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FXX presents...
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"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".
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But Miss Covington does not
govern the lady of the house.
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If you'll have me as your husband,
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that is what you shall be.
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- Whoa!
- What?
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Oh, my God. I did not see that coming.
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Well, no... I mean, Lord Davenforth
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and Anna the scullery maid?
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I mean, that's... it's
kind of scandalous, really.
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- Kind of scandalous?
- Yeah.
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I usually hate this
old-time British crap.
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- Oh, yeah.
- You know? But, like,
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this-this show is amazing.
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- Yeah.
- It's good. It's...
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They actually knew that you would
love it 'cause of the algorithm.
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The... the what?
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The-the algorithm.
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Yeah, all of our
previously-watched shows,
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they go into a data bank, so
they can accurately predict
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which shows you'll love moving forward.
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So they knew what was gonna happen.
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See, the algorithm, it takes thinking
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- out of the equation, basically.
- Hmm.
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Well, that's because math
and computers can think
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better for us than we
can think for ourselves.
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Yeah... ooh, shut up, shut up.
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I-It's decided we're
watching another one.
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Ah, I love that it does that, too.
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Another thing I don't
have to think about.
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You know what I mean? I-I...
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What I am thinking about,
though, is the fish and chips.
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The fish and chips.
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- These snacks aren't cutting it.
- Where's Frank?
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- I want substance. Where is Frank?
- Need something hearty.
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- He supposed to be here...
- It is weird how, when
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you watch stuff like this,
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you feel like you want
to eat like the British.
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Constantly want to eat like...
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Cop! Cop!
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- All right, fine.
- I'm filming this!
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- Hey, hey, hey. Calm down!
- I didn't do it...
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I came in to tell you there's
a suicidal man on the roof.
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He's threatening to jump.
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We have nothing to do with that!
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Right. Well, the police are handling it,
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but I need you to sit tight.
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No one can enter or exit the building
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until the situation is resolved.
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- Oh...
- Okay. Thank you, ma'am.
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- Thank you for your service.
- Yeah, we love,
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- we love the police.
- Go blue.
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Blue-Blue Lives Matter,
Blue Lives Matter.
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Sh-Shit, man. You guys
know what this means, right?
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What?
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We're not gonna get our fish and chips.
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Sync & corrections by Costa Dax
www.addic7ed.com
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Shifting gears now, we have reports
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of a developing
situation at Paddy's Pub.
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- Oh, that's us. There we are.
- Hey. All right, there we go.
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- We're on TV. Oh, my God.
- That's our bar.
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A man by the name of Bryan O'Brien
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is threatening to jump off the roof.
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"Bryan O'Brien".
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I'd kill myself, too,
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if I had that clown's name.
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You literally have the name of a clown.
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- That's true, you do.
- All right, you know what?
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This is moving a little too slow for me.
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Let's-let's-let's click it back
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- over to the show, yeah?
- Yeah!
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Uh, whoa, h-hold on a second, Dennis.
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Uh, this guy's gonna commit
suicide off of our roof.
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I mean, shouldn't we do something?
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- Us?
- Us do something?
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- Why would we...?
- The cops are handling it.
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- Yeah.
- Well, yeah, but I mean, look,
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if he actually goes through
with it, that's a mortal sin.
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I mean, maybe God is testing us.
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He's not gonna do anything.
This is a classic cry for help.
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If the guy actually
wanted to off himself,
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he'd hop into a warm bath
and he'd do the old...
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You know? North, south.
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- Hmm?
- Hmm?
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He'd go "down the road"
instead of "across the street".
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You know what I mean?
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- I don't know what you mean.
- I have no idea what you mean.
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The proper way to slit
your wrist is take a knife
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and, ideally, you go from
metacarpal straight to bicep,
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connecting with the artery
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- the entire time.
- Oh, man.
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- Oh, you've done research.
- Ugh.
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- That is the most pathetic thing, Dee.
- No, I... I-I'm not talking...
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we're not talking about me.
We're talking about him.
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- Are we not? I think we're...
- We are now.
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Okay, you know what?
The point is, I'm just saying,
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the man has no intention
of offing himself, all right?
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- This is a pathetic attention grab.
- Yeah, well,
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it-it doesn't matter if he wants
do or he doesn't want to.
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He's not gonna die
falling from that height.
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Whoa. Hard disagree, pal.
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You could absolutely die if
you jump from that height.
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What? Dude, it's like three stories.
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It's like basic science,
you know, like...
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Uh, oh, I'm sorry. Let's
not bring science into it.
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Okay? I mean, this is life or death.
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This is God's territory.
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All right? I mean, there is no science.
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- All right.
- What do you mean...
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What do you mean "there is no science"?
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I mean, you were just talking
about how much you love
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science and math for predicting
your television shows.
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The... wh-why do you not
like it in this scenario?
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Like, uh... do you either
believe in science
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or you do not believe in science?
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I am an American! I can
believe in whatever I want...
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- I am also an American. Okay, though?
