1
00:00:02,186 --> 00:00:04,120
Goddamn, I'm bored!

2
00:00:04,188 --> 00:00:06,986
Come on. Let's do something. We're a little busy here, Frank.

3
00:00:07,058 --> 00:00:09,549
What the hell are you reading? In Touch.

4
00:00:09,627 --> 00:00:12,460
In Touch? Why would you read that crap?

5
00:00:12,530 --> 00:00:14,794
We are trying to stay "in touch"
with what's happening in the world.

6
00:00:14,866 --> 00:00:16,834
I'm sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed.

7
00:00:16,901 --> 00:00:19,631
You want to be informed? Read a newspaper. Dude!

8
00:00:19,704 --> 00:00:21,831
Nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore.

9
00:00:21,906 --> 00:00:25,535
Ah, no, no, no. But, Dennis, look.
"Plutonium smuggled into Syria. "

10
00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,601
That's gonna change my life drastically.

11
00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:31,206
That's gonna change everyone's lives!
No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!

12
00:00:31,282 --> 00:00:34,718
Don't you guys get tired of doing
nothin' except sitting around drinking?

13
00:00:34,786 --> 00:00:37,254
What does that mean? Is that a joke?
How could you get tired of that?

14
00:00:37,322 --> 00:00:39,256
Heyoh! What's up, bitches? What is up?

15
00:00:39,324 --> 00:00:41,952
Turn the TV on right now, dude! This is huge! Turn the TV on!

16
00:00:42,026 --> 00:00:44,187
I'm gonna be on the news! Oh, my God.

17
00:00:44,262 --> 00:00:46,662
There was an accident today.
Then the news talker asked Mac what happened.

18
00:00:46,731 --> 00:00:49,928
And he totally went off!
I went off for 20 minutes. It was amazing.

19
00:00:50,001 --> 00:00:52,663
I totally popped. Here it is! Oh, you popped.
You're gonna be famous.

20
00:00:52,737 --> 00:00:56,195
Shut up! Shut up! This is Ken Jacobs
coming to you from Market Street...

21
00:00:56,274 --> 00:00:58,367
where two buses collided just minutes ago.

22
00:00:58,443 --> 00:01:02,038
We talked to one local resident who had
this to say. It was absolutely crazy.

23
00:01:02,113 --> 00:01:06,914
Police are currently investigating the
cause of the accident. Back to you, Jim.

24
00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:09,043
What the hell was that?

25
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,054
Yeah, you really popped. I think you're gonna be a star.

26
00:01:11,122 --> 00:01:13,056
You're gonna be a big star. Be in a magazine. No, no, no.

27
00:01:13,124 --> 00:01:15,388
I talked for, like, 20 minutes
about how the traffic system sucks.

28
00:01:15,460 --> 00:01:17,394
And the lights... And that we should only have yellow lights...

29
00:01:17,462 --> 00:01:19,589
because then we can be very cautious
but not get stuck in traffic.

30
00:01:19,664 --> 00:01:22,724
It was great. That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid.

31
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,928
The point is that that newscaster... that bastard newscaster...

32
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,198
just went in there and cut it all up... Cut you all up, dude!

33
00:01:28,272 --> 00:01:31,366
Just to make his corporate bosses happy, which is bullshit.

34
00:01:31,442 --> 00:01:34,036
Nobody's getting the real news anymore! That's not real news.

35
00:01:34,112 --> 00:01:37,343
Remember when we made the news show
for eighth grade? For social studies?

36
00:01:37,415 --> 00:01:39,906
Now, see, that was real news. We didn't distort facts!

37
00:01:39,984 --> 00:01:41,918
We told it like it was. Yes!

38
00:01:41,986 --> 00:01:46,218
Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were
burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

39
00:01:46,290 --> 00:01:48,850
That was what was happening!
That's what was going on in the world, man!

40
00:01:48,926 --> 00:01:51,258
That was the truth. We'd been throwing
rocks at cats for years, Dennis.

41
00:01:51,329 --> 00:01:54,059
We had been! And that's what we were reporting on.

42
00:01:54,132 --> 00:01:56,623
What was happening in the world! We can make better news.

43
00:01:56,701 --> 00:01:58,635
We could, Charlie. You want me to grab my camera?

44
00:01:58,703 --> 00:02:01,672
Yes. Just like the old days.
Let's go out there. Let's make some news.

45
00:02:01,739 --> 00:02:05,300
I want in on this action because
I am bored to death sitting here.

46
00:02:05,376 --> 00:02:08,106
No, that's a bad idea. Usually when
you get involved, somebody gets hurt.

47
00:02:08,179 --> 00:02:13,640
That's ridiculous. I'm just palling around
with the guys. How's anybody gonna get hurt?

