1 00:00:00,718 --> 00:00:04,056 Marshall and Lily had been together for nine wonderful years, 2 00:00:04,066 --> 00:00:06,826 until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco. 3 00:00:07,566 --> 00:00:10,211 The healing process was taking a long time. 4 00:00:11,601 --> 00:00:14,453 Then, one night, he made a giant leap forward. 5 00:00:14,463 --> 00:00:16,091 All right, I'll see you guys later. 6 00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:17,230 I'll walk you out. 7 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:18,474 See ya. 8 00:00:22,764 --> 00:00:24,855 You just checked out Robin's ass. 9 00:00:24,865 --> 00:00:26,937 What? No! No, Barney, I was... 10 00:00:26,947 --> 00:00:28,941 Dude, that's awesome. 11 00:00:28,951 --> 00:00:32,034 You're finally forgetting about that short redhead. 12 00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:32,780 Lily. 13 00:00:32,791 --> 00:00:35,975 Yes, Lily. Thank you. That was going to drive me crazy all night. 14 00:00:35,985 --> 00:00:38,220 Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked out your girlfriend's ass. 15 00:00:38,267 --> 00:00:40,872 - I did not, Ted, I... - That's awesome. 16 00:00:40,885 --> 00:00:42,290 You're finally getting better. 17 00:00:42,307 --> 00:00:44,171 This is the moment I've been waiting for. 18 00:00:44,185 --> 00:00:47,610 Starting tonight, I am going to teach you how to live. 19 00:00:47,628 --> 00:00:49,592 Ted, you had your chance. You're out; Marshall's in. 20 00:00:49,605 --> 00:00:50,943 - Yes! - Oh, God. 21 00:00:50,958 --> 00:00:54,792 Marshall, being a single guy in New York City is like... 22 00:00:55,616 --> 00:00:57,240 What's something everybody likes? 23 00:00:57,255 --> 00:00:58,263 Candy. 24 00:00:58,277 --> 00:01:00,800 Yes, it's like being in a candy store. 25 00:01:00,818 --> 00:01:04,123 You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. 26 00:01:04,558 --> 00:01:06,000 Yeah. 27 00:01:06,535 --> 00:01:08,101 Is Whoppers the best one? 28 00:01:08,115 --> 00:01:09,193 Mounds. 29 00:01:09,207 --> 00:01:10,523 Milk Duds. 30 00:01:10,535 --> 00:01:12,171 Gobstoppers. 31 00:01:12,996 --> 00:01:15,210 This went on for another hour; 32 00:01:15,226 --> 00:01:16,693 I'll just skip to the end. 33 00:01:16,706 --> 00:01:18,732 - Dubble Bubbles. - Nice! 34 00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:20,450 Marshall. We're doing this. 35 00:01:20,468 --> 00:01:22,391 I am not taking no for an answer. 36 00:01:22,405 --> 00:01:23,671 Fine. 37 00:01:23,685 --> 00:01:25,793 Hey, Robin. Marshall checked out your ass. 38 00:01:25,807 --> 00:01:27,341 Ted, what is wrong with you? 39 00:01:27,358 --> 00:01:29,012 He checked out my ass. 40 00:01:29,026 --> 00:01:32,551 Hey, tell him thanks. I felt like I was having a bad ass day. 41 00:01:32,567 --> 00:01:34,521 Cool, see ya. 42 00:01:37,657 --> 00:01:39,132 Lily. 43 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,433 It is a great ass. 44 00:01:54,968 --> 00:01:57,382 None of us had seen Lily in three months. 45 00:01:57,396 --> 00:01:59,392 There were so many unanswered questions, 46 00:01:59,407 --> 00:02:01,012 so many things to say. 47 00:02:01,026 --> 00:02:03,721 Your hair is adorable. 48 00:02:05,416 --> 00:02:08,322 Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women 49 00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:10,883 for the first time since he was 17. 50 00:02:10,896 --> 00:02:13,152 Hi. Have you met Marshall? 51 00:02:13,895 --> 00:02:15,353 - Hi. - Hi. 52 00:02:17,146 --> 00:02:19,520 Look how sweaty my hands are. 53 00:02:20,396 --> 00:02:22,981 It's weird, right? Uh, sweat? 54 00:02:22,995 --> 00:02:26,960 Like, this smelly water coming out of your skin. 55 00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:30,700 It was nice meeting you. 56 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:33,462 I-I-I hate to interrupt, but, uh, 57 00:02:33,478 --> 00:02:35,351 do you like magic? 