1
00:00:01,436 --> 00:00:03,888
I can't believe
I'm talking to a therapist.
2
00:00:05,249 --> 00:00:08,251
Well, usually, I'm not
the touchy-feely,
3
00:00:08,252 --> 00:00:10,270
talk-about-your-emotions type,
4
00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:14,190
but with this, I just had
to be a big enough person
5
00:00:14,191 --> 00:00:17,277
to admit that I need help.
6
00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:20,780
Huh. I guess this is what
growing up feels like.
7
00:00:20,781 --> 00:00:23,633
This is court-mandated therapy.
8
00:00:24,268 --> 00:00:25,668
You assaulted a woman.
9
00:00:25,669 --> 00:00:27,403
Oh... (laughs)
10
00:00:27,404 --> 00:00:29,088
That silly thing.
11
00:00:29,957 --> 00:00:31,874
I guess we can talk about that.
12
00:00:31,875 --> 00:00:33,543
It all began a few months ago.
13
00:00:33,544 --> 00:00:37,714
There's this guy, Barney.
We used to date.
14
00:00:37,715 --> 00:00:40,600
I set him up with this girl
I work with, Nora.
15
00:00:40,601 --> 00:00:42,936
Barney was working hard
16
00:00:42,937 --> 00:00:45,605
to prove he was
real boyfriend material.
17
00:00:45,606 --> 00:00:49,609
So, all week, I had to sit there
watching him...
18
00:00:49,610 --> 00:00:51,861
send flowers...
19
00:00:54,982 --> 00:00:56,649
chocolates...
20
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,654
balloons.
21
00:01:05,793 --> 00:01:07,660
Then one day...
22
00:01:08,362 --> 00:01:10,296
Hey...
23
00:01:10,297 --> 00:01:13,583
I heard Barney didn't send
anything today.
24
00:01:13,584 --> 00:01:16,502
(quietly): Patrice said
maybe he met somebody else.
25
00:01:16,503 --> 00:01:19,639
She's such
a bitch, right?
26
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:24,594
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
27
00:01:24,595 --> 00:01:29,148
♪ Can't keep his mind
on nothin' else ♪
28
00:01:29,149 --> 00:01:30,149
He's so dreamy.
29
00:01:30,150 --> 00:01:32,602
Nobody asked you, Patrice!
30
00:01:32,603 --> 00:01:35,304
I'm sorry.
You must already think
31
00:01:35,305 --> 00:01:36,572
that I'm a horrible person.
32
00:01:36,573 --> 00:01:39,242
Robin, many of my patients
are disturbed felons.
33
00:01:39,243 --> 00:01:42,278
Last week, one of them mailed me
a bag of his feces.
34
00:01:42,279 --> 00:01:44,113
On the plus side,
he remembered my birthday.
35
00:01:44,114 --> 00:01:45,832
(chuckles)
You're doing fine.
36
00:01:45,833 --> 00:01:49,168
Well, finally, I-I just
couldn't take it anymore.
37
00:01:49,169 --> 00:01:50,253
I snapped.
38
00:01:50,254 --> 00:01:55,425
♪ When a man, when a man,
when this man ♪
39
00:01:55,426 --> 00:01:58,878
♪ Loves a woman! ♪
40
00:01:58,879 --> 00:02:00,046
(gasps)
41
00:02:01,799 --> 00:02:04,050
LADIES (swooning):
Aw...!
42
00:02:05,486 --> 00:02:07,136
And that's when
the assault occurred?
43
00:02:07,137 --> 00:02:08,855
Not exactly.
44
00:02:08,856 --> 00:02:11,557
(sobbing)
45
00:02:11,848 --> 00:02:15,848
♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x04 ♪
The Stinson Missile Crisis
Original Air Date on October 3, 2011
46
00:02:15,849 --> 00:02:19,849
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
47
00:02:24,961 --> 00:02:26,044
So, you're drunk
48
00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:28,863
under a desk, binge-eating
stolen chocolates.
49
00:02:28,864 --> 00:02:31,216
Boy, I am not coming
across great here, am I?
50
00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:33,468
This is not about how
you're coming across.
51
00:02:33,469 --> 00:02:34,536
But no.
52
00:02:34,537 --> 00:02:36,755
Okay, well, for this story
to make sense,
53
00:02:36,756 --> 00:02:39,341
I have to tell you about
my friends Marshall and Lily.
54
00:02:39,342 --> 00:02:41,593
The wine looks good.
55
00:02:42,595 --> 00:02:44,896
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
56
00:02:44,897 --> 00:02:46,732
pregnant women
can't drink alcohol.
57
00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:47,933
No, my doctor says it's okay
58
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:50,318
to have a sip of wine
every now and then.
59
00:02:50,319 --> 00:02:51,153
Really?
60
00:02:51,154 --> 00:02:52,604
Dr. Sonya's great.
61
00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:55,357
Whenever you ask her if you can
have something, she's, like...
62
00:02:55,358 --> 00:02:58,393
(with Russian accent):
Just a little bit.
