1
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In May of 2009,
I was on the verge of scoring
2
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:06,134
my first big client
as an independent architect.
3
00:00:06,259 --> 00:00:08,341
I was willing to do anything
to make it happen.
4
00:00:08,694 --> 00:00:11,394
Here's what we want, son.
It's real simple.
5
00:00:11,656 --> 00:00:13,801
We're opening a restaurant
called Rib Town
6
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and we want it to be shaped
7
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like a cowboy hat.
8
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Anything.
9
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A cowboy hat?
10
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That's brilliant.
11
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I love it!
12
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I mean, nothing says delicious
like the inside of a cowboy hat, right?
13
00:00:28,551 --> 00:00:30,577
Look, I'm telling you, I'm your guy.
14
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I think I was born
to design this building.
15
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I just...
16
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I see it.
17
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I don't see it. I don't see it.
I don't see it.
18
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What's so good about it?
19
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Up all night?
20
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I told these guys
I have a vision for this thing.
21
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They want to see a pitch
in a week and I got nothing.
22
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- It's cute.
- Cute?
23
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:56,013
I could be designing concert halls
and bridges.
24
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Bridges so beautiful
they could be in museums.
25
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And I could design those museums.
26
00:01:02,069 --> 00:01:05,086
But what am I designing instead?
What has my career come to?
27
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A two-story Stetson
with outdoor dining on the brim.
28
00:01:10,174 --> 00:01:12,140
It's a sick cosmic joke.
29
00:01:12,265 --> 00:01:14,115
The universe
is conspiring against me.
30
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You just need to get out of the house.
Take a walk. Get a bagel.
31
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Yeah, that'll solve everything.
32
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I haven't slept for 34 hours,
but a bagel is the answer.
33
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A cinnamon raisin bagel
with a little cream cheese.
34
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That sounds pretty good,
I'm going to get a bagel.
35
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Bring an umbrella.
It's supposed to rain,
36
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according to Galoshes,
our weather clown.
37
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Your show has a clown
who does the weather?
38
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That's a little cheesy, no?
39
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:42,415
And what's that restaurant
you're designing shaped like, Hoss?
40
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Fine.
You want me out of the house,
41
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I'll get out of the house.
42
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:51,249
Can't wait to see what the universe
has lined up for me out there.
43
00:01:55,698 --> 00:01:58,753
Kids, I've been telling you
the story of how I met your mother.
44
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And while there's many things
to learn from this story,
45
00:02:01,368 --> 00:02:03,068
this may be the biggest.
46
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The great moments of your life
won't necessarily be the things you do.
47
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They'll also be the things
that happen to you.
48
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I'm not saying you can't take action
to affect the outcome of your life.
49
00:02:13,507 --> 00:02:15,957
You have to take action,
and you will.
50
00:02:16,935 --> 00:02:19,097
But never forget that, on any day,
51
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you could step out the front door
and your whole life can change forever.
52
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You see,
the universe has a plan, kids,
53
00:02:26,032 --> 00:02:27,980
and that plan is always in motion.
54
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A butterfly flaps its wings...
55
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and it starts to rain.
56
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It's a scary thought.
But it's also kind of wonderful.
57
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All these little parts of the machine
constantly working,
58
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making sure that you end up
exactly where you're supposed to be,
59
00:02:43,481 --> 00:02:45,652
exactly when you're supposed
to be there.
60
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The right place...
at the right time.
61
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Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow
62
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Kids, it's a miracle
that I ended up on that street corner.
63
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Especially when you consider how easy
it would have been not to end up there.
64
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I mean, when I first
stepped out of the apartment,
65
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I almost went right instead of left.
66
00:03:16,917 --> 00:03:18,177
Why didn't I go right?
67
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To answer that,
we have to go back a few days.
68
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As you know, back then,
your Aunt Robin hosted a morning show.
69
00:03:24,111 --> 00:03:27,199
Now Eunice here
makes all of these purses herself.
70
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They're hand embroidered
with the world's finest silk.
71
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And each one takes months to make.
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I cannot emphasize
how much work goes into...
