Give it to me straight.
Virginal bride, or...
- ...slut in white? Ha, ha. - Ha, ha.
He is so lucky.
You okay in there?
I feel sick.
Oh.
You're getting nervous.
You remember last year when Jesse and I broke up for a couple of weeks...
...and, uh, I thought she spent those two weeks in bed...
...sad and depressed?
- Yeah. - This morning she tells me...
...out of the blue that she spent one of those weeks in bed with Jake Lee.
- What did you do? - Nothing.
Good. That's good. So, what's wrong?
She slept with Jake Lee.
She slept with him for like a week.
How am I supposed to live with that? What if all this is a mistake?
Come on, you would've known that by now.
- Am I overreacting? - Yes, you are.
Come on, man, it's not like she actually cheated.
I mean, you know, you had broken up.
Right.
What would you do?
I'd be happy, man. Ha, ha.
I mean, it's Jesse. Everyone you know wants Jesse.
- What do you mean by that? - I didn't... I didn't...
Ahem. I didn't mean it like that. I just, uh...
Look, you wanted this, right?
So, pull yourself together, go out there and get married.
Ed?
Mr. Allen.
You caught me reminiscing. A lot of memories here.
Buy you a drink?
Oh, I'd love to, Frank, but I'm kind of... I'm in a bit of a rush.
I insist.
After all, it is the traditional function of the father of the bride.
What is?
Keeping the groom away from back exits.
No, I was just gonna go outside, get some air.
Your best tequila, on the rocks. Come over here a second.
- It's tequila, right? - Uh, none for me, thanks.
That's great. He'll have a double.
You know, I realize that you don't know me very well, Ed.
You and Jesse down at school, my wife and I here, but trust me...
...you can talk to me.
Nothing really to talk about, sir.
Doubts?
No, no. No doubts. Uh, no doubt in my mind.
I'm totally doubt-free. I'm, uh... I'm doubtless.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what. Ahem.
Why don't we make a little list, shall we?
Let's start with doubt number one.
Uh, none.
No, I promise. None. Uh, number one is "none."
Oh, come on, we can do better than that.
What about that thing with Jake Lee?
- She told you that? - Two weeks, last year.
Two weeks? She told me a week.
One, two, most of Lent, that's hardly the point.
That's not why you're eyeing the exit.
Jake Lee's an excuse.
Tell me something, Ed.
Do you love her?
Yeah, of course I do.
Then maybe, just maybe, you're wondering...
...why it isn't pure and constant.
Why all of these ups and downs. Conviction, then doubt?
How can something that feels so right one moment...
...make you so queasy the next?
Relax.
Life is a mess.
All you have to do is choose to love her the best way that you know how.
You know, I've really gotta get out of here. Um...
Thank you for the advice and the drink...
You know, I've had a marriage of ups and downs.
Oof.
Dazzling extremes. Perhaps you've never heard the full account?
Frankly, Frank, another time.
- Maybe Christmas? - Not really a Christmas story.
Tell you what.
One says "walk."
And the other says "talk."
Pick one. You choose.
Pick the one that says "walk" and you'll be free of me.
Pick the one that says "talk" and, well...
You're kidding, right?
No.
I get the feeling sometimes, Mr. Allen, that you don't like me very much.
I like Jake Lee.
But my daughter loves you.
Which means you have a great capacity to hurt her.
And you've never done a damn thing to prove to me that you won't.
Like I said, my marriage...
...has been one of extremes.
Certainty and doubt. Deceit and truth.
But it started with truth.
And it started right here in this hotel.
In this very room.
- Hey! - Hey.
- How you doing, man? - Good.
- Resolutions, huh? - Yeah.
I always make mine on December 29th.
That way I only have 48 hours to feel bummed about not keeping them.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Hey, have you seen Susan yet?
Uh, no, she's always late. Have you seen her lately?
No, not since Teddy's party last week.
Teddy had a party?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Was she there with anyone, or, uh? - No, not really.
Oh. Which is it? "Not" or, uh, "really"?
It's hard to say.
Careful, Frank, she'll leave nothing but your bones.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Amen. - Amen.
All right, okay. Resolutions, who's got one?
- Sherri? - Thank you. Take off five pounds.
- Oh, come on. - Take it off now.
- Your turn, Frank. - Okay. I, uh...
I resolve to be bolder.
What a dick. God.
Well, I resolve to fall in love.
Okay. This is getting a little kinky now, kids.
- That's pretty ambitious. - I am almost holding your hand.
Okay, next, next. Who, who?
- Come on, Susan. - Okay, okay. Uh, um...
I resolve to buy a motorcycle. A red Harley.
Nice. Nothing nicer or sexier than a chick on a hog.
I resolve to stop you from doing that.
Why? Don't you like motorcycles or something?
It's just that 95 percent of riders get injured in the first six months.
- Here we go. - You memorized the stats?
And 55 percent of riders get seriously injured.
But it gets better than that.
Do you know what doctors call riders that don't wear a helmet?
