1 00:00:01,451 --> 00:00:02,772 MAC: So what if I didn't go to college? 2 00:00:02,892 --> 00:00:05,012 John McClane didn't go to college. 3 00:00:05,014 --> 00:00:07,147 He defeats the bad guys using street smarts, and I got street 4 00:00:07,149 --> 00:00:09,216 smarts. DENNIS: Mac, you do realize 5 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:12,386 John McClane's a fictional character who's voicing lines 6 00:00:12,388 --> 00:00:14,655 written by screenwriters who almost certainly went to 7 00:00:14,657 --> 00:00:16,657 college. DEE: Yeah, but Bruce Willis 8 00:00:16,659 --> 00:00:18,659 dropped out of college, and that supports Mac's argument. 9 00:00:18,661 --> 00:00:20,494 Yeah! Uh, no it doesn't, Dee. 10 00:00:20,496 --> 00:00:22,596 And the fact that you can't understand that leads me to 11 00:00:22,598 --> 00:00:24,731 believe that you are complete and total dum-dum, and therefore 12 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:28,168 are not going to get selected for this intelligence 13 00:00:28,170 --> 00:00:30,270 experiment. Welcome, everybody, and thank 14 00:00:30,272 --> 00:00:34,107 you for volunteering in this intelligence experiment. 15 00:00:34,109 --> 00:00:38,045 I'm afraid, however, that we can only use one test subject. 16 00:00:38,047 --> 00:00:41,181 I-I'm sorry, before you continue, um, I noticed you said 17 00:00:41,183 --> 00:00:43,884 "volunteering," which implies a lack of compensation. 18 00:00:43,886 --> 00:00:46,420 Volunteering's for suckers. Yes, the selected subject 19 00:00:46,422 --> 00:00:48,622 will receive $1,000 in compensation. 20 00:00:48,624 --> 00:00:50,691 DEE: There you go. That's what we're talking! 21 00:00:50,693 --> 00:00:52,693 That's more like it. Okay, and listen, when it comes 22 00:00:52,695 --> 00:00:54,795 to intelligence, I think you'll find that I am your man. 23 00:00:54,797 --> 00:00:58,031 Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all. 24 00:00:58,033 --> 00:01:00,967 I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with 25 00:01:00,969 --> 00:01:02,969 brainpower. But you and me, we know 26 00:01:02,971 --> 00:01:04,971 different, huh? Uh, "you and I." 27 00:01:04,973 --> 00:01:07,874 What? No, not you and I. Him and I, idiot. 28 00:01:07,876 --> 00:01:10,243 In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both 29 00:01:10,245 --> 00:01:12,312 of you. Dee, this man is smart enough 30 00:01:12,314 --> 00:01:14,915 to know to avoid a proposition like that from someone like you. 31 00:01:14,917 --> 00:01:17,551 To be clear, we're not looking for a subject with 32 00:01:17,553 --> 00:01:20,387 superior intelligence. In fact, the complete opposite 33 00:01:20,389 --> 00:01:23,457 would be, um, uh, preferable. Excuse me for a minute. 34 00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,792 I'm sorry, wait, wait! That's a... sorry. 35 00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:27,828 What are you doing? CHARLIE: I was gonna bash 36 00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:30,063 your rat and take care of your rat problem. 37 00:01:30,065 --> 00:01:32,733 Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please, this is, this is our lab 38 00:01:32,735 --> 00:01:35,635 rat. His name's Armitage Shanks. 39 00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:38,839 If he solves the maze, he gets the cheese. 40 00:01:38,841 --> 00:01:41,675 And since we've been feeding Armitage a cerebral enhancement 41 00:01:41,677 --> 00:01:44,911 formula, he's been solving these mazes seven times faster. 42 00:01:44,913 --> 00:01:48,782 We'd like to try a formula out on a human subject. 43 00:01:48,784 --> 00:01:52,285 What would you think about something like that? 44 00:01:52,287 --> 00:01:55,288 A pill that could make you seven times smarter. 45 00:01:55,290 --> 00:02:00,594 Cheese, huh? 46 00:02:00,596 --> 00:02:02,763 Yeah, all right. 47 00:02:02,765 --> 00:02:03,597 (buzzer sounds) 48 00:02:03,599 --> 00:02:04,798 Ow! Shit! 49 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,433 What's your name, young man? 50 00:02:06,435 --> 00:02:07,367 It's Charlie. 51 00:02:07,369 --> 00:02:08,201 Hold up, dude, I want to get 52 00:02:08,203 --> 00:02:08,835 this cheese here. 53 00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:09,669 (buzzer sounds) 54 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,538 Aah! Shit! 55 00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:12,806 Why don't you try the cheese 56 00:02:12,808 --> 00:02:15,842 under the green light, Charlie? 