1 00:00:00,541 --> 00:00:02,491 Kids, for years, your Uncle Barney 2 00:00:02,492 --> 00:00:05,034 had reveled in mocking Aunt Robin's Canadian heritage. 3 00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:07,686 To have to grow up in Canada... 4 00:00:07,687 --> 00:00:09,703 with America right there. 5 00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:12,123 It's like an entire country without a tailor. 6 00:00:12,125 --> 00:00:15,893 Why? Why do we let you be a country?! 7 00:00:15,895 --> 00:00:20,714 But all that was about to change. 8 00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:22,216 I was on Facebook. 9 00:00:22,218 --> 00:00:24,602 Nobody cool's on Facebook anymore. 10 00:00:24,604 --> 00:00:26,521 Well, you know who is on Facebook now? 11 00:00:26,523 --> 00:00:28,072 Everybody's parents. 12 00:00:28,074 --> 00:00:30,558 And I just happen to be friends 13 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:32,726 with Barney's long-lost father, 14 00:00:32,728 --> 00:00:34,228 Mr. Jerome Whitaker. - Me, too. 15 00:00:34,230 --> 00:00:35,863 He's gotten really good at Bejeweled Blitz. 16 00:00:35,865 --> 00:00:39,917 And guess who thought my status update about Manitoba was 17 00:00:39,919 --> 00:00:45,122 so interesting because his mother was born in Manitoba? 18 00:00:45,124 --> 00:00:46,457 What? 19 00:00:46,459 --> 00:00:48,742 Which means your grandmother... 20 00:00:48,744 --> 00:00:49,644 No... 21 00:00:49,646 --> 00:00:50,761 Which makes you... 22 00:00:50,763 --> 00:00:51,963 Don't say it! 23 00:00:51,965 --> 00:00:53,014 ...one-quarter Canadian! 24 00:00:55,602 --> 00:00:57,635 Welcome to the tribe, hoser! 25 00:00:57,637 --> 00:00:59,720 No... 26 00:00:59,722 --> 00:01:01,856 it's not true! 27 00:01:01,858 --> 00:01:03,774 That's impossible! 28 00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:12,668 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x08 ♪ The Slutty Pumpkin Returns Original Air Date on October 31, 2011 29 00:01:12,669 --> 00:01:16,669 == sync, corrected by elderman == 30 00:01:21,970 --> 00:01:24,329 Once upon a time at a Halloween party, 31 00:01:24,330 --> 00:01:26,730 I met a girl dressed like a pumpkin... 32 00:01:26,732 --> 00:01:27,731 a slutty pumpkin. 33 00:01:27,733 --> 00:01:29,950 And she was extraordinary. 34 00:01:29,952 --> 00:01:32,670 But she gave me her number on a Kit Kat bar, 35 00:01:32,672 --> 00:01:35,005 which was tragically given away as Halloween candy. 36 00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:36,957 So every year I return to that same party 37 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:38,509 hoping I'd see her again. 38 00:01:38,511 --> 00:01:42,696 But with every passing October, that hope grew a little dimmer. 39 00:01:42,698 --> 00:01:45,666 Then one day, after ten years of searching... 40 00:01:45,668 --> 00:01:47,751 Oh, my God. 41 00:01:47,753 --> 00:01:50,020 The slutty pumpkin. 42 00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:52,923 This might sound creepy, but do you have a record 43 00:01:52,925 --> 00:01:54,592 of who rented it in 2001? 44 00:01:57,612 --> 00:01:58,929 Wow, that was easy. 45 00:01:58,931 --> 00:02:00,814 You're not the first lovelorn young man 46 00:02:00,816 --> 00:02:01,932 to walk through that door. 47 00:02:01,934 --> 00:02:04,235 Three girls got proposals off 48 00:02:04,237 --> 00:02:07,154 my wife's slutty artichoke costume. 49 00:02:07,156 --> 00:02:10,491 Two others disappeared, but I focus on the positive. 50 00:02:10,493 --> 00:02:13,210 I couldn't believe it. I actually had her address. 51 00:02:13,212 --> 00:02:15,429 I knew I had to play this right. 52 00:02:15,431 --> 00:02:19,133 It's not like I could just walk up and knock on her door. 53 00:02:22,837 --> 00:02:26,123 Hi, you probably don't remember me, but... 54 00:02:26,125 --> 00:02:28,625 Halloween, ten years ago. 55 00:02:29,427 --> 00:02:31,896 Now that's a slow play. 56 00:02:31,898 --> 00:02:35,799 The next day, Lily and Marshall headed out 57 00:02:35,801 --> 00:02:37,318 to Lily's grandparents for dinner. 58 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,303 Marshall loved it out in the 'burbs. 