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00:00:01,714 --> 00:00:04,423
NARRATOR: Kids, I bought the
house we live in now way back
2
00:00:04,523 --> 00:00:05,390
before I ever met your mother.
3
00:00:05,391 --> 00:00:08,226
It needed a lot of work
but I had a vision for it.
4
00:00:08,227 --> 00:00:09,894
Vintage rolltop desk here.
5
00:00:09,895 --> 00:00:11,479
I haven't decided
whether to put the fern
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00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:12,881
on the right or the left side,
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00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:14,983
but you know, sometimes
you just gotta wing it. Right?
8
00:00:15,884 --> 00:00:17,051
Left side.
9
00:00:17,052 --> 00:00:18,218
Oh, and right outside,
10
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,471
I want to put up a
basketball hoop for the kids.
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00:00:20,472 --> 00:00:21,889
Huh?
BARNEY: Ted.
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00:00:21,890 --> 00:00:24,058
This is your seduction lounge.
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00:00:24,059 --> 00:00:25,893
Sex swing there,
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00:00:25,894 --> 00:00:27,795
vibrating Jell-O pit
right there,
15
00:00:27,796 --> 00:00:30,164
rotating Vietnamese Shame Wheel
right here.
16
00:00:30,799 --> 00:00:32,266
Don't ask; you're not ready.
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00:00:32,267 --> 00:00:35,002
And that basketball hoop?
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00:00:35,003 --> 00:00:37,571
Outdoor stripper pole.
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00:00:37,572 --> 00:00:39,807
We'll just tell the ladies
to be careful in the winter.
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00:00:39,808 --> 00:00:42,943
You think a tongue stuck
to a frozen pole is bad...
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00:00:43,390 --> 00:00:47,527
Hey. Barney, let's go
outside for a second.
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00:00:47,528 --> 00:00:49,278
We have a confession.
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00:00:49,279 --> 00:00:52,131
This wasn't really about
seeing Ted's house.
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00:00:52,132 --> 00:00:54,133
It's an intervention.
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00:00:54,134 --> 00:00:55,401
Oh, thank God.
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00:00:55,402 --> 00:00:56,769
I'll go first.
27
00:00:56,770 --> 00:00:58,738
Ted, this house you bought
for your hypothetical family
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00:00:58,739 --> 00:00:59,972
is super weird.
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00:00:59,973 --> 00:01:01,974
We talk about it all the time
behind your back.
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Yeah. This intervention
isn't for me.
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00:01:03,761 --> 00:01:04,711
It's for you.
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00:01:04,757 --> 00:01:06,358
NARRATOR:
Why did Barney need
an intervention?
33
00:01:06,427 --> 00:01:08,461
It all started
a few nights earlier.
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00:01:08,462 --> 00:01:09,796
Barney, I can't believe
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00:01:09,797 --> 00:01:11,915
your giant TV is broken.
It's March Madness.
36
00:01:11,916 --> 00:01:14,000
Okay, uh, I think I see
what the problem is.
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00:01:14,001 --> 00:01:15,502
Barney, can you grab me
a screwdriver?
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00:01:15,503 --> 00:01:16,770
Sure thing.
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00:01:16,771 --> 00:01:18,672
Luis. Barney Stinson, 12 H.
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00:01:18,673 --> 00:01:20,907
I got a hundred bucks if you can
be here in five. Thanks.
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00:01:20,908 --> 00:01:23,343
You call the super
for a screwdriver?
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00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,579
Yeah... here's the thing
about me and tools--
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00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:28,348
the only one I know how to use
is attached to me,
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00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:30,951
and I am not going to try
putting it in the TV.
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00:01:30,952 --> 00:01:32,319
Again.
46
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:34,271
Okay, that's ridiculous.
47
00:01:34,272 --> 00:01:36,222
Everyone should know
how to use tools.
48
00:01:36,223 --> 00:01:37,440
(knocking on door)
49
00:01:37,441 --> 00:01:40,527
Well, here's our
screwdriver now.
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00:01:45,066 --> 00:01:47,834
(loud whisper): Guys, I'm
pretty sure that's not Luis,
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00:01:47,835 --> 00:01:49,169
but I can't be certain.
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00:01:49,170 --> 00:01:50,503
Someone introduce yourself.
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00:01:51,706 --> 00:01:54,574
Barney, I...
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00:01:54,575 --> 00:01:57,143
I got your letter.
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00:02:00,181 --> 00:02:02,349
Dad?