- ...in any given moment
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based on what the argument
I'm trying to make.
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- That is not an argument.
- Okay? You are not
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a true American, Charlie.
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I'm more American than
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- you will ever be!
- You s...
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Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Simmer down, guys.
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S... just simmer down, calm down.
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All right? Dee, stop being so emotional.
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Okay? So, guys,
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I think I have a way that
we can solve this argument
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without human emotion mucking it all up.
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What we need is an algorithm.
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Now, guys, we are living in a
data-driven world, are we not?
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Yeah!
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So this is my Behavioral
Predictor algorithm.
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- Oh. There's words. Okay.
- Mm.
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- So, first we have: "Could he?"
- No way, uh-uh.
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- Then "Would he?"
- Nah. Cry for help.
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- Mm-hmm.
- And "Should we?"
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- Yes.
- Guys, please.
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Shut the hell up!
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I don't need your opinions.
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Okay? 'Cause based on
the analytical conclusions
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that we draw here, we're
gonna be able to come up
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with a mathematically-accurate,
non-emotional answer
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to all of our questions.
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Okay? We just need to
think like a computer.
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- Oh...
- Oh.
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Like a computer does.
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- I-I'm getting it now.
- Okay.
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Exactly. So why don't we start
with "Could he?" Charlie?
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- Okay, great.
- Do the thing.
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All right. So, what we have here
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is I made a little Paddy's Pub.
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- All right.
- Ah.
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And-and you got the, uh, the jumper?
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Uh, I do. I do.
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Uh, luckily I brought
an egg to work today.
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- Oh! Look at that guy.
- All right, so when the guys falls,
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we'll be able to tell,
based on the breakage,
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what would happen to the jumper when...
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- I think he's gonna smash.
- Y-Yeah, okay.
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- Here we go.
- So, he's up here
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and he's saying, "Oh,
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- I feel so sad. Life is so..."
- Oh, yeah.
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Oh.
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Yeah, Dee, what would
you say in this situation?
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Well, I don't think
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he's sad, I think he's happy
to get off this merry-go-round.
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Oh, my God.
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- That's so pathetic.
- I'd never... I would never...
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That you would know that.
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- You've thought about it.
- You asked me a...
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- You had that in the chamber.
- I'm talking about the egg.
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- Here he goes. "Goodbye, world".
- Goodbye.
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- Oh.
- Okay.
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So I think he'll break a
leg, but, you know...
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- Mm-hmm.
- ...he'll be okay.
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Hmm.
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If I'm being honest, I was
hoping his entire skull
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- would just explode.
- Right.
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I think we all were, Mac. We were hoping
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- for a bit of an explosion. Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
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Yeah, but I think what we
learned is that there's no way
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that the jumper's gonna
die from this height.
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You know? So there's no reason
for us to do anything about it.
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Uh, I don't know about that, b...
I think the problem is, is that,
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you know, an egg,
i-in this particular case,
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a-a hard-boiled egg, it's not really
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an accurate representation
of-of the human head
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- and how it would behave under a fall.
- Yeah, that's true.
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Now, Charlie,
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do you happen to ha... I
know you've got more eggs...
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- Yeah...
- Do you happen
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to have an uncooked one?
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Ugh. No. Unfortunately,
that was the only one I found.
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Found? What does that mean?
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Goddamn it, Dee, are you eating my egg?
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Well, yeah. I got hungry.
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- Oh...
- Uh, we never got our fish and chips.
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You bitch. That was the
only one in the nest.
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Nest? What? Charlie,
where did you get this egg?
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- Where'd you get the egg?
- And why are you going around
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stealing eggs from
goddamn nests in trees?
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Well, it wasn't in-in a
tree, it was in a hole.
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- Oh, no...
- Yeah. I mean,
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it's, like, a rat's egg or something.
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Can we get back to the task
at hand here? All right?
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Okay.
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Dee's eaten some sort of
a rat or a reptile's egg...
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...of some kind,
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- or whatever it is, but...
- Yeah.
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...either way, we got to find something
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that accurately represents
the human head, all right?
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Otherwise, we're not gonna get
the explosion that we want.
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Oh, you know what,
I might be able to get
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Frank's secret casaba melon.
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Mmm. Hmm?
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00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:09,230
Why does Frank keep a
casaba melon in the safe?
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Hmm? I don't know, but he flips out
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if I go anywhere near the thing.
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Has he cut a hole in the rind,
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and then put it back on, like a plug?
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- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
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- Yeah, there's a little...
- You guys think he's
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having sex with it?
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- Well... yeah.
- He's definitely having sex with it.
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Oh, that's...
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Prob-Probably is.
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00:07:22,950 --> 00:07:24,220
- Yeah.
- Probably is.
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- Yeah.
- Hello.
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Hey, guess what.
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There's a guy stuck on
the roof of Paddy's.
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Oh, no, he's not stuck, he's a jumper.
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A jumper? You think you
could die from that height?
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Uh, well, inconclusive. Yeah.
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We'll have an answer for
you on that real soon.
