1
00:00:15,248 --> 00:00:17,478
Her favorite CD
in the Otis Redding box set? Disk three.

2
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:21,153
My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone?

3
00:00:21,254 --> 00:00:23,222
Come on. Disk three!

4
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,891
God, Victoria's so amazing.
I could talk about her for hours.

5
00:00:26,993 --> 00:00:28,927
What do you mean could?

6
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,860
I'm sorry. It's just...

7
00:00:30,964 --> 00:00:34,365
God, I'm crazy about this girl.
It feels like, maybe...

8
00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:38,098
- I don't wanna say it.
- Trust that impulse, Ted.

9
00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:42,139
Hey, something kind of cool
just happened.

10
00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:44,107
My story on Pickles, the singing dog,

11
00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:47,270
just got nominated
for a Local Area Media Award.

12
00:00:48,181 --> 00:00:52,242
- A LAMA?
- We prefer Local Area Media Award.

13
00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:55,177
Um, there's gonna be this big banquet.

14
00:00:55,288 --> 00:00:56,653
I know these things aren't much fun,

15
00:00:56,756 --> 00:00:59,020
but it would really mean a lot to me
if you guys came.

16
00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:00,422
Oh, well...

17
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:01,954
And there's an open bar.

18
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,029
- Oh, yes!
- Word up!

19
00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:05,120
Put me down for two.

20
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,256
- Really? It's three months away.
- I know.

21
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:10,530
But, guys, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.

22
00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:14,095
I have a feeling Victoria's gonna be around
for a long time.

23
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,543
I'm gonna miss Victoria.

24
00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:19,436
I should just skip this thing entirely.

25
00:01:19,546 --> 00:01:22,538
Robin is still pissed at me after,
you know...

26
00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:25,641
You lied and said you were broken up
with Victoria before you actually were,

27
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:26,946
so you could try to nail Robin,

28
00:01:27,053 --> 00:01:30,113
and you wound up losing both girls
in one night.

29
00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:32,885
Yes, that's what I meant by, "You know..."

30
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:36,528
I haven't seen her in three weeks.
She won't return my calls.

31
00:01:36,629 --> 00:01:39,359
- Look, I shouldn't go.
- You should definitely go.

32
00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:40,626
Look, it's a chance to show her

33
00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:42,530
you're still friends
and that you support her.

34
00:01:42,635 --> 00:01:45,798
Or it's a chance to mess with her head
by showing up with someone hotter.

35
00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:49,170
Even better, triple threat,
hotter and bigger boobs.

36
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:51,641
- That's only two.
- Count again.

37
00:01:52,378 --> 00:01:54,608
Barney, I'm not bringing a date
even if I wanted to.

38
00:01:54,714 --> 00:01:56,045
The thing's in two hours.

39
00:01:56,149 --> 00:01:59,312
- So get an escort.
- By escort, you mean prostitute?

40
00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:01,984
- Why not?
- Because gross?

41
00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:03,880
Oh, what, gross?

42
00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:06,891
What, you have some puritanical hang-up
about prostitution?

43
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:09,757
Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.

44
00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:12,827
- You really think that's true?
- Oh, yeah.

45
00:02:12,932 --> 00:02:15,332
I bet even Cro-Magnons
used to give cave-hookers,

46
00:02:15,435 --> 00:02:17,767
like, an extra fish for putting out.

47
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,863
Uh-huh. So, then, the oldest profession
would be fisherman. Kaboom!

48
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,737
You've been lawyered.

49
00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:27,309
Come on, Ted. Let's get you a hooker.
It'll be fun.

50
00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:30,211
Okay. To bring to the banquet
and hang out with ironically

51
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:33,342
- or to actually have sex with?
- Yes.

52
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:38,317
No, it's illegal. And did I mention gross?

53
00:02:38,424 --> 00:02:41,325
That's adorable.
Ted, you're such a hayseed.

54
00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:45,655
The companionship business
is the growth industry of the 21st century.

55
00:02:45,765 --> 00:02:50,361
You do realize that one out of every eight
adult women in America is a prostitute.

56
00:02:50,470 --> 00:02:51,459
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.

57
00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:52,560
Lawyered.

