1
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,595
Her favorite CD
in the Otis Redding box set? Disk three.

2
00:00:17,877 --> 00:00:20,345
My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone?

3
00:00:20,446 --> 00:00:22,414
Come on. Disk three!

4
00:00:23,216 --> 00:00:26,083
God, Victoria's so amazing.
I could talk about her for hours.

5
00:00:26,185 --> 00:00:28,119
What do you mean could?

6
00:00:28,221 --> 00:00:30,052
I'm sorry. It's just...

7
00:00:30,156 --> 00:00:33,557
God, I'm crazy about this girl.
It feels like, maybe...

8
00:00:34,093 --> 00:00:37,290
- I don't wanna say it.
- Trust that impulse, Ted.

9
00:00:38,464 --> 00:00:41,331
Hey, something kind of cool
just happened.

10
00:00:41,434 --> 00:00:43,299
My story on Pickles, the singing dog,

11
00:00:43,402 --> 00:00:46,462
just got nominated
for a Local Area Media Award.

12
00:00:47,373 --> 00:00:51,434
- A LAMA?
- We prefer Local Area Media Award.

13
00:00:52,378 --> 00:00:54,369
Um, there's gonna be this big banquet.

14
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:55,845
I know these things aren't much fun,

15
00:00:55,948 --> 00:00:58,212
but it would really mean a lot to me
if you guys came.

16
00:00:58,317 --> 00:00:59,614
Oh, well...

17
00:00:59,986 --> 00:01:01,146
And there's an open bar.

18
00:01:01,254 --> 00:01:02,221
- Oh, yes!
- Word up!

19
00:01:02,321 --> 00:01:04,312
Put me down for two.

20
00:01:04,423 --> 00:01:06,448
- Really? It's three months away.
- I know.

21
00:01:06,559 --> 00:01:09,722
But, guys, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.

22
00:01:09,829 --> 00:01:13,287
I have a feeling Victoria's gonna be around
for a long time.

23
00:01:14,767 --> 00:01:16,735
I'm gonna miss Victoria.

24
00:01:17,036 --> 00:01:18,628
I should just skip this thing entirely.

25
00:01:18,738 --> 00:01:21,730
Robin is still pissed at me after,
you know...

26
00:01:21,841 --> 00:01:24,833
You lied and said you were broken up
with Victoria before you actually were,

27
00:01:24,944 --> 00:01:26,138
so you could try to nail Robin,

28
00:01:26,245 --> 00:01:29,305
and you wound up losing both girls
in one night.

29
00:01:29,415 --> 00:01:32,077
Yes, that's what I meant by, "You know..."

30
00:01:32,785 --> 00:01:35,720
I haven't seen her in three weeks.
She won't return my calls.

31
00:01:35,821 --> 00:01:38,551
- Look, I shouldn't go.
- You should definitely go.

32
00:01:38,658 --> 00:01:39,818
Look, it's a chance to show her

33
00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:41,722
you're still friends
and that you support her.

34
00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:44,990
Or it's a chance to mess with her head
by showing up with someone hotter.

35
00:01:45,097 --> 00:01:48,362
Even better, triple threat,
hotter and bigger boobs.

36
00:01:48,467 --> 00:01:50,833
- That's only two.
- Count again.

37
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,800
Barney, I'm not bringing a date
even if I wanted to.

38
00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:55,237
The thing's in two hours.

39
00:01:55,341 --> 00:01:58,504
- So get an escort.
- By escort, you mean prostitute?

40
00:01:58,878 --> 00:02:01,176
- Why not?
- Because gross?

41
00:02:02,014 --> 00:02:03,072
Oh, what, gross?

42
00:02:03,182 --> 00:02:06,083
What, you have some puritanical hang-up
about prostitution?

43
00:02:06,185 --> 00:02:08,949
Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.

44
00:02:09,789 --> 00:02:12,019
- You really think that's true?
- Oh, yeah.

45
00:02:12,124 --> 00:02:14,524
I bet even Cro-Magnons
used to give cave-hookers,

46
00:02:14,627 --> 00:02:16,959
like, an extra fish for putting out.

47
00:02:17,063 --> 00:02:20,055
Uh-huh. So, then, the oldest profession
would be fisherman. Kaboom!

48
00:02:20,166 --> 00:02:21,929
You've been lawyered.

49
00:02:23,202 --> 00:02:26,501
Come on, Ted. Let's get you a hooker.
It'll be fun.

