So how many restraining
orders does the waitress have on you?
Oh, a lot, dude.
I mean, she's been irritated
with me, and she's, like, "You got me fired from the Oldies Rock Cafe.
You're gonna get me fired from
the coffee shop."
This is incredible.
You got to listen to this message.
Come here.
Seriously, this chick is so in is so in love with me
it's crazy.
Hi, Dennis, it's Caleigh.
I was just calling to let you
know that I hope you die!
You are obviously a terrible
person with no regard for anyone
but yourself.
I never ever want to see you
again, you steaming pile of horseshit!
Go to hell!
Bro, that's amazing.
That's, that's the best one yet.
It's a really good one,
isn't it?
What are you
talking about?
She hates your guts.
Dee, this chick is so in love
with me, she doesn't even know it.
They don't get it because
you haven't explained it to them, bro.
Oh, guys, I have a system,
a foolproof system for getting
any chick's undying love and devotion for life.
What the hell are you talking about, dude?
I'm talking about
the DENNIS System.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the DENNIS System is a
comprehensive approach to
seduction that I have perfected
over the years.
See, my success with women does
not solely stem from my good
looks and my charm.
There is a careful systemic
approach that has allowed me
to become the playboy that
I am today.
A playboy?
Is that how you see yourself?
Yes.
He has banged a lot
of chicks.
You know, just shut up, Dee.
Just shut up.
Now, the first step to any
erotic conquest is to D:
"Demonstrate Your Value."
In this most recent case,
my subject was Caleigh,
a cute pharmacist.
I demonstrated my value to her
by filling a prescription.
I told her, "It's for my
grandmother; she's quite ill,"
thus demonstrating my value as
a loving grandson and all-around
great guy.
You're forging
prescriptions now?
That's the easy part, Dee.
I would have gone in
and bought a box of Magnum
condoms, thus demonstrating that
I have a monster dong.
Right. That comes off a
little bit desperate, Frank.
Now if you want to have a Magnum
condom peeking out of your
wallet when you go to pay,
that's a different story.
Now let's move on.
Once you've demonstrated your
value, you are going to want to
ask her out.
Once you've asked her out...
you move on to E:
"Engage Physically."
I personally try to engage the
girl physically without ever
going on the date, which to me
is really just a waste of time
and money.
I'll tell her I know this great
little restaurant that doesn't
take reservations.
That makes it sound cool, makes
it sound exclusive.
And then we get to the
restaurant; the restaurant
is closed, as of course,
it always is on Sundays.
So I'll feign surprise and say
something along the lines of,
"Well, I guess we could grab
a pizza and watch a movie at
my place."
That's where I come in.
Oh, you're a part of this?
Oh, yeah, Mac has a very
special place in my system.
Yeah, you see, I'm on the
couch when they come in and
ask to be alone.
And I say, "I can't go into my
room because I found a black
widow spider in there."
And then Dennis fires back that
he wants some privacy so they
can get to know each other
more better.
And then I say... Oh, well,
I guess we could always eat the
pizza on my bed and watch the
DVD in my room.
And once we're on my bed,
it is game over.
I engage her physically,
and the sexual waltz begins.
The pizza's good.
You're the one that's good.
Smooth! Very, very smooth
stuff, very classy.
I'm learning a lot from you
right now, dude.
Okay. Now, once you've had
sex with the woman, she will
naturally start to depend on
you, okay?
All women do this.
They certainly do.
You got that right.
Sex with women.
Once you bang 'em...
Like that.
Right, right.
Which brings me to the first N:
"Nurturing dependence."
You're gonna want to nurture
that dependence that she's
feeling on you now, guys.
Have her car towed.
Or you can slash her tires.
Either way, make her depend on
you for rides.
Or you can use my personal
go-to, which is to create a
fictional angry neighbor who's
threatening her and tell her
you'll take care of him.
Hit up a pay phone so that she
can't trace the calls back
to you.
Give her a call and say
something along the lines of...
I'm watching you, you bitch!
You're gonna die tonight!
Oh, for Christ's sake,
you're a complete sociopath!
Don't interrupt, okay?
Now, if you completed all the
other steps properly up to this
point, she'll naturally want
to take the relationship to
the next level, but you're not
gonna do that.
You're gonna do the exact
opposite: pull back, guys.
Pull back.
Which brings me to the second N:
"Neglect Emotionally."
Stop taking her phone calls.
Cancel all your plans.
Maybe that fictional angry
neighbor that you've simulated
comes back, and this time you're
not around to cool him off.
Hello?
Welcome to hell!
This will frighten the shit
out of her, okay, and she'll
start getting really mixed up
because you're not there to
protect her.
She'll start questioning her
self-worth, start questioning
her self-esteem.
And that's the perfect time to
I: "Inspire Hope."
In Caleigh's case, I went to her
window and I screamed...
