1
00:00:02,499 --> 00:00:06,168
Kids, in late 2012, I received
a very important text message.
2
00:00:10,999 --> 00:00:14,616
Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin
were engaged,
3
00:00:14,617 --> 00:00:16,934
marking a truly happy time
for our little group.
4
00:00:18,357 --> 00:00:20,724
The problem was
5
00:00:20,726 --> 00:00:24,311
one of us was
definitely not happy.
6
00:00:25,765 --> 00:00:28,015
Marvin will not
stop crying.
7
00:00:28,017 --> 00:00:29,016
What do you guys think it is?
8
00:00:29,018 --> 00:00:30,383
Is he hungry?
9
00:00:30,385 --> 00:00:32,820
Well, that must be it.
10
00:00:32,822 --> 00:00:33,854
Huh!
11
00:00:33,856 --> 00:00:36,106
Thank you for thinking
of that, Ted.
12
00:00:36,108 --> 00:00:37,991
And here we were
just watering him
13
00:00:37,993 --> 00:00:39,943
and facing him
towards the sunlight.
14
00:00:40,762 --> 00:00:43,447
Sorry, I haven't slept in...
15
00:00:43,449 --> 00:00:44,615
January.
16
00:00:44,617 --> 00:00:45,799
Food going in
17
00:00:45,801 --> 00:00:47,067
isn't the problem,
18
00:00:47,069 --> 00:00:49,453
it's what's coming out,
or not coming out.
19
00:00:49,455 --> 00:00:51,571
He hasn't pooped
in three days.
20
00:00:51,573 --> 00:00:52,623
Yeah, normally
21
00:00:52,625 --> 00:00:54,441
I wouldn't wish one
of his dirty diapers
22
00:00:54,443 --> 00:00:57,761
on my worst enemy,
but now I kind of miss
23
00:00:57,763 --> 00:00:59,680
popping the hood
in the morning
24
00:00:59,682 --> 00:01:02,015
and finding that first
big juicy, black...
25
00:01:02,017 --> 00:01:04,818
Lily, I'm eating chili.
26
00:01:04,820 --> 00:01:06,753
I'm eating chili, Lily.
27
00:01:06,755 --> 00:01:08,689
Confetti.
28
00:01:08,691 --> 00:01:10,224
Big blast of confetti.
29
00:01:10,226 --> 00:01:12,693
Normally, the kid's
a confetti machine.
30
00:01:12,695 --> 00:01:14,361
He's Rip Taylor
in a diaper.
31
00:01:14,363 --> 00:01:15,579
I have a feeling
32
00:01:15,581 --> 00:01:16,814
at this point, Rip Taylor
33
00:01:16,816 --> 00:01:18,315
is Rip Taylor in a diaper.
34
00:01:18,317 --> 00:01:20,227
And with that image,
dinner is done.
35
00:01:20,228 --> 00:01:21,051
Hey, guys.
36
00:01:21,076 --> 00:01:22,285
Hey.
Well, well, well.
37
00:01:22,772 --> 00:01:24,121
Here comes the bride.
38
00:01:24,123 --> 00:01:26,607
Now the annoying part, right?
39
00:01:26,609 --> 00:01:28,125
Planning the wedding?
40
00:01:28,127 --> 00:01:30,211
So not fun, right?
41
00:01:30,213 --> 00:01:31,579
I don't know-- I'm kind of
looking forward to it.
42
00:01:31,581 --> 00:01:33,280
Fine, I'll do it for you.
43
00:01:33,282 --> 00:01:35,616
First thing we need
to do is set a date.
44
00:01:35,618 --> 00:01:37,134
May 25, 2013.
45
00:01:37,136 --> 00:01:38,135
Thank you, Ted.
46
00:01:38,137 --> 00:01:39,453
The ladies are talking.
47
00:01:39,455 --> 00:01:40,888
Actually, that is the date.
48
00:01:40,890 --> 00:01:44,258
Ted offered to help
with the planning a little.
49
00:01:44,260 --> 00:01:46,594
And, well, uh...
50
00:01:46,596 --> 00:01:47,845
That's a big binder.
51
00:01:47,847 --> 00:01:48,996
Oh, this?
52
00:01:48,998 --> 00:01:50,765
This is just cakes.
53
00:01:51,733 --> 00:01:52,983
Anyway, we're having
the ceremony
54
00:01:52,985 --> 00:01:55,069
at that beautiful little
church out on Long Island,
55
00:01:55,071 --> 00:01:57,338
where Victoria almost got
married-- lovely spot.
56
00:01:57,340 --> 00:01:59,940
And then we're gonna have a
reception in a big white tent
57
00:01:59,942 --> 00:02:01,609
on the front lawn
of the hotel.
58
00:02:01,611 --> 00:02:04,195
Oh, and, uh, the
colors are cream
59
00:02:04,197 --> 00:02:05,880
and lilac.
60
00:02:07,249 --> 00:02:09,283
I will cut you, bitch.
61
00:02:09,285 --> 00:02:10,534
No, L-L-Lily...