63
00:02:58,394 --> 00:03:00,946
Wait, Dr. Sonya doesn't let
you have sushi, does she?
64
00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:03,231
Just a little bit.
65
00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:05,283
You're allowed
to have Cheetos?
66
00:03:05,284 --> 00:03:07,452
Cheetos...
67
00:03:07,453 --> 00:03:09,671
Ah, just a little bit.
68
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,090
You mind if I double-check
69
00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:13,542
some of this stuff
just in case?
70
00:03:13,543 --> 00:03:15,460
I mean, it's the least
I could do
71
00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:17,295
as part of Team Baby.
72
00:03:17,296 --> 00:03:19,297
"Team Baby"?
Whoa. What's next,
73
00:03:19,298 --> 00:03:21,433
like, cheesy
matching T-shirts?
74
00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:22,551
(chuckles)
75
00:03:22,552 --> 00:03:26,921
(scoffs) No.
76
00:03:26,922 --> 00:03:28,557
Robin, I've had serial killers
lead me
77
00:03:28,558 --> 00:03:31,092
to shallow graves faster
than you're telling this story.
78
00:03:31,093 --> 00:03:34,646
Okay! Look, it was getting
impossible for me
79
00:03:34,647 --> 00:03:37,482
to be around Nora,
so when an opportunity
80
00:03:37,483 --> 00:03:39,201
to get rid of her
presented itself...
81
00:03:39,202 --> 00:03:41,102
It's Sandy time!
82
00:03:41,103 --> 00:03:42,487
Huddle up, gang.
83
00:03:42,488 --> 00:03:45,106
Two things: 1) Somebody stole
84
00:03:45,107 --> 00:03:47,108
a very expensive bottle of wine
from my office...
85
00:03:47,109 --> 00:03:49,044
(clears throat)
86
00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:54,449
2) I need a producer to cover
the G8 Summit in France.
87
00:03:54,450 --> 00:03:55,467
Nora will do it!
88
00:03:55,468 --> 00:03:58,303
I mean, I know I have
seniority, but...
89
00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,138
I was gonna ask Nora anyway.
90
00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:03,725
Thanks for the support, Robin.
This is huge for me.
91
00:04:05,144 --> 00:04:07,579
(clears throat) Are, are you
sure about this, Sandy?
92
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,181
I do have seniority.
93
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:12,234
Oh, I'm sure. Nora's amazing.
94
00:04:12,235 --> 00:04:14,736
I want to have sex with her.
95
00:04:15,638 --> 00:04:17,989
To deal with that rejection
from Barney,
96
00:04:17,990 --> 00:04:19,741
not to mention your boss...
97
00:04:19,742 --> 00:04:21,443
must've really hurt.
98
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:24,412
Why don't we dig
into those emotions?
99
00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:28,366
So Marshall and Lily were
at Dr. Sonya's office...
100
00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:30,252
(drops pen on table)
101
00:04:31,454 --> 00:04:32,671
It's fascinating
102
00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:36,925
how profoundly little I know
about vaginas.
103
00:04:36,926 --> 00:04:37,609
(knocking)
104
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:39,160
DR. SONYA
Come in.
105
00:04:39,161 --> 00:04:41,546
Ted, what are you
doing here?!
106
00:04:41,547 --> 00:04:43,164
I checked up on all the stuff
107
00:04:43,165 --> 00:04:47,102
this "doctor" says is okay,
and she's wrong.
108
00:04:47,103 --> 00:04:51,690
So, for the health of this baby,
I'm stepping in.
109
00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:53,525
Sounds like this Ted guy could
benefit from some therapy.
110
00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:54,910
Oh, he definitely could.
111
00:04:54,911 --> 00:04:56,261
This is unacceptable.
112
00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:58,513
I'm sorry, we're gonna have
to find a new doctor.
113
00:04:58,514 --> 00:05:00,482
Guys, for the health
of our baby,
114
00:05:00,483 --> 00:05:02,317
Our?
we have to get serious
115
00:05:02,318 --> 00:05:04,185
about what Lily is
putting in her body.
116
00:05:04,186 --> 00:05:06,037
Speaking of which,
when we deliver,
117
00:05:06,038 --> 00:05:07,622
we won't be using any drugs.
118
00:05:07,623 --> 00:05:08,874
Get out!
119
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,858
Why are you kicking me out?!
120
00:05:10,859 --> 00:05:14,045
Because you're always intruding
on our intimate moments!
121
00:05:14,046 --> 00:05:17,031
This is like college
all over again!
122
00:05:18,033 --> 00:05:19,017
(sighs)
123
00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:21,035
Man, you guys
sure are messy!
124
00:05:21,036 --> 00:05:22,220
There's clothes everywhere.
125
00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:24,673
There's even a sock
on the door!
126
00:05:24,674 --> 00:05:27,976
A sock on the door
is a universal code
127
00:05:27,977 --> 00:05:29,227
for "We need some space."
128
00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:31,763
We needed it back then,
and we need it now.
129
00:05:31,764 --> 00:05:33,598
Come on! We're a trio!
