1
00:00:00,353 --> 00:00:02,933
Kids, on New Year's Day 2012,
2
00:00:02,935 --> 00:00:04,935
Uncle Marshall took a trip
to Minnesota
3
00:00:04,937 --> 00:00:06,920
to see someone he truly missed.
4
00:00:11,726 --> 00:00:14,028
Hey, Pop.
5
00:00:14,030 --> 00:00:16,246
I can't believe
it's been a year.
6
00:00:16,248 --> 00:00:19,232
I think the most appropriate way
7
00:00:19,234 --> 00:00:22,569
to honor your memory today...
8
00:00:22,571 --> 00:00:23,871
is to get blasted
9
00:00:23,873 --> 00:00:25,839
and watch the Vikings
make the Bears
10
00:00:25,841 --> 00:00:26,957
their furry little bitches.
11
00:00:26,959 --> 00:00:28,959
- Go, Vikes!
- Shh.
12
00:00:28,961 --> 00:00:30,678
Sorry for your loss.
13
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:33,180
Which is what
we'll be saying to the Bears
14
00:00:33,182 --> 00:00:34,598
in about three hours,
right, Pop?
15
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,384
Kids, tailgating
at the Vikings-Bears game
16
00:00:37,386 --> 00:00:40,387
was a tradition
for Uncle Marshall and his dad.
17
00:00:40,389 --> 00:00:41,805
That's how
the government
18
00:00:41,807 --> 00:00:44,424
covered up the UFO crash
in Roswell:
19
00:00:44,426 --> 00:00:47,945
by canning the sliced up
alien carcasses
20
00:00:47,947 --> 00:00:54,918
and calling it Spam.
21
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,153
Wow.
22
00:00:56,155 --> 00:00:58,539
Is there anything
you don't know, Dad?
23
00:00:58,541 --> 00:00:59,773
No.
24
00:00:59,775 --> 00:01:01,608
I know most stuff.
25
00:01:01,610 --> 00:01:03,994
And in your honor...
26
00:01:03,996 --> 00:01:07,965
three decades of pork fat,
lighter fluid and Bengay.
27
00:01:09,301 --> 00:01:11,668
Dear God, that's the stuff.
28
00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:14,338
So much to catch you up on.
29
00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:17,474
So, last night
was New Year's Eve.
30
00:01:17,476 --> 00:01:19,459
That's a crazy story.
31
00:01:19,461 --> 00:01:21,879
So you haven't told your dad
that you're pregnant yet?
32
00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:24,464
No. But why should I?
33
00:01:24,466 --> 00:01:26,299
My dad has never
been there for me.
34
00:01:26,301 --> 00:01:28,969
This is just another chance
for him to let me down.
35
00:01:28,971 --> 00:01:31,905
Lily, you have to tell him.
36
00:01:31,907 --> 00:01:34,992
He's at some board game
convention in Chicago.
37
00:01:34,994 --> 00:01:37,578
He's your dad.
38
00:01:37,580 --> 00:01:39,246
I don't see why people
aren't getting this.
39
00:01:39,248 --> 00:01:40,531
Shoplifter
does not promote crime.
40
00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:43,333
It celebrates it.
41
00:01:43,335 --> 00:01:44,985
Excuse me.
42
00:01:44,987 --> 00:01:46,319
Yeah.
43
00:01:46,321 --> 00:01:47,871
Hey, Dad.
44
00:01:47,873 --> 00:01:51,508
I'm, uh, calling with
some pretty big news.
45
00:01:51,510 --> 00:01:53,343
I'm pregnant.
46
00:01:53,345 --> 00:01:55,262
Great. Thanks.
47
00:01:57,674 --> 00:02:01,674
♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x13 ♪
Tailgate
Original Air Date on January 2, 2012
48
00:02:01,699 --> 00:02:05,699
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
49
00:02:10,178 --> 00:02:12,362
- Anyway, Dad, Ted and Barney's
- New Year's Eve
50
00:02:12,364 --> 00:02:14,615
wasn't off
to a great start, either.
51
00:02:14,617 --> 00:02:16,150
Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. It's 50 bucks,
52
00:02:16,152 --> 00:02:17,350
and the line
starts out there.
53
00:02:17,352 --> 00:02:19,352
Uh, we're regulars.
Oh, in that case,
54
00:02:19,354 --> 00:02:21,205
the line starts out there,
and it's 50 bucks.
55
00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:23,023
You got a problem
with that?
56
00:02:23,025 --> 00:02:25,893
Kids, here's why we didn't have
a problem with that.
57
00:02:27,378 --> 00:02:30,447
And he was even scarier
without the toupee.
58
00:02:30,449 --> 00:02:31,965
No problem.
It's a little drafty.
59
00:02:31,967 --> 00:02:33,750
We'll get you
a nice hot cocoa.
