1
00:00:06,701 --> 00:00:08,557
This is the life.
2
00:00:08,558 --> 00:00:09,921
We got the three B's.
3
00:00:09,922 --> 00:00:12,773
Beach, booze
and bodacious babes.
4
00:00:12,775 --> 00:00:14,308
I don't know.
5
00:00:14,310 --> 00:00:16,310
I'm starting to think
we should call the police.
6
00:00:16,312 --> 00:00:17,978
Oh, would you relax?
7
00:00:17,980 --> 00:00:19,512
We've got it made.
8
00:00:19,514 --> 00:00:21,615
One whole week
at his bodacious beach house,
9
00:00:21,617 --> 00:00:23,967
no strings attached.
10
00:00:23,969 --> 00:00:26,954
Well, there is one
string attached.
11
00:00:28,856 --> 00:00:30,774
Hi, Barney.
12
00:00:38,049 --> 00:00:40,968
Bodacious.
13
00:00:40,970 --> 00:00:42,669
"Weekend at Barney's!"
14
00:00:42,671 --> 00:00:44,004
What is it? What's wrong?
15
00:00:44,006 --> 00:00:46,423
The plays, Robin, the plays.
16
00:00:46,425 --> 00:00:48,925
The ingenious techniques I used
as a bachelor
17
00:00:48,927 --> 00:00:50,644
to pick up busty dullards.
18
00:00:50,646 --> 00:00:52,929
They just keep coming to me;
I can't turn them off.
19
00:00:52,931 --> 00:00:55,399
Okay, Barney, let me
ease your mind, okay?
20
00:00:55,401 --> 00:00:56,933
All right, here we go.
21
00:00:56,935 --> 00:00:58,151
Remember when you set
22
00:00:58,153 --> 00:01:00,187
your Playbook on fire?
23
00:01:05,693 --> 00:01:08,996
That was the moment I realized
you were someone I could marry.
24
00:01:08,998 --> 00:01:11,615
And I'd burn it again
if I could.
25
00:01:11,617 --> 00:01:12,799
You're right.
26
00:01:12,801 --> 00:01:14,084
I'm done with all these plays.
27
00:01:14,086 --> 00:01:16,203
Besides, there's no way
I'll ever come up
28
00:01:16,205 --> 00:01:18,872
with anything that tops
"Weekend at Barney's."
29
00:01:25,713 --> 00:01:27,180
"Weekend at Barney's Two!"
30
00:01:27,182 --> 00:01:29,279
Damn it, Barney!
31
00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:33,280
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x18 ♪
Weekend at Barney's
Original Air Date on February 25, 2013
32
00:01:33,305 --> 00:01:38,305
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
33
00:01:42,230 --> 00:01:44,114
So, there's this big
34
00:01:44,116 --> 00:01:45,765
gallery opening tonight.
35
00:01:45,767 --> 00:01:49,036
Oh, we'd love to, but
we've got this, um...
36
00:01:49,038 --> 00:01:50,620
Genesis reunion,
Madison Square Garden,
37
00:01:50,622 --> 00:01:51,771
front row.
38
00:01:51,773 --> 00:01:52,939
It's gonna be legend...
39
00:01:52,941 --> 00:01:54,041
I wasn't inviting you guys.
40
00:01:54,043 --> 00:01:56,960
Oh, thank God.
There is no concert.
41
00:01:56,962 --> 00:01:58,611
As the captain's
new art buyer,
42
00:01:58,613 --> 00:02:01,298
I have to go schmooze
this up-and-coming artist,
43
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:02,632
Strickland Stevens,
44
00:02:02,634 --> 00:02:05,218
so we get first dibs
on all his new stuff.
45
00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:06,887
And I'll be helping
Lily seal the deal
46
00:02:06,889 --> 00:02:08,621
by impressing
the intelligentsia
47
00:02:08,623 --> 00:02:10,290
with some art-related
hilarity.
48
00:02:10,292 --> 00:02:12,792
I've prepared some jokes.
49
00:02:12,794 --> 00:02:15,762
Why couldn't the art
dealer pay his rent?
50
00:02:15,764 --> 00:02:16,813
I don't know. Why?
51
00:02:16,815 --> 00:02:18,131
This is gonna be rough.
52
00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:21,351
Because he ran
out of Monet.
53
00:02:21,353 --> 00:02:22,436
You're gonna get that
54
00:02:22,438 --> 00:02:24,438
on the walk home.
How about this one?
55
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,356
You know what, we'd...
we'd love to hear it,
56
00:02:26,358 --> 00:02:27,991
but we've got that,
um... that...
57
00:02:27,993 --> 00:02:30,277
Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall,
backstage pass. Let's go.
58
00:02:30,279 --> 00:02:32,270
We don't want to miss
whatever their big song was.
59
00:02:32,295 --> 00:02:32,747
Yeah.
60
00:02:32,748 --> 00:02:35,648
Your wedding response card,
as promised.
61
00:02:35,650 --> 00:02:38,118
Why didn't you just mail
it like everybody else?
62
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,437
Oh, see, that's sad, Robin.
