MAC: So what if I didn't go to college?
John McClane didn't go to college.
He defeats the bad guys using street smarts, and I got street
smarts. DENNIS: Mac, you do realize
John McClane's a fictional character who's voicing lines
written by screenwriters who almost certainly went to
college. DEE: Yeah, but Bruce Willis
dropped out of college, and that supports Mac's argument.
Yeah! Uh, no it doesn't, Dee.
And the fact that you can't understand that leads me to
believe that you are complete and total dum-dum, and therefore
are not going to get selected for this intelligence
experiment. Welcome, everybody, and thank
you for volunteering in this intelligence experiment.
I'm afraid, however, that we can only use one test subject.
I-I'm sorry, before you continue, um, I noticed you said
"volunteering," which implies a lack of compensation.
Volunteering's for suckers. Yes, the selected subject
will receive $1,000 in compensation.
DEE: There you go. That's what we're talking!
That's more like it. Okay, and listen, when it comes
to intelligence, I think you'll find that I am your man.
Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.
I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with
brainpower. But you and me, we know
different, huh? Uh, "you and I."
What? No, not you and I. Him and I, idiot.
In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both
of you. Dee, this man is smart enough
to know to avoid a proposition like that from someone like you.
To be clear, we're not looking for a subject with
superior intelligence. In fact, the complete opposite
would be, um, uh, preferable. Excuse me for a minute.
I'm sorry, wait, wait! That's a... sorry.
What are you doing? CHARLIE: I was gonna bash
your rat and take care of your rat problem.
Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please, this is, this is our lab
rat. His name's Armitage Shanks.
If he solves the maze, he gets the cheese.
And since we've been feeding Armitage a cerebral enhancement
formula, he's been solving these mazes seven times faster.
We'd like to try a formula out on a human subject.
What would you think about something like that?
A pill that could make you seven times smarter.
Cheese, huh?
Yeah, all right.
(buzzer sounds)
Ow! Shit!
What's your name, young man?
It's Charlie.
Hold up, dude, I want to get
this cheese here.
(buzzer sounds)
Aah! Shit!
Why don't you try the cheese
under the green light, Charlie?
I want this cheese.
(buzzer sounds)
Aah!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our test subject.
Thank you all very much for coming.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com.
Aw, Frank, you're intruding
upon my education.
This is crazy, Charlie.
That's crazy.
Aw, shut up.
Whoa, what the hell is this?
What are you doing, man?
Well, I'm trying to learn
Mandarin and listen to Beethoven
at the same time.
You see, I just realized that I
have two ears, so it's a waste
to only listen to one thing.
Let me guess this straight.
You just realized that you have
two ears?
Taking a pill is not gonna make you smarter, Charlie.
I don't know about that, Frank.
I've listened to five books on tape already this morning, five.
Charlie, come on, any idiot can listen to books on tape.
You're only doing that because you can't read, all right?
Trust me, if you're feeling any smarter, it's just a classic
case... BOTH:... of the placebo
effect. I considered that, but I
don't think that's it, Dennis. Whatever, you don't even know
what the word placebo... Placebo means from the Latin
"placebo," meaning "I shall please."
I listened to a chapter on that this morning.
This is... Such bullshit?
I wasn't gonna say... Gonna say that?
Dude, just because you're finishing our sentences, doesn't
make you s-s-s... BOTH: Intelligent.
Oh! (Charlie laughs)
Guys, guys, we've got a huge problem back there.
Ugh, big rat, like the biggest ever in the back office.
Uh, that sounds like Charlie work, so, Charlie, why don't you
hop on that, and be smart about it.
Good pleasantry, cute. How about no?
What do you mean "no"? How about you kill the rat?
You know what, that might occupy you guys for about a week or so,
and that'll give me some time to continue my education in peace.
That be nice. Let's do that. What are you talking about?
A week? To kill a rat? Wh-wh-what kind of a genius rat
are we talking about? You have to be a real moron
to get outsmarted by a rat, dude.
Well, bonjours, killing the the rat, my friends.
You're... Oh, and then I realized,
Tang See, that these so-called friends of mine have been
exploiting my labor for years. An astute observation.
Conforms with Marxist theories about the exploitation of the
proletariat. It completely conforms when
you think about it. Ah, Tang See, these-these
pills are having quite an effect on me.
And the combination with my readings is really leading me
into some rather large ideas. I think I could be on the verge
of something groundbreaking. Yes.
