1
00:00:15,815 --> 00:00:17,680
<i>OLDER TED; Now, I remember</i>
<i>a lot of stories</i>

2
00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:19,547
<i>from back in the days</i>
<i>before I met your mother,</i>

3
00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:21,813
<i>But there's one story I don't remember,</i>

4
00:00:21,921 --> 00:00:25,550
<i>Uncle Marshall still refers to it</i>
<i>as the "pineapple incident,"</i>

5
00:00:25,658 --> 00:00:28,855
<i>The night started like any other,</i>
<i>We were downstairs at the bar,</i>

6
00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:30,327
Hey, it's on the house.

7
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:31,795
- Whoa!
- Whoa!

8
00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:34,389
It's my own concoction.
I call it the Red Dragon.

9
00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:36,230
- ALL: Wow.
- Thanks, Carl.

10
00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:37,428
- Really sweet.
- Wow.

11
00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:39,266
- We're not really doing shots, are we?
- I hope not.

12
00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:40,703
- No, no, no.
- Not in a million years.

13
00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:42,968
These look kind of like blood.

14
00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:46,978
Okay, I know that you've all dismissed
this theory before.

15
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,139
But is there any chance
that Carl is a vampire?

16
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:50,776
- No.
- That's ludicrous.

17
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:54,152
No, look, I am serious. Think about it.
He always wears black,

18
00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:56,586
we never see him in the daylight,
only after dark.

19
00:00:56,689 --> 00:01:02,184
Oh, my God. That does describe a vampire.
Or, you know, a bartender.

20
00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:03,928
(LAUGHING)

21
00:01:04,030 --> 00:01:06,931
- Well, I should go get dressed.
- Where you going, buddy, hot date?

22
00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:09,399
I'll say. She's going out with a billionaire.

23
00:01:09,502 --> 00:01:11,367
Lily, I told you not to call him that.

24
00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:13,166
Wait, you're really going out
with a billionaire?

25
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:15,298
He's not a billionaire.
He's a hundred millionaire.

26
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,239
Why do people always round up?

27
00:01:17,343 --> 00:01:20,938
- So, where's Thurston Howell taking you?
- A charity dinner.

28
00:01:21,047 --> 00:01:24,744
- Yeah, $2,000 a plate.
- $1,500! Stop rounding up.

29
00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:28,919
- And it's for Third World hunger.
- You gonna put out?

30
00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,680
What? There's only one reason
he's taking her to this dinner,

31
00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:35,249
and it's not so little Mu Tu
can get his malaria pills.

32
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:39,163
I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

33
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,024
Well, I'm gonna be late.
You guys have fun.

34
00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:43,193
- Bye.
- See you.

35
00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:44,634
- Bye.
- See you.

36
00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:47,330
- You okay?
- Sure. Why?

37
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:51,240
Oh, I don't know.
Girl of your dreams, dating a billionaire.

38
00:01:51,344 --> 00:01:54,074
Okay, first of all, hundred millionaire.

39
00:01:54,481 --> 00:01:57,245
And second,
she's not the girl of my dreams.

40
00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:58,578
We're just friends.

41
00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:00,585
Look, it would not be smart
if we got together.

42
00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:03,019
I mean, I'm looking to settle down,
she's looking for...

43
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,920
(SNORING)

44
00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:06,889
What, you done? Great.

45
00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:10,456
Check out table number four.

46
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:15,425
See that little hottie on the end?
She's short, but has an ample bosom.

47
00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:18,868
I love it. She's like half boob. Let's go.

48
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,702
Yeah, and say what?
What's our big opening line?

49
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:25,005
Oh, it's, "Daddy's home."

50
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,643
- Daddy's home?
- Yeah.

51
00:02:27,747 --> 00:02:30,545
(LAUGHING) Okay, you want us
to go over there, right now,

52
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,312
and say to those girls, Daddy's home?

53
00:02:33,419 --> 00:02:35,614
Really think about that, Barney.

54
00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:39,388
Yeah, I think it's pretty solid.