60
00:02:36,588 --> 00:02:38,505
Check it out.
61
00:02:38,507 --> 00:02:40,808
Sandy Rivers'
New Year's Eve show.
62
00:02:40,810 --> 00:02:43,093
Thank God
I don't have to produce
63
00:02:43,095 --> 00:02:44,261
this frozen pile
of poo.
64
00:02:44,263 --> 00:02:45,512
How'd you dodge
that bullet?
65
00:02:45,514 --> 00:02:48,732
Well, maybe Tina,
the producer, he, uh, picked,
66
00:02:48,734 --> 00:02:50,350
is more talented
than I am...
67
00:02:50,352 --> 00:02:53,187
at lying down while Sandy
does his business on her.
68
00:02:53,189 --> 00:02:55,355
Does it bother you
that this pervert's
69
00:02:55,357 --> 00:02:56,857
on the air,
and you're not anymore?
70
00:02:56,859 --> 00:02:58,192
Do you miss it?
71
00:02:59,528 --> 00:03:02,579
What? Why would...
why would I miss it?
72
00:03:02,581 --> 00:03:04,748
No. I would rather
73
00:03:04,750 --> 00:03:07,918
be warm and cozy
here in denial-- my apartment.
74
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,419
Robin,
I'm no therapist--
75
00:03:09,421 --> 00:03:11,371
wait, yes, I am--
76
00:03:11,373 --> 00:03:14,074
but I've got a New Year's
resolution for you.
77
00:03:14,076 --> 00:03:15,408
Get back on camera.
78
00:03:15,410 --> 00:03:18,762
Mine was going to be "make
a sex tape," so... two birds.
79
00:03:20,249 --> 00:03:22,216
Hold that thought.
80
00:03:22,218 --> 00:03:23,934
Hello?
81
00:03:23,936 --> 00:03:25,252
Sandy?
82
00:03:25,254 --> 00:03:26,603
Tina quit.
83
00:03:26,605 --> 00:03:29,022
The woman I love just quit.
84
00:03:29,024 --> 00:03:31,141
Love?
She's my everything, Robin.
85
00:03:31,143 --> 00:03:34,728
My sun, my stars, my oxygen.
86
00:03:34,730 --> 00:03:37,481
Plus, she likes it
fast and dirty,
87
00:03:37,483 --> 00:03:39,616
and that's how Sandy rides.
88
00:03:39,618 --> 00:03:41,535
I need you here ASAP.
89
00:03:41,537 --> 00:03:42,986
Are you kidding me?
90
00:03:42,988 --> 00:03:44,404
Marcus?
91
00:03:44,406 --> 00:03:45,789
What the heck
are you doing here?
92
00:03:45,791 --> 00:03:47,741
What the heck are you
doing here?
93
00:03:47,743 --> 00:03:51,044
I wanted to see Dad today--
in private.
94
00:03:51,046 --> 00:03:52,779
Well, I had the same idea,
95
00:03:52,781 --> 00:03:55,883
and I drove all the way
from Mom's, so get lost.
96
00:03:55,885 --> 00:03:58,302
I flew here, so you get lost.
97
00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,504
Um, I'm trying to have
a poignant moment
98
00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:03,507
with our departed father,
turd face.
99
00:04:03,509 --> 00:04:05,309
Well, I'm trying
to feel Dad's spirit
100
00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:07,895
flow through my soul,
butt breath.
101
00:04:07,897 --> 00:04:09,479
I'm reaching out to the beyond
102
00:04:09,481 --> 00:04:12,299
to touch Dad's inner light,
ass clown.
103
00:04:12,301 --> 00:04:15,569
I hear Dad's voice
like an ethereal song
104
00:04:15,571 --> 00:04:18,906
guiding me toward salvation,
douche nozzle.
105
00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:21,858
- Dibs on Dad.
- Dibs on Dad times infinity.
106
00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:23,160
Oh!
Ooh.
107
00:04:23,162 --> 00:04:25,078
I'll just pretend
like you're not here.
108
00:04:26,447 --> 00:04:27,664
What?
109
00:04:27,666 --> 00:04:29,683
Dad, do you hear something?
110
00:04:29,685 --> 00:04:33,704
Perhaps the high-pitched whine
of someone who wet their bed
111
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:35,339
until they were 11!
112
00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:36,540
Ten.
113
00:04:37,592 --> 00:04:41,678
Anyway, Dad, since it's just
the two of us...
114
00:04:43,164 --> 00:04:45,299
Lily and I
were going to spend New Year's
115
00:04:45,301 --> 00:04:46,683
unpacking the baby room.
116
00:04:46,685 --> 00:04:49,886
Um, sweetie, why
is this book in here?
117
00:04:49,888 --> 00:04:51,605
That's Enigmas of The Mystical.
118
00:04:51,607 --> 00:04:52,689
It's all about
mysterious
119
00:04:52,691 --> 00:04:54,191
and unexplained phenomena.
