1 00:01:49,084 --> 00:01:50,948 Kids, there's nothing more wonderful 2 00:00:02,544 --> 00:00:04,318 than New York City in the winter... 3 00:00:04,353 --> 00:00:06,507 except the view of New York City in the winter 4 00:00:06,517 --> 00:00:08,379 through your apartment window. 5 00:00:08,421 --> 00:00:11,307 In the winter of 2006, Marshall, Lily, Robin and I 6 00:00:11,317 --> 00:00:13,901 were all deep in couple hibernation mode. 7 00:00:13,911 --> 00:00:16,604 Sadly, this left Uncle Barney out in the cold. 8 00:00:16,614 --> 00:00:18,792 Okay. All-night rave, 9 00:00:18,802 --> 00:00:20,655 abandoned tire factory in Newark. 10 00:00:20,668 --> 00:00:22,420 We're on the list. Who's in? 11 00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:24,141 - Nope. - No. 12 00:00:26,137 --> 00:00:30,103 Private jet. Teeterboro Airport, skinny-skydiving. Who's in? 13 00:00:30,119 --> 00:00:31,572 - Nope. - No, thanks. 14 00:00:33,429 --> 00:00:38,422 One beer. Bar, downstairs, 15 second walk. Who's in? 15 00:00:38,436 --> 00:00:41,913 Shh... Lily went sleepy-bye. 16 00:00:43,896 --> 00:00:46,892 It got so bad, Barney tried to be his own wingman. 17 00:00:46,905 --> 00:00:49,283 Hi. Have you met me? 18 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:53,930 Finally, he decided to bring in reinforcements. 19 00:00:53,948 --> 00:00:55,373 - No. - No. 20 00:00:55,398 --> 00:00:58,133 Yes. And do you know why? 21 00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:01,701 Hang on to your bedsores, grandparents from Willy Wonka, 22 00:01:01,715 --> 00:01:04,931 because guess who's on his way up to this apartment right now? 23 00:01:04,948 --> 00:01:07,761 My... wait for it... 24 00:01:07,775 --> 00:01:10,382 brother, James. React. 25 00:01:10,397 --> 00:01:11,562 - Hey! - Hey! 26 00:01:11,578 --> 00:01:13,053 - You have a brother? - Yeah. 27 00:01:13,068 --> 00:01:17,273 He's the "awesome-est," most best "looking-est," greatest guy ever. 28 00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:19,220 He's exactly like Barney. 29 00:01:19,235 --> 00:01:20,763 That's what I just said. 30 00:01:21,258 --> 00:01:24,151 Well, Barney and his brother aren't exactly alike. 31 00:01:24,166 --> 00:01:25,650 James is gay. 32 00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:27,582 Really? I never in a million years 33 00:01:27,596 --> 00:01:30,233 would I picture you with a gay brother, that's awesome. 34 00:01:30,247 --> 00:01:31,973 Yeah. I just wanted you to have a heads up, 35 00:01:31,987 --> 00:01:34,433 so you don't act all surprised when he gets here. 36 00:01:34,757 --> 00:01:36,132 Here he is. 37 00:01:38,286 --> 00:01:40,072 What up, New York. 38 00:01:42,707 --> 00:01:44,190 Thanks for the heads up. 39 00:01:59,937 --> 00:02:04,302 How in God's name did it never come up that Barney has a gay, black brother? 40 00:02:04,438 --> 00:02:05,901 Is he black? 41 00:02:05,927 --> 00:02:08,711 I guess I'm the kind of person that focuses on who people are on the inside 42 00:02:08,747 --> 00:02:11,070 rather than the color of their skin. 43 00:02:11,085 --> 00:02:14,060 I'm kidding, I just wanted to see your face. 44 00:02:14,487 --> 00:02:16,362 Yeah, so now the wedding's back on. 45 00:02:16,378 --> 00:02:18,100 Anyway, James, how have you been? 46 00:02:18,115 --> 00:02:19,613 Awesome, as per "yoozh." 47 00:02:19,628 --> 00:02:22,591 I just went skinny-skydiving. Legendary. 48 00:02:22,605 --> 00:02:25,402 And my laser tag team, just made it to regional finals. 49 00:02:25,415 --> 00:02:27,160 "Legendarier." 50 00:02:27,178 --> 00:02:29,162 And by now you've noticed the suit-- 51 00:02:29,177 --> 00:02:30,220 go 'head, touch it. 52 00:02:30,238 --> 00:02:32,902 Handcrafted by Pietro Dellacamera, 53 00:02:32,916 --> 00:02:36,722 Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor 54 00:02:36,738 --> 00:02:39,023 who upon completing the very last stitch 55 00:02:39,038 --> 00:02:41,043 in this suit dropped dead, 56 00:02:41,058 --> 00:02:44,071 which is ironic because that is how gorgeous I look in it. 57 00:02:44,087 --> 00:02:45,312 C'mon. 58 00:02:50,207 --> 00:02:51,432 Gimme five. 59 00:02:51,695 --> 00:02:53,050 Is "gimme five" back? 60 00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:55,450 Oh, yeah. I put it in my blog this morning. 