1 00:00:00,466 --> 00:00:02,284 Okay, it's over. 2 00:00:02,309 --> 00:00:04,273 Starting the clock now. 3 00:00:06,509 --> 00:00:08,793 Labor sucks, huh? Yeah. 4 00:00:08,795 --> 00:00:10,294 That fun-sounding name? 5 00:00:10,296 --> 00:00:11,929 It's totally misleading. 6 00:00:12,982 --> 00:00:14,148 Better have this baby soon. 7 00:00:14,150 --> 00:00:15,950 You know my mom's rule: 8 00:00:15,952 --> 00:00:18,152 Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. 9 00:00:18,154 --> 00:00:19,237 I don't buy it. 10 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:21,773 Just like I don't buy what her son told me: 11 00:00:21,775 --> 00:00:23,374 "Let's go away for one last weekend 12 00:00:23,376 --> 00:00:24,709 "before the baby comes. 13 00:00:24,711 --> 00:00:26,327 We'll be fine!" 14 00:00:26,329 --> 00:00:28,246 Well, I hate to point fingers, 15 00:00:28,248 --> 00:00:30,381 but you should never listen to me. 16 00:00:30,383 --> 00:00:31,582 You know that. 17 00:00:31,584 --> 00:00:32,967 That's my bad. 18 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:36,036 Oh! 19 00:00:36,038 --> 00:00:37,472 Here comes another one. Already? 20 00:00:37,474 --> 00:00:38,639 Yeah. Yeah yep. Okay, okay, okay. 21 00:00:38,641 --> 00:00:40,374 We should get you to the hospital. Come on. 22 00:00:40,376 --> 00:00:41,726 Okay. 23 00:00:41,728 --> 00:00:42,894 Oh, here we go. 24 00:00:42,896 --> 00:00:46,347 Sho-sho-shoes, baby-baby-baby... 25 00:00:49,017 --> 00:00:51,435 You guys can't still see where Marshall slapped me, can you? 26 00:00:51,437 --> 00:00:54,105 Your face looks like a "don't walk" signal. 27 00:00:54,107 --> 00:00:55,490 Your face looks like a photo negative 28 00:00:55,492 --> 00:00:56,774 of the Hamburger Helper box. 29 00:00:56,776 --> 00:00:58,609 A palm reader could tell Marshall's future 30 00:00:58,611 --> 00:01:00,244 by studying your face. 31 00:01:00,246 --> 00:01:02,563 The phrase "talk to the hand 'cause the face ain't listening" 32 00:01:02,565 --> 00:01:03,664 doesn't work for you 33 00:01:03,666 --> 00:01:05,616 because the hand is on your face. 34 00:01:05,618 --> 00:01:08,336 A simple "yes" would've sufficed. 35 00:01:09,004 --> 00:01:10,421 Oh, baby, 36 00:01:10,423 --> 00:01:12,072 I missed you so much. 37 00:01:12,074 --> 00:01:13,624 I am so angry! 38 00:01:13,626 --> 00:01:16,410 I am gonna tear you apart tonight. 39 00:01:16,412 --> 00:01:17,628 I am gonna tear you 40 00:01:17,630 --> 00:01:19,130 apart tonight! Okay, okay. 41 00:01:19,132 --> 00:01:20,748 Look, we said that we wouldn't fight 42 00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:23,401 until the gang was all done hanging out, remember? 43 00:01:23,403 --> 00:01:25,586 Ever since Lily heard that Marshall 44 00:01:25,588 --> 00:01:27,254 had accepted an offer to be a judge, 45 00:01:27,256 --> 00:01:29,724 thus jeopardizing their planned year in Italy, 46 00:01:29,726 --> 00:01:31,576 they both knew a big fight was coming. 47 00:01:31,578 --> 00:01:33,911 But when they finally saw each other... 48 00:01:33,913 --> 00:01:35,763 Pause? 49 00:01:35,765 --> 00:01:37,198 Pause. 50 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,483 See, Lily and Marshall had a long tradition 51 00:01:39,485 --> 00:01:41,536 of hitting "pause" on their arguments. 52 00:01:41,538 --> 00:01:43,437 Sometimes they paused because 53 00:01:43,439 --> 00:01:45,573 they suddenly had other things to do. 54 00:01:45,575 --> 00:01:47,758 We have to stick to our budget! Okay? 55 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,744 You cannot be out there buying all these 56 00:01:49,746 --> 00:01:51,495 Brazilian bikini waxes 57 00:01:51,497 --> 00:01:53,280 and Kama Sutra body oils 58 00:01:53,282 --> 00:01:54,932 and edible... Pause. 59 00:01:56,168 --> 00:01:58,302 Sometimes, they paused to keep their fights 60 00:01:58,304 --> 00:01:59,921 from subtly changing subjects. 61 00:01:59,923 --> 00:02:01,455 Baby, I cannot put up with 62 00:02:01,457 --> 00:02:03,591 your shoes being all over the house! 63 00:02:03,593 --> 00:02:05,643 Why not? I put up with your terrible mother. 64 00:02:06,629 --> 00:02:08,095 Pause! Pause. 65 00:02:08,097 --> 00:02:09,597 And now that they were paused, 66 00:02:09,599 --> 00:02:11,482 Marshall realized he would do anything 67 00:02:11,484 --> 00:02:13,768 to stay paused for as long as he could. 68 00:02:13,770 --> 00:02:15,469 Okay, time to go to bed. 69 00:02:15,471 --> 00:02:16,604 Big day tomorrow. 70 00:02:16,606 --> 00:02:17,572 Big day tomorrow! Big day tomorrow! 71 00:02:17,574 --> 00:02:18,656 Screw tomorrow! 72 00:02:18,658 --> 00:02:19,857 We go big tonight, huh? 73 00:02:19,859 --> 00:02:22,660 We go big tonight! We go big tonight! 