1
00:00:07,361 --> 00:00:08,653
[♪ jovial music]
2
00:00:08,654 --> 00:00:10,238
[Charlie]
All right, car behind you! Car! Car!
3
00:00:10,239 --> 00:00:12,240
- [Mac] Car.
- [Charlie] Clear! All right, clear!
4
00:00:12,241 --> 00:00:13,491
- [Dennis] Clear.
- [Mac] Clear.
5
00:00:13,492 --> 00:00:15,702
- Car. Behind you. Car.
- Car. Car.
6
00:00:15,703 --> 00:00:17,871
What the hell's going on out here?
7
00:00:17,872 --> 00:00:19,873
All right, clear, clear.
The guys are having a race.
8
00:00:19,874 --> 00:00:20,999
- [Mac] Clear.
- Clear.
9
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,209
- What kind of race?
- To settle a dispute. They're beefing.
10
00:00:23,210 --> 00:00:25,545
- What's the beef?
- About which one was the original, okay?
11
00:00:25,546 --> 00:00:27,130
The original what, Charlie?
12
00:00:27,131 --> 00:00:29,007
You guys are killing me
with the questions. Okay, okay.
13
00:00:29,008 --> 00:00:32,135
They're-They're beefing because they wore
the same exact Rudolph sweater, all right?
14
00:00:32,136 --> 00:00:35,096
So, they're having a race to see
whose idea it was to wear the sweater.
15
00:00:35,097 --> 00:00:38,391
The winner of the race wears the sweater
for the Christmas card. Car!
16
00:00:38,392 --> 00:00:39,726
- [both] What?
- [Charlie] Oh, my God.
17
00:00:39,727 --> 00:00:41,519
You guys are doing the Christmas card
without us?
18
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,104
Look, Dee,
this is on a need-to-know basis,
19
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and you do not need to know.
20
00:00:44,273 --> 00:00:47,317
Yeah, look, we wanted a card with a little
bit more physical prowess this year,
21
00:00:47,318 --> 00:00:48,818
that's why
we're doing, like, jumping spin kicks.
22
00:00:48,819 --> 00:00:50,695
- Great.
- You can't do a jumping spin kick, guys.
23
00:00:50,696 --> 00:00:51,946
Is that what the ladder's for?
24
00:00:51,947 --> 00:00:53,281
The ladder's none of your business, Frank.
25
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- Can you believe this?
- Oh, no.
26
00:00:54,533 --> 00:00:55,909
- We should be on that card.
- Yes.
27
00:00:55,910 --> 00:00:57,702
Dee, don't take it personally.
It's not about you.
28
00:00:57,703 --> 00:00:59,412
You know who it's about?
It's about Schmitty.
29
00:00:59,413 --> 00:01:01,122
Look at this guy.
Here's him a couple years ago.
30
00:01:01,123 --> 00:01:02,540
"Wishing you a Maui Christmas!"
31
00:01:02,541 --> 00:01:03,750
- He's in Maui…
- He's in Maui.
32
00:01:03,751 --> 00:01:06,419
…where he's judging
a Hawaiian Tropics bikini contest.
33
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{\an8}- Yeah.
- All right. The next year,
34
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{\an8}- "Marry Christmas!"
- [Dee] He got married.
35
00:01:09,715 --> 00:01:11,633
{\an8}He's married to one of the models.
The year after that…
36
00:01:11,634 --> 00:01:12,717
[Dee gasps]
37
00:01:12,718 --> 00:01:13,802
- …"Season's Breedings!"
- [Dee] Breedings.
38
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She's bore him some sort
of Hawaiian child.
39
00:01:16,305 --> 00:01:18,556
- [Dee] Oh, wow.
- [Charlie] The guy's just embarrassing us
40
00:01:18,557 --> 00:01:19,641
with these Christmas cards.
41
00:01:19,642 --> 00:01:21,476
That's why we gotta do
the jumping spin kicks, guys.
42
00:01:21,477 --> 00:01:23,019
- I'm sorry, okay?
- But we can--
43
00:01:23,020 --> 00:01:24,896
And we can't take the picture
until we do the race.
44
00:01:24,897 --> 00:01:27,774
- Yeah, but why don't you just do a trial?
- A race is faster.
45
00:01:27,775 --> 00:01:30,151
- It-It's over in a matter of seconds.
- No, this is so stupid.
46
00:01:30,152 --> 00:01:31,277
You guys are gonna get hurt.
47
00:01:31,278 --> 00:01:33,488
Shut up, Dee! You're stupid.
You're on a need-to-know basis.
48
00:01:33,489 --> 00:01:36,909
- Shut your mouth! Stupid bird.
- Guys, go now, now, now, now. All ready?
49
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On your mark.
50
00:01:39,578 --> 00:01:41,746
Get set. Go!
51
00:01:41,747 --> 00:01:44,750
[♪ "Temptation Sensation" playing]
52
00:01:59,807 --> 00:02:01,809
{\an8}[♪ song ends]
53
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[Charlie] All right,
how's that feeling under there?
54
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:05,687
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay, okay.
55
00:02:05,688 --> 00:02:07,856
- I'll stop moving it. But you gotta keep…
- [groans loudly]
56
00:02:07,857 --> 00:02:09,649
- Dude, just breathe.
- Okay.
57
00:02:09,650 --> 00:02:11,317
- [grunts]
- Okay? You got to keep it elevated.
58
00:02:11,318 --> 00:02:14,195
- This is all Mac's fault, dude.
- Well, I mean, you guys were both racing.
59
00:02:14,196 --> 00:02:16,364
- I'm the original. You know, I--
- The original what?
60
00:02:16,365 --> 00:02:19,450
{\an8}- What are you talking about?
- I create the IP, he-he-he copies it.
61
00:02:19,451 --> 00:02:22,495
- Right. The IP?
- IP, dude. Intellectual property. Duh.
62
00:02:22,496 --> 00:02:24,789
- Right, yeah.
- My ideas. He copies my ideas.
63
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{\an8}He copies my sweaters,
the tearing of my most crucial ligaments.
