1
00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,004
[ Dee ]
What were you even doing
in that crawl space, Charlie?
2
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:07,573
[ Charlie ]
Well, for starters,
I was minding my own business.
3
00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:09,608
I was also trying to do
a little light reading.
4
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,377
Then I was putting
some cheese in the rat traps.
5
00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:12,644
You were putting the cheese
in the rat traps?
- Yes!
6
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:14,279
Can I smell your mouth?
- Why?
7
00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:15,581
You were eating
the cheese, weren't you,
out of the rat traps?
8
00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:16,615
No-- Well, yes.
9
00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:18,484
I was eating
the old cheese to test it,
10
00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:20,085
see why the rats
weren't eating it.
11
00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:22,588
Why are you always
doing such weird things?
- I do weird things?
12
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:24,423
Name another thing
that you think is weird!
13
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:27,393
Well, I caught you stealing
a bunch of coins out of
the fountain at Logan Circle.
14
00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:32,364
I was acquiring a little bit
of cash to pay my spy, Dee.
- Why do you have a spy?
15
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,933
To spy on the waitress!
Of course I have a spy!
- Is that normal to you?
16
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:37,236
Shut up and give me
my book back please!
- No!
17
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:39,071
Hey, guys.
What book you keep
going on about?
18
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,774
- It's nothing.
You don't need to see it.
- Oh, my God.
19
00:00:41,776 --> 00:00:45,711
Whoa. These are my--
These are my memoirs.
Charlie, you found my book.
20
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:49,281
I wrote a memoirs.
Hey, guys!
Charlie found my memoirs!
21
00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:52,117
- Your memoirs?
- I've been keeping track
of all my sexual exploits,
22
00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:56,188
and I was gonna unleash them
on the world in a fiery blaze
of eroticism.
23
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:59,425
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down a second, Dennis.
[ Chuckles ] You wrote a book?
24
00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:03,128
Well, it's more of
a tale of redemption told
through my erotic travels.
25
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:06,298
- Giddyap, man. That's amazing!
- That's good stuff, right?
Yeah.
26
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,068
But then one day
the book just sort of
went mysteriously missing.
27
00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:11,670
- Charlie, what the hell
were you doing with it?
- Well, since he can't read,
28
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,739
I'm guessing
he was masturbating
to your pictures.
29
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,741
God damn! Jackin' off to my--
- God, no!
30
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,910
That is not at all--
What are you doing to me?
31
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:20,045
Why are you doing this?
You've been riding me.
32
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,147
Now you're
accusing me of things.
You just don't get it.
33
00:01:22,149 --> 00:01:25,017
You don't know why I do
the things that I do.
It's nuts.
34
00:01:25,019 --> 00:01:27,486
You don't know
how hard I got it.
- Got it pretty tough?
35
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,088
Your life is pretty hard?
- I tell you what.
36
00:01:29,090 --> 00:01:30,389
How'd you like
to walk a mile in my shoes?
37
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:32,357
Try your old buddy Charlie
on for size.
38
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:35,327
You want me to walk a mile
in your shoes, 'cause I can't
handle your big, tough life?
39
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:37,296
- I will. That sounds fine
to me. I will do that.
40
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:38,730
Oh, my God! Shut up!
41
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:41,667
Dennis, what's the name
of this book?
Ah.
42
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:45,537
"Dennis Reynolds:
An Erotic Life."
43
00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:50,876
♪
44
00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:58,617
♪
45
00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:12,097
♪♪
46
00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:21,340
"I removed my robe
and stood before her,
47
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:25,210
"taut, nubile, proud.
48
00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:27,246
"She was much, much older
than me,
49
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:30,949
"but her breasts were awesome.
50
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:36,388
I felt reborn, baptized
in erotic majesty."
51
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,390
- Ooh!
- [ Laugh ]
Yeah!
52
00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,792
This is some sweet smut!
Yeah!
53
00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,928
I'm all boned-up over here.
- Me too.
54
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,796
Dennis, we should try
and sell this book.
55
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,098
Personal memoirs
are huge right now.
56
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:47,866
Yeah, yeah, no. I'm gonna
sell the book,
57
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,401
but I'm not gonna
let you guys be involved.
58
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,770
Because every time you're
involved you get all excited
about something,
59
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:54,239
and then you give up
the minute we hit
the first speed bump.
60
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:56,141
You need us, Dennis.