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Speaking of which, we
need your casaba melon.
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We're gonna run a smash test on it.
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Whoa, hold it. What, what, what?
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Stay away from my stuff.
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Don't put your hands near my casaba.
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Yeah, hey, man, why do you have
a-a casaba melon in a safe?
241
00:07:50,980 --> 00:07:53,310
You-you banging it?
242
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,510
It's none of your goddamn
business, Dennis.
243
00:07:55,550 --> 00:07:57,350
- None of your goddamn business!
- Banging it.
244
00:07:57,374 --> 00:07:58,420
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
245
00:07:58,450 --> 00:08:00,350
Damn it, I got to get in there.
246
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:01,450
Damn it.
247
00:08:01,490 --> 00:08:03,620
Dennis is touching my melon.
248
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,520
No. I got to get in there.
249
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,690
Sir, move back. This
area's cordoned off.
250
00:08:07,730 --> 00:08:08,890
There's a jumper on the roof.
251
00:08:08,914 --> 00:08:11,100
You don't understand. It's my son.
252
00:08:11,130 --> 00:08:12,830
He's gonna do something really stupid.
253
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,330
I got to get in there.
254
00:08:14,370 --> 00:08:15,600
Oh, your son?
255
00:08:15,630 --> 00:08:17,000
- Yeah.
- Come with me, sir.
256
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:18,240
- Okay.
- Step aside, please.
257
00:08:24,540 --> 00:08:25,616
Ladies and gentlemen,
please keep a safe distance
258
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,680
- around the perimeter.
- All right, here we go.
259
00:08:27,710 --> 00:08:29,750
Oh, okay, now, I think
this is finally gonna give us
260
00:08:29,774 --> 00:08:31,220
that explosion we've been craving.
261
00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:32,690
Well, yeah. Now, if we see splatter,
262
00:08:32,714 --> 00:08:35,020
that's gonna prove that he
could die by jumping, so yeah.
263
00:08:35,050 --> 00:08:36,350
Okay, ready? Here we go. Five...
264
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:37,860
Four, three,
265
00:08:37,890 --> 00:08:40,960
two, one, ho...
266
00:08:40,990 --> 00:08:42,310
- Cricket!
- Cricket!
267
00:08:42,334 --> 00:08:44,360
- Cricket.
- Where did you come from?
268
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,300
I was up on the roof
getting eggs from a nest.
269
00:08:47,330 --> 00:08:49,030
What the hell? Come on, man.
270
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,400
Yeah, yeah, well,
271
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:52,070
I checked the hole, but it was empty.
272
00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:53,476
- Oh, I got the one in the hole.
- The hole.
273
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,316
Hey, you know that you guys
have a guy up on your roof?
274
00:08:55,340 --> 00:08:56,276
- Yeah, we know.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
275
00:08:56,301 --> 00:08:57,240
There's a guy, there's a jumper.
276
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,810
Guys, why the hell are you wasting
277
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,580
a perfectly good casaba melon?
278
00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:03,450
We're trying to figure
out if the guy could die
279
00:09:03,474 --> 00:09:04,820
from falling off our roof, so...
280
00:09:04,850 --> 00:09:06,350
Oh, no way. No.
281
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,180
I've fallen off buildings
before; I never die.
282
00:09:08,204 --> 00:09:10,190
And look at me. I'm doing great.
283
00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:11,920
Yeah, but you're not
really a trustworthy
284
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,320
control group, Cricket.
285
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:14,090
I mean, you know,
you're sort of subhuman
286
00:09:14,130 --> 00:09:15,260
at this point, you know.
287
00:09:15,290 --> 00:09:16,450
- For sure.
- I don't know how
288
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,040
to squeeze that one into the algorithm.
289
00:09:18,064 --> 00:09:20,600
Hey, I'm just going to, uh, take
the casaba and head on out.
290
00:09:21,870 --> 00:09:22,870
No, you're not, Cricket.
291
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:24,300
- Get out of here, street rat.
- Go!
292
00:09:24,324 --> 00:09:25,500
- Get out! Go.
- Fine.
293
00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:27,610
Go get high in the
bathroom, or whatever.
294
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,110
Cricket actually just
made me realize something.
295
00:09:30,140 --> 00:09:32,180
We already have data for this situation.
296
00:09:32,210 --> 00:09:33,950
Maureen Ponderosa.
297
00:09:33,980 --> 00:09:36,920
Now, she died from falling
off a much shorter building.
298
00:09:36,950 --> 00:09:38,926
- Yeah, but you pushed her.
- No, no, no, they never proved that.
299
00:09:38,950 --> 00:09:40,250
That was never proven.
300
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,280
It was never even proven
that she was pushed. Okay?
301
00:09:42,304 --> 00:09:44,020
But it was, I have to say, fortunate
302
00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:45,690
that she landed on her head, you know.
303
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,560
Or at least he certainly
made it look that way.
304
00:09:48,590 --> 00:09:51,060
- He pushed her.
- Yeah, he pushed her.