120
00:04:54,193 --> 00:04:56,977
Don't you remember the TV
commercials from the '80s?
121
00:04:56,979 --> 00:04:59,229
June 17th, 1983.
122
00:04:59,231 --> 00:05:00,897
Tempe, Arizona.
123
00:05:00,899 --> 00:05:03,100
A woman makes
a chicken salad sandwich.
124
00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:05,018
Chicken salad sandwich.
125
00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:06,903
Halfway across the country
in Michigan,
126
00:05:06,905 --> 00:05:08,622
her daughter
is compelled to make
127
00:05:08,624 --> 00:05:11,524
almost exactly
the same sandwich.
128
00:05:11,526 --> 00:05:12,909
Tuna salad.
129
00:05:12,911 --> 00:05:14,511
Coincidence?
130
00:05:14,513 --> 00:05:17,164
Or an enigma of the mystical!
131
00:05:18,884 --> 00:05:22,502
Yeah, those enigmas
always seemed a bit thin to me.
132
00:05:22,504 --> 00:05:25,472
Thin?
Lily, this is 200 pages
133
00:05:25,474 --> 00:05:29,042
of detailed accounts
about Bigfoot, ghosts,
134
00:05:29,044 --> 00:05:31,428
aliens abducting people from
their beds and probing them.
135
00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:33,146
I'm going to read it
to Baby Eriksen
136
00:05:33,148 --> 00:05:34,381
at night-night.
137
00:05:34,383 --> 00:05:36,350
You really want
to read our kid
138
00:05:36,352 --> 00:05:37,901
bedtime stories about monsters?
139
00:05:37,903 --> 00:05:39,736
First of all,
I wouldn't use the "M" word.
140
00:05:39,738 --> 00:05:40,988
Only they can call
themselves that.
141
00:05:40,990 --> 00:05:42,389
And secondly,
are you really saying
142
00:05:42,391 --> 00:05:44,491
you don't want to raise
our child as a believer?
143
00:05:44,493 --> 00:05:46,443
I don't want
to brainwash our child
144
00:05:46,445 --> 00:05:48,495
to believe in something
with no proof.
145
00:05:48,497 --> 00:05:50,230
It's not about proof;
it's about faith.
146
00:05:50,232 --> 00:05:52,499
Faith is what gives life
shape and meaning.
147
00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:54,418
I mean, if there aren't yetis
or leprechauns,
148
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,503
what's the point of even
getting up in the morning?
149
00:05:56,505 --> 00:05:57,788
I don't know.
150
00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:00,507
Wife, unborn child,
drop a deuce?
151
00:06:00,509 --> 00:06:03,710
Lily, don't you think
it's a bit narcissistic
152
00:06:03,712 --> 00:06:07,047
not to allow for something
bigger than us out there?
153
00:06:07,049 --> 00:06:09,466
Something whose
beauty and power
154
00:06:09,468 --> 00:06:11,685
and majesty humbles us?
155
00:06:11,687 --> 00:06:13,520
God?
Werewolves.
156
00:06:16,358 --> 00:06:19,059
So, as the countdown
to 212 continues,
157
00:06:19,061 --> 00:06:20,811
a quick warning, America:
158
00:06:20,813 --> 00:06:23,814
Tina Henderson
is a soulless bitch
159
00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,783
who will stomp on your heart.
160
00:06:26,785 --> 00:06:29,202
I need you back, Tina.
161
00:06:29,204 --> 00:06:31,121
I love you.
162
00:06:31,123 --> 00:06:33,824
Well, if that's as bad
as it gets, we might be okay.
163
00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:35,942
Bathroom break.
164
00:06:38,414 --> 00:06:39,713
Oh, good.
165
00:06:39,715 --> 00:06:41,915
It's on the Jumbotron.
166
00:06:41,917 --> 00:06:43,383
Oh, finally.
167
00:06:43,385 --> 00:06:44,617
Yeah, that'll be
100 bucks each.
168
00:06:44,619 --> 00:06:46,470
What? You said 50.
169
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:48,638
That was before
the place got crowded.
170
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:49,789
Okay? It's
New Year's Eve.
171
00:06:49,791 --> 00:06:51,091
People get rowdy
and break stuff.
172
00:06:51,093 --> 00:06:52,259
The cover protects us.
173
00:06:52,261 --> 00:06:54,728
Plus, you get these
festive hats.
174
00:06:54,730 --> 00:06:56,796
For an additional
15 bucks.
175
00:06:56,798 --> 00:06:58,682
They're wet.
176
00:06:58,684 --> 00:07:00,267
Dry ones are 20.
177
00:07:00,269 --> 00:07:01,818
That's it.
178
00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:03,487
Don't bother,
everybody.
179
00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:04,905
MacLaren's is a rip-off!