63
00:02:40,439 --> 00:02:42,873
You should be touched
that I hand-delivered it.
64
00:02:42,875 --> 00:02:47,260
Has social media so eroded
our interpersonal relationships
65
00:02:47,262 --> 00:02:48,929
that we no longer wish
to experience the...
66
00:02:48,931 --> 00:02:50,013
You wanted to
keep the stamp?
67
00:02:50,015 --> 00:02:51,098
They're 46 cents now.
68
00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,132
It's getting out of hand.
69
00:02:52,134 --> 00:02:55,719
"Your invitation
is joyfully accepted
70
00:02:55,721 --> 00:02:58,855
by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette""
71
00:03:00,209 --> 00:03:01,641
Kids, as you'll recall,
72
00:03:01,643 --> 00:03:02,976
Jeanette was
the last girl I dated
73
00:03:02,978 --> 00:03:04,027
before I met your mother.
74
00:03:04,029 --> 00:03:05,061
My friends only had
75
00:03:05,063 --> 00:03:06,346
one tiny problem with her.
76
00:03:08,316 --> 00:03:10,350
She was nuts.
77
00:03:11,319 --> 00:03:13,069
So you're bringing
a plus one?
78
00:03:13,071 --> 00:03:14,788
If you count the
voices in her head,
79
00:03:14,790 --> 00:03:16,239
it's plus five.
80
00:03:16,241 --> 00:03:17,924
Guys, I'm bringing her,
81
00:03:17,926 --> 00:03:19,826
and you're gonna love
having her there.
82
00:03:19,828 --> 00:03:21,661
Oh, and, um, by the way,
83
00:03:21,663 --> 00:03:23,547
just so this doesn't turn
into an argument later,
84
00:03:23,549 --> 00:03:24,714
the dress she's gonna wear
85
00:03:24,716 --> 00:03:26,236
isn't technically white;
it's eggshell.
86
00:03:26,818 --> 00:03:28,802
The shoes are white, though.
87
00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:30,754
And the gloves.
88
00:03:30,756 --> 00:03:32,839
And the veil.
Well, see you guys.
89
00:03:33,457 --> 00:03:35,275
No, no, no.
Mosby! Get...
90
00:03:38,896 --> 00:03:40,680
Oh, my God, what happened?
91
00:03:40,682 --> 00:03:42,882
Oh, I trashed your apartment.
92
00:03:42,884 --> 00:03:44,100
See, I got bored,
93
00:03:44,102 --> 00:03:46,436
so I started going
through all your e-mails.
94
00:03:46,438 --> 00:03:48,855
Sure.
And I found one from a woman
95
00:03:48,857 --> 00:03:51,074
with the subject line,
"big penis orgasms,"
96
00:03:51,076 --> 00:03:53,076
so naturally,
I smashed your plates,
97
00:03:53,078 --> 00:03:54,894
knifed your mattress,
peed in your drawers,
98
00:03:54,896 --> 00:03:56,813
the whole nine, but then,
99
00:03:56,815 --> 00:03:58,898
while I was upper-decking
your toilet,
100
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,700
I actually read the e-mail.
101
00:04:00,702 --> 00:04:03,086
Turns out it was spam.
102
00:04:03,838 --> 00:04:05,539
Classic Jeanette, huh?
103
00:04:05,541 --> 00:04:07,340
Oh, my God.
104
00:04:07,342 --> 00:04:10,594
You are certifiably insane...
105
00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:13,013
...about me.
106
00:04:13,015 --> 00:04:14,548
Come here, you knucklehead.
107
00:04:14,550 --> 00:04:15,849
I can't stay mad at you.
108
00:04:15,851 --> 00:04:17,417
Ted, Ted,
I'm breaking up with you.
109
00:04:17,419 --> 00:04:18,435
You're just
110
00:04:18,437 --> 00:04:19,752
so intense,
111
00:04:19,754 --> 00:04:22,105
and it's all moving
way too fast.
112
00:04:22,107 --> 00:04:23,356
Here's your key back.
113
00:04:24,258 --> 00:04:25,758
I never gave you a key.
114
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,611
And here's
your grandmother's ring.
115
00:04:27,613 --> 00:04:30,063
She was buried wearing this.
116
00:04:30,065 --> 00:04:31,948
And just like that,
117
00:04:31,950 --> 00:04:33,350
it was over.
118
00:04:34,418 --> 00:04:35,452
I texted Barney and Robin.
119
00:04:35,454 --> 00:04:36,603
I'm sure they're over the moon
120
00:04:36,605 --> 00:04:37,737
that Jeanette's not coming
to the wedding.
121
00:04:37,739 --> 00:04:40,373
Oh, no, Ted, no.
122
00:04:40,375 --> 00:04:43,410
They're not gonna be
happy about you being sad.
123
00:04:43,412 --> 00:04:44,878
They broke up!
124
00:04:46,781 --> 00:04:48,381
Ted, respectfully,
125
00:04:48,383 --> 00:04:51,051
are you sure that this was
the right girl for you?
126
00:04:51,053 --> 00:04:52,335
Of course not.
127
00:04:52,337 --> 00:04:53,837
She was crazy.