130
00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:34,983
We've always been a trio!
131
00:05:34,984 --> 00:05:37,519
We're right up there with Batman
and Robin and Alfred.
132
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:38,737
Out!
133
00:05:38,738 --> 00:05:41,106
Romeo and Juliet
and the Apothecary.
134
00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:41,940
Now!
135
00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:45,243
Salt and Pepper and Cumin!
136
00:05:45,244 --> 00:05:48,113
What's that little guy
up there do?
137
00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,230
Oh, you poor girl.
138
00:05:50,065 --> 00:05:50,999
Robin!
139
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,367
It all ties together, I swear.
140
00:05:52,368 --> 00:05:55,203
So, Nora was about
to leave for France.
141
00:05:55,204 --> 00:05:56,738
You know, not
too long ago,
142
00:05:56,739 --> 00:05:57,956
I would have
been worried
143
00:05:57,957 --> 00:05:59,374
that if I left you alone,
144
00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:02,260
you'd be up to no good
with some blond bimbo.
145
00:06:02,261 --> 00:06:03,795
Oh, I've changed.
146
00:06:03,796 --> 00:06:05,714
I know, which is why
when I get back,
147
00:06:05,715 --> 00:06:08,082
it's gonna be the start
of a new chapter for us.
148
00:06:08,083 --> 00:06:10,752
A chapter of me and you
and hopefully not that tie.
149
00:06:10,753 --> 00:06:12,020
(laughs) You got me!
150
00:06:12,021 --> 00:06:14,055
Have a nice trip!
151
00:06:15,474 --> 00:06:17,442
Dr. Stinson?
I saw your ad,
152
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:19,861
and I'm here for my free
breast-reduction consultation.
153
00:06:19,862 --> 00:06:22,530
What do you think?
154
00:06:22,531 --> 00:06:25,533
Are they too big?
155
00:06:30,726 --> 00:06:33,839
I can't believe you're still
running plays on dumb blondes!
156
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,474
I thought you were
serious about Nora!
157
00:06:35,475 --> 00:06:37,042
No, I've been good, I swear!
158
00:06:37,043 --> 00:06:39,511
I just forgot about my BDSes.
159
00:06:39,512 --> 00:06:43,182
- BDSes?
- Bimbo Delivery Systems.
160
00:06:43,183 --> 00:06:46,552
You see, over the years,
I've launched a variety
161
00:06:46,553 --> 00:06:49,605
of elaborate systems that are
always working to get me laid.
162
00:06:49,606 --> 00:06:51,857
Like my pop-up ads.
163
00:06:51,858 --> 00:06:55,277
Oh, hi.
I'm Dr. Barney Stinson.
164
00:06:55,278 --> 00:06:57,095
Are your really large breasts
165
00:06:57,096 --> 00:06:58,697
making everyday tasks difficult?
166
00:06:58,698 --> 00:07:00,766
Oh!
167
00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:02,934
There's just got
to be a better way!
168
00:07:02,935 --> 00:07:04,286
There is!
169
00:07:04,287 --> 00:07:07,740
I, Dr. Barney Stinson,
for a limited time only,
170
00:07:07,741 --> 00:07:11,043
can give you a free
breast-reduction consultation.
171
00:07:11,044 --> 00:07:12,544
Call me.
172
00:07:12,545 --> 00:07:14,296
If your knockers are
just too damn big,
173
00:07:14,297 --> 00:07:17,616
I can handle them... it.
174
00:07:17,617 --> 00:07:19,618
Women actually
fell for that?
175
00:07:19,619 --> 00:07:21,470
Yeah.
That business really took off.
176
00:07:21,471 --> 00:07:23,505
It played in all kinds
of markets.
177
00:07:28,812 --> 00:07:31,680
Okay, survivors,
today's reward challenge
178
00:07:31,681 --> 00:07:34,817
is brought to you by
Dr. Barney Stinson's
179
00:07:34,818 --> 00:07:36,318
Free Breast Reduction
Consultations.
180
00:07:36,319 --> 00:07:38,370
That scam was
so successful,
181
00:07:38,371 --> 00:07:40,606
it spawned a related enterprise.
182
00:07:40,607 --> 00:07:41,807
(taps key)
183
00:07:41,808 --> 00:07:44,743
If you've been fooled
by a well-endowed man
184
00:07:44,744 --> 00:07:45,911
who claimed to be a doctor
185
00:07:45,912 --> 00:07:49,481
offering free breast-reduction
consultations,
186
00:07:49,482 --> 00:07:52,751
come see me, Arnie Linson,
attorney-at-law,
187
00:07:52,752 --> 00:07:55,754
and join my class-action suit.
188
00:07:55,755 --> 00:07:57,689
If your giant breasts
have been wronged,
189
00:07:57,690 --> 00:08:01,510
I can handle them... it.
190
00:08:01,511 --> 00:08:03,929
I got 'em comin' and goin'!
191
00:08:03,930 --> 00:08:06,331
Uh-huh.
