1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:03,337 NARRATOR: Marshall and Marvin were taking the bus 2 00:00:03,339 --> 00:00:06,039 on their way to Long Island to meet up with us. 3 00:00:06,041 --> 00:00:07,424 (crying) There, there, little Marvin. 4 00:00:07,426 --> 00:00:09,126 Let no more tears fall. 5 00:00:09,128 --> 00:00:12,679 We're gonna see Mommy in no time at all. 6 00:00:12,681 --> 00:00:14,882 Hello there. I'm sorry for all of the noise. 7 00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:17,267 It's been a long day for the Eriksen boys. 8 00:00:17,269 --> 00:00:19,353 Uh... what's with the rhyming? 9 00:00:19,355 --> 00:00:20,554 I'm glad that you ask. 10 00:00:20,556 --> 00:00:23,506 To get my son sleeping is no easy task. 11 00:00:23,508 --> 00:00:26,059 A few weeks ago, the job fell to my wife. 12 00:00:26,061 --> 00:00:28,529 And as the poor baby cried out for dear life, 13 00:00:28,531 --> 00:00:31,698 she read every book, but all were no use 14 00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:35,035 until she arrived at a mother named Goose. 15 00:00:35,037 --> 00:00:36,987 Why, Marvin... MARSHALL: She noted. 16 00:00:36,989 --> 00:00:38,822 ...these rhymes make you tired! 17 00:00:38,824 --> 00:00:40,857 And ever since then, all young Marvin's required 18 00:00:40,859 --> 00:00:43,360 is one book of rhymes, and to dream land he goes. 19 00:00:43,362 --> 00:00:44,828 Now, what shall we read? 20 00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:47,414 Oh, crap, I left his book in the car! 21 00:00:47,416 --> 00:00:49,199 (crying) 22 00:00:49,201 --> 00:00:50,467 That blows. 23 00:00:50,469 --> 00:00:52,386 (crying stops) 24 00:00:52,573 --> 00:00:56,573 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x11♪ Bedtime Stories Original Air Date on November 25, 2013 25 00:00:56,598 --> 00:01:01,598 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 26 00:01:05,183 --> 00:01:06,817 Oh, no, what a bummer! 27 00:01:06,819 --> 00:01:08,485 What craptastic luck! 28 00:01:08,487 --> 00:01:10,771 Without Marvin's rhyme book, this ride's gonna suck! 29 00:01:10,773 --> 00:01:12,823 Does anyone here have some poetry maybe? 30 00:01:12,825 --> 00:01:14,107 Or any advice? Yeah! 31 00:01:14,109 --> 00:01:15,659 Don't have a baby! 32 00:01:15,661 --> 00:01:17,611 (laughter) 33 00:01:17,613 --> 00:01:19,496 I guess if I don't want young Marvin to wake up, 34 00:01:19,498 --> 00:01:22,399 the rhymes will just have to be ones that I make up. 35 00:01:22,401 --> 00:01:25,568 I'll whip up some poetry in seconds flat! 36 00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:31,375 Oh, I know! 37 00:01:31,377 --> 00:01:34,011 This story's called Mosby at the Bat! 38 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,935 The outlook wasn't brilliant for poor Ted's romantic life. 39 00:01:41,937 --> 00:01:45,755 He was deep into his thirties, and yet, still he had no wife. 40 00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:47,590 But then, one day whilst grading papers, 41 00:01:47,592 --> 00:01:49,142 life sent him a whammy. 42 00:01:49,144 --> 00:01:51,111 A physics prof named Lisa 43 00:01:51,113 --> 00:01:52,529 who'd just moved here from Miami. 44 00:01:52,531 --> 00:01:53,530 Professor? 45 00:01:53,532 --> 00:01:55,432 She asked timidly. He answered: 46 00:01:55,434 --> 00:01:56,950 Call me Ted. Oh. 47 00:01:56,952 --> 00:01:58,268 I don't want to bother you. 48 00:01:58,270 --> 00:01:59,870 Please, have a seat. He said. 49 00:01:59,872 --> 00:02:03,290 I'm fairly new to teaching, and I'm looking for advice. 50 00:02:03,292 --> 00:02:06,576 Every night I practice giving lectures, sometimes twice. 51 00:02:06,578 --> 00:02:07,744 But when I teach 52 00:02:07,746 --> 00:02:10,914 magnetic force, I just see eyeballs glazing. 53 00:02:10,916 --> 00:02:16,420 I asked around, and people say your lectures are amazing. 54 00:02:16,422 --> 00:02:17,754 Which is really saying something, 55 00:02:17,756 --> 00:02:19,956 because, architecture? Yawn. 56 00:02:19,958 --> 00:02:21,642 And Ted thought... 57 00:02:21,644 --> 00:02:23,960 TED: Psh, yeah, 'cause physics is so interesting. 58 00:02:23,962 --> 00:02:25,479 Go on. 59 00:02:25,481 --> 00:02:27,130 It's just that you're so skilled, 60 00:02:27,132 --> 00:02:29,016 and I'm a relative beginner. 61 00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:32,802 If it isn't too much trouble, can I take you out to dinner? 62 00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:36,523 I'd love to get some pointers, and I shouldn't keep you late. 63 00:02:36,525 --> 00:02:37,974 What do you say? 64 00:02:37,976 --> 00:02:39,526 What do I say? 65 00:02:39,528 --> 00:02:41,161 Teddy Westside's got a date! 66 00:02:41,163 --> 00:02:43,313 ALL: Hooray! MARSHALL: We cheered. 67 00:02:43,315 --> 00:02:44,331 Ted's off the bench! 