1 00:00:13,129 --> 00:00:14,463 [♪ jovial music] 2 00:00:14,589 --> 00:00:16,256 [Charlie] All right, car behind you! Car! Car! 3 00:00:16,382 --> 00:00:17,799 -[Mac] Car. -[Charlie] Clear! All right, clear! 4 00:00:17,925 --> 00:00:19,134 -[Dennis] Clear. -[Mac] Clear. 5 00:00:19,260 --> 00:00:21,261 -Car. Behind you. Car. -Car. Car. 6 00:00:21,387 --> 00:00:23,346 What the hell's going on out here? 7 00:00:23,473 --> 00:00:25,474 All right, clear, clear. The guys are having a race. 8 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:27,309 -[Mac] Clear. -Clear. 9 00:00:27,435 --> 00:00:29,394 -What kind of race? -To settle a dispute. They're beefing. 10 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:31,146 -What's the beef? -About which one was the original, okay? 11 00:00:31,272 --> 00:00:32,689 The original what, Charlie? 12 00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:34,900 You guys are killing me with the questions. Okay, okay. 13 00:00:35,026 --> 00:00:37,486 They're beefing because they wore the same exact Rudolph sweater, all right? 14 00:00:37,612 --> 00:00:40,447 So, they're having a race to see whose idea it was to wear the sweater. 15 00:00:40,573 --> 00:00:43,976 The winner of the race wears the sweater for the Christmas card. Car! 16 00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:45,535 -[both] What? -[Charlie] Oh, my God. 17 00:00:45,661 --> 00:00:47,037 You guys are doing the Christmas card without us? 18 00:00:47,163 --> 00:00:48,705 Look, Dee, this is on a need-to-know basis, 19 00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:50,949 and you do not need to know. 20 00:00:51,084 --> 00:00:52,793 Yeah, look, we wanted a card with a little bit more physical prowess this year, 21 00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:54,544 that's why we're doing, like, jumping spin kicks. 22 00:00:54,670 --> 00:00:56,321 -Great. -You can't do a jumping spin kick, guys. 23 00:00:56,422 --> 00:00:57,672 Is that what the ladder's for? 24 00:00:57,799 --> 00:00:58,991 The ladder's none of your business, Frank. 25 00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:00,291 -Can you believe this? -Oh, no. 26 00:01:00,426 --> 00:01:01,927 -We should be on that card. -Yes. 27 00:01:02,053 --> 00:01:03,470 Dee, don't take it personally. It's not about you. 28 00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:05,164 You know who it's about? It's about Schmitty. 29 00:01:05,263 --> 00:01:06,723 Look at this guy. Here's him a couple years ago. 30 00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:08,167 "Wishing you a Maui Christmas!" 31 00:01:08,267 --> 00:01:09,893 -He's in Maui... -He's in Maui. 32 00:01:10,019 --> 00:01:12,004 ...where he's judging a Hawaiian Tropics bikini contest. 33 00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:13,772 -Yeah. -All right. The next year, 34 00:01:13,898 --> 00:01:15,649 -"Marry Christmas!" -[Dee] He got married. 35 00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:17,308 He's married to one of the models. The year after that... 36 00:01:17,443 --> 00:01:18,735 [Dee gasps] 37 00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:20,195 -..."Season's Breedings!" -[Dee] Breedings. 38 00:01:20,321 --> 00:01:22,030 She's bore him some sort of Hawaiian child. 39 00:01:22,156 --> 00:01:24,157 -[Dee] Oh, wow. -[Charlie] The guy's just embarrassing us 40 00:01:24,283 --> 00:01:25,700 with these Christmas cards. 41 00:01:25,827 --> 00:01:27,119 That's why we gotta do the jumping spin kicks, guys. 42 00:01:27,245 --> 00:01:28,787 -I'm sorry, okay? -But we can-- 43 00:01:28,913 --> 00:01:30,789 And we can't take the picture until we do the race. 44 00:01:30,915 --> 00:01:33,208 -Yeah, but why don't you just do a trial? -A race is faster. 45 00:01:33,334 --> 00:01:35,752 -It-It's over in a matter of seconds. -No, this is so stupid. 46 00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:37,462 You guys are gonna get hurt. 47 00:01:37,588 --> 00:01:39,698 Shut up, Dee! You're stupid. You're on a need-to-know basis. 48 00:01:39,799 --> 00:01:42,884 -Shut your mouth! Stupid bird. -Guys, go now, now, now, now. All ready? 49 00:01:43,511 --> 00:01:44,845 On your mark. 50 00:01:45,388 --> 00:01:47,264 Get set. Go! 51 00:01:47,390 --> 00:01:50,725 [♪ "Temptation Sensation" playing] 52 00:02:05,575 --> 00:02:07,726 [♪ song ends] 53 00:02:10,079 --> 00:02:11,663 [Charlie] All right,er the? 54 00:02:11,789 --> 00:02:13,607 -Yeah. Yeah. -Okay, okay. 55 00:02:13,708 --> 00:02:14,958 -I'll stop moving it. But you gotta keep... -[groans loudly] 56 00:02:15,084 --> 00:02:16,668 -Dude, just breathe. -Okay. 57 00:02:16,794 --> 00:02:18,753 -[grunts] -Okay? You got to keep it elevated. 58 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,173 -This is all Mac's fault, dude. -Well, I mean, you guys were both racing. 59 00:02:21,299 --> 00:02:23,341 -I'm the original. You know, I-- -The original what? 60 00:02:23,467 --> 00:02:26,428 -What are you talking about? -I create the IP, he-he-he copies it. 61 00:02:26,554 --> 00:02:29,556 -Right. The IP? -IP, dude. Intellectual property. Duh. 62 00:02:29,682 --> 00:02:31,725 -Right, yeah. -My ideas. He copies my ideas. 63 00:02:31,851 --> 00:02:34,603 He copies my sweaters, the tearing of my most crucial ligaments. 