74 00:02:22,662 --> 00:02:24,245 I mean, uh... 75 00:02:24,247 --> 00:02:25,496 come on, you know, uh, 76 00:02:25,498 --> 00:02:27,748 what time is it, anyway? 77 00:02:31,202 --> 00:02:35,202 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x15 ♪ Unpause Original Air Date on January 20, 2014 78 00:02:35,227 --> 00:02:40,227 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 79 00:02:44,383 --> 00:02:46,333 Hey, where's the baby? 80 00:02:47,886 --> 00:02:49,637 The elevator! The elevator! 81 00:02:50,890 --> 00:02:52,339 Ah, that joke just never gets old. 82 00:02:52,341 --> 00:02:54,675 And it's not at all inspired by real-life events. 83 00:02:54,677 --> 00:02:56,460 No, it is not. Mm-mm. 84 00:02:56,462 --> 00:02:58,679 Anyway, the sitter has Marvin for the night. 85 00:02:58,681 --> 00:02:59,814 Ooh! 86 00:02:59,816 --> 00:03:01,983 And now... the best thing 87 00:03:01,985 --> 00:03:03,668 to come out of my cross-country trip: 88 00:03:03,670 --> 00:03:05,486 a little segment I like to call 89 00:03:05,488 --> 00:03:09,290 "Embarrassing Souvenirs I Picked Up From Ted's Childhood Home." 90 00:03:11,628 --> 00:03:14,946 "Totally Awesome Ted." 91 00:03:14,948 --> 00:03:16,964 What, did you steal this off some other kid named Ted? 92 00:03:16,966 --> 00:03:18,332 I'm just getting warmed up here. 93 00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:19,800 This is fun. 94 00:03:19,802 --> 00:03:21,702 We're all... you know, it's... 95 00:03:21,704 --> 00:03:23,037 I'm having fun. 96 00:03:23,039 --> 00:03:25,640 When you squeeze this toy, a recording of Ted says, 97 00:03:25,642 --> 00:03:27,892 "I wuv you, Mommy!" 98 00:03:27,894 --> 00:03:29,010 Oh, but that's sweet! 99 00:03:29,012 --> 00:03:30,895 Why would we make fun of him for that? 100 00:03:30,897 --> 00:03:32,713 He gave it to her when he was 19. 101 00:03:32,715 --> 00:03:34,165 I wuv you, Mommy. 102 00:03:36,469 --> 00:03:39,720 And lastly, a photo of young Ted 103 00:03:39,722 --> 00:03:42,690 and his best friend dressed up like cowboys. 104 00:03:42,692 --> 00:03:43,691 No, oh, all right. 105 00:03:43,693 --> 00:03:45,009 Leave him alone. 106 00:03:45,011 --> 00:03:46,494 His best friend was a balloon. 107 00:03:46,496 --> 00:03:47,495 I want to see that picture 108 00:03:47,497 --> 00:03:48,737 more than I want to get married! 109 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:52,500 I hate you so much. 110 00:03:53,618 --> 00:03:56,337 Oo yah maya stupa koon! 111 00:03:56,339 --> 00:03:58,372 Ho ho ho! 112 00:03:58,374 --> 00:03:59,940 Over the years, we'd seen 113 00:03:59,942 --> 00:04:02,259 all sorts of levels of Barney's drunkenness. 114 00:04:02,261 --> 00:04:03,577 How you doin'? 115 00:04:03,579 --> 00:04:04,879 "Richard Dawson drunk..." 116 00:04:04,881 --> 00:04:06,681 Ah, is this your sister? 117 00:04:07,916 --> 00:04:09,600 "Big plans with strangers drunk..." 118 00:04:09,602 --> 00:04:10,601 Hey! 119 00:04:10,603 --> 00:04:12,003 Me and the Road Dawgs 120 00:04:12,005 --> 00:04:14,922 going splitsies on a time share in Flint, Michigan! 121 00:04:14,924 --> 00:04:16,924 And... 122 00:04:16,926 --> 00:04:19,093 non-refundably booked! 123 00:04:19,095 --> 00:04:21,696 Come on! I'm gonna buy you all some mopeds! 124 00:04:21,698 --> 00:04:22,813 Road Dawgs! 125 00:04:22,815 --> 00:04:25,116 And "Marcel Marceau drunk..." 126 00:04:26,902 --> 00:04:29,203 But we knew the night was over whenever Barney got... 127 00:04:29,205 --> 00:04:30,237 "Jabba drunk." 128 00:04:30,239 --> 00:04:32,323 So drunk that his speech 129 00:04:32,325 --> 00:04:34,125 bore an uncanny resemblance to that of... 130 00:04:34,127 --> 00:04:37,411 Jabba the Hutt from Return of the Jedi. 131 00:04:37,413 --> 00:04:38,579 Bo shuda! 132 00:04:38,581 --> 00:04:39,613 Ha ha ha! 133 00:04:39,615 --> 00:04:41,582 Okay, we have to go to bed. 134 00:04:41,584 --> 00:04:42,533 Big day tomorrow. 135 00:04:42,535 --> 00:04:43,667 Big day tomorrow! Noon-eeg Han Solo! 136 00:04:43,669 --> 00:04:44,785 Screw tomorrow! 137 00:04:44,787 --> 00:04:46,620 Let's go big tonight! 138 00:04:46,622 --> 00:04:48,639 We go big tonight! Ah wotto potto tapa ho! 139 00:04:48,641 --> 00:04:50,958 No, Marshall, let's go now. 140 00:04:51,676 --> 00:04:52,743 Okay, okay, okay, okay. 141 00:04:52,745 --> 00:04:54,311 Look, I-I guess we have to do this. 142 00:04:54,313 --> 00:04:57,581 Okay, first off, I know how important Italy was to you... 143 00:04:57,583 --> 00:04:59,650 Shut up and do me! 144 00:05:01,353 --> 00:05:03,771 Okay, we have to go to bed. 145 00:05:03,773 --> 00:05:04,939 Yeah. 146 00:05:06,241 --> 00:05:07,842 Yeah. I need to get 147 00:05:07,844 --> 00:05:09,910 my ear hair trimmed in the morning. 