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00:00:01,830 --> 00:00:04,000
Kids,
in the spring of 2012,
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00:00:04,002 --> 00:00:06,652
your Uncle Barney went off
the grid for a couple weeks.
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00:00:06,657 --> 00:00:08,690
So I was relieved
when I got a text
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00:00:08,692 --> 00:00:10,359
asking me to come over
to his place.
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00:00:10,361 --> 00:00:11,994
Glad to hear from you, buddy.
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00:00:11,996 --> 00:00:14,913
I was worried something
bad happened...
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00:00:15,915 --> 00:00:17,032
...to you.
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00:00:17,034 --> 00:00:18,566
Welcome, brother.
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00:00:18,568 --> 00:00:19,918
What is this?
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00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:23,589
Ted Evelyn Mosby,
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00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:24,840
you are about to be
sworn to secrecy
12
00:00:24,842 --> 00:00:27,926
through the sacred vows
of a Bro Oath,
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00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:30,212
or "Broath."
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Please, put on
your "brobe."
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00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:36,268
Yeah, I'm not putting on
the "brobe."
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00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:37,970
Ted, just...
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00:00:37,972 --> 00:00:40,422
just... Okay?
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00:00:40,424 --> 00:00:43,642
♪ Broooo... ♪
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00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:46,395
Wait, are they chanting "bro"?
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00:00:46,397 --> 00:00:47,762
♪ Bro... ♪
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00:00:47,764 --> 00:00:49,764
I got some local monks
to record this.
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Yeah! I got a monk guy.
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Cool, right?
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It actually is, yeah.
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I'll burn it for you.
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Just remind me after The Broath.
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00:00:56,707 --> 00:00:59,291
Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby,
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00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:04,612
this ritual forever binds you
to keep a solemn secret...
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00:01:04,614 --> 00:01:05,914
Which is?
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00:01:05,916 --> 00:01:07,549
I really like this Quinn girl!
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We've been spending
tons of time together,
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and I want the gang to meet her.
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but I'm afraid they're
gonna disapprove because,
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00:01:12,890 --> 00:01:16,308
- well, you know.
- I did know. You see,
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Quinn was a stripper...
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00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:21,013
who had swindled Barney out of
quite a bit of cash.
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00:01:21,015 --> 00:01:22,931
We're inviting everyone
to dinner at Quinn's,
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and I want them to
keep an open mind,
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which brings us to The Broath.
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Place your hand
on The Bro Code.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah...
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00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:33,141
Repeat after me.
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00:01:33,143 --> 00:01:36,862
I, Ted Evelyn Mosby...
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00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:41,116
"I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You
My Middle Name" Mosby..."
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00:01:41,118 --> 00:01:43,752
...solemnly swear not to
tell our friends
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that Quinn is
a stripper.
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"...solemnly swear not
to tell our friends
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that Quinn is a stripper" who
duped you out of lots of money.
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00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:51,793
You're only supposed
to repeat after me.
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00:01:51,795 --> 00:01:53,295
"You're only supposed
to repeat after me."
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- Stop it.
- Stop it.
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00:01:54,298 --> 00:01:56,631
Silence!
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Look, I know that things
started out sketchy
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with me and Quinn, but
I really like her, so please.
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Do you,
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Ted Middle-Name-Omitted Mosby,
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swear to uphold this Broath?
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I do.
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00:02:13,584 --> 00:02:16,618
Barney's dating a stripper
who's gonna steal all his money!
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00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:20,620
♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x19 ♪
The Broath
Original Air Date on March 19, 2012
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00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:24,641
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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Okay, time to go to
Quinn's. Now remember,
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I told you nothing, okay?
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Barney really wants
us all to like her.
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But how can we?
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Quinn totally duped Barney,
and he couldn't even see it.
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00:02:38,732 --> 00:02:41,099
Well, apparently, the sex
is mind-blowing.
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Ha, I've been there.
Yeah.
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00:02:43,937 --> 00:02:45,570
I was once with this chick
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who answered the door wearing
nothing but, uh, whipped cream,
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00:02:48,408 --> 00:02:50,775
a dog collar
and a hot pink thong.
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Marshall,
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you can't tell sex stories
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about "this chick," because
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everyone knows it's me.
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I'm the only woman
you've ever been with.
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It's not fair, the guys are
always telling their sex stories
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00:03:01,321 --> 00:03:02,921
and I can top
every one of them.
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Baby, you're like 20 slutty
chicks all rolled into one.
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Sweet talk is not going
to change my mind.
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Let's focus.
