[ Laughter] [ Mac] Pretty crowded tonight, huh?
[ Dennis ] Yeah, well, it's Gugino's, you know-best restaurant in Philadelphia.
[ Mac] To our monthly dinner.
Monthly dinner, baby. I've been looking forward to this for... 29 days.
Me too. I did my hair good, and I wore two colognes.
Is that what that is? Mm-hmm.
That was an interesting choice, but I get it, dude. You're excited.
You are excited about tonight. Hey, hell, I'm excited tonight, you know?
♪♪ [ Latin ]
Not terribly excited about being near the kitchen though.
Really? It's where the action is.
Maybe we'll get lucky and watch one of these dumb-ass waiters...
spill spaghetti sauce all over himself.
Fall down or something. Okay, all right.
Well, let's not be childish. Let's- Let's keep it classy. You know, let's-
Classy. I can-I can do classy. I can be classy.
Mm-hmm.
Did you invite Frank and Charlie?
No, I didn't.
Hi. Hi.
How many will you guys be? Two. And give us a nice table.
Great. This is a big night for us.
We're celebrating our anniversary.
Or the anniversary of us moving in together,
which is like an anniver-It's been a long time.
It's an anniversary. That's what it is, really. Well, great.
Uh-Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Uh- Take that for yourself.
You can just hand that to me.
I was trying to feel your breast. I got that.
Yeah, but he was trying to feel your breast and
give you the tip so that we got a good table.
I want a good table. Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey!
Mac and Dennis are here. Should we sit with them?
Really? Mmm, Charlie, this is our night.
Yeah, but we could all celebrate it together. That'd be fun.
We can do our thing. They can do their thing.
I'm sure at some point they'll come over to pay tribute. We can say hi to them then.
That's weird. I know Charlie sees me,
but they seem to be sitting at their own table.
[ Dennis ] Well, good. Good. They should sit at their own table.
Look, I'm sure at some point they'll come over and they'll pay tribute to us.
They know it's our monthly dinner. We can say hi to them then.
[ Mac] Yeah. Still, seems kind of awkward though.
No, no. Look, we spend every waking minute together.
It'll be good for us to keep our distance for once.
It's one minor coincidence. Doesn't go any further than that.
Goddamn it.
♪♪ [ Speakers." Man Singing Opera ] Of all the goddamn nights.
[ Dee ] Can't believe they haven't come over to pay me tribute yet.
I was here first. I know they see me.
They're probably over there right now making fun of me.
I get it, guys.
You know what they're doing? They're calling me “Scarecrow.”
'Cause I'm all alone in the cornfields, scaring away the other birds.
Real funny. You know what? There's no shame in a woman, an adult woman,
taking herself out to dinner, enjoying her own company.
I'm not gonna leave. I'm not gonna leave because I don't have to,
and also I can't because I have a Groupon for this evening that expires tonight.
It does expire tonight, doesn't it?
Uh, yeah.
L- Yes, it does. I'm sorry. Geez.
Are you going to order now? Well, I'm trying to have a conversation with you.
Why don't you sit down for a little while, take a break.
Oh! Are you almost off? Are you off soon?
Should you sit and have dinner with me tonight? No. Got a long shift.
Uh, I cannot do that.
Uh, maybe I could at least get a drink order? We're really busy tonight.
Does the Groupon cover drinks? Nope.
Just the tap water then.
[ Inhales]
I can't believe this.
They still haven't paid tribute. It's been 1O minutes.
Not a wave, not a nod. Have you seen them do anything to acknowledge us?
I thought we agreed that we would not let it get to us. It's not getting to me.
It's just, you know, a little bit rude is all I'm saying.
It's, you know, irritating. Whatever. I don't care.
I'm-[ Sighs] I'm over it. Okay.
How good is their table though?
Oh. Um-Don't-Don't-Don't- Don't look directly at them.
Jesus Christ. Just glance around the room a little bit. You know, land on them.
Glance around the room? Yeah.
Too obvious!
How do you want me to look at them?
With your eyes. Just look with your eyes. Be subtle. Be small.
My eyes, they slant down. I don't have a good peripheral.
Just be- Can you just be subtle?
It's a good table. It's a good table.
- How'd they get a better table than us? - I don't know.
Dennis, can we just focus on us? Yeah.
It's our monthly dinner. Don't let them ruin it. Yeah.
Okay? I have some issues that I wanna talk to you-
Ah, shit. Really?
No, I-Look, let's-let's keep things light. I don't wanna get all heavy.
Let's not let tonight become more unpleasant than it's already become, okay?
I mean, already I'm irritated. I'm-
I'm already sitting on the wobbliest chair in the entire restaurant.