128
00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:55,672
Absolutely a nightmare.
129
00:04:55,674 --> 00:04:57,123
It's totally not worth
the trouble.
130
00:04:57,125 --> 00:04:58,958
I mean, no matter how...
131
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,645
no matter how great the sex was.
132
00:05:01,647 --> 00:05:03,747
Uh-oh.
Stay with us, buddy.
133
00:05:03,749 --> 00:05:06,433
No matter how hot and passionate
134
00:05:06,435 --> 00:05:08,735
and surprising,
135
00:05:08,737 --> 00:05:10,437
possibly illegal...
136
00:05:10,439 --> 00:05:12,539
I don't like this.
Me, neither.
137
00:05:12,541 --> 00:05:14,574
I'm gonna win her back.
138
00:05:16,328 --> 00:05:19,079
Barney and Robin are gonna be
so happy I'm happy.
139
00:05:19,081 --> 00:05:21,031
I know.
140
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:23,617
I know.
141
00:05:23,619 --> 00:05:26,419
Did you just unhook my bra?
142
00:05:26,421 --> 00:05:28,788
Shh. There, there.
143
00:05:28,790 --> 00:05:31,157
That night was
the big gallery show.
144
00:05:31,159 --> 00:05:33,009
Hey. I'm so sorry.
145
00:05:33,011 --> 00:05:34,933
I decided to grab a snack
from the bodega.
146
00:05:34,958 --> 00:05:35,596
Why?
147
00:05:35,597 --> 00:05:36,796
They'll have food
at the gallery.
148
00:05:36,798 --> 00:05:38,381
Oh, come on,
these places never have food.
149
00:05:38,383 --> 00:05:39,466
It's fine.
150
00:05:39,468 --> 00:05:41,000
I got some Skittles.
151
00:05:41,002 --> 00:05:44,354
That was the last bag
of Skittles
152
00:05:44,356 --> 00:05:46,690
your Uncle Marshall
would ever buy.
153
00:05:46,692 --> 00:05:49,893
Meanwhile, I headed over
to Jeanette's place
154
00:05:49,895 --> 00:05:52,145
to win her back.
155
00:05:58,519 --> 00:06:00,236
What the hell?
156
00:06:00,238 --> 00:06:01,738
I can't let you do this, Ted.
157
00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:03,523
I want Jeanette back.
158
00:06:03,525 --> 00:06:05,742
Well, then accept my apology.
159
00:06:05,744 --> 00:06:07,377
For what?
160
00:06:07,379 --> 00:06:09,245
This.
161
00:06:13,847 --> 00:06:16,929
Ow, ow, ow! Damn it!
You're strong.
162
00:06:17,029 --> 00:06:18,562
That's just from Pilates?
163
00:06:18,564 --> 00:06:19,930
Twice a week.
164
00:06:19,932 --> 00:06:22,566
Look, I don't want you
getting back with Jeanette.
165
00:06:22,568 --> 00:06:25,152
Ted, what is my one rule?
166
00:06:25,154 --> 00:06:27,054
You can tell how old a girl is
by her elbows?
167
00:06:27,056 --> 00:06:28,322
My other one rule.
168
00:06:28,324 --> 00:06:30,074
Flaxseed relieves upset stomach?
169
00:06:30,076 --> 00:06:31,274
My other one rule.
170
00:06:31,276 --> 00:06:32,659
Always have a fake pair
of concert tickets
171
00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:34,678
in your pocket in case Lily
invites you to something stupid?
172
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:35,766
My other one rule.
173
00:06:35,791 --> 00:06:37,599
Lebanese girls sprint to third
base and then stay there?
174
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,600
My other one rule.
New is always better.
175
00:06:39,602 --> 00:06:40,968
New is always better!
176
00:06:40,970 --> 00:06:42,469
Exactly, Ted.
177
00:06:42,471 --> 00:06:44,388
You want to invite a date
to our wedding,
178
00:06:44,390 --> 00:06:45,923
it is not gonna be Jeanette.
179
00:06:45,925 --> 00:06:47,624
It is gonna be someone new.
180
00:06:47,626 --> 00:06:49,893
And I am gonna help you
find her
181
00:06:49,895 --> 00:06:52,179
with a little help from...
182
00:06:53,131 --> 00:06:54,181
The Playbook.
183
00:06:54,183 --> 00:06:55,399
The Playbook?
184
00:06:55,401 --> 00:06:56,517
Didn't you burn that?
185
00:06:56,519 --> 00:06:58,352
Oh, I didn't burn the real one.
186
00:06:58,354 --> 00:07:00,771
That was
the ceremonial playbook
187
00:07:00,773 --> 00:07:02,189
for parades,
188
00:07:02,191 --> 00:07:03,357
mall openings,
189
00:07:03,359 --> 00:07:04,775
inaugurations, stuff like that.
190
00:07:04,777 --> 00:07:06,743
That's a pretty big secret
to keep from Robin.
191
00:07:06,745 --> 00:07:08,829
Which is exactly
why I'm trusting you,
192
00:07:08,831 --> 00:07:11,165
my best bro,
to never let her know
193
00:07:11,167 --> 00:07:13,033
that the Playbook still exists.