- No, tell us. - Sexy.
Organ donors.
Organ donors. Yeah.
Just, look, promise me that you'll always wear a helmet.
Somebody take the pole out of his ass. Frank, come on, you gotta loosen up, man.
- You take the pole. - Okay, so I have another resolution.
- An even better one, I think. - It better be better.
- Does anyone wanna hear it? - Come on.
Okay. So, um, I resolve to...
...find a husband.
- What? - Yeah. I'm afraid so. It's true.
And, um, uh, I've decided to pick from my friends.
You know, I don't wanna marry a stranger or anything. So, um...
- Who wants to be my husband? - I do.
- I'll do it. - Me, me, me.
Shit. Oh, God. How will I ever choose?
- By size. By size, boys. - By size of what, exactly?
- Whatever pleases you the most. - I don't like guesswork, Buddy.
- There won't be any guesswork involved. - You just keep Mr. Ed in your pants.
Oh, my God. That's actually what you call it. Mr. Ed?
- That's charming. - Wait, that's it. That's perfect.
What could be more revealing about a man? Best nickname for your dick...
...becomes my husband.
Right. Okay, so who's first? Come on.
Ken, what do you got for me?
Come on, baby.
Is it too hard of a question for you or something?
- Uh, okay. - What's her name?
I call him...
...Squeaky the Bald-Headed Mouse.
- Oh, my God, you don't. - Because he likes holes.
- Are you serious? - There's an animal theme going on here.
- Buddy? Come on. - You already know, come on.
What?
It's Master of the Universe, Defender of our Galaxy.
Oh, shit, man.
Couldn't it be "God Almighty" or something?
- Uh, well, that's my tongue, actually. - Oh, God. Whatever.
- Okay, Frank? - Truth.
- Yeah, come on, spit it out. - The truth.
That's... That's what I call it.
Truth.
I'm sorry it's not a farm animal. I'm sorry.
- You should be. - Ten, nine...
...eight, seven, six, five...
...four, three, two, one.
Happy New Year!
It was always gonna be you.
- Uhh... - Daddy.
- What is that? - It's your daughter.
No.
I don't have a daughter this early.
- Whatever's there, kill it. - Hurry.
- It's wide awake. - We're gonna miss the sun.
Okay, okay, okay. I'm going, I'm going.
Go away.
- Hurry, Daddy. - Let's let Mommy sleep.
- Hurry. - Okay.
Come on.
Okay, okay, okay.
Ready?
To give a good speech.
Your turn.
Nice writing.
I wish, I wish, upon the sun, that my wish is number one.
And what did you wish for?
That Mary Ross will get hit by a truck.
Well, that's not very nice. I thought Mary was your best friend.
- I divorced her. - You can't divorce a friend.
- Why not? - Because divorce is for married people.
That's okay. As long as a truck hits her.
All right, killer, come on.
- Let's go dogpile Mommy. - Yay.
Shoot. Hey, Monster, have you seen my morning list?
You need a list to keep track of your lists.
Oh, thank you.
No, honey, that's all sugar and food coloring.
You've had enough. Go get dressed.
"Conscious". Is it "sc" or "cs"? Stop right there.
Come and give me a kiss, please. I got a big lecture today.
- I'll be home in the morning. I love you. - I love you, too, Dad.
All right.
Don't forget to return the movies.
- Movies? - Mm-hm.
No, no, no. I can't.
Would you, um, do it if it was on that list?
- Of course I would. - Give me your pen.
- Ah, ah. No, I don't have time. - It's on your way.
- I can't be late for the ferry, so... - What time do you have to leave the house?
- Eighteen after. - Eighteen after is not a time.
- It's a symptom. It's like a twitch. - Well, you used to find it adorable.
Yeah, well, I used to pound Jägermeister.
Anyway, you won't be late.
- Yes, I will. - No, you won't.
- You didn't. - I did.
- Oh, shit. - What? I've given you an extra ten minutes.
No, you didn't. You set it the wrong way. You've given me ten minutes less.
Oh, shit.
- I'm sure you'll be fine. - Yeah.
Bye.
You forgot the movies.
- Hello? - Hey, it's Buddy. Is Frank there?
- He just left. - I might be late.
- So might he. - Frank? I don't think that's possible.
Don't drag him into anything unsavory tonight.
What do you consider unsavory?
Anything that might lead to a rash.
- What are you wearing? - Buddy.
- Come on. - I'm naked, Buddy.
Thank you.
We're okay.
We're okay. No, no, no.
Come on. No, no, no, you're kidding me.
Please, please, please. No, no. Check the time. I'm right here, please.
Hey, congratulations. You'll be the first one on the next boat.
God, come on. Look, sir, please, I'm begging you right now.
There's plenty of room on the ferry. Just let me drive it on.
Please. I beg you, I have a speech. My wife, the movies... Aargh!
Next boat leaves in an hour. This boat leaves at eight o'clock.
Oh, look at that, it's eight o'clock.
Next boat, pal. Schedule to keep, you know.