61 00:02:55,556 --> 00:02:58,000 Guys, "gimme five" is back! 62 00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:00,121 Oh, James, this is my girlfriend, Robin. 63 00:03:00,137 --> 00:03:02,533 - Hey. It's so nice to meet you. - You, too. 64 00:03:02,548 --> 00:03:05,332 So, I have to ask, there's a story here. 65 00:03:05,798 --> 00:03:07,123 Please. 66 00:03:07,596 --> 00:03:10,160 The truth is, Barney and James got a lot of... 67 00:03:10,176 --> 00:03:12,561 different explanations from their mom over the years. 68 00:03:12,576 --> 00:03:14,730 Well, boys, you look different 69 00:03:14,748 --> 00:03:16,770 because when I was pregnant with you, 70 00:03:16,785 --> 00:03:19,001 I only ate vanilla ice cream. 71 00:03:19,015 --> 00:03:20,980 And when I was pregnant with you, 72 00:03:20,996 --> 00:03:23,122 can you guess what kind of ice cream I ate? 73 00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,201 - Coffee? - No, James, 74 00:03:25,216 --> 00:03:27,531 I ate chocolate ice cream. 75 00:03:27,547 --> 00:03:31,331 But I did drink tons of coffee when I was pregnant with both of you. 76 00:03:31,348 --> 00:03:33,482 Can't smoke without my coffee. 77 00:03:34,128 --> 00:03:38,280 I don't know, boys, I guess it's just one of those things. 78 00:03:39,095 --> 00:03:40,671 Stop asking me! 79 00:03:40,685 --> 00:03:43,560 You know what you two are? You're little racists! 80 00:03:43,686 --> 00:03:45,513 So what are you guys gonna do tonight? 81 00:03:45,527 --> 00:03:47,071 I'll tell you what James is gonna do. 82 00:03:47,086 --> 00:03:49,091 He's gonna do the job you've been neglecting. 83 00:03:49,105 --> 00:03:52,991 And, as always, he'll do it a lot better than you ever did. 84 00:03:53,028 --> 00:03:54,280 Ted... 85 00:03:54,297 --> 00:03:57,401 James is my wingman now. 86 00:03:57,916 --> 00:03:59,332 Okay. 87 00:04:00,178 --> 00:04:03,600 Last time James was in town, Barney got slapped once, 88 00:04:03,617 --> 00:04:05,281 lucky twice, and... 89 00:04:05,297 --> 00:04:07,133 whose penthouse hot tub did you end up in? 90 00:04:07,148 --> 00:04:09,511 Ah, public figure, confidentiality agreement. 91 00:04:09,526 --> 00:04:10,832 But I will say this: 92 00:04:10,848 --> 00:04:12,473 way more back hair than any guy 93 00:04:12,488 --> 00:04:15,630 who can afford laser hair removal should have. 94 00:04:15,645 --> 00:04:19,773 And then there was the time they scored the brother/sister combo. 95 00:04:19,785 --> 00:04:21,372 It was everything we ever dreamed of 96 00:04:21,385 --> 00:04:23,203 when watching Donnie and Marie. 97 00:04:23,215 --> 00:04:25,100 She was a little bit country. 98 00:04:25,115 --> 00:04:27,880 He was a little bit way into black guys. 99 00:04:27,905 --> 00:04:31,351 Yeah, Barney and James together was a lethal combination. 100 00:04:31,368 --> 00:04:33,763 Since there was never any crossover in targets, 101 00:04:32,077 --> 00:04:35,180 James was always there for Barney with the assist. 102 00:04:41,918 --> 00:04:44,103 Whoa. Your scarf... 103 00:04:44,115 --> 00:04:46,022 it is fierce! 104 00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:47,611 Thanks. H & M. 105 00:04:47,625 --> 00:04:49,133 What? I would never know, 106 00:04:49,145 --> 00:04:53,503 'cause it is so hot that my eyes are melting. Oh, I can't see. 107 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,083 Hey! You know, speaking of things 108 00:04:56,098 --> 00:04:57,883 that would look good wrapped around you, 109 00:04:57,897 --> 00:05:00,313 have you met my straight brother, Barney? 110 00:05:00,326 --> 00:05:04,792 Oh, he is fab-- don't you go nowhere-- "ulous." Okay? 111 00:05:04,265 --> 00:05:06,680 And Barney always returned the favor. 112 00:05:06,698 --> 00:05:08,243 Help, I don't think he's breathing. 113 00:05:08,256 --> 00:05:09,973 Does anyone know mouth-to-mouth? 114 00:05:09,988 --> 00:05:11,973 Oh, my God, I do! 115 00:05:12,175 --> 00:05:14,833 Okay, great. How 'bout you instead? 116 00:05:15,705 --> 00:05:17,881 Oh, man, I am so excited that you're here! 117 00:05:17,895 --> 00:05:20,013 It has been forever since I have been around anyone 118 00:05:20,027 --> 00:05:21,670 even remotely fun. 119 00:05:21,686 --> 00:05:23,623 Uh, yes offense. 