1
00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:06,682
[ Laughter] [ Mac] Pretty
crowded tonight, huh?
2
00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:09,536
[ Dennis ] Yeah, well, it's Gugino's, you
know-best restaurant in Philadelphia.
3
00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:11,324
[ Mac]
To our monthly dinner.
4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:15,769
Monthly dinner, baby. I've been looking
forward to this for... 29 days.
5
00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,730
Me too. I did my hair good,
and I wore two colognes.
6
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,365
Is that what that is?
Mm-hmm.
7
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,080
That was an interesting choice,
but I get it, dude. You're excited.
8
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,567
You are excited about tonight. Hey,
hell, I'm excited tonight, you know?
9
00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:28,165
♪♪ [ Latin ]
10
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,456
Not terribly excited about
being near the kitchen though.
11
00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,164
Really?
It's where the action is.
12
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,416
Maybe we'll get lucky and watch
one of these dumb-ass waiters...
13
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:35,960
spill spaghetti sauce
all over himself.
14
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,281
Fall down or something.
Okay, all right.
15
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,364
Well, let's not be childish. Let's-
Let's keep it classy. You know, let's-
16
00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,364
Classy. I can-I can do classy.
I can be classy.
17
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,970
Mm-hmm.
18
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:48,842
Did you invite
Frank and Charlie?
19
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,410
No, I didn't.
20
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:51,965
Hi.
Hi.
21
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,731
How many will you guys be? Two.
And give us a nice table.
22
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,410
Great.
This is a big night for us.
23
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,403
We're celebrating
our anniversary.
24
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,140
Or the anniversary of
us moving in together,
25
00:01:00,152 --> 00:01:01,936
which is like an anniver-It's
been a long time.
26
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:05,009
It's an anniversary. That's what
it is, really. Well, great.
27
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,930
Uh-Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Uh-
Take that for yourself.
28
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,048
You can just hand that to me.
29
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,640
I was trying to feel your breast.
I got that.
30
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,627
Yeah, but he was trying
to feel your breast and
31
00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:16,440
give you the tip so that
we got a good table.
32
00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:19,484
I want a good table.
Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey!
33
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,728
Mac and Dennis are here.
Should we sit with them?
34
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:25,247
Really? Mmm, Charlie,
this is our night.
35
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:27,926
Yeah, but we could all celebrate
it together. That'd be fun.
36
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,968
We can do our thing.
They can do their thing.
37
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,761
I'm sure at some point they'll come over to
pay tribute. We can say hi to them then.
38
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,605
That's weird.
I know Charlie sees me,
39
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,967
but they seem to be sitting
at their own table.
40
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,964
[ Dennis ] Well, good. Good. They
should sit at their own table.
41
00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,129
Look, I'm sure at some point they'll
come over and they'll pay tribute to us.
42
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,726
They know it's our monthly dinner.
We can say hi to them then.
43
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,451
[ Mac] Yeah. Still, seems
kind of awkward though.
44
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,285
No, no. Look, we spend
every waking minute together.
45
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,408
It'll be good for us to
keep our distance for once.
46
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:59,690
It's one minor coincidence.
Doesn't go any further than that.
47
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,923
Goddamn it.
48
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,725
♪♪ [ Speakers." Man Singing Opera ]
Of all the goddamn nights.
49
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,376
[ Dee ] Can't believe they haven't
come over to pay me tribute yet.
50
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,641
I was here first.
I know they see me.
51
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,882
They're probably over there
right now making fun of me.
52
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,450
I get it, guys.
53
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,736
You know what they're doing?
They're calling me “Scarecrow.”
54
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,604
'Cause I'm all alone in the cornfields,
scaring away the other birds.
55
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,321
Real funny. You know what? There's
no shame in a woman, an adult woman,
56
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,131
taking herself out to dinner,
enjoying her own company.
57
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,576
I'm not gonna leave. I'm not gonna
leave because I don't have to,
58
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:56,844
and also I can't because I have a Groupon
for this evening that expires tonight.
59
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:59,526
It does expire tonight,
doesn't it?
60
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,364
Uh, yeah.
61
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:03,562
L- Yes, it does. I'm sorry.
Geez.
62
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:08,049
Are you going to order now? Well, I'm
trying to have a conversation with you.
63
00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,691
Why don't you sit down for a
little while, take a break.
64
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:12,364
Oh! Are you almost off?
Are you off soon?