62
00:02:10,559 --> 00:02:14,559
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x13 ♪
Band or DJ
Original Air Date on January 14, 2013
63
00:02:14,584 --> 00:02:19,584
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
64
00:02:23,215 --> 00:02:25,883
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
65
00:02:25,885 --> 00:02:27,718
I'm cool, I'm cool.
66
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:28,719
Hey, Robin, where's Barney?
67
00:02:28,721 --> 00:02:31,939
Did he skip town already?
68
00:02:31,941 --> 00:02:33,357
If so, exactly
what time was it?
69
00:02:33,359 --> 00:02:35,943
It's important
for the over/under.
70
00:02:35,945 --> 00:02:39,730
Barney's fine, it's just...
well, earlier this morning...
71
00:02:39,732 --> 00:02:42,967
So, it's been three days
since I said yes.
72
00:02:42,969 --> 00:02:43,984
True.
73
00:02:43,986 --> 00:02:45,152
And your panic
attacks are getting
74
00:02:45,154 --> 00:02:46,487
shorter and further apart.
75
00:02:46,489 --> 00:02:50,491
I can't do this!
I feel like I'm drowning!
76
00:02:50,493 --> 00:02:52,460
Also true.
77
00:02:52,462 --> 00:02:54,194
So I guess we're
officially engaged.
78
00:02:54,196 --> 00:02:55,996
Maybe we should
tell our parents.
79
00:02:55,998 --> 00:02:57,915
I assume my dad already knows--
you did call him
80
00:02:57,917 --> 00:02:58,883
and got his permission, right?
81
00:02:58,885 --> 00:03:00,835
Yeah, yeah, Robin.
82
00:03:00,837 --> 00:03:03,971
I bought you with an ox
and some spices from the East.
83
00:03:03,973 --> 00:03:06,039
Uh, he's gonna put
you in a cage.
84
00:03:06,041 --> 00:03:09,727
and send you on horseback
to my remote desert camp.
85
00:03:09,729 --> 00:03:11,679
Okay, Barney...
Hold on, I'm not done.
86
00:03:11,681 --> 00:03:14,515
Where you'll be bathed
in perfumes and oils
87
00:03:14,517 --> 00:03:16,083
and delivered to my tent.
88
00:03:16,085 --> 00:03:17,651
After you perform
the traditional
89
00:03:17,653 --> 00:03:19,887
Dance of the Seven Veils,
we'll adjourn
90
00:03:19,889 --> 00:03:21,655
to the tiger skin
rug where we'll...
91
00:03:21,657 --> 00:03:23,324
Barney...
Robin!
92
00:03:23,326 --> 00:03:25,443
If we're gonna build
a marriage together,
93
00:03:25,445 --> 00:03:28,496
we have got to stop interrupting
each other all the time.
94
00:03:28,498 --> 00:03:30,131
Fine, finish your story.
95
00:03:30,133 --> 00:03:31,115
Thank you.
96
00:03:32,251 --> 00:03:36,287
Where we'll do it.
97
00:03:36,289 --> 00:03:37,371
Did you ask
for my father's permission?
98
00:03:37,373 --> 00:03:38,622
No, I did not.
99
00:03:38,624 --> 00:03:41,926
So, as some of you know,
my dad is a little scary.
100
00:03:41,928 --> 00:03:45,930
A little? Dude's a
stone cold Slytherin.
101
00:03:45,932 --> 00:03:47,631
He always looks like he
just came from slapping
102
00:03:47,633 --> 00:03:50,267
some guy tied to a
chair in a back room.
103
00:03:50,269 --> 00:03:52,102
Anyway, we go get lunch...
104
00:03:52,104 --> 00:03:54,054
Look, I know I already
told you this,
105
00:03:54,056 --> 00:03:56,924
but my dad is a scary guy.
106
00:03:56,926 --> 00:03:59,760
Please, I think
I can handle...
107
00:04:00,979 --> 00:04:03,030
Oh, vampire in the daylight,
vampire in the daylight!
108
00:04:03,032 --> 00:04:04,482
Oh, my God.
109
00:04:06,385 --> 00:04:07,785
Hello, Robin.
110
00:04:07,787 --> 00:04:09,770
Hello, sir.
111
00:04:09,772 --> 00:04:11,121
Put that thing away,
112
00:04:11,123 --> 00:04:12,740
Give your old man a hug.
113
00:04:15,443 --> 00:04:18,195
And then it got
really scary.
114
00:04:18,197 --> 00:04:19,713
I'm glad you could
meet me here
115
00:04:19,715 --> 00:04:21,882
at my favorite
restaurant.
116
00:04:21,884 --> 00:04:24,335
Carol and I come
here all the time.
117
00:04:24,337 --> 00:04:26,587
I... you...
118
00:04:26,589 --> 00:04:28,889
When... Da...
who's Carol?
119
00:04:28,891 --> 00:04:30,574
Oh, right,
you haven't met Carol, um...
120
00:04:31,844 --> 00:04:33,127
Very special woman.