305
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:52,420
No, I was following your threads.
306
00:09:52,444 --> 00:09:54,070
Come on, you guys are nuts, all right.
307
00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:56,030
Li-Listen, the point is, it's all about
308
00:09:56,070 --> 00:09:57,570
how this guy falls, okay.
309
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,246
'Cause if he falls feet first,
he might break a couple bones,
310
00:09:59,270 --> 00:10:00,370
sure, but he-he'll be fine,
311
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,940
he'll survive, you know what I mean?
312
00:10:01,970 --> 00:10:03,740
That'd be more of a cry for help, right?
313
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:04,786
- Wouldn't you say, Dee?
- Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
314
00:10:04,810 --> 00:10:06,280
- So sad that you know that.
- Stop!
315
00:10:06,310 --> 00:10:08,670
But if the guy falls head first,
now that'd be a death jump.
316
00:10:08,694 --> 00:10:10,210
Right? So the answer to the question
317
00:10:10,250 --> 00:10:11,720
"could he die from jumping?"
318
00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:13,880
Yeah, absolutely, if
he did a death jump.
319
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:15,550
Okay, you're right. It's how he falls.
320
00:10:15,590 --> 00:10:17,990
Exactly, exactly. But
the question still remains:
321
00:10:18,020 --> 00:10:19,990
would he jump, would he do it at all?
322
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,430
And for that we need to
understand his state of mind.
323
00:10:22,460 --> 00:10:26,300
And for that, we got to
go back to the algorithm.
324
00:10:26,330 --> 00:10:28,430
All right, so how does
one go about figuring out
325
00:10:28,470 --> 00:10:30,630
what another human being would do?
326
00:10:30,670 --> 00:10:32,840
Right? How do you truly
get to know someone?
327
00:10:32,870 --> 00:10:34,286
- Just go through their trash.
- Sleep with them.
328
00:10:34,310 --> 00:10:35,840
- Oh.
- Uh, talk to their priest,
329
00:10:35,870 --> 00:10:37,030
then sleep with their priest.
330
00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:38,610
Then blackmail the priest.
331
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,310
Then go back to the priest
and ask him to ask God
332
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,350
to forgive you for blackmailing him.
333
00:10:43,380 --> 00:10:44,950
No. No.
334
00:10:44,980 --> 00:10:46,680
You just, uh...
335
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,290
We're just gonna pull up Bryan
O'Brien's social media page,
336
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,290
and we're gonna comb
through that for any
337
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,290
pertinent information on his life.
338
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,720
Okay, so from what I'm seeing here,
339
00:10:53,744 --> 00:10:55,290
he looks like a pretty normal guy.
340
00:10:55,330 --> 00:10:56,290
Yeah, it looks like he likes to travel.
341
00:10:56,330 --> 00:10:57,800
He was recently on a cruise.
342
00:10:57,830 --> 00:10:59,606
Lot, lot of pictures
of food. I love that.
343
00:10:59,630 --> 00:11:01,006
- Oh, I love that.
- Oh, I love that.
344
00:11:01,030 --> 00:11:02,446
- Don't you love that?
- 'Cause I know what I ate.
345
00:11:02,470 --> 00:11:04,176
I don't know... I want
to know what you ate.
346
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,676
It's a good reminder
that food is a thing.
347
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:07,346
- Yeah, exactly. Right.
- You know what I mean?
348
00:11:07,370 --> 00:11:09,331
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, so it looks like
349
00:11:09,356 --> 00:11:10,436
he's got a lot to live for.
350
00:11:10,465 --> 00:11:12,440
- He's eating food.
- Mm-hmm.
351
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,880
Or-or-or is he?
352
00:11:14,910 --> 00:11:17,450
Because is... is that just what
he wants you to believe?
353
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,440
You know, because we all
know that on the surface,
354
00:11:19,464 --> 00:11:21,520
social media... it's a lie.
355
00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:23,150
All right, so let's dig
deeper, shall we?
356
00:11:23,174 --> 00:11:25,690
Now, clock the amount of baseball caps
357
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,366
this guy's wearing, and
with the tucked-in shirts,
358
00:11:27,390 --> 00:11:29,270
it's a bit of a juvenile
look for a man his age,
359
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:31,140
wouldn't you say? I mean,
he's hardly a child,
360
00:11:31,170 --> 00:11:33,360
but he's still hanging on to his youth.
361
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,130
That suggests to me that maybe
he's got some daddy issues.
362
00:11:36,170 --> 00:11:38,970
- Mm-hmm.
- Abandonment, abuse.
363
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,410
Plus, he gave him a comical
name, like Mac's dad did.
364
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:42,589
His dad hates him as much
as Mac's dad hates him.
365
00:11:42,613 --> 00:11:42,970
That's so sad.
366
00:11:43,010 --> 00:11:46,080
No, my dad loves me. That...
No, my name's an homage.
367
00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:48,590
- No, it's not. He really doesn't.
- My dad's name's an homage.