Caleigh, listen, listen, wait.
I want to tell you that the
reason I was distant is because
I was afraid you that were gonna
break my heart,
and I got scared.
But I'm not scared anymore,
baby.
I love you.
I need you.
And then naturally, we bang.
And this is the best bang of
all because it's very emotional
for her.
You see, she thinks she's broken
through my tough exterior and
coerced affection from a man
who is afraid to love.
And then I slink out into
the night, never to talk
to her again.
Separate Entirely.
Yes, Mac, that's right.
S: "Separate Entirely."
D-E-N-N-I-S.
The DENNIS System.
That, my friends, is the key
to winning any girl's heart.
Good stuff.
Better than I remember it.
Are you kidding me?
You are not winning their
hearts; you're torturing them,
and they end up hating you.
Actually, Dee, they end up
loving me more than they ever
thought was possible.
And you set it up so you can
get these chicks back at any time, huh?
That's exactly right, Charlie.
You're really picking up on this
I'm proud of you, bud.
Okay, there is no way that
girl is gonna come back to you
after what you just put her through
Oh, I could absolutely get
that girl back anytime I want.
I just choose not to.
I 100% guarantee you this
girl's finished with you.
Well, I take that as a
challenge, Dee, and I accept
that challenge.
I'll have her back by the end of
the day.
Yeah, Dee, you just don't get
it, okay?
This is what men do!
Yeah.
This is what men do!
This is men stuff!
Yeah!
Men stuff!
You're probably getting
DENNIS'd right now by that new
boyfriend of yours and you don't
even know it.
What boyfriend?
She don't have a boyfriend!
Yes, I do.
Ben-- you know, the online
soldier that I met.
We're back together now, so...
What?
That dude wouldn't date you
after what you put him through.
Maybe he'd DENNIS you, but he
wouldn't date you.
He's not DENNISing me.
He's in the car right now.
I told him to wait for me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
So, wait, your guy has been
waiting out here the whole time
in the hot sun?
Yeah, I just told him to wait
for me.
He kind of just does whatever I
say.
It's pretty great.
Why'd you tell him to do it
with the windows up?
I know, the engine's not even on
That's just cruel.
I didn't. I didn't.
I just didn't tell him to do it
with the windows down.
He's not, you know, the
smartest, but...
Dee, it's, like, 100 degrees
outside.
I'm assuming that he has
engaged you physically?
Well, I mean, of course we've
engaged physically.
Look at that body.
It is stupid.
Of course we've engaged over and
over physically.
But that doesn't mean that he's
pulling some sort of a system.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Dee.
I didn't see you there.
Are you almost done?
Yeah, yeah.
I just, I got caught up in a
story.
But I'll be done pretty soon.
Oh, oh, okay.
Well, do you want me to come in?
No! No, I don't, no.
You just, you just stay where
you are and...
You know what, I'll text you
when I'm wrapping up, and then
you can crank the A.C., cool the
car off for me.
Sure thing.
Okay.
See you, fellas.
Okay.
We'll see you, man.
Dee, you're getting played.
You're getting played
big-time.
He's not doing...
Big-time!
...anything.
He's just-- I told him to sit...
And there you go.
Good to see you.
See you soon.
Bye.
Hey, Caleigh.
What do you want?
Listen, before you say
anything, I just want to say
that I'm really sorry for
everything that went down
between us.
It's all my fault.
Nana took a turn for the worst,
and it's got me in a really bad
place.
I just... I don't know what
I would do if she died.
I don't think your
grandmother exists, Dennis.
I beg your pardon.
Uh, yeah, I looked into it;
there's no, um, uh, Dr. Toboggan
in Philadelphia either.
Oh, no, yeah.
He doesn't...
He's not based in Philly.
Oh, no?
No, it says "Philadelphia" right
there.
Oh.
Yeah, no, that... I'm gonna call
him because if he's still
giving people prescriptions on
that pad, those people could get
in a lot of trouble.
Oh!
Whoa.
W-What the hell are you doing
here?
I'm swooping in on your
chick.
What? No, dude.
I'm trying to re-DENNIS this
chick, so I can shove it in
Dee's face.
What, uh, what is this swooping
in business?
Oh, that's my system--
the MAC.
"Move in After Completion."
I wait till you're done with
them, and then I swoop in, give
them a shoulder to cry on, and
then we hump.
Oh, you've been humping these
girls after I'm done with them?
Oh, yeah, dude.
I come in as the sensitive
intellectual type.
Why do you think I'm always
reading books and shit when we
do the spider routine?
I thought you were just my
wingman though.
No, no, I'm swimming in your
wake.
Hey, what are you two
dickheads doing here?
What are you doing here?
What do you mean?
I'm here for the scraps.
Frank, I haven't had a chance
to get in there yet, okay?