58 00:02:35,365 --> 00:02:37,430 Um, I guess. 59 00:02:39,175 --> 00:02:41,761 Oh, my God! 60 00:02:45,935 --> 00:02:48,481 Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. 61 00:02:48,498 --> 00:02:50,761 Salad in a bag? His idea. 62 00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:53,693 Dude! You were awesome last night. 63 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,410 You were charming, you were funny, 64 00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:57,163 you were totally working that girl. 65 00:02:57,178 --> 00:02:58,562 You went home with her. 66 00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:00,420 Yes, I did. 67 00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:03,723 But she told me that if it wasn't for me, 68 00:03:03,736 --> 00:03:05,263 you would have had a shot with her, 69 00:03:05,275 --> 00:03:08,122 so, in hypothetical terms, you scored last night. 70 00:03:08,138 --> 00:03:09,360 All right! 71 00:03:09,376 --> 00:03:11,240 Hypothetical high five. 72 00:03:12,746 --> 00:03:14,240 Nice. 73 00:03:14,258 --> 00:03:16,580 All right. Tonight, we're going to go to the bar... 74 00:03:16,598 --> 00:03:19,330 Barney, no, I am not going out with you ever again. 75 00:03:19,348 --> 00:03:22,142 Come on! I'll, I'll teach you all of my strategies. 76 00:03:22,155 --> 00:03:22,933 Oh, really? 77 00:03:22,947 --> 00:03:25,081 My favorite, number seven: 78 00:03:25,098 --> 00:03:26,990 create a mystery about yourself. 79 00:03:27,006 --> 00:03:30,772 That way, they become so intrigued, they have to hang out with you all night. 80 00:03:30,786 --> 00:03:32,823 Oh, come on, does that really work? 81 00:03:32,836 --> 00:03:35,840 Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't. 82 00:03:38,306 --> 00:03:40,950 Damn it, that's intriguing. Okay, I'm in. 83 00:03:43,967 --> 00:03:46,100 - I have something you've got to hear. - You will not believe what just happened. 84 00:03:46,118 --> 00:03:47,713 You go first. 85 00:03:48,755 --> 00:03:51,621 I found a 1939d penny on the subway. 86 00:03:51,695 --> 00:03:54,603 Just imagine the kind of history this little copper guy... 87 00:03:54,618 --> 00:03:56,262 Lily's back in town. 88 00:03:56,408 --> 00:03:58,902 And you let me go first? 89 00:03:58,916 --> 00:03:59,881 Have you seen her? 90 00:03:59,898 --> 00:04:03,370 Yeah. I actually went apartment-hunting with her today. 91 00:04:03,385 --> 00:04:04,941 How's she doing? 92 00:04:04,958 --> 00:04:06,691 You're not going to like it. 93 00:04:06,958 --> 00:04:09,213 I am doing great. 94 00:04:09,228 --> 00:04:11,360 This summer, best thing ever! 95 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:14,130 San Francisco is so happening right now. 96 00:04:14,145 --> 00:04:15,691 She's happy?! 97 00:04:15,705 --> 00:04:19,011 Marshall had the worst summer of his life, and she's happy. 98 00:04:19,648 --> 00:04:23,442 Yeah, and I suppose her art program was all fulfilling or whatever. 99 00:04:23,458 --> 00:04:27,161 Oh. The art program-- best thing ever. 100 00:04:27,276 --> 00:04:29,090 Oh, my God. 101 00:04:29,108 --> 00:04:30,971 This is your best work. 102 00:04:30,985 --> 00:04:34,141 In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so... 103 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:38,841 Needless to say, this is art. 104 00:04:39,867 --> 00:04:42,182 I can't teach you anything. 105 00:04:45,628 --> 00:04:47,640 But the best part of S.F.-- 106 00:04:47,658 --> 00:04:49,832 Oh, that's what we call San Francisco-- 107 00:04:49,845 --> 00:04:50,971 the people. 108 00:04:50,987 --> 00:04:53,232 Even just riding around on the bus all summer. 109 00:04:53,246 --> 00:04:56,590 It was like a human tapestry. 110 00:04:56,715 --> 00:04:58,232 Hi, I'm Mike. 111 00:04:58,246 --> 00:05:01,312 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure-traveler writer. 