68 00:02:44,333 --> 00:02:45,699 Our boy's back in the game! 69 00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:47,334 Thank God, it's been a hundred years 70 00:02:47,336 --> 00:02:48,535 since Mosby scored a dame. 71 00:02:48,537 --> 00:02:50,420 The last time he saw boobies was 72 00:02:50,422 --> 00:02:51,838 the screen-test scene in Fame. 73 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,290 The last girl he dated, 74 00:02:53,292 --> 00:02:55,158 I think "Righty" was her name. 75 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,010 Hold it. Let's not all go crazy 76 00:02:57,012 --> 00:02:58,712 like some wild berzerkers. 77 00:02:58,714 --> 00:03:01,381 What if this is just a business meal between co-workers? 78 00:03:01,383 --> 00:03:03,500 MARSHALL: Ted thought back on past failed dates. 79 00:03:03,502 --> 00:03:05,602 Oh, God, that could be true. 80 00:03:05,604 --> 00:03:08,805 How many times have I come home to find my balls are blue? 81 00:03:08,807 --> 00:03:12,175 It all depends where Ted and his new fetching young Floridian 82 00:03:12,177 --> 00:03:14,844 are standing in relation to that puzzling meridian 83 00:03:14,846 --> 00:03:17,147 called "The International Date Line." 84 00:03:17,149 --> 00:03:18,515 That's right, new theory. 85 00:03:18,517 --> 00:03:20,517 "What's that," you ask? Nobody did. 86 00:03:20,519 --> 00:03:23,120 I'll now address your query! The date line 87 00:03:23,122 --> 00:03:26,206 is the border betwixt happiness and sorrow. 88 00:03:26,208 --> 00:03:28,525 On this side, you go home tonight. 89 00:03:28,527 --> 00:03:31,361 On this side, home tomorrow. 90 00:03:31,363 --> 00:03:34,831 MARSHALL: And then, as Barney made some gestures that were rather rude, 91 00:03:34,833 --> 00:03:38,085 Ted left to go meet Lisa, in a rather puzzled mood. 92 00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:39,803 Was this a date? 93 00:03:39,805 --> 00:03:41,722 He simply couldn't tell how he was faring. 94 00:03:41,724 --> 00:03:42,923 Then Lisa showed up. 95 00:03:42,925 --> 00:03:46,426 Ted rejoiced to see what she was wearing. 96 00:03:46,428 --> 00:03:47,928 For girls at business dinners 97 00:03:47,930 --> 00:03:50,046 don't have necklines that revealing! 98 00:03:54,185 --> 00:03:57,354 But then a friendly handshake gave poor Ted 99 00:03:57,356 --> 00:03:59,222 a sinking feeling. 100 00:04:03,394 --> 00:04:04,694 And so, the night wore on. 101 00:04:04,696 --> 00:04:07,197 And back and forth, the globe rotated. 102 00:04:07,199 --> 00:04:10,917 But still, Ted's curiosity was never fully sated. 103 00:04:10,919 --> 00:04:12,369 How long could this continue? 104 00:04:12,371 --> 00:04:14,204 He was truly fortune's pawn. 105 00:04:14,206 --> 00:04:16,239 Then Lisa saw the TV. 106 00:04:16,241 --> 00:04:17,674 Hey, the Yankees game is on! 107 00:04:17,676 --> 00:04:19,509 Of baseball... Ted observed... 108 00:04:19,511 --> 00:04:22,295 ...you seem to have some firsthand knowledge. 109 00:04:22,297 --> 00:04:24,181 To which the lady shrugged and said... 110 00:04:24,183 --> 00:04:25,766 I played softball in college. 111 00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,420 Now the age-old softball stereotype's just that, 112 00:04:30,422 --> 00:04:31,855 and nothing more. 113 00:04:31,857 --> 00:04:33,557 Yeah! But as the Yankees got a run, 114 00:04:33,559 --> 00:04:35,642 Ted feared he wouldn't score. 115 00:04:35,644 --> 00:04:37,444 For while the date side of the line's 116 00:04:37,446 --> 00:04:39,613 the one we all might guess he's in, 117 00:04:39,615 --> 00:04:42,449 there'll be no joy in Tedville if our Lisa is a... 118 00:04:42,451 --> 00:04:44,034 Yes! We win! 119 00:04:44,036 --> 00:04:46,403 Then Lisa took a drink and said... 120 00:04:46,405 --> 00:04:48,405 This may sound kind of random, 121 00:04:48,407 --> 00:04:51,241 but there actually is a reason for my rabid Yankee fandom. 122 00:04:51,243 --> 00:04:52,993 I guess I'll just be honest here, 123 00:04:52,995 --> 00:04:55,045 though crazy it may seem. 124 00:04:55,047 --> 00:04:59,216 My first week in New York, I dated someone on the team. 125 00:04:59,218 --> 00:05:00,300 Which player? 126 00:05:00,302 --> 00:05:01,951 I'm not saying. Please? 127 00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:03,303 What are you, a reporter? 128 00:05:03,305 --> 00:05:04,671 Ted's mind began to race. 129 00:05:04,673 --> 00:05:06,473 The waiter came to take their order. 130 00:05:06,475 --> 00:05:07,790 As Lisa said... 131 00:05:07,792 --> 00:05:09,893 I might like the spaghetti marinara. 132 00:05:09,895 --> 00:05:11,344 Poor Ted just wondered silently... 133 00:05:11,346 --> 00:05:13,780 TED: Mariano Rivera? 134 00:05:13,782 --> 00:05:15,098 MARSHALL: And as she said... 135 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,133 I read this place has great chicken Milano. 