1
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:08,173
OLDER TED; Kids, something you
might not know about your Uncle Marshall
2
00:00:08,274 --> 00:00:10,401
is that he's always been good at games,
3
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:11,841
I mean unbeatable,
4
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:13,003
Gin!
5
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:16,309
Yahtzee!
6
00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:18,643
Poker!
7
00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:21,647
You don't have to shout out "poker"
when you win.
8
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,620
I know. It's just fun to say.
9
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:25,282
OLDER TED; We all finally agreed,
10
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:27,155
Marshall should be
running our game nights,
11
00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:28,522
instead of playing in them,
12
00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:31,620
Which he took to mean,
"Invent your own game,"
13
00:00:31,831 --> 00:00:34,391
It's called "Marshgammon."
14
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,496
It combines all the best features
of all the best games,
15
00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,799
Candyland, I Never, Pictionary.
16
00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:41,498
- Backgammon, obviously.
- No.
17
00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:43,132
Backgammon sucks.
18
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,643
I took the only good part of
"backgammon," the "gammon,"
19
00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:49,237
and I left the rest of it in the trash
where it belongs.
20
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,982
I'm so excited Victoria's coming.
21
00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:53,916
I'm gonna go get another round.
22
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:56,614
Okay. I wanna lay down
some ground rules for tonight, Barney.
23
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,419
I actually like Victoria a lot.
24
00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:02,757
So, don't say anything...
Don't say anything.
25
00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:06,431
And, guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria
26
00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:08,501
that I used to have
a kind of thing for Robin,
27
00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:12,867
- so if we could just avoid the...
- Well, well, well, how rich.
28
00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:16,638
You make me promise to be on
my best behavior around your girlfriend,
29
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:19,644
yet you have been lying to her
since day one.
30
00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:21,343
Excuse me.
31
00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:23,274
Hi, Leg Warehouse?
32
00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:25,874
Yeah, my friend Ted
needs something to stand on.
33
00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:29,421
So, nothing for him to stand on?
Okay, thanks so much.
34
00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:34,850
Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know
that you once had the hots for Robin?
35
00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:39,055
I have half a mind
to tell the story of the re-return.
36
00:01:39,732 --> 00:01:42,257
(WHISPERING) No,
I swore you to secrecy on that.
37
00:01:42,368 --> 00:01:46,099
I am smelling dirt.
What is the story of the re-return?
38
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:47,867
Nothing. It's nothing.
39
00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:49,532
And, speaking of digging up dirt,
40
00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:51,906
can I count on you two
to behave around Victoria?
41
00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:54,070
Us? What would we do?
42
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:57,883
Look, you guys have always been
like the parents that I still have,
43
00:01:57,984 --> 00:02:00,009
and, in fact, moved here to get away from.
44
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,180
However, could we skip
the traditional interrogation
45
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:05,519
of the new girlfriend tonight?
46
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:06,819
- Fine.
- Fine.
47
00:02:06,926 --> 00:02:07,984
Thank you.
48
00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:10,619
- I should go help Robin.
- Okay.
49
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:14,064
- Hey.
- Hey.
50
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:17,701
So, you gonna be okay
hanging out with Victoria tonight?
51
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,635
Oh, sure. She's great.
52
00:02:20,406 --> 00:02:22,966
Oh, what? Because of the whole thing
where I said I liked Ted?
53
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:24,703
No. Victoria is great.
54
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,712
She's fun, she's free-spirited. She's great.
55
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:30,216
I said "She's great" too many times,
didn't I?
56
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,580
You must really hate the bitch.
57
00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:37,579
But if you roll an even number
while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest,
58
00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:40,818
then you "Marshall Out,"
and all your chips go into the pot.
59
00:02:40,927 --> 00:02:44,761
And remember,
if you ever ask the question, "What,"
60
00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:47,059
then you gotta drink.
61
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:48,701
Got it?
62
00:02:48,801 --> 00:02:51,099
- No idea what you're talking about.
- No idea what you're talking about.
63
00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:52,228
Okay, okay. All right, no, no.