194
00:07:13,484 --> 00:07:15,318
Pinky swear?
195
00:07:16,154 --> 00:07:17,921
Fine.
196
00:07:17,923 --> 00:07:19,623
Wow.
197
00:07:21,593 --> 00:07:23,326
See, I told you.
198
00:07:23,328 --> 00:07:26,463
Thank God I snuck in
this bag of goodness.
199
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:30,434
There's Strickland Stevens.
200
00:07:30,436 --> 00:07:31,835
Wow.
201
00:07:31,837 --> 00:07:33,687
Even his scarf
is up-and-coming.
202
00:07:33,689 --> 00:07:37,357
Are you gonna be okay
by yourself for a few minutes?
203
00:07:37,359 --> 00:07:39,109
Yeah, of course.
Why wouldn't I be?
204
00:07:39,111 --> 00:07:42,146
Well, you're sitting
on an $80,000 sculpture.
205
00:07:42,148 --> 00:07:43,981
For 80 grand,
206
00:07:43,983 --> 00:07:45,866
you'd think it
would be more comfortable.
207
00:07:45,868 --> 00:07:47,401
Lil, I'll be fine.
208
00:07:47,403 --> 00:07:49,536
Do you know
who you're talking to?
209
00:07:49,538 --> 00:07:51,905
In high school,
I was voted most outgoing
210
00:07:51,907 --> 00:07:54,158
freshman, sophomore
and senior year.
211
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,043
What happened junior year?
212
00:07:57,378 --> 00:07:59,196
Egdud Ferhaki,
213
00:07:59,198 --> 00:08:01,698
that outgoing son of a bitch.
214
00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:04,367
He beat you for most outgoing?
215
00:08:04,369 --> 00:08:06,503
Huh? Oh, no, we tied.
216
00:08:09,357 --> 00:08:11,875
Look, the point is, I can make
friends anywhere, even here.
217
00:08:11,877 --> 00:08:14,228
Thanks, baby.
You got it.
218
00:08:16,182 --> 00:08:17,981
Hey, excuse me.
219
00:08:17,983 --> 00:08:19,683
Listen.
220
00:08:19,685 --> 00:08:22,319
Do you think that you
would enjoy a show
221
00:08:22,321 --> 00:08:26,273
featuring Donatello, Raphael,
222
00:08:26,275 --> 00:08:28,742
Michelangelo and Leonardo?
223
00:08:28,744 --> 00:08:29,776
Sound like
you're a fan
224
00:08:29,778 --> 00:08:31,561
of the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles.
225
00:08:31,563 --> 00:08:32,863
Gotcha. Skin it.
226
00:08:37,702 --> 00:08:40,454
He will get that
on the drive home.
227
00:08:40,456 --> 00:08:42,739
He didn't.
228
00:08:43,541 --> 00:08:45,375
Fireworks?
Yeah.
229
00:08:45,377 --> 00:08:47,594
Everything in there is a
prop we'll need for tonight.
230
00:08:54,135 --> 00:08:56,053
Everything.
231
00:08:56,055 --> 00:08:58,222
All right, here's how
this is going down.
232
00:08:58,224 --> 00:09:00,941
You'll be wearing this
earpiece and microphone.
233
00:09:00,943 --> 00:09:03,426
I'll be staked out here,
telling you exactly what to say,
234
00:09:03,428 --> 00:09:05,896
so just stay focused
and you'll be fine.
235
00:09:05,898 --> 00:09:08,232
Which play
are we gonna run first?
236
00:09:08,234 --> 00:09:10,400
How about
the "Weekend at Barney's"?
237
00:09:11,954 --> 00:09:13,570
Oh, Ted, your first day
at the salon,
238
00:09:13,572 --> 00:09:15,455
and you want
to do a cut and color?
239
00:09:15,457 --> 00:09:16,740
No.
240
00:09:16,742 --> 00:09:18,909
Tonight we're gonna
start off with...
241
00:09:20,311 --> 00:09:22,412
Ice Man to Neruda.
242
00:09:22,414 --> 00:09:24,331
Ice Man to Neruda.
243
00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:25,582
Bogey at 10:00,
244
00:09:25,584 --> 00:09:26,967
and she is packing
two fully-operational
245
00:09:26,969 --> 00:09:28,502
sweater stretchers.
246
00:09:28,504 --> 00:09:31,621
That's bravo, Oscar, Oscar,
bravo, Sierra.
247
00:09:31,623 --> 00:09:33,290
Possible delta cups.
248
00:09:33,292 --> 00:09:35,676
Copy that. Engaging target.
249
00:09:35,678 --> 00:09:37,261
Over.
250
00:09:37,263 --> 00:09:38,762
Excuse me,
I have a delivery for Lisa.
251
00:09:38,764 --> 00:09:41,231
Excuse me, I have
a delivery for Lisa.
252
00:09:41,233 --> 00:09:43,350
Are you Lisa?
Are you Lisa?
253
00:09:43,352 --> 00:09:44,634
Uh, no.
254
00:09:44,636 --> 00:09:45,936
But you must be.
