1 00:00:03,856 --> 00:00:06,234 Kids, the secret to dating is very simple: 2 00:00:06,359 --> 00:00:08,746 be confident, be comfortable in your skin, 3 00:00:08,871 --> 00:00:10,674 be assured of who you are. 4 00:00:10,799 --> 00:00:12,595 Barney was really good at that last one, 5 00:00:13,233 --> 00:00:16,474 even though a lot of the time who he was was someone else. 6 00:00:18,936 --> 00:00:21,604 Hi. Do you see that guy over there in the scuba suit? 7 00:00:23,733 --> 00:00:25,924 You thinking of going and talking to him? 8 00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:30,446 Good. He's seriously the biggest jerk on the face of the earth. 9 00:00:30,616 --> 00:00:32,782 - How do you know him? - He's one of my best friends. 10 00:00:33,561 --> 00:00:36,717 - So what's with the scuba suit? - Well, it's a long story. 11 00:00:37,210 --> 00:00:38,793 He just went through a breakup... 12 00:00:39,442 --> 00:00:42,983 There's two basic philosophies of how to handle yourself after a breakup. 13 00:00:43,108 --> 00:00:44,842 Some people throw themselves into... 14 00:00:44,967 --> 00:00:47,423 My career. That's my number one focus right now. 15 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,305 From now on, no more dating. 16 00:00:49,655 --> 00:00:50,592 Just work. 17 00:00:50,957 --> 00:00:52,427 While others{\throw themselves into}... 18 00:00:52,595 --> 00:00:54,679 Every woman in New York City. 19 00:00:55,106 --> 00:00:58,060 That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. 20 00:00:58,185 --> 00:00:59,771 Mothers, lock up your daughters. 21 00:00:59,896 --> 00:01:02,187 Daughters, lock up your milswancas. 22 00:01:02,355 --> 00:01:04,105 - Milswancas? - Wait, I can get this. 23 00:01:05,091 --> 00:01:07,317 Mothers I'd like to sleep with and never call again. 24 00:01:07,577 --> 00:01:09,319 Correct! Circle gets the square. 25 00:01:09,633 --> 00:01:12,071 Don't you think you're kinda rushing back into this? 26 00:01:12,442 --> 00:01:15,470 Lily, since I started dating Robin, there's a certain 27 00:01:15,595 --> 00:01:18,119 thing haven't used as much as I would like to. 28 00:01:18,782 --> 00:01:20,455 It's... Kinda big, 29 00:01:20,927 --> 00:01:22,165 surprisingly heavy, 30 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,251 kind of leathery, and it's black. 31 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:29,457 This, my friends... 32 00:01:30,316 --> 00:01:31,616 Is the Playbook. 33 00:01:33,386 --> 00:01:35,802 Synchro: ShalimarFox, -Titou- 34 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:46,022 .:: La Fabrique ::. 35 00:01:46,409 --> 00:01:50,026 The Playbook contains every scam, con, hustle, 36 00:01:50,370 --> 00:01:52,678 hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, 37 00:01:52,803 --> 00:01:55,031 stratagem and bamboozle I've ever used... 38 00:01:55,199 --> 00:01:57,374 or ever hope to use... To pick up chicks 39 00:01:57,499 --> 00:01:59,349 and give them the business. 40 00:02:00,656 --> 00:02:02,312 You wrote another book? 41 00:02:03,041 --> 00:02:05,670 We got a... Stephen King over here. 42 00:02:07,825 --> 00:02:09,177 It's all in here. 43 00:02:09,544 --> 00:02:12,924 Everything from basic moves like "the don't drink that." 44 00:02:13,092 --> 00:02:14,926 45 00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:18,054 Don't drink that. I saw some guy slip something in there. 46 00:02:18,402 --> 00:02:19,472 What? Who? 47 00:02:21,582 --> 00:02:22,532 That guy. 48 00:02:26,274 --> 00:02:27,274 Thank you. 49 00:02:29,912 --> 00:02:32,944 To more advanced maneuvers like "the Mrs. Stinsfire." 50 00:02:33,197 --> 00:02:34,988 51 00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:37,838 Now kappas, after our disciplinary hearing 52 00:02:37,963 --> 00:02:39,534 for lewd behavior last semester, 53 00:02:39,930 --> 00:02:42,120 we have been assigned a new housemom. 54 00:02:42,374 --> 00:02:44,580 I'd like you to meet mrs. Stinsfire. 55 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,375 Hello, girls! 56 00:02:52,507 --> 00:02:54,382 I can't picture a way that wouldn't work. 57 00:02:55,747 --> 00:02:57,969 What's "the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"? 