50
00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:29,403
Okay. To bring to the banquet
and hang out with ironically

51
00:02:29,508 --> 00:02:32,534
- or to actually have sex with?
- Yes.

52
00:02:33,846 --> 00:02:37,509
No, it's illegal. And did I mention gross?

53
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:40,517
That's adorable.
Ted, you're such a hayseed.

54
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:44,847
The companionship business
is the growth industry of the 21st century.

55
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:49,553
You do realize that one out of every eight
adult women in America is a prostitute.

56
00:02:49,662 --> 00:02:50,651
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.

57
00:02:50,763 --> 00:02:51,752
Lawyered.

58
00:02:53,866 --> 00:02:56,630
The point is... How long has it been?

59
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:00,563
Fifty-seven days.

60
00:03:01,507 --> 00:03:02,997
- Is that your water? May I?
- Yeah, go ahead.

61
00:03:03,109 --> 00:03:04,508
Much obliged.

62
00:03:05,211 --> 00:03:09,614
Fifty-seven days! Ted, you are in a slump.

63
00:03:09,715 --> 00:03:13,549
No, it's not a slump.
It's an intentional hiatus from girls.

64
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:16,416
A slump is when you strike out
every time you step up to the plate,

65
00:03:16,522 --> 00:03:18,387
but I'm off the roster, baby.

66
00:03:18,557 --> 00:03:20,457
I'm in the locker room
sitting in the whirlpool.

67
00:03:20,559 --> 00:03:23,027
And I'll tell you something,
it feels pretty good.

68
00:03:23,129 --> 00:03:25,029
Yeah. You know what else
is in that locker room?

69
00:03:25,131 --> 00:03:27,691
A bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.

70
00:03:28,701 --> 00:03:33,570
Ted, you need a lady,
and I've got the next best thing. Mary.

71
00:03:33,906 --> 00:03:37,569
She lives in my building.
She's smart. She's hot. She's totally cool.

72
00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,007
Oh, she sounds great.

73
00:03:39,111 --> 00:03:41,636
And, who knows, maybe we will wind up
getting married someday,

74
00:03:41,747 --> 00:03:44,716
you know,
if we can get a blessing from her pimp.

75
00:03:44,817 --> 00:03:46,944
You wanna judge a fellow human being

76
00:03:47,052 --> 00:03:49,714
based solely on
one external characteristic?

77
00:03:49,822 --> 00:03:51,312
That's racism.

78
00:03:51,624 --> 00:03:55,060
And I do not drink with racists. Good day!

79
00:03:59,432 --> 00:04:01,730
You're just waiting for me to speak,
so you can...

80
00:04:01,834 --> 00:04:03,426
I said good day!

81
00:04:05,371 --> 00:04:05,771
So should I wear my hair up or down?

82
00:04:05,772 --> 00:04:07,864
So should I wear my hair up or down?

83
00:04:10,309 --> 00:04:12,300
- Lily.
- What?

84
00:04:12,411 --> 00:04:15,346
- You okay?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

85
00:04:15,448 --> 00:04:17,780
I'm just exhausted from work.

86
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:21,649
The stupid school board took away
naptime in all kindergarten classes,

87
00:04:21,754 --> 00:04:25,087
and now the kids are just going crazy
by the end of the day.

88
00:04:25,191 --> 00:04:29,127
And it's much harder to deal with
because, well, I don't get my nap.

89
00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:33,258
Oh, wait, you were taking naps
when the kids were? Is that safe?

90
00:04:33,365 --> 00:04:36,232
Oh, they're only five.
What are they gonna do to me?

91
00:04:38,871 --> 00:04:41,897
- Ted's still coming to this thing, right?
- Yep.

92
00:04:42,608 --> 00:04:46,635
Do you think, hypothetically,
it would be weird if I bring a date?

93
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:51,878
Look at you, Scherbatsky,
blatantly trying to make Ted jealous.

94
00:04:51,984 --> 00:04:54,350
No, it's just this guy
at the station.

95
00:04:54,453 --> 00:04:58,150
I never get involved with coworkers,
but he asked me and I said yes.

96
00:04:58,324 --> 00:05:01,691
- Is it gonna be weird?
- No, it's not gonna be weird at all.

97
00:05:02,061 --> 00:05:05,724
- Robin's bringing a date.
- That's gonna be really weird.

98
00:05:05,831 --> 00:05:07,458
- I know.
- Okay.