255
00:09:45,938 --> 00:09:47,237
I was told to...
256
00:09:47,239 --> 00:09:50,474
...deliver this package
to a girl named Lisa,
257
00:09:50,476 --> 00:09:52,826
and that I'd recognize her
because she'd be...
258
00:09:52,828 --> 00:09:55,028
The most beautiful girl
in this bar.
259
00:09:55,030 --> 00:09:56,446
So, here's your delivery,
260
00:09:56,448 --> 00:09:57,581
Lisa.
261
00:09:57,583 --> 00:09:58,882
Uh, I am definitely
not Lisa,
262
00:09:58,884 --> 00:10:02,986
but I would be happy
to help you find her.
263
00:10:02,988 --> 00:10:05,789
Great, and then maybe later...
264
00:10:05,791 --> 00:10:09,159
I could give you
a different package-- my penis.
265
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,513
That is a terrible line!
266
00:10:13,515 --> 00:10:14,765
You said it wrong.
267
00:10:14,767 --> 00:10:16,099
I did not say it wrong.
268
00:10:16,101 --> 00:10:17,334
My penis.
269
00:10:17,336 --> 00:10:18,869
No.
My penis.
270
00:10:18,871 --> 00:10:21,805
Still not right.
My penis, my penis, my penis!
271
00:10:23,725 --> 00:10:25,309
Hello.
272
00:10:27,312 --> 00:10:29,146
This sucks.
273
00:10:29,148 --> 00:10:30,513
I can't get near Strickland.
274
00:10:30,515 --> 00:10:32,182
At least Marshall's having
a good time.
275
00:10:32,184 --> 00:10:35,952
Man, he always knows
just the right thing to say.
276
00:10:35,954 --> 00:10:38,855
For a gay guy,
Andy Warhol sure liked cans.
277
00:10:41,459 --> 00:10:42,826
This sucks.
278
00:10:42,828 --> 00:10:44,544
Maybe I've lost my charm.
279
00:10:44,546 --> 00:10:46,213
No, Marshall,
280
00:10:46,215 --> 00:10:48,382
if Lily's gonna make it
in this fancy art world,
281
00:10:48,384 --> 00:10:50,751
you're gonna have to make it,
too, so suck it up,
282
00:10:50,753 --> 00:10:52,552
stop sitting on the art,
283
00:10:52,554 --> 00:10:55,055
and bust out the "A" material.
284
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,395
You two keep chugging
like that,
285
00:11:01,397 --> 00:11:02,545
you're gonna have to
286
00:11:02,547 --> 00:11:04,765
Vincent van go
to the bathroom, am I right?
287
00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:06,983
It's pronounced van Gogh.
288
00:11:08,603 --> 00:11:11,405
Oh, "blogh" me.
289
00:11:12,807 --> 00:11:15,142
I still don't get why someone
would leave the hospital
290
00:11:15,144 --> 00:11:17,077
without changing
into their clothes first. Over.
291
00:11:17,079 --> 00:11:18,412
Ted, this is my thing.
292
00:11:18,414 --> 00:11:20,330
So just... okay?
293
00:11:20,332 --> 00:11:21,331
Over.
294
00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:23,750
Okay? Over.
295
00:11:25,703 --> 00:11:26,870
Are you all right?
296
00:11:26,872 --> 00:11:28,355
What? Oh.
297
00:11:28,357 --> 00:11:30,991
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
298
00:11:30,993 --> 00:11:32,793
Tomorrow, I'm...
299
00:11:32,795 --> 00:11:35,562
donating a kidney
to my best friend.
300
00:11:35,564 --> 00:11:37,898
My best friend Barney.
301
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,266
Not Marshall.
302
00:11:39,268 --> 00:11:40,901
Barney.
303
00:11:40,903 --> 00:11:42,402
Marshall's so lame.
304
00:11:43,838 --> 00:11:45,005
Anyway, uh...
305
00:11:45,007 --> 00:11:47,474
just wanted to grab
one last drink, in case...
306
00:11:47,476 --> 00:11:50,010
you know, I don't make it.
307
00:11:50,012 --> 00:11:51,461
You are so brave.
308
00:11:51,463 --> 00:11:52,996
Hey, listen.
309
00:11:52,998 --> 00:11:56,133
Before I give my best friend
this organ, how about...
310
00:11:57,402 --> 00:11:58,635
Nope.
311
00:11:58,637 --> 00:12:00,237
Nope, I'm not saying that.
312
00:12:01,072 --> 00:12:02,122
I did hear you,
313
00:12:02,124 --> 00:12:04,091
but I'm not saying that.
314
00:12:04,093 --> 00:12:05,292
Because I'm not.
315
00:12:05,294 --> 00:12:06,543
Are you okay?
316
00:12:06,545 --> 00:12:09,262
One second. I know you put
a lot of work into this.
317
00:12:09,264 --> 00:12:10,464
I understand that.
318
00:12:11,265 --> 00:12:12,466
I understand that.
319
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:14,468
I understand that.
320
00:12:16,537 --> 00:12:17,737
I understand that.
321
00:12:17,739 --> 00:12:19,089
Why can't I just
talk to her?