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Tonight, we want to make sure
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00:03:12,015 --> 00:03:14,265
that Quinn is not
out to scam Barney.
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00:03:14,267 --> 00:03:16,351
So, when we walk back
through that door
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three hours from now,
we should all be able
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00:03:18,722 --> 00:03:20,939
to answer one
simple question:
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Do we trust this girl?
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Well, for one thing,
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she seems kind of controlling.
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Is it okay if I put out
the hummus, bunny face?
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00:03:31,351 --> 00:03:32,734
No, save it for dessert.
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00:03:32,736 --> 00:03:34,152
Idiot.
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00:03:36,039 --> 00:03:38,072
Uh, ah...
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00:03:38,074 --> 00:03:40,158
More red wine, beauty-swan?
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She drinks a lot.
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00:03:43,479 --> 00:03:45,296
Is it okay if I
go pee, sugar lamb?
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No!
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You just went three hours ago.
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You're right, baby bear!
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00:03:53,807 --> 00:03:56,174
Yes, so Barney's whipped;
it doesn't mean
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00:03:56,176 --> 00:03:58,259
that Quinn is a con artist.
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00:03:58,261 --> 00:04:00,711
Well, maybe we could've gotten
a better read on her
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00:04:00,713 --> 00:04:03,398
if two people
hadn't gone off topic.
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00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,934
By the way, Quinn,
your apartment is amazing.
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00:04:05,936 --> 00:04:07,551
Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
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00:04:07,553 --> 00:04:09,821
I'm actually moving out soon.
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00:04:09,823 --> 00:04:11,606
If you know anyone
looking for a sublet,
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00:04:11,608 --> 00:04:12,574
this place is rent-controlled.
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You would not believe
what I pay.
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Kids,
things have been tense
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00:04:16,062 --> 00:04:17,695
between Robin and I for weeks.
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Ever since she moved out,
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and I gave the apartment
to Marshall and Lily,
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I'd been crashing
in university housing.
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It's 10:00,
damn it.
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Ned, Martin and Millie,
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people are trying to sleep!
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Hey, you were young
like us once, right?
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I was never like you guys.
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00:04:36,383 --> 00:04:39,601
And Robin was staying
with her coworker, Patrice.
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You seem so down today, Robin.
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I made you cookies.
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Damn it, Patrice,
stop smothering me!
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So, when Quinn said
her apartment was available...
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It's mine! It's mine! It's mine!
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00:04:52,399 --> 00:04:53,531
Dibs! Dibs! Dibs!
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We got off topic?
What about Marshall?
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Hey, I was just
going along with
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00:04:58,238 --> 00:05:00,455
whoever suggested
we play that game.
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Hey, let's play a game!
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00:05:01,741 --> 00:05:04,325
Uh, craziest
sex-in-public story; I'll start.
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00:05:04,327 --> 00:05:06,127
I was once with this chick
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00:05:06,129 --> 00:05:08,546
who loved to get freaky
in elevators.
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00:05:08,548 --> 00:05:09,947
Doors would close;
suddenly,
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00:05:09,949 --> 00:05:13,167
she's panting on all fours
like a dog in heat.
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Marshall, stop.
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I never said that it was you.
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Okay, so anyway, last August,
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I go bareback
with this same slut.
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She get's pregnant;
bitch is even hornier.
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00:05:26,832 --> 00:05:28,799
Oh, yeah? I was once
with this dude
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00:05:28,801 --> 00:05:30,935
who I caught eating
a sandwich during sex.
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Big ol' meatball
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00:05:32,405 --> 00:05:34,405
falls out, lands on my back,
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00:05:34,407 --> 00:05:36,640
rolls on to the elevator floor.
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00:05:36,642 --> 00:05:38,809
Hmm. Disgusting, right?
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00:05:39,495 --> 00:05:42,580
What, I never said it was you.
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00:05:42,582 --> 00:05:45,783
Yeah, sorry we didn't stay
as laser-focused as you guys.
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00:05:45,785 --> 00:05:48,152
Hey, at least I got
some evidence.
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00:05:48,154 --> 00:05:50,755
Look what I found
in Quinn's bedroom.
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00:05:50,757 --> 00:05:52,674
Barney's taking her to Hawaii.
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00:05:52,676 --> 00:05:54,592
Lily, you snooped
through her stuff?
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00:05:54,594 --> 00:05:56,878
No. It's like
the first thing you see
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00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:59,597
when you jimmy open her desk
drawer with a letter opener
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00:05:59,599 --> 00:06:02,333
her grandfather left her,
according to her diary.