48
00:02:46,784 --> 00:02:49,719
How much more tape? I just don't want it to jiggle around.

49
00:02:49,787 --> 00:02:52,620
I don't want to put any more tape on it.
I'm the one who's carrying it.

50
00:02:52,690 --> 00:02:55,682
What are you guys doing? I've put a
light on the front of the camera.

51
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,661
What this does is it makes the news talker look brighter.

52
00:02:58,729 --> 00:03:01,892
It always looked fine when we did it.
Frank's got a good idea here.

53
00:03:01,966 --> 00:03:04,992
We're gonna put this stuff on public access TV.

54
00:03:05,069 --> 00:03:07,037
Anybody can get on that! Yeah.

55
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:08,628
What? Nobody watches that shit!

56
00:03:08,706 --> 00:03:11,038
Dude, there's all sorts of great stuff on public access.

57
00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:16,171
Oh, is there? Well, let's see what kind
of quality programming we have here.

58
00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:26,848
What is this? This is public access.

59
00:03:26,924 --> 00:03:29,893
God, that Is so strange. Ew.

60
00:03:29,961 --> 00:03:31,929
Should I turn It off?

61
00:03:31,996 --> 00:03:35,056
No! Well, don't jump to...
We'll just keep it on for a little bit.

62
00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,726
Let's watch it for a little while. Let's find out what...

63
00:03:39,737 --> 00:03:43,138
Do It.

64
00:03:43,207 --> 00:03:45,437
Get after it, huh? Yeah, yeah.

65
00:03:47,044 --> 00:03:49,808
All right, let's turn It off! Turn It off! Shut It off!

66
00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:52,873
Okay. We're gonna go down to the power plant...

67
00:03:52,950 --> 00:03:55,748
and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer.

68
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:59,620
Holy shit, dude! I didn't know that! He's making it up, Charlie.

69
00:03:59,690 --> 00:04:03,057
Why would you do that? That's a great story!
It scares the shit out of everybody.

70
00:04:03,127 --> 00:04:05,527
Yeah. Everybody will be terrified.

71
00:04:05,596 --> 00:04:09,123
We don't want to just scare people.
We want to blow the lid off of real scandals.

72
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,760
Expose real crime and corruption. What?

73
00:04:11,836 --> 00:04:14,805
People don't care about that shit.
They want glitz and glamour, celebrities.

74
00:04:14,872 --> 00:04:18,069
They want to read about shit that's gonna help
them forget how miserable their lives are.

75
00:04:18,142 --> 00:04:21,202
And pretend like they know what it's like to
be famous 'cause that's what everybody wants.

76
00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:23,907
Of course everybody wants to be famous
'cause celebrities get everything.

77
00:04:23,981 --> 00:04:27,508
Easiest job in the world. You don't even
have to do anything anymore to be famous.

78
00:04:27,585 --> 00:04:30,213
No. Look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty, drunken whore.

79
00:04:30,288 --> 00:04:33,086
You could be famous for being a dirty, drunk whore.
You're a dirty, drunk whore already.

80
00:04:33,157 --> 00:04:37,059
I'm not. But I could be famous if I
just got drunk, went out to a club...

81
00:04:37,128 --> 00:04:39,790
let people shoot some video with their fancy camera phones.

82
00:04:39,864 --> 00:04:43,391
Right. Get a couple of up skirts, a couple nip slips.
Boom. You'd be famous like that.

83
00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:46,834
I think I'd like to avoid the nip slips and up skirts.
I see where you're going with this.

84
00:04:46,904 --> 00:04:50,465
I'll talk you into it at some point.
And I could be famous just by being friends with you.

85
00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,338
Absolutely. Great. Good luck with that.

86
00:04:52,410 --> 00:04:55,277
Frank, Charlie and I are gonna go to where the real action is.

87
00:04:55,346 --> 00:04:56,608
Boom!

88
00:04:56,681 --> 00:04:59,149
Why'd you drag us to a place like this?

89
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:02,117
It smells like the bottom of a birdcage.

90
00:05:02,186 --> 00:05:06,282
Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes,
Frank, okay? These places are like prisons.

91
00:05:06,357 --> 00:05:07,756
Like people getting assraped?

92
00:05:07,825 --> 00:05:11,625
What? Oh, my God, dude. No, not like people getting assraped.

93
00:05:11,696 --> 00:05:15,257
People don't want to be here because they
feel like... They're getting assraped.

94
00:05:15,333 --> 00:05:17,893
Nobody's getting assraped, Frank! God, man.
Stop saying "assraped. "

95
00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,597
We're locked and loaded here, man.
I'm ready to shoot this thing.

96
00:05:20,671 --> 00:05:23,105
Let's talk to this woman. Yeah, let's go. Come on. Let's move.