The work you're proposing will revolutionize the field.
Exactly, right? Now, Tang See, let's-let's talk
for a second. What do you think my IQ is now?
And be honest. Well, what do you think it
is? 175?
Wow. You know. Probably, yeah.
Now, I'm thinking if I were to double the dosage, I could break
200 easily. You have to be careful,
Charlie. This is uncharted waters here.
Have you been having any side effects?
Yes. Okay, yes. There's-there's been a-a slight
ringing in my ears. My-my legs grow numb from time
to time. I ache all over if I'm being
honest, but... (door opens)
I got Mongolian barbecue and Police Academy: Mission to
Moscow. Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank,
I got to stop you. Uh, tonight is really not the
best night for that, so I'm sorry, man.
But, Charlie, it's Gruesome Twosome Tuesday.
Yeah, uh, I know it is, pal, but...
What? I'm-I'm on the verge of
something really groundbreaking here and I-I really shouldn't be
playing these childish games anymore, nor should you.
We're the Gruesome Twosome. You don't have to keep
saying that, I know... (Frank grunting)
The sound effects won't help you.
The Gruesome Twosome. (Frank grunting)
They don't further your argument in any way.
(Frank grunting) (speaking Mandarin)
You speak Mandarin? Well, I do think I'm getting
it a little bit. (both speaking Mandarin)
(both laughing) (both speaking Mandarin)
(rat squeaking) Hey, Mac, Mac, I've located
him-- he's right near the hole. Oh, good, let me bash him!
No, no, no... (shushes) Oh, goddamn it.
He scurried away. All right, well, when he
comes back, I'm gonna smash him up good.
No, no, Mac, come on. We're smarter than that.
That's just gonna spread rat blood and disease all over the
place. It's not about brute force.
It's about seduction. See, I'm gonna place some
enticing tunes for the little guy.
And then I'm gonna bait this glue trap with some Brie cheese.
♪ And I want you here With me
♪ From tonight until The end of time
You should know... ♪ Hey, you guys catch that rat
yet? Any minute now, Dee.
I'm telling you, glue traps are barbaric and messy.
I have come up with the intelligent solution.
Ultrasonic rodent repellant. It emits a high-pitched sound
that obliterates their teeny rat eardrums.
Stupid rats. Uh, those things don't work,
Dee. Oh, no?
Okay, how about we do a little wager.
The rat gets trapped to your glue trap and you win.
The rat scurries away and never comes back again, then I am
crowned the smartest in the... Oh, God, gross.
Is that cheese? Get it off me!
Get it off, I'm st... I'm stuck to your glue!
You guys! You've trapped yourself on a
trap that was designed for a rodent with a brain the size of
a walnut. Now a normal-size woman would
probably just be able to slide her hand right out, but with
those giant man hands... Yeah, you really don't stand
a chance, Dee. Okay, I get it.
(rat squeaking) Do you hear that?
I hear it-- oh, God, it's coming!
It's coming to eat its cheese. You guys, help!
Odd that it hasn't been repelled by your supersonic rat
scarer, Dee. Guys! It's on me!
It's on my hand! Oh, it's climbing up my hand to
eat the cheese. Now, where this gets
interesting is when the rat finishes the cheese.
Ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibble her hand down to a tiny, bloody
stump, then she could just slide it right out.
Hey. Ah, goddamn it, it's gone.
It ate its cheese and then ran away.
It didn't get stuck to the glue. Huh, maybe this rat is a
little bit smarter than we gave it credit for, Mac.
Hmm.
He is whatever, I mean, is he okay? Sure.
Is he fine? He's fine.
All I'm saying is that Stephen Hawking is much more of a Lady
Gaga than, you know, Johann Sebastian Bach.
He-he's not, he's a pop culture figure like the Kardashians, you
know? Hmm.
(high-pitched ringing) God.
Are you all right? Yes, that's the shooting
pain in the eye. Jot that down, please.
(speaking Mandarin) Huh?
Yes, I heard-heard the words. I'm learning Mandarin.
It means "You got that right." Yes, Frank, I got what right,
though? The thing about the cripple.
What cripple? Why are you speaking?
Stephen Hawking. Dear God, we were talking
about that like ten minutes ago. But I didn't know what I was
gonna say. I had to look it up.
You never know what you're gonna say, and that's the
problem, isn't it? (speaking Mandarin)
Say that again? (Charlie speaking Mandarin)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're going too
fast, I can't... Go slower.
