CHARLIE: Now, keep in mind
we've been locked in this
parking garage stairwell for
like 20 minutes, dude.
MAC: Okay, so then we turn
around and what do we see?
A scary homeless dude.
And I'm like, "Oh, shit!"
Yeah, and I'm like, uh, you
know, like, I'm like, "What do
we-- what do we do?" you know.
And then Mac, he's just like--
"Just chill!"
And I'm like, "How do we chill,
dude?"
Yeah, and I'm all, "Oh, shit,
he's gonna talk now."
Yeah, and I'm-I'm all like,
"How do you know he's gonna
talk?"
And I'm like, "Because his
mouth is opening."
And then he did talk.
Yeah, and then he goes-- he
goes, "I-I'll let you out of the
stairwell, 'cause I have the
key, because I'm the security
guard instead."
That's a cool story, huh?
Right?
DENNIS: Okay, so, uh, just so
I'm clear on the story that you
just told.
Yeah.
It was about you guys
getting locked in a garage
stairwell for 20 or so minutes.
Yeah.
And then a security guard
came along, and the security
guard let you out...?
Well, yeah, but, I mean, it's
how you tell the story that
makes it good.
How you told the story was by
far the worst part of the story.
You weren't even paying
attention to us, dude.
No, all you're doing is
playing on that stupid phone.
FRANK: Why you rubbing on the
phone?
Let me rub on it.
What-what are you doing?
No, no, no, hey, hey, Frank!
Get your greasy, fat sausage
fingers off my touch screen
phone.
This thing's new.
My fingers are not greasy.
Uh, you have four sausage
links in your pocket right now.
Yeah, but I don't touch the
sausage links.
Why should I do that when I can
let my shirt do the work.
Watch.
Mmm, no touching.
My, God, you're an animal.
SWEET DEE: Guess what,
boners?
I just got a part in an M. Night
Shyamalan movie.
What?!
Yeah, I'm a featured actress,
which means I'm going to be
featured in the scene.
What's an M. Night?
Wow.
Gross.
M. Night Shyamalan, the Indian
filmmaker from Philly.
Oh, my God, this dude's a big
deal, Frank.
He's like a true to life, uh,
Slumdog Millionaire.
He always puts some like
awesome twist at the end of his
movies to trick the audience.
Oh, yeah, yeah, like-like in
TheSixth Sense,you find out
that the dude, um, in that
hairpiece the whole time--
that's Bruce Willis the whole
movie.
That's not the twist.
That's not the twist to that
movie.
That wasn't the twist?
No.
I'll tell you about it later.
Watch it again. Watch it...
There were a lot of twists...
You know what?
You're going to need a very
crafty agent to squeeze
everything out of this slumdog.
I volunteer.
And I decline.
You are abusive and you smell
like warm meat and I want you to
leave me alone, 'cause this is
really important for me.
This is important for all of
us, okay?
This is an opportunity for
Charlie and I to get M. Night
our script.
Since when do you and Charlie
have a script?
Since you walked in here and
said you were in that movie.
We're great storytellers.
No, goddamn it!
No, come on, don't involve
yourselves in this.
Dee, you involved us in this
the second you walked in and
told us about the movie.
You really shouldn't have
done that, you really should...
Let's get to work!
Ho!
Ho! Let's get some beer.
Dude, we gotta get some beer.
Yeah!
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Whoa, whoa-- excuse me.
Can I help you?
Oh, great.
Nonfat, sugar-free, vanilla soy
latte-- three shots, no foam.
Also, why don't you go ahead and
let me in here so I can start my
vocal warm-ups.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
Who are you again?
Dee Reynolds, featured
actress. Yeah.
Reynolds? Great.
Could you send M. Night over,
also?
Because I have a couple
questions regarding the detes
of my character.
Right.
Says you're a "featured extra."
Okay.
Well, featured extra, featured
actress-- what's the difference?
Well, the difference is a
featured actress usually
auditions for the role, has
lines, gets a trailer.
Whereas a featured extra is a
person whose headshot we pull
off a pile, has no lines and
sits in that tent over there
till we're ready for her. Okay?
Hmm, okay.
Ah-ah-ah-ah...
Where are we on the coffee
situation?
Because it's early and I am
hungover.
Go sit in the tent. Now.
This tent?
That one. Thank you.
Yes, sir.
This is hard.
Hmm.
I mean, 'cause I want the
movie to be big, right?
You know?
And, like, a box office smash.
And we want to put, like, a lot
of meat in the seats, you know?
Yeah. Yeah. You know what
I'm thinking, dude?
You know what I'm thinking?
Something that's happening in
Hollywood that's, like, pretty
cool.
