1
00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:03,067
Never know
2
00:00:03,068 --> 00:00:04,903
When you're about to meet
someone really important.
3
00:00:04,904 --> 00:00:07,205
It's not like life gives
you a warning.
4
00:00:07,206 --> 00:00:09,882
You just look up and there they are.
5
00:00:09,917 --> 00:00:12,974
Come on, we're going to go
get trashed on the roof.
6
00:00:12,975 --> 00:00:14,271
No, not that dude.
7
00:00:14,272 --> 00:00:17,142
Her.
8
00:00:17,746 --> 00:00:19,615
I'm good, boomer.
9
00:00:19,616 --> 00:00:20,917
My name's not boomer.
10
00:00:20,918 --> 00:00:23,057
Oh, in my head, it is. Gentlemen,
11
00:00:23,058 --> 00:00:25,901
I'm a faculty member, and you're underage,
12
00:00:25,902 --> 00:00:30,911
So it's my duty to
confiscate this and this and-
13
00:00:30,912 --> 00:00:32,044
Hard lemonade?
14
00:00:32,045 --> 00:00:33,312
You know what, boomer?
15
00:00:33,313 --> 00:00:34,414
You can keep that.
16
00:00:34,415 --> 00:00:35,714
I swear,
17
00:00:35,715 --> 00:00:37,316
Every week I get asked by some frat guy
18
00:00:37,317 --> 00:00:38,955
To a kegger, and I say,
19
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:41,523
"i'm a phd candidate writing
a dissertation entitled
20
00:00:41,524 --> 00:00:42,857
'foreign direct investment
21
00:00:42,858 --> 00:00:44,691
And intergenerational linkages
in consumption behavior.'"
22
00:00:45,627 --> 00:00:47,929
And what does frat guy say to that?
23
00:00:47,930 --> 00:00:49,363
: "that's hot."
24
00:00:49,364 --> 00:00:51,666
actually, that is kind of hot.
25
00:00:53,568 --> 00:00:55,903
Ted, I have a confession. Hmm.
26
00:00:55,904 --> 00:00:57,304
I recognize you.
27
00:00:57,305 --> 00:00:59,974
Do you remember the first day
of classes last semester?
28
00:00:59,975 --> 00:01:01,843
Econ 305?
29
00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:05,314
Kids, you remember the wrong
classroom story.
30
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:08,785
I thought I was in architecture 101,
but it was econ 305.
31
00:01:08,786 --> 00:01:10,622
Of course, what I didn't know was
32
00:01:10,623 --> 00:01:13,092
That your mother was somewhere
in that class,
33
00:01:13,093 --> 00:01:15,928
And she thought I was a
complete idiot.
34
00:01:15,929 --> 00:01:18,531
I thought you were a complete idiot.
35
00:01:18,532 --> 00:01:20,834
But a very cute idiot.
36
00:01:22,439 --> 00:01:26,542
So, um, do you ever date cute idiots?
37
00:01:26,543 --> 00:01:29,446
Almost exclusively.
38
00:01:29,447 --> 00:01:30,447
Transcript by addic7ed.com
39
00:01:42,395 --> 00:01:44,130
She's a phd candidate,
40
00:01:44,131 --> 00:01:45,832
She reads philosophy for fun,
41
00:01:45,833 --> 00:01:49,938
She does the Sunday crossword
every week and finishes it.
42
00:01:49,939 --> 00:01:51,273
Ooh. Barney: Wow,
43
00:01:51,274 --> 00:01:53,842
- Ted, I am so happy for you
- sorry,
44
00:01:53,843 --> 00:01:56,512
Not for you, happy I'm not you.
45
00:01:56,513 --> 00:01:59,482
Long story short: I have a date tonight.
46
00:01:59,483 --> 00:02:01,283
Oh, yay.
47
00:02:01,284 --> 00:02:03,652
hmm?
48
00:02:03,653 --> 00:02:06,822
Thanks, new york,
I'll try not to screw it up.
49
00:02:08,591 --> 00:02:09,691
What's going on?
50
00:02:09,692 --> 00:02:11,159
There's a huge line outside maclaren's.
51
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,828
And why is it almost entirely dudes?
52
00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:17,431
Only two things could cause
that kind of commotion.
53
00:02:17,432 --> 00:02:18,565
Boobs.
54
00:02:18,566 --> 00:02:21,335
* she's my cherry pie... *
55
00:02:21,336 --> 00:02:23,105
Ladies and gentlemen,
56
00:02:23,106 --> 00:02:27,009
Maclaren's has hired a hot bartender.
57
00:02:27,010 --> 00:02:30,979
* sweet cherry pie, yeah. *
58
00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:32,681
Look at all these guys.
