1
00:00:00,466 --> 00:00:02,284
Okay, it's over.
2
00:00:02,309 --> 00:00:04,273
Starting the clock now.
3
00:00:06,509 --> 00:00:08,793
Labor sucks, huh?
Yeah.
4
00:00:08,795 --> 00:00:10,294
That fun-sounding name?
5
00:00:10,296 --> 00:00:11,929
It's totally misleading.
6
00:00:12,982 --> 00:00:14,148
Better have this baby soon.
7
00:00:14,150 --> 00:00:15,950
You know my
mom's rule:
8
00:00:15,952 --> 00:00:18,152
Nothing good happens
after 2:00 a.m.
9
00:00:18,154 --> 00:00:19,237
I don't buy it.
10
00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:21,773
Just like I don't buy
what her son told me:
11
00:00:21,775 --> 00:00:23,374
"Let's go away
for one last weekend
12
00:00:23,376 --> 00:00:24,709
"before the baby comes.
13
00:00:24,711 --> 00:00:26,327
We'll be fine!"
14
00:00:26,329 --> 00:00:28,246
Well, I hate
to point fingers,
15
00:00:28,248 --> 00:00:30,381
but you should
never listen to me.
16
00:00:30,383 --> 00:00:31,582
You know that.
17
00:00:31,584 --> 00:00:32,967
That's my bad.
18
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:36,036
Oh!
19
00:00:36,038 --> 00:00:37,472
Here comes another one.
Already?
20
00:00:37,474 --> 00:00:38,639
Yeah. Yeah yep.
Okay, okay, okay.
21
00:00:38,641 --> 00:00:40,374
We should get you to
the hospital. Come on.
22
00:00:40,376 --> 00:00:41,726
Okay.
23
00:00:41,728 --> 00:00:42,894
Oh, here we go.
24
00:00:42,896 --> 00:00:46,347
Sho-sho-shoes,
baby-baby-baby...
25
00:00:49,017 --> 00:00:51,435
You guys can't still see where
Marshall slapped me, can you?
26
00:00:51,437 --> 00:00:54,105
Your face looks like
a "don't walk" signal.
27
00:00:54,107 --> 00:00:55,490
Your face looks like
a photo negative
28
00:00:55,492 --> 00:00:56,774
of the Hamburger Helper box.
29
00:00:56,776 --> 00:00:58,609
A palm reader could
tell Marshall's future
30
00:00:58,611 --> 00:01:00,244
by studying your face.
31
00:01:00,246 --> 00:01:02,563
The phrase "talk to the hand
'cause the face ain't listening"
32
00:01:02,565 --> 00:01:03,664
doesn't work for you
33
00:01:03,666 --> 00:01:05,616
because the hand
is on your face.
34
00:01:05,618 --> 00:01:08,336
A simple "yes"
would've sufficed.
35
00:01:09,004 --> 00:01:10,421
Oh, baby,
36
00:01:10,423 --> 00:01:12,072
I missed you so much.
37
00:01:12,074 --> 00:01:13,624
I am so angry!
38
00:01:13,626 --> 00:01:16,410
I am gonna tear you
apart tonight.
39
00:01:16,412 --> 00:01:17,628
I am gonna
tear you
40
00:01:17,630 --> 00:01:19,130
apart tonight!
Okay, okay.
41
00:01:19,132 --> 00:01:20,748
Look, we said
that we wouldn't fight
42
00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:23,401
until the gang was all done
hanging out, remember?
43
00:01:23,403 --> 00:01:25,586
Ever since Lily
heard that Marshall
44
00:01:25,588 --> 00:01:27,254
had accepted an offer
to be a judge,
45
00:01:27,256 --> 00:01:29,724
thus jeopardizing
their planned year in Italy,
46
00:01:29,726 --> 00:01:31,576
they both knew
a big fight was coming.
47
00:01:31,578 --> 00:01:33,911
But when they finally
saw each other...
48
00:01:33,913 --> 00:01:35,763
Pause?
49
00:01:35,765 --> 00:01:37,198
Pause.
50
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,483
See, Lily and Marshall
had a long tradition
51
00:01:39,485 --> 00:01:41,536
of hitting "pause"
on their arguments.
52
00:01:41,538 --> 00:01:43,437
Sometimes they paused because
53
00:01:43,439 --> 00:01:45,573
they suddenly had
other things to do.
54
00:01:45,575 --> 00:01:47,758
We have to stick
to our budget! Okay?
55
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,744
You cannot be out there
buying all these
56
00:01:49,746 --> 00:01:51,495
Brazilian bikini waxes
57
00:01:51,497 --> 00:01:53,280
and Kama Sutra body oils
58
00:01:53,282 --> 00:01:54,932
and edible...
Pause.
59
00:01:56,168 --> 00:01:58,302
Sometimes, they paused
to keep their fights
60
00:01:58,304 --> 00:01:59,921
from subtly changing subjects.
61
00:01:59,923 --> 00:02:01,455
Baby, I cannot
put up with
62
00:02:01,457 --> 00:02:03,591
your shoes being
all over the house!
63
00:02:03,593 --> 00:02:05,643
Why not? I put up with
your terrible mother.
64
00:02:06,629 --> 00:02:08,095
Pause!
Pause.
65
00:02:08,097 --> 00:02:09,597
And now that they were paused,
66
00:02:09,599 --> 00:02:11,482
Marshall realized
he would do anything
67
00:02:11,484 --> 00:02:13,768
to stay paused
for as long as he could.
68
00:02:13,770 --> 00:02:15,469
Okay, time
to go to bed.
69
00:02:15,471 --> 00:02:16,604
Big day tomorrow.