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00:06:02,335 --> 00:06:03,768
First-class tickets,
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00:06:03,770 --> 00:06:06,137
a four-star hotel--
this cost Barney a fortune.
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00:06:06,139 --> 00:06:09,840
Yeah, this proves that Quinn is
totally using him for his money.
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00:06:09,842 --> 00:06:11,342
You know what Lily, enough.
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00:06:11,344 --> 00:06:13,844
Guys, even if you're right
about Quinn, this is Barney.
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He'll come to his senses.
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I give this whole thing
a week, two weeks, tops.
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And now, we have
an announcement.
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Can I tell them?
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No.
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We're moving in together
We're m...
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Congrats! That's great.
So happy for you.
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We gotta end this.
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Yup.
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Kids, as you'll recall,
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00:06:35,565 --> 00:06:38,349
our gang had a subtle way
of letting someone know
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00:06:38,351 --> 00:06:40,134
they were making a mistake.
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Where have you been?
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Oh, worth it. Hang on.
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00:06:45,312 --> 00:06:47,429
Hey.
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00:06:53,819 --> 00:06:56,054
You know we would've
hated ourselves, right?
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00:06:57,740 --> 00:06:59,390
So,
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00:06:59,392 --> 00:07:02,360
did Robin tell you the incredibly
devious thing she did today?
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Me?!
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00:07:04,563 --> 00:07:06,915
Hey, so I just happened
to be in the neighborhood
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00:07:06,917 --> 00:07:09,701
and I thought, "Man, Quinn
is in such great shape,
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00:07:09,703 --> 00:07:11,569
she must love fruit."
183
00:07:12,456 --> 00:07:14,255
So, unrelated,
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00:07:14,257 --> 00:07:16,007
how's the search for
a sub-letter going?
185
00:07:16,009 --> 00:07:19,511
This is such a
weird coincidence!
186
00:07:19,513 --> 00:07:21,796
Robin also "just happened"
to be in the neighborhood
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00:07:21,798 --> 00:07:25,583
with a bottle of wine
and her credit scores.
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00:07:31,691 --> 00:07:33,308
I can't believe you two.
189
00:07:33,310 --> 00:07:35,610
What do you care about more,
protecting your friend
190
00:07:35,612 --> 00:07:38,396
from getting hurt or scoring
this girl's apartment?
191
00:07:38,398 --> 00:07:39,981
There's a working fireplace!
192
00:07:39,983 --> 00:07:42,734
Patrice is ironing
my pants all wrong!
193
00:07:42,736 --> 00:07:44,569
You guys should be ashamed.
194
00:07:44,571 --> 00:07:46,371
Speaking of shame,
195
00:07:46,373 --> 00:07:48,940
I was once with this chick
who liked to do hand stuff
196
00:07:48,942 --> 00:07:50,658
underneath a jacket
while we were all
197
00:07:50,660 --> 00:07:52,460
sitting around our
favorite booth at MacLaren's.
198
00:07:52,462 --> 00:07:53,628
Gross.
199
00:07:53,630 --> 00:07:55,463
We share appetizers.
200
00:07:55,465 --> 00:07:58,216
Okay, well, I was once
with a dude
201
00:07:58,218 --> 00:08:00,785
who couldn't even fantasize
about a three-way.
202
00:08:00,787 --> 00:08:03,088
He was all,
"Ew, she's your best friend."
203
00:08:03,090 --> 00:08:04,055
What now?
204
00:08:04,057 --> 00:08:05,473
I was once with a
chick who wanted
205
00:08:05,475 --> 00:08:08,560
to get it on during a school
production of Peter Pan.
206
00:08:08,562 --> 00:08:10,612
Well, I...
Wait, that wasn't me.
207
00:08:11,897 --> 00:08:13,898
So, back to Patrice
and this ironing issue...
208
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:16,601
I thought I was the first girl
you ever did anything with.
209
00:08:16,603 --> 00:08:18,019
Anything serious.
210
00:08:18,021 --> 00:08:19,571
Please don't tell me that
you're jealous of me getting
211
00:08:19,573 --> 00:08:22,824
to second base in tenth grade
with Jenna Cristalli.
212
00:08:22,826 --> 00:08:26,111
Don't say that whore's name
in front of our baby.
213
00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:28,496
What's going on?
214
00:08:29,698 --> 00:08:32,333
Barney, this in an intervention.
215
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,154
A "Quinntervention."
216
00:08:36,156 --> 00:08:40,324
You and Quinn are moving really
fast, and we don't trust her.
217
00:08:40,326 --> 00:08:42,360
We're just looking out
for your best interests.
