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(phone ringing) CHARLIE: Frank, pick up!
Pick up, buddy, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up!
FRANK: Hello! I got a Code Red, here, pal.
I got a Code Red. I just got tipped off that the
health inspector's coming today! The guy's gonna be here in like
15 minutes. They're pulling a fast one on
us! Okay, I got the place looking
pretty good already, 'cause I was anticipating something like
this, but do me a favor. Make sure no one is in the bar
today, okay? I cannot have those guys in here
making a mess, you got it? (chickens clucking)
Oh, shit.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.MY-SUBS.com
(chickens clucking)
What the hell is this?
Why are there chickens everywhere?
DENNIS: No time to explain it to you, you wouldn't get it anyway.
What are you painting?
It's a new sign.
Okay? Look.
"Carmine's: A Place for Steaks."
What? No, I can't have you put that sign up.
The health inspector's coming, like, any minute!
So what?
So what? So we're not Carmine's.
Look, I can't have them see the sign.
(chicken clucking)
MAC: Who gives a shit?
We always get a passing grade.
Yeah, we get a passing grade
because I bust my ass to make
sure that happens, okay?
And we don't pretend that we're a restaurant!
Look, this is (bleep) crazy! No sign!
No, we're using the sign, because the sign's a big part of
the plan. What is the plan?
What is happening? Charlie, we found a loophole
in the system. DEE: Yeah, it's a closing
loophole; it involves airline miles and points.
You're doing a chicken and airline miles scam today?
Look, it is a great plan, okay?
We do not have a ton of time to explain it to you, we're busy...
Okay, fine, whatever, I get it, I get it.
No, you don't. It's a good plan, Charlie.
Frank, Jesus Christ, man, where are your shoes?
I lost 'em in the bathroom. All right, goddamn it.
I gotta think here. Okay, here's what we're gonna
do. We gotta get all these chickens
and coops and feathers and everything in the back office.
Now! Go! Why the hell would we do
that? Well, I assume you don't want
a health inspector seeing anything about a chicken "scam"
you're trying to pull off. That's a good point.
All right, yeah, fine. But don't pretend like you
understand the plan, 'cause that's gonna piss me off.
Okay. Dee, get the joke stool in the basement, all right?
Can't have it out. What? No way.
It's hilarious. It's not hilarious, it's just
a stool with a nail sticking out of it.
Yeah, and when it pokes their butts, they scream, 'cause they
just got a nail right in the butt.
I... you don't understand comedy, at all.
You don't understand comedy. That's not a joke, it's a
lawsuit. Just put it in the basement.
All right, all right, fine. Can't have the guy sitting
on that... Okay! Relax!
All right, Frank, let's go. Bathroom! Come on!
I gotta find your shoes! All right, all right...
Let's go, let's go. And then help with the chickens,
if you can, please. Move, move, move, move.
How could you have possibly lost your shoes in...
Oh, my God. No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
What's wrong with the toilet? Looks clogged.
What the hell? I just had these all in, like,
perfect working condition. Must be my shoes.
Your shoes? What are you talking about?
Well, when I said I lost my shoes, I didn't mean I didn't
know where they were. It's just that they were gone.
You flushed your shoes down the toilet?
Why would you do that? It's an anxiety thing,
Charlie. Everybody's moving so fast all
of a sudden, it freaks me out. Flushing things gives me
control. It's a thing.
That's not a thing. It's a thing.
That's not a thing, I've never heard of that thing.
All right, I gotta dig 'em out. Want me to get a snake tool?
No, I'm just gonna... Look, just go help with the
chickens, okay? Help with the chickens, please?
Get 'em in the back office, do whatever you can!
Charlie, I need you for something.
Goddamn, the thing's broken. Look, can you give me that fix
bag right there? Uh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Hey, listen, um... we've got a huge problem out there, dude.