64
00:02:27,459 --> 00:02:29,210
- But--
- Son of a bitch!
65
00:02:29,211 --> 00:02:30,670
- You know, can you--
- [bell rings]
66
00:02:30,671 --> 00:02:32,130
- Yeah.
- He copied my bell.
67
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He copied the bell idea. That was my idea.
68
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I don't love the bell. Okay.
[stutters, sighs]
69
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He's going to town on that bell.
70
00:02:36,886 --> 00:02:38,303
- Yeah, all right.
- Go yell at him.
71
00:02:38,304 --> 00:02:40,180
- Hang on a second, man.
- Can you yell at him?
72
00:02:40,181 --> 00:02:42,932
Yo. Ay, ay. You can stop ringing.
73
00:02:42,933 --> 00:02:44,893
- I heard you. What's up? What's going on?
- Hey, Hey.
74
00:02:44,894 --> 00:02:46,686
Is he in there taking credit
for the bells?
75
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Because I'm the one
that ordered these bells for Christmas,
76
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and I feel like these are my idea
and I should get credit for it.
77
00:02:51,150 --> 00:02:52,775
Okay, yeah, cool. Credit to you.
78
00:02:52,776 --> 00:02:54,569
Is he…
Is he wearing the Christmas sweater?
79
00:02:54,570 --> 00:02:56,654
'Cause I should be the one
that's wearing the Christmas sweater.
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00:02:56,655 --> 00:02:58,823
- Who cares about who's wearing it?
- No, let's be real, dude.
81
00:02:58,824 --> 00:03:02,660
I'm the one that wanted to return
to a more traditional model of Christmas,
82
00:03:02,661 --> 00:03:05,246
as I do with this country,
and you know he doesn't care about that.
83
00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:06,497
Yeah, Got you. So, what's up?
84
00:03:06,498 --> 00:03:09,959
Um, I gotta pee really bad,
so could you get him out of his room?
85
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,169
Why?
86
00:03:11,170 --> 00:03:13,504
Well, because there's only one bathroom
in the entire apartment
87
00:03:13,505 --> 00:03:15,089
and it happened to be in his room, so…
88
00:03:15,090 --> 00:03:16,758
Okay. Just close the door
and go to the bathroom.
89
00:03:16,759 --> 00:03:18,384
I just don't want him
to be able to hear me make.
90
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Uh, I'll have him plug his ears.
91
00:03:20,262 --> 00:03:22,722
Can you just get him out of the room
92
00:03:22,723 --> 00:03:25,058
- so I can pee?
- Oh, my God. Damn it. Give me one second.
93
00:03:25,059 --> 00:03:26,810
- I mean, God!
- Stay there. One sec.
94
00:03:27,353 --> 00:03:30,230
Hey, uh, Dennis, you got to clear out.
Mac wants to use your bathroom.
95
00:03:30,231 --> 00:03:32,565
Oh. [chuckling] Does he now? Okay, well,
96
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why don't you tell Mac
that I will no longer be sharing my IP
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or a place to pee pee. [chuckles]
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Say it like that,
that was a good delivery.
99
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Dude, come on, where's he gonna piss?
100
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Oh, I'm sure he'll come up with something
101
00:03:43,077 --> 00:03:47,205
just like he comes up with all
of his other original ideas. [chuckles]
102
00:03:47,206 --> 00:03:49,249
That was sarcasm.
So you know what, label it,
103
00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:51,584
because it's best to label sarcasm
after you use it.
104
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Can't you guys
just, like, settle down and talk to a…
105
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No, no, no, no, no, no,
stay off your knee.
106
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I'll talk to him.
I'll-I'll label it. I'll…
107
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- I'm getting up. I'm coming to pee.
- [Charlie] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
108
00:04:00,678 --> 00:04:03,012
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't-Don't get up. Don't get up. Okay.
109
00:04:03,013 --> 00:04:06,599
Uh, he said you can't use his bathroom.
Uh, or his intellectual property.
110
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,518
Uh, he said, you'll come up with something
111
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just like you come up
with all the original ideas around here.
112
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- That's… That's true.
- Yeah.
113
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Was he being sarcastic?
114
00:04:15,109 --> 00:04:18,528
- Oh, yeah, he was being sarcastic.
- [sighs] Why didn't you label it?
115
00:04:18,529 --> 00:04:20,863
I forgot, dude.
I didn't realize I was gonna have to--
116
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I want you to remind him whose room
it actually was when we first moved in.
117
00:04:23,867 --> 00:04:26,286
- It was your room? Was it?
- But we switched. Yes.
118
00:04:26,287 --> 00:04:28,496
- Why'd you switch?
- Because I wanted to be in the room
119
00:04:28,497 --> 00:04:30,748
with the thermostat because I run cold.
120
00:04:30,749 --> 00:04:32,417
He got the bathroom.
You got the thermostat.
121
00:04:32,418 --> 00:04:34,419
But listen,
I want you to say it exactly like this.
122
00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:35,837
- "Dennis…"
- Dennis.
123
00:04:35,838 --> 00:04:37,797
- "…Mac said…"
- He'll know it was you. We're the only…
124
00:04:37,798 --> 00:04:39,674
- Okay.
- "…if you can't stand the heat,
125
00:04:39,675 --> 00:04:42,928
then don't go in the kitchen."
And then do it with a wry smile.
126
00:04:44,471 --> 00:04:48,391
- Oh, 'cause it's sarcasm.
- No, it's a… it's a full-blown joke.
127
00:04:48,392 --> 00:04:51,185
So, you say the joke
and then you finish with the wry
128
00:04:51,186 --> 00:04:52,979
and the wry is the punctuation at the end.
129
00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:54,480
- And--
- Okay. "Dennis, Mac said,
130
00:04:54,481 --> 00:04:56,983
'If you can't take the heat,
you gotta get out of the kitchen.'"
131
00:04:56,984 --> 00:04:58,943
- Something like that.
- That's pretty good. Let's do that one.
