1
00:00:00,567 --> 00:00:02,866
Kids, in warm March evening in 2010
2
00:00:02,868 --> 00:00:06,001
a New York City police boat
pulled a 34-year-old white male
3
00:00:06,034 --> 00:00:08,500
out of the Hudson River:
your Uncle Barney.
4
00:00:08,534 --> 00:00:10,634
All right, kid,
let's hear the story.
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00:00:10,667 --> 00:00:11,967
From the beginning.
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00:00:12,001 --> 00:00:14,433
Well, it all started a week ago.
7
00:00:14,467 --> 00:00:17,400
I was making time
at the local watering hole.
8
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:21,767
Enter... a dame.
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00:00:28,534 --> 00:00:31,333
Nothing sexier than a man
in a fine cravat.
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00:00:31,367 --> 00:00:35,333
Except for a woman who
appreciates a fine cravat.
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00:00:37,667 --> 00:00:40,034
How about we just
call it a tie?
12
00:00:41,067 --> 00:00:42,834
(both laughing)
13
00:00:42,867 --> 00:00:44,433
(chuckling)
14
00:00:44,467 --> 00:00:46,534
You see, a cravat
is a kind of tie.
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00:00:46,567 --> 00:00:48,101
I get it.
Anyway,
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00:00:48,134 --> 00:00:49,600
next thing you know,
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00:00:49,634 --> 00:00:51,333
I get her back to my place.
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00:00:51,367 --> 00:00:53,001
Barney...
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00:00:53,034 --> 00:00:55,201
when I get in bed with a man,
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00:00:55,234 --> 00:00:58,767
my body becomes a machine
fueled by desire, lust
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00:00:58,801 --> 00:01:04,001
and a singular hunger to satisfy
my lover's every carnal need.
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00:01:04,034 --> 00:01:07,300
Good thing the cleaning
lady's coming tomorrow.
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00:01:09,567 --> 00:01:10,901
Well, good night.
24
00:01:10,934 --> 00:01:11,934
What?
25
00:01:11,967 --> 00:01:13,201
Wait, what?
26
00:01:13,234 --> 00:01:15,367
I thought your body was going
to become a machine
27
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,001
fueled by desire, lust
and a singular hunger
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00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:19,767
to satisfy my every carnal need.
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00:01:19,801 --> 00:01:21,901
No.
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00:01:23,867 --> 00:01:27,268
Transcript by Addic7ed.com
31
00:01:36,867 --> 00:01:37,932
(all laughing)
32
00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:39,783
You know, I really
think that Don and I
33
00:01:39,818 --> 00:01:41,600
are hitting our stride
as a news team.
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00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:42,868
Yeah.
DON: Well, all credit
35
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,301
goes to this lady
on my left.
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00:01:44,336 --> 00:01:45,665
Oh, come on.
That story you did
37
00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:47,400
on which rodents
to avoid on the subway...
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00:01:47,435 --> 00:01:49,367
The answer may
surprise you.
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00:01:49,402 --> 00:01:50,834
It's all of them.
40
00:01:50,869 --> 00:01:51,932
(chuckling)
41
00:01:51,967 --> 00:01:53,967
Well, I got to run,
okay? I'll see you. Okay.
42
00:01:54,002 --> 00:01:55,600
It's good to meet you.
Yeah, you, too.
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00:01:55,635 --> 00:01:57,567
Take care.
Okay. Bye, Don.
44
00:01:58,667 --> 00:02:01,199
Okay, Robin, that
guy is awesome.
45
00:02:01,234 --> 00:02:03,365
He's funny, he's
smart, he's handsome.
46
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,700
You got to scoop him up
before someone else does.
47
00:02:05,735 --> 00:02:07,899
I hope you're not talking
about you.
48
00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:10,367
It has been four months
since you broke up with Barney.
49
00:02:10,402 --> 00:02:12,600
Maybe it's time
to put yourself back out there.
50
00:02:12,635 --> 00:02:14,400
Yeah, exactly.
Barney's dating again,
51
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,184
and he couldn't be happier.
52
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,934
I couldn't be more unhappy.
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00:02:17,969 --> 00:02:19,099
All night long,
54
00:02:19,134 --> 00:02:20,298
she's hot and heavy for me.
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00:02:20,333 --> 00:02:22,667
I get her back to my place,
and she just bolts?
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00:02:22,702 --> 00:02:24,599
I mean, at least
when I run out on a girl,
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00:02:24,634 --> 00:02:27,734
I have the common courtesy
to sleep with her first.
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00:02:27,769 --> 00:02:29,067
It's... it's called manners.
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00:02:29,102 --> 00:02:30,332
Sounds like she
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00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,400
read that book,
Of Course You're Still Single-
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00:02:32,435 --> 00:02:34,433
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut.
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00:02:35,734 --> 00:02:37,632
What? It... it's this book
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00:02:37,667 --> 00:02:39,901
that helps single girls
find a husband.