136 00:05:17,135 --> 00:05:19,352 All Ted could bring himself to think was: 137 00:05:19,354 --> 00:05:21,438 TED: Alfonso Soriano? 138 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,039 I want something hearty. 139 00:05:23,041 --> 00:05:25,158 How about blackened miso cod? 140 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,443 TED: Is it Joe Girardi? 141 00:05:26,445 --> 00:05:28,812 Holy crap, is it A-Rod?! 142 00:05:28,814 --> 00:05:30,413 Okay, Ted, calm down. 143 00:05:30,415 --> 00:05:32,115 You've got to get yourself together. 144 00:05:32,117 --> 00:05:33,667 Just smile, be charming, 145 00:05:33,669 --> 00:05:36,036 ooze charisma, talk about the weather. 146 00:05:36,038 --> 00:05:37,320 For this might be a date, 147 00:05:37,322 --> 00:05:39,539 which means there might be hanky-panky. 148 00:05:39,541 --> 00:05:42,926 So, dude, be cool, relax, don't even... 149 00:05:42,928 --> 00:05:44,845 Just tell me which Yankee! 150 00:05:46,230 --> 00:05:48,431 I'd rather not discuss this here. 151 00:05:48,433 --> 00:05:50,183 But then again, I'd hate... 152 00:05:50,185 --> 00:05:53,353 to let a silly secret ruin such a lovely date. 153 00:05:53,355 --> 00:05:54,721 If there's 154 00:05:54,723 --> 00:05:55,939 an elephant in the room, 155 00:05:55,941 --> 00:05:57,140 why don't we just remove it? 156 00:05:57,142 --> 00:05:58,475 I dated Derek Jeter. 157 00:05:58,477 --> 00:05:59,842 Here's a picture that'll prove it. 158 00:05:59,844 --> 00:06:02,062 MARSHALL: As Ted looked at that cell phone pic, 159 00:06:02,064 --> 00:06:03,980 there were two things he reckoned. 160 00:06:03,982 --> 00:06:05,848 This definitely was a date, 161 00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:08,618 but there wouldn't be a second. 162 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,670 See? It worked. 163 00:06:10,672 --> 00:06:12,873 I said some rhymes, and out my boy did conk. 164 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,242 Now let's enjoy the ride. 165 00:06:15,244 --> 00:06:16,159 (brakes screech) 166 00:06:16,161 --> 00:06:18,078 Move, jackass! (honk) 167 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,380 (crying) 168 00:06:21,349 --> 00:06:24,953 Okay, I need a brand-new tale to silence Marvin's chatter. 169 00:06:24,954 --> 00:06:27,955 I don't know, that last one had some sketchy subject matter. 170 00:06:27,957 --> 00:06:31,025 Forgive me, but before you got here, did you smoke a joint? 171 00:06:31,027 --> 00:06:33,294 You don't tell kids a tale that crass! 172 00:06:33,296 --> 00:06:34,812 NARRATOR: I guess he had a point. 173 00:06:34,814 --> 00:06:37,064 I know, I said some things that were, 174 00:06:37,066 --> 00:06:39,200 as you say, kind of questionable. 175 00:06:39,202 --> 00:06:41,252 The truth is, children Marvin's age 176 00:06:41,254 --> 00:06:43,087 aren't really that impressionable. 177 00:06:43,089 --> 00:06:45,623 Do you remember anything from when you were this small? 178 00:06:45,625 --> 00:06:48,726 Pumpkin picking at age three is the first thing I recall. 179 00:06:48,728 --> 00:06:50,094 Hmm. Huh. 180 00:06:50,096 --> 00:06:51,479 He won't remember this. I guess it's true. 181 00:06:51,481 --> 00:06:52,713 It better be. 182 00:06:52,715 --> 00:06:53,898 Or else we'll end up paying 183 00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:55,382 through the nose for Marvin's therapy. 184 00:06:55,384 --> 00:06:58,319 Okay, buddy, nice chat, but I think I need a break. 185 00:06:58,321 --> 00:06:59,220 Great idea. 186 00:06:59,222 --> 00:07:01,272 After this story! 187 00:07:01,274 --> 00:07:03,224 Robin Takes the Cake. 188 00:07:08,330 --> 00:07:10,198 Once in an East Side bakery, 189 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,334 your debonair Aunt Robin was making other customers think, 190 00:07:13,336 --> 00:07:15,286 "Geez, who let this slob in?" 191 00:07:15,288 --> 00:07:18,539 She didn't care about their stares, or who was looking on. 192 00:07:18,541 --> 00:07:19,907 She'd just broke up with... 193 00:07:19,909 --> 00:07:21,092 Kevin. 194 00:07:21,094 --> 00:07:23,845 No, Gael. Or Scooby? 195 00:07:24,963 --> 00:07:26,580 Don? 196 00:07:27,249 --> 00:07:28,466 Now, sometimes, 197 00:07:28,468 --> 00:07:29,634 when it rains it pours, 198 00:07:29,636 --> 00:07:30,885 and sometimes, it starts snowing, 199 00:07:30,887 --> 00:07:33,420 for as cream filling hit her shirt... 200 00:07:33,422 --> 00:07:34,939 MAN: Hey, Robin, how's it going? 201 00:07:34,941 --> 00:07:36,774 'Twas Simon, her ex-boyfriend 202 00:07:36,776 --> 00:07:39,143 from her younger days in Canada, 203 00:07:39,145 --> 00:07:40,928 but now, he looked quite different... 204 00:07:40,930 --> 00:07:43,397 Um... 205 00:07:43,399 --> 00:07:44,782 Rhyme. 206 00:07:44,784 --> 00:07:47,434 Uh... thinking. Uh... 207 00:07:47,436 --> 00:07:49,770 I've just been handed a news flash. 