1
00:00:00,005 --> 00:00:02,098
(cork pops)
Whoa, sorry, sorry.
2
00:00:02,325 --> 00:00:04,306
Oh, my God! You know that
there is gonna be champagne
3
00:00:04,307 --> 00:00:06,257
at this party, right?
I know, I know.
4
00:00:06,259 --> 00:00:07,776
But we're gonna get
there and it's gonna be
5
00:00:07,778 --> 00:00:10,061
everyone congratulating
you on your book,
6
00:00:10,063 --> 00:00:12,163
saying, "This is a revelation!
7
00:00:12,165 --> 00:00:14,232
"You're gonna end
poverty in our time.
8
00:00:14,234 --> 00:00:15,650
"This is the greatest book
anyone's ever written
9
00:00:15,652 --> 00:00:17,035
in any genre."
10
00:00:17,037 --> 00:00:18,787
You're the only one
that says that, sweetie.
11
00:00:18,789 --> 00:00:19,788
Well, it's true.
12
00:00:19,790 --> 00:00:21,322
So before I lose you
13
00:00:21,324 --> 00:00:22,991
to your adoring public,
14
00:00:22,993 --> 00:00:24,959
I just want to take
a moment, you and I,
15
00:00:24,961 --> 00:00:28,446
to celebrate the best
year of our lives.
16
00:00:29,215 --> 00:00:30,532
Happy New Year.
17
00:00:30,534 --> 00:00:32,083
Happy New Year.
18
00:00:35,421 --> 00:00:36,888
(grunts)
19
00:00:36,890 --> 00:00:39,424
We go big tonight!
20
00:00:39,426 --> 00:00:41,059
Easy there, buddy.
21
00:00:41,061 --> 00:00:42,927
We're old people, remember?
22
00:00:42,929 --> 00:00:44,763
We haven't even gone
medium sized in forever.
23
00:00:44,765 --> 00:00:48,233
And I cannot carry
you home in this dress.
24
00:00:48,235 --> 00:00:49,317
Sweetie, relax.
25
00:00:49,319 --> 00:00:50,485
I got this.
26
00:00:50,487 --> 00:00:51,986
Yeah, right.
27
00:00:51,988 --> 00:00:54,155
I can see your whole future.
28
00:00:54,157 --> 00:00:57,025
You are gonna be
so hungover tomorrow.
29
00:00:57,027 --> 00:00:58,359
I'm gonna be fine.
Hmm.
30
00:00:58,361 --> 00:01:00,495
I made a vow, remember?
31
00:01:00,497 --> 00:01:01,479
NARRATOR:
Kids...
32
00:01:01,481 --> 00:01:02,597
the story behind that vow
33
00:01:02,599 --> 00:01:03,765
took place the morning
34
00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:05,333
of Barney and Robin's wedding.
35
00:01:05,335 --> 00:01:08,319
You see, after drinking
way too much the night before,
36
00:01:08,321 --> 00:01:10,255
this is
all your Uncle Barney remembers
37
00:01:10,257 --> 00:01:12,757
from the first two hours
of his wedding day.
38
00:01:12,759 --> 00:01:14,976
(gasps)
39
00:01:14,978 --> 00:01:16,211
(roars)
40
00:01:19,298 --> 00:01:20,565
And that's it.
41
00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:21,833
Now here's how the rest of us
42
00:01:21,835 --> 00:01:23,301
remember those two hours.
43
00:01:23,303 --> 00:01:24,519
(tape rewinding)
44
00:01:24,521 --> 00:01:25,653
ROBIN:
Found him.
45
00:01:27,723 --> 00:01:30,241
You know, he looks better
than I thought he would.
46
00:01:30,243 --> 00:01:33,895
Rise and shine.
47
00:01:33,897 --> 00:01:35,697
Up and at 'em,
let's do this.
48
00:01:36,732 --> 00:01:38,233
There's a gas leak!
49
00:01:39,318 --> 00:01:40,685
The building's on fire!
50
00:01:42,404 --> 00:01:43,684
Your shoes don't
match your belt!
51
00:01:45,007 --> 00:01:47,208
(moaning)
52
00:01:53,549 --> 00:01:54,916
BOTH: Uh-oh.
53
00:01:54,918 --> 00:01:57,135
(piano playing
Wagner's "Bridal Chorus")
54
00:01:58,979 --> 00:02:02,979
♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x18 ♪
Rally
Original Air Date on February 24, 2014
55
00:02:03,004 --> 00:02:08,004
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
56
00:02:11,884 --> 00:02:13,184
Okay, I think my fiancé
57
00:02:13,186 --> 00:02:14,585
peed himself a little.
58
00:02:14,587 --> 00:02:16,804
Oh, tomorrow
I'm gonna be able to say
59
00:02:16,806 --> 00:02:19,290
my husband
peed himself a little.
60
00:02:19,292 --> 00:02:20,641
(moaning)
Don't worry.
61
00:02:20,643 --> 00:02:22,026
I accidentally spilled
some iced tea on him.
62
00:02:22,028 --> 00:02:23,227
Oh, thank God.
63
00:02:23,229 --> 00:02:24,261
(whispering):
I didn't really spill
64
00:02:24,263 --> 00:02:25,480
some iced tea on him.
65
00:02:25,482 --> 00:02:27,148
Oh, God, this is bad.
66
00:02:27,150 --> 00:02:28,733
We're doing
family wedding pictures
67
00:02:28,735 --> 00:02:31,035
at the lighthouse
in two hours.
68
00:02:31,037 --> 00:02:32,737
My father is paying
for the whole thing.
69
00:02:32,739 --> 00:02:34,271
He's gonna kill Barney
if he doesn't show up.
70
00:02:34,273 --> 00:02:35,957
Come on, your dad's tough.
71
00:02:35,959 --> 00:02:38,209
But won't he understand a
good old fashioned hangover?
