- It's Halloween, man. - For us, every day is Halloween.
Samhain is the damn origin of Halloween.
Celts believe that October 31st was the one night of the year
when the veil was thinnest between the living and the dead.
- We should have one this year. - Have one, what?
A Christmas.
Ah, we'll get a tree, a little Boston Market.
Just like when we were little.
It's Valentine's Day. Your favorite holiday, remember?
I mean, what you always call it, "Unattached Drifter Christmas"?
Your people call them cupid. He's actually a lower order of angel.
Technically, it's a cherub, third class.
Yes. yes, yes!
- Is this a fight? Are we gonna fight? - This is their handshake.
What was that?
The future. We're bonded.
- You're the one who set me free. - No, that was an accident.
- You and I will be together. - No, that's not gonna happen.
We will become one. Why wouldn't you want that?
Here, honey. Let me.
Thanks, babe.
As handsome as the day I met you.
Doesn't Staci know to knock? She'll wake Teagan!
Sorry. I remembered after I rang.
So, where is Melissa?
She's getting ready.
Ew. I can taste her mom lipstick.
You're telling her tonight, right?
- It's Valentine's Day. - So?
So, that's heartless.
- Can't we talk about this later? - I’m tired of waiting.
Look, I told you, it's not that simple.
Mel and I, we've been together since we were your age.
We have a house. A baby. We have a whole life together.
Dan! Don't you get it? That's what I want.
- Either tell her tonight, or... - Or what?
Melissa! You look so pretty!
I love your lipstick.
Thanks. You ready?
Mmm-hmm.
I would like to apologize for being so insensitive...
You scared the hell out of me.
What are you doing here?
Mmm. That feels good.
Morning.
Mmm.
Is that a hickey?
And?
It was Valentine's Day.
- Well... - Can't help it if I'm a hopeless romantic.
You got half of that right.
Just doing my civic duty.
Helping all the single ladies.
You know, the best thing about February 14th?
You don't have to be Mr. Right. Just Mr. Right Now.
It's classy.
Yeah. What'd you do, judgy?
Curl up in your Snuggie? Watch Fifty Shades on cable?
Yeah... No.
Check this out.
Staci Altman, 19-year-old babysitter
from Hudson, Ohio, was murdered last night.
Well, that blows.
But if her name's not Amara...
How is that us?
Because her heart was ripped out.
- On Valentine's Day? Mmm. - Yeah.
Was it like an ironic werewolf?
All right. Let's check it out. But, first, I need bacon.
No, first, you need a shower.
- Is it? - Yeah.
You're not wrong.
It's like we told the cops. Staci came over around 6:00,
we went to dinner, and by the time we got home...
We got home. We found Staci in the living room
in a pool of blood and Teagan, in her crib, hysterical.
It was awful.
Can you think of any reason why somebody would wanna hurt Staci?
No. Staci was super sweet and popular and pretty...
Anyone who met her, fell in love with her.
Well, maybe it was a crime of passion.
Did Staci have any crazy ex-boyfriends?
No, not that I know of.
Honey?
Why would I have any idea?
Was anything stolen?
Any chance it may have been a robbery gone wrong?
I don't think so. I mean, nothing was missing
except for the nanny cam in the living room.
Thank you for your time.
- Give us a call if something comes up. - Okay. Thank you.
Hey, is it just me or is that guy acting a bit hinky?
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
Let's split up. You drop me at the morgue and you can hit Dan at the office.
Yeah, and maybe he'll be a little bit more open without his wifey around.
Yeah.
Based on the autopsy, the vic was conscious when her heart was ripped out.
Wouldn't want a front row seat to that show.
Any ideas what could've done this?
Typically? I'd assume animal attack.
- In a house? - Exactly. Plus, no claw marks.
I'll be honest with you, Agent.
Been doing this for some 20 odd years and I'm stumped.
Thanks.
Someone's here to see you, Mr. Harper. FBI. An Agent Weller?
Send him in, please.
Please have a seat, Agent. What can I help you with?
I need you to be straight with me, Dan.