59
00:02:33,916 --> 00:02:36,685
The sidewalk's going to
smell like pee-pee now.
60
00:02:36,686 --> 00:02:38,887
Well, we'd better start
looking for a new bar.
61
00:02:38,888 --> 00:02:40,790
What, are you- what, are you- are you crazy?
62
00:02:40,791 --> 00:02:43,493
It is a hot bartender.
63
00:02:43,494 --> 00:02:47,398
Do you know how long I have
been waiting to land a...
64
00:02:47,399 --> 00:02:50,934
My friends, I have been
with many women in my day.
65
00:02:51,803 --> 00:02:56,206
Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors,
66
00:02:56,207 --> 00:02:59,843
Professional equestrians,
amateur equestrians...
67
00:02:59,844 --> 00:03:03,380
A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker-
68
00:03:03,381 --> 00:03:05,149
Yes, we're to the rhyming section now-
69
00:03:05,150 --> 00:03:10,220
A math professor, a tax assessor,
a weight guesser...
70
00:03:10,221 --> 00:03:12,022
A puppeteer,
71
00:03:12,023 --> 00:03:13,323
A blackjack dealer,
72
00:03:13,324 --> 00:03:16,092
A stay-at-home mom- that's a job, too, guys-
73
00:03:16,093 --> 00:03:17,560
A circuit court judge...
74
00:03:17,561 --> 00:03:18,661
Get to the point!
75
00:03:18,662 --> 00:03:23,700
I have never, ever scored a hot bartender
76
00:03:23,701 --> 00:03:25,836
Until tonight.
77
00:03:25,837 --> 00:03:27,571
She's really not that hot.
78
00:03:27,572 --> 00:03:30,775
Aw, is someone jealous of all the attention?
79
00:03:30,776 --> 00:03:33,377
Did somebody fancy herself
the hottest girl in the bar?
80
00:03:33,378 --> 00:03:37,615
Gosh, no. Shut up!
81
00:03:37,616 --> 00:03:39,149
All right, wish me luck.
82
00:03:39,150 --> 00:03:40,585
All right, it's never going to happen.
83
00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:41,585
Barney, she's just going
84
00:03:41,586 --> 00:03:42,787
To pretend to like you
85
00:03:42,788 --> 00:03:45,323
The same way she hypnotized
all these geniuses.
86
00:03:45,324 --> 00:03:47,491
Yeah, but guess who's not
going to fall under her spell?
87
00:03:47,492 --> 00:03:49,460
I'm gonna be all, "drop the act, baby doll.
88
00:03:49,461 --> 00:03:50,761
Daddy needs a gin and tonic."
89
00:03:50,762 --> 00:03:51,995
Then when she brings it,
90
00:03:51,996 --> 00:03:54,498
I'm gonna just spit it
out and say, "try again."
91
00:03:54,499 --> 00:03:57,200
Boom! Alpha dog is right where he belongs:
92
00:03:57,201 --> 00:04:00,604
On top, then after a few minutes,
on the bottom.
93
00:04:00,605 --> 00:04:01,938
Why should I do all the work?
94
00:04:01,939 --> 00:04:05,576
Hi, marshall. Guys, what's happening?
95
00:04:05,577 --> 00:04:07,578
New superhot bartender.
96
00:04:07,579 --> 00:04:08,846
Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.
97
00:04:08,847 --> 00:04:11,315
Eh.
98
00:04:11,316 --> 00:04:12,451
Ha, ha, see?
99
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:13,885
Marshall doesn't think she's hot either.
100
00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:15,853
Yes, he does.
101
00:04:15,854 --> 00:04:17,288
Baby, you don't have to pretend
102
00:04:17,289 --> 00:04:20,058
Other women aren't
attractive just for my sake.
103
00:04:20,059 --> 00:04:23,061
I know, and if that woman
were anywhere near as hot
104
00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:25,163
As the woman I'm married to,
then I'd admit it,
105
00:04:25,164 --> 00:04:26,464
But she's not.
106
00:04:26,465 --> 00:04:30,201
Oh, baby, you're so sweet,
but compared to that woman,
107
00:04:30,202 --> 00:04:32,737
I am a big bag of three-day-old garbage.
108
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:35,040
Well, I call 'em
109
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:36,575
Like I see 'em, and...
110
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:39,478
I just think you're the most
beautiful woman in the world.
111
00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:42,247
See, that's just annoying.
112
00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:45,050
Oh, my god, you are so funny.
113
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:46,985
That'll be $6.75.
114
00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:48,787
Here's a 50, keep the change.
115
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,389
Oh, thank you.
116
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,558
Amateurs.
117
00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:53,692
Hey.