55
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:41,050
Okay, think about this.

56
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:44,961
Is there even a single item on the menu
that has garlic in it?

57
00:02:45,231 --> 00:02:46,664
There's garlic fries.

58
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,532
Okay, well, I'll get back to you.

59
00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:52,163
Oh! Daddy's back.

60
00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:54,399
See, if you'd taken
a moment to think about that...

61
00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:59,308
Then Daddy wouldn't have gotten this
seven-digit Father's Day card from Amy.

62
00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:00,470
(EXCLAIMS)

63
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:02,810
That worked? I hate the world.

64
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:05,646
Ted, your problem is
all you do is think, think, think.

65
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,777
I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.

66
00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:09,548
- Doo-doo.
- Totally.

67
00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:13,588
So I think a lot.
I happen to have a very powerful brain.

68
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:16,253
- It can't be helped.
- Oh, yes, it can.

69
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:18,492
Interesting!

70
00:03:18,598 --> 00:03:21,123
Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason.

71
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:23,896
It's like the universe was saying,
"Hey, Barney, there's this dude,

72
00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:27,268
"he's pretty cool,
but it's your job to make him awesome."

73
00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:29,603
Your brain screws you up, Ted.
It gets in the way.

74
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,371
It happened with Robin.
It happened with half boob.

75
00:03:32,478 --> 00:03:34,070
And it's gonna keep on happening,

76
00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:38,446
until you power down that bucket
of neuroses, inebriation style.

77
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:41,318
So what? You want me to do a shot?

78
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,352
Oh, no. I want you to do five shots.

79
00:03:44,457 --> 00:03:46,584
- Oh, more interesting.
- Whoa.

80
00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:51,894
- Barney, I think you've officially...
- No, don't think. Do!

81
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:56,458
Ted, he's right. You over think.
Maybe you should over drink.

82
00:03:56,669 --> 00:03:59,604
- Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink.
- Drink. Drink. Drink.

83
00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:02,072
Lily, will you tell these guys
how stupid they're being?

84
00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:06,077
Guys, you are being immature,
and moronic, and drink, drink.

85
00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:10,780
- Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.
- Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.

86
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:12,009
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

87
00:04:12,118 --> 00:04:13,949
- Drink, drink, drink...
- Drink, drink, drink...

88
00:04:14,053 --> 00:04:16,146
Let me tell you
something about this brain, okay?

89
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,348
...drink, drink!
...drink, drink!

90
00:04:17,457 --> 00:04:18,424
Yeah!

91
00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:21,049
Mere alcohol cannot stop this brain.

92
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,627
- Drink, drink, drink...
- Drink, drink, drink...

93
00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:24,026
I love it. I love it. I love it!

94
00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:27,065
This brain, dear mortals,
is no ordinary brain.

95
00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:28,895
...drink, drink, drink...
...drink, drink, drink...

96
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:30,401
This is a super brain.

97
00:04:30,503 --> 00:04:32,596
...drink, drink. Drink!
...drink, drink. Drink!

98
00:04:32,705 --> 00:04:35,731
This brain is unstoppable! This brain...

99
00:04:36,142 --> 00:04:40,101
<i>OLDER TED; And that's all I remember,</i>
<i>except for a few hazy memories,</i>

100
00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:55,150
<i>And, really, the next thing I remember</i>
<i>is waking up the following morning,</i>

101
00:05:13,179 --> 00:05:15,613
<i>So, there were some</i>
<i>unanswered questions,</i>

102
00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:17,342
<i>How much did I drink?</i>

103
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,475
<i>How did I sprain my ankle?</i>

104
00:05:19,585 --> 00:05:20,711
(GROANING)

105
00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:25,454
<i>And who was this girl in my bed?</i>

106
00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:28,259
There's a rock star.

107
00:05:28,594 --> 00:05:31,495
Okay. What the hell happened last night?

108
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:34,259
You really don't remember, super brain?