59 00:02:39,305 --> 00:02:40,971 Look how many fireflies I caught! 60 00:02:40,973 --> 00:02:44,141 Don't forget to poke holes in the jar this time. 61 00:02:44,943 --> 00:02:47,978 Now we have a nice surprise for you. 62 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:51,365 Whatever it is, we're saying no. 63 00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:53,500 - What? - You know what. 64 00:02:53,502 --> 00:02:54,752 Every time we're here, 65 00:02:54,754 --> 00:02:57,037 my grandparents stick us with some big old piece of junk 66 00:02:57,039 --> 00:02:58,488 they're getting rid of. 67 00:02:58,490 --> 00:03:01,342 It's like the world's worst Showcase Showdown. 68 00:03:01,344 --> 00:03:05,045 It's a perfectly usable lawnmower! 69 00:03:06,465 --> 00:03:08,015 We live in an apartment! 70 00:03:08,017 --> 00:03:09,266 But maybe someday 71 00:03:09,268 --> 00:03:10,718 when we move to the suburbs... 72 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,553 We're never moving to the suburbs! 73 00:03:12,555 --> 00:03:13,637 And you also get... 74 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:16,140 this skinny microphone! 75 00:03:16,142 --> 00:03:17,891 Oh! 76 00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:21,345 Before we head out to our place in Florida, 77 00:03:21,347 --> 00:03:23,864 we wanted to give our favorite granddaughter 78 00:03:23,866 --> 00:03:25,532 a little something. 79 00:03:25,534 --> 00:03:29,870 Ooh, it's so small. I love it! 80 00:03:29,872 --> 00:03:32,373 - A key? - We're giving you the house. 81 00:03:32,375 --> 00:03:36,160 Lily, I know you've always hated the suburbs... 82 00:03:36,162 --> 00:03:38,796 We'll take it! 83 00:03:38,798 --> 00:03:41,582 For my first date with the slutty pumpkin, 84 00:03:41,584 --> 00:03:43,217 I took her someplace special. 85 00:03:43,219 --> 00:03:44,868 Ted, this is so romantic. 86 00:03:44,870 --> 00:03:46,804 The spot where we first met 87 00:03:46,806 --> 00:03:48,505 ten years ago. 88 00:03:48,507 --> 00:03:50,591 Do you remember the song that was playing that night? 89 00:03:50,593 --> 00:03:53,344 I remember how beautiful you looked. 90 00:03:53,346 --> 00:03:56,046 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me ♪ 91 00:03:56,048 --> 00:03:58,983 ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry." ♪ 92 00:03:58,985 --> 00:04:00,934 Is that, uh, the Barenaked Ladies, huh? 93 00:04:00,936 --> 00:04:02,603 ♪ Five days since you laughed at me ♪ 94 00:04:02,605 --> 00:04:04,822 ♪ Saying, "Get that together. Come back and see me." ♪ 95 00:04:04,824 --> 00:04:09,076 Kids, it took me ten years, but I finally kissed her. 96 00:04:09,078 --> 00:04:12,562 And it was... terrible. 97 00:04:19,770 --> 00:04:21,270 Lily, you hate the suburbs. 98 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:23,853 I know, but my grandparents giving us a house 99 00:04:23,855 --> 00:04:25,388 right when the baby's on the way? 100 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:26,505 It's perfect timing. 101 00:04:26,507 --> 00:04:28,524 This is great. I'm finally gonna be able 102 00:04:28,526 --> 00:04:30,843 to barbecue with proper ventilation. 103 00:04:32,179 --> 00:04:33,730 Marshall! 104 00:04:34,698 --> 00:04:36,232 We're moving to the suburbs, baby! 105 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,234 Oh... 106 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,737 Okay. 107 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,622 Baby, you're not moving to the suburbs. 108 00:04:42,624 --> 00:04:43,573 Why not? 109 00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:44,957 Lily is only agreeing 110 00:04:44,959 --> 00:04:46,709 to all this because of Pregnancy Brain. 111 00:04:46,711 --> 00:04:48,795 Pregnancy Brain? That's not a thing. 112 00:04:48,797 --> 00:04:50,029 It's totally a thing. 113 00:04:50,031 --> 00:04:54,667 Her brain is marinating in a cocktail of hormones, 114 00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:57,253 mood swings and jacked-up nesting instincts. 115 00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,556 I mean, yes, right now Lily is a goddess 116 00:05:00,558 --> 00:05:02,308 bestowing the miracle of life, 117 00:05:02,310 --> 00:05:04,844 but damn, she dumb! 118 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:08,181 Well, I have noticed some stuff. 