You're gonna need
some legal help.
61
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:57,809
Legal help?
62
00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:01,647
Bro, half the stories
you just read us
are total bullshit.
63
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,282
They're not bullshit.
What are you saying?
64
00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:07,019
Dennis, you were never
the personal sexual adviser
to Jon Bon Jovi.
65
00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:10,088
And you never woke up
in a rehab facility
with the wounds of Christ...
66
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:12,891
miraculously appearing
on your hands and feet.
67
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,960
Yeah, man, but I banged
that girl in the fountain.
68
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,795
That story was true--
the hot dogs, the oatmeal,
everything.
69
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:19,765
Dude, you don't want to end up
like that Million Little Pieces
guy. All right?
70
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:23,035
Oprah made him look
like a total dick.
Oh, that guy was a turd.
71
00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,637
I mean, come on.
Just take some
of those stories out.
72
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,639
No, see, Frank, he can't take
those stories out.
73
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,575
That's the rub.
That's why he needs us.
74
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:33,579
Because the public loves
those crazy celebrity stories
and rehab shit.
75
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:37,583
Okay, so what are you thinking?
I'm thinking we take some
of the really good stories--
76
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:42,221
you know, the Jon Bon Jovi,
the Christ-wound stigmatas--
and we re-create them.
77
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,590
We make them true
so that people can't prove
that they didn't happen.
78
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:48,427
Re-create some
of the better stories in here
and then we have proof.
79
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,329
Yes!
Holy shit, man.
That's a good idea.
80
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,932
Now, first things first.
We gotta figure out how
to get you in a rehab.
81
00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:59,171
Charlie, do I really
have to sleep here?
82
00:03:59,173 --> 00:04:01,039
If you're gonna
walk a mile in my shoes,
83
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:03,175
this is a pretty big part
of that mile,
don't you think?
84
00:04:03,177 --> 00:04:06,712
Now here. Put these on.
No. I don't want to wear one
of your dirty sleeping outfits.
85
00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:10,549
I'm sorry, but my "outfits,"
as you like to call them,
serve a very specific purpose.
86
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:14,019
This isn't just for fun.
I don't have any heating ducts
in this apartment.
87
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,821
It gets freezing in here
at night, all right?
88
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:19,424
Now, in case you have
to pee-pee, I got this
for you, all right?
89
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,527
Oh, my God!
Goddamn it! Frank was
supposed to empty that!
90
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:24,396
Charlie, no wonder
it reeks in here!
91
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:25,664
You have open cans
of pee everywhere!
92
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:30,202
But you do not
want to use that bathroom! Okay,
now eat one of these, all right?
93
00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:33,805
You're gonna wanna
huff a little glue
and drink some beer.
94
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,174
This is cat food, Charlie.
Well, Dee,
I can't explain it!
95
00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:38,076
There's some sort
of weird chemical reaction
that happens...
96
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:40,212
when you combine cat food,
beer and glue.
97
00:04:40,214 --> 00:04:43,282
It makes you feel
extremely sick and tired,
and you're able to fall asleep.
98
00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:45,450
Why would I want
to make myself
extremely sick and tired?
99
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,720
'Cause there's gonna be
about 50 cats howling outside
that window all night long,
100
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:51,256
and you have no idea
how loud 50 cats can be.
101
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,025
Maybe there wouldn't be cats
surrounding your building...
102
00:04:53,027 --> 00:04:54,760
if you didn't have open cans
of cat food everywhere!
103
00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,828
I have 50 cats howling
outside my window,
104
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,498
because I have 10,000 rats
running around my building!
105
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,400
Okay? I'm not an idiot!
Stop yelling.
You're spitting cat food on me.
106
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,902
There's a reason to do
the things that I-- Oh.
[ Stomach Rumbling ]
107
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,305
I don't feel good.
[ Cat Meows ]
108
00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:11,510
And it's starting right on time.
If I were you, I'd start
wolfin' that shit down.
109
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:14,046
I gotta go to sleep.
110
00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:16,581
Oh, I'm not
feeling good at all.
111
00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:24,056
[ Grunting ]
112
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:29,227
[ Cats Meowing ]
113
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:31,196
[ Stomachs Gurgling ]
114
00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:38,837
[ Loud Meowing ]
115
00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:47,879
[ Exhales Forcefully ]
116
00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:54,186
[ Man, Woman Arguing,
Indistinct ]
117
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,188
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
118
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:03,628
[ Man ]
♪ You cast a spell on me
I was blind but now I see ♪
119
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:05,664
♪♪ [ Fades ]
120
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:08,066
[ Grunting ]
121
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,203
[ Women Arguing, Indistinct ]
122
00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:26,918
Come play with us forever
and ever and ever...