180
00:07:04,907 --> 00:07:06,156
You'd all be better off
181
00:07:06,158 --> 00:07:08,475
coming upstairs
to my place for a beer.
182
00:07:08,477 --> 00:07:10,744
Hey, dude. You serious?
183
00:07:11,645 --> 00:07:15,332
Ted, do you remember
a couple yea ago,
184
00:07:15,334 --> 00:07:18,651
we had the best idea
of a time?
185
00:07:18,653 --> 00:07:20,003
We should buy a bar.
186
00:07:20,005 --> 00:07:22,506
Of course! We could buy a bar!
187
00:07:22,508 --> 00:07:24,291
The name of
our bar?
188
00:07:24,293 --> 00:07:26,793
Puzzles.
189
00:07:26,795 --> 00:07:29,162
People will be like,
"Why is it called Puzzles?"
190
00:07:29,164 --> 00:07:31,681
That's the puzzle.
191
00:07:31,683 --> 00:07:34,501
A bar where no
one's overcharged,
192
00:07:34,503 --> 00:07:37,604
where everyone feels
valued and respected.
193
00:07:37,606 --> 00:07:39,189
A bar...
194
00:07:39,191 --> 00:07:42,192
where we get chicks drunk
and bang them.
195
00:07:42,194 --> 00:07:44,144
We're opening
Puzzles tonight.
196
00:07:44,146 --> 00:07:47,364
Of course we're opening
Puzzles tonight!
197
00:07:47,366 --> 00:07:50,850
Aren't you going to ask us
why it's called Puzzles?
198
00:07:50,852 --> 00:07:52,452
Nope.
199
00:07:52,454 --> 00:07:54,321
Okay.
200
00:07:54,323 --> 00:07:57,791
Okay, we're back
live in 30 seconds.
201
00:07:57,793 --> 00:07:59,159
I don't know.
202
00:07:59,161 --> 00:08:02,129
Uht's see if he's
still wearing his mic.
203
00:08:02,131 --> 00:08:04,581
Taxi, take me to Tina's house.
204
00:08:04,583 --> 00:08:06,249
50 West 67th.
205
00:08:06,251 --> 00:08:07,801
Sir, this is a falafel stand,
206
00:08:07,803 --> 00:08:09,219
and you're sitting
in the hummu
207
00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:11,922
Okay.
208
00:08:11,924 --> 00:08:14,391
Run the montage of people who
died this year until I get back.
209
00:08:14,393 --> 00:08:15,592
And add Sandy,
210
00:08:15,594 --> 00:08:17,811
because when I find him,
I'm going to kill him.
211
00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:29,137
- Anyway, Dad...
- Stop hogging Dad already.
212
00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:31,407
- I've got stuff to tell him, too.
- Like what?
213
00:08:31,409 --> 00:08:33,509
You're still living with Mom,
and you have no job.
214
00:08:34,344 --> 00:08:35,644
Go ahead.
215
00:08:35,646 --> 00:08:37,680
So, anyway...
216
00:08:38,682 --> 00:08:41,400
July 8, 19.
217
00:08:41,402 --> 00:08:42,568
Cheyenne, Wyoming.
218
00:08:42,570 --> 00:08:45,404
A hunter spots
a hairy form in the fore.
219
00:08:45,406 --> 00:08:46,689
Bigfoot.
220
00:08:46,691 --> 00:08:47,857
His story
is dismissed
221
00:08:47,859 --> 00:08:50,409
because, to be honest,
he'd been drinking
222
00:08:50,411 --> 00:08:52,978
and had a history
of mental problems.
223
00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:54,580
But was it a hoax?
224
00:08:54,582 --> 00:08:56,532
Or was it an enigma of the...
225
00:08:56,534 --> 00:08:59,034
It was an idiot
in a gorilla suit.
226
00:08:59,036 --> 00:09:00,986
Enigma.
Gorilla suit.
227
00:09:00,988 --> 00:09:04,173
Enigma!
Gorilla suit!
228
00:09:04,175 --> 00:09:05,824
Marshall? Marcus?
229
00:09:05,826 --> 00:09:07,927
What are you guys doing he?
230
00:09:07,929 --> 00:09:09,929
Having a private
moment with Dad.
231
00:09:09,931 --> 00:09:13,015
No, I'm having
a private moment with Dad.
232
00:09:13,017 --> 00:09:16,268
No, I'm having
a private moment with Dad.
233
00:09:16,270 --> 00:09:17,853
Touchdown, Vikings!
234
00:09:17,855 --> 00:09:19,671
Boom! Yeah!
235
00:09:25,796 --> 00:09:27,163
Anyway, Dad,
236
00:09:27,165 --> 00:09:30,116
since it's still
just the two of us,
237
00:09:30,118 --> 00:09:32,684
I'll go on.
