1 00:00:06,701 --> 00:00:08,557 This is the life. 2 00:00:08,558 --> 00:00:09,921 We got the three B's. 3 00:00:09,922 --> 00:00:12,773 Beach, booze and bodacious babes. 4 00:00:12,775 --> 00:00:14,308 I don't know. 5 00:00:14,310 --> 00:00:16,310 I'm starting to think we should call the police. 6 00:00:16,312 --> 00:00:17,978 Oh, would you relax? 7 00:00:17,980 --> 00:00:19,512 We've got it made. 8 00:00:19,514 --> 00:00:21,615 One whole week at his bodacious beach house, 9 00:00:21,617 --> 00:00:23,967 no strings attached. 10 00:00:23,969 --> 00:00:26,954 Well, there is one string attached. 11 00:00:28,856 --> 00:00:30,774 Hi, Barney. 12 00:00:38,049 --> 00:00:40,968 Bodacious. 13 00:00:40,970 --> 00:00:42,669 "Weekend at Barney's!" 14 00:00:42,671 --> 00:00:44,004 What is it? What's wrong? 15 00:00:44,006 --> 00:00:46,423 The plays, Robin, the plays. 16 00:00:46,425 --> 00:00:48,925 The ingenious techniques I used as a bachelor 17 00:00:48,927 --> 00:00:50,644 to pick up busty dullards. 18 00:00:50,646 --> 00:00:52,929 They just keep coming to me; I can't turn them off. 19 00:00:52,931 --> 00:00:55,399 Okay, Barney, let me ease your mind, okay? 20 00:00:55,401 --> 00:00:56,933 All right, here we go. 21 00:00:56,935 --> 00:00:58,151 Remember when you set 22 00:00:58,153 --> 00:01:00,187 your Playbook on fire? 23 00:01:05,693 --> 00:01:08,996 That was the moment I realized you were someone I could marry. 24 00:01:08,998 --> 00:01:11,615 And I'd burn it again if I could. 25 00:01:11,617 --> 00:01:12,799 You're right. 26 00:01:12,801 --> 00:01:14,084 I'm done with all these plays. 27 00:01:14,086 --> 00:01:16,203 Besides, there's no way I'll ever come up 28 00:01:16,205 --> 00:01:18,872 with anything that tops "Weekend at Barney's." 29 00:01:25,713 --> 00:01:27,180 "Weekend at Barney's Two!" 30 00:01:27,182 --> 00:01:29,279 Damn it, Barney! 31 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:33,280 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x18 ♪ Weekend at Barney's Original Air Date on February 25, 2013 32 00:01:33,305 --> 00:01:38,305 == sync, corrected by elderman == 33 00:01:42,230 --> 00:01:44,114 So, there's this big 34 00:01:44,116 --> 00:01:45,765 gallery opening tonight. 35 00:01:45,767 --> 00:01:49,036 Oh, we'd love to, but we've got this, um... 36 00:01:49,038 --> 00:01:50,620 Genesis reunion, Madison Square Garden, 37 00:01:50,622 --> 00:01:51,771 front row. 38 00:01:51,773 --> 00:01:52,939 It's gonna be legend... 39 00:01:52,941 --> 00:01:54,041 I wasn't inviting you guys. 40 00:01:54,043 --> 00:01:56,960 Oh, thank God. There is no concert. 41 00:01:56,962 --> 00:01:58,611 As the captain's new art buyer, 42 00:01:58,613 --> 00:02:01,298 I have to go schmooze this up-and-coming artist, 43 00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:02,632 Strickland Stevens, 44 00:02:02,634 --> 00:02:05,218 so we get first dibs on all his new stuff. 45 00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:06,887 And I'll be helping Lily seal the deal 46 00:02:06,889 --> 00:02:08,621 by impressing the intelligentsia 47 00:02:08,623 --> 00:02:10,290 with some art-related hilarity. 48 00:02:10,292 --> 00:02:12,792 I've prepared some jokes. 49 00:02:12,794 --> 00:02:15,762 Why couldn't the art dealer pay his rent? 50 00:02:15,764 --> 00:02:16,813 I don't know. Why? 51 00:02:16,815 --> 00:02:18,131 This is gonna be rough. 52 00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:21,351 Because he ran out of Monet. 53 00:02:21,353 --> 00:02:22,436 You're gonna get that 54 00:02:22,438 --> 00:02:24,438 on the walk home. How about this one? 55 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,356 You know what, we'd... we'd love to hear it, 56 00:02:26,358 --> 00:02:27,991 but we've got that, um... that... 57 00:02:27,993 --> 00:02:30,277 Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall, backstage pass. Let's go. 58 00:02:30,279 --> 00:02:32,270 We don't want to miss whatever their big song was. 59 00:02:32,295 --> 00:02:32,747 Yeah. 60 00:02:32,748 --> 00:02:35,648 Your wedding response card, as promised. 61 00:02:35,650 --> 00:02:38,118 Why didn't you just mail it like everybody else? 62 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,437 Oh, see, that's sad, Robin. 