192
00:08:06,332 --> 00:08:08,183
I can't believe you go
193
00:08:08,184 --> 00:08:10,436
to so much trouble
to get laid.
194
00:08:10,437 --> 00:08:12,271
Yeah, sometimes I don't
even have to shower.
195
00:08:12,272 --> 00:08:14,189
Mama loves it musky.
196
00:08:14,190 --> 00:08:17,226
I gotta shut down all these
systems before Nora gets back.
197
00:08:17,227 --> 00:08:19,561
How am I gonna do all that
in three days?
198
00:08:19,562 --> 00:08:20,979
I'll help you.
199
00:08:20,980 --> 00:08:24,149
Maybe you should write
on your little chart there:
200
00:08:24,150 --> 00:08:27,536
"Patient selflessly tried
to help a friend in need."
201
00:08:27,537 --> 00:08:30,522
First of all, this is
a crossword puzzle.
202
00:08:30,523 --> 00:08:32,958
Secondly, you were clearly
planning on using
203
00:08:32,959 --> 00:08:34,409
those three days
to steal Barney back.
204
00:08:34,410 --> 00:08:37,996
I am his friend! How dare you!
205
00:08:37,997 --> 00:08:40,883
God, you think you're so smart
just because
206
00:08:40,884 --> 00:08:42,367
you went to Harvard
207
00:08:42,368 --> 00:08:43,869
and then Princeton
208
00:08:43,870 --> 00:08:46,472
and then... wow,
Harvard again.
209
00:08:46,473 --> 00:08:47,923
Okay, yes, fine.
210
00:08:47,924 --> 00:08:50,175
I was... I was trying
to steal him back.
211
00:08:50,176 --> 00:08:51,810
This is good.
You're finally opening up
212
00:08:51,811 --> 00:08:52,895
and talking about yourself,
213
00:08:52,896 --> 00:08:54,880
not just what Marshall
and Lily were up to.
214
00:08:54,881 --> 00:08:56,882
Oh, yeah, so Marshall and Lily
were folding laundry...
215
00:08:56,883 --> 00:08:59,101
That one's my fault.
216
00:08:59,102 --> 00:09:01,520
You know...
217
00:09:01,521 --> 00:09:04,222
Never mind.
218
00:09:04,223 --> 00:09:05,574
(sniffles)
219
00:09:05,575 --> 00:09:06,492
It's just...
220
00:09:06,493 --> 00:09:08,577
Forget it.
221
00:09:09,445 --> 00:09:11,079
Marshall, you're
a grown-ass man.
222
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,365
If you want to say
something, just say it.
223
00:09:13,366 --> 00:09:15,617
I feel bad for Ted!
And if my mom were here,
224
00:09:15,618 --> 00:09:16,902
she would ask me what was wrong.
225
00:09:16,903 --> 00:09:19,254
You feel bad for Ted?!
226
00:09:19,255 --> 00:09:21,573
It's tough feeling
like the third wheel.
227
00:09:21,574 --> 00:09:24,409
Okay, first of all,
I'm sure Ted's fine.
228
00:09:24,410 --> 00:09:28,680
(sobbing): Who eats salt and pepper
without cumin?
229
00:09:30,216 --> 00:09:33,602
Second, Ted is way off base
coming after Dr. Sonya.
230
00:09:33,603 --> 00:09:35,187
We love her! Right?
231
00:09:38,975 --> 00:09:41,760
Don't tell me
you're doubting Dr. Sonya!
232
00:09:41,761 --> 00:09:43,862
(with Russian accent):
Just a little bit.
233
00:09:43,863 --> 00:09:44,646
(gasps)
234
00:09:44,647 --> 00:09:46,264
What's that thing?
235
00:09:46,265 --> 00:09:48,767
Well, for some women, it was
the ashes of my parents.
236
00:09:48,768 --> 00:09:51,770
For others, it was the trophy
from Wimbledon.
237
00:09:51,771 --> 00:09:55,958
And believe it or not, for
one busty dullard, it was both.
238
00:09:55,959 --> 00:09:58,610
Game, enormous set, match.
239
00:09:58,611 --> 00:10:01,046
(phone rings)
240
00:10:01,047 --> 00:10:02,748
Hello?
241
00:10:02,749 --> 00:10:04,416
Oh, yeah, thanks
for calling me back.
242
00:10:04,417 --> 00:10:05,450
Uh, Barney,
243
00:10:05,451 --> 00:10:07,886
It's Mitch
from the Port Authority.
244
00:10:10,723 --> 00:10:16,261
Port Authority Mitch.
You'd always call me whenever
245
00:10:16,262 --> 00:10:18,480
a wide-eyed farm girl
would get off the bus
246
00:10:18,481 --> 00:10:21,650
with big dreams of Broadway
and no idea
247
00:10:21,651 --> 00:10:24,135
what a "casting director"
could legally ask her to do,
248
00:10:24,136 --> 00:10:26,154
hold or lick during an audition.
249
00:10:26,155 --> 00:10:28,590
(voice cracking):
I'm sorry, old friend,
250
00:10:28,591 --> 00:10:31,076
your services are
no longer needed.