72
00:02:38,211 --> 00:02:39,410
My father's recipe
73
00:02:39,412 --> 00:02:40,411
for a Bloody Mary
74
00:02:40,413 --> 00:02:41,612
trades out tomato juice
75
00:02:41,614 --> 00:02:42,797
for wolf's blood.
76
00:02:42,799 --> 00:02:44,332
Ooh.
Ooh.
77
00:02:44,334 --> 00:02:45,466
Bloody Mary?
78
00:02:45,468 --> 00:02:48,469
Sounds more like
a Bloody Scary.
79
00:02:49,254 --> 00:02:50,254
I'm gonna say it again.
80
00:02:50,256 --> 00:02:51,639
Bloody Mary?
Uh, hold on.
81
00:02:51,641 --> 00:02:52,790
You guys are forgetting
82
00:02:52,792 --> 00:02:55,593
Barney Stinson has
a super power.
83
00:02:56,645 --> 00:02:58,596
He can't take a bad photo.
84
00:02:59,798 --> 00:03:01,566
(grunts)
Okay, here.
85
00:03:01,568 --> 00:03:03,134
Watch.
86
00:03:06,739 --> 00:03:07,855
Guys, Barney may be dead.
87
00:03:07,857 --> 00:03:09,073
MARSHALL:
That's it!
88
00:03:09,075 --> 00:03:11,308
You know what? We are all
now seriously too old
89
00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:12,643
to keep doing this to ourselves!
90
00:03:12,645 --> 00:03:14,195
I vow here and now
91
00:03:14,197 --> 00:03:17,815
that I shall never again
get that drunk in my life!
92
00:03:17,817 --> 00:03:20,368
NARRATOR: Yeah, he'd wind up
breaking that vow.
93
00:03:20,370 --> 00:03:22,537
And I will not break that vow
94
00:03:22,539 --> 00:03:25,022
as sure as I will always
have a full head of hair!
95
00:03:25,024 --> 00:03:27,508
WOMAN:
In other elections today,
96
00:03:27,510 --> 00:03:29,660
in the race for New York
State Supreme Court,
97
00:03:29,662 --> 00:03:31,079
Judge Brad Morris...
98
00:03:31,081 --> 00:03:33,114
Mmm, just look at him.
99
00:03:33,116 --> 00:03:34,615
I would love to rub that down.
100
00:03:34,617 --> 00:03:35,917
(clears throat)
Sorry.
101
00:03:35,919 --> 00:03:37,752
Has increased his sizable lead
102
00:03:37,754 --> 00:03:39,771
over Judge Marshall Eriksen.
103
00:03:39,773 --> 00:03:41,839
It was supposed to
be a victory party.
104
00:03:41,841 --> 00:03:43,808
You ran
a great campaign, baby.
105
00:03:43,810 --> 00:03:45,526
Yeah, but it was
the most stressful
106
00:03:45,528 --> 00:03:47,228
three weeks of my life!
107
00:03:49,347 --> 00:03:51,299
And in other results,
a surprise comeback.
108
00:03:51,301 --> 00:03:54,518
We are now ready to call the New
York State Supreme Court race
109
00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,404
for Judge Marshall Eriksen.
110
00:03:56,406 --> 00:03:58,122
(all cheering)
111
00:03:58,124 --> 00:04:00,041
We'll go to Judge Eriksen
for a live statement
112
00:04:00,043 --> 00:04:01,793
in just a few minutes.
113
00:04:01,795 --> 00:04:03,744
(slurring):
Come again for Judge Fudge?
114
00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:06,097
As your next commissioner...
115
00:04:06,099 --> 00:04:08,249
State Supreme Court judge.
116
00:04:08,251 --> 00:04:09,867
...of Gotham City...
117
00:04:09,869 --> 00:04:12,053
The State of New York.
118
00:04:12,055 --> 00:04:15,206
...I vow to make
Batman work harder.
119
00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:16,424
I say
120
00:04:16,426 --> 00:04:19,376
shine that Bat-Signal
even for small stuff.
121
00:04:19,378 --> 00:04:21,896
Like, uh, shoveling snow.
122
00:04:21,898 --> 00:04:25,783
Or, like, uh, if a police horse
dumps out in the park.
123
00:04:25,785 --> 00:04:26,734
LILY:
Okay, well, that will be
124
00:04:26,736 --> 00:04:28,319
all at this time, thank you.
125
00:04:28,321 --> 00:04:30,037
That's all.
Okay.
126
00:04:30,039 --> 00:04:31,105
Mmm, good night.
127
00:04:31,107 --> 00:04:32,607
Never again!
128
00:04:32,609 --> 00:04:34,225
I vow it!
129
00:04:34,227 --> 00:04:35,943
I am more worried
about the vows I have to take
130
00:04:35,945 --> 00:04:37,445
with this useless
pile of garbage
131
00:04:37,447 --> 00:04:38,462
a few hours from now.
132
00:04:38,464 --> 00:04:39,697
What do we do?
133
00:04:39,699 --> 00:04:40,832
You guys see the irony here.
134
00:04:40,834 --> 00:04:42,200
The only person
who could possibly get
135
00:04:42,202 --> 00:04:43,668
Barney back on his feet
136
00:04:43,670 --> 00:04:44,619
is Barney.
137
00:04:44,621 --> 00:04:45,870
NARRATOR:
See, over the years,
138
00:04:45,872 --> 00:04:47,038
we'd all come to experience
139
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,040
something Barney called...
140
00:04:49,042 --> 00:04:51,609
Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir!
141
00:04:51,611 --> 00:04:52,660
The most effective
142
00:04:52,662 --> 00:04:54,011
post-bender,
head's-too-tender ender
143
00:04:54,013 --> 00:04:55,046
from here to Denver.
144
00:04:55,048 --> 00:04:56,147
What's in it?
145
00:04:56,149 --> 00:04:57,581
Glad you asked.
Ah, I take it back.
146
00:04:57,583 --> 00:04:59,433
Columbia University, 1941...
I take it back, I take it back.