The relationship between time and you...
...is always one of master and slave. Ahem.
List-making.
It is your anchor, your harbor in the storm of life.
Start each morning with your wish for the day.
And then move right on into your daily goal list.
And remember to keep them in behavioral terms, and to be specific.
Why? Because a specific list...
...is a happy list.
And don't forget, it's chaos out there.
And we conquer that by taking control, setting priorities.
Life cannot be based on whim.
Those who fail to control whim...
...are destined to be controlled by it.
Thank you.
Hey, back in the city.
- Good to see you, man. - Yeah.
Excellent talk, by the way. That was truly inspirational.
I saw you come in.
Yeah. My old man wasn't through busting my ass...
...for being late on the Bethnal job.
Do you have any idea how many windows are in a building that size?
I don't know. Fifty?
Something wrong in Camp Frank?
No. Ahem.
- What? - It's a little complicated, that's all.
That's all right. No, that's okay. I like knowing your life isn't totally perfect.
- Okay, look. You know this talk today? - Yeah.
It's a big break for me in the corporate lecture circuit.
Susan. Susan. She knows how important this is to me.
She knows how nervous I get before a talk...
...yet she doesn't say anything, not a word, you know.
Instead, she gets all over me about my schedule.
She sets the clocks forward to give me more time...
...only she gives me less time and I end up missing the ferry.
Now, do you have any idea how embarrassing it is...
...to show up late to a lecture on the efficient use of time?
- She actually set the clock forward? - Actually set the clock forward.
- Ha, ha. Oh, man, that's good. - Yeah, it's very funny.
Come on, man. She's just trying to unwind you a bit.
I'm not a clock. I'm not wound. Stop saying that.
Look, not everything in your life needs to be ordered, Frank.
You know, if you don't take any chances, you never try anything new.
That's not true. Yeah, I take plenty of chances.
Great. Let's ask those chicks if they want to go play some blackjack with us.
- That's not taking a chance. - Why not?
- Because. - Because?
Because everybody knows...
...that the house advantage for blackjack is 5.9 percent.
And that doesn't make sense.
- Five point nine percent, huh? - Yeah.
- I thought we were hanging out. - Yeah, we just did, and it was fun.
But if you're not gonna take a chance, then there's two of them and one of me.
I like those odds.
Hi, ladies. That's my friend Frank over there.
I was at your lecture today. It's not bad.
Thank you. Ha.
My boss forced me to read your book, The Ten Minute...
- It's five. - What?
- The Five Minute Efficiency Trainer. - Oh, right. Five.
- It worked. It totally worked. - Really?
I didn't expect that. Usually my boss is an idiot. So...
- It was amazing. I mean, I make lists. - That's great.
- They're color-coded. It's... - Yeah. It gets the life on track.
- Am I gushing? - I have no idea.
I'm Paula. Paula Crowe.
- I'm Frank. Frank Allen. Nice to meet you. - You too.
Would you like to try something a little bit different, Mr. Frank Allen?
Well, uh...
You know, uh, yeah. Yes, I would actually.
- Yeah? - Yep.
Two Tangerinis, please.
You know, you're very brave to be able to talk in front of so many people.
Mm. No. I, uh...
Every night before I give a talk, I get this nightmare...
...that I'm giving a huge lecture and suddenly I notice that I'm naked.
Anyway. When I'm actually giving the talk for real, I reverse it.
I pretend that everyone in the audience is naked. That helps me breathe a little.
After today's crowd, I may reconsider that.
- Frank? - Mm?
- Can I ask you a big favor? - Mm.
I, uh, really, really have to go tinkle.
And I have this phobia about public restrooms.
- Would you...? - I have the same phobia.
- All my life. All my life. - Ha-ha-ha. Right?
Would you mind terribly if I use the bathroom in your room?
You're funny.
- Oops. - Check, please.
- Frank? - Yo.
You know when you said that you imagined everyone in the audience naked?
Oh, what's this?
Does that mean that you imagined me naked?
Yeah, married. Uh, going on eight years now. Yeah.
How did I look?
Uh, just one. Jesse, she's, uh, great.
We're talking about another one though, so... Whoo.
- This good? - Hoo.
Uh, wow. I'm gonna have some juice or something.
I made my daily goal list for today.
- It's very specific. - Yeah. Well, specific...
Because it's chaos out there and you conquer it...
...by setting priorities and taking control.
Well, these aren't instant gratification priorities...
Yeah. We, uh... There's a system to it.
Oh, I'm gonna get that. Yep, yep, yep. Let me get that.
- Hello? - Hey.
Hey.
I'm sorry about this morning. How did the talk go?
Oh, uh, score one for the good guys. I aced it.
What was that?
Uh, nothing. I think, uh, I have no idea. So...
- Are you all right? - I'm fine, baby.
I'm just so exhausted right now...
...and I love you, and I'm gonna see you tomorrow, okay? All right?
- Okay, okay. - Love you too.
You should've seen your face.
The way you squirmed, like a squashed little snake.
