1
00:00:02,950 --> 00:00:04,467
Thanks.
2
00:00:04,469 --> 00:00:06,052
That's weird.
I have a message.
3
00:00:06,726 --> 00:00:08,125
That's weird.
4
00:00:08,127 --> 00:00:09,460
You still have
an answering machine.
5
00:00:11,314 --> 00:00:12,930
Ted, this is the Captain.
6
00:00:12,932 --> 00:00:15,966
Please call me back
at your earliest convenience.
7
00:00:17,316 --> 00:00:19,100
Oh, crap.
8
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:23,102
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x17 ♪
The Ashtray
Original Air Date on February 18, 2013
9
00:00:23,127 --> 00:00:28,127
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
10
00:00:32,251 --> 00:00:33,984
Kids, you remember the Captain.
11
00:00:33,986 --> 00:00:36,087
He was one of the richest men
in New York,
12
00:00:36,089 --> 00:00:38,289
and when I met him,
he was married to Zoey,
13
00:00:38,291 --> 00:00:41,175
who I ended up... befriending.
14
00:00:41,177 --> 00:00:44,262
Oh, man, he seems pissed.
Does he?
15
00:00:44,264 --> 00:00:46,214
Yes. Listen.
16
00:00:46,216 --> 00:00:49,016
Ted, this is the Captain.
17
00:00:49,018 --> 00:00:52,720
Please call me back
at your earliest convenience.
18
00:00:52,722 --> 00:00:54,922
Oh, I hear it now.
19
00:00:54,924 --> 00:00:56,023
What? I don't know.
20
00:00:56,025 --> 00:00:58,008
Listen again.
21
00:00:58,010 --> 00:01:01,512
Ted, this is the Captain.
22
00:01:03,682 --> 00:01:07,235
Please call me back
at your earliest convenience.
23
00:01:07,237 --> 00:01:08,903
He sounds pissed.
24
00:01:08,905 --> 00:01:10,872
Yeah, and I think
I know why.
25
00:01:10,874 --> 00:01:13,157
It has to do
with the last time I saw him.
26
00:01:13,159 --> 00:01:15,793
It was, um... it was, like,
a year and a half ago.
27
00:01:15,795 --> 00:01:18,195
Oh, boy, that was a crazy story.
28
00:01:18,197 --> 00:01:19,797
Oh, boy, yeah.
29
00:01:19,799 --> 00:01:21,866
I remember.
30
00:01:21,868 --> 00:01:22,917
You weren't there.
31
00:01:22,919 --> 00:01:25,136
Ted, bubbeleh.
32
00:01:25,138 --> 00:01:28,038
If you have a crazy story,
I was there.
33
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,924
That's just a law
of the universe.
34
00:01:29,926 --> 00:01:31,058
So what happened?
35
00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:32,426
Well, it was a few weeks
36
00:01:32,428 --> 00:01:35,263
after Zoey and I broke up,
and I was on the rebound,
37
00:01:35,265 --> 00:01:39,083
and I kind of rekindled things
with that girl, Becky.
38
00:01:39,085 --> 00:01:41,853
Becky?
Boats, boats, boats.
39
00:01:41,855 --> 00:01:43,120
Boats, boats, boats!
40
00:01:43,122 --> 00:01:45,473
Boats!
41
00:01:45,475 --> 00:01:47,208
What's this
a commercial for again?
42
00:01:47,210 --> 00:01:49,226
I can't quite...
43
00:01:49,228 --> 00:01:52,062
Boats, boats, boats!
44
00:01:52,064 --> 00:01:53,364
Oh, get a room, you two.
45
00:01:53,366 --> 00:01:54,615
You weren't there.
46
00:01:54,617 --> 00:01:56,233
I was, too.
47
00:01:56,235 --> 00:01:58,336
All right, you were there?
Tell me the story.
48
00:01:58,338 --> 00:01:59,787
I like the way you tell it.
49
00:01:59,789 --> 00:02:01,506
Please, I insist.
50
00:02:01,508 --> 00:02:03,341
Okay, we'll tell it together.
51
00:02:03,343 --> 00:02:05,259
Okay.
52
00:02:05,261 --> 00:02:07,929
Lily...
Lily...
53
00:02:07,931 --> 00:02:09,931
had invited us...
...had invited us...
54
00:02:09,933 --> 00:02:10,932
...to an art...
55
00:02:10,934 --> 00:02:12,884
...Garfunkel concert.
56
00:02:12,886 --> 00:02:14,185
...gallery opening.
57
00:02:14,187 --> 00:02:16,270
An Art Garfunkel
gallery opening concert.
58
00:02:16,272 --> 00:02:18,389
Go on, Ted.
You're doing great.
59
00:02:18,391 --> 00:02:19,390
Anyway,
60
00:02:19,392 --> 00:02:20,775
I get to the gallery...
61
00:02:20,777 --> 00:02:23,277
This place is so fancy.
62
00:02:23,279 --> 00:02:25,446
I hope I don't embarrass myself.
63
00:02:25,448 --> 00:02:26,447
What? Lily, come on.
64
00:02:26,449 --> 00:02:27,982
You got nothing
to be embarrassed about.
65
00:02:27,984 --> 00:02:31,101
Dude, look who it is.
66
00:02:31,103 --> 00:02:32,937
And who should walk in but...