65
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,200
Should you sit and have dinner with
me tonight? No. Got a long shift.
66
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:16,810
Uh, I cannot do that.
67
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,282
Uh, maybe I could at least get a drink
order? We're really busy tonight.
68
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,368
Does the Groupon cover drinks?
Nope.
69
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,442
Just the tap water then.
70
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,844
[ Inhales]
71
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:28,888
I can't believe this.
72
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,936
They still haven't paid tribute.
It's been 1O minutes.
73
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,800
Not a wave, not a nod. Have you seen
them do anything to acknowledge us?
74
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:37,322
I thought we agreed that we would not let
it get to us. It's not getting to me.
75
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,616
It's just, you know, a little
bit rude is all I'm saying.
76
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,416
It's, you know, irritating.
Whatever. I don't care.
77
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,602
I'm-[ Sighs] I'm over it. Okay.
78
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,762
How good is their table though?
79
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,042
Oh. Um-Don't-Don't-Don't-
Don't look directly at them.
80
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,761
Jesus Christ. Just glance around the room
a little bit. You know, land on them.
81
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,928
Glance around the room?
Yeah.
82
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,005
Too obvious!
83
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,730
How do you want me
to look at them?
84
00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,286
With your eyes. Just look with your eyes.
Be subtle. Be small.
85
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,886
My eyes, they slant down.
I don't have a good peripheral.
86
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,201
Just be-
Can you just be subtle?
87
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,931
It's a good table.
It's a good table.
88
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,685
- How'd they get a better table than us?
- I don't know.
89
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,404
Dennis, can we just focus on us?
Yeah.
90
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,536
It's our monthly dinner. Don't
let them ruin it. Yeah.
91
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,882
Okay? I have some issues
that I wanna talk to you-
92
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,564
Ah, shit. Really?
93
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,849
No, I-Look, let's-let's keep things
light. I don't wanna get all heavy.
94
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,447
Let's not let tonight become more
unpleasant than it's already become, okay?
95
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,204
I mean, already
I'm irritated. I'm-
96
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,736
I'm already sitting on the wobbliest
chair in the entire restaurant.
97
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,331
All right, we'll just ask the
waiter for a book of matches.
98
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,736
I don't wanna sit on a pile of matches.
I'll just scoot back.
99
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,762
It's fine. It's fine.
Oh, but now I feel like...
100
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,291
you're sitting
so far away from me.
101
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:40,970
It's gonna be fine.
Okay.
102
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,376
This is a perfectly suitable distance
for us to have our monthly dinner.
103
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:44,976
♪♪ [ Man Singing In Spanish ]
Goddamn it!
104
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,729
I am so sorry. [
Shouts ] Are you?
105
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,848
- His chair's wobbly.
- Oh. Okay.
106
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,968
Let me get you a book of
matches to put under there.
107
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,883
I don't wanna sit
on a pile of matches.
108
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,327
Dennis, it's not like your
chair's gonna catch on fire.
109
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:58,125
Oh, Christ, I'm not worried about
my chair catching on fire.
110
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,204
Look, sir, can you just get us
a better table in general?
111
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,529
Unfortunately, no. We're fully booked
tonight due to a Groupon deal.
112
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,762
Oh, that sounds excellent.
We'll have one of those.
113
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,808
No, we won't.
We don't need a coupon.
114
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,056
Frankly, I'm disappointed in you people.
This is Gugino's.
115
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,136
You're supposed to be the nicest
restaurant in Philadelphia.
116
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,401
Here I am, a regular,
a full-paying customer,
117
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,324
and I'm sat by the kitchen on the
wobbliest chair in Philadelphia,
118
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:22,405
you know, forced to eat dinner with
this swarm of coupon-waving trash.
119
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,680
This is crazy. You know what?
Forget it. Doesn't matter.
120
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,927
Get me a pile of matches to sit on.
That'll be fine.
121
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,963
Okay.
No, wait, wait, wait.
122
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:30,690
There's more.
123
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,603
There's an old, short,
fat man here.
124
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,524
He sat with his young
sleeping partner.
125
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:39,042
Bring them a glass of the
house red from us. Of course.
126
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,282
Although the table did just
order cocktails, so maybe-
127
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,165
I don't need their entire life story.
Just go get the wine.
128
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,044
Okay-
129
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,243
Well, that was a nice gesture.
Was it?
130
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:53,684
Charlie.
Hmm?
131
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,330
Stop looking over there.