218
00:08:45,265 --> 00:08:47,866
"Quinn-terests."
219
00:08:47,868 --> 00:08:50,101
I don't understand. Wh...
220
00:08:50,103 --> 00:08:51,853
Wait a sec.
221
00:08:51,855 --> 00:08:54,272
Ted Evelyn Mosby...
222
00:08:54,274 --> 00:08:56,891
you broke The Broath.
223
00:08:56,893 --> 00:08:58,476
How dare you?!
224
00:08:58,478 --> 00:09:02,814
A Broath is the most sacred bond
between-- okay, yeah, I did.
225
00:09:02,816 --> 00:09:05,683
Are you aware that
breaking a Broath
226
00:09:05,685 --> 00:09:09,487
can have deadly,
even fatal repercussions?
227
00:09:09,489 --> 00:09:11,523
Have you studied history, Ted?
228
00:09:11,525 --> 00:09:13,191
Extensively.
But I'm a little shaky
229
00:09:13,193 --> 00:09:14,525
on fake history, so...
230
00:09:14,527 --> 00:09:16,407
The tragic cost of
a broken Broath
231
00:09:16,432 --> 00:09:17,046
Uh-huh.
232
00:09:17,047 --> 00:09:20,882
dates back to
Ancient Bro-man times...
233
00:09:22,802 --> 00:09:24,803
Hey, Bro-tus,
234
00:09:24,805 --> 00:09:27,222
you'd tell me if,
like, a bunch of dudes
235
00:09:27,224 --> 00:09:29,641
were conspiring to
assassinate me, right?
236
00:09:29,643 --> 00:09:33,061
Um, totally, Caesar.
237
00:09:33,063 --> 00:09:35,480
Paranoid much?
238
00:09:35,482 --> 00:09:37,715
Just to be sure,
239
00:09:37,717 --> 00:09:40,068
can you swear
a Broath to me?
240
00:09:40,070 --> 00:09:42,353
Sure. I swear.
241
00:09:42,355 --> 00:09:44,722
Thanks.
242
00:09:44,724 --> 00:09:46,941
You've always got my back.
243
00:10:07,296 --> 00:10:10,548
Et tu, Bro-te?
244
00:10:14,670 --> 00:10:17,438
And then he banged,
like, a hundred chicks
245
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,607
and invented a salad.
246
00:10:19,609 --> 00:10:21,092
True story.
247
00:10:21,094 --> 00:10:24,195
Well, Quinn lied to you;
she manipulated you.
248
00:10:24,197 --> 00:10:25,864
What if she's just using you?
249
00:10:25,866 --> 00:10:27,282
She's not just using me.
250
00:10:27,284 --> 00:10:29,100
What about the expensive
trip to Hawaii?
251
00:10:29,102 --> 00:10:31,703
What expensive trip to Hawaii?
252
00:10:31,705 --> 00:10:34,038
The one I got for you.
253
00:10:35,057 --> 00:10:37,125
That was supposed to be
a surprise for Barney.
254
00:10:37,127 --> 00:10:39,577
He asked me to meet him here.
255
00:10:39,579 --> 00:10:41,946
What's going on, you guys?
256
00:10:41,948 --> 00:10:43,798
Tell her.
257
00:10:44,884 --> 00:10:47,118
Fine,
I'll fill her in.
258
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,254
And I am so angry,
259
00:10:49,256 --> 00:10:52,423
I'm not even gonna make a joke
about "filling her in."
260
00:10:52,425 --> 00:10:54,809
Which I did three times
last night, self-five.
261
00:10:54,811 --> 00:10:57,478
My friends think
you're wrong for me,
262
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,430
so they're having
an intervention.
263
00:11:01,985 --> 00:11:04,435
A "Quinntervention."
264
00:11:04,437 --> 00:11:06,104
I don't understand.
265
00:11:06,106 --> 00:11:08,856
Well, see, your name
is Quinn, and so...
266
00:11:08,858 --> 00:11:10,525
I'll explain.
267
00:11:10,527 --> 00:11:14,746
I made Ted promise not to tell
them what you do, but he did,
268
00:11:14,748 --> 00:11:16,447
and now they don't trust you.
269
00:11:16,449 --> 00:11:19,951
Wow, that really hurts.
270
00:11:19,953 --> 00:11:21,135
But what's even worse
271
00:11:21,137 --> 00:11:24,322
is that you felt
the need to lie about me.
272
00:11:24,324 --> 00:11:26,624
I'm not ashamed of
who I am, Barney,
273
00:11:26,626 --> 00:11:28,659
but you clearly are.