109
00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:37,169
<i>So, Uncle Marshall</i>
<i>and Aunt Lily filled me in,</i>

110
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:41,606
- And how'd you guys like the shots?
- I drank all five, bitch!

111
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:46,736
- I love drunk Ted.
- Marshall thinks you're a vampire.

112
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,108
(LAUGHING)

113
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:52,445
If he pukes, one of you guys cleans it up.

114
00:05:53,586 --> 00:05:54,746
No dibs!

115
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,617
(STUTTERING) No... Oh, damn it!

116
00:05:56,723 --> 00:06:00,159
How quickly you all forget!
I haven't puked since high school.

117
00:06:00,259 --> 00:06:02,454
I am vomit-free since '93.

118
00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:07,091
Vomit-free since '93. That's funny.
I'm funny!

119
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,261
- Who are you calling?
- Robin.

120
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,836
Bad idea jeans.

121
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:13,838
No, no, it's a great idea.
That's the whole point of getting drunk.

122
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,431
You do things you'd never do
in a million years if you were sober.

123
00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:18,703
Says every girl you've ever slept with.

124
00:06:18,811 --> 00:06:20,301
BOTH: Say what?

125
00:06:22,348 --> 00:06:23,713
Hello, Robin, it's Ted.

126
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,374
- Hi, Ted.
- Hello, Robin, it's Ted.

127
00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:29,783
Hi, Ted. Sounds like you're having fun.

128
00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:33,915
Robin, have I ever told you
that I am vomit-free since '93?

129
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,791
Oh, listen, Ted, I can't really talk right...

130
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:40,627
Ninety-three? Dude, that's impressive.

131
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:44,233
Robin, you know, I don't say this enough,
but you're a great woman!

132
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:47,238
And a great reporter.
You should be on <i>60 Minutes,</i>

133
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,240
You should be one of the minutes!

134
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:54,040
Well, that's sweet and odd,
but I'm kind of on a date right now.

135
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,774
Yeah, and I disagree with Barney.

136
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,645
Just 'cause this guy is spending
a lot of money

137
00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,547
doesn't mean you have to put out.

138
00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:02,815
Take it slow, Robin. Take it slow.

139
00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:06,183
- Slow.
- Bye, Ted.

140
00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:08,421
Slow.

141
00:07:08,528 --> 00:07:11,326
Wow, right. That's why we don't do shots.

142
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:13,963
Friends don't let friends drink and dial.

143
00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:17,331
- I need that phone back!
- You'll get this back at the end of class.

144
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:21,134
Ding! Class dismissed. Here you go, kid,
you call whoever you want.

145
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,571
Thank you, kind sir!

146
00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:26,668
At least someone appreciates the fact
that I am doing and not thinking.

147
00:07:26,813 --> 00:07:30,647
And now, I don't think
I won't not go to the bathroom.

148
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,888
Was that necessary?
He is not making smart decisions.

149
00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:40,357
Exactly! It's like, what's he gonna do next?
I don't know, but I want to find out!

150
00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:42,461
<i>(MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)</i>

151
00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:47,799
Cheap Trick. Oh, Ted.

152
00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:49,728
(CELLPHONE RINGING)

153
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:51,861
Hello again, Ted.

154
00:07:52,705 --> 00:07:54,468
(SINGING)

155
00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:09,379
I love everyone in this bar!

156
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,650
And we love you, drunk Ted!

157
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:21,892
Ted?

158
00:08:22,568 --> 00:08:24,092
Well, that explains the ankle.

159
00:08:24,203 --> 00:08:26,535
And then we brought you home
and put you to bed.

160
00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:29,335
Was there anyone else in there with me?

161
00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:42,578
- (WHISPERING) There's a girl in there.
- (WHISPERING) I know.

162
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:44,679
- And a pineapple.
- I know!

163
00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:46,815
- Who is she?
- I don't know.

164
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:52,263
- What the hell happened to my jacket?
- Whoa.

165
00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:55,900
That girl in there is alive, right?

166
00:08:57,470 --> 00:09:00,735
I should call Barney.
Maybe he knows what happened.

