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00:00:00,516 --> 00:00:03,470
By the fall of 2011,
technology had taken
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00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:06,639
a lot of the intrigue
out of life.
3
00:00:07,705 --> 00:00:11,023
The Internet had everyone's
wall of information.
4
00:00:12,391 --> 00:00:15,610
Nothing was a mystery anymore.
5
00:00:18,063 --> 00:00:20,007
But, kids, there was
a time before that,
6
00:00:20,008 --> 00:00:22,475
way back in the dark ages.
7
00:00:22,477 --> 00:00:23,876
Are you people insane?!
8
00:00:23,878 --> 00:00:26,363
The most popular food in America
is the cheeseburger!
9
00:00:26,365 --> 00:00:27,847
No way! It's pizza!
10
00:00:27,849 --> 00:00:31,067
Are we forgetting about
a certain Mr. Furter,
11
00:00:31,069 --> 00:00:32,652
first name Frank?
12
00:00:32,654 --> 00:00:35,054
Um, what did every kid
bring in their lunchbox
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00:00:35,056 --> 00:00:37,223
every day till
grade eight?
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00:00:37,225 --> 00:00:38,891
Pancakes with
maple syrup.
15
00:00:39,694 --> 00:00:41,161
Thanks, Canada.
16
00:00:41,163 --> 00:00:43,913
We're looking for a food
the average American eats.
17
00:00:43,915 --> 00:00:45,398
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh!
18
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:46,700
Chinese food.
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00:00:46,702 --> 00:00:49,169
And then came the smartphone.
20
00:00:51,071 --> 00:00:52,339
Hey, remember
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00:00:52,341 --> 00:00:55,759
when we were arguing about
the most popular food?
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00:00:56,794 --> 00:00:58,044
It's bread.
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00:00:58,046 --> 00:00:59,796
Hm.
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00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:02,182
And the barroom debate
was dead.
25
00:01:02,184 --> 00:01:04,250
You guys are idiots!
26
00:01:04,252 --> 00:01:07,053
Okay, not completely dead.
You are seriously telling me
27
00:01:07,055 --> 00:01:08,555
you don't want
to open that envelope
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00:01:08,557 --> 00:01:10,757
and find out if you're
having a boy or a girl?
29
00:01:10,759 --> 00:01:14,444
Nope. Dr. Sonya only gave us
this in case we wanted to know.
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00:01:14,446 --> 00:01:16,146
But we don't.
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00:01:16,148 --> 00:01:18,815
Lilypad and I are just gonna
wait till that baby pops out
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00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:20,200
and enjoy the big surprise.
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00:01:20,202 --> 00:01:22,902
Look, I have pretended
to be a licensed therapist
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00:01:22,904 --> 00:01:25,071
enough times to know
there is something unhealthy
35
00:01:25,073 --> 00:01:26,906
about your not wanting
to find out.
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00:01:26,908 --> 00:01:29,159
- Back me up here, Kev.
- No, no, no, no, no.
37
00:01:29,161 --> 00:01:32,495
This real therapist
won't risk upsetting
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00:01:32,497 --> 00:01:36,216
his wonderful new girlfriend by
analyzing her wonderful friends.
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00:01:37,218 --> 00:01:40,053
No matter how mentally
unbalanced they may be.
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00:01:40,055 --> 00:01:41,171
I hear you.
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00:01:41,173 --> 00:01:42,789
I don't think you do.
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00:01:42,791 --> 00:01:45,725
We just don't want to
burden our little angel
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00:01:45,727 --> 00:01:49,062
with all kinds of
gender-specific expectations.
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00:01:49,064 --> 00:01:51,765
Boys can do ballet;
girls can play football.
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00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:53,575
Hell, the Green Bay
Packers have been
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00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:54,800
proving that for years.
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00:01:57,688 --> 00:02:00,490
That would've gotten
a big laugh at a sports bar.
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00:02:00,492 --> 00:02:02,492
Well, I say define
gender roles early.
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00:02:02,494 --> 00:02:04,744
All the other girls
got a pretty dress
50
00:02:04,746 --> 00:02:07,364
and a cake when
they turned 14.
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00:02:07,366 --> 00:02:08,665
Me...
52
00:02:08,667 --> 00:02:10,917
I want to go home, Daddy!
53
00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:14,754
That direction is
nothing but wolves.
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00:02:16,006 --> 00:02:20,510
And 40 kilometers that way
is the mining town of Smithers.
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00:02:20,512 --> 00:02:23,329
I'd take my chances
with the wolves.
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00:02:25,599 --> 00:02:28,551
I'll see you in three days.
57
00:02:28,553 --> 00:02:31,304
Well, wait, wh-what
am I supposed to eat?
58
00:02:31,306 --> 00:02:34,357
Hey, you've got a knife,
the forest is full of animals--
59
00:02:34,359 --> 00:02:36,142
what do you want, a buffet?
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00:02:36,144 --> 00:02:38,061
Papa...!
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00:02:38,063 --> 00:02:41,231
Happy birthday, son...!
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00:02:42,650 --> 00:02:45,068
Got any thoughts
on that, Doc?
