1
00:00:03,792 --> 00:00:05,529
Sorry this is
taking so long.
2
00:00:05,530 --> 00:00:07,898
He kicked for everybody else.
3
00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:10,200
It's hard for the little guy
to perform under pressure.
4
00:00:10,202 --> 00:00:12,386
Top ten things Marshall
said on his wedding night.
5
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,372
Whoa! It was small, but
I think I felt something.
6
00:00:15,374 --> 00:00:17,874
Top ten things Lily said
on her wedding night.
7
00:00:17,876 --> 00:00:19,843
Stop laughing
at it, Lily.
8
00:00:19,845 --> 00:00:21,878
Top ten things Marshall said
on his wedding night!
9
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,063
Can we please talk
about something
10
00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:24,181
other than my wedding night?
11
00:00:24,183 --> 00:00:26,683
Absolutely. Let's talk
about last night.
12
00:00:26,685 --> 00:00:29,052
It was a night
like any other.
13
00:00:29,054 --> 00:00:31,054
I was just about
to get laid...
14
00:00:31,056 --> 00:00:33,273
Hey, Barney,
I need your help.
15
00:00:33,275 --> 00:00:34,908
This hottie I'm talking to
is meeting her friend
16
00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,360
at a club,
so I need a wingman.
17
00:00:36,362 --> 00:00:38,745
Well, just so you know, I'd be
giving up a sure thing here.
18
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:39,830
Hey!
19
00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:41,665
Are you not a sure thing?
20
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,001
Yeah, I am.
21
00:00:45,370 --> 00:00:47,421
This "friend" of yours
better be even hotter
22
00:00:47,423 --> 00:00:48,922
and dumber than this one.
23
00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:52,409
Wow! You have Enormous
Penis Syndrome?
24
00:00:52,411 --> 00:00:54,461
I've never heard of that.
Yeah.
25
00:00:54,463 --> 00:00:56,847
That's the problem with E.P.S.:
lack of awareness.
26
00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:58,882
That's why I'm
organizing a 10K fun-run.
27
00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:02,452
Of course, many of us
will need wheelbarrows.
28
00:01:02,454 --> 00:01:04,754
You are so brave.
29
00:01:04,756 --> 00:01:06,756
And you are so understanding.
30
00:01:06,758 --> 00:01:08,725
Most people
just stare at me
31
00:01:08,727 --> 00:01:11,695
like I'm some kind of freak
in reinforced underwear.
32
00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,530
Poor, baby.
33
00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:15,399
I can't imagine
what you're going through
34
00:01:15,401 --> 00:01:16,933
because I never wear underwear.
35
00:01:16,935 --> 00:01:18,285
Jackpot!
36
00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:19,769
You want to get out of here?
37
00:01:19,771 --> 00:01:22,372
Oh, I don't know. This is all
moving kind of fast. Okay.
38
00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:23,874
Oh, but before we go,
39
00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:25,826
I should mention my condition.
40
00:01:25,828 --> 00:01:29,329
It's called: I'm Not
a Gullible Dumbass Disorder.
41
00:01:29,331 --> 00:01:31,665
As the former Surgeon General,
I've got to say,
42
00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:33,583
I don't think
that's the real thing.
43
00:01:33,585 --> 00:01:34,835
Okay, just stop.
44
00:01:34,837 --> 00:01:36,286
You have no chance with me.
45
00:01:36,288 --> 00:01:38,255
We're just here as backups
for our friends.
46
00:01:38,257 --> 00:01:39,389
Hey, how did you two meet,
anyway?
47
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,308
No, we're not doing
that first date dance
48
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,010
where you pretend everything
I say is fascinating,
49
00:01:43,012 --> 00:01:45,679
thinking it'll somehow
get you into my pants.
50
00:01:45,681 --> 00:01:47,597
What? Guys don't do that!
51
00:01:47,599 --> 00:01:49,650
Goat cheese?
Fascinating!
52
00:01:49,652 --> 00:01:51,935
What else
are you allergic to, huh?
53
00:01:53,254 --> 00:01:56,139
You owe me three hours
for last night, Mosby.
54
00:01:56,141 --> 00:01:57,774
I'm thinking,
55
00:01:57,776 --> 00:02:01,111
laser tag tournament
in Newark this weekend.
56
00:02:01,113 --> 00:02:03,146
Ted can pass for
under 18, right?
57
00:02:03,148 --> 00:02:04,448
It's a father-son thing.
58
00:02:04,450 --> 00:02:06,333
Marshall, we should
get going. Any later,
59
00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:08,385
and we'll be riding the Drunk Train.
Oh.
60
00:02:08,387 --> 00:02:09,202
The Drunk Train?