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00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:42,166
It's Robin's copy.
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00:02:42,201 --> 00:02:44,034
I've just... I leafed
through it a little bit.
66
00:02:44,069 --> 00:02:46,067
Really. Were you getting
a mani-pedi?
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00:02:46,102 --> 00:02:47,134
(all talking over each other)
68
00:02:47,169 --> 00:02:48,567
Okay, okay, okay.
69
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:49,999
Fine.
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00:02:50,034 --> 00:02:52,398
Barney, when you
were with this girl,
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00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:55,901
did she subtly slip the word
"sex" into conversation?
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00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:59,066
I'm in the inter-sex-tion,
73
00:02:59,101 --> 00:03:02,534
and I only have a couple of sex
before the light changes.
74
00:03:02,569 --> 00:03:04,732
I mean, everyone's
honking at me,
75
00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:08,398
and it totally sex,
but I can't turn around
76
00:03:08,433 --> 00:03:11,934
because a jogger slipped
and fell in horse sex-crement.
77
00:03:11,969 --> 00:03:15,034
Go on. Go on.
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00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:16,665
Did she make excuses
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00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,534
to establish physical contact
with you?
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00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,083
Is this cashmere?
81
00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,665
Cashmere? (scoffs)
82
00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,999
This is hand-spun
virgin merino.
83
00:03:25,034 --> 00:03:29,967
The fibers in this suit are
less than 12 microns thick.
84
00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:32,398
12 microns.
85
00:03:32,433 --> 00:03:35,032
I love a tiny fiber.
86
00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:38,767
Well, you're in luck,
because mine's the tiniest.
87
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,867
And the more
you touch it,
88
00:03:40,902 --> 00:03:43,834
the softer it gets.
89
00:03:45,234 --> 00:03:46,967
(chuckles softly)
90
00:03:48,001 --> 00:03:50,465
She did that, too.
91
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:52,001
Now, here is the final test.
92
00:03:52,036 --> 00:03:53,233
Next time you see her,
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00:03:53,268 --> 00:03:54,901
ask her out
for the following night.
94
00:03:54,936 --> 00:03:56,432
The book says that's forbidden,
95
00:03:56,467 --> 00:04:00,134
so she'll probably give you
some lame excuse like this:
96
00:04:00,169 --> 00:04:02,298
"Ooh, I can't do anything
tomorrow night."
97
00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:04,567
BOTH: I've already made plans
to clean my garbage disposal
98
00:04:04,602 --> 00:04:06,234
and treat myself
to a bubble bath.
99
00:04:06,269 --> 00:04:07,867
But how about next week
sometime?
100
00:04:07,902 --> 00:04:09,233
BARNEY:
Aha!
101
00:04:09,268 --> 00:04:11,517
You're trying that
Of Course You're Still Single-
102
00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:13,926
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut crap on me.
103
00:04:13,961 --> 00:04:16,265
It's not crap. Of Course
You're Still Single-
104
00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:18,901
Take a Look at Yourself,You
Dumb Slut is a brilliant book.
105
00:04:18,936 --> 00:04:19,866
And...
106
00:04:19,901 --> 00:04:20,966
it scares away guys
107
00:04:21,001 --> 00:04:22,600
who are only interested
in getting laid.
108
00:04:22,635 --> 00:04:25,565
Why not just say
you have a kid?
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00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,801
You'd be surprised how many
jerks there are out there.
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00:04:27,836 --> 00:04:28,799
That's why the book says
111
00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,734
never sleep with a guy
on the first date.
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00:04:30,769 --> 00:04:32,168
Totally.
Or the second date.
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00:04:32,203 --> 00:04:33,502
Of course.
Or the third date.
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00:04:33,537 --> 00:04:34,766
Well...
Or the fourth date.
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00:04:34,801 --> 00:04:36,734
Well, just tell me
how many dates!
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00:04:36,769 --> 00:04:38,551
Seventeen.
117
00:04:38,586 --> 00:04:40,333
S... S...
118
00:04:41,101 --> 00:04:43,367
Excuse me,
is anyone using this?
119
00:04:46,834 --> 00:04:51,101
Yep, here it is:
no sex until after 17 dates.
120
00:04:51,136 --> 00:04:52,133
LILY:
Barney, if you're not
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00:04:52,168 --> 00:04:53,967
going to take her
out on 17 dates,
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00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:55,767
I think you should
just give it up.
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00:04:55,802 --> 00:04:57,032
Oh, no.
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00:04:57,067 --> 00:04:59,201
I'm not the one
who's going to give it up.
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00:04:59,236 --> 00:05:00,432
She is.
126
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,167
Because, thanks
to Ted's book...
127
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:03,832
That's Robin's. It's Robin's.
128
00:05:03,867 --> 00:05:06,333
...I can stay two steps ahead
of her at all times.
129
00:05:06,368 --> 00:05:07,734
There's a loophole
in here somewhere,
130
00:05:07,769 --> 00:05:09,067
and I'm going to find it.