121
00:04:33,129 --> 00:04:36,046
48 years old, dental
hygienist, no kids.
122
00:04:36,048 --> 00:04:37,898
Likes Zumba.
123
00:04:38,867 --> 00:04:40,684
She's the reason I moved
to New York City.
124
00:04:40,686 --> 00:04:43,237
Eight months ago.
Thanks for the call, by the way.
125
00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:45,305
Well, I figured you knew.
126
00:04:45,307 --> 00:04:46,874
It's on my Facebook page.
127
00:04:46,876 --> 00:04:49,577
You really should respond
to my friend request.
128
00:04:49,579 --> 00:04:52,279
I post a lot of great stuff.
129
00:04:52,281 --> 00:04:53,697
Are you familiar with memes?
130
00:04:53,699 --> 00:04:56,083
There's a cat who says,
131
00:04:56,085 --> 00:04:57,952
"I can has cheeseburger""
132
00:04:57,954 --> 00:05:00,254
Okay, what the hell
happened to you?
133
00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:04,825
Robin, I know in the past,
I have been...
134
00:05:04,827 --> 00:05:06,710
emotionally distant.
135
00:05:06,712 --> 00:05:07,795
But Carol has
136
00:05:07,797 --> 00:05:10,764
brought out a whole
new side of me.
137
00:05:10,766 --> 00:05:13,133
I have a new outlook
on life
138
00:05:13,135 --> 00:05:16,387
a devil-may-care insouciance
that embodies the credo,
139
00:05:16,389 --> 00:05:19,440
"No shirt, no shoes,
no problem."
140
00:05:19,442 --> 00:05:21,559
Robin...
141
00:05:21,561 --> 00:05:22,860
I'm fun now.
142
00:05:22,862 --> 00:05:24,511
Oh, God.
143
00:05:24,513 --> 00:05:26,864
He's fun now?
That does not sound fun.
144
00:05:26,866 --> 00:05:29,283
No child should have to see
a parent go through that.
145
00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:31,318
Well, it probably took
some of the pressure
146
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:32,853
off the Barney of it all.
147
00:05:33,655 --> 00:05:35,122
Sir, hi.
148
00:05:35,124 --> 00:05:37,291
My name
is Barney Stinson.
149
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:39,877
This is Barney?
150
00:05:39,879 --> 00:05:42,212
This man is blond.
151
00:05:42,214 --> 00:05:43,847
Grown men are not blond.
152
00:05:43,849 --> 00:05:44,949
Dad.
153
00:05:44,951 --> 00:05:46,467
Pleased to meet you.
154
00:05:46,469 --> 00:05:49,186
That's a very...
155
00:05:49,188 --> 00:05:51,422
fun hair color.
156
00:05:51,424 --> 00:05:53,057
That's nothing-- when he met me,
his first words were,
157
00:05:53,059 --> 00:05:54,391
"Nice blouse""
You were wearing a blouse.
158
00:05:54,393 --> 00:05:55,809
It was not a blouse!
159
00:05:55,811 --> 00:05:57,061
Oh, great.
You're all here.
160
00:05:57,063 --> 00:05:58,545
Let's talk
about our wedding band.
161
00:05:58,547 --> 00:06:00,631
How much do you guys think
they should rock?
162
00:06:00,633 --> 00:06:01,932
'Cause I vote, a million.
163
00:06:01,934 --> 00:06:05,753
Yeah, yeah, I think we
already settled on a DJ, so...
164
00:06:05,755 --> 00:06:06,854
Lily,
165
00:06:06,856 --> 00:06:07,821
do you remember
the band you guys
166
00:06:07,823 --> 00:06:08,906
almost hired
for your wedding?
167
00:06:08,908 --> 00:06:10,274
Remember them?
168
00:06:10,276 --> 00:06:12,526
I'll call them up
and book them for you.
169
00:06:12,528 --> 00:06:13,611
Just say the word.
170
00:06:13,613 --> 00:06:16,030
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel
like we keep coming back
171
00:06:16,032 --> 00:06:18,065
to this DJ thing.
172
00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:18,999
What do you think, baby?
173
00:06:19,001 --> 00:06:20,200
Yeah, I don't think
174
00:06:20,202 --> 00:06:21,785
anyone should book anything
right now.
175
00:06:21,787 --> 00:06:23,704
Why not?
176
00:06:23,706 --> 00:06:26,640
Well, I am going to go the room
marked "Spaghettis,"
177
00:06:26,642 --> 00:06:28,408
which I'm hoping
is the ladies room.
178
00:06:28,410 --> 00:06:30,461
"Meatballs" has
to be men's, right?
179
00:06:30,463 --> 00:06:31,645
I don't know
what the hell
180
00:06:31,647 --> 00:06:33,263
"Calamaris" is.
181
00:06:38,837 --> 00:06:40,471
Um...
182
00:06:41,556 --> 00:06:42,523
Sir, I-I-I...
183
00:06:42,525 --> 00:06:44,091
Permission denied.
184
00:06:44,093 --> 00:06:45,142
Ooh.