132
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,528
Can we just go over and say
a quick hello, all right?
133
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,136
Then it's done with.
There's no more awkwardness.
134
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,925
Charlie, I am the oldest one
in the group.
135
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,651
If anybody's gonna say a quick
hello, it's them to me.
136
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:08,207
I just feel like it's gonna become a
bigger deal than it needs to be, you know?
137
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,408
Then forget it.
138
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,921
Yeah?
This is our night, Charlie.
139
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,690
All right.
Listen.
140
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,808
I prepared a few words
for the evening.
141
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,365
All right?
Okay.
142
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,849
All right. Charlie, I wanna
talk about where we are,
143
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,890
where we've been
and where we're going to be.
144
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,480
[ Chuckles ] Where are we going?
Don't interrupt.
145
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:35,924
Living with you has...
changed my life.
147
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:37,804
I-| used to be unaware-
148
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,929
- Hi. Sorry to bother you.
- What are you doing, man?
149
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,056
I'm in the middle of something here.
Get out of here.
150
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,560
Of course. I just wanted to deliver
a glass of our house red...
151
00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,007
from the two gentlemen
near the kitchen. Beat it.
152
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,090
[ Charlie ]
Well, great.
153
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,810
See, there's your tribute, Frank.
Awesome.
154
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,843
No. Now can we go over
and say a quick hello?
155
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:57,656
I'm in the middle of saying
some words to you.
156
00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,640
Yeah, but you said 'em,
and they were weird, like-
157
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,690
How about I just stand and I bow?
No. Ignore them.
158
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,128
This is ridiculous. I mean,
that was a very nice gesture.
159
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,807
Was it? One glass of wine for
two people, and the house red?
160
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,123
That wasn't nice. They're
just trying to agitate us.
161
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:17,842
Hmm. Well, two can play
at that game.
162
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,367
Hey. Ooh, hey!
163
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,408
You, help.
Over here.
164
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,682
Me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you.
Please. Help.
165
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,201
Help me. Sit. Sit.
Please sit. Help.
166
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,448
Is everything okay?
No, everything's not okay.
167
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,443
There are men here,
and they're watching me.
168
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,807
Oh, shit! Shh! Just look at me.
Just look right at me.
169
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:42,248
Everything's gonna be fine, but I'm in a
lot of shit. Okay? So I need your help.
170
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,561
Oh, good.
You have a friend. Hi.
171
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,842
Can I take your order now? Yes.
172
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:50,811
I'm not with her. There is some
shit going down right now.
173
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:52,405
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
174
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,847
He's just-[Laughs]
Please, let's order.
175
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,729
Look, you told me
you was in trouble.
176
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,856
- I don't know what's happening here.
- No, it's okay, I'm fine.
177
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,484
Do you wanna split an appetizer?
178
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,166
No. I don't need this shit.
179
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:04,969
Wait. Well-Ow.
180
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,203
You know, if you just order, we can
get your food out really quickly...
181
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:12,365
and you wouldn't have to be embarrassed
about being here alone for very long.
182
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,936
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I-I'm gonna go ahead and order...
183
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,167
when I'm goddamn
good and ready to order.
184
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,405
[ Laughing ]
185
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,682
Is that table having a meal...
186
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,889
consisting only of loud
noise, screams and hollers?
187
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:30,009
Uh, they seem to be
celebrating something.
188
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,136
Oh, it could be a tactical victory.
What do you think?
189
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,083
Sure.
Whom Okay.
190
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,402
How's the chair now?
[Thumping ]
191
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,960
Still wobbly. Why don't you
just get me a new chair?
192
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,691
I don't think it's the chair.
You don't think it's the chair.
193
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:45,845
Well, maybe my old pal, uh,
Abraham Lincoln begs to differ.
194
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,327
Oh, okay, yeah, uh-
You can just hand it to me.
195
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,488
Hello.
Your waiter. Great.
196
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,210
Hi. Can you get him a
new chair, please?
197
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:53,770
Sure. Sure can.
Oh! Oh!
198
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:58,323
Maybe this George Washington
will make it come here faster.
199
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,965
Okay-
200
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:07,891
This wine is for you.
201
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,361
Ah. Management sent us
a bottle to accommodate us.
202
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:13,046
Actually, it was your friends
over at the other table.
203
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:17,409
And they wanted me to relay to you
that it's our most expensive bottle.
204
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,767
They said to say that.