67
00:02:32,939 --> 00:02:35,489
Daddy's home.
68
00:02:35,491 --> 00:02:37,458
Nope.
69
00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:40,628
Well, well, Ted Mosby,
my old nemesis.
70
00:02:40,630 --> 00:02:41,879
What are you doing here?
71
00:02:41,881 --> 00:02:44,949
Um, well, uh,
Lily saw an ad for this...
72
00:02:44,951 --> 00:02:46,083
Gallery?
73
00:02:46,085 --> 00:02:48,786
So we... we came
to check out the...
74
00:02:48,788 --> 00:02:50,254
Artwork.
75
00:02:50,256 --> 00:02:52,557
And then we ran into...
76
00:02:52,559 --> 00:02:53,758
Me.
77
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,393
Man, this guy's so rude.
78
00:02:55,395 --> 00:02:57,461
I mean, I get why he's mad.
79
00:02:57,463 --> 00:03:00,264
I did stick it
to his ex-wife... repeatedly.
80
00:03:00,266 --> 00:03:02,350
Still, he's being a jerk.
81
00:03:02,352 --> 00:03:05,019
Someone needs
to bring him down a peg.
82
00:03:05,021 --> 00:03:06,804
I'm sorry. Where are my...
83
00:03:06,806 --> 00:03:08,689
Manners.
84
00:03:08,691 --> 00:03:11,158
That's how that feels.
85
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,410
This is my art
consultant.
86
00:03:12,412 --> 00:03:13,945
Shelly.
87
00:03:13,947 --> 00:03:15,780
Art consultant? What's that?
88
00:03:15,782 --> 00:03:17,365
Oh, Shelly helps the Captain
89
00:03:17,367 --> 00:03:19,116
select artwork
based on its aesthetic appeal
90
00:03:19,118 --> 00:03:21,335
and value
as an investment.
91
00:03:21,337 --> 00:03:23,955
That's why I think
she's gonna love
92
00:03:23,957 --> 00:03:25,489
this elephant painting.
93
00:03:25,491 --> 00:03:28,325
I think this artist
is going places.
94
00:03:28,327 --> 00:03:29,427
Well, I should go.
95
00:03:29,429 --> 00:03:31,262
Captain, we'll
talk tomorrow?
96
00:03:31,264 --> 00:03:32,763
At ease.
97
00:03:32,765 --> 00:03:34,882
Hey, if you like art,
98
00:03:34,884 --> 00:03:36,851
you should see the painting
I just acquired.
99
00:03:36,853 --> 00:03:39,103
It's in my apartment
just upstairs.
100
00:03:39,938 --> 00:03:43,941
It's gonna blow you away.
101
00:03:45,277 --> 00:03:47,228
Anyone with this kind
of ashtray money
102
00:03:47,230 --> 00:03:49,730
probably has an island
where he hunts people.
103
00:03:49,732 --> 00:03:51,949
Probably somewhere
in the Caribbean.
104
00:03:51,951 --> 00:03:55,119
I bet there's good snorkeling.
105
00:03:56,989 --> 00:03:58,689
Hello, my darling,
106
00:03:58,691 --> 00:04:02,126
my one true love, my everything.
107
00:04:02,128 --> 00:04:03,327
So, who wants to see
108
00:04:03,329 --> 00:04:04,962
that painting?
109
00:04:04,964 --> 00:04:06,831
Okay, Captain, we know why
110
00:04:06,833 --> 00:04:08,165
you brought us up here.
It's, uh...
111
00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:09,634
it's about me and Zoey.
112
00:04:09,636 --> 00:04:11,002
Ted,
113
00:04:11,004 --> 00:04:14,371
if you've got something
to say,
114
00:04:14,373 --> 00:04:16,474
say it.
115
00:04:16,476 --> 00:04:17,675
A harpoon gun?
116
00:04:17,677 --> 00:04:19,727
A double-barreled
harpoon gun.
117
00:04:19,729 --> 00:04:21,429
One barrel.
118
00:04:21,431 --> 00:04:22,513
With a scope.
119
00:04:22,515 --> 00:04:24,181
No scope.
120
00:04:24,183 --> 00:04:26,267
I know you're upset, Captain,
but I promise you
121
00:04:26,269 --> 00:04:27,685
nothing happened
between me and Zoey
122
00:04:27,687 --> 00:04:29,186
until after you guys
split up, okay?
123
00:04:29,188 --> 00:04:30,321
So let's...
124
00:04:30,323 --> 00:04:32,857
Let's please,
just-just-just put this down.
125
00:04:32,859 --> 00:04:36,027
Okay? Okay,
oh, there we go.
126
00:04:36,029 --> 00:04:38,395
Look, Ted,
127
00:04:38,397 --> 00:04:39,497
I'm not mad at you.
128
00:04:39,499 --> 00:04:40,948
The truth is
I'm in love
129
00:04:40,950 --> 00:04:43,117
with somebody else now,
so we're fine.
130
00:04:43,119 --> 00:04:47,004
Just don't steal this one
from me, too, okay?
131
00:04:47,572 --> 00:04:48,789
Okay?
132
00:04:48,791 --> 00:04:50,207
Of course.
133
00:04:50,209 --> 00:04:52,910
I promise.
Okay.
134
00:04:52,912 --> 00:04:54,545
But that got me thinking.