They take an underrated actor,
right, whose career's in a
slump, and then they make him a
star again.
That is awesome, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do that.
Yeah, so who's the most
underrated actor of all time?
It's Dolph Lundgren.
Correct. Why?
Well, because of his, uh,
spiky hair.
Yep.
His ice-cold demeanor and his
big muscles.
Absolutely. Okay. All right.
All right, so we have our actor.
Okay.
Okay, that's great.
Now we need a really great role
for him.
You know what I was thinking?
Scientists are cool.
What if he's a scientist?
Okay. Okay, a muscular
scientist.
I'm into that.
Right.
As long as we don't cover up
that body with a lab coat, bro.
No, dude.
He's wearing, like, a hot mesh
tank top.
I like that.
Now, does he, like, fight crime
or something?
Yeah, yeah, yeah-- he fights
crime, uh, with his brain and
his brawn.
Should we be writing this down?
(both laughing)
Okay, brains...
Brawn.
Muscles... oh! Dude!
Yeah?
I just got a Shyamalan twist
to put in this bad boy.
Okay. Lay it on me.
What if this scientist runs
around on all fours?
Why would he run on all
fours?
It's a science experiment
with a dog that goes absolutely
haywire.
Suddenly, he wakes up with the
ability to run around like
a hound.
You know?
We're not making the lead of
our big-budget action movie half
dog.
No, not half dog, he's all
dog.
Then why are we casting Dolph
Lundgren?
That will be the twist.
Dolph Lundgren will be the voice
of this dog.
That's not a twist.
That's a completely different
movie about a talking dog
scientist with the voice of
Dolph Lundgren.
All right, you know what?
Check this out.
What if it's a man with a few
dog-like qualities like, uh,
heightened sense of smell...
Jesus Christ, Charlie.
Or licking, or, um...
There's no-- w-wait a second.
A heightened sense of smell?
What if he can smell crime?
What if he smells crime!
Dude, dude-dude-dude
dude-dude-dude-dude!
What if he can smell crime
before it even happens?
Holy shit, dude, that's
amazing!
Smells crime before it even
happens!
Yes, dude!
Yes! Yes!
What if his entire head is just
one big nose?!
Write that down!
I like that!
It's one big nose on Dolph
Lundgren's body.
Oh, shit!
Whoa!
What?
No, no-no-no-no-no.
What are you two doing here?
Well, since you've declined
my offer to be your agent, I've
since taken on Dennis as a
client.
Denis has that "I don't give a
shit" attitude, which is
perfect for Hollywood, right,
Dennis?
I-I really don't care.
See? See?
Why do you want to be
everybody's agent all of a
sudden?
Because that's where the
money is.
What do you do?
You just put things together,
you sit back, you collect ten
percent and you let the client
do all the work.
Dennis doesn't give a shit,
right?
Stop talking to me.
Perfect.
Okay, well, you can't just
walk in here and get a part in
the movie.
It's not how it works.
Excuse me, sir.
Yes?
Can my client have a part in
your movie?
Sure. Here.
Fill out this form.
You do it.
I'll do it.
Unbelievable!
Hold on a second.
Hey, hey, assistant?
Hey. Hi, when's somebody going
to tell me what my part is?
What is your name again?
Dee Reynolds, I'm your
featured extra.
Right, you're a corpse.
A corpse.
Mm-hmm.
Like a zombie roaming through
the streets, looking for dead
bodies kind of corpse?
Nope. Like a dead corpse.
Just a dead corpse.
A lifeless body, lying in the
street.
Okay, all right.
We'll call you when we're
ready for makeup.
I know, I know, but hold on a
second. I have one more...
Don't be... Don't walk away from
me.
He just... He'll be back.
Dee, Jesus, you come off so
desperate.
Oh, Hollywood, Hollywood!
Hollywood!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, guys.
No, get out of here.
What is that?
What are you guys doing here?
We in a Hollywood situation.
Yeah.
Dennis just got a part in the
movie.
Sweet, dude. Thump it.
Uh.
Don't want to?
All right, so, uh... so where's
the slumdog?
We're ready for him.
Oh, you finished the script
already?
No, not exactly.
Yeah, we, uh... we didn't want
to get locked into anything, so
we came up with a pitch instead.
It's more like a series of
ideas in no particular order,
you know?
Yeah, we'll work out the
kinks later.
Yeah.
Oh, you hit a brick wall,
huh?
Mm.
Yeah. Dennis can help you
with that.
He is good at coming up with
awesome words.
You know, I wouldn't rule it
out.
You have to sign him on as a
producer. That okay?
Dennis, you want to be a
producer?