70
00:02:16,606 --> 00:02:17,572
Big day tomorrow!
Big day tomorrow!
71
00:02:17,574 --> 00:02:18,656
Screw tomorrow!
72
00:02:18,658 --> 00:02:19,857
We go big tonight, huh?
73
00:02:19,859 --> 00:02:22,660
We go big tonight!
We go big tonight!
74
00:02:22,662 --> 00:02:24,245
I mean, uh...
75
00:02:24,247 --> 00:02:25,496
come on, you know, uh,
76
00:02:25,498 --> 00:02:27,748
what time
is it, anyway?
77
00:02:31,202 --> 00:02:35,202
♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x15 ♪
Unpause
Original Air Date on January 20, 2014
78
00:02:35,227 --> 00:02:40,227
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
79
00:02:44,383 --> 00:02:46,333
Hey, where's
the baby?
80
00:02:47,886 --> 00:02:49,637
The elevator!
The elevator!
81
00:02:50,890 --> 00:02:52,339
Ah, that joke just
never gets old.
82
00:02:52,341 --> 00:02:54,675
And it's not at all inspired
by real-life events.
83
00:02:54,677 --> 00:02:56,460
No, it is not.
Mm-mm.
84
00:02:56,462 --> 00:02:58,679
Anyway, the sitter has
Marvin for the night.
85
00:02:58,681 --> 00:02:59,814
Ooh!
86
00:02:59,816 --> 00:03:01,983
And now...
the best thing
87
00:03:01,985 --> 00:03:03,668
to come out of my
cross-country trip:
88
00:03:03,670 --> 00:03:05,486
a little segment I like to call
89
00:03:05,488 --> 00:03:09,290
"Embarrassing Souvenirs I Picked
Up From Ted's Childhood Home."
90
00:03:11,628 --> 00:03:14,946
"Totally
Awesome Ted."
91
00:03:14,948 --> 00:03:16,964
What, did you steal this off
some other kid named Ted?
92
00:03:16,966 --> 00:03:18,332
I'm just getting
warmed up here.
93
00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:19,800
This is fun.
94
00:03:19,802 --> 00:03:21,702
We're all...
you know, it's...
95
00:03:21,704 --> 00:03:23,037
I'm having fun.
96
00:03:23,039 --> 00:03:25,640
When you squeeze this toy,
a recording of Ted says,
97
00:03:25,642 --> 00:03:27,892
"I wuv you, Mommy!"
98
00:03:27,894 --> 00:03:29,010
Oh, but
that's sweet!
99
00:03:29,012 --> 00:03:30,895
Why would we make
fun of him for that?
100
00:03:30,897 --> 00:03:32,713
He gave it to her
when he was 19.
101
00:03:32,715 --> 00:03:34,165
I wuv you, Mommy.
102
00:03:36,469 --> 00:03:39,720
And lastly, a photo
of young Ted
103
00:03:39,722 --> 00:03:42,690
and his best friend
dressed up like cowboys.
104
00:03:42,692 --> 00:03:43,691
No, oh, all right.
105
00:03:43,693 --> 00:03:45,009
Leave him alone.
106
00:03:45,011 --> 00:03:46,494
His best friend
was a balloon.
107
00:03:46,496 --> 00:03:47,495
I want to see that picture
108
00:03:47,497 --> 00:03:48,737
more than I want
to get married!
109
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:52,500
I hate you so much.
110
00:03:53,618 --> 00:03:56,337
Oo yah maya stupa koon!
111
00:03:56,339 --> 00:03:58,372
Ho ho ho!
112
00:03:58,374 --> 00:03:59,940
Over the years, we'd seen
113
00:03:59,942 --> 00:04:02,259
all sorts of levels
of Barney's drunkenness.
114
00:04:02,261 --> 00:04:03,577
How you doin'?
115
00:04:03,579 --> 00:04:04,879
"Richard Dawson drunk..."
116
00:04:04,881 --> 00:04:06,681
Ah, is this
your sister?
117
00:04:07,916 --> 00:04:09,600
"Big plans with strangers
drunk..."
118
00:04:09,602 --> 00:04:10,601
Hey!
119
00:04:10,603 --> 00:04:12,003
Me and the Road Dawgs
120
00:04:12,005 --> 00:04:14,922
going splitsies on a time share
in Flint, Michigan!
121
00:04:14,924 --> 00:04:16,924
And...
122
00:04:16,926 --> 00:04:19,093
non-refundably booked!
123
00:04:19,095 --> 00:04:21,696
Come on! I'm gonna buy
you all some mopeds!
124
00:04:21,698 --> 00:04:22,813
Road Dawgs!
125
00:04:22,815 --> 00:04:25,116
And "Marcel Marceau drunk..."
126
00:04:26,902 --> 00:04:29,203
But we knew the night was over
whenever Barney got...
127
00:04:29,205 --> 00:04:30,237
"Jabba drunk."
128
00:04:30,239 --> 00:04:32,323
So drunk that his speech
129
00:04:32,325 --> 00:04:34,125
bore an uncanny
resemblance to that of...
130
00:04:34,127 --> 00:04:37,411
Jabba the Hutt from
Return of the Jedi.
131
00:04:37,413 --> 00:04:38,579
Bo shuda!
132
00:04:38,581 --> 00:04:39,613
Ha ha ha!
133
00:04:39,615 --> 00:04:41,582
Okay, we have to go to bed.
134
00:04:41,584 --> 00:04:42,533
Big day tomorrow.
135
00:04:42,535 --> 00:04:43,667
Big day tomorrow!
Noon-eeg Han Solo!
136
00:04:43,669 --> 00:04:44,785
Screw tomorrow!
