What's the matter? What's the matter with you lately?
Oh, your love is never good enough
Oh, your love is lost on me
Rest of the place is clear.
Yeah. Uh, no ID on this one. Um...
And no clue who is painted on the walls.
Whatever happened, looks like we missed it.
Yeah. Great.
Wait a second.
What the hell?
Never good enough
Hey, Christopher Nolan.
- Yeah. - Lens cap.
Oh, crap. Yeah.
Strong work, genius.
I have no idea what to make this movie about.
I'm, like... I'm AV Club president. So, you know, it's gotta be good.
Here. Give me that.
- I'll tell you what your movie's about. - Okay.
- In a world where nothing is what it seems... - Ha-ha-ha.
...one brave, shockingly handsome...
...virile young man, and his faithful, learning-disabled...
- Oh, no. - ...robotic manservant...
...must battle through waves of cybernetic asshats...
- ...to sexually liberate the women of... Heh, heh. - Okay, give me that. Give me that.
Oh, please. I bet at least one of these girls would let you partake...
...in awkward guy experimental phase.
What? These girls?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Hashtag: Fails.
Home schooled.
Secretly in love with her roommate.
Listens to country music.
Oh, dude. Dude, 12 o'clock.
- Yeah. - Wait, is she...? Crap.
- Dude, here, take it. - I'm not gonna take it.
- Were you just filming me? - No. I wouldn't do that.
Does that have the new firmware?
Uh, yes. Yes, it does.
How does it handle?
You tell me.
Oh, well, your settings are way off.
I like the way the colors... You probably don't care about that.
So you weren't checking me out?
Well, I do have a thing for beautiful women who respect their privacy.
Dick move on my part. I'm sorry.
Don't be.
I have a thing for guys with cool cameras.
No, no, no. Look, it's a great movie.
But of the two, I prefer Last Year at Marienbad, you know?
Yeah. It's a classic.
- How do you like that lens? - It's good. Yeah, yeah.
- It's lighter for sure. - That's good.
You know, Michael knows nothing about cameras, right?
Yeah. But I'm teaching him.
- Teaching who? - Oh, my boyfriend.
- He's big, tall and handsome. - Mm.
- Sounds delish. - You should totally meet him.
- Yeah? - Mm-hm.
Let's see. Five years from now?
Hopefully passed the bar exam. Practicing law.
Nothing corporate.
Something, uh...
- Something green, you know? - Green is good.
- Hippie. Ha-ha-ha. - Shut up.
Oh, jeez. Uh...
Maybe, like, working for HBO.
Or, like, Michael Moore.
- That'd be cool. - Double hippie.
Whatever.
I will be on a boat in the middle of the ocean.
- My beautiful girl by my side. - Aw...
- Sap. - And you can come too.
Nice. See what you just did there? Ha-ha-ha.
Display of that, let's make sure we put our hand up first next time.
All right, let's get our pens and pencils out.
It's time for notes.
So let's turn our attention to our cruelly nicknamed friend, Piggy.
He uses his glasses to create fire, sundial.
He's also rational. He inhabits rational thought.
On the island.
What'd I miss?
Just another perfect lecture from Professor Ludensky.
Yeah.
- You know Simon was a Christ figure? - Yeah.
No. Please tell me you taped it?
Come on. Who loves you?
- Aw, I wish I could quit you. Ha-ha-ha. - Yeah, right. Yeah.
- Hey. - Watch it, asshat.
What'd you call me?
Come on, let's move.
I wanna see it.
Oh, man.
Hey. Can you shoot some of this for my movie?
- Is that legal? - Who cares?
- Yeah, that's not good. - Someone got murdered on campus?
You guys live two blocks from here.
Look, look, look. Starsky and Hutch.
- Ha, ha. Rizzoli and Isles. - Ha-ha-ha.
- Special Agent Rose, Hudson. - What the hell are you guys doing here?
Our jobs. Mind telling us what's going on?
Whatever you say. Got a call from a woman that lives upstairs.
Said she heard an attack, came down, found her neighbor here.
Jacob Carter.
- Who'd he say? - Uh, Jacob Carter? I don't know.
- Well, is the witness still home? - Sure is.
But she's not the most reliable type.
Said she heard some kind of growl, like there was a coyote down here.