118
00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:55,360
What do you want? Drop the act, baby doll-
119
00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:57,496
Wait, what? Are you gonna order
120
00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:59,798
A drink or are you just gonna
stand there looking stupid?
121
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:01,266
Um...
122
00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:02,568
I don't know how to make an um.
123
00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:05,303
Is that equal parts vodka and
get-the-hell-out-of-my face?
124
00:05:06,572 --> 00:05:08,106
Hey, bobby!
125
00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:09,707
What's going on?
126
00:05:09,708 --> 00:05:11,108
Later that night, I embarked
127
00:05:11,109 --> 00:05:13,443
Upon a very important first date.
128
00:05:13,444 --> 00:05:14,744
How are you? Good. Come in.
129
00:05:14,745 --> 00:05:16,946
It's funny, sometimes you
walk into a place
130
00:05:16,947 --> 00:05:20,316
You've never been before,
but you get the feeling
131
00:05:20,317 --> 00:05:23,719
You're exactly where you're supposed to
be.
132
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,155
And kids, that's the first
time I ever saw
133
00:05:26,156 --> 00:05:28,625
Your mother's little yellow bus.
134
00:05:28,626 --> 00:05:30,160
You know the one.
135
00:05:30,161 --> 00:05:32,362
It's right behind you.
136
00:05:35,799 --> 00:05:38,334
Hey, this is cute.
137
00:05:38,335 --> 00:05:40,703
Actually, it's my roommate's.
138
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,621
There I was, kids, standing in your
mother's apartment,
139
00:05:46,622 --> 00:05:48,657
Never mind the fact that I was on
a date with her roommate
140
00:05:48,658 --> 00:05:49,858
Cindy.
141
00:05:49,859 --> 00:05:51,826
Sorry, I shouldn't be messing
142
00:05:51,827 --> 00:05:53,428
With your roommate's stuff.
143
00:05:54,429 --> 00:05:56,296
what's she like?
144
00:05:56,297 --> 00:05:58,365
I didn't know it,
but I was about to hear
145
00:05:58,366 --> 00:06:00,835
The very first description of the woman I'd
one day marry.
146
00:06:00,836 --> 00:06:02,570
She's a whore.
147
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:05,506
I think she's a dominatrix. What?
148
00:06:05,507 --> 00:06:08,910
Okay, I'm sorry, none of that is true.
149
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:10,011
I have a bit
150
00:06:10,012 --> 00:06:12,246
Of a roommate complex. Why?
151
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:15,183
Guys are always falling in love with her.
152
00:06:15,184 --> 00:06:17,351
Hey, hey, look at me.
153
00:06:17,352 --> 00:06:19,386
I promise you
154
00:06:19,387 --> 00:06:21,755
I am not going to fall in
love with your roommate.
155
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,024
Oops.
156
00:06:24,025 --> 00:06:26,860
Okay, now that you've had
a closer look, admit it:
157
00:06:26,861 --> 00:06:30,464
That bartender is the
hottest woman in this bar.
158
00:06:30,465 --> 00:06:32,665
Second hottest.
159
00:06:33,033 --> 00:06:34,667
I repeat...
160
00:06:34,668 --> 00:06:36,169
Eh.
161
00:06:36,170 --> 00:06:38,838
Baby, how could you not want to hit that?
162
00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:40,172
I want to hit that.
163
00:06:40,173 --> 00:06:41,607
If you don't want to hit that,
164
00:06:41,608 --> 00:06:44,043
I'm sorry, but you might be gay.
165
00:06:44,044 --> 00:06:45,711
Hell, yeah, I'm gay.
166
00:06:45,712 --> 00:06:47,613
Gay for you.
167
00:06:47,614 --> 00:06:49,215
Whatever. Did you find out why
168
00:06:49,216 --> 00:06:52,751
I'm the one guy in this entire
bar she seems to despise?
169
00:06:52,752 --> 00:06:54,586
I did, um...
170
00:06:54,587 --> 00:06:56,554
You're not going to like the answer.
171
00:06:56,555 --> 00:07:00,858
My last three boyfriends were
wall street guys- bastards-
172
00:07:00,859 --> 00:07:01,926
So I vowed
173
00:07:01,927 --> 00:07:03,260
Never again to date
174
00:07:03,261 --> 00:07:04,862
A guy who wears suits.
175
00:07:04,863 --> 00:07:06,664
Huh.
176
00:07:06,665 --> 00:07:07,832
Okay, well, that's easy.
177
00:07:07,833 --> 00:07:10,034
All I have to do is stop wearing suits. Oh,
178
00:07:10,035 --> 00:07:11,236
That's all, barney?
179
00:07:11,237 --> 00:07:13,772
Come on, you're never not in a suit.