- I love married men. - Oh, my God.
Come here. How about the five more minutes of efficiency?
I don't feel well. I have a wife and a kid. I gotta go home.
Relax. It's too late to go anywhere. You missed the last ferry.
- I'll drive around the peninsula, it's fine. - Well, that would take forever.
- A waste of time. - Yeah.
Remember that the relationship between time and you...
- ...is always one of master and slave. - Watch it, watch it, watch it.
Look, I'm really, really sorry about this, okay?
Use the room as long as you want. Nothing personal. Honest.
I love my wife.
Jerk.
Hello?
- Hello? - Hello?
You're probably looking for Frank.
He just left on a mission of great secrecy. Sorry.
Pick a lane. God.
Oh!
- Oh, God. - Aargh!
- Are you okay? Are you okay? - Aah!
Can you unlock the door? Can you...?
Okay, what's wrong? Is it your head? You hit your head?
What's wrong with your stomach? There's something...
You're having a baby!
Fifteen minutes. We're gonna be there.
We're gonna be at the hospital in 15 minutes! Just hang in there.
- I'm Frank Allen. What's your name? - Nancy.
Nancy. Okay, Nancy. You're doing great. Just keep breathing, okay?
Breathe in, out, in, just think about how happy this child's gonna make you.
I don't... I don't want it.
Well, my thought is that you're gonna have it.
- So you know, just in, out. - You know what?
- Breathe in. - I want you to have it. You take it.
That's very generous of you, but no, thank you.
No, thank you... Okay, just hold it. Hold it!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just, come on, we're almost there.
Oh, God! That's it, just keep breathing. Just...
Oh, it's just leaking everywhere. Okay. Just breathe.
Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm gonna need some information.
- Information on you and your wife. - No, she's not my wife.
- Well, fill out what you can. - Okay. Lightheaded here.
- Hello? - Good day.
- May I speak with Mr. Allen, please? - No, Mr. Allen isn't home.
Do you know where he is? It's very important.
No, I don't.
It seems that Mrs. Allen is no longer on the hospital premises.
I'm Mrs. Allen.
Mrs. Allen. You're in no condition to have left the hospital.
Post-childbirth can be a very serious condition.
Post what?
- Your baby needs you. - What baby?
Do I have the right Allen?
I'm... I'm sorry. Who are you looking for?
Frank Allen of 17 River Drive.
Hello?
Mrs. Allen? Hello?
- Get out. - What?
- I said, get out. - Why? What'd I do?
- No, don't give me that. See, I know. - I have no idea what you're talking about.
- You're a liar. - Okay...
- You're a liar! - Aah! Ooh!
God! Okay, okay, listen, listen, listen, I made a small mistake.
- Oh, God! - Wait! Susan!
I didn't do anything really wrong! It was a professional flirtation!
Is this what you've been getting up to all these dumb business trips of yours?
She was a nobody! Yelling! Yelling! Yelling!
- Okay! - Oh, God!
All right, there was a small chaste-like kiss, more of a peck.
- I've been up the whole night. - There was some tongue, not my tongue.
- You've been boning some woman? - You called, and it was over.
- Nothing happened! - How can you call a baby nothing?
- What baby? - The baby at the hospital!
- Oh, that baby. - Get out of my house!
- Fuck off! - I deny everything, Susan! Susan? I...
This is absurd. You're a hospital. How could you treat somebody...
...and not know who she is?
We occasionally treat the patient before obtaining their social security number.
- And then you let them escape. - Mr. Allen, this is a hospital, not a prison.
We don't expect mothers to desert their babies.
Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry. You're absolutely right.
Can you call my wife? Explain the misunderstanding...
...and I'll be on my way.
- And tell her what? - Well, that the baby's not mine.
- That I only met the mother last night. - I don't know that, Mr. Allen.
Well, it's true. I drove them here, and that's it.
Save it for your wife.
Here's what Susan dropped off for you.
Uh, what do you think I should do?
Well, are you asking me as your friend or your lawyer?
Friend.
- Talk. Just talk to her. Be honest. - I've tried. I'm trying.
She won't talk to me until I prove it's not my child. This is ridiculous.
You don't remember the last name?
- No. - No make on the car?
No, it was dark.
As your lawyer, if there's anything you wanna tell me...
...you know I'm sworn to hold it private and confidential.
I didn't know her, Damon!
Well. Without the mother's consent you're gonna have to get a court order...
...for a DNA sample from the baby for a test.
- How long? - Four months minimum.
Oh, God.
Look, stop worrying.
If what you say is true, there's no way the mother, the hospital or the queen...
...could prove that child's yours in a court of law.
I'm not worried about a court of law. I'm worried about the court of Susan.
Susan, I demand that you listen to me. I refuse to be hung...
Honey, I'm begging you.
I...
Monster, I love you. I...
- I love you too, Frank. - Ken?
What are you doing over there? Where's Susan?
She doesn't want to talk to you.
- Put her on. - Frank, she went to the hospital.
You're on the form as the father.