137
00:04:44,787 --> 00:04:46,620
Let's go big tonight!
138
00:04:46,622 --> 00:04:48,639
We go big tonight!
Ah wotto potto tapa ho!
139
00:04:48,641 --> 00:04:50,958
No, Marshall, let's go now.
140
00:04:51,676 --> 00:04:52,743
Okay, okay,
okay, okay.
141
00:04:52,745 --> 00:04:54,311
Look, I-I guess we
have to do this.
142
00:04:54,313 --> 00:04:57,581
Okay, first off, I know how
important Italy was to you...
143
00:04:57,583 --> 00:04:59,650
Shut up and do me!
144
00:05:01,353 --> 00:05:03,771
Okay, we have
to go to bed.
145
00:05:03,773 --> 00:05:04,939
Yeah.
146
00:05:06,241 --> 00:05:07,842
Yeah.
I need to get
147
00:05:07,844 --> 00:05:09,910
my ear hair trimmed
in the morning.
148
00:05:09,912 --> 00:05:11,912
It's like a rain forest
in there.
149
00:05:11,914 --> 00:05:14,648
Uh, why would you volunteer
that information?
150
00:05:14,650 --> 00:05:15,950
Because it's the truth.
151
00:05:15,952 --> 00:05:19,620
Also, I peed a little
on my tie at the urinal.
152
00:05:19,622 --> 00:05:21,822
Uh, Barney...
153
00:05:21,824 --> 00:05:23,490
me or you?
154
00:05:23,492 --> 00:05:25,760
You're taller.
I wear lifts in all my shoes.
155
00:05:25,762 --> 00:05:27,128
Oh, my God, Robin...
156
00:05:27,130 --> 00:05:29,447
Barney has reached
a whole new level.
157
00:05:29,449 --> 00:05:31,632
He's "truth serum drunk."
158
00:05:31,634 --> 00:05:33,150
He can't lie.
159
00:05:33,152 --> 00:05:34,969
So we can finally
get the answers
160
00:05:34,971 --> 00:05:36,637
we've always
been wondering about.
161
00:05:36,639 --> 00:05:38,022
Look, I know you said
you had to go to bed,
162
00:05:38,024 --> 00:05:39,056
but I really think...
163
00:05:39,058 --> 00:05:40,524
Screw tomorrow!
164
00:05:40,526 --> 00:05:41,659
We go big tonight.
165
00:05:41,661 --> 00:05:43,310
Yeah.
166
00:05:43,312 --> 00:05:45,629
Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
167
00:05:45,631 --> 00:05:47,681
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
168
00:05:47,683 --> 00:05:48,649
We're not unpaused?
169
00:05:48,651 --> 00:05:49,733
Not yet.
170
00:05:49,735 --> 00:05:51,068
Mama needs some Papa.
171
00:05:51,070 --> 00:05:52,486
But as soon as we're
done having sex,
172
00:05:52,488 --> 00:05:53,520
we are having that fight!
173
00:05:53,522 --> 00:05:55,289
Wait, so we're...
174
00:05:55,291 --> 00:05:57,524
not gonna fight
175
00:05:57,526 --> 00:06:00,494
until after we're
done having sex.
176
00:06:00,496 --> 00:06:02,696
Challenge accepted.
177
00:06:03,339 --> 00:06:04,989
Um, so... just,
just to be clear,
178
00:06:05,352 --> 00:06:06,952
after we finish
having sex,
179
00:06:06,954 --> 00:06:08,537
that's when we'll
have our fight?
180
00:06:08,539 --> 00:06:09,555
That's right.
181
00:06:09,557 --> 00:06:11,724
Excuse me.
182
00:06:17,897 --> 00:06:19,998
Okay, Marshall.
183
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,333
It's go time.
184
00:06:21,335 --> 00:06:23,335
You've had great nights
of sex before,
185
00:06:23,337 --> 00:06:24,970
most of them with Lily,
186
00:06:24,972 --> 00:06:26,672
a few by yourself--
187
00:06:26,674 --> 00:06:28,424
and we'll always have that
188
00:06:28,426 --> 00:06:30,726
Unscrambled Spice Channel
Glitch of '93--
189
00:06:30,728 --> 00:06:33,429
but this has got to be
the performance of a lifetime.
190
00:06:33,431 --> 00:06:35,264
Jimi Hendrix at Monterey.
191
00:06:35,266 --> 00:06:37,483
James Brown at the Apollo.
192
00:06:37,485 --> 00:06:39,601
Your law school funk band
pretty much anywhere.
193
00:06:39,603 --> 00:06:41,437
So get out there
194
00:06:41,439 --> 00:06:44,857
and bang your wife for
as long as you possibly can!
195
00:06:46,993 --> 00:06:50,228
Not a good sign that
I'm already out of breath.
196
00:06:52,749 --> 00:06:55,584
So... Barney will answer
197
00:06:55,586 --> 00:06:58,604
any question we ask him
with the truth?
198
00:06:58,606 --> 00:06:59,888
I think so.
199
00:06:59,890 --> 00:07:01,957
Honey...
200
00:07:01,959 --> 00:07:05,544
when that Bryan Adams song
came on the radio,
201
00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:07,679
did two mosquitoes
really fly into your eyes
202
00:07:07,681 --> 00:07:08,714
at the same time?
203
00:07:08,716 --> 00:07:10,265
No.
204
00:07:10,267 --> 00:07:12,384
I got all choked up
thinking about how
205
00:07:12,386 --> 00:07:15,504
everything he does,
he does it for her.
206
00:07:15,506 --> 00:07:16,972
Checks out.