61
00:02:09,204 --> 00:02:10,754
It's the last train
of the night
62
00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:12,239
back to Long Island.
It's a mess.
63
00:02:12,241 --> 00:02:13,590
Just a bunch of drunk,
64
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:17,027
sloppy idiots, fresh off a
night of partying in the city,
65
00:02:17,029 --> 00:02:19,963
just desperate to hook up
with anything that moves.
66
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:20,881
Yeah.
Bye.
67
00:02:20,883 --> 00:02:22,265
See you.
68
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,518
New plan, Ted.
69
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,553
So this father-son thing.
70
00:02:26,555 --> 00:02:29,272
You know, a backwards baseball
cap really youngs me down.
71
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:30,357
All aboard!
72
00:02:32,595 --> 00:02:36,095
♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x16 ♪
The Drunk Train
Original Air Date on February 13, 2012
73
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,620
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
74
00:02:45,318 --> 00:02:47,670
- For Valentine's weekend,
- Lily and Marshall invited
75
00:02:47,672 --> 00:02:50,006
Kevin and Robin on a couple's
getaway to Vermont.
76
00:02:50,008 --> 00:02:52,091
Mmm.
77
00:02:52,093 --> 00:02:54,510
16 years together,
and still so in love.
78
00:02:54,512 --> 00:02:55,994
- Mm.
- What's your secret?
79
00:02:55,996 --> 00:02:58,497
The key to relationships is
understanding the difference
80
00:02:58,499 --> 00:03:00,349
between hearing
and listening.
81
00:03:00,351 --> 00:03:01,767
It's about respecting
your partner's...
82
00:03:01,769 --> 00:03:02,935
Opinions on...
83
00:03:02,937 --> 00:03:05,521
Hey, shh, shh, shh.
Kind of on a roll here.
84
00:03:05,523 --> 00:03:08,340
Relationships are
a give and take,
85
00:03:08,342 --> 00:03:12,395
and that's why it's important
to never keep score.
86
00:03:12,397 --> 00:03:13,379
Yeah, like how
87
00:03:13,381 --> 00:03:14,613
Barney's holding
these three hours
88
00:03:14,615 --> 00:03:15,731
over Ted's head.
89
00:03:15,733 --> 00:03:17,950
If they were a couple,
they'd never work.
90
00:03:17,952 --> 00:03:21,353
Obviously. Ted's a Taurus,
and Barney is such a Scorpio.
91
00:03:21,355 --> 00:03:22,688
Good advice.
Don't keep score.
92
00:03:22,690 --> 00:03:24,457
They're not even
close to finished.
93
00:03:24,459 --> 00:03:25,746
How do we not keep
score, you ask?
94
00:03:25,771 --> 00:03:26,460
Huh. Hm.
95
00:03:26,461 --> 00:03:29,290
Sounds like somebody want
to hear some examples, sweetie.
96
00:03:29,315 --> 00:03:29,996
Mm-hmm.
97
00:03:29,997 --> 00:03:32,498
I'm just gonna close my
eyes until it's all over.
98
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,700
Top ten things Lily said
on her wedding night.
99
00:03:34,702 --> 00:03:36,585
Solid.
100
00:03:36,587 --> 00:03:37,803
Here's one.
101
00:03:37,805 --> 00:03:40,089
Every time Marshall's
mom comes to visit us,
102
00:03:40,091 --> 00:03:43,426
we have to put out all
the tacky Minnesota gifts
103
00:03:43,428 --> 00:03:45,878
she's bought us over the years.
104
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,880
Hi, Mom!
Hi, Mrs. Eriksen!
105
00:03:47,882 --> 00:03:50,149
Marshall.
106
00:03:51,384 --> 00:03:54,186
Uh-huh. I don't see
107
00:03:54,188 --> 00:03:57,490
the gopher-hair tea cozy
I made you.
108
00:03:57,492 --> 00:04:00,076
Guess it wasn't
good enough for Lily.
109
00:04:00,078 --> 00:04:02,278
But I'd never hold
that over Marshall,
110
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:04,897
because if I did,
he'd owe me big-time.
111
00:04:04,899 --> 00:04:07,450
Just like I would never
hold it over you
112
00:04:07,452 --> 00:04:11,170
for dragging me to that
experimental theater piece.
113
00:04:19,429 --> 00:04:21,714
Is it... is it
just screaming?
114
00:04:23,717 --> 00:04:25,968
But we don't keep score.
115
00:04:25,970 --> 00:04:28,086
Gotcha, loud and clear.
Don't keep score.
116
00:04:28,088 --> 00:04:30,139
Because if we did, then
Marshall would owe me
117
00:04:30,141 --> 00:04:31,774
for killing my
cousin's dog.