135
00:04:54,547 --> 00:04:56,213
Who was this new
lady in his life?
136
00:04:56,215 --> 00:04:58,916
I-I had this weird
sinking feeling.
137
00:04:58,918 --> 00:05:00,351
We both did.
138
00:05:00,353 --> 00:05:01,352
I had to see that picture.
139
00:05:01,354 --> 00:05:03,270
So I waited until everyone
140
00:05:03,272 --> 00:05:05,756
was out of the room, and then...
141
00:05:15,317 --> 00:05:16,984
Boats, boats, boats!
142
00:05:16,986 --> 00:05:18,235
No.
143
00:05:18,237 --> 00:05:21,122
No...!
144
00:05:21,124 --> 00:05:23,908
She's "boats, boats, boats,"
and he's the Captain.
145
00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:25,626
That's sweet;
I'm happy for those two.
146
00:05:25,628 --> 00:05:26,994
Ted, you suck.
147
00:05:29,132 --> 00:05:31,032
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
148
00:05:31,034 --> 00:05:32,633
It's him, it's him.
What do I do?
149
00:05:32,635 --> 00:05:34,135
What do I do?
Ted, wait a second.
150
00:05:34,137 --> 00:05:36,337
What do I do?
Wait a second. Wait a second!
151
00:05:36,339 --> 00:05:39,790
Hey, is there any chance
that he is calling
152
00:05:39,792 --> 00:05:42,810
to invite the three of
us out on his boat?
153
00:05:42,812 --> 00:05:45,679
Uh, I don't know,
maybe like one percent.
154
00:05:45,681 --> 00:05:48,298
Ted's phone. Hold for Ted.
155
00:05:49,801 --> 00:05:51,352
Hello.
156
00:05:51,354 --> 00:05:53,020
Ted, I'm gonna
ask you something,
157
00:05:53,022 --> 00:05:56,440
and I want you
to be completely honest.
158
00:05:56,442 --> 00:05:59,110
What's your friend
Robin's number?
159
00:05:59,112 --> 00:06:00,494
What?
160
00:06:00,496 --> 00:06:02,663
Ted, ask about the boat.
161
00:06:07,294 --> 00:06:09,514
Uh, Captain, can...
can I put you on hold?
162
00:06:09,714 --> 00:06:11,013
Affirmative.
163
00:06:12,367 --> 00:06:14,585
He wants Robin's number.
164
00:06:14,587 --> 00:06:15,870
Should I give it to him?
165
00:06:15,872 --> 00:06:18,172
Is he trying to hook up
with my fiancée?
166
00:06:18,174 --> 00:06:19,540
No, uh-uh.
167
00:06:19,542 --> 00:06:20,774
The only way that's happening
168
00:06:20,776 --> 00:06:22,910
is if I get to hook up
with someone, too.
169
00:06:22,912 --> 00:06:24,512
Wait a second... No.
170
00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:26,780
Unless... Absolutely not.
171
00:06:26,782 --> 00:06:28,215
However... Forget it.
172
00:06:28,217 --> 00:06:29,800
On the other hand... Ixnay!
173
00:06:29,802 --> 00:06:32,937
Guys, guys,
I got to make a decision here.
174
00:06:32,939 --> 00:06:34,805
Okay, you know
what, I say do it.
175
00:06:34,807 --> 00:06:36,056
If it is a booty call,
176
00:06:36,058 --> 00:06:37,525
then Robin will just
let him down easy,
177
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:39,593
but in the meantime, Ted is back
on the Captain's good side.
178
00:06:39,595 --> 00:06:42,029
We all get to go out on his
boat; I get to steer it.
179
00:06:42,031 --> 00:06:43,263
Everybody wins.
180
00:06:43,265 --> 00:06:44,598
Okay.
181
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,700
Fine. Give him her number.
182
00:06:46,702 --> 00:06:48,101
You don't think she'll mind?
183
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:49,236
I don't think she'll mind.
184
00:06:49,238 --> 00:06:51,222
You gave the Captain my number?
185
00:06:51,224 --> 00:06:52,406
She minds.
186
00:06:52,408 --> 00:06:53,941
Do you not remember that night
187
00:06:53,943 --> 00:06:56,610
we hung out with him
at the art show?
188
00:06:56,612 --> 00:06:58,045
Oh, right, of course
you don't remember
189
00:06:58,047 --> 00:06:59,246
because,
earlier that night,
190
00:06:59,248 --> 00:07:01,248
you shared a big,
fat sandwich with Becky.
191
00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:03,784
Boats, boats, boats!
192
00:07:03,786 --> 00:07:07,254
What's this
a commercial for again?
193
00:07:07,256 --> 00:07:08,422
Yeah, so?
194
00:07:08,424 --> 00:07:10,558
I hardly think that
changes the story.
195
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,393
Mmm. Mmm.
196
00:07:12,395 --> 00:07:13,594
Delicious!
197
00:07:13,596 --> 00:07:16,313
This place is so fancy.
198
00:07:16,315 --> 00:07:18,232
I hope I don't embarrass myself.
199
00:07:18,234 --> 00:07:19,400
Oh, come on, Lily.
200
00:07:19,402 --> 00:07:21,301
You got nothing
to be embarrassed about.
201
00:07:24,406 --> 00:07:25,906
Dude, look who's here.
202
00:07:25,908 --> 00:07:27,307
Daddy's home.