131
00:05:09,102 --> 00:05:10,934
(phone rings)
132
00:05:10,969 --> 00:05:11,999
Hello.
133
00:05:12,034 --> 00:05:13,700
Hey, Robin.
Oh, hey, Don.
134
00:05:13,735 --> 00:05:15,799
Listen, uh...
135
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:17,834
do you want to go out
Saturday night?
136
00:05:17,869 --> 00:05:18,966
Saturday night...
137
00:05:19,001 --> 00:05:20,367
(hushed):
Is he asking you out?
138
00:05:20,402 --> 00:05:21,665
Say yes! Say yes!
139
00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:24,300
Look, Don, um...
listen, it...
140
00:05:24,335 --> 00:05:26,901
it's really sweet
of you to ask,
141
00:05:26,936 --> 00:05:29,066
and you're a great guy...
142
00:05:29,101 --> 00:05:30,567
(falsetto):
Yes, I will go out with you.
143
00:05:30,602 --> 00:05:32,199
Robin, are you okay?
144
00:05:32,234 --> 00:05:34,899
Um, I just had
a little cold.
145
00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:36,333
That's probably
what you're hearing.
146
00:05:36,368 --> 00:05:38,217
But Saturday night sounds great.
147
00:05:38,252 --> 00:05:40,032
We can even go
to a steak house,
148
00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:41,867
and you can bring home
some prime rib
149
00:05:41,902 --> 00:05:43,166
for my friend, Marshall.
150
00:05:43,201 --> 00:05:45,384
Okay, gotta go. Love you. Bye.
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00:05:45,419 --> 00:05:47,493
What the hell
are you thinking?
152
00:05:47,528 --> 00:05:49,567
Robin, you've got to do this,
okay?
153
00:05:49,602 --> 00:05:51,634
A great guy like Don is rare.
154
00:05:51,669 --> 00:05:53,732
And speaking of rare,
155
00:05:53,767 --> 00:05:55,734
prime rib- don't forget.
Thank you.
156
00:05:57,901 --> 00:05:59,565
Oh, my God.
157
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,817
I don't believe it.
158
00:06:01,852 --> 00:06:04,034
Guys... this is her!
159
00:06:04,634 --> 00:06:06,634
She wrote the book.
160
00:06:07,268 --> 00:06:09,300
Huh. Her name must be Anita.
161
00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:10,665
Okay.
162
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:14,433
My plan was to sleep with her,
but this changes everything.
163
00:06:14,468 --> 00:06:16,432
New plan:
164
00:06:16,467 --> 00:06:19,667
I'm going to sleep with her.
165
00:06:21,134 --> 00:06:23,584
Boy, this girl
that Barney's going after,
166
00:06:23,619 --> 00:06:26,034
she kind of sounds like
the anti-Barney.
167
00:06:26,069 --> 00:06:27,632
Mmm. I love how the universe
168
00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:30,532
decided to bring
those two together.
169
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:33,486
Actually, Anita's going after
Barney because I told her to.
170
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,000
Wait, you sicced Anita
on Barney?
171
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:43,401
How do you
even know her?
172
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:44,965
She was on my show.
173
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,000
But, um, if you had
to summarize your book
174
00:06:48,035 --> 00:06:49,898
in 30 words or less...
175
00:06:49,933 --> 00:06:52,134
I'll summarize it
in one word, Robin.
176
00:06:52,169 --> 00:06:53,401
And that word
177
00:06:53,436 --> 00:06:54,701
is "no."
178
00:06:54,736 --> 00:06:55,932
By saying no
179
00:06:55,967 --> 00:06:59,067
constantly and consistently,
you empower yourself
180
00:06:59,102 --> 00:07:01,798
while simultaneously
turning any jerk
181
00:07:01,833 --> 00:07:04,800
into a submissive,
sniveling, puddle of a man.
182
00:07:04,835 --> 00:07:07,034
Hmm. And isn't that
every girl's dream?
183
00:07:07,069 --> 00:07:08,332
(chuckling)
184
00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:10,534
After the break, we're going
to talk about your new book,
185
00:07:10,569 --> 00:07:12,633
Of Course You Don't Have
a Retirement Plan Yet-
186
00:07:12,668 --> 00:07:15,833
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut, due out in June.
187
00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:17,734
We'll be right back.
188
00:07:17,769 --> 00:07:18,898
We're clear.
189
00:07:18,933 --> 00:07:20,332
You guys want
any coffee?
190
00:07:20,367 --> 00:07:22,100
Oh, you know what,
Mike, that'd be great.
191
00:07:22,135 --> 00:07:24,833
You?
No.
192
00:07:27,334 --> 00:07:29,234
What about you, Robin?
You dating anyone?
193
00:07:29,269 --> 00:07:30,299
Oh. (chuckles)
194
00:07:30,334 --> 00:07:33,000
Dating's not really my bag
right now.