112 00:05:01,427 --> 00:05:04,863 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 113 00:05:04,875 --> 00:05:06,191 Yeah. 114 00:05:06,205 --> 00:05:08,001 I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon. 115 00:05:08,015 --> 00:05:10,231 You are stunning, by the way. 116 00:05:12,527 --> 00:05:15,083 Wow. I'm so happy for you. 117 00:05:15,096 --> 00:05:17,670 Oh, she's such a... 118 00:05:19,306 --> 00:05:22,722 After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated, 119 00:05:22,738 --> 00:05:26,481 crawling on all fours over the broken glass of her own shame and regret. 120 00:05:26,498 --> 00:05:28,820 You never chose sides. I respect that. 121 00:05:28,837 --> 00:05:30,583 She's unbelievable. Unbelievable. 122 00:05:30,595 --> 00:05:32,991 Unbelievable? What's unbelievable? 123 00:05:33,007 --> 00:05:34,350 Oh. Listen, Marshall. 124 00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:38,301 Ted found a penny on the subway, and it's old, and that's interesting. 125 00:05:41,366 --> 00:05:42,952 Way to go. 126 00:05:45,836 --> 00:05:48,691 Okay, first of all, that is interesting. 127 00:05:48,705 --> 00:05:50,163 Second, we have to tell him. 128 00:05:50,178 --> 00:05:53,840 No, we don't. He's just starting to get better, going out with Barney. 129 00:05:53,856 --> 00:05:57,111 I mean, how do you think he's going to feel when he hears Lily's moved on? 130 00:05:57,128 --> 00:05:59,471 - She's moved on? - It happens. 131 00:05:59,488 --> 00:06:01,590 I've fallen out of love faster than that before, 132 00:06:01,608 --> 00:06:04,211 sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. 133 00:06:04,227 --> 00:06:07,283 One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. 134 00:06:08,277 --> 00:06:10,471 But we're great. 135 00:06:10,485 --> 00:06:12,191 Honey. 136 00:06:14,756 --> 00:06:17,660 Now, let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating. 137 00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:20,212 Lesson two, corollary five. 138 00:06:20,228 --> 00:06:23,590 Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive 139 00:06:23,606 --> 00:06:24,961 and she'll be putty in your hands. 140 00:06:24,965 --> 00:06:27,422 Excellent. Have you chosen your entree? 141 00:06:27,435 --> 00:06:30,282 I have. Sweet brunette, eight o'clock. 142 00:06:30,297 --> 00:06:32,061 Nine o'clock. Ten... thirty. 143 00:06:32,076 --> 00:06:33,830 She's walking to the bar. 144 00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:36,674 - Her? Really? - Yeah. 145 00:06:36,686 --> 00:06:39,740 No, you're right. Ambition is the enemy of success. 146 00:06:39,751 --> 00:06:41,455 Okay. Hit it. 147 00:06:45,418 --> 00:06:47,822 What's the matter, four eyes, you got astigmatism or something? 148 00:06:47,836 --> 00:06:49,750 I'm sorry, I was trying to playfully disarm you, 149 00:06:49,786 --> 00:06:51,230 but I just got out of a long relationship. 150 00:06:51,268 --> 00:06:53,471 I have no idea what I'm doing. 151 00:06:54,328 --> 00:06:55,322 I'm Marshall. 152 00:06:55,336 --> 00:06:57,602 Hi, Marshall. Amy. 153 00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,491 Don't worry. I've been there. 154 00:06:59,508 --> 00:07:00,971 Hold on. 155 00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:03,150 Nice recovery. I think it's working. 156 00:07:03,165 --> 00:07:05,931 Um, Amy. This is my friend, Barney. 157 00:07:05,946 --> 00:07:07,813 Barney, this is Amy. 158 00:07:07,825 --> 00:07:09,693 Hi, Barney. Nice to meet you. 159 00:07:09,708 --> 00:07:11,142 Hi. 160 00:07:11,878 --> 00:07:15,490 Amy, do you like... magic? 161 00:07:15,515 --> 00:07:18,411 - I hate you. - I am so sorry. 162 00:07:18,428 --> 00:07:21,562 It's a sickness. I'm the real victim here. 163 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:22,771 Twice. 164 00:07:22,787 --> 00:07:26,553 Twice in a row, you took my candy. That was my candy. 165 00:07:26,566 --> 00:07:29,692 - I know, but tonight... - No. Forget it. 166 00:07:29,708 --> 00:07:32,182 You're such a jackass. 