120 00:05:24,127 --> 00:05:26,360 You guys are still going out with us tonight, right? 121 00:05:26,375 --> 00:05:27,970 - No. - Jammies. 122 00:05:27,985 --> 00:05:30,341 Tonight? It's after 9:00 and... 123 00:05:30,355 --> 00:05:32,371 I have warm soup belly. 124 00:05:32,487 --> 00:05:35,371 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys... 125 00:05:35,387 --> 00:05:38,163 you are young, attractive people here 126 00:05:38,177 --> 00:05:40,651 in the greatest city on earth. 127 00:05:40,666 --> 00:05:42,121 There are boys and girls 128 00:05:42,136 --> 00:05:44,892 in Nobody Cares, Wyoming, wishing they could be here. 129 00:05:44,906 --> 00:05:48,183 But instead, they are in someone's basement drinking bad malt liquor, 130 00:05:48,195 --> 00:05:50,891 debating whether or not they're going to spend their Saturday night 131 00:05:50,907 --> 00:05:52,422 in the parking lot of the feed store 132 00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:54,722 or in some other dude's basement. 133 00:05:54,736 --> 00:05:57,423 You owe it to them to rise up 134 00:05:57,506 --> 00:05:59,713 and shimmy your lazy asses into something hot, 135 00:05:59,728 --> 00:06:02,890 and you go out there and you live their dream! 136 00:06:02,907 --> 00:06:04,661 - Can I get a "hell, yeah"? - Hell, yeah! 137 00:06:04,797 --> 00:06:07,241 - Can I get a "hell, yeah"? - Hell, yeah! 138 00:06:07,258 --> 00:06:08,911 - Can I get a "woo-woo"? - Woo-woo! 139 00:06:08,926 --> 00:06:12,060 Go do it for Wyoming! Yes! 140 00:06:12,145 --> 00:06:13,842 Testify! 141 00:06:14,676 --> 00:06:17,033 So that night, Barney got his wish. 142 00:06:17,048 --> 00:06:18,181 We all went out. 143 00:06:18,197 --> 00:06:19,690 Daddy's home! 144 00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:21,301 Yeah. 145 00:06:23,737 --> 00:06:25,663 All right, bro. What do you like? 146 00:06:25,679 --> 00:06:27,842 Guy in super tight black T? 147 00:06:27,859 --> 00:06:29,531 Super tight black guy? 148 00:06:29,548 --> 00:06:31,122 Guy who looks like Mr. T? 149 00:06:31,135 --> 00:06:34,481 Mmm, yes, yes, and... talk to me after two martinis. 150 00:06:34,497 --> 00:06:36,542 Let's focus on you, my man. 151 00:06:36,888 --> 00:06:38,633 I'm feeling lazy. 152 00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:40,350 How 'bout girl with the chocolatini? 153 00:06:40,368 --> 00:06:43,292 Oh... boom, back tattoo. 154 00:06:43,428 --> 00:06:45,010 Hero and the pig? 155 00:06:45,027 --> 00:06:46,932 - Let's ride. - Fo' 'sho. 156 00:06:48,955 --> 00:06:52,131 Damn baby, nice tramp stamp! 157 00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:53,800 - Get off me, you pig! - Hey! Hey! 158 00:06:53,815 --> 00:06:55,990 Her body art is not an invitation to grope her, 159 00:06:56,005 --> 00:06:58,090 it's an expression of her inner self. 160 00:06:58,108 --> 00:07:02,130 I'm sure, in many ways, she is the dolphin encircled by flowers. 161 00:07:02,147 --> 00:07:03,661 - What? What? - What? What? 162 00:07:03,677 --> 00:07:05,400 Cool. 163 00:07:07,738 --> 00:07:09,312 Let me know if he bothers you again. 164 00:07:09,327 --> 00:07:12,852 Thanks. You should stay close... just in case. 165 00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:15,752 Sure. If it'll make you feel safer. 166 00:07:16,008 --> 00:07:17,261 I'm Barney. 167 00:07:17,546 --> 00:07:20,731 Now, kids, when you're out at a noisy, crowded bar, 168 00:07:20,747 --> 00:07:23,613 you can always tell the difference between the singles 169 00:07:23,626 --> 00:07:25,192 and the couples. 170 00:07:25,205 --> 00:07:27,573 You just have to look for the signs. 171 00:07:28,176 --> 00:07:29,380 - Break. - Boiling hot. 172 00:07:29,398 --> 00:07:31,651 Singles stay on their feet for maneuverability. 173 00:07:31,666 --> 00:07:33,112 - Hey! - Hi, how are ya? 174 00:07:33,125 --> 00:07:35,862 Have you met my brother? 175 00:07:36,377 --> 00:07:38,800 Oh, hello. Have a drink. 176 00:07:38,816 --> 00:07:40,491 Nice to meet ya. 177 00:07:42,928 --> 00:07:45,981 Couples, exhausted by the sheer act of leaving the house, 178 00:07:45,997 --> 00:07:48,401 are obsessed with finding a place to sit down. 179 00:07:49,286 --> 00:07:51,591 There are a lot of other indicators, too. 180 00:07:51,607 --> 00:07:53,773 From choice of social lubricant... 