58
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:53,764
(GROANS)

59
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:57,438
The point is... How long has it been?

60
00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:01,371
Fifty-seven days.

61
00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:03,805
- Is that your water? May I?
- Yeah, go ahead.

62
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,316
Much obliged.

63
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:10,422
Fifty-seven days! Ted, you are in a slump.

64
00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:14,357
No, it's not a slump.
It's an intentional hiatus from girls.

65
00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:17,224
A slump is when you strike out
every time you step up to the plate,

66
00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:19,195
but I'm off the roster, baby.

67
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,265
I'm in the locker room
sitting in the whirlpool.

68
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,835
And I'll tell you something,
it feels pretty good.

69
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,837
Yeah. You know what else
is in that locker room?

70
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:28,499
A bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.

71
00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:34,378
Ted, you need a lady,
and I've got the next best thing. Mary.

72
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:38,377
She lives in my building.
She's smart. She's hot. She's totally cool.

73
00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:39,815
Oh, she sounds great.

74
00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:42,444
And, who knows, maybe we will wind up
getting married someday,

75
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:45,524
you know,
if we can get a blessing from her pimp.

76
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,752
You wanna judge a fellow human being

77
00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:50,522
based solely on
one external characteristic?

78
00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:52,120
That's racism.

79
00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:55,868
And I do not drink with racists. Good day!

80
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,538
You're just waiting for me to speak,
so you can...

81
00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:04,234
I said good day!

82
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:06,579
So should I wear my hair up or down?

83
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:08,672
So should I wear my hair up or down?

84
00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:13,108
- Lily.
- What?

85
00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:16,154
- You okay?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

86
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,588
I'm just exhausted from work.

87
00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:22,457
The stupid school board took away
naptime in all kindergarten classes,

88
00:04:22,562 --> 00:04:25,895
and now the kids are just going crazy
by the end of the day.

89
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:29,935
And it's much harder to deal with
because, well, I don't get my nap.

90
00:04:30,903 --> 00:04:34,066
Oh, wait, you were taking naps
when the kids were? Is that safe?

91
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:37,040
Oh, they're only five.
What are they gonna do to me?

92
00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:42,705
- Ted's still coming to this thing, right?
- Yep.

93
00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:47,443
Do you think, hypothetically,
it would be weird if I bring a date?

94
00:04:48,488 --> 00:04:52,686
Look at you, Scherbatsky,
blatantly trying to make Ted jealous.

95
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,158
(STAMMERING) No, it's just this guy
at the station.

96
00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:58,958
I never get involved with coworkers,
but he asked me and I said yes.

97
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:02,499
- Is it gonna be weird?
- No, it's not gonna be weird at all.

98
00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:06,532
- Robin's bringing a date.
- That's gonna be really weird.

99
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,266
- I know.
- Okay.

100
00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:14,503
- Robin's bringing a date.
- Oh. Okay, that's not weird.

101
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:17,105
She's bringing a date.
I'm glad she's moving on.

102
00:05:17,216 --> 00:05:20,083
- Dude, it's gonna be weird.
- No, it's fine.

103
00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:23,587
Look, in spite of whatever happened
between us, Robin and I are still friends.

104
00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:24,679
I don't think it'll be weird.

105
00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:26,383
- Yeah, it won't be weird.
- Thank you.

106
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:28,687
Because you're gonna bring
your own date.

107
00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:31,320
- Hello, Barney.
- Hi, Mary.

108
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:33,422
Have you met Ted?

109
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:40,437
- Nice to meet you, Ted.
- Hi, Mary.

110
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:43,332
Wow! It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.

111
00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:45,070
So, we're going to an award show?

112
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,770
Yep. Could you just excuse us
for one minute?

113
00:05:46,879 --> 00:05:48,813
- Barney?
- See you in two shakes, Mar.

114
00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:51,440
You two make yourselves comfortable.

115
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:53,913
What the hell?

116
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,716
Dude, your narrow-minded views
on professional fornicators

117
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:58,256
are harshing my mellow.

118
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:02,055
- So, I got you a date for the evening.
- You got me a hooker.

119
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:05,024
A really hot... A hooker!