195
00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:34,299
Uh-oh.
196
00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:36,032
Did somebody break your heart?
197
00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:37,534
And then,
I- I told her everything.
198
00:07:37,569 --> 00:07:38,499
It just came pouring out.
199
00:07:38,534 --> 00:07:40,132
And by the end of it,
she said...
200
00:07:40,167 --> 00:07:42,884
This Barney needs
to be taught a lesson.
201
00:07:42,919 --> 00:07:45,601
You say the word,
and I will destroy him.
202
00:07:45,636 --> 00:07:46,765
What do you mean?
203
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,067
I can use the power
of "no"
204
00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:51,334
to break your friend, Barney.
205
00:07:51,369 --> 00:07:52,932
Just say the word.
206
00:07:52,967 --> 00:07:54,668
Come on, that-that stuff
doesn't really work,
207
00:07:54,703 --> 00:07:55,566
does it?
208
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:57,065
I didn't know
what you wanted,
209
00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:59,967
so I got you a cappuccino,
an espresso, a latte, a decaf...
210
00:08:00,002 --> 00:08:01,165
Oh, hi, Robin.
211
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,100
And this
is a Turkish coffee.
212
00:08:03,135 --> 00:08:04,718
Thank you, Mike.
213
00:08:04,753 --> 00:08:06,266
Think about it.
214
00:08:06,301 --> 00:08:08,367
ROBIN: I didn't think I
was going to think about it,
215
00:08:08,402 --> 00:08:09,765
but then... I thought about it.
216
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:14,900
Oh, this Pilates instructor
was off the charts.
217
00:08:14,935 --> 00:08:18,933
Picture Robin,
but younger.
218
00:08:18,968 --> 00:08:20,765
And bigger boobs.
219
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:24,501
Maybe not bigger,
but more shapely.
220
00:08:24,536 --> 00:08:26,666
And bigger.
221
00:08:26,701 --> 00:08:28,999
(phone rings)
Hello?
222
00:08:29,034 --> 00:08:30,434
BARNEY: I get her up
against the StairMaster,
223
00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:31,534
and we...
Do it.
224
00:08:31,569 --> 00:08:32,798
Spoilers.
225
00:08:32,833 --> 00:08:34,601
Anyway, we do it.
226
00:08:34,636 --> 00:08:35,734
It's done.
227
00:08:40,668 --> 00:08:41,967
Thank you, Mike.
228
00:08:43,634 --> 00:08:45,532
I know, it was stupid,
229
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:46,666
but you have
to understand,
230
00:08:46,701 --> 00:08:48,501
back then,
I was still really upset
231
00:08:48,536 --> 00:08:49,633
about the breakup.
232
00:08:49,668 --> 00:08:51,467
I was going
though my mourning period.
233
00:08:51,502 --> 00:08:53,434
There was a lot of scotch
and a lot
234
00:08:53,469 --> 00:08:55,385
of long nights
at the shooting range.
235
00:08:55,420 --> 00:08:57,301
I hope those weren't
the same nights.
236
00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:58,499
ROBIN:
Geez, Lily.
237
00:08:58,534 --> 00:09:01,334
It's not like I remember
all of them.
238
00:09:01,369 --> 00:09:02,532
Hey, babe.
239
00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:03,599
Did you know that Robin
240
00:09:03,634 --> 00:09:05,232
was going through
a mourning period?
241
00:09:05,267 --> 00:09:07,000
I mean, she seemed fine
after the breakup.
242
00:09:07,035 --> 00:09:08,332
Oh, you know how she is.
243
00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:10,467
She tries to keep her emotions
to herself.
244
00:09:10,502 --> 00:09:12,567
But yeah, I caught her crying
a couple times.
245
00:09:12,602 --> 00:09:14,232
She cried?
246
00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:16,267
Like, real tears?
247
00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:19,867
But that means...
248
00:09:19,902 --> 00:09:21,332
Oh, no.
249
00:09:21,367 --> 00:09:23,167
NARRATOR:
And then, Marshall realized
250
00:09:23,202 --> 00:09:24,967
what a jackass he had been
to Robin.
251
00:09:25,002 --> 00:09:26,518
Exactly. Barney's
dating again,
252
00:09:26,553 --> 00:09:28,034
and he couldn't
be happier.
253
00:09:28,069 --> 00:09:29,299
I mean,
254
00:09:29,334 --> 00:09:33,034
that guy has been active.
255
00:09:33,069 --> 00:09:34,499
Sexually.
256
00:09:34,534 --> 00:09:36,000
I mean, he's just
been, like,
257
00:09:36,035 --> 00:09:39,434
bang, bang, bang!
258
00:09:39,469 --> 00:09:40,865
You know?
259
00:09:40,900 --> 00:09:42,733
(chuckling):
It's like...
260
00:09:42,768 --> 00:09:44,567
bang, bang, bang, bang,
261
00:09:44,602 --> 00:09:45,532
bang, bang!