123
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,721
and ever.
[ Screams ]
124
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:33,225
[ Urinating ]
Ocupado.
125
00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:35,427
[ Gasps ]
126
00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:39,931
Mmm. All gone. All gone.
[ Gags ]
127
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:49,074
Wake up! Let's go!
Time to start the day.
What?
128
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,476
Time to get up!
Charlie! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
129
00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:54,713
There's evil twins
in the hallway
and a twitching junkie--
130
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,948
What? How much of
that glue did you huff?
131
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:59,184
- I don't know.
As much as you did.
- As much as me?
132
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:02,821
Really? [ Chuckles ]
Well, that's probably
way too much glue for you, Dee.
133
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:05,290
Hey, check it out.
You just had yourself
a glue O.D.
134
00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:06,658
Those are pretty regular
in my life.
135
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:10,996
Don't do too much glue
or your night sucks.
Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.
136
00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:14,466
You're saying that your life
is so terrible because you eat
rat cheese and cat food...
137
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:17,135
and huff glue all day long?
Uh, yeah!
138
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,137
Those aren't real problems,
Charlie.
139
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,373
What do you mean,
they're not real problems?
You make those problems up!
140
00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:24,643
You choose to do that stuff!
Those are solutions
to problems!
141
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,412
Oh, my God.
You know what?
Hold on a second.
142
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:28,947
We're gonna turn the tables
here.
143
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,882
You're gonna walk
a mile in my shoes now,
144
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:34,653
and you're gonna see what it's
like to live in the real world
and have actual problems!
145
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,121
Okay. You got some glue
on your face though.
146
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:39,324
You might want
to wash that off.
Oh, goddamn it.
147
00:07:42,595 --> 00:07:44,062
Okay, plan is simple.
148
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,097
You're gonna hang out at
the rehab facility
for a couple of days...
149
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,900
while we get the ball
rolling with Bon Jovi.
Uh, yeah.
150
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,203
I gotta say I'm a little
skeptical about you guys...
151
00:07:51,205 --> 00:07:53,738
being able to get in touch
with Jon Bon Jovi.
152
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,341
What? What do you mean?
He's from New Jersey.
[ Fingers Snap ]
153
00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:58,710
Piece of cake.
Have a little faith
in us please.
154
00:07:58,712 --> 00:07:59,611
Plus, it's easy.
155
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,213
We just get you into
a room with him,
156
00:08:01,215 --> 00:08:02,747
snap a couple of photos,
we got proof.
157
00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:05,450
Bing, bang, boom. We're done.
Now, let's talk stigmatas.
That's it, huh?
158
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:06,384
Mmm.
Uh, right.
159
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,420
Do we have
to do the stigmatas?
160
00:08:08,422 --> 00:08:11,690
You know this publisher is gonna
have a fact checker, right?
Yeah.
161
00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:14,326
You don't want to end up like
the Million Little Pieces guy,
do you?
162
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:16,895
I brought a nail gun.
Oh, is that
what that is?
163
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,897
Yeah.
No, no. Look, you're not
gonna shoot nails in me.
164
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:22,767
No. I think a couple
of severe burns from the cigar
is what's gonna do the trick.
165
00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:24,202
What?
No, you need
deep wounds.
166
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,837
No, wait.
This'll give you
deep wounds.
167
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,439
Hold on a second! No!
I can get these
pretty deep.
168
00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:30,008
Nobody's gonna burn me
or shoot me full of nails!
Dennis, calm down!
169
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,710
You focus on your art,
okay?
170
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:34,346
Frank and I will handle
all the business end of things.
Hang on a second.
171
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:37,983
If you guys really
want to do the stigmata--
172
00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:40,585
Okay. Good work, Frank.
173
00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:42,654
I think we should just probably
leave the body right here.
174
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,689
Yeah, we can leave him here.
In the morning they'll
come out and find him.
175
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,191
All right,
give me his hands.
Yo.
176
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,563
[ Man ]
I don't go to a therapist.
I just go to bars.
177
00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:54,399
If you walk up to
the nearest drunk guy
and bump him from behind,
178
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:57,302
he always turns around
and goes, "Hey, man.