Yeah.
Sorry.
All right, we'll work out the
detes later, man.
Bro, maybe we got to find,
like, a cooler place.
Could we get a place with
some A/C on?
Let's have a meeting.
All right.
Let's have a meeting and some
A/C, man.
Leave it to me.
All right, you guys got 30
seconds. Blow my mind.
Blow his mind.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay, all right,
guys, guys, it's the prequel to
The Sixth Sense.
The Fifth Sense--the sense of
smell.
(ominous music plays)
Imagine a super-ripped, super-
smart scientist in a mesh tank
top... named Doctor...
Dolph Lundgren.
No, that's-that's not his
name.
It's... He's played by Dolph
Lundgren, but that's not the
character's name.
No. It could be the
character's name.
No. That's...
A doctor played by Dolph
Lundgren named Dolph Lundgren?
Yeah.
That's confusing to me.
That's...
No. More confusing than
making up an entirely new name
for a person?
That's gonna confuse people.
I'm taking over.
You are losing me.
Okay, okay. All right, all
right, all right...
Imagine a super-smart, ripped
scientist played...
by Dolph Lundgren...
Played...
...who-- after a terrible
accident in his lab-- blows off
his nose...
Oh.
After reconstructive surgery,
he soon realizes that he smells
something that stinks.
Crime...
This doctor smells crime?
Possibly also runs around
like a hound.
No, he doesn't run...!
I have to say don't rule it
out-- it's possible.
I didn't agree to that.
It's not in any of our notes.
He might run around like a
hound.
What do you think?
Okay... all right, first
things first.
You guys got to type some of
this shit out and get organized,
for Chrissakes.
Get your shit together.
Come on, I mean, that's
ridiculous.
Now, in terms of the story,
uh, clearly it's brilliant.
It's amazing...
Great idea, brilliant idea.
...and I like it a lot, but
there is one critical element
that's missing.
It needs a sexual punch-up.
We need to get a female lead
character in there that Dolph
can bang throughout the whole
movie.
Yeah, I kind of hate women,
though.
Oh.
I feel like they just slow
action movies down, too.
Right.
No, Mac, see, you're dead
wrong on that.
You're dead wrong.
See, one of the problems with
Shyamalan's movies is that they
lack a certain eroticism.
What if we were to bring... an
incredibly hot but skeptical
female lab partner into the mix?
And then that way, whenever
Dolph's not out busting heads
because he smelled crime, he's
back at the lab performing
outrageous sexual experiments on
her supple young body.
Now, here's the twist, and there
is a twist.
We show it.
We show all of it.
Because what's the one major
thing missing from all action
movies these days, guys?
Full penetration.
Guys, we're going to show full
penetration, and we're going to
show a lot of it.
(chortling)
I mean, we're talking, you know,
graphic scenes of Dolph Lundgren
really going to town on this
hot, young lab tech.
From behind, 69, anal,
vaginal, cowgirl, reverse
cowgirl-- all the hits, all the
big ones, all the good ones.
And then he smells crime again.
He's out busting heads.
Then he's back to the lab for
some more full penetration.
Smells crime, back to the lab,
full penetration.
Crime, penetration, crime, full
penetration, crime,
penetration...
And this goes on and on, and
back and forth for 90 or so
minutes until the movie just
sort of ends.
That is brilliant!
That is the most brilliant movie
I've ever heard in my life.
I think audiences are going
to be very uncomfortable seeing
Dolph Lundgren's naked penis
going into this young girl that
you're talking about.
Yeah, just to be clear,
though, I don't care either way.
Well, it was worth it, you
know, 'cause we got the chick
thing out of it.
Yeah, 30 seconds.
So this is good.
Okay, all right, well, maybe
we should type this stuff up and
then Frank will be in touch.
Yeah...
Okay, we'll type it up.
We'll type it up and think about
the representation thing.
Definitely, dude, definitely.
Okay, okay.
You don't have to rep him,
you could just rep me.
All right, let me just get
all this stuff.
We're not a writing team.
Okay, are we good?
Yeah, we're good.
Okay, we're good?
Go ahead, Charlie.
Okay, we'll get...
Frank, I write better without
him, so... okay.
(Frank mutters)
Okay, cool.
The Fifth Sense?
Mm-hmm.
Here we go, here we go.
Write, write, write a couple
words.
The... Fifth...
Dude, go faster.
Hold on, hold on. I can't.
Go faster.
Ah! I got it in my head.
I just, I can't type it fast
enough.
You can't type it at all.
If I could type more better,
then I think it would come...
Maybe we should get somebody
else who can type.
Mm-hmm.