120
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,356
Think about it. This is perfect.

121
00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:10,436
A, it will make Robin insanely jealous.

122
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,970
B, you get to have sex with her.

123
00:06:13,072 --> 00:06:15,336
And C, maybe by getting to know Mary,

124
00:06:15,441 --> 00:06:17,739
you'll come to see
that courtesans are people, too.

125
00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:21,803
And D, B all night long.

126
00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:24,676
I'm not taking a prostitute
to Robin's banquet.

127
00:06:24,784 --> 00:06:26,979
Dude, the only people who will know
are you, me and Marshall.

128
00:06:27,086 --> 00:06:28,110
No one will suspect a thing.

129
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:31,918
They'll just see you with
this unbelievably smoking hot girl and...

130
00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:34,618
Okay, yeah, that's a little bit suspicious.

131
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:38,990
Look, I'm just trying to expand
your horizons a little bit tonight.

132
00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:42,261
But if you're not interested, fine,
I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever.

133
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:43,767
Five hundred bucks, you?

134
00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:45,838
Ted, you're my <i>cabrón,</i>

135
00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:50,272
You think I'm gonna stick you with some
toothless tranny from the Port Authority?

136
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:53,902
Look at how hot she is.
Robin would be so jealous.

137
00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:57,073
I'm not trying
to make Robin jealous, Barney.

138
00:06:57,183 --> 00:07:00,516
Look, I... Tell Mary thanks, but no thanks.
I have a soul.

139
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:03,615
<i>OLDER TED; And then</i>
<i>your Uncle Marshall and I</i>

140
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:04,747
<i>had one of our famous</i>

141
00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:06,518
<i>telepathic conversations,</i>

142
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,584
<i>- Check out Robin's date,</i>
<i>- I know,</i>

143
00:07:09,695 --> 00:07:14,257
<i>- Is that who I think it is?</i>
<i>- Yep, It's Sandy Rivers,</i>

144
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:17,364
<i>OLDER TED; Sandy Rivers</i>
<i>was the face of</i>Metro News 1,

145
00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:20,405
<i>the most low-budget</i>
<i>cable news channel ever,</i>

146
00:07:20,673 --> 00:07:22,607
Sandy time. Sandy time!

147
00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:26,538
<i>He was best known for his morning</i>
<i>segment in "Today's Paper,"</i>

148
00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:30,946
<i>during which he literally flipped through</i>
<i>today's paper reading it aloud to viewers,</i>

149
00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:34,383
<i>Here we have on the front page</i>
<i>a story about a...</i>

150
00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:39,390
<i>I guess a guy in a superhero costume</i>
<i>climbing the Empire State Building,</i>

151
00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:41,419
<i>Looks interesting,</i>

152
00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:45,495
<i>OLDER TED; These idiotic filler pieces</i>
<i>were a guilty pleasure of ours,</i>

153
00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:47,998
Oh, which Sandy do we want today?
Uh...

154
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:51,699
- French Sandy, porn-star Sandy...
- Yosemite Sandy, definitely.

155
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:53,431
Excellent choice.

156
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,534
(LAUGHING)

157
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:59,008
<i>SAND Y;... I raised these as a child,</i>
<i>I tell you it's not easy,</i>

158
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:02,611
(BOTH LAUGHING)

159
00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:05,617
I love this guy.

160
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,809
I hate this guy.

161
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:13,322
- Hey. Hi.
- Hi.

162
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,587
- I'm Lily.
- I'm Mary. Nice to meet you.

163
00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:18,289
Mary is a friend of Barney's.
Barney invited her.

164
00:08:18,397 --> 00:08:20,797
Just met Mary ourselves.
Don't know too much about Mary.

165
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:22,333
Look, a beer.

166
00:08:24,937 --> 00:08:26,268
- Hey.
- Hi.

167
00:08:26,772 --> 00:08:28,933
- You look nice.
- Oh, Ted, this is Sandy.

168
00:08:29,041 --> 00:08:33,273
Hi, Sandy Rivers. Use my full name.
People get a kick out of it.

169
00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:35,643
Hi, Sandy Rivers.

170
00:08:36,949 --> 00:08:40,248
- So, are you two...
- Starting a bunch of office rumors?