58 00:02:58,235 --> 00:02:59,462 I'm glad you asked. 59 00:02:59,587 --> 00:03:01,474 "the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn" will be 60 00:03:01,599 --> 00:03:03,669 my grand return to the stage. 61 00:03:03,794 --> 00:03:05,476 Or you know, the bed. 62 00:03:05,842 --> 00:03:07,645 Actually, my bed is kind of on a stage. 63 00:03:07,911 --> 00:03:09,872 I put a platform and got some lights. 64 00:03:09,997 --> 00:03:12,125 It's a real production. Barney exits! 65 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:15,445 How about you? You getting back out there? 66 00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,919 - Where is your Playbook? - My Playbook? 67 00:03:18,118 --> 00:03:21,207 Bro, two-volume set, right here. 68 00:03:21,607 --> 00:03:24,287 - It's a great read actually. - Yeah, I'm reading it right now. 69 00:03:24,968 --> 00:03:26,956 I told you, I'm taking a break from all that. 70 00:03:28,099 --> 00:03:30,480 - Marshall, it's totally gonna happen. - So gonna happen. 71 00:03:30,605 --> 00:03:32,503 - What? - You're gonna fall in love. 72 00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:33,671 So soon. 73 00:03:34,183 --> 00:03:36,300 Not likely. I'm focusing on my career. 74 00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:39,006 - I'm done with dating. - Okay, we playing the pyramid? 75 00:03:39,617 --> 00:03:42,454 "Things people say right before they meet the love of their life." 76 00:03:42,579 --> 00:03:45,348 Kelly Harris, girl I went to law school with said... 77 00:03:45,692 --> 00:03:48,811 Law school's so hard, I just want to focus on my studies. 78 00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:50,522 Six months later? 79 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:51,647 Married! 80 00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:52,774 That's all w... 81 00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:55,276 Travis Frenchroy, backup bartender tells me... 82 00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:57,070 I'm so over the whole dating game. 83 00:03:57,463 --> 00:03:59,989 I just want to focus on my Star Trek fan fiction. 84 00:04:00,249 --> 00:04:01,609 Six months later... 85 00:04:01,734 --> 00:04:02,634 Married! 86 00:04:03,447 --> 00:04:04,675 May I respond? 87 00:04:05,460 --> 00:04:06,987 That's all well and good for... 88 00:04:07,112 --> 00:04:10,208 Matthew Blitz, accountant at my office says... 89 00:04:10,689 --> 00:04:12,500 I'm gonna die single and alone. 90 00:04:12,625 --> 00:04:14,962 I might as well just focus on this year's taxes. 91 00:04:15,221 --> 00:04:16,501 Six months later? 92 00:04:16,626 --> 00:04:19,268 City union and planning to get married pending the passage of legislation 93 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,418 currently on the floor of the NY sate senate. 94 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,978 Protest all you want, but it's gonna happen. 95 00:04:24,103 --> 00:04:26,557 - It's a law of nature. - Lawyered. Of nature. 96 00:04:26,935 --> 00:04:29,081 I'd love to have no interest in a relationship. 97 00:04:29,206 --> 00:04:32,230 There's no way I'd be single right now if I wanted to be single. 98 00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:34,863 - Okay, now you're ready. - Ready for what? 99 00:04:34,988 --> 00:04:37,942 Three years ago, this girl Shelly started teaching at my school. 100 00:04:38,067 --> 00:04:39,908 The moment I saw her, I was like, 101 00:04:40,033 --> 00:04:41,363 "this is the girl for Ted." 102 00:04:41,660 --> 00:04:43,658 Why am I just hearing about her now? 103 00:04:44,168 --> 00:04:46,213 You know, I usually hate being set up 104 00:04:46,338 --> 00:04:48,638 but this Ted just sounds so great. 105 00:04:48,763 --> 00:04:51,981 He is. He's so sweet and thoughtful and intelligent. 106 00:04:52,106 --> 00:04:55,210 Come on! One more chicken finger and the crown is yours! 107 00:04:57,711 --> 00:05:00,799 I don't see him anywhere. He must be out doing charity work. 108 00:05:01,145 --> 00:05:02,545 So, different bar? 109 00:05:04,311 --> 00:05:06,561 That girl with Lily's pretty cute! 110 00:05:07,950 --> 00:05:09,224 Yeah, she was cute. 111 00:05:09,435 --> 00:05:11,851 Yeah, still is. And now you're ready. 