64 00:02:34,729 --> 00:02:36,271 -But-- -Son of a bitch! 65 00:02:36,397 --> 00:02:37,814 -You know, can you-- -[bell rings] 66 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,191 -Yeah. -He copied my bell. 67 00:02:39,317 --> 00:02:40,817 He copied the bell idea. That was my idea. 68 00:02:40,943 --> 00:02:42,903 I don't love the bell. Okay. [stutters, sighs] 69 00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:44,304 He's going to town on that bell. 70 00:02:44,405 --> 00:02:45,772 -Yeah, all right. -Go yell at him. 71 00:02:45,907 --> 00:02:47,273 -Hang on a second, man. -Can you yell at him? 72 00:02:47,408 --> 00:02:49,910 Yo. Ay, ay. You can stop ringing. 73 00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:51,979 -I heard you. What's up? What's going on? -Hey, Hey. 74 00:02:52,079 --> 00:02:53,830 Is he in there taking credit for the bells? 75 00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,832 Because I'm the one that ordered these bells for Christmas, 76 00:02:55,958 --> 00:02:58,318 and I feel like these are my idea and I should get credit for it. 77 00:02:58,419 --> 00:02:59,836 Okay, yeah, cool. Credit to you. 78 00:02:59,962 --> 00:03:01,880 Is he... Is he wearing the Christmas sweater? 79 00:03:02,006 --> 00:03:03,924 'Cause I should be the one that's wearing the Christmas sweater. 80 00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:06,125 -Who cares about who's wearing it? -No, let's be real, dude. 81 00:03:06,260 --> 00:03:09,663 I'm the one that wanted to return to a more traditional model of Christmas, 82 00:03:09,764 --> 00:03:12,390 as I do with this country, and you know he doesn't care about that. 83 00:03:12,516 --> 00:03:14,351 Yeah, Got you. So, what's up? 84 00:03:14,477 --> 00:03:17,187 Um, I gotta pee really bad, so could you get him out of his room? 85 00:03:17,313 --> 00:03:18,980 Why? 86 00:03:19,106 --> 00:03:20,607 Well, because there's only one bathroom in the entire apartment 87 00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:22,192 and it happened to be in his room, so... 88 00:03:22,318 --> 00:03:23,902 Okay. Just close the door and go to the bathroom. 89 00:03:24,028 --> 00:03:25,487 I just don't want him to be able to hear me make. 90 00:03:25,613 --> 00:03:27,364 Uh, I'll have him plug his ears. 91 00:03:27,490 --> 00:03:29,699 Can you just get him out of the room 92 00:03:29,825 --> 00:03:32,151 -so I can pee? -Oh, my God. Damn it. Give me one second. 93 00:03:32,286 --> 00:03:33,995 -I mean, God! -Stay there. One sec. 94 00:03:34,413 --> 00:03:37,357 Hey, uh, Dennis, you got to clear out. Mac wants to use your bathroom. 95 00:03:37,458 --> 00:03:39,501 Oh. [chuckling] Does he now? Okay, well, 96 00:03:39,627 --> 00:03:42,420 why don't you tell Mac that I will no longer be sharing my IP 97 00:03:42,546 --> 00:03:45,131 or a place to pee pee. [chuckles] 98 00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:46,716 Say it like that, that was a good delivery. 99 00:03:46,842 --> 00:03:48,343 Dude, come on, where's he gonna piss? 100 00:03:48,469 --> 00:03:50,470 Oh, I'm sure he'll come up with something 101 00:03:50,596 --> 00:03:54,224 just like he comes up with all of his other original ideas. [chuckles] 102 00:03:54,350 --> 00:03:56,226 That was sarcasm. So you know what, label it, 103 00:03:56,352 --> 00:03:58,603 because it's best to label sarcasm after you use it. 104 00:03:58,729 --> 00:04:01,523 Can't you guys just, like, settle down and talk to a... 105 00:04:01,649 --> 00:04:03,650 No, no, no, no, no, no, stay off your knee. 106 00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:06,069 I'll talk to him. I'll-I'll label it. I'll... 107 00:04:06,195 --> 00:04:08,154 -I'm getting up. I'm coming to pee. -[Charlie] Whoa, whoa, whoa. 108 00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:10,448 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't-Don't get up. Don't get up. Okay. 109 00:04:10,574 --> 00:04:13,660 Uh, he said you can't use his bathroom. Uh, or his intellectual property. 110 00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:15,662 Uh, he said, you'll come up with something 111 00:04:15,788 --> 00:04:18,290 just like you come up with all the original ideas around here. 112 00:04:18,416 --> 00:04:20,875 -That's... That's true. -Yeah. 113 00:04:21,334 --> 00:04:23,128 Was he being sarcastic? 114 00:04:23,254 --> 00:04:25,538 -Yeah, he was being sarcastic. -[sighs] Why didn't you label it? 115 00:04:25,673 --> 00:04:27,799 I forgot, dude. I didn't realize I was gonna have to-- 116 00:04:27,925 --> 00:04:30,885 I want you to remind him whose room it actually was when we first moved in. 117 00:04:31,012 --> 00:04:33,263 -It was your room? Was it? -But we switched. Yes. 118 00:04:33,389 --> 00:04:35,557 -Why'd you switch? -Because I wanted to be in the room 119 00:04:35,683 --> 00:04:37,809 with the thermostat because I run cold. 120 00:04:37,935 --> 00:04:39,602 He got the bathroom. You got the thermostat. 121 00:04:39,729 --> 00:04:41,563 But listen, I want you to say it exactly like this. 122 00:04:41,689 --> 00:04:43,389 -"Dennis..." -Dennis. 123 00:04:43,524 --> 00:04:44,983 -"...Mac said..." -He'll know it was you. We're the only... 124 00:04:45,109 --> 00:04:46,985 -Okay. -"...if you can't stand the heat, 125 00:04:47,111 --> 00:04:50,363 then don't go in the kitchen." And then do it with a wry smile. 