207
00:07:16,974 --> 00:07:18,106
Okay, what next?
208
00:07:18,108 --> 00:07:19,424
I mean, it's...
209
00:07:19,426 --> 00:07:20,759
it's so hard to know
where to begin.
210
00:07:20,761 --> 00:07:21,760
I mean, there are so many...
211
00:07:21,762 --> 00:07:23,261
What did you do to my mom?!
212
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:25,814
Well, that night,
213
00:07:25,816 --> 00:07:27,649
we were in my car...
214
00:07:27,651 --> 00:07:29,051
I was wrong!
I can't handle this!
215
00:07:29,053 --> 00:07:31,053
Uh, just tell me
in baseball terms.
216
00:07:31,055 --> 00:07:33,271
I got thrown out
trying to stretch
217
00:07:33,273 --> 00:07:34,606
a single into a double.
218
00:07:38,161 --> 00:07:39,545
I can live with that.
219
00:07:40,663 --> 00:07:42,781
How about that time
you walked into the bar
220
00:07:42,783 --> 00:07:44,700
wearing "Triple-X-Ray Goggles"?
221
00:07:46,419 --> 00:07:49,120
Well, hello,
you two lovely ladies.
222
00:07:49,122 --> 00:07:50,305
What are you wearing?
223
00:07:50,307 --> 00:07:51,507
Oh, hey, Robin,
didn't see you there.
224
00:07:51,509 --> 00:07:54,626
Just Triple-X-Ray Goggles, no big deal.
Oh...
225
00:07:54,628 --> 00:07:56,845
There is no way
those things work.
226
00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:58,564
I'm not even here.
227
00:07:58,566 --> 00:08:00,432
Just act natural.
228
00:08:03,753 --> 00:08:05,020
Right.
229
00:08:05,022 --> 00:08:07,489
'Cause that jacket's
made of lead.
230
00:08:07,491 --> 00:08:09,825
Those things
didn't work, did they?
231
00:08:09,827 --> 00:08:12,361
Absolutely. Lily's boobs
always work for me.
232
00:08:12,363 --> 00:08:13,946
Oh, the goggles?
No.
233
00:08:13,948 --> 00:08:16,365
Next question.
234
00:08:16,367 --> 00:08:19,585
You keep saying "ring bear"
235
00:08:19,587 --> 00:08:22,153
instead of ring bear-er.
236
00:08:23,155 --> 00:08:25,457
Will there or will there not
237
00:08:25,459 --> 00:08:27,509
be a bear at our wedding?
238
00:08:27,511 --> 00:08:30,045
The truth is...
239
00:08:30,047 --> 00:08:31,830
aggle flaggle klabble.
240
00:08:31,832 --> 00:08:33,649
Wumby flappy snurp...
241
00:08:33,651 --> 00:08:35,250
Oh, my God, he's dipped back
down to Jabba drunk!
242
00:08:35,252 --> 00:08:36,334
Give him
another drink!
243
00:08:36,336 --> 00:08:38,186
Come on.
244
00:08:38,188 --> 00:08:40,338
Oh, yeah, baby.
245
00:08:40,340 --> 00:08:42,190
I could go all night.
246
00:08:42,192 --> 00:08:44,560
I can't hold out much longer!
247
00:08:44,562 --> 00:08:46,912
What are the least arousing
things I can think of?
248
00:08:46,914 --> 00:08:50,348
♪ Day-old roadkill
249
00:08:50,350 --> 00:08:52,784
♪ Ah, yeah...
250
00:08:52,786 --> 00:08:54,286
♪ Fingernail
251
00:08:54,288 --> 00:08:58,874
♪ Fingernail clippings
252
00:08:58,876 --> 00:09:01,460
♪ That is some dull stuff
253
00:09:01,462 --> 00:09:05,914
♪ How your TMJ night guard
smells in the morning ♪
254
00:09:05,916 --> 00:09:08,216
♪ Nasty
255
00:09:08,218 --> 00:09:10,252
♪ Bugs...
256
00:09:10,254 --> 00:09:12,738
Mmm ♪
257
00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:15,223
♪ More bugs
258
00:09:15,225 --> 00:09:16,858
It's working!
It's working!
259
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:19,595
Uh-oh, it's working too well.
260
00:09:19,597 --> 00:09:22,915
Think sexy thoughts.
Think sexy thoughts!
261
00:09:22,917 --> 00:09:26,418
♪ Bugs with boobs...
262
00:09:26,420 --> 00:09:27,886
Marshall, are
you all right?
263
00:09:27,888 --> 00:09:28,987
You don't seem
to be, um...
264
00:09:28,989 --> 00:09:32,240
Please, uh,
excuse Medium-Sized Fudge.
265
00:09:33,509 --> 00:09:36,061
6 and 3/64 inches.
266
00:09:36,063 --> 00:09:37,362
Yeah, he's back
to telling the truth.
267
00:09:37,364 --> 00:09:38,630
Okay, Barney,
268
00:09:38,632 --> 00:09:40,398
how are you always able
to do that magic trick
269
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,034
where you make doves appear?
270
00:09:42,036 --> 00:09:45,253
Special dehydrated birds
I get in Chinatown.
271
00:09:48,091 --> 00:09:49,625
I knew it!
272
00:09:49,627 --> 00:09:51,910
Okay. Okay.
273
00:09:51,912 --> 00:09:54,262
Will there or will there not
274
00:09:54,264 --> 00:09:56,715
be a bear at our wedding?
275
00:09:56,717 --> 00:09:58,250
The truth is...
276
00:09:58,252 --> 00:10:00,552
Barney...
Oh, come on!