322
00:12:19,091 --> 00:12:20,740
Maybe we'll hit it off...
323
00:12:23,212 --> 00:12:24,678
Fine.
324
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:26,379
Copy that.
325
00:12:29,518 --> 00:12:32,853
How about I give you
a different organ?
326
00:12:33,988 --> 00:12:35,655
My penis.
327
00:12:39,277 --> 00:12:41,161
You said it wrong.
328
00:12:41,163 --> 00:12:42,846
I did not say it wrong!
329
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:46,116
Thank you all so much
for coming.
330
00:12:46,118 --> 00:12:47,467
If you'll
indulge me,
331
00:12:47,469 --> 00:12:49,002
I would like to share a story
332
00:12:49,004 --> 00:12:51,154
about my dearly departed
grandmother.
333
00:12:51,156 --> 00:12:52,339
Oh, God.
334
00:12:52,341 --> 00:12:54,341
News flash, Johnny Ascot:
335
00:12:54,343 --> 00:12:56,460
Lots of people
have dead grandmas.
336
00:12:56,462 --> 00:12:57,827
No, Marshall.
337
00:12:57,829 --> 00:12:59,662
Don't be bitter.
338
00:12:59,664 --> 00:13:01,164
You're here for Lily.
339
00:13:01,166 --> 00:13:03,216
Just look at her,
so professional.
340
00:13:03,218 --> 00:13:06,386
She hasn't sat
on a single piece of art.
341
00:13:06,388 --> 00:13:09,556
You're gonna ride this thing
out with dignity for Lily.
342
00:13:09,558 --> 00:13:12,342
Not one more thing
that might embarrass her.
343
00:13:12,344 --> 00:13:15,562
I will simply stand here.
344
00:13:15,564 --> 00:13:19,015
Perfectly invisible.
345
00:13:19,017 --> 00:13:20,450
And so I dedicate this show
346
00:13:20,452 --> 00:13:22,569
to my grandmother's memory.
347
00:13:22,571 --> 00:13:24,521
Now...
348
00:13:24,523 --> 00:13:27,190
please join me in honoring her
349
00:13:27,192 --> 00:13:31,661
with 60 seconds
of absolute silence.
350
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:06,213
Okay, Neruda, this play is
351
00:14:06,215 --> 00:14:07,697
extremely complicated.
352
00:14:07,699 --> 00:14:09,115
Let me guess.
Does it involve me
353
00:14:09,117 --> 00:14:11,201
saying "my penis"
in a Scottish accent?
354
00:14:11,203 --> 00:14:13,169
Now you're gettin' it, laddie!
355
00:14:14,539 --> 00:14:15,589
Hey!
356
00:14:15,591 --> 00:14:17,040
Robin. What are you doing here?
357
00:14:17,042 --> 00:14:18,341
I was curious as to whether
358
00:14:18,343 --> 00:14:20,043
you found Ted a date
to our wedding
359
00:14:20,045 --> 00:14:22,178
who was a little less,
you know, Antichrist-y.
360
00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:27,417
Is that the Playbook?
361
00:14:27,419 --> 00:14:32,589
No, Robin, that is a couch.
362
00:14:40,431 --> 00:14:42,732
Oh, you mean
the Playbook on the couch?
363
00:14:42,734 --> 00:14:43,733
I can explain.
364
00:14:43,735 --> 00:14:44,767
Don't bother.
365
00:14:44,769 --> 00:14:46,786
I can ex...
Uh, Ted? Uh...
366
00:14:46,788 --> 00:14:48,488
I got to step away from
mission control for a sec.
367
00:14:48,490 --> 00:14:50,440
Don't do anything stupid
while I'm gone.
368
00:14:50,442 --> 00:14:52,108
Robin...
369
00:15:04,877 --> 00:15:06,661
Robin, wait.
370
00:15:07,588 --> 00:15:09,287
Um... shoot.
I haven't figured out
371
00:15:09,289 --> 00:15:11,423
what I'm gonna say yet.
Keep going.
372
00:15:13,293 --> 00:15:14,810
Robin, wait.
373
00:15:16,145 --> 00:15:18,597
Look, I'm sorry
that I still have the Playbook.
374
00:15:18,599 --> 00:15:21,099
It's just, it's filled
with a lifetime of great ideas.
375
00:15:21,101 --> 00:15:23,185
Am I supposed to just
leave all that behind?
376
00:15:23,187 --> 00:15:25,437
Yes.
But...
377
00:15:25,439 --> 00:15:27,689
"Weekend at Barney's"!
378
00:15:27,691 --> 00:15:28,857
Okay, what is that?
379
00:15:28,859 --> 00:15:31,159
Explain the
"Weekend at Barney's" to me.
380
00:15:31,161 --> 00:15:32,160
What's to explain?
381
00:15:32,162 --> 00:15:33,278
I play a dead guy,
382
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:34,813
and Ted and Marshall
carry me around.
383
00:15:34,815 --> 00:15:36,865
Okay. And based on that,
girls want to sleep with you.
384
00:15:36,867 --> 00:15:38,333
Big time.
But you're dead.