167 00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:36,991 I thought you were gonna call me a jerk. 168 00:07:37,878 --> 00:07:40,570 All right, I'm sorry. I will make it up to you. 169 00:07:40,587 --> 00:07:43,520 Tonight, we'll go to a college bar near NYU-- 170 00:07:43,537 --> 00:07:45,443 The Scorpion and the Toad. 171 00:07:45,456 --> 00:07:48,773 I figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly 172 00:07:48,787 --> 00:07:52,292 and, as a third-year law student, more smarter. 173 00:07:56,427 --> 00:07:58,721 Okay, but no magic. 174 00:08:01,286 --> 00:08:03,010 How did you do that? 175 00:08:03,026 --> 00:08:05,162 I'm taking a leak, dumb ass. 176 00:08:06,957 --> 00:08:10,230 The next day, Robin and I went apartment-hunting with aunt Lily. 177 00:08:10,246 --> 00:08:12,912 But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, 178 00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:15,171 which was painting, but now I think it's music 179 00:08:15,186 --> 00:08:17,080 or spoken word-- maybe both. 180 00:08:17,096 --> 00:08:19,251 God! Isn't life amazing? 181 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,952 It is so great to see you, Ted. 182 00:08:22,117 --> 00:08:24,933 I'm going to get the key from the lockbox. 183 00:08:27,756 --> 00:08:28,710 What? 184 00:08:28,728 --> 00:08:31,490 She's miserable. She's realized she's made a huge mistake. 185 00:08:31,507 --> 00:08:33,900 Her and Marshall will be back together in a week. I love it! 186 00:08:33,916 --> 00:08:36,091 Um, no. You just want Lily to be miserable. 187 00:08:36,107 --> 00:08:37,382 The truth is, she's happy. 188 00:08:37,398 --> 00:08:39,421 Trust me. I've known Lily for nine years. 189 00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:40,683 Trust me. I'm a girl. 190 00:08:40,696 --> 00:08:42,550 Yeah, but you're Canadian. 191 00:08:42,566 --> 00:08:44,870 - Why do you always have to bring that up? - You're our weird neighbors to the north. 192 00:08:44,906 --> 00:08:49,012 - You bring it up every time. - Five bucks says she still wants Marshall. 193 00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,301 You're on. 194 00:08:50,318 --> 00:08:51,820 Five American bucks. 195 00:08:51,838 --> 00:08:53,482 Damn it. 196 00:08:53,608 --> 00:08:55,851 Okay, so how do we get the truth out of her. 197 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,772 Tequila. It's her weakness. 198 00:08:57,787 --> 00:09:00,383 Three shots, she'll tell you the truth about anything. 199 00:09:00,728 --> 00:09:03,620 I hope this is my new home. 200 00:09:05,986 --> 00:09:09,112 Yeah, I'm going to take that first apartment. 201 00:09:10,277 --> 00:09:12,290 Marshall Eriksen, suit up! 202 00:09:12,307 --> 00:09:13,051 No way. 203 00:09:13,066 --> 00:09:14,722 Yeah, you're good in that. 204 00:09:14,737 --> 00:09:16,822 - Let's go. - Wait. 205 00:09:16,835 --> 00:09:18,631 Empty your pockets. 206 00:09:19,556 --> 00:09:20,872 Come on. 207 00:09:26,068 --> 00:09:28,342 - Come on, let's... - Sleeves. 208 00:09:28,357 --> 00:09:31,380 - There is nothing in my... - Oh, is that right? 209 00:09:38,568 --> 00:09:40,081 Let's go. 210 00:09:40,508 --> 00:09:44,672 - Behind my ear. - There is nothing behind your... 211 00:09:50,205 --> 00:09:52,892 Yeah, I'm in pre-law. The workload's killing me, though. 212 00:09:52,906 --> 00:09:56,293 Oh, tell me about it. I'm third year at Columbia Law, so... 213 00:09:56,306 --> 00:09:59,592 if the workload does kill you, I can probably get a conviction. 214 00:10:00,628 --> 00:10:02,053 Yeah. 215 00:10:02,067 --> 00:10:04,051 You must be majoring in chemistry, 216 00:10:04,075 --> 00:10:07,153 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... 217 00:10:07,845 --> 00:10:10,431 College lesbian phase. 218 00:10:13,975 --> 00:10:17,953 Listen, I got to go, but it'd be great to see you again. 219 00:10:18,106 --> 00:10:20,271 Yes, it would. 220 00:10:20,505 --> 00:10:22,592 It really would. 221 00:10:23,217 --> 00:10:25,763 Well, maybe I'll see you here sometime. 