126 00:04:51,532 --> 00:04:55,368 -Oh, 'cause it's sarcasm. -No, it's a... it's a full-blown joke. 127 00:04:55,494 --> 00:04:58,246 So, you say the joke and then you finish with the wry 128 00:04:58,372 --> 00:05:00,081 and the wry is the punctuation at the end. 129 00:05:00,207 --> 00:05:02,075 -And-- -Okay. "Dennis, Mac said, 130 00:05:02,209 --> 00:05:04,169 'If you can't take the heat, you gotta get out of the kitchen.'" 131 00:05:04,295 --> 00:05:05,962 -Something like that. -That's pretty good. Let's do that one. 132 00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:08,214 And saying that you said it and that it was a quip, 133 00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,258 -an aside will give him context for... -Yes. 134 00:05:10,384 --> 00:05:13,011 ...who's speaking in this apartment where there's only two people 135 00:05:13,137 --> 00:05:15,263 and one person who's communicating between them, but let's... 136 00:05:15,389 --> 00:05:16,765 -I'll get that all covered. -That's it. 137 00:05:16,891 --> 00:05:18,058 -That sounds great. -Thanks. 138 00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:20,685 Okay, so he said... Oh! Uh, sorry. 139 00:05:21,312 --> 00:05:22,771 -Mac said... -Good. 140 00:05:22,897 --> 00:05:25,482 As if anyone else could possibly be saying this. 141 00:05:25,608 --> 00:05:27,359 -You. -Yeah, but it's not me. 142 00:05:27,485 --> 00:05:30,070 I've been delivering mes... Okay. It's fine. Fine. Whatever. 143 00:05:30,196 --> 00:05:34,199 So, Mac said that this was originally his room, not yours. 144 00:05:34,325 --> 00:05:35,942 -[scoffs] -And then he said, uh, 145 00:05:36,077 --> 00:05:38,036 "If you cannot take the heat, don't go in the kitchen." 146 00:05:38,162 --> 00:05:40,413 Even though the expression, yeah, it's the opposite way around. 147 00:05:40,539 --> 00:05:42,582 So you're already in the kitchen and you're feeling the heat... 148 00:05:42,708 --> 00:05:44,501 It would make more sense if you were in the kitchen. 149 00:05:44,627 --> 00:05:45,960 Either way, he got that wrong. 150 00:05:46,087 --> 00:05:48,171 And then lastly, he said to do one of these, 151 00:05:48,297 --> 00:05:50,490 which is a wry smile that I'm supposed to give you. 152 00:05:50,591 --> 00:05:52,175 -Why would you label it? -I don't know. 153 00:05:52,301 --> 00:05:53,968 I don't know what I'm doing. Why would I do any of this? 154 00:05:54,095 --> 00:05:55,678 -You gotta know when to label things when... -Do I? 155 00:05:55,805 --> 00:05:57,639 Yeah, because if you do a joke, you have to explain it. 156 00:05:57,765 --> 00:05:59,332 -Oh, cool. -Otherwise, it's not as funny. 157 00:05:59,433 --> 00:06:02,335 -Okay. Sounds good. -Okay, well, how about this? 158 00:06:02,436 --> 00:06:05,271 Why don't you tell my wry little guy who runs so cold 159 00:06:05,398 --> 00:06:09,176 to go ahead and crank that heat up, and he can hold his piss forever. 160 00:06:09,276 --> 00:06:11,277 I'm sure he's tough enough to do that. 161 00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:14,322 Okay, and then what is that? Is that wry or is that sarcasm? 162 00:06:14,824 --> 00:06:16,449 I think I managed to pull off both. 163 00:06:16,575 --> 00:06:18,368 Oh! [quietly] Son of a bitch. 164 00:06:18,494 --> 00:06:22,872 Hey. All right, uh, he says, "No go on the bathroom ever again." 165 00:06:22,998 --> 00:06:25,083 He says, "I'm sure you're tough enough to hold it." 166 00:06:25,209 --> 00:06:26,751 And then he did something with his face 167 00:06:26,877 --> 00:06:29,196 and I have no idea what to label it or not label it. 168 00:06:29,505 --> 00:06:31,005 Fine, I'll hold it. 169 00:06:31,715 --> 00:06:35,135 -Charlie, crank up the heat. -Uh... 170 00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:38,054 Okay. And then do I do something with a smile or do I label this? 171 00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:41,766 -Just crank it up. -All right. How far am I going here? 172 00:06:41,892 --> 00:06:43,852 All the way. 173 00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:51,927 Ugh, I'm sick and tired of being on the bottom rung of the ladder around here. 174 00:06:52,027 --> 00:06:54,195 -Tell me about it. -Getting kicked out of the Christmas card? 175 00:06:54,321 --> 00:06:57,031 -Are you kidding me? -Jump spin kick. That's not even clever. 176 00:06:57,158 --> 00:06:59,284 You know what? I doubt that's even what they were gonna do, 177 00:06:59,410 --> 00:07:02,579 but I know that that ladder factored into the card in some way. 178 00:07:02,705 --> 00:07:05,072 But how? We gotta figure out how. 179 00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:08,443 Mm-hmm. I'll tell you how we're gonna do it. I saw a sticker on that ladder. 180 00:07:08,544 --> 00:07:11,337 It came from this hardware store. We're gonna figure out their idea. 181 00:07:11,464 --> 00:07:13,548 We're gonna rip it off and steal it as our own. 182 00:07:13,674 --> 00:07:14,966 -Smart. -[laughs] 183 00:07:16,510 --> 00:07:18,511 Hi there. Excuse me. Can we ask you a couple of questions? 184 00:07:18,637 --> 00:07:21,347 A couple of guys come in here recently, medium height, average build? 185 00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:23,850 -Yeah, they bought a ladder. -Yeah, a ladder. 