1 00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,004 [ Dee ] What were you even doing in that crawl space, Charlie? 2 00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:07,573 [ Charlie ] Well, for starters, I was minding my own business. 3 00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:09,608 I was also trying to do a little light reading. 4 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,377 Then I was putting some cheese in the rat traps. 5 00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:12,644 You were putting the cheese in the rat traps? - Yes! 6 00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:14,279 Can I smell your mouth? - Why? 7 00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:15,581 You were eating the cheese, weren't you, out of the rat traps? 8 00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:16,615 No-- Well, yes. 9 00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:18,484 I was eating the old cheese to test it, 10 00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:20,085 see why the rats weren't eating it. 11 00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:22,588 Why are you always doing such weird things? - I do weird things? 12 00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:24,423 Name another thing that you think is weird! 13 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:27,393 Well, I caught you stealing a bunch of coins out of the fountain at Logan Circle. 14 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:32,364 I was acquiring a little bit of cash to pay my spy, Dee. - Why do you have a spy? 15 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,933 To spy on the waitress! Of course I have a spy! - Is that normal to you? 16 00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:37,236 Shut up and give me my book back please! - No! 17 00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:39,071 Hey, guys. What book you keep going on about? 18 00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,774 - It's nothing. You don't need to see it. - Oh, my God. 19 00:00:41,776 --> 00:00:45,711 Whoa. These are my-- These are my memoirs. Charlie, you found my book. 20 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:49,281 I wrote a memoirs. Hey, guys! Charlie found my memoirs! 21 00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:52,117 - Your memoirs? - I've been keeping track of all my sexual exploits, 22 00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:56,188 and I was gonna unleash them on the world in a fiery blaze of eroticism. 23 00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:59,425 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down a second, Dennis. [ Chuckles ] You wrote a book? 24 00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:03,128 Well, it's more of a tale of redemption told through my erotic travels. 25 00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:06,298 - Giddyap, man. That's amazing! - That's good stuff, right? Yeah. 26 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,068 But then one day the book just sort of went mysteriously missing. 27 00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:11,670 - Charlie, what the hell were you doing with it? - Well, since he can't read, 28 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,739 I'm guessing he was masturbating to your pictures. 29 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,741 God damn! Jackin' off to my-- - God, no! 30 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,910 That is not at all-- What are you doing to me? 31 00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:20,045 Why are you doing this? You've been riding me. 32 00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,147 Now you're accusing me of things. You just don't get it. 33 00:01:22,149 --> 00:01:25,017 You don't know why I do the things that I do. It's nuts. 34 00:01:25,019 --> 00:01:27,486 You don't know how hard I got it. - Got it pretty tough? 35 00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,088 Your life is pretty hard? - I tell you what. 36 00:01:29,090 --> 00:01:30,389 How'd you like to walk a mile in my shoes? 37 00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:32,357 Try your old buddy Charlie on for size. 38 00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:35,327 You want me to walk a mile in your shoes, 'cause I can't handle your big, tough life? 39 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:37,296 - I will. That sounds fine to me. I will do that. 40 00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:38,730 Oh, my God! Shut up! 41 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:41,667 Dennis, what's the name of this book? Ah. 42 00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:45,537 "Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life." 43 00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:50,876 ♪ 44 00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:58,617 ♪ 45 00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:12,097 ♪♪ 46 00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:21,340 "I removed my robe and stood before her, 47 00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:25,210 "taut, nubile, proud. 48 00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:27,246 "She was much, much older than me, 49 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:30,949 "but her breasts were awesome. 50 00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:36,388 I felt reborn, baptized in erotic majesty." 51 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,390 - Ooh! - [ Laugh ] Yeah! 52 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,792 This is some sweet smut! Yeah! 53 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,928 I'm all boned-up over here. - Me too. 54 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,796 Dennis, we should try and sell this book. 55 00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,098 Personal memoirs are huge right now. 56 00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:47,866 Yeah, yeah, no. I'm gonna sell the book, 57 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,401 but I'm not gonna let you guys be involved. 