222 00:10:25,885 --> 00:10:28,631 Probably not. I'm never here, so... 223 00:10:28,858 --> 00:10:30,771 You know, I do have a phone number. 224 00:10:30,788 --> 00:10:32,392 Great. 225 00:10:32,788 --> 00:10:34,513 Nice. 226 00:10:34,627 --> 00:10:36,962 - Hi, I'm Barney. - Oh, no. 227 00:10:36,975 --> 00:10:40,751 Do you... mind giving my friend your phone number? 228 00:10:40,768 --> 00:10:42,442 Sure. 229 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:45,763 Whoo! 230 00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:48,592 I did it! I got a girl's phone number. 231 00:10:48,605 --> 00:10:51,041 Oh, and her handwriting is so cute, look. 232 00:10:51,056 --> 00:10:52,672 Oh, I'm gonna take her out for Chinesr food 233 00:10:52,707 --> 00:10:54,191 and then maybe we'll walk through the park. 234 00:10:54,228 --> 00:10:56,511 It'll be so... what? 235 00:10:56,745 --> 00:10:59,721 Sorry, buddy, I'm taking this one, too. 236 00:11:04,457 --> 00:11:06,043 I'll kill you! 237 00:11:06,057 --> 00:11:08,510 And then, I discovered this area, North Beach. 238 00:11:08,528 --> 00:11:10,303 Best beach ever! 239 00:11:10,315 --> 00:11:13,651 Oh, I've been blabbering on about my summer. 240 00:11:13,665 --> 00:11:15,373 How are you guys doing? 241 00:11:15,387 --> 00:11:17,092 And hey, how's Marshall? 242 00:11:17,105 --> 00:11:18,990 - Give me the card! - I'm not giving you any card. 243 00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:20,442 - I swear...! - You are not getting...! 244 00:11:20,477 --> 00:11:21,720 Terrific. 245 00:11:21,736 --> 00:11:24,630 That is so good to hear. Oh, hold on. 246 00:11:24,648 --> 00:11:27,361 This could be about the apartment. 247 00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:29,950 Okay, we're way past truth-telling-Lilly 248 00:11:29,966 --> 00:11:32,272 and about to hit Cinco-de-Mayo-1998-Lilly 249 00:11:32,286 --> 00:11:34,212 and I'm not cleaning that up again. 250 00:11:34,225 --> 00:11:37,331 So, congratulations, you win. 251 00:11:37,347 --> 00:11:39,371 She's happy. 252 00:11:39,385 --> 00:11:41,160 I didn't get it. 253 00:11:41,316 --> 00:11:43,680 That first apartment, I... 254 00:11:43,697 --> 00:11:45,813 I waited too long and... 255 00:11:45,825 --> 00:11:48,280 somebody else got it. 256 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:53,512 Interesting. 257 00:11:53,828 --> 00:11:55,602 Wow, Lily, you, uh... 258 00:11:55,618 --> 00:11:58,551 seem to be having a pretty strong reaction on losing an apartment. 259 00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:01,590 I wonder if it's because it reminds you of something else you lost 260 00:12:01,607 --> 00:12:03,872 because you couldn't commit. 261 00:12:03,885 --> 00:12:06,701 No, Lily, you're crying over the crown molding 262 00:12:06,718 --> 00:12:09,962 and the real hardwood floors. There's no deeper meaning. 263 00:12:09,978 --> 00:12:12,951 Right, Lily? Just quit crying and tell him. 264 00:12:13,888 --> 00:12:18,952 The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall. 265 00:12:22,425 --> 00:12:23,970 - Stop it! - You don't want to see... 266 00:12:23,986 --> 00:12:25,492 - ..what I'm like when I'm angry. - It's my card! 267 00:12:25,507 --> 00:12:27,043 Stop! Hold on! 268 00:12:27,056 --> 00:12:28,771 If we can't settle this like gentlemen, 269 00:12:28,788 --> 00:12:29,920 then no one gets the number. 270 00:12:29,936 --> 00:12:32,762 - No! Stop the cab. - Wha...? 271 00:12:33,886 --> 00:12:37,120 No, wait. Come on. Marshall! 272 00:12:37,135 --> 00:12:39,382 81st and First, please. 273 00:12:42,018 --> 00:12:45,113 Ah, she does have cute handwriting. 274 00:12:46,075 --> 00:12:47,563 The thing about a hangover 275 00:12:47,578 --> 00:12:50,011 is that everyone has their own special remedy. 276 00:12:50,026 --> 00:12:51,251 Morning, guys. What can I get you? 277 00:12:51,286 --> 00:12:52,513 Shh! 278 00:12:52,527 --> 00:12:55,571 Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. 