262
00:09:45,567 --> 00:09:47,717
Bang, bang, bang,
bangity bang
263
00:09:47,752 --> 00:09:49,867
I said a-bang, bang,
bangity bang
264
00:09:49,902 --> 00:09:51,099
Bang, bang, bang
265
00:09:51,134 --> 00:09:52,532
Bang, bang,
bangity bang
266
00:09:52,567 --> 00:09:54,534
I said a-bang, bang,
bangity bang.
267
00:09:54,569 --> 00:09:56,566
How could you
let me do that?
268
00:09:56,601 --> 00:09:58,768
You're my wife,
you're supposed to stop me
269
00:09:58,803 --> 00:10:01,085
from embarrassing myself
in public.
270
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,367
I know, but that song's
kind of catchy.
271
00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:05,284
Bang, bang, bangity bang
272
00:10:05,319 --> 00:10:07,132
Bang, bang,
bangity bang
273
00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:09,100
I said bang, bang,
bangity bang
274
00:10:09,135 --> 00:10:10,634
A-bang, bang, bangity bang.
275
00:10:10,669 --> 00:10:12,532
Damn it.
276
00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:14,034
I've read that thing
cover to cover,
277
00:10:14,069 --> 00:10:15,434
and I can't find a loophole.
278
00:10:15,469 --> 00:10:17,165
What am I going to do?
279
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,634
Well, there is one
other option, but, uh,
280
00:10:19,669 --> 00:10:22,332
nah, you're not ready.
Tell me.
281
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:25,401
Well, if you have to seal
the deal in just one date,
282
00:10:25,436 --> 00:10:27,634
it's got to be one doozy
of a date, right?
283
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,833
Yeah. I'm not talking
dinner and a movie.
284
00:10:29,868 --> 00:10:31,334
I'm not talking mini-golf.
285
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:32,733
I'm talking...
286
00:10:32,768 --> 00:10:34,733
17 dates worth of romance
287
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:37,601
wrapped up into one
incredible night.
288
00:10:37,636 --> 00:10:39,701
I'm talking about...
289
00:10:39,736 --> 00:10:41,202
a superdate.
290
00:10:41,237 --> 00:10:42,668
A superdate?
291
00:10:42,703 --> 00:10:43,865
Mm-hmm.
292
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:45,932
That sounds kind of lame.
293
00:10:45,967 --> 00:10:47,566
What if we call it a megadate?
294
00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:49,501
If you want my help,
it's a superdate.
295
00:10:49,536 --> 00:10:51,152
All right.
Leave it to me.
296
00:10:51,187 --> 00:10:52,733
I'll plan the
whole thing.
297
00:10:52,768 --> 00:10:55,117
You're going to plan
the whole thing? Mm-hmm.
298
00:10:55,152 --> 00:10:57,467
I bet it'll be all gooey
and romantic, huh?
299
00:10:57,502 --> 00:10:59,251
Gooey and
romantic?
300
00:10:59,286 --> 00:11:01,000
Gooey and romantic?
301
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:02,299
Barney...
302
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:05,234
You don't have
to take her
303
00:11:05,269 --> 00:11:08,065
To Paris or Peru
304
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:11,099
Uh, Ted,
what are you doing?
305
00:11:11,134 --> 00:11:15,267
You just have to
make her understand
306
00:11:15,302 --> 00:11:17,200
Ted, people are
looking at us.
307
00:11:17,235 --> 00:11:21,167
What she means to you
308
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:22,299
Oh, God, really?
309
00:11:22,334 --> 00:11:24,100
You're really going
to do this right now?
310
00:11:24,135 --> 00:11:28,499
On your superdate
311
00:11:28,534 --> 00:11:34,534
Troubles of the world
will simply have to wait
312
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:38,301
For wonders
and amazement
313
00:11:38,336 --> 00:11:42,018
Served upon a
silver plate
314
00:11:42,053 --> 00:11:45,666
Hurry up now,
don't be late
315
00:11:45,701 --> 00:11:50,000
'Cause hand in hand
you'll find a land
316
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:56,867
Where paradise awaits
317
00:11:56,902 --> 00:11:58,884
(applause)
318
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,832
And then boom!
319
00:12:00,867 --> 00:12:03,701
Fireworks over the
Manhattan skyline!
320
00:12:03,736 --> 00:12:05,832
You kiss her.
321
00:12:05,867 --> 00:12:13,301
And that's your
superdate.
322
00:12:19,601 --> 00:12:23,467
That sounds gooey
and romantic.
323
00:12:23,502 --> 00:12:25,634
Yeah.
324
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:30,266
Strip club?
Strip club.
325
00:12:30,301 --> 00:12:33,467
NARRATOR: Finally, the night
of the big dates arrived.
326
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:35,351
So, tonight's
the big night.
327
00:12:35,386 --> 00:12:37,165
Where's the D-bag taking you?
328
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,434
That's not a good nickname
for Don.