251
00:10:31,077 --> 00:10:35,581
(sobbing): Oh, God, I can't believe
I'm doing this over the phone!
252
00:10:36,249 --> 00:10:38,951
My love to Marge and the kids!
253
00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:41,770
I know. Here.
254
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,790
I didn't realize this would be so hard!
I know, I know.
255
00:10:44,791 --> 00:10:46,491
But hey, you know what? We're
almost through our checklist.
256
00:10:46,492 --> 00:10:47,993
- Okay? Okay?
- Okay.
257
00:10:47,994 --> 00:10:49,177
Which reminds me,
258
00:10:49,178 --> 00:10:51,380
why am I calling a hair salon
and saying,
259
00:10:51,381 --> 00:10:53,599
"Jack Fantastic is quitting"?
260
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:54,933
(with Southern drawl):
Sweetheart,
261
00:10:54,934 --> 00:10:57,436
it's like Maya Angelou
keeps telling Oprah,
262
00:10:57,437 --> 00:10:59,137
and I keep telling you:
263
00:10:59,138 --> 00:11:02,808
When you know better,
you do better.
264
00:11:02,809 --> 00:11:05,527
Wow, you are so wise.
265
00:11:05,528 --> 00:11:08,780
I wish you were straight
so I could date you.
266
00:11:08,781 --> 00:11:11,483
Well...
267
00:11:11,484 --> 00:11:16,405
as a matter of fact, I have
an extremely attractive
268
00:11:16,406 --> 00:11:20,709
straight twin brother!
269
00:11:20,710 --> 00:11:22,160
(everyone shrieking)
270
00:11:22,161 --> 00:11:23,361
(shrieking)
271
00:11:23,362 --> 00:11:26,131
Oh, hi.
272
00:11:26,132 --> 00:11:27,983
I cropped that Halloween photo.
273
00:11:27,984 --> 00:11:31,887
It's just salt and pepper, now,
so it looks ridiculous.
274
00:11:31,888 --> 00:11:34,256
Ted, I want you back on Team Baby.
What?
275
00:11:34,257 --> 00:11:35,657
I knew you'd come around!
276
00:11:35,658 --> 00:11:37,926
Guys! I didn't really
crop the photo!
277
00:11:37,927 --> 00:11:39,761
Plus...
278
00:11:39,762 --> 00:11:41,013
Good news.
279
00:11:41,014 --> 00:11:43,181
I signed us up for
a birthing class.
280
00:11:43,182 --> 00:11:44,933
Well, that's insane.
281
00:11:44,934 --> 00:11:47,235
It's way too early for
that, right, Marshall?
282
00:11:47,236 --> 00:11:50,522
Okay, listen. I am the
father of this child,
283
00:11:50,523 --> 00:11:52,607
and I vote that we go
to the birthing class.
284
00:11:52,608 --> 00:11:54,609
Absolutely not.
285
00:11:54,610 --> 00:11:56,061
'Kay, Lily.
286
00:11:56,062 --> 00:11:58,030
I hate to play this card...
287
00:11:58,031 --> 00:12:01,166
but if you don't
come to this class...
288
00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:02,668
I'm withholding sex.
289
00:12:02,669 --> 00:12:04,036
I don't think she's coming.
290
00:12:04,037 --> 00:12:05,420
Yeah.
291
00:12:05,421 --> 00:12:08,340
I was a little suspicious when
she had us take separate cabs.
292
00:12:10,910 --> 00:12:12,294
Lily, don't do it!
293
00:12:12,295 --> 00:12:14,346
Just a little bit.
294
00:12:14,347 --> 00:12:16,515
Think about our baby!
295
00:12:18,184 --> 00:12:20,519
You got to be kidding me,
Robin. Get to the assault.
296
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,604
Okay, fine.
297
00:12:22,605 --> 00:12:25,040
So Barney and I were finishing
packing his apartment...
298
00:12:25,041 --> 00:12:28,777
Okay. One last item
on the checklist.
299
00:12:28,778 --> 00:12:30,862
Disconnect the Cold Call 5000.
300
00:12:30,863 --> 00:12:32,731
(chuckles fondly)
What the hell's that?
301
00:12:32,732 --> 00:12:35,200
I was able to secure the
customer database from a company
302
00:12:35,201 --> 00:12:37,402
that sells body glitter
and high-end pasties.
303
00:12:37,403 --> 00:12:41,707
The Cold Call 5000 will
dial every female client
304
00:12:41,708 --> 00:12:44,609
between the ages of 22 and 23,
305
00:12:44,610 --> 00:12:45,777
and leave the following message:
306
00:12:45,778 --> 00:12:47,496
BARNEY (recorded):
Hi, I know this is crazy,
307
00:12:47,497 --> 00:12:50,582
but I saw you on the subway,
and I knew we were meant to be.
308
00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:53,668
If you believe in destiny,
come to MacLaren's tonight
309
00:12:53,669 --> 00:12:55,303
and find me, Barney Stinson.