119 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:11,017 I can't find my keys or wallet anywhere! 120 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:13,052 I found them... 121 00:05:13,054 --> 00:05:15,554 here in the freezer. 122 00:05:15,556 --> 00:05:17,523 Hey, but where are the ice cube trays? 123 00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:19,642 No idea. 124 00:05:21,078 --> 00:05:25,064 Those poor ice cubes! 125 00:05:25,066 --> 00:05:28,084 I guess she has been a little off lately. 126 00:05:28,086 --> 00:05:29,919 A little? She just texted me 127 00:05:29,921 --> 00:05:32,772 wanting directions back from the bathroom. 128 00:05:32,774 --> 00:05:36,292 Oh. We're over here! 129 00:05:37,411 --> 00:05:39,178 You're doing great, sweetie! 130 00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:42,248 That moron should not be making big life decisions right now. 131 00:05:42,250 --> 00:05:43,883 If you let her move to the suburbs, 132 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,935 it would be like taking advantage 133 00:05:45,937 --> 00:05:47,470 of a helpless drunk chick. 134 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,689 What? Where?! 135 00:05:49,691 --> 00:05:52,358 Oh, I got a girlfriend, right. 136 00:05:54,628 --> 00:05:56,446 Baby, we should put off moving. 137 00:05:56,448 --> 00:05:57,447 Why? 138 00:05:57,449 --> 00:05:59,198 Because I think the pregnancy is 139 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,283 affecting your judgment. 140 00:06:00,285 --> 00:06:04,771 No, Marshall, this is an amazing opportunity 141 00:06:04,773 --> 00:06:07,106 that we have to take advantage of! 142 00:06:07,108 --> 00:06:09,709 Just because my body is growing a fungus... 143 00:06:09,711 --> 00:06:11,210 Fetus. 144 00:06:11,212 --> 00:06:12,478 ...doesn't mean that my metal factories... 145 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,213 Meal faculties. 146 00:06:14,215 --> 00:06:16,299 ...are in any way funicular. 147 00:06:17,968 --> 00:06:19,469 No idea. 148 00:06:20,304 --> 00:06:24,006 Mmm... 149 00:06:24,008 --> 00:06:25,458 This is nice. What is this? 150 00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:26,625 Canadian whiskey. 151 00:06:28,228 --> 00:06:31,130 I want scotch! 152 00:06:31,132 --> 00:06:35,518 American scotch from Scotland! 153 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,970 Get that swill away from me! 154 00:06:41,108 --> 00:06:43,242 Why are you doing this to me? 155 00:06:43,244 --> 00:06:45,111 You have been ripping on Canada 156 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,646 since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snow blower. 157 00:06:47,648 --> 00:06:50,649 So now this Canuck's gonna beat on you 158 00:06:50,651 --> 00:06:53,503 like the drummer from Yukon Blonde hopped up on Timbits. 159 00:06:53,505 --> 00:06:55,755 - Hey. - Hey! 160 00:06:55,757 --> 00:06:56,706 How was your 161 00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:58,508 big date with the Snuffy Tuffkin? 162 00:06:58,510 --> 00:06:59,825 The Sniffy Napkin? 163 00:06:59,827 --> 00:07:03,379 The Slouchy Foreskin? 164 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:04,663 Lily tie-tie. 165 00:07:04,665 --> 00:07:08,267 It was good... ish. 166 00:07:09,169 --> 00:07:11,837 Look, there's Orion's Belt. 167 00:07:11,839 --> 00:07:13,105 Oh. 168 00:07:13,107 --> 00:07:15,224 Why does holding hands feel this weird? 169 00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,393 Should our fingers not intertwine? 170 00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:20,646 What's causing that pinching feeling? 171 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,848 I'll just cup her hand. 172 00:07:22,850 --> 00:07:25,184 There. That's... 173 00:07:25,186 --> 00:07:27,203 not great. 174 00:07:30,824 --> 00:07:34,026 Her hair's up my nose. 175 00:07:34,028 --> 00:07:37,547 Her shoulder's jabbing into my windpipe. 176 00:07:37,549 --> 00:07:39,298 Maybe if we reposition. 177 00:07:44,471 --> 00:07:45,871 I have to say something. 