112 00:05:11,976 --> 00:05:14,855 Bro, now you can fit like, three times as many chicken fingers in your mouth. 113 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,965 - You know it. - OK, I will set it up, 114 00:05:17,090 --> 00:05:19,568 but promise me you won't do anything stupid. 115 00:05:19,928 --> 00:05:22,195 I promise I won't do anything stupid. 116 00:05:22,911 --> 00:05:24,239 And I kept that promise. 117 00:05:24,702 --> 00:05:26,152 But only because... 118 00:05:26,604 --> 00:05:28,104 She never showed up. 119 00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:34,583 - I know. I'm sorry, I feel terrible. - You should feel terrible! 120 00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,751 - I do feel terrible! I do! - You should! 121 00:05:36,962 --> 00:05:39,212 - I do, I do! - You should! You should! 122 00:05:39,976 --> 00:05:40,714 I don't. 123 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:43,114 Look, I was really looking forward to meeting Ted, 124 00:05:43,239 --> 00:05:45,097 but I got to the bar an hour early 125 00:05:45,222 --> 00:05:47,717 and I met this amazing guy. 126 00:05:47,842 --> 00:05:49,097 Like, seriously amazing. 127 00:05:49,768 --> 00:05:51,391 And you met him at Maclaren's? 128 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:54,102 - Yeah, right at the bar. - What's his name? 129 00:05:55,345 --> 00:05:56,645 I shouldn't say. 130 00:05:57,915 --> 00:06:01,148 What the heck. It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn! 131 00:06:02,742 --> 00:06:05,155 You son of a bitch. 132 00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:14,248 So, he hooked up with Shelly? You must've been pissed. 133 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:15,583 Damn straight. 134 00:06:16,046 --> 00:06:19,712 Barney, I've had Shelly set aside for Ted for three years. 135 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,919 Dude, Ted was not missing out. 136 00:06:22,044 --> 00:06:23,549 She's brainy and annoying, 137 00:06:23,797 --> 00:06:25,647 kind of boring in the sack. 138 00:06:26,215 --> 00:06:28,846 I guess she would've been perfect for Ted. 139 00:06:31,418 --> 00:06:33,437 Had I known that she was there to meet Ted, 140 00:06:33,562 --> 00:06:35,281 of course I wouldn't have done it, but... 141 00:06:35,406 --> 00:06:38,148 Given the circumstances, I think Ted'll be proud of me. 142 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:41,734 I pulled off "the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn." 143 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,152 Okay, what's the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn? 144 00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:45,862 My question exactly. 145 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:49,659 - What's the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn? - Glad you asked. 146 00:06:49,827 --> 00:06:51,660 147 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:54,123 To perform the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, 148 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:57,394 here's what you'll need: basic knowledge of web site design 149 00:06:57,519 --> 00:06:59,168 and a very unique fake name. 150 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,691 So, think of your fake name right now. 151 00:07:03,442 --> 00:07:05,042 Have you got it? Good. 152 00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:07,501 Now, select your target. 153 00:07:07,626 --> 00:07:10,098 Preferably a girl with a real nice... 154 00:07:10,506 --> 00:07:11,306 Phone. 155 00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:18,837 Yeah, it's me. 156 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,326 Do I know you? 157 00:07:24,189 --> 00:07:26,070 I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. 158 00:07:28,050 --> 00:07:29,864 Are you, like, famous or something? 159 00:07:35,323 --> 00:07:36,998 You really don't know who I am, do you? 160 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,663 What a refreshing change of pace. 161 00:07:39,788 --> 00:07:40,953 Nice to meet you... 162 00:07:42,994 --> 00:07:45,256 Once again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. 