All right, we'll just ask the waiter for a book of matches.
I don't wanna sit on a pile of matches. I'll just scoot back.
It's fine. It's fine. Oh, but now I feel like...
you're sitting so far away from me.
It's gonna be fine. Okay.
This is a perfectly suitable distance for us to have our monthly dinner.
♪♪ [ Man Singing In Spanish ] Goddamn it!
I am so sorry. [ Shouts ] Are you?
- His chair's wobbly. - Oh. Okay.
Let me get you a book of matches to put under there.
I don't wanna sit on a pile of matches.
Dennis, it's not like your chair's gonna catch on fire.
Oh, Christ, I'm not worried about my chair catching on fire.
Look, sir, can you just get us a better table in general?
Unfortunately, no. We're fully booked tonight due to a Groupon deal.
Oh, that sounds excellent. We'll have one of those.
No, we won't. We don't need a coupon.
Frankly, I'm disappointed in you people. This is Gugino's.
You're supposed to be the nicest restaurant in Philadelphia.
Here I am, a regular, a full-paying customer,
and I'm sat by the kitchen on the wobbliest chair in Philadelphia,
you know, forced to eat dinner with this swarm of coupon-waving trash.
This is crazy. You know what? Forget it. Doesn't matter.
Get me a pile of matches to sit on. That'll be fine.
Okay. No, wait, wait, wait.
There's more.
There's an old, short, fat man here.
He sat with his young sleeping partner.
Bring them a glass of the house red from us. Of course.
Although the table did just order cocktails, so maybe-
I don't need their entire life story. Just go get the wine.
Okay-
Well, that was a nice gesture. Was it?
Charlie. Hmm?
Stop looking over there.
Can we just go over and say a quick hello, all right?
Then it's done with. There's no more awkwardness.
Charlie, I am the oldest one in the group.
If anybody's gonna say a quick hello, it's them to me.
I just feel like it's gonna become a bigger deal than it needs to be, you know?
Then forget it.
Yeah? This is our night, Charlie.
All right. Listen.
I prepared a few words for the evening.
All right? Okay.
All right. Charlie, I wanna talk about where we are,
where we've been and where we're going to be.
[ Chuckles ] Where are we going? Don't interrupt.
Living with you has... changed my life.
I-| used to be unaware-
- Hi. Sorry to bother you. - What are you doing, man?
I'm in the middle of something here. Get out of here.
Of course. I just wanted to deliver a glass of our house red...
from the two gentlemen near the kitchen. Beat it.
[ Charlie ] Well, great.
See, there's your tribute, Frank. Awesome.
No. Now can we go over and say a quick hello?
I'm in the middle of saying some words to you.
Yeah, but you said 'em, and they were weird, like-
How about I just stand and I bow? No. Ignore them.
This is ridiculous. I mean, that was a very nice gesture.
Was it? One glass of wine for two people, and the house red?
That wasn't nice. They're just trying to agitate us.
Hmm. Well, two can play at that game.
Hey. Ooh, hey!
You, help. Over here.
Me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. Please. Help.
Help me. Sit. Sit. Please sit. Help.
Is everything okay? No, everything's not okay.
There are men here, and they're watching me.
Oh, shit! Shh! Just look at me. Just look right at me.
Everything's gonna be fine, but I'm in a lot of shit. Okay? So I need your help.
Oh, good. You have a friend. Hi.
Can I take your order now? Yes.
I'm not with her. There is some shit going down right now.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
He's just-[Laughs] Please, let's order.
Look, you told me you was in trouble.
- I don't know what's happening here. - No, it's okay, I'm fine.
Do you wanna split an appetizer?
No. I don't need this shit.
Wait. Well-Ow.
You know, if you just order, we can get your food out really quickly...
and you wouldn't have to be embarrassed about being here alone for very long.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I-I'm gonna go ahead and order...
when I'm goddamn good and ready to order.
[ Laughing ]
Is that table having a meal...
consisting only of loud noise, screams and hollers?
Uh, they seem to be celebrating something.
Oh, it could be a tactical victory. What do you think?
Sure. Whom Okay.
How's the chair now? [Thumping ]
Still wobbly. Why don't you just get me a new chair?
I don't think it's the chair. You don't think it's the chair.
Well, maybe my old pal, uh, Abraham Lincoln begs to differ.
Oh, okay, yeah, uh- You can just hand it to me.
Hello. Your waiter. Great.
Hi. Can you get him a new chair, please?
Sure. Sure can. Oh! Oh!
Maybe this George Washington will make it come here faster.
Okay-
This wine is for you.
Ah. Management sent us a bottle to accommodate us.
Actually, it was your friends over at the other table.