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00:02:02,374 --> 00:02:05,874
♪ How I Met Your Mother 6x19 ♪
Legendaddy
Original Air Date on March 21, 2011
57
00:02:05,899 --> 00:02:09,399
-- sync, corrected by elderman --
58
00:02:17,646 --> 00:02:19,559
I can't believe Barney is
talking to his dad right now.
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00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:20,665
Yeah, what do you say
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00:02:20,712 --> 00:02:22,862
after three decades
of not seeing each other?
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00:02:23,227 --> 00:02:25,078
"So, how 'bout those
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00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:27,013
last 30 Super Bowls"?
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00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,147
TED:
Okay, now I feel bad
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00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,183
about making fun of him
for the tool thing.
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00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:32,518
My dad was the one
who taught me all that stuff.
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00:02:32,519 --> 00:02:35,288
Well, to be fair, everyone has
some glaring gap in knowledge,
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00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,390
something really obvious
you somehow never learned.
68
00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:39,192
Okay, but a screwdriver?
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00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,127
Come on, I don't have any gaps
that fundamental.
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00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:44,264
Really? I seem to recall...
71
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,149
Daniel Burnham was an architect
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00:02:46,150 --> 00:02:48,134
whose ever-shifting style
and aesthetic
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00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:50,803
made him a true architectural
chamma-leeon.
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00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,673
And only the most
gifted chamma-leeon
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00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,276
could've designed
classic beaux arts masterpieces
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00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:59,879
right alongside
sleek modern flatirons.
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His name might as well have been
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00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:04,867
Daniel Chamma-leeon.
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00:03:04,868 --> 00:03:06,536
Um, Professor?
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00:03:06,537 --> 00:03:09,656
Uh, do you mean
"chameleon"?
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00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:11,357
(laughs)
82
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:16,229
Betty, I'm pretty sure it's
pronounced "chamma-leeon," so...
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00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:20,717
Class dismissed.
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00:03:20,718 --> 00:03:22,535
No homework. For a while.
85
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,171
Okay, I learned that word
by reading it.
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00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:27,340
That's how I've always
pronounced it.
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00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:28,574
Oh, Ted, that wasn't easy.
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00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:30,677
It took a lot of "ch-aracter"
to admit that.
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00:03:30,678 --> 00:03:32,679
Okay, Scherbatsky.
You want to tussle?
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00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,013
I'll tussle.
You want to tussle?
91
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:35,848
Let's tussle.
Marine biologist.
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00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:37,517
Please, no.
93
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:39,218
So this really
sucks, but
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00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,654
I'm going to be in the North
Pole for the next three months.
95
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,189
Seriously?
96
00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:44,424
The North Pole?
97
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,242
Okay, pal, if you want
to break up with me,
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00:03:46,243 --> 00:03:48,861
just tell it to me straight.
Don't pretend you're going
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00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,630
someplace we all know
doesn't exist.
100
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,832
Um, I'm going to be studying
the mating habits of...
101
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:55,601
Of who? Santa's elves?
Rudolph?
102
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,470
You know what? I'm going
on a trip, too, Scott.
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00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,205
It, uh, starts in Narnia.
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00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:00,940
It works its way up
to Candyland,
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00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,176
and then, hey,
congratulate me,
106
00:04:03,177 --> 00:04:05,278
because I'm the new Defense
Against the Dark Arts teacher
107
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:08,147
at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!
108
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:10,750
Robin, the North Pole
is a real place.
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00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,285
You know that, right?
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00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:17,023
So... you want
to get pizza later? Or...
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00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,825
I think we should break up.
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00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,793
I still think about him
in the shower.
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00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:24,697
Hey. Tell us everything.
How'd it go, bud?
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00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,966
(sighs)
Where do I begin?
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00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,536
So, I'm not sure how to start this.
Yeah.
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00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:33,006
I think I need a drink.
117
00:04:33,007 --> 00:04:34,273
Me, too.
118
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,541
BOTH:
Glen McKenna, neat.
119
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,177
Nice order. Up top.
120
00:04:41,215 --> 00:04:44,417
Look, it's been 30 years.
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00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,652
And now you just
show up out of nowhere?
122
00:04:46,653 --> 00:04:49,722
This is... this is going
to take me a minute.
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00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,924
Yeah. I understand.
124
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,295
By the way, hell of a tie.
Is that Italian silk?
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00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,698
I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad
we're best friends now.
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00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:01,367
(Barney sobbing)
127
00:05:01,368 --> 00:05:02,819
Make a muscle.
There you go.