97
00:05:23,174 --> 00:05:26,143
Okay, here we go. I'm gonna do, like, a catchphrase thing.

98
00:05:26,210 --> 00:05:29,304
Ready? In, three, two, one. Here we go.

99
00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:33,510
Good afternoon, Philadelphia. This is Mac coming
to you live from the Malvin Retirement Home.

100
00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:36,678
Go, go, go, go. Hello, miss. What's your name?

101
00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:38,688
Irvene Simon.

102
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:42,089
Hello, Irvene. Why don't you tell
us what's really going on here?

103
00:05:42,159 --> 00:05:44,093
Cool face. Hold It. Hold It.

104
00:05:44,161 --> 00:05:46,652
Well, I get up around 5:00.

105
00:05:46,731 --> 00:05:50,428
5:30, if it's bingo the night before.

106
00:05:50,501 --> 00:05:53,937
Then I eat breakfast. I like to have fruit.

107
00:05:54,005 --> 00:05:56,530
She steals the grapes! I do not!

108
00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:59,872
Check her purse! I think we've covered
breakfast. Let's move past it.

109
00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:02,208
Good save. Then after breakfast...

110
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,339
I like to sit and read recipes.

111
00:06:05,416 --> 00:06:08,442
I don't even know how to cook.

112
00:06:08,519 --> 00:06:12,148
Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene?

113
00:06:12,223 --> 00:06:14,748
My grandson's birthday's on Friday.

114
00:06:14,825 --> 00:06:18,158
No, no. Is there anything about this place that you don't like?

115
00:06:19,597 --> 00:06:21,531
The blacks. Cut!

116
00:06:21,599 --> 00:06:25,194
Cut! Cut that! What are you cutting for?
That was just starting to get good.

117
00:06:25,269 --> 00:06:29,831
It was not good, okay? It was the ramblings of a crazy,
old racist. Is it hot in here?

118
00:06:29,907 --> 00:06:33,104
I meant to bring this up.
How are you sweating so much? It's freezing!

119
00:06:33,177 --> 00:06:35,338
It's freezing! Yeah. They try to keep them alive.

120
00:06:35,413 --> 00:06:38,109
Because meat spoils slower in a fridge. So they keep it cold.

121
00:06:38,182 --> 00:06:40,116
That interview was terrible. It was terrible.

122
00:06:40,184 --> 00:06:42,345
We need a more exciting truth. We do. Yeah.

123
00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:45,787
Let's set this place on fire.
Let's burn it to the ground! Now you're talking.

124
00:06:45,856 --> 00:06:47,790
We're not setting a nursing home on fire!

125
00:06:47,858 --> 00:06:49,792
Those curtains would go up like a snap.

126
00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:53,489
No, we need to find a more exciting
part of the city. Wait a second.

127
00:06:53,564 --> 00:06:55,725
I know just the place.

128
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,963
The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!

129
00:06:59,036 --> 00:07:00,833
Okay, okay. Quick conference, guys.

130
00:07:00,905 --> 00:07:03,032
Everyone keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right?

131
00:07:03,107 --> 00:07:05,575
People here, they love to... Look. Look at this guy.

132
00:07:05,643 --> 00:07:10,706
He's definitely a drifter. He's going to
his car and he's gonna slide it sideways.

133
00:07:10,781 --> 00:07:13,249
Oh, my God. And you know what happens with
Tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering.

134
00:07:13,317 --> 00:07:15,251
They always bicker. Which, of course, leads to karate.

135
00:07:15,319 --> 00:07:19,619
Which eventually will lead to dudes flying
from window to window and treetop to treetop.

136
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,624
Shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers. Yeah!

137
00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:24,126
There's the guy that shoots the
lightning bolts out of his hands!

138
00:07:24,195 --> 00:07:26,891
He wears the big, straw hat. And he does that.

139
00:07:26,964 --> 00:07:28,898
We're on the same page. His eyes go all white and shit.

140
00:07:28,966 --> 00:07:30,558
Let's do It. And Kurt Russell fights him.

141
00:07:32,636 --> 00:07:34,501
Oh, my God, dude. The smell is overwhelming.

142
00:07:34,572 --> 00:07:36,506
What the hell are these guys doing?

143
00:07:36,574 --> 00:07:39,236
They're just trading fish for other fish is what it looks like.

144
00:07:39,310 --> 00:07:42,302
They're not even bickering. This isn't gonna lead to karate.

145
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:47,646
I think what we gotta do is find one sick
guy and do a story about a new pandemic.

146
00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:51,245
No one cares about those kinda things,
Frank. This guy looks sick.

147
00:07:51,322 --> 00:07:55,349
That's the same fish they just passed
to each other. Like bird flu, fish flu.