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00:02:45,070 --> 00:02:47,937
If you guys think I'm going near
that, you're crazy.
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00:02:47,939 --> 00:02:49,906
Why'd you
emphasize "you're"?
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00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:52,183
No reason.
You're pretty.
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00:02:52,193 --> 00:02:56,193
♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x06 ♪
Mystery vs. History
Original Air Date on October 17, 2011
67
00:02:56,194 --> 00:03:00,194
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
68
00:03:05,005 --> 00:03:07,071
By the way, do you guys want
to come over tomorrow night
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00:03:07,096 --> 00:03:08,296
for sangria and tapas?
70
00:03:08,477 --> 00:03:10,310
Si. Muchas gracias.
That sounds awesome.
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00:03:10,312 --> 00:03:11,928
Great. We're also
gonna paint the nursery.
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00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:14,814
Oh, and a quick update
on the sangria and tapas--
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00:03:14,816 --> 00:03:16,483
that's cancelled.
Mmm...
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00:03:16,485 --> 00:03:17,517
Guess what smooth
son of a bitch
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00:03:17,519 --> 00:03:20,219
just picked up
a girl at the bar?
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00:03:20,221 --> 00:03:22,155
Barney, you're cheating
on Nora already?
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00:03:22,157 --> 00:03:23,590
No, guys, it's me.
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00:03:23,592 --> 00:03:25,391
Janet McIntyre.
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00:03:25,393 --> 00:03:26,576
Struck up a conversation
at the bar
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00:03:26,578 --> 00:03:28,661
while ordering, she guessed
bread right away,
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00:03:28,663 --> 00:03:31,055
we laughed, it was
a thing, boom, going
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00:03:31,056 --> 00:03:32,229
out tomorrow night.
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00:03:32,234 --> 00:03:35,668
- So, she said yes just like that?
- Just like that.
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00:03:35,670 --> 00:03:36,858
There's
something wrong with her.
85
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,083
No, no, no, no.
86
00:03:38,323 --> 00:03:39,405
Stop it. They
always do this.
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00:03:39,407 --> 00:03:41,624
Every time I go
on a first date,
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00:03:41,626 --> 00:03:43,960
they snap right into
research mode.
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00:03:43,962 --> 00:03:45,428
It started by accident.
90
00:03:45,430 --> 00:03:47,881
Ooh.
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00:03:48,732 --> 00:03:50,099
Hello?
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00:03:50,101 --> 00:03:52,302
Ted, we did a little
Internet research
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00:03:52,304 --> 00:03:53,603
on your Mia Plumley.
94
00:03:53,605 --> 00:03:54,821
We just sent you
95
00:03:54,823 --> 00:03:56,222
a picture of her
from six months ago.
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00:03:56,224 --> 00:03:58,208
I don't understand--
is Mia standing behind
97
00:03:58,210 --> 00:04:01,611
this morbidly obese wo...
Oh, my God!
98
00:04:01,613 --> 00:04:04,096
They had cookies and cream.
99
00:04:04,098 --> 00:04:06,282
And what you were saying
about how women feel
100
00:04:06,284 --> 00:04:08,768
they have to starve themselves
makes so much sense.
101
00:04:09,286 --> 00:04:12,121
Ooh, hot dogs. Score!
102
00:04:12,123 --> 00:04:14,324
After that, background checks
103
00:04:14,326 --> 00:04:17,243
became standard
operating procedure.
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00:04:17,245 --> 00:04:19,329
The date with Nadine went great.
105
00:04:19,331 --> 00:04:21,214
Unless you guys found something.
106
00:04:21,216 --> 00:04:22,799
Are you sitting down?
107
00:04:22,801 --> 00:04:24,784
No.
108
00:04:26,504 --> 00:04:30,590
She's wanted in Florida
on crystal meth charges.
109
00:04:30,592 --> 00:04:33,510
She breeds pit bulls
for dog fighting.
110
00:04:33,512 --> 00:04:35,345
- Also, the FBI...
- What's this link?
111
00:04:35,347 --> 00:04:37,397
Oh, she also writes
online movie reviews.
112
00:04:37,399 --> 00:04:40,466
Anyway, she's still married to
a death row inmate convicted...
113
00:04:40,468 --> 00:04:43,469
She gave Annie Hall
two out of ten stars?
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00:04:43,471 --> 00:04:45,772
"Slow and overrated"?
115
00:04:45,774 --> 00:04:48,324
Really? That's
your takeaway?
116
00:04:48,326 --> 00:04:50,493
It's the Wood Man at
the height of his powers.
117
00:04:50,495 --> 00:04:53,446
The way he broke the fourth wall
by talking directly to camera?
118
00:04:53,448 --> 00:04:55,331
People have been
ripping that off ever since.
119
00:04:55,333 --> 00:04:58,952
Can you believe this guy?
120
00:04:58,954 --> 00:05:00,420
Paula Vincenzo.
121
00:05:00,422 --> 00:05:01,871
She's in the bathroom.
122
00:05:01,873 --> 00:05:02,822
What's wrong with her?