147
00:04:59,435 --> 00:05:01,352
President Franklin
Delano Roosevelt,
148
00:05:01,354 --> 00:05:04,939
whom we all know is most famous
for being a world-class drunk,
149
00:05:04,941 --> 00:05:06,390
commissioned a top-secret
scientific project--
150
00:05:06,392 --> 00:05:09,210
develop an elixir to cure
the common hangover.
151
00:05:09,212 --> 00:05:11,696
And what brilliant scientific
mind did boozy old FDR pick
152
00:05:11,698 --> 00:05:14,532
to head up this historic task?
TED: Look.
153
00:05:14,534 --> 00:05:16,534
My head really hurts.
Let's just speed this along.
154
00:05:16,536 --> 00:05:17,535
You're clearly ripping off
155
00:05:17,537 --> 00:05:19,436
the story
of the Manhattan Project,
156
00:05:19,438 --> 00:05:21,956
which was run
by Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.
157
00:05:21,958 --> 00:05:25,626
So I'm gonna guess it was
your distant relative...
158
00:05:26,795 --> 00:05:29,146
...Barnert Stinsonheimer?
159
00:05:29,148 --> 00:05:32,283
Somebody's read
their history books.
160
00:05:32,285 --> 00:05:34,285
The Too Many Manhattans Project
161
00:05:34,287 --> 00:05:36,637
hit a few snags at first.
162
00:05:36,639 --> 00:05:37,922
The first batch exploded.
163
00:05:37,924 --> 00:05:39,924
Which sounded
kind of like this.
164
00:05:39,926 --> 00:05:41,559
Boom!
Oh!
165
00:05:41,561 --> 00:05:42,626
You suck.
166
00:05:42,628 --> 00:05:44,011
Just let me finish.
167
00:05:44,013 --> 00:05:45,796
But the second batch...
168
00:05:45,798 --> 00:05:47,648
sadly also exploded.
169
00:05:47,650 --> 00:05:49,016
Boom!
Oh!
170
00:05:49,018 --> 00:05:50,818
Why are you here right now?
171
00:05:50,820 --> 00:05:52,169
Do you want to hear
the story or not?
172
00:05:52,171 --> 00:05:53,521
Absolutely not. Please leave.
173
00:05:53,523 --> 00:05:54,872
After some trial and error,
174
00:05:54,874 --> 00:05:57,158
Dr. Stinsonheimer finally found
175
00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:58,993
the magic formula.
176
00:06:01,479 --> 00:06:02,747
TED:
Hang on.
177
00:06:02,749 --> 00:06:04,081
Funyuns?
178
00:06:04,083 --> 00:06:05,399
Tantrum Soda?
179
00:06:05,401 --> 00:06:06,334
Sure.
180
00:06:06,336 --> 00:06:07,585
In 1941?
181
00:06:07,587 --> 00:06:08,753
Sure.
182
00:06:08,755 --> 00:06:09,987
They haven't made
new Tantrum since then.
183
00:06:09,989 --> 00:06:11,005
That stuff lasts a while.
184
00:06:11,007 --> 00:06:14,141
Anyway, the elixir
was such a success,
185
00:06:14,143 --> 00:06:16,627
he was awarded
the Bro-bel Prize.
186
00:06:16,629 --> 00:06:18,646
True story.
187
00:06:18,648 --> 00:06:19,764
Boom!
188
00:06:19,766 --> 00:06:21,115
Wh-Wh-Why?
189
00:06:21,117 --> 00:06:22,516
That time I was
just messing with you.
190
00:06:22,518 --> 00:06:24,335
Just give me the stupid drink.
191
00:06:25,304 --> 00:06:26,554
(groans)
192
00:06:26,556 --> 00:06:29,840
NARRATOR:
And the craziest part was...
193
00:06:33,195 --> 00:06:35,780
I-I feel better.
194
00:06:35,782 --> 00:06:37,648
Over the years,
each of us would discover
195
00:06:37,650 --> 00:06:39,533
that Barney's
elixir actually worked.
196
00:06:39,535 --> 00:06:41,319
Like, way better.
197
00:06:41,321 --> 00:06:42,403
What's in this thing again?
198
00:06:42,405 --> 00:06:44,188
Stinson family secret.
199
00:06:44,190 --> 00:06:46,374
Oh, come on, you told me most of
the ingredients in your story.
200
00:06:46,376 --> 00:06:48,075
Just tell me the secret one.
201
00:06:48,077 --> 00:06:49,493
Ha! I'll never tell you.
202
00:06:49,495 --> 00:06:51,963
I'll take it with me
to my grave.
203
00:06:51,965 --> 00:06:52,997
Damn it, Barney!
204
00:06:52,999 --> 00:06:54,332
Why are you always so selfish?!
205
00:06:54,334 --> 00:06:55,716
We are trying to help you!
206
00:06:55,718 --> 00:06:56,784
ROBIN: Okay,
we somehow have
207
00:06:56,786 --> 00:06:57,969
to get this leaky barf bag
208
00:06:57,971 --> 00:06:59,587
back on his feet before
the wedding pictures.
209
00:06:59,589 --> 00:07:02,423
Well, we know what Barney
would want us to do.
210
00:07:04,059 --> 00:07:05,176
WOMAN:
Say cheese.
211
00:07:05,178 --> 00:07:06,594
ALL: Cheese!
212
00:07:06,596 --> 00:07:07,845
ROBIN: No!
213
00:07:07,847 --> 00:07:09,680
We are not doing
Weekend at Barney's!
214
00:07:09,682 --> 00:07:10,898
But that's the dream!
215
00:07:10,900 --> 00:07:12,633
I can't believe
I just said that.
216
00:07:12,635 --> 00:07:14,018
Someone suggest
something useful!
217
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:15,319
Okay, here's the plan.
218
00:07:15,321 --> 00:07:17,071
Marshall, you and Ted
go gather
219
00:07:17,073 --> 00:07:18,489
the ingredients we do know.