63 00:02:40,439 --> 00:02:42,873 You should be touched that I hand-delivered it. 64 00:02:42,875 --> 00:02:47,260 Has social media so eroded our interpersonal relationships 65 00:02:47,262 --> 00:02:48,929 that we no longer wish to experience the... 66 00:02:48,931 --> 00:02:50,013 You wanted to keep the stamp? 67 00:02:50,015 --> 00:02:51,098 They're 46 cents now. 68 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,132 It's getting out of hand. 69 00:02:52,134 --> 00:02:55,719 "Your invitation is joyfully accepted 70 00:02:55,721 --> 00:02:58,855 by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette"" 71 00:03:00,209 --> 00:03:01,641 Kids, as you'll recall, 72 00:03:01,643 --> 00:03:02,976 Jeanette was the last girl I dated 73 00:03:02,978 --> 00:03:04,027 before I met your mother. 74 00:03:04,029 --> 00:03:05,061 My friends only had 75 00:03:05,063 --> 00:03:06,346 one tiny problem with her. 76 00:03:08,316 --> 00:03:10,350 She was nuts. 77 00:03:11,319 --> 00:03:13,069 So you're bringing a plus one? 78 00:03:13,071 --> 00:03:14,788 If you count the voices in her head, 79 00:03:14,790 --> 00:03:16,239 it's plus five. 80 00:03:16,241 --> 00:03:17,924 Guys, I'm bringing her, 81 00:03:17,926 --> 00:03:19,826 and you're gonna love having her there. 82 00:03:19,828 --> 00:03:21,661 Oh, and, um, by the way, 83 00:03:21,663 --> 00:03:23,547 just so this doesn't turn into an argument later, 84 00:03:23,549 --> 00:03:24,714 the dress she's gonna wear 85 00:03:24,716 --> 00:03:26,236 isn't technically white; it's eggshell. 86 00:03:26,818 --> 00:03:28,802 The shoes are white, though. 87 00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:30,754 And the gloves. 88 00:03:30,756 --> 00:03:32,839 And the veil. Well, see you guys. 89 00:03:33,457 --> 00:03:35,275 No, no, no. Mosby! Get... 90 00:03:38,896 --> 00:03:40,680 Oh, my God, what happened? 91 00:03:40,682 --> 00:03:42,882 Oh, I trashed your apartment. 92 00:03:42,884 --> 00:03:44,100 See, I got bored, 93 00:03:44,102 --> 00:03:46,436 so I started going through all your e-mails. 94 00:03:46,438 --> 00:03:48,855 Sure. And I found one from a woman 95 00:03:48,857 --> 00:03:51,074 with the subject line, "big penis orgasms," 96 00:03:51,076 --> 00:03:53,076 so naturally, I smashed your plates, 97 00:03:53,078 --> 00:03:54,894 knifed your mattress, peed in your drawers, 98 00:03:54,896 --> 00:03:56,813 the whole nine, but then, 99 00:03:56,815 --> 00:03:58,898 while I was upper-decking your toilet, 100 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,700 I actually read the e-mail. 101 00:04:00,702 --> 00:04:03,086 Turns out it was spam. 102 00:04:03,838 --> 00:04:05,539 Classic Jeanette, huh? 103 00:04:05,541 --> 00:04:07,340 Oh, my God. 104 00:04:07,342 --> 00:04:10,594 You are certifiably insane... 105 00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:13,013 ...about me. 106 00:04:13,015 --> 00:04:14,548 Come here, you knucklehead. 107 00:04:14,550 --> 00:04:15,849 I can't stay mad at you. 108 00:04:15,851 --> 00:04:17,417 Ted, Ted, I'm breaking up with you. 109 00:04:17,419 --> 00:04:18,435 You're just 110 00:04:18,437 --> 00:04:19,752 so intense, 111 00:04:19,754 --> 00:04:22,105 and it's all moving way too fast. 112 00:04:22,107 --> 00:04:23,356 Here's your key back. 113 00:04:24,258 --> 00:04:25,758 I never gave you a key. 114 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,611 And here's your grandmother's ring. 115 00:04:27,613 --> 00:04:30,063 She was buried wearing this. 116 00:04:30,065 --> 00:04:31,948 And just like that, 117 00:04:31,950 --> 00:04:33,350 it was over. 118 00:04:34,418 --> 00:04:35,452 I texted Barney and Robin. 119 00:04:35,454 --> 00:04:36,603 I'm sure they're over the moon 120 00:04:36,605 --> 00:04:37,737 that Jeanette's not coming to the wedding. 121 00:04:37,739 --> 00:04:40,373 Oh, no, Ted, no. 122 00:04:40,375 --> 00:04:43,410 They're not gonna be happy about you being sad. 123 00:04:43,412 --> 00:04:44,878 They broke up! 124 00:04:46,781 --> 00:04:48,381 Ted, respectfully, 125 00:04:48,383 --> 00:04:51,051 are you sure that this was the right girl for you? 126 00:04:51,053 --> 00:04:52,335 Of course not. 127 00:04:52,337 --> 00:04:53,837 She was crazy. 