What's your problem?"
179
00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,472
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Chuckles ]
This guy is great.
180
00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:02,807
Do you come here every night?
Every night, huh?
This is great.
181
00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:05,944
Hey, do they have food too?
'Cause I could go for some food.
No, no. No food.
182
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,846
I don't eat
while I'm here.
When do you eat?
183
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:11,082
I don't.
Why don't you eat dinner, Dee?
You gotta eat dinner sometime.
184
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,418
Because when you perform
your nerves make you
dry heave,
185
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:16,621
and you better hope you don't
have any food in your stomach.
You're gonna perform?
186
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:21,126
All right. Now, this next lady
y'all know, because she's here
almost every night.
187
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:23,595
Let's hope she's got
some new jokes this time.
188
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:28,300
Everybody put your hands
together for Deandra Reynolds!
189
00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:31,970
[ Applause Smattering ]
190
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:36,007
Howdy, howdy, howdy.
How's everybody doing tonight?
[ Chuckles Weakly ]
191
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:41,947
So, you guys,
what's the deal with
those hands-free headsets...
192
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:45,517
that everybody's wearing
in their ears, right?
[ Gags ]
193
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:53,325
It's like, "Hey, everybody,
look at me! I'm one part robot
and three parts asshole!"
194
00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:57,062
[ Gagging ]
[ Man ]
Jesus Christ!
195
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:03,935
[ Exhales Heavily ]
I mean, am I right, or am I--
[ Gags, Coughs ] Screw it!
196
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,904
[ Applause Smattering ]
197
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:10,241
Wow. Well, at least it was
short and dry this time.
198
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:14,512
[ Laughing ]
Dee, what are you doing to
yourself? That is terrible.
199
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:17,182
Why would you do that?
You just gotta put in
your dues, you know?
200
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:19,217
You gotta take it one step at
a time when you want to be an
actor.
201
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:25,090
What? This is about being
an actor? Why in God's name are
you still trying to be an actor?
202
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:28,259
Okay, we all have our hopes
and dreams. You're still trying
to get with the waitress.
203
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,829
I'm still trying to act.
We just do whatever
we need to do.
204
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:34,165
Oh, is it funny? You better get
ready, guy, 'cause you're next.
Huh?
205
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:37,502
Let's hear it
for a newcomer here tonight,
Mr. Charlie Kelly!
206
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,575
So, you guys,
you ever eat cheese?
Cheese is a funny thing.
207
00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:46,077
Cheese is a strange thing.
I always wonder, like,
what is cheese?
208
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,179
Where does it--
[ Gagging ]
209
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:55,754
We gotta figure out
how to get you into rehab.
210
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:58,089
Let's talk stigmatas.
211
00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:00,925
You need
deep wounds.
No, no, wait.
212
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,461
[ Mac ]
Rehab-- Rehab--
213
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:05,530
Yo, punk.
214
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,599
Wake up, punk.
215
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,901
Yo, punk!
Ow!
216
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:13,471
Wake up!
What the hell?
217
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,373
Yeah, you in hell,
all right!
What?
218
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,543
You know what?
My name is Sinbad!
This Sinbad's house!
219
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:21,446
When you're in Sinbad house,
you're my bitch!
Listen--
220
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,581
[ Sniffs ]
Yeah, you know who that is?
221
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:27,752
Huh? That's Rob Thomas.
Matchbox 20! Sing a song.
222
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:29,387
Uh--
Shut up!
223
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:32,323
Matchbox 20? Eww!
224
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,592
You the man, huh?
You gonna punk him like that?
No, no!
225
00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:37,962
Matterof fact, unleash the fury.
Get his shoe!
What?
226
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:40,565
Beat his testicles!
Beat his testicles!
No, no, no! Don't beat!
227
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,802
Don't, don't, don't, don't!
Come on. Rob Thomas
and Si-- Sinbad.
228
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:46,705
Uh, look, man.
I'm pretty confused
about what I'm seeing here.
229
00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:49,340
And I'm in a lot of pain.
Just tell me what's going on.
230
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:52,243
It's the pain, huh?
My bad. I didn't know
you was hurting like that.
231
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:55,046
My bad. 'Cause I've hurt
before. You've hurt before.
We all hurt.
232
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,949
So I'm gonna just break it down
now. Introduce myself right.
That was wrong.