123
00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:04,791
Total psycho.
Her Facebook wall
124
00:05:04,793 --> 00:05:07,994
has a link to a site about
dating inanimate objects.
125
00:05:07,996 --> 00:05:09,996
For most of last year,
she was engaged...
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00:05:09,998 --> 00:05:12,348
to a mini fridge.
And there's pictures:
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00:05:12,350 --> 00:05:14,384
her and the mini
fridge on a hike,
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00:05:14,386 --> 00:05:16,436
her and the mini fridge
in wine country,
129
00:05:16,438 --> 00:05:18,221
here's the mini fridge
meeting her parents...
130
00:05:18,223 --> 00:05:19,973
Run like the wind.
131
00:05:22,227 --> 00:05:25,562
So... want to go
back to my place?
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00:05:25,564 --> 00:05:27,614
Yeah, all right.
133
00:05:29,516 --> 00:05:31,296
Well, thanks to us,
you ran screaming from
134
00:05:31,321 --> 00:05:32,521
that freak show, right?
135
00:05:32,621 --> 00:05:34,871
- Absolutely.
- Cuckoo!
136
00:05:36,407 --> 00:05:38,074
So what's the problem?
137
00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:39,125
You need us.
138
00:05:39,127 --> 00:05:40,359
No, I don't, okay?
139
00:05:40,361 --> 00:05:41,844
I don't want a
background check.
140
00:05:41,846 --> 00:05:43,913
I want adventure
and excitement.
141
00:05:43,915 --> 00:05:45,331
Look, if it's
a choice
142
00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:47,183
between mystery
and history,
143
00:05:47,185 --> 00:05:49,218
I want mystery.
144
00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:50,620
In fact...
145
00:05:50,622 --> 00:05:52,221
Ted, I wouldn't...
146
00:05:52,223 --> 00:05:54,390
Uh, Janet.
147
00:05:54,392 --> 00:05:56,593
I have a theory.
People don't get the chance
148
00:05:56,595 --> 00:05:58,861
to just discover
each other anymore, so...
149
00:05:58,863 --> 00:05:59,896
here's my idea.
150
00:05:59,898 --> 00:06:01,314
Before we go out tomorrow,
151
00:06:01,316 --> 00:06:04,067
let's not do any prior
Internet research on each other.
152
00:06:04,069 --> 00:06:06,636
It sounds like I'm hiding something
horrible, doesn't it?
153
00:06:06,638 --> 00:06:08,104
I'm pretty sure
you're a serial killer.
154
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:09,388
I'm not. I'm not.
155
00:06:09,390 --> 00:06:11,407
It's just, you know, like,
when my parents met,
156
00:06:11,409 --> 00:06:13,392
they didn't have the Internet--
they just went out
157
00:06:13,394 --> 00:06:15,278
on a blind date
and fell in love.
158
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:17,163
That's nice.
And they're still together?
159
00:06:17,165 --> 00:06:18,247
Right up to the divorce.
160
00:06:18,249 --> 00:06:21,334
The point is, I'd love
to get to know you
161
00:06:21,336 --> 00:06:23,636
in person, not on my computer.
162
00:06:23,638 --> 00:06:25,588
I like that.
What started out
163
00:06:25,590 --> 00:06:28,007
sounding really creepy
turned out really sweet.
164
00:06:28,009 --> 00:06:31,177
That's kind of my move.
165
00:06:31,179 --> 00:06:32,629
And she was
166
00:06:32,631 --> 00:06:34,831
on board with the whole
"no Internet" thing?
167
00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:36,799
She loved it.
168
00:06:37,751 --> 00:06:38,935
The bitch is
hiding something.
169
00:06:38,937 --> 00:06:40,803
The bitch is totally
hiding something.
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00:06:44,997 --> 00:06:46,448
Hey, Ted, before you leave--
171
00:06:46,450 --> 00:06:49,267
is Janet McIntyre
M-A-C or M-C?
172
00:06:49,269 --> 00:06:51,303
For the last time,
I don't want to know
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00:06:51,305 --> 00:06:52,904
anything about her
before the date.
174
00:06:52,906 --> 00:06:55,824
You might want to see this,
Ted-- naked pictures.
175
00:06:55,826 --> 00:06:57,659
That's not Janet.
176
00:06:57,661 --> 00:06:59,444
Who, now?
177
00:06:59,446 --> 00:07:01,213
Seriously...
178
00:07:01,215 --> 00:07:04,332
if you guys respect
me as a friend...
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00:07:04,334 --> 00:07:05,884
stop looking.
180
00:07:10,189 --> 00:07:12,724
Well, Ted was pretty
clear there, so...
181
00:07:12,726 --> 00:07:13,958
let's shut those laptops
182
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,461
and go help Lily and Marshall,
just like we promised.
183
00:07:16,463 --> 00:07:17,929
Let's leave
184
00:07:17,931 --> 00:07:21,483
the laptops here
and go paint that baby room.
185
00:07:22,852 --> 00:07:24,836
Without laptops.
186
00:07:24,838 --> 00:07:26,488
Or bring the laptops.