277
00:10:00,554 --> 00:10:02,020
I know that you always say
278
00:10:02,022 --> 00:10:03,388
that you don't
need any kind of
279
00:10:03,390 --> 00:10:05,774
"help" in bed,
but if you, um...
280
00:10:05,776 --> 00:10:07,442
I always keep
these on hand.
281
00:10:07,444 --> 00:10:08,894
But be
careful.
282
00:10:08,896 --> 00:10:11,313
When you go off, there's
a kickback like a cannon.
283
00:10:11,315 --> 00:10:13,198
Thank you.
284
00:10:14,934 --> 00:10:17,268
How much a year
do you spend on suits?
285
00:10:17,270 --> 00:10:19,988
Kids, I won't bother you
with the number...
286
00:10:19,990 --> 00:10:22,040
but it was a crapload.
287
00:10:22,042 --> 00:10:23,892
Around one crapload.
288
00:10:23,894 --> 00:10:25,243
That much?
289
00:10:25,245 --> 00:10:26,795
Well... aren't you concerned
about your future?
290
00:10:26,797 --> 00:10:27,946
Nope.
291
00:10:27,948 --> 00:10:29,915
Especially since Robin
is massively wealthy.
292
00:10:29,917 --> 00:10:31,350
Barney!
What?
293
00:10:31,352 --> 00:10:32,501
You're rich?
294
00:10:32,503 --> 00:10:33,652
L-Like how rich?
295
00:10:33,654 --> 00:10:34,920
It's my family's money,
not mine.
296
00:10:34,922 --> 00:10:35,971
I-I don't really know how much.
297
00:10:35,973 --> 00:10:37,339
How much is her family worth?
298
00:10:37,341 --> 00:10:38,924
6,000 craploads.
299
00:10:38,926 --> 00:10:40,291
Canadian craploads.
300
00:10:40,293 --> 00:10:41,626
That much?!
301
00:10:41,628 --> 00:10:42,627
But when
we dated,
302
00:10:42,629 --> 00:10:43,962
I paid for everything.
303
00:10:43,964 --> 00:10:45,580
You didn't pay for everything.
304
00:10:45,582 --> 00:10:46,565
He paid for everything.
305
00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:48,450
I pick up our bar tab
all the time.
306
00:10:48,452 --> 00:10:50,102
Three times
in the last nine years.
307
00:10:50,104 --> 00:10:52,270
I took you out to tons
of four-star restaurants.
308
00:10:52,272 --> 00:10:53,355
Two-star restaurants.
309
00:10:53,357 --> 00:10:55,140
Figuring, on average,
two meals out a week
310
00:10:55,142 --> 00:10:56,641
plus 20% tip...
311
00:10:56,643 --> 00:10:57,859
12 and a half percent tip.
312
00:10:57,861 --> 00:11:00,162
Do you know
how much money you cost me?
313
00:11:00,164 --> 00:11:01,513
What am I?
A prostitute?
314
00:11:01,515 --> 00:11:02,998
You are not a prostitute.
315
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,083
No, a prostitute
would've been cheaper.
316
00:11:05,085 --> 00:11:07,069
Depends on the prostitute.
317
00:11:07,071 --> 00:11:09,237
Wait, hold on, Ted
What are we doing?
318
00:11:09,239 --> 00:11:10,655
You're arguing
about Robin's wealth
319
00:11:10,657 --> 00:11:13,125
when you really should be asking
me embarrassing questions.
320
00:11:13,127 --> 00:11:14,676
He's right.
321
00:11:14,678 --> 00:11:15,594
Let's do this.
322
00:11:15,596 --> 00:11:17,045
And so we did it.
323
00:11:17,047 --> 00:11:18,747
We asked Barney
all the questions
324
00:11:18,749 --> 00:11:19,731
we'd always wanted to.
325
00:11:19,733 --> 00:11:22,434
In one night? Four.
326
00:11:22,436 --> 00:11:25,070
In one family? Three.
327
00:11:25,072 --> 00:11:28,440
Yes, but not while she
was secretary of state.
328
00:11:28,442 --> 00:11:32,060
Yes, but not while she was
secretary of state.
329
00:11:32,062 --> 00:11:33,478
Just once.
330
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,514
With a French male model Henri.
331
00:11:36,516 --> 00:11:37,783
It was late.
332
00:11:37,785 --> 00:11:39,701
We were the last two people
in the club.
333
00:11:39,703 --> 00:11:42,154
I was lonely and I figured,
why not try it?
334
00:11:43,456 --> 00:11:46,224
That was the only time
I ever split a cab.
335
00:11:46,226 --> 00:11:49,077
Yes, but not the M.I.T.
you're thinking of.
336
00:11:49,079 --> 00:11:51,963
The Magician's Institute
of Teaneck.
337
00:11:51,965 --> 00:11:55,667
I've had sex
in Ted's bed 14 times.
338
00:11:55,669 --> 00:11:59,204
I asked if you wear
shoulder pads.
339
00:11:59,206 --> 00:12:01,723
I think I've just got
one question left.
340
00:12:01,725 --> 00:12:03,291
And it's a biggie.
341
00:12:04,143 --> 00:12:06,394
Barney Stinson...
342
00:12:06,396 --> 00:12:08,647
...what do you do for a living?
343
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:12,584
You did it.
344
00:12:12,586 --> 00:12:15,386
You banged your wife to sleep.
345
00:12:15,388 --> 00:12:17,572
Nice job...
346
00:12:19,358 --> 00:12:21,910
Still-Big Fudge.
347
00:12:24,563 --> 00:12:26,698
I wuv you, Mommy.
348
00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:27,866
Unpause.