186 00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:25,351 [clicks tongue] Oh! 187 00:07:25,936 --> 00:07:29,856 Yeah, two guys buying a ladder. How could I forget? 188 00:07:31,817 --> 00:07:33,776 Is that sarcasm? I can't tell. 189 00:07:33,903 --> 00:07:35,612 Yeah, me neither. You gotta label it, pal. 190 00:07:35,738 --> 00:07:37,655 Yeah, look, we're looking for a couple of guys 191 00:07:37,781 --> 00:07:40,533 and we were not given a ton of information, you know? 192 00:07:40,659 --> 00:07:44,579 We're sort of at the bottom rung of our organization, much like yourself. 193 00:07:44,705 --> 00:07:46,039 -Yeah. -Like me? 194 00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:47,624 Cashier at a hardware store. 195 00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:49,709 This is my store. I own it. 196 00:07:49,835 --> 00:07:51,820 -You own this store? -Oh, no shit. 197 00:07:51,921 --> 00:07:53,788 -[Dee whoops] Wow. -Nice. 198 00:07:53,923 --> 00:07:56,341 Congratulations. That's quite an accomplishment. 199 00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:58,468 Hey, you know what? That, um, gives me an idea. 200 00:07:58,928 --> 00:08:00,261 You would then have the authority 201 00:08:00,387 --> 00:08:02,263 to let us pore through your security footage 202 00:08:02,389 --> 00:08:04,666 -so we can find the people... -'Cause you're the owner. 203 00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:06,142 ...that we came in here looking for. 204 00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:08,436 Sure. Maybe you wanna look through my books, 205 00:08:08,562 --> 00:08:10,672 you know, and check inventory. 206 00:08:10,773 --> 00:08:12,148 Poke around in the safe. 207 00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:15,360 That's sarcasm, if I'm not being clear. 208 00:08:15,486 --> 00:08:16,819 Nice labeling, dickhead. 209 00:08:16,946 --> 00:08:19,155 -We got it 'cause you labeled it. -Yeah. 210 00:08:19,782 --> 00:08:21,991 Ugh. [stammers] Son of a bitch. 211 00:08:22,117 --> 00:08:24,869 Okay. Apparently, we're gonna have to create some sort of distraction. 212 00:08:24,995 --> 00:08:26,496 What would Mac and Dennis do? 213 00:08:26,622 --> 00:08:28,706 Will you shut up about what Mac and Dennis would do, okay? 214 00:08:28,832 --> 00:08:30,825 We don't need them. We can come up with our own goddamn original idea. 215 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,335 -Now follow me. -I'm following you. 216 00:08:32,836 --> 00:08:35,004 -There he is. There's our big guy. -Oh, God. 217 00:08:35,130 --> 00:08:36,839 -Hey, Cricket. -Come on. What do you want now, huh? 218 00:08:36,966 --> 00:08:38,866 Let me guess, you want something? 219 00:08:38,967 --> 00:08:40,426 Well, we... It's actually... It's something fun for you to do. 220 00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:42,261 -Oh, yeah? -We-We want you to come with us 221 00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:44,389 to a hardware store and create a diversion. 222 00:08:44,515 --> 00:08:45,974 Yeah, make a really big scene. 223 00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,560 Frank, Frank, Frank, I don't have to make a scene. 224 00:08:48,936 --> 00:08:50,645 I am the scene, baby. 225 00:08:50,771 --> 00:08:52,380 I walk in any place of business, 226 00:08:52,481 --> 00:08:54,482 people are all over me like flies on crack. 227 00:08:54,608 --> 00:08:56,276 -Do flies like crack? -Well, you tell me, 228 00:08:56,402 --> 00:08:57,944 does a trick always pay full price? 229 00:08:58,070 --> 00:08:59,654 I have no idea. 230 00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:01,990 Well, that... that's a bad example because technically, 231 00:09:02,116 --> 00:09:05,076 I'm at the lower end of the transaction, if we wanna call it that. 232 00:09:05,202 --> 00:09:07,412 And, uh, you know, after everyone takes their cut, 233 00:09:07,538 --> 00:09:10,582 I'm, uh... Well, I'm basically paying in for the pleasure... [chuckling] ...you know? 234 00:09:10,708 --> 00:09:13,293 Which often, hey, don't get me wrong, is very pleasurable. 235 00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:15,628 If you don't enjoy it, they won't pay full price. 236 00:09:15,754 --> 00:09:17,797 -You know, that's-- -I never pay full price. Always haggle. 237 00:09:17,923 --> 00:09:20,041 -Who sets the price, 'cause I'm curious? -[Dee] I'll tell you what. 238 00:09:20,175 --> 00:09:22,635 I'm glad we... I'm glad we got to the bottom of some these whoring tips. 239 00:09:22,761 --> 00:09:24,178 -Let's go. -[Cricket] Yeah? 240 00:09:24,305 --> 00:09:25,805 -Okay. Uh, compensation though. -Come on, Cricket. 241 00:09:25,931 --> 00:09:27,432 -Yeah. You'll get paid. -We gotta talk compensation. 242 00:09:27,558 --> 00:09:28,808 And no lemons this time. 243 00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:38,026 All right. Watch me work my magic. [clears throat] 244 00:09:38,152 --> 00:09:40,153 [scatting] 245 00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:43,773 Yo, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You... You can't be in here. 246 00:09:43,907 --> 00:09:45,575 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking for a showerhead. 