1
00:00:00,416 --> 00:00:03,822
Kids, I never wouldn't met your mother
without a little luck
2
00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:05,425
Specifically the luck of the Irish
3
00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:07,519
Saint Patrick's Day
4
00:00:07,519 --> 00:00:10,188
The one day of the year when
every young person in New York
5
00:00:10,188 --> 00:00:11,964
Go out and gets crazy
6
00:00:11,964 --> 00:00:13,364
Really Crazy
7
00:00:14,426 --> 00:00:16,526
Okay, maybe not that crazy
8
00:00:16,586 --> 00:00:18,986
But by 2008, we'd all had enough.
9
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,786
Well, most of us.
10
00:00:20,986 --> 00:00:24,186
Who wants to kiss
The Barney Stone?
11
00:00:24,186 --> 00:00:26,486
- Look, it's the Riddler.
- That's not the Riddler.
12
00:00:26,486 --> 00:00:27,286
That's Gumby.
13
00:00:27,286 --> 00:00:29,386
Hey, Gumby, can we tie you
in a knot later?
14
00:00:29,386 --> 00:00:32,686
Hey, NBA player sidelined
by a knee injury?
15
00:00:32,786 --> 00:00:35,286
All right, laugh all you want,
16
00:00:35,286 --> 00:00:38,186
but this is my lucky
St. Patty's Day suit.
17
00:00:38,186 --> 00:00:41,386
I have dry-cleaned many
a stain off of this baby.
18
00:00:41,786 --> 00:00:43,086
You know why it's lucky?
19
00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:46,686
'Cause it's green,
the color of go, as in let's.
20
00:00:46,686 --> 00:00:48,186
Uh, Barney, we, uh...
21
00:00:48,286 --> 00:00:50,086
we talked this over, and, uh,
22
00:00:50,086 --> 00:00:51,986
we're not doing
St. Patty's Day this year.
23
00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:54,486
Come on. Let's...
24
00:00:55,186 --> 00:00:56,486
Are you s...
25
00:00:58,686 --> 00:01:00,186
Wow. Okay.
26
00:01:00,386 --> 00:01:01,986
I think I got to lie down.
27
00:01:01,986 --> 00:01:03,186
Can we shoot pool on you?
28
00:01:03,786 --> 00:01:05,486
No! No!
29
00:01:05,486 --> 00:01:06,786
Unacceptable!
30
00:01:06,786 --> 00:01:08,686
That's so not Raven!
31
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,786
What are you gonna do instead?
32
00:01:10,786 --> 00:01:12,186
We just got the keys to
our new apartment,
33
00:01:12,186 --> 00:01:14,286
so we're gonna go over there and
hang up that painting,
34
00:01:14,286 --> 00:01:15,286
have board game night.
35
00:01:15,286 --> 00:01:16,686
You're welcome to join us
if you want.
36
00:01:16,786 --> 00:01:18,586
Board game night?!
37
00:01:19,186 --> 00:01:20,786
Board game night.
38
00:01:20,986 --> 00:01:22,586
Come on!
39
00:01:22,586 --> 00:01:24,386
Let's drink green beer.
40
00:01:24,386 --> 00:01:26,186
Let's do green Jell-O shots!
41
00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:27,886
Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit?!
44
00:01:31,486 --> 00:01:33,386
Sorry, Peter.
We're grown-ups now.
45
00:01:33,386 --> 00:01:35,786
We can't fly off to Neverland
with you anymore.
46
00:01:36,386 --> 00:01:38,086
All right, fine.
47
00:01:38,586 --> 00:01:39,486
You know what?
48
00:01:39,486 --> 00:01:41,786
I'll celebrate St. Patty's Day
by myself.
49
00:01:41,986 --> 00:01:43,586
I don't need you people.
50
00:01:43,586 --> 00:01:45,986
You make me physically ill.
51
00:01:47,386 --> 00:01:49,286
He did look a little green.
52
00:01:53,986 --> 00:01:55,086
Hello?
53
00:01:55,586 --> 00:01:57,486
Hey, happy St. Patty's Day!
54
00:01:57,486 --> 00:01:59,786
How are you?
Yeah, I haven't talked to you forever.
55
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,486
- Who is it?
- It's Ted's butt.
56
00:02:03,886 --> 00:02:04,986
Ah, damn it!
57
00:02:04,986 --> 00:02:06,586
My phone keeps pocket-dialing!
58
00:02:06,586 --> 00:02:08,286
That's, like, the eighth time today.
59
00:02:08,286 --> 00:02:11,386
In fairness, I did call Ted's butt at,
like, 2:00 this afternoon.
60
00:02:11,386 --> 00:02:14,286
It took long enough to call you back.
61
00:02:16,586 --> 00:02:17,986
Barney, where are you?