57 00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,611 I want this cheese. 58 00:02:17,613 --> 00:02:18,812 (buzzer sounds) 59 00:02:18,814 --> 00:02:20,447 Aah! 60 00:02:20,449 --> 00:02:23,216 Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our test subject. 61 00:02:23,218 --> 00:02:24,872 Thank you all very much for coming. 62 00:02:35,492 --> 00:02:46,357 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com. 63 00:02:50,448 --> 00:02:51,794 Aw, Frank, you're intruding 64 00:02:51,914 --> 00:02:53,464 upon my education. 65 00:02:53,466 --> 00:02:54,699 This is crazy, Charlie. 66 00:02:54,701 --> 00:02:55,800 That's crazy. 67 00:02:55,802 --> 00:02:56,934 Aw, shut up. 68 00:02:56,936 --> 00:02:58,469 Whoa, what the hell is this? 69 00:02:58,471 --> 00:02:59,670 What are you doing, man? 70 00:02:59,672 --> 00:03:00,672 Well, I'm trying to learn 71 00:03:00,673 --> 00:03:01,773 Mandarin and listen to Beethoven 72 00:03:01,775 --> 00:03:02,940 at the same time. 73 00:03:02,942 --> 00:03:03,941 You see, I just realized that I 74 00:03:03,943 --> 00:03:05,176 have two ears, so it's a waste 75 00:03:05,178 --> 00:03:06,844 to only listen to one thing. 76 00:03:06,846 --> 00:03:07,845 Let me guess this straight. 77 00:03:07,847 --> 00:03:08,846 You just realized that you have 78 00:03:08,848 --> 00:03:09,847 two ears? 79 00:03:09,849 --> 00:03:11,849 Taking a pill is not gonna make you smarter, Charlie. 80 00:03:11,851 --> 00:03:13,684 I don't know about that, Frank. 81 00:03:13,686 --> 00:03:15,953 I've listened to five books on tape already this morning, five. 82 00:03:15,955 --> 00:03:18,056 Charlie, come on, any idiot can listen to books on tape. 83 00:03:18,058 --> 00:03:20,058 You're only doing that because you can't read, all right? 84 00:03:20,060 --> 00:03:22,060 Trust me, if you're feeling any smarter, it's just a classic 85 00:03:22,062 --> 00:03:24,062 case... BOTH:... of the placebo 86 00:03:24,064 --> 00:03:25,897 effect. I considered that, but I 87 00:03:25,899 --> 00:03:29,000 don't think that's it, Dennis. Whatever, you don't even know 88 00:03:29,002 --> 00:03:31,002 what the word placebo... Placebo means from the Latin 89 00:03:31,004 --> 00:03:32,837 "placebo," meaning "I shall please." 90 00:03:32,839 --> 00:03:34,872 I listened to a chapter on that this morning. 91 00:03:34,874 --> 00:03:36,874 This is... Such bullshit? 92 00:03:36,876 --> 00:03:39,710 I wasn't gonna say... Gonna say that? 93 00:03:39,712 --> 00:03:42,413 Dude, just because you're finishing our sentences, doesn't 94 00:03:42,415 --> 00:03:44,549 make you s-s-s... BOTH: Intelligent. 95 00:03:44,551 --> 00:03:46,884 Oh! (Charlie laughs) 96 00:03:46,886 --> 00:03:49,353 Guys, guys, we've got a huge problem back there. 97 00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:51,355 Ugh, big rat, like the biggest ever in the back office. 98 00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:53,391 Uh, that sounds like Charlie work, so, Charlie, why don't you 99 00:03:53,393 --> 00:03:55,393 hop on that, and be smart about it. 100 00:03:55,395 --> 00:03:58,362 Good pleasantry, cute. How about no? 101 00:03:58,364 --> 00:04:00,398 What do you mean "no"? How about you kill the rat? 102 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,667 You know what, that might occupy you guys for about a week or so, 103 00:04:02,669 --> 00:04:05,036 and that'll give me some time to continue my education in peace. 104 00:04:05,038 --> 00:04:07,338 That be nice. Let's do that. What are you talking about? 105 00:04:07,340 --> 00:04:09,874 A week? To kill a rat? Wh-wh-what kind of a genius rat 106 00:04:09,876 --> 00:04:11,876 are we talking about? You have to be a real moron 107 00:04:11,878 --> 00:04:13,878 to get outsmarted by a rat, dude. 108 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:17,048 Well, bonjours, killing the the rat, my friends. 109 00:04:17,050 --> 00:04:23,688 You're... Oh, and then I realized, 110 00:04:23,690 --> 00:04:26,557 Tang See, that these so-called friends of mine have been 111 00:04:26,559 --> 00:04:30,228 exploiting my labor for years. An astute observation. 