203
00:07:29,261 --> 00:07:31,612
Nope.
Nope.
204
00:07:31,614 --> 00:07:32,580
Well, well.
205
00:07:33,616 --> 00:07:35,249
Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.
206
00:07:35,251 --> 00:07:36,450
What are you doing here?
207
00:07:36,452 --> 00:07:39,753
Well, Lily...
208
00:07:39,755 --> 00:07:42,706
saw an ad for this...
209
00:07:46,678 --> 00:07:48,462
Gallery.
210
00:07:50,265 --> 00:07:52,266
So we thought we'd, um...
211
00:07:52,268 --> 00:07:54,468
come and check out the...
212
00:07:57,689 --> 00:07:59,223
Artwork?
213
00:08:02,277 --> 00:08:05,980
And then we ran into...
214
00:08:08,817 --> 00:08:10,067
Me?
215
00:08:10,069 --> 00:08:12,019
And the Captain
wasn't glaring at you.
216
00:08:12,021 --> 00:08:13,654
He couldn't take
his eyes off...
217
00:08:13,656 --> 00:08:15,188
Hey, nice to see you again.
218
00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:16,407
Yeah, you, too.
219
00:08:16,409 --> 00:08:17,708
Oh.
220
00:08:17,710 --> 00:08:19,994
Man, this guy is so rude.
221
00:08:19,996 --> 00:08:21,462
I mean, I get
why he's upset.
222
00:08:21,464 --> 00:08:25,532
I did stick it
to his ex-wife... repeatedly.
223
00:08:25,534 --> 00:08:27,384
Still,
224
00:08:27,386 --> 00:08:28,585
the guy's being a jerk.
225
00:08:28,587 --> 00:08:30,921
Someone needs
to take him down a peg.
226
00:08:30,923 --> 00:08:32,723
Sorry.
227
00:08:32,725 --> 00:08:34,475
Where are my manners?
228
00:08:34,477 --> 00:08:36,810
This is Shelly,
my art consultant.
229
00:08:36,812 --> 00:08:38,479
Art consultant?
What's that?
230
00:08:38,481 --> 00:08:40,597
Shelly helps the Captain
select artwork
231
00:08:40,599 --> 00:08:41,882
based on aesthetic...
232
00:08:41,884 --> 00:08:43,684
Manners!
233
00:08:43,686 --> 00:08:46,270
That's how that feels.
234
00:08:48,723 --> 00:08:51,025
...appeal
235
00:08:51,027 --> 00:08:53,410
and value
as an investment,
236
00:08:53,412 --> 00:08:55,228
and that's why I think
she's gonna love
237
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:56,530
this elephant painting.
238
00:08:56,532 --> 00:08:59,783
I think this artist
is going places.
239
00:09:00,669 --> 00:09:02,252
Well, I should go.
240
00:09:02,254 --> 00:09:05,289
Captain, we'll
talk tomorrow.
241
00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:08,092
If you like art,
242
00:09:08,094 --> 00:09:11,045
you should see the painting
I just acquired.
243
00:09:12,213 --> 00:09:16,717
It's gonna blow you away.
244
00:09:17,635 --> 00:09:19,753
Snorkeling.
245
00:09:19,755 --> 00:09:21,772
Then, after I saved you
from destroying
246
00:09:21,774 --> 00:09:23,256
a priceless crystal ashtray...
247
00:09:23,258 --> 00:09:25,142
You're welcome.
248
00:09:26,144 --> 00:09:27,478
Hello, my darling,
249
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,314
my one true love, my everything.
250
00:09:30,316 --> 00:09:32,900
Ahoy?
251
00:09:34,786 --> 00:09:36,653
So who wants to see
that painting?
252
00:09:36,655 --> 00:09:38,989
Okay, Captain.
253
00:09:38,991 --> 00:09:41,959
We all know why
you brought us up here.
254
00:09:41,961 --> 00:09:45,212
This is about me and, um...
255
00:09:45,214 --> 00:09:47,131
Zoey.
256
00:09:47,133 --> 00:09:49,333
All right, Ted.
257
00:09:49,335 --> 00:09:50,951
If you've got something to say,
258
00:09:50,953 --> 00:09:53,637
say it.
259
00:09:53,639 --> 00:09:55,005
Whoa, whoa.
260
00:09:55,007 --> 00:09:56,123
A remote control?
261
00:09:56,125 --> 00:09:57,290
A remote control.
262
00:09:58,292 --> 00:09:59,760
Let's relax.
263
00:09:59,762 --> 00:10:02,229
I-I know you're upset, Captain.
264
00:10:02,231 --> 00:10:04,264
I-I just...
I want to assure you
265
00:10:04,266 --> 00:10:06,166
nothing happened
between me and Zoey
266
00:10:06,168 --> 00:10:08,268
until after you
guys had split up.
267
00:10:08,270 --> 00:10:10,104
So let's just...
let's just...
268
00:10:10,106 --> 00:10:11,939
let's put this down.
269
00:10:11,941 --> 00:10:15,475
Okay, okay.
270
00:10:15,477 --> 00:10:17,644
There we go.
271
00:10:19,147 --> 00:10:21,615
Ted, I'm not mad at you.
272
00:10:21,617 --> 00:10:22,916
Truth is, I'm in love
273
00:10:22,918 --> 00:10:25,819
with somebody else now.