185
00:06:45,144 --> 00:06:47,611
And it turns out,
"spaghettis" are men.
186
00:06:47,613 --> 00:06:50,531
I saw a noodle.
187
00:06:54,619 --> 00:06:55,778
He said no?
188
00:06:55,779 --> 00:06:56,954
Yeah, I don't know
what we're gonna do.
189
00:06:56,972 --> 00:06:59,022
Relax, baby.
I got this.
190
00:06:59,024 --> 00:07:00,690
I know how to be persuasive.
191
00:07:00,692 --> 00:07:02,909
The next day,
Uncle Barney met Robin's dad
192
00:07:02,911 --> 00:07:04,527
for lunch
at the same restaurant.
193
00:07:04,529 --> 00:07:06,496
This time, with a plan.
194
00:07:06,498 --> 00:07:08,298
Hello,
Mr. Scherbatsky.
195
00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:11,334
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
196
00:07:12,119 --> 00:07:14,304
You have my attention.
197
00:07:14,306 --> 00:07:15,672
I left the meatball at home
198
00:07:15,674 --> 00:07:17,791
so I could talk to you
spaghetti to spaghetti.
199
00:07:17,793 --> 00:07:19,109
Sir...
200
00:07:19,111 --> 00:07:21,661
I'm very serious
about marrying your daughter.
201
00:07:21,663 --> 00:07:26,749
Barney, when I wanted
to marry Robin's mother,
202
00:07:26,751 --> 00:07:29,269
I slaughtered
a whole family of bears
203
00:07:29,271 --> 00:07:30,720
with my bare hands.
204
00:07:30,722 --> 00:07:31,921
I gave
205
00:07:31,923 --> 00:07:34,774
the pelts and the bear meat
206
00:07:34,776 --> 00:07:37,277
to her father as tribute.
207
00:07:37,279 --> 00:07:40,480
You know what we call that
in Canada?
208
00:07:40,482 --> 00:07:41,764
Manners.
209
00:07:41,766 --> 00:07:42,765
Would either
210
00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:44,067
of you like a mudslide?
211
00:07:44,069 --> 00:07:45,535
I just had one.
Thank you.
212
00:07:45,537 --> 00:07:46,703
I'll have
213
00:07:46,705 --> 00:07:50,457
a Jazzy Pizzazzy
Razzleberry Rainbow Milkshake
214
00:07:50,459 --> 00:07:52,492
with a swirly straw?
215
00:07:52,494 --> 00:07:54,861
You didn't say the magic word.
216
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,248
I'll go get your drink.
217
00:07:59,534 --> 00:08:00,583
Still crying, huh?
218
00:08:00,585 --> 00:08:02,552
Yeah. We've tried
everything short
219
00:08:02,554 --> 00:08:05,221
of a pack of smokes
and a cup of coffee.
220
00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:07,173
Still nothing but clean dipeys.
221
00:08:07,175 --> 00:08:09,009
There's only one
explanation for this.
222
00:08:09,011 --> 00:08:09,959
Marvin
223
00:08:09,961 --> 00:08:11,261
has potty-trained himself.
224
00:08:11,263 --> 00:08:13,229
He sneaks into the bathroom
while we're sleeping.
225
00:08:13,231 --> 00:08:14,848
I'll ask Barney
to check the tapes.
226
00:08:14,850 --> 00:08:17,100
Barney has cameras
in our bathroom?!
227
00:08:17,102 --> 00:08:19,402
Well, I mean, don't you think?
228
00:08:19,404 --> 00:08:21,688
Hey, guys.
Robin, good.
229
00:08:21,690 --> 00:08:23,490
You're here. Bad news.
230
00:08:23,492 --> 00:08:26,526
That wedding band you wanted
is booked for May 25.
231
00:08:26,528 --> 00:08:29,112
Oh, no. What are you gonna do?
232
00:08:29,114 --> 00:08:31,698
Oh! Oh, hey! Here's an idea.
233
00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:34,034
Oh, God, Ted,
if you suggest a DJ...
234
00:08:34,036 --> 00:08:35,201
Far from it.
235
00:08:35,203 --> 00:08:36,870
I was going to suggest a band.
236
00:08:36,872 --> 00:08:39,489
A band called...
Kool and the Gang.
237
00:08:39,491 --> 00:08:40,924
Robin,
238
00:08:40,926 --> 00:08:42,625
would you like for me
239
00:08:42,627 --> 00:08:45,045
to get Kool and the Gang
to play at your wedding?
240
00:08:45,047 --> 00:08:47,430
Uh... I... yeah, guess so.
241
00:08:47,432 --> 00:08:49,382
And would it be okay
if they invited their friends,
242
00:08:49,384 --> 00:08:51,685
Beyonce and-and ABBA,
243
00:08:51,687 --> 00:08:52,835
and the Bee Gees,
244
00:08:52,837 --> 00:08:54,337
and Journey,
245
00:08:54,339 --> 00:08:55,355
and Queen?
246
00:08:55,357 --> 00:08:56,606
What? You're...?