208 00:07:49,772 --> 00:07:51,539 The word "Canada" is unrhymeable. 209 00:07:51,541 --> 00:07:52,940 It's easier to-- I don't know-- 210 00:07:52,942 --> 00:07:54,876 get drunk and try to climb a bull. 211 00:07:54,878 --> 00:07:57,295 But Canada, damn it, ask any man on the planet 212 00:07:57,297 --> 00:07:58,629 and watch their stammerin' stamina 213 00:07:58,631 --> 00:08:01,499 as they clamor and cram it into the middle of a sentence 214 00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:02,833 for a shot at repentance, 215 00:08:02,835 --> 00:08:05,253 pass the problem on to all their non-rhyming descendants. 216 00:08:05,255 --> 00:08:07,638 I've never met anyone who could clean up after Canada. 217 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,423 Except my Uncle Tony from the Bronx. 218 00:08:09,425 --> 00:08:10,558 He's a janitor. 219 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,760 (applause) 220 00:08:14,396 --> 00:08:17,515 Show-off. 221 00:08:17,517 --> 00:08:19,317 Simon. Nice to see you. 222 00:08:19,319 --> 00:08:21,402 So, what brings you to New York? 223 00:08:21,404 --> 00:08:22,937 I live here now. What? Really? 224 00:08:22,939 --> 00:08:24,488 Yeah. That's great. 225 00:08:24,490 --> 00:08:25,940 Can I get a fork? 226 00:08:25,942 --> 00:08:27,358 MARSHALL: He'd always been a deadbeat 227 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,110 and your classic hoser phony, 228 00:08:29,112 --> 00:08:32,029 but seeing Simon all cleaned up hit Robin like a Zamboni. 229 00:08:32,031 --> 00:08:34,282 And as she looked him up and down, 230 00:08:34,284 --> 00:08:35,750 young Robin felt a tingle. 231 00:08:35,752 --> 00:08:37,618 Had Simon blossomed finally? 232 00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:39,587 And if so, was he single? 233 00:08:39,589 --> 00:08:40,955 So great. 234 00:08:40,957 --> 00:08:43,374 She purred, whilst batting her eyelashes like a flooze. 235 00:08:43,376 --> 00:08:45,659 Yup, I'm engaged to Louise Marsh, 236 00:08:45,661 --> 00:08:47,428 and our pad's got a Jacuzz! 237 00:08:47,430 --> 00:08:49,663 The bakery spinned, the floor dropped out. 238 00:08:49,665 --> 00:08:51,382 The air was thick as syrup. 239 00:08:51,384 --> 00:08:53,467 Poor Robin swooned, she couldn't breathe, 240 00:08:53,469 --> 00:08:55,102 her eyes began to tear up. 241 00:08:55,104 --> 00:08:57,171 And as she tried to stammer some excuse 242 00:08:57,173 --> 00:08:58,973 to get away, Simon said: 243 00:08:58,975 --> 00:09:01,225 Our wedding cake is pretty bitchin', eh? 244 00:09:01,227 --> 00:09:04,729 And so was born the worst idea poor Robin's ever had. 245 00:09:04,731 --> 00:09:07,281 And on Ted's door there came a rapping. 246 00:09:07,283 --> 00:09:09,350 I did something bad. 247 00:09:09,352 --> 00:09:10,901 As Robin told her tale, 248 00:09:10,903 --> 00:09:13,070 Ted knew she'd made a massive boo-boo. 249 00:09:13,072 --> 00:09:17,375 For stealing someone's wedding cake is terribly bad juju. 250 00:09:17,377 --> 00:09:19,877 Robin, I'm beside myself to see what you've become! 251 00:09:19,879 --> 00:09:21,829 You must return this cake at once! 252 00:09:21,831 --> 00:09:22,830 I can't! Why not? 253 00:09:22,832 --> 00:09:24,131 'Cause... 254 00:09:24,133 --> 00:09:25,549 Yum. 255 00:09:25,551 --> 00:09:29,804 Ted gasped, for he had never seen a brazen act so vicious. 256 00:09:29,806 --> 00:09:31,639 Robin felt remorse, and yet... 257 00:09:31,641 --> 00:09:33,674 Oh, God, this is delicious! 258 00:09:33,676 --> 00:09:37,428 So one piece led to two, then three, then five, then 17. 259 00:09:37,430 --> 00:09:41,548 She savaged that poor cake like some rapacious wolverine. 260 00:09:41,550 --> 00:09:44,551 Eating, gobbling, munching, so the frenzied night wore on. 261 00:09:44,553 --> 00:09:46,354 And by the time your mom arrived, 262 00:09:46,356 --> 00:09:48,322 the cake was halfway gone. 263 00:09:48,324 --> 00:09:50,074 I came as soon as I got word. 264 00:09:50,076 --> 00:09:51,909 So how bad is the damage? 265 00:09:51,911 --> 00:09:56,113 See for yourself the product of her cake-in-gullet crammage! 266 00:09:56,115 --> 00:09:57,448 Half a cake? 267 00:09:57,450 --> 00:09:58,849 What have I done?! 268 00:09:58,851 --> 00:10:00,951 The world shall not forgive it! 269 00:10:00,953 --> 00:10:02,703 This day will live in infamy. 270 00:10:02,705 --> 00:10:04,905 I never shall outlive it! 271 00:10:04,907 --> 00:10:06,540 For I have become 272 00:10:06,542 --> 00:10:09,577 the girl that eats her feelings, don't mistake it. 273 00:10:09,579 --> 00:10:12,763 I think I need to get out of this chair before I break it. 274 00:10:12,765 --> 00:10:15,516 Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash! 275 00:10:15,518 --> 00:10:17,101 Said Mommy, with great fervor. 