128 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:55,672 Absolutely a nightmare. 129 00:04:55,674 --> 00:04:57,123 It's totally not worth the trouble. 130 00:04:57,125 --> 00:04:58,958 I mean, no matter how... 131 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,645 no matter how great the sex was. 132 00:05:01,647 --> 00:05:03,747 Uh-oh. Stay with us, buddy. 133 00:05:03,749 --> 00:05:06,433 No matter how hot and passionate 134 00:05:06,435 --> 00:05:08,735 and surprising, 135 00:05:08,737 --> 00:05:10,437 possibly illegal... 136 00:05:10,439 --> 00:05:12,539 I don't like this. Me, neither. 137 00:05:12,541 --> 00:05:14,574 I'm gonna win her back. 138 00:05:16,328 --> 00:05:19,079 Barney and Robin are gonna be so happy I'm happy. 139 00:05:19,081 --> 00:05:21,031 I know. 140 00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:23,617 I know. 141 00:05:23,619 --> 00:05:26,419 Did you just unhook my bra? 142 00:05:26,421 --> 00:05:28,788 Shh. There, there. 143 00:05:28,790 --> 00:05:31,157 That night was the big gallery show. 144 00:05:31,159 --> 00:05:33,009 Hey. I'm so sorry. 145 00:05:33,011 --> 00:05:34,933 I decided to grab a snack from the bodega. 146 00:05:34,958 --> 00:05:35,596 Why? 147 00:05:35,597 --> 00:05:36,796 They'll have food at the gallery. 148 00:05:36,798 --> 00:05:38,381 Oh, come on, these places never have food. 149 00:05:38,383 --> 00:05:39,466 It's fine. 150 00:05:39,468 --> 00:05:41,000 I got some Skittles. 151 00:05:41,002 --> 00:05:44,354 That was the last bag of Skittles 152 00:05:44,356 --> 00:05:46,690 your Uncle Marshall would ever buy. 153 00:05:46,692 --> 00:05:49,893 Meanwhile, I headed over to Jeanette's place 154 00:05:49,895 --> 00:05:52,145 to win her back. 155 00:05:58,519 --> 00:06:00,236 What the hell? 156 00:06:00,238 --> 00:06:01,738 I can't let you do this, Ted. 157 00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:03,523 I want Jeanette back. 158 00:06:03,525 --> 00:06:05,742 Well, then accept my apology. 159 00:06:05,744 --> 00:06:07,377 For what? 160 00:06:07,379 --> 00:06:09,245 This. 161 00:06:13,847 --> 00:06:16,929 Ow, ow, ow! Damn it! You're strong. 162 00:06:17,029 --> 00:06:18,562 That's just from Pilates? 163 00:06:18,564 --> 00:06:19,930 Twice a week. 164 00:06:19,932 --> 00:06:22,566 Look, I don't want you getting back with Jeanette. 165 00:06:22,568 --> 00:06:25,152 Ted, what is my one rule? 166 00:06:25,154 --> 00:06:27,054 You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows? 167 00:06:27,056 --> 00:06:28,322 My other one rule. 168 00:06:28,324 --> 00:06:30,074 Flaxseed relieves upset stomach? 169 00:06:30,076 --> 00:06:31,274 My other one rule. 170 00:06:31,276 --> 00:06:32,659 Always have a fake pair of concert tickets 171 00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:34,678 in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid? 172 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:35,766 My other one rule. 173 00:06:35,791 --> 00:06:37,599 Lebanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there? 174 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,600 My other one rule. New is always better. 175 00:06:39,602 --> 00:06:40,968 New is always better! 176 00:06:40,970 --> 00:06:42,469 Exactly, Ted. 177 00:06:42,471 --> 00:06:44,388 You want to invite a date to our wedding, 178 00:06:44,390 --> 00:06:45,923 it is not gonna be Jeanette. 179 00:06:45,925 --> 00:06:47,624 It is gonna be someone new. 180 00:06:47,626 --> 00:06:49,893 And I am gonna help you find her 181 00:06:49,895 --> 00:06:52,179 with a little help from... 182 00:06:53,131 --> 00:06:54,181 The Playbook. 183 00:06:54,183 --> 00:06:55,399 The Playbook? 184 00:06:55,401 --> 00:06:56,517 Didn't you burn that? 185 00:06:56,519 --> 00:06:58,352 Oh, I didn't burn the real one. 186 00:06:58,354 --> 00:07:00,771 That was the ceremonial playbook 187 00:07:00,773 --> 00:07:02,189 for parades, 188 00:07:02,191 --> 00:07:03,357 mall openings, 189 00:07:03,359 --> 00:07:04,775 inaugurations, stuff like that. 190 00:07:04,777 --> 00:07:06,743 That's a pretty big secret to keep from Robin. 