62
00:02:17,986 --> 00:02:20,486
In a cab, heading downtown with our
63
00:02:20,486 --> 00:02:22,586
hot and sexy dates for the evening.
64
00:02:22,586 --> 00:02:25,486
Yes, it happens that fast!
65
00:02:25,486 --> 00:02:27,086
We're going to that club Low Point,
66
00:02:27,086 --> 00:02:28,486
and you're coming with us.
67
00:02:28,486 --> 00:02:29,886
Barney, for the last time...
68
00:02:29,886 --> 00:02:32,486
All right, I didn't want to tell you
this in front of Marshall
69
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,986
and Lily because they're old
and married,
70
00:02:33,986 --> 00:02:36,486
and it's too late for them anyway,
but Ted,
71
00:02:36,886 --> 00:02:39,686
the world is going to come
to an end tonight.
72
00:02:40,486 --> 00:02:42,186
Yes. Think about it.
73
00:02:42,186 --> 00:02:45,186
End of the world, Nostradamus.
Notre Dame.
74
00:02:45,186 --> 00:02:46,186
Fighting Irish.
75
00:02:46,186 --> 00:02:48,386
Irish.
St. Patrick's Day.
76
00:02:48,386 --> 00:02:49,486
This is it, bro.
77
00:02:49,686 --> 00:02:51,486
Bro-pocalypse Now.
78
00:02:52,286 --> 00:02:53,886
Bromageddon.
79
00:02:53,886 --> 00:02:56,586
Ted, you are young, you're single.
80
00:02:56,586 --> 00:02:58,186
You'll have so much more fun with me.
81
00:02:58,186 --> 00:03:00,686
Do you really want to spend
your last night on
82
00:03:00,686 --> 00:03:03,686
Earth playing board games
with Marshall and Lily?
83
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,686
My hands smell weird.
Smell this.
84
00:03:08,986 --> 00:03:11,086
Yeah, they do.
That's new.
85
00:03:11,486 --> 00:03:13,186
I'll be there in five minutes.
86
00:03:13,686 --> 00:03:16,386
Yes! All right!
87
00:03:16,386 --> 00:03:18,286
He's in! Ted's a great guy.
88
00:03:18,286 --> 00:03:19,286
Y...
89
00:03:21,786 --> 00:03:23,586
You're gonna love him.
90
00:03:24,886 --> 00:03:27,786
So on March 17, 2008,
91
00:03:27,786 --> 00:03:30,286
I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party.
92
00:03:30,386 --> 00:03:32,186
And it's a good thing I did,
93
00:03:32,286 --> 00:03:33,686
because, funny story:
94
00:03:34,286 --> 00:03:35,786
your mother was there.
95
00:03:36,186 --> 00:03:38,686
Sync by vNaru
96
00:03:52,641 --> 00:03:55,241
Hi. Have you met Ted?
97
00:03:55,241 --> 00:03:56,641
Hi. I'm Mary.
98
00:03:56,641 --> 00:03:58,141
Hi. Happy St. Patty's Day.
99
00:03:58,141 --> 00:03:59,641
I haven't met Ted, either.
100
00:03:59,641 --> 00:04:00,941
- I'm Stephanie.
- Hi.
101
00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:04,641
Dude, back off.
I called dibs on Stephanie.
102
00:04:04,641 --> 00:04:06,541
Okay. Mary's hot.
103
00:04:07,341 --> 00:04:08,741
Well, then I want Mary.
104
00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:09,941
Fine.
105
00:04:11,141 --> 00:04:13,941
Oh, I see.
Reverse psychology.
106
00:04:13,941 --> 00:04:17,141
Then I'm sticking with Stephanie,
Dr. Freud.
107
00:04:17,141 --> 00:04:18,041
Okay.
108
00:04:18,141 --> 00:04:19,941
- Which one do you want more?
- Either one.
109
00:04:19,941 --> 00:04:21,841
- I want them both.
- You're an idiot,
110
00:04:21,941 --> 00:04:23,541
and it may be a moot point.
111
00:04:23,541 --> 00:04:25,041
I mean, it doesn't look like
we're getting in.
112
00:04:25,041 --> 00:04:26,141
Look at this.
113
00:04:26,341 --> 00:04:27,641
You know why there's a line?
114
00:04:27,741 --> 00:04:29,541
It's because I ditched
Marshall and Lily,
115
00:04:29,541 --> 00:04:31,741
and now the universe is
punishing us for it,
116
00:04:31,841 --> 00:04:32,941
that's why.
117
00:04:37,241 --> 00:04:37,941
Yeah.
118
00:04:39,841 --> 00:04:42,141
What's it gonna cost us to get in, $20?
119
00:04:42,441 --> 00:04:43,241
$40?
120
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,441
Dude, come on, you're making
the wee folk look bad.