- That's not true. Ahem. - Whatever you say.
I believe you.
You just need to give Susan a little more time for your sake, okay?
All right.
Hang in there, Frank.
Yeah.
You should be aware that results are rarely couched in yes-no responses.
It just doesn't have the exactitude of DNA testing.
The best is usually a statistical probability with a significant margin of error.
When can I expect results?
Uh, four or five days.
Now, for the fun part.
- Bye, sweetie. See you later. - Bye.
Uh, what's he doing here?
Picking Jesse up.
You're letting him see Jesse?
He's still her father.
Oh. Look at that.
Big kiss, please. Okay. Ah.
Daddy, when are you coming home?
Hopefully in a few days, sweetie.
How's Mommy? Did she get any of the messages I left?
She called you a moral slob.
Well, you know Mommy.
Sometimes she gets upset for no good reason at all.
- Like cleaning my room? - Exactly.
She gets awfully mad when I don't clean my room.
It's just like cleaning your room.
So we're both slobs.
I guess so. Yeah.
- Does that make me a bigamist too? - Oh.
Mommy.
What the hell is that?
I'm calling him Abigail.
Unbelievable. He's dressed you as a princess, and bought you vermin.
He's the best daddy ever!
Please.
As far as your question of paternity goes, Mr. Allen...
...the tests prove 100 percent, without a fraction of doubt...
...that it is not your child.
Yes! Proof! Proof.
Yes, well, I checked the results twice. There's no question about it.
You saved my life here. I'm just really excited.
I was expecting some kind of completely ambiguous statistic here...
...so this is, ahh.
Uh, no, it's actually quite simple. You have an extra X-chromosome.
- No joke? - Yeah.
What is that?
Well, it's a condition called Klinefelter's Syndrome.
Don't worry, it's harmless. Most men don't even know they have it...
...except for one of its manifestations.
In what? What manifestation?
Sterility.
- Excuse me? - You've been sterile since birth.
I don't understand. Uh...
It is impossible for you to have children.
Uh...
You got the wrong guy, doc, because I have a little girl at home, and that...
I'm sorry.
Okay, something's wrong here. I'm gonna sit down and just...
Um, you have the wrong label, or wrong test.
I mean, this is a hospital. These things happen here all the time.
I... I'm sorry to drop this on you. I know this isn't easy to accept.
Hey.
Come on, I'm a father. I have a little girl. A 7-year-old girl. Jesse.
Unlike humans, chromosomes can't betray, deceive, or willfully lie.
The truth is all they state.
Um...
But, Jesse. I have a... A little girl.
I will, of course, take another sample, but I've run the test twice.
I'm afraid, Mr. Allen, there's been no mistake.
It's all been a lie, hasn't it?
- You tell me. - I know.
Oh, yeah? Well, I know, too!
Hi, Daddy.
Go to your room, sweetie. Daddy and I need to talk, okay?
Uh, excuse me?
I'm willing to bet ten bucks that you're naked under those clothes.
Why don't you join me for a drink?
Hey, buddy? I think you're sitting in my seat.
I wanna sit next to the pretty girl here, hmm?
Hey, pinhead, I'm talking to you. You're in my seat.
You work the ferry?
Yeah, so? Move your ass.
If you'd let me on, I wouldn't have been late.
I wouldn't have been so mad at Susan.
I wouldn't have been so stupid.
I wouldn't know the things that I know today.
Do I know you or something?
What time is it now?
What?
What time is it now?
- Screw you. - What time is it?
You want a piece of me, asshole? Let's take it outside.
That felt good.
Thank you for doing that.
- What is your name? - Tracy.
We're gonna be late again. Get your bag, sweetie. I'll be in the car, okay?
- Can I help you? - Does Frank live here?
He's not home.
I'm his wife.
Oh. Hi. I'm Nancy.
I wanted to thank him.
For what?
All his help.
Is that Frank's baby?
Oh, no.
Frank, it's me. Why won't you call me back? We need to talk. Please?
Call me.
Flat out on the floor. Then he gets so scared he takes off on his Harley...
- Shh! - Uh, ahem.
- What's going on? - Um...
Um...
Let's, um, talk outside.
Yeah.
There are some rumors about Frank. Crazy stuff.
Tom has a cousin who said his best friend was at the River Shore Bar...
...when your husband got into a fight and shredded this big bruiser.
- Frank? - Yes. And he bought a bitchen Harley.
No, that's not Frank. That's just not possible. Somebody's confused.
No. John's son works at the shop. Frank bought a Harley. A red one.
- A red Harley? - Yes.
Without me?
Frank?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll leave a note.
- I need to talk to you. - Oh, yeah?
I found this in his hotel room. I'm worried.
It's very succinct.
I met the mother. She says it's not Frank's baby.
Well, that's great. You can take Frank back.
There was still a woman in his hotel room.
Come on, give the boy a break. I mean, we all have urges.
- You never look at the pool boy? - We don't own a pool.
You don't need a pool for a pool boy.