191 00:07:06,745 --> 00:07:08,829 Which is exactly why I'm trusting you, 192 00:07:08,831 --> 00:07:11,165 my best bro, to never let her know 193 00:07:11,167 --> 00:07:13,033 that the Playbook still exists. 194 00:07:13,484 --> 00:07:15,318 Pinky swear? 195 00:07:16,154 --> 00:07:17,921 Fine. 196 00:07:17,923 --> 00:07:19,623 Wow. 197 00:07:21,593 --> 00:07:23,326 See, I told you. 198 00:07:23,328 --> 00:07:26,463 Thank God I snuck in this bag of goodness. 199 00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:30,434 There's Strickland Stevens. 200 00:07:30,436 --> 00:07:31,835 Wow. 201 00:07:31,837 --> 00:07:33,687 Even his scarf is up-and-coming. 202 00:07:33,689 --> 00:07:37,357 Are you gonna be okay by yourself for a few minutes? 203 00:07:37,359 --> 00:07:39,109 Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be? 204 00:07:39,111 --> 00:07:42,146 Well, you're sitting on an $80,000 sculpture. 205 00:07:42,148 --> 00:07:43,981 For 80 grand, 206 00:07:43,983 --> 00:07:45,866 you'd think it would be more comfortable. 207 00:07:45,868 --> 00:07:47,401 Lil, I'll be fine. 208 00:07:47,403 --> 00:07:49,536 Do you know who you're talking to? 209 00:07:49,538 --> 00:07:51,905 In high school, I was voted most outgoing 210 00:07:51,907 --> 00:07:54,158 freshman, sophomore and senior year. 211 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,043 What happened junior year? 212 00:07:57,378 --> 00:07:59,196 Egdud Ferhaki, 213 00:07:59,198 --> 00:08:01,698 that outgoing son of a bitch. 214 00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:04,367 He beat you for most outgoing? 215 00:08:04,369 --> 00:08:06,503 Huh? Oh, no, we tied. 216 00:08:09,357 --> 00:08:11,875 Look, the point is, I can make friends anywhere, even here. 217 00:08:11,877 --> 00:08:14,228 Thanks, baby. You got it. 218 00:08:16,182 --> 00:08:17,981 Hey, excuse me. 219 00:08:17,983 --> 00:08:19,683 Listen. 220 00:08:19,685 --> 00:08:22,319 Do you think that you would enjoy a show 221 00:08:22,321 --> 00:08:26,273 featuring Donatello, Raphael, 222 00:08:26,275 --> 00:08:28,742 Michelangelo and Leonardo? 223 00:08:28,744 --> 00:08:29,776 Sound like you're a fan 224 00:08:29,778 --> 00:08:31,561 of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 225 00:08:31,563 --> 00:08:32,863 Gotcha. Skin it. 226 00:08:37,702 --> 00:08:40,454 He will get that on the drive home. 227 00:08:40,456 --> 00:08:42,739 He didn't. 228 00:08:43,541 --> 00:08:45,375 Fireworks? Yeah. 229 00:08:45,377 --> 00:08:47,594 Everything in there is a prop we'll need for tonight. 230 00:08:54,135 --> 00:08:56,053 Everything. 231 00:08:56,055 --> 00:08:58,222 All right, here's how this is going down. 232 00:08:58,224 --> 00:09:00,941 You'll be wearing this earpiece and microphone. 233 00:09:00,943 --> 00:09:03,426 I'll be staked out here, telling you exactly what to say, 234 00:09:03,428 --> 00:09:05,896 so just stay focused and you'll be fine. 235 00:09:05,898 --> 00:09:08,232 Which play are we gonna run first? 236 00:09:08,234 --> 00:09:10,400 How about the "Weekend at Barney's"? 237 00:09:11,954 --> 00:09:13,570 Oh, Ted, your first day at the salon, 238 00:09:13,572 --> 00:09:15,455 and you want to do a cut and color? 239 00:09:15,457 --> 00:09:16,740 No. 240 00:09:16,742 --> 00:09:18,909 Tonight we're gonna start off with... 241 00:09:20,311 --> 00:09:22,412 Ice Man to Neruda. 242 00:09:22,414 --> 00:09:24,331 Ice Man to Neruda. 243 00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:25,582 Bogey at 10:00, 244 00:09:25,584 --> 00:09:26,967 and she is packing two fully-operational 245 00:09:26,969 --> 00:09:28,502 sweater stretchers. 246 00:09:28,504 --> 00:09:31,621 That's bravo, Oscar, Oscar, bravo, Sierra. 247 00:09:31,623 --> 00:09:33,290 Possible delta cups. 248 00:09:33,292 --> 00:09:35,676 Copy that. Engaging target. 