What are you say...?
247
00:08:56,608 --> 00:08:57,974
How... how is that
even possible?
248
00:08:57,976 --> 00:08:59,275
I'll tell you how.
249
00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:00,777
You hire a DJ.
250
00:09:00,779 --> 00:09:02,445
Wicka-wicka-wicka-burn.
251
00:09:02,447 --> 00:09:03,846
Ugh!
God, this is, like,
252
00:09:03,848 --> 00:09:06,449
the fifteenth time my dad
has sent me a friend request.
253
00:09:06,451 --> 00:09:08,068
I'm just gonna hit "accept."
254
00:09:08,070 --> 00:09:09,619
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, don't do it, Robin.
255
00:09:09,621 --> 00:09:12,572
You don't want to see
what's behind that door.
256
00:09:12,574 --> 00:09:13,740
What are you talking about?
257
00:09:13,742 --> 00:09:15,125
He's talking about
258
00:09:15,127 --> 00:09:19,028
my mom's 2,000-word review
of Fifty Shades of Grey.
259
00:09:19,030 --> 00:09:22,298
And 14 of those words
were "vulva."
260
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:25,468
You're gonna get endless
requests to play some game
261
00:09:25,470 --> 00:09:28,204
that has something to do
with gangsters and farming.
262
00:09:28,206 --> 00:09:30,256
Never mind the embarrassing
cheerleading photos
263
00:09:30,258 --> 00:09:31,591
from high school.
264
00:09:31,593 --> 00:09:34,094
- Begged my mom to burn those.
- Robin,
265
00:09:34,096 --> 00:09:38,181
trust me, no good can come from
accepting that friend request.
266
00:09:38,183 --> 00:09:42,385
Yeah, I-I think I may have given
you guys the wrong impression.
267
00:09:42,387 --> 00:09:43,353
Okay, my dad
268
00:09:43,355 --> 00:09:44,938
is actually not
that bad of a guy.
269
00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:47,657
Do it, Barney.
Squeeze that trigger.
270
00:09:47,659 --> 00:09:49,242
I don't want to do this.
271
00:09:49,244 --> 00:09:51,361
Well, you think I wanted
to kill that bear?
272
00:09:51,363 --> 00:09:53,246
Yeah, kind of.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
273
00:09:54,899 --> 00:09:57,283
I can't do this.
274
00:09:58,570 --> 00:10:00,003
Oh.
275
00:10:00,005 --> 00:10:03,339
What... what the hell is this?!
276
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:04,507
Your dad is crazy!
277
00:10:04,509 --> 00:10:07,510
He wanted me
to kill Fluffernutter!
278
00:10:07,512 --> 00:10:09,179
I told you not
to give him a name!
279
00:10:09,181 --> 00:10:10,513
Well, I did!
280
00:10:10,515 --> 00:10:12,432
I gave him a name
and a backstory!
281
00:10:12,434 --> 00:10:14,100
He comes from a magical
rabbit warren
282
00:10:14,102 --> 00:10:15,385
underneath the old
rusty tractor.
283
00:10:15,387 --> 00:10:17,771
He was the runt of the litter,
but he persevered.
284
00:10:17,773 --> 00:10:20,557
He...
Oh, give me this. Give it to me!
285
00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:22,258
Dad,
286
00:10:22,260 --> 00:10:24,561
is there, um,
something you want to tell me?
287
00:10:25,897 --> 00:10:28,531
Well, in the early '80s,
I did some wet work for the CIA.
288
00:10:28,533 --> 00:10:30,433
Yes, Daddy,
I remember the bedtime stories.
289
00:10:30,435 --> 00:10:32,986
No, I'm, uh, talking
about your Facebook page?
290
00:10:32,988 --> 00:10:34,954
It says you're married.
291
00:10:34,956 --> 00:10:36,873
Well...
292
00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:39,909
yes, uh, Carol and I were
in Key Largo
293
00:10:39,911 --> 00:10:42,745
at a performance of the
recording artist James Buffett.
294
00:10:42,747 --> 00:10:45,448
We're what are known
as Parrotheads.
295
00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:46,349
And, uh,
296
00:10:46,351 --> 00:10:48,451
well, one thing led
297
00:10:48,453 --> 00:10:51,671
to the other, and, uh...
298
00:10:51,673 --> 00:10:53,056
we got married.
299
00:10:53,058 --> 00:10:55,225
You didn't want
to tell me about it?
300
00:10:55,227 --> 00:10:58,178
I Facebooked it...
on Facebook.
301
00:10:58,180 --> 00:10:59,813
Okay, you know what, Dad?
302
00:10:59,815 --> 00:11:02,732
Since you obviously have
no interest in involving me
303
00:11:02,734 --> 00:11:05,185
in your personal life,
I may as well tell you:
304
00:11:05,187 --> 00:11:07,637
Barney and I are
already engaged.
305
00:11:08,689 --> 00:11:10,806
That's right.
306
00:11:10,808 --> 00:11:13,193
I'm behind you
on this, Robin.