Awesome.
So the FBI is here, your neighbor got murdered...
- ...but you're totally cool. - No.
It's not that I'm cool, it's just that, like...
I mean, then it's good the FBI are here, right?
That is so annoyingly logical.
Hey, baby. Listen.
Oh, your love is lost
Oh, it's pretty. What is it?
It's the song that was playing when we first met.
Oh, you are so disgustingly sweet.
You ready?
- Yeah. - Cool.
- I gotta go. - What?
You just foam the runway with our song and then you gotta head out the door?
I promised I'd help him test the new cameras.
Don't give me that crap.
I know you two are gonna go shoot out scenes for Jackass.
Come on, we both know he has nobody else to do this with.
Rain check.
Whatever, you're dead to me.
- Do something cool. - Dude, this tree is awesome.
Maybe I can get upside down on it.
- No, no, I said cool. This is stupid. - Ha, ha.
Can you get...? Can you see me? Gonna try and get up.
This is cool.
- Because it feels pretty cool. - It's like Dumb and Dumber Three.
- Ha-ha-ha. Okay. - BRIAN Dude.
- What? - Dude, turn around.
- What? - Turn. It's those FBI guys.
- What? - Help me down this tree.
Thank you guys very much for your help.
You're free to go.
- All right. There is not a case here. - There is a case here. You're rusty.
We just gotta dig a little deeper. Come on.
Dude. It's so crazy.
Is it me or are you getting a workplace romance vibe from those two?
- Let's go. - Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey. Come here, come here. Look, look, look.
What?
Oh, no.
Yes.
D-bags mating in the wild.
- Okay, go, go, go. - Yeah.
Stop.
- Stop. - Hey.
- Oh, ha, ha. Strike three. - Come on.
- You're a dick. - What's your problem?
This is gonna look great on YouTube.
- Oh, crap. - Oh, crap.
Hey! What the hell?
- Oh, crap. - Oh, my God.
Hey, Brian! Brian!
Meet me at Scott's mother's house! Oh, God.
Oh, come on, I paid her fair and square, man!
Heh, heh. Thanks for a great night out, Bri.
Hello?
Scott? Cut it out, man!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Hey, Michael. You can come out now, dude.
Scott looked for us for a while but bailed.
Mike?
Dude.
Oh, my God. Dude.
Michael.
- Are you okay, man? - I'm okay.
What happened? - I don't know.
I don't know.
Oh, God.
Kate!
Oh, my God. Baby!
- Baby. Baby. - Something bit Michael.
Baby.
- Okay. - Oh, my God.
What is it? Is it bad?
Brian. Kate!
- Is it bad? - The bite.
The bite's gone.
- It's gone. - 911, what's your emergency?
- Did you just punk me? - Who's there?
What? It's completely gone.
Baby. Shh. It's okay.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, it's okay.
It's okay. Baby.
Hey, the doctor said he's gonna be fine.
You heard him.
Literally not a scratch on the kid.
If anything happens to Michael, I don't know what I would do.
Shh. It's okay.
What?
Uh... - Did you just pull that off?
Whoa. Whoa.
Okay. Okay, okay.
Now one-handed.
Ha-ha-ha. - Oh-ho-ho!
- Baby, baby. Baby, stay still, stay still. - Oh, my God.
Whoa.
Maybe you got bit by an alien.
That would explain the FBI.
Or maybe a mutant bit you.
Am I a superhero now?
What are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
I finally found my movie.
What?
Michael?
Michael's not your movie.
We don't even know what happened to him.
Exactly.
I'm gonna get Michael's origin story on camera.
You're kind of creeping me out, man. Seriously.
Nothing super heroic to see here. Just a delicious bagel.
Hey, man, I have this idea.
It's gonna sound really weird, but don't laugh, okay?
No promises.
I, um...
I really wanna be able to do what you do.
So I think maybe we could go back out there, get that thing to bite me...
- ...and then we can both be superheroes. - Stop. What, are you serious?
- You can't keep this to yourself. - Keep what to myself?
We don't even know what this thing is. Why the hell would you want it?
Michael, I don't wanna be Piggy anymore, man.
No, you're not a pig, man.
Brian, listen to me, there's nothing wrong with you.
You just gotta figure out what it is you want and go after it.