99
00:05:09,702 --> 00:05:13,695
- Robin's bringing a date.
- Oh. Okay, that's not weird.

100
00:05:13,806 --> 00:05:16,297
She's bringing a date.
I'm glad she's moving on.

101
00:05:16,408 --> 00:05:19,275
- Dude, it's gonna be weird.
- No, it's fine.

102
00:05:19,378 --> 00:05:22,779
Look, in spite of whatever happened
between us, Robin and I are still friends.

103
00:05:22,882 --> 00:05:23,871
I don't think it'll be weird.

104
00:05:23,983 --> 00:05:25,575
- Yeah, it won't be weird.
- Thank you.

105
00:05:25,684 --> 00:05:27,879
Because you're gonna bring
your own date.

106
00:05:27,987 --> 00:05:30,512
- Hello, Barney.
- Hi, Mary.

107
00:05:30,623 --> 00:05:32,614
Have you met Ted?

108
00:05:41,122 --> 00:05:43,488
- Nice to meet you, Ted.
- Hi, Mary.

109
00:05:43,858 --> 00:05:46,383
Wow! It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.

110
00:05:46,494 --> 00:05:48,121
So, we're going to an award show?

111
00:05:48,229 --> 00:05:49,821
Yep. Could you just excuse us
for one minute?

112
00:05:49,930 --> 00:05:51,864
- Barney?
- See you in two shakes, Mar.

113
00:05:51,966 --> 00:05:54,491
You two make yourselves comfortable.

114
00:05:55,770 --> 00:05:56,964
What the hell?

115
00:05:57,071 --> 00:05:59,767
Dude, your narrow-minded views
on professional fornicators

116
00:05:59,874 --> 00:06:01,307
are harshing my mellow.

117
00:06:01,409 --> 00:06:05,106
- So, I got you a date for the evening.
- You got me a hooker.

118
00:06:05,413 --> 00:06:08,075
A really hot... A hooker!

119
00:06:08,416 --> 00:06:10,407
Think about it. This is perfect.

120
00:06:10,518 --> 00:06:13,487
A, it will make Robin insanely jealous.

121
00:06:13,587 --> 00:06:16,021
B, you get to have sex with her.

122
00:06:16,123 --> 00:06:18,387
And C, maybe by getting to know Mary,

123
00:06:18,492 --> 00:06:20,790
you'll come to see
that courtesans are people, too.

124
00:06:20,895 --> 00:06:24,854
And D, B all night long.

125
00:06:25,065 --> 00:06:27,727
I'm not taking a prostitute
to Robin's banquet.

126
00:06:27,835 --> 00:06:30,030
Dude, the only people who will know
are you, me and Marshall.

127
00:06:30,137 --> 00:06:31,161
No one will suspect a thing.

128
00:06:31,272 --> 00:06:34,969
They'll just see you with
this unbelievably smoking hot girl and...

129
00:06:35,075 --> 00:06:37,669
Okay, yeah, that's a little bit suspicious.

130
00:06:38,913 --> 00:06:42,041
Look, I'm just trying to expand
your horizons a little bit tonight.

131
00:06:42,149 --> 00:06:45,312
But if you're not interested, fine,
I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever.

132
00:06:45,419 --> 00:06:46,818
Five hundred bucks, you?

133
00:06:46,921 --> 00:06:48,889
Ted, you're my cabrón,

134
00:06:48,989 --> 00:06:53,323
You think I'm gonna stick you with some
toothless tranny from the Port Authority?

135
00:06:53,461 --> 00:06:56,953
Look at how hot she is.
Robin would be so jealous.

136
00:06:57,064 --> 00:07:00,124
I'm not trying
to make Robin jealous, Barney.

137
00:07:00,234 --> 00:07:03,567
Look, I... Tell Mary thanks, but no thanks.
I have a soul.

138
00:07:05,039 --> 00:07:06,666
And then
your Uncle Marshall and I

139
00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:07,798
had one of our famous

140
00:07:07,908 --> 00:07:09,569
telepathic conversations,

141
00:07:10,144 --> 00:07:12,635
- Check out Robin's date,
- I know,

142
00:07:12,746 --> 00:07:17,308
- Is that who I think it is?
- Yep, It's Sandy Rivers,

143
00:07:17,685 --> 00:07:20,415
Sandy Rivers
was the face ofMetro News 1,

144
00:07:20,521 --> 00:07:23,456
the most low-budget
cable news channel ever,

145
00:07:23,724 --> 00:07:25,658
Sandy time. Sandy time!