220
00:07:18,491 --> 00:07:19,323
Robin,
221
00:07:19,325 --> 00:07:20,941
you wake up Barney long enough
222
00:07:20,943 --> 00:07:22,693
to find out
the secret ingredient.
223
00:07:22,695 --> 00:07:26,664
And I'll race down to the spa
to keep my 8:15 mani and pedi.
224
00:07:26,666 --> 00:07:27,665
Okay, let's do this!
225
00:07:27,667 --> 00:07:28,699
Bitch?
226
00:07:28,701 --> 00:07:29,867
Walk out that door and I tag in
227
00:07:29,869 --> 00:07:31,118
Zabka as my maid of honor.
228
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,921
Okay, let's start simple.
229
00:07:33,923 --> 00:07:35,039
Fresh ocean air.
230
00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:36,040
Come on, baby.
231
00:07:36,042 --> 00:07:37,541
BOTH:
Come on, honey.
232
00:07:37,543 --> 00:07:39,210
Come on, love, yeah.
Baby, baby.
233
00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:42,847
I'll get the elevator.
234
00:07:42,849 --> 00:07:45,132
Oh, I should get some water.
235
00:07:52,545 --> 00:07:54,329
Okay, so...
236
00:07:54,331 --> 00:07:56,381
accidentally throwing
Barney down the stairs
237
00:07:56,383 --> 00:07:58,584
did not wake him up.
238
00:07:58,586 --> 00:08:00,836
Nor did banging his
head on each step
239
00:08:00,838 --> 00:08:02,237
as we dragged him back up here.
240
00:08:02,239 --> 00:08:04,973
So, how do we
wake him up long enough
241
00:08:04,975 --> 00:08:06,775
to tell us the final ingredient?
242
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,377
You know, when my sister and I
243
00:08:08,379 --> 00:08:10,178
had trouble getting up
for school,
244
00:08:10,180 --> 00:08:12,297
my dad a few cute little tricks.
245
00:08:16,152 --> 00:08:18,353
(growling)
246
00:08:18,355 --> 00:08:19,438
I'll do it!
247
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,490
I swear to God I'll do it!
248
00:08:21,492 --> 00:08:23,492
Your dad used to do this to you?
249
00:08:23,494 --> 00:08:25,360
Well, it was with
a Cabbage Patch doll and an ax.
250
00:08:25,362 --> 00:08:26,411
But same idea. Trust me.
251
00:08:26,413 --> 00:08:28,647
I was never late
for kindergarten again.
252
00:08:28,649 --> 00:08:31,116
What? Come on.
253
00:08:31,118 --> 00:08:33,502
(Barney moaning)
254
00:08:33,504 --> 00:08:35,153
(groans)
255
00:08:35,155 --> 00:08:36,371
I second Marshall's vow.
256
00:08:36,373 --> 00:08:39,508
I will never, ever get
that drunk again.
257
00:08:39,510 --> 00:08:41,476
NARRATOR:
Yeah. She would.
258
00:08:41,478 --> 00:08:43,595
LILY:
My baby boy's
259
00:08:43,597 --> 00:08:44,846
in college.
260
00:08:44,848 --> 00:08:46,064
Did you pack enough undies?
261
00:08:46,066 --> 00:08:47,432
Yes, Mom.
(shushes)
262
00:08:47,434 --> 00:08:49,868
Your father did a lot of puking
263
00:08:49,870 --> 00:08:51,887
in these hallowed halls.
264
00:08:51,889 --> 00:08:54,005
From-from binge studying.
265
00:08:54,007 --> 00:08:55,857
(quietly):
Saved it.
266
00:08:55,859 --> 00:08:56,858
That reminds me, mister.
267
00:08:56,860 --> 00:08:58,510
No underage drinking.
268
00:08:58,512 --> 00:09:00,312
No good comes
from hanging out
269
00:09:00,314 --> 00:09:02,314
in bars and getting drunk.
270
00:09:02,316 --> 00:09:05,016
But every story
from your 20s starts in a bar.
271
00:09:05,018 --> 00:09:06,401
Listen to your mother.
272
00:09:06,403 --> 00:09:08,820
Oh, what are we gonna do
without you in the house?
273
00:09:08,822 --> 00:09:09,871
(groans)
274
00:09:09,873 --> 00:09:12,240
We got him out of the house!
Drink up!
275
00:09:14,026 --> 00:09:15,294
(grunts)
276
00:09:15,296 --> 00:09:16,678
(whoops)
277
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:19,214
Oh...
278
00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:24,403
You son of a bitch!
You son of a me!
279
00:09:24,405 --> 00:09:26,705
All right, we got most
of the ingredients on our list.
280
00:09:26,707 --> 00:09:28,674
Ginger, bananas, Funyuns.
281
00:09:28,676 --> 00:09:30,709
I cannot believe
that minimart sold Tantrum.
282
00:09:30,711 --> 00:09:32,394
It's been discontinued
for years.
283
00:09:32,396 --> 00:09:33,378
Uh, hey.
(clears throat)
284
00:09:33,380 --> 00:09:35,764
Will you, uh,
toss me that bottle?
285
00:09:35,766 --> 00:09:37,399
Oh. Yeah, we haven't
done this forever.
286
00:09:37,401 --> 00:09:38,934
(smacks lips)
287
00:09:38,936 --> 00:09:40,018
Dude!
288
00:09:40,020 --> 00:09:40,986
You're a grown man.
289
00:09:40,988 --> 00:09:42,254
Why you throwing a Tantrum?
290
00:09:42,256 --> 00:09:43,522
Nice!
291
00:09:43,524 --> 00:09:44,606
So awesome!
292
00:09:44,608 --> 00:09:45,657
So awesome!
293
00:09:45,659 --> 00:09:46,692
Okay, there's only
294
00:09:46,694 --> 00:09:48,410
one more item on the list and...
295
00:09:48,412 --> 00:09:50,512
it's an odd one.
296
00:09:50,514 --> 00:09:52,481
Grease?
Grease.
