1
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,579
OLDER TED: Kids, this is
a Thanksgiving story.

2
00:00:18,785 --> 00:00:21,219
<i>Thanksgiving in New York</i>
<i>is a wonderful time,</i>

3
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:26,152
<i>It's a time for giving of yourself,</i>
<i>for thinking of your fellow man,</i>

4
00:00:26,259 --> 00:00:29,854
<i>A time when the unforgiving city</i>
<i>becomes a little kinder,</i>

5
00:00:29,996 --> 00:00:31,759
Well, I just ralphed.

6
00:00:32,432 --> 00:00:36,027
- How much did you guys drink last night?
- Not how much, what.

7
00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:38,130
The Thanks-tini,

8
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:41,272
a fun and delicious new novelty drink
I invented.

9
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:45,276
Cranberry juice, potato vodka,
and a bouillon cube.

10
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,237
Tastes just like a turkey dinner.

11
00:00:49,816 --> 00:00:52,307
It's like Thanksgiving in my mouth.

12
00:00:52,952 --> 00:00:55,682
You want a good holiday drink?
Try his Kwanzaa-politan.

13
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:57,279
(CAR HORN HONKING)

14
00:00:57,757 --> 00:00:59,554
The shuttle's here!

15
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:03,025
He hasn't been back home to Minnesota
since Christmas.

16
00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:05,359
- He's a little excited.
- Baby, we're holding up the shuttle.

17
00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:08,662
Do you have everything you need?
Toothbrush, pajamas, underpants?

18
00:01:08,768 --> 00:01:10,099
Underpants.

19
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:14,930
So, Lil, Marshall's family.

20
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:18,108
Whole weekend with the future in-laws.
You excited?

21
00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:22,511
- Yeah, no, it'll be fun.
- Lily, you just said, "Yeah, no."

22
00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:26,679
Did I? No, I love Marshall's family.

23
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:30,048
- But, yeah, no, it'll be great.
- You just did it again.

24
00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:31,783
Yeah, no, shut up.

25
00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:34,955
Wait, so you're not going home
for Thanksgiving?

26
00:01:35,061 --> 00:01:37,928
- No, I have to work on Friday. You?
- I'm Canadian, remember?

27
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,864
- We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
- Oh, right, I forgot.

28
00:01:40,967 --> 00:01:44,562
You guys are weird.
You pronounce the word "out," "oute."

29
00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:47,199
You guys are the world's leader
in handgun violence,

30
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:48,774
your healthcare system is bankrupt,

31
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:52,641
and your country is deeply divided
on almost every important issue.

32
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:56,174
Your cops are called Mounties.

33
00:01:58,751 --> 00:02:00,616
So, probably hanging out
with Barney, then?

34
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,711
No. Barney's got
his own Thanksgiving tradition.

35
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:05,780
Thanksgiving in a strip club. Who's in?

36
00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:09,088
The Lusty Leopard has
a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet.

37
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:12,096
Plus, they do this thing.
Heather dresses up as a Pilgrim,

38
00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:16,897
and Misty dresses up as an Indian,
and they share a meal together.

39
00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:21,733
- Oh, Barney.
- I'm sorry. Native American.

40
00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:25,939
I think I'm gonna go to a homeless shelter,
serve food.

41
00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:27,672
- That's awesome.
- Yeah.

42
00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:31,181
I thought I'd just spend the day
giving back, you know, doing some good.

43
00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:33,377
- Canceling out Barney.
- Exactly.

44
00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:36,282
- Where are all my underpants?
- Did you check your suitcase?

45
00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:37,389
No.

46
00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:39,325
Let's go.

47
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:39,950
Let's go.

48
00:02:40,059 --> 00:02:41,720
<i>OLDER TED; And go they went,</i>

49
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:45,059
<i>All the way to St., Cloud, Minnesota,</i>
<i>Marshall's hometown,</i>

50
00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:48,457
<i>And as Lily stepped into</i>
<i>her fiancé's boyhood home,</i>

51
00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:50,195
<i>she received a big welcome,</i>

52
00:02:50,303 --> 00:02:52,032
Hello! We're home!

53
00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:54,333
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

54
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,308
<i>A very big welcome,</i>

55
00:02:56,409 --> 00:03:00,277
<i>You see, at 6-foot-4,</i>
<i>Marshall was the runt of the Eriksen clan,</i>

56
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:02,814
- Great to see you.
- Hey, you, too.