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00:05:02,820 --> 00:05:03,936
Ah!
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00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:06,139
Guys, my dad's awesome.
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00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,874
He's the mother of all fathers.
131
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,142
Check this out.
132
00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:11,077
Hey, back when I was a kid,
you used to be a roadie.
133
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:14,147
Do you still do that?
Not anymore.
134
00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:17,450
Back in '83 I'm lugging amps for
The Stones through West Germany,
135
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,619
and their tour manager
loses his arms,
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00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,788
bus-surfing through a tunnel.
137
00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:22,922
Gnarly.
138
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,124
Long story short,
139
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:28,061
I've been managing tours
ever since,
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00:05:28,062 --> 00:05:31,731
and that dude high-fives people
with his face now.
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00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:34,717
(laughing)
You're funny.
142
00:05:34,718 --> 00:05:36,402
My dad's funny.
143
00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:38,971
So, all these years,
there's this one question
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00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,690
I've been dying to ask him.
145
00:05:40,691 --> 00:05:43,209
Why did you abandon me?
Why'd you wait so long to contact me?
146
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,912
You've hurt me before,
why should I trust you now?
147
00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:48,347
Do you...
148
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,049
get laid a lot?
149
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,118
Big-time.
150
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,389
Observe.
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00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:19,228
Oh, my God,
that took you five seconds.
152
00:06:19,229 --> 00:06:20,730
Oh, was it that long?
153
00:06:20,731 --> 00:06:23,483
Life's too short
for chatty chicks.
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00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:24,683
(laughing)
155
00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:26,786
You're a master.
156
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,589
You are legen-- wait for it--
157
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,124
...daddy!
158
00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:32,592
Legendaddy!
159
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,060
The man is a god.
160
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:37,430
And he's still out there,
living the dream.
161
00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:39,298
So I'm going to Sydney tomorrow
with Bon Jovi.
162
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:41,467
I'll be on the road
the rest of the year.
163
00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:43,336
Oh, that's cool.
164
00:06:43,337 --> 00:06:47,607
Say, you want to join me
for the tour's Asian leg?
165
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:50,476
This is going to be
the second-most fun
166
00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:52,011
I've ever had on an Asian leg.
167
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,880
(both laughing)
168
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:56,149
Barney, we-we know
you're psyched,
169
00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:58,117
but just...
be careful.
170
00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,285
What do you mean?
171
00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:01,354
Well, this guy has flaked
out on your whole life.
172
00:07:01,355 --> 00:07:02,722
It sounds like
he just might be
173
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,056
telling you what
you want to hear.
174
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,492
Barney, we just don't
want to see you get hurt.
175
00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:10,997
First of all, Robin,
my dad could beat up your dad.
176
00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,165
Second,
177
00:07:12,166 --> 00:07:13,666
you don't have to worry.
178
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,968
He's cool.
Now if you'll excuse me...
179
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,788
I have to go renew my passport,
180
00:07:18,789 --> 00:07:21,307
and get a travel-sized rotating
Vietnamese Shame Wheel.
181
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,243
Don't ask; you're not ready.
182
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:27,146
I hope Barney's dad
isn't just
183
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,382
pretending to be something
he's not, you know?
184
00:07:29,383 --> 00:07:33,452
Yeah. That would make Jerry
a real chamma-leeon.
185
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,154
(laughter)
186
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:36,656
You have gaps, too, Lily.
187
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,491
You got nothing on me.
188
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,810
Hey, Lily, can you
toss me a beer?
189
00:07:40,811 --> 00:07:42,595
Sure, honey.
190
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:47,433
You have terrible aim.
191
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,001
That's not true.
192
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,803
Lily, at our apartment,
193
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:54,207
you're the one who
pees on the floor.
194
00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:56,509
Oh, my God. Barney's dad.
195
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:59,212
Hey, uh, you're
Barney's friends, right?
196
00:07:59,213 --> 00:08:01,464
Yeah, but... aren't you
supposed to be off
197
00:08:01,465 --> 00:08:03,683
managing some tour
in Australia?
198
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,151
What?
199
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,753
No, I-I'm a driving instructor
up in White Plains.
200
00:08:08,855 --> 00:08:11,524
And I need your help--
Barney won't return my calls.
201
00:08:16,574 --> 00:08:18,508
What do you mean, Barney
won't return your calls?
202
00:08:18,518 --> 00:08:21,052
He said you two had
an amazing night together.
203
00:08:21,076 --> 00:08:22,944
That's not what happened.