118
00:04:31,776 --> 00:04:33,926
How did I know
that he would eat my wallet?
119
00:04:33,928 --> 00:04:36,145
Why was your wallet filled
with chocolate?!
120
00:04:36,147 --> 00:04:38,614
So we're back
to this argument!
121
00:04:38,616 --> 00:04:40,766
That night, Barney
and I found ourselves
122
00:04:40,768 --> 00:04:43,268
in a strange,
new universe called...
123
00:04:43,270 --> 00:04:44,603
The Drunk Train.
124
00:04:44,605 --> 00:04:46,539
Hey!
125
00:04:49,709 --> 00:04:53,546
Where has this heavenly vehicle
been all my life?
126
00:04:53,548 --> 00:04:56,081
Can you hear
its inspiring chant, Ted?
127
00:04:56,083 --> 00:04:59,718
I think I can get laid,
I think I can get laid.
128
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,837
It's-it's The Little Engine
with Wood,
129
00:05:01,839 --> 00:05:03,756
The Whore-ient Express.
130
00:05:03,758 --> 00:05:05,123
The Long Island Tail Road!
131
00:05:05,125 --> 00:05:07,143
Oh, I got one.
132
00:05:07,145 --> 00:05:08,644
Thomas the Spank Engine!
133
00:05:08,646 --> 00:05:11,063
Ted, that is a children's book.
134
00:05:14,801 --> 00:05:17,019
Okay, as fun as this
place is, it's late.
135
00:05:17,021 --> 00:05:18,070
So, what's our play?
136
00:05:18,072 --> 00:05:19,488
And don't say, "The
Siamese Twins""
137
00:05:19,490 --> 00:05:21,640
We're not stretching out
another one of my jackets.
138
00:05:21,642 --> 00:05:23,659
No, dude, this is
the Drunk Train.
139
00:05:23,661 --> 00:05:24,860
We don't need a play!
140
00:05:24,862 --> 00:05:27,530
All we have to do is sit back,
play it cool,
141
00:05:27,532 --> 00:05:30,199
scope out the hotties,
and by the end of the line,
142
00:05:30,201 --> 00:05:33,318
we will totally be
sleeping with someone.
143
00:05:39,176 --> 00:05:41,794
You know,
you are so great.
144
00:05:41,796 --> 00:05:44,346
You sat there listening
to Marshall and Lily
145
00:05:44,348 --> 00:05:46,832
bicker all night,
and you didn't complain once.
146
00:05:46,834 --> 00:05:49,101
Well, I am a therapist,
so I do plan on billing them.
147
00:05:49,103 --> 00:05:52,337
I also have a couple powerful
medications that might help.
148
00:05:52,339 --> 00:05:53,639
Lily can't take anything;
she's pregnant.
149
00:05:53,641 --> 00:05:55,107
I meant for us.
150
00:05:55,109 --> 00:05:56,692
If we're getting through
five more meals
151
00:05:56,694 --> 00:05:58,360
and a sleigh ride
with those guys,
152
00:05:58,362 --> 00:05:59,862
we need to be spaced out
of our gourds.
153
00:05:59,864 --> 00:06:01,864
Well, if we are keeping score,
154
00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:04,349
I owe you one weekend, mister.
155
00:06:04,351 --> 00:06:06,184
I was thinking
a little longer than that.
156
00:06:06,186 --> 00:06:08,370
What do you mean?
157
00:06:10,624 --> 00:06:13,959
Robin, will you marry me?
158
00:06:20,455 --> 00:06:21,839
Look, I know this is fast.
159
00:06:21,841 --> 00:06:24,041
I'm just excited
to start a life with you.
160
00:06:24,043 --> 00:06:25,459
If that's what you want.
161
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:29,013
Wow.
162
00:06:29,015 --> 00:06:30,764
Um...
163
00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:33,434
I'm-I'm not saying no.
164
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:35,752
I'm-I'm not saying anything.
165
00:06:35,754 --> 00:06:39,140
I just, um...
I-I need some time to think.
166
00:06:39,142 --> 00:06:40,474
I totally understand.
167
00:06:40,476 --> 00:06:42,526
Um, take as much time
as you need.
168
00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:46,447
I'll just, uh... I'll just keep
this here until you're ready.
169
00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:56,490
Any chance we could put
that bad boy away for now?
170
00:06:56,492 --> 00:06:59,326
It's really just staring
at us, isn't it?
171
00:06:59,328 --> 00:07:01,996
Ted! Ted! Ted!
172
00:07:01,998 --> 00:07:04,331
I thought of some new
great names for the Drunk Train.
173
00:07:04,333 --> 00:07:05,549
Slamtrak!
174
00:07:05,551 --> 00:07:06,500
Uh-huh.