146
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:29,589
He was best known for his morning
segment in "Today's Paper,"

147
00:07:29,697 --> 00:07:33,997
during which he literally flipped through
today's paper reading it aloud to viewers,

148
00:07:34,101 --> 00:07:37,434
Here we have on the front page
a story about a...

149
00:07:38,038 --> 00:07:42,441
I guess a guy in a superhero costume
climbing the Empire State Building,

150
00:07:42,843 --> 00:07:44,470
Looks interesting,

151
00:07:45,145 --> 00:07:48,546
These idiotic filler pieces
were a guilty pleasure of ours,

152
00:07:48,649 --> 00:07:51,049
Oh, which Sandy do we want today?
Uh...

153
00:07:51,485 --> 00:07:54,750
- French Sandy, porn-star Sandy...
- Yosemite Sandy, definitely.

154
00:07:54,855 --> 00:07:56,482
Excellent choice.

155
00:07:59,693 --> 00:08:02,059
SAND Y;... I raised these as a child,
I tell you it's not easy,

156
00:08:06,734 --> 00:08:08,668
I love this guy.

157
00:08:08,869 --> 00:08:10,860
I hate this guy.

158
00:08:14,041 --> 00:08:16,373
- Hey. Hi.
- Hi.

159
00:08:16,477 --> 00:08:18,638
- I'm Lily.
- I'm Mary. Nice to meet you.

160
00:08:18,746 --> 00:08:21,340
Mary is a friend of Barney's.
Barney invited her.

161
00:08:21,448 --> 00:08:23,848
Just met Mary ourselves.
Don't know too much about Mary.

162
00:08:23,951 --> 00:08:25,384
Look, a beer.

163
00:08:27,988 --> 00:08:29,319
- Hey.
- Hi.

164
00:08:29,823 --> 00:08:31,984
- You look nice.
- Oh, Ted, this is Sandy.

165
00:08:32,092 --> 00:08:36,324
Hi, Sandy Rivers. Use my full name.
People get a kick out of it.

166
00:08:36,430 --> 00:08:38,694
Hi, Sandy Rivers.

167
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,299
- So, are you two...
- Starting a bunch of office rumors?

168
00:08:43,404 --> 00:08:45,668
Looks that way. Looks that way.

169
00:08:47,207 --> 00:08:49,072
Oh, how rude of me.

170
00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:52,171
Robin, Sandy... Rivers,

171
00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:55,448
this is Mary, my date.

172
00:09:05,162 --> 00:09:06,424
ANNOUNCER; Ladies and gentlemen,

173
00:09:06,530 --> 00:09:09,431
welcome to the 45th annual
Local Area Media Awards,

174
00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:11,467
Please say hello
to our host for the evening,

175
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:15,469
king of the Saturday afternoon
kung fu movie, Vampire Lou,

176
00:09:20,010 --> 00:09:23,673
Tonight we celebrate the very best
in broadcasting

177
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:26,715
and the triumph of the human spirit,

178
00:09:27,517 --> 00:09:30,543
Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.

179
00:09:31,722 --> 00:09:34,589
I can't believe I'm on
a date with a hooker.

180
00:09:34,691 --> 00:09:38,286
Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily
go to the ladies' room together, man.

181
00:09:38,395 --> 00:09:39,828
Secrets come out in there.

182
00:09:39,930 --> 00:09:41,227
Oh, please, how's it gonna come out?

183
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,799
"Pass me a towel.
P.S. I have sex for money."

184
00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:46,164
- Who had sex for money?
- Nobody.

185
00:09:46,269 --> 00:09:48,635
What did you guys talk about in there,
anything interesting?

186
00:09:48,739 --> 00:09:50,229
No, not really.

187
00:09:50,907 --> 00:09:53,967
We just chitchatted,
and I borrowed her lipstick.

188
00:09:55,879 --> 00:10:00,714
Yeah, why is Vampire Lou the host
of a Saturday afternoon kung fu movie?

189
00:10:00,984 --> 00:10:04,715
You know? It just makes no sense.
God, that pisses me off.

190
00:10:05,288 --> 00:10:06,516
Lily, you okay?

191
00:10:06,623 --> 00:10:10,252
Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.
And when I get tired, I get cranky.

192
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,521
Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.