276 00:10:17,103 --> 00:10:19,920 You can't stop now, for don't you see? 277 00:10:19,922 --> 00:10:23,757 To the uninformed observer, you're not some sad cliché, 278 00:10:23,759 --> 00:10:26,977 some loser from a chick-lit story. 279 00:10:26,979 --> 00:10:30,698 You're Robin, and you're half a wedding cake away from glory! 280 00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:33,600 If you quit now, then Simon wins, 281 00:10:33,602 --> 00:10:35,602 the tale comes to a stop 282 00:10:35,604 --> 00:10:38,072 at how you saw an ex, freaked out, 283 00:10:38,074 --> 00:10:39,790 and robbed a pastry shop. 284 00:10:39,792 --> 00:10:42,410 If you have the guts, my dear, 285 00:10:42,412 --> 00:10:44,628 it's time to get empowered 286 00:10:44,630 --> 00:10:46,797 and be remembered for this 287 00:10:46,799 --> 00:10:49,467 sweet behemoth you devoured. 288 00:10:49,469 --> 00:10:50,718 And years from now, 289 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,671 the troubadour will raise his voice and sing 290 00:10:53,673 --> 00:10:56,474 of the time that Robin took the cake. 291 00:10:56,476 --> 00:10:58,509 And ate the whole... 292 00:10:58,511 --> 00:10:59,760 damned... 293 00:10:59,762 --> 00:11:01,095 thing. 294 00:11:01,097 --> 00:11:03,814 MARSHALL: Once more into the breach she surged, 295 00:11:03,816 --> 00:11:05,466 as Ted and Mommy cheered 296 00:11:05,468 --> 00:11:09,153 and bite by bite the towering confection disappeared. 297 00:11:09,155 --> 00:11:11,105 Some friends were called to come and watch. 298 00:11:11,107 --> 00:11:12,690 And no one had to beg. 299 00:11:12,692 --> 00:11:13,974 It soon became a party. 300 00:11:13,976 --> 00:11:15,910 Barney even got a keg. 301 00:11:15,912 --> 00:11:18,996 Forkful after forkful, Robin guzzled French vanilla 302 00:11:18,998 --> 00:11:21,482 making noises not unlike those made by a gorilla. 303 00:11:21,484 --> 00:11:23,284 Ooh, ooh, ooh! Come on, Robin, finish it. 304 00:11:23,286 --> 00:11:26,003 Yeah. MARSHALL: Mom's exhortations rang 305 00:11:26,005 --> 00:11:29,656 like Apollo coaching Rocky 'gainst a frosted Clubber Lang. 306 00:11:29,658 --> 00:11:31,292 Oh, Rocky IV, my favorite. 307 00:11:31,294 --> 00:11:32,960 No, no, IV is with the Russians. 308 00:11:32,962 --> 00:11:34,828 No, IV's the one where he talks weird 309 00:11:34,830 --> 00:11:36,347 because of his concussions. 310 00:11:36,349 --> 00:11:37,798 I think that's all of them. Hey now, 311 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,551 no need to be discordant. It's Rocky IV. 312 00:11:40,553 --> 00:11:42,269 No, III. No, II. 313 00:11:42,271 --> 00:11:44,138 It's really not important. 314 00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:48,025 At last young Robin raised the final bite up to her lips 315 00:11:48,027 --> 00:11:49,343 the crowd grew still. 316 00:11:49,345 --> 00:11:51,362 The only sound was Barney 317 00:11:51,364 --> 00:11:53,147 eating chips. (crunch) 318 00:11:54,783 --> 00:11:56,484 Just one bite left. 319 00:11:56,486 --> 00:11:59,520 Hey, this is like that scene from Cool Hand Luke. You know, 320 00:11:59,522 --> 00:12:01,405 (Southern accent): "My boy can eat 50 eggs " Right? 321 00:12:01,407 --> 00:12:03,374 She's gonna puke. 322 00:12:04,242 --> 00:12:05,543 But Robin did not puke. 323 00:12:05,545 --> 00:12:07,795 She ate that bite and stood up, proud. 324 00:12:07,797 --> 00:12:11,048 (wild cheering, whooping) 325 00:12:11,050 --> 00:12:13,467 Wait. I'm not done yet. 326 00:12:13,469 --> 00:12:15,219 She shouted, to the startled crowd. 327 00:12:15,221 --> 00:12:17,138 I've bested this here wedding cake. 328 00:12:17,140 --> 00:12:18,839 I'll gladly wear that crown. 329 00:12:18,841 --> 00:12:20,007 But now that I have 330 00:12:20,009 --> 00:12:22,393 done that task it's time to wash it down. 331 00:12:22,395 --> 00:12:24,645 For it's been such an awesome night, 332 00:12:24,647 --> 00:12:27,148 there's just one way to cap it. 333 00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:29,517 I'm going to drink this entire keg. 334 00:12:30,819 --> 00:12:32,520 Okay, Barney, tap it. 335 00:12:32,522 --> 00:12:33,838 Oh! Wow. 336 00:12:35,690 --> 00:12:37,525 Hup. Ho-o, oh. 337 00:12:37,527 --> 00:12:40,945 MARSHALL: And now that night's remembered not for Robin getting dumped 338 00:12:40,947 --> 00:12:44,365 but as the night we took her in to get her stomach pumped. 339 00:12:45,033 --> 00:12:46,417 And look at that, 340 00:12:46,419 --> 00:12:48,902 the little angel's sleeping soundly, Gus. 341 00:12:48,904 --> 00:12:50,538 Looks like our problems... 342 00:12:50,540 --> 00:12:51,539 Pick a lane! 343 00:12:51,541 --> 00:12:52,756 (honks horn, Marvin cries) 344 00:12:52,758 --> 00:12:56,243 I hate this stupid bus. 345 00:12:58,167 --> 00:13:01,596 Marvin, I'm afraid this night is not much of a winner. 346 00:13:01,597 --> 00:13:03,463 Stuck in traffic, now we've missed 347 00:13:03,465 --> 00:13:05,398 the whole rehearsal dinner. 