368
00:11:48,614 --> 00:11:50,250
It's an homage to a hamburger clown.
369
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,580
But, uh, oh, look at this,
looks like he also, uh,
370
00:11:52,620 --> 00:11:55,750
just got back from a cruise,
alone, to mainland Alaska. Oh.
371
00:11:55,790 --> 00:11:57,920
- Lame.
- Where he met himself an edgy woman
372
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,860
at a conference, and she introduced him
373
00:11:59,890 --> 00:12:01,760
to a whole new way of life:
374
00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:05,360
parasailing, Chilean wines, a tattoo
375
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,600
of Spider-Man, butt-eating...
376
00:12:07,630 --> 00:12:10,000
Butt-eating? Where are
you getting that from?
377
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:13,940
Well... there's a certain glint
in the eye, you know, a sparkle.
378
00:12:13,970 --> 00:12:16,270
You can see that in someone's eye?
379
00:12:16,310 --> 00:12:17,310
- Oh, Dee.
- I'm asking.
380
00:12:18,810 --> 00:12:20,770
- Have you been eating butts?
- Of course she has!
381
00:12:20,794 --> 00:12:22,450
- Nasty!
- You are too much today, Dee.
382
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,010
- I was clarifying.
- You're nasty.
383
00:12:24,050 --> 00:12:25,850
- Too much.
- I just was curious.
384
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,690
But recently the girlfriend,
she's disappeared
385
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,280
from his pictures, which tells me that,
386
00:12:29,310 --> 00:12:31,390
uh, she probably broke up
with him, you know, because
387
00:12:31,430 --> 00:12:33,730
of all his father issues,
and 'cause he's an alcoholic,
388
00:12:33,770 --> 00:12:36,730
and because of the copious
requests for butt-eating,
389
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,260
which, she was thinking was
more of a one-time thing,
390
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,370
and he was thinking, this is a
thing now, like, from now on.
391
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:43,600
You got him. Nice work, man.
392
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,470
- Yeah. Geez.
- That sums this guy up, I think.
393
00:12:45,494 --> 00:12:46,940
All right, guys, so in summation,
394
00:12:46,970 --> 00:12:48,850
algorithm-wise, what have
we learned here today?
395
00:12:48,874 --> 00:12:51,040
- That Dee's a nasty fucking slut.
- You are so nasty.
396
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,740
- Okay, all right.
- You nasty!
397
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:54,371
- Disgusting.
- Definitely, definitely,
398
00:12:54,396 --> 00:12:55,710
but also that the poorly named
399
00:12:55,750 --> 00:13:00,550
Bryan O'Brien most definitely
would kill himself.
400
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,349
- No-no-no...
- So has your son exhibited
401
00:13:02,374 --> 00:13:03,720
this kind of behavior before?
402
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:06,660
What? Oh, yeah, he's a
real deranged person.
403
00:13:06,690 --> 00:13:08,590
This kid's a real whack job.
404
00:13:08,630 --> 00:13:10,790
I'm afraid he's gonna do
something really stupid
405
00:13:10,830 --> 00:13:12,960
this time. I got to get in there.
406
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,946
- I can't let you do that, sir.
- But-but, look, it might've been
407
00:13:14,970 --> 00:13:16,600
my fault. I mean, we had an argument...
408
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:18,170
I assure you we're doing all we can.
409
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,100
We're trying to talk to him now.
410
00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:21,640
- So just stay put.
- But-but, hey...
411
00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,470
Excuse me, sir, I'm Jackie Denardo
412
00:13:23,510 --> 00:13:25,280
from Channel Five News.
413
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:36,120
♪ Oh, oh, whoa. ♪
414
00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:37,520
I hear you're the father.
415
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,290
I would love to interview you.
416
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,330
Baby, I'll do anything you want.
417
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,530
My son is actually a big fan of yours.
418
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:46,669
- Oh.
- I mean, it would
419
00:13:46,694 --> 00:13:47,970
really get under his skin
420
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,170
if he knew I was standing next to those.
421
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,200
Uh, you. You.
422
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,720
Okay, guys, now we
are on to "Should we?"
423
00:14:03,750 --> 00:14:06,050
Should we get involved
in this in any way?
424
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,050
Is it our moral obligation, as Mac says,
425
00:14:08,090 --> 00:14:09,690
to keep this man from committing suicide
426
00:14:09,714 --> 00:14:11,960
- and going to hell...
- What... I feel... I don't know.
427
00:14:11,990 --> 00:14:12,890
I still think we just better, like,
428
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,790
- let the cops do their jobs.
- Mm-hmm.
429
00:14:14,830 --> 00:14:16,670
Mm, I don't know. But
we've already established
430
00:14:16,694 --> 00:14:18,360
that this guy could die and would jump,
431
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,870
so, I don't know, the chances
of the police getting in there
432
00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:23,200
in time to-to stop this guy
are, uh, pretty slim.
433
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,040
And then we could be
known as a suicide bar,
434
00:14:25,070 --> 00:14:27,040
and that's no good.