175
00:07:06,502 --> 00:07:09,170
The Chatta-Nookie Choo-Choo!
176
00:07:09,172 --> 00:07:11,788
Thomas the Spank Engine!
I said that one yesterday.
177
00:07:11,790 --> 00:07:13,807
I don't think you did.
178
00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:15,809
Wow. Someone's had some coffee.
179
00:07:15,811 --> 00:07:17,294
Yeah. 18 cups!
180
00:07:17,296 --> 00:07:19,980
There is no way
I'm falling asleep tonight!
181
00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:22,516
That Quinn girl is so wrong.
182
00:07:22,518 --> 00:07:24,518
She said I could never
love anything,
183
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:26,654
but I love this train!
184
00:07:26,656 --> 00:07:29,306
She said you could never
love anything? That's intense.
185
00:07:29,308 --> 00:07:31,692
Oh, you have no idea.
186
00:07:33,979 --> 00:07:35,696
Stop staring.
Not gonna happen.
187
00:07:35,698 --> 00:07:38,815
Is there any way we can start
over and get to know each other?
188
00:07:38,817 --> 00:07:41,785
I already know you.
Oh, really?
189
00:07:41,787 --> 00:07:44,588
- You wear a suit all the time.
- Obviously.
190
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:45,956
You have a stupid rule
about everything.
191
00:07:45,958 --> 00:07:47,791
I pay for the meal,
you handle my deal.
192
00:07:47,793 --> 00:07:49,009
That's just good manners.
193
00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:51,428
But you end most nights
alone at a strip club,
194
00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:53,013
feeling empty inside,
telling yourself
195
00:07:53,015 --> 00:07:57,601
your life is somehow epic
or classic or... legendary.
196
00:07:57,603 --> 00:08:01,188
I never say epic or classic.
197
00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:03,607
Do you practice the dark arts?
198
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,627
No, they did not
forget the potato salad
199
00:08:06,629 --> 00:08:08,696
in your takeout order!
200
00:08:08,698 --> 00:08:10,731
Wh-What happened next?!
201
00:08:10,733 --> 00:08:12,349
For the last time, I'm sorry.
202
00:08:12,351 --> 00:08:13,684
It's okay.
203
00:08:13,686 --> 00:08:14,985
Your debt is paid.
204
00:08:14,987 --> 00:08:17,571
You don't have to come
on the Drunk Train anymore.
205
00:08:17,573 --> 00:08:19,240
You're never gonna meet
the one there, anyway.
206
00:08:19,242 --> 00:08:21,492
- Oh, screw the one!
- What?
207
00:08:21,494 --> 00:08:24,078
Every date I've been on lately
has been brutal.
208
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:25,996
Last week, I went out
with a girl
209
00:08:25,998 --> 00:08:27,998
whose favorite band was Glee.
210
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,366
Plus, it's almost
Valentine's Day,
211
00:08:29,368 --> 00:08:32,202
and I'm alone without
anything close to a girlfriend.
212
00:08:32,204 --> 00:08:34,922
So... all aboard!
213
00:08:34,924 --> 00:08:39,176
I have never been more proud
of you.
214
00:08:39,178 --> 00:08:41,145
Come on.
215
00:08:41,147 --> 00:08:43,380
Ted, tonight is gonna be epic--
216
00:08:43,382 --> 00:08:46,317
wait for it-- dary! Wait.
217
00:08:46,319 --> 00:08:47,434
No, that's not it.
218
00:08:47,436 --> 00:08:49,737
How do I usually say it?
I hate this Quinn girl!
219
00:08:51,623 --> 00:08:53,991
Well,
220
00:08:53,993 --> 00:08:55,693
I propose we order
a bottle of wine.
221
00:08:55,695 --> 00:08:57,578
- Propose!
- Not propose. Suggest.
222
00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,780
I'm not married to the idea.
Lily, take it.
223
00:08:59,782 --> 00:09:01,949
Why don't we get an appetizer?
224
00:09:01,951 --> 00:09:04,451
How about the...
onion rings?
225
00:09:04,453 --> 00:09:05,419
I mean, diamond rings.
226
00:09:05,421 --> 00:09:07,671
I mean,
diamond circles.
227
00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:09,340
I mean, onion circles.
228
00:09:09,342 --> 00:09:10,507
I know they're fattening,
229
00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:12,926
but I hear this place
has great onion circles.
230
00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:16,413
So, Robin,
about not telling them?
231
00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:21,068
The green salad
looks interesting.
232
00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:24,438
You're so much better
without him.
233
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,141
If you ask me,
Vinnie's a real jerk.
234
00:09:27,143 --> 00:09:28,892
Hey, don't you dare
badmouth Vinnie!
235
00:09:28,894 --> 00:09:30,227
Ow!