148 00:05:09,912 --> 00:05:11,912 It's like a rain forest in there. 149 00:05:11,914 --> 00:05:14,648 Uh, why would you volunteer that information? 150 00:05:14,650 --> 00:05:15,950 Because it's the truth. 151 00:05:15,952 --> 00:05:19,620 Also, I peed a little on my tie at the urinal. 152 00:05:19,622 --> 00:05:21,822 Uh, Barney... 153 00:05:21,824 --> 00:05:23,490 me or you? 154 00:05:23,492 --> 00:05:25,760 You're taller. I wear lifts in all my shoes. 155 00:05:25,762 --> 00:05:27,128 Oh, my God, Robin... 156 00:05:27,130 --> 00:05:29,447 Barney has reached a whole new level. 157 00:05:29,449 --> 00:05:31,632 He's "truth serum drunk." 158 00:05:31,634 --> 00:05:33,150 He can't lie. 159 00:05:33,152 --> 00:05:34,969 So we can finally get the answers 160 00:05:34,971 --> 00:05:36,637 we've always been wondering about. 161 00:05:36,639 --> 00:05:38,022 Look, I know you said you had to go to bed, 162 00:05:38,024 --> 00:05:39,056 but I really think... 163 00:05:39,058 --> 00:05:40,524 Screw tomorrow! 164 00:05:40,526 --> 00:05:41,659 We go big tonight. 165 00:05:41,661 --> 00:05:43,310 Yeah. 166 00:05:43,312 --> 00:05:45,629 Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. 167 00:05:45,631 --> 00:05:47,681 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 168 00:05:47,683 --> 00:05:48,649 We're not unpaused? 169 00:05:48,651 --> 00:05:49,733 Not yet. 170 00:05:49,735 --> 00:05:51,068 Mama needs some Papa. 171 00:05:51,070 --> 00:05:52,486 But as soon as we're done having sex, 172 00:05:52,488 --> 00:05:53,520 we are having that fight! 173 00:05:53,522 --> 00:05:55,289 Wait, so we're... 174 00:05:55,291 --> 00:05:57,524 not gonna fight 175 00:05:57,526 --> 00:06:00,494 until after we're done having sex. 176 00:06:00,496 --> 00:06:02,696 Challenge accepted. 177 00:06:03,339 --> 00:06:04,989 Um, so... just, just to be clear, 178 00:06:05,352 --> 00:06:06,952 after we finish having sex, 179 00:06:06,954 --> 00:06:08,537 that's when we'll have our fight? 180 00:06:08,539 --> 00:06:09,555 That's right. 181 00:06:09,557 --> 00:06:11,724 Excuse me. 182 00:06:17,897 --> 00:06:19,998 Okay, Marshall. 183 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,333 It's go time. 184 00:06:21,335 --> 00:06:23,335 You've had great nights of sex before, 185 00:06:23,337 --> 00:06:24,970 most of them with Lily, 186 00:06:24,972 --> 00:06:26,672 a few by yourself-- 187 00:06:26,674 --> 00:06:28,424 and we'll always have that 188 00:06:28,426 --> 00:06:30,726 Unscrambled Spice Channel Glitch of '93-- 189 00:06:30,728 --> 00:06:33,429 but this has got to be the performance of a lifetime. 190 00:06:33,431 --> 00:06:35,264 Jimi Hendrix at Monterey. 191 00:06:35,266 --> 00:06:37,483 James Brown at the Apollo. 192 00:06:37,485 --> 00:06:39,601 Your law school funk band pretty much anywhere. 193 00:06:39,603 --> 00:06:41,437 So get out there 194 00:06:41,439 --> 00:06:44,857 and bang your wife for as long as you possibly can! 195 00:06:46,993 --> 00:06:50,228 Not a good sign that I'm already out of breath. 196 00:06:52,749 --> 00:06:55,584 So... Barney will answer 197 00:06:55,586 --> 00:06:58,604 any question we ask him with the truth? 198 00:06:58,606 --> 00:06:59,888 I think so. 199 00:06:59,890 --> 00:07:01,957 Honey... 200 00:07:01,959 --> 00:07:05,544 when that Bryan Adams song came on the radio, 201 00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:07,679 did two mosquitoes really fly into your eyes 202 00:07:07,681 --> 00:07:08,714 at the same time? 203 00:07:08,716 --> 00:07:10,265 No. 204 00:07:10,267 --> 00:07:12,384 I got all choked up thinking about how 205 00:07:12,386 --> 00:07:15,504 everything he does, he does it for her. 206 00:07:15,506 --> 00:07:16,972 Checks out. 207 00:07:16,974 --> 00:07:18,106 Okay, what next? 208 00:07:18,108 --> 00:07:19,424 I mean, it's... 209 00:07:19,426 --> 00:07:20,759 it's so hard to know where to begin. 210 00:07:20,761 --> 00:07:21,760 I mean, there are so many... 211 00:07:21,762 --> 00:07:23,261 What did you do to my mom?! 212 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:25,814 Well, that night, 213 00:07:25,816 --> 00:07:27,649 we were in my car... 214 00:07:27,651 --> 00:07:29,051 I was wrong! I can't handle this! 215 00:07:29,053 --> 00:07:31,053 Uh, just tell me in baseball terms. 216 00:07:31,055 --> 00:07:33,271 I got thrown out trying to stretch 217 00:07:33,273 --> 00:07:34,606 a single into a double. 218 00:07:38,161 --> 00:07:39,545 I can live with that. 219 00:07:40,663 --> 00:07:42,781 How about that time you walked into the bar 220 00:07:42,783 --> 00:07:44,700 wearing "Triple-X-Ray Goggles"? 221 00:07:46,419 --> 00:07:49,120 Well, hello, you two lovely ladies. 222 00:07:49,122 --> 00:07:50,305 What are you wearing? 