And they wanted me to relay to you that it's our most expensive bottle.
They said to say that.
That's a classy move. I'm gonna stand up and bow.
No. Do not stand and bow.
Let me think. We've gotta do something in return.
Okay- I'll tell you what. [ Snickers ]
We'll send it back. You know?
We'll say we don't want that.
We'll tell them that-what is it- Chilean wine is out of season...
and that their taste in wine in general is very poor.
No, that's-We got to be more subtle than that.
I don't want them to know that we're thinking about them.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Are you staring at them?
Yeah, dude. Charlie's looking right at me.
[ Dennis ] Stop it. Dude, stop it.
Stop looking-Stop-
All right, you know what? Goddamn it, I'm just gonna pour the wine out.
Goddamn it! That son of a bitch is pouring out my wine.
Look, can you just let it go, Frank? Okay?
You're ruining this night for me, okay?
I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason for pouring out a glass of wine.
I wanna go over there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just like he had a perfectly good reason for not inviting you to dinner.
He had a good-
Wait. What do you mean by that?
[ Sighs ] Don't make me say it, Charlie.
I know you're not as dumb as you seem.
Well, let's just say that I am.
Those two guys don't give a shit about you, Charlie.
You bought a business together. They made you a janitor.
Th-They didn't make me a janitor. There was a-
Hmm? Oh, my God.
It's time to fire back.
[ Laughing ]
[ Dee ] Aw, I gotta get over there. [Waiter] Hi, ma'am.
Sorry to bug you again. Oh, my God. I'll just take a plate of spaghetti.
Oh, great. Didn't expect that.
Uh, actually, I was coming over to see if I could take your chair.
What? NO. what for? I'm trying to accommodate that gentleman over there.
[ Dee ] Oh, goddamn it. Oh, that's a dig.
All right, fine. Take the chair. But when
you're over there, tie his shoelaces together.
You want me to... tie a customer's shoelaces together?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm in the biz, guy. I'm a waitress, okay?
Look, let's team up and stick it to that guy. It'll be hilarious.
I would lose my job. [Whining ]
“Oh, no. I-l would lose my job,
and I wouldn't be able to work at Gugino's anymore,
and my family, they'd be so disappointed...
'cause they're currently so proud of my accomplishments.”
I mean, God, lighten up, guy. [ Laughing ]
I'm gonna take the chair.
Fine. Take the goddamn chair. Just don't make a big scene.
[ Chair Squeaking ]
[Squeaking Continues]
How's the new chair? Oh, it's terrible, Mac. Thank you for asking.
It might be worse than the first one.
I mean, I cannot find a single flat spot in this entire restaurant.
Maybe that's it. ♪♪ [Salsa]
Goddamn it! This entire night is ruined.
Dude, Stop it! Okay?
You're the one who's ruining this. I am enjoying myself.
I'm enjoying our table. I'm trying to start the conversations.
I wore two colognes.
Oh, I'm very aware of how much cologne you're wearing, Mac.
It's overwhelming me.
Every time the goddamn kitchen door opens, it wafts into my face.
Hey, I like the way I smell. And I like me.
And I haven't even gotten to talk about what I wanted to talk about,
which is an issue that has been weighing on me, so I'm just gonna say it, okay?
[ Sighs ]
When I wanted to get the karaoke machine for our apartment,
you laughed in my face.
That's what this is about? Yes.
The karaoke machine? Mac, you can't sing.
It's not about singing! Okay?
It's about you always putting me down. And you know what?
I don't care. It doesn't matter. I'm out of here.
Where you going?
[ Sighs ] I'm gonna go sit with Frank and Charlie.
Do not go to them. No, sit down. Sit.
Sit!
Say something nice to me.
What?
I'm not going to sit down until you say something nice to me...
for once in your life.
[ Sighs ]
Your hair looks small.
Oh, for- Okay, okay, okay, Mac.
All right, sit down. Sit, please. Sit.
Please sit down.
Okay, listen. Listen.
You remember that night at Dooley's pool party?
On that fine summer eve...
when I did that double jackknife twist and blew everybody's tits off?
You remember that?
And then I went down on Chrissie Orlando on the trampoline later that night?
You're just complimenting yourself.
No, listen. I'm going somewhere with this.
The only reason I was even able to attempt that amazing feat of courage was...
because I knew if I failed, you would-
[Glass Clinking ] [ Frank ] Everybody.
Hello. All the patrons of Gugino's, listen up.
- Hi, everybody. - Frank Reynolds, Charlie Kelly.
We would like to make a toast.
Now, in front of you, you each see, you have a glass of Sambuca.
- Yeah. Okay. Everyone got it? - You see this white, beautiful drink?