238
00:09:35,539 --> 00:09:39,408
I've always envisioned Puzzles
as a literary salon,
239
00:09:39,410 --> 00:09:41,544
where Gotham's intelligentsia
hold court
240
00:09:41,546 --> 00:09:43,879
on art, philosophy
and literature.
241
00:09:43,881 --> 00:09:45,381
Great.
242
00:09:45,383 --> 00:09:48,417
And while you're distracting
the nerds and fatties,
243
00:09:48,419 --> 00:09:50,702
I'll be in the VIP room
getting it in.
244
00:09:50,704 --> 00:09:52,588
Uh, yeah, dude,
I don't know
245
00:09:52,590 --> 00:09:55,257
where you got a velvet rope,
but you can't
246
00:09:55,259 --> 00:09:57,393
use my room
for anonymous sex.
247
00:09:57,395 --> 00:09:59,345
I'm kind of a neat freak
that way.
248
00:09:59,347 --> 00:10:01,213
Hey, guys, I have an idea
for Puzzles.
249
00:10:01,215 --> 00:10:07,570
What if... What?
250
00:10:07,572 --> 00:10:09,488
Oh. Okay. I understand.
251
00:10:09,490 --> 00:10:10,889
But he we like
your energy.
252
00:10:10,891 --> 00:10:12,636
How would you like
to be our star bartender.
253
00:10:13,411 --> 00:10:14,893
I've always wanted
to be a bartender.
254
00:10:14,895 --> 00:10:16,195
It's just like
being a therapist.
255
00:10:16,197 --> 00:10:17,842
You listen to people's problems,
pretend to care,
256
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,067
but you can drink openly,
257
00:10:19,167 --> 00:10:21,500
instead of having to hide
your booze in a coffee mug.
258
00:10:21,502 --> 00:10:22,835
Great. Oh,
check it out.
259
00:10:22,837 --> 00:10:25,421
We worked out
a theme song for Puzzles.
260
00:10:25,423 --> 00:10:26,922
While I was carrying
100-pound kegs
261
00:10:26,924 --> 00:10:28,924
up four flights of stairs?
Awesome.
262
00:10:28,926 --> 00:10:31,210
♪ ♪
263
00:10:34,381 --> 00:10:37,416
♪ Puzzles is a place
where people go ♪
264
00:10:37,418 --> 00:10:40,386
♪ To feel like they belong ♪
265
00:10:40,388 --> 00:10:43,522
♪ Gonna take advantage
of dumb drunk girls ♪
266
00:10:43,524 --> 00:10:45,057
No, we're not.
267
00:10:45,059 --> 00:10:46,809
♪ That would be wrong ♪
268
00:10:46,811 --> 00:10:51,530
♪ A place where wit
and wisdom bloom ♪
269
00:10:53,283 --> 00:10:56,935
♪A place to bang chicks
in Ted's room ♪
270
00:10:56,937 --> 00:10:59,572
- Not gonna happen.
- We'll talk about it.
271
00:10:59,574 --> 00:11:03,909
♪ At Puzzles,
we all fit together ♪
272
00:11:03,911 --> 00:11:06,245
♪ And I'm the bartender! ♪
273
00:11:08,266 --> 00:11:09,582
I'll go get
the other kegs.
274
00:11:09,584 --> 00:11:10,583
Probably a good idea.
275
00:11:10,585 --> 00:11:14,003
We got to work out
some harmonies.
276
00:11:14,005 --> 00:11:15,721
♪ And I'm right here ♪
♪ No, you actually down here ♪
277
00:11:15,723 --> 00:11:18,057
Excuse me, sir?
About the TVs,
278
00:11:18,059 --> 00:11:19,758
we in the middle
burying my aunt, so...
279
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,594
Oh I'm sorry.
We'll keep it down.
280
00:11:21,596 --> 00:11:23,896
No, I just want
to check out the score.
281
00:11:23,898 --> 00:11:26,232
Actually, I'm trying to have
282
00:11:26,234 --> 00:11:28,300
a private moment
with my dad, so...
283
00:11:28,325 --> 00:11:29,486
Oh.
284
00:11:29,487 --> 00:11:31,820
It's just that I used to goto Vikes's
285
00:11:31,822 --> 00:11:34,573
with my aunt;
may she rest in peace.
286
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,081
Anyway, so back
to my story.
287
00:11:43,617 --> 00:11:46,335
She also loved burgers.
288
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:54,593
So now,
back to my story.
289
00:11:54,595 --> 00:11:56,545
Aunt Laura sure loved
a toasted bun.
290
00:12:02,218 --> 00:12:04,386
Tina, please tell me
Sandy's here.
291
00:12:04,388 --> 00:12:06,639
Don't worry, he's here.
292
00:12:06,641 --> 00:12:08,891
And we're back...
together!
293
00:12:08,893 --> 00:12:11,226
He told me he loves me,
he's sorry,
294
00:12:11,228 --> 00:12:13,395
and I'm the only girl for him.