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Go to weather, you idiot.
74
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Hey, everybody.
75
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,810
We got a high pressure system
coming in from the west and...
76
00:03:50,527 --> 00:03:53,788
On the plus side,
I bought the cutest purse today.
77
00:03:54,453 --> 00:03:56,151
So, wait, why did you throw up?
78
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,154
- You don't want to know.
- Come on. Tell me.
79
00:04:00,582 --> 00:04:01,574
I'm pregnant.
80
00:04:02,166 --> 00:04:04,991
I will raise this child with you.
You are not alone in this.
81
00:04:05,116 --> 00:04:07,911
We can even get married if you want,
but I still want to see other girls,
82
00:04:08,036 --> 00:04:10,490
- it would've to be one of those kind...
- God, stop it.
83
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I'm not pregnant.
It's food poisoning.
84
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,748
I ate something from this place,
85
00:04:16,873 --> 00:04:20,509
and three hours later,
I was spewing like an open hydrant.
86
00:04:20,775 --> 00:04:24,096
- God. From where?
- Well, that's a gross question.
87
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,890
No, where was the food from?
88
00:04:27,792 --> 00:04:29,351
- I don't want to tell you.
- What?
89
00:04:29,927 --> 00:04:32,547
Go to YouTube. Put in
"Robin Scherbatsky morning show vomit"
90
00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:34,064
Robin, home so soon.
91
00:04:34,959 --> 00:04:36,734
Someone already put it on YouTube?
92
00:04:37,196 --> 00:04:38,756
Yeah... Someone.
93
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:43,032
So...
Why you been throwing up? You pregnant?
94
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,034
Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant.
95
00:04:49,784 --> 00:04:52,124
So, wait, why won't you tell me
where you got food poisoning?
96
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,377
You love this place.
If I tell you, it'll just ruin it.
97
00:04:57,156 --> 00:04:58,935
- That makes sense.
- Yeah.
98
00:04:59,060 --> 00:05:00,310
Don't tell me.
99
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:03,385
Is it that Indian place where the cat
jumps on all the tables?
100
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:04,516
I'm not saying.
101
00:05:04,641 --> 00:05:07,743
- That Spanish place with baby's crib?
- I'm not saying.
102
00:05:08,704 --> 00:05:09,558
God, no.
103
00:05:12,071 --> 00:05:14,396
Is it this place?
Tell me, damn you!
104
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,764
- You really want to know?
- Yes!
105
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It's Schlegel's Bagels.
106
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Why did you tell me that?
107
00:05:21,705 --> 00:05:24,484
Schlegel's?
Thanks a lot, Robin.
108
00:05:24,963 --> 00:05:27,124
Now I'm gonna have to try to find
another place in NY
109
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that serves bagels.
110
00:05:30,914 --> 00:05:33,703
So, you see, kids, if I had gone
to Schlegel's Bagels as usual,
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00:05:33,828 --> 00:05:35,459
I would have taken a right.
112
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I would have gotten a bagel...
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gone home,
worked on the old hat building,
114
00:05:40,711 --> 00:05:42,841
and you kids
might never have been born.
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00:05:43,378 --> 00:05:47,228
But I turned left instead, to go
to my second-favorite bagel place
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and the rest is history.
117
00:05:49,660 --> 00:05:52,659
Of course, I stopped
at that magazine stand on the way.
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Why did I stop there?
Here's why.
119
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Bro's Life magazine.
120
00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:05,640
Page 83.
Check it.
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00:06:07,292 --> 00:06:09,988
"What your paintball gun says
about your personality"?
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Below that.
123
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"That last five pounds:
How to get her to lose them."
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Above that.
125
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Petra Petrova.
126
00:06:20,061 --> 00:06:23,757
Bro's Life magazine's
girl of the year for may.
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00:06:24,129 --> 00:06:27,024
A delicate flower in stiletto pumps
and leopard panties,
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00:06:27,149 --> 00:06:28,470
straddling an ATV.
129
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:31,640
These magazines are so lame. I mean,
she's probably airbrushed and enhanced.