297
00:09:52,483 --> 00:09:55,000
At the Farhampton Inn,
we don't cook with grease.
298
00:09:55,002 --> 00:09:57,002
Our menu is organic.
299
00:09:57,004 --> 00:09:58,787
Farm to table, locally grown.
300
00:09:58,789 --> 00:10:01,072
No "grease."
301
00:10:01,074 --> 00:10:02,090
Sir,
302
00:10:02,092 --> 00:10:03,792
I am from Minnesota,
303
00:10:03,794 --> 00:10:05,711
where every meal
is cooked with grease.
304
00:10:05,713 --> 00:10:08,296
And my father dubbed
that food the tastiest eats
305
00:10:08,298 --> 00:10:11,266
in the whole
gosh darn world, so...
306
00:10:11,268 --> 00:10:12,634
And how is your father's health?
307
00:10:15,104 --> 00:10:16,605
Point is,
it tastes really good.
308
00:10:16,607 --> 00:10:17,856
Also, uh,
309
00:10:17,858 --> 00:10:19,791
we need it to help a friend
recover from a hangover.
310
00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:21,693
Wait a second.
311
00:10:21,695 --> 00:10:23,395
There's bacon right here.
312
00:10:23,397 --> 00:10:24,646
And where there's bacon,
313
00:10:24,648 --> 00:10:25,831
there's bacon grease.
314
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:27,265
Which we throw out.
315
00:10:27,267 --> 00:10:29,484
And we aren't making
any more bacon today.
316
00:10:29,486 --> 00:10:32,204
Not unless it all somehow gets
eaten in the ten minutes
317
00:10:32,206 --> 00:10:34,406
before breakfast is over.
318
00:10:35,908 --> 00:10:37,275
No, no, no!
319
00:10:37,277 --> 00:10:38,660
Ted, do not give me that look!
320
00:10:38,662 --> 00:10:39,878
A mountain of food.
321
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,163
A ticking clock? Come on!
322
00:10:41,165 --> 00:10:42,414
You live for this stuff!
323
00:10:42,416 --> 00:10:44,549
No, I'm not a wild animal.
324
00:10:44,551 --> 00:10:46,718
I'm a Columbia-educated lawyer,
325
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,705
poised to become a judge
before age 35.
326
00:10:49,707 --> 00:10:51,122
And remind me,
how did you celebrate
327
00:10:51,124 --> 00:10:52,641
getting accepted into Columbia?
328
00:10:52,643 --> 00:10:55,310
You eat one
eight-pound block of fudge
329
00:10:55,312 --> 00:10:57,596
in 12 minutes
and you're marked for life.
330
00:10:57,598 --> 00:10:59,564
You're not marked for life...
331
00:10:59,566 --> 00:11:00,632
Big Fudge.
332
00:11:00,634 --> 00:11:01,817
I'm out, okay?
333
00:11:01,819 --> 00:11:02,934
You eat the bacon.
334
00:11:02,936 --> 00:11:04,486
You know I can't.
335
00:11:04,488 --> 00:11:05,654
I'm allergic.
Ted.
336
00:11:05,656 --> 00:11:07,272
I've been trying
to tell you this for years.
337
00:11:07,274 --> 00:11:09,074
Your bacon allergy is a lie
338
00:11:09,076 --> 00:11:11,326
your mother made up
so you'd eat healthy as a kid.
339
00:11:11,328 --> 00:11:13,578
No, I'm just allergic
to a lot of stuff.
340
00:11:13,580 --> 00:11:14,979
Bacon, doughnuts,
341
00:11:14,981 --> 00:11:17,249
Halloween candy.
342
00:11:17,251 --> 00:11:19,334
Not saying thank you.
343
00:11:19,336 --> 00:11:21,002
Oh, my God!
344
00:11:21,004 --> 00:11:22,320
That bitch lied to me!
345
00:11:23,122 --> 00:11:25,257
Okay, I'll-I'll do it.
346
00:11:25,259 --> 00:11:27,826
But I... look, I don't, I don't
even know if I'll like bacon.
347
00:11:30,596 --> 00:11:31,596
(sniffs)
348
00:11:31,598 --> 00:11:33,632
Mm-hmm.
349
00:11:34,817 --> 00:11:36,768
What do you think?
350
00:11:36,770 --> 00:11:38,837
(choir humming)
351
00:11:38,839 --> 00:11:41,339
I have seen the face of God.
352
00:11:43,726 --> 00:11:47,162
Okay, there is one thing
we haven't tried yet.
353
00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:49,064
Making out with each other.
354
00:11:49,066 --> 00:11:50,899
You really think
that will wake him up?
355
00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:52,134
Wake up who now?
356
00:11:52,136 --> 00:11:54,352
(Barney moaning)
357
00:11:54,354 --> 00:11:55,370
(groans)
358
00:11:55,372 --> 00:11:57,322
Look at this soggy bag of snot.
359
00:11:57,324 --> 00:11:59,241
That's it,
I am joining Marshall's vow.
360
00:11:59,243 --> 00:12:02,377
I am never, ever getting
that drunk again.
361
00:12:02,379 --> 00:12:05,313
NARRATOR: Kids, you see
where this is going.
362
00:12:08,501 --> 00:12:10,669
Did last night really happen?
363
00:12:10,671 --> 00:12:12,921
I think so.
364
00:12:12,923 --> 00:12:14,873
Look, let's just agree.
365
00:12:14,875 --> 00:12:17,359
Absolute silence for
the rest of the day.
366
00:12:17,361 --> 00:12:18,727
(baby crying)
367
00:12:18,729 --> 00:12:20,545
(groans)
(laughs)
368
00:12:20,547 --> 00:12:22,264
Every time.
369
00:12:22,266 --> 00:12:23,415
You want me to get her?
370
00:12:23,417 --> 00:12:25,567
No, I got her.
371
00:12:25,569 --> 00:12:28,220
(grunts)
372
00:12:28,222 --> 00:12:30,739
Yeah, I know, I know.