349
00:12:29,823 --> 00:12:31,816
Kids, in all the time
we knew Barney,
350
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:34,868
there was one question he would
always answer the same way.
351
00:12:34,870 --> 00:12:36,603
Seriously, what is it
that you do?
352
00:12:36,605 --> 00:12:37,988
Please.
353
00:12:37,990 --> 00:12:38,955
Okay, seriously.
354
00:12:38,957 --> 00:12:40,624
What do you do for a living?
355
00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:42,259
Please.
356
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,494
Are you finally gonna tell me
exactly what your job is?
357
00:12:44,496 --> 00:12:46,163
Please.
358
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:48,982
So, naturally, this was
a pretty big moment for us.
359
00:12:48,984 --> 00:12:52,952
Well, what do you do
for a living?
360
00:12:56,457 --> 00:12:58,291
Please.
361
00:12:58,293 --> 00:12:59,559
God, he's not telling us.
362
00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:00,560
More booze.
363
00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:03,013
Not so fast, princess.
364
00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:04,848
I guess subtle clues
and the bar tab
365
00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:06,817
are two things
you just don't pick up.
366
00:13:06,819 --> 00:13:07,967
Because...
367
00:13:07,969 --> 00:13:10,437
I think he is telling us.
368
00:13:10,439 --> 00:13:12,739
Tell us more about this job.
369
00:13:13,658 --> 00:13:14,891
Well, as you know,
370
00:13:14,893 --> 00:13:16,493
back in my hippie days,
371
00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:18,445
a business man came
into my coffee shop,
372
00:13:18,447 --> 00:13:20,280
told me money was
all that mattered,
373
00:13:20,282 --> 00:13:21,698
and stole my girlfriend.
374
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:25,318
That's when I decided
to become awesome.
375
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,855
But I had no idea how to break
into the corporate world.
376
00:13:28,857 --> 00:13:30,257
So, hoping he wouldn't
recognize me,
377
00:13:30,259 --> 00:13:31,991
I went to the one person
from whom
378
00:13:31,993 --> 00:13:34,594
I knew I could learn
everything.
379
00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,012
Do we know each other, bro?
380
00:13:36,014 --> 00:13:39,683
We're all connected
in Gaia's great tapestry of...
381
00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,768
No.
382
00:13:41,770 --> 00:13:43,103
We don't.
383
00:13:43,105 --> 00:13:44,938
Bro.
384
00:13:46,224 --> 00:13:47,557
Wow, you went to M.I.T.
385
00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:48,725
Pretty impressive.
386
00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:51,611
I did get a perfect score
on the A.C.T.'s.
387
00:13:51,613 --> 00:13:54,614
Advanced Card Tricks.
388
00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:55,816
Well, look, buddy.
389
00:13:55,818 --> 00:13:57,317
You got a sweet résumé.
390
00:13:57,319 --> 00:13:59,402
But we don't have any openings
you're qualified for.
391
00:13:59,404 --> 00:14:02,072
They set me up!
It was a trap! It's a trap!
392
00:14:04,024 --> 00:14:06,676
We have one opening
you'd be perfect for.
393
00:14:06,678 --> 00:14:08,745
Great. What do I do?
394
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:10,831
Please.
395
00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:13,250
"Provide Legal Exculpation
And Sign Everything."
396
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:14,467
Just show up every day,
397
00:14:14,469 --> 00:14:16,186
scribble your name on
a bunch of documents,
398
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,221
and we'll pay you
16 craploads a year.
399
00:14:19,373 --> 00:14:20,507
Deets are in the contract.
400
00:14:20,509 --> 00:14:21,949
I'll give you time
to think about it.
401
00:14:23,511 --> 00:14:24,928
I'll take it.
402
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:25,979
Hold on.
403
00:14:25,981 --> 00:14:27,631
Did you even read this
before signing it?
404
00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:28,598
No.
405
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:29,933
You're hired.
406
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:33,486
We'll work on that.
407
00:14:33,488 --> 00:14:34,855
Wait.
408
00:14:34,857 --> 00:14:35,856
That's your job?
409
00:14:35,858 --> 00:14:38,074
You sign sketchy,
legally binding documents
410
00:14:38,076 --> 00:14:40,227
that could implicate you
for God knows what?
411
00:14:40,229 --> 00:14:42,379
Best job ever, right?
412
00:14:43,598 --> 00:14:45,665
No more pausing.
413
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,367
We're getting
through this argument.
414
00:14:47,369 --> 00:14:49,252
Okay.
415
00:14:49,254 --> 00:14:51,221
No potshots at my mom.
416
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:53,006
Fine, no distracting me
with your calves.
417
00:14:53,008 --> 00:14:55,208
Fine.
418
00:14:58,813 --> 00:15:01,264
Look, I love you, Lilypad.
419
00:15:01,266 --> 00:15:02,933
I love you, Marshmallow.
420
00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:04,851
Now...
421
00:15:06,521 --> 00:15:09,823
...how could you take
that job without telling me?!
422
00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:12,774
Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed
an answer right away.
423
00:15:12,775 --> 00:15:13,891
This is a huge opportunity,
424
00:15:13,893 --> 00:15:15,610
it could be very good
for our family,
425
00:15:15,612 --> 00:15:17,562
and we have to
at least talk about it.
426
00:15:17,564 --> 00:15:20,314
Sorry, you lost your chance
to talk about it
427
00:15:20,316 --> 00:15:22,366
when you didn't talk about it.
428
00:15:23,101 --> 00:15:24,685
We're going to Italy.
429
00:15:24,687 --> 00:15:26,153
But I could be a judge.
430
00:15:26,155 --> 00:15:29,290
We can't give that up for
what is clearly just a hobby.