64
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,670
We'll just start. You guys will pick it up.
Newbie goes first.
65
00:02:54,774 --> 00:02:56,139
- MARSHALL: Roll.
- Okay.
66
00:02:57,277 --> 00:03:00,542
Three! You got "Autobiography."
67
00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:04,208
Now, that's where you have to answer
a personal question about your dating life,
68
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:06,114
truthfully, in order to move on.
69
00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:09,882
- Marshall, come on.
- Hey. She's the one who rolled a three.
70
00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:12,955
Victoria.
71
00:03:13,059 --> 00:03:16,392
"Have you ever cheated
while in a relationship?"
72
00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:18,225
Wow, good question.
73
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:20,799
- You don't have to answer that.
- It's okay.
74
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:25,398
Well, I was in a really crappy relationship
in college,
75
00:03:25,505 --> 00:03:29,168
and I wound up kissing this guy
at a party one night
76
00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:33,075
and I felt terrible about it,
so I came clean and we broke up.
77
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,412
Victoria, that was an honest
and mature answer.
78
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:40,952
You may advance
to the Gumdrop Mountains.
79
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:46,017
So, Victoria,
did you ever re-return to this guy?
80
00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,719
- What?
- You said what. You gotta drink.
81
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:54,499
Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party
in that new building on 82nd,
82
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:56,193
and the host said she knew you.
83
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:59,362
- What is her name? Sharon? Shannon?
- Shannon?
84
00:04:00,373 --> 00:04:02,000
Shannon, Shannon.
85
00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:04,806
No. Don't remember any Shannon.
86
00:04:05,044 --> 00:04:07,672
Really? Well, 'cause she gave me
a videotape to give you.
87
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:09,407
Where's the tape?
88
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:13,383
I'll get it.
89
00:04:13,486 --> 00:04:15,784
Cool. Okay. You know, whenever.
90
00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:18,355
Okay, Robin. Your roll.
91
00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:23,958
Five! Another "Autobiography."
92
00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:28,395
For the player to your left which...
Victoria!
93
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:29,991
Of course.
94
00:04:30,403 --> 00:04:31,631
Victoria.
95
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:36,439
"How many boyfriends did you have
before you started dating Ted?"
96
00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:38,339
Wait, the card actually says Ted?
97
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:42,278
Okay. Well, boyfriends,
I guess I've only had two.
98
00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:43,781
Prude-alert.
99
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:49,188
Well, that... That's serious boyfriends.
I've dated other guys in between.
100
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,120
Oh, slut-alert!
101
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:58,128
Oh, great, there it is.
Thanks, Lily, you're a peach.
102
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,267
(BARNEY YELLING)
103
00:05:01,434 --> 00:05:03,095
(SLAPPING)
104
00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:08,370
Well, wow, look at that.
105
00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:11,341
Robin landed on the Chocolate Swamp.
That's five chips for me.
106
00:05:11,444 --> 00:05:14,777
Thank you. Finally,
somebody understands Marshgammon.
107
00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:17,641
Barney, what was on that tape?
108
00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:20,451
- Too bad you'll never find out.
- Damn it!
109
00:05:20,553 --> 00:05:24,887
If only I'd given you a fake tape
and hidden the real tape in my purse.
110
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,323
Oh, wait. That's exactly what I did.
111
00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:28,894
- What?
- Drink.
112
00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:34,633
Yeah, you were acting so weird about it
I gave you Ted's graduation tape instead.
113
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,868
- So, should we pop it in?
- Give it to me.
114
00:05:37,970 --> 00:05:38,937
- Hey, hey!
- Ted!
115
00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:40,005
- Play it. Play it!
- Fine, fine.
116
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:43,270
I cannot believe...
117
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,146
Shannon! I love you,
118
00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:51,844
I love you so much,
119
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,818
What about us
changing the world together?
120
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,793
Don't tell me you've forgotten,
I know I haven't,
121
00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:06,457
(SINGING)
122
00:06:37,263 --> 00:06:39,993
- Did you try his cell phone?