Uh, not sure what you mean, Agent.
Oh, I think you do.
I think you're hiding something.
And you didn't want to talk about it in front of your wife.
You shtupping the babysitter.
Excuse me?
Oh, don't act all fake-offended.
I'm actually tryin' to help you out here, okay?
Now, personally, I don't give a rat's ass who you screw.
But I would just hate for your extracurricular activities
to get you involved in a federal murder investigation.
Or I could just go talk to your wife.
I wanna be straight with you, Agent.
I really do. But I can't.
- Sure you can. - No, really.
I mean, it's just too damn weird. You'd never believe me.
Try me.
Let me guess, the missing nanny cam?
I was having an affair with Staci.
I only took the nanny cam because she kissed me in front of it.
I forgot the damn thing was there.
Anyway, I was going to erase it as soon as we got home.
But then, we found Staci's body.
Melissa went upstairs to the baby and I...
Ran for the cam?
I know, it was a dick move.
But I also know the cam must've recorded the murder.
As soon as I erased the kiss, I was gonna turn it over to the cops.
I swear.
Until I saw what was on it...
I know that's me, but I swear it wasn't me.
I would never hurt Staci. I loved her.
I was at dinner the entire time. If you don't believe me, ask Melissa,
or the waiter.
Or any of the 75 other people that were there.
You gotta believe me.
Relax. I do.
You do?
I need you to sit tight.
Keep a lid on this for the time being. Okay?
- Yo. - Hey.
Find anything?
Uh, yeah. Jack. Absolutely nothing points to werewolf.
Well. Step aside, Urkel.
It was Dan that stole the nanny cam.
Why?
He was shtupping the sitter.
Hmm.
Wait a sec.
I thought Dan was at dinner with Melissa.
That's not Dan.
Shapeshifter.
Yahtzee.
Is it okay if I head out?
Yeah.
Are you okay, Mr. Harper?
I'm happy to stay if you need me.
Or maybe you should go home? Be with your family?
I'll be okay, Gladys. You have a good night.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Did you forget something?
Staci?
Uh-huh.
What the hell is going on?
I want you to give me your heart.
You're dead. This isn't...
I saw your heart ripped out of your chest!
Please. What are you doing?
What do you want?
You were the last person to see your boss alive.
Did you notice anything unusual?
Nothing unusual, per se. Just kind of rude.
This young girl, brunette, buxom. Couldn't have been more than 19,
barreled out of the elevator as I was leaving. Nearly knocked me over.
Is this her?
Yeah, that's the girl.
Thank you for your time, ma'am.
Well, confirms we're dealing with a shifter.
Yeah, who's upping his game by impersonating dead people.
- I'm guessing it's the wife. - Yeah.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I just can't believe it. I mean, how is this even possible?
That's what we're trying to figure out. Where's the baby?
She's with my mom.
I hate to have to ask this, but I need to ask you a difficult question.
Okay.
Were you aware that your husband was having an affair with your babysitter?
Yes.
I knew.
I know what you're thinking,
jealous wife kills her cheating husband.
But that couldn't be further from the truth.
I loved Dan. I still do.
It may sound pathetic,
but I thought we still had a chance.
Well, thank you for your time.
We'll leave you alone, let you get some rest.
Yeah, before we go,
do you mind just writing down a phone number where we can get ahold of you?
In case we have any more questions.
Sure.
And, if anything strange or out of the ordinary comes up,
don't hesitate to call.
We're staying at the motel on Main Street.
Thanks.
All right, so Melissa's not the shifter.
- We're back to square zilch. - I need a beer.
Regroup. Maybe get lucky.
Didn't you just get lucky?
That was in Kansas. What do you say, you with me?
Scrape a few hearts off the barroom floor?
Ah, I think I'll pass. I'm gonna hit the lore, but you go be you.
Suit yourself.
Hey. It's me. I think I messed up.
I don't know what happened but something went wrong.
And now Dan is dead and the FBI are asking questions.
Just call me back. ASAP.
Who's there?
Agents? Is that you?
Honey? Let me in.