132
00:04:58,944 --> 00:05:01,154
And saying that you said it
and that it was a quip,
133
00:05:01,155 --> 00:05:03,239
- an aside will give him context for…
- Yes.
134
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,075
…who's speaking in this apartment
where there's only two people
135
00:05:06,076 --> 00:05:08,202
and one person who's communicating
between them, but let's…
136
00:05:08,203 --> 00:05:09,662
- I'll get that all covered.
- That's it.
137
00:05:09,663 --> 00:05:10,830
- That sounds great.
- Thanks.
138
00:05:10,831 --> 00:05:13,208
Okay, so he said… Oh! Uh, sorry.
139
00:05:14,043 --> 00:05:15,752
- Mac said…
- Good.
140
00:05:15,753 --> 00:05:18,379
As if anyone else
could possibly be saying this.
141
00:05:18,380 --> 00:05:20,256
- You.
- Yeah, but it's not me.
142
00:05:20,257 --> 00:05:23,051
I've been delivering mes…
Okay. It's fine. Fine. Whatever.
143
00:05:23,052 --> 00:05:27,096
So, Mac said that this was
originally his room, not yours.
144
00:05:27,097 --> 00:05:28,556
- [scoffs]
- And then he said, uh,
145
00:05:28,557 --> 00:05:30,850
"If you cannot take the heat,
don't go in the kitchen."
146
00:05:30,851 --> 00:05:33,478
Even though the expression, yeah,
it's the opposite way around.
147
00:05:33,479 --> 00:05:35,563
So you're already in the kitchen
and you're feeling the heat…
148
00:05:35,564 --> 00:05:37,357
It would make more sense
if you were in the kitchen.
149
00:05:37,358 --> 00:05:38,649
Either way, he got that wrong.
150
00:05:38,650 --> 00:05:41,152
And then lastly,
he said to do one of these,
151
00:05:41,153 --> 00:05:43,363
which is a wry smile
that I'm supposed to give you.
152
00:05:43,364 --> 00:05:44,906
- Why would you label it?
- I don't know.
153
00:05:44,907 --> 00:05:46,949
I don't know what I'm doing.
Why would I do any of this?
154
00:05:46,950 --> 00:05:48,618
- You gotta know when to label things when…
- Do I?
155
00:05:48,619 --> 00:05:50,578
Yeah, because if you do a joke,
you have to explain it.
156
00:05:50,579 --> 00:05:52,163
- Oh, cool.
- Otherwise, it's not as funny.
157
00:05:52,164 --> 00:05:55,291
- Okay. Sounds good.
- Okay, well, how about this?
158
00:05:55,292 --> 00:05:58,336
Why don't you tell my wry little guy
who runs so cold
159
00:05:58,337 --> 00:06:02,048
to go ahead and crank that heat up,
and he can hold his piss forever.
160
00:06:02,049 --> 00:06:04,258
I'm sure he's tough enough to do that.
161
00:06:04,259 --> 00:06:07,012
Okay, and then what is that?
Is that wry or is that sarcasm?
162
00:06:07,638 --> 00:06:09,305
I think I managed to pull off both.
163
00:06:09,306 --> 00:06:11,140
Oh! [quietly] Son of a bitch.
164
00:06:11,141 --> 00:06:15,853
Hey. All right, uh, he says,
"No go on the bathroom ever again."
165
00:06:15,854 --> 00:06:18,022
He says,
"I'm sure you're tough enough to hold it."
166
00:06:18,023 --> 00:06:19,524
And then he did something with his face
167
00:06:19,525 --> 00:06:21,693
and I have no idea
what to label it or not label it.
168
00:06:22,194 --> 00:06:23,570
Fine, I'll hold it.
169
00:06:24,488 --> 00:06:28,199
- Charlie, crank up the heat.
- Uh…
170
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:31,077
Okay. And then do I do something
with a smile or do I label this?
171
00:06:31,078 --> 00:06:34,539
- Just crank it up.
- All right. How far am I going here?
172
00:06:34,540 --> 00:06:36,333
All the way.
173
00:06:37,876 --> 00:06:39,211
[♪ jovial music]
174
00:06:40,629 --> 00:06:43,381
Ugh, I'm sick and tired of being on
the bottom rung of the ladder around here.
175
00:06:43,382 --> 00:06:45,675
- Tell me about it.
- Getting kicked out of the Christmas card?
176
00:06:45,676 --> 00:06:48,511
- Are you kidding me?
- Jump spin kick. That's not even clever.
177
00:06:48,512 --> 00:06:50,805
You know what? I doubt that's even
what they were gonna do,
178
00:06:50,806 --> 00:06:53,933
but I know that that ladder
factored into the card in some way.
179
00:06:53,934 --> 00:06:56,602
But how? We gotta figure out how.
180
00:06:56,603 --> 00:06:59,939
Mm-hmm. I'll tell you how we're gonna
do it. I saw a sticker on that ladder.
181
00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:02,733
It came from this hardware store.
We're gonna figure out their idea.
182
00:07:02,734 --> 00:07:04,819
We're gonna rip it off
and steal it as our own.
183
00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:05,904
- Smart.
- [laughs]
184
00:07:07,865 --> 00:07:09,824
Hi there. Excuse me.
Can we ask you a couple of questions?
185
00:07:09,825 --> 00:07:12,743
A couple of guys come in here recently,
medium height, average build?
186
00:07:12,744 --> 00:07:15,121
- Yeah, they bought a ladder.
- Yeah, a ladder.
187
00:07:15,122 --> 00:07:16,498
[clicks tongue] Oh!
188
00:07:17,249 --> 00:07:20,794
Yeah, two guys buying a ladder.
How could I forget?
189
00:07:23,005 --> 00:07:25,173
Is that sarcasm? I can't tell.
190
00:07:25,174 --> 00:07:27,049
Yeah, me neither. You gotta label it, pal.
191
00:07:27,050 --> 00:07:29,093
Yeah, look,
we're looking for a couple of guys
192
00:07:29,094 --> 00:07:32,096
and we were not given
a ton of information, you know?