130
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:34,878
- I have a date with her.
- You are my hero! Are you serious?
131
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- How do you have a date with her?
- Not part of the story.
132
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Ted, I have been waiting
a long time to say this.
133
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This girl is the one.
134
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Of course she's the one.
You have to marry those.
135
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Her.
136
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Marry?
137
00:06:51,421 --> 00:06:54,747
I have something much,
much more special in mind.
138
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Petra here, if all goes well,
139
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will be my...
wait for it, two hundredth.
140
00:07:00,092 --> 00:07:01,837
Sorry, I couldn't wait.
It's all exciting.
141
00:07:02,176 --> 00:07:05,007
Your two hundredth,
as in "sex with"?
142
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:06,695
As in "sex with."
143
00:07:06,820 --> 00:07:09,595
I request the highest of fives.
144
00:07:10,101 --> 00:07:12,473
Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit.
145
00:07:13,502 --> 00:07:14,988
200 is too many.
146
00:07:15,673 --> 00:07:19,655
Right, 'cause there can be
too many of something wonderful.
147
00:07:19,780 --> 00:07:22,775
"Babe Ruth, easy, big fella.
Let's not hit too many homers."
148
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,889
"Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make
three Police Academy movies.
149
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,655
"America's laughed enough."
150
00:07:28,892 --> 00:07:30,199
Who are these girls?
151
00:07:30,630 --> 00:07:32,576
That was rhetorical.
Don't show me the list.
152
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,829
199 satisfied customers.
153
00:07:36,097 --> 00:07:38,332
Anyway, the big night is Thursday.
154
00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:41,376
I'm having a celebratory soirée
beforehand at MacLaren's.
155
00:07:42,082 --> 00:07:45,111
Prepare a toast.
Black tie optional, but preferred.
156
00:07:45,236 --> 00:07:48,570
Gifts are, look, I would say
unnecessary, but follow your heart.
157
00:07:49,054 --> 00:07:50,219
200's too many.
158
00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:52,221
- It's not too many.
- It's too many!
159
00:07:52,464 --> 00:07:54,515
- It's not too many.
- Thank you.
160
00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:55,927
No, don't get me wrong.
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You're disgusting, and the cops should
probably clamp a boot on your genitals,
162
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,004
but that number should be higher.
163
00:08:02,129 --> 00:08:05,023
After Barney told me about all this,
I crunched the numbers and,
164
00:08:05,148 --> 00:08:06,148
well...
165
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,736
I had some charts made up.
166
00:08:09,743 --> 00:08:12,241
Barney here
hits on roughly 20 girls a week.
167
00:08:12,728 --> 00:08:16,478
It's way more than 20.
And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.
168
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:19,702
Let's say 20.
So, 20 girls a week means
169
00:08:19,827 --> 00:08:22,334
1,040 girls a year.
170
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,177
In Barney's 16 years
of sexual activity,
171
00:08:25,302 --> 00:08:29,299
that means he's hit on 16,640 girls.
172
00:08:29,669 --> 00:08:32,346
Now, if he's bedded 199 of them,
173
00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,371
that is a success rate of...
174
00:08:36,123 --> 00:08:39,434
a little over one percent.
175
00:08:40,156 --> 00:08:42,271
That's a batting average of 12,
176
00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:45,780
eight times worse than
the career batting average of...
177
00:08:46,137 --> 00:08:48,315
one-handed pitcher, that's right,
178
00:08:48,845 --> 00:08:50,609
pitcher... Jim Abbott.
179
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:54,283
Jealous.
180
00:08:54,815 --> 00:08:55,576
Jealous.
181
00:08:56,067 --> 00:08:56,952
Hero.
182
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,493
Suspiciously quiet
during this conversation
183
00:08:59,618 --> 00:09:02,249
about number of sex partners. Hero.
184
00:09:02,602 --> 00:09:05,460
It's the grand total.
That's the only number that matters.
185
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:07,678
- Says who?
- Matthew Panning,
186
00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:10,924
the stud of Port Richmond
Middle School.