171
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,617
Looks that way. Looks that way.

172
00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:46,021
Oh, how rude of me.

173
00:08:46,492 --> 00:08:49,120
Robin, Sandy... Rivers,

174
00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:52,397
this is Mary, my date.

175
00:08:58,004 --> 00:08:59,266
<i>ANNOUNCER; Ladies and gentlemen,</i>

176
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,273
<i>welcome to the 45th annual</i>
<i>Local Area Media Awards,</i>

177
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,309
<i>Please say hello</i>
<i>to our host for the evening,</i>

178
00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:08,311
<i>king of the Saturday afternoon</i>
<i>kung fu movie, Vampire Lou,</i>

179
00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:16,515
<i>Tonight we celebrate the very best</i>
<i>in broadcasting</i>

180
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:19,557
<i>and the triumph of the human spirit,</i>

181
00:09:20,359 --> 00:09:23,385
Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.

182
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,431
I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker.

183
00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:31,128
Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily
go to the ladies' room together, man.

184
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,670
Secrets come out in there.

185
00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:34,069
Oh, please, how's it gonna come out?

186
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,641
"Pass me a towel.
P.S. I have sex for money."

187
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:39,006
- Who had sex for money?
- Nobody.

188
00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:41,477
What did you guys talk about in there,
anything interesting?

189
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,071
No, not really.

190
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:46,809
We just chitchatted,
and I borrowed her lipstick.

191
00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:53,556
Yeah, why is Vampire Lou the host
of a Saturday afternoon kung fu movie?

192
00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:57,557
You know? It just makes no sense.
God, that pisses me off.

193
00:09:58,130 --> 00:09:59,358
Lily, you okay?

194
00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:03,094
Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.
And when I get tired, I get cranky.

195
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:05,363
Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.

196
00:10:05,471 --> 00:10:08,167
"Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky."

197
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:11,970
Wow. Why are you so tired?

198
00:10:12,378 --> 00:10:13,777
Well, I teach kindergarten,

199
00:10:13,879 --> 00:10:15,779
and the school board
took away my naptime...

200
00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:17,473
The kids' naptime.

201
00:10:17,683 --> 00:10:20,015
Lily, quit your job.
Work at a private school.

202
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:21,586
You won't have to deal
with the school board,

203
00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:24,383
- and you'll make a ton more money.
- Well, guess what, Barney?

204
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:27,982
I don't base all my life decisions
on how much money I'm gonna make,

205
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:30,187
unlike you and sadly my fiancé.

206
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,355
Well, it's just an internship
for the record for everybody...

207
00:10:32,498 --> 00:10:36,161
Yeah, because if I did sacrifice
all my values just for an easy buck,

208
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:39,431
- what would that make me?
- A prostitute.

209
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:42,298
Exactly. Thank you, Mary.

210
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:46,344
- So, Mary, what do you do for a living?
- She's a paralegal.

211
00:10:48,514 --> 00:10:50,106
Yes, I'm a paralegal.

212
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:52,446
ROBIN: So, Mary the paralegal.

213
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:55,218
What does a paralegal do exactly?

214
00:10:56,489 --> 00:11:00,823
I just assist with day-to-day clerical work
in a law firm, downtown.

215
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,726
- Oh, what firm?
- Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.

216
00:11:05,097 --> 00:11:07,395
- That's a real law firm.
- I know.

217
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,192
Nice.

218
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:13,735
- Pretty good on your feet.
- Are you flirting with me?

219
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:17,104
- Is that allowed?
- Yes, it's encouraged.

220
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:21,680
(STAMMERING) You know,
I wouldn't normally say this on a first date,

221
00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:24,477
but, well, considering,
I'm just gonna say it.

222
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:26,414
You are so hot.

223
00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:29,616
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.

224
00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:32,657
Mary, Ted is a great guy.
You hold on to him.

225
00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:35,283
Don't let him out of your sight
for a minute.

226
00:11:36,829 --> 00:11:38,820
So, Sandy, what do you do?

227
00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:40,831
Oh, wait, I know what you do.

228
00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:42,867
You're the guy
who reads the paper in the morning.