247 00:09:45,701 --> 00:09:47,577 -Yeah. We talked about... -Wow. It worked like a charm. 248 00:09:47,703 --> 00:09:49,746 -Let's move. -[Cricket] I'm remodeling, all right? 249 00:09:49,872 --> 00:09:51,914 I have... Own a duplex. I have a tenant. 250 00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:54,150 And I need-- I need like, uh... 251 00:09:54,251 --> 00:09:56,586 -[whispering] Goddamn it. It's locked. -What would Mac and Dennis do? 252 00:09:56,712 --> 00:09:59,505 Stop saying that. Hang on a second. 253 00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:01,382 -Hmm. -I got an idea. 254 00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:04,636 [loud thudding] 255 00:10:05,012 --> 00:10:07,263 -[Frank] Ah! -Whoa! 256 00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:09,182 -Shit. Did you see that? -Nice... 257 00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:10,850 -Yeah. -[Dee laughs] 258 00:10:10,976 --> 00:10:12,477 They're not the only ones who know how to use a ladder. 259 00:10:12,603 --> 00:10:14,354 [Frank cackles] 260 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,273 Ah! Maybe that was their card idea. 261 00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:18,941 Bashing a door down with a ladder? 262 00:10:19,068 --> 00:10:20,652 Yeah, with the Christmas sweaters and everything, 263 00:10:20,778 --> 00:10:22,445 wearing that and that in the card. 264 00:10:22,571 --> 00:10:23,738 Well, what would the card say? 265 00:10:23,864 --> 00:10:25,990 "We crash you a merry bash-mas?" 266 00:10:27,117 --> 00:10:29,243 I don't hate it, but I don't think that was their plan. 267 00:10:29,370 --> 00:10:32,188 Okay, let's scrub through this footage. It's gotta be on here somewhere. 268 00:10:32,289 --> 00:10:34,040 Hopefully, Cricket's keeping that guy busy. 269 00:10:34,166 --> 00:10:36,668 Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is 15. We said 20. 270 00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:39,212 Do you want the money or not? 271 00:10:39,588 --> 00:10:40,922 Okay, fine, good haggle. 272 00:10:41,048 --> 00:10:42,507 [person on TV] Don't treat it lightly... 273 00:10:42,633 --> 00:10:44,333 Okay, uh, now that we're all in the same room, 274 00:10:44,468 --> 00:10:46,168 -I'd like to just hash this thing out... -Pause. 275 00:10:46,303 --> 00:10:47,553 -...and... what? -[Dennis sighs] 276 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,764 No talking during JAG. That is a rule. 277 00:10:49,890 --> 00:10:53,267 Another rule. You can have as many vocalizations as you want while paused, 278 00:10:53,394 --> 00:10:55,103 but no more than six per episode. 279 00:10:55,229 --> 00:10:57,213 Okay, why do you have all these rules? What is this? 280 00:10:57,314 --> 00:10:59,524 Because Mac was always commenting on the men's bodies. 281 00:10:59,650 --> 00:11:02,610 No, because Dennis was always commenting on women's physiques 282 00:11:02,736 --> 00:11:04,028 and what he would fix. 283 00:11:04,154 --> 00:11:05,780 Whatever. Either way, a system was devised. 284 00:11:05,906 --> 00:11:08,991 Yeah, a full comment counts as two vocalizations. 285 00:11:09,118 --> 00:11:11,786 Now you can laugh continuously, not excessively. 286 00:11:11,912 --> 00:11:13,371 If you're moved to tears, 287 00:11:13,497 --> 00:11:15,707 you gain an extra laugh or vocalization, so just FYI. 288 00:11:15,833 --> 00:11:18,167 -Moved to tears? What... What is this? -Charlie. 289 00:11:18,293 --> 00:11:20,795 -What are you talking about? -Charlie, Charlie. JAG is... 290 00:11:21,171 --> 00:11:23,740 -a nuanced military procedural... -No. 291 00:11:23,841 --> 00:11:26,843 ...combining the legal drama of A Few Good Men 292 00:11:26,969 --> 00:11:29,762 with the thrilling action of Top Gun 293 00:11:30,180 --> 00:11:33,917 [scoffs] You can't just tune out whenever you want to. 294 00:11:34,017 --> 00:11:38,312 [chuckling] Goddamn, it's not NCIS where you could... 295 00:11:38,439 --> 00:11:41,524 NCIS wouldn't even exist without JAG. 296 00:11:41,650 --> 00:11:43,025 -[Dennis] Right? -JAG is the original. 297 00:11:43,152 --> 00:11:44,318 -Yeah. -Resume. 298 00:11:44,445 --> 00:11:46,896 [chattering on TV] 299 00:11:47,030 --> 00:11:48,239 [Dennis, Mac laugh] 300 00:11:48,365 --> 00:11:51,033 Pause! You just laughed right after I laughed. 301 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,452 I laughed first. You heard that, right? 302 00:11:52,578 --> 00:11:54,454 I laugh at that line every single time. 303 00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:56,998 Oh, you laugh at that line every single time? Every single time? 304 00:11:57,124 --> 00:11:59,083 Why don't you explain to us what's so funny about that line? 305 00:11:59,209 --> 00:12:01,444 Well, the captain just came at her aggressively, 306 00:12:01,545 --> 00:12:03,880 and I thought there was something funny about the double entendre. 307 00:12:04,006 --> 00:12:06,299 Okay, fine. That is what's funny about it. You're right. 308 00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:08,250 But I... You didn't even know what an entendre was 309 00:12:08,385 --> 00:12:10,052 until I explained to you what an entendre was. 310 00:12:10,179 --> 00:12:12,764 Why don't you rewind it and then see who laughs first? 