249 00:09:35,678 --> 00:09:37,261 Over. 250 00:09:37,263 --> 00:09:38,762 Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa. 251 00:09:38,764 --> 00:09:41,231 Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa. 252 00:09:41,233 --> 00:09:43,350 Are you Lisa? Are you Lisa? 253 00:09:43,352 --> 00:09:44,634 Uh, no. 254 00:09:44,636 --> 00:09:45,936 But you must be. 255 00:09:45,938 --> 00:09:47,237 I was told to... 256 00:09:47,239 --> 00:09:50,474 ...deliver this package to a girl named Lisa, 257 00:09:50,476 --> 00:09:52,826 and that I'd recognize her because she'd be... 258 00:09:52,828 --> 00:09:55,028 The most beautiful girl in this bar. 259 00:09:55,030 --> 00:09:56,446 So, here's your delivery, 260 00:09:56,448 --> 00:09:57,581 Lisa. 261 00:09:57,583 --> 00:09:58,882 Uh, I am definitely not Lisa, 262 00:09:58,884 --> 00:10:02,986 but I would be happy to help you find her. 263 00:10:02,988 --> 00:10:05,789 Great, and then maybe later... 264 00:10:05,791 --> 00:10:09,159 I could give you a different package-- my penis. 265 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,513 That is a terrible line! 266 00:10:13,515 --> 00:10:14,765 You said it wrong. 267 00:10:14,767 --> 00:10:16,099 I did not say it wrong. 268 00:10:16,101 --> 00:10:17,334 My penis. 269 00:10:17,336 --> 00:10:18,869 No. My penis. 270 00:10:18,871 --> 00:10:21,805 Still not right. My penis, my penis, my penis! 271 00:10:23,725 --> 00:10:25,309 Hello. 272 00:10:27,312 --> 00:10:29,146 This sucks. 273 00:10:29,148 --> 00:10:30,513 I can't get near Strickland. 274 00:10:30,515 --> 00:10:32,182 At least Marshall's having a good time. 275 00:10:32,184 --> 00:10:35,952 Man, he always knows just the right thing to say. 276 00:10:35,954 --> 00:10:38,855 For a gay guy, Andy Warhol sure liked cans. 277 00:10:41,459 --> 00:10:42,826 This sucks. 278 00:10:42,828 --> 00:10:44,544 Maybe I've lost my charm. 279 00:10:44,546 --> 00:10:46,213 No, Marshall, 280 00:10:46,215 --> 00:10:48,382 if Lily's gonna make it in this fancy art world, 281 00:10:48,384 --> 00:10:50,751 you're gonna have to make it, too, so suck it up, 282 00:10:50,753 --> 00:10:52,552 stop sitting on the art, 283 00:10:52,554 --> 00:10:55,055 and bust out the "A" material. 284 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,395 You two keep chugging like that, 285 00:11:01,397 --> 00:11:02,545 you're gonna have to 286 00:11:02,547 --> 00:11:04,765 Vincent van go to the bathroom, am I right? 287 00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:06,983 It's pronounced van Gogh. 288 00:11:08,603 --> 00:11:11,405 Oh, "blogh" me. 289 00:11:12,807 --> 00:11:15,142 I still don't get why someone would leave the hospital 290 00:11:15,144 --> 00:11:17,077 without changing into their clothes first. Over. 291 00:11:17,079 --> 00:11:18,412 Ted, this is my thing. 292 00:11:18,414 --> 00:11:20,330 So just... okay? 293 00:11:20,332 --> 00:11:21,331 Over. 294 00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:23,750 Okay? Over. 295 00:11:25,703 --> 00:11:26,870 Are you all right? 296 00:11:26,872 --> 00:11:28,355 What? Oh. 297 00:11:28,357 --> 00:11:30,991 Yes, yes, I'm fine. 298 00:11:30,993 --> 00:11:32,793 Tomorrow, I'm... 299 00:11:32,795 --> 00:11:35,562 donating a kidney to my best friend. 300 00:11:35,564 --> 00:11:37,898 My best friend Barney. 301 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,266 Not Marshall. 302 00:11:39,268 --> 00:11:40,901 Barney. 303 00:11:40,903 --> 00:11:42,402 Marshall's so lame. 304 00:11:43,838 --> 00:11:45,005 Anyway, uh... 305 00:11:45,007 --> 00:11:47,474 just wanted to grab one last drink, in case... 306 00:11:47,476 --> 00:11:50,010 you know, I don't make it. 307 00:11:50,012 --> 00:11:51,461 You are so brave. 308 00:11:51,463 --> 00:11:52,996 Hey, listen. 309 00:11:52,998 --> 00:11:56,133 Before I give my best friend this organ, how about... 310 00:11:57,402 --> 00:11:58,635 Nope. 311 00:11:58,637 --> 00:12:00,237 Nope, I'm not saying that. 312 00:12:01,072 --> 00:12:02,122 I did hear you, 313 00:12:02,124 --> 00:12:04,091 but I'm not saying that. 314 00:12:04,093 --> 00:12:05,292 Because I'm not. 315 00:12:05,294 --> 00:12:06,543 Are you okay? 316 00:12:06,545 --> 00:12:09,262 One second. I know you put a lot of work into this. 317 00:12:09,264 --> 00:12:10,464 I understand that. 318 00:12:11,265 --> 00:12:12,466 I understand that. 319 00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:14,468 I understand that. 320 00:12:16,537 --> 00:12:17,737 I understand that. 321 00:12:17,739 --> 00:12:19,089 Why can't I just talk to her? 322 00:12:19,091 --> 00:12:20,740 Maybe we'll hit it off... 323 00:12:23,212 --> 00:12:24,678 Fine. 324 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:26,379 Copy that. 325 00:12:29,518 --> 00:12:32,853 How about I give you a different organ? 