181 00:07:55,627 --> 00:07:57,592 ...to basic body language. 182 00:07:58,157 --> 00:08:00,321 But the point is, there are many ways to tell 183 00:08:00,335 --> 00:08:02,451 whether someone has Single Stamina 184 00:08:02,466 --> 00:08:03,890 or Couples Coma. 185 00:08:03,905 --> 00:08:05,481 I wish I would've worn sneakers. 186 00:08:05,497 --> 00:08:08,333 I just got finished running from some fat, hairy guy 187 00:08:08,346 --> 00:08:10,803 who was periscoping out of his pleather pants. 188 00:08:10,816 --> 00:08:13,343 Permission to come aboard denied. 189 00:08:13,546 --> 00:08:15,313 I miss my jammies. 190 00:08:15,326 --> 00:08:17,622 I can't believe I wore a bra for this. 191 00:08:17,637 --> 00:08:20,623 Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural. 192 00:08:20,636 --> 00:08:22,822 Yeah, they're like a boobie zoo. 193 00:08:22,837 --> 00:08:25,380 Well, why don't you take it off then and let those puppies breathe? 194 00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,520 Oh, please go sweat on someone else. 195 00:08:28,357 --> 00:08:29,713 Poor guy. 196 00:08:29,948 --> 00:08:32,063 Poor guy? Poor my boobs. 197 00:08:32,077 --> 00:08:33,972 Well, it takes a lot of guts to approach a girl 198 00:08:33,986 --> 00:08:35,482 and you just crushed him. 199 00:08:35,498 --> 00:08:38,841 Oh, yeah, yeah. He looks all broken up inside. 200 00:08:39,057 --> 00:08:40,653 Whatever, you guys have no idea what it's like 201 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:42,252 to be on the receiving end. 202 00:08:42,265 --> 00:08:45,791 "Oh, poor me. I'm a pretty girl 203 00:08:45,807 --> 00:08:47,770 and everybody everywhere wants to buy me drinks 204 00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,351 and have sex with me." 205 00:08:49,366 --> 00:08:50,241 Waa. 206 00:08:50,258 --> 00:08:53,130 "Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy, pink drinks 207 00:08:53,145 --> 00:08:55,181 with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like, 208 00:08:55,195 --> 00:08:56,950 but can't order because they'll be made fun of." 209 00:08:56,988 --> 00:08:58,653 - Dude. - They're delicious! 210 00:08:59,517 --> 00:09:02,182 Excuse me. Join me in a shot? 211 00:09:02,195 --> 00:09:04,101 Oh, no thanks. I've had enough. 212 00:09:07,627 --> 00:09:09,013 He's too in shape, 213 00:09:09,028 --> 00:09:12,081 we'd spend all night talking about his body fat content. 214 00:09:12,328 --> 00:09:13,931 Now, if you'll excuse me, 215 00:09:13,947 --> 00:09:17,782 I'm gonna go have a yummy, pink drink with fruit in it... 216 00:09:17,796 --> 00:09:19,372 because I can. 217 00:09:20,845 --> 00:09:22,951 You know, that was, like, the third hot guy 218 00:09:22,968 --> 00:09:24,662 that James blew off tonight. 219 00:09:24,678 --> 00:09:27,090 Yeah, he's turning down shots, he's yawning, 220 00:09:27,105 --> 00:09:28,853 he's whining about his feet. 221 00:09:28,867 --> 00:09:30,613 He's as bad as we are. 222 00:09:30,627 --> 00:09:31,802 He is. 223 00:09:31,816 --> 00:09:35,460 Wait, he's exactly as bad as we are. You guys don't think that James is... 224 00:09:35,478 --> 00:09:36,842 in a relationship? 225 00:09:36,858 --> 00:09:39,542 No. There's no way. He's Barney's brother. 226 00:09:39,555 --> 00:09:41,122 Look at that. 227 00:09:41,768 --> 00:09:43,602 He's texting! 228 00:09:44,776 --> 00:09:46,310 Oh, my God! 229 00:09:46,327 --> 00:09:48,012 He is in a couple. 230 00:09:48,028 --> 00:09:50,032 This is gonna kill Barney. 231 00:09:50,046 --> 00:09:51,543 What's gonna kill me? 232 00:09:51,746 --> 00:09:53,362 What's going on? 233 00:09:53,775 --> 00:09:55,330 B-Barney? 234 00:09:56,105 --> 00:09:59,602 Have you noticed anything... different about James? 235 00:09:59,617 --> 00:10:00,672 No. 236 00:10:00,698 --> 00:10:03,842 I mean, he's glowing from his peel, if that's what you mean. 237 00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:08,133 We have reason to believe that James is, uh, 238 00:10:08,148 --> 00:10:09,640 maybe hiding something from you. 239 00:10:09,658 --> 00:10:11,990 I-I know you're not gonna like hearing this, but... 240 00:10:12,007 --> 00:10:13,440 Barney... 