58 00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,770 Because every time you're involved you get all excited about something, 59 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:54,239 and then you give up the minute we hit the first speed bump. 60 00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:56,141 You need us, Dennis. You're gonna need some legal help. 61 00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:57,809 Legal help? 62 00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:01,647 Bro, half the stories you just read us are total bullshit. 63 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,282 They're not bullshit. What are you saying? 64 00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:07,019 Dennis, you were never the personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi. 65 00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:10,088 And you never woke up in a rehab facility with the wounds of Christ... 66 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:12,891 miraculously appearing on your hands and feet. 67 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,960 Yeah, man, but I banged that girl in the fountain. 68 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,795 That story was true-- the hot dogs, the oatmeal, everything. 69 00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:19,765 Dude, you don't want to end up like that Million Little Pieces guy. All right? 70 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:23,035 Oprah made him look like a total dick. Oh, that guy was a turd. 71 00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,637 I mean, come on. Just take some of those stories out. 72 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,639 No, see, Frank, he can't take those stories out. 73 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,575 That's the rub. That's why he needs us. 74 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:33,579 Because the public loves those crazy celebrity stories and rehab shit. 75 00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:37,583 Okay, so what are you thinking? I'm thinking we take some of the really good stories-- 76 00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:42,221 you know, the Jon Bon Jovi, the Christ-wound stigmatas-- and we re-create them. 77 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,590 We make them true so that people can't prove that they didn't happen. 78 00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:48,427 Re-create some of the better stories in here and then we have proof. 79 00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,329 Yes! Holy shit, man. That's a good idea. 80 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,932 Now, first things first. We gotta figure out how to get you in a rehab. 81 00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:59,171 Charlie, do I really have to sleep here? 82 00:03:59,173 --> 00:04:01,039 If you're gonna walk a mile in my shoes, 83 00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:03,175 this is a pretty big part of that mile, don't you think? 84 00:04:03,177 --> 00:04:06,712 Now here. Put these on. No. I don't want to wear one of your dirty sleeping outfits. 85 00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:10,549 I'm sorry, but my "outfits," as you like to call them, serve a very specific purpose. 86 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:14,019 This isn't just for fun. I don't have any heating ducts in this apartment. 87 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,821 It gets freezing in here at night, all right? 88 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:19,424 Now, in case you have to pee-pee, I got this for you, all right? 89 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,527 Oh, my God! Goddamn it! Frank was supposed to empty that! 90 00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:24,396 Charlie, no wonder it reeks in here! 91 00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:25,664 You have open cans of pee everywhere! 92 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:30,202 But you do not want to use that bathroom! Okay, now eat one of these, all right? 93 00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:33,805 You're gonna wanna huff a little glue and drink some beer. 94 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,174 This is cat food, Charlie. Well, Dee, I can't explain it! 95 00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:38,076 There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens... 96 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:40,212 when you combine cat food, beer and glue. 97 00:04:40,214 --> 00:04:43,282 It makes you feel extremely sick and tired, and you're able to fall asleep. 98 00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:45,450 Why would I want to make myself extremely sick and tired? 99 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,720 'Cause there's gonna be about 50 cats howling outside that window all night long, 100 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:51,256 and you have no idea how loud 50 cats can be. 101 00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,025 Maybe there wouldn't be cats surrounding your building... 102 00:04:53,027 --> 00:04:54,760 if you didn't have open cans of cat food everywhere! 103 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,828 I have 50 cats howling outside my window, 104 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,498 because I have 10,000 rats running around my building! 105 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,400 Okay? I'm not an idiot! Stop yelling. You're spitting cat food on me. 106 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,902 There's a reason to do the things that I-- Oh. [ Stomach Rumbling ] 107 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,305 I don't feel good. [ Cat Meows ] 108 00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:11,510 And it's starting right on time. If I were you, I'd start wolfin' that shit down. 109 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:14,046 I gotta go to sleep. 