57
00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:06,510
Wow, I forgot how tall you guys are.

58
00:03:07,053 --> 00:03:09,385
- Where's my almost daughter-in-law?
- Here I am!

59
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:10,683
Over here!

60
00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:15,053
Well, you got yourself
a great little bride here, Son.

61
00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:16,185
- Yeah.
- That's great.

62
00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:18,491
All right, now, no farting around.

63
00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:21,429
Put your skates and your pads on, boys.
Game on in five minutes.

64
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:22,626
Yeah. All right.

65
00:03:22,735 --> 00:03:25,295
- Oh, you gonna play hockey?
- Hike, hut!

66
00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:28,670
- With a basketball?
- Well, it's a combination of the two.

67
00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:31,676
- We call it "bask-ice-ball."
- We invented it.

68
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:34,372
It's the most dangerous
and awesome sport in the world.

69
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,211
Bask-ice-ball? Not ice-ket-ball?

70
00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:39,979
"Ice-ket-ball"?

71
00:03:40,987 --> 00:03:43,217
- Just sounds weird.
- Yeah.

72
00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:47,521
- It's bask-ice-ball, okay? And I'm the best.
- Oh, you wish.

73
00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:50,994
Oh, well, maybe that's just 'cause
you haven't seen me play.

74
00:03:51,097 --> 00:03:52,894
(ALL HOOTING)

75
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,634
I don't know, honey.
It's not really a sport for a girl.

76
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:58,499
Well, that's funny,
'cause your brother throws like a girl.

77
00:03:58,605 --> 00:03:59,902
(ALL JEERING)

78
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,538
Marcus.

79
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:07,241
- This is gonna be great.
- I know. I'm so psyched we did this.

80
00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:08,507
Man, look at all these people.

81
00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:11,311
Giving up their Thanksgiving to help
their fellow man.

82
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:13,112
These have gotta be the best people
in New York.

83
00:04:14,721 --> 00:04:17,554
Excuse me, guys, coming through.

84
00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:20,285
- Barney?
- Well, hi, guys.

85
00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:23,554
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, just the Lord's work.

86
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:27,395
- But you're Satan.
- Guys, okay, look.

87
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:30,125
I don't advertise it, but I volunteer here.

88
00:04:30,236 --> 00:04:32,796
I think it's important to help
the less fortunate.

89
00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:35,897
I'm the Angelina Jolie
of incredibly hot guys.

90
00:04:36,809 --> 00:04:39,573
This is a joke, right?
You don't actually volunteer here?

91
00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:42,739
Barney, we need you out front.
There is a logjam on the stuffing line.

92
00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:45,010
- Can you show them how it's done?
- I'm on it.

93
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:48,781
- Wait, so, this is real? Barney does this?
- Every Sunday, all year long.

94
00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:49,877
He's our best volunteer.

95
00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:52,480
That's 'cause
I was trained by the best, Kendall.

96
00:04:52,692 --> 00:04:55,058
Anyway, we're psyched
to be here, Kendall.

97
00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:56,719
What do you need us to do?

98
00:04:56,829 --> 00:04:58,922
- Go home, we're full.
- ROBIN: What?

99
00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:01,097
We're volunteers, we're unpaid help.

100
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,100
Can you ever really have
enough unpaid help?

101
00:05:03,202 --> 00:05:06,899
On the biggest volunteer day of the year?
Yeah, you can.

102
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:10,476
- Come on, we just wanna help out.
- Kendall. They're cool.

103
00:05:11,577 --> 00:05:13,772
Fine. But I'm not promising anything.

104
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,815
Wait here,
we'll let you know if we need you.

105
00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:21,182
Okay, well, I better get back out there.
There's a lot of food to give out.

106
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,016
And a lot of smiles.

107
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,951
I almost forgot.

108
00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:29,722
I know it's early,

109
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:34,129
but you are a future Mrs. Eriksen.

110
00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:36,793
Oh, thank you.

111
00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:39,467
Well, it'll go great with my...

112
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:41,506
I just love it.

113
00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:44,840
Okay, Lily, we're putting you
on salad duty.

114
00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:48,175
Oh, I make this
great frisée and endive salad

115
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,681
with a coriander lime vinaigrette.

116
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,751
But this is an American holiday.

117
00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:58,181
Lily, now that you're going to be
a Mrs. Eriksen,

118
00:05:58,958 --> 00:06:02,018
I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe:

119
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:06,459
The Eriksen Family Seven Layer Salad.