329
00:12:38,469 --> 00:12:39,432
I'll think of a better one.
330
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:42,034
You know, that, I just...
I canceled.
331
00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:45,301
What do you mean you... Wait.
332
00:12:45,336 --> 00:12:46,568
Hey.
Hey.
333
00:12:46,603 --> 00:12:47,765
What's wrong?
334
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:48,798
Robin canceled her date.
335
00:12:48,833 --> 00:12:50,734
What? She was totally
psyched for it
336
00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:52,834
like an hour ago.
337
00:12:52,869 --> 00:12:54,865
Robin Scherbatsky.
338
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,400
You look like
the classiest,
339
00:12:57,435 --> 00:12:59,900
most expensive prostitute ever.
340
00:12:59,935 --> 00:13:01,299
Oh, thank you.
341
00:13:01,334 --> 00:13:04,501
I take it you're excited
to go out with Don?
342
00:13:04,536 --> 00:13:06,000
You know what? I kinda am.
343
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:07,367
Don't tell Marshall.
344
00:13:07,402 --> 00:13:08,266
I won't.
345
00:13:08,301 --> 00:13:09,634
I bet you'll have
a nice time tonight.
346
00:13:09,669 --> 00:13:10,733
Yeah.
347
00:13:10,768 --> 00:13:11,965
Not, however, a super time.
348
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,567
A super time will be had
by Barney
349
00:13:14,602 --> 00:13:15,933
on his date with Anita.
350
00:13:15,968 --> 00:13:17,065
Yep.
351
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:20,334
Carriage ride, dinner at
Le Tombeur des Culottes.
352
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:24,267
They're calling it
a superdate, so.
353
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,065
Ted!
354
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:27,733
How could you do that?!
355
00:13:27,768 --> 00:13:30,201
Robin just got over
her mourning period!
356
00:13:30,236 --> 00:13:32,634
She seemed so happy
after the breakup.
357
00:13:32,669 --> 00:13:33,832
Oh, Ted.
358
00:13:33,867 --> 00:13:35,167
So unobservant.
359
00:13:35,202 --> 00:13:36,432
Such a guy.
360
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,817
She was obviously crushed.
361
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,167
Wait, but that would mean...
362
00:13:41,202 --> 00:13:42,898
Oh, no.
363
00:13:42,933 --> 00:13:46,034
NARRATOR: And then I realized
what a jackass I'd been to Robin.
364
00:13:46,069 --> 00:13:47,800
I said a-bang, bang,
bangity bang
365
00:13:47,835 --> 00:13:48,965
Hey, whatcha singing?
366
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,266
Oh, just a little
ditty I wrote
367
00:13:50,301 --> 00:13:51,800
about how many girls
Barney's been banging lately.
368
00:13:51,835 --> 00:13:53,668
Well, count me in
for a verse. Great.
369
00:13:53,703 --> 00:13:55,832
Bang, bang, bangity bang
370
00:13:55,867 --> 00:13:57,668
I said a-bang, bang,
bangity bang
371
00:13:57,703 --> 00:13:58,599
Bang, bang, bang
372
00:13:58,634 --> 00:14:00,050
Bang, bang, bangity bang
373
00:14:00,085 --> 00:14:01,467
I said a-bang, bang...
374
00:14:01,502 --> 00:14:02,666
No!
375
00:14:02,701 --> 00:14:04,366
Oh, God. Where is she?
376
00:14:04,401 --> 00:14:06,334
I think she's in
the restroom.
377
00:14:06,369 --> 00:14:07,765
(crying)
378
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,867
(all aahing)
No, guys, guys,
379
00:14:09,902 --> 00:14:11,366
I'm fine, I'm fine.
380
00:14:11,401 --> 00:14:13,668
(knocking on door)
(whistling)
381
00:14:14,867 --> 00:14:16,067
Hey.
382
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:20,432
Dude.
383
00:14:20,467 --> 00:14:22,550
Why would you do that?
384
00:14:22,585 --> 00:14:24,634
Because I'm angry at you.
385
00:14:24,669 --> 00:14:26,151
I'm angry at me.
386
00:14:26,186 --> 00:14:27,599
I'm angry at Ted.
387
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,867
And frankly,
I'm still angry at the Empire.
388
00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:31,965
Why are you angry at me?
389
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,217
Dude, you've been a real
jerk in front of Robin
390
00:14:34,252 --> 00:14:36,434
while she's been going
through her mourning period.
391
00:14:36,469 --> 00:14:37,666
Mourning period?
392
00:14:37,701 --> 00:14:39,534
She hasn't been going through
any mourning period.
393
00:14:39,569 --> 00:14:41,368
(sighs)
So unobservant.
394
00:14:41,403 --> 00:14:43,132
Such a guy.
Ugh, Barney,
395
00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:45,483
sit down,
you need to hear some stuff.
396
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:47,800
What-what, is she
upset or something?
397
00:14:47,835 --> 00:14:49,165
Of course she's upset.