Oh. Earlier, when Dennis said
"we've got a really good idea with this plan," that wasn't
entirely accurate, 'cause it was actually my idea and I think the
usage of the word "we" in there is really confusing, because,
like, how can a whole group of people have the same idea at the
same time? What, do they just say it all at
once? It's ludicrous. I don't understand why you're
angling for credit right now. We'll go through the normal
arbitration process at the end of all of this.
Right. Well, I've just been screwed at the last three
arbitration processes, and I just want you to be on my side,
you know? 'Cause I really need you.
Whatever, dude. I don't care. Wait.
What happened to the glory hole cover?
I took it off. I-I thought you... you put it on
there by accident. No, I put it up there because
I don't want the health inspector seeing that we have a
place for a person to get their dick sucked by a stranger.
You are taking this whole inspection thing way too
seriously, okay? Back to the credit issue... you
just don't know what it's like to be overlooked.
Oh, my God, that's exactly what's happening to me right
now. Okay. You know what?
Maybe I'll just casually bring it up to him and then he won't
even know what we're talking about.
Ha! I got a fix! I got a fix right here-- all
right, we'll just put this up and boom, that's pretty good.
What was that? Why did the lights go out?
Uh, that could be the vacuum sealer.
That thing probably pulls a lot of power.
Vacuum sealer? What the hell? Yeah.
All right, where's this packaging machine thing?
The keg room. The keg room?
Okay, good, they're back on. Frank, Frank, Frank, don't go
away! Okay, keep moving chickens, yes,
but I need you to take the "Talk American" sign down.
Are you sure? Maybe he's a racist, too.
The health inspector's not a racist, Frank.
Take it down, please, okay? And shoes-- shoes, please?
Find some shoes? I got this.
Oh, shit! This thing's tits!
No, no, no, you can't use this machine, okay?
It blew the surge protector. Well, we can't do the plan
without the packaging machine. How else are we supposed to
vacuum-seal the steaks? Steaks?
This is a chicken and air mile and steak scam, now?
Yeah. All right, fine.
I can work with it, I can work with it.
Just do me a favor, start packaging lemons and limes and
things, make it seem like we package...
Fun. Dee, I need you down in the
basement, I need your reach. Me?
Yeah, real quick, come on. Okay.
Hey, Dennis. Could I talk to you for
a second? Do me a favor.
I got a battery here. Reach up in the carbon monoxide
detector, just pop it in real quick?
Yeah, you got it. Hey, Charlie, while we're down
here, I just wanted to talk to you about ideas...
(detector beeping) ...and how funny it is that they
can come from all kinds of different places, you know?
(detector continues beeping) Somebody could say something
really funny and it might spark an idea...
Shh, shh, shh-- Dee, zip up the mouth...
No, I know, but before the arbitration, I need to know...
Dee, shut up, shut up, shut up!
That's, uh, G-sharp. Okay, I got it, I got it.
Yeah, yeah. Is it broken?
It won't shut the hell up. No, it's doing exactly what
it's supposed to do and that's the problem.
There's, like, a ton of carbon monoxide down here, so I don't
want it doing that. What? Why?
Uh, well, I... actually, what I do is I block the vents to the
furnace and that fills the basement with dangerous gases.
Drives the rodents away. I always do it leading up to an
inspection. Is that safe?
No, no. It's incredibly unsafe.
We can't be down here too long, so just get the battery and we
gotta roll. Oh, my God.
Yeah, get it out. And then just make it look
like... God damn you, Charlie.
Goddamn it, go. All right, go, go, go.
You getting light-headed? Yes!
(Mac screams in distance) Why'd I hear a squeal?
Oh, no, dude, why are you bleeding?
Dennis scratched me. Mac was doing that thing
where he tries to casually bring something up to me, like I don't
notice. Come to me like a man!
Talk about being tough all the time; can't even look me in the
eyes. Okay.
How's the for shoes, Charlie? Aw, no, Frank, come on, man!
You're gonna get black paint everywhere!
I changed my mind about the stool.
No, no stool. Stool's out. No way!
It's just that it was my idea, Dennis.
It's sort of like the jean shorts, you know, where you...
Look at me when you're talking to me!