120
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,231
Seven layer salad?

121
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:14,335
Six cups of mayonnaise?
That can't be right.

122
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:18,672
Oh, no, dear. Sixteen cups.
Mayo's in that cabinet.

123
00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:25,950
Oh, my God, there is some
serious bask-ice-ball going on out there.

124
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,987
Dad totally nailed Marcus in the face
with a snowball, which is a foul,

125
00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:30,851
'cause you only get
one snowball per possession,

126
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:34,222
so I nailed him in the shin with my skate,
and then I totally dunked it.

127
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:37,728
Yeah, you were sitting pretty,
till I whacked you with that mallet.

128
00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:39,457
Hey, gorgeous.

129
00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:41,364
You having fun?

130
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:45,832
Yeah, but I kind of miss you.
Could you stay in here for a little bit?

131
00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:48,099
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem.
It's halftime.

132
00:06:48,441 --> 00:06:50,807
Halftime's over.
Get your butts out here. Come on.

133
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:53,879
And I hope you like the taste
of skate, dorko.

134
00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:58,511
- Go.
- Thanks, baby.

135
00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:01,144
Isn't this great?

136
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,348
Can't you see why everybody
from my high school stays in this town?

137
00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:07,918
Hey, Marvin! You're the dorko, dorko!

138
00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:15,294
(SIGHS) Man, it's amazing out there.

139
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:18,529
I've done so much good today,
I've got, like, a soul boner.

140
00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:22,473
Man, the way
the faces of the less fortunate light up

141
00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:24,008
when you give them
a hot, nutritious meal,

142
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,941
is there a better feeling on earth?

143
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:29,673
Yesterday, you said the best feeling
on earth was getting your toes sucked.

144
00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:32,714
Then you requested a high-five,
with your foot.

145
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:37,012
Hey, Barn, what do you say
you let us sub in for you

146
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,182
scoop stuffing for a little bit?

147
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,089
You wanna scoop stuffing
your first day out?

148
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:44,686
Hello, NFL,
can I be quarterback this Sunday? Dude.

149
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:51,801
Okay, I finished the Gummi Bear layer
of the salad.

150
00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:53,303
What's next?

151
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,241
Potato chips, of course.

152
00:07:56,476 --> 00:08:00,207
So, Lily, when are you gonna start
thinking about having a baby?

153
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:04,940
Baby? You know,
I hadn't really thought about it.

154
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,512
At all.

155
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:09,883
<i>OLDER TED; Actually, Aunt Lily was lying,</i>
<i>It was all she'd been thinking about,</i>

156
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,455
<i>You see, remember when she said...</i>

157
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,754
Well, I just ralphed.

158
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:16,724
<i>At that point, she was five days late,</i>

159
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,421
<i>This was day six,</i>

160
00:08:19,465 --> 00:08:22,366
Yeah, I mean, I'm way too young
to have a baby, right?

161
00:08:22,468 --> 00:08:24,060
Oh, are you kidding?

162
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,865
I was younger than you
when I had Marcus.

163
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:28,338
Beautiful 15-pound boy.

164
00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:31,335
Not much bigger
than this turkey right here.

165
00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:37,310
Oh, boy.

166
00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:45,755
<i>OLDER TED; Now, if Lily was already</i>
<i>uneasy about joining the Eriksen family,</i>

167
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:46,847
<i>imagine how she felt</i>

168
00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:50,918
<i>about possibly having a 15-pound Eriksen</i>
<i>growing inside of her,</i>

169
00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:53,799
That's a big baby, Judy.

170
00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:57,532
- The doctor thought he was twins.
- (TITTERING) Twins.

171
00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:00,031
Twins.

172
00:09:03,142 --> 00:09:06,475
This is crazy. When did it get so hard
to do charity work?

173
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,342
I do charity work all the time.

174
00:09:08,447 --> 00:09:10,574
Remember when I said
I'd find you a girlfriend?

175
00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:13,675
Delightful. How's that little project
coming along, anyway?

176
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:14,844
I'm working on it.

177
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,514
I'm gonna introduce you to that girl
you've been staring at.

178
00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:19,784
What? That's crazy.
I haven't been staring at any girl.

179
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:21,484
Have you met Ted?

180
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:25,493
Hi, I'm the aforementioned Ted,
and this is... Gone.

181
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,124
- I'm Amanda.
- Hi.

182
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:32,966
- So, what do you do here, Ted?
- Well, I've been... Nothing. I do nothing.