373
00:12:30,741 --> 00:12:32,958
(shushing)
374
00:12:35,611 --> 00:12:37,295
Hey, Barney?
375
00:12:37,297 --> 00:12:38,079
Yeah?
376
00:12:38,081 --> 00:12:39,948
Whose baby is this?
377
00:12:46,339 --> 00:12:48,757
Uh, pardon.
378
00:12:50,209 --> 00:12:51,593
(speaks French)
379
00:12:51,595 --> 00:12:53,445
How could you, Mom?!
380
00:12:53,447 --> 00:12:54,563
You had the map
381
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,748
to heaven
and you never showed me the way.
382
00:12:56,750 --> 00:12:58,767
May you rot
in the bacon-less hell
383
00:12:58,769 --> 00:13:01,386
that I've lived in
my entire life.
384
00:13:01,388 --> 00:13:03,588
Yeah, they-they, uh,
crisp it up real nice here.
385
00:13:03,590 --> 00:13:04,639
Don't they?
Mm-hmm.
386
00:13:04,641 --> 00:13:05,724
What is that--
applewood smoked?
387
00:13:05,726 --> 00:13:06,775
You know what, Ted,
388
00:13:06,777 --> 00:13:08,226
you've been going
at it real hard.
389
00:13:08,228 --> 00:13:09,761
Why don't you take a breather?
390
00:13:09,763 --> 00:13:11,095
And I'll drive us home.
391
00:13:11,097 --> 00:13:12,881
(growls)
392
00:13:13,916 --> 00:13:15,600
Well, congratulations.
393
00:13:15,602 --> 00:13:17,202
Here's your grease.
(grunts)
394
00:13:17,204 --> 00:13:18,286
No!
395
00:13:18,288 --> 00:13:20,271
I don't want to lose a finger.
(grunts)
396
00:13:20,273 --> 00:13:21,540
Here.
Thanks.
397
00:13:21,542 --> 00:13:22,490
All right, Ted, let's go.
398
00:13:22,492 --> 00:13:23,608
No, no!
399
00:13:24,660 --> 00:13:26,778
I finally found
the one, Marshall.
400
00:13:26,780 --> 00:13:29,297
Her name is Bacon.
401
00:13:29,299 --> 00:13:32,467
You know, this would go great on
one of my mom's LT sandwiches.
402
00:13:32,469 --> 00:13:33,885
Buddy, you got to take it easy.
403
00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:35,003
Never!
404
00:13:35,005 --> 00:13:37,339
I got a lifetime without bacon
to make up for.
405
00:13:37,341 --> 00:13:39,057
I will keep eating and eating
406
00:13:39,059 --> 00:13:40,809
and eating...
Oh, God, help me.
407
00:13:40,811 --> 00:13:41,843
I'm going down.
408
00:13:41,845 --> 00:13:43,728
NARRATOR:
And that's the first
409
00:13:43,730 --> 00:13:50,986
and last time I ever ate bacon.
410
00:13:50,988 --> 00:13:52,320
Not everything.
411
00:13:53,155 --> 00:13:54,856
Lily Aldrin?
412
00:13:54,858 --> 00:13:56,191
Let's make out.
413
00:13:56,193 --> 00:13:57,642
(gasps)
414
00:13:57,644 --> 00:13:59,077
Are you sure?!
415
00:13:59,079 --> 00:14:00,579
Yeah, baby, I'm sure.
416
00:14:00,581 --> 00:14:02,330
Um...
417
00:14:02,332 --> 00:14:04,249
okay, well, you know what?
I mean...
418
00:14:04,251 --> 00:14:06,701
it probably won't even work.
419
00:14:06,703 --> 00:14:08,319
And it was stupid.
420
00:14:08,321 --> 00:14:09,704
I'm stupid.
421
00:14:09,706 --> 00:14:11,456
(shushing)
422
00:14:11,458 --> 00:14:12,958
You're beautiful.
423
00:14:17,463 --> 00:14:18,713
(gasps)
424
00:14:18,715 --> 00:14:20,849
More, more, more, more,
more, more, more, more.
425
00:14:20,851 --> 00:14:21,850
Whoa, he's awake!
426
00:14:21,852 --> 00:14:23,218
How'd you do it?!
427
00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:24,269
Nothing special.
428
00:14:24,271 --> 00:14:25,186
Hydration, patience.
429
00:14:25,188 --> 00:14:26,504
Quick, before he
passes out again.
430
00:14:26,506 --> 00:14:27,839
Barney!
(grunts)
431
00:14:27,841 --> 00:14:29,724
What's the secret ingredient
432
00:14:29,726 --> 00:14:32,477
in Stinson's
Hangover Fixer Elixir?
433
00:14:32,479 --> 00:14:33,845
Come on, stay with us.
434
00:14:33,847 --> 00:14:36,364
The secret ingredient
435
00:14:36,366 --> 00:14:37,616
is...
436
00:14:37,618 --> 00:14:39,050
nothing.
437
00:14:39,052 --> 00:14:39,918
ALL: Huh?
438
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,287
I ate too much bacon.
439
00:14:42,289 --> 00:14:44,623
Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir
440
00:14:44,625 --> 00:14:47,859
is a lie.
441
00:14:47,861 --> 00:14:50,462
That's the secret.
442
00:14:50,464 --> 00:14:52,380
You...
443
00:14:52,382 --> 00:14:54,749
You know, I could use
a little lie-down myself.
444
00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:01,294
So, Stinson's Hangover
Fixer Elixir is a lie?
445
00:15:01,295 --> 00:15:03,345
Why would you lie about that?
446
00:15:03,347 --> 00:15:04,380
Just to mess with us?
447
00:15:04,382 --> 00:15:05,764
Like that one jerk
in every high school
448
00:15:05,766 --> 00:15:07,082
who brings in fake mushrooms
449
00:15:07,084 --> 00:15:08,217
just to see
who's gullible enough
450
00:15:08,219 --> 00:15:09,351
to think they're tripping?