(truck horn honks outside) Oh, shit.
The steaks are here. Nice.
(brakes hiss, engine shuts off) Whoa.
That's a big truck. Shit. No, no, no, no, no.
I can't have this truck out here!
Hey, uh, is this Carmine's Steak House?
You're looking at the sign, pal.
Oh. Hey, you guys mind if I get a
quick bite here before we begin? You want to eat here?
Uh, yeah, you know, it's a long drive back to Ohio and I
figured I was gonna be here a while, unloading all these
steaks. Well, you won't be here that
long, right? I mean, it's only 400 steaks.
Four hundred? You ordered 4,000.
Excuse me, I gotta use the toilet.
Oh, shit. Oh, gosh, you know what?
The thing is, our kitchen's not open...
Okay, you know what? Yeah. Go ahead, uh, leave the keys in
it, maybe pop the back, we'll help you get started.
I'm gonna fire up the grill and all set.
Okay. We got you covered. (Laughs)
(toilet flushing) Did you flush your shirt?
Yep. Okay, uh, I don't want to
interrupt here, Charlie, but we got a major problem on our
hands. A): We are not a restaurant that
serves food, and B): How are we gonna package 4,000 steaks?
Look, we can handle it, okay? Dee, we should've never done
your stupid plan! My plan?
No way, this was Frank's idea. Wasn't my idea.
Dennis was all over it. Me? No, this was Mac's stupid
plan. Then why'd you scratch me?
'Cause I was irritated with you.
Look, we can handle all of this, all right?
Excuse me, with all due respect, Charlie, you don't even
know what the goddamn plan is. Okay, okay, with all due
respect to you, I think I understand it fully, okay?
You guys used Frank's credit card, you bought a bunch of
airline miles. You used those airline miles to
purchase 400 steaks. Knowing that this delivery
company delivered all variety of animal products, your plan was
to contaminate the steaks with chicken feathers, by rubbing
live chickens all over them. Then you were gonna repackage
the steaks, at which point, you were gonna return the
contaminated steaks for actual cash, taking advantage of a
loophole in the current airline miles system, correct?
Very good, Charlie. That is it, that is it.
That was the plan, but I mean... you know, we basically
had already explained it to you, so...
Right. But what you didn't plan for was
a hungry delivery guy who'd driven here all the way from
Ohio. Or that Dee's oversized fingers
could've accidentally pressed "zero" again when she ordered
the steaks online. I'm assuming you did the typing,
Dee, yes? Goddamn it.
Dee, you bitch. But none of this matters to
me, okay? Because today is inspection day.
A day that I pride myself on, a day that I've never failed on
and I don't plan to begin failing now, so listen to me and
listen close, like you've never done before.
We are going to pull this thing off, so help me God.
Son of a bitch.
Okay, here we go. Here's the plan:
Dee, Frank, come with me. I want you guys to set up a
table and chair in the alleyway, all right?
This guy's gonna be dining in our patio area.
Dee, take his order, make him think it's a real restaurant.
Frank, as soon as you're done, haul ass down the alleyway, move
the guy's truck, all right? All right, I need you guys to
take down the Carmine sign. I can't have it up when the
inspector gets here, all right? And get me a steak off the
truck, okay? Gladly.
All right, I'm gonna show this guy to his table.
Here we go. Oh, hey, right on time!
Here's my guy. You know what? Don't even bother unloading,
'cause I'm gonna have my guys handle it, okay?
You sure? Oh, absolutely.
The keys are in the truck, right?
Yeah, they're... All right, come on in.
Let's go have a bite to eat. I know you're a hungry guy.
Oh, it's-it's a nice spot. Yeah, it's a nice spot.
We can't complain. See all these booths over here?
They're nice. And we got a patio area.
I think you're gonna enjoy sitting there.
You know what? A booth is, is fine.
Oh, no, see, look, we got these old stools and old booths,
but the patio area is really something special.
You know, you're a top-shelf customer, right?
Right. You want to be having the
top-shelf experience. And here we go.