- Yeah, I left two messages.
123
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:43,967
I checked the cigar club,
the Lusty Leopard. He's off the grid.
124
00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:46,498
Hey, guys. What up?
125
00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:49,769
- Barney, where have you been?
- Yeah, we're really sorry about that.
126
00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,400
Yeah, so sorry.
127
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:54,878
But seriously, what was up with the tape?
128
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,573
- No. Stay.
- Come on. Come on.
129
00:06:56,682 --> 00:06:58,877
- Stay. Come on.
- I'm sorry. I don't wanna talk about it.
130
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,215
It was the most embarrassing
and humiliating thing
131
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,480
that ever happened to me.
132
00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:06,183
Well, we all have embarrassing stories.
Sometimes it's good to talk about it.
133
00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:07,486
Oh, really?
134
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:10,653
Then why don't you tell us
your most humiliating moment, Marshall?
135
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:12,628
Show me how good it is.
136
00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:16,258
All right.
137
00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:19,870
MARSHALL; I was stopping by Lily's
kindergarten class to say hi,
138
00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:21,872
but they were all at recess,
139
00:07:21,974 --> 00:07:25,501
I really had to pee,
so I went into the class's restroom,
140
00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:29,103
It was a smaller target than I'm used to,
141
00:07:29,215 --> 00:07:31,513
so I figured I should sit down,
142
00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:36,719
What I didn't realize was
it was a shared bathroom,
143
00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:38,187
(BOTH SCREAMING)
144
00:07:40,893 --> 00:07:43,088
I wish I'd pulled up my pants,
145
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:46,630
(CHILDREN LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)
146
00:07:49,001 --> 00:07:51,469
The kids still call him Funny Butt.
147
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,468
Okay. I'll tell you my story.
148
00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:01,346
Believe it or not, I was not always
as awesome as I am today.
149
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:05,284
BARNEY; It was 1998,
I was just out of college,
150
00:08:05,384 --> 00:08:07,944
and I was working at a coffeehouse
with my girlfriend,
151
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,113
My girlfriend, Shannon,
152
00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:15,124
Thank you,
153
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,093
All right.
154
00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:23,635
- I love your singing, Barney.
- And I love you, Shannon.
155
00:08:23,736 --> 00:08:24,896
(GIGGLING)
156
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:27,632
Joining the Peace Corps with you
is gonna be legendary.
157
00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:31,801
I know. Only five short weeks,
till we're down in Nicaragua.
158
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,504
Hey, nonfat latte to go.
159
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:37,672
Mellow order, bro, mellow order.
160
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:42,448
Dude. That's your G-friend?
All right, high-five.
161
00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:45,084
Sorry, I only give high-twos.
162
00:08:46,325 --> 00:08:49,055
Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that.
163
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:51,623
Listen to you. "That"?
164
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:55,465
You know, women aren't objects.
They're human beings.
165
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,704
And FYI, Shannon and I have
decided to wait till we're married.
166
00:08:58,804 --> 00:09:00,294
You can read about it in my zine.
167
00:09:01,407 --> 00:09:02,965
Hey, Haircut, right here.
168
00:09:03,075 --> 00:09:05,236
Open up your knowledge basket
'cause here it comes.
169
00:09:05,344 --> 00:09:06,538
Forget all that touchy-feely crap.
170
00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:09,240
You get money, you get laid.
End of discussion.
171
00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:11,339
I feel sorry for you, man.
172
00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:13,411
Peace out, hombre,
173
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:14,845
(SCOFFS)
174
00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:16,714
Suits.
175
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:21,788
BARNEY; Five weeks later, we were all set
to leave for the Peace Corps,
176
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,486
Only problem was
177
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:26,360
she never showed up,
178
00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:34,362
- She never showed?
- So what happened next?
179
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:37,934
You know what? This was a mistake.
180
00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:41,810
Wait, what if somebody else
told their most humiliating story?
181
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,348
Oh, I know just how to decide who.
182
00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:46,145
You brought the game to the bar?
183
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,345
We're not quitting
just 'cause Ted's so far ahead.