326 00:12:33,988 --> 00:12:35,655 My penis. 327 00:12:39,277 --> 00:12:41,161 You said it wrong. 328 00:12:41,163 --> 00:12:42,846 I did not say it wrong! 329 00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:46,116 Thank you all so much for coming. 330 00:12:46,118 --> 00:12:47,467 If you'll indulge me, 331 00:12:47,469 --> 00:12:49,002 I would like to share a story 332 00:12:49,004 --> 00:12:51,154 about my dearly departed grandmother. 333 00:12:51,156 --> 00:12:52,339 Oh, God. 334 00:12:52,341 --> 00:12:54,341 News flash, Johnny Ascot: 335 00:12:54,343 --> 00:12:56,460 Lots of people have dead grandmas. 336 00:12:56,462 --> 00:12:57,827 No, Marshall. 337 00:12:57,829 --> 00:12:59,662 Don't be bitter. 338 00:12:59,664 --> 00:13:01,164 You're here for Lily. 339 00:13:01,166 --> 00:13:03,216 Just look at her, so professional. 340 00:13:03,218 --> 00:13:06,386 She hasn't sat on a single piece of art. 341 00:13:06,388 --> 00:13:09,556 You're gonna ride this thing out with dignity for Lily. 342 00:13:09,558 --> 00:13:12,342 Not one more thing that might embarrass her. 343 00:13:12,344 --> 00:13:15,562 I will simply stand here. 344 00:13:15,564 --> 00:13:19,015 Perfectly invisible. 345 00:13:19,017 --> 00:13:20,450 And so I dedicate this show 346 00:13:20,452 --> 00:13:22,569 to my grandmother's memory. 347 00:13:22,571 --> 00:13:24,521 Now... 348 00:13:24,523 --> 00:13:27,190 please join me in honoring her 349 00:13:27,192 --> 00:13:31,661 with 60 seconds of absolute silence. 350 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:06,213 Okay, Neruda, this play is 351 00:14:06,215 --> 00:14:07,697 extremely complicated. 352 00:14:07,699 --> 00:14:09,115 Let me guess. Does it involve me 353 00:14:09,117 --> 00:14:11,201 saying "my penis" in a Scottish accent? 354 00:14:11,203 --> 00:14:13,169 Now you're gettin' it, laddie! 355 00:14:14,539 --> 00:14:15,589 Hey! 356 00:14:15,591 --> 00:14:17,040 Robin. What are you doing here? 357 00:14:17,042 --> 00:14:18,341 I was curious as to whether 358 00:14:18,343 --> 00:14:20,043 you found Ted a date to our wedding 359 00:14:20,045 --> 00:14:22,178 who was a little less, you know, Antichrist-y. 360 00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:27,417 Is that the Playbook? 361 00:14:27,419 --> 00:14:32,589 No, Robin, that is a couch. 362 00:14:40,431 --> 00:14:42,732 Oh, you mean the Playbook on the couch? 363 00:14:42,734 --> 00:14:43,733 I can explain. 364 00:14:43,735 --> 00:14:44,767 Don't bother. 365 00:14:44,769 --> 00:14:46,786 I can ex... Uh, Ted? Uh... 366 00:14:46,788 --> 00:14:48,488 I got to step away from mission control for a sec. 367 00:14:48,490 --> 00:14:50,440 Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone. 368 00:14:50,442 --> 00:14:52,108 Robin... 369 00:15:04,877 --> 00:15:06,661 Robin, wait. 370 00:15:07,588 --> 00:15:09,287 Um... shoot. I haven't figured out 371 00:15:09,289 --> 00:15:11,423 what I'm gonna say yet. Keep going. 372 00:15:13,293 --> 00:15:14,810 Robin, wait. 373 00:15:16,145 --> 00:15:18,597 Look, I'm sorry that I still have the Playbook. 374 00:15:18,599 --> 00:15:21,099 It's just, it's filled with a lifetime of great ideas. 375 00:15:21,101 --> 00:15:23,185 Am I supposed to just leave all that behind? 376 00:15:23,187 --> 00:15:25,437 Yes. But... 377 00:15:25,439 --> 00:15:27,689 "Weekend at Barney's"! 378 00:15:27,691 --> 00:15:28,857 Okay, what is that? 379 00:15:28,859 --> 00:15:31,159 Explain the "Weekend at Barney's" to me. 380 00:15:31,161 --> 00:15:32,160 What's to explain? 381 00:15:32,162 --> 00:15:33,278 I play a dead guy, 382 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:34,813 and Ted and Marshall carry me around. 383 00:15:34,815 --> 00:15:36,865 Okay. And based on that, girls want to sleep with you. 384 00:15:36,867 --> 00:15:38,333 Big time. But you're dead. 385 00:15:38,335 --> 00:15:40,502 Yeah. Except not really, obviously. 386 00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:41,920 But the girl thinks you're dead. 387 00:15:41,922 --> 00:15:42,922 No, she thinks I'm alive. 