110 00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:16,581 Oh, I'm not feeling good at all. 111 00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:24,056 [ Grunting ] 112 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:29,227 [ Cats Meowing ] 113 00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:31,196 [ Stomachs Gurgling ] 114 00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:38,837 [ Loud Meowing ] 115 00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:47,879 [ Exhales Forcefully ] 116 00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:54,186 [ Man, Woman Arguing, Indistinct ] 117 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,188 Mmm. Mm-hmm. 118 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:03,628 [ Man ] ♪ You cast a spell on me I was blind but now I see ♪ 119 00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:05,664 ♪♪ [ Fades ] 120 00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:08,066 [ Grunting ] 121 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,203 [ Women Arguing, Indistinct ] 122 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:26,918 Come play with us forever and ever and ever... 123 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,721 and ever. [ Screams ] 124 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:33,225 [ Urinating ] Ocupado. 125 00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:35,427 [ Gasps ] 126 00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:39,931 Mmm. All gone. All gone. [ Gags ] 127 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:49,074 Wake up! Let's go! Time to start the day. What? 128 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,476 Time to get up! Charlie! Oh, God! Oh, God! 129 00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:54,713 There's evil twins in the hallway and a twitching junkie-- 130 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,948 What? How much of that glue did you huff? 131 00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:59,184 - I don't know. As much as you did. - As much as me? 132 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:02,821 Really? [ Chuckles ] Well, that's probably way too much glue for you, Dee. 133 00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:05,290 Hey, check it out. You just had yourself a glue O.D. 134 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:06,658 Those are pretty regular in my life. 135 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:10,996 Don't do too much glue or your night sucks. Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. 136 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:14,466 You're saying that your life is so terrible because you eat rat cheese and cat food... 137 00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:17,135 and huff glue all day long? Uh, yeah! 138 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,137 Those aren't real problems, Charlie. 139 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,373 What do you mean, they're not real problems? You make those problems up! 140 00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:24,643 You choose to do that stuff! Those are solutions to problems! 141 00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,412 Oh, my God. You know what? Hold on a second. 142 00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:28,947 We're gonna turn the tables here. 143 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,882 You're gonna walk a mile in my shoes now, 144 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:34,653 and you're gonna see what it's like to live in the real world and have actual problems! 145 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,121 Okay. You got some glue on your face though. 146 00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:39,324 You might want to wash that off. Oh, goddamn it. 147 00:07:42,595 --> 00:07:44,062 Okay, plan is simple. 148 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,097 You're gonna hang out at the rehab facility for a couple of days... 149 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,900 while we get the ball rolling with Bon Jovi. Uh, yeah. 150 00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,203 I gotta say I'm a little skeptical about you guys... 151 00:07:51,205 --> 00:07:53,738 being able to get in touch with Jon Bon Jovi. 152 00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,341 What? What do you mean? He's from New Jersey. [ Fingers Snap ] 153 00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:58,710 Piece of cake. Have a little faith in us please. 154 00:07:58,712 --> 00:07:59,611 Plus, it's easy. 155 00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,213 We just get you into a room with him, 156 00:08:01,215 --> 00:08:02,747 snap a couple of photos, we got proof. 157 00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:05,450 Bing, bang, boom. We're done. Now, let's talk stigmatas. That's it, huh? 158 00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:06,384 Mmm. Uh, right. 159 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,420 Do we have to do the stigmatas? 160 00:08:08,422 --> 00:08:11,690 You know this publisher is gonna have a fact checker, right? Yeah. 161 00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:14,326 You don't want to end up like the Million Little Pieces guy, do you? 162 00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:16,895 I brought a nail gun. Oh, is that what that is? 163 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,897 Yeah. No, no. Look, you're not gonna shoot nails in me. 164 00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:22,767 No. I think a couple of severe burns from the cigar is what's gonna do the trick. 165 00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:24,202 What? No, you need deep wounds. 166 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,837 No, wait. This'll give you deep wounds. 