Welcome! Please, make yourself
comfortable. Yeah, have a seat and, uh,
enjoy the patio. Uh, this is an alley.
I think I'd rather just sit inside.
(Charlie laughs) Spends all day in a truck and
he wants to eat indoors! Hey, the man needs fresh air!
Dee, take his order, okay? Yes, yes.
Uh, what can I get you? Okay, here we go.
Okay. Here we go.
(panting) Hey, hey! Steaks! Steaks!
All right, back on this! Dennis, I need you to be the
face in the bar, okay? I accept that responsibility.
All right, go, go, go! Okay, here's my guy, right on time,
Come on, now, buddy, here we go.
Wait-- wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa-- who's this?
No, no, no, ma'am, ma'am, I'm sorry, you can't park here.
Are you the owner? Uh, yeah, Charlie Kelly.
Who's asking? I'm, uh, Sandy Lawlor.
I'm with the City Board of Health.
I'll be conducting an impromptu inspection of your bar.
Okay, yeah, uh, what happened to Alan?
Alan was let go on account of his leniency.
Shall we begin? Okay. Uh... sure.
All right, let's get going. Right in here.
This is our, uh, bartender over here.
All right, all right, all right.
Okay. He's a bit of a character.
Where would you like to begin? Let's, uh, begin with the
bathrooms. Okay, that's fine.
Come on in this way. I assume all the toilets are
in working order. Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, I wouldn't bother checking if I were you.
I think I will. You're standing awfully close
to me. (exhales) Sorry about that.
(chuckles) Yeah. Do I smell cheese?
I'm gonna leave you to it. You do your thing, okay?
Dennis, heads up. What are these?
They're car keys, okay? Just picked her pocket.
Go move her car, so Frank can pull the truck up.
Okay. Hey, Dee, hold up. Okay, put this on the furnace,
all right? Cook it up good. Oh, no, he wants a turkey
burger. What? Why?
I don't know. I offered it to him.
Why would you do that? You said pretend we're a
restaurant-- he looked like a turkey burger kind of guy.
He looks like a turkey burger kind of guy?! Oh, my God, Dee,
just put it on the furnace, okay, cook it up.
Tell him you got the order wrong, just tell him you got the
thing wrong. Oh, my God, what a stupid bitch.
What a stupid bitch she is. Okay.
(grunts, pants) Okay...
Dude, what's the point with the chickens?
Okay, everything's going in the back, all right?
Chickens, cages, they're all going in the back.
But first, count to, like, 30, and then start moaning into it.
Why? Will you just do it? Okay?
Don't ask questions, just moan a bit, after a couple of moans
say, "I'm sorry." You got it?
Okay, sure, yeah. Okay? Okay?
26, 25... 24, 23, 22, 21, 20...
(grunts) 19, 18, 17, (quietly): 16, 15, 14, 13,
12, 11, ten, nine... And how are we lookin' in...
here! It's acceptable so far.
Okay. (moaning)
Oh, I guess there's somebody in there.
It sounds like there's somebody in there, yeah.
Let's take a little peek. Hey, buddy, how about a courtesy
cough or something next time? Well, I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, you know? Just, uh, give us all a heads-up
you're in here, save us all the embarrassment, you know?
Some people, they got, like, no sort of social boundaries or
anything like that. It's really kind of an awkward
thing. Did you meet our bartender?
Hey! All right, all right, all right.
That's right, I think I introduced you to him.
You want to check out the women's bathroom?
Yeah. Women's bathroom, I assure
you, is spotless. Well, we'll see.
No, we actually hardly ever have women in here, so...
But we're not being graded on that.
All right, in you go, in you go. Go ahead and take a... move your
bowels if you have to. All right, okay, back office,
okay? Chickens-- back-- everything's
going in the back, so get the back, so get in... go, go, go!
The furnace cooked it way too fast-- it's charred to shit.
It doesn't matter. I'm gonna give him the wrong
order and just hand him a burned-up steak?
He's gonna be pissed. Dee, this guy's not grading
our bar-- I don't care if he has the worst dining experience of
his life-- go give him the burned steak.