193
00:07:32,097 --> 00:07:35,850
We're sort of at the bottom rung
of our organization, much like yourself.
194
00:07:35,851 --> 00:07:37,351
- Yeah.
- Like me?
195
00:07:37,352 --> 00:07:38,936
Cashier at a hardware store.
196
00:07:38,937 --> 00:07:41,063
This is my store. I own it.
197
00:07:41,064 --> 00:07:43,107
- You own this store?
- Oh, no shit.
198
00:07:43,108 --> 00:07:45,193
- [Dee whoops] Wow.
- Nice.
199
00:07:45,194 --> 00:07:47,778
Congratulations.
That's quite an accomplishment.
200
00:07:47,779 --> 00:07:49,573
Hey, you know what?
That, um, gives me an idea.
201
00:07:50,157 --> 00:07:51,407
You would then have the authority
202
00:07:51,408 --> 00:07:53,701
to let us pore
through your security footage
203
00:07:53,702 --> 00:07:55,995
- so we can find the people…
- 'Cause you're the owner.
204
00:07:55,996 --> 00:07:57,371
…that we came in here looking for.
205
00:07:57,372 --> 00:07:59,749
Sure. Maybe you wanna look
through my books,
206
00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:01,918
you know, and check inventory.
207
00:08:01,919 --> 00:08:03,170
Poke around in the safe.
208
00:08:04,129 --> 00:08:06,631
That's sarcasm, if I'm not being clear.
209
00:08:06,632 --> 00:08:08,090
Nice labeling, dickhead.
210
00:08:08,091 --> 00:08:10,135
- We got it 'cause you labeled it.
- Yeah.
211
00:08:10,969 --> 00:08:13,554
Ugh. [stammers] Son of a bitch.
212
00:08:13,555 --> 00:08:16,182
Okay. Apparently, we're gonna have to
create some sort of distraction.
213
00:08:16,183 --> 00:08:17,600
What would Mac and Dennis do?
214
00:08:17,601 --> 00:08:19,519
Will you shut up about what Mac
and Dennis would do, okay?
215
00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,188
We don't need them. We can come up
with our own goddamn original idea.
216
00:08:22,189 --> 00:08:23,482
- Now follow me.
- I'm following you.
217
00:08:24,149 --> 00:08:26,484
- There he is. There's our big guy.
- Oh, God.
218
00:08:26,485 --> 00:08:28,236
- Hey, Cricket.
- Come on. What do you want now, huh?
219
00:08:28,237 --> 00:08:29,529
Let me guess, you want something?
220
00:08:29,530 --> 00:08:31,822
Well, we… It's actually…
It's something fun for you to do.
221
00:08:31,823 --> 00:08:33,658
- Oh, yeah?
- We-We want you to come with us
222
00:08:33,659 --> 00:08:35,701
to a hardware store
and create a diversion.
223
00:08:35,702 --> 00:08:36,911
Yeah, make a really big scene.
224
00:08:36,912 --> 00:08:39,581
Frank, Frank, Frank,
I don't have to make a scene.
225
00:08:40,082 --> 00:08:41,999
I am the scene, baby.
226
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,751
I walk in any place of business,
227
00:08:43,752 --> 00:08:45,878
people are all over me
like flies on crack.
228
00:08:45,879 --> 00:08:47,630
- Do flies like crack?
- Well, you tell me,
229
00:08:47,631 --> 00:08:49,173
does a trick always pay full price?
230
00:08:49,174 --> 00:08:50,341
I have no idea.
231
00:08:50,342 --> 00:08:53,511
Well, that… that's a bad example
because technically,
232
00:08:53,512 --> 00:08:56,514
I'm at the lower end of the transaction,
if we wanna call it that.
233
00:08:56,515 --> 00:08:58,683
And, uh, you know,
after everyone takes their cut,
234
00:08:58,684 --> 00:09:02,061
I'm, uh… Well, I'm basically paying in
for the pleasure… [chuckling] …you know?
235
00:09:02,062 --> 00:09:04,730
Which often, hey, don't get me wrong,
is very pleasurable.
236
00:09:04,731 --> 00:09:07,108
If you don't enjoy it,
they won't pay full price.
237
00:09:07,109 --> 00:09:09,151
- You know, that's--
- I never pay full price. Always haggle.
238
00:09:09,152 --> 00:09:11,320
- Who sets the price, 'cause I'm curious?
- [Dee] I'll tell you what.
239
00:09:11,321 --> 00:09:13,948
I'm glad we… I'm glad we got
to the bottom of some these whoring tips.
240
00:09:13,949 --> 00:09:15,074
- Let's go.
- [Cricket] Yeah?
241
00:09:15,075 --> 00:09:16,993
- Okay. Uh, compensation though.
- Come on, Cricket.
242
00:09:16,994 --> 00:09:18,703
- Yeah. You'll get paid.
- We gotta talk compensation.
243
00:09:18,704 --> 00:09:19,788
And no lemons this time.
244
00:09:20,372 --> 00:09:22,124
[♪ jovial music]
245
00:09:24,126 --> 00:09:27,712
All right. Watch me work my magic.
[clears throat]
246
00:09:27,713 --> 00:09:30,089
[scatting]
247
00:09:30,090 --> 00:09:33,634
Yo, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You… You can't be in here.
248
00:09:33,635 --> 00:09:35,136
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm looking for a showerhead.
249
00:09:35,137 --> 00:09:37,471
- Yeah. We talked about…
- Wow. It worked like a charm.
250
00:09:37,472 --> 00:09:39,557
- Let's move.
- [Cricket] I'm remodeling, all right?
251
00:09:39,558 --> 00:09:41,684
I have… Own a duplex. I have a tenant.
252
00:09:41,685 --> 00:09:44,103
And I need-- I need like, uh…
253
00:09:44,104 --> 00:09:46,397
- [whispering] Goddamn it. It's locked.
- What would Mac and Dennis do?
254
00:09:46,398 --> 00:09:49,275
Stop saying that. Hang on a second.