310
00:12:55,304 --> 00:12:58,340
Because I have this feeling that
I'm supposed to be on you--
311
00:12:58,341 --> 00:12:59,558
with you.
312
00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:01,626
Why not re-record it?
313
00:13:01,627 --> 00:13:03,812
I did like a hundred takes.
It kept happening.
314
00:13:06,265 --> 00:13:08,100
I can't believe
Lily's not coming!
315
00:13:08,101 --> 00:13:09,634
You know what? Screw it!
316
00:13:09,635 --> 00:13:12,437
Who says that two bros
can't rock a birthing class?
317
00:13:12,438 --> 00:13:14,172
Rock it!
318
00:13:15,241 --> 00:13:19,528
Today, we'll be exploring
"The Sensual Massage."
319
00:13:19,529 --> 00:13:22,914
Let's start by gently cupping
our partner's hands...
320
00:13:29,155 --> 00:13:31,339
and just breathe each other in.
321
00:13:38,014 --> 00:13:39,497
Thanks, Robin.
322
00:13:39,498 --> 00:13:42,100
You're the only person I know
who would help me do all that.
323
00:13:42,101 --> 00:13:44,052
You're a real bro.
324
00:13:44,053 --> 00:13:45,303
Am I, though?
325
00:13:45,304 --> 00:13:48,523
'Cause I'm really
more of a woman.
326
00:13:48,524 --> 00:13:49,975
To my femininity.
327
00:13:49,976 --> 00:13:52,727
Nah, you're more of a bro.
328
00:13:52,728 --> 00:13:55,730
You're a dude.
You're a man.
329
00:13:58,017 --> 00:14:02,287
Hey, you are flying
solo one more night.
330
00:14:02,288 --> 00:14:04,823
How about I put on
a smokin' hot dress,
331
00:14:04,824 --> 00:14:08,577
you slap a vest over
that crime scene of a tie
332
00:14:08,578 --> 00:14:09,795
and we paint the town?
333
00:14:09,796 --> 00:14:12,130
I mean, when was the last time
we got rip-roaring drunk
334
00:14:12,131 --> 00:14:14,800
in clothing that
highlights our genders?
335
00:14:15,701 --> 00:14:17,752
So, your plan was to
be out on the town,
336
00:14:17,753 --> 00:14:21,173
dressed provocatively, drinking
with another woman's man.
337
00:14:22,074 --> 00:14:23,875
Robin, this is our
first session, and
338
00:14:23,876 --> 00:14:27,129
I know this is just one
clinical opinion, but...
339
00:14:27,130 --> 00:14:29,047
you a dawg!
340
00:14:29,048 --> 00:14:30,649
Yeah...
341
00:14:30,650 --> 00:14:32,184
There was just one problem...
342
00:14:32,185 --> 00:14:33,335
NORA:
Surprise!
343
00:14:33,336 --> 00:14:34,820
I got back early!
344
00:14:34,821 --> 00:14:36,972
Hey!
345
00:14:38,724 --> 00:14:41,409
KEVIN:
Let me guess,
346
00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:43,328
you got drunk
under your desk again?
347
00:14:43,329 --> 00:14:47,949
No, Mr. Harvard. I handled
things a little differently...
348
00:14:47,950 --> 00:14:50,168
(sobbing)
349
00:14:56,684 --> 00:14:59,688
So, I suppose now you want me
to talk about how it felt
350
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:02,832
watching Barney and Nora
walk off together, right?
351
00:15:03,192 --> 00:15:05,727
I'd rather just skip ahead
to the assault.
352
00:15:05,728 --> 00:15:07,095
My next patient thinks he's God.
353
00:15:07,096 --> 00:15:08,513
On the off chance
that he's right,
354
00:15:08,514 --> 00:15:10,148
I really don't want
to keep him waiting.
355
00:15:10,149 --> 00:15:13,852
Well, right after they left,
something crazy happened.
356
00:15:13,853 --> 00:15:19,191
Excuse me, do you know where
I can find Barney Stinson?
357
00:15:19,192 --> 00:15:22,577
He saw me on the subway and left
me a message to meet him here.
358
00:15:23,579 --> 00:15:25,396
Why not re-record it?
359
00:15:25,397 --> 00:15:27,582
I did like a hundred takes.
It kept happening.
360
00:15:30,536 --> 00:15:31,703
(sighs)
361
00:15:31,704 --> 00:15:32,654
(dial tone hums)
362
00:15:32,655 --> 00:15:34,339
(phone dials)
363
00:15:34,340 --> 00:15:35,290
(line rings)
364
00:15:35,291 --> 00:15:36,491
BARNEY:
Hi, I know this is crazy,
365
00:15:36,492 --> 00:15:37,709
but I saw you on the subway...
366
00:15:37,710 --> 00:15:41,797
He asked me if I believed
in destiny. And I do.
367
00:15:41,798 --> 00:15:44,415
We are so meant to be.
368
00:15:44,416 --> 00:15:46,134
Where can I find him?
369
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:49,087
So I was faced
with a moral dilemma.