204
00:08:22,945 --> 00:08:24,779
I'm not sure how
to start this.
205
00:08:24,780 --> 00:08:26,113
Yeah.
206
00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:27,999
I think I need a drink.
207
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,083
Me, too.
208
00:08:29,084 --> 00:08:30,201
Glen McKenna, neat.
209
00:08:30,202 --> 00:08:31,886
Milk, skim.
210
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:33,888
Milk?
211
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:36,591
Oh, you're taking it easy.
Crazy night?
212
00:08:36,592 --> 00:08:37,959
I'll say.
213
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,895
Between you and me,
I had a lot of acid last night.
214
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,263
Wow.
215
00:08:42,264 --> 00:08:44,065
I think it was the chili dog.
216
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,734
I had to take four Tums.
217
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,737
I was up till, like, 9:30.
218
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,006
Hey, um...
219
00:08:52,007 --> 00:08:54,308
When I was a kid,
you used to be a roadie.
220
00:08:54,309 --> 00:08:55,610
You still do that?
221
00:08:55,611 --> 00:08:58,512
No. I switched lanes years ago.
222
00:09:01,183 --> 00:09:04,252
I should explain.
I'm a driving instructor.
223
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:06,120
Now you get it, right?
224
00:09:07,356 --> 00:09:08,956
Yeah, no, I get it.
225
00:09:08,957 --> 00:09:10,958
Um, but when I was a kid,
226
00:09:10,959 --> 00:09:13,160
you... you were
this total badass.
227
00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,062
Oh, I know.
228
00:09:15,063 --> 00:09:16,697
I was a real hard partier.
229
00:09:16,698 --> 00:09:18,766
Yeah, okay, now we're getting
to the good stuff.
230
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,302
The drugs, the alcohol,
the women...
231
00:09:21,303 --> 00:09:23,037
Yes, yes, yes.
232
00:09:23,038 --> 00:09:23,971
I was out of control.
233
00:09:23,972 --> 00:09:25,640
♪ Out of control. ♪
234
00:09:25,641 --> 00:09:28,109
So when your mom said
I couldn't see you any more,
235
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,811
it was rock bottom for me.
236
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,715
I'm so sorry.
237
00:09:35,550 --> 00:09:37,852
You ever bang Stevie Nicks?
238
00:09:38,987 --> 00:09:41,022
Barney wasn't interested
in my apology.
239
00:09:41,023 --> 00:09:42,657
He just wanted me to be cool.
240
00:09:42,658 --> 00:09:46,594
And I was so desperate
to connect with him,
241
00:09:46,595 --> 00:09:48,462
I did something
I'm not proud of.
242
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:50,097
I started bragging.
243
00:09:50,098 --> 00:09:52,600
I bet you didn't know
this about me, Barney,
244
00:09:52,601 --> 00:09:55,169
but I've published
two nonfiction books
245
00:09:55,170 --> 00:09:57,238
about asparagus.
246
00:09:57,239 --> 00:09:59,040
And one fiction.
247
00:10:00,676 --> 00:10:04,312
I'm credited with inventing
the word "furgling."
248
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,981
It means fumbling for keys.
249
00:10:08,050 --> 00:10:11,018
So then all the county fair
judges started chanting,
250
00:10:11,019 --> 00:10:14,021
"More quiche! More quiche!"
251
00:10:15,691 --> 00:10:20,528
I guess you could call me
the LeBron James of drapes.
252
00:10:21,930 --> 00:10:25,166
I could tell he just wanted me
to be this big ladies' man,
253
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:27,401
so...
254
00:10:28,904 --> 00:10:31,205
What a hottie, huh?
255
00:10:31,206 --> 00:10:33,274
I'm sure you're a real player.
256
00:10:33,275 --> 00:10:36,160
Big-time.
257
00:10:36,161 --> 00:10:38,329
Observe.
258
00:10:47,756 --> 00:10:50,491
Excuse me, that's my son
over there.
259
00:10:51,460 --> 00:10:53,561
I'm trying to reconnect
with him after 30 years.
260
00:10:53,562 --> 00:10:56,597
Would you just write down
any seven numbers here,
261
00:10:56,598 --> 00:10:58,199
so that I can impress him?
262
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,101
Please, I'm desperate.
263
00:11:04,005 --> 00:11:06,807
Oh, my God,
you're a natural.
264
00:11:06,808 --> 00:11:09,410
Think of the pickup plays
we can run as a father-son duo.