Look at her, dude.
Might be good to have an older
lady in the mix, right?
Sort of a workhorse secretary?
Yeah, I don't care for her
demographic.
I find them judgmental.
Hmm.
You know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
We need someone more our...
hello.
Check out this one over here.
Does he look Indian to you at
all?
Oh, yes, dude.
It would be great to have an
Indian in our corner, right?
Oh, my God, they're natural
storytellers.
They're great with twists.
Psst! Psst.
Dude. Uh, where are you from?
Baltimore.
Right, right.
Baltimore. Sure, yeah.
Where are your parents from?
Jersey.
Oh. All right, getting
nowhere here.
You're so...
Yeah, well, ah...
Is anyone in your family from
India?
Pakistan.
Pakistan, now, that's...
Well, isn't...?
...a country somewhere.
So where is...?
Yeah, what's the difference
between that and...?
Well, they're right next to
each other-- both countries.
That's perfect.
Perfect.
That's close enough, dude.
There's probably a lot of
going back and forth.
Yeah, Pakistanis are probably
great with twists, too, in their
own kind of way, you know?
How'd you like to be in the
movie business?
Ma'am, how're you doing on
makeup in there?
We're ready.
Well, I'm okay, but I feel
like maybe they used a little
too much blood.
Ma'am, we need to move here.
Let's go. Let's go.
My gut feeling is they went a
little overboard.
I mean, can you even tell that
it's me?
Yeah, it's perfect.
It's perfect.
We just, uh, we need to pair you
up with a husband for the shot.
A husband?
Yeah.
How about this guy right
here?
That'll work.
(Frank laughs)
Holy shit, Dee.
This is like...
Wow, I could barely tell that
was you.
I mean, what did they dip you
by your heels into the blood?
That's ridiculous.
That looks so stupid.
Frank had them go a little
more subtle with me so you could
see my face-- I'd be featured.
This?!
Yeah.
This is it?!
Yeah.
How the hell did you manage
that?
You know, I'm working my ass
off.
Corpses, let go now!
Go on. Go on, go on.
Go on. Go on, will you?
Whatever.
Go ahead.
Everybody focus, get down
now.
Very simple shot.
Lot to do today.
Lot to do.
I need all corpses lying down.
We are losing light, people.
Let's go.
Ma'am, I need you to turn over.
Okay, I need you face down,
all right?
Face down?
Yes.
Oh, no, 'cause then you won't
be able to see my face.
Face down or in the pile of
bodies over there.
You pick it.
Face down.
That's what I thought.
All right, energy, energy.
But you're dead-- dead energy.
Dead energy, here we go.
I get it. I get it.
Okay, so he's on the edge of
this cliff throwing his nose off
in the ocean because he's at the
happiest point of his life.
No-no, no-no, no-no, no-no.
This is the scientist's lowest
point in the movie.
Okay, here he throws his nose
off the cliff into the ocean,
because he's rejecting his life
as a savior of all of mankind.
I finally just got it.
Oh, bro, that is...
Bro, that is deep shit, man.
That's nice, nice...
That's awesome.
It's nice.
Where are you landing on the
full penetration?
Oh, I'm into it.
Big time-- sleeping around.
The Injun says yes, so
that's what we're doing.
It's done, it's on.
Uh, but, but, I, I...
I mean, the title...
Uh, yeah, the title is...
The title sucks.
Come on.
The title sucks.
The Fifth Sense?
I mean, it's stupid.
Yeah.
Who came up, who came up
with that?
Stupid, man.
Come on, man.
Stupid.
Um, so why don't you type out
this whole movie real quick and
we'll go sell it to Shyamalan?
Yeah.
Oh, no, I don't write.
I'm a big picture kind of guy.
You don't write?
No, I...
(cell phone ringing)
Hello?
Dennis, hey.
We hit a wall on the pitch.
Uh, what pitch is that, man?
The pitch of the movie that
you're a producer on.
Oh, yeah, that thing.
Yeah, what's up with that?
We realized that none of us
are writers.
So we decided to play to our
strengths and make a poster.
What tells a person about a
movie better than a picture of
what the movie is?
What are your thoughts?
Uh, what are my thoughts?
My thoughts are, "That's
brilliant."
I think it's cool.
Cut!
Huh?
What are you doing?
Oh, shit, were you guys
rolling on that?
Yes, we were rolling on that.
Do not talk on your phone during
the shot, okay?
And you, ma'am?
Oh, me?
Do not roll over during the
shot.
Oh, I know.
But, you know what, I thought
about it.
I feel like it's better if I'm
right side up.
Back over.
"Back over."
Face down on the hot cement.