So just...
What's taking you so long?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What, you have a system where
you come in after Mac?
That's right.
I come in after Mac.
But he's taking, like, forever
this time.
I got my Magnum condoms.
I got my wad of hundreds.
I'm ready to plow.
You should see him feast.
He's like a mantis.
It's amazing.
Oh, that's good.
Call me that from now on.
Mantis.
No, nobody's calling you
Man...
Look, you guys got to back off,
okay?
I'm trying to re-DENNIS this
chick.
No, you back off.
Wait-wait a second, Frank.
He's right.
It's a delicate ecosystem.
We got to...
we got to stick with it.
Just let him do his thing, and
then we'll come in for seconds
and scraps.
Get out...
Just play it cool.
...before she sees you.
Hurry up though, because...
Magnum condoms and a wad of
hundreds.
Idiot.
This is so exciting.
You're gonna love this.
Okay, just stop right there.
Okay, and off with the...
Okay, here we are!
I set up a picnic for us!
What the hell are you doing?
What...? I-I set up a picnic.
Do you, do you not like picnics?
Okay, all right, I know
what's going on.
I-I'm onto you, guy.
You bring me out here to some
landfill in the middle of
nowhere.
You blindfold me so I have no
idea where I am.
I'm gonna depend on you to get
home...
Dee, do you want to go?
Yeah, oh, yeah!
I want to go, but not with you.
I'll go all by myself.
I'll take the bus.
And I'll also take this.
Thank you.
Well, here.
Do you want a glass?
No, stop it!
What... do you need bus fare?
I don't need bus fare.
I'm not sure the bus comes
out here anyway.
Okay, I'll walk then, okay?
What...? In your heels?
They're very nice.
Here, take my boots!
Stop it!
Stop trying to make me depend on
you, okay?
I'm fine all by myself, buddy.
I'm doing just fine by myself.
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?!
I'm fine!
Well, just, look, just stay
there.
I'm gonna come down to help.
Leave me alone!
I won't give you the
satisfaction!
I'm fine!
I'm independent.
What...?
I-I don't need you!
Wait...
I don't need anybody!
Where you going?!
Shut up!
Oh, what the hell?!
Oh, what the hell, Charlie?!
Hey!
Look who's home.
Uh, well, hang on a second.
What you doing there?
Oh, I'm calling the police.
Uh, no!
Uh, you don't have to call the
police.
Check it out.
I'm here just to fix your
garbage disposal.
Is that a bag of hair in your
hand, Charlie?
Ah...
Have you been breaking into
my apartment and shoving hair in
my sink?
Okay, okay.
Let's start over.
We're getting way off topic
here.
I would like you to focus on the
amount of value that I'm
demonstrating to you by fixing
your garbage disposal.
Will you just get the hell
out of my apartment?
Are you sure?
'Cause your garbage disposal...
Pretty sure.
It's way worse than when I
got here.
I think you should get out.
All right.
I like this blouse you're
wearing; that's nice.
Is that new?
What is that?
It's modern, right?
This is my uniform that I
have to wear for my other job,
and it's ugly.
Well, now, it's not ugly.
It's just...
You know, it's unique.
So, what's this new job?
I work at the fair.
Working at the fair!
Well, look at us, you know?
I'm a plumber.
You're a fair worker.
They go well together, right?
Get out of my apartment.
Oh, all right.
I don't know.
I did everything right and I
can't get past the letter "D,"
dude.
Okay.
Well, what did you do, exactly?
I broke into her place.
I ripped her sink apart.
I brought a bag of hair.
You know what I mean?
And I come across looking like
a total jerk.
Yeah, of course, because
nothing that you just described
sounds correct.
These are totally the type of
things...
You were talking about slashing
a girl's tires and doing scary
voices.
Do you know anything about
plumbing?
Uh, no.
Maybe it's just over my head,
this system.
You know, maybe I should just
stick to stalking.
No.
Maybe that's my system.
She got a job at the fair.
It could be fun to stalk her at
a fair.
Jesus Christ on the cross.
You look like shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's 'cause I spent the
night in the woods, trying to
demonstrate my independence.
Okay, clearly, none of you
have any idea how to run my
system.
Goddamn...
All right, I'm going to get
everybody what they want,
including myself.
Let me just think for a second.
Let me just work something out
here and, um...
Whoa.
What's he doing?
Just shut up and let him work.
We're going to the fair.
That will provide the perfect
setting for all of our needs to
be met.
Charlie, you'll demonstrate your
value to the waitress by winning
a prize at her booth.
Good, dude, then I give her
the prize and that's good.
Mm-mm.
No, that's dead wrong, actually.
You're going to take the prize
and award it to the bustiest
woman you can find.
Okay, your indifference to the
waitress will only make you
more attractive to her.
Oh.