233
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:02,320
I'm Sinbad. There's my
head shot. Autograph for you
a little later on.
234
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:05,256
And this is Sinbad's house.
[ Shouting ]
And you're my bitch!
235
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,058
I'm gonna
show you how--
[ Door Opens ]
236
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,128
- Everything okay in here?
- Hey, what's up, Jerome? Man,
he keep throwin' his shoe.
237
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:13,598
- He crazy.
- Let's go. Everybody should
be in bed with the lights off.
238
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,835
We're tryin' to go to sleep.
He keep throwin' shoes at us.
239
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:20,038
You're about to get me
jacked up, man! Is that
what you're tryin' to do?
240
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,440
Shut up!
Man, I'll poke your eye out!
241
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:26,578
See this?
This one on you,
and this one on Rob Thomas.
242
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:29,280
I own both y'all!
243
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:31,583
Watch your ass, new meat.
244
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,793
All righty then.
See you soon. Bye-bye.
[ Chuckling ]
245
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:46,397
- Hey, dude.
- I just made a date with that
girlie rock star's people.
246
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:49,000
- Bon Jovi? Oh!
- Yeah. He owns
the Philadelphia Soul--
247
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,535
the arena football team.
248
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:53,204
- I just offered to buy it.
- Awesome!
249
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,206
All right, I'm gonna pretend
that I have terminal cancer...
250
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,375
and get him to do
an acoustic set on my deathbed.
251
00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:59,644
Wait. Why would you do that?
You don't have to do that.
252
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:03,281
No, it's great, bro. Rock stars
do the cancer-kid thing
all the time. Look, Frank!
253
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,617
No!
You got us into a room
with Jovi's people, right?
254
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,820
I'm gonna get us into a room
with Jovi himself!
I'm sorry! That's a stupid idea.
255
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,823
I don't want you to do it.
I already got a bald-cap guy
and everything.
256
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:13,424
You're just
confusing everything!
257
00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:15,527
There's nothing confusing
about it, Frank!
It's very, very simple!
258
00:13:15,529 --> 00:13:18,797
Shut up!
Shut your big mouth
right now!
259
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:24,169
I will put my foot down
right now! You are not going
in there with that cancer thing!
260
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:27,071
I don't care what you say!
So get it out of your head!
261
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:30,909
Okay. Jesus, dude.
I won't do the cancer thing.
262
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:33,077
Relax.
263
00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:37,949
So, Mr. Reynolds,
you're interested in buying
our arena football team.
264
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:43,288
Big time!
But I want to do business
with Mr. Von Joni himself.
265
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:48,359
Bon Jovi?
Yeah!
Mr. Bovine Joni himself.
266
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:51,262
I'm offering $40 million
for the team.
267
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:54,432
Wow. Well, that is
a very generous offer.
268
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:58,603
But I must admit I'm a little
bit confused about one thing.
269
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:01,406
What's confusing
about 40 million?
That's a shitload of money.
270
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:07,212
It is. It is. I'm a little
confused as to why you've chosen
to involve this gentleman here.
271
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:11,249
Uh-- [ Sighs ]
Well, if I may, I'd like to
explain to you why I'm here.
272
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,852
Uh, ma'am, I am dying
of very terminal cancer,
273
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:17,822
and I would like to request
a private bedside concert
from Mr. Bon Jovi.
274
00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:20,325
Ahh.
Now, Sambora's presence
is not necessary.
275
00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:24,162
But it would be nice if
he was involved. Question:
Is this a laser pointer?
276
00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:25,496
Yes.
Can I have it?
277
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,699
No.
I'm gonna take it anyway.
278
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,134
Please don't listen
to anything he says.
No, no. No, Frank.
279
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:33,538
I'll give you $60 million
for the team.
Frank, you-- I got it.
280
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,441
We're talking
about cancer.
We're negotiating!
281
00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:39,010
You're not negotiating shit.
We're onto
the cancer thing now.
282
00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:41,112
That is the way that
it's gonna go from here.
283
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:45,350
Okay. I'm just gonna
throw this out there.
I don't think you have cancer.
284
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:49,153
What? What are you
talking about? No, that's chemo.
That's chemotherapy right there.
285
00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:53,258
And for the record,
when you go through chemo,
your beard hair falls out too.
286
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,126
Are you sure?
I asked a lot of people!
287
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:58,263
I asked my bald-cap guy!