180
00:07:16,042 --> 00:07:20,546
True... But for those- I mean, for that-
181
00:07:20,547 --> 00:07:22,715
I mean, for her...
182
00:07:22,716 --> 00:07:26,285
I will stop wearing-
183
00:07:26,286 --> 00:07:27,386
Wait for it...
184
00:07:27,387 --> 00:07:28,887
We know you're going to say "suits."
185
00:07:29,388 --> 00:07:31,556
...Suits.
186
00:07:32,757 --> 00:07:33,890
Meanwhile, cindy and I
187
00:07:33,891 --> 00:07:35,359
Were having a lovely evening,
188
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,727
Except she wasn't kidding about
her roommate complex.
189
00:07:37,728 --> 00:07:39,695
And another weird thing about my roommate:
190
00:07:39,696 --> 00:07:43,232
She does these bizarre paintings
of robots playing sports.
191
00:07:43,233 --> 00:07:45,467
Yeah, that is weird.
192
00:07:45,468 --> 00:07:46,468
I was lying.
193
00:07:46,469 --> 00:07:47,703
That sounded awesome.
194
00:07:47,704 --> 00:07:49,137
Your mother's robot
volleyball watercolor
195
00:07:49,138 --> 00:07:51,339
Is hanging up in the den as we speak.
196
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:52,340
Yeah,
197
00:07:52,341 --> 00:07:54,142
And she has this crazy habit
198
00:07:54,143 --> 00:07:56,778
Of making breakfast food sing show tunes.
199
00:07:56,779 --> 00:07:58,246
That's just bizarre.
200
00:07:58,247 --> 00:07:59,781
Your mother's rendition of "memories"
201
00:07:59,782 --> 00:08:02,483
As performed by an english muffin is,
to this day,
202
00:08:02,484 --> 00:08:06,820
The most hauntingly beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
203
00:08:06,821 --> 00:08:08,755
Look, I'm sold.
204
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:10,156
I hate this girl.
205
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,724
I'm sorry.
206
00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:12,759
Look, she's not that bad.
207
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,527
I just get a little jealous.
208
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:16,428
I don't know why.
209
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:17,429
You're awesome.
210
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,565
But not as awesome as your mother.
211
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:22,734
And speaking of things that
are less awesome,
212
00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:25,469
Your uncle barney had
officially suited down.
213
00:08:25,470 --> 00:08:27,171
I am so sorry
214
00:08:27,172 --> 00:08:28,607
I misjudged you.
215
00:08:28,608 --> 00:08:29,608
If there is
216
00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:30,776
One type of person
217
00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:32,044
That I cannot stand,
218
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,479
It is a man in a suit.
219
00:08:34,581 --> 00:08:36,316
That and a woman who has no respect
220
00:08:36,317 --> 00:08:37,551
For herself.
221
00:08:37,552 --> 00:08:39,453
Yeah.
222
00:08:39,454 --> 00:08:43,224
- Suits and insecure women
- I hate 'em.
223
00:08:43,225 --> 00:08:45,726
Just hate 'em.
224
00:08:47,262 --> 00:08:48,395
Hey. Hey. Hey, how was
225
00:08:48,396 --> 00:08:49,864
Your date with cindy?
226
00:08:49,865 --> 00:08:53,100
Well, last night was great,
today not so much.
227
00:08:53,101 --> 00:08:54,568
What, why?
228
00:08:54,569 --> 00:08:55,836
I found out the school's policy
229
00:08:55,837 --> 00:08:59,806
About students and professors
dating is really strict.
230
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,474
I could lose my scholarship.
231
00:09:01,475 --> 00:09:03,743
Yeah, but I-it's not
like you're in my class.
232
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:06,078
I mean, we're not even
in the same department.
233
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,582
I'm sorry, but I just can't risk it.
234
00:09:09,884 --> 00:09:12,219
She's completely overreacting, right?
235
00:09:12,220 --> 00:09:13,553
Actually, ted, she has a point.
236
00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:14,921
Yeah, and think about it.
237
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,657
If the rules are that strict,
238
00:09:16,658 --> 00:09:19,260
You could be putting your job in jeopardy.
239
00:09:19,261 --> 00:09:22,196
I think, I think you got
to let this one go, buddy.
240
00:09:22,197 --> 00:09:23,398
Let's try this again:
241
00:09:23,399 --> 00:09:25,967
She's completely overreacting, right?
242
00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:27,034
Of course, they were right.
243
00:09:27,035 --> 00:09:29,237
I had to let it go,
244
00:09:29,238 --> 00:09:30,806
But as your uncle barney was about to find
out,
245
00:09:30,807 --> 00:09:33,508
It's not so easy to let things go.
246
00:09:44,353 --> 00:09:46,655
: Suit up.