229
00:11:42,968 --> 00:11:45,937
You got me. What do you do, Ted?

230
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:48,404
Oh, same thing as you.
I read the paper every morning.

231
00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:52,170
But then after that, I finish my coffee
and I go to my real job as an architect,

232
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:54,769
where I make an actual contribution
to the world.

233
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,144
I'm just kidding. Love your show.
You're terrific.

234
00:11:57,249 --> 00:12:00,412
Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.

235
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,822
Hey, you know that scene in <i>Empire</i>

236
00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:08,894
where they lower the helmet
onto Darth Vader's head?

237
00:12:08,994 --> 00:12:12,361
Do you think that's how Sandy
puts his hair on in the morning?

238
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:17,297
You just insulted someone I hate
by referencing something I love.

239
00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:20,103
Damn! You just got even hotter.

240
00:12:23,342 --> 00:12:26,641
<i>OLDER TED; And so, as the night wore on,</i>
<i>I started to realize</i>

241
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:31,240
<i>this girl, despite what she did for a living,</i>
<i>was kind of great,</i>

242
00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:37,215
- Hey.
- Hey.

243
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,582
Mary seems nice.
Have you kissed her yet or are you waiting

244
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,685
until you're in a serious relationship
with someone else?

245
00:12:43,796 --> 00:12:46,856
Yeah. I've been meaning to apologize
for everything that happened.

246
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:49,662
And just like that it's all okay. Roll credits.

247
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,636
So you're gonna be mad at me forever?
What, we're not even friends now?

248
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:54,729
- We're still friends.
- We're... Are we?

249
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,831
You don't return my calls.
We never hang out.

250
00:12:56,942 --> 00:13:00,207
And now you're trying to make me jealous
by waving Edward R. Moron in my face?

251
00:13:00,312 --> 00:13:04,271
Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here
in her low-cut dress to make me jealous?

252
00:13:04,383 --> 00:13:06,374
Oh, so now she's a whore?

253
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,414
- What?
- You know something?

254
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:12,491
Mary the paralegal is awesome.
And you know what else?

255
00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:14,149
I didn't come here tonight
to make you jealous.

256
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:18,663
I came here to support you as a friend,
and frankly, I'm sick of trying.

257
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:23,425
I like that guy.

258
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,168
- Hey.
- Hey.

259
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:30,765
What were you guys
talking about over there?

260
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:34,903
Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend
that I think you're awesome.

261
00:13:36,048 --> 00:13:37,538
Well, thanks.

262
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,286
You know, this is one of the nicer hotels
I've ever been in.

263
00:13:41,387 --> 00:13:42,649
Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel.

264
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,416
You should see the rooms,
the views are amazing.

265
00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:47,549
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad
we don't have a room.

266
00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:51,222
Room 1506, my treat. You kids go nuts.

267
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,696
Actually, don't use the minibar.

268
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,401
Do it. Come on, Ted, do it.

269
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,739
This is one of those things you have to do
before you turn 30.

270
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:09,246
- Sleep with a prostitute?
- No, lose your virginity. What up!

271
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:13,910
Statistic. Men who have had
at least one relationship with a prostitute

272
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:17,716
are 75% more likely
to have success in future relationships.

273
00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:19,120
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.

274
00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:21,386
Lawyered. Okay, three things.

275
00:14:21,493 --> 00:14:23,188
First of all, Robin's category is almost up.

276
00:14:23,295 --> 00:14:26,696
And second of all, you cannot do this.
It's wrong on every level.

277
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:29,495
And third, I've been placing small items
in Sandy's hair all night,

278
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:31,263
and he still hasn't noticed.

279
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:35,602
I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this.
It's just... It's a shame. She's really cool.

280
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,074
- Yeah, well... Here we go.
- All right.

281
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:41,704
<i>...Brampton for</i>
<i>"A Bicycle, Joy Ride or Deathtrap?"</i>

282
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:45,776
<i>Mike Murphy</i>
<i>for "Thirteen, Pregnant and Addicted,"</i>

283
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:49,949
<i>And Robin Scherbatsky</i>
<i>for "Pickles, the Singing Dog,"</i>

284
00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:53,689
<i>And the winner is Robin Scherbatsky,</i>

285
00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:55,824
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

286
00:14:59,932 --> 00:15:01,263
Thanks.