Either way.
187
00:07:26,490 --> 00:07:28,973
This is exciting.
188
00:07:28,975 --> 00:07:30,475
I give you...
189
00:07:30,477 --> 00:07:33,328
the color our child
will grow up with.
190
00:07:33,330 --> 00:07:36,581
Yellow, like the sun.
191
00:07:36,583 --> 00:07:39,317
Or daughter.
Pun snuggle.
192
00:07:39,319 --> 00:07:43,205
Oh, God, this room's about
to get its first spit-up.
193
00:07:43,207 --> 00:07:45,340
Just open the envelope already!
194
00:07:45,342 --> 00:07:47,592
Kevin, will you please
tell Barney that it is
195
00:07:47,594 --> 00:07:50,428
perfectly normal for us to want
to preserve the mystery.
196
00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:52,931
I'm not here to analyze; I'm
here to win boyfriend points.
197
00:07:52,933 --> 00:07:55,884
By the way, you all
look great, especially Robin.
198
00:07:55,886 --> 00:07:58,019
Come on, if you don't
know the gender,
199
00:07:58,021 --> 00:08:00,555
you're gonna get generic crap
at the baby shower.
200
00:08:00,557 --> 00:08:02,440
But if you do know the gender,
201
00:08:02,442 --> 00:08:05,310
you'll get, oh,
I don't know, this!
202
00:08:05,312 --> 00:08:06,862
Marshall! Lights!
203
00:08:07,697 --> 00:08:09,698
Okay.
204
00:08:11,368 --> 00:08:14,302
When little Jack's
not turning double plays,
205
00:08:14,304 --> 00:08:16,087
he's turning heads with this
206
00:08:16,089 --> 00:08:18,139
home run of an outfit!
207
00:08:18,141 --> 00:08:20,158
And if it's a little girl...
208
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,695
This royal ensemble
may leave you speechless,
209
00:08:23,697 --> 00:08:25,330
but it's sure to make
little Sally say,
210
00:08:25,332 --> 00:08:28,550
"I wuv you, Mommy,
and I wuv my dress,
211
00:08:28,552 --> 00:08:32,204
and I would love
to see you in the shower."
212
00:08:32,206 --> 00:08:34,556
Sorry, I kind of fell out of
character in that last part.
213
00:08:34,558 --> 00:08:37,576
But if you don't
know the gender...
214
00:08:37,578 --> 00:08:41,096
Little Fran is sure to be
the pariah of the playground
215
00:08:41,098 --> 00:08:44,366
in this hermaphroditic
burlap sack.
216
00:08:44,368 --> 00:08:46,468
♪ ♪
217
00:08:46,470 --> 00:08:47,936
Marshall! Lights!
218
00:08:50,156 --> 00:08:51,573
Barney,
219
00:08:51,575 --> 00:08:54,025
you don't really care abo'.
220
00:08:54,027 --> 00:08:54,776
No. You just
221
00:08:54,778 --> 00:08:55,760
can't stand
222
00:08:55,762 --> 00:08:57,329
not knowing something.
223
00:08:57,331 --> 00:08:59,281
That's ridiculous!
224
00:08:59,999 --> 00:09:00,999
Marshall, will you...
225
00:09:01,001 --> 00:09:02,517
will you hold
these for a second?
226
00:09:02,519 --> 00:09:03,618
Yeah, sure. Why?
227
00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:05,453
Because I gots to know!
228
00:09:05,455 --> 00:09:07,505
Oh, Barney, no!
Help! Get him off of me!
229
00:09:07,507 --> 00:09:10,125
Everybody hold it!
Hold it!
230
00:09:10,127 --> 00:09:13,211
I found Janet McIntyre,
who's been widowed three times.
231
00:09:13,213 --> 00:09:15,297
She's obviously
killing her husbands!
232
00:09:15,299 --> 00:09:17,933
Oh, my God!
233
00:09:17,935 --> 00:09:19,551
They're six minutes
into the date.
234
00:09:19,553 --> 00:09:21,886
Ted's probably already told her
that he loves her!
235
00:09:21,888 --> 00:09:23,438
We've got to get down there!
236
00:09:25,425 --> 00:09:27,225
Nobody's going anywhere!
237
00:09:27,227 --> 00:09:28,259
Why?!
238
00:09:28,261 --> 00:09:29,778
Kids, at that moment,
239
00:09:29,780 --> 00:09:31,763
Kevin thought back
to his earlier rule...
240
00:09:31,765 --> 00:09:34,115
This real therapist
won't risk
241
00:09:34,117 --> 00:09:36,267
upsetting his wonderful
new girlfriend
242
00:09:36,269 --> 00:09:38,436
by analyzing her
wonderful friends.
243
00:09:38,438 --> 00:09:40,138
...and threw it out the window.
244
00:09:40,140 --> 00:09:42,374
You're all the most
codependent, incestuous,
245
00:09:42,376 --> 00:09:44,709
controlling group of
people I've ever met!
246
00:09:46,445 --> 00:09:49,497
By the way, you all look
great, especially Robin.