112 00:04:30,230 --> 00:04:33,431 Conforms with Marxist theories about the exploitation of the 113 00:04:33,433 --> 00:04:36,734 proletariat. It completely conforms when 114 00:04:36,736 --> 00:04:40,738 you think about it. Ah, Tang See, these-these 115 00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:42,807 pills are having quite an effect on me. 116 00:04:42,809 --> 00:04:45,109 And the combination with my readings is really leading me 117 00:04:45,111 --> 00:04:48,412 into some rather large ideas. I think I could be on the verge 118 00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:50,915 of something groundbreaking. Yes. 119 00:04:50,917 --> 00:04:53,584 The work you're proposing will revolutionize the field. 120 00:04:53,586 --> 00:04:56,154 Exactly, right? Now, Tang See, let's-let's talk 121 00:04:56,156 --> 00:04:58,789 for a second. What do you think my IQ is now? 122 00:04:58,791 --> 00:05:00,825 And be honest. Well, what do you think it 123 00:05:00,827 --> 00:05:03,995 is? 175? 124 00:05:03,997 --> 00:05:06,264 Wow. You know. Probably, yeah. 125 00:05:06,266 --> 00:05:08,666 Now, I'm thinking if I were to double the dosage, I could break 126 00:05:08,668 --> 00:05:11,802 200 easily. You have to be careful, 127 00:05:11,804 --> 00:05:14,605 Charlie. This is uncharted waters here. 128 00:05:14,607 --> 00:05:17,308 Have you been having any side effects? 129 00:05:17,310 --> 00:05:20,444 Yes. Okay, yes. There's-there's been a-a slight 130 00:05:20,446 --> 00:05:23,247 ringing in my ears. My-my legs grow numb from time 131 00:05:23,249 --> 00:05:25,249 to time. I ache all over if I'm being 132 00:05:25,251 --> 00:05:27,251 honest, but... (door opens) 133 00:05:27,253 --> 00:05:29,654 I got Mongolian barbecue and Police Academy: Mission to 134 00:05:29,656 --> 00:05:32,623 Moscow. Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, 135 00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:35,026 I got to stop you. Uh, tonight is really not the 136 00:05:35,028 --> 00:05:37,028 best night for that, so I'm sorry, man. 137 00:05:37,030 --> 00:05:40,298 But, Charlie, it's Gruesome Twosome Tuesday. 138 00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:43,167 Yeah, uh, I know it is, pal, but... 139 00:05:43,169 --> 00:05:45,369 What? I'm-I'm on the verge of 140 00:05:45,371 --> 00:05:47,371 something really groundbreaking here and I-I really shouldn't be 141 00:05:47,373 --> 00:05:49,607 playing these childish games anymore, nor should you. 142 00:05:49,609 --> 00:05:51,609 We're the Gruesome Twosome. You don't have to keep 143 00:05:51,611 --> 00:05:53,444 saying that, I know... (Frank grunting) 144 00:05:53,446 --> 00:05:55,279 The sound effects won't help you. 145 00:05:55,281 --> 00:05:57,281 The Gruesome Twosome. (Frank grunting) 146 00:05:57,283 --> 00:05:59,150 They don't further your argument in any way. 147 00:05:59,152 --> 00:06:02,353 (Frank grunting) (speaking Mandarin) 148 00:06:02,355 --> 00:06:04,689 You speak Mandarin? Well, I do think I'm getting 149 00:06:04,691 --> 00:06:08,292 it a little bit. (both speaking Mandarin) 150 00:06:08,294 --> 00:06:15,600 (both laughing) (both speaking Mandarin) 151 00:06:15,602 --> 00:06:24,542 (rat squeaking) Hey, Mac, Mac, I've located 152 00:06:24,544 --> 00:06:27,144 him-- he's right near the hole. Oh, good, let me bash him! 153 00:06:27,146 --> 00:06:29,380 No, no, no... (shushes) Oh, goddamn it. 154 00:06:29,382 --> 00:06:31,382 He scurried away. All right, well, when he 155 00:06:31,384 --> 00:06:33,384 comes back, I'm gonna smash him up good. 156 00:06:33,386 --> 00:06:35,653 No, no, Mac, come on. We're smarter than that. 157 00:06:35,655 --> 00:06:37,922 That's just gonna spread rat blood and disease all over the 158 00:06:37,924 --> 00:06:40,224 place. It's not about brute force. 159 00:06:40,226 --> 00:06:43,995 It's about seduction. See, I'm gonna place some 160 00:06:43,997 --> 00:06:46,163 enticing tunes for the little guy. 161 00:06:46,165 --> 00:06:49,467 And then I'm gonna bait this glue trap with some Brie cheese. 162 00:06:49,469 --> 00:06:58,709 ♪ And I want you here With me 163 00:06:58,711 --> 00:07:03,914 ♪ From tonight until The end of time 164 00:07:03,916 --> 00:07:08,986 You should know... ♪ Hey, you guys catch that rat 165 00:07:08,988 --> 00:07:11,322 yet? Any minute now, Dee. 166 00:07:11,324 --> 00:07:14,425 I'm telling you, glue traps are barbaric and messy. 167 00:07:14,427 --> 00:07:17,962 I have come up with the intelligent solution. 