287
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:06,667
<i>Oh, wow, This is really a surprise,</i>

288
00:15:07,706 --> 00:15:11,369
<i>You know, it's nice to be able</i>
<i>to share this award with my friends,</i>

289
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:12,774
<i>They're all here tonight,</i>

290
00:15:12,878 --> 00:15:15,312
<i>Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers...</i>

291
00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:17,478
<i>(ROBIN GIGGLES)</i>

292
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:18,811
<i>Barney,</i>

293
00:15:20,185 --> 00:15:23,484
<i>And that's it, Those are all my friends,</i>
<i>Thank you,</i>

294
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:33,730
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.

295
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:38,459
- Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab?
- Sure. Let's go.

296
00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:42,972
Yeah, this party is dead.
Mary, you wanna go upstairs?

297
00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:45,804
We got a room.

298
00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:51,576
<i>- Dude, what are you doing?</i>
<i>- What's it look like?</i>

299
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:54,653
<i>It looks bad, is what it looks like,</i>
<i>You cannot do this,</i>

300
00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:57,688
<i>Marshall, she is a really cool girl</i>
<i>when you get to know her,</i>

301
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:01,920
<i>- Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous,</i>
<i>- Oh, that's real mature,</i>

302
00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:05,296
<i>Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?</i>

303
00:16:05,764 --> 00:16:07,959
<i>Nothing, baby, Don't worry about it,</i>

304
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,967
<i>Fine, Do what you want,</i>

305
00:16:10,602 --> 00:16:11,762
<i>Hey,</i>

306
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:13,562
Should we go?

307
00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:14,866
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

308
00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:17,575
Thanks.

309
00:16:17,676 --> 00:16:20,270
Well, good night.

310
00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:22,344
Good night.

311
00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:39,128
So, did you and Barney ever...

312
00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:42,029
- There's not enough money in the world.
- Oh, thank God.

313
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:43,158
Yeah.

314
00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:44,326
(SIGHS)

315
00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:48,373
- Wow, so they're...
- Uh-huh.

316
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:54,002
- Robin, where's Sandy Rivers?
- I put him in a cab.

317
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:57,846
- So, wait, you and he aren't...
- I don't date people I work with.

318
00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:00,282
I was just trying to make Ted jealous.

319
00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:03,378
- Is he...
- He's off trying to make you jealous.

320
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:05,514
Oh, well, good for them.

321
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:09,516
And, you know, if Ted likes her,
she's probably pretty cool.

322
00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:13,593
<i>Lily, I know you're asleep,</i>
<i>but I have to tell someone this,</i>

323
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,964
<i>and we tell each other everything,</i>
<i>So here it goes,</i>

324
00:17:17,636 --> 00:17:20,799
<i>Mary's not a paralegal, She's a prostitute,</i>

325
00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:22,836
Mary's a prostitute?

326
00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:25,734
- What?
- Barney paid for her.

327
00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:28,345
Barney, is that true?

328
00:17:28,447 --> 00:17:31,348
We were having a conversation
about prostitution.

329
00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:34,578
And then Barney calls her up,
and then she shows up at the bar,

330
00:17:34,686 --> 00:17:36,381
and now she and Ted are upstairs.

331
00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:38,786
Okay, seriously,
what is going on with Ted, lately?

332
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,223
Is he having a nervous breakdown?

333
00:17:41,326 --> 00:17:45,558
You know, Barney,
for anyone else this would be a new low,

334
00:17:45,664 --> 00:17:48,462
but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.

335
00:17:49,968 --> 00:17:53,131
Oh, my God, I used her lipstick. Oh!

336
00:17:53,705 --> 00:17:54,865
That's her napkin.

337
00:17:54,973 --> 00:17:56,201
(EXCLAIMING)

338
00:17:57,543 --> 00:18:00,376
Okay, well, I guess now
is as good a time as any.

339
00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:02,606
In keeping with tonight's
award show motif,

340
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:06,047
I'd like to announce
this evening's big twist ending.