163 00:07:45,923 --> 00:07:47,976 Spelled like it sounds, two "t"s. 164 00:07:51,453 --> 00:07:52,221 Ciao. 165 00:07:53,401 --> 00:07:55,641 Then, as soon as you're gone, she gets out her phone 166 00:07:55,890 --> 00:07:59,190 and does an internet search for Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. 167 00:07:59,852 --> 00:08:01,604 And that's when she discovers... 168 00:08:02,106 --> 00:08:03,916 A series of fake web sites, 169 00:08:04,041 --> 00:08:05,776 all devoted to the incredible life 170 00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:07,445 of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. 171 00:08:07,872 --> 00:08:10,823 There's the fake business article about him, the reclusive billionaire. 172 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,998 The fake explorers club newsletter describing 173 00:08:13,123 --> 00:08:16,037 his balloon trek to the north pole as a feat of pure daring and imagination. 174 00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:18,879 The fake medical journal featuring the heartbreaking story of doctors 175 00:08:19,004 --> 00:08:21,465 telling him penis reduction surgery isn't an option. 176 00:08:21,590 --> 00:08:23,182 And by the time you get back... 177 00:08:23,307 --> 00:08:25,507 Hi, Shelly, I hate to be forward, 178 00:08:25,632 --> 00:08:27,882 but can I buy you a cup of coffee? 179 00:08:28,569 --> 00:08:29,419 Please. 180 00:08:30,533 --> 00:08:32,386 What does coffee go for these days, $50? 181 00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:37,520 And it is on. 182 00:08:40,293 --> 00:08:41,687 That's awful. 183 00:08:41,939 --> 00:08:44,017 You realize you broke her heart, right? 184 00:08:44,142 --> 00:08:45,231 She's inconsolable. 185 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:47,513 Why would she be inconsolable? 186 00:08:47,638 --> 00:08:50,905 Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear over the arctic for another week. 187 00:08:51,693 --> 00:08:55,368 She would be upset only if someone told her it was a bunch of lies. 188 00:08:55,942 --> 00:08:59,872 - It was all just a bunch of lies? - It was all just a bunch of lies. 189 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,125 - The balloon expedition? - Lies! 190 00:09:02,293 --> 00:09:05,502 The man-made island shaped like his face off the coast of Dubai? 191 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:08,881 - Lies! - Finishing 3 in laser tag competion? 192 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,634 Li... actually, that one's true. I went to that. 193 00:09:11,802 --> 00:09:13,928 - You went to the Vatican? - Lies! 194 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,931 Oh, my god! 195 00:09:18,367 --> 00:09:20,517 Well, I hope you're happy with yourself. 196 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,437 - What? - You broke that girl's heart. 197 00:09:23,678 --> 00:09:24,979 - Me? - You! 198 00:09:25,881 --> 00:09:27,942 She'll probably never trust a guy again. 199 00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:30,012 You ruined her for Ted. 200 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,946 Not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn, 201 00:09:33,071 --> 00:09:34,365 Lorenzo's twin brother. 202 00:09:35,968 --> 00:09:38,546 Can you believe that? He blames me! 203 00:09:38,747 --> 00:09:41,287 And by the way, Ted, I bet she'd still go out with you. 204 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:44,792 Let me think. Do I want to go out with a girl Barney hooked up with? 205 00:09:45,114 --> 00:09:46,913 Guys, help me out with the harmonies. 206 00:09:47,038 --> 00:09:49,297 - Hell no... - Hell no... 207 00:09:53,341 --> 00:09:55,385 You must be a little bothered by this. 208 00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:56,729 It's his life. 209 00:09:56,854 --> 00:09:59,245 If these girls are dumb enough to fall for this crap, 210 00:09:59,370 --> 00:10:00,885 - they have it coming. - Agreed. 211 00:10:01,010 --> 00:10:03,686 Have you seen the one in there labeled "the SNASA"? 212 00:10:06,457 --> 00:10:07,730 You're an astronaut? 