311 00:12:12,890 --> 00:12:14,432 -Because I would laugh first. -It's just a laugh. 312 00:12:14,558 --> 00:12:16,267 -No, no. I'm gonna rewind it. -All right, fine. 313 00:12:16,393 --> 00:12:18,461 -I didn't even push play yet. -That's two vocalizations each. 314 00:12:18,562 --> 00:12:20,021 I'm counting it as two vocalizations each. 315 00:12:20,147 --> 00:12:22,648 No, no, no. Because laughter is not a vocalization. 316 00:12:22,775 --> 00:12:25,193 Yeah? Cool. All right, fine, resume, resume it. 317 00:12:25,319 --> 00:12:28,237 -Jesus, learn the rules the first time. -Goddamn it. Goddamn. 318 00:12:28,363 --> 00:12:29,489 -[chattering on TV] -Pause! 319 00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:31,783 -What? What? Why? -[stammers] 320 00:12:32,409 --> 00:12:34,744 Bathroom break for those of us who have one. [chuckles] 321 00:12:34,870 --> 00:12:38,122 Getting a little bit cool and I think we should crank up the heat. 322 00:12:38,248 --> 00:12:41,626 Trial! We're having a trial. We're having a goddamn trial. 323 00:12:42,252 --> 00:12:43,920 [♪ jovial music] 324 00:12:44,713 --> 00:12:46,672 Goddamn, we've gone through the whole week. 325 00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:48,508 What the hell? Where are they? 326 00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:50,593 -[Frank] Who's that? -That's Cricket. 327 00:12:50,719 --> 00:12:52,662 -What's Cricket doing here? -Hey, buddy. No, no, no. 328 00:12:52,763 --> 00:12:54,889 -No, no. Hey, buddy. - I'll tell you exactly what he's doing. 329 00:12:55,015 --> 00:12:57,892 He's causing a distraction. Goddamn it. So, we didn't have an original idea. 330 00:12:58,018 --> 00:12:59,644 -...ask you to leave again. -Yeah, I'm... 331 00:12:59,770 --> 00:13:01,687 -There they are. -There they are. There they are. 332 00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:03,898 -We were right. There's the ladder. -You know, any of this can... 333 00:13:04,024 --> 00:13:07,443 [Dee] But they're also getting construction hats and coveralls. 334 00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:09,111 Why are they stealing all this stuff? 335 00:13:09,238 --> 00:13:11,948 No paper trail. Oh, they're no dummies. 336 00:13:12,074 --> 00:13:14,826 They knew I would go through their trash to find evidence. 337 00:13:14,952 --> 00:13:17,411 -Of course you would. -These guys are good. 338 00:13:18,205 --> 00:13:19,705 What the hell, Cricket? 339 00:13:20,082 --> 00:13:22,291 Why didn't you tell us you were helping Mac and Dennis steal stuff? 340 00:13:22,417 --> 00:13:25,169 Oh. That information was on a need-to-know basis. 341 00:13:25,295 --> 00:13:27,547 -I didn't think you needed to know. -Okay, well, we do. 342 00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:29,699 Yes, we do. What's the plan, Cricket? 343 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:34,053 Whoa, whoa, whoa. [chuckles] Slow down here, all right? Payment first. 344 00:13:34,179 --> 00:13:36,347 Huh? How about that? Payment first, bitch. 345 00:13:36,473 --> 00:13:37,849 All right, here. 346 00:13:38,475 --> 00:13:40,476 -One can of paint thinner. -Thank you. 347 00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:43,713 And in case you need to know, this is for getting high. 348 00:13:43,814 --> 00:13:45,815 That we didn't need to know because we already knew. 349 00:13:45,941 --> 00:13:47,733 Obviously. What's their plan? 350 00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:50,862 Two words. Taylor Swift. 351 00:13:57,995 --> 00:14:01,530 Order. Order. Okay, court is now in session. 352 00:14:01,665 --> 00:14:05,209 You'll each have a chance to present your evidence and make your case. 353 00:14:05,335 --> 00:14:08,838 Now, I think we can all agree that we're all very hot, 354 00:14:08,964 --> 00:14:10,590 okay, and our bladders are full. 355 00:14:10,716 --> 00:14:13,242 So let's keep vocalizations to a minimum. 356 00:14:13,510 --> 00:14:17,263 Laughs are allowed, but if sarcastic, will be labeled as such. 357 00:14:17,389 --> 00:14:18,389 Are we in agreement? 358 00:14:18,515 --> 00:14:20,215 -[Dennis] Aye. -[Mac] Aye. 359 00:14:20,350 --> 00:14:22,518 Oh. Very good. Then I have selected Dennis to go first, 360 00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:25,387 only 'cause he's more in my eyeline. You're a little bit off to the side. 361 00:14:25,522 --> 00:14:28,190 -Dennis, you have the floor. Go. -Well... [grunts] 362 00:14:28,942 --> 00:14:30,985 If JAG has taught us anything, 363 00:14:31,111 --> 00:14:34,822 it's that in order to argue your case, you must first establish the record, 364 00:14:34,948 --> 00:14:39,994 and I think you will find, Judge, that the record is crystal clear. 365 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,038 Exhibit A. 366 00:14:42,789 --> 00:14:45,108 Our Christmas card 2021. 367 00:14:45,208 --> 00:14:48,002 As you can see here, I'm rocking some pretty sweet chaps 368 00:14:48,128 --> 00:14:51,255 and I'm also rocking some pretty sweet sideburns. 369 00:14:51,381 --> 00:14:54,300 Mac, however, has no sideburns. 