184
00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:49,921
I was winning?
185
00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:52,252
(EXCLAIMS)
186
00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:54,553
(CLEARS THROAT)
187
00:09:54,827 --> 00:09:56,158
Fine. I'll go next.
188
00:09:56,829 --> 00:10:00,230
ROBIN; I was doing a report on live TV
about a hansom cab driver,
189
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:04,201
- The slipping-in-horse-poop story?
- Yeah, we all know that one.
190
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:05,827
VICTORIA: Okay, how about this?
191
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,463
I will tell you my most humiliating story.
192
00:10:08,574 --> 00:10:10,769
Yeah, Victoria. Way to step up.
193
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:13,367
It involves a game of Truth or Dare,
194
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,949
a squeeze bottle
of marshmallow ice cream topping,
195
00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:20,450
and the hot tub at my grandparents'
retirement community.
196
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,748
OLDER TED; Kids, I tell you
a lot of inappropriate stories,
197
00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:25,153
but there's no way in hell
I'm telling you this one,
198
00:10:25,257 --> 00:10:27,020
Don't worry, though, it wasn't that great,
199
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:31,028
That is the greatest story ever!
200
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,860
- Oh, my God!
- Wow, wow, wow!
201
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:38,070
Victoria, I deem your offering worthy.
202
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:42,634
My saga continues.
203
00:10:43,609 --> 00:10:46,669
BARNEY; I went back to the coffeehouse
to find Shannon,
204
00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:49,270
- Barney!
- Sugar bear, where were you?
205
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:53,010
I'm sorry. My dad won't let me go.
206
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:56,211
But the Nicaraguans need us.
207
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,688
It's just he's still supporting me.
208
00:10:58,791 --> 00:11:01,225
And, look,
he's coming by soon to talk about it,
209
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:04,353
but I think you should go on without me.
210
00:11:04,463 --> 00:11:06,590
- Shannon, there is no...
- Barney.
211
00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:08,257
It's your dream.
212
00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:12,003
It's only two years. I know we can make it.
213
00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:19,068
As I walked away,
I realized Shannon was an adult,
214
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,544
Her father couldn't control her life,
215
00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:24,081
I had to go back and confront him,
216
00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:31,480
She was in the middle
of a heated argument with her dad,
217
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:38,430
(BAG THUDDING)
218
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:39,956
ALL: What?
219
00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:41,728
(BUZZING)
220
00:11:42,401 --> 00:11:44,301
Now we all gotta drink.
221
00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:52,207
Oh, my God. What happened next?
222
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:55,905
- Oh, I don't know, guys.
- Okay, okay.
223
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:59,447
- Marshall's mom sent us cookies.
- Lily, no! No, Lily!
224
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,214
For the team, Marshall, for the team.
225
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:04,949
Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily.
226
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,958
Thank you so much
for the delicious cookies.
227
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:10,489
Mayonnaise. Really?
228
00:12:11,263 --> 00:12:12,958
Never would have guessed.
229
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,125
Yes, well I will definitely give Marshall
a kiss for you.
230
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:17,668
Okay, take care.
231
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:21,137
- Hi, baby.
- Oh, crap! My mom sent cookies?
232
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:25,508
Yeah. I wish we had a dog,
so they wouldn't go to waste.
233
00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:26,635
Yeah.
234
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:29,378
So, we've got the whole place
to ourselves.
235
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:33,350
- I'm thinking floor sex.
- Sounds reasonable.
236
00:12:35,621 --> 00:12:37,248
LILY: Oh, floor's cold.
237
00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:40,554
Grab that afghan your mom made.
238
00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:44,319
The whole time?
239
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:47,860
The whole time.
240
00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:51,467
Barney, that was really embarrassing
for both of us.
241
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:53,834
We just earned a huge chunk of story.
242
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,964
Right. So where was I?
243
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:59,138
Oh, yeah.
Shannon was sucking face with her dad.
244
00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:10,419
How could... With your dad?
245
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:15,085
I mean, I know,
judge not lest ye be judged, but gross!