236
00:09:30,229 --> 00:09:31,445
So what do you do?
237
00:09:31,447 --> 00:09:33,697
Well, I teach architecture,
and I also...
238
00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:34,948
Oh, big man with a job.
239
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:36,317
You think yore better than me?
240
00:09:36,319 --> 00:09:37,484
What...
241
00:09:40,238 --> 00:09:42,239
So... where do you live?
242
00:09:42,241 --> 00:09:43,624
I'm on the
Upper West Side.
243
00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:46,160
Oh, big man.
Living in Manhattan.
244
00:09:46,162 --> 00:09:48,245
What, you think you're
better than me?
245
00:09:48,247 --> 00:09:50,130
Ehhh!
246
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,337
Ehhhh!
247
00:09:56,339 --> 00:09:58,121
You think you're
better than me?!
248
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:01,225
Well, it's a close one.
249
00:10:01,227 --> 00:10:03,927
Lily made 14 awkward
references to marriage,
250
00:10:03,929 --> 00:10:05,179
and Marshall made an even 60.
251
00:10:05,181 --> 00:10:07,598
I'm so sorry, Kevin.
252
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,266
It's okay. I'm gonna
go to bed, but
253
00:10:09,268 --> 00:10:11,402
you guys think tomorrow we can
stop with all the marriage talk?
254
00:10:11,404 --> 00:10:12,469
I do.
I do.
255
00:10:12,471 --> 00:10:14,805
That's a half a point each.
256
00:10:14,807 --> 00:10:16,106
See you in a minute.
257
00:10:16,108 --> 00:10:17,858
Okay.
258
00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:19,142
So?
259
00:10:19,144 --> 00:10:21,662
Are you any closer to deciding?
Ooh...
260
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:26,283
Uh... well, there is something
you don't know.
261
00:10:26,285 --> 00:10:27,818
Um...
262
00:10:27,820 --> 00:10:29,036
Can you guys keep a secret?
263
00:10:29,038 --> 00:10:31,288
Yeah.
Well, some of us can.
264
00:10:32,290 --> 00:10:33,507
Well, there's something
265
00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:35,793
I have been keeping
from everyone
266
00:10:35,795 --> 00:10:37,511
for the last couple of months.
267
00:10:38,546 --> 00:10:39,680
Um...
268
00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:42,716
I found out that
I can't have children.
269
00:10:46,638 --> 00:10:48,188
- I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.
270
00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:49,224
Are you okay?
271
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,649
I can't believe
that we didn't know.
272
00:10:50,693 --> 00:10:52,276
No, you know,
I've had some...
273
00:10:52,278 --> 00:10:55,646
time to deal with this
by myself, and...
274
00:10:55,648 --> 00:10:56,814
I'm okay.
275
00:10:56,816 --> 00:10:57,948
For real.
276
00:10:57,950 --> 00:10:59,233
Are you sure?
277
00:10:59,235 --> 00:11:01,368
Yeah. So...
278
00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:03,454
even though I love Kevin
279
00:11:03,456 --> 00:11:06,290
and I... think
I want to say yes,
280
00:11:06,292 --> 00:11:08,325
I can't until I tell him.
281
00:11:08,327 --> 00:11:09,293
But I'm scared
282
00:11:09,295 --> 00:11:10,527
it'll end our relationship.
283
00:11:10,529 --> 00:11:11,829
You
know what, Robin?
284
00:11:11,831 --> 00:11:14,798
If it's meant to be,
then it won't matter.
285
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,534
Yeah, you just
have to tell him.
286
00:11:19,170 --> 00:11:22,339
Thank God we had the keys
to Marshall and Lily's place.
287
00:11:22,341 --> 00:11:25,041
Pretty sure I told you that before
you kicked in that side window.
288
00:11:25,043 --> 00:11:29,813
You mean, before the "burglars"
kicked in that side window
289
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:32,766
and stole all
of Lily's underwear.
290
00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:36,236
What the hell happened
on that train?
291
00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:38,238
It was absolute chaos.
292
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,825
Ted, when I was at M.I.T.,
my favorite Einstein quote was:
293
00:11:41,827 --> 00:11:44,411
"God doesn't play dice
with the universe."
294
00:11:44,413 --> 00:11:45,813
You didn't go to M.I.T.
295
00:11:45,815 --> 00:11:48,231
I didn't?
296
00:11:48,233 --> 00:11:52,202
Huh. I actually have no idea
where you went to college.
297
00:11:53,037 --> 00:11:55,005
Who are you?