213 00:10:09,295 --> 00:10:13,188 I'm actually in a top secret government space program 214 00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,305 called secret NASA 215 00:10:15,430 --> 00:10:17,233 or SNASA. 216 00:10:18,791 --> 00:10:19,617 SNASA. 217 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,079 Do you go to the moon? 218 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:25,496 Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I have been to the... 219 00:10:25,621 --> 00:10:26,621 smoon. 220 00:10:29,112 --> 00:10:30,086 The smoon. 221 00:10:34,093 --> 00:10:36,247 If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you, 222 00:10:36,372 --> 00:10:38,344 but I'm sorry, you're a smoron. 223 00:10:39,141 --> 00:10:40,346 So, what happens next? 224 00:10:40,671 --> 00:10:41,474 Well... 225 00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:43,893 Come on, Barney, you just... 226 00:10:45,210 --> 00:10:48,397 You just got out of an honest to God relationship. 227 00:10:48,826 --> 00:10:50,509 You're a real boy now. 228 00:10:50,739 --> 00:10:52,525 You can't go back to these cheap tricks. 229 00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:53,932 Cheap tricks?! 230 00:10:54,057 --> 00:10:56,255 Not one of these is a cheap trick. 231 00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:58,157 Except for "the Cheap Trick". 232 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:01,534 I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick. 233 00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:07,583 And even that one involves expensive hair extensions. 234 00:11:08,079 --> 00:11:09,502 Now, if you don't mind, 235 00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:11,545 I'm off to prepare for tonight's main event. 236 00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:14,672 I will be performing "the he's not coming". 237 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:16,717 Glad you asked. 238 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,472 To perform "the he's not coming", here's what you'll need, 239 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,890 the observation deck of the Empire State Building. 240 00:11:24,015 --> 00:11:25,365 Are you up there? 241 00:11:25,638 --> 00:11:26,499 Good. 242 00:11:26,624 --> 00:11:29,285 For generations, this has been the spot New Yorkers have chosen 243 00:11:29,410 --> 00:11:32,132 for their romantic reunions with long-estranged lovers, 244 00:11:32,257 --> 00:11:35,068 so all you have to do is walk up to every girl you see and say... 245 00:11:35,264 --> 00:11:36,564 He's not coming. 246 00:11:37,016 --> 00:11:39,147 - What are you talking about? - Never mind. 247 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:40,908 He's not coming. 248 00:11:43,927 --> 00:11:44,953 He's not coming. 249 00:11:46,699 --> 00:11:48,049 She's not coming? 250 00:11:49,199 --> 00:11:50,199 Sorry. 251 00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:52,713 Until sooner or later... 252 00:11:54,601 --> 00:11:55,631 He's not coming. 253 00:11:57,056 --> 00:11:58,138 He's not? 254 00:11:59,351 --> 00:12:00,574 But we agreed. 255 00:12:01,125 --> 00:12:02,958 We always said we'd meet here. 256 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,400 On this night. 257 00:12:06,220 --> 00:12:08,746 I'm such a fool. 258 00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:16,442 I'm going to go get the paper. 259 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,890 - More like, go get a husband. - Totally. 260 00:12:19,015 --> 00:12:20,657 You guys need to stop that, seriously. 261 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:23,283 The last thing I am looking for right now is a relationship. 262 00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:26,739 When you pick up newspaper, be sure to check the wedding announcements. 263 00:12:26,864 --> 00:12:27,662 For yours. 264 00:12:28,473 --> 00:12:29,703 Robin, it's like this. 265 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,337 Do you have any idea how many times I've gone to the freezer 266 00:12:32,462 --> 00:12:34,396 looking for frozen waffles and not found them? 267 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,892 - Thousands? - Millions. 