247
00:09:46,656 --> 00:09:48,957
Now, none of us had ever seen
248
00:09:48,958 --> 00:09:51,693
Barney go this long
without suiting up,
249
00:09:51,694 --> 00:09:54,129
And kids, it wasn't pretty.
250
00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:55,530
So sorry I'm late.
251
00:09:55,531 --> 00:09:57,098
I got stuck at work.
252
00:09:57,099 --> 00:09:58,566
You know how today I had that presentation
253
00:09:58,567 --> 00:10:01,269
On offshore dividend tax implications?
254
00:10:01,270 --> 00:10:02,770
Sure, I was totally paying attention
255
00:10:02,771 --> 00:10:04,305
When you talked about that.
256
00:10:04,306 --> 00:10:07,208
Right, so I fire up the powerpoint...
257
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,449
Um, barney?
258
00:10:16,084 --> 00:10:18,319
Barney. Aah.
259
00:10:31,967 --> 00:10:34,435
: Suit up.
260
00:10:35,203 --> 00:10:36,970
* *
261
00:10:50,551 --> 00:10:52,586
Hey, barney, we're going to order some food.
262
00:10:52,587 --> 00:10:53,821
Okay, be out in a sec.
263
00:10:53,822 --> 00:10:55,956
Okay.
264
00:10:56,792 --> 00:10:59,494
Okay.
265
00:11:01,497 --> 00:11:03,598
No.
266
00:11:03,599 --> 00:11:04,833
Out of the way!
267
00:11:04,834 --> 00:11:06,067
Stay with me.
268
00:11:06,068 --> 00:11:07,602
It's not your time.
269
00:11:07,603 --> 00:11:09,938
If anyone could fix
something like this,
270
00:11:09,939 --> 00:11:11,640
It was barney's personal tailor,
271
00:11:11,641 --> 00:11:13,475
Tv's tim gunn.
272
00:11:13,476 --> 00:11:15,310
I'm sorry, barney.
273
00:11:15,311 --> 00:11:17,546
I couldn't make it work.
274
00:11:19,616 --> 00:11:22,051
So young.
275
00:11:22,052 --> 00:11:23,852
There's nothing else you could do?
276
00:11:23,853 --> 00:11:26,488
No, but there is another suit
277
00:11:26,489 --> 00:11:28,824
That can use the buttons from your suit.
278
00:11:28,825 --> 00:11:30,226
That can...
279
00:11:30,227 --> 00:11:32,094
Like an organ donor?
280
00:11:32,095 --> 00:11:35,731
Your suit's death could
mean another suit's life.
281
00:11:35,732 --> 00:11:38,668
But I...
282
00:11:40,237 --> 00:11:41,671
Do it.
283
00:11:41,672 --> 00:11:43,773
You're doing the right thing.
284
00:11:46,977 --> 00:11:49,211
Please don't cry on this.
285
00:11:49,212 --> 00:11:51,079
It's silk. I'm sorry.
286
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,247
I know. I know.
287
00:11:58,553 --> 00:12:00,954
We cremated the remains.
288
00:12:00,955 --> 00:12:03,090
His buttons saved the life
289
00:12:03,091 --> 00:12:05,893
Of a sick little jacket
on the upper east side.
290
00:12:06,962 --> 00:12:09,997
Well, at least now you can
finally drop this quest
291
00:12:09,998 --> 00:12:12,033
For the so-called hot bartender.
292
00:12:12,034 --> 00:12:13,034
No.
293
00:12:13,569 --> 00:12:15,802
My suit gave its life
294
00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:17,404
For this cause,
295
00:12:17,405 --> 00:12:20,807
And I will not rest until those...
296
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,108
I mean, that...
297
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:25,477
I mean, she... Is mine.
298
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:31,283
He's absolutely right.
299
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:34,854
Who, the guy kissing a jar full
of dead suit ashes - that guy?
300
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:37,023
What if cindy is the woman
I'm supposed to marry,
301
00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:39,025
And I'm just giving up?
302
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,394
So long, elegant,
yet welcoming home in westchester
303
00:12:41,395 --> 00:12:43,230
With a sensible mortgage I can handle
304
00:12:43,231 --> 00:12:44,765
Without dipping into my savings.
305
00:12:44,766 --> 00:12:47,735
Bye-bye, two kids I raised
with a stern, yet loving hand,
306
00:12:47,736 --> 00:12:49,169
Finding the perfect balance between
307
00:12:49,170 --> 00:12:50,404
Father and friend.
308
00:12:50,405 --> 00:12:53,873
Adios, triplet schnauzers,
frank, lloyd and wright.
309
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:54,907
Ted! Ted! Ted!
310
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:56,608
The point is,
311
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,377
I'm not giving up, either!
312
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,746
Ooh. Ooh.