193
00:10:12,629 --> 00:10:15,325
"Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky."

194
00:10:16,967 --> 00:10:19,128
Wow. Why are you so tired?

195
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:20,935
Well, I teach kindergarten,

196
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:22,937
and the school board
took away my naptime...

197
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,631
The kids' naptime.

198
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:27,173
Lily, quit your job.
Work at a private school.

199
00:10:27,277 --> 00:10:28,744
You won't have to deal
with the school board,

200
00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:31,541
- and you'll make a ton more money.
- Well, guess what, Barney?

201
00:10:31,648 --> 00:10:35,140
I don't base all my life decisions
on how much money I'm gonna make,

202
00:10:35,252 --> 00:10:37,345
unlike you and sadly my fiancé.

203
00:10:37,454 --> 00:10:39,513
Well, it's just an internship
for the record for everybody...

204
00:10:39,656 --> 00:10:43,319
Yeah, because if I did sacrifice
all my values just for an easy buck,

205
00:10:43,426 --> 00:10:46,589
- what would that make me?
- A prostitute.

206
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,456
Exactly. Thank you, Mary.

207
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:53,502
- So, Mary, what do you do for a living?
- She's a paralegal.

208
00:10:55,672 --> 00:10:57,264
Yes, I'm a paralegal.

209
00:10:57,374 --> 00:10:59,604
So, Mary the paralegal.

210
00:10:59,976 --> 00:11:02,376
What does a paralegal do exactly?

211
00:11:03,647 --> 00:11:07,981
I just assist with day-to-day clerical work
in a law firm, downtown.

212
00:11:08,118 --> 00:11:11,884
- Oh, what firm?
- Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.

213
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:14,553
- That's a real law firm.
- I know.

214
00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:16,350
Nice.

215
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:20,893
- Pretty good on your feet.
- Are you flirting with me?

216
00:11:20,997 --> 00:11:24,262
- Is that allowed?
- Yes, it's encouraged.

217
00:11:25,402 --> 00:11:28,838
You know, I wouldn't normally
say this on a first date,

218
00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:31,635
but, well, considering,
I'm just gonna say it.

219
00:11:31,741 --> 00:11:33,572
You are so hot.

220
00:11:34,544 --> 00:11:36,774
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.

221
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,815
Mary, Ted is a great guy.
You hold on to him.

222
00:11:39,916 --> 00:11:42,441
Don't let him out of your sight
for a minute.

223
00:11:43,987 --> 00:11:45,978
So, Sandy, what do you do?

224
00:11:46,089 --> 00:11:47,989
Oh, wait, I know what you do.

225
00:11:48,091 --> 00:11:50,025
You're the guy
who reads the paper in the morning.

226
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,095
You got me. What do you do, Ted?

227
00:11:53,196 --> 00:11:55,562
Oh, same thing as you.
I read the paper every morning.

228
00:11:55,665 --> 00:11:59,328
But then after that, I finish my coffee
and I go to my real job as an architect,

229
00:11:59,436 --> 00:12:01,927
where I make an actual contribution
to the world.

230
00:12:02,038 --> 00:12:04,302
I'm just kidding. Love your show.
You're terrific.

231
00:12:04,407 --> 00:12:07,570
Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.

232
00:12:10,614 --> 00:12:12,980
Hey, you know that scene in Empire

233
00:12:13,083 --> 00:12:16,052
where they lower the helmet
onto Darth Vader's head?

234
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:19,519
Do you think that's how Sandy
puts his hair on in the morning?

235
00:12:20,223 --> 00:12:24,455
You just insulted someone I hate
by referencing something I love.

236
00:12:24,861 --> 00:12:27,261
Damn! You just got even hotter.

237
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:33,799
And so, as the night wore on,
I started to realize

238
00:12:33,904 --> 00:12:38,398
this girl, despite what she did
for a living, was kind of great,

239
00:12:42,556 --> 00:12:44,217
- Hey.
- Hey.

240
00:12:44,592 --> 00:12:47,584
Mary seems nice.
Have you kissed her yet or are you waiting

241
00:12:47,695 --> 00:12:50,687
until you're in a serious relationship
with someone else?

242
00:12:50,798 --> 00:12:53,858
Yeah. I've been meaning to apologize
for everything that happened.

243
00:12:53,968 --> 00:12:56,664
And just like that it's all okay.
Roll credits.