370
00:15:49,088 --> 00:15:51,690
Unleash this nut bag on them
371
00:15:51,691 --> 00:15:55,360
or be a bigger person,
and help my friend.
372
00:15:55,361 --> 00:15:57,813
Barney's at Café L'Amour,
75th and Amsterdam.
373
00:15:57,814 --> 00:16:00,282
- Awesome!
- No, wait, wait, wait!
374
00:16:00,283 --> 00:16:02,317
Okay, this isn't right.
375
00:16:02,318 --> 00:16:05,821
(sighs) Let's pop that top
button, show off your gals.
376
00:16:05,822 --> 00:16:08,039
Ooh! Good luck, go get 'em!
377
00:16:09,625 --> 00:16:13,078
Let your love come
through your fingers.
378
00:16:13,079 --> 00:16:15,080
(moaning ecstatically)
379
00:16:15,081 --> 00:16:16,381
Dude, the rule is no moaning
380
00:16:16,382 --> 00:16:18,083
and keep your eyes
open at all times.
381
00:16:18,084 --> 00:16:20,335
Stop being weird.
382
00:16:20,336 --> 00:16:22,420
And hey, when do I
get to be the woman?
383
00:16:22,421 --> 00:16:26,391
Now remember, the most
important thing in pregnancy
384
00:16:26,392 --> 00:16:28,643
is to keep Mom calm and happy.
385
00:16:28,644 --> 00:16:30,729
She knows best what she needs.
386
00:16:30,730 --> 00:16:31,746
Trust her.
387
00:16:31,747 --> 00:16:34,432
Now, Papas,
388
00:16:34,433 --> 00:16:36,985
I want you to take
Mom's hands in yours,
389
00:16:36,986 --> 00:16:40,071
look deep into her eyes,
390
00:16:40,072 --> 00:16:41,940
and repeat after me.
391
00:16:41,941 --> 00:16:44,109
I believe in you.
392
00:16:44,110 --> 00:16:46,161
I believe in you.
393
00:16:46,162 --> 00:16:48,980
I honor your body's wisdom.
394
00:16:50,783 --> 00:16:52,751
I honor your body's wisdom.
395
00:16:52,752 --> 00:16:55,370
Your womb is a temple.
396
00:16:55,371 --> 00:16:58,673
- Your womb is a--
- Okay, I get it!
397
00:16:58,674 --> 00:17:01,426
I feel terrible we didn't
listen to what Lily wanted!
398
00:17:01,427 --> 00:17:02,761
I know, so do I.
399
00:17:02,762 --> 00:17:05,680
The truth is, I thought
I'd be married by now
400
00:17:05,681 --> 00:17:08,300
and going through all this
stuff alongside you guys.
401
00:17:08,301 --> 00:17:11,386
But even if I meet the girl of
my dreams right this second,
402
00:17:11,387 --> 00:17:13,671
I'm still one night
and nine months away
403
00:17:13,672 --> 00:17:15,307
from having a family
of my own.
404
00:17:15,308 --> 00:17:17,275
And that's assuming the
mother of my children
405
00:17:17,276 --> 00:17:19,194
is just a huge slut.
406
00:17:20,062 --> 00:17:21,396
Don't lose hope, Ted.
407
00:17:21,397 --> 00:17:24,182
That slut is out there.
408
00:17:24,183 --> 00:17:25,867
Thanks, buddy.
409
00:17:25,868 --> 00:17:27,319
We owe Lily an apology.
410
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,570
Yeah.
411
00:17:30,823 --> 00:17:34,125
Dads, this is the time that
I'll answer every question
412
00:17:34,126 --> 00:17:36,211
you've ever had about vaginas.
413
00:17:36,212 --> 00:17:38,380
Damn it!
414
00:17:42,385 --> 00:17:43,701
Hey.
415
00:17:43,702 --> 00:17:45,804
I'm so sorry, Lily.
416
00:17:45,805 --> 00:17:49,557
(with Russian accent):
You have just a little bit.
417
00:17:55,348 --> 00:17:58,600
I realize now that it's my job
for the next seven months
418
00:17:58,601 --> 00:18:02,354
to keep you happy,
and that's why...
419
00:18:02,355 --> 00:18:05,140
I'm no longer withholding sex.
420
00:18:05,141 --> 00:18:07,659
My hero.
421
00:18:07,660 --> 00:18:10,228
But I want to make sure
that you feel comfortable
422
00:18:10,229 --> 00:18:11,363
with Dr. Sonya, too.
423
00:18:11,364 --> 00:18:12,614
I do. And you know what,
424
00:18:12,615 --> 00:18:14,582
the fact that she's so calm
and laid back,
425
00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:16,001
maybe that's not a bad thing.
426
00:18:16,002 --> 00:18:17,502
Maybe that's exactly
what we're gonna want
427
00:18:17,503 --> 00:18:19,004
in that delivery room.
428
00:18:19,005 --> 00:18:23,375
Lily, if you don't push, I will
shove this baby up your throat
429
00:18:23,376 --> 00:18:25,160
and pull it out of your mouth!