168 00:07:17,964 --> 00:07:20,598 Ultrasonic rodent repellant. It emits a high-pitched sound 169 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,667 that obliterates their teeny rat eardrums. 170 00:07:22,669 --> 00:07:24,669 Stupid rats. Uh, those things don't work, 171 00:07:24,671 --> 00:07:26,737 Dee. Oh, no? 172 00:07:26,739 --> 00:07:28,839 Okay, how about we do a little wager. 173 00:07:28,841 --> 00:07:31,742 The rat gets trapped to your glue trap and you win. 174 00:07:31,744 --> 00:07:34,111 The rat scurries away and never comes back again, then I am 175 00:07:34,113 --> 00:07:37,682 crowned the smartest in the... Oh, God, gross. 176 00:07:37,684 --> 00:07:40,851 Is that cheese? Get it off me! 177 00:07:40,853 --> 00:07:43,621 Get it off, I'm st... I'm stuck to your glue! 178 00:07:43,623 --> 00:07:46,290 You guys! You've trapped yourself on a 179 00:07:46,292 --> 00:07:48,326 trap that was designed for a rodent with a brain the size of 180 00:07:48,328 --> 00:07:50,328 a walnut. Now a normal-size woman would 181 00:07:50,330 --> 00:07:52,330 probably just be able to slide her hand right out, but with 182 00:07:52,332 --> 00:07:54,332 those giant man hands... Yeah, you really don't stand 183 00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:56,167 a chance, Dee. Okay, I get it. 184 00:07:56,169 --> 00:07:58,169 (rat squeaking) Do you hear that? 185 00:07:58,171 --> 00:08:00,171 I hear it-- oh, God, it's coming! 186 00:08:00,173 --> 00:08:02,506 It's coming to eat its cheese. You guys, help! 187 00:08:02,508 --> 00:08:04,508 Odd that it hasn't been repelled by your supersonic rat 188 00:08:04,510 --> 00:08:06,510 scarer, Dee. Guys! It's on me! 189 00:08:06,512 --> 00:08:08,512 It's on my hand! Oh, it's climbing up my hand to 190 00:08:08,514 --> 00:08:10,514 eat the cheese. Now, where this gets 191 00:08:10,516 --> 00:08:13,150 interesting is when the rat finishes the cheese. 192 00:08:13,152 --> 00:08:16,387 Ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibble her hand down to a tiny, bloody 193 00:08:16,389 --> 00:08:18,389 stump, then she could just slide it right out. 194 00:08:18,391 --> 00:08:21,158 Hey. Ah, goddamn it, it's gone. 195 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,627 It ate its cheese and then ran away. 196 00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:26,163 It didn't get stuck to the glue. Huh, maybe this rat is a 197 00:08:26,165 --> 00:08:27,898 little bit smarter than we gave it credit for, Mac. 198 00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:29,834 Hmm. 199 00:08:34,236 --> 00:08:36,927 He is whatever, I mean, is he okay? Sure. 200 00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:39,267 Is he fine? He's fine. 201 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:42,537 All I'm saying is that Stephen Hawking is much more of a Lady 202 00:08:42,539 --> 00:08:45,807 Gaga than, you know, Johann Sebastian Bach. 203 00:08:45,809 --> 00:08:47,875 He-he's not, he's a pop culture figure like the Kardashians, you 204 00:08:47,877 --> 00:08:49,711 know? Hmm. 205 00:08:49,713 --> 00:08:51,379 (high-pitched ringing) God. 206 00:08:51,381 --> 00:08:53,381 Are you all right? Yes, that's the shooting 207 00:08:53,383 --> 00:08:55,550 pain in the eye. Jot that down, please. 208 00:08:55,552 --> 00:08:58,686 (speaking Mandarin) Huh? 209 00:08:58,688 --> 00:09:00,688 Yes, I heard-heard the words. I'm learning Mandarin. 210 00:09:00,690 --> 00:09:02,690 It means "You got that right." Yes, Frank, I got what right, 211 00:09:02,692 --> 00:09:04,692 though? The thing about the cripple. 212 00:09:04,694 --> 00:09:06,361 What cripple? Why are you speaking? 213 00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:08,196 Stephen Hawking. Dear God, we were talking 214 00:09:08,198 --> 00:09:10,198 about that like ten minutes ago. But I didn't know what I was 215 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,200 gonna say. I had to look it up. 216 00:09:12,202 --> 00:09:14,202 You never know what you're gonna say, and that's the 217 00:09:14,204 --> 00:09:16,371 problem, isn't it? (speaking Mandarin) 218 00:09:16,373 --> 00:09:18,239 Say that again? (Charlie speaking Mandarin) 219 00:09:18,241 --> 00:09:20,842 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're going too 220 00:09:20,844 --> 00:09:22,343 fast, I can't... Go slower. 