279 00:12:55,586 --> 00:12:57,272 And a milkshake. 280 00:12:57,287 --> 00:12:58,891 For you, sir? 281 00:12:59,625 --> 00:13:01,181 Gravy. 282 00:13:02,307 --> 00:13:04,733 You want that gravy on something? 283 00:13:04,745 --> 00:13:06,512 Surprise me. 284 00:13:06,527 --> 00:13:10,552 I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here. 285 00:13:10,566 --> 00:13:13,021 Just kidding. I'm good. 286 00:13:14,246 --> 00:13:16,501 What are you so chirpy about? 287 00:13:16,517 --> 00:13:18,570 She's still drunk from last night. 288 00:13:18,585 --> 00:13:20,443 I don't think so. 289 00:13:20,458 --> 00:13:22,643 Whoo! 290 00:13:24,655 --> 00:13:27,061 Look, if you want Marshall back so bad, 291 00:13:27,078 --> 00:13:29,530 how come it took you two days to even ask about him? 292 00:13:29,548 --> 00:13:33,220 I was dying to ask. I was just trying to play it cool. 293 00:13:33,238 --> 00:13:34,540 But really... 294 00:13:34,556 --> 00:13:36,352 But it's good, I mean, work is great... 295 00:13:36,366 --> 00:13:38,350 Come on, say something about Marshall. Where's Marshall? 296 00:13:38,386 --> 00:13:40,043 How's Marshall? What's Marshall doing right now? 297 00:13:40,078 --> 00:13:42,481 Shut up and talk about Marshall. Shut up and talk about Marshall. 298 00:13:42,516 --> 00:13:44,820 Shut up and talk about Marshall. Marshall, Marshall, 299 00:13:44,838 --> 00:13:47,290 Marshall, Marshall... I've got to ask! 300 00:13:47,305 --> 00:13:49,493 And hey, how's Marshall? 301 00:13:49,505 --> 00:13:51,352 It was such an awful summer. 302 00:13:51,367 --> 00:13:53,872 I just wanted to get back here and see him. 303 00:13:53,887 --> 00:13:56,043 But I thought your summer was great. 304 00:13:56,058 --> 00:13:58,070 Not exactly. 305 00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:00,472 Oh, my God. 306 00:14:00,516 --> 00:14:03,172 This is you best work? 307 00:14:03,495 --> 00:14:08,163 In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so needless. 308 00:14:08,178 --> 00:14:11,950 To say this is... art... 309 00:14:13,298 --> 00:14:15,573 I can't teach you anything. 310 00:14:16,358 --> 00:14:20,811 So all those interesting people you met on the bus? 311 00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:22,451 Yeah, um... 312 00:14:22,506 --> 00:14:24,463 Hi. I'm Mike. 313 00:14:24,476 --> 00:14:28,271 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer. 314 00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:33,013 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 315 00:14:33,028 --> 00:14:39,340 Hey, I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way. 316 00:14:39,987 --> 00:14:43,003 I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. 317 00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:44,713 I screwed everything up. 318 00:14:44,725 --> 00:14:47,790 I have no job, no place to live. 319 00:14:47,817 --> 00:14:50,841 I lost the love of my life. 320 00:14:51,077 --> 00:14:54,333 I know I have no right to ask this, but... 321 00:14:54,347 --> 00:14:56,812 do you think Marshall would take me back? 322 00:14:56,828 --> 00:14:58,171 In a heartbeat. 323 00:14:58,187 --> 00:15:01,852 If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms. 324 00:15:01,866 --> 00:15:04,940 Wow. So maybe I should call him. 325 00:15:04,958 --> 00:15:06,410 Maybe. 326 00:15:06,788 --> 00:15:09,453 No! This is... Ow! 327 00:15:10,598 --> 00:15:11,792 Hold on. 328 00:15:11,806 --> 00:15:14,212 Look, if you're going to go back to him, 329 00:15:14,226 --> 00:15:15,362 I don't want to hear the word "maybe." 330 00:15:15,378 --> 00:15:17,502 "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. 331 00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,312 This breakup almost killed him. 332 00:15:19,327 --> 00:15:21,673 And he cannot go through it again. 333 00:15:21,685 --> 00:15:26,702 So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him. 334 00:15:30,227 --> 00:15:32,853 This guy likes pennies. 