274
00:11:28,661 --> 00:11:29,844
I'm not ashamed of you.
275
00:11:29,846 --> 00:11:32,096
I just didn't want them
to judge you without...
276
00:11:32,098 --> 00:11:33,932
Maybe we are moving too fast.
277
00:11:33,934 --> 00:11:36,000
What? What is that
supposed to mean?
278
00:11:36,002 --> 00:11:37,969
I don't think I can do this.
279
00:11:37,971 --> 00:11:41,356
Wait, are you ending things
just like that?
280
00:11:41,358 --> 00:11:44,642
If you walk out that door,
you prove them right.
281
00:11:44,644 --> 00:11:46,527
You prove that you're just
some heartless stripper
282
00:11:46,529 --> 00:11:48,796
who never gave a damn about me
in the...
283
00:11:51,016 --> 00:11:53,351
Don't call me.
284
00:11:55,822 --> 00:11:59,857
Wow. That
was intense.
285
00:12:07,230 --> 00:12:09,715
We just destroyed
what could have been
286
00:12:09,717 --> 00:12:12,568
a once-in-a-lifetime shot
at happiness.
287
00:12:12,570 --> 00:12:14,870
I know. I feel guilty, too.
288
00:12:14,872 --> 00:12:17,406
Fireplace, balcony,
289
00:12:17,408 --> 00:12:18,941
hardwood floors...
290
00:12:19,843 --> 00:12:20,876
Okay, I'll just say it:
291
00:12:20,878 --> 00:12:22,478
After everything that
happened between us,
292
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,529
I can't believe
you wouldn't
293
00:12:23,531 --> 00:12:25,981
back down and let me
have Quinn's place.
294
00:12:25,983 --> 00:12:28,984
Ted, can I talk to you
out in the hall?
295
00:12:30,019 --> 00:12:33,372
Has it ever occurred to you
296
00:12:33,374 --> 00:12:36,325
that the last few weeks haven't
been easy for me either?
297
00:12:36,327 --> 00:12:39,962
In the span of one day,
my engagement fell apart,
298
00:12:39,964 --> 00:12:42,715
I lost my best friend,
then I lost my apartment.
299
00:12:42,717 --> 00:12:45,017
And-and now I'm about
to lose my job.
300
00:12:45,019 --> 00:12:46,051
What do you mean?
301
00:12:47,204 --> 00:12:50,356
I-I've been completely
distracted at work.
302
00:12:50,358 --> 00:12:53,759
And now my boss wants to see me
Friday at 5:00,
303
00:12:53,761 --> 00:12:56,979
which, around the office,
is known as "fire o'clock."
304
00:12:56,981 --> 00:12:58,764
I had no idea.
305
00:12:58,766 --> 00:13:00,032
How could you?
306
00:13:00,034 --> 00:13:03,352
The one person I want to talk
to most barely looks me
307
00:13:03,354 --> 00:13:05,955
in the eye anymore,
much less returns my calls.
308
00:13:05,957 --> 00:13:09,408
Ted, I know it took guts
to tell me you love me.
309
00:13:09,410 --> 00:13:13,228
And I-I know how much it hurt
that I didn't say it back,
310
00:13:13,230 --> 00:13:14,830
but...
311
00:13:14,832 --> 00:13:18,767
Damn it, th-this sucks
for me, too.
312
00:13:18,769 --> 00:13:21,503
And I-I miss you.
313
00:13:22,605 --> 00:13:27,910
Is there any way we can just...
go back to normal?
314
00:13:27,912 --> 00:13:33,349
I don't think
I can do normal anymore.
315
00:13:35,086 --> 00:13:38,721
Barney still
isn't answering.
316
00:13:38,723 --> 00:13:41,590
We gotta go find him
and apologize.
317
00:13:44,261 --> 00:13:47,780
Oh. I thought you were Quinn.
318
00:13:47,782 --> 00:13:50,032
Barney, we're so sorry.
319
00:13:50,034 --> 00:13:52,100
We never should've
meddled like that.
320
00:13:52,102 --> 00:13:53,869
Can you forgive us?
I don't know.
321
00:13:53,871 --> 00:13:55,654
You had no right to do that.
322
00:13:55,656 --> 00:13:57,456
How can we make it
up to you, buddy?
323
00:13:59,493 --> 00:14:03,245
I, one of Barney's
best friends...
324
00:14:03,247 --> 00:14:06,081
"I, one of Barney's
best friends..."
325
00:14:06,083 --> 00:14:09,835
...promise never to interfere
with his personal life again...