148
00:07:55,426 --> 00:07:58,623
We gotta get 'em to fight. They just
passed that same fish head back and forth.

149
00:07:58,696 --> 00:08:00,630
You think we could get 'em to fight? Whoa.

150
00:08:00,698 --> 00:08:03,292
Here we go. What's that, huh?

151
00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:06,131
Oh, that looks exciting. Ooh. Let's go.

152
00:08:06,203 --> 00:08:09,639
That's a bunch of people. Let's go.
Come on. Charlie, fire up that camera.

153
00:08:09,707 --> 00:08:12,574
I'm doing it.

154
00:08:12,643 --> 00:08:15,077
Can you see sweat? Because I'm sweating a little bit. So much.

155
00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:18,081
Yeah? It's a lot? Okay. What if I do... That's better. Go.

156
00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:21,050
Okay. Good afternoon, Philadelphia. We're here in Chinatown...

157
00:08:21,118 --> 00:08:25,020
where a large crowd has gathered for
what can only be a martial arts showdown.

158
00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:28,286
You look scared. I'm not. I'm sorry.
I'm just sweating. It's very hot.

159
00:08:28,359 --> 00:08:32,819
Martial arts. Okay. Martial arts expo... Just go in. Go in.

160
00:08:39,470 --> 00:08:41,768
Goddamn it! Love 30.

161
00:08:41,839 --> 00:08:44,034
Whoa.

162
00:08:45,476 --> 00:08:47,410
A pandemic. Bird flu! Bird flu!

163
00:08:47,478 --> 00:08:50,413
I think he's choking, guys. What? He is choking!

164
00:08:50,481 --> 00:08:53,473
Frank, give him the Heimlich! I'm not gonna
touch him. I don't know what he's got.

165
00:08:53,551 --> 00:08:56,452
Do you know the Heimlich? I don't know the Heimlich!
Punch him in the stomach or something.

166
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,954
Okay.

167
00:08:59,023 --> 00:09:01,321
Oh, baby! I did it?

168
00:09:01,392 --> 00:09:03,326
You okay? I did it!

169
00:09:03,394 --> 00:09:07,421
I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah!

170
00:09:07,498 --> 00:09:10,990
That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming.

171
00:09:11,068 --> 00:09:13,002
I'm a hero! You got that, right, Charlie?

172
00:09:13,070 --> 00:09:15,163
Yeah. Yeah. I did and I didn't, Frank. What?

173
00:09:15,239 --> 00:09:18,174
I did and I didn't. You were pointing the camera at him, right?

174
00:09:18,242 --> 00:09:21,109
You got it, right? The punch and everything, right? No, I did...

175
00:09:21,178 --> 00:09:25,410
I did point the camera at it.
But you know what? I did not put a tape in here.

176
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:27,416
What? What are you talking about?

177
00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:32,012
The problem was that I got the flashlight on.
And I taped the whole deal up.

178
00:09:32,089 --> 00:09:34,250
I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in.

179
00:09:34,325 --> 00:09:39,763
I didn't have much more duct tape. So I figured,
stick with the flashlight while we got it.

180
00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:43,425
So you never put a tape in? While we were
out there taping the guys with the fish!

181
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,492
Oh, my God! See what's happening here?
We're getting a yelling...

182
00:09:46,570 --> 00:09:49,903
Yeah, we're gonna get yelling! Oh,
I'm sorry! I forgot to put a tape in!

183
00:09:49,974 --> 00:09:51,908
I forgot to put a tape in!

184
00:09:51,976 --> 00:09:53,876
All right, all right, all right! All right.

185
00:09:53,944 --> 00:09:59,314
Here's what we do. We recreate your heroic moment.

186
00:09:59,383 --> 00:10:01,578
That's it. We do it again.

187
00:10:01,652 --> 00:10:03,483
We just recreate it? Yes!

188
00:10:03,554 --> 00:10:07,046
This time we put a tape in... Tape in this time, yes.

189
00:10:07,124 --> 00:10:09,888
Take the light off of it maybe.
Yeah, maybe we don't sweat so much.

190
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,623
Maybe we'll wear more makeup. Don't blame
it on my sweat glands. That's not fair.

191
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,631
We'll just recreate the whole thing. All right, let's...

192
00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:20,068
And you know, you can... And this time I could...
I could look a little bit more heroic.

193
00:10:20,137 --> 00:10:22,867
You could look a lot more heroic, bro.
We'll put enough makeup on you.

194
00:10:22,940 --> 00:10:26,671
You'll look like the shit. All right.
Let's just make some news, please.

195
00:10:26,744 --> 00:10:28,719
All right.

196
00:10:32,623 --> 00:10:37,583
Ooh! I feel like we've been standing in this line forever!