Baby. It's me.
No, it's not!
Honey, please let me in.
I love you.
Oh!
Don't worry, honey. I'm not going to hurt you.
I'm your husband.
- Hey, any luck? - No.
- You? - Nah.
Hey, what's a "dad bod"?
Hey, there.
- Everything okay? - No, Dan tried to kill me.
Dan, your dead husband, Dan?
You told me to come to you if anything strange or out of the ordinary happened.
Well, it did. And I think it's all my fault.
Okay, why don't you sit down? Come on.
I swear, I really did love Dan. Maybe a little too much.
I just...
I wanted him to love me back. So I got some advice.
And I confided in my hairdresser about the affair...
Wait, women actually do that?
She told me that there was a way to get him back.
I knew she dabbled in stuff.
Wait a second, what kind of stuff are you talking about here?
She calls herself
a White Witch.
Listen, I don't know if you believe in that sort of thing, I normally don't,
but I was desperate.
Let me guess? She gave you a spell?
Yes. A Return to Love spell.
All I had to do was chant it,
and seal it with a kiss.
But I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
I swear, I just wanted my husband back.
Do you happen to have a copy of the spell on you?
Oh, my... Yes, yes!
Wow. Okay. For starters?
Not a spell.
More like an Aramaic Curse.
- What? - This?
Roughly translates to the Kiss of Death.
I swear she never told me that.
What does the lore say?
As far as I can tell, there is no lore.
My best guess is this was the White Witch's home cooking.
Terrific. All right, so what do we know? Um...
- If you kiss someone, then they die? - I guess.
Wait a second, you didn't kiss Staci?
No. Of course not.
No, but Dan did.
So the curse is transmittable?
Like a magic STD.
Okay. That works. Kind of makes you nostalgic for good old fashioned herpes.
Oh, God.
I killed Dan and Staci...
You didn't kill anyone. This is all on that witch.
Riddle me this. Why did Staci die first, if she was kissed second?
I don't know. Maybe you're safe if you can pass the curse on?
Yeah, and then if that person dies, then it comes back to you?
I mean, that would make sense. That would explain
why whatever this is, is working its way back to Melissa.
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Yeah, because it's freaking confusing.
Look, the long and short, it's like a game of hot potato.
You gotta keep paying it forward. If you don't, you die.
Melissa. This curse started with you...
Now, I think it wants to end with you.
Don't worry. Okay, we're not gonna let that happen.
What the hell did you do?
Come on, let's just go.
I'd say that went pretty well. What do you think?
Wait a second. Are you serious?
You think it's a good idea to give yourself a fatal curse?
Hold that.
Well, target's off her back, ain't it?
I'm just saying, you don't have to do this. Be the guinea pig.
- What? - The martyr.
Trying to carry the weight by yourself. Do this!
I'm gonna be fine. Okay?
As long as I'm good, she's good, and that's the important thing.
Besides, it proved our theory, didn't it?
That this whole Kiss of Death curse is transmittable?
I'm not asking for the Nobel here but, you know, thank you.
- How long do you think we have? - I don 't know.
It's not like this thing is exactly following the pattern.
I don't even know what I'm looking for here.
But we got out of there pretty quick, so maybe...
What was that?
Uh, we think it was something called a shapeshifter
but it can't be because I pumped the thing full of silver and it didn't even flinch.
What kind of FBI agents are you?
The fake kind.
- We're hunters. - Hunters?
Look, all you need to know is that we save people like you from things like that.
Even if it's not a shapeshifter, it's still shifting shapes.
If we can figure out what it is, we can find out how to kill it.
All right, what do you know about the White Witch?
Um, not much. Her name is Sonja,
she's kind of weird.
I don't know. She's only been my hairdresser for a couple of months.
You know where she lives?
Not a clue.
Where'd she give you the spell?
In the basement of her salon.
"The Art of Dyeing."
Well, can't say she didn't warn you.
All right. Just keep the doors locked and stay put until we get back.
Unless Sonja shows up.
Then use this on her.
It won't kill her, but it'll slow her down.