121
00:04:45,441 --> 00:04:47,041
Just give him your pot o' gold.
122
00:04:47,841 --> 00:04:48,841
Is it just you two?
123
00:04:48,841 --> 00:04:50,441
Don't worry.
We're not gonna blow your ratio.
124
00:04:50,441 --> 00:04:52,341
We happen to have
two very hot girls with us.
125
00:04:53,041 --> 00:04:54,541
Mine's the hotter one.
126
00:04:55,141 --> 00:04:57,341
Look, if it was just you two,
127
00:04:57,341 --> 00:04:58,441
you could go in right now.
128
00:04:58,541 --> 00:05:00,141
We got nothing
but girls in there.
129
00:05:00,141 --> 00:05:02,341
People are gonna start
thinking it's a lesbian bar.
130
00:05:04,141 --> 00:05:06,041
Would you excuse us for just a minute?
131
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:09,741
Ted, I'm gonna be honest.
132
00:05:09,741 --> 00:05:12,241
I was full of it with that
whole Nostradamus thing.
133
00:05:12,341 --> 00:05:13,141
No.
134
00:05:13,141 --> 00:05:15,741
But I am starting to think
there is some serious
135
00:05:15,741 --> 00:05:17,941
planetary crap going on here tonight.
136
00:05:17,941 --> 00:05:20,841
Never in the history of
New York City nightclubs
137
00:05:20,841 --> 00:05:23,041
has there been a shortage of dudes,
138
00:05:23,041 --> 00:05:26,341
not even during
the Great Dude Shortage of 1883.
139
00:05:26,741 --> 00:05:28,041
We got to ditch these girls.
140
00:05:28,741 --> 00:05:30,341
But you dragged them all
the way down here.
141
00:05:30,341 --> 00:05:32,241
I don't see no ring
on this finger.
142
00:05:33,141 --> 00:05:34,141
All right, hold on.
143
00:05:34,841 --> 00:05:36,041
Uh, excuse me?
144
00:05:36,041 --> 00:05:38,341
Are the girls in there
hotter than our dates?
145
00:05:39,041 --> 00:05:40,441
I don't know if they're hotter,
146
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:41,641
but they're drunker.
147
00:05:41,641 --> 00:05:43,041
Rock 'n' roll.
148
00:05:46,741 --> 00:05:49,441
Welcome to your dream home,
my lady.
149
00:05:51,241 --> 00:05:52,341
All right, all right.
150
00:05:52,341 --> 00:05:54,741
You can put me down.
Robin thinks we're weird.
151
00:05:54,741 --> 00:05:56,141
No, it's fine.
152
00:05:56,141 --> 00:05:58,241
It was only weird on the subway.
153
00:06:00,341 --> 00:06:02,341
Oh. I'm gonna check
the other rooms to see
154
00:06:02,341 --> 00:06:05,141
if the previous owners
left us any free stuff.
155
00:06:05,241 --> 00:06:07,141
I'm gonna hang our
first piece of art.
156
00:06:07,441 --> 00:06:08,841
Oh, look, there's already a nail.
157
00:06:08,841 --> 00:06:10,441
Hey, Lil, free nail!
158
00:06:10,441 --> 00:06:11,841
Score!
159
00:06:15,341 --> 00:06:16,541
How's that?
Perfect.
160
00:06:27,341 --> 00:06:29,641
Oh, now this is ridiculous.
161
00:06:29,641 --> 00:06:30,841
Is it the nail?
162
00:06:30,841 --> 00:06:31,741
Marshall?
163
00:06:31,741 --> 00:06:33,541
Is the wall slippery or something?
164
00:06:33,541 --> 00:06:34,241
Marshall.
165
00:06:34,241 --> 00:06:36,241
Is there a wind?
Is there some sort of draft in here?
166
00:06:36,241 --> 00:06:37,541
- Marshall!
- What?
167
00:06:37,941 --> 00:06:39,841
Your apartment's crooked.
168
00:06:40,341 --> 00:06:41,441
What do you mean?
169
00:06:46,141 --> 00:06:48,941
It was the kind of thing
you didn't notice until you noticed it.
170
00:06:48,941 --> 00:06:52,041
But once you did notice it,
you couldn't not notice it.
171
00:06:52,141 --> 00:06:55,141
Lily and Marshall's
new apartment was crooked.
172
00:06:57,841 --> 00:06:59,041
Oh, no!
173
00:06:59,041 --> 00:07:00,841
Oh, no, no, no!
174
00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:02,941
Oh, no, no. Oh, no.
175
00:07:02,941 --> 00:07:03,641
Yes.
176
00:07:03,641 --> 00:07:06,941
Are you telling me that we just spent our
entire life savings and then some on...
177
00:07:06,941 --> 00:07:08,441
on a crooked apartment?
178
00:07:08,441 --> 00:07:10,041
Oh, my God!