431
00:15:29,292 --> 00:15:30,458
Pause.
432
00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:31,709
No pause.
433
00:15:31,711 --> 00:15:33,694
That "hobby" is my dream.
434
00:15:33,696 --> 00:15:35,379
We're going to Italy.
435
00:15:35,381 --> 00:15:36,464
But it's my dream to...
436
00:15:36,466 --> 00:15:37,715
We are going to Italy!
437
00:15:37,717 --> 00:15:39,083
Baby, can you just...?
438
00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:40,718
We are going to Italy!
439
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:41,919
Don't you get it?
440
00:15:41,921 --> 00:15:44,088
You went behind my back.
441
00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:45,806
You hurt me.
442
00:15:45,808 --> 00:15:49,777
You were more selfish
than I have ever been to you.
443
00:15:49,779 --> 00:15:54,682
You broke up with me
and moved to San Francisco.
444
00:15:55,817 --> 00:15:57,602
Barney!
You're being stupid.
445
00:15:57,604 --> 00:16:00,104
The-the-the company is
setting you up as their fall guy
446
00:16:00,106 --> 00:16:02,690
for all of their
illegal activities.
447
00:16:02,692 --> 00:16:05,526
No, you guys are being stupid.
448
00:16:05,528 --> 00:16:07,078
Especially Ted.
449
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,663
What? I didn't say anything.
450
00:16:08,665 --> 00:16:12,450
And then, kids, Barney revealed
to us his master plan.
451
00:16:12,452 --> 00:16:14,986
It all went down a few months
after the wedding.
452
00:16:14,988 --> 00:16:16,904
Hey, Greg?
453
00:16:16,906 --> 00:16:18,256
I know you're busy,
454
00:16:18,258 --> 00:16:20,324
but FYI, I've been colluding
with the Feds.
455
00:16:20,326 --> 00:16:21,592
They know everything.
456
00:16:21,594 --> 00:16:23,127
And they're
on their way up right now
457
00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:24,762
to shut down this division
and arrest you.
458
00:16:24,764 --> 00:16:26,097
Door closed or...?
459
00:16:26,099 --> 00:16:27,431
What?
460
00:16:27,433 --> 00:16:28,799
Why would you do that?
461
00:16:28,801 --> 00:16:31,435
Oh, gosh,
countless moral reasons...
462
00:16:31,437 --> 00:16:32,853
could have applied,
463
00:16:32,855 --> 00:16:36,641
but this is pretty much revenge
for stealing my girlfriend.
464
00:16:36,643 --> 00:16:38,258
See? That day, I vowed
465
00:16:38,260 --> 00:16:40,761
I would do everything
in my power to track you down,
466
00:16:40,763 --> 00:16:42,480
gain your trust,
467
00:16:42,482 --> 00:16:45,232
and then destroy you.
468
00:16:45,234 --> 00:16:46,534
Who are you?
469
00:16:46,536 --> 00:16:47,568
Who am I?
470
00:16:47,570 --> 00:16:49,236
Just a guy who served you
471
00:16:49,238 --> 00:16:50,771
coffee once.
472
00:16:50,773 --> 00:16:52,056
Peace out, loser.
473
00:16:52,058 --> 00:16:53,908
♪ Barney Stinson,
Barney Stinson ♪
474
00:16:53,910 --> 00:16:55,543
You son of a bitch!
♪ That guy's awesome ♪
475
00:16:55,545 --> 00:16:58,278
I will destroy you!
Get your hands off of me.
476
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,399
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
477
00:17:01,401 --> 00:17:03,751
♪ Awesome.
478
00:17:03,753 --> 00:17:05,219
Why are you
479
00:17:05,221 --> 00:17:06,804
bringing up San Francisco?
480
00:17:06,806 --> 00:17:08,839
That was seven years ago.
481
00:17:08,841 --> 00:17:10,791
Because you are being
482
00:17:10,793 --> 00:17:13,177
selfish all over again.
483
00:17:13,179 --> 00:17:15,062
Marshall, I apologized
484
00:17:15,064 --> 00:17:17,631
over and over again.
485
00:17:17,633 --> 00:17:20,351
Now you're saying you
never have forgiven me?
486
00:17:20,353 --> 00:17:21,485
There is
487
00:17:21,487 --> 00:17:24,405
nothing more important to me
than our family.
488
00:17:24,407 --> 00:17:25,656
You know that.
489
00:17:25,658 --> 00:17:26,907
Well, let me ask.
490
00:17:26,909 --> 00:17:29,443
What if you had found
success in San Francisco?
491
00:17:30,178 --> 00:17:31,662
How do I know that you even
492
00:17:31,664 --> 00:17:32,880
would've come back to me?
493
00:17:32,882 --> 00:17:34,648
Stop it.
494
00:17:34,650 --> 00:17:36,117
Are Marvin and I
495
00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:38,753
and any other future children
we may have
496
00:17:38,755 --> 00:17:41,339
just some consolation prize?
497
00:17:41,341 --> 00:17:43,507
I have to get out of here.
498
00:17:45,827 --> 00:17:46,794
Babe?
499
00:17:49,098 --> 00:17:50,297
So, Barney,
500
00:17:50,299 --> 00:17:51,799
I still haven't
heard you pronounce
501
00:17:51,801 --> 00:17:53,217
that last syllable.
502
00:17:54,019 --> 00:17:57,438
At our wedding, will there be
503
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,890
a ring bear-er?
504
00:18:01,394 --> 00:18:03,144
The truth is...
505
00:18:04,046 --> 00:18:07,048
...yes, there will be
a ring bear-er.