183
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:35,498
Well, if you wanna do something,

184
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:37,906
you and your girlfriend can help
sort through these donations.

185
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:40,103
Oh, I'm not his girlfriend.

186
00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:43,739
I used to be,
but I just wasn't enough woman for Ted,

187
00:09:43,849 --> 00:09:46,511
emotionally, or sexually.

188
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,417
Oh, my God.

189
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:52,790
So, Amanda, what do you need us to do?

190
00:09:53,459 --> 00:09:54,619
Okay, this is important.

191
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,695
Go through all these boxes
of food donations,

192
00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:59,264
take out the really good stuff,
and put it into this box.

193
00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:01,424
Got it. Consider it sorted.

194
00:10:02,835 --> 00:10:03,859
Hey, we're in business.

195
00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:06,438
Hey, Barney's not gonna get
all the glory today.

196
00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:12,911
- Let's start with this one.
- Yeah.

197
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,411
- Amen.
- ALL: Amen.

198
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,949
Look who came to say good night.

199
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:22,077
It's little Martin. Three months old.

200
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:26,319
- Months? Three months?
- He's been drinking his milk.

201
00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:27,483
Oh, yeah.

202
00:10:27,593 --> 00:10:29,060
Hear, hear.

203
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:32,954
And she's already pregnant again.

204
00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:36,159
Well, that's 'cause
those Eriksen boys' boys can swim.

205
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:38,998
They got two tails
and a drill bit for a head.

206
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:44,266
- Dad, you're embarrassing me.
- Don't worry about it, Son, she's cool.

207
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:48,006
- She's gonna be an Eriksen.
- Yeah, well, not literally.

208
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:50,842
'Cause, you know, I'm keeping my name.

209
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,676
But the apron?

210
00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:59,452
Well, we haven't actually decided
anything yet, so we're gonna...

211
00:10:59,558 --> 00:11:02,584
No, I've decided,
and I'm keeping my own name.

212
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:06,029
But Eriksen is a great last name.

213
00:11:06,966 --> 00:11:09,025
People know the Eriksens.

214
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:12,604
Well, sure, in St. Cloud,

215
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:15,868
but our kids aren't gonna be
growing up in St. Cloud.

216
00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:17,407
Right, baby?

217
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:23,345
Well, why not St. Cloud?
I mean, I loved growing up in St. Cloud.

218
00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:26,179
St. Cloud is a great place
to have a childhood.

219
00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:27,912
Well, so is New York.

220
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,181
(ALL LAUGHING)

221
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:33,419
What? It is. And we grew up just fine.

222
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,586
And we grew to the proper size,
and then we stopped.

223
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,760
- Hey, Amanda, what's this box for?
- Oh, that's for me.

224
00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:50,069
- You can put it in my car.
- In your car. Then you'll take it...

225
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:53,970
Home. Yeah, we get so much extra food,
no one can eat it all.

226
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,374
Oh, truffle oil. Score.

227
00:11:58,150 --> 00:12:01,711
But people donated this food
thinking it was going to feed the hungry.

228
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:04,381
I know. And I'm starving.

229
00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:11,661
- But, Marshall, you love New York.
- Yes, I do.

230
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:13,497
But you always said
that when we had kids,

231
00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:17,467
- you wanted to move out of Manhattan.
- Well, yeah, to Brooklyn.

232
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:22,264
Why are we even talking about this?
This is, like, way down the road.

233
00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:26,572
<i>OLDER TED; But Lily knew "way down the</i>
<i>road,"might not be so far down the road,</i>

234
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:31,581
- I need to go to the restroom.
- Lily, the restroom's the other way.

235
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,379
<i>So, she headed down the road,</i>

236
00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:36,983
Lily? Lily!

237
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:45,297
So, wait. Not only have you not done
any good for anyone today,

238
00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:48,059
you're actually helping someone
steal from the homeless?

239
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:51,398
You know, Ted, it's called
Thanksgiving, not Thanks-taking.

240
00:12:51,537 --> 00:12:52,595
Damn.

241
00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:55,432
Barney, you need me to sign
your time sheet, right?

242
00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:58,977
- BARNEY: Oh, yeah, right. Thanks.
- Barney.

243
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:02,003
- Yeah, what's up?
- You have a time sheet?

244
00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:04,446
- No one else has a time sheet.
- Yeah, so?

245
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:05,710
All right, let me see that. Come on.