326
00:14:09,837 --> 00:14:14,073
"...promise never to interfere
with his personal life again..."
327
00:14:14,075 --> 00:14:17,676
...unless it's an issue of
health, national security,
328
00:14:17,678 --> 00:14:19,478
or he's about to get up
on a fattie.
329
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:23,965
"...unless it's an issue of
health, national security,
330
00:14:23,967 --> 00:14:26,968
or he's about to
get up on a fattie."
331
00:14:26,970 --> 00:14:31,357
And now, to seal
this sacred vow,
332
00:14:31,359 --> 00:14:33,158
the two ladies will kiss.
Barney...
333
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,977
The two ladies will kiss!
334
00:14:39,699 --> 00:14:41,250
Mmm.
335
00:14:42,485 --> 00:14:43,819
Lil...
336
00:14:43,821 --> 00:14:45,371
Okay.
337
00:14:45,373 --> 00:14:46,655
And now the gentlemen.
338
00:14:46,657 --> 00:14:47,923
Dude...
339
00:14:47,925 --> 00:14:50,292
And now the gentlemen!
340
00:14:50,294 --> 00:14:54,680
Let's just...
This is silly.
341
00:14:56,599 --> 00:14:58,934
Don't-don't touch
my face.
342
00:15:02,605 --> 00:15:03,839
I was going to say,
343
00:15:03,841 --> 00:15:05,507
"And now the gentlemen
bump fists."
344
00:15:05,509 --> 00:15:07,309
How long you been holding
back that one?
345
00:15:07,311 --> 00:15:10,562
Hot stuff, fellas.
346
00:15:10,564 --> 00:15:12,598
Did I see a little tongue
in there?
347
00:15:13,483 --> 00:15:15,200
I don't understand.
348
00:15:15,202 --> 00:15:16,452
Well, if these two
349
00:15:16,454 --> 00:15:18,537
will keep their sweaty paws
off each other
350
00:15:18,539 --> 00:15:19,788
for half a second, I'll explain.
351
00:15:19,790 --> 00:15:21,690
It all started
a couple days ago...
352
00:15:21,692 --> 00:15:23,358
I want you to meet
my friends.
353
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:24,960
Should I be nervous?
354
00:15:24,962 --> 00:15:26,879
Is it like bringing me home
to meet your parents?
355
00:15:26,881 --> 00:15:27,996
No, no, no.
356
00:15:27,998 --> 00:15:29,531
Much more stressful than that.
357
00:15:29,533 --> 00:15:31,967
You see, my friends, while
awesome, can be presumptuous,
358
00:15:31,969 --> 00:15:34,303
meddlesome and
downright destructive.
359
00:15:34,305 --> 00:15:36,722
When they learn what
you do and how we met,
360
00:15:36,724 --> 00:15:38,173
they'll probably try
to break us up.
361
00:15:38,175 --> 00:15:40,392
So let's have
some fun with them.
362
00:15:40,394 --> 00:15:41,877
Mess with their heads.
363
00:15:41,879 --> 00:15:45,013
Are you saying...
evil plan?
364
00:15:45,015 --> 00:15:46,648
Hells to the yes.
365
00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:48,851
My God, you're hot.
366
00:15:48,853 --> 00:15:49,885
Wait for it.
367
00:15:49,887 --> 00:15:51,570
Here's what we do.
368
00:15:51,572 --> 00:15:54,907
I'll make Ted swear not to tell
anyone what he knows about you,
369
00:15:54,909 --> 00:15:56,558
and he'll cave immediately.
370
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,644
Barney's dating a stripper
who's gonna steal all his money!
371
00:15:58,646 --> 00:15:59,645
Next, we invite everyone over.
372
00:15:59,647 --> 00:16:01,280
I'll keep saying stuff like:
373
00:16:01,282 --> 00:16:03,248
Is it okay if I put out
the hummus, bunny face?
374
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:04,750
- And I'll be the bossy-
375
00:16:04,752 --> 00:16:07,286
No, save it for dessert, idiot.
376
00:16:07,288 --> 00:16:08,570
Nice.
377
00:16:08,572 --> 00:16:09,955
And, finally, we'll announce...
378
00:16:09,957 --> 00:16:11,523
We're moving in together!
379
00:16:11,525 --> 00:16:12,875
I've got an idea.
380
00:16:12,877 --> 00:16:14,543
Let's get your friends
Ted and Robin
381
00:16:14,545 --> 00:16:15,844
fighting over my apartment.
382
00:16:15,846 --> 00:16:17,913
Wait, what does that have
to do with you and me?