223 00:07:50,307 --> 00:07:51,507 Oh, hey, Robin, didn't see you there. 224 00:07:51,509 --> 00:07:54,626 Just Triple-X-Ray Goggles, no big deal. Oh... 225 00:07:54,628 --> 00:07:56,845 There is no way those things work. 226 00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:58,564 I'm not even here. 227 00:07:58,566 --> 00:08:00,432 Just act natural. 228 00:08:03,753 --> 00:08:05,020 Right. 229 00:08:05,022 --> 00:08:07,489 'Cause that jacket's made of lead. 230 00:08:07,491 --> 00:08:09,825 Those things didn't work, did they? 231 00:08:09,827 --> 00:08:12,361 Absolutely. Lily's boobs always work for me. 232 00:08:12,363 --> 00:08:13,946 Oh, the goggles? No. 233 00:08:13,948 --> 00:08:16,365 Next question. 234 00:08:16,367 --> 00:08:19,585 You keep saying "ring bear" 235 00:08:19,587 --> 00:08:22,153 instead of ring bear-er. 236 00:08:23,155 --> 00:08:25,457 Will there or will there not 237 00:08:25,459 --> 00:08:27,509 be a bear at our wedding? 238 00:08:27,511 --> 00:08:30,045 The truth is... 239 00:08:30,047 --> 00:08:31,830 aggle flaggle klabble. 240 00:08:31,832 --> 00:08:33,649 Wumby flappy snurp... 241 00:08:33,651 --> 00:08:35,250 Oh, my God, he's dipped back down to Jabba drunk! 242 00:08:35,252 --> 00:08:36,334 Give him another drink! 243 00:08:36,336 --> 00:08:38,186 Come on. 244 00:08:38,188 --> 00:08:40,338 Oh, yeah, baby. 245 00:08:40,340 --> 00:08:42,190 I could go all night. 246 00:08:42,192 --> 00:08:44,560 I can't hold out much longer! 247 00:08:44,562 --> 00:08:46,912 What are the least arousing things I can think of? 248 00:08:46,914 --> 00:08:50,348 ♪ Day-old roadkill 249 00:08:50,350 --> 00:08:52,784 ♪ Ah, yeah... 250 00:08:52,786 --> 00:08:54,286 ♪ Fingernail 251 00:08:54,288 --> 00:08:58,874 ♪ Fingernail clippings 252 00:08:58,876 --> 00:09:01,460 ♪ That is some dull stuff 253 00:09:01,462 --> 00:09:05,914 ♪ How your TMJ night guard smells in the morning ♪ 254 00:09:05,916 --> 00:09:08,216 ♪ Nasty 255 00:09:08,218 --> 00:09:10,252 ♪ Bugs... 256 00:09:10,254 --> 00:09:12,738 Mmm ♪ 257 00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:15,223 ♪ More bugs 258 00:09:15,225 --> 00:09:16,858 It's working! It's working! 259 00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:19,595 Uh-oh, it's working too well. 260 00:09:19,597 --> 00:09:22,915 Think sexy thoughts. Think sexy thoughts! 261 00:09:22,917 --> 00:09:26,418 ♪ Bugs with boobs... 262 00:09:26,420 --> 00:09:27,886 Marshall, are you all right? 263 00:09:27,888 --> 00:09:28,987 You don't seem to be, um... 264 00:09:28,989 --> 00:09:32,240 Please, uh, excuse Medium-Sized Fudge. 265 00:09:33,509 --> 00:09:36,061 6 and 3/64 inches. 266 00:09:36,063 --> 00:09:37,362 Yeah, he's back to telling the truth. 267 00:09:37,364 --> 00:09:38,630 Okay, Barney, 268 00:09:38,632 --> 00:09:40,398 how are you always able to do that magic trick 269 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,034 where you make doves appear? 270 00:09:42,036 --> 00:09:45,253 Special dehydrated birds I get in Chinatown. 271 00:09:48,091 --> 00:09:49,625 I knew it! 272 00:09:49,627 --> 00:09:51,910 Okay. Okay. 273 00:09:51,912 --> 00:09:54,262 Will there or will there not 274 00:09:54,264 --> 00:09:56,715 be a bear at our wedding? 275 00:09:56,717 --> 00:09:58,250 The truth is... 276 00:09:58,252 --> 00:10:00,552 Barney... Oh, come on! 277 00:10:00,554 --> 00:10:02,020 I know that you always say 278 00:10:02,022 --> 00:10:03,388 that you don't need any kind of 279 00:10:03,390 --> 00:10:05,774 "help" in bed, but if you, um... 280 00:10:05,776 --> 00:10:07,442 I always keep these on hand. 281 00:10:07,444 --> 00:10:08,894 But be careful. 282 00:10:08,896 --> 00:10:11,313 When you go off, there's a kickback like a cannon. 283 00:10:11,315 --> 00:10:13,198 Thank you. 284 00:10:14,934 --> 00:10:17,268 How much a year do you spend on suits? 285 00:10:17,270 --> 00:10:19,988 Kids, I won't bother you with the number... 286 00:10:19,990 --> 00:10:22,040 but it was a crapload. 287 00:10:22,042 --> 00:10:23,892 Around one crapload. 288 00:10:23,894 --> 00:10:25,243 That much? 289 00:10:25,245 --> 00:10:26,795 Well... aren't you concerned about your future? 290 00:10:26,797 --> 00:10:27,946 Nope. 291 00:10:27,948 --> 00:10:29,915 Especially since Robin is massively wealthy. 292 00:10:29,917 --> 00:10:31,350 Barney! What? 293 00:10:31,352 --> 00:10:32,501 You're rich? 294 00:10:32,503 --> 00:10:33,652 L-Like how rich? 295 00:10:33,654 --> 00:10:34,920 It's my family's money, not mine. 296 00:10:34,922 --> 00:10:35,971 I-I don't really know how much. 297 00:10:35,973 --> 00:10:37,339 How much is her family worth? 298 00:10:37,341 --> 00:10:38,924 6,000 craploads. 299 00:10:38,926 --> 00:10:40,291 Canadian craploads. 