178 00:07:45,873 --> 00:07:47,390 She must be feeling it, too. 179 00:07:47,392 --> 00:07:49,208 This feels so right. 180 00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:52,011 We fit like two puzzle pieces. 181 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,229 Yeah. 182 00:07:53,231 --> 00:07:56,599 Ted, I know you've waited ten years for this girl, 183 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,717 but some things just aren't meant to be. 184 00:07:58,719 --> 00:08:00,853 Not so fast. At the end of the night, 185 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,656 when I leaned in and somehow accidentally kissed 186 00:08:03,658 --> 00:08:06,659 her open eyeball, there was a slight flicker of something 187 00:08:06,661 --> 00:08:09,745 I might even call chemistry... 188 00:08:09,747 --> 00:08:11,247 adjacent. 189 00:08:12,115 --> 00:08:13,399 Thank you. 190 00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:14,917 Wait. 191 00:08:16,286 --> 00:08:18,004 Where is my cash? 192 00:08:18,006 --> 00:08:19,589 Oh, yeah, 193 00:08:19,591 --> 00:08:22,291 I did a little exchange for ya, Canucklehead. 194 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:25,711 This Canadian dollar here is called a "loonie." 195 00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:30,099 And this two-dollar coin? A "toonie." True story. 196 00:08:30,101 --> 00:08:33,269 It's federal currency and you people talk about it 197 00:08:33,271 --> 00:08:35,304 like it's a Hannah- Barbera character. 198 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:38,224 Not you people, Barney. 199 00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,725 Our people. 200 00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:42,194 Even though my first date with Naomi was 201 00:08:42,196 --> 00:08:43,362 a little awkward, 202 00:08:43,364 --> 00:08:45,431 our second date was a lot awkward. 203 00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:46,866 Mmm...! 204 00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:49,902 This is the worst kissing of all time! 205 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:50,936 Mmm... 206 00:08:50,938 --> 00:08:52,738 How could she possibly be into this? 207 00:08:53,625 --> 00:08:55,074 She sounds like those cows in 208 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:56,442 Temple Grandin's hug machines. 209 00:08:56,444 --> 00:08:58,711 Do you want to listen to some music? 210 00:08:58,713 --> 00:08:59,562 Uh-huh! 211 00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:07,753 Ted, this is our song. 212 00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:09,889 Let's make love to this song. 213 00:09:11,475 --> 00:09:13,676 ♪ Chickety China, the Chinese chicken ♪ 214 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,294 ♪ Have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin' ♪ 215 00:09:15,296 --> 00:09:16,762 Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom. 216 00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,764 ♪ X-Files with no lights on, we're dans la maison. ♪ 217 00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:23,436 Hey, doofus! 218 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:25,438 It's me: you at age 15. 219 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,656 And we made a deal 220 00:09:26,658 --> 00:09:29,992 we would always boink any chick that wants to boink us! 221 00:09:29,994 --> 00:09:31,243 Yes, she's beautiful, 222 00:09:31,245 --> 00:09:33,579 it's just there's no connection there. 223 00:09:33,581 --> 00:09:35,147 I don't feel intimate with her. 224 00:09:35,149 --> 00:09:36,949 "Intimate"? Let me remind you of some things 225 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:39,285 you did feel "intimate" with when you were 15: 226 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,419 a catcher's mitt, 227 00:09:40,421 --> 00:09:42,988 an oven mitt, a glass of warm water, 228 00:09:42,990 --> 00:09:46,626 a half-open hide-a-bed sofa, a top-loading VCR! 229 00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:47,877 It's not gonna happen! 