187
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,515
Stinson, you're such a dweeb-o.
188
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,429
I bet you never
even done it with a girl.
189
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:16,997
Neither have you.
190
00:09:17,122 --> 00:09:19,368
How many times do I have
to explain this?
191
00:09:19,493 --> 00:09:20,979
I've done it with 100 girls.
192
00:09:21,104 --> 00:09:23,604
They're seventh graders
at my cousin's school on Long Island.
193
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:27,316
Well, you know what, Matthew?
Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200.
194
00:09:29,180 --> 00:09:31,111
Yeah.
Call me when that happens.
195
00:09:32,782 --> 00:09:34,860
And call him I will.
196
00:09:35,932 --> 00:09:38,243
I think he's gonna say it again
really slow.
197
00:09:38,956 --> 00:09:40,458
Call him...
198
00:09:41,610 --> 00:09:42,728
I will.
199
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,299
You listed Gaby Allan twice,
as 78 and 162.
200
00:09:48,424 --> 00:09:50,246
What? Let me see.
201
00:09:50,371 --> 00:09:51,421
Seventy...
202
00:09:51,742 --> 00:09:53,261
Once. Oh, my God.
203
00:09:54,329 --> 00:09:56,507
Wait a...
I counted the same girl twice?
204
00:09:56,632 --> 00:09:58,931
That means I'm only at one 198?
205
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:02,886
That only means that you're half
a percent less gross than we thought.
206
00:10:03,362 --> 00:10:06,189
I'm seducing
a Czech supermodel in two hours.
207
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,605
I can't squander that on 199.
208
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,748
Petra has to be 200.
209
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,448
What are you gonna do? It's not
like you're gonna find someone new
210
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,760
to have sex with
in the next two hours.
211
00:10:18,082 --> 00:10:20,223
Hi, millionaire astronaut.
Want to come back to my place
212
00:10:20,348 --> 00:10:21,966
- and see some moon shells?
- Go away.
213
00:10:22,091 --> 00:10:25,200
I just got back from my wife's grave.
Put her in the ground a year ago today.
214
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,208
Man, I miss her.
I sure could use some comfort.
215
00:10:27,422 --> 00:10:28,543
You're creepy.
216
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,425
Man, aren't you sick of all the games?
I just want to settle down
217
00:10:31,550 --> 00:10:33,736
and have a gaggle
of rug rats, like, right now.
218
00:10:33,861 --> 00:10:36,466
I have Mace, and I enjoy using it.
219
00:10:40,488 --> 00:10:43,615
Knowing how important this is to me,
do you think Lily would even consider...
220
00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:46,103
- By the way, I would do all the work...
- I will end your life.
221
00:10:46,272 --> 00:10:47,072
Right.
222
00:10:52,802 --> 00:10:54,861
Where'd Barney go?
It's been over an hour.
223
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,240
You know,
looking over the names on this list,
224
00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:59,868
I'm not sensing a lot
of ethnic diversity.
225
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,952
He should really look
at that in himself.
226
00:11:05,308 --> 00:11:06,373
All done.
227
00:11:06,745 --> 00:11:08,995
199 down, one more to go.
228
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,740
You done with your drink?
229
00:11:13,228 --> 00:11:14,599
There's the stuff.
230
00:11:16,497 --> 00:11:18,248
What the hell happened to you?
231
00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:20,755
So, there's this girl at my gym...
232
00:11:21,026 --> 00:11:23,473
Pauline... she's been
after me for some time.
233
00:11:23,686 --> 00:11:26,643
- Why'd you wait until now?
- She's not exactly my type.
234
00:11:27,214 --> 00:11:29,062
Looking good, Pauline.
235
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,498
You are gonna rip it up
236
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:33,831
at the Women's Pumping Iron
Classic in Sarasota this fall.
237
00:11:39,395 --> 00:11:41,968
I was thinking about you and me
238
00:11:43,389 --> 00:11:45,914
and if you're still interested...
239
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:50,334
- Okay, blondie, time for Mama's cardio!
- Geez! Mommy!