241 00:10:13,645 --> 00:10:15,652 your brother is... 242 00:10:16,546 --> 00:10:18,273 monogamous. 243 00:10:19,435 --> 00:10:21,560 That's ridiculous! 244 00:10:21,618 --> 00:10:24,162 Just because he's a little sleepy, 245 00:10:24,178 --> 00:10:27,381 and he hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall... 246 00:10:29,305 --> 00:10:32,723 He hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall. 247 00:10:32,888 --> 00:10:35,051 And, Barney... 248 00:10:35,066 --> 00:10:37,881 I hate to be the one to tell you this, but... 249 00:10:38,817 --> 00:10:40,332 he's texting. 250 00:10:40,346 --> 00:10:42,680 No, he... No! 251 00:10:44,375 --> 00:10:47,162 That... is impossible. 252 00:10:50,105 --> 00:10:53,350 Excuse... Excuse... Ex... 253 00:10:54,715 --> 00:10:55,772 Hey, bro. 254 00:10:55,786 --> 00:10:57,471 Don't change the subject. 255 00:10:57,485 --> 00:10:58,663 Let me see your phone. 256 00:10:58,676 --> 00:10:59,423 Why? 257 00:10:59,435 --> 00:11:01,122 I just want to see your phone. Let me see your phone. 258 00:11:01,158 --> 00:11:03,310 No, it's just a phone. It's just a phone! 259 00:11:03,327 --> 00:11:05,542 And it's got Internet access, and it's got a camera on it, 260 00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:07,302 and you can surf the Web and do the whole thing. 261 00:11:07,335 --> 00:11:09,863 It's so amazing how far technology has come. 262 00:11:09,875 --> 00:11:10,942 What kind of phone do you have? 263 00:11:10,976 --> 00:11:12,130 I got... 264 00:11:17,056 --> 00:11:18,261 Who is this? 265 00:11:18,276 --> 00:11:21,623 And the answer better be: "I don't remember his name." 266 00:11:22,965 --> 00:11:24,901 That is Tom. 267 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,583 And he's my fiancé. 268 00:11:33,597 --> 00:11:34,662 Hey. 269 00:11:36,248 --> 00:11:37,980 I don't support this. 270 00:11:38,035 --> 00:11:39,131 Gay marriage? 271 00:11:39,145 --> 00:11:41,812 Not gay marriage-- marriage! 272 00:11:42,737 --> 00:11:44,423 How can you do this? 273 00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,340 We were raised in the same house, with the same values! 274 00:11:47,717 --> 00:11:50,791 Believe me, I fought this for a long time. 275 00:11:50,807 --> 00:11:52,853 Come on, it's embarrassing. 276 00:11:53,167 --> 00:11:56,352 Look, this felt unnatural to me, too, at first. 277 00:11:56,408 --> 00:11:58,773 But I fell in love. 278 00:11:58,788 --> 00:12:01,413 And Tom and I realized you can't fight love. 279 00:12:01,428 --> 00:12:02,630 Oh, God. 280 00:12:02,645 --> 00:12:05,101 Is that what you two do together? You sit around the house 281 00:12:05,117 --> 00:12:08,823 and talk about love? I think... I'm gonna be sick. 282 00:12:08,838 --> 00:12:10,552 Okay, okay, look, 283 00:12:10,466 --> 00:12:12,133 I need you to wrap your head around this, okay? 284 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,190 Because it is happening. 285 00:12:14,615 --> 00:12:17,191 And I want you to be my best man. 286 00:12:17,307 --> 00:12:19,982 What? No way. 287 00:12:24,515 --> 00:12:26,613 Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. 288 00:12:31,128 --> 00:12:32,913 I hope you change your mind. 289 00:12:38,828 --> 00:12:40,291 Two beers, one shot. 290 00:12:40,306 --> 00:12:42,800 Oh, it's a freaking epidemic. 291 00:12:46,945 --> 00:12:50,163 Oh, sweetie! Did you make that for me? 292 00:12:51,576 --> 00:12:52,993 Yes. 293 00:12:54,866 --> 00:12:57,530 Clam Bake. Staten Island. Who's in? 294 00:12:58,438 --> 00:13:01,102 Okay, I didn't have high hopes for that one. 295 00:13:01,307 --> 00:13:03,000 Okay, here's my thing. 296 00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:04,663 If gay guys start getting married, 297 00:13:04,675 --> 00:13:06,983 then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. 298 00:13:06,998 --> 00:13:08,590 That's how it works. They start something, 299 00:13:08,627 --> 00:13:11,302 then six months later, everyone follows. 300 00:13:11,317 --> 00:13:13,881 Like now everyone gets manicures. 301 00:13:13,895 --> 00:13:15,242 I don't get manicures. 302 00:13:15,256 --> 00:13:18,383 Okay, then like how... Like getting your chest waxed. 303 00:13:18,396 --> 00:13:20,071 You get your chest waxed? 