348 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,335 I pray that I was right and that you'll have no memory 349 00:13:08,337 --> 00:13:11,488 of this godforsaken ride down the congested LIE. 350 00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,723 At least we know one thing for sure: 351 00:13:13,725 --> 00:13:15,358 things can't get worse, I swear. 352 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,861 Adios, truck stop burrito. Ooh! 353 00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,579 Do not go in there. 354 00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:23,700 Okay, one more story, and I'll try to tell it pretty. 355 00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:25,702 The tale of Barney Stinson, 356 00:13:25,704 --> 00:13:28,171 Player King of New York City. 357 00:13:33,261 --> 00:13:36,213 Once upon a time, we all went out to get our drink on. 358 00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:38,081 When who should walk in but a girl 359 00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:40,417 with sweater tight and pink on. 360 00:13:40,419 --> 00:13:41,501 She ordered up a beer. 361 00:13:41,503 --> 00:13:43,303 I think you see where this is going. 362 00:13:43,305 --> 00:13:45,605 As Barney put it, oh so eloquently: 363 00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,340 Boy-oy-oy-oing. 364 00:13:47,342 --> 00:13:51,010 He rose to go approach this girl commanding such intrigue 365 00:13:51,012 --> 00:13:52,362 when Mommy interrupted: 366 00:13:52,364 --> 00:13:54,447 Dude, she's way out of your league. 367 00:13:54,449 --> 00:13:58,368 She's not in Daisy Dukes, nor squeezed into a Hooters tee. 368 00:13:58,370 --> 00:14:00,353 And I don't see a Curves membership 369 00:14:00,355 --> 00:14:01,821 dangling from her key. 370 00:14:01,823 --> 00:14:02,855 She has no glaring 371 00:14:02,857 --> 00:14:06,359 spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. 372 00:14:06,361 --> 00:14:10,530 She's sipping Chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. 373 00:14:10,532 --> 00:14:11,715 Her makeup isn't running, 374 00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:13,533 she's not playing with her hair. 375 00:14:13,535 --> 00:14:16,703 There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere. 376 00:14:16,705 --> 00:14:18,922 Your challenge is accepted, Lil. 377 00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,974 There is no girl too pretty, 378 00:14:20,976 --> 00:14:22,709 for I am Barney Stinson, 379 00:14:22,711 --> 00:14:25,145 Player King of New York City. 380 00:14:25,147 --> 00:14:27,514 You can't anoint yourself the king, 381 00:14:27,516 --> 00:14:29,482 just like that jerk, LeBron. 382 00:14:29,484 --> 00:14:31,685 He left the Cavs three years ago. 383 00:14:31,687 --> 00:14:33,436 Bro, give it up, move on. 384 00:14:33,438 --> 00:14:34,437 So why 385 00:14:34,439 --> 00:14:35,939 am I king? Glad you asked. 386 00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:36,990 We didn't. Never do. 387 00:14:36,992 --> 00:14:38,858 It's origin story time. 388 00:14:38,860 --> 00:14:41,561 And trust me, every word is true. 389 00:14:41,563 --> 00:14:45,064 One morning long ago, I woke up next to a conquest. 390 00:14:45,066 --> 00:14:47,334 So many great things 'bout this girl: her boobs, 391 00:14:47,336 --> 00:14:50,069 her rack, her chest. 392 00:14:50,071 --> 00:14:51,621 She had a thirst for action, 393 00:14:51,623 --> 00:14:53,790 and young Barney was a-quenchin' it. 394 00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:55,175 Is this important to the story? 395 00:14:55,177 --> 00:14:56,960 No, just thought I'd mention it. 396 00:14:56,962 --> 00:15:00,213 As I departed, having bid this busty babe buh-bye, 397 00:15:00,215 --> 00:15:02,349 I stopped and looked around, and wondered: 398 00:15:02,351 --> 00:15:03,683 Where the hell am I? 399 00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,186 The sign read 22nd Street, and my concern decreased 400 00:15:06,188 --> 00:15:09,422 until a cold wind blew a branch aside, 401 00:15:09,424 --> 00:15:10,724 revealing: "East." 402 00:15:10,726 --> 00:15:13,193 The East Side. No. 403 00:15:13,195 --> 00:15:14,427 Wh-What have I done? 404 00:15:14,429 --> 00:15:15,862 I stammered with chagrin. 405 00:15:15,864 --> 00:15:17,614 Just then a black sedan pulled up... 406 00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:19,316 You Barney? Yeah. 407 00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:20,867 Get in. (sighs) 408 00:15:20,869 --> 00:15:22,118 Is any of this true? 409 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,238 Of course. Now, hang on to your "chayers." 410 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,707 For that day I was called before... 