255
00:09:49,276 --> 00:09:50,819
- Hmm.
- I got an idea.
256
00:09:51,486 --> 00:09:54,156
[loud thudding]
257
00:09:54,656 --> 00:09:57,033
- [Frank] Ah!
- Whoa!
258
00:09:57,034 --> 00:09:58,951
- Shit. Did you see that?
- Nice…
259
00:09:58,952 --> 00:10:00,036
- Yeah.
- [Dee laughs]
260
00:10:00,037 --> 00:10:02,204
They're not the only ones
who know how to use a ladder.
261
00:10:02,205 --> 00:10:04,165
[Frank cackles]
262
00:10:04,166 --> 00:10:07,084
Ah! Maybe that was their card idea.
263
00:10:07,085 --> 00:10:08,336
Bashing a door down with a ladder?
264
00:10:08,337 --> 00:10:10,504
Yeah, with the Christmas sweaters
and everything,
265
00:10:10,505 --> 00:10:12,214
wearing that and that in the card.
266
00:10:12,215 --> 00:10:13,382
Well, what would the card say?
267
00:10:13,383 --> 00:10:15,469
"We crash you a merry bash-mas?"
268
00:10:16,928 --> 00:10:19,013
I don't hate it,
but I don't think that was their plan.
269
00:10:19,014 --> 00:10:22,016
Okay, let's scrub through this footage.
It's gotta be on here somewhere.
270
00:10:22,017 --> 00:10:23,893
Hopefully,
Cricket's keeping that guy busy.
271
00:10:23,894 --> 00:10:26,104
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is 15. We said 20.
272
00:10:27,147 --> 00:10:28,690
Do you want the money or not?
273
00:10:29,191 --> 00:10:30,691
Okay, fine, good haggle.
274
00:10:30,692 --> 00:10:32,360
[person on TV] Don't treat it lightly…
275
00:10:32,361 --> 00:10:34,236
Okay, uh,
now that we're all in the same room,
276
00:10:34,237 --> 00:10:35,946
- I'd like to just hash this thing out…
- Pause.
277
00:10:35,947 --> 00:10:37,323
- …and… what?
- [Dennis sighs]
278
00:10:37,324 --> 00:10:39,367
No talking during JAG. That is a rule.
279
00:10:39,368 --> 00:10:43,079
Another rule. You can have as many
vocalizations as you want while paused,
280
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:44,997
but no more than six per episode.
281
00:10:44,998 --> 00:10:47,124
Okay, why do you have all these rules?
What is this?
282
00:10:47,125 --> 00:10:49,502
Because Mac was always commenting
on the men's bodies.
283
00:10:49,503 --> 00:10:52,338
No, because Dennis was always commenting
on women's physiques
284
00:10:52,339 --> 00:10:53,422
and what he would fix.
285
00:10:53,423 --> 00:10:55,675
Whatever. Either way,
a system was devised.
286
00:10:55,676 --> 00:10:58,844
Yeah, a full comment counts
as two vocalizations.
287
00:10:58,845 --> 00:11:01,555
Now you can laugh continuously,
not excessively.
288
00:11:01,556 --> 00:11:02,890
If you're moved to tears,
289
00:11:02,891 --> 00:11:05,643
you gain an extra laugh
or vocalization, so just FYI.
290
00:11:05,644 --> 00:11:08,104
- Moved to tears? What… What is this?
- Charlie.
291
00:11:08,105 --> 00:11:10,399
- What are you talking about?
- Charlie, Charlie. JAG is…
292
00:11:10,899 --> 00:11:13,567
- a nuanced military procedural…
- No.
293
00:11:13,568 --> 00:11:16,696
…combining the legal drama
of A Few Good Men
294
00:11:16,697 --> 00:11:19,366
with the thrilling action of Top Gun.
295
00:11:19,950 --> 00:11:23,828
[scoffs] You can't
just tune out whenever you want to.
296
00:11:23,829 --> 00:11:28,207
[chuckling] Goddamn,
it's not NCIS where you could…
297
00:11:28,208 --> 00:11:31,377
NCIS wouldn't even exist without JAG.
298
00:11:31,378 --> 00:11:32,753
- [Dennis] Right?
- JAG is the original.
299
00:11:32,754 --> 00:11:34,046
- Yeah.
- Resume.
300
00:11:34,047 --> 00:11:36,632
[chattering on TV]
301
00:11:36,633 --> 00:11:38,008
[Dennis, Mac laugh]
302
00:11:38,009 --> 00:11:40,845
Pause! You just laughed
right after I laughed.
303
00:11:40,846 --> 00:11:44,223
- I laughed first. You heard that, right?
- I laugh at that line every single time.
304
00:11:44,224 --> 00:11:46,976
Oh, you laugh at that line
every single time? Every single time?
305
00:11:46,977 --> 00:11:48,978
Why don't you explain to us
what's so funny about that line?
306
00:11:48,979 --> 00:11:51,397
Well, the captain just came at her
aggressively,
307
00:11:51,398 --> 00:11:53,816
and I thought there was something funny
about the double entendre.
308
00:11:53,817 --> 00:11:56,193
Okay, fine. That is what's funny about it.
You're right.
309
00:11:56,194 --> 00:11:58,112
But I… You didn't even know
what an entendre was
310
00:11:58,113 --> 00:11:59,947
until I explained to you
what an entendre was.
311
00:11:59,948 --> 00:12:02,658
Why don't you rewind it
and then see who laughs first?
312
00:12:02,659 --> 00:12:04,201
- Because I would laugh first.
- It's just a laugh.
313
00:12:04,202 --> 00:12:06,162
- No, no. I'm gonna rewind it.
- All right, fine.
314
00:12:06,163 --> 00:12:08,247
- I didn't even push play yet.
- That's two vocalizations each.
315
00:12:08,248 --> 00:12:09,832
I'm counting it as two vocalizations each.
316
00:12:09,833 --> 00:12:12,543
No, no, no. Because laughter is
not a vocalization.
317
00:12:12,544 --> 00:12:15,171
Yeah? Cool.