295
00:12:14,514 --> 00:12:16,865
You know, since we'll here,
296
00:12:16,867 --> 00:12:19,068
and we're all horny...
297
00:12:20,787 --> 00:12:23,188
I don't know
what went wrong.
298
00:12:23,190 --> 00:12:24,940
Well, proposing the
three-way was bad,
299
00:12:24,942 --> 00:12:26,375
starting without us
was worse,
300
00:12:26,377 --> 00:12:28,944
finishing in the hallway was
the nail in the coffin.
301
00:12:28,946 --> 00:12:30,296
No! Stop drinking!
302
00:12:30,298 --> 00:12:32,581
I gotta get you
back on air!
303
00:12:32,583 --> 00:12:34,199
But I'm single and
ready to mingle!
304
00:12:34,201 --> 00:12:36,418
Hello, there.
305
00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:40,172
Oh, the Twitter-verse
blowing up about
306
00:12:40,174 --> 00:12:42,257
a new apartment-themed bar
called Puzzles.
307
00:12:42,259 --> 00:12:43,559
Why is it called
Puzzles?
308
00:12:43,561 --> 00:12:45,311
That's the puzzle!
309
00:12:45,313 --> 00:12:48,013
Anyway, this VIP room
has a maximum occupancy
310
00:12:48,015 --> 00:12:50,933
of two people including me,
so eeny...
311
00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:53,819
and the rest
of you may go.
312
00:12:54,771 --> 00:12:57,906
It's funny,
but it seems each time
313
00:12:57,908 --> 00:13:01,026
I read James Joyce's Ulysses,
314
00:13:01,028 --> 00:13:03,395
it's a different book,
315
00:13:03,397 --> 00:13:06,532
begging the question:
Has the book changed...
316
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:08,951
or have I?
317
00:13:12,039 --> 00:13:14,740
Okay, people are getting rowdy
and drunk and breaking things.
318
00:13:14,742 --> 00:13:16,908
I know this goes against
the Puzzles mission statement
319
00:13:16,910 --> 00:13:19,461
you made me memorize, but we
gotta raise our drink prices.
320
00:13:19,463 --> 00:13:22,181
All right, just a little bit
so no one will notice.
321
00:13:26,419 --> 00:13:28,220
Boo!
322
00:13:29,305 --> 00:13:30,889
Poodles sucks!
323
00:13:30,891 --> 00:13:33,392
And that's when the night
turned to absolute crap.
324
00:13:33,394 --> 00:13:38,647
♪ At Puzzles,
we all fit together ♪
325
00:13:40,066 --> 00:13:45,621
♪ On sunny days
or stormy weather ♪
326
00:13:45,623 --> 00:13:49,625
♪ So pull up a chair and sit'♪
327
00:13:49,627 --> 00:13:52,378
♪ To share and stories to tell ♪
328
00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:56,615
♪ Puzzles is a place where
everybody feels at home ♪
329
00:13:56,617 --> 00:13:59,418
♪ And we bang chicks
in Ted's room. ♪
330
00:13:59,420 --> 00:14:01,953
What-what do, what do,
what do we do?
331
00:14:01,955 --> 00:14:04,089
And so Puzzles got a bouncer,
332
00:14:04,091 --> 00:14:06,308
All right, you know what,
you guys?
333
00:14:11,564 --> 00:14:12,605
No. No, no, no, no, no,
you said double
334
00:14:12,606 --> 00:14:14,022
what MacLaren's
was paying me.
335
00:14:14,801 --> 00:14:17,135
And why isn't anyone wearing
the hats I brought up?!
336
00:14:20,256 --> 00:14:22,441
"November 14th...
337
00:14:22,443 --> 00:14:23,409
"1982.
338
00:14:23,411 --> 00:14:26,779
"Everglades National Park,
Florida.
339
00:14:26,781 --> 00:14:29,648
"Five mysterious lights dance
in the night sky.
340
00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:32,284
"A ray shoots down,
lifting the park ranger,
341
00:14:32,286 --> 00:14:35,871
"who, to be fair, was going
through a bad divorce
342
00:14:35,873 --> 00:14:40,125
and had a habit of lying
to get attention."
343
00:14:40,127 --> 00:14:42,044
I hate this job, Sandy!
344
00:14:42,046 --> 00:14:44,263
I went into journalism
to make a difference,
345
00:14:44,265 --> 00:14:46,799
but you have made
that impossible.
346
00:14:46,801 --> 00:14:48,717
You know, to be honest,
it hasn't been
347
00:14:48,719 --> 00:14:50,686
an easy couple months for me.
I've made mistakes.
348
00:14:50,688 --> 00:14:53,105
I've felt alone.
I had to let go of dreams
349
00:14:53,107 --> 00:14:54,723
I didn't even know I had.