300 00:10:40,293 --> 00:10:41,626 That much?! 301 00:10:41,628 --> 00:10:42,627 But when we dated, 302 00:10:42,629 --> 00:10:43,962 I paid for everything. 303 00:10:43,964 --> 00:10:45,580 You didn't pay for everything. 304 00:10:45,582 --> 00:10:46,565 He paid for everything. 305 00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:48,450 I pick up our bar tab all the time. 306 00:10:48,452 --> 00:10:50,102 Three times in the last nine years. 307 00:10:50,104 --> 00:10:52,270 I took you out to tons of four-star restaurants. 308 00:10:52,272 --> 00:10:53,355 Two-star restaurants. 309 00:10:53,357 --> 00:10:55,140 Figuring, on average, two meals out a week 310 00:10:55,142 --> 00:10:56,641 plus 20% tip... 311 00:10:56,643 --> 00:10:57,859 12 and a half percent tip. 312 00:10:57,861 --> 00:11:00,162 Do you know how much money you cost me? 313 00:11:00,164 --> 00:11:01,513 What am I? A prostitute? 314 00:11:01,515 --> 00:11:02,998 You are not a prostitute. 315 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,083 No, a prostitute would've been cheaper. 316 00:11:05,085 --> 00:11:07,069 Depends on the prostitute. 317 00:11:07,071 --> 00:11:09,237 Wait, hold on, Ted What are we doing? 318 00:11:09,239 --> 00:11:10,655 You're arguing about Robin's wealth 319 00:11:10,657 --> 00:11:13,125 when you really should be asking me embarrassing questions. 320 00:11:13,127 --> 00:11:14,676 He's right. 321 00:11:14,678 --> 00:11:15,594 Let's do this. 322 00:11:15,596 --> 00:11:17,045 And so we did it. 323 00:11:17,047 --> 00:11:18,747 We asked Barney all the questions 324 00:11:18,749 --> 00:11:19,731 we'd always wanted to. 325 00:11:19,733 --> 00:11:22,434 In one night? Four. 326 00:11:22,436 --> 00:11:25,070 In one family? Three. 327 00:11:25,072 --> 00:11:28,440 Yes, but not while she was secretary of state. 328 00:11:28,442 --> 00:11:32,060 Yes, but not while she was secretary of state. 329 00:11:32,062 --> 00:11:33,478 Just once. 330 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,514 With a French male model Henri. 331 00:11:36,516 --> 00:11:37,783 It was late. 332 00:11:37,785 --> 00:11:39,701 We were the last two people in the club. 333 00:11:39,703 --> 00:11:42,154 I was lonely and I figured, why not try it? 334 00:11:43,456 --> 00:11:46,224 That was the only time I ever split a cab. 335 00:11:46,226 --> 00:11:49,077 Yes, but not the M.I.T. you're thinking of. 336 00:11:49,079 --> 00:11:51,963 The Magician's Institute of Teaneck. 337 00:11:51,965 --> 00:11:55,667 I've had sex in Ted's bed 14 times. 338 00:11:55,669 --> 00:11:59,204 I asked if you wear shoulder pads. 339 00:11:59,206 --> 00:12:01,723 I think I've just got one question left. 340 00:12:01,725 --> 00:12:03,291 And it's a biggie. 341 00:12:04,143 --> 00:12:06,394 Barney Stinson... 342 00:12:06,396 --> 00:12:08,647 ...what do you do for a living? 343 00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:12,584 You did it. 344 00:12:12,586 --> 00:12:15,386 You banged your wife to sleep. 345 00:12:15,388 --> 00:12:17,572 Nice job... 346 00:12:19,358 --> 00:12:21,910 Still-Big Fudge. 347 00:12:24,563 --> 00:12:26,698 I wuv you, Mommy. 348 00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:27,866 Unpause. 349 00:12:29,823 --> 00:12:31,816 Kids, in all the time we knew Barney, 350 00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:34,868 there was one question he would always answer the same way. 351 00:12:34,870 --> 00:12:36,603 Seriously, what is it that you do? 352 00:12:36,605 --> 00:12:37,988 Please. 353 00:12:37,990 --> 00:12:38,955 Okay, seriously. 354 00:12:38,957 --> 00:12:40,624 What do you do for a living? 355 00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:42,259 Please. 356 00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,494 Are you finally gonna tell me exactly what your job is? 357 00:12:44,496 --> 00:12:46,163 Please. 358 00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:48,982 So, naturally, this was a pretty big moment for us. 359 00:12:48,984 --> 00:12:52,952 Well, what do you do for a living? 360 00:12:56,457 --> 00:12:58,291 Please. 361 00:12:58,293 --> 00:12:59,559 God, he's not telling us. 362 00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:00,560 More booze. 363 00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:03,013 Not so fast, princess. 364 00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:04,848 I guess subtle clues and the bar tab 365 00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:06,817 are two things you just don't pick up. 366 00:13:06,819 --> 00:13:07,967 Because... 