451
00:15:09,353 --> 00:15:11,387
Damn you, Ollie Gunderson.
452
00:15:11,389 --> 00:15:13,972
I knew those shrooms
tasted like Sea-Monkeys.
453
00:15:13,974 --> 00:15:15,691
How do you know
what Sea-Monkeys taste like?
454
00:15:15,693 --> 00:15:17,476
My older brothers are not...
455
00:15:17,478 --> 00:15:19,361
the best people.
456
00:15:19,363 --> 00:15:20,479
Why did you lie?
457
00:15:20,481 --> 00:15:22,481
I...
458
00:15:22,483 --> 00:15:25,868
love you guys.
459
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,121
He loves us?
460
00:15:29,123 --> 00:15:30,656
Let's throw him down
the stairs again.
461
00:15:30,658 --> 00:15:31,824
Yeah!
Yeah!
462
00:15:31,826 --> 00:15:32,958
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Think about it.
463
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,159
The first time Barney
464
00:15:34,161 --> 00:15:35,160
gave us that drink,
465
00:15:35,162 --> 00:15:36,211
those hangovers all happened
466
00:15:36,213 --> 00:15:38,130
at the worst possible moments.
467
00:15:38,132 --> 00:15:40,299
Remember? Marshall thought
he botched day two
468
00:15:40,301 --> 00:15:43,452
of the bar exam, so he freaked
out that night and got wasted?
469
00:15:43,454 --> 00:15:45,504
Now I'm gonna miss
the last day of the bar?
470
00:15:45,506 --> 00:15:46,755
I'll never be a lawyer!
471
00:15:46,757 --> 00:15:49,174
I should just go back to being
a manager at Structure.
472
00:15:49,176 --> 00:15:51,110
That ten percent
off all vests sale?
473
00:15:51,112 --> 00:15:52,478
That was my idea!
474
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:53,679
As was cutting the arms off
475
00:15:53,681 --> 00:15:54,980
all the shirts
that weren't selling.
476
00:15:54,982 --> 00:15:56,548
That's where I belong.
477
00:15:56,550 --> 00:15:58,650
No, Marshall.
478
00:15:58,652 --> 00:16:00,269
You're gonna be a lawyer.
479
00:16:00,271 --> 00:16:01,970
(groans)
No, I can't do it.
480
00:16:01,972 --> 00:16:04,773
Yes, you can. Your first day
back live on the air
481
00:16:04,775 --> 00:16:07,242
is gonna be legend--
wait for it--
482
00:16:07,244 --> 00:16:08,310
dary!
483
00:16:08,312 --> 00:16:10,045
Your kindergarten field trip
484
00:16:10,047 --> 00:16:12,030
to the jackhammer and
siren museum today...
485
00:16:12,032 --> 00:16:12,998
(groans)
486
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,284
...is gonna be legendary.
487
00:16:15,286 --> 00:16:16,668
No, it's not.
488
00:16:16,670 --> 00:16:18,704
Nothing's ever gonna
be legendary again.
489
00:16:18,706 --> 00:16:21,090
I-I'm never gonna
recover from this.
490
00:16:21,092 --> 00:16:22,458
It's just a hangover, Ted.
491
00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:23,675
Not that!
492
00:16:23,677 --> 00:16:26,128
I got left at the altar, Barney.
493
00:16:26,130 --> 00:16:29,848
I'm now a guy
who got left at the altar.
494
00:16:29,850 --> 00:16:32,217
There's no coming back
from that.
495
00:16:32,219 --> 00:16:34,520
Drink this.
496
00:16:34,522 --> 00:16:36,655
You're gonna be okay.
497
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,526
Barney made up the Stinson's
Hangover Fixer Elixir
498
00:16:40,528 --> 00:16:42,895
so we would all believe
that we could rally.
499
00:16:42,897 --> 00:16:46,148
I mean, even though it's fake,
it-it worked.
500
00:16:46,150 --> 00:16:47,649
Like-like Dumbo's feather.
501
00:16:47,651 --> 00:16:49,618
Dum-bro's feather.
502
00:16:49,620 --> 00:16:50,652
A placebo.
503
00:16:50,654 --> 00:16:52,237
Place-bro.
504
00:16:52,239 --> 00:16:53,322
A sugar pill.
505
00:16:53,324 --> 00:16:54,823
(gasps)
506
00:16:54,825 --> 00:16:56,291
I...
507
00:16:56,293 --> 00:16:58,427
He lied so we'd be okay.
508
00:16:58,429 --> 00:16:59,828
Hmm.
509
00:16:59,830 --> 00:17:02,164
Barney does love us.
510
00:17:02,166 --> 00:17:05,417
I wish we could help him out
the way he helped us.
511
00:17:05,419 --> 00:17:07,636
But the wedding photos
are in 20 minutes.
512
00:17:07,638 --> 00:17:09,505
(groans)
My dad's gonna be so pissed.
513
00:17:09,507 --> 00:17:10,923
Yup.
514
00:17:10,925 --> 00:17:13,008
Barney's a dead man.
515
00:17:18,798 --> 00:17:21,867
(camera shutter clicking)
516
00:17:25,905 --> 00:17:27,139
Barney?
517
00:17:27,141 --> 00:17:28,524
You were always a bit...
518
00:17:28,526 --> 00:17:30,993
chatty and blond
519
00:17:30,995 --> 00:17:32,661
for my taste. Like a woman.
520
00:17:32,663 --> 00:17:35,214
But this new side of you--
521
00:17:35,216 --> 00:17:36,532
quiet,
522
00:17:36,534 --> 00:17:37,916
steady?
523
00:17:37,918 --> 00:17:39,952
I like it!
524
00:17:39,954 --> 00:17:43,205
You've earned my
respect today, son.
525
00:17:43,207 --> 00:17:44,506
I request the highest of fives.
526
00:17:44,508 --> 00:17:45,907
Oh, no.
Stay cool.