388 00:15:42,923 --> 00:15:44,039 Which you are. Exactly. 389 00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:45,791 Except you're dead. Exactly. 390 00:15:45,793 --> 00:15:47,492 Except you're alive. Exactly. 391 00:15:47,494 --> 00:15:50,178 Okay, so instead of... of being an alive person 392 00:15:50,180 --> 00:15:52,047 pretending to be a dead person 393 00:15:52,049 --> 00:15:53,599 pretending to be an alive person, 394 00:15:53,601 --> 00:15:56,184 why not just be an alive person? 395 00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:59,605 Okay, let's start from the beginning. 396 00:15:59,607 --> 00:16:03,725 The movie is called Weekend at Bernie's. 397 00:16:03,727 --> 00:16:06,511 My name is Barney. 398 00:16:07,897 --> 00:16:09,698 I'm so sorry, sweetie. 399 00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,066 I don't know if you heard, 400 00:16:11,068 --> 00:16:12,401 but I dropped some Skittles. 401 00:16:12,403 --> 00:16:13,485 Do you know what, I'm just gonna 402 00:16:13,487 --> 00:16:14,786 go home before I make things worse. 403 00:16:14,788 --> 00:16:16,455 You're not going anywhere. 404 00:16:16,457 --> 00:16:17,623 We're a team. 405 00:16:17,625 --> 00:16:18,573 You stuck by me 406 00:16:18,575 --> 00:16:20,409 after my nip slip 407 00:16:20,411 --> 00:16:22,044 at your law school graduation. 408 00:16:22,046 --> 00:16:25,297 And after my nip slip at the GNB Christmas party. 409 00:16:25,299 --> 00:16:26,715 And after my nip slip 410 00:16:26,717 --> 00:16:29,051 at the Honeywell and Coots Family Fun Day. 411 00:16:29,053 --> 00:16:31,169 I don't know why you keep wearing that top. 412 00:16:31,171 --> 00:16:32,804 All right, I'll stay put, 413 00:16:32,806 --> 00:16:34,172 but I'm keeping my mouth shut. 414 00:16:34,174 --> 00:16:37,259 No more jokes, no more candy, 415 00:16:37,261 --> 00:16:39,311 no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 416 00:16:39,313 --> 00:16:41,046 Hey, are you guys talking Ninja Turtles? 417 00:16:41,764 --> 00:16:43,515 I'm a huge TMNT fan. 418 00:16:43,517 --> 00:16:45,183 I grew up on those comic books. 419 00:16:45,185 --> 00:16:47,519 Me, too! I was obsessed. 420 00:16:47,521 --> 00:16:49,604 Did you know that the original comic debuted 421 00:16:49,606 --> 00:16:51,940 in 1984 at a convention in New Hampshire? 422 00:16:51,942 --> 00:16:53,391 Uh, yes. 423 00:16:53,393 --> 00:16:55,560 Did you know that Eastman and Laird always had their doubts 424 00:16:55,562 --> 00:16:56,995 about their characters being commercialized? 425 00:16:56,997 --> 00:16:58,196 Yes! 426 00:16:58,198 --> 00:16:59,998 Did you know that the painting on the back wall 427 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,500 is inspired by Master Splinter? 428 00:17:02,452 --> 00:17:05,003 Oh, the one of the rat doing karate. 429 00:17:05,005 --> 00:17:06,955 I see it now. 430 00:17:06,957 --> 00:17:08,123 Hey, I'm Strickland. 431 00:17:08,125 --> 00:17:09,574 Hey. Marshall. 432 00:17:09,576 --> 00:17:12,461 And this is my wife, Lily, who, as a matter of fact, 433 00:17:12,463 --> 00:17:14,596 happens to represent one of the biggest art collectors 434 00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:15,681 in New York City. 435 00:17:15,683 --> 00:17:16,965 I love your work. 436 00:17:16,967 --> 00:17:19,584 It's great to see you getting some recognition. 437 00:17:19,586 --> 00:17:21,419 Thank you. It's been a long haul. 438 00:17:21,421 --> 00:17:23,388 The first painting I ever sold, 439 00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:26,475 I used the money to get my car fixed. 440 00:17:26,477 --> 00:17:28,143 You might say... 441 00:17:28,145 --> 00:17:31,096 I used it to make my van go. 442 00:17:31,098 --> 00:17:32,397 That's... 443 00:17:34,284 --> 00:17:37,369 Um, a little something called rigor mortis? 444 00:17:37,371 --> 00:17:38,770 Oh, come on. 445 00:17:38,772 --> 00:17:40,772 Are you really this mad about a book? 446 00:17:40,774 --> 00:17:43,942 You really think that this is just about a book, Barney? 447 00:17:44,744 --> 00:17:45,660 You lied to me. 448 00:17:45,662 --> 00:17:47,112 If we're gonna be in a marriage 449 00:17:47,114 --> 00:17:49,581 and trust each other, you can't lie to me ever. 450 00:17:49,583 --> 00:17:50,665 Really? 