385
00:15:38,335 --> 00:15:40,502
Yeah. Except not really,
obviously.
386
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:41,920
But the girl thinks you're dead.
387
00:15:41,922 --> 00:15:42,922
No, she thinks I'm alive.
388
00:15:42,923 --> 00:15:44,039
Which you are.
Exactly.
389
00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:45,791
Except you're dead.
Exactly.
390
00:15:45,793 --> 00:15:47,492
Except you're alive.
Exactly.
391
00:15:47,494 --> 00:15:50,178
Okay, so instead of...
of being an alive person
392
00:15:50,180 --> 00:15:52,047
pretending to be a dead person
393
00:15:52,049 --> 00:15:53,599
pretending to be
an alive person,
394
00:15:53,601 --> 00:15:56,184
why not just be an alive person?
395
00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:59,605
Okay, let's start
from the beginning.
396
00:15:59,607 --> 00:16:03,725
The movie is called
Weekend at Bernie's.
397
00:16:03,727 --> 00:16:06,511
My name is Barney.
398
00:16:07,897 --> 00:16:09,698
I'm so sorry,
sweetie.
399
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,066
I don't know
if you heard,
400
00:16:11,068 --> 00:16:12,401
but I dropped
some Skittles.
401
00:16:12,403 --> 00:16:13,485
Do you know what,
I'm just gonna
402
00:16:13,487 --> 00:16:14,786
go home before I
make things worse.
403
00:16:14,788 --> 00:16:16,455
You're not
going anywhere.
404
00:16:16,457 --> 00:16:17,623
We're a team.
405
00:16:17,625 --> 00:16:18,573
You stuck by me
406
00:16:18,575 --> 00:16:20,409
after my nip slip
407
00:16:20,411 --> 00:16:22,044
at your law school graduation.
408
00:16:22,046 --> 00:16:25,297
And after my nip slip
at the GNB Christmas party.
409
00:16:25,299 --> 00:16:26,715
And after my nip slip
410
00:16:26,717 --> 00:16:29,051
at the Honeywell and Coots
Family Fun Day.
411
00:16:29,053 --> 00:16:31,169
I don't know why you
keep wearing that top.
412
00:16:31,171 --> 00:16:32,804
All right,
I'll stay put,
413
00:16:32,806 --> 00:16:34,172
but I'm keeping
my mouth shut.
414
00:16:34,174 --> 00:16:37,259
No more jokes,
no more candy,
415
00:16:37,261 --> 00:16:39,311
no more Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles.
416
00:16:39,313 --> 00:16:41,046
Hey, are you guys
talking Ninja Turtles?
417
00:16:41,764 --> 00:16:43,515
I'm a huge TMNT fan.
418
00:16:43,517 --> 00:16:45,183
I grew up on those comic books.
419
00:16:45,185 --> 00:16:47,519
Me, too!
I was obsessed.
420
00:16:47,521 --> 00:16:49,604
Did you know that
the original comic debuted
421
00:16:49,606 --> 00:16:51,940
in 1984 at a convention
in New Hampshire?
422
00:16:51,942 --> 00:16:53,391
Uh, yes.
423
00:16:53,393 --> 00:16:55,560
Did you know that Eastman and
Laird always had their doubts
424
00:16:55,562 --> 00:16:56,995
about their characters
being commercialized?
425
00:16:56,997 --> 00:16:58,196
Yes!
426
00:16:58,198 --> 00:16:59,998
Did you know that the painting
on the back wall
427
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,500
is inspired by Master Splinter?
428
00:17:02,452 --> 00:17:05,003
Oh, the one of the
rat doing karate.
429
00:17:05,005 --> 00:17:06,955
I see it now.
430
00:17:06,957 --> 00:17:08,123
Hey, I'm Strickland.
431
00:17:08,125 --> 00:17:09,574
Hey. Marshall.
432
00:17:09,576 --> 00:17:12,461
And this is my wife, Lily,
who, as a matter of fact,
433
00:17:12,463 --> 00:17:14,596
happens to represent one of
the biggest art collectors
434
00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:15,681
in New York City.
435
00:17:15,683 --> 00:17:16,965
I love your work.
436
00:17:16,967 --> 00:17:19,584
It's great to see you
getting some recognition.
437
00:17:19,586 --> 00:17:21,419
Thank you.
It's been a long haul.
438
00:17:21,421 --> 00:17:23,388
The first painting
I ever sold,
439
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:26,475
I used the money
to get my car fixed.
440
00:17:26,477 --> 00:17:28,143
You might say...
441
00:17:28,145 --> 00:17:31,096
I used it to make my van go.
442
00:17:31,098 --> 00:17:32,397
That's...
443
00:17:34,284 --> 00:17:37,369
Um, a little something
called rigor mortis?
444
00:17:37,371 --> 00:17:38,770
Oh, come on.
445
00:17:38,772 --> 00:17:40,772
Are you really this
mad about a book?
446
00:17:40,774 --> 00:17:43,942
You really think that this
is just about a book, Barney?
447
00:17:44,744 --> 00:17:45,660
You lied to me.