I don't want to be that.
435
00:14:27,070 --> 00:14:29,710
Yeah, kind of grim. I'd probably
take my business elsewhere.
436
00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:31,240
You don't have business.
437
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,910
Oh! What, uh, what if you
lean into that, though?
438
00:14:33,950 --> 00:14:36,350
Right? Like, you don't make it
grim, but you make it playful.
439
00:14:36,374 --> 00:14:39,680
Like, we start to name drinks
after jumpers or whatever,
440
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,690
like, uh, The Last Call.
441
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:42,920
The Jump Shot.
442
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,360
Lemon Drop.
443
00:14:44,390 --> 00:14:45,690
- Right.
- Oh. There you go.
444
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,530
Cosmo-fall-itan?
445
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,260
- Oh!
- Very good.
446
00:14:49,290 --> 00:14:51,430
We could become, like,
a hot spot for jumpers.
447
00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:53,436
You know? We'd put their
pictures up, all around the bar
448
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:55,180
- to immortalize them, you know?
- Oh, yeah.
449
00:14:55,204 --> 00:14:56,270
Turn them into martyrs.
450
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,260
That's cool. And we'd play
music. We'd play music.
451
00:14:58,284 --> 00:15:00,870
Uh, "Highway to Hell". "Free Fallin'".
452
00:15:00,906 --> 00:15:02,466
"Free Fallin'". Come on, man. That's...
453
00:15:02,490 --> 00:15:03,671
You know what we could do?
454
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:06,180
We could lean into, like,
a-a haunted, a haunted house
455
00:15:06,210 --> 00:15:08,386
- kind of bar theme, like... you know?
- Oh, well, I'm loving that.
456
00:15:08,410 --> 00:15:09,686
- Yeah, that'd get my business back.
- You don't have business,
457
00:15:09,710 --> 00:15:11,350
- Cricket.
- You don't have business, guy.
458
00:15:11,390 --> 00:15:13,266
Basically, what we've concluded
is that it would actually
459
00:15:13,290 --> 00:15:15,250
be good for the bar if
this guy jumps and dies.
460
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:17,090
Yeah? So the answer to the question
461
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,560
of "should we get involved?"
is... is actually yes.
462
00:15:20,590 --> 00:15:22,360
- Huh? Why, though?
- Yeah, but-but
463
00:15:22,390 --> 00:15:24,376
if-if we stop him, that would be
bad for the bar, right, Dennis?
464
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,400
W-Well... No, that's not
what I'm saying, though.
465
00:15:26,430 --> 00:15:28,770
More importantly, that's not
what the algorithm is saying.
466
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,200
You see, we've already
established that this guy wants
467
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,400
to die and that it would
actually benefit our bar
468
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:34,610
if he dies.
469
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,540
Now, of course, from an
emotional standpoint,
470
00:15:36,570 --> 00:15:38,540
we feel as though we
should get involved,
471
00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:40,540
we feel as though we
should save this guy,
472
00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:42,250
but the algorithm is actually telling us
473
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,280
that that does not benefit anybody.
474
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:45,780
- Hmm.
- The algorithm is telling us,
475
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,890
mathematically, scientifically,
476
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:51,960
that this guy could die, wants to die,
477
00:15:51,990 --> 00:15:54,060
and that we should help him do it.
478
00:15:54,090 --> 00:15:55,630
That's just math.
479
00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:57,100
- Oh.
- Hmm.
480
00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:59,460
Well, it still feels a little weird,
481
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:02,930
but feelings are irrelevant
in the face of facts.
482
00:16:02,970 --> 00:16:04,340
- Yeah.
- Is that what I'm hearing?
483
00:16:04,370 --> 00:16:06,130
The feelings... feelings
just get in the way.
484
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,960
Now, but here's-here's
the only thing, though.
485
00:16:07,984 --> 00:16:10,440
Like, if we were gonna
do something like this,
486
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:11,640
- like...
- Mm-hmm?
487
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:12,960
...you know, how would we do it?
488
00:16:12,984 --> 00:16:15,150
Like, in the right way?
489
00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:17,301
Do we need to do another
algorithm to figure this out?
490
00:16:17,325 --> 00:16:17,850
Eh.
491
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:19,680
- Nah, I'll push him.
- Huh?
492
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,520
What's that?
493
00:16:21,550 --> 00:16:23,520
Yeah. I'll push him off the building.
494
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,360
I don't give a shit.
495
00:16:25,390 --> 00:16:27,431
This is such a difficult
situation for any parent.
496
00:16:27,456 --> 00:16:27,998
Yeah.
497
00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:30,660
If you could, would you like
to say anything to your son?
498
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,460
Oh, yeah. Look, you think
you can do whatever you want,
499
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:34,830
but what's mine is mine.
500
00:16:34,870 --> 00:16:36,470
You don't have a call.
501
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,600
If I want to bang it, I'm gonna bang it.
502
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,870
Not that I am banging it, but I could.