246
00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:07,786
Hey, that's my private, personal business.

247
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:10,617
"Court-mandated community service?"

248
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,851
Oh, my God, you're on probation?
What did you do?

249
00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:17,358
That's my private, personal business.

250
00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:20,259
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

251
00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:28,239
I was unfairly punished because
the wall belonged to the judge's church.

252
00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,899
You peed on a church?

253
00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,638
I peed in an alley,
which happened to have a church,

254
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:36,544
which I did not see, because I was drunk.

255
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:41,748
- You are evil.
- All is right with the world again.

256
00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:42,911
Okay, fine.

257
00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:46,219
So a judge is making me do this,
but I'm still doing it.

258
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:48,919
And kicking ass at it, BTW.

259
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:53,327
When's the last time
either of you did something good, huh?

260
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,327
Kendall. Kendall.

261
00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:03,168
Amanda is stealing Portobello mushrooms
from homeless people.

262
00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:08,202
Amanda. I called dibs
on the Portobello mushrooms.

263
00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:13,311
- Those are for the hungry.
- I know. And I'm starving.

264
00:14:13,719 --> 00:14:15,414
(BOTH LAUGHING)

265
00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:21,082
AMANDA: Those are good mushrooms!

266
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:24,128
Mushrooms! Mushrooms!
Portobello mushrooms for everyone!

267
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:27,460
Take them and run!
They're very expensive!

268
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:35,702
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving?

269
00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:38,536
As in, "Check out the chick buying
the knock-up test, everybody,

270
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:40,509
"wonder what must be going
through her head."

271
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:44,709
Yeah, well, since you asked,
a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants

272
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:47,752
is trying to suck me
into their suburban nightmare,

273
00:14:47,853 --> 00:14:50,219
and there's a solid chance
that I have an Eriksen,

274
00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:54,088
the size of a 15-pound turkey,
growing inside of me!

275
00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:59,688
You know the Eriksens?
You're Marshall's fiancée.

276
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:03,358
- Fantastic.
- So nice to meet you.

277
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,630
You're taller than described.

278
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:09,497
Oh, I'm sorry I just yelled at you.

279
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:12,502
- You mind if I use your bathroom?
- Don't have one.

280
00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:15,772
- So what do you do when you have to...
- I hold it.

281
00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:17,872
(SLURPING)

282
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:26,390
- You can't fire a volunteer.
- Apparently you can.

283
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:29,390
And his two
non-mushroom-throwing friends.

284
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:32,897
I can't believe I told Kendall
you guys were cool.

285
00:15:33,165 --> 00:15:35,827
I have 40 hours left
on my community service.

286
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:39,769
And now I've gotta spend it
spearing trash on a freaking median strip.

287
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,466
Volunteer of the Year!

288
00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:47,374
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay?

289
00:15:47,479 --> 00:15:49,811
Look, if there's anything I can do
to make it up to you,

290
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:52,315
- just tell me, I'll do it.
- Ted, I'm glad you asked.

291
00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:04,658
- Surprisingly good.
- Right? I told you so.

292
00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:08,591
Public urination.
Who gets arrested for public urination?

293
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:12,296
- Lily's been arrested.
- Oh, dear. What for?

294
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:15,430
Public urination.

295
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:26,483
- Thanks, Pete.
- No problemo, Marsh.

296
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,288
- You all right?
- No.

297
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,585
I embarrassed myself
in front of your family,

298
00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:37,856
and now I'm celebrating Thanksgiving in
probably the most depressing place ever.

299
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:44,297
Well, I'm glad that you're safe.

300
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:45,594
Hey, weird question.

301
00:16:45,704 --> 00:16:47,865
Why did you drive 3 miles down Route 23

302
00:16:47,973 --> 00:16:49,838
and take a pee
behind a convenience store?

303
00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:52,001
Okay, I'll tell you, but before I do,

304
00:16:52,111 --> 00:16:55,638
promise me that we are not gonna move
to St. Cloud, Minnesota. Promise.

305
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,739
Look it, I'm not suggesting
that we move here tomorrow,

306
00:16:57,883 --> 00:16:59,043
- I'm just...
- Just promise!

307
00:16:59,151 --> 00:17:00,743
Why do you want me to promise you that?

308
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,617
Because I don't fit in here.
I'm not 8 feet tall,

309
00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:07,158
and I don't think you can call it a salad
if it has Funyuns in it!

310
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,458
I'm Funyuns.