341
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,114
(EXCLAIMS)

342
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,981
Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?

343
00:18:13,325 --> 00:18:16,021
"Mary is not really a prostitute."

344
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,420
- What?
- That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.

345
00:18:19,531 --> 00:18:21,021
- So she's not...
- No.

346
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:23,363
Mary is just a paralegal
who lives in my building.

347
00:18:23,469 --> 00:18:25,403
Oh! And here's the best part.

348
00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:27,665
She has no idea
that Ted thinks she's a hooker.

349
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,741
(BARNEY LAUGHING)

350
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:33,975
Oh, come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

351
00:18:37,983 --> 00:18:39,575
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

352
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:47,454
Feel kind of like Richard Gere.

353
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,890
- Not shy about your looks, are you?
- No.

354
00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:55,966
You know, Mary,
I've never done this before.

355
00:18:56,401 --> 00:19:01,338
- Done what?
- You know, been on a date.

356
00:19:02,941 --> 00:19:04,135
Right.

357
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,343
- Wait, you're kidding, right?
- No.

358
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:09,442
Why, is that so odd?

359
00:19:09,548 --> 00:19:14,451
Well, Ted, I mean,
I've been going on dates since I was 15.

360
00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:17,512
God, you were just a kid.

361
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:21,520
Well, look, let's just have a few drinks.
We'll relax...

362
00:19:21,627 --> 00:19:23,185
Yeah, that sounds great.

363
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:25,855
I had clients riding me all day long.

364
00:19:27,032 --> 00:19:28,727
- Must be tough.
- Yeah.

365
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,961
I mean, this one guy
just wouldn't leave me alone.

366
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:33,037
I mean, talk about anal.

367
00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:41,869
Here we are.

368
00:19:45,384 --> 00:19:48,444
Okay, look. Mary, I like you a lot.

369
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,915
(STAMMERING) I'm sort of amazed
at how much I like you.

370
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,992
But I can't do this, you're a hooker.

371
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:56,853
What?

372
00:19:56,962 --> 00:20:00,022
Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned,
but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me.

373
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,566
I'm not gonna have sex with a prostitute.

374
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,936
Ted, I'm a paralegal.

375
00:20:05,337 --> 00:20:07,100
Come on, Mary,
there's no one else around.

376
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,798
You're a hooker.

377
00:20:09,474 --> 00:20:12,341
No, Ted. I'm a paralegal.

378
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,409
No, you're a hooker.

379
00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:19,816
No, I'm a paralegal.

380
00:20:23,855 --> 00:20:25,516
You're a paralegal.

381
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:27,353
(LAUGHING)

382
00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:32,421
- That was not funny.
- Not funny, dude.

383
00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:34,689
I know. It was hilarious.

384
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:38,799
- Why would you do that?
- I did it to prove a point.

385
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,269
(SCOFFS) What point?

386
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,600
Stay with me, it's gonna come to me.

387
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:48,074
Okay, here's the point.

388
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,841
You thought that Mary
was a sure thing, right?

389
00:20:49,948 --> 00:20:53,714
So what happened? She took you up
to a hotel room on the first date.

390
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:56,617
All you have to do is be that confident
with every girl you meet

391
00:20:56,722 --> 00:20:57,916
and your slump's over.

392
00:20:58,023 --> 00:21:00,856
So the message is,
I should treat every woman like a whore?

393
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:03,018
Come on, dude.
You should be thanking me.

394
00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:05,028
She slapped me and stormed off.

395
00:21:05,130 --> 00:21:07,928
Can you blame her?
You called her a hooker.

396
00:21:09,368 --> 00:21:11,598
I'm sorry, dude. It was funny.

397
00:21:11,803 --> 00:21:13,737
Yeah. Well, it's getting late.

398
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:15,830
- I should get back to my room.
- Your room?

399
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:19,001
Yeah, that really expensive hotel room
you put on your credit card,

400
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:22,342
never checked out.
By the way, you know what's super fun?

401
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:25,041
Pouring Dom Perignon
down a bathtub drain.

402
00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:28,278
Well, it's almost 3:00.
Got a massage. Toodles!

403
00:21:31,456 --> 00:21:34,425
Come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.