370 00:14:54,885 --> 00:14:59,138 Until the next year when he copied me. 371 00:14:59,264 --> 00:15:05,019 Boom! New card, new theme, same sideburns, different guy. 372 00:15:05,145 --> 00:15:08,689 He copied me. And then the next year, he copied my look. 373 00:15:09,066 --> 00:15:14,654 Observe. A lip bite, controlled, suggestive, a bit coy. [chuckles softly] 374 00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:16,489 Mac's expression... 375 00:15:18,575 --> 00:15:19,951 all veneers. 376 00:15:20,077 --> 00:15:23,579 Until the next year, in one of our best cards ever. 377 00:15:24,081 --> 00:15:27,541 Boom. There it is right there, Judge, 378 00:15:27,668 --> 00:15:30,086 in plain sight, or should I say, 379 00:15:31,213 --> 00:15:32,505 in plain bite? 380 00:15:34,341 --> 00:15:36,759 -That was sarcasm, by the way. -Okay, yeah. You have to label it. 381 00:15:36,885 --> 00:15:38,844 -Again, you have to label it as sarcasm. -I did. I did. 382 00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:40,963 -But there's a little pause... -Too much of a pause. 383 00:15:41,098 --> 00:15:43,224 -...and the pause doesn't help. -I would like to continue moving forward, 384 00:15:43,350 --> 00:15:45,184 -so that we don't lose the thread here. -Carry on. 385 00:15:45,310 --> 00:15:47,970 Okay. The next year, the man stole my IP. 386 00:15:48,105 --> 00:15:51,148 See, the idea for "Pimps and Ho Ho Ho's," that was my idea, 387 00:15:51,274 --> 00:15:53,985 but the next year's card, that was Mac's idea. 388 00:15:54,111 --> 00:15:56,737 "Ho, Ho, Hose." 389 00:15:56,863 --> 00:16:01,117 A blatant rip off of my idea and a blatant misuse of the pun. 390 00:16:01,243 --> 00:16:03,160 It is a misuse of the pun. It doesn't make much sense. 391 00:16:03,286 --> 00:16:06,247 So, as you can see, the record is consistent. 392 00:16:06,373 --> 00:16:09,458 The proof is clear. I innovate. 393 00:16:10,877 --> 00:16:12,327 Mac replicates. 394 00:16:12,462 --> 00:16:14,588 Well... [sighs] ...very persuasive, Mr. Reynolds. 395 00:16:14,715 --> 00:16:17,717 -I think so too. -Now, Mr. McDonald, the floor is yours. 396 00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:19,969 I'd like to respond with the truth. 397 00:16:20,595 --> 00:16:23,139 And the same cards. The man even copies my evidence. 398 00:16:23,265 --> 00:16:26,058 Same evidence. [chuckles softly] Different story. 399 00:16:26,184 --> 00:16:30,771 Now witness, "The Good, The Bad, and The Jolly." Dennis... 400 00:16:31,189 --> 00:16:34,108 sideburns, but the following year? 401 00:16:35,318 --> 00:16:36,485 No sideburns. 402 00:16:36,611 --> 00:16:38,612 [stammers] Wait, hold on. Objection. 403 00:16:38,739 --> 00:16:41,407 Uh, sideburns were not period in the roaring '20s. 404 00:16:41,533 --> 00:16:44,660 That's true. You know, the sideburns were not period in the roaring '20s. 405 00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:45,953 Uh, please explain the lip bite. 406 00:16:46,079 --> 00:16:47,705 I was covering up a cold sore 407 00:16:47,831 --> 00:16:50,124 that I got from playing basketball with an Ecuadorian man. 408 00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:53,836 Objection. There's no known evidence of, uh, herpes 409 00:16:53,962 --> 00:16:55,871 being transmitted through the playing of basketball. 410 00:16:56,006 --> 00:16:57,506 I agree, I'll allow that. 411 00:16:57,632 --> 00:17:02,011 I... received the cold sore meeting an Ecuadorian man 412 00:17:02,137 --> 00:17:04,180 -in an abandoned basketball court. -Oh... 413 00:17:04,306 --> 00:17:06,973 Okay. Well, that's a different story, Mr. McDonald. 414 00:17:07,099 --> 00:17:09,018 So, let's please keep our evidence truthful. 415 00:17:09,144 --> 00:17:13,189 Okay, it was 2:00 a.m. His name was Hector. 416 00:17:13,315 --> 00:17:14,522 He was covered in sores, 417 00:17:14,648 --> 00:17:16,108 -but it was worth it-- -Your Honor-- 418 00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:17,693 -[Frank] Ha! -Ha! 419 00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:19,653 -[ladder clatters] -Gentlemen. 420 00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:22,073 -Why did you do that? It was open. -Yeah and what are you wearing? 421 00:17:22,199 --> 00:17:23,598 Oh, why? Does it look familiar? 422 00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:25,867 We figured out what the ladder was all about. 423 00:17:25,993 --> 00:17:28,119 There's a Taylor Swift concert tonight. 424 00:17:28,246 --> 00:17:33,084 And you were gonna crash, bash, or climb your way in. 425 00:17:33,210 --> 00:17:35,628 Yeah, there was never any spin kick planned. 426 00:17:35,754 --> 00:17:38,506 You were gonna get a signed picture with Taylor 427 00:17:38,632 --> 00:17:40,616 and write some sort of catchy slogan on it, 428 00:17:40,717 --> 00:17:43,886 -like, um... like-- -Taylor Christmas. 429 00:17:44,805 --> 00:17:47,306 Uh... Yeah, it's not very... it's not very catchy, 430 00:17:47,432 --> 00:17:50,309 but we hadn't gotten that far, but it doesn't matter, okay? 431 00:17:50,435 --> 00:17:52,795 'Cause we are gonna steal your idea. 432 00:17:52,896 --> 00:17:54,730 Goddamn, why is it so hot in here, you guys? 433 00:17:54,856 --> 00:17:57,983 -It's sweltering. -Yeah, well, hang on. Hang on a second. 434 00:17:58,652 --> 00:18:01,278 You guys were gonna do a Christmas card without me? 435 00:18:01,404 --> 00:18:04,156 -No. No. She's lying, dude. -No. No. Yeah. 436 00:18:04,282 --> 00:18:06,309 Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm lying? I got evidence. 