240
00:11:51,053 --> 00:11:52,130
Every inch of her
241
00:11:52,255 --> 00:11:54,426
tasted like roast beef and creatine.
242
00:11:56,842 --> 00:11:57,992
But I did it.
243
00:11:58,194 --> 00:12:01,443
I did it and I still have 30 minutes
before I'm supposed to meet Petra.
244
00:12:01,568 --> 00:12:03,423
Robin, do you have
any concealer handy?
245
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:06,099
I'd really like to cover up
some bruises and razor burn.
246
00:12:08,907 --> 00:12:11,646
- I hate to break this to you, but...
- What?
247
00:12:12,073 --> 00:12:15,073
Well, you did count
Gaby Allan twice,
248
00:12:15,198 --> 00:12:19,185
but... you also went
from 138 to 138.
249
00:12:19,310 --> 00:12:20,697
You used the same number twice.
250
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,618
Wait, so, that means...
251
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,862
Pauline wasn't 199, Pauline was 200?
252
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:27,579
Congratulations!
253
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:30,903
No... That was supposed to be Petra!
254
00:12:31,028 --> 00:12:32,807
Petra was supposed to be 200!
255
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:36,454
Gorgeous, feminine, "Doesn't wear
a weight belt in bed," Petra!
256
00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:39,277
Hey, come on.
You made it to 200.
257
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:40,953
You should be proud.
258
00:12:41,205 --> 00:12:43,887
You should be tested,
but you should be proud.
259
00:12:44,391 --> 00:12:47,349
Who cares if Pauline doesn't
pose for bikini pictures in magazines?
260
00:12:47,766 --> 00:12:48,895
Actually, she does.
261
00:12:49,020 --> 00:12:51,853
She's gonna be in next week's
issue of Muscle Sexxy.
262
00:12:52,020 --> 00:12:54,268
And like many of the ladies
in that magazine,
263
00:12:54,393 --> 00:12:56,676
Sexxy has two X's and one Y.
264
00:12:59,459 --> 00:13:01,210
And so, on my way to get a bagel,
265
00:13:01,335 --> 00:13:03,335
I stopped at a newsstand
for a full minute
266
00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:05,721
to check out a picture
of Barney's 200th.
267
00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:08,662
If I hadn't done that,
268
00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:10,747
I would've walked right
by the newsstand,
269
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,874
cut down 77th and gotten to
that corner a minute early.
270
00:13:14,149 --> 00:13:16,632
I would've gotten the bagel,
done some work,
271
00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:19,131
and you kids might
never have been born.
272
00:13:19,463 --> 00:13:21,136
Now, why did I cut down 77th,
273
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,075
and give a dollar to the homeless guy?
Here's why.
274
00:13:24,215 --> 00:13:27,013
Back when Marshall first started working
at Goliath National Bank...
275
00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:32,276
Fran, I don't mean to bother you
but I have a big presentation tomorrow
276
00:13:32,401 --> 00:13:35,954
and it would really help if I could get
like some charts and graphs made up.
277
00:13:36,091 --> 00:13:39,042
- Could you help me with that?
- This is the graphics department.
278
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:41,822
We can make as many graphs,
as many charts in as many colors
279
00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:43,811
on as many kinds
of paper as you want.
280
00:13:50,844 --> 00:13:52,694
We are gonna have some fun.
281
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:56,501
I've ranked the Presidents
in order of how dirty their names sound.
282
00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:58,605
One: Johnson.
283
00:13:58,954 --> 00:14:00,505
Two: Bush.
284
00:14:00,895 --> 00:14:02,536
Three: Harding.
285
00:14:02,661 --> 00:14:04,259
Four: Polk.
286
00:14:05,756 --> 00:14:09,514
This circle represents
"People Who Are Breaking My Heart..."
287
00:14:10,171 --> 00:14:12,286
and this circle represents
288
00:14:12,411 --> 00:14:15,280
"People Who Are Shaking
My Confidence Daily."
289
00:14:15,913 --> 00:14:17,448
And where they overlap:
290
00:14:18,597 --> 00:14:19,597
Cecilia.