I told you not to do
the cancer thing!
288
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:02,100
But it was working until you got
in with the bullshit numbers!
Goddamn it!
289
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:06,204
You know, I'm not even
really bald. I have a full
head of hair. Not like him.
290
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:13,845
Not only do I consider it
magnificent, I have a sneaking
suspicion it's pretty good.
291
00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:16,047
[ Slurping ]
Hey!
292
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:19,150
On his eyes.
Shine it on his dick.
Shine it on his dick!
293
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,753
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [ Laughing ]
294
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,888
Look at his dick!
♪♪ [ Cell Phone Ring Tone:
Country ]
295
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:27,091
Oh, that's me. That's my phone.
My phone is ringing.
Sorry, that's me.
296
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,093
Hey, dude.
Where you been?
297
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,663
I'm in rehab, dude!
Oh, yeah.
298
00:15:31,665 --> 00:15:33,598
Hey, that whole Jovi
thing went south,
299
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,067
so I think we're just gonna
scrap the whole book ordeal.
[ Slurping ]
300
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,869
- What are you talking about?
- [ Beeping ]
301
00:15:37,871 --> 00:15:40,238
I got another call, buddy.
No, no!
No, don't--
302
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,141
Hello?
[ Man ]
Bill, what's happening?
303
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,043
Who are you
looking for?
Bill. Who's this?
304
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,812
Oh, this is Mac.
You got the wrong number.
Oh, my bad.
305
00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:49,981
Yeah. No problem.
What number were you
trying to call?
306
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:52,617
- Shh!
- ♪♪ [ Cell Phone Ring Tone:
Disco ]
307
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,819
- Hello?
- Frank, you gotta
get me outta here, man!
308
00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:57,689
Where are you?
I'm in rehab,
goddamn it!
309
00:15:57,691 --> 00:15:59,924
Well, I'm in a movie,
and this broad's about
to get naked.
310
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,193
So I gotta go.
No, no, no!
Yeah. No, that's okay.
311
00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:07,131
Yeah, I thought
it was some chick.
Who are you talking to?
312
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,733
I'm talking to Bill.
And anyway, so--
313
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,601
No, I'm not Bill.
I'm Terry.
Bill?
314
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:13,705
I'm sorry. No, it's Terry.
Sorry about that, Terry. Anyway,
these cat people hated me--
315
00:16:13,707 --> 00:16:16,407
Terry? What number did he want?
'cause I kept calling
them over and over.
316
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,176
Will you please shut up!
[ Terry ]
Who's that?
317
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:21,346
I got some dick in
a movie theater giving me shit.
Why you turn around like that?
318
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:23,348
Yeah. Nice talking
to you. All right.
Call me back.
319
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,316
I'll talk to
you afterwards. Bye.
[ Muttering ]
320
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,285
Give me
the laser pointer.
What a jerk.
321
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:31,656
I know. Watch this. I'm gonna
do it on the back of his head.
[ Chuckling ]
322
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,459
Bro, you wore
the battery down.
Oh.
323
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:38,596
Well, how am I supposed
to use it now?
'Cause you-- Jerk!
324
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,698
I'm a jerk?
Yeah.
You're a jerk.
325
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,701
You're walking around with
that bald cap on all day,
and I'm a jerk.
326
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:47,105
It was expensive. I'm sorry.
I want to get my money's worth.
You're talking to a guy--
327
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:50,675
Will you please be quiet?
Who talks like this in
the middle of a movie theater?
328
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:54,612
Hey. Hey, you don't know
how hard I got it, pal.
329
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:58,349
You don't know
how tough it is bein' me.
What?
330
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:03,755
It's not that tough to be you,
Frank. What is so difficult
about your life?
331
00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:07,925
Yeah, try walkin' a mile
in my shoes once in a while
and then talk to me.
332
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:11,529
[ Man In Film ]
Would you allow me
to show you my--
333
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:15,433
[ Thinking ]
Our eyes locked,
our hands touched,
334
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,735
and she whispered in my ear,
335
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:21,572
"Dude, your balls
totally rule."
[ Door Opens ]
336
00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:23,708
[ Sinbad ]
What the hell you think
you doing, man?
337
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:27,278
I heard about this shit!
It's gonna stop!
Take his book, Rob!
338
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,113
Whoa, whoa, wait!
[ Yelping ]
339
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,416
Come on. I was just
in the middle of some
really erotic stuff.