274
00:10:27,321 --> 00:10:29,790
So he invited me back
to his bedroom
275
00:10:29,792 --> 00:10:31,875
to show me
this painting, and...
276
00:10:32,761 --> 00:10:34,128
Finally.
277
00:10:34,130 --> 00:10:35,629
We're alone.
278
00:10:35,631 --> 00:10:37,264
Robin, no, I don't want
279
00:10:37,266 --> 00:10:38,882
to picture that.
Nothing happened.
280
00:10:38,884 --> 00:10:41,435
Aw, that means hand stuff.
What?
281
00:10:41,437 --> 00:10:42,603
No.
282
00:10:42,605 --> 00:10:44,354
I'm serious--
he was on the rebound.
283
00:10:44,356 --> 00:10:48,025
I told him to take some time
to pull himself together and...
284
00:10:48,027 --> 00:10:49,860
call me in a year
and a half.
285
00:10:49,862 --> 00:10:51,528
Ah, great.
286
00:10:51,530 --> 00:10:52,863
What if he asks you out?
287
00:10:52,865 --> 00:10:55,449
What does that mean
for our relationship?
288
00:10:55,451 --> 00:10:58,535
What, are we planning to be
in some super-enlightened,
289
00:10:58,537 --> 00:11:00,287
forward-thinking marriage,
290
00:11:00,289 --> 00:11:03,157
where we don't get hung
up on the suffocating
291
00:11:03,159 --> 00:11:05,576
and outdated principles
of monogamy,
292
00:11:05,578 --> 00:11:06,910
and instead enjoy
293
00:11:06,912 --> 00:11:08,579
the company of
multiple partners,
294
00:11:08,581 --> 00:11:12,365
sometimes bringing said
partners into our marital bed,
295
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:14,534
but just girls, not dudes,
296
00:11:14,536 --> 00:11:16,670
except maybe one time just
to see what that's like?
297
00:11:16,672 --> 00:11:19,206
I mean, is that
what you want?
298
00:11:19,891 --> 00:11:21,141
No.
299
00:11:21,143 --> 00:11:23,177
Okay.
300
00:11:23,179 --> 00:11:25,179
Me, neither!
301
00:11:25,181 --> 00:11:27,598
Okay, Robin, look,
you-you need to call the Captain
302
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,067
and let him down easy, okay?
303
00:11:30,069 --> 00:11:32,236
Let him move on
with his life.
304
00:11:32,238 --> 00:11:35,388
Let him go out on his boat
with his old friends,
305
00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:37,741
maybe some new friends.
306
00:11:37,743 --> 00:11:41,028
Maybe let one of those
new friends steer the boat.
307
00:11:41,030 --> 00:11:44,081
Just so that one
of them could say,
308
00:11:44,083 --> 00:11:47,201
"Iceberg straighthead!"
309
00:11:47,203 --> 00:11:49,203
Fine.
310
00:11:52,290 --> 00:11:54,041
Ahoy.
311
00:11:54,043 --> 00:11:56,409
Hi. Captain, it's Robin.
312
00:11:57,128 --> 00:11:57,961
Ahoy.
313
00:11:57,963 --> 00:11:59,513
Uh, look,
314
00:11:59,515 --> 00:12:01,431
I, uh, have to be
upfront with you.
315
00:12:01,433 --> 00:12:02,799
I'm engaged.
316
00:12:02,801 --> 00:12:04,918
Engaged? I thought you
were married to Marshall.
317
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:07,104
This is Robin right?
318
00:12:07,106 --> 00:12:08,438
The redheaded
kindergarten teacher
319
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,507
who wore the gray dress
and the blue shoes
320
00:12:10,509 --> 00:12:11,859
to that art show?
321
00:12:11,861 --> 00:12:13,560
Can you please
hold a moment?
322
00:12:13,562 --> 00:12:14,895
Dropping anchor.
323
00:12:16,064 --> 00:12:18,198
He's looking for Lily.
324
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,150
Should I give him
her number?
325
00:12:20,152 --> 00:12:22,619
Yeah. We've already
discussed it.
326
00:12:22,621 --> 00:12:24,604
It's $4 million cash.
327
00:12:25,439 --> 00:12:26,657
Oh, her phone number.
328
00:12:26,659 --> 00:12:28,275
Yes, I don't think
she'll mind.
329
00:12:28,277 --> 00:12:30,627
You gave the Captain my number?
330
00:12:30,629 --> 00:12:32,880
She minds.
331
00:12:33,715 --> 00:12:35,582
It finally happened.
332
00:12:35,584 --> 00:12:38,135
My past finally caught up
with me.
333
00:12:38,137 --> 00:12:39,253
Oh, God.
334
00:12:39,255 --> 00:12:40,921
Lily, if you tell me that you
335
00:12:40,923 --> 00:12:42,756
slept with the Captain
for anything under 2.8,
336
00:12:42,758 --> 00:12:45,292
which we agreed was as low
as we were going to go...
337
00:12:45,294 --> 00:12:47,427
No, it's nothing like that.
338
00:12:47,429 --> 00:12:50,630
Do you guys remember the
last time we saw the Captain?
339
00:12:50,632 --> 00:12:52,065
- Yes.
- Oh, right.
340
00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:54,835
Of course you don't.
Barney, you weren't there.