197
00:10:37,661 --> 00:10:41,062
For like our lifetimes! I don't know if
we're ever gonna get inside of this place.

198
00:10:41,131 --> 00:10:43,361
Dee, it's a club. You have to wait in a line.

199
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:47,200
I gotta be honest with you. I feel like I'm
just a little bit too drunk to stand up.

200
00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:49,899
You were supposed to wait and get drunk
inside the club, not outside the club.

201
00:10:49,974 --> 00:10:52,841
Nobody gives a shit about a stupid,
drunk whore outside of a club.

202
00:10:52,910 --> 00:10:55,435
That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down.

203
00:10:55,513 --> 00:10:58,641
Lie down? What are you talking about?
What are you doing? Dee? Oh!

204
00:10:58,716 --> 00:11:02,914
Now you're just some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage.

205
00:11:02,987 --> 00:11:06,354
Night-night. "Night-night"? Night-night. Great.

206
00:11:06,423 --> 00:11:08,516
You want to come in with us?

207
00:11:10,494 --> 00:11:13,861
Uh, yeah.

208
00:11:13,931 --> 00:11:16,126
Here, take this. What is this?

209
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,465
You'll see.

210
00:11:34,952 --> 00:11:40,015
Oh! Oh, my God!

211
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:42,058
Holy shit, it's bright out here!

212
00:11:46,263 --> 00:11:49,198
Dee, get up. Get up! Come on! What?

213
00:11:49,266 --> 00:11:53,498
Where am I? I'm crashing pretty hard.
I need to go home and get some sleep.

214
00:11:53,571 --> 00:11:55,664
What happened last night?

215
00:11:55,739 --> 00:11:59,573
Don't make me into the bad guy.
I'm going out of my way to make us both famous.

216
00:11:59,643 --> 00:12:01,543
It's not my fault if you're not living up to your end.

217
00:12:01,612 --> 00:12:06,413
Okay. Well, why don't you take my picture now?

218
00:12:06,483 --> 00:12:08,417
Dee, that's not gonna work, okay?

219
00:12:08,485 --> 00:12:11,386
You're not famous yet. You're just some stupid,
drunk chick who slept in her own puke.

220
00:12:11,455 --> 00:12:14,253
Really? We'll come back tonight. Come on. Ride's leaving.

221
00:12:14,325 --> 00:12:16,316
Can...

222
00:12:21,865 --> 00:12:24,891
No, come on. I'm not gonna stand in this big line again.

223
00:12:24,969 --> 00:12:28,132
We don't have to wait in line.
Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line.

224
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:30,765
They shove their way to the front and
they take a shit all over the bouncer.

225
00:12:30,841 --> 00:12:33,867
That's what you're gonna do. Don't know if I
feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer.

226
00:12:33,944 --> 00:12:37,175
You just gotta talk down to him a little bit.
Make him feel like he's beneath you.

227
00:12:37,247 --> 00:12:39,909
That way, he'd be too afraid not to let you in. Right? Really?

228
00:12:39,984 --> 00:12:42,646
The guy doesn't want to lose his job. I don't know.

229
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,019
Dee, do you want to be famous or not?

230
00:12:46,090 --> 00:12:48,388
All right? Take a shit on this guy. Okay.

231
00:12:48,459 --> 00:12:50,723
Shove your way. Go. Shove, shove. I can shit on him, I think.

232
00:12:50,794 --> 00:12:54,389
Hey, look out. Jesus, you're in my way!

233
00:12:54,465 --> 00:12:56,399
Move it! Move it! Hey! Okay. Good start.

234
00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:59,800
Short stuff, out of my way. Yeah, you saw me. Hi, there.

235
00:12:59,870 --> 00:13:02,134
What's your name? Dee Reynolds.

236
00:13:02,206 --> 00:13:07,803
You on the list? List? I don't
need to be on that list, you idiot.

237
00:13:07,878 --> 00:13:11,473
You piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you.

238
00:13:11,548 --> 00:13:13,778
I clean you off of my shoes at night.

239
00:13:13,851 --> 00:13:15,785
I step on you, and then I throw away the shoe.

240
00:13:15,853 --> 00:13:19,721
That shoe that I just threw away,
that's worth more than your worthless life, mister.

241
00:13:19,790 --> 00:13:23,726
And I am pissed because I loved that shoe. You dirt.

242
00:13:23,794 --> 00:13:26,228
You piece of subhuman shit.

243
00:13:26,296 --> 00:13:28,287
Whoa, whoa. Dee, take it easy, all right?

244
00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:31,528
I'm not gonna take it easy because
this talking dump of a bouncer...

245
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,536
is starting to get on my nerves.

246
00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:38,007
I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole.
Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea?