205
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,491
That's a classy move.
I'm gonna stand up and bow.
206
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:24,608
No. Do not stand and bow.
207
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,081
Let me think. We've gotta
do something in return.
208
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,245
Okay- I'll tell you what.
[ Snickers ]
210
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,049
We'll send it back.
You know?
211
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:33,770
We'll say we don't want that.
212
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:37,322
We'll tell them that-what is it-
Chilean wine is out of season...
213
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:40,324
and that their taste in wine
in general is very poor.
214
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,482
No, that's-We got to be
more subtle than that.
215
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,816
I don't want them to know that
we're thinking about them.
216
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,808
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
217
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:47,941
Are you staring at them?
218
00:09:47,953 --> 00:09:49,850
Yeah, dude. Charlie's
looking right at me.
219
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,729
[ Dennis ] Stop it.
Dude, stop it.
220
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,723
Stop looking-Stop-
221
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,929
All right, you know what? Goddamn it,
I'm just gonna pour the wine out.
222
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,204
Goddamn it! That son of a
bitch is pouring out my wine.
223
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,523
Look, can you just
let it go, Frank? Okay?
224
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,284
You're ruining this night
for me, okay?
225
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,096
I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason
for pouring out a glass of wine.
226
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:11,724
I wanna go over there.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
227
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,616
Just like he had a perfectly good
reason for not inviting you to dinner.
228
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,404
He had a good-
229
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,006
Wait.
What do you mean by that?
230
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,242
[ Sighs ]
Don't make me say it, Charlie.
231
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,322
I know you're not as dumb
as you seem.
232
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,764
Well, let's just say that I am.
233
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,650
Those two guys don't give
a shit about you, Charlie.
234
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,371
You bought a business together.
They made you a janitor.
235
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,442
Th-They didn't make me a janitor.
There was a-
236
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:38,245
Hmm?
Oh, my God.
237
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,282
It's time to fire back.
238
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:49,605
[ Laughing ]
239
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,246
[ Dee ] Aw, I gotta get over there.
[Waiter] Hi, ma'am.
240
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,976
Sorry to bug you again. Oh, my God.
I'll just take a plate of spaghetti.
241
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,843
Oh, great.
Didn't expect that.
242
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,651
Uh, actually, I was coming over to
see if I could take your chair.
243
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:03,361
What? NO. what for? I'm trying to
accommodate that gentleman over there.
244
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,920
[ Dee ] Oh, goddamn it.
Oh, that's a dig.
245
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,765
All right, fine. Take the chair.
But when
246
00:11:07,777 --> 00:11:09,766
you're over there, tie
his shoelaces together.
247
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,764
You want me to... tie a
customer's shoelaces together?
248
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,640
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm in the
biz, guy. I'm a waitress, okay?
249
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,849
Look, let's team up and stick it
to that guy. It'll be hilarious.
250
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,850
I would lose my job.
[Whining ]
251
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,321
“Oh, no.
I-l would lose my job,
252
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,482
and I wouldn't be able
to work at Gugino's anymore,
253
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,244
and my family,
they'd be so disappointed...
254
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,416
'cause they're currently
so proud of my accomplishments.”
255
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,808
I mean, God, lighten up, guy.
[ Laughing ]
256
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:36,490
I'm gonna take the chair.
257
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,040
Fine. Take the goddamn chair.
Just don't make a big scene.
258
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:43,921
[ Chair Squeaking ]
259
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,488
[Squeaking Continues]
260
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,771
How's the new chair? Oh, it's
terrible, Mac. Thank you for asking.
261
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,922
It might be worse
than the first one.
262
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,721
I mean, I cannot find a single flat
spot in this entire restaurant.
263
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,325
Maybe that's it.
♪♪ [Salsa]
264
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:03,291
Goddamn it!
This entire night is ruined.
265
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,408
Dude, Stop it! Okay?
266
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,450
You're the one who's ruining this.
I am enjoying myself.
267
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,524
I'm enjoying our table. I'm trying
to start the conversations.
268
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,090
I wore two colognes.
269
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,766
Oh, I'm very aware of how much
cologne you're wearing, Mac.
270
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,370
It's overwhelming me.
271
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,364
Every time the goddamn kitchen
door opens, it wafts into my face.
272
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,967
Hey, I like the way I smell.
And I like me.
273
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,442
And I haven't even gotten to talk
about what I wanted to talk about,
274
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,576
which is an issue that has been weighing
on me, so I'm just gonna say it, okay?