335 00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:36,672 Hi, Marshall. 336 00:15:36,688 --> 00:15:38,842 No, go away. I don't want to talk to you. 337 00:15:38,858 --> 00:15:44,062 Okay, I know what I did a couple nights back is in a moral gray area. 338 00:15:44,076 --> 00:15:47,492 But the great news is, she loved you. 339 00:15:47,506 --> 00:15:49,720 If things had gone your way-- you'd gone out a couple times, 340 00:15:49,758 --> 00:15:52,032 I think she definitely would have had sex with you. 341 00:15:52,045 --> 00:15:54,591 There's no "would" in sex. 342 00:15:56,295 --> 00:15:59,791 You're right, I totally... I'm just no good at this, Barney. 343 00:15:59,808 --> 00:16:02,930 I'm good at being in a couple, I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend. 344 00:16:02,946 --> 00:16:05,012 Being single-- forget it. 345 00:16:05,025 --> 00:16:06,572 Come on, you can't give up now. 346 00:16:06,585 --> 00:16:08,841 What if I told you that you could relive that night 347 00:16:08,857 --> 00:16:11,662 with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes 348 00:16:11,678 --> 00:16:15,062 only this time, you get her and I don't. 349 00:16:15,078 --> 00:16:16,232 That's not possible. 350 00:16:16,247 --> 00:16:17,693 Oh, but it is. 351 00:16:17,707 --> 00:16:19,351 She has... 352 00:16:19,368 --> 00:16:20,972 wait for it... 353 00:16:20,987 --> 00:16:22,610 here it comes... 354 00:16:22,627 --> 00:16:24,223 almost there... 355 00:16:24,236 --> 00:16:26,192 an identical twin. 356 00:16:26,208 --> 00:16:27,763 Yes! 357 00:16:27,977 --> 00:16:29,933 A twin isn't the same person. 358 00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:32,251 Of course it is. What do you think identical means? 359 00:16:32,267 --> 00:16:35,322 "Ident"-- same, "ical"-- person. Same person. 360 00:16:35,738 --> 00:16:38,093 Hey, we could double date. 361 00:16:39,315 --> 00:16:40,653 Fine. 362 00:16:40,668 --> 00:16:43,810 But you have to promise me, you're not going to steal my new twin, 363 00:16:43,826 --> 00:16:48,190 and leave me with your old, used-up twin. 364 00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:49,902 Used-up? 365 00:16:49,915 --> 00:16:52,700 They're a human being, Marshall. 366 00:16:54,266 --> 00:16:56,600 So Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney went out 367 00:16:56,618 --> 00:16:58,971 on a double date with the twins. 368 00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:01,073 How you doing? 369 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:03,870 Great. Amazing. This is so much fun. 370 00:17:03,887 --> 00:17:05,603 And I think me and the girl are really clicking. 371 00:17:05,638 --> 00:17:07,292 You are, you definitely are. 372 00:17:07,307 --> 00:17:09,451 Listen, you're going to have to leave now. 373 00:17:09,466 --> 00:17:11,293 I just talked with the twins, and get this, 374 00:17:11,307 --> 00:17:14,291 I'm going home with both of them. 375 00:17:14,306 --> 00:17:17,511 Yeah. That's happening. 376 00:17:17,858 --> 00:17:20,681 It is impossible that you're doing this to me again. 377 00:17:20,695 --> 00:17:23,141 But they're twins. 378 00:17:23,158 --> 00:17:25,412 You-- you said to me that being single 379 00:17:25,427 --> 00:17:27,122 would be like being in a candy store. 380 00:17:27,138 --> 00:17:28,992 Well, it's not, it's not like a candy store. 381 00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:32,103 It's a lawless, postapocalyptic wasteland. 382 00:17:32,115 --> 00:17:34,080 - I may be your best friend... - Actually Ted's my best friend. 383 00:17:34,118 --> 00:17:37,832 But in this world, it's every hombre for himself. 384 00:17:37,847 --> 00:17:39,873 That's what being single is. 385 00:17:39,885 --> 00:17:41,842 And after nine years in captivity, 386 00:17:41,855 --> 00:17:43,941 that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you 387 00:17:43,955 --> 00:17:46,052 about surviving in the wild. 388 00:17:46,068 --> 00:17:47,862 Now, if you'll excuse me... 389 00:17:47,876 --> 00:17:49,950 I have two unique breasts 390 00:17:49,966 --> 00:17:52,893 and two duplicates waiting for me. 391 00:17:57,127 --> 00:17:59,800 Oh, bad news-- Marshall got food poisoning. 