448
00:17:45,662 --> 00:17:47,112
If we're gonna
be in a marriage
449
00:17:47,114 --> 00:17:49,581
and trust each other,
you can't lie to me ever.
450
00:17:49,583 --> 00:17:50,665
Really?
451
00:17:50,667 --> 00:17:52,117
Well, that's just great.
452
00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:55,253
Because, in case you haven't
noticed these last eight years,
453
00:17:55,255 --> 00:17:57,389
lying is what I do best.
454
00:17:59,142 --> 00:18:00,458
I'm a magician, Robin.
455
00:18:00,460 --> 00:18:04,629
Misdirection and deceit
are my stock in trade.
456
00:18:04,631 --> 00:18:06,381
You don't want me
to lie to you?
457
00:18:06,383 --> 00:18:09,101
Lies are the reason
that we're together.
458
00:18:09,103 --> 00:18:10,969
Everything single
thing I did
459
00:18:10,971 --> 00:18:13,238
to get you to say yes
to me on that rooftop--
460
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,574
Patrice, the false
engagement, everything--
461
00:18:15,576 --> 00:18:17,826
it was all utter malarkey.
462
00:18:17,828 --> 00:18:18,910
But...
463
00:18:18,912 --> 00:18:20,996
underneath all
of those lies
464
00:18:20,998 --> 00:18:23,198
is one true thing.
465
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,201
One true thing
that can support the weight
466
00:18:26,203 --> 00:18:29,287
of all the lies
in the world, and...
467
00:18:29,289 --> 00:18:31,289
and that's the fact
that I love you.
468
00:18:31,291 --> 00:18:32,607
And you know
469
00:18:32,609 --> 00:18:34,176
that when I say that...
470
00:18:34,178 --> 00:18:35,677
I am not lying.
471
00:18:45,504 --> 00:18:46,688
Wha...
472
00:18:57,366 --> 00:18:58,867
Did you just unhook
my bra again?
473
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:01,219
Jeanette,
474
00:19:01,221 --> 00:19:02,487
this is great.
475
00:19:02,489 --> 00:19:03,855
We're back together.
476
00:19:03,857 --> 00:19:06,541
You're coming to Barney
and Robin's wedding.
477
00:19:06,543 --> 00:19:09,494
I found two wine glasses
you didn't smash.
478
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:11,546
Call me crazy,
but I've got a feeling,
479
00:19:11,548 --> 00:19:14,299
from here on out, it's gonna be
nothing but blue skies and...
480
00:19:14,301 --> 00:19:15,250
What...
481
00:19:15,252 --> 00:19:16,701
the hell...
482
00:19:16,703 --> 00:19:18,420
is this?!
483
00:19:20,924 --> 00:19:22,057
Uh-oh.
484
00:19:22,059 --> 00:19:23,725
Check out this
text from Ted.
485
00:19:29,165 --> 00:19:30,365
Oh, my...
486
00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:32,234
What the hell
happened here?
487
00:19:32,236 --> 00:19:34,402
Jeanette and I had
a little spat.
488
00:19:36,490 --> 00:19:37,989
Would anyone like some wine?
489
00:19:37,991 --> 00:19:39,524
It's a nice Côtes du Rhne.
490
00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:41,026
Still needs to breathe a bit.
491
00:19:41,028 --> 00:19:43,495
You know what?
I got a decanter upstairs, so...
492
00:19:44,563 --> 00:19:47,232
We should just drink it now.
493
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:48,500
And for
494
00:19:48,502 --> 00:19:49,701
the grand finale,
495
00:19:49,703 --> 00:19:51,236
I found your fireworks.
496
00:19:51,238 --> 00:19:53,371
Let's see what they do
to your precious Playbook!
497
00:19:53,373 --> 00:19:54,572
No!
498
00:19:54,574 --> 00:19:55,674
Jeanette, please,
499
00:19:55,676 --> 00:19:57,359
that's Barney's
life's work!
500
00:19:57,361 --> 00:19:58,743
It's fine, Ted.
501
00:19:59,929 --> 00:20:01,263
Blow it up, Jeanette.
502
00:20:01,265 --> 00:20:05,684
♪ Put a candle in the window
503
00:20:09,138 --> 00:20:13,758
♪ 'Cause I feel
I've got to move ♪
504
00:20:17,230 --> 00:20:21,199
♪ Though I'm going, going
505
00:20:21,201 --> 00:20:24,452
♪ I'll be coming home soon
506
00:20:24,454 --> 00:20:28,290
♪ Long as I can see
the light... ♪
507
00:20:38,134 --> 00:20:39,968
Okay.
508
00:20:39,970 --> 00:20:42,470
No more dating.
509
00:20:42,472 --> 00:20:44,339
I'm ready to settle down.
510
00:20:44,341 --> 00:20:45,757
And, kids...
511
00:20:45,759 --> 00:20:47,175
for the first time in my life,
512
00:20:47,177 --> 00:20:48,677
I really meant it.
513
00:20:48,679 --> 00:20:49,627
Oh!
514
00:20:49,629 --> 00:20:51,680
Oh...
The boots...
515
00:20:54,401 --> 00:20:59,401
== sync, corrected by elderman ==