All right, fine, resume, resume it.
318
00:12:15,172 --> 00:12:18,007
- Jesus, learn the rules the first time.
- Goddamn it. Goddamn.
319
00:12:18,008 --> 00:12:19,258
- [chattering on TV]
- Pause!
320
00:12:19,259 --> 00:12:21,344
- What? What? Why?
- [stammers]
321
00:12:22,179 --> 00:12:24,722
Bathroom break
for those of us who have one. [chuckles]
322
00:12:24,723 --> 00:12:28,058
Getting a little bit cool and I think
we should crank up the heat.
323
00:12:28,059 --> 00:12:31,062
Trial! We're having a trial.
We're having a goddamn trial.
324
00:12:31,813 --> 00:12:33,398
[♪ jovial music]
325
00:12:34,441 --> 00:12:36,442
Goddamn, we've gone
through the whole week.
326
00:12:36,443 --> 00:12:38,028
What the hell? Where are they?
327
00:12:38,653 --> 00:12:40,237
- [Frank] Who's that?
- That's Cricket.
328
00:12:40,238 --> 00:12:42,448
- What's Cricket doing here?
- Hey, buddy. No, no, no.
329
00:12:42,449 --> 00:12:44,658
- No, no. Hey, buddy.
- I'll tell you exactly what he's doing.
330
00:12:44,659 --> 00:12:47,787
He's causing a distraction. Goddamn it.
So, we didn't have an original idea.
331
00:12:47,788 --> 00:12:49,538
- …ask you to leave again.
- Yeah, I'm…
332
00:12:49,539 --> 00:12:51,415
- There they are.
- There they are. There they are.
333
00:12:51,416 --> 00:12:53,876
- We were right. There's the ladder.
- [Cricket] You know, any of this can…
334
00:12:53,877 --> 00:12:57,254
[Dee] But they're also getting
construction hats and coveralls.
335
00:12:57,255 --> 00:12:58,923
Why are they stealing all this stuff?
336
00:12:58,924 --> 00:13:01,884
No paper trail. Oh, they're no dummies.
337
00:13:01,885 --> 00:13:04,720
They knew I would go through their trash
to find evidence.
338
00:13:04,721 --> 00:13:06,807
- Of course you would.
- These guys are good.
339
00:13:07,808 --> 00:13:09,017
What the hell, Cricket?
340
00:13:09,518 --> 00:13:12,144
Why didn't you tell us you were helping
Mac and Dennis steal stuff?
341
00:13:12,145 --> 00:13:15,105
Oh. That information was
on a need-to-know basis.
342
00:13:15,106 --> 00:13:17,399
- I didn't think you needed to know.
- Okay, well, we do.
343
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,443
Yes, we do. What's the plan, Cricket?
344
00:13:19,444 --> 00:13:23,906
Whoa, whoa, whoa. [chuckles]
Slow down here, all right? Payment first.
345
00:13:23,907 --> 00:13:26,075
Huh? How about that? Payment first, bitch.
346
00:13:26,076 --> 00:13:27,369
All right, here.
347
00:13:28,161 --> 00:13:30,371
- One can of paint thinner.
- Thank you.
348
00:13:30,372 --> 00:13:33,582
And in case you need to know,
this is for getting high.
349
00:13:33,583 --> 00:13:35,584
That we didn't need to know
because we already knew.
350
00:13:35,585 --> 00:13:37,461
Obviously. What's their plan?
351
00:13:37,462 --> 00:13:40,257
Two words. Taylor Swift.
352
00:13:47,722 --> 00:13:51,517
Order. Order.
Okay, court is now in session.
353
00:13:51,518 --> 00:13:55,145
You'll each have a chance to present
your evidence and make your case.
354
00:13:55,146 --> 00:13:58,649
Now, I think we can all agree
that we're all very hot,
355
00:13:58,650 --> 00:14:00,442
okay, and our bladders are full.
356
00:14:00,443 --> 00:14:02,696
So let's keep vocalizations to a minimum.
357
00:14:03,363 --> 00:14:06,991
Laughs are allowed,
but if sarcastic, will be labeled as such.
358
00:14:06,992 --> 00:14:08,075
Are we in agreement?
359
00:14:08,076 --> 00:14:09,159
- [Dennis] Aye.
- [Mac] Aye.
360
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:12,288
Oh. Very good.
Then I have selected Dennis to go first,
361
00:14:12,289 --> 00:14:15,291
only 'cause he's more in my eyeline.
You're a little bit off to the side.
362
00:14:15,292 --> 00:14:17,627
- Dennis, you have the floor. Go.
- Well… [grunts]
363
00:14:18,628 --> 00:14:20,796
If JAG has taught us anything,
364
00:14:20,797 --> 00:14:24,800
it's that in order to argue your case,
you must first establish the record,
365
00:14:24,801 --> 00:14:29,680
and I think you will find, Judge,
that the record is crystal clear.
366
00:14:29,681 --> 00:14:31,433
Exhibit A.
367
00:14:32,350 --> 00:14:34,977
Our Christmas card 2021.
368
00:14:34,978 --> 00:14:37,897
As you can see here,
I'm rocking some pretty sweet chaps
369
00:14:37,898 --> 00:14:41,025
and I'm also rocking
some pretty sweet sideburns.
370
00:14:41,026 --> 00:14:43,820
Mac, however, has no sideburns.
371
00:14:44,613 --> 00:14:49,074
Until the next year when he copied me.
372
00:14:49,075 --> 00:14:54,955
{\an8}Boom! New card, new theme,
same sideburns, different guy.
373
00:14:54,956 --> 00:14:58,418
He copied me.
And then the next year, he copied my look.
374
00:14:58,919 --> 00:15:04,381
Observe. A lip bite, controlled,
suggestive, a bit coy. [chuckles softly]
375
00:15:04,382 --> 00:15:05,884
{\an8}Mac's expression…
376
00:15:08,136 --> 00:15:09,428
all veneers.
377
00:15:09,429 --> 00:15:13,099
Until the next year,
in one of our best cards ever.