383
00:16:17,915 --> 00:16:19,431
Nothing. I just
worship chaos.
384
00:16:19,433 --> 00:16:21,266
I can't handle how hot
you are right now.
385
00:16:21,268 --> 00:16:23,469
Wait for it.
Next,
386
00:16:23,471 --> 00:16:26,138
they'll try to talk me
into dumping you.
387
00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:27,422
And I'll walk in on it.
388
00:16:27,424 --> 00:16:28,357
Then we pretend to break up.
389
00:16:28,359 --> 00:16:29,975
And when they crawl back,
390
00:16:29,977 --> 00:16:31,343
begging for forgiveness...
391
00:16:31,345 --> 00:16:33,479
I'll be the bigger man
and let them off the hook.
392
00:16:33,481 --> 00:16:35,948
Or make the monkeys
dance for you.
393
00:16:35,950 --> 00:16:37,900
God, you're smart!
394
00:16:37,902 --> 00:16:40,369
It's gonna be legen...
395
00:16:40,371 --> 00:16:43,155
I'm not waiting for
it anymore. Mmm...
396
00:16:43,157 --> 00:16:45,307
...dary.
397
00:16:46,626 --> 00:16:48,944
My God, you two are...
398
00:16:48,946 --> 00:16:50,462
Perfect together.
399
00:16:50,464 --> 00:16:52,414
So you're not really moving in?
400
00:16:52,416 --> 00:16:53,966
Well, it started
out as a joke,
401
00:16:53,968 --> 00:16:55,751
but the more we
talked about it...
402
00:16:55,753 --> 00:16:57,302
The more excited we got.
403
00:16:57,304 --> 00:16:59,621
So, yeah, we are.
404
00:16:59,623 --> 00:17:02,724
You have anything
to say about that?
405
00:17:02,726 --> 00:17:05,644
So happy for you.
Congratulations.
406
00:17:07,564 --> 00:17:08,730
Thank you.
407
00:17:08,732 --> 00:17:10,232
Thank you.
408
00:17:11,017 --> 00:17:13,101
You two realize this means
409
00:17:13,103 --> 00:17:15,420
my apartment really is
up for grabs, right?
410
00:17:16,823 --> 00:17:18,774
I'm sure I'll find
something else.
411
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:20,442
- Me, too.
- Yeah.
412
00:17:20,444 --> 00:17:24,079
And that's the story
of how we met Quinn.
413
00:17:24,081 --> 00:17:28,083
That Friday, I met Robin to see
how it went at "fire o'clock."
414
00:17:28,085 --> 00:17:31,319
They promoted me
to on-air talent.
415
00:17:31,321 --> 00:17:33,321
I'm gonna be
Sandy Rivers' new co-host.
416
00:17:33,323 --> 00:17:34,656
Oh, my God!
417
00:17:34,658 --> 00:17:35,824
How'd that happen?
418
00:17:35,826 --> 00:17:36,875
Remember New Year's Eve?
419
00:17:36,877 --> 00:17:39,327
When I filled in for Sandy,
it turns out
420
00:17:39,329 --> 00:17:41,663
the C.E.O.
of World Wide News liked me.
421
00:17:41,665 --> 00:17:43,164
He said I have "moxie."
422
00:17:43,166 --> 00:17:44,967
So he's a 1940s gangster?
423
00:17:44,969 --> 00:17:46,334
Apparently.
424
00:17:46,336 --> 00:17:49,170
And I got a big raise,
425
00:17:49,172 --> 00:17:52,608
so I'm taking this apartment
on Central Park West,
426
00:17:52,610 --> 00:17:53,692
which means...
427
00:17:53,694 --> 00:17:55,060
Quinn's apartment.
428
00:17:55,062 --> 00:17:56,461
I already told her
you'd take it.
429
00:17:56,463 --> 00:18:00,032
Wow. Thanks.
430
00:18:00,034 --> 00:18:01,033
Yeah.
431
00:18:01,035 --> 00:18:02,350
Hey, and congrats.
432
00:18:02,352 --> 00:18:04,102
You deserve it all.
433
00:18:05,188 --> 00:18:09,691
You know, I've been
thinking about it, and...
434
00:18:09,693 --> 00:18:11,209
I can do normal.
435
00:18:11,211 --> 00:18:13,245
To back to normal.
436
00:18:13,247 --> 00:18:14,079
To back to normal.
437
00:18:22,505 --> 00:18:26,041
Uh... I-I should get going.
Yeah.
438
00:18:26,043 --> 00:18:27,476
You've got a lot to do.
Totally.