298
00:11:55,007 --> 00:11:59,293
If we analyze the seemingly
random patterns of the train,
299
00:11:59,295 --> 00:12:01,745
taking into account
standard deviation,
300
00:12:01,747 --> 00:12:04,598
and assuming that
epsilon approaches zero
301
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,600
as angle delta approaches pi,
302
00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:08,635
we can conclude...
303
00:12:10,422 --> 00:12:12,222
Damn it, Ted!
304
00:12:12,224 --> 00:12:15,275
I was about to drop some
sweet word play about logarithms
305
00:12:15,277 --> 00:12:17,945
and getting into a rhythm
with my log.
306
00:12:17,947 --> 00:12:20,531
I'll remember it.
307
00:12:20,533 --> 00:12:23,450
The next morning, Robin
mustered up all her courage
308
00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:25,569
and finally told Kevin
her secret.
309
00:12:25,571 --> 00:12:28,655
I know that this is a
lot to process, so...
310
00:12:28,657 --> 00:12:30,707
you take all the
time you need.
311
00:12:30,709 --> 00:12:33,961
And I understand...
Robin...
312
00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:36,363
will you marry me?
313
00:12:36,365 --> 00:12:38,448
Yes.
314
00:12:45,507 --> 00:12:46,349
What are you doing?
315
00:12:46,450 --> 00:12:48,567
The top speed of the Drunk Train
is 73 miles per hour,
316
00:12:48,569 --> 00:12:51,737
and you factor in an aggregate
of 32 boobs per car,
317
00:12:51,739 --> 00:12:53,873
28 of which are motorboatable,
318
00:12:53,875 --> 00:12:56,208
and you divide that...
No, no, no!
319
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:58,410
This is all wrong!
320
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,446
It should be so simple!
321
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:04,383
I mean, it's the Drunk Train!
322
00:13:04,385 --> 00:13:08,003
My God...
it's been
323
00:13:08,005 --> 00:13:10,606
right in front of us
the whole time.
324
00:13:27,324 --> 00:13:28,607
"Get drunk""
325
00:13:28,609 --> 00:13:29,608
Yeah.
326
00:13:29,610 --> 00:13:30,976
Of course.
327
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:33,445
Good circling, Ted.
328
00:13:33,447 --> 00:13:35,948
This ain't my first
word search.
329
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:40,920
So my Mom's already
picked a date, venue
330
00:13:40,922 --> 00:13:42,421
and caterer for
the wedding.
331
00:13:42,423 --> 00:13:44,256
But nothing's
set in stone.
332
00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:45,591
My great-aunt's gonna sing.
333
00:13:45,593 --> 00:13:47,209
That's happening.
334
00:13:47,211 --> 00:13:48,794
Are you really okay with this?
335
00:13:48,796 --> 00:13:50,462
Yeah, she's actually got
a decent voice.
336
00:13:50,464 --> 00:13:53,299
No, are you... are you okay
337
00:13:53,301 --> 00:13:55,434
with everything
that we talked about?
338
00:13:55,436 --> 00:13:57,636
Of course, Robin, I love you.
339
00:13:57,638 --> 00:14:00,522
Besides, there are other ways
to have kids.
340
00:14:00,524 --> 00:14:01,807
There's adoption, surrogacy...
341
00:14:01,809 --> 00:14:05,477
No, Kevin, it's not just
that I can't have kids,
342
00:14:05,479 --> 00:14:07,546
I don't want kids.
343
00:14:07,548 --> 00:14:10,199
Oh.
344
00:14:10,201 --> 00:14:11,734
Okay.
345
00:14:11,736 --> 00:14:15,988
Knowing that, do you want
to take your proposal back?
346
00:14:15,990 --> 00:14:18,173
Will you marry me?
347
00:14:18,175 --> 00:14:21,360
Oh, you take such good care
of me.
348
00:14:21,362 --> 00:14:23,696
Thanks for loaning me your shoes
349
00:14:23,698 --> 00:14:25,581
for my swollen feet. Ah!
350
00:14:25,583 --> 00:14:26,882
I owe you one.
351
00:14:26,884 --> 00:14:28,384
We have to stop this.
352
00:14:28,386 --> 00:14:29,501
Stop what?
353
00:14:29,503 --> 00:14:31,670
Keeping score.
354
00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:35,975
You're growing a baby,
our baby.
355
00:14:35,977 --> 00:14:39,728
So you're officially ahead
of me for life.
356
00:14:39,730 --> 00:14:42,264
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
357
00:14:42,266 --> 00:14:45,768
Once we're parents,
we have to be a team. Deal?
358
00:14:45,770 --> 00:14:47,586
It's your turn!
359
00:14:47,588 --> 00:14:50,489
I was on point for six straight
hours yesterday!
360
00:14:50,491 --> 00:14:53,692
Two of those hours
were a nap and you know it!
361
00:14:53,694 --> 00:14:55,494
Let's go to the board!