179
00:07:10,041 --> 00:07:11,141
No, she's gonna flip.
180
00:07:11,141 --> 00:07:12,141
Just calm down.
It's gonna be fine.
181
00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:14,241
Look what I found in the kids' room!
182
00:07:14,241 --> 00:07:16,241
Free skateboard.
Score!
183
00:07:16,241 --> 00:07:18,141
Free Hungry Hungry Hippos.
184
00:07:18,141 --> 00:07:20,741
Double score!
I'm gonna check the kitchen!
185
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,641
Okay.
How could she not notice this?
186
00:07:22,641 --> 00:07:25,141
It's like the last 20 minutes
of Titanic in here.
187
00:07:25,641 --> 00:07:27,241
We have to keep this quiet.
188
00:07:27,241 --> 00:07:29,941
If Lily finds out her new dream
house is crooked, it's gonna...
189
00:07:29,941 --> 00:07:31,241
it's gonna break her heart.
190
00:07:31,641 --> 00:07:33,441
Free salad strainer!
191
00:07:33,441 --> 00:07:35,241
I love this place.
192
00:07:35,741 --> 00:07:37,541
Just for tonight, okay?
193
00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:38,641
Okay.
194
00:07:39,341 --> 00:07:41,541
But it's gonna be an uphill battle.
195
00:07:42,341 --> 00:07:46,041
I am just saying we have to
think of the right angle.
196
00:07:47,241 --> 00:07:49,441
I have a third one,
but I'm not gonna say it.
197
00:07:50,841 --> 00:07:53,641
Okay, Barney, I think we've stumbled
into some kind of ethical,
198
00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:55,041
philosophical wormhole.
199
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:56,241
- Green suit.
- Yeah.
200
00:07:56,241 --> 00:07:57,941
I ditched Marshall and Lily,
201
00:07:57,941 --> 00:08:00,141
and was rewarded with
two beautiful girls.
202
00:08:00,141 --> 00:08:01,341
Suit's made of green.
203
00:08:01,341 --> 00:08:03,641
We bailed on those
two beautiful girls,
204
00:08:03,641 --> 00:08:06,641
and now we're being rewarded
with a sea of beautiful girls.
205
00:08:06,641 --> 00:08:08,241
38 long.
206
00:08:08,741 --> 00:08:11,541
It's like the laws of the universe
are working in reverse.
207
00:08:11,541 --> 00:08:13,741
- Can you put it on my tab?
- Yeah. What's the last name?
208
00:08:13,741 --> 00:08:14,541
Garrido.
209
00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:18,341
All right, I'm gonna try something,
and if this works...
210
00:08:18,341 --> 00:08:19,141
Uh, hey.
211
00:08:19,141 --> 00:08:20,341
Hey, what can I get you guys?
212
00:08:20,341 --> 00:08:22,441
A bottle of Dom Perignon,
and can you put it on my tab?
213
00:08:22,441 --> 00:08:23,541
Sure. What's the name?
214
00:08:23,541 --> 00:08:25,141
- Garrido.
- Dude!
215
00:08:25,141 --> 00:08:27,841
Oh, uh, yeah, you're right.
Uh, make it two bottles.
216
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:28,741
Two.
217
00:08:29,341 --> 00:08:31,341
Now we wait,
see if something good happens...
218
00:08:31,541 --> 00:08:32,641
Oh! Hello!
219
00:08:32,641 --> 00:08:33,841
St. Patrick's Day tradition.
220
00:08:33,841 --> 00:08:36,141
If you're not wearing green,
you got to get pinched.
221
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,941
Well, I guess I got what I deserved.
222
00:08:37,941 --> 00:08:39,241
I'm not wearing green, either.
223
00:08:39,241 --> 00:08:42,641
This is, um, deep teal.
224
00:08:42,641 --> 00:08:45,341
- The lighting makes it...
- Uh, I'm Ted.
225
00:08:45,341 --> 00:08:47,841
Ashlee with two "e"s.
226
00:08:47,841 --> 00:08:50,141
Please. "C"s at most.
227
00:08:50,141 --> 00:08:52,141
You know, you guys should
come join me and my friends.
228
00:08:52,141 --> 00:08:56,341
We have a bottle of tequila and
shockingly deep belly buttons.
229
00:08:57,741 --> 00:09:00,541
Okay, it's official:
do bad things, good things happen.
230
00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:03,541
Ted, listen.
231
00:09:03,541 --> 00:09:05,741
Are you hearing that?
That's the universe.
232
00:09:05,741 --> 00:09:07,741
The universe is talking to us.
233
00:09:07,741 --> 00:09:09,841
We don't have to build
a baseball field, do we?
234
00:09:10,141 --> 00:09:14,841
No. The universe is telling us that
we have a free pass tonight.