230 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:50,513 Come on! 231 00:09:50,515 --> 00:09:53,683 It'll take, like, 30 seconds! 232 00:09:55,168 --> 00:09:56,519 Naomi, listen... 233 00:09:56,521 --> 00:09:59,522 Shh... 234 00:10:02,559 --> 00:10:03,693 You like that, Ted? 235 00:10:03,695 --> 00:10:04,860 Hmm. 236 00:10:04,862 --> 00:10:08,397 Do you ike it when I caress your hair? 237 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:11,850 Your hair is so nice to caress. 238 00:10:11,852 --> 00:10:13,953 Why is she saying that word? 239 00:10:13,955 --> 00:10:16,405 I like to caress your hair. 240 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:20,242 There it is again! "Caress!" Who says that? 241 00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:23,245 Caress. 242 00:10:24,831 --> 00:10:26,865 The thing is, I like her, okay? 243 00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,968 I really, really like her. 244 00:10:28,970 --> 00:10:32,138 I just don't seem to like anything she says or does. 245 00:10:32,973 --> 00:10:34,890 I have to break up with her, don't I? 246 00:10:34,892 --> 00:10:35,941 Yes! 247 00:10:35,943 --> 00:10:37,977 After you sleep with her, yes! 248 00:10:39,045 --> 00:10:40,713 Marshall, I've been thinking about what you said. 249 00:10:40,715 --> 00:10:43,566 You're right, we shouldn't move to the suburbs. 250 00:10:43,568 --> 00:10:46,602 Let's not make any huge life decisions right now. 251 00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:48,521 Is this because you tried to make waffles 252 00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:49,722 with the laptop this morning? 253 00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:53,159 Anyway, I'm gonna call a real estate broker 254 00:10:53,161 --> 00:10:54,944 to come look at the house tomorrow. 255 00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,545 Oh, by the way, 256 00:10:56,547 --> 00:10:58,698 I ordered those Minnesota Vikings drapes. 257 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,917 You're right, they're totally gonna class up our apartment. 258 00:11:04,721 --> 00:11:07,640 Okay, yes. It's wrong to bang a drunk chick. 259 00:11:07,642 --> 00:11:10,743 But you're an idiot if you don't get, like, a little something. 260 00:11:13,263 --> 00:11:14,263 Yo, Canada. 261 00:11:14,265 --> 00:11:16,382 What? Dammit! 262 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,250 Ha, you answer to "Canada" now. 263 00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:21,353 I'll make you a deal. 264 00:11:21,355 --> 00:11:22,722 You wear this costume 265 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,640 to the Halloween party tomorrow night, 266 00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,809 I'll drop it forever. 267 00:11:29,696 --> 00:11:31,731 You can't be serious. 268 00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:34,650 Oh, I am as serious as a poutine shortage 269 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,236 in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel. 270 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:40,939 I don't know what any of those words mean. 271 00:11:40,941 --> 00:11:43,125 Yes. You do. 272 00:11:47,782 --> 00:11:50,132 Oh, that must be the broker. Marshall, will you get it? 273 00:11:50,134 --> 00:11:52,301 Sure. Of course. 274 00:11:52,303 --> 00:11:55,221 Trick or treat! 275 00:11:55,223 --> 00:11:57,623 Oh, my gosh. How cute! 276 00:11:57,625 --> 00:11:59,391 I'm sorry, we don't have any candy. 277 00:11:59,393 --> 00:12:01,177 Um, we forgot about trick-or-treaters. 278 00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:02,394 We don't get any where we live. 279 00:12:02,396 --> 00:12:05,314 Yup. Only get this kind of cuteness 280 00:12:05,316 --> 00:12:06,649 in the suburbs. 281 00:12:08,468 --> 00:12:13,489 Oh. Look at how sweet and happy and unarmed they all are! 282 00:12:13,491 --> 00:12:16,659 Are you using adorable little children in costumes 283 00:12:16,661 --> 00:12:17,827 to manipulate me? - Bye! 284 00:12:17,829 --> 00:12:19,978 I mean, did you even call a real estate broker? 