167
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:02,741
(BEEPING)

168
00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:05,842
(CELLPHONE RINGING)

169
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:19,850
Hello.

170
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,517
Why are you sleeping in our tub?

171
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:24,528
The porcelain keeps the suit
from wrinkling.

172
00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:27,665
Wait, were you here
when I went to the bathroom

173
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:31,362
- in the middle of the night?
- Don't worry, I slept through it.

174
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:34,538
I totally didn't sleep through it!

175
00:09:34,941 --> 00:09:38,206
Oh, and, wow,
for a little girl you got a big tank.

176
00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:42,109
How did you get in here, anyway?
We put Ted to bed around 1:00.

177
00:09:42,214 --> 00:09:44,341
Oh, you put Ted to bed all right.

178
00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:48,583
You guys take care of me.
You guys are the best.

179
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:51,056
I love you guys so much.

180
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:54,518
- Good night, Ted.
- Love you, too, buddy.

181
00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:56,762
I'm back, baby doll!

182
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,821
I'm back, baby doll!

183
00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:02,630
Hey! He rallies!

184
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:06,666
And the night begins now. All right.
Game face on.

185
00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:10,299
Carl, two more. All right, all right.
What do we think of this one?

186
00:10:10,409 --> 00:10:13,776
- I think she...
- Trick question. No thinking!

187
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:16,841
You know what time it is? It's do o'clock.

188
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:18,746
- Let's ride.
- Bring it!

189
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:21,086
Hi.

190
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,954
Have you met Ted? He...

191
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,657
Excuse me.

192
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,927
- You're calling Robin.
- I'm calling Robin.

193
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:38,367
Ted, as your mentor and spiritual guide,
I forbid you from calling her.

194
00:10:38,704 --> 00:10:41,172
Oh, yeah? What you gonna do?

195
00:10:43,275 --> 00:10:46,802
If you complete that call,
I will set your coat on fire.

196
00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:48,102
(SCOFFS)

197
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:49,772
You're bluffing.

198
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:51,247
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

199
00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:53,841
Hello, Robin, it's Ted.

200
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:56,284
Ted, for the last time, stop...

201
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,788
<i>(TED SCREAMING)</i>

202
00:10:57,890 --> 00:10:58,879
Ted?

203
00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:01,286
You set me on fire.

204
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:05,824
Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast.
You got robbed. This is a blend.

205
00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:08,963
You set me on fire!

206
00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:12,028
And who's the girl in my bed?

207
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,441
There's a girl in your bed.

208
00:11:24,717 --> 00:11:28,653
And a pineapple! Am I the only one
who's curious about the pineapple?

209
00:11:28,754 --> 00:11:31,222
- Who is she?
- I have no idea.

210
00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:32,415
Nice.

211
00:11:33,092 --> 00:11:34,457
You really don't know who that is?

212
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,391
No. After I hosed you down
with the beverage gun,

213
00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:37,723
I brought you back here.

214
00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:40,094
I better not have gotten burned.

215
00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:45,069
Did any of you write that?

216
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:48,264
"Hi, I'm Ted. If lost please call..."

217
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:52,807
- Whose number is that?
- I don't know.

218
00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:54,607
Dude, call it.

219
00:11:55,414 --> 00:11:58,144
Oh, hold on.
I'm gonna make some popcorn.

220
00:12:02,254 --> 00:12:05,781
Okay, you can call now.
God, this is intense. I love it.

221
00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:08,549
<i>(PHONE RINGING)</i>

222
00:12:09,128 --> 00:12:12,393
<i>- CARL; Hello,</i>
- Hi. Who is this?

223
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:15,934
<i>- You called me, Who's this?</i>
- It's Ted.

224
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:18,131
It's Carl from the bar.

225
00:12:18,971 --> 00:12:20,666
<i>OLDER TED; And then Carl filled us in,</i>

226
00:12:20,773 --> 00:12:25,369
Barney, you've always taken care of me.
You are a gentleman and a scholar!