313
00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:04,081
I don't know why I just did that.
314
00:13:06,351 --> 00:13:09,786
Barney, I'm so sorry about your friend.
315
00:13:09,787 --> 00:13:10,954
Tell me about him.
316
00:13:10,955 --> 00:13:13,090
he was italian.
317
00:13:13,091 --> 00:13:15,626
Classy, elegant.
318
00:13:15,627 --> 00:13:18,496
And boy, did he have a way with the ladies.
319
00:13:18,497 --> 00:13:20,365
They just couldn't say no.
320
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:22,101
How old was he? Seven.
321
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:25,638
I miss him so much!
322
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:28,074
You shouldn't be alone tonight.
323
00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:30,243
I'm gonna end my shift early.
324
00:13:32,513 --> 00:13:34,347
Thank you, old friend.
325
00:13:34,348 --> 00:13:36,949
: You're going out with a bang.
326
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,785
Come on, marshall.
327
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,753
Just admit that she's hotter than me.
328
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,354
I won't be hurt.
329
00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:44,488
Can't do it.
330
00:13:44,489 --> 00:13:45,689
You're hotter.
331
00:13:45,690 --> 00:13:47,258
Oh, she's a goddess!
332
00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:48,959
Her skin glows.
333
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,827
Her legs go for miles.
334
00:13:50,828 --> 00:13:52,196
And that ass?
335
00:13:52,197 --> 00:13:54,598
I would wear that thing for a hat.
336
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,234
Last night in bed, I'll admit it,
337
00:13:57,235 --> 00:13:59,303
She popped into my head a couple of times.
338
00:13:59,304 --> 00:14:01,938
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you try...?
339
00:14:01,939 --> 00:14:04,274
Like, you think she's hotter than me?
340
00:14:04,275 --> 00:14:06,643
I never said that.
341
00:14:06,644 --> 00:14:07,644
Oh, my god!
342
00:14:07,645 --> 00:14:08,845
You do.
343
00:14:08,846 --> 00:14:10,113
It's apples and oranges.
344
00:14:10,114 --> 00:14:11,648
She's younger than you.
345
00:14:11,649 --> 00:14:13,417
I'm just saying, like,
346
00:14:13,418 --> 00:14:16,087
Me in my prime versus her in her prime.
347
00:14:16,088 --> 00:14:17,221
Well...
348
00:14:17,222 --> 00:14:18,356
Oh, my god!
349
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,327
You guys, her hotness isn't even real!
350
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:24,430
It's circumstantial hotness.
351
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:25,631
Watch.
352
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:32,271
* she's my cherry pie *
353
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:35,241
* cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise *
354
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,744
* taste so good,
make a grown man cry... *
355
00:14:37,745 --> 00:14:42,315
- I
- I suppose you think she's hotter than me, too.
356
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:44,551
* wow! *
357
00:14:46,587 --> 00:14:48,088
What the hell are you doing?! What?
358
00:14:48,089 --> 00:14:50,123
You're not allowed back here.
359
00:14:50,124 --> 00:14:52,125
Oh, no. Uh, I... Carl, look.
360
00:14:52,126 --> 00:14:54,394
No. I-I don't want to go back.
361
00:14:54,395 --> 00:14:55,995
Please, please, don't make me go back.
362
00:14:55,996 --> 00:14:57,363
You got to go. Don't. I...
363
00:14:57,364 --> 00:14:58,765
You got to go. I just...
364
00:14:58,766 --> 00:15:02,168
No, carl. I was...
I was somebody back there!
365
00:15:02,870 --> 00:15:04,837
Everybody loved me.
366
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,548
Hey. Hi.
367
00:15:15,549 --> 00:15:16,815
Can we talk?
368
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,750
My roommate's just about
to get out of the shower.
369
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:19,952
Let's talk in my room.
370
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,487
Okay.
371
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:32,097
Look, cindy, I know
372
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,831
The university rulebook says we can't date.
373
00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:35,633
But it also says, "don't teach drunk,"
374
00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:37,535
And I do that all the time.
375
00:15:37,536 --> 00:15:39,036
The point is,
376
00:15:39,037 --> 00:15:40,270
I like you.
377
00:15:40,271 --> 00:15:41,238
I do.
378
00:15:41,239 --> 00:15:42,873
You're sweet, you're funny.
379
00:15:42,874 --> 00:15:43,807
You're writing a dissertation
380
00:15:43,808 --> 00:15:44,974
Entitled,
381
00:15:44,975 --> 00:15:46,409
Foreign direct investment
382
00:15:46,410 --> 00:15:48,177
And intergenerational linkages
and consumption behavior.
383
00:15:48,178 --> 00:15:50,045
I mean, that is hot.