235
00:09:14,841 --> 00:09:19,541
The universe is saying that
we don't have to live in fear of the...
236
00:09:19,541 --> 00:09:21,041
- Are you still there?
- Yeah, I'm here.
237
00:09:21,041 --> 00:09:23,841
...of the repercussions of our actions.
238
00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:26,241
There is no waiting for tomorrow,
239
00:09:26,241 --> 00:09:28,041
because do you know why, Ted?
240
00:09:30,741 --> 00:09:33,241
There is no tomorrow.
241
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:35,741
No tomorrow, huh?
242
00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,341
By the way, Mr. Garrido,
243
00:09:37,441 --> 00:09:41,041
second bottle of champagne gets you
a complimentary ounce of caviar.
244
00:09:41,241 --> 00:09:42,141
Enjoy.
245
00:09:45,641 --> 00:09:48,041
- No tomorrow!
- No tomorrow!
246
00:09:48,041 --> 00:09:49,541
No tomorrow!
247
00:09:49,541 --> 00:09:52,041
Hey, I wonder what
the grown-ups are doing right now.
248
00:09:57,341 --> 00:09:59,141
I win again.
249
00:09:59,141 --> 00:10:00,941
Why do I keep winning?
250
00:10:01,441 --> 00:10:04,641
Maybe your hippo is just
hungrier hungrier than ours.
251
00:10:04,641 --> 00:10:05,341
That's it.
252
00:10:05,341 --> 00:10:06,941
That's what it is.
It's not gravity,
253
00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:08,341
that's for sure.
I'll tell you that.
254
00:10:10,441 --> 00:10:11,941
What was that?
255
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,441
What's going on here?
256
00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:22,141
Okay, Lily...
257
00:10:23,041 --> 00:10:25,941
while you were in
the other room, Robin and I,
258
00:10:26,441 --> 00:10:28,741
we discovered something
about the apartment.
259
00:10:28,741 --> 00:10:29,841
It's not a big deal.
260
00:10:29,941 --> 00:10:32,441
It's not like a disaster.
It's just...
261
00:10:32,441 --> 00:10:34,841
It's something that we're going
to have to learn to live with.
262
00:10:38,941 --> 00:10:41,041
Robin and I saw a ghost.
263
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,641
What?
264
00:10:43,141 --> 00:10:44,741
Oh, he's kidding, right?
265
00:10:45,041 --> 00:10:47,441
No, we really saw a ghost.
266
00:10:47,641 --> 00:10:49,141
What did it look like?
267
00:10:49,841 --> 00:10:52,941
Uh, a sheet with two holes in it.
268
00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:55,941
He was a Confederate general
269
00:10:55,941 --> 00:10:58,241
who was wounded at
the Battle of Antietam,
270
00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:02,841
and he died at the army hospital
which once stood on this very spot.
271
00:11:02,941 --> 00:11:04,941
And now he wanders these halls,
272
00:11:04,941 --> 00:11:08,741
vowing revenge against the
Union cannonade hat once felled him.
273
00:11:08,941 --> 00:11:11,141
But he seems nice.
He's a good-good guy.
274
00:11:11,841 --> 00:11:15,941
Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere.
You see ghosts at Stars Bucks.
275
00:11:16,141 --> 00:11:20,041
That Kenny G holiday CD
just flew off the shelf.
276
00:11:20,041 --> 00:11:21,441
Last time that happened.
277
00:11:22,041 --> 00:11:24,141
But, Robin, you're a skeptic,
278
00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:26,441
so if you say you saw a ghost...
279
00:11:28,741 --> 00:11:30,641
It passed right through me,
280
00:11:30,641 --> 00:11:34,241
and suddenly I felt cold,
so very cold.
281
00:11:37,741 --> 00:11:40,041
You know, Ashlee, I'm sorry.
282
00:11:40,041 --> 00:11:42,041
You're probably just gonna want
to get up and walk away,
283
00:11:42,041 --> 00:11:45,041
but I just have to test out
this theory I've been working on.
284
00:11:45,641 --> 00:11:48,541
Tonight, I am not looking
for a relationship.
285
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,941
I really just want to hook up with you,
286
00:11:50,941 --> 00:11:53,141
leave before breakfast,
and never see you again.
287
00:11:55,341 --> 00:11:56,541
I'm in.
288
00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:58,441
Unbelievable.
289
00:12:00,341 --> 00:12:02,541
Hot damn, that's a deep navel.
290
00:12:02,741 --> 00:12:04,241
No tomorrow, Ted.
291
00:12:04,241 --> 00:12:06,141
Yeah, no tomorrow, Barney.
292
00:12:06,741 --> 00:12:08,341
No tomorrow, huh?
293
00:12:08,841 --> 00:12:10,741
I like that idea.