246
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,287
Barney, that's not my dad.
247
00:13:17,396 --> 00:13:19,728
His name's Greg.
I've been seeing him for a few weeks.
248
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:23,427
I was hoping you'd just leave
and we could avoid all this.
249
00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:27,364
We're breaking up?
But what about the Peace Corps?
250
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:30,806
Yeah, all this granola business,
it was just a phase.
251
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:34,243
Greg's older. He's successful.
252
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,911
He buys me all this cool stuff.
253
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:41,549
- But I love you.
- But he has a boat.
254
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:47,448
You should go to the Peace Corps.
And forget about me.
255
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,762
BARNEY; I didn't go,
256
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:57,060
That night, I recorded my video
and mailed it to Shannon,
257
00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:59,330
I didn't see her until a week later,
258
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:02,299
There's sugar in the basket.
259
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:07,001
Shannon! Shannon, you came back!
260
00:14:07,112 --> 00:14:09,239
I'm just picking up my last paycheck.
261
00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:13,377
Did you... Did you get my tape?
262
00:14:14,086 --> 00:14:15,917
Oh, she got the tape.
263
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:20,147
You? You... It was you?
264
00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:23,186
(SINGING MOCKINGLY)
265
00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:24,730
(LAUGHING)
266
00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:25,094
(LAUGHING)
267
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,425
Oh, man!
268
00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:30,735
(SHANNON AND GREG LAUGHING)
269
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,280
(CRYING)
270
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:55,960
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
271
00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:45,838
Oh, you poor thing.
272
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,506
The story's not over.
I did see Shannon one more time.
273
00:15:49,748 --> 00:15:52,080
- When?
- Sorry. Sorry.
274
00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:56,221
Oh, you've gotta tell us.
275
00:15:56,388 --> 00:16:00,882
I don't know. I think I might need
one last story to get me through it.
276
00:16:03,228 --> 00:16:04,456
Fine.
277
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,358
Oh, the Green Testicles story.
278
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,490
So, I was playing Ultimate Frisbee
in college,
279
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,068
and there was this barefoot dude
with a weirdly sharp toenail...
280
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:14,401
Oh, come on, Ted!
You know what story I wanna hear.
281
00:16:14,773 --> 00:16:17,708
Everyone else here has manned-up tonight
and told the truth.
282
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,277
Why can't you?
283
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:22,012
You're right.
284
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:26,310
Victoria, I'm sorry I haven't
told you this yet, but a while back,
285
00:16:26,418 --> 00:16:29,216
I was kind of into Robin.
286
00:16:30,422 --> 00:16:34,449
In fact, on our first date,
I might've said, "I love you."
287
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:39,064
Understandably, she freaked out,
and I left,
288
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:42,691
but unfortunately,
the night did not end there.
289
00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:48,063
TED; We all ended up at the bar
with our cabdriver, Ranjit,
290
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,107
To one hell of a night!
291
00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:51,608
(ALL LAUGHING)
292
00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:54,377
TED; And I drank,
293
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:55,707
A lot,
294
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,338
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
295
00:16:58,984 --> 00:17:01,919
So, you guys think
I should have kissed her?
296
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:06,958
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna go kiss her. Right now.
297
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:09,152
Yes! Do it!
298
00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:10,592
To the car.
299
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:11,890
(LAUGHING)
300
00:17:24,309 --> 00:17:27,745
(VOMITING)
301
00:17:28,647 --> 00:17:30,911
ROBIN: Hello? Is someone out there?
302
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:37,589
(GASPING)
303
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,823
You ralphed and ran?
304
00:17:43,662 --> 00:17:46,392
I thought you were vomit-free since '93.
305
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:48,361
So, that was a lie?
306
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:53,299
You re-returned for me.
That's really sweet.
307
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:57,134
Though you kind of ruined
my customized Scherbatsky doormat.
308
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:59,142
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
309
00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:05,006
- Victoria, I know this must be...
- Yeah. It kind of is.
310
00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:12,483
Wow, Ted, you were right.