311
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:14,297
And mayonnaise, and Gummi Bears,
and bask-ice-ball, and I love St. Cloud.

312
00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:17,231
And yes, there is a part of me
that would like to move here someday.

313
00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:21,534
And why are we having this discussion
in a jail cell on Thanksgiving?

314
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:26,610
Okay, personal effects.
One wallet, one cell phone,

315
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,309
one pregnancy test.

316
00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:40,357
Pete arrested me before I could look at it.

317
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,195
- Whoa.
- Yeah.

318
00:17:51,970 --> 00:17:54,336
Lily, we can't let our kids play
bask-ice-ball.

319
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:57,469
Bask-ice-ball is really dangerous.

320
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,568
Yeah, what are the rules
to that game, anyway?

321
00:18:00,679 --> 00:18:03,341
There are no rules.
We just whale on each other.

322
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:11,014
Look, I don't wanna be
exactly like my family.

323
00:18:12,958 --> 00:18:15,358
And don't take this the wrong way,

324
00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:19,395
but I don't wanna be
exactly like your family, either.

325
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,800
We'll be our own family.

326
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:27,871
And we'll find our own way to
freak out the people our kids bring home.

327
00:18:31,376 --> 00:18:33,207
Great, now I'm crying.

328
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:37,274
Look, we may have some really
big decisions to make

329
00:18:37,382 --> 00:18:39,145
in about 10 seconds,

330
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:42,219
but right now,
I don't care where our kids grow up,

331
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:44,687
as long as they have you for a father.

332
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,795
Gosh, I hope you're the father.

333
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:54,093
Just a little joke to lighten up the mood.

334
00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:00,596
What does it say?

335
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:04,475
- I'm afraid to look.
- PETE: It's negative!

336
00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:07,970
Oh, thank God.

337
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:10,611
And, hey!

338
00:19:13,285 --> 00:19:15,776
Ted, are you listening?

339
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,286
You're a good guy.

340
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:20,358
Wanna know
why I have to work tomorrow?

341
00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:23,724
My firm's designing an executive lounge
for a tobacco company.

342
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:27,265
In the fight against cancer,
I'm on the side of cancer.

343
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:30,468
Okay, Ted. I found a way
for you to help someone, to do some good.

344
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:33,037
This is Walter. Walter is homeless.

345
00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:36,835
- And Walter would like a lap dance.
- Are you joking?

346
00:19:36,975 --> 00:19:40,775
I never joke about the sublime art
of burlesque entertainment.

347
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:43,543
No, Barney, that's insane.

348
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:47,176
Sir, would you like me to buy you
a ticket to the buffet?

349
00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:49,948
No, I'm stuffed.
Just the lap dance would be fine.

350
00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:52,990
Ted, Walter's been
to three shelter dinners.

351
00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:56,583
You know where he hasn't been?
To heaven with Samantha.

352
00:19:58,597 --> 00:20:01,725
Look, it's the one chance you've had
all day to help someone in need.

353
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:03,994
Now, buy this man a lap dance.

354
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:08,065
You said you wanted to see the look of joy
in someone's eyes.

355
00:20:08,574 --> 00:20:11,270
You know, I don't think I'm gonna watch.

356
00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:16,608
Here you go, Walter. Happy Thanksgiving.

357
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:21,042
Thank you so much. No, really. Thank you.

358
00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:27,225
Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

359
00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:32,489
Thanksgiving in November. Weird.

360
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,964
<i>OLDER TED; So,</i>
<i>that was Thanksgiving 2005,</i>

361
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:46,066
<i>To be honest, it didn't go great,</i>
<i>But life has plenty of good parts,</i>

362
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:50,179
<i>It's the rough parts that make you thankful</i>
<i>you have people to share it with,</i>

363
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:12,133
Hey, I saw what you did for that guy.
It was really sweet.

364
00:21:13,705 --> 00:21:16,003
- Do you want a dance?
- No, thanks.

365
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:19,600
- Do you want some yams?
- No, thanks.

366
00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:22,804
- I'm Amber.
- I'm Ted.

367
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:26,047
Actually, I'm Tracey.

368
00:21:27,586 --> 00:21:28,883
Still Ted.

369
00:21:29,254 --> 00:21:32,314
<i>OLDER TED; And that, kids,</i>
<i>is the true story of how I met your mother,</i>

370
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:34,486
- BOTH: What?
- (LAUGHING) I'm kidding.

371
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,086
(LAUGHS)