294
00:12:11,141 --> 00:12:13,641
Because if there is a tomorrow,
295
00:12:13,641 --> 00:12:15,741
I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble.
296
00:12:15,741 --> 00:12:18,041
Oh, yeah? Why is that?
297
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,741
I'm married.
298
00:12:23,141 --> 00:12:25,341
Tell me you're messing with me, guys.
299
00:12:25,341 --> 00:12:27,241
You didn't actually see a ghost.
300
00:12:27,241 --> 00:12:29,941
It's not a big deal, baby.
He seemed friendly.
301
00:12:30,341 --> 00:12:33,241
You said he's a Confederate general.
They're the bad guys.
302
00:12:33,241 --> 00:12:34,941
And he's probably racist.
303
00:12:34,941 --> 00:12:37,141
No, he seemed polite.
304
00:12:37,141 --> 00:12:39,741
He had courtly Southern manners.
305
00:12:39,741 --> 00:12:41,741
We're gonna raise our kids here.
306
00:12:41,741 --> 00:12:45,741
I don't want some Confederate general
ghost teaching them his racism.
307
00:12:45,741 --> 00:12:49,241
He loves people of
all colors and creeds.
308
00:12:49,241 --> 00:12:51,141
He was fighting
for states' rights, that's all.
309
00:12:51,141 --> 00:12:52,941
Robin said he was wearing a sheet.
310
00:12:52,941 --> 00:12:54,641
What do you think that means?
311
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,541
The apartment is crooked.
312
00:12:57,441 --> 00:12:58,541
What?
313
00:13:00,641 --> 00:13:03,241
Robin and I didn't see a ghost.
314
00:13:06,141 --> 00:13:08,441
The floor is crooked, isn't it?
315
00:13:09,141 --> 00:13:10,241
Yeah.
316
00:13:11,341 --> 00:13:14,941
We spent our entire life's
savings on this floor.
317
00:13:15,341 --> 00:13:19,741
The next 30 mortgage-paying years
of our lives will be spent
318
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:22,341
on this floor, and it's crooked.
319
00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:30,941
Thanks a lot, Robin.
320
00:13:33,041 --> 00:13:36,941
How is "racist ghost"
better than "crooked"?
321
00:13:37,641 --> 00:13:40,341
Seriously, somebody tell me
how that's better.
322
00:13:42,741 --> 00:13:44,141
Oh, I'm sorry.
323
00:13:44,141 --> 00:13:45,641
Oh, that's okay.
324
00:13:45,641 --> 00:13:48,541
Um, dude, so, I'm having second
thoughts about that theory.
325
00:13:48,541 --> 00:13:52,241
I'm telling you, if you want to know how
old a woman is, check her elbows.
326
00:13:52,241 --> 00:13:53,441
Not that theory.
327
00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:56,541
You have to be more specific, Ted,
'cause I have so many theories.
328
00:13:56,541 --> 00:13:59,341
The whole do bad,
good things happen...
329
00:13:59,341 --> 00:14:01,941
- Ashlee is married.
- So?
330
00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:03,341
What do you mean, so?
331
00:14:03,441 --> 00:14:05,241
Open your brain tank, brah,
332
00:14:05,241 --> 00:14:08,941
'cause here comes some
premium 91 octane knowledge.
333
00:14:08,941 --> 00:14:10,541
There's three rules of cheating:
334
00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:12,941
It's not cheating if you're not
the one who's married,
335
00:14:12,941 --> 00:14:16,341
it's not cheating if her name has
two adjacent vowels,
336
00:14:16,341 --> 00:14:18,841
and it's not cheating if she's from
a different area code.
337
00:14:18,841 --> 00:14:20,341
You're fine on all three counts.
338
00:14:20,341 --> 00:14:22,341
How do you know she's from
a different area code?
339
00:14:22,341 --> 00:14:24,441
She's 516.
340
00:14:24,441 --> 00:14:27,541
She might dress like she's 718,
act like she's 212,
341
00:14:28,441 --> 00:14:29,741
but trust me, she's 516.
342
00:14:29,741 --> 00:14:31,041
Oh, and her husband...
343
00:14:31,041 --> 00:14:33,341
letting her out alone
on Saint Patty's Day?
344
00:14:33,341 --> 00:14:36,541
If that dude's not 973, I'm 307.
345
00:14:38,141 --> 00:14:39,341
Wyoming.
346
00:14:43,641 --> 00:14:45,841
We're gonna have to nail down
all our furniture.
347
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:48,241
We won't be able to get
a pinball machine.
348
00:14:48,341 --> 00:14:51,641
I mean, unless we put some books under
two of the legs or something.
349
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:53,441
But then what if we want
to read those books?
350
00:14:53,441 --> 00:14:55,141
This is a nightmare.
351
00:14:55,441 --> 00:14:58,641
We can't raise our kids here.