439
00:18:27,478 --> 00:18:28,877
So...
Um, see you soon.
440
00:18:28,879 --> 00:18:29,711
See you soon.
441
00:18:29,713 --> 00:18:31,212
Yeah.
442
00:18:31,214 --> 00:18:33,515
We wouldn't see each other
for a long time.
443
00:18:33,517 --> 00:18:36,551
But I'll get to that.
444
00:18:36,553 --> 00:18:38,353
Listen, um...
445
00:18:38,355 --> 00:18:41,056
about me getting to second base
in tenth grade
446
00:18:41,058 --> 00:18:42,390
with Jenna Cristalli...
447
00:18:42,392 --> 00:18:43,909
I don't know what you're
talking about.
448
00:18:43,911 --> 00:18:46,411
I've already forgotten
about that dumb hobag.
449
00:18:46,413 --> 00:18:50,231
Yeah, um, it didn't happen while
we were watching Peter Pan.
450
00:18:50,233 --> 00:18:54,235
It happened while I was
playing Peter Pan.
451
00:18:54,237 --> 00:18:57,506
Here's a photo
from the day I was cast.
452
00:18:57,508 --> 00:18:59,741
That's me in the middle.
453
00:18:59,743 --> 00:19:01,743
But then I had my growth spurt.
454
00:19:01,745 --> 00:19:05,097
By opening night, I was too big
for the flying harness,
455
00:19:05,099 --> 00:19:07,265
and, well...
456
00:19:08,935 --> 00:19:13,722
I fell hands-first
right onto Jenna Cristalli.
457
00:19:13,724 --> 00:19:16,808
The tissues in her bra saved me
two broken wrists.
458
00:19:16,810 --> 00:19:18,226
I'm sorry. I just, I just wanted
459
00:19:18,228 --> 00:19:20,696
to have one cool
sex story that wasn't you.
460
00:19:20,698 --> 00:19:23,982
Okay. Next time you tell it,
you were in your dad's car,
461
00:19:23,984 --> 00:19:27,119
which you stole to go
to a Metallica concert,
462
00:19:27,121 --> 00:19:31,289
and you got to third base
with that slut.
463
00:19:33,159 --> 00:19:35,911
I was once with this chick...
464
00:19:35,913 --> 00:19:39,698
who is just
the best wife ever.
465
00:19:43,169 --> 00:19:45,470
Thank you for being so cool
about what I do.
466
00:19:45,472 --> 00:19:47,506
A lot of guys would be
weird or jealous.
467
00:19:47,508 --> 00:19:48,640
Are you kidding?
468
00:19:48,642 --> 00:19:50,959
Who am I to judge
anyone? I'm the devil!
469
00:19:55,181 --> 00:19:56,481
I mean, if you ever
470
00:19:56,483 --> 00:19:58,466
wanted to stop stripping,
I'd support it.
471
00:19:58,468 --> 00:20:00,936
- If you wanted... to.
- Uh-huh.
472
00:20:00,938 --> 00:20:03,071
So, you are jealous?
473
00:20:03,073 --> 00:20:05,157
What? No, no, not at all.
474
00:20:05,159 --> 00:20:07,159
I'm just saying,
if you ever wanted to hang up
475
00:20:07,161 --> 00:20:09,861
the ol' G-string,
I'd completely understand.
476
00:20:09,863 --> 00:20:12,748
Nah, I like taking my clothes
off for money.
477
00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:13,782
Great.
478
00:20:13,784 --> 00:20:16,201
Let me... let me finish.
479
00:20:16,203 --> 00:20:20,822
Hypothetically,
what would make you stop?
480
00:20:20,824 --> 00:20:23,091
Hypothetically...
481
00:20:23,093 --> 00:20:28,163
I would stop stripping
if I ever got married.
482
00:20:28,165 --> 00:20:29,431
Good night.
483
00:20:36,291 --> 00:20:39,076
And then we agreed
to "go back to normal."
484
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:46,126
But I'm starting to wonder if we
can ever really just be friends.
485
00:20:46,128 --> 00:20:51,548
Anyway, that's the story of me
and Robin, 2005 to the present.
486
00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:52,883
What do you think?
487
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:55,002
I think your stories
are way too long.
488
00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:59,439
I feel bad
for his future kids, dude.
489
00:20:59,441 --> 00:21:04,444
Hey, my kids are gonna
love my stories.
490
00:21:04,446 --> 00:21:08,365
They're gonna... yeah, they're
gonna love my stories.
491
00:21:08,390 --> 00:21:12,390
== sync, corrected by elderman ==