247
00:09:49,499 --> 00:09:51,616
Oh, mm-mm.
248
00:09:53,469 --> 00:09:56,254
This is so great.
249
00:09:56,256 --> 00:09:58,122
Right? See, if we'd
researched each other,
250
00:09:58,124 --> 00:10:00,225
we'd both be secretly
steering the conversation
251
00:10:00,227 --> 00:10:01,559
one way or the other.
252
00:10:01,561 --> 00:10:02,978
But this is
more exciting, right?
253
00:10:02,980 --> 00:10:04,095
Way more exciting.
254
00:10:04,097 --> 00:10:06,147
I mean, we can talk
about anything we want.
255
00:10:06,149 --> 00:10:08,483
Anything.
256
00:10:11,271 --> 00:10:12,970
So...
257
00:10:13,789 --> 00:10:16,191
...how was the traffic
getting here?
258
00:10:16,193 --> 00:10:18,243
You picked me up
at my apartment.
259
00:10:19,111 --> 00:10:20,695
I certainly did.
260
00:10:21,530 --> 00:10:23,198
Oh, my God,
261
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,983
I've lost the ability to talk
to girls without the Internet.
262
00:10:25,985 --> 00:10:28,420
My brain is
completely shutting down.
263
00:10:28,422 --> 00:10:30,988
So, are you folks gonna have
dinner or just drinks?
264
00:10:32,292 --> 00:10:33,991
I-I don't know.
265
00:10:34,794 --> 00:10:37,295
What the hell
was that, Kevin?
266
00:10:37,297 --> 00:10:38,513
We're all crazy just because
267
00:10:38,515 --> 00:10:40,015
I'm looking up some stuff
on the Internet,
268
00:10:40,017 --> 00:10:41,999
and Barney wants
to know the baby's gender?
269
00:10:42,001 --> 00:10:44,602
Well, to be honest,
270
00:10:44,604 --> 00:10:46,771
I noticed some
other disturbing...
271
00:10:47,723 --> 00:10:49,507
Never mind.
272
00:10:49,509 --> 00:10:50,892
It's nothing. I'm sorry.
273
00:10:50,894 --> 00:10:52,527
I gots to know!
274
00:10:52,529 --> 00:10:54,863
Okay, last night alone...
275
00:10:54,865 --> 00:10:57,282
When-When are you coming back?
276
00:10:57,284 --> 00:10:59,701
Because I miss you, silly!
277
00:11:02,288 --> 00:11:03,455
Wait, who's he talking to?
278
00:11:03,457 --> 00:11:05,623
Shh, I'll be back soon.
279
00:11:05,625 --> 00:11:07,525
Yeah, you want me
to bring you a pretzel?
280
00:11:09,946 --> 00:11:12,297
Ted's texting me
from the bathroom.
281
00:11:13,417 --> 00:11:15,500
Oh.
282
00:11:15,502 --> 00:11:16,668
I don't get it.
283
00:11:16,670 --> 00:11:18,887
- It's just a "C" with an apostrophe.
- Oh.
284
00:11:18,889 --> 00:11:19,921
Oh, yeah.
285
00:11:19,923 --> 00:11:22,340
Sometimes when one
of us is on the can,
286
00:11:22,342 --> 00:11:24,893
we'll, uh, sneak a peek
and then text each other,
287
00:11:24,895 --> 00:11:26,895
you know.
288
00:11:26,897 --> 00:11:30,548
Symbols to describe what your
bowel movement looks like?
289
00:11:32,051 --> 00:11:35,937
This morning,
I took an ampersand.
290
00:11:35,939 --> 00:11:37,555
Last summer,
I dropped a deuce
291
00:11:37,557 --> 00:11:39,824
that actually looked
like the number two!
292
00:11:42,529 --> 00:11:45,663
When you worked
late Wednesday,
293
00:11:45,665 --> 00:11:49,834
I... I got
lonely and...
294
00:11:49,836 --> 00:11:53,070
I watched Survivor
without you.
295
00:11:55,075 --> 00:11:57,175
Practically the only unhealthy
behavior I didn't see
296
00:11:57,177 --> 00:11:59,794
from you people
was physical violence.
297
00:12:06,919 --> 00:12:08,386
Yeah.
298
00:12:08,388 --> 00:12:09,804
At least we don't do that.
299
00:12:10,940 --> 00:12:12,223
And to top it off,
300
00:12:12,225 --> 00:12:14,058
all the meddling
in Ted's love life,
301
00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:15,426
not to mention Lily's pregnancy?
302
00:12:15,428 --> 00:12:18,763
It all strikes me as
just deeply dysfunctional.
303
00:12:19,732 --> 00:12:21,950
So what you're saying is,
we're fine?
304
00:12:24,988 --> 00:12:27,655
So, while this font is often
305
00:12:27,657 --> 00:12:29,624
mistaken for Helvetica,
306
00:12:29,626 --> 00:12:33,077
the fact is...
307
00:12:33,079 --> 00:12:35,880
it's Helvetica Bold.