304 00:13:20,085 --> 00:13:21,813 You know what I mean! 305 00:13:22,405 --> 00:13:24,752 Gay marriage is going to cause single life, 306 00:13:24,766 --> 00:13:26,942 as we know it, to die out. 307 00:13:26,958 --> 00:13:30,412 Think of how the American family will be strengthened. 308 00:13:30,428 --> 00:13:32,702 Barney, I'm sorry you're upset, but you got to suck it up 309 00:13:32,718 --> 00:13:33,830 and be a man about this. 310 00:13:33,846 --> 00:13:34,883 No. 311 00:13:34,895 --> 00:13:38,601 It's always been me and him together, being awesome, 312 00:13:38,615 --> 00:13:41,053 while the rest of you walked two-by-two 313 00:13:41,068 --> 00:13:43,830 onto your ark of sexless boredom. 314 00:13:43,847 --> 00:13:45,670 Just because James is getting married 315 00:13:45,688 --> 00:13:47,480 doesn't mean things are going to change. 316 00:13:47,496 --> 00:13:50,812 Yeah. Like things haven't changed with you people. 317 00:13:51,926 --> 00:13:54,152 Look, my sister married a guy I didn't like. 318 00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,583 Sandals and socks-- come on, buddy. 319 00:13:56,597 --> 00:13:58,740 But I took her out, we celebrated. 320 00:13:58,757 --> 00:14:00,113 It was the right thing to do. 321 00:14:00,128 --> 00:14:01,872 You got to support him. 322 00:14:03,708 --> 00:14:05,682 You're right, Ted. 323 00:14:05,798 --> 00:14:08,531 This is a cause for celebration. 324 00:14:08,546 --> 00:14:11,953 We need to take him out and celebrate the commitment 325 00:14:11,965 --> 00:14:14,260 he and Tom are about to make. 326 00:14:16,938 --> 00:14:18,872 Yeah. This is where we're celebrating 327 00:14:18,886 --> 00:14:21,401 the commitment that Tom and I are about to make? 328 00:14:21,416 --> 00:14:22,730 What? Yeah! 329 00:14:22,747 --> 00:14:25,951 See, that cage represents your commitment. 330 00:14:31,236 --> 00:14:35,180 Oh, my God. Freedom has never tasted so delicious. 331 00:14:35,258 --> 00:14:36,451 Hey. 332 00:14:36,465 --> 00:14:38,111 You work out? 333 00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:39,552 I do. 334 00:14:39,565 --> 00:14:41,352 And thank you for noticing. 335 00:14:41,366 --> 00:14:43,570 You're obviously in very good shape yourself. 336 00:14:43,587 --> 00:14:45,140 Well, I try. 337 00:14:45,156 --> 00:14:46,751 So you want to dance? 338 00:14:47,097 --> 00:14:49,471 You know what? I'm very flattered, and, objectively, 339 00:14:49,486 --> 00:14:52,651 you're a very attractive man, but this is actually my fiancée. 340 00:14:52,665 --> 00:14:55,311 I'm sorry. You know, I saw your drink and I... 341 00:14:55,325 --> 00:14:58,170 No, no, this isn't my drink. This is hers. 342 00:14:58,187 --> 00:15:00,033 No, it isn't. 343 00:15:00,555 --> 00:15:01,890 Whatever. 344 00:15:01,907 --> 00:15:03,212 How 'bout you? 345 00:15:03,227 --> 00:15:04,782 Oh, I'm straight, too. 346 00:15:04,797 --> 00:15:06,730 But I thank you for your time, 347 00:15:06,745 --> 00:15:09,733 and I appreciate your interest in my body. 348 00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:12,973 You see that? 349 00:15:12,985 --> 00:15:15,013 Being hit on doesn't have to be terrible. 350 00:15:15,027 --> 00:15:18,192 I feel flattered, and everyone left with their dignity. 351 00:15:20,376 --> 00:15:22,511 Hey, I really like your sweater. 352 00:15:22,527 --> 00:15:25,273 Wow. You actually do, don't you? 353 00:15:25,287 --> 00:15:27,722 You're not checking out my boobs or anything. 354 00:15:27,738 --> 00:15:30,060 My name's Gay Ken, what do you think? 355 00:15:30,077 --> 00:15:32,423 I love this place! Let's dance! 356 00:15:32,435 --> 00:15:35,070 - And not be groped! - Whoo! Thank you. 357 00:15:37,535 --> 00:15:40,120 - Damn. - Thank you! 358 00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:43,210 - We're hot. - Totally. 359 00:15:44,167 --> 00:15:46,393 And then Tom says to the dealer 360 00:15:46,405 --> 00:15:50,193 that the handmade Georgian clock has a chip on the corner. 361 00:15:50,205 --> 00:15:53,370 Blam, we get that puppy half price. What up?! 362 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,653 Bam! 363 00:15:55,548 --> 00:15:59,413 Sounds like you really rocked that arts and crafts fair. 364 00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:00,810 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. 