506
00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:09,033
His name is Trevor Hudson,
507
00:18:09,035 --> 00:18:11,168
I worked with his mother,
and he's adorable.
508
00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:13,988
I want our wedding
to be perfect, Robin.
509
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:15,823
Me, too.
510
00:18:16,792 --> 00:18:17,858
Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs.
511
00:18:17,860 --> 00:18:18,993
He's okay to crash
with you, right?
512
00:18:18,995 --> 00:18:21,078
Yup, we'll see you
in the morning.
513
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,747
Hmm.
514
00:18:22,749 --> 00:18:23,914
I love you.
515
00:18:23,916 --> 00:18:25,716
I love you, too.
516
00:18:29,638 --> 00:18:32,506
Okay, I got one last question
for you.
517
00:18:32,508 --> 00:18:34,608
And I can't believe
I haven't asked it yet.
518
00:18:34,610 --> 00:18:37,244
Dude, you're getting
married tomorrow.
519
00:18:38,413 --> 00:18:40,381
How are you doing?
Good.
520
00:18:40,383 --> 00:18:42,983
I mean, I'm a little nervous,
521
00:18:42,985 --> 00:18:46,720
but I love Robin more
than I've ever loved anyone,
522
00:18:46,722 --> 00:18:49,340
and I'm gonna do everything
I can to make her happy.
523
00:18:49,342 --> 00:18:50,858
For a long time,
524
00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:53,060
deep down,
525
00:18:53,062 --> 00:18:55,229
I've felt sort of...
526
00:18:55,231 --> 00:18:57,998
broken?
527
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,451
I don't feel that way anymore.
528
00:19:00,453 --> 00:19:02,736
Robin, along with the idea
529
00:19:02,738 --> 00:19:05,506
that vengeance
will soon be mine,
530
00:19:05,508 --> 00:19:09,343
has made me 100% awesome.
531
00:19:09,345 --> 00:19:10,611
I'm proud of you, buddy.
532
00:19:10,613 --> 00:19:13,597
Globan froban.
533
00:19:13,599 --> 00:19:14,682
Ho, ho, ho.
534
00:19:14,684 --> 00:19:15,683
Okay.
535
00:19:15,685 --> 00:19:16,934
Come on, Jabba.
536
00:19:16,936 --> 00:19:17,885
Big day tomorrow.
537
00:19:17,887 --> 00:19:20,054
Tab for the night?
538
00:19:20,056 --> 00:19:21,588
Just so you know,
539
00:19:21,590 --> 00:19:25,109
those last few rounds of 35-year
Glen McKenna were not cheap.
540
00:19:25,111 --> 00:19:26,193
Whoa.
541
00:19:26,195 --> 00:19:27,261
Um...
542
00:19:27,263 --> 00:19:28,612
you know what?
543
00:19:28,614 --> 00:19:29,897
Charge them to the bride's room.
544
00:19:29,899 --> 00:19:31,065
Thank you.
545
00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,099
Come on.
546
00:19:32,101 --> 00:19:34,034
Let's go. We got you.
547
00:19:34,036 --> 00:19:36,787
Kids, it's your
grandmother's favorite rule.
548
00:19:36,789 --> 00:19:39,140
Nothing good happens
after 2:00 a.m.
549
00:19:39,142 --> 00:19:42,276
Hi. I-I know it's late,
but I've got to get out of here.
550
00:19:42,278 --> 00:19:45,296
Marshall and I
just had a huge fight.
551
00:19:45,298 --> 00:19:47,581
You will?
552
00:19:47,583 --> 00:19:50,334
Oh, my God, thank you.
553
00:20:02,564 --> 00:20:04,181
Okay, here we go.
554
00:20:04,183 --> 00:20:06,350
You good, yeah?
Yeah.
555
00:20:06,352 --> 00:20:08,769
Okay.
556
00:20:08,771 --> 00:20:09,803
Okay.
557
00:20:09,805 --> 00:20:10,905
Everything is fine.
558
00:20:10,907 --> 00:20:11,989
Okay? Just don't freak out.
559
00:20:11,991 --> 00:20:12,973
I'm not freaking out.
560
00:20:12,975 --> 00:20:13,991
I was talking to myself.
561
00:20:13,993 --> 00:20:15,526
Do you have the baby?
562
00:20:15,528 --> 00:20:16,877
The elevator!
What?!
563
00:20:16,879 --> 00:20:18,612
Marshall and Lily are right.
It never gets old.
564
00:20:18,614 --> 00:20:20,080
Unless you're crowning.
565
00:20:20,082 --> 00:20:21,916
So proud of you.
Thank you.
566
00:20:21,918 --> 00:20:23,584
Penny is proud of you.
567
00:20:23,586 --> 00:20:25,202
Let's go get you a brother.
568
00:20:25,204 --> 00:20:26,804
Okay?
Hmm?
569
00:20:26,806 --> 00:20:27,872
You want a brother?
All right?
570
00:20:27,874 --> 00:20:30,157
I love you.
I love you, too.
571
00:20:30,159 --> 00:20:31,325
You're gonna be great.
572
00:20:31,327 --> 00:20:32,476
Yeah, okay.
573
00:20:32,478 --> 00:20:35,095
2:00 a.m., it's a good rule,
574
00:20:35,097 --> 00:20:37,497
but every rule
has an exception.
575
00:20:37,499 --> 00:20:40,267
And for us,
that exception was you, Luke.
576
00:20:40,269 --> 00:20:42,136
We're having a baby!
577
00:20:47,596 --> 00:20:49,380
Come on, Trevor Hudson.
578
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:50,765
It's feeding time.
579
00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:55,767
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man