221 00:09:22,345 --> 00:09:24,345 Frank, I cannot go slower for you! 222 00:09:24,347 --> 00:09:26,347 Checkmate, Tang See, wake up. Open your eyes, listen. 223 00:09:26,349 --> 00:09:28,349 I cannot go slower. Frank, I am thinking on the 224 00:09:28,351 --> 00:09:30,918 physical level, the metaphysical level, the pataphysical level. 225 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,721 Every time you open your mouth, you drag me down into the mud, 226 00:09:33,723 --> 00:09:37,225 and-and really, my-my... (high-pitched ringing) 227 00:09:37,227 --> 00:09:40,328 (groaning) What? 228 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,397 You got a pain? Charlie, I'm telling you. 229 00:09:42,399 --> 00:09:44,399 Those pills are no good for you. They're hurting you, those 230 00:09:44,401 --> 00:09:46,434 pills. They're turning you into someone 231 00:09:46,436 --> 00:09:49,237 you're not. (Tang See speaking Mandarin) 232 00:09:49,239 --> 00:09:52,040 Shut up! (laughing): Okay, okay. 233 00:09:52,042 --> 00:09:55,910 Don't get cute, Tang See, you're not much smarter than he is. 234 00:09:55,912 --> 00:10:00,348 Checkmate. Well, you know, it-it, 235 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:05,286 uh... hmm... Try jerking it again. 236 00:10:05,288 --> 00:10:07,388 Jerked it, I mean, I've jerked it so many times. 237 00:10:07,390 --> 00:10:09,390 I've jerked and squirmed and squiggled. 238 00:10:09,392 --> 00:10:11,392 This is crazy. I mean, we should be able to 239 00:10:11,394 --> 00:10:13,394 figure this out. Ooh, oh! 240 00:10:13,396 --> 00:10:15,530 What about gasoline? Pour a little bit of gasoline on 241 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:17,598 there, dissolve some of the glue. 242 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,034 You are a brilliant man, yes! Try it. 243 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,437 Yeah, gasoline is a solvent. That's basic chemistry. 244 00:10:22,439 --> 00:10:25,039 Smart, Mac, smart, go grab some. Oh. Yeah. 245 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,041 Yeah, all right. Ohweot to be careful though because 246 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,143 gasoline is volatile and highly combustible so let's use extreme 247 00:10:29,145 --> 00:10:31,379 caution. Of course, only an idiot 248 00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:33,448 would just use gasoline willy-nilly. 249 00:10:33,450 --> 00:10:35,283 It's gonna work. Okay. 250 00:10:35,285 --> 00:10:37,418 And in the interest of safety, I'm gonna go ahead and 251 00:10:37,420 --> 00:10:39,420 just make sure that this is, in fact, gasoline because Charlie 252 00:10:39,422 --> 00:10:41,255 likes to keep booze in here sometimes. 253 00:10:41,257 --> 00:10:43,257 That's true, he does do that. Mm-hmm. 254 00:10:43,259 --> 00:10:45,259 (sniffs) Yeah! 255 00:10:45,261 --> 00:10:47,261 Yeah, yeah, that's definitely... (whoops) 256 00:10:47,263 --> 00:10:49,263 Let me double check because, you know, you're sense of smell 257 00:10:49,265 --> 00:10:51,099 has always been pretty stupid. You want to...? 258 00:10:51,101 --> 00:10:53,101 Yeah, yeah, let me just check it out. 259 00:10:53,103 --> 00:10:55,103 (sniffs) Oh, oh, Christ, that's good 260 00:10:55,105 --> 00:10:57,138 stuff... that's high-test. Can I get a toot down here? 261 00:10:57,140 --> 00:10:59,140 Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it. 262 00:10:59,142 --> 00:11:01,843 (sniffs) Ooh, guys, yes. 263 00:11:01,845 --> 00:11:04,011 Are you sure it's gasoline though? 264 00:11:04,013 --> 00:11:06,447 I should just try it again. (Dee whoops) 265 00:11:06,449 --> 00:11:08,816 Jesus, Jesus! That's gasoline. 266 00:11:08,818 --> 00:11:11,652 All right, let's blast off. Engage thrusters, Captain. 267 00:11:11,654 --> 00:11:13,654 Oh, all right, well, ground control, I'll take some. 268 00:11:13,656 --> 00:11:15,656 Holy shit. As long as we're blasting. 269 00:11:15,658 --> 00:11:17,492 You know what? Let's pop off on this shit a 270 00:11:17,494 --> 00:11:19,327 little bit, then let's get back to business. 