503
00:16:40,910 --> 00:16:43,270
And if it doesn't splatter to bits,
504
00:16:43,310 --> 00:16:44,880
I'm gonna bang it later.
505
00:16:44,910 --> 00:16:47,550
Because it's my property.
506
00:16:47,580 --> 00:16:50,780
And what I do with my
property is my business.
507
00:16:50,820 --> 00:16:52,500
- You got that?
- I-I'm sorry to interrupt,
508
00:16:52,524 --> 00:16:53,780
but we have breaking news.
509
00:16:53,820 --> 00:16:55,220
- Eh.
- I've gotten word
510
00:16:55,250 --> 00:16:57,220
- the jumper is coming down.
- Oh.
511
00:16:57,260 --> 00:17:00,060
I've been told he found out
his estranged father is here
512
00:17:00,090 --> 00:17:02,066
- and he wants to come down and talk.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's call...
513
00:17:02,090 --> 00:17:03,730
- He's calling me strange?
- Wait, wait...
514
00:17:03,754 --> 00:17:06,030
You don't know what
this sicko kid has done.
515
00:17:06,060 --> 00:17:07,870
Okay, Cricket, uh, here's a broom.
516
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:09,576
You probably sneak up there,
give him a little nudge,
517
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,280
and, uh, you know,
don't let anyone see you
518
00:17:11,304 --> 00:17:13,040
- commit the murder.
- Whoa, uh...
519
00:17:13,070 --> 00:17:15,310
Guys, can-can we just
not call it a murder?
520
00:17:15,340 --> 00:17:17,020
Let's try to think of
it more analytically,
521
00:17:17,044 --> 00:17:19,310
more mathematically.
It's sort of like a deletion.
522
00:17:19,340 --> 00:17:20,980
You know? Like hitting
Control-Alt-Delete.
523
00:17:21,004 --> 00:17:22,310
Bloop. He's in the trash.
524
00:17:22,350 --> 00:17:23,526
- Oh, that's all it is, right?
- I like that.
525
00:17:23,550 --> 00:17:24,670
- That works for me.
- Uh-oh.
526
00:17:24,695 --> 00:17:25,386
Blip. He's gone.
527
00:17:25,416 --> 00:17:27,750
Breaking news right now. Uh,
there's some clarification.
528
00:17:27,790 --> 00:17:30,920
The jumper did not jump. He
did not jump from the roof.
529
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,120
He is coming down the stairs.
530
00:17:32,144 --> 00:17:34,590
G... oh, dude, that's... What a gyp.
531
00:17:34,630 --> 00:17:36,760
- Yeah. Yeah.
- We were gonna... we had a good plan.
532
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:39,430
Can I say something, though?
I think this is for the best.
533
00:17:39,460 --> 00:17:41,100
Right.
534
00:17:41,130 --> 00:17:41,821
- You know what I mean?
- Probably.
535
00:17:41,846 --> 00:17:42,430
That's not the algorithm...
536
00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:44,110
- Right.
- Like, we were going down a road
537
00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:46,460
- I was not totally comfortable with.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
538
00:17:46,484 --> 00:17:48,540
You guys want to go back
to watching our show?
539
00:17:48,570 --> 00:17:49,726
- Let's get back to our show.
- Right?
540
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:50,110
The show.
541
00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:51,556
- All right.
- Why are we watching this stuff?
542
00:17:51,580 --> 00:17:52,686
- Okay. Yeah, okay.
- The guy didn't even jump.
543
00:17:52,710 --> 00:17:53,880
That's boring.
544
00:17:53,910 --> 00:17:55,710
Chet, what we are about to witness here
545
00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:59,120
is a father being reunited with
his son after a harrowing day.
546
00:17:59,150 --> 00:18:00,990
- Here he is now.
- Yeah. Hey...
547
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,260
This isn't my dad.
548
00:18:04,290 --> 00:18:05,360
That's not Dennis.
549
00:18:05,390 --> 00:18:07,860
I thought you said you were the dad.
550
00:18:07,890 --> 00:18:10,030
Not of this sad sack.
551
00:18:10,060 --> 00:18:12,430
I'm sorry, kid. Must've been a mix-up.
552
00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:15,370
I got distracted by the
reporter's bagonzas.
553
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,740
Speaking of melons, there's a casaba
554
00:18:17,770 --> 00:18:20,070
with my name on it in there.
555
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:23,570
Dear Anna, our time apart only
makes my heart grow fonder.
556
00:18:23,610 --> 00:18:25,910
- In the dead of night...
- Oh!
557
00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:27,780
Hey, you got our fish and chips?
558
00:18:27,810 --> 00:18:29,210
- Ate 'em.
- Uh...
559
00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:30,019
- You ate 'em?
- Wow.
560
00:18:30,044 --> 00:18:30,750
Hey, wait, wait.
561
00:18:30,780 --> 00:18:32,580
- Where's my melon? Where's my casaba?
- Oh...
562
00:18:32,610 --> 00:18:34,426
It's right here, man. Why do you
care so much about this thing?