247
00:13:38,075 --> 00:13:40,543
Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas?

248
00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:45,776
Is there any kind of thought roaming
around in that thick, shit skull of yours?

249
00:13:45,849 --> 00:13:47,612
You with her?

250
00:13:47,685 --> 00:13:49,846
No! Nope. What?

251
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,252
And what is your name? Dennis Reynolds.

252
00:13:52,322 --> 00:13:56,315
Dennis Reynolds? Well, what do you know,
Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list.

253
00:13:56,393 --> 00:13:58,827
No, no... Oh, wow. That's awesome.

254
00:13:58,896 --> 00:14:03,026
What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right?

255
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:06,001
Uh...

256
00:14:11,408 --> 00:14:14,343
Dancing Guy! Oh, I love your show, man.

257
00:14:16,113 --> 00:14:18,138
Wow, Dancing Guy!

258
00:14:18,282 --> 00:14:20,147
Stop pressing so hard. Dude, I have to press hard.

259
00:14:20,217 --> 00:14:22,947
You get so nervous, you sweat through it every time.

260
00:14:23,020 --> 00:14:24,783
Just make sure that it's even. I'm gonna make it even, man!

261
00:14:24,855 --> 00:14:28,518
You need to just start calming down
and relaxing a little bit more, man.

262
00:14:28,592 --> 00:14:32,119
I'm very stressed out, Charlie.
It's a very stressful situation. Then relax, dude.

263
00:14:32,196 --> 00:14:34,721
Calm yourself a little bit. Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry. I just...

264
00:14:34,798 --> 00:14:36,891
No, come on, dude. Shh. That's not such a...

265
00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:39,060
Well, it's... Okay? Come on, dude.

266
00:14:39,136 --> 00:14:42,765
Hey, who's that sexy news guy It's Mac

267
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,774
Yes, it's Mac It's Mac.

268
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:49,302
And he's on the channel whatever we make it on news

269
00:14:49,379 --> 00:14:52,405
Right? We're gonna make it on the TV

270
00:14:52,483 --> 00:14:55,452
All right, here it is. You go into the building.
You go into the building.

271
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,680
You run out. And get the kitties.

272
00:14:57,755 --> 00:14:59,689
With the little box of cats, right? A box of cats.

273
00:14:59,757 --> 00:15:02,225
And you save them. You save them!

274
00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:04,852
I save them from what?

275
00:15:05,929 --> 00:15:07,658
Uh...

276
00:15:07,731 --> 00:15:10,165
Are you gonna set the building on fire?

277
00:15:10,234 --> 00:15:12,031
No! Charlie, are you gonna set the building on fire?

278
00:15:12,102 --> 00:15:13,399
Yes. Goddamn it!

279
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:14,994
You want the show to be a hit or what?

280
00:15:15,072 --> 00:15:18,769
I am not running into a burning building!
It's gotta be exciting!

281
00:15:18,842 --> 00:15:20,935
That's what the news talkers... Come on, dude.

282
00:15:21,011 --> 00:15:24,003
Well, I quit. 'Cause I can't seem to get into any of the clubs.

283
00:15:24,081 --> 00:15:28,177
And if I can't get into any of the clubs,
then how the hell am I supposed to get famous?

284
00:15:30,454 --> 00:15:32,046
Three, two, action.

285
00:15:32,122 --> 00:15:34,420
Good evening, Philadelphia. We've just received word that...

286
00:15:34,491 --> 00:15:37,119
a litter of adorable kittens is stranded
somewhere inside this building...

287
00:15:37,194 --> 00:15:39,355
that could erupt into flames at any moment!

288
00:15:39,429 --> 00:15:41,989
Who will save them? Good, good.

289
00:15:42,065 --> 00:15:44,465
Now shoot the building now. What? Okay.

290
00:15:44,535 --> 00:15:46,560
Who will save them? Move, dude!

291
00:15:46,637 --> 00:15:48,935
I know, but I'm saying... If I could get into the... Go.

292
00:15:49,006 --> 00:15:50,940
Calm down, calm down, calm down, dude!

293
00:15:51,008 --> 00:15:53,374
So I just go grab the box of kittens and run out?

294
00:15:53,443 --> 00:15:57,607
Yeah. That's all there is to it.
You'll be famous. Everybody loves a hero.

295
00:15:57,681 --> 00:15:59,581
Okay. Sounds easy enough.

296
00:15:59,650 --> 00:16:01,641
Get to it.

297
00:16:04,621 --> 00:16:08,022
It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here!

298
00:16:08,091 --> 00:16:10,924
Uhhuh.

299
00:16:14,198 --> 00:16:16,666
I cannot believe you guys. I could've been killed!

300
00:16:16,733 --> 00:16:18,758
Somebody had to save those kittens.