275
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,090
[ Sighs ]
276
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,925
When I wanted to get the karaoke
machine for our apartment,
277
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,571
you laughed in my face.
278
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,490
That's what this is about? Yes.
279
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,006
The karaoke machine?
Mac, you can't sing.
280
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,560
It's not about singing!
Okay?
281
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,371
It's about you always putting me down.
And you know what?
282
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,442
I don't care. It doesn't matter.
I'm out of here.
283
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,045
Where you going?
284
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,122
[ Sighs ] I'm gonna go sit
with Frank and Charlie.
285
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,601
Do not go to them.
No, sit down. Sit.
286
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,205
Sit!
287
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,363
Say something nice to me.
288
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,283
What?
289
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,489
I'm not going to sit down until
you say something nice to me...
290
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,881
for once in your life.
291
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,247
[ Sighs ]
292
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,641
Your hair looks small.
293
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,802
Oh, for-
Okay, okay, okay, Mac.
294
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,565
All right, sit down.
Sit, please. Sit.
295
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,130
Please sit down.
296
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,247
Okay, listen. Listen.
297
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,641
You remember that night
at Dooley's pool party?
298
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,210
On that fine summer eve...
299
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,896
when I did that double jackknife
twist and blew everybody's tits off?
300
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,524
You remember that?
301
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,176
And then I went down on Chrissie Orlando
on the trampoline later that night?
302
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:39,645
You're just
complimenting yourself.
303
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:42,246
No, listen. I'm going
somewhere with this.
304
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:46,803
The only reason I was even able to attempt
that amazing feat of courage was...
305
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,002
because I knew if I failed,
you would-
306
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,082
[Glass Clinking ] [
Frank ] Everybody.
307
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,771
Hello. All the patrons
of Gugino's, listen up.
308
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:58,481
- Hi, everybody.
- Frank Reynolds, Charlie Kelly.
309
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,483
We would like to make a toast.
310
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,882
Now, in front of you, you each
see, you have a glass of Sambuca.
311
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,616
- Yeah. Okay. Everyone got it?
- You see this white, beautiful drink?
312
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:09,291
[ Charlie ] Yeah. Dude,
everybody has Sambuca but us.
313
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,283
Now, we have
an American hero tonight.
314
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,284
So quick round of applause
for our troop here.
315
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,169
Nice-looking fella.
316
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:21,207
And to anyone who does not have a
glass of Sambuca-Look around now.
317
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,011
You'll see them.
Those people refuse to drink.
318
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,606
[ Frank ] Yeah. They don't
know how to pay tribute.
319
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,240
They hate America. They
hate the troops. Mmm.
320
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,800
They hate the people
who work hardest for them.
321
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,241
They turn them into janitors.
Mmm.
322
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,766
It's not right. Ah!
323
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,684
Damn 'em to hell.
To the troops!
324
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,087
[ Frank ] To the troops!
[All ] Cheers!
325
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,565
To America!
326
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,881
Good job, fellas!
We did it!
327
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,803
♪♪ [ Piano: “Stars and Stripes Forever” ]
328
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,450
This is unbelievable, Mac.
329
00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:53,046
I know, and they totally
ruined our heartfelt moment.
330
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,130
Now, there's a way we can get it
back if you just kind of jump-
331
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,965
No, you fool!
That time has passed.
332
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,530
Can't you see they're
humiliating us?
333
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,336
Just tell me what you were gonna tell me.
I'm not gonna stand for this.
334
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,840
Just-Dennis-Come on, man!
Goddamn it!
335
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:06,967
Ma'am?
Mm-hmm?
336
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,246
Please return to your table.
337
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,288
You know what?
I'm gonna sit next to the hero.
338
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,887
I used to date a troop.
He was crazy for jean shorts.
339
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,440
Attention.
Uh, attention, everyone, please.
340
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:20,121
If I could have your attention
momentarily. Thank you.
341
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,646
We do have an American hero
in the house tonight.
342
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,644
A strong man, a brave man.
343
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:29,725
He's the kind of man
who knows exactly who he is.
344
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,607
He doesn't hide under a toupee.
345
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:38,208
He faces his challenges instead of just
retreating to the sewers, nude,
346
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,362
to forage for rings and coins.
347
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,730
Or to the toilets.
348
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,849
Or to a life filled with rats.
349
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:51,242
He's the kind of man
who gives me the courage...