I'm telling you, you don't want this.
Because I don't wanna be super strong...
...or have a prayer of getting any ass this year or...
Please. Please.
No, man.
No.
- Not it. - Not it.
Children.
Dudes. Dudes. Dudes.
It's the FBI.
- What? - It's the FBI. Move.
Baby, what are you doing? Jesus.
- Hi there. - Hi.
Special Agents Rose and Hudson.
We wanted to ask a few questions about the murder a few blocks from here.
First off, did you know the victim Jacob Carter?
Um, not really, no.
Do you remember anything unusual about that night?
- Not that I recall. - Right.
Well, heard about anyone in the neighborhood getting, uh, you know, bit?
- Humor me. - I don't think so.
Well, no worries. How about this?
If you hear anything strange, call us.
No matter how late.
Thanks.
Thank you.
- Great. - So, what do you think?
Based on what we got so far, we could be dealing with another Mayan god.
Ah, that's fantastic. Because the other one was such a joy.
- Campus dormitories? - Yeah.
The FBI are looking for what bit you.
Are you an X-File?
No. Not an X-File.
Listen.
So far, we could be dealing with another Mayan god.
I'm a golden god.
I am a golden god!
- Hoo! - Ha, ha. Whoo!
You guys are ridiculous.
I am a golden god.
I am a god.
Huh?
What's up, BVC?
It's Scotty P., patrolling with the Oak Hill crew.
Doug, Evan, Tucker.
See, some animal killed a local citizen...
...so we're out here tonight making sure these streets are safe...
...for all you fine honeys out there.
- All right. Let's fan out, boys. - All right. Let's go.
Yo!
Back off, douchewheel. Not tonight.
Ooh. Aw, ooh. I'm so scared.
Listen.
What...? What the...?
Got you now, you piece of...
Why don't you come take your beating like a man?
If you won't come out and play, I'll go visit that little piece of yours.
Kate?
Yeah, I'll go visit Katie, show her what a real man...
Michael?
Dude, do you think this is funny?
Come on! Cut it out.
Can I ask you something about him?
With everything that's happened, are you afraid of him?
At first? Yeah.
I mean, it was pretty scary.
But then, to be totally honest...
...it's actually been pretty hot.
O-M-G...
Baby, just...
- Can you tell us what happened? - I ran into Scott...
...he chased me and I think I killed him.
- What? - Turn it off.
What...? - Off!
He started talking about you and I saw red.
The next thing I remember, I was running home.
On the video...
...what were those things on your hands? Claws?
- Did anybody see you? - Kate. You're not trying to justify...
We don't know what happened, Brian.
What, he can't defend himself? Give me that thing.
- Hey. Whoa. - Figured I'd see you guys again.
Well, if you did your job right, we wouldn't be here.
- Easy. So, what do you got? - Vic's name was Scott Parker.
The same thing that killed the Carter kid got Mr. Parker here.
The same thing?
Look, I'm only the local yokel, but this kid was shredded by an animal.
Where's his heart?
Patrolman found it up the way there. Eaten, mostly.
Show us.
Brian, wait.
Did you eat a human heart? Did you?
What are you talking about? What is he talking about?
Scott's dead. He was shredded and his heart's gone.
- Doesn't mean that... - What do you think happened?
- Where's his heart? - I don't remember.
- Don't lie to me. - Hey. Brian, calm down.
Look, I mean, there's gotta be an explanation for this.
Really?
- It was self-defense. - Eating a hear': is self-defense?
- You trying to convince me or yourself? - You need to back off.
Why? You gonna eat my heart too?
Michael!
I don't know what's happening to me.
I don't know who I am anymore.
You're Michael Wheeler.
And you're mine, okay?
You hear me?
- We have to call the police. - Brian.
Kate, how can you?
You have to see what's really going on here.
Whatever he is, it's not good. It's not good for you.
- Michael didn't mean to hurt you. - He did.
What? You just don't get it, do you?
- What? What don't I understand? - You've never been in love.
What we need are answers.
I can't hear them.
- Seriously, Kate. What are we doing? - What are we doing? Seriously?
Wait. Kate, don't.
Let's see. Cut marks on both vics are clean...
...but have the curvature of animal claws.
I don't know. I mean, maybe there's a wild animal on the loose.