367 00:13:07,969 --> 00:13:10,437 I think he is telling us. 368 00:13:10,439 --> 00:13:12,739 Tell us more about this job. 369 00:13:13,658 --> 00:13:14,891 Well, as you know, 370 00:13:14,893 --> 00:13:16,493 back in my hippie days, 371 00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:18,445 a business man came into my coffee shop, 372 00:13:18,447 --> 00:13:20,280 told me money was all that mattered, 373 00:13:20,282 --> 00:13:21,698 and stole my girlfriend. 374 00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:25,318 That's when I decided to become awesome. 375 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,855 But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. 376 00:13:28,857 --> 00:13:30,257 So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, 377 00:13:30,259 --> 00:13:31,991 I went to the one person from whom 378 00:13:31,993 --> 00:13:34,594 I knew I could learn everything. 379 00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,012 Do we know each other, bro? 380 00:13:36,014 --> 00:13:39,683 We're all connected in Gaia's great tapestry of... 381 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,768 No. 382 00:13:41,770 --> 00:13:43,103 We don't. 383 00:13:43,105 --> 00:13:44,938 Bro. 384 00:13:46,224 --> 00:13:47,557 Wow, you went to M.I.T. 385 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:48,725 Pretty impressive. 386 00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:51,611 I did get a perfect score on the A.C.T.'s. 387 00:13:51,613 --> 00:13:54,614 Advanced Card Tricks. 388 00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:55,816 Well, look, buddy. 389 00:13:55,818 --> 00:13:57,317 You got a sweet résumé. 390 00:13:57,319 --> 00:13:59,402 But we don't have any openings you're qualified for. 391 00:13:59,404 --> 00:14:02,072 They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap! 392 00:14:04,024 --> 00:14:06,676 We have one opening you'd be perfect for. 393 00:14:06,678 --> 00:14:08,745 Great. What do I do? 394 00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:10,831 Please. 395 00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:13,250 "Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything." 396 00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:14,467 Just show up every day, 397 00:14:14,469 --> 00:14:16,186 scribble your name on a bunch of documents, 398 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,221 and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. 399 00:14:19,373 --> 00:14:20,507 Deets are in the contract. 400 00:14:20,509 --> 00:14:21,949 I'll give you time to think about it. 401 00:14:23,511 --> 00:14:24,928 I'll take it. 402 00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:25,979 Hold on. 403 00:14:25,981 --> 00:14:27,631 Did you even read this before signing it? 404 00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:28,598 No. 405 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:29,933 You're hired. 406 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:33,486 We'll work on that. 407 00:14:33,488 --> 00:14:34,855 Wait. 408 00:14:34,857 --> 00:14:35,856 That's your job? 409 00:14:35,858 --> 00:14:38,074 You sign sketchy, legally binding documents 410 00:14:38,076 --> 00:14:40,227 that could implicate you for God knows what? 411 00:14:40,229 --> 00:14:42,379 Best job ever, right? 412 00:14:43,598 --> 00:14:45,665 No more pausing. 413 00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,367 We're getting through this argument. 414 00:14:47,369 --> 00:14:49,252 Okay. 415 00:14:49,254 --> 00:14:51,221 No potshots at my mom. 416 00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:53,006 Fine, no distracting me with your calves. 417 00:14:53,008 --> 00:14:55,208 Fine. 418 00:14:58,813 --> 00:15:01,264 Look, I love you, Lilypad. 419 00:15:01,266 --> 00:15:02,933 I love you, Marshmallow. 420 00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:04,851 Now... 421 00:15:06,521 --> 00:15:09,823 ...how could you take that job without telling me?! 422 00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:12,774 Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed an answer right away. 423 00:15:12,775 --> 00:15:13,891 This is a huge opportunity, 424 00:15:13,893 --> 00:15:15,610 it could be very good for our family, 425 00:15:15,612 --> 00:15:17,562 and we have to at least talk about it. 426 00:15:17,564 --> 00:15:20,314 Sorry, you lost your chance to talk about it 427 00:15:20,316 --> 00:15:22,366 when you didn't talk about it. 428 00:15:23,101 --> 00:15:24,685 We're going to Italy. 429 00:15:24,687 --> 00:15:26,153 But I could be a judge. 430 00:15:26,155 --> 00:15:29,290 We can't give that up for what is clearly just a hobby. 431 00:15:29,292 --> 00:15:30,458 Pause. 432 00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:31,709 No pause. 