268 00:12:36,017 --> 00:12:39,011 But when I go to the freezer looking for a popsicle... 269 00:12:39,136 --> 00:12:41,430 Or the remote control because we are having a fight 270 00:12:41,555 --> 00:12:43,740 and she's hidden it there... You know what I find? 271 00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:46,011 Frozen waffles. That's how it works. 272 00:12:46,136 --> 00:12:49,643 You go out there looking for a paper, you're coming back with frozen waffles. 273 00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,287 And, in this case, frozen waffles is a guy. 274 00:12:52,774 --> 00:12:53,774 Also, 275 00:12:54,211 --> 00:12:55,982 could you pick up some frozen waffles? 276 00:12:56,829 --> 00:12:59,364 In that case, frozen waffles... 277 00:13:00,449 --> 00:13:01,654 are frozen waffles. 278 00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,209 Guys, code red! Emergency. 279 00:13:05,443 --> 00:13:06,994 Lockdown. Nobody's leaving. 280 00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,887 - What happened? - I tried the "he's not coming", 281 00:13:10,012 --> 00:13:11,764 and it worked. Gangbusters. 282 00:13:11,889 --> 00:13:13,567 You should have seen this girl. 283 00:13:16,201 --> 00:13:17,201 I'm leaving. 284 00:13:18,955 --> 00:13:21,717 We get up to my place, and I go into my room to set up the camera... 285 00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:23,676 To light the candles... 286 00:13:24,153 --> 00:13:25,312 And when I come out, 287 00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:28,097 she's gone, and so is the playbook! 288 00:13:29,761 --> 00:13:32,518 I think we all know who is responsible for this. 289 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:33,823 We do. 290 00:13:35,450 --> 00:13:36,356 Al-Qaeda. 291 00:13:37,778 --> 00:13:38,778 You idiot. 292 00:13:39,448 --> 00:13:40,360 It was me. 293 00:13:42,432 --> 00:13:44,572 You son of a bitch. 294 00:13:51,403 --> 00:13:53,053 You stole the playbook? 295 00:13:53,178 --> 00:13:55,042 So, the girl on the Empire State Building? 296 00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:56,709 A friend of mine, an actress. 297 00:13:57,325 --> 00:13:58,504 An actress. 298 00:13:58,672 --> 00:13:59,839 Of course. 299 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,508 That explains her impeccable diction and her sluttiness. 300 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,673 Barney, I've got half a mind to take that playbook 301 00:14:05,798 --> 00:14:07,971 and put it up on the internet for the whole world to see. 302 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,009 - You wouldn't. - I won't, 303 00:14:10,134 --> 00:14:12,639 as long as you agree to no more scams, 304 00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:15,500 no more cons, no more hustles, no more hoodwinks, 305 00:14:15,625 --> 00:14:18,607 no more gambits, no more stratagems and no more bamboozles. 306 00:14:20,252 --> 00:14:22,319 - I notice you left out flimflams. - No flimflams! 307 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:23,387 Damn it. 308 00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:25,261 My God. 309 00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:27,736 I'm sorry to interrupt, but look at this. 310 00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,541 I got left at the altar. 311 00:14:39,958 --> 00:14:41,658 My god, that's horrible. 312 00:14:42,479 --> 00:14:43,954 I wonder if that would work. 313 00:14:44,079 --> 00:14:45,906 That's not even the worst one in here. 314 00:14:46,031 --> 00:14:47,928 Have you guys seen "my penis grants wishes"? 315 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:51,848 Really? 316 00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:54,973 - A genie comes out of it? - Only if you rub it hard enough. 317 00:14:57,856 --> 00:15:00,512 - So, then, what happened? - It says here he breaks into song, 318 00:15:00,637 --> 00:15:02,831 and then the furniture comes to life and dances with him. 319 00:15:02,977 --> 00:15:06,029 It's not very well thought out. It's no "Mrs. Stinsfire". 