437 00:18:06,409 --> 00:18:10,646 I got a case, and we're gonna lay it all out right here with a trial. 438 00:18:10,747 --> 00:18:13,582 No, no, no... Dee, we just had... we just had a trial. 439 00:18:13,708 --> 00:18:15,709 -I can't do another trial. -I can't hold it. I gotta pee. 440 00:18:15,836 --> 00:18:18,337 -I gotta turn down the heat! -Pau... Pause! 441 00:18:19,047 --> 00:18:21,632 -You guys are faking? -You copied my faking. 442 00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:25,344 No, I... I got the idea to fake from an episode of JAG. 443 00:18:25,470 --> 00:18:26,804 Guys, why would you do this? 444 00:18:27,430 --> 00:18:29,849 -I didn't wanna lose the race. -I didn't wanna lose the race. Oh. 445 00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,934 Guys, don't you see what's happening here, you know what I mean? 446 00:18:32,060 --> 00:18:34,303 All this need to, like, take credit for whose idea was what, 447 00:18:34,437 --> 00:18:36,105 and not filling each other in on our plans. 448 00:18:36,231 --> 00:18:38,107 It's putting us all at the bottom rung of the ladder. 449 00:18:38,233 --> 00:18:40,109 -[Dee scoffs] Yeah. -You know? 450 00:18:40,235 --> 00:18:41,844 And you know who's at the top of the ladder looking down on us? 451 00:18:41,945 --> 00:18:43,654 -Jesus. -I knew you were gonna say that. 452 00:18:43,780 --> 00:18:45,739 No. It's Schmitty. It's Schmitty. He's looking down on us. 453 00:18:45,866 --> 00:18:48,242 But the point is that, like, Schmitty's always gonna be topping us 454 00:18:48,368 --> 00:18:50,870 when we're putting each other on a need-to-know basis, okay? 455 00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:54,123 So, can we just team up on this thing? You know, get together on this? 456 00:18:54,249 --> 00:18:56,125 Dennis, what was the plan with the ladder? 457 00:18:56,251 --> 00:18:58,961 [sighs] All right, fine. Well, the first thing you guys need to know 458 00:18:59,087 --> 00:19:02,031 is that you don't climb the ladder, you carry it. 459 00:19:02,132 --> 00:19:03,465 -Wait, what do you mean? -Well... Okay. 460 00:19:03,592 --> 00:19:05,759 Mac and I came up with a theory together 461 00:19:05,886 --> 00:19:09,221 that two men carrying a ladder would be granted access anywhere. 462 00:19:09,347 --> 00:19:14,643 So, we decided to test that theory out at the Linc... 463 00:19:15,103 --> 00:19:16,312 at an Eagles game. 464 00:19:20,775 --> 00:19:22,568 At a Monster Truck Jam. 465 00:19:22,986 --> 00:19:25,779 Turns out there's something about two men carrying a ladder 466 00:19:25,906 --> 00:19:28,782 that just allows you access to anything. 467 00:19:28,909 --> 00:19:32,494 And it worked over and over and over again. 468 00:19:34,372 --> 00:19:37,124 They assume you're there to work, and they let you pass right through. 469 00:19:37,250 --> 00:19:40,461 Two men with a ladder can get in anywhere. 470 00:19:40,587 --> 00:19:42,071 So, that's what we're gonna do. 471 00:19:42,172 --> 00:19:44,006 We're gonna suit up, we're gonna grab our ladder, 472 00:19:44,132 --> 00:19:46,967 and we are gonna walk right into that Taylor Swift concert, 473 00:19:47,093 --> 00:19:49,211 and nobody is gonna stop us. 474 00:19:49,346 --> 00:19:51,513 [♪ rousing music playing] 475 00:19:52,515 --> 00:19:53,766 -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -[♪ music stops] 476 00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:56,644 What are you people doing with this ladder? 477 00:19:57,229 --> 00:19:59,521 [♪ jovial music] 478 00:20:00,690 --> 00:20:04,401 You know, two people carrying a ladder, that makes sense, 479 00:20:04,527 --> 00:20:07,529 but four men and a useless chick, that's suspicious. 480 00:20:07,656 --> 00:20:09,406 It doesn't make any sense, you know, 481 00:20:09,532 --> 00:20:11,600 and that's why everybody's on a-need-to-know basis. That is why. 482 00:20:11,701 --> 00:20:13,118 Whose idea was the ladder anyway? 483 00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:15,104 -Oh, that was actually my-- -Mine, of course. 484 00:20:15,205 --> 00:20:16,956 -Are you serious? -It was my idea. 485 00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:19,917 -So most definitely my idea. -Mac, are you kidding me with this? 486 00:20:20,043 --> 00:20:22,111 -It was... Oh! -Maybe we should have another trial. 487 00:20:22,212 --> 00:20:23,837 -I can do a race. -Well, let's go. Let's race. 488 00:20:23,964 --> 00:20:25,948 -What? Oh, my God. -Son of a bitch. 489 00:20:26,049 --> 00:20:28,425 Well, no point in racing, or trials, or any of that shit 490 00:20:28,551 --> 00:20:31,136 'cause we're not going to beat Schmitty's card this year. 491 00:20:31,263 --> 00:20:32,638 He got to the idea first. 492 00:20:32,764 --> 00:20:35,933 -He took a picture with Taylor? -No, even better. 493 00:20:36,518 --> 00:20:38,352 [all] Oh. 494 00:20:38,478 --> 00:20:40,396 -That is... That's awesome. -There's no way you can beat that slogan. 495 00:20:40,522 --> 00:20:42,231 -[Dennis] Yeah. -[Dee] Yeah. 496 00:20:42,357 --> 00:20:44,233 -[Charlie] That's as cool as it gets. -[Dee] Look at that. 497 00:20:51,992 --> 00:20:55,327 [♪ "Temptation Sensation" playing] 498 00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:25,274 [♪ song ends]