307
00:11:13,195 --> 00:11:15,811
Directly behind you.
308
00:11:15,813 --> 00:11:17,113
Anyway, this is happening.
309
00:11:17,115 --> 00:11:19,282
And since I wasn't invited
to your wedding,
310
00:11:19,284 --> 00:11:20,950
you're not invited to mine.
311
00:11:21,902 --> 00:11:22,802
Good-bye.
312
00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:30,877
Oh, no!
313
00:11:30,879 --> 00:11:33,796
Fluffernutter peed
all over my pants!
314
00:11:40,993 --> 00:11:42,493
So, I just called up
315
00:11:42,495 --> 00:11:44,945
that wedding band's road manager
to get the number
316
00:11:44,947 --> 00:11:47,148
of the people who booked them
for the 25th,
317
00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:48,951
so I could bribe them into
giving up the band.
318
00:11:49,308 --> 00:11:51,842
You did what?!
That is so dishonest!
319
00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:54,361
No matter what happens next,
I think we can all agree,
320
00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:56,029
you're in the wrong here,
Lily.
321
00:11:56,031 --> 00:11:57,531
It's your number, Ted.
322
00:11:57,533 --> 00:11:58,849
All right, you got me!
323
00:11:58,851 --> 00:12:01,468
I put a non-refundable
deposit on that band
324
00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,821
to keep Barney and Robin
from booking them.
325
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:06,356
And I would've
gotten away with it
326
00:12:06,358 --> 00:12:08,692
if it wasn't a really stupid
and expensive plan.
327
00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:10,627
Dude, why would you do that?
328
00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:12,546
I don't see
what the big deal is.
329
00:12:12,548 --> 00:12:14,248
The big deal is
Robin deserves better
330
00:12:14,250 --> 00:12:16,216
than some crappy,
unreliable band!
331
00:12:16,218 --> 00:12:17,885
Sure, bands seem cool
332
00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:20,537
with their nice suits and
their well-rehearsed moves,
333
00:12:20,539 --> 00:12:23,674
but let's be honest:
bands let you down.
334
00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,676
They-They cheat, they deceive,
and God knows they've slept
335
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,227
with every girl
in New York City.
336
00:12:27,229 --> 00:12:29,146
I just, I can't believe
337
00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:30,597
Robin is going through
with marrying...
338
00:12:30,599 --> 00:12:33,517
the idea of getting a band.
339
00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:36,487
And that is, that's a perfectly
normal way to phrase that.
340
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:39,389
Okay, Ted, bar. Now.
341
00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:41,441
Nice try.
342
00:12:41,443 --> 00:12:43,110
You're gonna stick
me with that baby
343
00:12:43,112 --> 00:12:45,195
so that you guys
can spend five minutes
344
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:46,530
sorting out
his love life,
345
00:12:46,532 --> 00:12:48,699
followed by an hour
of you getting drunk
346
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:50,834
and pretending to be
in The Departed.
347
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:53,253
You know what?
I'm sorry, Lily, okay?
348
00:12:53,255 --> 00:12:54,538
But I just need to know:
349
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:56,623
Are you a cop?
I'm not a cop!
350
00:12:56,625 --> 00:12:58,642
Are you a cop?
I'm not a cop!
351
00:12:58,644 --> 00:13:00,294
Uh-uh.
352
00:13:00,296 --> 00:13:01,879
I got this.
353
00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:03,246
Ted, you, me, upstairs.
354
00:13:03,248 --> 00:13:04,181
Roof. Now.
355
00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:05,749
What? It's January.
Move!
356
00:13:07,269 --> 00:13:08,602
Let's cut the crap.
357
00:13:08,604 --> 00:13:09,603
We're both freezing--
358
00:13:09,605 --> 00:13:11,254
just say it
and we can go downstairs.
359
00:13:11,256 --> 00:13:12,255
Say what?
360
00:13:12,257 --> 00:13:13,357
Say how much you hate
361
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,475
that Robin and Barney
are getting married.
362
00:13:15,477 --> 00:13:17,477
What? No. I...
363
00:13:17,479 --> 00:13:18,595
I'm happy for them.
364
00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:21,949
I-I encouraged Robin
to go after Barney.
365
00:13:21,951 --> 00:13:24,601
I know-- because you thought
you were okay letting her go.
366
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:26,119
But now that
she's really gone,
367
00:13:26,121 --> 00:13:27,604
it hurts.
368
00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:30,073
Kids, at that point in my life,
369
00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:32,926
I'd been hurt
quite a few times already.
370
00:13:32,928 --> 00:13:35,996
Today, we're gonna braid
friendship bracelets.
371
00:13:40,469 --> 00:13:43,119
♪ I fell in love...
372
00:13:43,121 --> 00:13:46,256
There is a very
simple explana... ah!
373
00:13:46,258 --> 00:13:48,308
This one time,
I was playing tennis, and...
374
00:13:50,629 --> 00:13:51,311
Ooh!
375
00:13:51,313 --> 00:13:53,180
Oh, ow!
Ow!