Now, Dee, because of your
ridiculous missteps, you
actually have no value, so your
only hope is to lower Ben's
value.
You're going to do this by
flirting with a carny in front
of him.
Oh, gosh, yeah.
I don't know if I want to deal
with a carny.
No, no one likes dealing with
carnies and that's why Frank
will pose as one.
Now, Mac, you're the final piece
in this puzzle.
I need you to resume your role
as the thoughtful roommate and
invite Caleigh out to the fair.
There, I shall be waiting to win
back her heart.
How you going to do that?
I got to get myself a
grandmother.
What's happening?
What's happening is we're at
the fair, Gladys, and you're
going to act like my grandma,
okay?
My grandmother had an affair
with Susan B. Anthony.
I don't give a shit.
Look, paying you not to talk,
all right?
So...
Well, hello.
This is a coincidence, huh?
No, it's not.
No, it's not, but it's
exciting, isn't it?
So, uh, what game do we have
here?
What game is this?
"Speed Pitch."
That's all you do?
You throw a pitch?
I mean, what prizes are there?
There are no prizes, Charlie.
It's just to see, "How fast can
you throw?"
Oh, well, then, I guess I'll
demonstrate my value to you by
firing off a wicked hot
fastball, huh?
You know this game is for
children, right?
I don't care it's for kids.
All right?
Let me demonstrate my value to you
Please.
When I was little, all the
kids would beat me up and call
me "bookworm."
Right this way, Nana.
Kids are so brutal.
Oh.
Hi, Mac.
Caleigh.
I didn't see you there.
What are you doing here?
This is my nana.
She's-She's on the mend, so I
wanted to get her out of the
house.
This is your grandmother?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this is Nana.
Yeah, isn't she precious?
My grandmother was a lesbian.
Well?
How's it look?
It's great.
You look like a lizard.
I like turtles.
Okay.
Ooh, look, a carny.
Frank.
Hey, Frank.
Ooh.
What are you doing?
Lose the tie.
You're way overdressed.
I got a new angle.
What?
Leave us alone.
Yeah, but listen.
Just listen to me for one
second, okay?
Dennis, I've been looking all
over for you!
Where you been?
Hello.
Dr. Toboggan.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
Frank, what the hell are you
doing?
Uh, actually, it's Mantis.
Mantis Toboggan, M.D.
I got your test results.
You're positive.
You got the HIV.
Yes, AIDS, big-time.
Dennis, what are you...?
You got the AIDS, big-time.
What are you doing, dude?
Did you see her face?
Look at her. Look at her.
I'm breaking her down.
I'm making her feel worthless.
You see?
She thinks she's got the HIV.
And I slip in.
Get it?
There's an order here, dude.
Get back in line.
No more thirds for Frankie.
Seconds from now on.
All right!
That was all right.
15.
It's cause I'm getting tired.
All right?
My arm's blown out.
Hey, "Speed Pitch."
You want to play?
Okay.
Oh, hey, wait, wait.
Hey, guy.
You work here?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Oh, shit, Ben.
Look, a carny.
Hey.
So, I wonder if there's a
kissing booth anywhere close.
64.
Ow! Ow!
Oh, you stabbed me!
He stabbed me with a key!
Someone!
Someone call a doctor!
Ow!
You idiot!
Why would you stab me?
I was flirting with you.
That guy paid me to.
You weren't supposed to stab
her, man.
You were supposed to stab her!
What?!
You want to have me stabbed?
I was going to protect you
from the stabbing.
Wrong! Wrong!
Wrong!
You're supposed to let her get
stabbed, hope that it hits a
main artery, and then, as she's
dying, you nurse her back to
health, thereby making her
totally dependent on you.
Oh...
See, this is why nobody
should be going off my system.
What do you mean, "off your
system"?
My system of seduction that I
used to win your heart that
these idiots are ruining right
now.
Ben's the only one who's using
it properly.
Ben, please explain how the
system works.
I don't know what you're
talking about.
Are you telling me you had
your face painted like a goddamn
frog person and you have no
ulterior motive here?
I'm a lizard.
Ooh, whoops.
Ooh.
I dropped my monster condom that
I use for my magnum dong.
I'm out of here.
No.
I'll give you a ride.
Thank you.
What?
What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
Dee, I don't like you.
Well, how is that possible?
You're a mean person.
Ah, well...
Oh, you wou...
You go!
You get out of here!
Way to go, jerks.
Good job.
Yeah, you know, "way to go,"
to you.
You work in a fair, carny.
All right, don't call her a
carny.
I don't need you to take up
for me.
Get out of here.
Shut up!
Just go!
Yeah, yeah.
You goddamn idiots ruining
my system.
Everybody ruins my system.
Nobody gets it.
System, my ass.
I hate carnivals.
I need a ride.
Sinc by ReHelen- Corrected by chamallow35
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