167 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,439 Hold on a second! No! I can get these pretty deep. 168 00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:30,008 Nobody's gonna burn me or shoot me full of nails! Dennis, calm down! 169 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,710 You focus on your art, okay? 170 00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:34,346 Frank and I will handle all the business end of things. Hang on a second. 171 00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:37,983 If you guys really want to do the stigmata-- 172 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:40,585 Okay. Good work, Frank. 173 00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:42,654 I think we should just probably leave the body right here. 174 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,689 Yeah, we can leave him here. In the morning they'll come out and find him. 175 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,191 All right, give me his hands. Yo. 176 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,563 [ Man ] I don't go to a therapist. I just go to bars. 177 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:54,399 If you walk up to the nearest drunk guy and bump him from behind, 178 00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:57,302 he always turns around and goes, "Hey, man. What's your problem?" 179 00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,472 [ Continues, Indistinct ] [ Chuckles ] This guy is great. 180 00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:02,807 Do you come here every night? Every night, huh? This is great. 181 00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:05,944 Hey, do they have food too? 'Cause I could go for some food. No, no. No food. 182 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,846 I don't eat while I'm here. When do you eat? 183 00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:11,082 I don't. Why don't you eat dinner, Dee? You gotta eat dinner sometime. 184 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,418 Because when you perform your nerves make you dry heave, 185 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:16,621 and you better hope you don't have any food in your stomach. You're gonna perform? 186 00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:21,126 All right. Now, this next lady y'all know, because she's here almost every night. 187 00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:23,595 Let's hope she's got some new jokes this time. 188 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:28,300 Everybody put your hands together for Deandra Reynolds! 189 00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:31,970 [ Applause Smattering ] 190 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:36,007 Howdy, howdy, howdy. How's everybody doing tonight? [ Chuckles Weakly ] 191 00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:41,947 So, you guys, what's the deal with those hands-free headsets... 192 00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:45,517 that everybody's wearing in their ears, right? [ Gags ] 193 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:53,325 It's like, "Hey, everybody, look at me! I'm one part robot and three parts asshole!" 194 00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:57,062 [ Gagging ] [ Man ] Jesus Christ! 195 00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:03,935 [ Exhales Heavily ] I mean, am I right, or am I-- [ Gags, Coughs ] Screw it! 196 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,904 [ Applause Smattering ] 197 00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:10,241 Wow. Well, at least it was short and dry this time. 198 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:14,512 [ Laughing ] Dee, what are you doing to yourself? That is terrible. 199 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:17,182 Why would you do that? You just gotta put in your dues, you know? 200 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:19,217 You gotta take it one step at a time when you want to be an actor. 201 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:25,090 What? This is about being an actor? Why in God's name are you still trying to be an actor? 202 00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:28,259 Okay, we all have our hopes and dreams. You're still trying to get with the waitress. 203 00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,829 I'm still trying to act. We just do whatever we need to do. 204 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:34,165 Oh, is it funny? You better get ready, guy, 'cause you're next. Huh? 205 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:37,502 Let's hear it for a newcomer here tonight, Mr. Charlie Kelly! 206 00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,575 So, you guys, you ever eat cheese? Cheese is a funny thing. 207 00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:46,077 Cheese is a strange thing. I always wonder, like, what is cheese? 208 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,179 Where does it-- [ Gagging ] 209 00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:55,754 We gotta figure out how to get you into rehab. 210 00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:58,089 Let's talk stigmatas. 211 00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:00,925 You need deep wounds. No, no, wait. 212 00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,461 [ Mac ] Rehab-- Rehab-- 213 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:05,530 Yo, punk. 214 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,599 Wake up, punk. 215 00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,901 Yo, punk! Ow! 216 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:13,471 Wake up! What the hell? 217 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,373 Yeah, you in hell, all right! What? 218 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,543 You know what? My name is Sinbad! This Sinbad's house! 