376
00:13:55,684 --> 00:13:57,184
Hey, Schmosby, remember
when you dookied
377
00:13:57,186 --> 00:13:59,019
in your pants
down by the lake?
378
00:13:59,021 --> 00:14:01,137
Unbelievable!
379
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:10,146
Do you love me?
380
00:14:10,982 --> 00:14:13,533
No.
381
00:14:14,752 --> 00:14:16,837
But when I saw
that text message,
382
00:14:16,839 --> 00:14:19,039
and found out Robin
was engaged,
383
00:14:19,041 --> 00:14:20,207
it was like:
384
00:14:23,762 --> 00:14:24,628
Unbelievable!
385
00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:26,496
No.
386
00:14:26,498 --> 00:14:29,683
...times a million.
387
00:14:29,685 --> 00:14:31,802
I am happy for them.
388
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:34,004
Is all you'll let yourself
say out loud,
389
00:14:34,006 --> 00:14:36,339
because if you said anything
to the contrary, well,
390
00:14:36,341 --> 00:14:37,674
that would make you
391
00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:39,893
the most awful person
on this rooftop.
392
00:14:39,895 --> 00:14:42,396
So, I'm gonna give you an out.
393
00:14:42,398 --> 00:14:44,147
And how are you gonna do that?
394
00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:47,517
By saying something
that is even more awful.
395
00:14:47,519 --> 00:14:49,403
Like what?
396
00:14:50,789 --> 00:14:53,073
Sometimes I wish
I wasn't a mom.
397
00:14:53,075 --> 00:14:55,575
Sometimes I want to pack a bag
398
00:14:55,577 --> 00:14:58,912
and leave in the middle
of the night and not come back.
399
00:15:02,634 --> 00:15:04,635
Robin shouldn't be with Barney,
400
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,369
she should be with me.
401
00:15:14,896 --> 00:15:16,229
You serious?
402
00:15:16,231 --> 00:15:17,597
I don't know.
403
00:15:17,599 --> 00:15:20,600
I mean, I love
being a mom, and...
404
00:15:20,602 --> 00:15:23,320
I love Marvin so much.
405
00:15:23,322 --> 00:15:24,438
But...
406
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:25,722
but do you remember
407
00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:27,491
when I wanted to be an artist?
408
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,493
Art was my whole life.
409
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,911
And-and now it's been months
410
00:15:30,913 --> 00:15:33,246
since I've even
picked up a brush.
411
00:15:33,248 --> 00:15:35,332
I-I spend the whole day
412
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:36,750
taking care of kids at my job,
413
00:15:36,752 --> 00:15:38,835
and I come home
and it's more of the same.
414
00:15:38,837 --> 00:15:40,420
It just...
415
00:15:40,422 --> 00:15:43,040
It never lets up, it...
416
00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:46,793
It's just really,
really hard, Ted.
417
00:15:48,579 --> 00:15:50,914
Have you talked to Marshall
about how you feel?
418
00:15:50,916 --> 00:15:54,301
Have you talked
to Robin about how you feel?
419
00:15:54,303 --> 00:15:56,887
Fair enough.
420
00:15:56,889 --> 00:16:00,607
I just think we have to accept
our lots in life,
421
00:16:00,609 --> 00:16:03,276
and I have to be a mom to a...
422
00:16:03,278 --> 00:16:05,278
a beautiful, wonderful--
423
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:07,197
if slightly constipated--
424
00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:08,865
little boy, and...
425
00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:13,453
you have to let
Robin and Barney get a band.
426
00:16:15,723 --> 00:16:17,741
All right, let's see
what's in this dipey.
427
00:16:17,743 --> 00:16:19,910
Nothing.
428
00:16:21,462 --> 00:16:23,663
Absolutely nothing.
429
00:16:24,882 --> 00:16:26,500
Hey.
430
00:16:26,502 --> 00:16:29,452
Are you finally
giving Daddy a smile?
431
00:16:29,454 --> 00:16:31,421
Oh!
432
00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:32,622
Oh, God!
433
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:34,174
And, no, it wasn't confetti.
434
00:16:34,176 --> 00:16:35,509
Oh!
435
00:16:36,394 --> 00:16:38,562
Oh, God!
436
00:16:39,397 --> 00:16:41,631
Please!
437
00:16:43,317 --> 00:16:45,519
Holy confetti.
438
00:16:47,021 --> 00:16:48,522
That night, Robin agreed
439
00:16:48,524 --> 00:16:50,190
to meet her dad one more time.
440
00:16:50,192 --> 00:16:51,858
Your Dad has something to say.
441
00:16:56,148 --> 00:17:00,751
I'm sorry for getting married
without consulting you.
442
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,153
It was wrong of me.
443
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:04,121
There. Now, Robin...
444
00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:05,338
I know that
no mere
445
00:17:05,340 --> 00:17:07,541
apology will fix this.
446
00:17:08,426 --> 00:17:10,343
And that is why
447
00:17:10,345 --> 00:17:12,328
I've asked Carol for a divorce.