The biggest animal in the county is a raccoon.
- Thank you for your time. Appreciate it. - Yeah.
- No. No. - Hey. Hey.
So what'd I miss? Anything?
Not unless you wanna put an APB out on Rocky Raccoon.
Great. The local police files are not online.
I had to dig through the county records.
Ten years ago, there was a similar unsolved murder.
- Check it out. - Death by claws and lack of heart?
- So we're talking a... - No. Not that time of the month.
- Awesome. - Yeah.
Time to hit the books.
And feed the monster.
They know something. We gotta follow them.
Michael. Come on. Michael.
Jeez.
How'd you find us?
GPS in your phones. Duh.
You know, you're starting to creep me out, man.
The feeling is mutual, dude.
What else can you hack into, Brian?
Anything-
Test. Test. Can you hear me?
Copy that.
Yeah, the feed is looping to my laptop right now.
Head in, make sure you're within spitting distance, we should be in business.
Um, and don't get arrested.
- I'll do it. - Sure?
Yeah. Give me the bag.
We good?
Uh, a little left.
How's that?
Shh.
Awesome. Thank you.
Thanks.
Dude. Two burgers?
Hey. I didn't eat at Big P's for like a year.
Okay?
Clear eyes and clogged arteries, can't lose.
Hey, check this out.
"Werewolves that are turned up to four generations from pure blood..."
You think he means Alpha?
"... Are less feral and can transform before, during and after the lunar cycle."
Boom.
Let me see. Pure bloods don't black out during their transformation.
They can control themselves.
Some have been able to subsist off of animal hearts.
So what? We're hunting a werewolf with a pedigree?
Awesome. Let's hope he has his papers.
Yeah. And that silver can kill him.
Best in Show comes here 10 years ago, ganked some woman.
Dust settles, everything's in the clear, he just sets up shop?
Yeah. Comes for the human hearts, stays for the co-eds.
Right. And then everything's wine and roses...
...and animal tickers, until it gets the hankering for human again.
Told you there was a case here. Now we just gotta find it and kill it.
I'm a werewolf. A werewolf.
- You need to calm down. - Calm down? I'm a werewolf.
- Get him out of here. - FBI wants to kill me.
Shut up! Everybody shut up. Okay?
First things first. Those guys aren't FBI.
All right? I'm pretty sure that FBI agents don't say "awesome" that much.
You know, and they definitely don't hunt and kill college kids.
Did they say anything else?
Dude, they just sat and talked about how they've been apart for a year.
You were probably right about that whole office romance thing.
- I'm screwed. I'm screwed. - Kate, what are we supposed to do?
Okay. You know what? You guys, you're missing the big picture. Okay?
They don't know about you, Michael.
They're looking for whoever, whatever, bit you in the first place.
The pure blood.
That gives us some time.
Figure it out, you know?
So, what's the plan?
Gotta eat chicken hearts for the rest of my life?
Michael. Baby.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Aah...
', guys.
I think I found something.
Little early for office hours, Brian. What can I help you with?
I know what you are.
When I was a boy, I got lost inside the void
The century woods full of tree...
Hey. What are you doing?
- We're leaving in the morning. - What? Why?
Those guys, they might find Michael...
No, Kate, you don't have to worry about that.
You don't have to worry. I took care of it.
Took care of what?
Brian, what did you do?
Heh. I know what you are.
Yeah. I'm your professor.
And thanks, I've been looking for that. Where did you find it?
Where you left it.
After you bit my friend.
- I'm sorry. What are you...? - Stop, stop. Stop trying to cover.
Just listen to me very carefully. I'm filming all this.
I've got a hidden camera in here too.
It's feeding back to my laptop at home.
So if anything happens to me...
Nothing is going to happen to you, Brian. You need to calm down.
I want you to turn me into a werewolf.
- Brian, I don't know where you... - You don't know?
Really? Huh.
- Well, how about I cut you with this - Brian.
It's made of silver.
Look, I'm not... Please. I'm not what you think, Brian.
I don't care what you are. I just want you to turn me.
I don't wanna hurt you.
You're not going to.
Because if you do, all this winds up on CNN.
So you stumbled on Carter, wolfed out and then what?
Got a taste for hearts again?