Frank, I cannot go slower for you!
Checkmate, Tang See, wake up. Open your eyes, listen.
I cannot go slower. Frank, I am thinking on the
physical level, the metaphysical level, the pataphysical level.
Every time you open your mouth, you drag me down into the mud,
and-and really, my-my... (high-pitched ringing)
(groaning) What?
You got a pain? Charlie, I'm telling you.
Those pills are no good for you. They're hurting you, those
pills. They're turning you into someone
you're not. (Tang See speaking Mandarin)
Shut up! (laughing): Okay, okay.
Don't get cute, Tang See, you're not much smarter than he is.
Checkmate. Well, you know, it-it,
uh... hmm... Try jerking it again.
Jerked it, I mean, I've jerked it so many times.
I've jerked and squirmed and squiggled.
This is crazy. I mean, we should be able to
figure this out. Ooh, oh!
What about gasoline? Pour a little bit of gasoline on
there, dissolve some of the glue.
You are a brilliant man, yes! Try it.
Yeah, gasoline is a solvent. That's basic chemistry.
Smart, Mac, smart, go grab some. Oh. Yeah.
Yeah, all right. Ohweot to be careful though because
gasoline is volatile and highly combustible so let's use extreme
caution. Of course, only an idiot
would just use gasoline willy-nilly.
It's gonna work. Okay.
And in the interest of safety, I'm gonna go ahead and
just make sure that this is, in fact, gasoline because Charlie
likes to keep booze in here sometimes.
That's true, he does do that. Mm-hmm.
(sniffs) Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, that's definitely... (whoops)
Let me double check because, you know, you're sense of smell
has always been pretty stupid. You want to...?
Yeah, yeah, let me just check it out.
(sniffs) Oh, oh, Christ, that's good
stuff... that's high-test. Can I get a toot down here?
Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it.
(sniffs) Ooh, guys, yes.
Are you sure it's gasoline though?
I should just try it again. (Dee whoops)
Jesus, Jesus! That's gasoline.
All right, let's blast off. Engage thrusters, Captain.
Oh, all right, well, ground control, I'll take some.
Holy shit. As long as we're blasting.
You know what? Let's pop off on this shit a
little bit, then let's get back to business.
Yeah, okay. This is making me feel...
Oh, shit, there he goes. (rat squeaking)
Oh, he's a squirrely little bastard, isn't he?
You son of a bitch. He's making I and you look
dumb. Yeah... uh...
"I and you." No, me and you, me, you, me, I.
It was you and I? You and I...
Me and you look dumb. (laughs) Dumb.
It's got to be... Dumb is a funny word.
...me and..mb. Du is a funny word.
Dumb. Dumb.
Pass the gas. Dumb.
Pass it, pass it. Pass the gas.
(all laughing)
(Charlie speaks quietly) (scoffs)
(laughs) Oh, yeah, you're reading now?
Since when do you read? Oh, hello, hello.
Uh, well, I was just glancing at War andPeace, and let me
tell you, I side with Shakespeare on brevity.
"Brevity is the soul of wit." Which, uh...
Do I have to put on training wheels for this conversation or
is, uh... What is this? What are you doing?
I'm having dinner with you. I see, you've lifted the
restraining order? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not lifting the restraining order, but Frank paid me $500 to
be here, and so I'm having dinner with you.
Ah, I see. Do you? 'Cause I don't.
I didn't ask questions though. Well, it's all rather
transparent really, isn't it? Frank and I have always been
very close as you know, uh, but I've turned a corner, if you
will, with my life recently. I have new, more substantial
interests, new friends, better suited for those interests, so
understandably Frank is feeling somewhat marginalized.
Now, he's gone out of his way to enlist your aid, uh, in hopes
that my deep infatuation with you will, uh, perhaps pull me
away from those people and those pursuits that have, in turn,
been pulling me away from Frank as of late.
What now? Frank's using you to get to
me. How are you? Never mind.
Moving on. Beaujolais? Why don't you have a little bit,
loosen up. That'll get rid of that
uninviting edge. So, uh, tell me about yourself.
Are you quite well these days? Well, uh, actually, I'm,
like, okay because my boss, like, at the restaurant, he,
like, totally doesn't get me. I mean, he thinks that being a
waitress is, like, what I am, and I'm like, "That doesn't
define me, dude, okay? Like, I'm saving up to open
my own nail salon." (distantly): And I have come up
with all of these great names for a nail salon.