227
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:28,541
Go into my stable
and take my finest stallion.

228
00:12:28,647 --> 00:12:31,115
He's yours. His name is Windjammer.

229
00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:34,312
Sleep it off, bro.

230
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:38,290
I'm back, baby doll!

231
00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:44,018
And I am gonna throw up.

232
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:49,225
I threw up? My streak is over.

233
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:52,031
Vomit-free since '05 doesn't sound good.

234
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,428
Sorry, Carl, go on.

235
00:12:55,641 --> 00:12:56,699
Carl?

236
00:12:57,343 --> 00:13:01,177
Did you know the word "karaoke"
is Japanese for empty orchestra?

237
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:04,146
Isn't that hauntingly beautiful?

238
00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:06,745
Are you a vampire?

239
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,714
All right. I'm cutting you off.
Go home and get some sleep, Ted.

240
00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:13,087
Yeah, sun's gonna come up soon.

241
00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:16,184
Wouldn't want to be around for that,
would we?

242
00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:19,393
Hey, how easy you think it would be
to sneak into the zoo?

243
00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,864
I have to see some penguins,
like, right now.

244
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:24,731
- All right, give me your arm.
- Okay.

245
00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:28,169
This way, if you pass out in the gutter...

246
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:30,005
(LAUGHING) It tickles!

247
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:34,135
...someone will call me,
and I will come get you.

248
00:13:34,246 --> 00:13:35,736
Thanks, Carl.

249
00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:38,043
We can't just be friends!
We're attracted to each other.

250
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:40,277
- We both know it.
- Excuse me?

251
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,988
Me and Robin. Me and Robin.
I have to make one more call.

252
00:13:45,791 --> 00:13:47,622
Yeah, this'll go good.

253
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,393
Hey, it's me again.

254
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:57,762
Look. Who are we kidding?
You and I are both attracted to each other.

255
00:13:57,870 --> 00:14:00,703
We're young. We're drunk.
Half of us, anyway.

256
00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:02,273
And we only get one life.

257
00:14:02,374 --> 00:14:04,740
So, why don't you come over
to my apartment right now,

258
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,574
and we'll think of something stupid
to do together.

259
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,671
Really? Great.

260
00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:12,216
Wait, really? Great.

261
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:14,618
Thanks, Carl.

262
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:18,416
It's Robin. That's Robin in there.

263
00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:22,116
Did you guys...

264
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,763
Oh, come on.
You've gotta give me this one.

265
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:32,838
Those five shots got you farther
with Robin than your brain ever did.

266
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:35,600
See what happens when you don't think?
You do!

267
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,906
More importantly, you do Robin. Come on!

268
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:44,274
All right, right over here.

269
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:48,084
But, still, what does this mean?
Are we dating now?

270
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:50,018
I mean,
I never pictured it going down this way,

271
00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:52,590
but maybe that's how it had to happen.
I mean, think about it.

272
00:14:52,691 --> 00:14:55,353
Someone get him a shot.
He's thinking again.

273
00:14:55,461 --> 00:14:59,158
Well, hold on, man. Maybe it's not
such a bad idea to think about this one.

274
00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:03,099
You and Robin went down this road
before. You got dinged up, really bad.

275
00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:06,660
You know who might have something
to say about Ted's future with Robin?

276
00:15:06,772 --> 00:15:08,967
Robin. Go wake her up.

277
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:12,142
- Wake her up and say what?
- Daddy's home.

278
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,476
Good luck, buddy.

279
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:25,416
(PHONE RINGING)

280
00:15:26,325 --> 00:15:28,384
- Hello?
- Ted, it's Robin.

281
00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:35,032
Are you sure?

282
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,999
Hey, Robin. How are you?

283
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:44,439
Ted, I think you and I should have a talk...

284
00:15:44,576 --> 00:15:46,203
- Is that Robin?
- So, who's the girl in the bedroom?

285
00:15:46,312 --> 00:15:48,212
...about those phone calls last night.
- I have no idea!

286
00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:50,214
- Do you mind if I swing by?
- Ask her about the pineapple!