433 00:15:31,711 --> 00:15:33,694 That "hobby" is my dream. 434 00:15:33,696 --> 00:15:35,379 We're going to Italy. 435 00:15:35,381 --> 00:15:36,464 But it's my dream to... 436 00:15:36,466 --> 00:15:37,715 We are going to Italy! 437 00:15:37,717 --> 00:15:39,083 Baby, can you just...? 438 00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:40,718 We are going to Italy! 439 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:41,919 Don't you get it? 440 00:15:41,921 --> 00:15:44,088 You went behind my back. 441 00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:45,806 You hurt me. 442 00:15:45,808 --> 00:15:49,777 You were more selfish than I have ever been to you. 443 00:15:49,779 --> 00:15:54,682 You broke up with me and moved to San Francisco. 444 00:15:55,817 --> 00:15:57,602 Barney! You're being stupid. 445 00:15:57,604 --> 00:16:00,104 The-the-the company is setting you up as their fall guy 446 00:16:00,106 --> 00:16:02,690 for all of their illegal activities. 447 00:16:02,692 --> 00:16:05,526 No, you guys are being stupid. 448 00:16:05,528 --> 00:16:07,078 Especially Ted. 449 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,663 What? I didn't say anything. 450 00:16:08,665 --> 00:16:12,450 And then, kids, Barney revealed to us his master plan. 451 00:16:12,452 --> 00:16:14,986 It all went down a few months after the wedding. 452 00:16:14,988 --> 00:16:16,904 Hey, Greg? 453 00:16:16,906 --> 00:16:18,256 I know you're busy, 454 00:16:18,258 --> 00:16:20,324 but FYI, I've been colluding with the Feds. 455 00:16:20,326 --> 00:16:21,592 They know everything. 456 00:16:21,594 --> 00:16:23,127 And they're on their way up right now 457 00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:24,762 to shut down this division and arrest you. 458 00:16:24,764 --> 00:16:26,097 Door closed or...? 459 00:16:26,099 --> 00:16:27,431 What? 460 00:16:27,433 --> 00:16:28,799 Why would you do that? 461 00:16:28,801 --> 00:16:31,435 Oh, gosh, countless moral reasons... 462 00:16:31,437 --> 00:16:32,853 could have applied, 463 00:16:32,855 --> 00:16:36,641 but this is pretty much revenge for stealing my girlfriend. 464 00:16:36,643 --> 00:16:38,258 See? That day, I vowed 465 00:16:38,260 --> 00:16:40,761 I would do everything in my power to track you down, 466 00:16:40,763 --> 00:16:42,480 gain your trust, 467 00:16:42,482 --> 00:16:45,232 and then destroy you. 468 00:16:45,234 --> 00:16:46,534 Who are you? 469 00:16:46,536 --> 00:16:47,568 Who am I? 470 00:16:47,570 --> 00:16:49,236 Just a guy who served you 471 00:16:49,238 --> 00:16:50,771 coffee once. 472 00:16:50,773 --> 00:16:52,056 Peace out, loser. 473 00:16:52,058 --> 00:16:53,908 ♪ Barney Stinson, Barney Stinson ♪ 474 00:16:53,910 --> 00:16:55,543 You son of a bitch! ♪ That guy's awesome ♪ 475 00:16:55,545 --> 00:16:58,278 I will destroy you! Get your hands off of me. 476 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,399 ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh 477 00:17:01,401 --> 00:17:03,751 ♪ Awesome. 478 00:17:03,753 --> 00:17:05,219 Why are you 479 00:17:05,221 --> 00:17:06,804 bringing up San Francisco? 480 00:17:06,806 --> 00:17:08,839 That was seven years ago. 481 00:17:08,841 --> 00:17:10,791 Because you are being 482 00:17:10,793 --> 00:17:13,177 selfish all over again. 483 00:17:13,179 --> 00:17:15,062 Marshall, I apologized 484 00:17:15,064 --> 00:17:17,631 over and over again. 485 00:17:17,633 --> 00:17:20,351 Now you're saying you never have forgiven me? 486 00:17:20,353 --> 00:17:21,485 There is 487 00:17:21,487 --> 00:17:24,405 nothing more important to me than our family. 488 00:17:24,407 --> 00:17:25,656 You know that. 489 00:17:25,658 --> 00:17:26,907 Well, let me ask. 490 00:17:26,909 --> 00:17:29,443 What if you had found success in San Francisco? 491 00:17:30,178 --> 00:17:31,662 How do I know that you even 492 00:17:31,664 --> 00:17:32,880 would've come back to me? 493 00:17:32,882 --> 00:17:34,648 Stop it. 494 00:17:34,650 --> 00:17:36,117 Are Marvin and I 495 00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:38,753 and any other future children we may have 496 00:17:38,755 --> 00:17:41,339 just some consolation prize? 497 00:17:41,341 --> 00:17:43,507 I have to get out of here. 498 00:17:45,827 --> 00:17:46,794 Babe? 499 00:17:49,098 --> 00:17:50,297 So, Barney, 500 00:17:50,299 --> 00:17:51,799 I still haven't heard you pronounce 501 00:17:51,801 --> 00:17:53,217 that last syllable. 502 00:17:54,019 --> 00:17:57,438 At our wedding, will there be 503 00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,890 a ring bear-er? 504 00:18:01,394 --> 00:18:03,144 The truth is... 505 00:18:04,046 --> 00:18:07,048 ...yes, there will be a ring bear-er. 506 00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:09,033 His name is Trevor Hudson, 507 00:18:09,035 --> 00:18:11,168 I worked with his mother, and he's adorable. 