Um, some of them are, like, The Hand Whisperer or Finger
Fantasy. And I've been watching Tabatha
Takes Over a lot because it's a show that takes place in salons.
Finger Fantasy. Finger Fantasy.
I've been watching this show called Tabatha Takes Over...
Tabatha Takes Over, Tabatha Takes Over.
And I have been watching Tabatha Takes Over a lot, because it's
a show that takes place in... (jaunty music plays)
(yowls)
Yeah, see? The mouse always wins.
There's... there's, like, no winning with mices.
Cat keeps getting hurt. He gets hurt.
Well, it's dangerous, yeah. What the hell are you guys
doing? We're trying to watch cat and
mouse cartoons to find out how kitty cats deal with their rat
issues. If Charlie was still around,
none of this would be happening. He's distracted with that damn
literature and science crap. (TV switches off)
Charlie is our foundation. Where does a foundation belong?
Yes. On top.
On the bottom. Oh.
On the bottom. We gotta go grab Charlie and
drag him back down into the sewer where he belongs.
Oh... Well, well...
I can't, see... I've been outsmart by a rat and right
now I'm stuck on its glue trap. Did you try the gasoline,
loosening it? All over it.
That didn't work, but you know what does work?
Breathing it in. (laughs)
Deandra, are you holding onto the trap?
No. Oh, I don't... I don't know.
Let go of the trap. (trap clatters to floor)
(laughing) No...
No. That's so stupid.
All right, come on. We gotta go get Charlie.
Uh, no, no. We'll do it.
Let's do it tomorrow. We'll nap first.
Could you turn the TV back on? Tomorrow's good.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're
about to see the results of a bold experiment in human
intelligence. He's totally different.
Totally different person. We'll bring our test subject
out now, and I think you'll find him a rather incredible
specimen. Tang See.
Ah... What is happening?
(British accent): Thank you, Tang See, my-my dear,
dear friend. (clears throat)
A simple pill... ingested by a man who received a
simple idea, a simple thought so clear and sharp that it cut
through his mind like a soft cheese and led him to an
invention. Is he doing an accent?
Yeah. Every now and then, there are
new modalities, new ways of being and understanding our
world. This invention-- my invention--
will change everything. For the better, one hopes.
But the good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes?
(laughing) (coughing)
You must excuse me. I've grown quite weary.
Come on. Finally, my friends, at long
last the day has come. We have the means, the
understanding, the technology... to allow spiders to talk with
cats! (audience gasps, exclaims)
(cat meows) Our exploration into the
effect of environment upon intelligence was, alas, a
complete failure. Self-confidence instilled by a
placebo "intelligence pill" and consistently reinforced by my
assistant Tang See did not, in fact, make the test subject
smarter. It did, however, yield
fascinating results. Uh, the most measurable effect
was a sharp uptick in arrogance. The subject was perfectly
ready to believe he had learned Mandarin in two days.
Tang See! (speaking Mandarin gibberish)
Again, this is complete gibberish.
The subject believed himself to be a mathematical wizard.
...plus nine equals box. All right?
That's where the cat goes. And in the space of an hour,
the subject has lost all interest in a woman with whom he
had been in love for years, because of a perceived
upidity relative to himself. Perhaps the most interesting
were the series of side effects that he believed himself to be
having. Uh, debilitating aches and
pains. It was all-all in his mind.
Huh. Yeah, I guess I do feel kind of
better, so... I believe I was having the
"plecebe" effect. Placebo.
Pla-ce-bo. (chuckles)
Which is, of course, a... a funny-sounding word.
That is a funny word. Pretty funny, yeah.
"Placebo." "Placebe."
Placido Domingo. (laughing)
Police Academy. (laughs)
Which is a good movie, Frank. It is a good movie, Charlie.
You want to go back and watch it?
With all my heart. Please, can you not interrupt
the lecture? We're still, uh...
What is the point of this stupid, dumb-ass experiment
anyway? Yeah, like, was he smart or
not? I don't even get it.
Uh, I don't think so. Was I smart, sir?
No. Again, um... if you could let us
finish the lecture, and... You stupid science bitches
couldn't even make my friends more smarter.
(laughs) Hey, you're right!
Stupid science bitch couldn't even make I more smarter.
All right, let's get out of here.
Hey, Charlie! Police Academy.
Police Academy is an awesome movie.
Mahoney! Mahoney's my favorite character.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com