It's different. I never thought of Frank as duplicitous.
- It's not Frank-ish. - No, it's not.
It's not really his style.
Buddy, stop it. I'm not this wanton creature you got floating around...
- ...in your sleazy little brain. - Really?
I've had three men my whole life, okay?
And this isn't about me, and it's damn sure not about you. It's about Frank.
Hey, come on. You know I'll do anything for Frank.
Then find him and make sure he doesn't do anything dumb.
Hey. It's open.
Hey.
- Hey. - Are you trying to kill yourself?
Well, obviously, but I think it's gonna take a little while.
Ha, ha. Good, because I bring happy news.
Susan will take you back.
A little begging may be required.
What I do is send red roses every day for a week.
By day five of the big red, she'll forgive you three hookers and a missed birthday.
I'm not going back.
- I had a pretty major revelation, Buddy. - What?
All the decisions I've made in my life have been wrong.
- Everybody feels that way, come on. - No, it's true.
I've always been so goddamn careful about every choice that I've made...
...and what the hell has it gotten me? Nothing.
So, instead I look around here...
...and I write lists of everything that I really wanna do...
...and then I just randomly pick between them. It's beautiful.
Frank, did you hear me? Susan will take you back.
What are you doing?
- There's no choice to be made. - Exactly. This is what I'm talking about.
Whim. Chance.
I've decided to never decide another thing again.
Hockey.
And so it is.
Frank, maybe I didn't make myself perfectly clear.
I really think she'll take you back.
Hey, she loves you, you know? And you obviously can't live without her.
That's not true. I'm walking on sunshine out here, man.
When you look at me, you look at a creature of freedom. A man released.
Any chance this "creature of freedom" is really a monster of depression?
No.
Look, what you need, and I say this as your best friend, is a vacation.
A bit of sun, a bit of relaxation, and a huge chunk of Prozac.
- I like that. - Yeah?
I like that idea. Watch this.
Okay.
"Prozac."
"Streak ice." Ooh.
- And "become Slayers fan." - What are you doing?
I'm gonna pick one. I'm gonna abide by the choice.
- You know what that makes me? - A flake?
- Free. - That's bullshit.
You've been a Meteor since you were 6. You can't change who you are.
- I can. - You can't.
Okay, then.
To do that, you'd have to be really twisted, man. Slayers?
That's morally abhorrent. A man who would do that is capable of anything.
Exactly.
Frank, if you're gonna go nuts, you should at least have a god or a dog talking to you.
Index cards? It's just not that sexy.
You need help, man. You need to see a doctor.
- I did. - You saw a shrink?
No.
No, not a shrink.
If there's something wrong, you can talk to me, you know?
Jesse's not my genetic daughter.
- What? - Yeah.
Yeah. I have Klinefelters Syndrome.
- Kline-what? - Klinefelters.
I was born with an extra X-chromosome. I've been sterile since birth.
- Are they sure? I mean... - Yeah. Yeah.
It's impossible for me to be a father.
I saw her.
It was December 19.
Oh, God. Oh, no.
- Hey, Jesse. - Hi, Buddy.
Jesse, how old are you?
- Seven. - You're seven.
Really? Now when's your birthday?
- Today. - Today? Today's your birthday?
You didn't get me a present, did you?
Oh, jeez. Of course I did.
I, uh, got you this watch.
And be careful, it's a Rolex.
- Is your mother inside? - Yeah.
Susan, I found a man wandering aimlessly in the hallway looking for you.
- Thanks, Peg. Goodbye, Peg. - And what a man he is.
- Is today really Jesse's birthday? - No, it's in August.
What about Frank? Is he all right?
- Uh, yeah, Damon bailed him out. - Damon what?
- Who was the third lover? - Who?
You said I was one of three lovers. Frank would be two.
- So there must have been a third. Who? - What?
- Who was the third man? - Let me go.
- No, not until you tell me. - You're crazy.
- I want a name. Who was it? - Alan Zelf.
- Alan Zelf. When? - When I worked at that burger joint.
I was 17, we did it in the basement on top of a pile of buns, okay?
What's gotten into you?
Fatherhood.
Time.
Efficiency.
Organizational skills.
Do any of you really give a shit?
You're here because your boss thinks...
...that if you keep your desk clear and your calendars streamlined...
...you'll sell a few more computers, and who knows, maybe he's right.
But will that make you any happier?
Will it prevent you from waking up one morning with an incurable disease?
Will it stop your wife, Susan, from whoring around on you?
Must've been that week before New Year's.
At Teddy's party.
I knew it was stupid. Even when we were doing it I knew it was stupid.
Gee, thanks. That makes me feel so much better.
- You could've used birth control. - I did.
- I guess it wasn't completely effective. - Yeah, no kidding.
Oh!
I could die.
Betrayed. Yeah, sure, we've been betrayed.
By the assumptions of our own society. You stay in line.
Keep your shoes shined. Hard work and devotion will be rewarded.
Well, let me ask you something, is anyone here truly happy?
If so...