320 00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:07,614 What happened in real life? 321 00:15:07,911 --> 00:15:09,491 Well, a few hours later... 322 00:15:18,081 --> 00:15:19,881 I heard it was gonna rain. 323 00:15:20,057 --> 00:15:22,599 If anyone's interested, I will be at MacLaren's pub 324 00:15:22,724 --> 00:15:26,049 performing a play out of the Playbook entitled "The Scuba Diver". 325 00:15:26,776 --> 00:15:28,119 That is all. 326 00:15:30,901 --> 00:15:31,957 That's it. 327 00:15:32,082 --> 00:15:34,832 I'm putting the Playbook up on the internet. 328 00:15:35,196 --> 00:15:37,060 Can you put the Playbook up on the internet? 329 00:15:37,991 --> 00:15:40,059 Of course, baby, but here's the weird thing. 330 00:15:40,184 --> 00:15:42,794 I have literally been through this book cover to cover. 331 00:15:42,919 --> 00:15:44,735 There is no play called "The Scuba Diver". 332 00:15:48,075 --> 00:15:51,492 So, now you guys want to know what "The Scuba Diver" is. 333 00:15:51,997 --> 00:15:52,959 Well, 334 00:15:53,084 --> 00:15:56,267 it was on the last page of the Playbook, 335 00:15:56,392 --> 00:15:58,581 but I ripped it out just in case. 336 00:15:59,305 --> 00:16:02,196 Don't worry. You're about to see it in action. 337 00:16:02,321 --> 00:16:03,419 See this blond? 338 00:16:05,768 --> 00:16:07,925 Tizzarget acquizzired. 339 00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:11,720 - Barney, don't do this. - Give it a rest, pest. 340 00:16:12,356 --> 00:16:14,333 If anyone should be mad, should be Robin. 341 00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:17,600 - She loves the Playbook. - I don't love the Playbook. 342 00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,196 What are you talk... 343 00:16:19,321 --> 00:16:21,772 The Playbook, it's gold. You gotta admit it's spectacular. 344 00:16:22,493 --> 00:16:24,964 Look, Barney, we just broke up. 345 00:16:25,163 --> 00:16:27,770 I mean, the costumes are cute but... 346 00:16:27,895 --> 00:16:29,434 We just broke up. 347 00:16:32,494 --> 00:16:34,493 I didn't know you felt that way. 348 00:16:36,831 --> 00:16:39,207 I guess I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I... 349 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,682 Crap, she's looking over here. Quick, everyone, scatter. 350 00:16:44,882 --> 00:16:45,882 That's it. 351 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,551 You see that guy over there in the scuba suit? 352 00:16:51,158 --> 00:16:52,845 And that brings us to right now. 353 00:16:55,339 --> 00:16:56,480 But... Wait. 354 00:16:56,605 --> 00:16:58,349 So, why is he wearing scuba gear? 355 00:16:58,755 --> 00:17:00,121 We don't know. 356 00:17:00,246 --> 00:17:02,563 And it's killing us, Claire. It's killing us! 357 00:17:02,947 --> 00:17:04,189 Let's go ask him. 358 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:08,986 So, what's "The Scuba Diver"? 359 00:17:09,379 --> 00:17:10,946 And this is Claire, by the way. 360 00:17:13,507 --> 00:17:14,950 I'm Lieutenant Frank Lyman. 361 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:18,412 I train bomb sniffing dolphins for the balt... 362 00:17:19,832 --> 00:17:21,032 You know what? 363 00:17:23,802 --> 00:17:25,132 I can't do this. 364 00:17:26,894 --> 00:17:28,004 I am so sorry. 365 00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:31,884 This breakup's been tougher on me than I thought. 366 00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:35,888 This Playbook was just a way to take my mind off of things. 367 00:17:37,739 --> 00:17:40,082 It's okay. It's been tough on me, too. 368 00:17:40,207 --> 00:17:42,185 I mean, look at me. I've sworn off relationships. 369 00:17:42,473 --> 00:17:44,558 - She getting married. - Gotta work on my toast. 370 00:17:44,683 --> 00:17:46,023 Gotta make sure my tux fits. 371 00:17:46,191 --> 00:17:48,567 I will bang your heads together like coconuts. 372 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,205 I'm so glad you're stopping this. 373 00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:53,480 And, frankly, 374 00:17:53,738 --> 00:17:55,755 the real Barney is way cooler 375 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,291 than any of the fake Barneys in this Playbook. 