430
00:18:25,161 --> 00:18:27,379
(screams)
431
00:18:27,380 --> 00:18:29,214
Where the hell is Marshall?!
432
00:18:29,215 --> 00:18:31,499
NARRATOR:
That's a crazy story, kids.
433
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:32,934
I'll get to that.
434
00:18:32,935 --> 00:18:36,054
Hey, Ted's out
in the hall.
435
00:18:36,055 --> 00:18:38,256
He wants to apologize, too.
436
00:18:44,413 --> 00:18:46,314
ROBIN:
Hey.
437
00:18:46,315 --> 00:18:48,733
What happened to your sock?
438
00:18:48,734 --> 00:18:51,786
Long story. Bottom line,
I realized that sometimes
439
00:18:51,787 --> 00:18:54,706
love means taking a step back.
440
00:18:54,707 --> 00:18:57,158
Well, not always.
441
00:18:57,159 --> 00:18:59,461
I mean, sometimes it's
better to interfere
442
00:18:59,462 --> 00:19:01,612
and sabotage stuff, right?
443
00:19:01,613 --> 00:19:04,082
Well, I think if you
care about somebody,
444
00:19:04,083 --> 00:19:05,633
you should want them
to be happy,
445
00:19:05,634 --> 00:19:07,886
even if you wind up
being left out.
446
00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:09,954
Wow.
447
00:19:09,955 --> 00:19:12,424
The lesson you learned
with Lily and Marshall
448
00:19:12,425 --> 00:19:14,926
is directly applicable
to my situation,
449
00:19:14,927 --> 00:19:16,261
and is therefore
450
00:19:16,262 --> 00:19:19,064
a valid part of how I'll
eventually tell this story.
451
00:19:19,065 --> 00:19:20,131
KEVIN:
Really?
452
00:19:20,132 --> 00:19:21,533
That's how that went down?
453
00:19:21,534 --> 00:19:25,336
Point is, it all
tied together, right?
454
00:19:25,337 --> 00:19:26,738
Not really at all.
455
00:19:26,739 --> 00:19:28,690
Can we just get to the assault?
456
00:19:29,358 --> 00:19:30,658
To us!
457
00:19:30,659 --> 00:19:32,027
KERSTEN (outside, faintly):
Barney, it's me!
458
00:19:32,028 --> 00:19:34,245
I love you, Barney!
459
00:19:35,081 --> 00:19:36,448
Mmm, scallops look good.
460
00:19:36,449 --> 00:19:37,749
Oh, they are.
461
00:19:37,750 --> 00:19:40,285
But the last time I was here
they ran out, so, uh...
462
00:19:40,286 --> 00:19:43,338
knock... on... wood.
463
00:19:44,423 --> 00:19:47,709
Well, I have my eye on the
red velvet cake for dessert.
464
00:19:47,710 --> 00:19:49,878
Lovely. Splitsies?
465
00:19:49,879 --> 00:19:52,380
Nah, I want it
all to myself.
466
00:19:52,381 --> 00:19:53,598
Really?
467
00:19:53,599 --> 00:19:54,766
Arm wrestle for it?
468
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:55,717
No!
469
00:19:55,718 --> 00:19:56,718
(both chuckle)
470
00:19:56,719 --> 00:19:58,386
All right.
471
00:19:58,387 --> 00:19:59,521
I love this place.
472
00:19:59,522 --> 00:20:01,106
- Thank you, babe.
- You're welcome.
473
00:20:01,107 --> 00:20:02,690
Babe.
474
00:20:02,691 --> 00:20:05,360
Barney doesn't know a thing
about any of this.
475
00:20:05,361 --> 00:20:09,280
But that's why I got
court-mandated therapy.
476
00:20:10,783 --> 00:20:12,183
You must think I'm nuts.
477
00:20:12,184 --> 00:20:15,403
I think you're
a really good friend.
478
00:20:15,404 --> 00:20:17,038
Really?
479
00:20:17,039 --> 00:20:18,323
Really.
480
00:20:18,324 --> 00:20:20,575
As far as I'm concerned,
there was no criminal intent
481
00:20:20,576 --> 00:20:21,943
to this assault.
482
00:20:21,944 --> 00:20:24,079
Well, thanks, Doc!
483
00:20:25,264 --> 00:20:27,382
Well, look at us!
484
00:20:27,383 --> 00:20:29,250
We got this wrapped up
in one session.
485
00:20:29,251 --> 00:20:31,336
Go us, right?
486
00:20:31,337 --> 00:20:33,204
Now let's discuss how you
keyed the judge's car.
487
00:20:33,205 --> 00:20:35,140
Okay. Um...
488
00:20:35,141 --> 00:20:36,391
Here's how it happened:
489
00:20:36,392 --> 00:20:38,376
Marshall and Lily were supposed
to go to the zoo--
490
00:20:38,377 --> 00:20:41,262
okay, it all ties together,
I swear. Now...
491
00:20:41,287 --> 00:20:45,287
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
492
00:20:45,289 --> 00:21:07,884
♪