365 00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:03,703 Hey, oh, my God. This is so liberating, 366 00:16:03,715 --> 00:16:05,890 being able to talk about this to you. 367 00:16:05,908 --> 00:16:07,493 I cannot wait for you to meet Tom. 368 00:16:07,505 --> 00:16:10,021 And I cannot wait for you to meet my good friend... 369 00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:11,421 this guy. 370 00:16:11,685 --> 00:16:13,833 Excuse me, do you know anyone who would like to buy 371 00:16:13,845 --> 00:16:16,843 my incredibly muscular, fun, large-handed brother a drink? 372 00:16:16,855 --> 00:16:20,813 Eh, eh, eh, let's focus on you, Barnaby. Okay. 373 00:16:22,098 --> 00:16:25,973 All right. I spy a group of women who have let their defenses down 374 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,800 because they are in a gay club. 375 00:16:27,816 --> 00:16:29,390 You see that chick right there? 376 00:16:29,437 --> 00:16:32,830 She looks like she'd fall for sports agent and football player. 377 00:16:32,845 --> 00:16:34,210 Okay, I'm in. 378 00:16:34,226 --> 00:16:35,742 Which one am I? 379 00:16:36,068 --> 00:16:37,211 Please. 380 00:16:39,427 --> 00:16:42,022 He's very shy, loves tennis and Brazil, and drops his pants 381 00:16:42,036 --> 00:16:44,631 after three dirty martinis. Now go, man, go! 382 00:16:49,818 --> 00:16:53,290 I just never thought I'd see Barney so vulnerable. 383 00:16:53,306 --> 00:16:56,062 Well, I guess no one wants to feel like they're going through the world alone. 384 00:16:56,097 --> 00:16:58,820 Look at me, in a yummy sandwich! 385 00:16:58,836 --> 00:17:01,972 Okay, we're actually right in the middle of something right now, so... 386 00:17:01,985 --> 00:17:04,831 Ooh, I know what I want to be in the middle of. Thoughts? 387 00:17:04,846 --> 00:17:07,231 God, can't two straight guys come to a gay dance club, 388 00:17:07,247 --> 00:17:09,980 enjoy some techno and good conversation without being bothered? 389 00:17:13,497 --> 00:17:16,533 How's it going, guys? Still enjoying the attentions of men? 390 00:17:16,545 --> 00:17:19,372 That's like the eighth guy who's hit on us in ten minutes. 391 00:17:19,386 --> 00:17:21,842 It's like, hello, my eyes are up here. 392 00:17:21,857 --> 00:17:23,302 And it's never the hot ones. 393 00:17:23,318 --> 00:17:25,632 It's always the losers. Bums me out! 394 00:17:26,027 --> 00:17:28,191 Looks like the boys learned their lesson. 395 00:17:28,206 --> 00:17:29,821 Do you totally miss being hit on? 396 00:17:29,837 --> 00:17:31,630 Oh, totally. Let's go find a sports bar. 397 00:17:33,327 --> 00:17:36,091 James, James, since you like arts and crafts, 398 00:17:36,115 --> 00:17:39,720 look at what Charles here made with cherry stems. 399 00:17:39,878 --> 00:17:41,611 He did it with his tongue. 400 00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:42,821 Yeah. 401 00:17:42,836 --> 00:17:43,543 Barney. 402 00:17:43,555 --> 00:17:46,833 So, Charles, why don't you put your number in my brother's phone, 403 00:17:46,845 --> 00:17:48,050 and once he's in a funner mood... 404 00:17:48,087 --> 00:17:49,903 Barney, Barney, I don't want his number. 405 00:17:49,915 --> 00:17:52,721 I don't want anyone's number, okay? 406 00:17:52,737 --> 00:17:54,230 I'm getting married. 407 00:17:54,298 --> 00:17:55,760 Wow. 408 00:17:55,818 --> 00:17:57,930 - Best of luck to you both. - Thank you. 409 00:17:57,945 --> 00:17:59,510 My number's in here. 410 00:17:59,526 --> 00:18:01,261 I'm very discreet. 411 00:18:02,655 --> 00:18:04,361 Okay, okay, excuse me. 412 00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:06,110 Barney, family talk. 413 00:18:06,125 --> 00:18:08,281 Okay, dude, you have got to stop this, okay? 414 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:11,240 I know that my getting married is threatening to your way of life... 415 00:18:11,255 --> 00:18:12,783 Oh, so now it's my way of life? 416 00:18:12,798 --> 00:18:14,970 I thought it was our way of life. 417 00:18:14,985 --> 00:18:17,192 You've completely turned your back on it. 418 00:18:17,208 --> 00:18:18,911 Look at you, not even suited up. 419 00:18:18,928 --> 00:18:21,261 Do you remember why we suit up, James? 