265
00:11:09,411 --> 00:11:11,078
There's the
"Father Knows Breast,"
266
00:11:11,079 --> 00:11:12,079
there's the
267
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,497
"Bush Dynasty,"
268
00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,282
the "Lick Father, Lick Son."
269
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:16,283
Oh, no, no.
270
00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:17,752
I couldn't do that.
271
00:11:17,753 --> 00:11:18,536
Why?
272
00:11:18,537 --> 00:11:19,787
I have a family now.
273
00:11:19,788 --> 00:11:21,155
That's my wife
274
00:11:21,156 --> 00:11:24,592
Cheryl, my daughter Carly--
she's in college.
275
00:11:24,593 --> 00:11:26,227
This is my son J.J.
276
00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:27,678
I was hoping you could come over
277
00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:29,096
to dinner sometime
and meet them.
278
00:11:29,097 --> 00:11:30,931
You're all wearing
matching sweaters.
279
00:11:30,932 --> 00:11:32,133
That's cute.
280
00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:36,003
Look, I got
to get going, Jerry.
281
00:11:36,004 --> 00:11:37,538
But, uh, this was great.
282
00:11:37,539 --> 00:11:38,973
Glad we did this.
283
00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:45,813
I made him wait
all these years for me and...
284
00:11:45,814 --> 00:11:48,582
I'm just not the guy
he wanted me to be.
285
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:51,652
I know I don't
deserve it, but...
286
00:11:51,653 --> 00:11:54,255
I need another chance
to connect with my son.
287
00:11:56,391 --> 00:11:58,793
We think you should
give him another chance.
288
00:11:58,794 --> 00:12:00,961
That's the real reason
we're out here.
289
00:12:00,962 --> 00:12:02,930
He lives ten minutes away.
290
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,432
What?
291
00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:06,133
You're having dinner
with him tonight.
292
00:12:06,134 --> 00:12:08,335
No, I most certainly am not.
293
00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:10,471
Look, I met him.
294
00:12:10,472 --> 00:12:12,039
He's not my kind of bro
and that's that.
295
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,207
Are you sure it's
not more than that?
296
00:12:13,208 --> 00:12:14,675
Guys, get it through your heads.
297
00:12:14,676 --> 00:12:18,145
I am never gonna
talk to my dad again.
298
00:12:18,146 --> 00:12:20,147
No, Barney.
299
00:12:20,148 --> 00:12:22,616
I'm never gonna talk
to my dad again.
300
00:12:23,552 --> 00:12:25,352
But your dad is alive
301
00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:28,055
and he lives just down the road.
302
00:12:31,827 --> 00:12:32,860
Fine, I'll go.
303
00:12:32,861 --> 00:12:33,861
Awesome.
304
00:12:33,862 --> 00:12:35,029
Um, Lily, keys.
305
00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:42,837
I'm literally
11 inches from you.
306
00:12:46,905 --> 00:12:49,939
NARRATOR:
And so Barney agreed to give
his dad one more chance.
307
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,342
Hello. You must be Barney.
308
00:12:52,343 --> 00:12:53,393
I'm Cheryl.
309
00:12:53,394 --> 00:12:55,562
It's just so nice
to finally meet you.
310
00:12:55,563 --> 00:12:57,564
I love that suit.
311
00:12:57,565 --> 00:12:58,882
Oh, thank you very much.
312
00:12:58,883 --> 00:13:01,284
And I love your...
313
00:13:03,988 --> 00:13:05,422
...coat.
314
00:13:05,423 --> 00:13:06,790
I love your coat.
315
00:13:06,791 --> 00:13:08,692
Oh, that's your coat, Barney.
316
00:13:08,693 --> 00:13:10,694
I just took it from you.
317
00:13:10,695 --> 00:13:12,462
Well, I do love it.
318
00:13:12,463 --> 00:13:15,465
It's doing a nice job
covering up that chair.
319
00:13:17,201 --> 00:13:19,469
Guess now we wait.
320
00:13:19,470 --> 00:13:21,671
Hey, I got an idea
how to pass the time.
321
00:13:21,672 --> 00:13:22,922
A little trivia game.
322
00:13:22,923 --> 00:13:26,443
Robin, reindeer: real or fake?
323
00:13:26,444 --> 00:13:27,444
(others chuckle)
324
00:13:27,445 --> 00:13:28,411
Okay, I'm not an idiot.
325
00:13:28,412 --> 00:13:32,082
Reindeer are obviously
f... re... fake?
326
00:13:32,083 --> 00:13:33,216
Yikes!