219 00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:21,446 When you're in Sinbad house, you're my bitch! Listen-- 220 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,581 [ Sniffs ] Yeah, you know who that is? 221 00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:27,752 Huh? That's Rob Thomas. Matchbox 20! Sing a song. 222 00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:29,387 Uh-- Shut up! 223 00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:32,323 Matchbox 20? Eww! 224 00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,592 You the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that? No, no! 225 00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:37,962 Matterof fact, unleash the fury. Get his shoe! What? 226 00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:40,565 Beat his testicles! Beat his testicles! No, no, no! Don't beat! 227 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,802 Don't, don't, don't, don't! Come on. Rob Thomas and Si-- Sinbad. 228 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:46,705 Uh, look, man. I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here. 229 00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:49,340 And I'm in a lot of pain. Just tell me what's going on. 230 00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:52,243 It's the pain, huh? My bad. I didn't know you was hurting like that. 231 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:55,046 My bad. 'Cause I've hurt before. You've hurt before. We all hurt. 232 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,949 So I'm gonna just break it down now. Introduce myself right. That was wrong. 233 00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:02,320 I'm Sinbad. There's my head shot. Autograph for you a little later on. 234 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:05,256 And this is Sinbad's house. [ Shouting ] And you're my bitch! 235 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,058 I'm gonna show you how-- [ Door Opens ] 236 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,128 - Everything okay in here? - Hey, what's up, Jerome? Man, he keep throwin' his shoe. 237 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:13,598 - He crazy. - Let's go. Everybody should be in bed with the lights off. 238 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,835 We're tryin' to go to sleep. He keep throwin' shoes at us. 239 00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:20,038 You're about to get me jacked up, man! Is that what you're tryin' to do? 240 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,440 Shut up! Man, I'll poke your eye out! 241 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:26,578 See this? This one on you, and this one on Rob Thomas. 242 00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:29,280 I own both y'all! 243 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:31,583 Watch your ass, new meat. 244 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,793 All righty then. See you soon. Bye-bye. [ Chuckling ] 245 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:46,397 - Hey, dude. - I just made a date with that girlie rock star's people. 246 00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:49,000 - Bon Jovi? Oh! - Yeah. He owns the Philadelphia Soul-- 247 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,535 the arena football team. 248 00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:53,204 - I just offered to buy it. - Awesome! 249 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,206 All right, I'm gonna pretend that I have terminal cancer... 250 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,375 and get him to do an acoustic set on my deathbed. 251 00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:59,644 Wait. Why would you do that? You don't have to do that. 252 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:03,281 No, it's great, bro. Rock stars do the cancer-kid thing all the time. Look, Frank! 253 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,617 No! You got us into a room with Jovi's people, right? 254 00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,820 I'm gonna get us into a room with Jovi himself! I'm sorry! That's a stupid idea. 255 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,823 I don't want you to do it. I already got a bald-cap guy and everything. 256 00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:13,424 You're just confusing everything! 257 00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:15,527 There's nothing confusing about it, Frank! It's very, very simple! 258 00:13:15,529 --> 00:13:18,797 Shut up! Shut your big mouth right now! 259 00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:24,169 I will put my foot down right now! You are not going in there with that cancer thing! 260 00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:27,071 I don't care what you say! So get it out of your head! 261 00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:30,909 Okay. Jesus, dude. I won't do the cancer thing. 262 00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:33,077 Relax. 263 00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:37,949 So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team. 264 00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:43,288 Big time! But I want to do business with Mr. Von Joni himself. 265 00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:48,359 Bon Jovi? Yeah! Mr. Bovine Joni himself. 266 00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:51,262 I'm offering $40 million for the team. 267 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:54,432 Wow. Well, that is a very generous offer. 268 00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:58,603 But I must admit I'm a little bit confused about one thing. 269 00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:01,406 What's confusing about 40 million? That's a shitload of money. 270 00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:07,212 It is. It is. I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen to involve this gentleman here. 271 00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:11,249 Uh-- [ Sighs ] Well, if I may, I'd like to explain to you why I'm here. 272 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,852 Uh, ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer, 273 00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:17,822 and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi. 274 00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:20,325 Ahh. Now, Sambora's presence is not necessary. 