340
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:34,685
Yeah, I heard about that shit.
You trying to write memoirs
and erotic shit.
341
00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,255
Know what?
You don't write it, bitch!
I'll write it!
342
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:41,592
What is your problem, Sinbad?
Think you Jesus?
You think you Jesus?
343
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:45,396
Ain't no Jesus here
'cept me! I'm Jesus!
344
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,832
What the hell, man?
You stole my thing!
345
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:51,135
No, no. My thing is bigger.
Rule of the land.
Big is my thing now.
346
00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:54,972
Took it. Bam! Mine!
Fine. But what does Rob Thomas
have to do with any of this?
347
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:57,608
You know Rob-- You know what
he's got to do with it?
348
00:17:57,610 --> 00:18:00,945
He do whatever I tell him do,
because he's my bitch, bitch!
349
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,714
Let's get out of here.
We're gonna read some smut.
Come on, man.
350
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,751
Shut up. Give it to him.
Give it-- No, I'm playing!
[ Laughs ]
351
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:10,488
[ Door Closes ]
I gotta get outta here.
352
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:16,160
This is my day,
and this is where I come
at the end of the day...
353
00:18:16,162 --> 00:18:17,695
before I head off to Paddy's.
354
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,997
Why do you come to the fountain?
The fountain's my thing.
355
00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:22,233
Well, I'll tell you why
I come to the fountain.
356
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:25,870
I come here every single day
to throw money into this thing
to wish for a better life.
357
00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:28,706
Money that you
apparently steal for spies!
358
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:31,175
Okay, so essentially, Charlie,
you're stealing my dreams!
359
00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:34,445
- If you don't mind, I'm gonna
get those dreams back now.
- No, those are my spy coins.
360
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,981
That's my money anyway!
You can't have that!
How is that your money?
361
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:39,984
It's itchy. This is what I
gotta go through to get laid.
Frank, shut up!
362
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,220
You're just pissed off,
'cause I pull it off
better than you.
363
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,055
You don't pull it off
better than anything.
364
00:18:44,057 --> 00:18:48,259
You better not lose your hair,
'cause you're an ugly bald man.
Not as ugly as you, bitch.
365
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:50,161
Ah!
What are we doing here?
366
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:54,665
This is the time of day
when I come to the fountain.
Why?
367
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,235
When I was a kid
I used to swim in this fountain.
368
00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,403
A bunch of bullies
kicked me out.
369
00:18:59,405 --> 00:19:04,642
So I wait until this
time of day and come back
and piss in the fountain.
370
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,778
I've been pissin'
in the fountain
for 50 years.
371
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:11,382
Well, why are you
still pissing in it?
To get back at their kids!
372
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:14,852
-Greedy, greedy! Greedy Dee!
-You can't have a good life
without your dreams!
373
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:18,356
Is that Dee and Charlie?
Hey, guys, what are you doing?
What the hell?
374
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:22,593
These are my dreams!
They mean something to me!
It's anyone's coins!
375
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:25,563
Yo, Charlie and Dee!
Yo, Charlie and Dee!
[ Shouting, Arguing ]
376
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,598
Deandra!
What are you doing?
Dee!
377
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:31,869
I'm taking my dreams back!
What are you guys doing?
378
00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:34,672
Frank's gonna piss
in the fountain.
I do it every day.
379
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:37,008
Hey, I like
your haircut, man.
What's going on up here?
380
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,243
You can't tell.
Charlie, it's a bald cap.
381
00:19:39,245 --> 00:19:41,812
It's not even real!
You can't tell, huh?
Oh, my God!
382
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,981
[ Charlie ] That's awesome!
[ Dee ]
No, you can you can tell.
383
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:47,585
- [ Charlie ] You say you were
gonna piss in the fountain?
- You're in it.
384
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:50,154
Hey, Dennis!
What's up, buddy?
Come here!
385
00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:51,689
What you doing?
Hey, guys.
386
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,358
Huh?
I use this fountain
for its healing powers.
387
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:57,595
Plus, it does wonders for my
skin. [ Gibberish ] But that's
not important right now!
388
00:19:57,597 --> 00:20:01,599
- You're not gonna believe this.
Sinbad was trying to kill me!
- What?
389
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:05,469
Yeah, Sinbad the comedian.
He was in the rehab center.
He was trying to kill me.
390
00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:08,639
And then Rob Thomas,
the lead singer of Matchbox 20?