350
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,961
to do an amazing double
jackknife twist, which I did.
351
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,123
Most of you people wouldn't
even attempt that. I did it.
352
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,804
And to go down
on Chrissie Orlando...
353
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,882
on the trampoline later
on the very same night,
354
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,088
which I also did.
355
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,561
And I licked her asshole
a little bit.
356
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,369
It was pretty good.
It was all right.
357
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,841
It wasn't great,
but it was fine.
358
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,366
And I knew that it
was gonna be fine...
359
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:17,889
because this guy would be here
to catch me if I faltered.
360
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:22,409
Yeah. The world is a safer place
when he's around.
361
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,448
♪♪ [ Piano: Soft]
362
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:32,166
♪ Did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪
363
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:38,088
♪ 'Cause you are the wind
beneath my wings ♪♪
364
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:42,044
Thank you. Thanks.
365
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:46,091
[ Scattered Applause ]
366
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,651
Wow, dude. I mean, that
was so touching. Oh.
367
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,200
That's an amazing thing
you said about the troop.
368
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,290
Now, can we get back to the karaoke
machine? I was talking about you.
369
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:01,689
That was about me? Yes. He wasn't there
when I went down on Chrissie Orlando.
370
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,683
I did not get that at all.
I'm so-
371
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,848
Dennis, that's really sweet.
Thank you. I'm sorry.
372
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,241
What is happening? Is it freezing
in here all of a sudden?
373
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,409
Yeah. And it's freezing. Air
is blowing directly on us.
374
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,164
What-
I mean, what has happened?
375
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,724
Those goddamn sons of bitches.
They turned up the A/C.
376
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:20,776
Because they knew we were
sitting right underneath a vent.
377
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,007
[ Fist Pounds Table ] They're
trying to freeze us out.
378
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,766
I didn't have your back before, but now
I'm gonna be the wind beneath your wings.
379
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,241
I'm gonna smash this
over their goddamn heads.
380
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:31,124
Yes, Mac. Yes! Yes!
381
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,363
And I'm gonna blast 'em
with this fire extinguisher.
382
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,408
Okay, I'll toss hot soup
in their faces.
383
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,046
I'll pinch their dicks with this lobster.
Let's do it.
384
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,649
What are you people doing?
385
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:55,126
Excuse me. Excuse me.
What are you people doing?
386
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,770
Oh!
387
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,569
[ Patrons Gasp]
388
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,284
Son a bitch!
389
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:06,882
[ Laughing ]
390
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,846
Hey, his shoelaces
are tied together.
391
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,976
- [ Charlie ] Oh, my God!
- Somebody tied his shoelaces together.
392
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,856
- [ Charlie ] His shoes are tied.
- Spaghetti on the waiter.
393
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,486
- I've wanted to see that all night long.
- [ Dennis ] Yes. Yes.
394
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,656
Oh, my God. Who do we
have to thank for this?
395
00:18:20,668 --> 00:18:21,370
Who?
396
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,841
- Oops. - [ Frank
] Deandra did it?
397
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,490
- [ Charlie ] Dee did it!
- It was Dee!
398
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:28,211
- Have you been here this entire time?
- Yeah, the whole time.
399
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,328
Oh, great joke, Dee.
Great joke.
400
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,880
Oh, Dee. Classic.
Hey. Salut.
401
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,480
[ Frank ] Salut. Salut.
402
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:38,291
Guys? Guys, I'm really hurt.
403
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,976
[ Cackling ] [ Dennis
] Let's get a table.
404
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,048
I wanna hear some jokes
out of you tonight.
405
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,327
You guys gotta-Do you
wanna try this coat on?
406
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,687
It's gonna look good on you, man.
Pop that thing on.
407
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,410
[ Man ] ♪ Like you've
had too much wine ♪
408
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,410
♪ That's amore ♪
409
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,282
♪ Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling,
ting-a-ling-a-ling ♪
410
00:18:56,360 --> 00:19:02,561
♪ And you 'll sing
“Vita bella” ♪
411
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:06,167
♪ Hearts will play
TiPPY-TiPPY-Tay, TiPPY-TiPPY-TEY ♪
412
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:09,847
♪ Like a gay tarantella ♪
413
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,047
♪ When the stars
make you drool ♪
414
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,327
♪ Just like
pasta fazool ♪
415
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,768
♪ That's amore ♪♪
416
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,770
[ Voices Speaking Backward]