...raise your happy hand.
Then the decisions that you've made in your life are crap.
You're a crappy person. Leading a crappy life.
- Crappy, crappy, crappy. - No.
Yeah. Crappy.
Poor Frank, suddenly finding out he's not a father.
Enough poor Frank. What about poor Buddy, suddenly finding out he is?
- Poor Jesse. - Poor Jesse?
- No father. - What am I? Chopped liver?
You're a mistake!
It could have been me you married eight years ago.
It would've cramped your style.
You don't think I crave stability?
You don't think I haven't wanted a family, or desired intimacy?
You don't think I've always loved you?
No.
- Yes. Yes. - No. No!
Whim...
...not thought.
Chance...
...not planning.
You are where you are today because you've been comatose.
You've all lacked passion!
Act on those passions.
Succumb to your whim.
Forge a new being, goddamn it. Do something before it's too late!
Say yes to whim!
Say yes to chance! Say yes to chaos!
Paula, right?
Frank Allen. Are you still a, uh, time tamer?
Are you still a home-wrecking bitch?
Still gay?
What's with the cards?
What happened?
What, you don't remember, beasty-boy?
No.
It was terrible.
In a good way?
You passed out halfway in, so to speak.
Why is my pillow wet?
You cried in your sleep for two-and-a-half hours.
Whimpering like a little girl.
It was like soft hotel-porn...
...unsatisfying and sad.
- See you. - See you.
Hey, it's me.
I know this is the 33rd message I've left, but please call me, okay?
I need to talk to you, Frank.
Please.
Bye.
- Hello. - Hey.
Here you go.
- Thanks. - Have a good day.
Susan?
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- Stop. - You have to stop following me.
- And stop getting me flowers. - For chrissake, Susan.
Cut me some slack. I'm trying to do what's right.
- Okay. I'm trying to do what's not wrong. - It's already been done.
- But I love you, doesn't that count? - No.
Don't play the martyr with me. You're not alone in this.
- I'm just as smashed up as you are. - Then find your own hole to crawl into.
Well, what about Jesse? I mean, she's ours.
Jesse has nothing to do with you.
She hates me, doesn't she?
She doesn't know you well enough to hate you.
So if she knew me, then she'd hate me?
Buddy, what do you want?
My whole life people have been telling me I'm not responsible.
I'm not, you know? I haven't wanted to be.
But this is different.
I just desperately wanna do what's right.
What is right?
Hi.
Oh, God. I'm so...
I'm...
I'm sorry, Frank.
You know?
Yeah.
Why didn't you tell me?
It's hard to talk with a knife in your back, Susan.
No, come on, it wasn't like that.
It had to have happened before New Year's, after that night it was only you.
- No double-life? - No, sweetie, no. Never.
Do you know whose it is?
- She's not an "it," she's Jesse. - Do you know, Susan?
Yes.
She's yours, Frank. She's...
Maybe not medically...
...but in all other ways she's your daughter. You're her father.
Whose is she? Whose is she, Susan?
She's yours. She's yours.
She's yours. She's yours because...
Because when she had strep throat you held her through three nights of fever.
Yours because her first word was "Dad."
Because how scared you got when you thought you lost her...
...in the mall for 40 seconds.
Because of how happy you feel every time you open your eyes...
...and she's standing there looking at you.
She loves you, Frank. You love her. This is...
This is our home. It's our family. Come on, Frank.
Mommy.
I'm coming.
I'll be two seconds, okay?
Yeah.
- What is it, honey? - I had a bad dream.
Go back to sleep, okay?
Try to go back to sleep.
Frank?
Shit.
- Can I help you? - I'd like a weapon, a gun, preferably.
I need to shoot something tonight.
There's a three-day waiting period on all handguns...
...but I can sell you a shotgun, or a rifle, today.
I'll take one.
Great. What type?
- Uh... - What are you using it for?
- Hunting. - Hunting.
What are you hunting?
- Uh, duck. - Duck?
Yes. A huge duck.
Are you using a blind?
No. Uh...
No. I'd like to do this face to face.
This would be a solid choice for you, sir.
- Hello? - Hey, it's Damon.
Oh, hey. What's up?
Listen, Frank came by and picked up the key to the boathouse.
He was, uh, acting really weird. I almost didn't give it to him.
He said he found a faster way than cigarettes...
...and that maybe you should meet him up there?
I'm a little worried. Maybe I should go with you.
No, I'll take care of it. Thanks, Damon.
It's Buddy.
I think Frank might've gone up to the lake to try something rash.
I'm just gonna make sure he's all right. I'll call you when I get there.
That's amazing.
I was just gonna call you, and lo and behold, here you are.
Well, Damon told me you came up.
I thought maybe you could use a friend, you know? Someone to talk to.
Anything on your mind?
This thin mountain air can give people strange ideas, you know?
Ain't that the truth. No, nothing I can think of off the top of my head.
How about you?
- Me? - Anything you wanna tell me?
Not really, no.
Let's go for a boat ride.