362
00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:01,767
I hope
it's a soupy deuce, sucka.
363
00:15:04,088 --> 00:15:06,372
Deal. We're a team.
364
00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:13,462
I was all, "Do I look like
I'm from Ronkonkoma?!"
365
00:15:13,464 --> 00:15:15,414
Oh...!
366
00:15:15,416 --> 00:15:16,882
That's all you gotta say!
367
00:15:16,884 --> 00:15:18,634
Oh, oh, oh, big man
with a briefcase!
368
00:15:18,636 --> 00:15:20,469
What do you think,
you're better than me?!
369
00:15:22,940 --> 00:15:24,423
Hey, our stop's next.
370
00:15:24,425 --> 00:15:25,774
Do you want to join us?
371
00:15:25,776 --> 00:15:28,360
Yeah, I think we do.
Nah, we're good.
372
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:29,928
Too skanky.
373
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,814
Too skanky?
Eh...
374
00:15:31,816 --> 00:15:33,115
It's the Drunk Train.
375
00:15:33,117 --> 00:15:35,117
You crossed out
all the stops
376
00:15:35,119 --> 00:15:36,435
and wrote "Vaginaville."
377
00:15:36,437 --> 00:15:38,704
That's not true.
378
00:15:38,706 --> 00:15:41,240
That one says "Boner Gardens."
379
00:15:41,242 --> 00:15:43,775
What's going on?
380
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:48,013
Wait. Did that Quinn girl shake
your game or something?
381
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:49,882
Hell no!
382
00:15:49,884 --> 00:15:51,717
At the end of the night...
383
00:15:51,719 --> 00:15:53,001
You know,
I went out tonight
384
00:15:53,003 --> 00:15:56,055
looking for a cheap,
meaningless fling.
385
00:15:56,057 --> 00:15:58,924
But you turned out
to be so special.
386
00:15:58,926 --> 00:16:01,593
I'd hate to ruin this
friendship with sex.
387
00:16:01,595 --> 00:16:04,997
Oh, oh, I am willing
to take that risk.
388
00:16:04,999 --> 00:16:06,482
Good one, Ted.
389
00:16:06,484 --> 00:16:09,818
Anyway, I'm seriously
contemplating purchasing
390
00:16:09,820 --> 00:16:10,936
a new ironing board.
391
00:16:10,938 --> 00:16:12,771
Do you think...?
392
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:18,694
Okay, I'll give you this: You
stood by your boy all night,
393
00:16:18,696 --> 00:16:21,613
even though you have no chance
of getting with me.
394
00:16:21,615 --> 00:16:23,198
That was pretty cool.
395
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,168
Yeah, you know, in retrospect,
I think that was the moment
396
00:16:26,170 --> 00:16:29,121
you decided to come back
to my place and get nasty.
397
00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:31,156
Yeah, right.
398
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,791
Get up. You're on my bra.
399
00:16:32,793 --> 00:16:33,876
Sorry.
400
00:16:36,012 --> 00:16:37,246
Where's your bathroom?
401
00:16:37,248 --> 00:16:39,098
Past the kitchen, down the hall.
402
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,836
See, I feel like
I would remember
403
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:47,689
you two being naked on your
couch in the middle of the club.
404
00:16:47,691 --> 00:16:51,676
Oh, right. That was later in my
apartment after we got nasty.
405
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:52,694
My bad.
406
00:16:52,696 --> 00:16:55,030
So, you want to go
to a diner or something?
407
00:16:55,032 --> 00:16:56,231
Wait-wait-wait.
You slept with her?
408
00:16:56,233 --> 00:16:57,783
I know, I know.
409
00:16:57,785 --> 00:16:59,651
I'm late on sending
the pictures.
410
00:16:59,653 --> 00:17:01,286
I've been swamped.
411
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:02,738
You like Quinn.
I...
412
00:17:02,740 --> 00:17:04,907
That's why you can't stop
"complaining" about her.
413
00:17:04,909 --> 00:17:07,859
That's why you just tanked
our chance with these...
414
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,912
lovely innocent flowers.
415
00:17:09,914 --> 00:17:11,547
I don't even care
where we go,
416
00:17:11,549 --> 00:17:13,715
but I hate doing it
on the ground.
417
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,001
Barney, do you know why
418
00:17:16,003 --> 00:17:18,086
I'm on the Drunk Train
on Valentine's Day?
419
00:17:18,088 --> 00:17:20,589
Because I have nothing
better to do.
420
00:17:20,591 --> 00:17:22,758
No one I can't stop
thinking about.
421
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:25,744
So if you feel something
for Quinn, go for it.
422
00:17:25,746 --> 00:17:28,597
Because you're wasting
your time here.