308
00:12:36,665 --> 00:12:38,616
I can actually hear the sound
309
00:12:38,618 --> 00:12:41,352
of her vagina being boarded up.
310
00:12:42,838 --> 00:12:44,556
I got to be honest, Janet.
311
00:12:44,558 --> 00:12:47,642
First of all...
this is Times New Roman.
312
00:12:48,511 --> 00:12:49,961
Second, I'm having trouble
313
00:12:49,963 --> 00:12:51,930
coming up with things
to talk about.
314
00:12:51,932 --> 00:12:53,798
You? I'm sitting here thinking,
315
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:57,018
"Damn it, I wish I had something
as good as that font thing.
316
00:12:57,020 --> 00:12:58,486
That's gold."
317
00:12:58,488 --> 00:13:00,522
Guys, I'm so sorry
I said anything.
318
00:13:00,524 --> 00:13:04,108
Um, you basically called
my friends mentally ill.
319
00:13:04,110 --> 00:13:06,611
Yeah, you think some lame
apology will fix that?
320
00:13:06,613 --> 00:13:09,330
What if I just paint the rest
of the room by myself?
321
00:13:09,332 --> 00:13:11,749
Apology accepted.
322
00:13:11,751 --> 00:13:13,117
Okay, let's do this.
323
00:13:13,119 --> 00:13:14,752
Let-Let's find out
each other's likes and dislikes.
324
00:13:14,754 --> 00:13:15,954
Start with something
totally random.
325
00:13:15,956 --> 00:13:17,539
Like, um, oh, I don't know.
326
00:13:17,541 --> 00:13:20,324
Are you a fan of--
I don't know--
327
00:13:20,326 --> 00:13:22,343
Annie Hall?
328
00:13:22,345 --> 00:13:25,296
I'm guessing that's not random
at all, and you use that movie
329
00:13:25,298 --> 00:13:27,215
to test whether a girl is cool?
330
00:13:27,217 --> 00:13:28,933
No, it's-it's the first movie
that popped into...
331
00:13:28,935 --> 00:13:30,635
I love Annie Hall.
Oh, thank God you're cool.
332
00:13:30,637 --> 00:13:32,470
But just as things started
333
00:13:32,472 --> 00:13:34,522
to go well
with Janet McIntyre...
334
00:13:34,524 --> 00:13:36,808
Whoa. I just found
Janet McIntyre.
335
00:13:36,810 --> 00:13:39,027
The Janet McIntyre.
336
00:13:45,234 --> 00:13:49,070
Sweet... mother... of God!
337
00:13:55,211 --> 00:13:56,995
Uh, well, I got to
run to the restroom.
338
00:13:56,997 --> 00:13:59,080
No internet, Mister.
339
00:13:59,082 --> 00:14:00,865
If you find out my deep, dark
secret, I'll have to kill you.
340
00:14:00,867 --> 00:14:02,417
It's just my friends
checking up on me.
341
00:14:02,419 --> 00:14:04,419
I'll politely let them know
we're having a lovely time.
342
00:14:04,421 --> 00:14:05,870
Okay.
343
00:14:07,256 --> 00:14:09,757
Ted says, "I'm not clicking on
the link, so leave me alone."
344
00:14:09,759 --> 00:14:12,427
And then either texted me a
bunch of symbols for profanity,
345
00:14:12,429 --> 00:14:13,544
or got food poisoning
346
00:14:13,546 --> 00:14:15,546
and dropped the weirdest deuce
of all time.
347
00:14:15,548 --> 00:14:17,649
You guys have
to see this.
348
00:14:17,651 --> 00:14:19,484
No. We're with
Ted on this.
349
00:14:19,486 --> 00:14:21,385
We don't want to
find out about Janet,
350
00:14:21,387 --> 00:14:24,055
just like we don't want to
find out about the baby.
351
00:14:24,057 --> 00:14:25,406
Because we like mystery,
352
00:14:25,408 --> 00:14:27,492
whether it's the hairy
majesty of Bigfoot,
353
00:14:27,494 --> 00:14:30,528
or the bloodsucking ferocity
of the Chupacabra,
354
00:14:30,530 --> 00:14:32,363
or the gender
of our little miracle.
355
00:14:32,365 --> 00:14:33,698
Thanks for putting
those together
356
00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:35,066
in the same
sentence, sweetie.
357
00:14:35,068 --> 00:14:36,417
Mm.
358
00:14:36,419 --> 00:14:39,120
Look, if you guys don't want
to know, how about this?
359
00:14:39,122 --> 00:14:41,706
Let me look,
and I won't tell you.
360
00:14:41,708 --> 00:14:43,508
Absolutely not.
Fine.
361
00:14:44,344 --> 00:14:45,543
Baby, if it will shut him up,
362
00:14:45,545 --> 00:14:46,628
what's the harm?
363
00:14:48,580 --> 00:14:50,682
Can I...?
364
00:14:55,805 --> 00:14:57,805
This may have been a mistake.
365
00:14:57,807 --> 00:14:59,557
Boy!
366
00:14:59,559 --> 00:15:00,925
Do I like babies!