376 00:17:58,416 --> 00:17:59,394 Is that right? 377 00:17:59,519 --> 00:18:02,518 Claire, you've probably heard a lot about the real Barney tonight. 378 00:18:02,643 --> 00:18:05,958 - Want to grab a cup of coffee? - Claire, before you turn him down, 379 00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:07,733 I think you should know 380 00:18:08,109 --> 00:18:10,130 that under this neoprene suit 381 00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:13,119 with what appears to be a tube sock stuffed in the crotch... 382 00:18:13,244 --> 00:18:16,945 - Can of Pringles, but go on. - ... is an amazing guy. 383 00:18:17,345 --> 00:18:21,007 He's fun and one of my best friends. 384 00:18:21,132 --> 00:18:22,559 And he landed this hottie. 385 00:18:23,573 --> 00:18:24,937 He's a good guy. 386 00:18:27,332 --> 00:18:29,942 - Come on, go out with him. - It's just a cup of coffee, right? 387 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,779 All right. Let's get some coffee. 388 00:18:37,155 --> 00:18:39,155 And by the end of the night... 389 00:18:39,649 --> 00:18:40,744 I'm proud of him. 390 00:18:41,385 --> 00:18:43,330 To be that vulnerable takes a lot of Pringles. 391 00:18:45,543 --> 00:18:47,333 I got a text from Barney. 392 00:18:47,582 --> 00:18:49,232 "Look under the table." 393 00:18:54,098 --> 00:18:55,717 It's a page from the Playbook. 394 00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:57,408 What does it say? 395 00:18:57,533 --> 00:18:59,012 It's "The Scuba Diver". 396 00:19:02,205 --> 00:19:04,710 One: tell a meddlesome female friend about the Playbook. 397 00:19:04,835 --> 00:19:08,288 Two: run a play on one of her coworkers, making her so angry she steals it. 398 00:19:08,413 --> 00:19:09,106 Three: 399 00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:12,067 put on the scuba suit and tell her you gonna do "The Scuba Diver" 400 00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:15,223 on the hot girl standing by the bar. Your friend, let's call her Lily... 401 00:19:15,348 --> 00:19:17,822 talks to the girl and tells her everything about the book. 402 00:19:18,007 --> 00:19:20,866 Here's where it gets tricky. When they ask what "The Scuba Diver" is, 403 00:19:21,052 --> 00:19:23,787 take off your mask, give them spiel about your deep-seated insecurities 404 00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,931 which don't exist, because you're awesome. 405 00:19:26,196 --> 00:19:29,949 Then, Lily talks you up to the girl who agrees to go get coffee with you. 406 00:19:30,074 --> 00:19:31,100 And it... 407 00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:32,705 is... 408 00:19:33,104 --> 00:19:34,204 on. 409 00:19:40,196 --> 00:19:43,114 You son of a bitch. 410 00:19:46,606 --> 00:19:47,994 I'll give you a call. 411 00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:49,612 All right. Bye-bye. 412 00:19:50,935 --> 00:19:54,725 For those of you keeping score, "The Ted Mosby" works. 413 00:19:57,796 --> 00:20:00,089 Here we go. You say you don't want a relationship. 414 00:20:01,176 --> 00:20:03,301 The love of your life is about to walk through the door 415 00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:04,677 and it's... 416 00:20:06,446 --> 00:20:07,446 that guy. 417 00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:12,979 - I'm not falling in love with that guy. - Right, because it's going to be... 418 00:20:13,334 --> 00:20:14,145 That guy. 419 00:20:16,657 --> 00:20:19,650 I don't know. The blue blazer's just not doing it for me... 420 00:20:20,054 --> 00:20:21,694 You're right, It's that guy! 421 00:20:26,314 --> 00:20:27,658 You should give her a chance. 422 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:30,328 Make out with her a little, see if there's something there. 423 00:20:31,260 --> 00:20:33,039 - I'm going to work. - Yeah, you are. 424 00:20:33,164 --> 00:20:34,540 I'm actually gonna work. 425 00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:37,627 - Go, work it. - And the ironic part was... 426 00:20:39,555 --> 00:20:40,555 Robin? 427 00:20:41,215 --> 00:20:44,175 - Don, your new cohost. - That was the day she met Don. 428 00:20:46,170 --> 00:20:47,670 Damn it, Marshall.