508 00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:13,988 I want our wedding to be perfect, Robin. 509 00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:15,823 Me, too. 510 00:18:16,792 --> 00:18:17,858 Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs. 511 00:18:17,860 --> 00:18:18,993 He's okay to crash with you, right? 512 00:18:18,995 --> 00:18:21,078 Yup, we'll see you in the morning. 513 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,747 Hmm. 514 00:18:22,749 --> 00:18:23,914 I love you. 515 00:18:23,916 --> 00:18:25,716 I love you, too. 516 00:18:29,638 --> 00:18:32,506 Okay, I got one last question for you. 517 00:18:32,508 --> 00:18:34,608 And I can't believe I haven't asked it yet. 518 00:18:34,610 --> 00:18:37,244 Dude, you're getting married tomorrow. 519 00:18:38,413 --> 00:18:40,381 How are you doing? Good. 520 00:18:40,383 --> 00:18:42,983 I mean, I'm a little nervous, 521 00:18:42,985 --> 00:18:46,720 but I love Robin more than I've ever loved anyone, 522 00:18:46,722 --> 00:18:49,340 and I'm gonna do everything I can to make her happy. 523 00:18:49,342 --> 00:18:50,858 For a long time, 524 00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:53,060 deep down, 525 00:18:53,062 --> 00:18:55,229 I've felt sort of... 526 00:18:55,231 --> 00:18:57,998 broken? 527 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,451 I don't feel that way anymore. 528 00:19:00,453 --> 00:19:02,736 Robin, along with the idea 529 00:19:02,738 --> 00:19:05,506 that vengeance will soon be mine, 530 00:19:05,508 --> 00:19:09,343 has made me 100% awesome. 531 00:19:09,345 --> 00:19:10,611 I'm proud of you, buddy. 532 00:19:10,613 --> 00:19:13,597 Globan froban. 533 00:19:13,599 --> 00:19:14,682 Ho, ho, ho. 534 00:19:14,684 --> 00:19:15,683 Okay. 535 00:19:15,685 --> 00:19:16,934 Come on, Jabba. 536 00:19:16,936 --> 00:19:17,885 Big day tomorrow. 537 00:19:17,887 --> 00:19:20,054 Tab for the night? 538 00:19:20,056 --> 00:19:21,588 Just so you know, 539 00:19:21,590 --> 00:19:25,109 those last few rounds of 35-year Glen McKenna were not cheap. 540 00:19:25,111 --> 00:19:26,193 Whoa. 541 00:19:26,195 --> 00:19:27,261 Um... 542 00:19:27,263 --> 00:19:28,612 you know what? 543 00:19:28,614 --> 00:19:29,897 Charge them to the bride's room. 544 00:19:29,899 --> 00:19:31,065 Thank you. 545 00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,099 Come on. 546 00:19:32,101 --> 00:19:34,034 Let's go. We got you. 547 00:19:34,036 --> 00:19:36,787 Kids, it's your grandmother's favorite rule. 548 00:19:36,789 --> 00:19:39,140 Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. 549 00:19:39,142 --> 00:19:42,276 Hi. I-I know it's late, but I've got to get out of here. 550 00:19:42,278 --> 00:19:45,296 Marshall and I just had a huge fight. 551 00:19:45,298 --> 00:19:47,581 You will? 552 00:19:47,583 --> 00:19:50,334 Oh, my God, thank you. 553 00:20:02,564 --> 00:20:04,181 Okay, here we go. 554 00:20:04,183 --> 00:20:06,350 You good, yeah? Yeah. 555 00:20:06,352 --> 00:20:08,769 Okay. 556 00:20:08,771 --> 00:20:09,803 Okay. 557 00:20:09,805 --> 00:20:10,905 Everything is fine. 558 00:20:10,907 --> 00:20:11,989 Okay? Just don't freak out. 559 00:20:11,991 --> 00:20:12,973 I'm not freaking out. 560 00:20:12,975 --> 00:20:13,991 I was talking to myself. 561 00:20:13,993 --> 00:20:15,526 Do you have the baby? 562 00:20:15,528 --> 00:20:16,877 The elevator! What?! 563 00:20:16,879 --> 00:20:18,612 Marshall and Lily are right. It never gets old. 564 00:20:18,614 --> 00:20:20,080 Unless you're crowning. 565 00:20:20,082 --> 00:20:21,916 So proud of you. Thank you. 566 00:20:21,918 --> 00:20:23,584 Penny is proud of you. 567 00:20:23,586 --> 00:20:25,202 Let's go get you a brother. 568 00:20:25,204 --> 00:20:26,804 Okay? Hmm? 569 00:20:26,806 --> 00:20:27,872 You want a brother? All right? 570 00:20:27,874 --> 00:20:30,157 I love you. I love you, too. 571 00:20:30,159 --> 00:20:31,325 You're gonna be great. 572 00:20:31,327 --> 00:20:32,476 Yeah, okay. 573 00:20:32,478 --> 00:20:35,095 2:00 a.m., it's a good rule, 574 00:20:35,097 --> 00:20:37,497 but every rule has an exception. 575 00:20:37,499 --> 00:20:40,267 And for us, that exception was you, Luke. 576 00:20:40,269 --> 00:20:42,136 We're having a baby! 577 00:20:47,596 --> 00:20:49,380 Come on, Trevor Hudson. 578 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:50,765 It's feeding time. 579 00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:55,767 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man