244
00:12:56,771 --> 00:12:59,638
So you're gonna be mad at me forever?
What, we're not even friends now?

245
00:12:59,740 --> 00:13:01,731
- We're still friends.
- We're... Are we?

246
00:13:01,842 --> 00:13:03,833
You don't return my calls.
We never hang out.

247
00:13:03,944 --> 00:13:07,209
And now you're trying to make me jealous
by waving Edward R. Moron in my face?

248
00:13:07,314 --> 00:13:11,273
Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here
in her low-cut dress to make me jealous?

249
00:13:11,385 --> 00:13:13,376
Oh, so now she's a whore?

250
00:13:14,789 --> 00:13:16,416
- What?
- You know something?

251
00:13:16,524 --> 00:13:19,493
Mary the paralegal is awesome.
And you know what else?

252
00:13:19,593 --> 00:13:21,151
I didn't come here tonight
to make you jealous.

253
00:13:21,262 --> 00:13:25,665
I came here to support you as a friend,
and frankly, I'm sick of trying.

254
00:13:28,869 --> 00:13:30,427
I like that guy.

255
00:13:34,475 --> 00:13:36,170
- Hey.
- Hey.

256
00:13:36,277 --> 00:13:37,767
What were you guys
talking about over there?

257
00:13:37,878 --> 00:13:41,905
Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend
that I think you're awesome.

258
00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:44,540
Well, thanks.

259
00:13:45,319 --> 00:13:48,288
You know, this is one of the nicer hotels
I've ever been in.

260
00:13:48,389 --> 00:13:49,651
Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel.

261
00:13:49,757 --> 00:13:51,418
You should see the rooms,
the views are amazing.

262
00:13:51,525 --> 00:13:54,551
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad
we don't have a room.

263
00:13:55,596 --> 00:13:58,224
Room 1506, my treat. You kids go nuts.

264
00:13:58,332 --> 00:14:00,698
Actually, don't use the minibar.

265
00:14:12,147 --> 00:14:14,308
Do it. Come on, Ted, do it.

266
00:14:14,416 --> 00:14:16,646
This is one of those things you have to do
before you turn 30.

267
00:14:16,752 --> 00:14:20,153
- Sleep with a prostitute?
- No, lose your virginity. What up!

268
00:14:20,255 --> 00:14:24,817
Statistic. Men who have had
at least one relationship with a prostitute

269
00:14:24,926 --> 00:14:28,623
are 75% more likely
to have success in future relationships.

270
00:14:28,730 --> 00:14:30,027
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.

271
00:14:30,132 --> 00:14:32,293
Lawyered. Okay, three things.

272
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,095
First of all, Robin's
category is almost up.

273
00:14:34,202 --> 00:14:37,603
And second of all, you cannot do this.
It's wrong on every level.

274
00:14:37,706 --> 00:14:40,402
And third, I've been placing small items
in Sandy's hair all night,

275
00:14:40,509 --> 00:14:42,170
and he still hasn't noticed.

276
00:14:42,277 --> 00:14:46,509
I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this.
It's just... It's a shame. She's really cool.

277
00:14:46,615 --> 00:14:48,981
- Yeah, well... Here we go.
- All right.

278
00:14:49,084 --> 00:14:52,611
Brampton for
"A Bicycle, Joy Ride or Deathtrap?"

279
00:14:53,088 --> 00:14:56,683
Mike Murphy
for "Thirteen, Pregnant and Addicted,"

280
00:14:57,125 --> 00:15:00,856
And Robin Scherbatsky
for "Pickles, the Singing Dog,"

281
00:15:01,229 --> 00:15:04,596
And the winner is Robin Scherbatsky,

282
00:15:10,839 --> 00:15:12,170
Thanks.

283
00:15:14,309 --> 00:15:17,574
Oh, wow, This is really a surprise,

284
00:15:18,613 --> 00:15:22,276
You know, it's nice to be able
to share this award with my friends,

285
00:15:22,384 --> 00:15:23,681
They're all here tonight,

286
00:15:23,785 --> 00:15:26,219
Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers...

287
00:15:28,490 --> 00:15:29,718
Barney,

288
00:15:31,092 --> 00:15:34,391
And that's it, Those are all my friends,
Thank you,

289
00:15:42,237 --> 00:15:44,637
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.

290
00:15:45,407 --> 00:15:49,366
- Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab?
- Sure. Let's go.

291
00:15:50,478 --> 00:15:53,879
Yeah, this party is dead.
Mary, you wanna go upstairs?