He was in there too.
391
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:12,109
- Is any of that making sense?
- No.
392
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:16,647
Uh, time-time out, time
out, time out. Did you
or did you not meet Sinbad?
393
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,083
Yeah. I met Sinbad. But--
Can you prove
that stuff?
394
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,219
Oh, yeah.
This happened just moments ago!
395
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:23,154
Boom!
Memoir's back on.
Me!
396
00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:26,090
Rob Thomas is a douche bag, but
the public eats that shit up!
Yeah!
397
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,326
The memoirs thing is done!
We gotta go back
to that rehab.
398
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:30,595
No, no!
We can't go back there!
That's too dangerous!
399
00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:33,664
No, we have to prove it.
We gotta take photos.
We have to sign documents.
400
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:37,935
- Dude, I'm a huge Sinbad fan!
- Sinbad is not the man
that you think he is, Charlie!
401
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:40,538
We'll take care of you.
We'll watch your back.
I am not going back!
402
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:43,241
I'd like to meet him.
I hope he's wearing something
made out of windbreaker.
403
00:20:44,943 --> 00:20:47,311
Okay, guys. This is it.
[ Mac ]
What the hell is this?
404
00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:52,617
It's the rehab center.
That's not the rehab center.
That's the rehab center.
405
00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:55,453
Well, this is where
they brought me after
you guys dropped me off.
406
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:58,222
Everybody, you gotta
stay close to me, okay?
You have to protect me,
407
00:20:58,224 --> 00:21:01,058
because like most comedians
Sinbad is very angry
on the inside.
408
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:05,196
Come on. Come on!
Do you think he'll, like,
autograph my shirt? Or, like--
409
00:21:05,198 --> 00:21:08,933
He will autograph your face
until it is bloody to a pulp.
Now come on!
410
00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:13,170
So, like--
like what is this place, dude?
[ Door Closes ]
411
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:16,407
Hey!
Oh, hell, no!
412
00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:18,476
We told you not
to come back here,
freak!
413
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:20,144
Wh-Where's Sinbad?
414
00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:24,115
Oh, you call me Sinbad
one more time,
I'm gonna knock you out.
415
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:27,018
- What the hell
is going on here?
- This dude broke in here,
416
00:21:27,020 --> 00:21:30,588
and has been running around
ranting and raving
about memoirs and Sinbad!
417
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:33,424
So--
So you lied to us,
Dennis?
418
00:21:33,426 --> 00:21:36,227
No, I didn't lie.
No, I swear to God.
This was all real.
419
00:21:36,229 --> 00:21:39,497
- Sinbad was here, I swear!
- That's it.
I'm calling the cops.
420
00:21:39,499 --> 00:21:41,365
You thought that
dude was Sinbad.
This guy?
421
00:21:41,367 --> 00:21:43,067
Maybe that blow to the head
did a little more damage
than we thought.
422
00:21:43,069 --> 00:21:45,169
That's not Sinbad, dude!
I know that's
not Sinbad!
423
00:21:45,171 --> 00:21:47,505
Is this some sort
of sick fantasy?
No, it's not a fantasy!
424
00:21:47,507 --> 00:21:50,474
I didn't make it up!
Sinbad was here! I swear!
Well, guess what, guy?
425
00:21:50,476 --> 00:21:54,912
The memoir is dead again!
I can't believe
you didn't meet Sinbad!
426
00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:57,315
Do you even realize how excited
I was to meet Sinbad!
427
00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:59,417
Sinbad's a hilarious comedian.
Goddamn it.
Son of a bitch.
428
00:21:59,419 --> 00:22:01,319
That guy is like some dude
in green pants.
429
00:22:01,321 --> 00:22:04,055
I don't even see how
this could be happening.
It all seemed so real.
430
00:22:04,057 --> 00:22:06,657
[ Door Closes ]
I need to see a doctor.
431
00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:11,028
Psst.
No, you don't, bitch!
432
00:22:12,230 --> 00:22:14,765
- Wake up! Yeah,
you in hell all right!
- Ow!
433
00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:17,501
- Oh, what the hell, man?
- Hell, no!
434
00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:19,570
You call me Sinbad
one more time--
435
00:22:24,576 --> 00:22:26,844
Yeah. I should definitely
see a doctor.
436
00:23:05,784 --> 00:23:08,886
[ Voices Speaking Backwards ]