285 00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:21,864 No. 286 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,949 I've got Pregnancy Brain like a fiddle 287 00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:27,419 and I've been playing you like a fox. 288 00:12:29,623 --> 00:12:35,144 ♪ Oh, Canada... ♪ 289 00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:40,549 ♪ Our home and native land... ♪ 290 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,521 I knew it would be tough to break up with Naomi. 291 00:12:45,523 --> 00:12:48,224 But when it's just not there, you can't force it. 292 00:12:51,945 --> 00:12:53,479 Happy Halloween. 293 00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:56,982 And just like that, I was taken back ten years... 294 00:12:56,984 --> 00:13:00,152 to the hopeful kid in the hanging chad costume, 295 00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:03,021 falling head over heels for the Slutty Pumpkin. 296 00:13:03,023 --> 00:13:05,908 I made you something. 297 00:13:08,628 --> 00:13:11,380 - Oh. - Your costume from that first night. 298 00:13:11,382 --> 00:13:14,083 Although you do realize that even ten years ago, 299 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,919 the hanging chad reference was like almost a year old. 300 00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:19,371 Wow... 301 00:13:19,373 --> 00:13:21,257 I can't believe you made this. 302 00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,542 I can't believe you found me. 303 00:13:23,544 --> 00:13:26,846 Stay strong, Teddy. We can do this. 304 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,647 I... 305 00:13:28,649 --> 00:13:31,100 "Have to break up with you," just say it. 306 00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:33,352 Love... Wait, what? 307 00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:34,720 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 308 00:13:34,722 --> 00:13:36,822 Say sunsets! Pancakes! Anything! 309 00:13:36,824 --> 00:13:38,056 Just don't say... 310 00:13:38,058 --> 00:13:39,358 You. 311 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,444 No! 312 00:13:46,443 --> 00:13:47,993 Barney? Where are you? 313 00:13:48,038 --> 00:13:49,905 You're moving slower than John Diefenbaker 314 00:13:49,907 --> 00:13:52,574 climbing Mount Hungabee on Boxing Day. 315 00:13:52,576 --> 00:13:54,876 Those are all real references to our shared homeland. 316 00:13:54,878 --> 00:13:56,378 I'll be right there. 317 00:13:56,380 --> 00:14:00,549 Can't wait to see you in your costume, Dudley Do-Right. 318 00:14:00,551 --> 00:14:02,467 ♪ Living in America ♪ 319 00:14:02,469 --> 00:14:03,969 ♪ Ow! ♪ 320 00:14:03,971 --> 00:14:05,804 ♪ Eye to eye ♪ 321 00:14:05,806 --> 00:14:08,390 ♪ Station to station ♪ 322 00:14:08,392 --> 00:14:11,643 ♪ Living in America ♪ 323 00:14:11,645 --> 00:14:14,179 ♪ Hand in hand ♪ 324 00:14:14,181 --> 00:14:16,715 ♪ Across the nation ♪ 325 00:14:16,717 --> 00:14:20,585 ♪ Living in America ♪ 326 00:14:20,587 --> 00:14:24,489 ♪ Got to have a celebration ♪ 327 00:14:24,491 --> 00:14:27,826 ♪ Rock my soul ♪ 328 00:14:27,828 --> 00:14:30,162 ♪ Ow! ♪ 329 00:14:30,164 --> 00:14:32,447 If we move here, you're just going to have that baby, 330 00:14:32,449 --> 00:14:34,199 and then you're going to hate me 331 00:14:34,201 --> 00:14:36,535 for letting you do this. I'm going to love it here. 332 00:14:36,537 --> 00:14:40,122 Oh, we'd have so much room in the suburbs. 333 00:14:40,124 --> 00:14:44,325 You can get that pinball machine you've always wanted. 334 00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:47,379 You can put it anywhere you want. 335 00:14:47,381 --> 00:14:50,098 Stop it. You don't know what you're saying. 336 00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:51,550 Anywhere. 337 00:14:51,552 --> 00:14:55,053 Upstairs, downstairs... 338 00:14:55,055 --> 00:14:57,355 you can stick it in the back. 339 00:14:58,558 --> 00:15:01,893 Lily, I want to be inside this house so bad. 340 00:15:01,895 --> 00:15:04,830 USA! USA! 341 00:15:04,832 --> 00:15:06,131 USA! 342 00:15:06,133 --> 00:15:07,532 Come on! 343 00:15:07,534 --> 00:15:09,868 Okay, so rather than wearing a Mountie costume 344 00:15:09,870 --> 00:15:11,319 and end this forever, 345 00:15:11,321 --> 00:15:13,188 you show up shirtless to an outdoor party? 