275 00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:24,162 But it would be nice if he was involved. Question: Is this a laser pointer? 276 00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:25,496 Yes. Can I have it? 277 00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,699 No. I'm gonna take it anyway. 278 00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,134 Please don't listen to anything he says. No, no. No, Frank. 279 00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:33,538 I'll give you $60 million for the team. Frank, you-- I got it. 280 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,441 We're talking about cancer. We're negotiating! 281 00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:39,010 You're not negotiating shit. We're onto the cancer thing now. 282 00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:41,112 That is the way that it's gonna go from here. 283 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:45,350 Okay. I'm just gonna throw this out there. I don't think you have cancer. 284 00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:49,153 What? What are you talking about? No, that's chemo. That's chemotherapy right there. 285 00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:53,258 And for the record, when you go through chemo, your beard hair falls out too. 286 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,126 Are you sure? I asked a lot of people! 287 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:58,263 I asked my bald-cap guy! I told you not to do the cancer thing! 288 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:02,100 But it was working until you got in with the bullshit numbers! Goddamn it! 289 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:06,204 You know, I'm not even really bald. I have a full head of hair. Not like him. 290 00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:13,845 Not only do I consider it magnificent, I have a sneaking suspicion it's pretty good. 291 00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:16,047 [ Slurping ] Hey! 292 00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:19,150 On his eyes. Shine it on his dick. Shine it on his dick! 293 00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,753 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - [ Laughing ] 294 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,888 Look at his dick! ♪♪ [ Cell Phone Ring Tone: Country ] 295 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:27,091 Oh, that's me. That's my phone. My phone is ringing. Sorry, that's me. 296 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,093 Hey, dude. Where you been? 297 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,663 I'm in rehab, dude! Oh, yeah. 298 00:15:31,665 --> 00:15:33,598 Hey, that whole Jovi thing went south, 299 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,067 so I think we're just gonna scrap the whole book ordeal. [ Slurping ] 300 00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,869 - What are you talking about? - [ Beeping ] 301 00:15:37,871 --> 00:15:40,238 I got another call, buddy. No, no! No, don't-- 302 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,141 Hello? [ Man ] Bill, what's happening? 303 00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,043 Who are you looking for? Bill. Who's this? 304 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,812 Oh, this is Mac. You got the wrong number. Oh, my bad. 305 00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:49,981 Yeah. No problem. What number were you trying to call? 306 00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:52,617 - Shh! - ♪♪ [ Cell Phone Ring Tone: Disco ] 307 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,819 - Hello? - Frank, you gotta get me outta here, man! 308 00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:57,689 Where are you? I'm in rehab, goddamn it! 309 00:15:57,691 --> 00:15:59,924 Well, I'm in a movie, and this broad's about to get naked. 310 00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,193 So I gotta go. No, no, no! Yeah. No, that's okay. 311 00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:07,131 Yeah, I thought it was some chick. Who are you talking to? 312 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,733 I'm talking to Bill. And anyway, so-- 313 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,601 No, I'm not Bill. I'm Terry. Bill? 314 00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:13,705 I'm sorry. No, it's Terry. Sorry about that, Terry. Anyway, these cat people hated me-- 315 00:16:13,707 --> 00:16:16,407 Terry? What number did he want? 'cause I kept calling them over and over. 316 00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,176 Will you please shut up! [ Terry ] Who's that? 317 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:21,346 I got some dick in a movie theater giving me shit. Why you turn around like that? 318 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:23,348 Yeah. Nice talking to you. All right. Call me back. 319 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,316 I'll talk to you afterwards. Bye. [ Muttering ] 320 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,285 Give me the laser pointer. What a jerk. 321 00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:31,656 I know. Watch this. I'm gonna do it on the back of his head. [ Chuckling ] 322 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,459 Bro, you wore the battery down. Oh. 323 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:38,596 Well, how am I supposed to use it now? 'Cause you-- Jerk! 324 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,698 I'm a jerk? Yeah. You're a jerk. 325 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,701 You're walking around with that bald cap on all day, and I'm a jerk. 326 00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:47,105 It was expensive. I'm sorry. I want to get my money's worth. You're talking to a guy-- 327 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:50,675 Will you please be quiet? Who talks like this in the middle of a movie theater? 