301
00:16:18,836 --> 00:16:21,270
They were trapped inside a burning building, Deandra.

302
00:16:21,338 --> 00:16:24,000
You set me on fire! We set the building on fire.

303
00:16:24,074 --> 00:16:26,599
You just happened to catch on fire. Barely.

304
00:16:26,677 --> 00:16:28,235
Yeah, we put you out. That's right.

305
00:16:28,312 --> 00:16:32,271
I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

306
00:16:32,349 --> 00:16:34,476
Well, I do look really heroic.

307
00:16:34,551 --> 00:16:37,679
No, you do not look heroic! You threw
the box of kittens. How do you figure?

308
00:16:37,754 --> 00:16:40,245
I was on fire!

309
00:16:40,324 --> 00:16:42,849
We gotta shoot this shit again. Yeah, like fire hurts.

310
00:16:42,926 --> 00:16:45,326
All right.

311
00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:47,920
Hey, Dancing Guy! That's the man.

312
00:16:47,998 --> 00:16:51,627
Now this is entertainment. Oh.

313
00:16:51,702 --> 00:16:54,466
I can't believe... It doesn't make any sense, man.

314
00:16:54,538 --> 00:16:57,598
It's, like, what is he...

315
00:16:57,674 --> 00:17:02,204
What's the time? Diaper Time!

316
00:17:02,279 --> 00:17:04,213
Whoa! What?

317
00:17:04,281 --> 00:17:06,476
That is weird.

318
00:17:09,586 --> 00:17:11,520
They're really stepping up the insanity here.

319
00:17:11,588 --> 00:17:14,182
Where do they find these people? Look at these people.

320
00:17:14,258 --> 00:17:19,787
Do you not find this sad and embarrassing for them?
Those people are pieces of shit.

321
00:17:19,863 --> 00:17:23,390
But I want to watch it. So much and so often I want to watch it.

322
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:25,901
I think we should throw parties and
just sort of watch it together.

323
00:17:25,969 --> 00:17:29,461
Because this is television at its best. Definitely.

324
00:17:33,443 --> 00:17:35,377
People love well stories. Really?

325
00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:37,379
Yes! I feel like well stories are played out.

326
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,381
Who gets stuck in a well anymore? Kittens do.

327
00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:42,850
Kittens? You guys put those kitties in there?

328
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,252
What else were we supposed to put down there, Dee? Oh, man!

329
00:17:45,322 --> 00:17:47,950
All right, fine. I'll do it. But don't set it on fire, okay?

330
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,960
I feel like this is dangerous enough. Deandra, use your head.

331
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:54,122
How are we gonna set a well on fire? It's filled with water.

332
00:17:54,197 --> 00:17:55,789
Huh? Get in the well!

333
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,767
I'm going! Save the kittens! Save the day!

334
00:17:58,835 --> 00:18:00,928
Give me the matches. Yep.

335
00:18:01,004 --> 00:18:03,268
I found the kittens!

336
00:18:04,308 --> 00:18:07,038
Oh, come on!

337
00:18:07,110 --> 00:18:09,044
Okay, it's all good through here.

338
00:18:11,315 --> 00:18:14,478
Hey! There you go. She throws the kittens in every take.

339
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:19,011
Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin.

340
00:18:19,089 --> 00:18:21,489
Do you guys mind keeping it down a little bit?

341
00:18:21,558 --> 00:18:23,685
It's 5:00 in the afternoon. What the hell?

342
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,890
I was at the club all night.
What? Are you turning into a club kid now?

343
00:18:27,965 --> 00:18:32,459
Oh, man. You guys should've been there, man.
Everybody was there. It was so awesome.

344
00:18:32,536 --> 00:18:36,768
We've been trying to turn Dee into a hero by,
like, getting her to rescue kittens...

345
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,070
in compromising situations.

346
00:18:39,142 --> 00:18:40,973
But she messes up every time!

347
00:18:41,044 --> 00:18:44,070
Hey, what if we set up, like, a conveyor belt situation, right?

348
00:18:44,147 --> 00:18:48,447
Put the cats on that. And then at
the end of it, a chopping mechanism.

349
00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:51,487
Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! Hey! This is good!

350
00:18:51,555 --> 00:18:53,147
No. Let's chop cats!

351
00:18:53,223 --> 00:18:57,284
We don't actually chop the cats.
Dee grabs them before they get chopped.

352
00:18:57,361 --> 00:18:59,955
We'll chop a couple cats so that you know it's real. No.

353
00:19:00,030 --> 00:19:04,228
I don't think anybody's really gonna give a
shit about a nobody saving a bunch of kittens.

354
00:19:04,301 --> 00:19:07,327
But a celebrity saving cats... Then you got a story.