420 00:18:21,278 --> 00:18:22,490 To get laid. 421 00:18:22,506 --> 00:18:24,550 To show people that we are different 422 00:18:24,567 --> 00:18:27,990 from the millions of T-shirt and jeans lemmings out there. 423 00:18:28,008 --> 00:18:30,590 The suit shows that we are a force to be reckoned with, 424 00:18:30,606 --> 00:18:33,133 a two-person army that plays by its own rules. 425 00:18:33,147 --> 00:18:35,652 But you've taken off the uniform, you've crossed enemy lines, 426 00:18:35,665 --> 00:18:36,831 and you've abandoned me. 427 00:18:36,845 --> 00:18:38,200 Well, I'm not gonna let you do that. 428 00:18:38,238 --> 00:18:41,891 It's not too late to back out of this stupid marriage thing! 429 00:18:41,906 --> 00:18:43,563 You don't have to do this, bro! 430 00:18:43,578 --> 00:18:44,832 - Yes, I do. - Why?! 431 00:18:44,846 --> 00:18:47,450 Because Tom and I are gonna have a baby. 432 00:18:47,475 --> 00:18:49,501 What? There's gonna be a baby? 433 00:18:51,045 --> 00:18:53,813 Yes. We're adopting. 434 00:18:53,937 --> 00:18:57,530 Oh, my God. I'm gonna be an uncle? 435 00:18:57,696 --> 00:18:59,431 For the rest of your life. 436 00:19:02,688 --> 00:19:05,403 And that's how Barney became Uncle Barney. 437 00:19:05,455 --> 00:19:07,421 A year later, at James's wedding, 438 00:19:07,436 --> 00:19:09,351 Barney could not have been more proud. 439 00:19:09,366 --> 00:19:11,033 To James and Tom. 440 00:19:11,046 --> 00:19:13,611 May you have a long and happy life together. 441 00:19:13,626 --> 00:19:16,833 And may I always have the skin and libido of a much younger man. 442 00:19:16,846 --> 00:19:18,411 - Cheers. - Cheers. 443 00:19:19,327 --> 00:19:20,590 Nice one. 444 00:19:21,045 --> 00:19:24,001 Thanks. I decided to leave out the hetero college phase. 445 00:19:24,015 --> 00:19:25,422 No one wants to hear about that. 446 00:19:25,435 --> 00:19:26,811 It was perfect. 447 00:19:26,828 --> 00:19:29,061 You even made Tom's dad cry. 448 00:19:29,077 --> 00:19:32,020 Might have been doing that because he's a Republican. 449 00:19:33,246 --> 00:19:34,580 Whoa. 450 00:19:34,596 --> 00:19:36,070 It's 9:00. 451 00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:38,550 We should be getting back. You guys want to split a cab? 452 00:19:38,565 --> 00:19:40,450 Uh, no, I think I'm gonna stay a little bit longer. 453 00:19:40,485 --> 00:19:42,550 Yeah, me, too. I'm not tired at all. 454 00:19:42,568 --> 00:19:44,861 All right, well, it's getting late. Got to get the wife home. 455 00:19:44,897 --> 00:19:47,212 Oh, stop calling me that. It makes me sound fat. 456 00:19:48,526 --> 00:19:51,043 Ugh, it's a freaking epidemic. 457 00:20:05,598 --> 00:20:07,201 - May I? - Yeah. 458 00:20:13,178 --> 00:20:14,941 Hey, buddy. 459 00:20:15,066 --> 00:20:17,083 Your parents are married. 460 00:20:17,487 --> 00:20:18,992 Now, listen, you. 461 00:20:19,006 --> 00:20:21,532 Just because you're being raised by married people 462 00:20:21,546 --> 00:20:24,052 doesn't mean you have to choose that lifestyle. 463 00:20:24,066 --> 00:20:25,193 High-five. 464 00:20:26,288 --> 00:20:28,171 Luckily, you got me. 465 00:20:28,338 --> 00:20:31,840 In 20 and a half years, you'll be 21, 466 00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:33,701 and I will be... 467 00:20:34,057 --> 00:20:36,460 Well, I haven't decided how old I'll be yet. 468 00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:40,822 But we are gonna bro out, uncle and nephew style. 469 00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:42,501 Stick with me, kid. 470 00:20:42,518 --> 00:20:45,550 I am gonna teach you how to live. 471 00:20:46,156 --> 00:20:48,701 Great suit, by the way. 472 00:20:52,088 --> 00:20:53,752 Who is the cutest? 473 00:21:01,148 --> 00:21:02,622 I don't get it. 474 00:21:02,665 --> 00:21:05,732 Tom liked my breasts in tenth grade. 475 00:21:06,236 --> 00:21:08,711 Why doesn't he like them now? 476 00:21:09,528 --> 00:21:10,962 Why? 477 00:21:11,617 --> 00:21:15,202 Rosa, why always be attracted to the unavailable ones? 478 00:21:15,218 --> 00:21:17,481 Why not accept the fact that you're a beautiful woman 479 00:21:17,497 --> 00:21:19,522 who is worthy of love? 480 00:21:19,538 --> 00:21:21,813 Are you brave enough to hear that? 481 00:21:21,956 --> 00:21:23,042 You...