378
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:17,311
Boom. There it is right there, Judge,
379
00:15:17,312 --> 00:15:19,481
in plain sight, or should I say,
380
00:15:20,774 --> 00:15:21,900
in plain bite?
381
00:15:24,194 --> 00:15:26,695
- That was sarcasm, by the way.
- Okay, yeah. You have to label it.
382
00:15:26,696 --> 00:15:28,739
- Again, you have to label it as sarcasm.
- I did. I did.
383
00:15:28,740 --> 00:15:30,658
- But there's a little pause…
- Too much of a pause.
384
00:15:30,659 --> 00:15:33,160
- …and the pause doesn't help.
- I would like to continue moving forward,
385
00:15:33,161 --> 00:15:35,037
- so that we don't lose the thread here.
- Carry on.
386
00:15:35,038 --> 00:15:37,915
Okay. The next year, the man stole my IP.
387
00:15:37,916 --> 00:15:41,043
See, the idea for "Pimps and Ho Ho Ho's,"
that was my idea,
388
00:15:41,044 --> 00:15:43,712
but the next year's card,
that was Mac's idea.
389
00:15:43,713 --> 00:15:46,715
"Ho, Ho, Hose."
390
00:15:46,716 --> 00:15:51,011
A blatant rip off of my idea
and a blatant misuse of the pun.
391
00:15:51,012 --> 00:15:53,055
It is a misuse of the pun.
It doesn't make much sense.
392
00:15:53,056 --> 00:15:56,016
So, as you can see,
the record is consistent.
393
00:15:56,017 --> 00:15:58,853
The proof is clear. I innovate.
394
00:16:00,438 --> 00:16:02,022
Mac replicates.
395
00:16:02,023 --> 00:16:04,525
Well… [sighs]
…very persuasive, Mr. Reynolds.
396
00:16:04,526 --> 00:16:07,528
- I think so too.
- Now, Mr. McDonald, the floor is yours.
397
00:16:07,529 --> 00:16:09,572
I'd like to respond with the truth.
398
00:16:10,407 --> 00:16:13,033
And the same cards.
The man even copies my evidence.
399
00:16:13,034 --> 00:16:16,036
Same evidence. [chuckles softly]
Different story.
400
00:16:16,037 --> 00:16:20,291
Now witness, "The Good, The Bad,
and The Jolly." Dennis…
401
00:16:20,875 --> 00:16:23,503
sideburns, but the following year?
402
00:16:24,879 --> 00:16:26,296
No sideburns.
403
00:16:26,297 --> 00:16:28,507
[stammers] Wait, hold on. Objection.
404
00:16:28,508 --> 00:16:31,427
Uh, sideburns were not period
in the roaring '20s.
405
00:16:31,428 --> 00:16:34,471
That's true. You know, the sideburns
were not period in the roaring '20s.
406
00:16:34,472 --> 00:16:35,681
Uh, please explain the lip bite.
407
00:16:35,682 --> 00:16:37,391
I was covering up a cold sore
408
00:16:37,392 --> 00:16:40,019
that I got from playing basketball
with an Ecuadorian man.
409
00:16:40,020 --> 00:16:43,731
Objection.
There's no known evidence of, uh, herpes
410
00:16:43,732 --> 00:16:45,607
being transmitted
through the playing of basketball.
411
00:16:45,608 --> 00:16:46,984
I agree, I'll allow that.
412
00:16:46,985 --> 00:16:51,864
I… received the cold sore
meeting an Ecuadorian man
413
00:16:51,865 --> 00:16:54,116
- in an abandoned basketball court.
- Oh…
414
00:16:54,117 --> 00:16:56,827
Okay. Well, that's a different story,
Mr. McDonald.
415
00:16:56,828 --> 00:16:58,871
So, let's please keep
our evidence truthful.
416
00:16:58,872 --> 00:17:02,916
Okay, it was 2:00 a.m.
His name was Hector.
417
00:17:02,917 --> 00:17:04,334
He was covered in sores,
418
00:17:04,335 --> 00:17:05,878
- but it was worth it--
- Your Honor--
419
00:17:05,879 --> 00:17:07,504
- [Frank] Ha!
- Ha!
420
00:17:07,505 --> 00:17:09,089
- [ladder clatters]
- Gentlemen.
421
00:17:09,090 --> 00:17:11,842
- Why did you do that? It was open.
- Yeah, and what are you wearing?
422
00:17:11,843 --> 00:17:13,177
Oh, why? Does it look familiar?
423
00:17:13,178 --> 00:17:15,679
We figured out
what the ladder was all about.
424
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:18,015
There's a Taylor Swift concert tonight.
425
00:17:18,016 --> 00:17:22,978
And you were gonna crash, bash,
or climb your way in.
426
00:17:22,979 --> 00:17:25,522
Yeah, there was never
any spin kick planned.
427
00:17:25,523 --> 00:17:28,358
You were gonna get
a signed picture with Taylor
428
00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:30,402
and write some sort
of catchy slogan on it,
429
00:17:30,403 --> 00:17:33,364
- like, um… like--
- Taylor Christmas.
430
00:17:34,574 --> 00:17:37,242
Uh… Yeah, it's not very…
it's not very catchy,
431
00:17:37,243 --> 00:17:40,162
but we hadn't gotten that far,
but it doesn't matter, okay?
432
00:17:40,163 --> 00:17:42,623
'Cause we are gonna steal your idea.
433
00:17:42,624 --> 00:17:44,666
Goddamn, why is it so hot in here,
you guys?
434
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:47,545
- It's sweltering.
- Yeah, well, hang on. Hang on a second.
435
00:17:48,421 --> 00:17:51,131
You guys were gonna do
a Christmas card without me?
436
00:17:51,132 --> 00:17:54,009
- No. No. She's lying, dude.
- No. No. Yeah.
437
00:17:54,010 --> 00:17:56,178
Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm lying? I got evidence.
438
00:17:56,179 --> 00:18:00,557
I got a case, and we're gonna lay it
all out right here with a trial.