346 00:15:13,190 --> 00:15:14,539 It's practically November. 347 00:15:14,541 --> 00:15:16,958 No biggie. I ain't cold. 348 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,960 Huh. Interesting. 349 00:15:18,962 --> 00:15:20,462 It's fascinating. 350 00:15:20,464 --> 00:15:23,498 Almost as if your body was accustomed to low temperatures 351 00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:26,384 after generations of adapting. 352 00:15:26,386 --> 00:15:27,969 Canada. 353 00:15:27,971 --> 00:15:29,054 No. 354 00:15:29,056 --> 00:15:31,873 Guys, hey. Robin, Barney, this is Naomi. 355 00:15:31,875 --> 00:15:33,258 - Hey. - Hey. 356 00:15:33,260 --> 00:15:35,927 Nice to meet you guys. 357 00:15:35,929 --> 00:15:39,264 I'm gonna go make some Tootsie Rolls. It's a drink I invented. 358 00:15:39,266 --> 00:15:40,232 There's a song and dance 359 00:15:40,234 --> 00:15:41,767 that goes along with it, but I have to 360 00:15:41,769 --> 00:15:43,101 drink three of them before I can do it. 361 00:15:45,221 --> 00:15:46,872 Oh. Okay. You go. 362 00:15:46,874 --> 00:15:48,690 This way. 363 00:15:50,109 --> 00:15:53,228 Sounds delicious. In theory. 364 00:15:53,230 --> 00:15:55,563 But you never know until you taste it. 365 00:15:55,565 --> 00:15:59,901 Ted... have you tasted her Tootsie Roll? 366 00:15:59,903 --> 00:16:00,919 Of course not. 367 00:16:00,921 --> 00:16:03,171 - Ow. - Wait. Have you? 368 00:16:05,292 --> 00:16:07,759 You had sex with someone you have zero feelings for! 369 00:16:07,761 --> 00:16:09,077 U-S-A! 370 00:16:09,079 --> 00:16:10,128 U-S... 371 00:16:10,130 --> 00:16:12,264 Stop it. 372 00:16:12,266 --> 00:16:14,099 Just no part of it felt right. 373 00:16:14,101 --> 00:16:16,384 At first there was too much eye contact, then not enough. 374 00:16:16,386 --> 00:16:18,419 Where do you look during sex? 375 00:16:18,421 --> 00:16:21,056 Um, into the hidden camera at future me watching it. 376 00:16:23,059 --> 00:16:24,309 Okay. Wait. How does 377 00:16:24,311 --> 00:16:26,561 saying "I want to break up with you" lead into sex? 378 00:16:26,563 --> 00:16:29,865 I didn't say "I want to break up with you," exactly. 379 00:16:29,867 --> 00:16:31,483 What did you say, exactly? 380 00:16:33,619 --> 00:16:34,736 "I love you." 381 00:16:34,738 --> 00:16:37,272 Classic Schmosby. 382 00:16:38,342 --> 00:16:42,828 Marshall, this house wants you so bad. 383 00:16:42,830 --> 00:16:45,247 "Mow my lawn. 384 00:16:45,249 --> 00:16:46,882 "Rake my leaves. 385 00:16:46,884 --> 00:16:48,750 Winterize my pipes"" 386 00:16:48,752 --> 00:16:49,918 Yes! 387 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,586 Yes! I'm coming... 388 00:16:51,588 --> 00:16:53,288 to terms with this decision! 389 00:16:53,290 --> 00:16:55,223 Oh! 390 00:16:55,225 --> 00:16:57,092 Trick or treat! 391 00:16:57,094 --> 00:16:57,809 Yay! 392 00:16:57,811 --> 00:17:00,011 Okay. 393 00:17:00,813 --> 00:17:03,098 Oh. 394 00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:04,432 Happy Halloween. 395 00:17:06,686 --> 00:17:09,354 - Lily. - Yeah? 396 00:17:09,356 --> 00:17:10,822 You just gave those children 397 00:17:10,824 --> 00:17:13,975 a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors, 398 00:17:13,977 --> 00:17:16,278 and a pretty decent Pinot Noir. 399 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:17,662 I did? 400 00:17:18,581 --> 00:17:20,532 Oh, my God. 401 00:17:20,534 --> 00:17:24,369 I'm going to miss that stapler so much. 402 00:17:26,789 --> 00:17:29,925 I'm not doing so great, am I? 403 00:17:29,927 --> 00:17:31,960 Maybe not. 404 00:17:33,713 --> 00:17:36,798 We shouldn't make any huge life decisions 405 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,433 right now, should we? 406 00:17:38,435 --> 00:17:43,271 Hey, look, I love you and I-I love the idea of raising 407 00:17:43,273 --> 00:17:45,357 our kids with a lawn and a white picket fence, 408 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:47,508 but we have our whole lives to decide when 409 00:17:47,510 --> 00:17:49,811 and if we want to do that. 410 00:17:49,813 --> 00:17:52,013 Do what? 411 00:17:52,015 --> 00:17:54,566 Let's get you home. 412 00:17:59,956 --> 00:18:01,623 Ooh. 413 00:18:01,625 --> 00:18:04,192 That's for the stapler! 