423
00:17:28,599 --> 00:17:31,517
We both are.
424
00:17:33,436 --> 00:17:35,487
I don't like Quinn!
425
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,241
Kevin, I love you,
426
00:17:39,243 --> 00:17:41,109
but please don't
just be the nice guy
427
00:17:41,111 --> 00:17:43,412
who says the right thing.
428
00:17:43,414 --> 00:17:45,914
Robin, I want to marry you
no matter what.
429
00:17:45,916 --> 00:17:48,367
Assuming you don't turn
into a big fat fattie.
430
00:17:48,369 --> 00:17:49,368
See? Right there.
431
00:17:49,370 --> 00:17:51,086
Don't always say
the right thing.
432
00:17:51,088 --> 00:17:52,704
Look, you just got a truckload
433
00:17:52,706 --> 00:17:54,439
of new information
dumped on you.
434
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:55,624
Will you marry me?
435
00:17:55,626 --> 00:17:57,426
My feelings on kids
aren't gonna change.
436
00:17:57,428 --> 00:17:58,377
Will you marry me?
437
00:17:58,379 --> 00:17:59,595
Haven't you always wanted kids?
438
00:17:59,597 --> 00:18:01,413
That was before I fell in love
with you.
439
00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:02,747
Well, that's the thing.
440
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,801
Your future always
had kids in it.
441
00:18:05,803 --> 00:18:10,022
That is something huge you
would be giving up for me.
442
00:18:10,024 --> 00:18:15,077
I just don't think I could
ever owe someone that much.
443
00:18:15,079 --> 00:18:19,531
I'm scared that you'll...
wake up in-in a year
444
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:23,485
or ten or 50, full of regret.
445
00:18:23,487 --> 00:18:28,123
So... I need you
to be sure, okay?
446
00:18:28,125 --> 00:18:33,495
If we get married,
you will never have children.
447
00:18:33,497 --> 00:18:36,348
Are you really okay with that?
448
00:18:41,504 --> 00:18:44,122
Enormous Penis Syndrome?
449
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,307
E.P.S.
450
00:18:45,309 --> 00:18:46,758
It's all about awareness.
451
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,595
That's why we're doing
the fun run, the silent auction,
452
00:18:49,597 --> 00:18:50,646
the three-legged race.
453
00:18:50,648 --> 00:18:53,649
Of course, that's just one guy.
454
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,135
You know what?
455
00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:58,403
I can't do this.
456
00:18:58,405 --> 00:19:00,689
You can let me
out up here.
457
00:19:00,691 --> 00:19:02,491
Why? You got a girlfriend
or something?
458
00:19:04,694 --> 00:19:06,361
Maybe something.
459
00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:14,453
Kids, sometimes you realize
460
00:19:14,455 --> 00:19:18,674
the journey you've been taking
has reached its final stop.
461
00:19:18,676 --> 00:19:22,327
So, the question becomes:
462
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:25,097
Where do you go next?
463
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,303
Hey.
464
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,273
Are you okay?
465
00:19:34,275 --> 00:19:38,843
♪ A year from now,
we'll all be gone ♪
466
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:43,848
♪ All our friends
will move away ♪
467
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:49,338
♪ And they're going
to better places ♪
468
00:19:49,340 --> 00:19:54,242
♪ But our friends
will be gone away... ♪
469
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:58,213
So... he un-proposed.
470
00:19:58,215 --> 00:19:59,915
♪ Nothing is as it has been...
471
00:19:59,917 --> 00:20:02,301
We're over.
472
00:20:02,303 --> 00:20:06,471
And I-I... I-I know
it's for the best.
473
00:20:06,473 --> 00:20:08,307
It's just...
474
00:20:08,309 --> 00:20:12,594
I was finally ready
for something serious.
475
00:20:13,663 --> 00:20:17,983
He seemed like the guy
to take that next step with.
476
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:22,371
But he couldn't look past this.
477
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:25,357
I mean, who could?
478
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,694
I could.
479
00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:32,897
I love you, Robin.
480
00:20:40,077 --> 00:20:44,077
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
481
00:20:44,278 --> 00:20:46,467
You've been complaining
about this Barney guy so much,
482
00:20:46,469 --> 00:20:47,718
I'm starting to think
that you like him.
483
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,202
Like his apartment-- check.
484
00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:52,539
Like his moves downtown--
check plus.
485
00:20:52,541 --> 00:20:54,925
But like him? Ugh. Please.
486
00:20:54,927 --> 00:20:57,344
I'm just surprised
he doesn't recognize you.
487
00:20:57,346 --> 00:20:59,379
He practically lives here.
488
00:20:59,381 --> 00:21:01,065
Gentlemen, give it up for Karma.