563
00:18:34,450 --> 00:18:35,620
- What is the deal?
- Ah...
564
00:18:35,650 --> 00:18:37,390
Yeah, what is the deal with that?
565
00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:38,890
- Ugh.
- Oh.
566
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,082
- Ah...
- Oh, God.
567
00:18:40,107 --> 00:18:40,560
Ugh!
568
00:18:40,590 --> 00:18:44,300
It's where I stash my Maui Kush.
569
00:18:44,330 --> 00:18:46,630
- You hide your weed in a casaba melon?
- Yeah.
570
00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:48,430
In case the cops ransack the place,
571
00:18:48,470 --> 00:18:51,640
you got to find a good,
unsuspecting spot
572
00:18:51,670 --> 00:18:53,940
to stash your drugs.
573
00:18:53,970 --> 00:18:55,640
Pot's pretty much legal now.
574
00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:56,846
You don't really have
to stash it anywhere.
575
00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:58,470
I-I don't think you
have to hide it, man.
576
00:18:58,494 --> 00:19:00,140
When did that happen?
577
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:01,756
- Can you move?
- You're blocking our show, man.
578
00:19:01,780 --> 00:19:02,280
Yeah.
579
00:19:02,310 --> 00:19:03,460
- Come on, man.
- You're blocking the show.
580
00:19:03,484 --> 00:19:04,320
I didn't know that.
581
00:19:04,350 --> 00:19:05,280
What? You're still
watching that British show?
582
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,290
I mean, that's a bunch of crap.
583
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,850
- It stinks.
- Uh...
584
00:19:08,890 --> 00:19:10,290
Uh, well, no, actually,
585
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,460
the algorithm told us that we like it.
586
00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:14,360
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. And-and, um...
587
00:19:14,390 --> 00:19:15,990
- Yeah.
- I don't. You know what I mean?
588
00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:18,530
Like, I can't follow what
they're saying most of the time.
589
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,176
Thank you for saying that.
I find it very boring.
590
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,170
- Okay, now, I...
- It is boring, right?
591
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,640
I hate the plot because it's absurd.
592
00:19:22,664 --> 00:19:23,630
The plot is ridiculous.
593
00:19:23,670 --> 00:19:24,640
- Right? The scullery maid?
- And their teeth,
594
00:19:24,670 --> 00:19:26,140
I find them hard to look at.
595
00:19:26,170 --> 00:19:28,370
The teeth are a little bit of
a mess, but mathematically
596
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,576
- we're supposed to like the show.
- Uh, yeah,
597
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:30,710
I know, but mathematically
598
00:19:30,740 --> 00:19:32,220
we were supposed to kill a man today.
599
00:19:32,244 --> 00:19:33,840
Maybe that's, like, part of the problem
600
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,680
of, like, taking the
humanity out of decisions.
601
00:19:36,710 --> 00:19:38,450
Perhaps the science
just isn't there yet.
602
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:41,020
Hey! Where did we land on the casaba?
603
00:19:41,050 --> 00:19:43,331
I-I think you can eat it, man.
I think we're done with it.
604
00:19:43,355 --> 00:19:44,788
- Yeah, we're done.
- Yeah.
605
00:19:44,813 --> 00:19:45,561
Oh!
606
00:19:45,590 --> 00:19:47,890
- Yeah, baby.
- Eh.
607
00:19:47,930 --> 00:19:50,690
I wouldn't eat it, Cricks.
608
00:19:50,730 --> 00:19:53,400
It's full of loads.
609
00:19:54,524 --> 00:19:59,524
Sync & corrections by Costa Dax
www.addic7ed.com
610
00:20:41,090 --> 00:20:42,890
Thank you for joining the focus group.
611
00:20:42,930 --> 00:20:44,898
I just want to say thanks
to the suits back there
612
00:20:44,923 --> 00:20:46,560
for allowing us to be here.
613
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,230
He thinks that's a two-way mirror.
614
00:20:49,260 --> 00:20:52,070
Dee, did you just scale up
the side of the building?
615
00:20:52,095 --> 00:20:53,140
Free soloed!
616
00:20:53,170 --> 00:20:54,504
You gotta beef up security.
617
00:20:54,529 --> 00:20:57,294
You know how easy it was for
me to get in that window?
618
00:20:59,540 --> 00:21:02,240
What kind of people do you think
you're gonna attract with that?
619
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,080
Young bohemians with
no sexual boundaries.
620
00:21:06,180 --> 00:21:07,450
All-new "Sunny"
621
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,050
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.
622
00:21:16,530 --> 00:21:18,460
- Oh, my God!
- Ooh.
623
00:21:18,490 --> 00:21:20,430
Look at these hardwood floors!
624
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:31,940
- I'm cold.
- It's not cold. Just come to me.
625
00:21:31,970 --> 00:21:34,440
- I'll keep you warm, I promise.
- Fine.
626
00:21:38,210 --> 00:21:40,220
AHS 1984.
627
00:21:40,250 --> 00:21:42,690
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.