355
00:19:07,404 --> 00:19:10,862
So what are you suggesting? I'm building
up quite a reputation around town.

356
00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:13,136
Especially in the club scene. With my connections...

357
00:19:13,210 --> 00:19:15,440
I could probably finally get Dee into some of those clubs.

358
00:19:15,512 --> 00:19:18,276
Once she's in those clubs, I can turn her into a celebrity.

359
00:19:18,348 --> 00:19:20,680
And once she's a celebrity, you guys got a story.

360
00:19:20,751 --> 00:19:24,812
You think she's gonna go for that?
She's pissed at you, bro, for ditching her there.

361
00:19:24,888 --> 00:19:28,949
I don't think Dee's that desperate to get famous.
I mean, nobody's that pathetic.

362
00:19:29,026 --> 00:19:31,119
I can't believe how famous I'm about to be!

363
00:19:31,194 --> 00:19:33,856
Run off to the bathroom and cram a
couple fingers down your throat.

364
00:19:33,930 --> 00:19:35,864
Bulimia's really big with this crowd.

365
00:19:35,932 --> 00:19:38,127
I just tried, but I've been throwing up all day long.

366
00:19:38,201 --> 00:19:40,328
I don't think I have any food left inside of me.

367
00:19:40,404 --> 00:19:42,895
Well, try harder. Because it's really important, all right?

368
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,669
Yeah. Okay. If only just for show.

369
00:19:45,742 --> 00:19:49,075
Dennis! Hey! Hey! These are the girls. Don't screw this up.

370
00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:51,546
These girls can make or break you in this town.

371
00:19:51,615 --> 00:19:54,516
Hey. You look gorgeous.

372
00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:56,552
Hey, listen, ladies. This is my sister.

373
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:59,885
Notice how disgustingly skinny she is. Isn't it weird?

374
00:19:59,956 --> 00:20:02,481
Oh, my God! You are like crack skinny!

375
00:20:02,559 --> 00:20:04,493
Oh! Okay! That's a compliment.

376
00:20:04,561 --> 00:20:07,394
She throws up all the time. Oh, my God. I just got done.

377
00:20:07,464 --> 00:20:09,557
I'm sorry if my breath stinks.

378
00:20:09,633 --> 00:20:12,466
Hey, Dennis, want one? Maybe not tonight, ladies.

379
00:20:12,536 --> 00:20:14,470
I'm kinda working on something.

380
00:20:14,538 --> 00:20:18,372
Oh, come on. Don't be a loser. Yeah!

381
00:20:18,442 --> 00:20:21,275
Well, uh, all right. Yeah, maybe just one.

382
00:20:21,344 --> 00:20:23,642
Do you have one for my sister too?

383
00:20:23,713 --> 00:20:26,580
Sure. What is it?

384
00:20:26,650 --> 00:20:28,914
You'll see.

385
00:20:30,287 --> 00:20:33,415
Chop, chop, chop. Good! Good!

386
00:20:33,490 --> 00:20:36,891
The cat's dead. I don't see any problems
with that other than the fact...

387
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,087
that the camera might see my hand killing the cat.

388
00:20:39,162 --> 00:20:41,926
We're gonna pull the cat out of
there before it gets to the chopper.

389
00:20:41,998 --> 00:20:44,762
But if Sweet Dee doesn't make it in time,
you're gonna see me chop the cat.

390
00:20:44,835 --> 00:20:47,565
Just don't drop the cat. I can't make that promise.

391
00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:50,868
Come on. Whoa! Where have you guys been? You look like shit.

392
00:20:50,941 --> 00:20:53,068
I don't want to talk about that. Did you become celebrities yet?

393
00:20:53,143 --> 00:20:56,601
We're not doing the celebrity thing anymore.
We're done with that.

394
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,410
No. We need you guys. 'Cause we
got this great chopping mechanism.

395
00:20:59,483 --> 00:21:02,247
It's for the news show. There is no news show, Charlie!

396
00:21:02,319 --> 00:21:05,117
Yes, there is a news show,
Dennis! We're gonna put it on public access!

397
00:21:05,188 --> 00:21:07,748
Nobody watches public access.
I don't want to be on public access.

398
00:21:07,824 --> 00:21:10,486
What?

399
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,427
Hey! Hey, Dancing Guy's on! No, no, no, no!

400
00:21:13,497 --> 00:21:17,524
Turn that off! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Dancing Guy's a great show.

401
00:21:17,601 --> 00:21:21,059
Charlie. No, Charlie. Turn it off, man. Turn it off!

402
00:21:21,138 --> 00:21:25,097
What's the time? Diaper Time! What's the time? Diaper Time!

403
00:21:35,819 --> 00:21:38,788
Congratulations, guys. You're famous.