350
00:14:54,725 --> 00:14:56,942
So here's the deal:
351
00:14:56,944 --> 00:14:58,343
You're gonna get
back on air
352
00:14:58,345 --> 00:14:59,978
and count us
into a better year,
353
00:14:59,980 --> 00:15:04,566
because I just can't do
2011 anymore. You with me?
354
00:15:04,568 --> 00:15:06,985
He's not with me, is he?
355
00:15:13,304 --> 00:15:15,422
Anyway, Dad, where was I?
356
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,367
You know what?
Fine, get out of here!
357
00:15:17,369 --> 00:15:19,619
We don't need ya!
358
00:15:21,455 --> 00:15:24,424
And why doesn't anybody
like these hats?
359
00:15:24,426 --> 00:15:28,428
I made these hats.
360
00:15:28,430 --> 00:15:30,096
It's because
they' wet, Doug.
361
00:15:30,098 --> 00:15:32,715
Why are they all wet?!
362
00:15:32,717 --> 00:15:34,834
Were those our last customers?
363
00:15:34,836 --> 00:15:36,853
Let me go check
the bathroom.
364
00:15:41,276 --> 00:15:43,526
You must be
from the escort service.
365
00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:50,733
The scenario is high school
wrestling match.
366
00:15:54,238 --> 00:15:55,187
Hello?
367
00:15:55,189 --> 00:15:57,790
So get this:
I lost Sandy Rivers.
368
00:15:57,792 --> 00:15:59,792
Funny you should mention that.
369
00:15:59,794 --> 00:16:00,860
It's almost midnight!
370
00:16:00,862 --> 00:16:02,879
What am I gonna do,
go on the air myself?
371
00:16:02,881 --> 00:16:06,049
Listen... Wait. Yeah, do that!
372
00:16:06,051 --> 00:16:07,717
No, I-I can't actually.
373
00:16:07,719 --> 00:16:10,553
Yes, you can. It's what you
really want and you deserve it.
374
00:16:10,555 --> 00:16:12,555
Kevin, that's not how it works.
375
00:16:12,557 --> 00:16:13,973
Sounds like that's
your only choice.
376
00:16:13,975 --> 00:16:16,059
New York's a big city.
377
00:16:16,061 --> 00:16:18,227
Sandy Rivers
could be anywhere.
378
00:16:19,513 --> 00:16:22,415
And... wrestle!
379
00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:25,568
Hey.
380
00:16:25,570 --> 00:16:28,387
I'm sorry, baby.
381
00:16:28,389 --> 00:16:30,073
I just...
I want our kid
382
00:16:30,075 --> 00:16:32,408
to believe that the
universe is magical.
383
00:16:32,410 --> 00:16:34,444
You know, like
my dad taught me.
384
00:16:34,446 --> 00:16:36,362
You know what
my dad taught me?
385
00:16:36,364 --> 00:16:38,614
Nothing...
'cause he was never there.
386
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:44,871
"June 22nd, 1996,
Brooklyn, New York.
387
00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:48,741
"A man misses his daughter's
high school graduation.
388
00:16:48,743 --> 00:16:50,960
"Later, she discovers
her babysitting money
389
00:16:50,962 --> 00:16:52,962
"has been spent on
a board game called
390
00:16:52,964 --> 00:16:55,965
Who Stole The
Babysitting Money?"
391
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:58,051
He never saw
the irony in that.
392
00:16:58,053 --> 00:17:01,554
"December 31st, 2011.
393
00:17:01,556 --> 00:17:05,558
"A woman calls her father
to tell him she's pregnant.
394
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,644
says, 'Great. Thanks,'
and hangs up on her."
395
00:17:08,646 --> 00:17:12,098
And after pushing
her to call him,
396
00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:16,619
a Big Foot is discovered
in her husband's mouth.
397
00:17:17,738 --> 00:17:19,939
I'm glad you're
a believer, baby,
398
00:17:19,941 --> 00:17:24,660
but I'm never gonna believe
in an "enigma of the mystical"
399
00:17:24,662 --> 00:17:27,830
unless I see it
with my own eyes.
400
00:17:27,832 --> 00:17:29,749
Because the truth is,
401
00:17:29,751 --> 00:17:34,253
my father never taught me
believe in anything but myself.
402
00:17:34,255 --> 00:17:38,091
Well, if it helps at all,
I believe in you, too.
403
00:17:39,977 --> 00:17:43,012
Then there's a pretty
good chance I don't exist.
404
00:17:43,014 --> 00:17:44,263
How dare you?!
405
00:17:48,085 --> 00:17:50,353
Oh, my God!
406
00:17:50,355 --> 00:17:53,189
This is Robin Scherbatsky
filling in for Sandy Rivers.