292
00:15:55,050 --> 00:15:56,711
We got a room.

293
00:15:58,820 --> 00:16:02,483
- Dude, what are you doing?
- What's it look like?

294
00:16:02,591 --> 00:16:05,560
It looks bad, is what it looks like,
You cannot do this,

295
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:08,595
Marshall, she is a really cool girl
when you get to know her,

296
00:16:08,697 --> 00:16:12,827
Besides, I'm trying to make Robin
jealous, - Oh, that's real mature,

297
00:16:13,268 --> 00:16:16,203
Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?

298
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,866
Nothing, baby, Don't worry about it,

299
00:16:18,974 --> 00:16:20,874
Fine, Do what you want,

300
00:16:21,509 --> 00:16:22,669
Hey,

301
00:16:23,411 --> 00:16:24,469
Should we go?

302
00:16:24,579 --> 00:16:25,773
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

303
00:16:27,515 --> 00:16:28,482
Thanks.

304
00:16:28,583 --> 00:16:31,177
Well, good night.

305
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,251
Good night.

306
00:16:48,670 --> 00:16:50,035
So, did you and Barney ever...

307
00:16:50,138 --> 00:16:52,936
- There's not enough money in the world.
- Oh, thank God.

308
00:16:53,041 --> 00:16:54,065
Yeah.

309
00:16:57,312 --> 00:16:59,280
- Wow, so they're...
- Uh-huh.

310
00:17:00,916 --> 00:17:04,909
- Robin, where's Sandy Rivers?
- I put him in a cab.

311
00:17:05,420 --> 00:17:08,753
- So, wait, you and he aren't...
- I don't date people I work with.

312
00:17:08,857 --> 00:17:11,189
I was just trying to make Ted jealous.

313
00:17:11,293 --> 00:17:14,285
- Is he...
- He's off trying to make you jealous.

314
00:17:14,396 --> 00:17:16,421
Oh, well, good for them.

315
00:17:16,965 --> 00:17:20,423
And, you know, if Ted likes her,
she's probably pretty cool.

316
00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:24,500
Lily, I know you're asleep,
but I have to tell someone this,

317
00:17:24,606 --> 00:17:27,871
and we tell each other everything,
So here it goes,

318
00:17:28,543 --> 00:17:31,706
Mary's not a paralegal, She's a prostitute,

319
00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:33,743
Mary's a prostitute?

320
00:17:34,582 --> 00:17:36,641
- What?
- Barney paid for her.

321
00:17:37,819 --> 00:17:39,252
Barney, is that true?

322
00:17:39,354 --> 00:17:42,255
We were having a conversation
about prostitution.

323
00:17:42,357 --> 00:17:45,485
And then Barney calls her up,
and then she shows up at the bar,

324
00:17:45,593 --> 00:17:47,288
and now she and Ted are upstairs.

325
00:17:47,395 --> 00:17:49,693
Okay, seriously,
what is going on with Ted, lately?

326
00:17:49,798 --> 00:17:52,130
Is he having a nervous breakdown?

327
00:17:52,233 --> 00:17:56,465
You know, Barney,
for anyone else this would be a new low,

328
00:17:56,571 --> 00:17:59,369
but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.

329
00:18:00,875 --> 00:18:04,038
Oh, my God, I used her lipstick. Oh!

330
00:18:04,612 --> 00:18:05,772
That's her napkin.

331
00:18:08,450 --> 00:18:11,283
Okay, well, I guess now
is as good a time as any.

332
00:18:11,386 --> 00:18:13,513
In keeping with tonight's
award show motif,

333
00:18:13,621 --> 00:18:16,954
I'd like to announce
this evening's big twist ending.

334
00:18:20,328 --> 00:18:22,888
Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?

335
00:18:24,232 --> 00:18:26,928
"Mary is not really a prostitute."

336
00:18:27,836 --> 00:18:30,327
- What?
- That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.

337
00:18:30,438 --> 00:18:31,928
- So she's not...
- No.

338
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,270
Mary is just a paralegal
who lives in my building.

339
00:18:34,376 --> 00:18:36,310
Oh! And here's the best part.

340
00:18:36,411 --> 00:18:38,572
She has no idea
that Ted thinks she's a hooker.

341
00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:44,882
Oh, come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

342
00:18:56,097 --> 00:18:58,361
Feel kind of like Richard Gere.