287
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:51,613
- Yeah, sure. Come on over.
- Thanks.

288
00:15:51,717 --> 00:15:53,378
No! Wait! Don't come.

289
00:15:54,053 --> 00:15:55,714
She's coming over. Crap!

290
00:15:55,821 --> 00:15:59,689
Wait, this is killing me.
We have to find out who that girl is.

291
00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:04,552
Trudy. My name is Trudy.

292
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,595
<i>OLDER TED; And then Trudy filled us in,</i>

293
00:16:11,370 --> 00:16:13,429
I'm just surprised
you didn't dump him sooner.

294
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:17,031
I know. It's two years of my life
I'm never getting back.

295
00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:21,476
A little part of me wants to
just jump the bones of the next guy I see.

296
00:16:22,514 --> 00:16:23,947
Daddy's home.

297
00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:26,548
Or the one after that.

298
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,181
Okay, fair enough.
But I've got to prove a point to a friend.

299
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:34,453
So, you just gave me your number,
and your name is Amy.

300
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:36,454
Ladies.

301
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:39,790
I love everyone in this bar!

302
00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:42,297
Look at that idiot go.

303
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,392
He's kind of cute.

304
00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:54,404
What are you doing in the men's room?

305
00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:57,238
What am I doing in the ladies' room?

306
00:16:57,349 --> 00:17:00,443
Oh, right, I came in here
'cause I thought I was gonna throw up.

307
00:17:00,552 --> 00:17:01,746
Did you?

308
00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:04,653
I did not.

309
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:09,291
And the streak continues.
Vomit-free since '93.

310
00:17:11,663 --> 00:17:12,891
Sorry, Trudy. Go on.

311
00:17:13,432 --> 00:17:15,093
I liked your performance.

312
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,895
What, the karaoke?

313
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:19,032
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

314
00:17:19,438 --> 00:17:20,905
I wish I had your guts.

315
00:17:21,006 --> 00:17:23,804
Getting up
and making a complete idiot of myself.

316
00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:26,173
- So do it.
- I don't know.

317
00:17:26,945 --> 00:17:29,641
Still, I've had a pretty serious week.

318
00:17:29,748 --> 00:17:32,114
I could sure stand to do something stupid.

319
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,310
I'm something stupid. Do me.

320
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,579
(LAUGHING) You're funny.

321
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:39,418
- Hey, can I call you sometime?
- Okay.

322
00:17:40,692 --> 00:17:42,159
Here, let me.

323
00:17:44,296 --> 00:17:46,355
Why do they call it "karaoke," anyhow?

324
00:17:46,465 --> 00:17:49,366
Was it invented by a woman
named Carrie Okie?

325
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:52,160
These are the kinds of things I think about.

326
00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:55,934
"Karaoke" is Japanese
for empty orchestra.

327
00:17:56,608 --> 00:18:00,100
Wow. That's hauntingly beautiful.

328
00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:03,407
(CELLPHONE RINGING)

329
00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:05,005
Hey, it works.

330
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:08,048
Then I guess you're gonna have to call me.

331
00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:11,881
I gotta make one more call.

332
00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:14,620
Hello?

333
00:18:14,726 --> 00:18:16,125
Hey, it's me again.

334
00:18:16,228 --> 00:18:17,286
Hey.

335
00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:20,854
Look. Who are we kidding?
You and I are both attracted to each other.

336
00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:23,867
We're young. We're drunk.
Half of us, anyway.

337
00:18:23,969 --> 00:18:25,197
And we only get one life.

338
00:18:25,471 --> 00:18:27,530
So I came over here.

339
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:30,836
And now I'm really, really embarrassed.

340
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:34,973
Damn it, Trudy!
What about the pineapple?

341
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:36,809
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

342
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:41,016
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

343
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,715
Robin's here. Look,
Trudy, I need you to hide in my bedroom.

344
00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:46,085
Why? Is that your girlfriend?

345
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:48,887
No. That's not my girlfriend.
Look, it's complicated.