367
00:15:01,694 --> 00:15:02,477
Girl!
368
00:15:03,062 --> 00:15:04,112
...friend,
369
00:15:04,114 --> 00:15:05,930
your hair looks
fantastic!
370
00:15:06,365 --> 00:15:08,149
Twins!
371
00:15:08,151 --> 00:15:10,401
was the feel-good movie of 1988.
372
00:15:10,403 --> 00:15:13,037
Okay, Barney, hey, it doesn't
matter what you guys say.
373
00:15:13,039 --> 00:15:14,238
We're not gonna cave.
374
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,573
Yes, we are!
375
00:15:15,575 --> 00:15:17,558
Oh, just open
your eyes.
376
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,044
This gender-neutral
yellow is horrible!
377
00:15:20,046 --> 00:15:22,580
We're clearly gonna paint
over the whole thing!
378
00:15:22,582 --> 00:15:24,615
That's what you want to hear.
379
00:15:24,617 --> 00:15:26,050
I gots to know!
380
00:15:26,052 --> 00:15:27,719
Yeah.
381
00:15:27,721 --> 00:15:30,138
"It's a..."
382
00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:32,056
It's a...
383
00:15:32,058 --> 00:15:33,725
Where is the rest
of the card?
384
00:15:33,727 --> 00:15:35,476
I ripped it in half.
385
00:15:35,478 --> 00:15:37,461
I knew you'd be
desperate to see it,
386
00:15:37,463 --> 00:15:38,763
and I'll give it to you.
387
00:15:38,765 --> 00:15:41,933
All you have to do is admit
that mystery is stupid
388
00:15:41,935 --> 00:15:45,403
by reading
about Janet McIntyre.
389
00:15:45,405 --> 00:15:47,138
This is in no way
emotional extortion.
390
00:15:47,140 --> 00:15:48,523
You guys are great.
391
00:15:48,525 --> 00:15:50,658
Fine, we'll look
at your laptop.
392
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:54,445
Sweet...
393
00:15:54,447 --> 00:15:57,081
mother... of God.
394
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,335
I can't really see
the computer screen.
395
00:16:00,337 --> 00:16:02,370
It just went down
the wrong pipe.
396
00:16:04,708 --> 00:16:06,758
Whoa.
397
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,043
If Lily and Marshall want me
to click on it,
398
00:16:09,045 --> 00:16:11,846
maybe Janet really does have
a deep, dark secret.
399
00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:14,265
What's going on?
400
00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:15,433
I'm a prostitute.
401
00:16:15,435 --> 00:16:16,351
You didn't think I was
402
00:16:16,353 --> 00:16:17,468
actually into you, did you?
403
00:16:17,470 --> 00:16:18,886
Sort of.
404
00:16:20,974 --> 00:16:23,174
Get it together, Mosby.
405
00:16:25,677 --> 00:16:27,078
Oh.
406
00:16:28,481 --> 00:16:30,347
You don't buy beer,
you rent it.
407
00:16:30,349 --> 00:16:31,783
Am I right?
408
00:16:31,785 --> 00:16:33,201
This is the
men's room.
409
00:16:33,203 --> 00:16:34,786
I know.
410
00:16:34,788 --> 00:16:35,753
I'm a dude.
411
00:16:45,131 --> 00:16:48,132
Listen, there's something
you should know.
412
00:16:48,134 --> 00:16:50,385
I lied.
413
00:16:50,387 --> 00:16:52,220
I only kind of liked Annie Hall.
414
00:16:56,341 --> 00:16:59,260
I gots to know!
415
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:05,716
Sweet...
416
00:17:05,718 --> 00:17:08,436
mother... of God.
417
00:17:19,543 --> 00:17:21,694
Hey.
418
00:17:24,921 --> 00:17:26,922
Ted, are you okay?
You look freaked out.
419
00:17:26,924 --> 00:17:29,558
I'm not freaked out.
420
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,994
I was freaked out. Why?
421
00:17:31,996 --> 00:17:34,963
'Cause I had just discovered
that Janet McIntyre was...
422
00:17:34,965 --> 00:17:37,199
amazing!
423
00:17:58,371 --> 00:18:02,457
And just like that,
the wall went up.
424
00:18:02,459 --> 00:18:04,459
Okay, he looked at
Janet McIntyre's
425
00:18:04,461 --> 00:18:06,328
Internet
extravaganza.
426
00:18:06,330 --> 00:18:08,347
Here's the other half
of the card.
427
00:18:14,137 --> 00:18:16,138
Wait. Should we
do this? I...
428
00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:18,473
I don't know.
I mean, my soul says no,
429
00:18:18,475 --> 00:18:21,026
but these hideous
yellow walls scream yes.
430
00:18:21,028 --> 00:18:23,812
Should I just stop, or...?
431
00:18:23,814 --> 00:18:26,315
Sweet mother of God!
432
00:18:26,317 --> 00:18:29,701
A dog in Ottawa ran all the way
to Saskatoon!
433
00:18:30,536 --> 00:18:31,853
What?
434
00:18:31,855 --> 00:18:33,121
We figured out the Janet thing.