392 00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:00,913 - What? - Oh, no. 393 00:18:00,927 --> 00:18:03,051 That's too bad. I really liked him. 394 00:18:03,065 --> 00:18:07,360 Yeah. Well, I guess we're just a threesome tonight. 395 00:18:17,745 --> 00:18:20,703 Lily, what are you doing here? 396 00:18:20,715 --> 00:18:23,980 Oh, I was just walking by. I wasn't... 397 00:18:24,018 --> 00:18:26,802 Oh, you mean New York? My program ended. 398 00:18:26,817 --> 00:18:29,662 It was just great. Just lots of fun... 399 00:18:29,677 --> 00:18:32,822 It was awful. It was the worst mistake I ever made. 400 00:18:32,836 --> 00:18:36,223 I'm so sorry, Marshall, and... hello. 401 00:18:38,507 --> 00:18:41,482 Lily, this was the worst summer of my life. 402 00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:44,211 I know. It was the worst summer of my life. 403 00:18:44,227 --> 00:18:47,243 It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through. 404 00:18:48,415 --> 00:18:51,130 Can we please get back together? 405 00:18:52,166 --> 00:18:55,391 All that crap you said to me about, 406 00:18:55,406 --> 00:18:58,812 "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, 407 00:18:58,826 --> 00:19:01,762 and we need to learn to do things on our own," 408 00:19:02,637 --> 00:19:04,851 it broke my heart. 409 00:19:06,295 --> 00:19:08,873 Three months ago, you broke my heart. 410 00:19:10,738 --> 00:19:13,821 Can we please get back together? 411 00:19:15,178 --> 00:19:17,150 Lily, you were right. 412 00:19:18,707 --> 00:19:21,093 All that crap was right. 413 00:19:22,566 --> 00:19:24,492 So, no. 414 00:19:24,938 --> 00:19:27,173 No, we can't get back together. 415 00:19:27,188 --> 00:19:28,920 We shouldn't. 416 00:19:29,118 --> 00:19:31,262 At least, not right now. 417 00:19:33,667 --> 00:19:35,303 Wow. 418 00:19:35,598 --> 00:19:37,282 Okay. 419 00:19:38,566 --> 00:19:40,303 Yeah. 420 00:19:41,957 --> 00:19:43,413 Well... 421 00:19:45,406 --> 00:19:48,003 Will we still see each other? 422 00:19:48,477 --> 00:19:50,570 Yeah, yeah. 423 00:19:50,588 --> 00:19:52,273 I think so. 424 00:19:53,798 --> 00:19:55,523 I don't know. 425 00:19:56,728 --> 00:19:59,003 This is all really new to me. 426 00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:03,222 I just got out of a long relationship. 427 00:20:07,488 --> 00:20:09,133 I like your hair. 428 00:20:09,385 --> 00:20:11,191 Thanks. 429 00:20:11,368 --> 00:20:15,133 I figured new city, a different color... 430 00:20:15,146 --> 00:20:17,073 # ...Wide open road # 431 00:20:17,118 --> 00:20:20,450 # It was love to us # 432 00:20:20,468 --> 00:20:23,551 # It was all that we had... # 433 00:20:24,207 --> 00:20:27,700 And the pizza there, worst pizza ever. 434 00:20:27,718 --> 00:20:31,011 I'm so glad to be back in New York. 435 00:20:32,545 --> 00:20:36,150 Listen, if there's anything I can do to even begin 436 00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:38,730 to make things up to you... 437 00:20:41,315 --> 00:20:43,841 Actually there may be something that you can do for me, 438 00:20:43,857 --> 00:20:47,342 but you can never ever ask me why. 439 00:20:47,356 --> 00:20:50,562 So then I was promoted to assistant ménage-er... 440 00:20:50,578 --> 00:20:53,632 Manager-- why do I keep doing that? 441 00:20:55,136 --> 00:20:58,712 - Lily? - You gave me chlamydia, you jerk. 442 00:21:03,208 --> 00:21:06,481 So where was I? Ah, yes, assistant ménage-er... 443 00:21:06,497 --> 00:21:09,543 I did it again. I can't believe it. 444 00:21:10,428 --> 00:21:15,620 You gave my twin sister chlamydia. You slime! 445 00:21:17,745 --> 00:21:20,220 Wha... wait, I know magic. 446 00:21:23,756 --> 00:21:26,210 Well played, Eriksen. 447 00:21:26,227 --> 00:21:28,741 Well played.