271 00:11:19,329 --> 00:11:21,329 Yeah, okay. This is making me feel... 272 00:11:21,331 --> 00:11:23,598 Oh, shit, there he goes. (rat squeaking) 273 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,766 Oh, he's a squirrely little bastard, isn't he? 274 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,869 You son of a bitch. He's making I and you look 275 00:11:27,871 --> 00:11:30,004 dumb. Yeah... uh... 276 00:11:30,006 --> 00:11:33,474 "I and you." No, me and you, me, you, me, I. 277 00:11:33,476 --> 00:11:36,010 It was you and I? You and I... 278 00:11:36,012 --> 00:11:38,779 Me and you look dumb. (laughs) Dumb. 279 00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:40,781 It's got to be... Dumb is a funny word. 280 00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,783 ...me and..mb. Du is a funny word. 281 00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:44,452 Dumb. Dumb. 282 00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,287 Pass the gas. Dumb. 283 00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,122 Pass it, pass it. Pass the gas. 284 00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:50,057 (all laughing) 285 00:11:50,059 --> 00:11:55,663 (Charlie speaks quietly) (scoffs) 286 00:11:55,665 --> 00:11:58,699 (laughs) Oh, yeah, you're reading now? 287 00:11:58,701 --> 00:12:02,003 Since when do you read? Oh, hello, hello. 288 00:12:02,005 --> 00:12:04,805 Uh, well, I was just glancing at War andPeace, and let me 289 00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:08,910 tell you, I side with Shakespeare on brevity. 290 00:12:08,912 --> 00:12:11,879 "Brevity is the soul of wit." Which, uh... 291 00:12:11,881 --> 00:12:13,881 Do I have to put on training wheels for this conversation or 292 00:12:13,883 --> 00:12:16,250 is, uh... What is this? What are you doing? 293 00:12:16,252 --> 00:12:18,519 I'm having dinner with you. I see, you've lifted the 294 00:12:18,521 --> 00:12:20,521 restraining order? Oh, no, no, no. 295 00:12:20,523 --> 00:12:23,057 I'm not lifting the restraining order, but Frank paid me $500 to 296 00:12:23,059 --> 00:12:25,326 be here, and so I'm having dinner with you. 297 00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:28,829 Ah, I see. Do you? 'Cause I don't. 298 00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,831 I didn't ask questions though. Well, it's all rather 299 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:33,401 transparent really, isn't it? Frank and I have always been 300 00:12:33,403 --> 00:12:38,072 very close as you know, uh, but I've turned a corner, if you 301 00:12:38,074 --> 00:12:41,175 will, with my life recently. I have new, more substantial 302 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:44,345 interests, new friends, better suited for those interests, so 303 00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:48,082 understandably Frank is feeling somewhat marginalized. 304 00:12:48,084 --> 00:12:52,086 Now, he's gone out of his way to enlist your aid, uh, in hopes 305 00:12:52,088 --> 00:12:55,590 that my deep infatuation with you will, uh, perhaps pull me 306 00:12:55,592 --> 00:12:58,259 away from those people and those pursuits that have, in turn, 307 00:12:58,261 --> 00:13:01,762 been pulling me away from Frank as of late. 308 00:13:01,764 --> 00:13:03,931 What now? Frank's using you to get to 309 00:13:03,933 --> 00:13:05,933 me. How are you? Never mind. 310 00:13:05,935 --> 00:13:08,536 Moving on. Beaujolais? Why don't you have a little bit, 311 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:11,372 loosen up. That'll get rid of that 312 00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:14,976 uninviting edge. So, uh, tell me about yourself. 313 00:13:14,978 --> 00:13:19,113 Are you quite well these days? Well, uh, actually, I'm, 314 00:13:19,115 --> 00:13:21,916 like, okay because my boss, like, at the restaurant, he, 315 00:13:21,918 --> 00:13:24,885 like, totally doesn't get me. I mean, he thinks that being a 316 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:27,822 waitress is, like, what I am, and I'm like, "That doesn't 317 00:13:27,824 --> 00:13:30,725 define me, dude, okay? Like, I'm saving up to open 318 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,327 my own nail salon." (distantly): And I have come up 319 00:13:33,329 --> 00:13:35,663 with all of these great names for a nail salon. 320 00:13:35,665 --> 00:13:38,099 Um, some of them are, like, The Hand Whisperer or Finger 321 00:13:38,101 --> 00:13:41,335 Fantasy. And I've been watching Tabatha 322 00:13:41,337 --> 00:13:44,171 Takes Over a lot because it's a show that takes place in salons. 323 00:13:44,173 --> 00:13:46,474 Finger Fantasy. Finger Fantasy. 