Are you serious? I can't stab anyone!
- Come on. - Listen to me.
Sonja's not just "anyone.“
She is a wicked witch, who offed your husband and tried to kill you.
So if she shows up here, you punch her, you stab her,
you drop a freaking house on her if you have to.
Witch-killing bullets.
We gotta come up with a better name than that.
Hey.
Locked cabinet.
- Looky there. - Hey, hey.
All right.
Got it. All right, looks like we're dealing with a Qareen.
Never heard of it.
It's a "creature, corporeal in form, a slave to your commands."
Like a genie?
I guess. Here we go, someone chants the curse and lays a wet one on you,
then the victim is seduced and killed by the Qareen.
But instead of taking the form of Barbara Eden,
they present themselves as your deepest, darkest desire.
Makes sense why sitter was killed by the husband and the husband by the sitter.
Yeah, and why Melissa was attacked by Dan. She really loved him.
What?
You know the silver lining about being cursed?
I'll finally get some face time with Daisy Duke.
My deepest, darkest desire.
- Seriously? - Ever since I was seven.
So Bach. Not Simpson.
Eh. Guess I wouldn't say no to either.
All right, how do we kill it?
By stabbing it in its heart.
Uh, well, given that it's got a giant hole in its chest, does it even have a heart?
Apparently not in him.
The person who possesses the Qareen's heart is the one who commands it.
So, Sonja, the hairdresser.
All right, let's find us a heart. I'll take upstairs.
Ah.
- Whatever, I'm going upstairs. - Okay.
You find anything?
I understand, Dean.
Is that right?
The longing in your heart. I feel it, too.
Well, that's touching. Considering that you don't have a heart...
Qareen.
I'm guessing you're not really FBI.
You're what? A hunter?
And you're a witch. Hocking death curses as love spells.
Someone has to punish these men.
You know the only thing worse than a cheating man
is one who gets away with it.
Wow.
You're practically a feminist.
Who I am doesn't matter.
The real question is who are you?
What do you mean who am I?
You're a mystery.
I can see inside your heart.
Feel the love you feel,
except it's cloaked in shame.
When it comes to this, you can't help yourself.
So why fight it?
Just give in.
Why hurt Melissa? She only wanted to save her marriage.
They all do.
Hundreds of heartbroken women come to me,
but they never learn. I mean, a month, a year,
however long later, they all come back.
Same story, different man.
So you tweaked the curse?
Now it not only punishes the cheaters,
but the foolish women who want them back.
Guess I'm just weeding out the idiots.
And you're next.
Yeah, you know what? You're right.
The real Amara does have a hold on me,
but you are nothing but a cheap imitation.
Sonja! Stop!
Please. Enough is enough!
Dean?
- Yeah! - It's over. I got it.
- Yeah? - It's done.
- You good? - Yeah.
- You good? - Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
So are you gonna keep me in suspense here or what?
About what?
Who was it? Bach or Simpson?
Neither.
It was Amara.
That surprise you?
That doesn't surprise you?
- Honestly? - "Honestly?"
What, you seriously think the sister of God is my deepest, darkest desire?
- She isn't? - No!
- She can't be. - Why not?
Why? Because if she was then that means I'm...
It means you're what?
Complicit? Weak? Evil?
- For starters, yeah. - Dean...
Do you honestly think you ever had a choice in the matter?
She's the sister of God.
And for some reason she picked you, and that sucks,
but if you think I'm going to blame you or judge you?
I'm not.
You know that I want her ass dead.
Yes, of course.
And I know you've also probably beaten yourself up a million times over it,
but where's that gotten us?
Just how bad is it?
Standing here right now?
Every bone in my body wants to run her through.
Send her back to that hole she crawled out of.
But when I'm near her...
I don't know, something happens...
I can't explain it.
But to call it desire or love, I mean, it's not that.
I'm screwed, man.
We want to kill The Darkness, we need to kill The Darkness.
And I don't think I can.
And I'm sorry to do that to you, you know.
But when it comes down to it...
I got it, Dean.
English - SDH