398
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,266
Take a look at yourself,
you dumb slut.
399
00:14:51,301 --> 00:14:55,367
NARRATOR: And then Aunt Lily told
Barney every excruciating detail
400
00:14:55,402 --> 00:14:57,768
of what he hadn't been seeing
since the breakup.
401
00:14:57,803 --> 00:14:59,818
You should've
seen this girl.
402
00:14:59,853 --> 00:15:01,833
Bang, ping,
pa-dow, ga-donk.
403
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:02,734
Okay, I'm leaving.
404
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:05,165
So...
405
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,401
we get up
to my place...
406
00:15:09,234 --> 00:15:11,401
(crying)
407
00:15:12,301 --> 00:15:14,034
(people cheering on TV)
408
00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:21,267
(sniffling)
409
00:15:22,833 --> 00:15:24,833
Bang, bangity bang,
bang, bang, bang
410
00:15:24,868 --> 00:15:26,266
Bang, bang, bangity bang
411
00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:28,000
I said a-bang, bang,
bangity bang
412
00:15:28,035 --> 00:15:29,900
Bang, bang, bang...
413
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:37,800
(vomiting)
414
00:15:40,301 --> 00:15:42,167
I can't believe
Robin's been so upset.
415
00:15:42,467 --> 00:15:45,467
I can't believe you threw up
in your Stormtrooper helmet.
416
00:15:45,502 --> 00:15:47,198
Eh. I did something worse in it
417
00:15:47,233 --> 00:15:49,267
after The Phantom Menace
premiere.
418
00:15:50,334 --> 00:15:54,267
So, she's been this way
ever since we broke up?
419
00:15:54,302 --> 00:15:55,666
Actually, she was
doing much better
420
00:15:55,701 --> 00:15:58,867
until you decided to go on this
stupid superdate with Anita.
421
00:15:58,902 --> 00:16:00,098
And now she's
422
00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:02,667
off sulking God
knows where.
423
00:16:02,702 --> 00:16:04,867
I know where.
424
00:16:07,001 --> 00:16:09,167
(sighs)
425
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:13,599
Hey.
Hey.
426
00:16:13,634 --> 00:16:15,566
Barney, what's up?
(sniffling)
427
00:16:15,601 --> 00:16:18,968
Thought you were, um,
going on some big date.
428
00:16:19,003 --> 00:16:20,867
Robin, I know you're upset.
429
00:16:20,902 --> 00:16:22,699
What? No.
430
00:16:22,734 --> 00:16:24,968
I- I-I have...
I've never been happier.
431
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:27,667
And-and this Anita
sounds lovely.
432
00:16:27,702 --> 00:16:29,967
I am so glad
that you two just...
433
00:16:30,002 --> 00:16:32,233
randomly happened
to find each other.
434
00:16:32,268 --> 00:16:34,467
It just warms my frickin' heart.
435
00:16:34,502 --> 00:16:36,500
(heavy breathing)
436
00:16:36,535 --> 00:16:37,933
Ah.
437
00:16:37,968 --> 00:16:39,717
(gun clicks)
438
00:16:39,752 --> 00:16:41,609
(grunts)
439
00:16:41,644 --> 00:16:43,432
(sighs)
440
00:16:43,467 --> 00:16:45,217
So, you sure
you're not upset?
441
00:16:45,252 --> 00:16:46,968
Of course I'm upset, Barney.
442
00:16:47,003 --> 00:16:48,065
Don't you see
443
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:50,399
how constantly talking
about your conquests
444
00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:53,034
makes me feel like I'm just
another number to you?
445
00:16:53,069 --> 00:16:55,068
But you're not just
another number to me.
446
00:16:55,103 --> 00:16:57,535
You know, and-and now
you're taking Anita,
447
00:16:57,570 --> 00:16:59,968
who you barely know,
on this amazing date,
448
00:17:00,003 --> 00:17:02,601
when I never got treated
that way.
449
00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:04,966
It just...
450
00:17:05,001 --> 00:17:06,200
it just sucks, that's all.
451
00:17:06,235 --> 00:17:07,734
It just sucks.
452
00:17:07,769 --> 00:17:09,901
(sighs)
453
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,132
Wow.
454
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:18,017
I knew I was bad
at being a boyfriend,
455
00:17:18,052 --> 00:17:19,867
but I had no idea
I'd be so much worse
456
00:17:19,902 --> 00:17:22,068
at being an ex-boyfriend.
457
00:17:24,801 --> 00:17:26,732
I'm sorry.
458
00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:29,567
What can I do to make it up
to you?
459
00:17:29,602 --> 00:17:31,432
Nothing, Barney.
460
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:34,400
You've-you've already proven
that I'm not important to you.
461
00:17:34,435 --> 00:17:36,068
Stop that, I'm serious.
462
00:17:36,103 --> 00:17:37,701
Ask me for anything.
463
00:17:37,736 --> 00:17:39,198
Uh, okay.