324 00:13:46,476 --> 00:13:48,609 I've been watching this show called Tabatha Takes Over... 325 00:13:48,611 --> 00:13:50,645 Tabatha Takes Over, Tabatha Takes Over. 326 00:13:50,647 --> 00:13:53,748 And I have been watching Tabatha Takes Over a lot, because it's 327 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:58,686 a show that takes place in... (jaunty music plays) 328 00:13:58,688 --> 00:14:00,688 (yowls) 329 00:14:00,690 --> 00:14:04,925 Yeah, see? The mouse always wins. 330 00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,295 There's... there's, like, no winning with mices. 331 00:14:07,297 --> 00:14:09,130 Cat keeps getting hurt. He gets hurt. 332 00:14:09,132 --> 00:14:11,966 Well, it's dangerous, yeah. What the hell are you guys 333 00:14:11,968 --> 00:14:14,001 doing? We're trying to watch cat and 334 00:14:14,003 --> 00:14:16,170 mouse cartoons to find out how kitty cats deal with their rat 335 00:14:16,172 --> 00:14:18,973 issues. If Charlie was still around, 336 00:14:18,975 --> 00:14:22,643 none of this would be happening. He's distracted with that damn 337 00:14:22,645 --> 00:14:26,213 literature and science crap. (TV switches off) 338 00:14:26,215 --> 00:14:30,685 Charlie is our foundation. Where does a foundation belong? 339 00:14:30,687 --> 00:14:32,353 Yes. On top. 340 00:14:32,355 --> 00:14:34,021 On the bottom. Oh. 341 00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:35,856 On the bottom. We gotta go grab Charlie and 342 00:14:35,858 --> 00:14:37,858 drag him back down into the sewer where he belongs. 343 00:14:37,860 --> 00:14:39,994 Oh... Well, well... 344 00:14:39,996 --> 00:14:42,730 I can't, see... I've been outsmart by a rat and right 345 00:14:42,732 --> 00:14:45,466 now I'm stuck on its glue trap. Did you try the gasoline, 346 00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:47,201 loosening it? All over it. 347 00:14:47,203 --> 00:14:49,004 That didn't work, but you know what does work? 348 00:14:49,005 --> 00:14:50,838 Breathing it in. (laughs) 349 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,573 Deandra, are you holding onto the trap? 350 00:14:52,575 --> 00:14:56,477 No. Oh, I don't... I don't know. 351 00:14:56,479 --> 00:15:01,849 Let go of the trap. (trap clatters to floor) 352 00:15:01,851 --> 00:15:05,753 (laughing) No... 353 00:15:05,755 --> 00:15:08,389 No. That's so stupid. 354 00:15:08,391 --> 00:15:10,057 All right, come on. We gotta go get Charlie. 355 00:15:10,059 --> 00:15:11,992 Uh, no, no. We'll do it. 356 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:15,830 Let's do it tomorrow. We'll nap first. 357 00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:19,266 Could you turn the TV back on? Tomorrow's good. 358 00:15:23,021 --> 00:15:25,250 Ladies and gentlemen, you're 359 00:15:25,370 --> 00:15:29,310 about to see the results of a bold experiment in human 360 00:15:29,430 --> 00:15:32,264 intelligence. He's totally different. 361 00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:35,134 Totally different person. We'll bring our test subject 362 00:15:35,136 --> 00:15:38,404 out now, and I think you'll find him a rather incredible 363 00:15:38,406 --> 00:15:41,740 specimen. Tang See. 364 00:15:41,742 --> 00:15:51,817 Ah... What is happening? 365 00:15:51,819 --> 00:15:54,086 (British accent): Thank you, Tang See, my-my dear, 366 00:15:54,088 --> 00:15:56,822 dear friend. (clears throat) 367 00:15:56,824 --> 00:16:02,928 A simple pill... ingested by a man who received a 368 00:16:02,930 --> 00:16:07,633 simple idea, a simple thought so clear and sharp that it cut 369 00:16:07,635 --> 00:16:12,137 through his mind like a soft cheese and led him to an 370 00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:15,174 invention. Is he doing an accent? 371 00:16:15,176 --> 00:16:17,943 Yeah. Every now and then, there are 372 00:16:17,945 --> 00:16:22,181 new modalities, new ways of being and understanding our 373 00:16:22,183 --> 00:16:26,685 world. This invention-- my invention-- 374 00:16:26,687 --> 00:16:33,859 will change everything. For the better, one hopes. 375 00:16:33,861 --> 00:16:38,497 But the good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes? 376 00:16:38,499 --> 00:16:42,301 (laughing) (coughing) 377 00:16:42,303 --> 00:16:48,974 You must excuse me. I've grown quite weary. 