414 00:18:04,194 --> 00:18:06,361 I hate the suburbs. 415 00:18:09,917 --> 00:18:10,916 Naomi... 416 00:18:10,918 --> 00:18:12,533 We have to end this. 417 00:18:12,535 --> 00:18:13,534 W-- huh? 418 00:18:13,536 --> 00:18:15,170 I'm sorry, Tootsie Rolls make me 419 00:18:15,172 --> 00:18:17,555 really honest. 420 00:18:17,557 --> 00:18:22,394 Ted... I know you're super into me. 421 00:18:23,346 --> 00:18:24,846 But we are terrible together. 422 00:18:24,848 --> 00:18:26,514 Wait, what? 423 00:18:26,516 --> 00:18:30,852 I've been trying, saying things felt good that didn't just to... 424 00:18:32,438 --> 00:18:35,323 I thought saying it was good would make it feel good, but... 425 00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:39,828 ...it always felt off. 426 00:18:42,249 --> 00:18:45,333 Why won't he stop sniffing my hair? 427 00:18:45,335 --> 00:18:46,835 And what's up with the hand holding? 428 00:18:46,837 --> 00:18:50,505 It's like he's trying to win a thumb war. 429 00:18:50,507 --> 00:18:53,741 Ted, this is our song. 430 00:18:53,743 --> 00:18:56,428 Oh, no, he thinks I'm actually into this song. 431 00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:58,546 Does he not get sarcasm? 432 00:18:58,548 --> 00:19:01,516 Let's make love to this song. 433 00:19:01,518 --> 00:19:02,851 I'll just be even more ridiculous 434 00:19:02,853 --> 00:19:04,853 to make it clear it's a joke. 435 00:19:04,855 --> 00:19:06,771 ♪ Chickety-China, the Chinese chicken... ♪ 436 00:19:06,773 --> 00:19:08,023 I... 437 00:19:08,025 --> 00:19:10,191 Uh-oh, where you going with this, buddy? 438 00:19:10,193 --> 00:19:11,309 ...love... 439 00:19:11,311 --> 00:19:12,593 Nope, too soon. 440 00:19:12,595 --> 00:19:14,980 Say basset hounds, Pretzel Crisps, anything but... 441 00:19:14,982 --> 00:19:16,280 ...you. 442 00:19:16,305 --> 00:19:18,147 Oh, God, just kiss him before he proposes. 443 00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:23,204 Ted, I've been looking for the Hot Hanging Chad 444 00:19:23,206 --> 00:19:25,824 for the last nine Halloweens. 445 00:19:25,826 --> 00:19:27,659 I've waded through a sweaty parade 446 00:19:27,661 --> 00:19:30,045 of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, 447 00:19:30,047 --> 00:19:32,047 Antoine Dodsons, and that jackass 448 00:19:32,049 --> 00:19:33,882 who always dresses as laundry. 449 00:19:33,884 --> 00:19:35,250 Oh, I hate that guy. 450 00:19:35,252 --> 00:19:37,969 That's why, once I finally found you... 451 00:19:38,838 --> 00:19:42,140 ...it was hard to let you go. 452 00:19:43,342 --> 00:19:44,976 Good-bye, Ted. 453 00:19:48,964 --> 00:19:51,733 Let's just not touch ever again. 454 00:19:51,735 --> 00:19:52,684 Probably a good idea, yeah. 455 00:19:52,686 --> 00:19:54,736 Okay. 456 00:19:54,738 --> 00:19:57,405 Kids, after spending a decade dreaming of the wrong girl, 457 00:19:57,407 --> 00:20:00,325 I wanted more than ever for the next woman I met 458 00:20:00,327 --> 00:20:02,694 to be the real thing. 459 00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:08,867 Yeah, I don't know, Barney, she doesn't seem like my type. 460 00:20:08,869 --> 00:20:11,252 I will kill you. 461 00:20:11,254 --> 00:20:12,587 I'll see what I can do. 462 00:20:34,643 --> 00:20:37,361 Oh, hey there, I'm Barney, how are you? 463 00:20:37,363 --> 00:20:40,665 No, I'm Barney. 464 00:20:42,868 --> 00:20:44,001 Whoa. 465 00:20:44,003 --> 00:20:45,953 You pack quite a wallop there. 466 00:20:45,955 --> 00:20:47,988 Hope you didn't hurt your hand. 467 00:20:47,990 --> 00:20:50,824 Why are you so nice? 468 00:20:52,328 --> 00:20:54,328 Oh, sorry about my thick noodle there. 469 00:20:54,330 --> 00:20:56,881 How about we split the cost of the vase, eh? 470 00:20:56,883 --> 00:20:59,550 Holy Zamboni. 471 00:20:59,552 --> 00:21:01,435 Wow, you really put your weight behind that one. 472 00:21:01,437 --> 00:21:02,937 That was a really good one. 473 00:21:02,939 --> 00:21:04,772 Oh, heavens to Gretzky, that was a real Chiclet rattler. 474 00:21:04,774 --> 00:21:08,774 == sync, corrected by elderman ==