You shouldn't have told that story.
311
00:18:12,891 --> 00:18:15,826
But you did earn yourself
the right to the end of mine.
312
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,453
We fast-forward eight years
into the future.
313
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:21,362
Wait, eight years. That's this year.
314
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:25,165
Marshall, not only is it this year,
it's tonight.
315
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:36,338
Hi.
316
00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:40,014
- Barney?
- Hi, Shannon.
317
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,618
- What are you doing here?
- Just listen.
318
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:46,885
When you left me for that guy Greg,
it changed me.
319
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:49,194
Now, I'm this.
320
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:54,760
I know this is crazy, it's just,
you were once such a big part of my life,
321
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:57,335
and it just seemed insane
that you didn't know who I am now.
322
00:18:57,436 --> 00:18:59,768
So, here I am.
323
00:19:01,773 --> 00:19:03,604
BARNEY; And then she told me
about her life,
324
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:07,039
She and Greg dated for a while,
and then split up.
325
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,380
But here's the real kicker.
Shannon's a mom.
326
00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:13,347
She has a little kid named Max.
327
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:17,046
That's crazy. That could've been my kid.
328
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:20,517
But instead, what do I have?
329
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:24,123
My whole life's some money in the bank,
some suits in my closet,
330
00:19:24,229 --> 00:19:26,959
and a string of one-night stands.
331
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,133
Hey, come on.
332
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:32,032
I mean, just because her life
went one way,
333
00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:35,937
and yours went another,
doesn't make your life any worse.
334
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,333
My life rocks!
335
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:44,178
Money, suits and sex.
These are tears of joy.
336
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,408
I could be cooped up
in some tiny apartment,
337
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:49,749
changing some brat's poopy diapers,
338
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:53,621
but instead, I'm out in the world
being awesome 24/7, 365.
339
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:56,216
You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy.
340
00:19:56,728 --> 00:20:00,255
Plus, here's the mini-cherry,
on top of the regular cherry,
341
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,959
on top of the sundae of awesomeness
that is my life.
342
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:05,832
After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her.
343
00:20:06,972 --> 00:20:07,996
- No.
- Yeah.
344
00:20:08,106 --> 00:20:09,130
- No.
- Yeah.
345
00:20:09,241 --> 00:20:11,334
Sorry, don't buy it. You're making it up.
346
00:20:11,443 --> 00:20:14,674
You're just trying to cover the fact
that you actually had a profound moment
347
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,008
of doubt about yourself and...
348
00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:17,206
(SHANNON MOANING)
349
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:19,546
- Oh, my God.
- SHANNON; Oh, Barney, oh,
350
00:20:19,651 --> 00:20:21,710
Video's pretty good on this phone, huh?
351
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:22,912
SHANNON; Is your phone on?
352
00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:25,819
BARNEY; Oh, no, it just takes a while
to power down,
353
00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:28,017
Oh, gross. Just stop it.
354
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:29,093
(CHUCKLING)
355
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:32,525
Ladies, gentlemen, Ted.
356
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:35,926
This has been a wonderful evening.
357
00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:39,697
I got great dirt on all you guys.
I got Ted to tell the re-return.
358
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,740
I finally nailed Shannon!
Told her I'd call her tomorrow.
359
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:44,240
Yeah, right.
360
00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:48,405
And I rediscovered
just how awesomely awesome my life is.
361
00:20:48,513 --> 00:20:50,208
Peace out, hombres,
362
00:20:54,052 --> 00:20:56,520
I think Barney just won game night.
363
00:20:58,457 --> 00:21:01,722
OLDER TED; We spend so much effort
trying to keep parts of our lives hidden,
364
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:04,061
even from our closest friends
365
00:21:04,162 --> 00:21:06,687
that those rare times
when we do open up,
366
00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:10,290
it's amazing how minor those secrets
all end up seeming,
367
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:19,241
$100 says when you turn around...
368
00:21:19,344 --> 00:21:22,438
Of course,
not every secret was told that night,
369
00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:26,277
But that's getting ahead of the story,