Okay, how's this...? How am I gonna get all these
steaks off the truck? You don't have to get 'em
all, okay? We're just gonna contaminate a couple, then we're
gonna put the chickens onto the truck.
Why? Frank, we're gonna
contaminate the whole truck, all right?
That goes to the keg room, and for the love of God, find a
shirt! Find a shirt, Frank!
All right, okay, okay. (grunts)
Ah, okay. Come on, come on, come on.
Okay. Nice. Done.
Well done! Okay! Up top! All right, okay,
here's the plan: Got to go to the third stall vents in the
bathroom. Chickens are coming out there.
Everything goes to the keg room, right?
Start rubbing chickens on steaks, seal them up good.
And then put everything on the truck-- chickens, steaks,
everything on the truck! Got it, got it, got it...
We're contaminating the truck guys, let's go! What is this?
What are you doing? I'm painting a shirt!
No! All right, look, just, uh, get out of sight!
Or go to the keg room, hide out. I'm gonna send Dee to you in a
minute, all right? In fact, just keep painting,
that's fine, but go in the keg room.
Oh, my God, what an idiot. (arguing in distance)
Hi. Oh, hi, hello. I'm sorry, is there a-a problem
out here? He's making a big
stink about the steak. The steak is burnt to shit.
It's not even what I ordered. Would you look at that?
Aw, man, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give you a beer on the
house-- come on inside. Oh, how nice!
No, I'll just take it here. No, actually we don't have
our outdoor liquor license, so I so I got to have you drink
it inside, in you go! You know what-- this is the
worst restaurant I've ever been to.
So sorry, terribly sorry, sir, terribly sorry.
Aw, Charlie, that's not good! What are you talking about?
It's great! Thinks we're a real restaurant.
Okay, Dee, table, chairs-- everything's going in the
Dumpster, all right? And then please push it, like,
you know, another couple inches from the door, it doesn't look
like six feet to me. What? Of course it does.
No, no, Dee. It looks like five and a half, okay?
You think she's gonna notice six inches?
Move the goddamn Dumpster, you bitch, okay?
Then haul ass down the alleyway. Yeah. Okay. Hi!
Hi! How'd it go in there? Uh, fine, I suppose.
Everything checks out. Hi, there.
Hello. Yeah, lots of customers.
We're a bustling business, so why don't you head on out to the
alleyway and see if there's anything there that needs, uh,
inspecting. And, ooh, sir, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sorry. No, no, no!
I'm gonna need you to drink that in our VIP lounge area.
I just want to drink it here. Oh, come on! A very important
customer like yourself sitting on a bar with the regulars?
I think you're gonna enjoy the exclusivity of the lounge area,
so just enjoy that. It's not a lounge area...
Hey, all right, all right, all right!
Why are you doing that to me? I don't know.
Okay, I don't need you to do that to me, all right?
Just go, go-- yeah, you gotta finish the job!
How'd it go with the Dumpster? You move it?
Huh? Yes. Okay, here's the plan.
Give this to Frank. Tell him G-sharp.
Then you got to paint him head to toe in black.
Why would I do any of that? Dee, just do it, okay?
Just do it, you goddamn bitch. Oh, you bitch!
Stop questioning everything! Oh, that goddamn bitch.
Oh, that goddamn bitch! Oh, my God, she's gonna ruin it
all. And how are we out here?
Everything will be in the report.
Yeah, sure. Mind if I head behind the
bar? No! Sure! That's not an
issue. Yeah, come check out the bar.
You know, the bar is sort of the lifeblood of a bar.
(laughs) I said bar, bar twice!
And, oh, you know what? There's drainage pipes down
there that I don't want you to check.
"Drainage pipes"? I'm sorry, Mr. Kelly.
I have to check it out. Well, if you gotta do it,
you gotta do it. Now... you know, but...
I mean, I know that they're a little wet, they get damp and,
uh... Actually, they look pretty
good. All right, well, that's
great. Uh, so one last thing.