327
00:13:33,217 --> 00:13:35,151
I'm surrounded
by a bunch of dum-dums.
328
00:13:36,821 --> 00:13:39,022
Good thing I don't have any gaps
in my knowledge.
329
00:13:41,859 --> 00:13:44,561
I am perfect.
330
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:47,197
Oh, for the love of God, guys,
enough already.
331
00:13:47,198 --> 00:13:48,498
What, baby?
332
00:13:48,499 --> 00:13:49,966
You've been treating me
with kid gloves
333
00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:51,501
ever since my dad died.
334
00:13:51,502 --> 00:13:52,569
That's not true.
335
00:13:52,570 --> 00:13:53,937
Robin, don't disagree
with Marshall.
336
00:13:53,938 --> 00:13:54,938
I'm sorry.
337
00:13:54,939 --> 00:13:57,207
I first noticed it at the bar.
338
00:13:57,208 --> 00:13:58,174
Hey, Lily,
339
00:13:58,175 --> 00:13:59,776
(voice cracks):
can you get me a mojito?
340
00:13:59,777 --> 00:14:01,845
Normally, you would've
given me crap
341
00:14:01,846 --> 00:14:04,547
for an hour about a voice crack
that pubescently girl-like,
342
00:14:04,548 --> 00:14:05,648
but nothing.
343
00:14:05,649 --> 00:14:08,084
So then I started
to test you guys.
344
00:14:08,085 --> 00:14:10,954
The Phantom Menace is by far
the best Star Wars movie.
345
00:14:10,955 --> 00:14:12,122
(gags quietly)
346
00:14:13,424 --> 00:14:16,726
It ages well,
that's the thing.
347
00:14:16,727 --> 00:14:19,596
You guys like my new soul patch?
348
00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:22,465
Righteous hair
tab, brotha.
349
00:14:22,466 --> 00:14:24,067
MARSHALL:
And once I figured it out,
350
00:14:24,068 --> 00:14:27,937
I started doing crazy stuff
to see how far you'd let me go.
351
00:14:27,938 --> 00:14:29,906
Hey, guys.
352
00:14:30,341 --> 00:14:31,574
This is Rex.
353
00:14:31,575 --> 00:14:34,511
He's a possum.
354
00:14:34,512 --> 00:14:36,846
I found him in the trash.
355
00:14:36,847 --> 00:14:38,414
He lives with us now.
356
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:41,417
I love him.
(hissing)
357
00:14:41,418 --> 00:14:45,321
Lily, we are living
with a possum.
358
00:14:45,322 --> 00:14:48,057
Rex is violent and he hates us.
359
00:14:48,058 --> 00:14:50,527
But, baby,
you just lost your dad.
360
00:14:50,528 --> 00:14:51,828
None of us wants to upset you.
361
00:14:51,829 --> 00:14:52,829
Please.
362
00:14:52,830 --> 00:14:53,930
If you guys really want me
363
00:14:53,931 --> 00:14:55,698
to get over the worst tragedy
of my life,
364
00:14:55,699 --> 00:14:57,934
I'm begging you,
tear me a new one.
365
00:14:57,935 --> 00:15:00,837
But not like Rex tried to
in my sleep last night.
366
00:15:02,223 --> 00:15:04,307
J.J., dinner.
367
00:15:04,308 --> 00:15:06,276
When I got your letter,
I dug this up.
368
00:15:06,277 --> 00:15:08,378
You were probably
too young to remember,
369
00:15:08,379 --> 00:15:12,482
but this is you, this is me,
and, of course, ZZ Top.
370
00:15:12,483 --> 00:15:14,784
I do remember that.
371
00:15:14,785 --> 00:15:16,753
I climbed up on that
dude's lap and told him
372
00:15:16,754 --> 00:15:18,188
what I wanted for Christmas.
373
00:15:18,189 --> 00:15:19,756
(chuckles)
374
00:15:19,757 --> 00:15:22,492
Yeah, I used to love
taking you backstage.
375
00:15:22,493 --> 00:15:25,094
You were the coolest
little kid.
376
00:15:26,997 --> 00:15:29,332
Hi, Barney.
It's great to finally meet you.
377
00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:32,268
J.J., I'm talking
to Dad right now. God.
378
00:15:33,470 --> 00:15:34,537
Seriously,
379
00:15:34,538 --> 00:15:35,588
it's time.
380
00:15:35,589 --> 00:15:37,006
What are my gaps?
381
00:15:37,942 --> 00:15:41,544
Well, I guess maybe
one gap you have is...