435
00:18:33,123 --> 00:18:34,456
I'm catching up on Canada.
436
00:18:38,161 --> 00:18:39,861
You're with me on this, right?
437
00:18:39,863 --> 00:18:42,697
Otherwise, I can go down,
and I can get the card.
438
00:18:42,699 --> 00:18:43,465
Absolutely.
439
00:18:43,467 --> 00:18:45,417
Oh, thank you.
440
00:18:47,536 --> 00:18:49,755
And so the gender
remained a secret,
441
00:18:49,757 --> 00:18:53,175
but Janet McIntyre's life
no longer was.
442
00:18:53,177 --> 00:18:55,143
There was only one problem.
443
00:18:55,145 --> 00:18:56,728
Ted, what's going on?
444
00:18:56,730 --> 00:18:59,264
Nothing.
445
00:18:59,266 --> 00:19:01,549
Did I mention
that I'm the youngest architect
446
00:19:01,551 --> 00:19:03,986
in New York history
to have a skyscraper built?
447
00:19:03,988 --> 00:19:05,720
Oh.
So, I'm not quite
448
00:19:05,722 --> 00:19:08,240
as far beneath you
as you might think.
449
00:19:08,242 --> 00:19:10,275
Why would I think that?
450
00:19:10,277 --> 00:19:12,694
No reason, but this one time
in sixth grade,
451
00:19:12,696 --> 00:19:15,664
I saw a raccoon trapped
in a gutter, and I told my dad,
452
00:19:15,666 --> 00:19:17,532
and the firemen came
and got it out,
453
00:19:17,534 --> 00:19:20,502
so it's not like I pulled a baby
from a creek or anything,
454
00:19:20,504 --> 00:19:21,753
but at least
I didn't ignore it
455
00:19:21,755 --> 00:19:24,673
and keep lighting bugs on fire
with my magnifying glass.
456
00:19:24,675 --> 00:19:26,792
We had one promise,
and you broke it.
457
00:19:26,794 --> 00:19:28,660
What are you talking about?
458
00:19:28,662 --> 00:19:30,578
You looked me up, and now
you find me intimidating.
459
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:32,848
Why-Why would I find you
intimidating, okay?
460
00:19:32,850 --> 00:19:35,083
It's not like
I donated a kidney,
461
00:19:35,085 --> 00:19:36,351
but I donated blood once,
462
00:19:36,353 --> 00:19:37,585
although I wound up fainting,
463
00:19:37,587 --> 00:19:39,721
and they had to put it
all back in.
464
00:19:39,723 --> 00:19:41,940
I was so excited about this.
465
00:19:41,942 --> 00:19:45,227
But now you're just a blubbering
idiot like the rest of them.
466
00:19:45,229 --> 00:19:46,695
No, I ain't!
467
00:19:46,697 --> 00:19:49,781
I mean, no, I never do
that thing you says.
468
00:19:50,951 --> 00:19:52,651
What I mean is,
you gooder than me
469
00:19:52,653 --> 00:19:55,704
no make difference!
470
00:19:55,706 --> 00:19:58,123
And that's that.
471
00:19:58,125 --> 00:20:00,492
I wish to God I'd never
clicked on that link.
472
00:20:00,494 --> 00:20:01,910
I'm sorry, Ted.
473
00:20:01,912 --> 00:20:03,778
We were just
trying to help.
474
00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:06,164
I said it was meddling
and manipulative,
475
00:20:06,166 --> 00:20:08,166
but Kevin insisted we butt in.
476
00:20:11,888 --> 00:20:13,255
No, it's my fault.
477
00:20:13,257 --> 00:20:14,806
I never should have looked.
478
00:20:14,808 --> 00:20:17,676
In the battle
of mystery versus history,
479
00:20:17,678 --> 00:20:19,644
it's best
not to know.
480
00:20:19,646 --> 00:20:22,314
Lily Pad?
481
00:20:22,316 --> 00:20:23,849
What?
482
00:20:23,851 --> 00:20:26,234
We're having a boy.
483
00:20:27,420 --> 00:20:29,488
We're having a boy.
484
00:20:29,490 --> 00:20:30,805
We're having a boy!
You're having a boy!
485
00:20:30,807 --> 00:20:32,858
We're having a...
we're having a boy.
486
00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:34,359
We're having a boy.
487
00:20:34,361 --> 00:20:35,694
We're having
a boy.
488
00:20:35,696 --> 00:20:38,080
I'll go buy
some blue paint.
489
00:20:48,549 --> 00:20:50,550
It needs sharpening.
490
00:20:50,552 --> 00:20:54,137
You see? I told you three days
would go by in no time.
491
00:20:54,139 --> 00:20:55,805
Phineas, take us up!
492
00:20:55,807 --> 00:20:57,223
Well, in case
you were wondering,
493
00:20:57,225 --> 00:20:59,526
it rained the entire time
I was in the Caribbean.
494
00:20:59,528 --> 00:21:03,707
Thank you for asking.
495
00:21:03,709 --> 00:21:07,709
== sync, corrected by elderman ==