Let's roll it again, people.
Yeah, again!
(dramatic music plays)
(rapid gunfire)
(bodies and artillery thudding)
Brains...
(cell phone ringing)
Brains...
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
Cut! Cut!
What the hell are you doing?
Huh?
(ringing continues)
Why are you saying "brains"?
Oh, 'cause it's a zombie
movie.
It's like the Shyamalan twist.
I figured it out.
This is not a zombie movie.
It's a movie about Serbian
genocide.
(ringing continues)
Really? Huh...
You, sir!
Yes, sir, your phone-- it's
ringing!
Oh, yeah.
No, I know, but listen, man.
If you don't let me answer it
and solve my boys' problems,
then the phone's going to ring.
You can't have it both ways.
Can I talk or not?
Yeah, I've got to agree with
him on that one, buddy.
I mean, you're not being very
clear; which is it?
Turn your phone off!
You, miss-- don't improvise!
Let's go!
Okay, you know what?
I've had about enough of you
dicking me around all day, okay?
Where is M. Night?
I have questions for him.
Oh, no. Mr. Shyamalan isn't
directing this unit.
This is a simple pickup shot.
Hold on a second.
Where the hell is M. Night?
He's not here?
No.
What the hell's going on
here?
Well, he won't get off his
phone, for starters.
Give me your phone, Dennis.
What?
Give me your phone.
I heard that.
No, I'll tell you exactly
what's going on.
This guy has been treating me
like a dick wad all day long,
and I don't appreciate it.
All right, I'm going to fix
it, hon.
Thank you.
Fire both of them and I'll
take their spot.
What?!
Done. You're both fired.
What-- hold on a second.
What are you talking about,
Frank?
Being an agent is crap.
I want to be an extra, lay
around doing dick.
Great. Both of you, get your
shit out of the tent.
Get out of here.
All right, fine.
Hey, give me my phone back,
Frank.
Just to be clear, pal, I don't
care about any of this.
I got my own thing going on,
so...
(Dee whimpers)
I just gave you the old
Shyamalan twist.
Ah, maybe you did, maybe you
didn't, but I'll tell you what.
I don't care, either.
All right, what do I do?
Hey-oh!
Hey! Where is he, dude?
Where's Night?
We got it! We got it!
Dude! Dude, we totally got
it.
Brace yourself! Brace yourself!
Crime Stinks: The Smell of
Penetration.
He "Nose" the Truth.
Oh, okay.
Get it?
Yeah, I get it.
You get it?
Yeah, I, I get it.
Now, there is a lot going on
there with Dolph.
We had to make some artistic
compromises; I think we're good
with the body.
Yeah, but it's a lovable
character, it's a lovable guy.
You know, these are good
compromises.
Bottom line-- M. Night's going
to love it, so where is he?
Yeah.
Night, uh, well...
Oh, he's not here.
Jesus Christ, Dee, what
happened to you?
He brought in a B-team or
something like that, covered me
all in blood.
ThatSlumdogbastard twisted all
of us!
Oh, shit, dude, we need him
to execute our script.
Yeah.
Actually, you guys don't need
Shyamalan to execute your
script.
Because I've got the mother of
all Shyamalan twists in my hand
right here.
You see, you think I've just
been playing with my phone the
whole time, but you're wrong.
I've been writing a little movie
script of my own.
And I finished it right before
you guys called.
It's a horror movie about two
men trapped in a garage
stairwell, who get hunted down
by a psychotic homeless
killer...
who turns out to be a security
guard instead.
That's our story, dude.
Damn right it's your story,
and that's why you two guys are
going to be attached as
producers.
Nice, baby!
Producers! All right!
I feel like-- I'm a natural-born
producer.
I love showbiz, dude.
Guys, can I be in it?
Uh, you know, normally, Dee,
I would take this opportunity to
insult you, but I'm going to
throw an insane twist your way.
You're going to be the lead of
the film.
I am, really?!
No, you're not.
Twisted again.
Boom! Try and keep up.
Lot of twists.
Lot of twists in this thing, so
try and keep up.
There's so many twists, I
can't even follow it.
It's tough to follow.
All right, I'm going to pull
up the first scene right now so
you guys can get a little taste
of what else is going on in this
film; it's really good.
Yeah, lay us on it.
Lay us on it.
For some reason, the phone is
frozen and I'm having a little
trouble pulling up the scene.
It's frozen.
And why is there grease all
over...?
Is this Frank's g...
goddamn sausage grease?!
Frank, you froze my phone with
your sausage greasy fingers!
Frank, you son of a bitch!
(dramatic music plays)
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Cut! Cut!
For the love of Christ!