343
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:01,797
- Not shy about your looks, are you?
- No.

344
00:19:03,972 --> 00:19:06,873
You know, Mary,
I've never done this before.

345
00:19:07,308 --> 00:19:12,245
- Done what?
- You know, been on a date.

346
00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:15,042
Right.

347
00:19:15,884 --> 00:19:18,250
- Wait, you're kidding, right?
- No.

348
00:19:18,620 --> 00:19:20,349
Why, is that so odd?

349
00:19:20,455 --> 00:19:25,358
Well, Ted, I mean,
I've been going on dates since I was 15.

350
00:19:26,428 --> 00:19:28,419
God, you were just a kid.

351
00:19:29,230 --> 00:19:32,427
Well, look, let's just have a few drinks.
We'll relax...

352
00:19:32,534 --> 00:19:34,092
Yeah, that sounds great.

353
00:19:34,202 --> 00:19:36,762
I had clients riding me all day long.

354
00:19:37,939 --> 00:19:39,634
- Must be tough.
- Yeah.

355
00:19:39,741 --> 00:19:41,868
I mean, this one guy
just wouldn't leave me alone.

356
00:19:41,976 --> 00:19:43,944
I mean, talk about anal.

357
00:19:51,286 --> 00:19:52,776
Here we are.

358
00:19:56,291 --> 00:19:59,351
Okay, look. Mary, I like you a lot.

359
00:19:59,627 --> 00:20:01,822
I'm sort of amazed
at how much I like you.

360
00:20:01,930 --> 00:20:04,899
But I can't do this, you're a hooker.

361
00:20:06,634 --> 00:20:07,760
What?

362
00:20:07,869 --> 00:20:10,929
Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'm
sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me.

363
00:20:11,039 --> 00:20:13,473
I'm not gonna have sex with a prostitute.

364
00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:15,843
Ted, I'm a paralegal.

365
00:20:16,244 --> 00:20:18,007
Come on, Mary,
there's no one else around.

366
00:20:18,113 --> 00:20:19,705
You're a hooker.

367
00:20:20,381 --> 00:20:23,248
No, Ted. I'm a paralegal.

368
00:20:24,052 --> 00:20:26,316
No, you're a hooker.

369
00:20:27,856 --> 00:20:30,723
No, I'm a paralegal.

370
00:20:34,762 --> 00:20:36,423
You're a paralegal.

371
00:20:40,768 --> 00:20:43,328
- That was not funny.
- Not funny, dude.

372
00:20:43,605 --> 00:20:45,596
I know. It was hilarious.

373
00:20:46,441 --> 00:20:49,706
- Why would you do that?
- I did it to prove a point.

374
00:20:49,811 --> 00:20:51,176
What point?

375
00:20:52,947 --> 00:20:55,507
Stay with me, it's gonna come to me.

376
00:20:57,218 --> 00:20:58,981
Okay, here's the point.

377
00:20:59,087 --> 00:21:00,748
You thought that Mary
was a sure thing, right?

378
00:21:00,855 --> 00:21:04,621
So what happened? She took you up
to a hotel room on the first date.

379
00:21:04,726 --> 00:21:07,524
All you have to do is be that confident
with every girl you meet

380
00:21:07,629 --> 00:21:08,823
and your slump's over.

381
00:21:08,930 --> 00:21:11,763
So the message is,
I should treat every woman like a whore?

382
00:21:11,866 --> 00:21:13,925
Come on, dude.
You should be thanking me.

383
00:21:14,035 --> 00:21:15,935
She slapped me and stormed off.

384
00:21:16,037 --> 00:21:18,835
Can you blame her?
You called her a hooker.

385
00:21:20,275 --> 00:21:22,505
I'm sorry, dude. It was funny.

386
00:21:22,710 --> 00:21:24,644
Yeah. Well, it's getting late.

387
00:21:24,746 --> 00:21:26,737
- I should get back to my room.
- Your room?

388
00:21:26,848 --> 00:21:29,908
Yeah, that really expensive hotel room
you put on your credit card,

389
00:21:30,018 --> 00:21:33,249
never checked out.
By the way, you know what's super fun?

390
00:21:33,354 --> 00:21:35,948
Pouring Dom Perignon
down a bathtub drain.

391
00:21:36,057 --> 00:21:39,185
Well, it's almost 3:00.
Got a massage. Toodles!

392
00:21:42,363 --> 00:21:45,332
Come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.