[ Charlie ] Yeah. Dude, everybody has Sambuca but us.
Now, we have an American hero tonight.
So quick round of applause for our troop here.
Nice-looking fella.
And to anyone who does not have a glass of Sambuca-Look around now.
You'll see them. Those people refuse to drink.
[ Frank ] Yeah. They don't know how to pay tribute.
They hate America. They hate the troops. Mmm.
They hate the people who work hardest for them.
They turn them into janitors. Mmm.
It's not right. Ah!
Damn 'em to hell. To the troops!
[ Frank ] To the troops! [All ] Cheers!
To America!
Good job, fellas! We did it!
♪♪ [ Piano: “Stars and Stripes Forever” ]
This is unbelievable, Mac.
I know, and they totally ruined our heartfelt moment.
Now, there's a way we can get it back if you just kind of jump-
No, you fool! That time has passed.
Can't you see they're humiliating us?
Just tell me what you were gonna tell me. I'm not gonna stand for this.
Just-Dennis-Come on, man! Goddamn it!
Ma'am? Mm-hmm?
Please return to your table.
You know what? I'm gonna sit next to the hero.
I used to date a troop. He was crazy for jean shorts.
Attention. Uh, attention, everyone, please.
If I could have your attention momentarily. Thank you.
We do have an American hero in the house tonight.
A strong man, a brave man.
He's the kind of man who knows exactly who he is.
He doesn't hide under a toupee.
He faces his challenges instead of just retreating to the sewers, nude,
to forage for rings and coins.
Or to the toilets.
Or to a life filled with rats.
He's the kind of man who gives me the courage...
to do an amazing double jackknife twist, which I did.
Most of you people wouldn't even attempt that. I did it.
And to go down on Chrissie Orlando...
on the trampoline later on the very same night,
which I also did.
And I licked her asshole a little bit.
It was pretty good. It was all right.
It wasn't great, but it was fine.
And I knew that it was gonna be fine...
because this guy would be here to catch me if I faltered.
Yeah. The world is a safer place when he's around.
♪♪ [ Piano: Soft]
♪ Did you ever know that you're my hero? ♪
♪ 'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings ♪♪
Thank you. Thanks.
[ Scattered Applause ]
Wow, dude. I mean, that was so touching. Oh.
That's an amazing thing you said about the troop.
Now, can we get back to the karaoke machine? I was talking about you.
That was about me? Yes. He wasn't there when I went down on Chrissie Orlando.
I did not get that at all. I'm so-
Dennis, that's really sweet. Thank you. I'm sorry.
What is happening? Is it freezing in here all of a sudden?
Yeah. And it's freezing. Air is blowing directly on us.
What- I mean, what has happened?
Those goddamn sons of bitches. They turned up the A/C.
Because they knew we were sitting right underneath a vent.
[ Fist Pounds Table ] They're trying to freeze us out.
I didn't have your back before, but now I'm gonna be the wind beneath your wings.
I'm gonna smash this over their goddamn heads.
Yes, Mac. Yes! Yes!
And I'm gonna blast 'em with this fire extinguisher.
Okay, I'll toss hot soup in their faces.
I'll pinch their dicks with this lobster. Let's do it.
What are you people doing?
Excuse me. Excuse me. What are you people doing?
Oh!
[ Patrons Gasp]
Son a bitch!
[ Laughing ]
Hey, his shoelaces are tied together.
- [ Charlie ] Oh, my God! - Somebody tied his shoelaces together.
- [ Charlie ] His shoes are tied. - Spaghetti on the waiter.
- I've wanted to see that all night long. - [ Dennis ] Yes. Yes.
Oh, my God. Who do we have to thank for this?
Who?
- Oops. - [ Frank ] Deandra did it?
- [ Charlie ] Dee did it! - It was Dee!
- Have you been here this entire time? - Yeah, the whole time.
Oh, great joke, Dee. Great joke.
Oh, Dee. Classic. Hey. Salut.
[ Frank ] Salut. Salut.
Guys? Guys, I'm really hurt.
[ Cackling ] [ Dennis ] Let's get a table.
I wanna hear some jokes out of you tonight.
You guys gotta-Do you wanna try this coat on?
It's gonna look good on you, man. Pop that thing on.
[ Man ] ♪ Like you've had too much wine ♪
♪ That's amore ♪
♪ Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling ♪
♪ And you 'll sing “Vita bella” ♪
♪ Hearts will play TiPPY-TiPPY-Tay, TiPPY-TiPPY-TEY ♪
♪ Like a gay tarantella ♪
♪ When the stars make you drool ♪
♪ Just like pasta fazool ♪
♪ That's amore ♪♪
[ Voices Speaking Backward]