So you finished with all those index cards? Has whim waned?
Ha, ha. Hell, no.
It was in the cards to come up here and accomplish something.
- What sort of something? - Something big.
- How big? - Oh. Biggest thing in my life.
Is the keyword here "life"?
- Could be. Definitely could be. - You don't wanna do anything drastic.
Don't I?
I mean, something you can't take back, you know? Final.
Oh, you mean something I'll regret.
You have to think of those who love you. I mean, think of your friends.
- Why my friends? - Because your actions affect them.
Oh, I'll give you that. Yeah.
One should always think of one's friends before considering...
...certain things.
That's profound of you, Buddy.
I suppose that "certain things" would test the limit of our friendship.
- Wouldn't you think? - Exactly.
Exactly.
- Aren't we getting out a little far? - Yeah, Buddy.
We're getting out a little far.
Frank? Buddy?
What the hell are we doing here, Frank?
- I think you know. - I won't let you.
Yeah? Well, why don't you try and stop me. Go ahead.
- Where the hell did you get that? - Who cares?
- I'm not shooting blanks this time. - Put it down.
- We can talk about this, can't we? - Let's just cut the shit.
- Don't start whimpering now. - Whimpering? Hey, it's your decision.
- Oh, that's generous of you. - It doesn't mean I agree with it.
Well, I would hope not!
Look, you can't do this to me, or you, I won't let you.
- You're gonna have to shoot me first. - There's a hell of an argument.
Give me that.
Come on.
Shooting me first was just a figure of speech.
Oh, shit. Oh, that went all the way through.
I don't think it's smart to put holes in things that sink or breathe.
But you're the one with the gun. I can appreciate that.
- Are you looking for something? - A lifejacket.
Son of a bitch!
Frank!
Frank! Frank, what the hell is going on?
Frank!
They're just dancing, Mommy.
Give me that.
We gotta get help, come on.
There! Go ahead, commit suicide now!
Suicide? You think I'm trying to commit suicide?
- Yeah. - You impossibly stupid man.
You philandering, dumba... Murder!
I'm trying to commit murder! You idiot!
Yeah, yeah, a boat. Um...
I... I don't know.
Yeah, I heard a rifle shot. You need to get out here, now, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Sweetie, I need you to stay in the cabin, okay? Just stay here.
Yeah, don't worry, you still have a chance to freeze to death.
No, I wanna kill you!
Well, if I knew what you obviously know, I'd wanna kill me too.
That's understanding of you.
I'm sorry.
Fuck you.
Mrs. Allen, you best wait inside.
Have you found them yet?
When I know something, you'll know something. Please, wait inside.
Do you even know where the hell we're going?
There's a footbridge up ahead.
The cabin's a mile from that.
They're searching for us.
- How do they know we're here? - I told Susan.
Do you love her?
Does it matter?
And Jesse?
She's just a kid.
What does that mean, Buddy?
I hardly know her.
What now?
I just, I thought if I did everything...
...for the now, that I could forget the past...
...and the past is who I am.
And I just, I don't... I...
How am I supposed to go back to Susan if I don't know how to forgive her?
Look. Uh, ahem.
I'm gonna disappear. Just, look, tell them that you lost me, okay?
No, Frank. No, I won't.
- Yeah. You owe me that! - No.
Owe you? I don't owe you anything!
And you know what? You're a freaking idiot!
I wish Susan had picked me.
I wish Susan loved me.
I wish Jesse thought of me as her father.
But all they do is love you.
God, I even love you.
I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm past feeling sad for anyone but myself.
So you know, stay out here if you want. Become one with nature, go hump Bigfoot.
But I'm going back into the cabin and getting warm.
God.
I think we got one over here.
Somebody get a blanket!
Where's Mr. Allen?
It's complicated.
Daddy!
You ever hear of chaos theory, Ed?
It's a science.
It tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems:
Weather, ocean currents, blood flow, that sort of thing.
Well, it turns out that there are few things...
...more chaotic than the beat of a human heart.
Speeding up, slowing down. A pretty face, a flight of stairs.
It's always changing depending on what's happening to us out there.
It's an erratic son of a bitch.
But underneath all of that bump-a-ta-bump mess, there is, in fact, a pattern.
A truth.
And it's love.
The most important thing about love is that we choose to give it...
...and we choose to receive it.
Making it the least random act in the entire universe.
It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal...
...and all the dirt that makes us human.
And if you can figure that out...
...the Jake Lees of the world got nothing on you.
Now, what's all this about?
Uh-oh.
Poor Ed, has Frank been torturing you with tales of love and war?
- Well, yes, ma'am. - You're gonna be late.
I'll see you in there.
Thanks.
- Have you been bad? - No.
A little bit.
Come on, let's go. Monster, we're gonna be late.
- You're beautiful. - I'm nervous, Daddy.
Jake loves you very much.
- Ed. - He loves you too, honey.
Friends, we have been invited here today...
...to share in a most important moment in the lives for Edward and Jessica.
In the time they've been together...