They'll grow up slanted.
352
00:14:58,841 --> 00:15:01,441
If we have a daughter,
we'll have to call her Eileen.
353
00:15:02,541 --> 00:15:05,241
I don't think we can live here,
Marshall.
354
00:15:05,741 --> 00:15:07,841
I don't know what we're gonna do.
355
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:09,741
Marshall?
356
00:15:10,241 --> 00:15:11,741
Open the door.
357
00:15:22,141 --> 00:15:24,941
If I make it through the door,
that's five points.
358
00:15:26,441 --> 00:15:28,941
Woo-hoo!
359
00:15:29,041 --> 00:15:30,241
Yeah!
360
00:15:31,441 --> 00:15:32,741
Five points.
361
00:15:32,741 --> 00:15:35,141
Ten bucks says I can do it backwards.
362
00:15:35,141 --> 00:15:39,041
So Lily and Marshall decided to make
the best of a bad situation.
363
00:15:39,041 --> 00:15:42,841
And that's also how the sport of
Apartment Roller Luge was invented.
364
00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:46,441
Very careful baby!
Oh yeah!
365
00:15:46,441 --> 00:15:49,241
So she's married?
It's not like she has kids.
366
00:15:49,341 --> 00:15:50,441
How do you know?
367
00:15:50,641 --> 00:15:51,541
Wrists.
368
00:15:51,541 --> 00:15:53,841
It's like you don't even listen to me.
369
00:15:54,541 --> 00:15:56,841
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
370
00:15:56,841 --> 00:15:58,041
Where'd you go?
371
00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,341
Well, I just, um...
372
00:15:59,341 --> 00:16:02,041
- Was it something I said?
- No, no, no, it's just, well...
373
00:16:02,041 --> 00:16:06,141
you're married and-and we've been
drinking, and I was worried we might...
374
00:16:07,541 --> 00:16:09,841
Oh, this is a very bad idea.
375
00:16:11,741 --> 00:16:14,341
- We have a problem.
- Hey, hey. Hey.
376
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:16,141
Hey.
377
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,741
Is this your husband?
378
00:16:17,841 --> 00:16:20,041
I've never seen this man in my life.
379
00:16:20,341 --> 00:16:22,541
Oh, okay.
Uh, what's our problem?
380
00:16:22,541 --> 00:16:24,541
Rick. Rick Garrido.
381
00:16:24,541 --> 00:16:26,441
According to the bartender,
I'm the guy
382
00:16:26,441 --> 00:16:28,641
that's been buying you
champagne all night.
383
00:16:28,741 --> 00:16:32,541
Okay, there's-there's
a very simple explana...
384
00:16:32,541 --> 00:16:35,641
Next thing I know the police show up,
they arrest the other guy,
385
00:16:35,641 --> 00:16:38,141
and I'm drinking for free
the rest of the night.
386
00:16:38,141 --> 00:16:40,341
It was awesome.
387
00:16:41,341 --> 00:16:42,641
Awesome, huh?
388
00:16:42,841 --> 00:16:43,841
Yeah.
389
00:16:44,241 --> 00:16:46,541
You don't see anything wrong
with that story?
390
00:16:46,741 --> 00:16:49,141
Well, I lost my new phone back
at the club somewhere.
391
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:51,541
What the hell is wrong
with you, dude?
392
00:16:51,641 --> 00:16:53,541
You know me, I lose things.
393
00:16:53,541 --> 00:16:56,241
You kissed a married woman, Ted.
394
00:16:56,241 --> 00:16:58,841
You committed credit card fraud.
395
00:16:58,841 --> 00:17:02,641
You... you kissed a married woman.
Do you know how offensive that is to me?
396
00:17:02,641 --> 00:17:04,241
You're turning into Barney.
397
00:17:04,241 --> 00:17:05,941
We don't need another Barney.
398
00:17:06,441 --> 00:17:07,441
Look...
399
00:17:07,541 --> 00:17:09,541
it's Saint Patty's Day.
400
00:17:09,841 --> 00:17:12,041
It wasn't as bad as it sounds.
401
00:17:12,041 --> 00:17:14,141
- "It wasn't as bad as it sounds"?
- No.
402
00:17:14,141 --> 00:17:15,341
Huh? Okay...
403
00:17:15,441 --> 00:17:18,241
I want you to hear exactly
how it sounds, Ted.
404
00:17:19,641 --> 00:17:23,041
First skipped message:
I don't see no ring on this finger.
405
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:25,241
And then last night started
coming back to me:
406
00:17:25,541 --> 00:17:26,541
The real version.
407
00:17:27,441 --> 00:17:30,041
Are the girls in there
hotter than our dates ?
408
00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:32,941
I don't know if they're hotter,
but they're drunker.
409
00:17:33,441 --> 00:17:35,441
Rock 'n' roll.