384
00:15:51,147 --> 00:15:53,482
I know this sounds crazy, but...
385
00:15:53,483 --> 00:15:56,718
I feel like our paths are
supposed to cross somehow.
386
00:15:56,719 --> 00:16:00,822
And I don't want to miss out on knowing you.
387
00:16:00,823 --> 00:16:04,158
I don't want to miss out
on knowing you, either.
388
00:16:05,793 --> 00:16:07,327
Look, I got to tell you,
389
00:16:07,328 --> 00:16:09,462
I mean, just from looking around your room,
390
00:16:09,463 --> 00:16:11,798
I can tell we have a ton in common.
391
00:16:11,799 --> 00:16:12,966
Really?
392
00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:14,134
The unicorns?
393
00:16:14,135 --> 00:16:16,336
Who will cut our hair
when we're gone?
394
00:16:16,337 --> 00:16:19,339
I have never met anyone
else who has this album.
395
00:16:19,340 --> 00:16:21,608
That's my roommate's. I borrowed it.
396
00:16:21,609 --> 00:16:22,877
Oh.
397
00:16:22,878 --> 00:16:24,946
Well, well, what about this?
398
00:16:24,947 --> 00:16:26,781
World's end by t.C. Boyle?
399
00:16:26,782 --> 00:16:29,050
That was a birthday gift...
From my roommate.
400
00:16:29,051 --> 00:16:30,785
Haven't checked it out yet.
401
00:16:30,786 --> 00:16:32,453
Oh. Oh, you should.
402
00:16:32,454 --> 00:16:34,888
It's-it's a good read.
403
00:16:34,889 --> 00:16:36,823
Well, what about this? This is ridiculous.
404
00:16:36,824 --> 00:16:38,291
You play bass?
405
00:16:38,292 --> 00:16:39,825
Seriously, ask my friends.
406
00:16:39,826 --> 00:16:43,162
I always say, my ideal woman...
407
00:16:43,163 --> 00:16:46,631
Does not play bass, because
this is clearly your roommate's.
408
00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:47,699
She's in a band.
409
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:49,635
: Damn, that's cool.
410
00:16:49,636 --> 00:16:51,771
This is unbelievable.
411
00:16:51,772 --> 00:16:54,507
You just picked out the
only three things in here
412
00:16:54,508 --> 00:16:56,376
That are my roommate's.
413
00:16:56,377 --> 00:16:59,980
So, does your roommate's band
ever play shows, or...? Get out.
414
00:17:01,683 --> 00:17:03,884
Kids, as you probably guessed,
415
00:17:03,885 --> 00:17:06,620
That wasn't the night I
met your mother.
416
00:17:08,423 --> 00:17:10,892
Although I think I glimpsed her foot.
417
00:17:10,893 --> 00:17:13,994
But I did get a little bit closer
418
00:17:13,995 --> 00:17:16,129
To meeting the woman of my dreams.
419
00:17:16,130 --> 00:17:17,964
And your mom-
420
00:17:17,965 --> 00:17:20,366
Well, she got her yellow
umbrella back.
421
00:17:21,267 --> 00:17:24,770
It was just so special, you know?
422
00:17:24,771 --> 00:17:28,139
I feel like we should give
him a moment of silence.
423
00:17:28,140 --> 00:17:31,309
Followed by, like, 20 minutes of grunting.
424
00:17:33,179 --> 00:17:36,415
I'm gonna make you feel all better.
425
00:17:37,718 --> 00:17:38,851
Let me just go freshen up.
426
00:17:38,852 --> 00:17:40,019
All right.
427
00:17:40,020 --> 00:17:42,055
Oh, wait. No, no, that's not the bathroom!
428
00:17:42,056 --> 00:17:43,256
That...
429
00:17:43,257 --> 00:17:45,525
Are these yours?
430
00:17:47,028 --> 00:17:49,530
I'm suit-sitting for someone.
431
00:17:49,531 --> 00:17:51,232
Barney, you lied to me.
432
00:17:52,868 --> 00:17:55,136
You have to choose right now.
433
00:17:55,137 --> 00:17:57,538
Me... Or the suits.