407
00:17:53,191 --> 00:17:55,074
You know, America,
408
00:17:55,076 --> 00:17:58,411
tonight I've been groped,
stepped in puke
409
00:17:58,436 --> 00:17:59,446
and until 10 minutes ago
410
00:17:59,447 --> 00:18:03,499
had no idea I would be
on national television.
411
00:18:03,501 --> 00:18:04,717
That's my girl.
412
00:18:04,719 --> 00:18:07,005
But that's the magic
of New Year's.
413
00:18:07,030 --> 00:18:08,930
When that clock
strikes midnight,
414
00:18:08,990 --> 00:18:10,423
we all get a fresh start.
415
00:18:10,425 --> 00:18:14,594
And I don't know about you,
but I could really use one.
416
00:18:14,596 --> 00:18:18,464
And that magic moment
starts in ten...
417
00:18:18,466 --> 00:18:20,166
nine...
418
00:18:20,168 --> 00:18:23,486
That night became a turning
point in Robin's career.
419
00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:28,391
But we'll get to that.
420
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:31,027
They're nice hats, Doug.
421
00:18:31,029 --> 00:18:34,013
They're wet
but they're nice.
422
00:18:34,015 --> 00:18:37,016
...three, two, one.
423
00:18:41,205 --> 00:18:43,072
And that's the story
of New Year's Eve.
424
00:18:43,074 --> 00:18:44,957
You know, I've been thinking
425
00:18:44,959 --> 00:18:47,627
that the reason I got so intense
with Lily
426
00:18:47,629 --> 00:18:51,130
about Enigmas of the Mystical
is that, well...
427
00:18:51,132 --> 00:18:53,249
Could you pass the pickles?
428
00:18:54,918 --> 00:18:57,920
...with you gone, I feel
the mystical a little less.
429
00:18:57,922 --> 00:19:00,089
Can you hand me the chips?
430
00:19:00,091 --> 00:19:02,925
Sometimes
I feel you a little less.
431
00:19:02,927 --> 00:19:06,712
That's why today was
so important because I just...
432
00:19:06,714 --> 00:19:07,880
I needed to...
433
00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:14,904
Did you just open a beer
on my father's headstone?
434
00:19:14,906 --> 00:19:16,405
Actually, it's a hard cider.
435
00:19:16,407 --> 00:19:19,659
And just as he was about
to lose it...
436
00:19:19,661 --> 00:19:21,444
Hey, Marvin, can you
pass me a burger?
437
00:19:21,446 --> 00:19:22,862
Hey, not Marvin. Marshall.
438
00:19:22,864 --> 00:19:25,231
Sorry, it's just,
you're so much like your pop.
439
00:19:25,233 --> 00:19:27,834
Your Uncle Marshall
thought back
440
00:19:27,836 --> 00:19:29,785
to all those tailgates
with his father.
441
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,405
Hey, mind if I grab one?
442
00:19:33,407 --> 00:19:35,908
The more the merrier!
All right.
443
00:19:35,910 --> 00:19:43,382
♪ The time has come
to heal our wounds ♪
444
00:19:43,384 --> 00:19:50,756
♪ The time has come,
it's coming soon...
445
00:19:50,758 --> 00:19:54,060
And he realized that maybe
private moments are overrated.
446
00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:55,311
You know what?
447
00:19:56,980 --> 00:19:58,364
The more the merrier.
448
00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:01,033
Hey, guys.
449
00:20:01,035 --> 00:20:04,770
♪ The time has come
to heal the wounds. ♪
450
00:20:07,908 --> 00:20:08,791
Happy New Year.
451
00:20:08,793 --> 00:20:10,543
Happy New Year.
452
00:20:13,297 --> 00:20:16,649
January 1st, 2012,
East Meadow, New York.
453
00:20:16,651 --> 00:20:20,319
A woman answers her door to
find something more enigmatic
454
00:20:20,321 --> 00:20:22,955
and mysterious than Bigfoot
or the Loch Ness Monster.
455
00:20:22,957 --> 00:20:24,340
Dad?
456
00:20:24,342 --> 00:20:26,058
Hey.
457
00:20:26,060 --> 00:20:27,727
I thought you were in Chicago.
458
00:20:27,729 --> 00:20:29,579
I was.
459
00:20:29,581 --> 00:20:32,765
Great. Thanks.
460
00:20:32,767 --> 00:20:35,735
My daughter's having a baby!
461
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,575
Did you drive all night?
462
00:20:42,577 --> 00:20:43,693
Yeah.
463
00:20:43,695 --> 00:20:47,079
Well, Teddy and I
split the drive.
464
00:20:47,081 --> 00:20:49,949
This guy's a maniac
behind the wheel.
465
00:20:51,285 --> 00:20:53,085
Congrats, Princess.
466
00:20:57,708 --> 00:20:59,008
Happy New Year, Dad.
467
00:20:59,010 --> 00:21:03,010
== sync, corrected by elderman ==