448
00:17:12,830 --> 00:17:13,897
What?!
449
00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:15,882
She's heartbroken,
understandably.
450
00:17:15,884 --> 00:17:17,267
Possibly suicidal.
451
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:18,268
I did not tell him...
452
00:17:18,270 --> 00:17:20,170
But if that's
the price
453
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:22,556
for my daughter's love...
454
00:17:22,558 --> 00:17:25,392
then I will gladly
let Carol pay it.
455
00:17:27,196 --> 00:17:29,512
Was that not what you wanted?
456
00:17:29,514 --> 00:17:32,032
You want to know what I want?
457
00:17:33,068 --> 00:17:35,185
A normal dad. That's all.
458
00:17:36,037 --> 00:17:37,737
I want you to give
this blond guy
459
00:17:37,739 --> 00:17:38,955
permission to marry me.
460
00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:40,874
Come to the wedding,
give me away,
461
00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:43,693
smile in the pictures,
and then...
462
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:46,880
dance with me like a normal dad.
463
00:17:46,882 --> 00:17:49,299
Is that too much to ask?
464
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:50,333
"Of course not.
465
00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:52,836
"Oh, Robin, my darling girl,
466
00:17:52,838 --> 00:17:54,004
"of course
I'll do all stuff.
467
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:56,756
"I love you
and I'm proud of you."
468
00:17:56,758 --> 00:17:58,558
He didn't say that?
469
00:17:58,560 --> 00:17:59,709
No.
470
00:17:59,711 --> 00:18:02,229
Fine. One dance--
471
00:18:02,231 --> 00:18:04,047
"Cheeseburger in Paradise."
472
00:18:04,049 --> 00:18:06,817
And Carol's going to sing it.
473
00:18:07,602 --> 00:18:10,570
Well, see you at the wedding.
474
00:18:10,572 --> 00:18:11,905
But it's kind of amazing.
475
00:18:11,907 --> 00:18:15,458
I mean, he's never apologized
to me in his life.
476
00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:18,228
Barney made it happen.
477
00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:20,163
He must really love me.
478
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:23,166
Well, he'd be crazy not to.
479
00:18:24,785 --> 00:18:26,970
I'm really happy for you guys.
480
00:18:27,638 --> 00:18:28,705
But I still think
481
00:18:28,707 --> 00:18:29,739
you should get a DJ.
482
00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:31,675
Ju-Ju..
For God's sakes, Ted.
483
00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:33,043
Hear me out.
484
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,911
I made a pretty strong case
that night,
485
00:18:34,913 --> 00:18:36,847
but in the end,
she didn't want a DJ.
486
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,098
She wanted a band.
487
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:39,799
And guess what happened.
488
00:18:39,801 --> 00:18:42,469
That's right, the band cancelled
at the last minute,
489
00:18:42,471 --> 00:18:44,020
just like I said they would.
490
00:18:44,022 --> 00:18:46,773
The wedding is in a week,
and no bands.
491
00:18:46,775 --> 00:18:49,759
When will people realize
I always know what's what?
492
00:18:49,761 --> 00:18:52,112
He says to the lesbian
he dated for a month.
493
00:18:52,114 --> 00:18:53,897
That's a fair point.
494
00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:55,098
Anyway, you guys
495
00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:56,233
wouldn't, uh, happen to know
496
00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:57,617
of any good wedding bands
497
00:18:57,619 --> 00:18:59,452
available at the last minute,
would you?
498
00:19:00,238 --> 00:19:02,772
Ted, do you believe
in destiny?
499
00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:04,591
You really don't know me,
do you?
500
00:19:04,593 --> 00:19:06,877
We just had brunch
with my ex-roommate.
501
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:07,861
The bass player?
502
00:19:07,863 --> 00:19:09,445
No, she's not
just a bass player.
503
00:19:09,447 --> 00:19:11,331
She's a bass player
in the best wedding band
504
00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:12,549
in the tri-state area.
505
00:19:12,551 --> 00:19:14,467
They had a gig lined up
for this weekend,
506
00:19:14,469 --> 00:19:16,386
but it just fell through
this morning.
507
00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:19,222
You, my friend, are
gonna save that wedding.
508
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:20,924
Do you know any DJs?
509
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:21,975
Dude, come on.
510
00:19:21,977 --> 00:19:23,677
Let it go, bro.
Just let it go.
511
00:19:23,679 --> 00:19:24,678
All right, all right,
512
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:25,645
all right.
513
00:19:25,647 --> 00:19:26,963
Well, I guess, uh...
514
00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:28,631
Guess it's a lucky thing
I ran into you guys.
515
00:19:28,633 --> 00:19:32,736
And, kids, "lucky" doesn't
even begin to describe it.
516
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:34,988
♪
517
00:19:38,109 --> 00:19:40,911
Because if Barney and Robin
had taken my stupid advice
518
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,163
and hired a DJ...
519
00:19:47,616 --> 00:19:49,933
...I never would have
met your mother.
520
00:19:49,935 --> 00:19:54,935
== sync, corrected by elderman ==