382
00:15:41,545 --> 00:15:43,112
you can't wink.
383
00:15:43,113 --> 00:15:46,282
Don't you think that
maybe we should go home
384
00:15:46,283 --> 00:15:49,519
and, uh, "do the laundry"?
385
00:15:53,057 --> 00:15:55,358
LILY:
You can't swallow pills.
386
00:15:55,359 --> 00:15:57,059
(gagging)
387
00:15:57,761 --> 00:16:00,697
ROBIN:
Ooh, ooh, I got one.
388
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:04,167
You think John Kennedy and Jack
Kennedy are the same person.
389
00:16:04,168 --> 00:16:05,301
(laughs)
390
00:16:05,302 --> 00:16:06,636
Right?
391
00:16:07,404 --> 00:16:09,172
What?
392
00:16:09,173 --> 00:16:10,440
So, Barney, I understand
393
00:16:10,441 --> 00:16:12,375
you have a pretty big job
with a bank.
394
00:16:12,376 --> 00:16:13,309
Yeah, I do.
395
00:16:13,310 --> 00:16:15,345
I make a ton of money.
396
00:16:15,346 --> 00:16:17,213
How much do you make, J.J.?
397
00:16:17,214 --> 00:16:19,515
I'm 11.
398
00:16:19,516 --> 00:16:23,152
Oh, well, huh, now we all know
you make excuses.
399
00:16:23,153 --> 00:16:25,188
I was talking about money.
400
00:16:25,189 --> 00:16:26,890
Actually, J.J.
has a job.
401
00:16:26,891 --> 00:16:27,891
Tell him, J.J.
402
00:16:27,892 --> 00:16:29,259
I got a paper route.
403
00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:30,193
(scoffs)
404
00:16:30,194 --> 00:16:32,295
Good time to get into
print media.
405
00:16:32,296 --> 00:16:33,363
Am I right, Dad?
406
00:16:33,364 --> 00:16:34,530
Good slam, Barney.
(laughs)
407
00:16:34,531 --> 00:16:35,665
Jerry.
408
00:16:35,666 --> 00:16:37,166
It's all good fun.
409
00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:39,903
Just ribbing among
long lost brothers.
410
00:16:39,904 --> 00:16:42,739
J.J.'s a heck of
a basketball player.
411
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:45,909
Uh, you don't strike me
as the athletic type, Jayj.
412
00:16:45,910 --> 00:16:48,878
Dad, check it.
413
00:16:54,501 --> 00:16:57,353
Triceps.
414
00:16:57,354 --> 00:16:59,188
What gym do you go to?
415
00:16:59,189 --> 00:17:00,790
Fourth period?
416
00:17:00,791 --> 00:17:03,026
Sounds like you're having
your fourth period.
417
00:17:03,027 --> 00:17:04,027
Am I right, Dad?!
418
00:17:04,028 --> 00:17:05,011
Got him again.
419
00:17:05,012 --> 00:17:06,029
CHERYL:
Jerry!
420
00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:07,146
Oh, okay, Barney.
421
00:17:07,147 --> 00:17:08,564
Uh, maybe that's enough.
422
00:17:08,565 --> 00:17:09,849
Why? J.J. started it.
423
00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:11,701
What does J.J.
even stand for anyway?
424
00:17:11,702 --> 00:17:15,038
J-Jerky... Jerkface?
425
00:17:15,806 --> 00:17:17,640
J.J. stands for Jerome Jr.
426
00:17:17,641 --> 00:17:20,276
Jerome Jr...?
427
00:17:22,046 --> 00:17:25,048
Oh.
428
00:17:25,049 --> 00:17:27,951
He's-He's named after you.
429
00:17:28,786 --> 00:17:30,870
Excuse me.
430
00:17:34,558 --> 00:17:36,926
I like having
a brother.
431
00:17:38,228 --> 00:17:40,096
You always add too
much water to oatmeal.
432
00:17:40,097 --> 00:17:41,497
Yes, I drown the son of a bitch.
433
00:17:41,498 --> 00:17:43,800
You consistently miss
at least one belt loop.
434
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,168
It's like I'm blind.
435
00:17:45,169 --> 00:17:47,303
You're too old to ask
to see the cockpit.
436
00:17:47,304 --> 00:17:49,472
Whoa. Whoa.
437
00:17:49,473 --> 00:17:51,574
Guys, my dad
just died.
438
00:17:51,575 --> 00:17:53,343
(groans)
LILY: Aw, honey.