346
00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:50,985
You're married.
Yeah, I can't believe I did this.

347
00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:54,657
No, no, no. I'm not married.
I'll explain after you hide.

348
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,066
- Hello.
- Hi.

349
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:04,642
- Hey, Robin. Top of the morning.
- ROBIN: Hey, guys.

350
00:19:04,743 --> 00:19:06,011
Hey, Robin. Good sweater.

351
00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:06,670
Hey, Robin. Good sweater.

352
00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:11,077
Sorry I kept calling you like that.
I was pretty drunk.

353
00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:14,243
Yeah, no kidding.
Those calls were really weird.

354
00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:17,219
Look, Ted, maybe we need to talk.

355
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:20,083
- Let's go get a snack.
- I love to snack.

356
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,454
I'm good.

357
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:28,961
Come on. Those calls weren't that weird.

358
00:19:29,134 --> 00:19:30,158
(CLEARS THROAT)

359
00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:36,901
<i>TED; Robin! Come hang out!</i>

360
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:40,103
<i>Okay, I'm gonna make this sound</i>
<i>till you come hang out,</i>

361
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,612
<i>(TED BELLOWING)</i>

362
00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:48,375
That goes on for three and a half minutes.

363
00:19:48,487 --> 00:19:51,820
Without a breath?
That's gotta be some kind of record.

364
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:54,449
Ted, you can't do this. Please.

365
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,290
We agreed to be friends,
and now you're making it all confusing.

366
00:19:57,396 --> 00:20:00,854
No, I'm not. Look,
I just turned off my brain for the night.

367
00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:03,366
Nothing's changed. You've moved on.
I've moved on.

368
00:20:03,468 --> 00:20:05,663
Really? You've moved on?

369
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:08,604
Yes. What, you don't believe me?

370
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,299
Oh, okay.

371
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:13,239
Trudy! Come on out.

372
00:20:13,845 --> 00:20:15,278
You are gonna laugh.

373
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:19,441
- Wait, you were with someone last night?
- Yeah, Trudy. She's cool.

374
00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:21,814
Trudy, come on out.

375
00:20:22,321 --> 00:20:24,448
Yeah, seriously, it's okay.

376
00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:30,627
This is so Trudy. She's really shy. I think.

377
00:20:31,930 --> 00:20:33,090
Trudy?

378
00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:42,064
Hi, Trudy. I'm Robin. It's nice to meet you.

379
00:20:43,475 --> 00:20:45,067
You're right, she's shy.

380
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:48,840
I'm not making this up.
She must've climbed out the fire escape.

381
00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:52,041
Whatever. Whatever.
I don't care what you think.

382
00:20:52,684 --> 00:20:54,982
Then why did you hide her from me?

383
00:20:56,154 --> 00:20:57,519
Wow, you're good.

384
00:20:57,623 --> 00:21:00,057
Anyone ever tell you
you should be on <i>60 Minutes?</i>

385
00:21:00,158 --> 00:21:03,093
- Yes, you did. Last night.
- Really?

386
00:21:05,797 --> 00:21:07,059
Well.

387
00:21:07,165 --> 00:21:09,292
Get some sleep, Ted. You had a long night.

388
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:13,261
And don't feel bad.
I've woken up with worse.

389
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:23,545
<i>OLDER TED; I left Trudy a message,</i>
<i>But she never called me back,</i>

390
00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:25,776
<i>That's just how life works sometimes,</i>

391
00:21:25,884 --> 00:21:27,545
<i>You turn off your brain for a night,</i>

392
00:21:27,653 --> 00:21:31,555
<i>and all you're left with the next day</i>
<i>is a bad hangover, a sprained ankle</i>

393
00:21:31,657 --> 00:21:33,215
<i>and a pineapple,</i>

394
00:21:33,592 --> 00:21:36,618
<i>Oh, and we never found out</i>
<i>where that pineapple came from,</i>

395
00:21:36,728 --> 00:21:38,491
<i>But it was delicious,</i>