411 00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:30,293 the High Council of Players. 412 00:15:30,295 --> 00:15:33,713 Gentlemen, for your attendance here, our deepest thanks. 413 00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:38,001 I'm sad to say, this council has a poacher in its ranks. 414 00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:39,452 For Barney here 415 00:15:39,454 --> 00:15:41,721 picked up a girl outside his territory. 416 00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:42,722 The East Side 417 00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:44,391 is Tuxedo Charlie's turf. 418 00:15:44,393 --> 00:15:45,475 He's mad. 419 00:15:45,477 --> 00:15:46,876 True story. 420 00:15:46,878 --> 00:15:50,463 The Agreement of 2004 quite clearly did define 421 00:15:50,465 --> 00:15:53,533 Fifth Avenue to be our hunting grounds' dividing line. 422 00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:57,988 Your West Side college girls are not the slip I park my boat in. 423 00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,306 So you should know 424 00:15:59,308 --> 00:16:03,209 my East Side debutantes are quite verboten. 425 00:16:03,211 --> 00:16:05,362 (sighs) Members of the council... 426 00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:08,147 Bros... nobody wants a war. 427 00:16:08,149 --> 00:16:11,284 Of course I've not forgotten the agreement of '04. 428 00:16:11,286 --> 00:16:13,086 What can I say? A bonehead move. 429 00:16:13,088 --> 00:16:14,771 Defend it? I'm not able. 430 00:16:14,773 --> 00:16:17,257 But, bros, have I not been a bro 431 00:16:17,259 --> 00:16:18,842 to each bro at this table? 432 00:16:18,844 --> 00:16:21,094 My friend from Brooklyn, Pickle Jar Bob, 433 00:16:21,096 --> 00:16:22,846 will give some validation. 434 00:16:22,848 --> 00:16:24,080 Remember that young tourist 435 00:16:24,082 --> 00:16:26,666 who was looking for Penn Station? 436 00:16:26,668 --> 00:16:29,386 She'd just come in from Boston, had a wicked good-in-bed look. 437 00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:33,440 I gave her bad directions and she ended up in Red Hook. 438 00:16:33,442 --> 00:16:35,392 Shut up, Barney. Whoa, Bronx Donnie, 439 00:16:35,394 --> 00:16:37,110 let's not get excited. 440 00:16:37,112 --> 00:16:40,347 Tuxedo Charlie's not the only one here who's been slighted. 441 00:16:40,349 --> 00:16:43,917 You told her you were Jeter in your quest to lie upon her. 442 00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:46,403 Impersonating Yankees is my thing. 443 00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:48,071 Have you no honor? 444 00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:50,123 Gentlemen, please, let's not blow 445 00:16:50,125 --> 00:16:52,075 this détente to smithereens. 446 00:16:52,077 --> 00:16:54,360 Council recognizes Captain Bill, 447 00:16:54,362 --> 00:16:55,829 our bro from Queens. 448 00:16:55,831 --> 00:16:57,029 Thank you. 449 00:16:57,031 --> 00:16:58,214 You all know me, 450 00:16:58,216 --> 00:16:59,899 and you all respect my game. 451 00:17:01,001 --> 00:17:03,386 I dress up like a pilot and meet girls in baggage claim. 452 00:17:03,388 --> 00:17:06,673 And on my long-ass subway ride from 61st and Woodside, 453 00:17:06,675 --> 00:17:09,759 I came up with a plan to keep you each other's good side. 454 00:17:09,761 --> 00:17:12,312 Barney, you have wronged these two. 455 00:17:12,314 --> 00:17:13,646 So, for the game 456 00:17:13,648 --> 00:17:15,882 they're losing, you now must grant them each 457 00:17:15,884 --> 00:17:18,401 a West Side hottie of their choosing. 458 00:17:18,403 --> 00:17:19,469 You're kidding. 459 00:17:19,471 --> 00:17:20,904 That's the settlement? 460 00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:22,839 Come on, that's rather silly. Gentlemen, 461 00:17:22,841 --> 00:17:23,857 what say you? 462 00:17:23,859 --> 00:17:24,858 I want Robin. 463 00:17:24,860 --> 00:17:25,825 I want Lily. 464 00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:27,861 Please. Bronx Donnie? 465 00:17:27,863 --> 00:17:30,196 No chance he could get me in the sack. 466 00:17:30,198 --> 00:17:33,083 Tell that Mafioso I know something he can whack. 467 00:17:33,085 --> 00:17:34,567 Ladies, don't you worry, 468 00:17:34,569 --> 00:17:36,736 your fair legs can all stay closed. 469 00:17:36,738 --> 00:17:38,037 'Cause luckily they took 470 00:17:38,039 --> 00:17:41,040 the counteroffer I proposed. 471 00:17:41,042 --> 00:17:42,342 Well, gentlemen, 472 00:17:42,344 --> 00:17:44,194 it seems there's nothing I can say to sway you. 473 00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:45,528 Charlie, Donnie, 474 00:17:45,530 --> 00:17:47,380 say no more, I gladly will repay you. 475 00:17:47,382 --> 00:17:49,599 Carlotta, some champagne. 