464
00:17:39,233 --> 00:17:41,400
Um... don't sleep with Anita.
465
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,384
Done.
466
00:17:42,419 --> 00:17:43,299
Barney,
467
00:17:43,334 --> 00:17:44,632
of course you're going to sleep
with her.
468
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:47,534
Why else would you be taking her
on this superdate?
469
00:17:47,569 --> 00:17:50,267
She's not going
on the superdate, Robin.
470
00:17:50,302 --> 00:17:52,434
You are.
471
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,832
NARRATOR:
Your Uncle Barney
472
00:17:54,867 --> 00:17:58,867
finally gave Aunt Robin the
superdate she truly deserved.
473
00:17:58,902 --> 00:18:02,034
With a guy she truly deserved.
474
00:18:03,034 --> 00:18:05,601
Of course, there was still
one loose end.
475
00:18:05,636 --> 00:18:06,884
ANITA:
Barney.
476
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,098
Oh, hey, Anita.
477
00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:09,666
I- I totally meant
to call you.
478
00:18:09,701 --> 00:18:12,367
Well, I'm-I'm breaking
all my rules coming down here,
479
00:18:12,402 --> 00:18:14,767
but nobody stands me up
like that.
480
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,801
So, are we going out or what?
481
00:18:16,836 --> 00:18:18,599
I'm sorry.
482
00:18:18,634 --> 00:18:21,133
I... I made a promise
to a friend.
483
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,334
I have to say no.
484
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:27,165
Oh. Oh, I see.
485
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,500
You're trying the "no" thing
on me.
486
00:18:31,334 --> 00:18:32,667
You really think
that's going to work?
487
00:18:33,434 --> 00:18:34,634
'Cause it won't.
488
00:18:35,467 --> 00:18:36,550
Okay, how about this.
489
00:18:36,585 --> 00:18:37,634
I'll cut you a deal.
490
00:18:37,669 --> 00:18:39,566
Maybe...
491
00:18:39,601 --> 00:18:41,950
you might get lucky
492
00:18:41,985 --> 00:18:44,300
after the 12th date.
493
00:18:44,335 --> 00:18:45,365
No.
494
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,483
The 11th date.
No.
495
00:18:46,518 --> 00:18:47,559
Fifth date.
No.
496
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:48,566
Tonight.
No.
497
00:18:48,601 --> 00:18:50,400
Tonight before dinner.
(strained): No.
498
00:18:50,435 --> 00:18:51,867
How about you?
You interested.
499
00:18:51,902 --> 00:18:53,832
Yeah.
500
00:18:53,867 --> 00:18:55,450
Come on, Barney.
501
00:18:55,485 --> 00:18:57,059
I'm sorry, Anita.
502
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:58,634
The answer is no.
503
00:18:58,669 --> 00:19:00,599
Well, good.
504
00:19:00,634 --> 00:19:03,133
Because my answer is no, too.
505
00:19:05,467 --> 00:19:07,133
Okay, here's my final offer.
506
00:19:22,988 --> 00:19:24,167
Barney!
507
00:19:37,734 --> 00:19:39,632
And that's my story.
508
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:42,767
Well, here's a $500 ticket
for jumping in the river.
509
00:19:42,802 --> 00:19:44,334
I hope it was worth it.
510
00:19:49,267 --> 00:19:51,834
(fireworks popping)
511
00:20:00,589 --> 00:20:02,523
I hope so, too.
512
00:20:22,334 --> 00:20:23,500
It's an old
wives' tale.
513
00:20:23,535 --> 00:20:24,634
Oh, hey, Robin.
514
00:20:24,669 --> 00:20:25,599
Hey.
515
00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:26,667
How did the big date go?
516
00:20:26,702 --> 00:20:29,033
Uh, pretty well.
517
00:20:29,068 --> 00:20:31,117
Pretty, uh, pretty well.
518
00:20:31,152 --> 00:20:33,142
Like how "pretty well"?
519
00:20:33,177 --> 00:20:35,133
Oh, guys, guys, come on.
520
00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:37,098
It was fine.
521
00:20:37,133 --> 00:20:39,133
You know, it was nice.
522
00:20:39,168 --> 00:20:41,118
We had a good time.
523
00:20:41,153 --> 00:20:43,033
Let's just, uh...
524
00:20:43,068 --> 00:20:45,001
let's just leave it
at that, okay.
525
00:20:46,834 --> 00:20:47,899
Although, um,
526
00:20:47,934 --> 00:20:50,334
one interesting thing,
uh, did happen.
527
00:20:50,369 --> 00:20:52,351
I said a-bang, bang,
bangity bang
528
00:20:52,386 --> 00:20:54,299
I said a-bang,
bang, bangity bang
529
00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:56,867
A-bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bangity bang
530
00:20:56,902 --> 00:20:59,265
I said a-bang, bang,
bangity bang
531
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,267
Bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang, bang
532
00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:03,367
Bang, bang, bangity bang...