328 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:54,612 Hey. Hey, you don't know how hard I got it, pal. 329 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:58,349 You don't know how tough it is bein' me. What? 330 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:03,755 It's not that tough to be you, Frank. What is so difficult about your life? 331 00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:07,925 Yeah, try walkin' a mile in my shoes once in a while and then talk to me. 332 00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:11,529 [ Man In Film ] Would you allow me to show you my-- 333 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:15,433 [ Thinking ] Our eyes locked, our hands touched, 334 00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,735 and she whispered in my ear, 335 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:21,572 "Dude, your balls totally rule." [ Door Opens ] 336 00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:23,708 [ Sinbad ] What the hell you think you doing, man? 337 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:27,278 I heard about this shit! It's gonna stop! Take his book, Rob! 338 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,113 Whoa, whoa, wait! [ Yelping ] 339 00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,416 Come on. I was just in the middle of some really erotic stuff. 340 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:34,685 Yeah, I heard about that shit. You trying to write memoirs and erotic shit. 341 00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,255 Know what? You don't write it, bitch! I'll write it! 342 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:41,592 What is your problem, Sinbad? Think you Jesus? You think you Jesus? 343 00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:45,396 Ain't no Jesus here 'cept me! I'm Jesus! 344 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,832 What the hell, man? You stole my thing! 345 00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:51,135 No, no. My thing is bigger. Rule of the land. Big is my thing now. 346 00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:54,972 Took it. Bam! Mine! Fine. But what does Rob Thomas have to do with any of this? 347 00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:57,608 You know Rob-- You know what he's got to do with it? 348 00:17:57,610 --> 00:18:00,945 He do whatever I tell him do, because he's my bitch, bitch! 349 00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,714 Let's get out of here. We're gonna read some smut. Come on, man. 350 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,751 Shut up. Give it to him. Give it-- No, I'm playing! [ Laughs ] 351 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:10,488 [ Door Closes ] I gotta get outta here. 352 00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:16,160 This is my day, and this is where I come at the end of the day... 353 00:18:16,162 --> 00:18:17,695 before I head off to Paddy's. 354 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,997 Why do you come to the fountain? The fountain's my thing. 355 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:22,233 Well, I'll tell you why I come to the fountain. 356 00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:25,870 I come here every single day to throw money into this thing to wish for a better life. 357 00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:28,706 Money that you apparently steal for spies! 358 00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:31,175 Okay, so essentially, Charlie, you're stealing my dreams! 359 00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:34,445 - If you don't mind, I'm gonna get those dreams back now. - No, those are my spy coins. 360 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,981 That's my money anyway! You can't have that! How is that your money? 361 00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:39,984 It's itchy. This is what I gotta go through to get laid. Frank, shut up! 362 00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,220 You're just pissed off, 'cause I pull it off better than you. 363 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,055 You don't pull it off better than anything. 364 00:18:44,057 --> 00:18:48,259 You better not lose your hair, 'cause you're an ugly bald man. Not as ugly as you, bitch. 365 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:50,161 Ah! What are we doing here? 366 00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:54,665 This is the time of day when I come to the fountain. Why? 367 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,235 When I was a kid I used to swim in this fountain. 368 00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,403 A bunch of bullies kicked me out. 369 00:18:59,405 --> 00:19:04,642 So I wait until this time of day and come back and piss in the fountain. 370 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,778 I've been pissin' in the fountain for 50 years. 371 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:11,382 Well, why are you still pissing in it? To get back at their kids! 372 00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:14,852 -Greedy, greedy! Greedy Dee! -You can't have a good life without your dreams! 373 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:18,356 Is that Dee and Charlie? Hey, guys, what are you doing? What the hell? 374 00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:22,593 These are my dreams! They mean something to me! It's anyone's coins! 375 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:25,563 Yo, Charlie and Dee! Yo, Charlie and Dee! [ Shouting, Arguing ] 376 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,598 Deandra! What are you doing? Dee! 377 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:31,869 I'm taking my dreams back! What are you guys doing? 