476 00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:53,470 Let's toast before we all adjourn. 477 00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:57,891 To boobies. 478 00:17:59,426 --> 00:18:00,643 Oh, and B-T-dub, 479 00:18:00,645 --> 00:18:02,395 y'all just drank poison. 480 00:18:02,397 --> 00:18:03,530 Ha-burn. 481 00:18:03,532 --> 00:18:05,064 (gags) 482 00:18:13,273 --> 00:18:15,575 (maniacal laugh) 483 00:18:20,631 --> 00:18:23,082 And thus, my friends, I have become, 484 00:18:23,084 --> 00:18:25,117 through methods somewhat gory 485 00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:27,837 the Player King of New York City. 486 00:18:27,839 --> 00:18:29,005 Boom. 487 00:18:29,007 --> 00:18:31,290 The end. 488 00:18:31,292 --> 00:18:32,642 True story. 489 00:18:32,644 --> 00:18:34,144 Well, that was great. 490 00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:36,095 Your little story tickled all our ribs. 491 00:18:36,097 --> 00:18:38,014 But one mistake you made, sir, 492 00:18:38,016 --> 00:18:40,400 was forgetting to call dibs. 493 00:18:40,402 --> 00:18:41,067 (gasps) 494 00:18:41,069 --> 00:18:42,468 BARNEY: No! Not fair. 495 00:18:42,470 --> 00:18:44,103 But I'm the king. 496 00:18:44,105 --> 00:18:46,990 And such a better dresser. TED: Sorry, dude, 497 00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:48,408 but that's revenge 498 00:18:48,410 --> 00:18:51,110 for Lisa the professor. (chuckles) 499 00:18:51,112 --> 00:18:52,195 (giggles) 500 00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:53,613 Let's have another round. 501 00:18:53,615 --> 00:18:54,831 Yes. MARSHALL: Your mommy said. 502 00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,616 And so we had one. 503 00:18:56,618 --> 00:18:58,501 The night wore on, and I must say, 504 00:18:58,503 --> 00:19:00,453 it wasn't a half bad one. 505 00:19:00,455 --> 00:19:02,755 What memories. Our young and happy hearts 506 00:19:02,757 --> 00:19:05,592 were hot as fire. 507 00:19:05,594 --> 00:19:08,711 Feels like a lifetime since those days. 508 00:19:10,347 --> 00:19:12,465 (loud bump) BUS DRIVER: Sorry, folks, 509 00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:13,933 flat tire. 510 00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:15,435 (Marvin cries) Oh, come on. 511 00:19:15,437 --> 00:19:17,937 Now I'm never gonna make it to Nantucket. 512 00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:20,006 (Marvin continues wailing) 513 00:19:21,942 --> 00:19:25,728 (explosions) 514 00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:27,647 Oh, look a fireworks display. 515 00:19:27,649 --> 00:19:29,232 Some rockets red glare action. 516 00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,516 Thank God. 517 00:19:30,518 --> 00:19:34,120 Thought my glaucoma drops were causing a reaction. 518 00:19:34,122 --> 00:19:38,241 Marvin, I'm so sorry this whole journey's been a bummer. 519 00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:43,329 Soon you'll be right back in Mommy's arms, as warm as summer. 520 00:19:43,331 --> 00:19:46,916 But sadly while your troubles stop once we get to the inn 521 00:19:46,918 --> 00:19:50,303 the moment we arrive is when my troubles will begin. 522 00:19:50,305 --> 00:19:52,922 Sometimes daddies screw up, 523 00:19:52,924 --> 00:19:55,558 sometimes mommies get upset. 524 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:59,062 I really hope this weekend is a memory you'll forget. 525 00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:02,565 So look up at those fireworks, enjoy the falling embers... 526 00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:06,185 NARRATOR: And that, kids, is the very first thing 527 00:20:06,187 --> 00:20:09,656 your cousin Marvin remembers. 528 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:15,355 Gentlemen and ladies, it'll be an hour or so... 529 00:20:15,356 --> 00:20:17,440 (groans) before the truck gets here to give our 530 00:20:17,442 --> 00:20:19,141 broken bus a tow. 531 00:20:19,143 --> 00:20:22,862 So in the meantime I suggest we all get nice and cozy. 532 00:20:22,864 --> 00:20:25,448 We're gonna be here for a while. 533 00:20:26,950 --> 00:20:29,418 Uh, ring-around-the-rosy? 534 00:20:29,420 --> 00:20:31,420 Yeah! 535 00:20:31,422 --> 00:20:34,823 How far do you suppose it is to the Farhampton Inn? 536 00:20:34,825 --> 00:20:36,792 I'd say about five miles away. 537 00:20:36,794 --> 00:20:38,511 Oh, no. 538 00:20:38,513 --> 00:20:39,962 What's with the grin? 539 00:20:39,964 --> 00:20:42,164 NARRATOR: Then Marshall looked up heavenward, 540 00:20:42,166 --> 00:20:44,050 and swore by night's first star 541 00:20:44,052 --> 00:20:46,469 five simple words he'd soon regret: 542 00:20:46,471 --> 00:20:47,937 I can walk that far. 543 00:20:47,939 --> 00:20:52,939 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man