451 00:17:50,667 --> 00:17:52,117 Well, that's just great. 452 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:55,253 Because, in case you haven't noticed these last eight years, 453 00:17:55,255 --> 00:17:57,389 lying is what I do best. 454 00:17:59,142 --> 00:18:00,458 I'm a magician, Robin. 455 00:18:00,460 --> 00:18:04,629 Misdirection and deceit are my stock in trade. 456 00:18:04,631 --> 00:18:06,381 You don't want me to lie to you? 457 00:18:06,383 --> 00:18:09,101 Lies are the reason that we're together. 458 00:18:09,103 --> 00:18:10,969 Everything single thing I did 459 00:18:10,971 --> 00:18:13,238 to get you to say yes to me on that rooftop-- 460 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,574 Patrice, the false engagement, everything-- 461 00:18:15,576 --> 00:18:17,826 it was all utter malarkey. 462 00:18:17,828 --> 00:18:18,910 But... 463 00:18:18,912 --> 00:18:20,996 underneath all of those lies 464 00:18:20,998 --> 00:18:23,198 is one true thing. 465 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,201 One true thing that can support the weight 466 00:18:26,203 --> 00:18:29,287 of all the lies in the world, and... 467 00:18:29,289 --> 00:18:31,289 and that's the fact that I love you. 468 00:18:31,291 --> 00:18:32,607 And you know 469 00:18:32,609 --> 00:18:34,176 that when I say that... 470 00:18:34,178 --> 00:18:35,677 I am not lying. 471 00:18:45,504 --> 00:18:46,688 Wha... 472 00:18:57,366 --> 00:18:58,867 Did you just unhook my bra again? 473 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:01,219 Jeanette, 474 00:19:01,221 --> 00:19:02,487 this is great. 475 00:19:02,489 --> 00:19:03,855 We're back together. 476 00:19:03,857 --> 00:19:06,541 You're coming to Barney and Robin's wedding. 477 00:19:06,543 --> 00:19:09,494 I found two wine glasses you didn't smash. 478 00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:11,546 Call me crazy, but I've got a feeling, 479 00:19:11,548 --> 00:19:14,299 from here on out, it's gonna be nothing but blue skies and... 480 00:19:14,301 --> 00:19:15,250 What... 481 00:19:15,252 --> 00:19:16,701 the hell... 482 00:19:16,703 --> 00:19:18,420 is this?! 483 00:19:20,924 --> 00:19:22,057 Uh-oh. 484 00:19:22,059 --> 00:19:23,725 Check out this text from Ted. 485 00:19:29,165 --> 00:19:30,365 Oh, my... 486 00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:32,234 What the hell happened here? 487 00:19:32,236 --> 00:19:34,402 Jeanette and I had a little spat. 488 00:19:36,490 --> 00:19:37,989 Would anyone like some wine? 489 00:19:37,991 --> 00:19:39,524 It's a nice Côtes du Rhne. 490 00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:41,026 Still needs to breathe a bit. 491 00:19:41,028 --> 00:19:43,495 You know what? I got a decanter upstairs, so... 492 00:19:44,563 --> 00:19:47,232 We should just drink it now. 493 00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:48,500 And for 494 00:19:48,502 --> 00:19:49,701 the grand finale, 495 00:19:49,703 --> 00:19:51,236 I found your fireworks. 496 00:19:51,238 --> 00:19:53,371 Let's see what they do to your precious Playbook! 497 00:19:53,373 --> 00:19:54,572 No! 498 00:19:54,574 --> 00:19:55,674 Jeanette, please, 499 00:19:55,676 --> 00:19:57,359 that's Barney's life's work! 500 00:19:57,361 --> 00:19:58,743 It's fine, Ted. 501 00:19:59,929 --> 00:20:01,263 Blow it up, Jeanette. 502 00:20:01,265 --> 00:20:05,684 ♪ Put a candle in the window 503 00:20:09,138 --> 00:20:13,758 ♪ 'Cause I feel I've got to move ♪ 504 00:20:17,230 --> 00:20:21,199 ♪ Though I'm going, going 505 00:20:21,201 --> 00:20:24,452 ♪ I'll be coming home soon 506 00:20:24,454 --> 00:20:28,290 ♪ Long as I can see the light... ♪ 507 00:20:38,134 --> 00:20:39,968 Okay. 508 00:20:39,970 --> 00:20:42,470 No more dating. 509 00:20:42,472 --> 00:20:44,339 I'm ready to settle down. 510 00:20:44,341 --> 00:20:45,757 And, kids... 511 00:20:45,759 --> 00:20:47,175 for the first time in my life, 512 00:20:47,177 --> 00:20:48,677 I really meant it. 513 00:20:48,679 --> 00:20:49,627 Oh! 514 00:20:49,629 --> 00:20:51,680 Oh... The boots... 515 00:20:54,401 --> 00:20:59,401 == sync, corrected by elderman ==