378 00:16:48,976 --> 00:16:52,077 Come on. Finally, my friends, at long 379 00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:56,248 last the day has come. We have the means, the 380 00:16:56,250 --> 00:17:02,588 understanding, the technology... to allow spiders to talk with 381 00:17:02,590 --> 00:17:06,291 cats! (audience gasps, exclaims) 382 00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:13,265 (cat meows) Our exploration into the 383 00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:17,703 effect of environment upon intelligence was, alas, a 384 00:17:17,705 --> 00:17:22,374 complete failure. Self-confidence instilled by a 385 00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:26,378 placebo "intelligence pill" and consistently reinforced by my 386 00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:31,183 assistant Tang See did not, in fact, make the test subject 387 00:17:31,185 --> 00:17:33,719 smarter. It did, however, yield 388 00:17:33,721 --> 00:17:37,556 fascinating results. Uh, the most measurable effect 389 00:17:37,558 --> 00:17:41,760 was a sharp uptick in arrogance. The subject was perfectly 390 00:17:41,762 --> 00:17:45,864 ready to believe he had learned Mandarin in two days. 391 00:17:45,866 --> 00:17:49,201 Tang See! (speaking Mandarin gibberish) 392 00:17:49,203 --> 00:17:55,774 Again, this is complete gibberish. 393 00:17:55,776 --> 00:17:59,578 The subject believed himself to be a mathematical wizard. 394 00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:03,649 ...plus nine equals box. All right? 395 00:18:03,651 --> 00:18:07,786 That's where the cat goes. And in the space of an hour, 396 00:18:07,788 --> 00:18:11,590 the subject has lost all interest in a woman with whom he 397 00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:15,060 had been in love for years, because of a perceived 398 00:18:15,062 --> 00:18:19,765 upidity relative to himself. Perhaps the most interesting 399 00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,668 were the series of side effects that he believed himself to be 400 00:18:22,670 --> 00:18:25,304 having. Uh, debilitating aches and 401 00:18:25,306 --> 00:18:29,408 pains. It was all-all in his mind. 402 00:18:29,410 --> 00:18:32,277 Huh. Yeah, I guess I do feel kind of 403 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:35,747 better, so... I believe I was having the 404 00:18:35,749 --> 00:18:40,018 "plecebe" effect. Placebo. 405 00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:42,354 Pla-ce-bo. (chuckles) 406 00:18:42,356 --> 00:18:44,957 Which is, of course, a... a funny-sounding word. 407 00:18:44,959 --> 00:18:46,758 That is a funny word. Pretty funny, yeah. 408 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,827 "Placebo." "Placebe." 409 00:18:48,829 --> 00:18:51,336 Placido Domingo. (laughing) 410 00:18:51,456 --> 00:18:53,466 Police Academy. (laughs) 411 00:18:53,586 --> 00:18:56,887 Which is a good movie, Frank. It is a good movie, Charlie. 412 00:18:57,007 --> 00:18:58,377 You want to go back and watch it? 413 00:18:58,497 --> 00:19:01,306 With all my heart. Please, can you not interrupt 414 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:02,508 the lecture? We're still, uh... 415 00:19:02,569 --> 00:19:04,943 What is the point of this stupid, dumb-ass experiment 416 00:19:04,945 --> 00:19:07,379 anyway? Yeah, like, was he smart or 417 00:19:07,381 --> 00:19:08,642 not? I don't even get it. 418 00:19:08,762 --> 00:19:10,375 Uh, I don't think so. Was I smart, sir? 419 00:19:10,495 --> 00:19:12,543 No. Again, um... if you could let us 420 00:19:12,663 --> 00:19:14,653 finish the lecture, and... You stupid science bitches 421 00:19:14,655 --> 00:19:16,640 couldn't even make my friends more smarter. 422 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,159 (laughs) Hey, you're right! 423 00:19:18,161 --> 00:19:20,973 Stupid science bitch couldn't even make I more smarter. 424 00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:22,826 All right, let's get out of here. 425 00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,494 Hey, Charlie! Police Academy. 426 00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,363 Police Academy is an awesome movie. 427 00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:28,753 Mahoney! Mahoney's my favorite character. 428 00:19:28,873 --> 00:19:38,007 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com