291
00:14:22,225 --> 00:14:25,405
This is a pie chart
describing my favorite bars.
292
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:31,905
And this is a bar graph
describing my favorite pies.
293
00:14:39,230 --> 00:14:40,295
What's going on?
294
00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:41,733
Enough with the charts.
295
00:14:41,858 --> 00:14:43,108
And the graphs.
296
00:14:43,484 --> 00:14:46,384
Really any visual
representation of data.
297
00:14:47,856 --> 00:14:49,171
I'm not an idiot.
298
00:14:51,044 --> 00:14:54,086
I know how you guys feel
about my charts and my graphs.
299
00:14:54,609 --> 00:14:57,297
As a matter of fact, I've made a chart
of your reaction to my charts.
300
00:14:57,422 --> 00:14:59,968
Let's take a look.
Yes, it is true,
301
00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:02,372
since Cecelia,
your interest in my charts
302
00:15:02,497 --> 00:15:04,047
has been steadily dropping.
303
00:15:04,172 --> 00:15:06,154
But based on recent trends,
304
00:15:06,279 --> 00:15:07,674
I have also made...
305
00:15:08,528 --> 00:15:10,242
A projection chart!
306
00:15:10,411 --> 00:15:12,990
And look...
huge spike in interest coming!
307
00:15:13,115 --> 00:15:15,463
And this isn't just
some dead cat bounce.
308
00:15:15,588 --> 00:15:18,959
This is big sustainable growth
over the long term.
309
00:15:19,128 --> 00:15:21,001
You're a big sustainable growth.
310
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,870
So, I have prepared a few charts
311
00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:30,902
to demonstrate how setting up
a shell corporation in Bermuda
312
00:15:31,027 --> 00:15:33,223
could help minimize
our second quarter losses.
313
00:15:34,704 --> 00:15:36,142
And save you all some jail time.
314
00:15:37,947 --> 00:15:39,358
To begin with...
315
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:46,427
Could you just please excuse me?
316
00:15:51,561 --> 00:15:54,119
- Mosbius Designs.
- What the hell happened to my charts?
317
00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:56,120
- We threw them away.
- What?
318
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:57,987
That's how an intervention works.
319
00:15:58,112 --> 00:16:00,750
You wouldn't stop using,
so, we flushed your stash.
320
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:02,061
Come on, Ted!
321
00:16:02,186 --> 00:16:03,439
I need my charts, man!
322
00:16:03,564 --> 00:16:06,311
Just for today and then I promise
I will never ever use charts again.
323
00:16:06,436 --> 00:16:09,050
I'm under at lot of pressure here.
I need my charts, Jack!
324
00:16:09,506 --> 00:16:11,761
My God, you're doing charts at work?
325
00:16:12,127 --> 00:16:15,093
They're for work, you idiot!
I'm giving a big presentation right now
326
00:16:15,218 --> 00:16:17,267
and if I don't have
those charts I'm gonna get fired!
327
00:16:18,234 --> 00:16:19,234
Crap.
328
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:21,438
Stay right there.
I'll bring them to you.
329
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:24,104
Hurry up! I'll try to think
of a way to stall them.
330
00:16:27,297 --> 00:16:29,492
I'm sorry but there's been
a little delay with the charts.
331
00:16:29,617 --> 00:16:32,625
But we will get started
in just a minute.
332
00:16:39,070 --> 00:16:40,540
Fish are weird, right?
333
00:16:41,448 --> 00:16:43,548
I mean what's up with fish?
334
00:16:49,648 --> 00:16:51,551
Charts! Get your charts here!
335
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,058
Excuse me, Milt?
I think those are my charts.
336
00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,901
These charts?
On my blanket?
337
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,014
That's also my blanket.
We'll get to that later.
338
00:17:04,139 --> 00:17:07,327
- But I really need these charts.
- Good, 'cause they're for sale.
339
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,069
Fine, how much?
340
00:17:10,559 --> 00:17:11,655
One million dollars.
341
00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:14,991
- I'll give you five bucks.
- A million dollars.