341
00:12:54,837 --> 00:12:57,020
Ted, you had just floated out
of a Snoop Dogg B-side.
342
00:12:57,022 --> 00:12:59,156
And, Robin,
you had just come from that
343
00:12:59,158 --> 00:13:01,275
big meeting that ran long.
344
00:13:07,482 --> 00:13:10,150
Delicious. Shrimpy for me.
345
00:13:10,152 --> 00:13:11,952
This place
is so fancy.
346
00:13:11,954 --> 00:13:14,538
I hope I don't
embarrass myself.
347
00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:17,758
Come on, Lily, you have nothing
to be embarrassed about.
348
00:13:19,544 --> 00:13:20,794
Dude!
349
00:13:20,796 --> 00:13:22,329
Look who's here!
350
00:13:22,331 --> 00:13:23,380
Daddy's...
351
00:13:23,382 --> 00:13:25,716
Nope.
Nope.
352
00:13:25,718 --> 00:13:27,484
Well, well.
353
00:13:27,486 --> 00:13:29,219
Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.
354
00:13:29,221 --> 00:13:32,222
Hello, sailor.
355
00:13:32,224 --> 00:13:33,390
No!
356
00:13:33,392 --> 00:13:36,944
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
357
00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:39,730
Okay, yeah,
that's what happened.
358
00:13:39,732 --> 00:13:42,149
This is Shelly,
my art consultant.
359
00:13:43,118 --> 00:13:44,618
Art consultant!
360
00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:46,436
What's that?
361
00:13:46,438 --> 00:13:48,188
Shelly helps the Captain
select artwork
362
00:13:48,190 --> 00:13:50,240
based on its aesthetic appeal
363
00:13:50,242 --> 00:13:52,025
and its value
as an investment,
364
00:13:52,027 --> 00:13:54,494
which is why I think
she's gonna love
365
00:13:54,496 --> 00:13:55,862
this elephant painting.
366
00:13:55,864 --> 00:13:59,583
I think this artist
is going places.
367
00:13:59,585 --> 00:14:02,419
You'd have to be a real Dumbo
not to enjoy this painting.
368
00:14:02,421 --> 00:14:03,387
Get it?
369
00:14:03,389 --> 00:14:04,921
'Cause he's an elephant?
370
00:14:04,923 --> 00:14:08,475
Your sense of humor is as
good as your taste in art.
371
00:14:08,477 --> 00:14:10,344
Captain?
372
00:14:10,346 --> 00:14:11,711
We'll talk tomorrow?
373
00:14:13,264 --> 00:14:14,648
If you like art,
374
00:14:14,650 --> 00:14:16,683
you should see the painting
I just acquired.
375
00:14:16,685 --> 00:14:17,734
It's in my...
376
00:14:17,736 --> 00:14:19,403
Manners.
377
00:14:19,405 --> 00:14:21,221
That's how that feels.
378
00:14:24,192 --> 00:14:27,160
In my apartment right upstairs.
379
00:14:27,162 --> 00:14:29,363
It's gonna blow you away.
380
00:14:29,365 --> 00:14:31,581
Snorkeling.
381
00:14:31,583 --> 00:14:34,167
Then, after I saved you
from destroying
382
00:14:34,169 --> 00:14:35,502
a priceless crystal ashtray...
383
00:14:35,504 --> 00:14:36,953
You're welcome.
384
00:14:39,707 --> 00:14:42,575
Hello, my darling,
my one true love, my everything.
385
00:14:45,096 --> 00:14:48,849
So, who wants
to see that painting?
386
00:14:48,851 --> 00:14:50,967
Ooh, if you
show me yours,
387
00:14:50,969 --> 00:14:53,420
I'll show you mine.
388
00:14:53,422 --> 00:14:55,422
So we check out the painting.
389
00:14:55,424 --> 00:14:57,674
Huh. You know,
390
00:14:57,676 --> 00:15:00,027
that elephant painting
would look nice in here.
391
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,561
You're looking at a masterpiece,
392
00:15:01,563 --> 00:15:04,031
and you're talking
about some elephant painting?
393
00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:06,983
No...!
394
00:15:06,985 --> 00:15:10,120
Oh, this one's nice, too.
395
00:15:10,122 --> 00:15:13,156
I just like
the elephant painting better.
396
00:15:13,158 --> 00:15:17,711
You know, it doesn't matter
what you like.
397
00:15:17,713 --> 00:15:20,213
You're just
a kindergarten teacher.
398
00:15:21,466 --> 00:15:23,717
Ah, finally we're alone.
399
00:15:31,093 --> 00:15:33,310
Oh, no, Lily, what did you do?
400
00:15:33,312 --> 00:15:35,162
He was a jerk--
he deserved to have
401
00:15:35,164 --> 00:15:37,347
that precious painting stolen.
402
00:15:37,349 --> 00:15:39,066
Oh, God, Lily, you didn't...?
403
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:40,600
Of course I didn't.
404
00:15:41,402 --> 00:15:43,687
I stole this ashtray instead.
405
00:15:48,136 --> 00:15:50,431
Lily!
Hey, you know the rules.
406
00:15:50,531 --> 00:15:53,699
You misbehave, I take away
one of your toys.
407
00:15:53,701 --> 00:15:55,417
Aldrin Justice, baby.