You never lose the taste, if you're stupid enough to have one.
Once you have a human head, it's almost impossible...
...to control the monster inside.
But I did.
Until last week when I, uh, fell off the wagon, as they say.
You have no idea, no idea how hard it is.
I've trained myself not to hurt anyone.
I have trained myself to choke down those other hearts.
Animal hearts.
- And I have been clean. - Until last week.
Then I saw Carter.
Alone. And he was...
He looked so weak.
It's harder to cover things up nowadays.
I knew a hunter would catch wind of this sooner or later.
They did. They're here.
You needed a patsy. Michael.
Yes.
The young man who sleeps through most of my lectures.
I mean, who would miss him?
Me.
Why are you doing this?
I wanna see what you guys see.
Do what you do. I'm sick of being Piggy.
I wanna be Ralph.
We don't get to choose who we are.
I did.
- Oh, my God. - Brian. What, are you insane?
You're welcome.
For saving your ass. Look, watch.
Hey!
Thank you.
I've never killed a pureblood before.
What was he looking at?
What the hell?
See? Problem solved.
They killed the pureblood. They're moving on.
We're in the clear, just like you said.
- I never said... - Kate, I did this to protect you.
I did what you couldn't.
They saw the camera, Brian. You don't think they'll trace that back to you?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Nothing's wrong with me.
You told me that.
Heh. I just finally figured out what I want. And now I'm going after it.
You thought I was hiding behind this?
I was hiding behind you.
I am done living in your shadow.
I've always lived in your shadow.
But now?
Now we're equals.
- Anything you can do, right? - What, you think this is a game?
Do you have any idea what you've done to yourself?
- You wouldn't bite me, so I had to... - You asked him to?
- He asked you to bite him? - I didn't, okay?
I didn't wanna hurt you. I would never hurt you, Brian.
This thing inside of me, you don't want this.
Well, it's too late for that now.
I remember attacking Scott...
...ripping his beating heart out of his chest.
I remember the look in his dead eyes when I bit into that heart, Brian.
And above all, I remember how sweet, how delicious it tasted.
And ever since I tasted it, I've felt more powerful...
...and more out of control.
More weak. You don't need Michael. You need someone who can take care of you.
I can take care of myself.
Let her go.
Or what?
You're gonna cry some more?
No! No! No.
No!
God! God!
Please don't die.
Please don't die, please don't die.
I'm so sorry.
- I love you, baby. - I love you.
Michael?
Kate. Listen to me!
I love you. I love you.
You'll understand. You just need to see what I see.
After I bite you, you'll understand. Aah!
Kate.
Let me in.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
We can fix this. We can...
Just let me in. Okay?
Brian?
Brian, I'm coming out.
I see it now.
I understand.
I told you it would be all right.
Yeah. It will be.
Here.
No! No!
I didn't finish Brian's movie to justify what happened.
To be totally honest...
...I'm not really even sure if I understand it at all.
I just wanted you to know that Michael wasn't always a monster.
None of us were.
Five years from now?
Hopefully passed the bar exam. Practicing law.
Nothing corporate.
Something green, you know?
Oh, jeez. Um...
Maybe, like, working for HBO.
Or, like, Michael Moore. That'd be cool.
I will be on a boat in the middle of the ocean.
- My beautiful girl by my side. - Aw...
What's the matter? What's the matter with you lately?
I'm leaving.
And you'll never hear from me ever again.
Look, I know that there's another way.
I can eat animal hearts.
I've never hurt anyone.
Nobody human anyway.
I didn't choose this.
Please.
Please give me a chance.
Okay.
- So this is Michael. - Yeah.
- Which means that that is... - Brian Wilcox.
- Our friendly neighborhood cameraman. - Right.
All right. So, what, she's got about a half-day jump on us.
Mm-hm.
You all right?
Mm-hm.
Look, Kate's right. She hasn't hurt anybody.
Well, anybody human, at least.
And she didn't choose this.
Let's give her a shot.
Seriously?
- Yeah, yeah. - And, look, if Kate pops back up...
...I mean, if she strays...
...then no questions asked, we do what we gotta do...
...and we take her down.
Hey, Sam.
Yeah?
Do I really say "awesome" a lot?
No. No, no, no.
Huh.
Awesome.
...Matter with you lately?