527
00:17:45,909 --> 00:17:49,228
I got this.
528
00:17:54,684 --> 00:17:56,401
BARNEY:
I don't believe this.
529
00:17:56,403 --> 00:17:57,936
You did Weekend at Barney's.
530
00:17:57,938 --> 00:17:59,354
And it worked.
531
00:17:59,356 --> 00:18:02,474
God, today's gonna be
all downhill from here.
532
00:18:02,476 --> 00:18:04,009
That's what the bride
wants to hear.
533
00:18:04,011 --> 00:18:05,310
No, that's not what I meant.
534
00:18:05,312 --> 00:18:07,095
I just mean Weekend at Barney's
535
00:18:07,097 --> 00:18:09,865
is a thousand times more amazing
than our wedding could ever be.
536
00:18:09,867 --> 00:18:12,767
I'm gonna get some more coffee.
I can't wait to see the photos!
537
00:18:15,288 --> 00:18:17,122
Well, he bought it.
538
00:18:17,124 --> 00:18:18,407
We lied out of love.
539
00:18:18,409 --> 00:18:19,708
Look how happy he is.
540
00:18:19,710 --> 00:18:21,243
I mean, he has no idea
we had to cancel
541
00:18:21,245 --> 00:18:22,995
the wedding photos
and my dad was so angry,
542
00:18:22,997 --> 00:18:25,280
he came up to our room
and kicked Barney in the crotch.
543
00:18:25,282 --> 00:18:28,417
And the best part is
your dad has no idea.
544
00:18:28,419 --> 00:18:30,152
He still loves me.
545
00:18:30,154 --> 00:18:33,188
Hey, do anyone else's
balls hurt?
546
00:18:33,190 --> 00:18:34,590
MARSHALL:
And, look,
547
00:18:34,592 --> 00:18:35,641
some good came out of all this.
548
00:18:35,643 --> 00:18:37,175
Seeing you like that,
we all vowed
549
00:18:37,177 --> 00:18:39,294
never to get that drunk again.
550
00:18:39,296 --> 00:18:40,795
Well, actually I didn't.
551
00:18:40,797 --> 00:18:42,064
But I will now.
552
00:18:42,066 --> 00:18:43,098
Never again.
553
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,850
Never again. Never again.
Never... Ow!
554
00:18:44,852 --> 00:18:46,518
NARRATOR: Kids, no matter
how hard we try,
555
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,071
even the best of us go
a little too wild sometimes.
556
00:18:49,073 --> 00:18:52,024
And in those moments,
we all need
557
00:18:52,026 --> 00:18:54,409
someone who loves us
to help us rally.
558
00:18:54,411 --> 00:18:56,578
(groans)
559
00:18:58,514 --> 00:19:00,616
(whispers): Happy New Year.
Okay.
560
00:19:00,618 --> 00:19:02,034
That was, that was way too loud.
561
00:19:02,036 --> 00:19:04,119
You're practically screaming.
562
00:19:04,121 --> 00:19:05,837
What you need
563
00:19:05,839 --> 00:19:08,707
is Stinson's
Hangover Fixer Elixir.
564
00:19:08,709 --> 00:19:10,876
Even if that means lying
once in a while.
565
00:19:10,878 --> 00:19:12,094
Does it work?
566
00:19:12,096 --> 00:19:13,161
Totally works.
567
00:19:14,830 --> 00:19:16,998
(gags)
568
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,634
It's normal,
it's totally normal.
569
00:19:18,636 --> 00:19:21,353
(groans)
570
00:19:22,255 --> 00:19:24,172
(laughs)
I love you so much.
571
00:19:24,174 --> 00:19:25,140
I love you, too.
572
00:19:25,142 --> 00:19:27,442
Whoop, whoop.
573
00:19:27,444 --> 00:19:28,694
Better drink it fast.
574
00:19:28,696 --> 00:19:29,478
BOTH: Mommy!
575
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:30,696
Hey, look who it is!
576
00:19:30,698 --> 00:19:32,064
Get her!
577
00:19:32,066 --> 00:19:34,199
(all clamoring)
578
00:19:37,476 --> 00:19:38,837
I can't believe we kissed today.
579
00:19:39,464 --> 00:19:41,548
Weird.
580
00:19:41,550 --> 00:19:43,166
I-I feel kind of bad
581
00:19:43,168 --> 00:19:45,719
that, um,
Ted and Marshall missed it.
582
00:19:45,721 --> 00:19:48,054
Hey, we should kiss
one more time
583
00:19:48,056 --> 00:19:51,508
in front of them just to,
like, blow their minds.
584
00:19:51,510 --> 00:19:53,226
Right?
585
00:19:53,228 --> 00:19:54,394
Nah, I don't think so.
586
00:19:54,396 --> 00:19:56,212
Exactly, totally.
587
00:19:56,214 --> 00:19:59,566
Ha-ha, guys, you don't get
to see this kiss either.
588
00:19:59,568 --> 00:20:01,217
So, where should we go?
589
00:20:01,219 --> 00:20:03,186
Closet, patio?
590
00:20:03,188 --> 00:20:04,388
Ooh, I think the sauna's open.
591
00:20:04,389 --> 00:20:05,655
Well, I... actually...
592
00:20:05,657 --> 00:20:09,359
to be honest,
it-it felt kind of weird to me.
593
00:20:09,361 --> 00:20:10,560
Once was enough.
594
00:20:10,562 --> 00:20:11,694
Totally.
595
00:20:11,696 --> 00:20:12,779
We could kiss.
596
00:20:12,781 --> 00:20:13,780
We could not kiss.
597
00:20:13,782 --> 00:20:15,365
We could kiss.
598
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:16,399
Doesn't matter to me.
599
00:20:16,401 --> 00:20:17,333
It's stupid.
600
00:20:17,335 --> 00:20:18,785
I'm stupid.
601
00:20:22,041 --> 00:20:24,224
So stupid.
602
00:20:24,381 --> 00:20:29,381
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man