434
00:18:02,711 --> 00:18:05,046
* I know what you're thinkin',
"what's barney been drinkin'?" *
435
00:18:05,047 --> 00:18:06,547
* that girl was smokin' hot! *
436
00:18:06,548 --> 00:18:09,249
* yes, I coulda nailed her,
but no, it's not a failure *
437
00:18:09,250 --> 00:18:11,184
* 'cause there's one
thing she is not *
438
00:18:11,185 --> 00:18:13,153
* to score a ten
would be just fine *
439
00:18:13,154 --> 00:18:16,089
* but I'd rather be
dressed to the nines *
440
00:18:16,090 --> 00:18:21,060
* it's a truth you can't refute *
441
00:18:21,061 --> 00:18:25,131
* nothin' suits me like a suit! *
442
00:18:25,132 --> 00:18:26,733
* picture a world *
443
00:18:26,734 --> 00:18:29,569
* where all the boys and girls
are impeccably well-dressed! *
444
00:18:29,570 --> 00:18:32,004
* that delivery guy
in a jacket and tie *
445
00:18:32,005 --> 00:18:34,173
* that puppy in a double breast! *
446
00:18:34,174 --> 00:18:36,541
* that eighties dude
with muttonchops *
447
00:18:36,542 --> 00:18:38,543
* that baby with a lollipop! *
448
00:18:38,544 --> 00:18:44,481
* that lady cop who's kinda cute *
449
00:18:44,482 --> 00:18:47,317
* nothing suits
them like a suit! *
450
00:18:47,318 --> 00:18:49,285
* suits! * * a wingman I can
wear! *
451
00:18:49,286 --> 00:18:51,254
* suits! * * they're,
oh, so debonair *
452
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:52,656
* suits! *
453
00:18:52,657 --> 00:18:55,492
* the perfect way to snare
a girl with daddy issues *
454
00:18:55,493 --> 00:18:58,195
* suits! * * in navy blue or
black! *
455
00:18:58,196 --> 00:19:00,064
* check out this perfect rack *
456
00:19:00,065 --> 00:19:03,334
* I want to give them a squeeze *
457
00:19:03,335 --> 00:19:04,402
Oh, really!
458
00:19:04,403 --> 00:19:08,540
* then answer these questions *
459
00:19:08,541 --> 00:19:11,743
* if you please *
460
00:19:13,446 --> 00:19:16,114
* what would you do
if you had to choose *
461
00:19:16,115 --> 00:19:18,683
* between your suits
and a pot of gold? *
462
00:19:18,684 --> 00:19:20,285
* suits *
463
00:19:20,286 --> 00:19:21,953
* what would you say if
you gave your suits away *
464
00:19:21,954 --> 00:19:23,187
* and in return you'd
never grow old? *
465
00:19:23,188 --> 00:19:24,389
* suits *
466
00:19:24,390 --> 00:19:25,956
* what would you pick:
One million chicks *
467
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,124
* or a single three-piece suit?
468
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:28,359
It's moot.
469
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,160
* what if world peace
were within your reach? *
470
00:19:30,161 --> 00:19:31,495
I'm gonna stop you right there.
471
00:19:31,496 --> 00:19:32,630
It's suits.
472
00:19:32,631 --> 00:19:34,665
Come on, lily,
get your head out of your ass.
473
00:19:34,666 --> 00:19:37,168
Two, three, four!
474
00:19:39,338 --> 00:19:41,774
* girls will go and
girls will come *
475
00:19:41,775 --> 00:19:43,910
* but there's only one absolute! *
476
00:19:43,911 --> 00:19:46,579
* every bro on the
go needs to know *
477
00:19:46,580 --> 00:19:49,715
* that there's no
accepted substitute! *
478
00:19:49,716 --> 00:19:52,451
* I'm sorry, suits,
let's make amends *
479
00:19:52,452 --> 00:19:55,787
* my Sunday best are
my best friends! *
480
00:19:55,788 --> 00:20:05,163
* send casual Friday
down the laundry chute *
481
00:20:05,164 --> 00:20:10,501
* 'cause nothing suits
the undisputed *
482
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:17,409
* oft-saluted suitor of repute *
483
00:20:17,410 --> 00:20:20,679
* like... *
484
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:25,316
* a... *
485
00:20:25,317 --> 00:20:27,351
Wait for it.
486
00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:32,857
* suit... *
487
00:20:32,858 --> 00:20:35,359
* nothing suits him *
488
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,796
* like... A... *
* suit... *
489
00:20:38,797 --> 00:20:40,564
* suit! Up! Suit! Up! *
490
00:20:40,565 --> 00:20:42,700
* suit up! Suit up! *
491
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:47,571
* suit...! *
492
00:20:47,572 --> 00:20:50,674
Then again, she is pretty hot.
493
00:20:50,675 --> 00:20:52,208
I choose you, baby.
494
00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:55,778
First thing tomorrow,
I'm getting rid of these suits.
495
00:20:55,779 --> 00:20:57,146
Really?
496
00:20:57,147 --> 00:20:58,381
Yeah.
497
00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,083
Mmm.
498
00:21:00,084 --> 00:21:03,286
Mmm. Mmm.
499
00:21:03,287 --> 00:21:05,355
You guys are fine.
500
00:21:05,356 --> 00:21:07,356
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