408
00:15:55,419 --> 00:15:57,136
So you're telling me
that that ashtray
409
00:15:57,138 --> 00:15:58,570
that's been in our apartment
410
00:15:58,572 --> 00:16:00,172
for over a year and a half
411
00:16:00,174 --> 00:16:02,458
is not only stolen,
but also very expensive.
412
00:16:02,460 --> 00:16:04,293
Both of those things-- yes.
413
00:16:04,295 --> 00:16:06,795
Guys, can you leave us alone
for a minute, please?
414
00:16:06,797 --> 00:16:08,797
Ooh, they're gonna do it.
415
00:16:08,799 --> 00:16:10,049
No, we're gonna fight.
416
00:16:11,051 --> 00:16:13,385
And then maybe afterwards
we'll do it.
417
00:16:14,771 --> 00:16:16,005
I can't believe
418
00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:17,356
that was the same ashtray.
419
00:16:17,358 --> 00:16:18,941
I should've recognized it.
420
00:16:18,943 --> 00:16:20,943
I know-- me, too.
421
00:16:20,945 --> 00:16:22,761
Barney, you weren't there.
422
00:16:22,763 --> 00:16:25,263
Why is it so important that
you be part of this story?
423
00:16:25,265 --> 00:16:28,033
Because crazy stories
are my thing.
424
00:16:28,035 --> 00:16:29,485
You have architecture,
425
00:16:29,487 --> 00:16:30,619
Marshall has the law,
426
00:16:30,621 --> 00:16:31,820
Lily has art,
427
00:16:31,822 --> 00:16:33,656
Robin has pleasing
me sexually.
428
00:16:33,658 --> 00:16:36,075
You all have a passion
that drives you.
429
00:16:36,077 --> 00:16:37,943
Well, if I have a passion,
it's taking life
430
00:16:37,945 --> 00:16:40,329
and turning it into a
series of crazy stories.
431
00:16:40,331 --> 00:16:43,082
If you can do that
without me, then...
432
00:16:43,084 --> 00:16:46,385
I don't even know
who I am anymore.
433
00:16:49,622 --> 00:16:50,923
You know what, Barney?
434
00:16:50,925 --> 00:16:53,425
Now that I think about it,
435
00:16:53,427 --> 00:16:54,793
you were there.
436
00:16:54,795 --> 00:16:55,728
That's right, you were.
437
00:16:55,730 --> 00:16:56,762
I was?
Yeah.
438
00:16:56,764 --> 00:16:58,296
I mean, I know I was.
439
00:16:58,298 --> 00:17:00,849
That's what I'm
saying, guys.
440
00:17:00,851 --> 00:17:04,603
We just, uh... we just didn't
realize it because...
441
00:17:04,605 --> 00:17:06,405
you were in disguise.
442
00:17:06,407 --> 00:17:07,690
Yeah, you were doing, uh,
443
00:17:07,692 --> 00:17:09,408
one of your plays
from the playbook.
444
00:17:09,410 --> 00:17:11,577
On Shelly, the art consultant.
445
00:17:11,579 --> 00:17:14,279
Yes, it was, uh, some play
that had to do with art...
446
00:17:14,281 --> 00:17:16,982
The Royal Archduke
of Grand Fenwick?
447
00:17:16,984 --> 00:17:18,584
A simple play
you can do
448
00:17:18,586 --> 00:17:20,836
using two everyday
household objects--
449
00:17:20,838 --> 00:17:22,154
a Prussian
military costume
450
00:17:22,156 --> 00:17:23,672
and an oil painting
of yourself?
451
00:17:23,674 --> 00:17:26,542
That's the one,
and it worked on Shelly.
452
00:17:27,377 --> 00:17:28,827
I totally nailed her!
453
00:17:28,829 --> 00:17:31,463
And then I nailed her sister
who was even hotter.
454
00:17:33,050 --> 00:17:35,184
Good times.
455
00:17:35,186 --> 00:17:37,335
You are gonna return that
ashtray, and you're gonna pray
456
00:17:37,337 --> 00:17:39,438
that he doesn't press charges,
because I can't be
457
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,506
in a marriage where
one of us is in prison.
458
00:17:41,508 --> 00:17:43,392
I know that we role-play
conjugal visits a lot,
459
00:17:43,394 --> 00:17:45,394
but I can't do that
for realsies.
460
00:17:45,396 --> 00:17:47,179
I'm sorry--
all rulings are final.
461
00:17:47,181 --> 00:17:48,747
I am not taking it back.
462
00:17:48,749 --> 00:17:50,365
Oh, my God!
463
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:51,450
Lily,
464
00:17:51,452 --> 00:17:53,118
what is the big deal?
465
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:54,369
Okay, so what?
466
00:17:54,371 --> 00:17:56,371
So he said you're just
a kindergarten teacher.
467
00:17:56,373 --> 00:17:57,906
Why do you let that bother you?
468
00:17:57,908 --> 00:17:59,208
Because he was right.
469
00:17:59,210 --> 00:18:01,326
I am just
a kindergarten teacher.
470
00:18:01,328 --> 00:18:02,961
And, yes,
I have a degree
471
00:18:02,963 --> 00:18:05,581
in art history and I was meant
to do something with it,
472
00:18:05,583 --> 00:18:06,832
but I didn't.
473
00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:08,200
Somewhere along
the line,
474
00:18:08,202 --> 00:18:10,803
I forgot to pursue
my dream, and...