410
00:17:39,041 --> 00:17:41,341
- How many messages did I...
- Seventeen...
411
00:17:42,441 --> 00:17:46,141
Kids, it's sometimes possible to think
you're doing just fine in life...
412
00:17:46,141 --> 00:17:49,041
Next message:
Can you put it on my tab?
413
00:17:49,741 --> 00:17:51,441
Sure, what's the last name?
414
00:17:51,641 --> 00:17:53,041
Garrido.
415
00:17:53,041 --> 00:17:55,441
...and then someone opens
your eyes a little bit,
416
00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:56,741
and you realize...
417
00:17:56,741 --> 00:17:58,141
Next message:
418
00:17:58,141 --> 00:17:59,941
I really want to hook up with you,
419
00:17:59,941 --> 00:18:02,541
leave before breakfast,
and then never see you again.
420
00:18:02,941 --> 00:18:05,041
...your whole world is off balance...
421
00:18:05,341 --> 00:18:07,041
Next message :
422
00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:08,041
...out of whack...
423
00:18:08,041 --> 00:18:10,241
Okay, look, brah,
424
00:18:10,241 --> 00:18:12,741
there is a very simple explana...
425
00:18:13,141 --> 00:18:14,641
...crooked.
426
00:18:18,941 --> 00:18:20,641
That was hard to listen to.
427
00:18:22,441 --> 00:18:25,141
No one likes how they sound
on an answering machine.
428
00:18:27,241 --> 00:18:28,641
Thanks for doing that.
429
00:18:31,941 --> 00:18:33,541
You yelled at me.
430
00:18:33,641 --> 00:18:35,741
You got very firm with me.
431
00:18:35,741 --> 00:18:36,841
Very confident.
432
00:18:37,141 --> 00:18:38,341
It was cool.
433
00:18:38,641 --> 00:18:39,841
Thanks.
434
00:18:40,141 --> 00:18:42,141
- You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall.
- Shut up.
435
00:18:42,841 --> 00:18:44,841
Veins, crazy muscles in your neck.
436
00:18:44,841 --> 00:18:46,841
You look like
a Kentucky Derby-winning steed.
437
00:18:46,841 --> 00:18:48,241
You're ruining a nice moment.
438
00:18:48,241 --> 00:18:50,441
At one point, I swear,
I thought we were gonna kiss.
439
00:18:50,441 --> 00:18:52,141
Ted, seriously.
440
00:18:52,641 --> 00:18:54,041
I'm married.
441
00:18:57,341 --> 00:18:58,841
Oh... a slanted floor.
442
00:18:58,841 --> 00:19:01,141
Architecturally speaking,
fixing that's going to be...
443
00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:03,841
Very, very, very expensive.
444
00:19:03,841 --> 00:19:06,641
And it's gonna take some time, too, so
445
00:19:06,641 --> 00:19:09,741
it looks like you're stuck with us for
a little while longer, if that's okay.
446
00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:11,041
Are you kidding?
447
00:19:11,041 --> 00:19:11,941
I love it.
448
00:19:11,941 --> 00:19:14,741
I don't know what's gonna happen
to me without you guys around.
449
00:19:14,741 --> 00:19:15,641
Where are you going?
450
00:19:15,641 --> 00:19:18,141
I'm going to get my stupid phone.
451
00:19:19,341 --> 00:19:22,341
So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008.
452
00:19:22,341 --> 00:19:25,341
I found out years later
that your mom was at that party.
453
00:19:25,341 --> 00:19:26,941
I just didn't meet her.
454
00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:29,041
And it's a good thing I didn't,
455
00:19:29,041 --> 00:19:31,941
'cause if I had met her,
I don't think she would have liked me.
456
00:19:31,941 --> 00:19:34,041
Heck, I don't think I liked me.
457
00:19:34,141 --> 00:19:35,641
But that's okay.
458
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,041
Tomorrow had arrived.
459
00:19:37,041 --> 00:19:40,341
♪ Leave me alone, and there'll be ♪
460
00:19:40,341 --> 00:19:46,241
♪ No one to get hurt ♪
461
00:19:46,241 --> 00:19:55,141
♪ Nobody move and there'll be
Nothin' to disturb ♪
462
00:19:55,141 --> 00:20:04,841
♪ The sum of it all is that you
Don't know where to turn ♪
463
00:20:04,841 --> 00:20:12,941
♪ Despite all your promises you
Don't keep what you learn ♪
464
00:20:12,941 --> 00:20:15,041
You see, I didn't know it yet,
465
00:20:15,541 --> 00:20:18,441
but my luck was about to change.
466
00:20:18,441 --> 00:20:23,941
♪ Beautiful beat get me
out of this mess ♪
467
00:20:41,269 --> 00:20:43,169
I'm awesome!