439
00:18:00,558 --> 00:18:03,477
No, no, no… Dee, we just had…
we just had a trial.
440
00:18:03,478 --> 00:18:05,562
- I can't do another trial.
- I can't hold it. I gotta pee.
441
00:18:05,563 --> 00:18:07,857
- I gotta turn down the heat!
- Pau… Pause!
442
00:18:08,775 --> 00:18:11,236
- You guys are faking?
- You copied my faking.
443
00:18:11,903 --> 00:18:15,114
No, I… I got the idea to fake
from an episode of JAG.
444
00:18:15,115 --> 00:18:16,407
Guys, why would you do this?
445
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,827
- I didn't wanna lose the race.
- I didn't wanna lose the race. Oh.
446
00:18:19,828 --> 00:18:21,870
Guys, don't you see what's happening here,
you know what I mean?
447
00:18:21,871 --> 00:18:24,164
All this need to, like, take credit
for whose idea was what,
448
00:18:24,165 --> 00:18:25,874
and not filling each other in
on our plans.
449
00:18:25,875 --> 00:18:27,918
It's putting us all
at the bottom rung of the ladder.
450
00:18:27,919 --> 00:18:29,128
- [Dee scoffs] Yeah.
- You know?
451
00:18:29,129 --> 00:18:31,046
And you know who's at the top
of the ladder looking down on us?
452
00:18:31,047 --> 00:18:32,673
- Jesus.
- I knew you were gonna say that.
453
00:18:32,674 --> 00:18:35,342
No. It's Schmitty. It's Schmitty.
He's looking down on us.
454
00:18:35,343 --> 00:18:38,178
But the point is that, like,
Schmitty's always gonna be topping us
455
00:18:38,179 --> 00:18:40,848
when we're putting each other
on a need-to-know basis, okay?
456
00:18:40,849 --> 00:18:43,976
So, can we just team up on this thing?
You know, get together on this?
457
00:18:43,977 --> 00:18:45,269
Dennis,
what was the plan with the ladder?
458
00:18:45,270 --> 00:18:48,856
[sighs] All right, fine. Well,
the first thing you guys need to know
459
00:18:48,857 --> 00:18:51,817
is that you don't climb the ladder,
you carry it.
460
00:18:51,818 --> 00:18:53,235
- Wait, what do you mean?
- Well… Okay.
461
00:18:53,236 --> 00:18:55,737
Mac and I came up with a theory together
462
00:18:55,738 --> 00:18:59,116
that two men carrying a ladder
would be granted access anywhere.
463
00:18:59,117 --> 00:19:04,122
So, we decided
to test that theory out at the Linc…
464
00:19:04,706 --> 00:19:05,707
at an Eagles game.
465
00:19:10,378 --> 00:19:12,255
At a Monster Truck Jam.
466
00:19:12,839 --> 00:19:15,674
Turns out there's something
about two men carrying a ladder
467
00:19:15,675 --> 00:19:18,635
that just allows you access to anything.
468
00:19:18,636 --> 00:19:21,890
And it worked over and over
and over again.
469
00:19:24,309 --> 00:19:27,019
They assume you're there to work,
and they let you pass right through.
470
00:19:27,020 --> 00:19:30,230
Two men with a ladder can get in anywhere.
471
00:19:30,231 --> 00:19:31,648
So, that's what we're gonna do.
472
00:19:31,649 --> 00:19:33,817
We're gonna suit up,
we're gonna grab our ladder,
473
00:19:33,818 --> 00:19:36,737
and we are gonna walk right into
that Taylor Swift concert,
474
00:19:36,738 --> 00:19:38,989
and nobody is gonna stop us.
475
00:19:38,990 --> 00:19:40,992
[♪ rousing music playing]
476
00:19:42,243 --> 00:19:43,328
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- [♪ music stops]
477
00:19:43,995 --> 00:19:46,080
What are you people doing
with this ladder?
478
00:19:46,831 --> 00:19:49,083
[♪ jovial music]
479
00:19:50,501 --> 00:19:54,338
You know, two people carrying a ladder,
that makes sense,
480
00:19:54,339 --> 00:19:57,341
but four men and a useless chick,
that's suspicious.
481
00:19:57,342 --> 00:19:58,967
It doesn't make any sense, you know,
482
00:19:58,968 --> 00:20:01,386
and that's why everybody's
on a-need-to-know basis. That is why.
483
00:20:01,387 --> 00:20:02,804
Whose idea was the ladder anyway?
484
00:20:02,805 --> 00:20:04,890
- Oh, that was actually my--
- Mine, of course.
485
00:20:04,891 --> 00:20:06,850
- Are you serious?
- It was my idea.
486
00:20:06,851 --> 00:20:09,853
- It was so most definitely my idea.
- Mac, are you kidding me with this?
487
00:20:09,854 --> 00:20:11,939
- It was… Oh!
- Maybe we should have another trial.
488
00:20:11,940 --> 00:20:13,649
- I can do a race.
- Well, let's go. Let's race.
489
00:20:13,650 --> 00:20:15,817
- What? Oh, my God.
- Son of a bitch.
490
00:20:15,818 --> 00:20:18,362
Well, no point in racing,
or trials, or any of that shit
491
00:20:18,363 --> 00:20:20,906
'cause we're not going
to beat Schmitty's card this year.
492
00:20:20,907 --> 00:20:22,074
He got to the idea first.
493
00:20:22,075 --> 00:20:25,328
- He took a picture with Taylor?
- No, even better.
494
00:20:26,037 --> 00:20:27,246
[all] Oh.
495
00:20:27,247 --> 00:20:30,165
- That is… That's awesome.
- There's no way you can beat that slogan.
496
00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:31,541
- [Dennis] Yeah.
- [Dee] Yeah.
497
00:20:31,542 --> 00:20:33,628
- [Charlie] That's as cool as it gets.
- [Dee] Look at that.
498
00:20:41,719 --> 00:20:44,722
[♪ "Temptation Sensation" playing]
499
00:21:12,667 --> 00:21:14,669
[♪ song ends]