342
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,161
No one's gonna pay
a million dollars for these charts!
343
00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:20,789
One million dollars.
344
00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:22,458
Okay, Milt, you win.
345
00:17:23,905 --> 00:17:25,835
I'm gonna give you
one million dollars.
346
00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:27,995
Urinating...
347
00:17:28,497 --> 00:17:30,173
The problem is, the ATM...
348
00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:31,841
The alien time machine.
349
00:17:32,206 --> 00:17:35,644
The alien time machine
has a withdrawal limit.
350
00:17:35,769 --> 00:17:38,792
So, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you one dollar
351
00:17:39,005 --> 00:17:40,005
a day
352
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,163
for a million days.
353
00:17:43,610 --> 00:17:44,610
That's...
354
00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:47,065
That's 2700 years.
355
00:17:48,450 --> 00:17:49,317
Deal!
356
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,655
Sucker.
357
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,733
I'm sorry, is there a land bass
I don't know about?
358
00:18:01,794 --> 00:18:02,820
Let's get started.
359
00:18:02,945 --> 00:18:05,542
And so, if I hadn't bought
those charts back for Marshall,
360
00:18:05,711 --> 00:18:07,320
I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th
361
00:18:07,445 --> 00:18:08,948
to give Milt his daily dollar
362
00:18:09,073 --> 00:18:11,056
and well, you know the rest.
363
00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:14,156
So, there you have it, kids.
There's a lot of little reasons
364
00:18:14,281 --> 00:18:16,323
why the big things
in our lives happen.
365
00:18:16,448 --> 00:18:19,077
If I had known then where
all those little things were leading me,
366
00:18:19,202 --> 00:18:21,329
and how grateful
I'd be to get there,
367
00:18:21,454 --> 00:18:24,069
well, I probably
would've done something
368
00:18:24,705 --> 00:18:25,705
like this.
369
00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:08,646
Because somehow, I ended up
in the right place at the right time.
370
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,498
And, as a result,
371
00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:12,901
my life would never be the same.
372
00:19:28,425 --> 00:19:31,320
The next day, Uncle Barney
finally confronted Matthew Panning,
373
00:19:31,445 --> 00:19:33,437
the stud of Port Richmond
Middle School.
374
00:19:33,562 --> 00:19:36,361
So, Barney, great to hear
from you after all this time.
375
00:19:36,486 --> 00:19:39,594
- What's been going on?
- I've had sex with 200 women.
376
00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:43,250
God!
377
00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:44,687
That's way too many.
378
00:19:44,812 --> 00:19:46,601
I mean, that's just gross.
379
00:19:46,993 --> 00:19:48,844
Have you sought counseling
for sex addiction?
380
00:19:48,969 --> 00:19:50,563
Because you're a prime candidate.
381
00:19:50,753 --> 00:19:53,023
Have you sought counseling
for I win you lose?
382
00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:55,484
Yeah, suddenly those 100 girls
383
00:19:55,609 --> 00:19:58,446
you nailed in the seventh grade
aren't so impressive.
384
00:19:58,753 --> 00:19:59,753
100 girls?
385
00:20:00,191 --> 00:20:02,617
Is that what this is about?
Barney, I lied.
386
00:20:03,192 --> 00:20:04,318
Sure you did.
387
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,685
I was 12... of course I was lying.
388
00:20:07,187 --> 00:20:08,915
I didn't have a pet Ewok either.
389
00:20:09,256 --> 00:20:10,291
Sure you didn't.
390
00:20:11,194 --> 00:20:13,918
Your whole adult life
has been built around...
391
00:20:14,043 --> 00:20:16,673
something I lied about
when I was 12?
392
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:18,383
Jealous?
393
00:20:18,912 --> 00:20:21,344
Look, I gotta go pick
my kids up at school.
394
00:20:21,758 --> 00:20:24,091
It sounds like you got
a lot of problems.
395
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,886
Good luck, I guess.
396
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:29,312
I'm awesome.
397
00:20:32,354 --> 00:20:33,453
200.
398
00:20:35,203 --> 00:20:36,213
Now what?
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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