439
00:17:53,344 --> 00:17:54,644
No, I'm just kidding.
440
00:17:54,645 --> 00:17:55,745
This is great.
441
00:17:55,746 --> 00:17:57,480
I really, I really missed this.
442
00:18:00,351 --> 00:18:01,384
(grunts)
443
00:18:01,385 --> 00:18:02,652
Barney, what
is going on?
444
00:18:02,653 --> 00:18:03,619
This is mine.
445
00:18:03,620 --> 00:18:04,754
I don't understand.
446
00:18:04,755 --> 00:18:07,023
J.J. gets a childhood, a dad,
447
00:18:07,024 --> 00:18:09,425
a real family
and a basketball hoop?
448
00:18:09,426 --> 00:18:11,127
No, no. I at least get the hoop.
449
00:18:11,128 --> 00:18:12,228
I'm taking it with me.
450
00:18:12,229 --> 00:18:13,763
Please, just come down
and talk to me.
451
00:18:13,764 --> 00:18:14,864
Why? Why should I?
452
00:18:14,865 --> 00:18:16,065
You're lame, okay?
453
00:18:16,066 --> 00:18:19,102
You're just some lame
suburban dad.
454
00:18:19,103 --> 00:18:20,436
Why does that make you so mad?
455
00:18:20,437 --> 00:18:22,739
Because if you were gonna be
some lame suburban dad,
456
00:18:22,740 --> 00:18:25,108
why couldn't you have
been that for me?!
457
00:18:25,943 --> 00:18:29,979
Look, Barney,
I know I screwed up...
458
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:32,749
Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even
begin to describe...
459
00:18:32,750 --> 00:18:34,984
I know, I know, I know!
460
00:18:35,619 --> 00:18:36,619
I want to fix this,
461
00:18:36,620 --> 00:18:37,620
and I don't know how!
462
00:18:37,621 --> 00:18:38,855
Please, tell me what I can do!
463
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:40,056
I'll do anything!
464
00:18:56,406 --> 00:18:58,541
You're never gonna
get it down like that.
465
00:19:09,153 --> 00:19:10,186
Barney. Barney!
466
00:19:10,187 --> 00:19:14,457
Just put the pointy end
into the grooves.
467
00:19:17,061 --> 00:19:18,928
That's it. Now turn it.
468
00:19:18,929 --> 00:19:20,630
Righty tighty,
469
00:19:20,631 --> 00:19:21,864
lefty loosey.
470
00:19:27,471 --> 00:19:29,872
I have no good excuse, Barney.
471
00:19:29,873 --> 00:19:31,474
It took me years
472
00:19:31,475 --> 00:19:34,010
before I was even able
to look myself in the mirror
473
00:19:34,011 --> 00:19:35,795
for the way I let you down.
474
00:19:37,047 --> 00:19:39,549
It took courage
to send me that letter.
475
00:19:40,751 --> 00:19:43,352
More courage than I've ever had.
476
00:19:43,353 --> 00:19:45,054
I owe you a lifetime
477
00:19:45,055 --> 00:19:47,657
of apologies, and I...
478
00:19:47,658 --> 00:19:51,561
I just have no idea
where to begin.
479
00:19:57,568 --> 00:19:59,268
Can you help me with this?
480
00:20:00,938 --> 00:20:03,773
(grunts)
481
00:20:03,774 --> 00:20:05,975
Here, got it.
482
00:20:10,614 --> 00:20:13,116
Look, if you...
483
00:20:13,117 --> 00:20:16,252
ever feel like you're ready,
484
00:20:16,253 --> 00:20:19,522
I'd love nothing more than
to be a part of your life.
485
00:20:25,129 --> 00:20:26,596
Bye.
486
00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:38,641
Are you sure you don't
want to talk about it?
487
00:20:38,642 --> 00:20:40,042
I'm fine.
488
00:20:41,862 --> 00:20:43,279
Hey, Ted.
489
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:44,280
Yeah, buddy?
490
00:20:44,281 --> 00:20:45,548
You, uh, still want
491
00:20:45,549 --> 00:20:47,016
a basketball hoop out there?
492
00:20:47,017 --> 00:20:50,920
Oh, well, I also really liked
your outdoor stripper pole idea.
493
00:20:50,921 --> 00:20:52,955
Yeah, it's fine.
494
00:20:52,956 --> 00:20:54,891
No, you were right.
495
00:20:58,128 --> 00:21:00,062
A kid needs a hoop.
496
00:21:00,063 --> 00:21:04,899
-- sync, corrected by elderman --