I suppose I want to show the blender here, for our mixing up
frozen drinks or... I really don't need to see
that. Turn it up higher?
I don't really need to... No, that's not a good idea,
but here we go... See? Yeah, we blew the power.
It's not really environmentally safe to turn it up that high,
that's why never really do it. I should drag you in for that
one-- I'm not gonna. (laughs)
That's a joke. I'd love to show you our
packaging machine I keep in the keg room.
Here, come take a peek here. Look at all this.
Look at all of this! Oh, my! This is...
A bit excessive? Yes, I know, but I'm a little
anal when it comes to securing the perishables.
You know, I just don't want anything to get rotten, and
that's about as-as good as it gets.
You're not the only one with standards around here.
So, come on down to the basement and you can check
this out. Okay, so, uh, watch your step on
the stairs here. Wouldn't want you to trip on any
old paint cans or anything like that, but hopefully everything
down here, you know, has been properly painted and put where
it's supposed to be. So, you know what I'm saying?
No, I don't. Where's the carbon monoxide
detector? Carbon monoxide detector!
All right, so you reach up there and you give that a poke and
everything should... (detector beeps twice)
Great and... oh! Twice, okay.
Excellent. All right, that was
excellent. Uh, I'm feeling a little
light-headed. Yeah, could it be the stairs?
Or, you know, maybe you're just dizzy by the cleanliness.
So, let's get you out of here. What?
No sense in lingering around. You checked the carbon monoxide
and that, that's all you got to do there-- okay, let's see.
Uh, I think we covered everything.
I mean, uh, doorknob? That works.
Showed you all the packaged produce.
Hey, did you meet our bartender? All right, all right.
I'm not paying for contaminated steaks!
You're entire truck is filled with chickens!
You want me to return 4,000 steaks?
This restaurant is insane. "Restaurant"?
Uh, well, yeah, if you count a bowl of peanuts, you know?
We get the drunks in here, they get all ornery and confused.
What are you gonna do? It comes with the territory.
Well, I'd love to spend a little bit more time in here...
Ah, that's about it, Mr. Kelly.
That's it? Yeah.
Oh... Hey!
Yes? Are you talking to me? (grunts)
Yeah. What is it?
All right, all right, all right.
Yes. Okay. You know, all right,
all right, all right. Kind of says it all.
So, here we go. Uh, last thing, Sandy.
Is this concrete regulation? You know, I know there's some
cracks and... It looks fine.
But I'll tell you what's not fine, Mr. Kelly, and that's the
Dumpster. The regulation is exactly six
feet and you were at five and a half.
Oh, that goddamn bitch! I know Allen would let this
slide, but I'm not Allen. I'll have to dock you for that.
Okay, well, I understand, and I assure you that those
responsible, they'll be dealt with.
However, you do have an amazingly clean bar and
therefore I'm giving Paddy's Pub the highest possible grade.
Congratulations. Oh, my... You got me with
the whole Dumpster thing! Oh, man, that's really, really
exciting stuff! Oh, well...
It's just really fantastic. That was nice.
Have a wonderful day. Okay.
(panting) Okay.
(all clamoring) Guys, we got the highest
grade! I didn't think we were gonna do
it because of the Dumpster, but, man, she got us the highest
grade! The highest grade of...?
The health inspection! We passed the health inspection!
Boo! Oh, yeah, we don't, we don't
give a shit about that. Yeah, we were excited about
the airline miles thing. Well, yeah, that's cool, too,
but the health inspection was the whole thing, man!
I pulled it off! It was like, "Here goes there!"
I did the whole thing. Uh, Charlie, come on.
We always pass, okay? We never have a hard time
passing. It's not a big deal. Nobody gives a shit.
You didn't do anything that special.
(laughter) That's how you make a joke
stool right there! That's... Ow, Charlie!
Did you do that? Yeah, you know what?
I think I did. You did it?
Oh, that's so funny! Are you kidding me?!
I thought I saw you! Are you kid...? Unbelievable.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.MY-SUBS.com