378 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:34,672 Frank's gonna piss in the fountain. I do it every day. 379 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:37,008 Hey, I like your haircut, man. What's going on up here? 380 00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,243 You can't tell. Charlie, it's a bald cap. 381 00:19:39,245 --> 00:19:41,812 It's not even real! You can't tell, huh? Oh, my God! 382 00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,981 [ Charlie ] That's awesome! [ Dee ] No, you can you can tell. 383 00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:47,585 - [ Charlie ] You say you were gonna piss in the fountain? - You're in it. 384 00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:50,154 Hey, Dennis! What's up, buddy? Come here! 385 00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:51,689 What you doing? Hey, guys. 386 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,358 Huh? I use this fountain for its healing powers. 387 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:57,595 Plus, it does wonders for my skin. [ Gibberish ] But that's not important right now! 388 00:19:57,597 --> 00:20:01,599 - You're not gonna believe this. Sinbad was trying to kill me! - What? 389 00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:05,469 Yeah, Sinbad the comedian. He was in the rehab center. He was trying to kill me. 390 00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:08,639 And then Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbox 20? He was in there too. 391 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:12,109 - Is any of that making sense? - No. 392 00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:16,647 Uh, time-time out, time out, time out. Did you or did you not meet Sinbad? 393 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,083 Yeah. I met Sinbad. But-- Can you prove that stuff? 394 00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,219 Oh, yeah. This happened just moments ago! 395 00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:23,154 Boom! Memoir's back on. Me! 396 00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:26,090 Rob Thomas is a douche bag, but the public eats that shit up! Yeah! 397 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,326 The memoirs thing is done! We gotta go back to that rehab. 398 00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:30,595 No, no! We can't go back there! That's too dangerous! 399 00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:33,664 No, we have to prove it. We gotta take photos. We have to sign documents. 400 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:37,935 - Dude, I'm a huge Sinbad fan! - Sinbad is not the man that you think he is, Charlie! 401 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:40,538 We'll take care of you. We'll watch your back. I am not going back! 402 00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:43,241 I'd like to meet him. I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker. 403 00:20:44,943 --> 00:20:47,311 Okay, guys. This is it. [ Mac ] What the hell is this? 404 00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:52,617 It's the rehab center. That's not the rehab center. That's the rehab center. 405 00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:55,453 Well, this is where they brought me after you guys dropped me off. 406 00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:58,222 Everybody, you gotta stay close to me, okay? You have to protect me, 407 00:20:58,224 --> 00:21:01,058 because like most comedians Sinbad is very angry on the inside. 408 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:05,196 Come on. Come on! Do you think he'll, like, autograph my shirt? Or, like-- 409 00:21:05,198 --> 00:21:08,933 He will autograph your face until it is bloody to a pulp. Now come on! 410 00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:13,170 So, like-- like what is this place, dude? [ Door Closes ] 411 00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:16,407 Hey! Oh, hell, no! 412 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:18,476 We told you not to come back here, freak! 413 00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:20,144 Wh-Where's Sinbad? 414 00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:24,115 Oh, you call me Sinbad one more time, I'm gonna knock you out. 415 00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:27,018 - What the hell is going on here? - This dude broke in here, 416 00:21:27,020 --> 00:21:30,588 and has been running around ranting and raving about memoirs and Sinbad! 417 00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:33,424 So-- So you lied to us, Dennis? 418 00:21:33,426 --> 00:21:36,227 No, I didn't lie. No, I swear to God. This was all real. 419 00:21:36,229 --> 00:21:39,497 - Sinbad was here, I swear! - That's it. I'm calling the cops. 420 00:21:39,499 --> 00:21:41,365 You thought that dude was Sinbad. This guy? 421 00:21:41,367 --> 00:21:43,067 Maybe that blow to the head did a little more damage than we thought. 422 00:21:43,069 --> 00:21:45,169 That's not Sinbad, dude! I know that's not Sinbad! 423 00:21:45,171 --> 00:21:47,505 Is this some sort of sick fantasy? No, it's not a fantasy! 424 00:21:47,507 --> 00:21:50,474 I didn't make it up! Sinbad was here! I swear! Well, guess what, guy? 425 00:21:50,476 --> 00:21:54,912 The memoir is dead again! I can't believe you didn't meet Sinbad! 426 00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:57,315 Do you even realize how excited I was to meet Sinbad! 427 00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:59,417 Sinbad's a hilarious comedian. Goddamn it. Son of a bitch. 428 00:21:59,419 --> 00:22:01,319 That guy is like some dude in green pants. 429 00:22:01,321 --> 00:22:04,055 I don't even see how this could be happening. It all seemed so real. 430 00:22:04,057 --> 00:22:06,657 [ Door Closes ] I need to see a doctor. 431 00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:11,028 Psst. No, you don't, bitch! 432 00:22:12,230 --> 00:22:14,765 - Wake up! Yeah, you in hell all right! - Ow! 433 00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:17,501 - Oh, what the hell, man? - Hell, no! 434 00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:19,570 You call me Sinbad one more time-- 435 00:22:24,576 --> 00:22:26,844 Yeah. I should definitely see a doctor. 436 00:23:05,784 --> 00:23:08,886 [ Voices Speaking Backwards ]