475
00:18:10,805 --> 00:18:14,423
and now I'm old and I'm a mom
and it's just too late for me.
476
00:18:14,425 --> 00:18:15,758
Lily, okay, okay.
477
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,375
It's too late.
No, no, no, it's not too...
478
00:18:17,377 --> 00:18:18,844
it's not too late.
479
00:18:18,846 --> 00:18:20,729
You're gonna quit
your job tomorrow,
480
00:18:20,731 --> 00:18:23,649
and you're gonna...
you're gonna go back and pick up
481
00:18:23,651 --> 00:18:25,818
right where you left off
with that art stuff.
482
00:18:25,820 --> 00:18:27,385
And then you know what?
483
00:18:27,387 --> 00:18:30,606
I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'm
gonna punch her in the face.
484
00:18:30,608 --> 00:18:32,825
I am-- I'm gonna
punch a girl...
485
00:18:32,827 --> 00:18:34,726
and run away.
486
00:18:34,728 --> 00:18:37,279
Look.
487
00:18:37,281 --> 00:18:38,997
I promise you,
488
00:18:38,999 --> 00:18:42,251
your best
and your most exciting days
489
00:18:42,253 --> 00:18:44,419
are all ahead of you.
490
00:18:45,238 --> 00:18:49,107
I love you so much
for saying that,
491
00:18:49,109 --> 00:18:51,927
but there gets to be
a point in life
492
00:18:51,929 --> 00:18:55,013
where that just
stops being true.
493
00:18:56,182 --> 00:18:59,051
I'm sorry I stole this.
494
00:18:59,053 --> 00:19:00,853
I'll return it
first thing tomorrow.
495
00:19:00,855 --> 00:19:03,272
And so the next day,
Lily returned
496
00:19:03,274 --> 00:19:05,057
to the Captain's apartment.
497
00:19:05,059 --> 00:19:06,558
Well, how about that.
498
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,393
I didn't even realize
it was gone.
499
00:19:08,395 --> 00:19:10,946
No harm done.
500
00:19:10,948 --> 00:19:13,732
Wait, if you weren't calling
about the ashtray,
501
00:19:13,734 --> 00:19:15,484
then why'd you want to see me?
502
00:19:15,486 --> 00:19:16,869
Follow me.
503
00:19:20,773 --> 00:19:22,207
Oh, my gosh.
504
00:19:22,209 --> 00:19:24,877
Yep, that night,
I ducked back down
505
00:19:24,879 --> 00:19:26,578
into the gallery and bought it.
506
00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:28,280
Shelly didn't stop you?
507
00:19:28,282 --> 00:19:31,083
Shelly was off with some
archduke she met at the party.
508
00:19:31,085 --> 00:19:33,468
No, I just... well,
509
00:19:33,470 --> 00:19:36,004
I liked what you said
about how you just liked it.
510
00:19:36,006 --> 00:19:37,756
I still do.
511
00:19:37,758 --> 00:19:39,892
Me, too.
512
00:19:39,894 --> 00:19:41,791
Anyway, I just sold
it for $4 million.
513
00:19:41,816 --> 00:19:42,679
What?
514
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,097
In the year and a half
since I bought this piece,
515
00:19:45,099 --> 00:19:48,066
the artist has turned into
a huge star in the art world.
516
00:19:48,068 --> 00:19:50,102
The next Basquiat,
they're saying.
517
00:19:50,104 --> 00:19:51,987
And nobody saw it coming
except you.
518
00:19:51,989 --> 00:19:55,607
So I've decided to give you
half my earnings from the sale.
519
00:19:55,609 --> 00:19:57,475
I'm just kidding.
520
00:19:57,477 --> 00:19:59,494
I'm not giving you
two million bucks.
521
00:19:59,496 --> 00:20:01,646
I mean, I could.
522
00:20:01,648 --> 00:20:03,815
Easily-- it wouldn't even
make a dent for me.
523
00:20:03,817 --> 00:20:06,702
But trust me,
the tax code being what it is,
524
00:20:06,704 --> 00:20:08,954
you do not want
to be rich right now.
525
00:20:08,956 --> 00:20:10,706
So here's what I'm thinking.
526
00:20:10,708 --> 00:20:12,674
I want to get back
in the art game,
527
00:20:12,676 --> 00:20:15,594
and I need a new art consultant.
528
00:20:16,296 --> 00:20:19,631
Wait, are you offering me a job?
529
00:20:19,633 --> 00:20:21,133
If you want it.
530
00:20:21,135 --> 00:20:22,885
What do you say?
531
00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:25,771
And she said yes.
Guys, it was amazing!
532
00:20:25,773 --> 00:20:27,005
You should have been there.
Barney!
533
00:20:27,007 --> 00:20:28,440
You were not there.
Let her tell her story.
534
00:20:28,442 --> 00:20:29,575
Guys!
You were not there.
535
00:20:29,577 --> 00:20:32,444
What did you say, baby?
536
00:20:32,446 --> 00:20:34,112
I said yes.
537
00:20:34,114 --> 00:20:35,513
Ha! Told you!
538
00:20:35,515 --> 00:20:38,584
How would I know that
she was going to say...?
539
00:20:41,212 --> 00:20:43,480
♪
540
00:20:56,499 --> 00:21:01,499
== sync, corrected by elderman ==