1
00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:06,205
[ Mac ]
Okay, it's 2:30 on a Wednesday.
Philadelphia, P.A.
2
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,806
Hello, America.
Mac here...
3
00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:10,609
with another installment
of Project Badass.
4
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:15,247
As you can see, the ramp is
about 40 feet down there.
5
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,783
I will now light
the pyrotechnics...
6
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:23,322
which are attached at the arms
and back and all over my pants.
7
00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:26,258
Totally and completely badass.
8
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,659
Here we go!
9
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:30,462
Three, two, one.
10
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:34,233
[ Man ]
♪ Here I go again
on my own ♪
11
00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:36,835
- [ Mac Laughing ]
- Ooh!
12
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,170
Yeah!
Oh, Jesus!
13
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,472
You see what I
was going for, right?
How badass is that?
14
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:43,542
You know what, man?
I actually found that to be
pretty goddamn entertaining.
15
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:46,712
I gotta be honest.
You have more of those?
I got a shitload of those.
16
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,680
Yeah?
I've been working
my ass off on these videos.
17
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:52,284
Has Charlie seen these?
I bet he would love 'em.
I showed it to him.
18
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,218
Yeah?
He acted like he liked it.
19
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:56,455
In fact, he even asked me to
keep one of the videocassettes
for multiple views.
20
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:59,224
And then when I wasn't around,
I saw him smashing one.
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00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,593
Smashing it?
Dude, I don't know
what his problem is,
22
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,829
but he's been completely
pissing me off recently.
23
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:07,199
I worked so hard
on those tapes.
Why?
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00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:09,401
Hmm?
Why?
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00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,871
To show how badass I am.
[ Charlie ]
Code red. Code red!
26
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:16,608
Code red, guys!
Guys, we got a code red
on our hands!
27
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,177
What?
[ Panting ]
Oh, my God. Check it out.
28
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:22,748
Now according to my sources
in the field, the waitress
is seeing somebody.
29
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,350
Do you know
who this guy is?
No. I have no idea, man.
30
00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:28,754
I just got, like,
a shady readout on the guy.
Look, I tell you what, Mac.
31
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:32,124
Seeing how you're
my best friend, maybe you can
look into it for me.
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00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:36,128
Go down there.
Snoop around the shop.
Can I stop you for a second?
33
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I'm sorry.
I'm a little confused here.
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You just said he was
your best friend? How is he
your best friend over me?
35
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:44,670
Well, I mean...
you banged the waitress.
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00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:49,141
Do I even have to explain that
to you? That kind of rubbed me
the wrong way, dude.
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00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,209
Okay.
I mean, you know,
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00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:53,745
I don't see how that
should factor into whether
we're best friends or not.
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00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,981
To be honest with you, man,
I'm a little shocked.
40
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,183
I'm kinda--
I'm thunderstruck.
41
00:01:58,185 --> 00:02:00,285
Oh, well, I'm sorry, man.
But I didn't mean to hurt you.
42
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:03,222
I didn't mean to
thunderstrike you. But I
don't know what to tell you.
43
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:08,527
I need for you to explain to me
how it is that you consider Mac
to be a better friend to you.
44
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:10,796
This is just becoming awkward
when I have a real problem!
45
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,564
All of a sudden it's about
some weird feelings thing!
46
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:16,468
It's not about your feelings
now! It's about my feelings
'cause I have a problem.
47
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:19,905
Mac, please, do you think
you can find this guy
and kick his ass for me?
48
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,875
Absolutely, bro.
I will find this guy
and I will kick his ass.
49
00:02:22,877 --> 00:02:27,045
You know why?
Because you and I
are best friends.
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00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,515
[ Doorbell Rings ]
51
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,650
He's onto us.
52
00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:03,782
[ Doorbell Buzzes ]
53
00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:06,451
Hey, hey!
Hey.
54
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:08,020
Hey, what's up, buddy?
How are ya? ÷ ÷Good.
55
00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,622
So, look,
I'm only gonna be here
a night or two...
56
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,558
until Mac and I take care
of a little business.
57
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,494
You stay as long
as you want to, man,
'cause that's what friends do.
58
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:19,498
They let each other stay
at each other's apartments.
They hang out with each other.
59
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,466
Absolutely.
And we can do that.
Do some bonding.
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00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:24,836
Maybe go over the best friend
thing a couple more times.
Uh, bro.
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00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:27,239
Where are you going
with that?
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00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:31,577
Well, I was gonna throw
your sleeping bag in my room
'cause you can stay with me.
63
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:35,714
Ooh, yeah. Uh, I was
gonna stay in Mac's room.
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00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,717
Oh, I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Hey, my room's a lot bigger.
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00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,720
I'm just gonna stick
with the plan here.
Oh, okay.
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00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:47,492
Listen, man, since you're here
and you got all this beer, let's
crack a couple of 'em open.
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00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:52,331
Let's get tipsy.
Yeah, but the beer
is for me and Mac. You know?
68
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:55,734
It doesn't have to be,
though.
Celebrate the ass kicking.
69
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:59,805
Well, I mean, there's 24 beers
there if I'm counting right.
70
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:02,007
Twelve for me
and 12 for Mac.
Twelve for Mac.
71
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,542
That's sort of
our thing that we do.
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00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:06,878
You guys are really
gonna drink that many?
Just the two of you?
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00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:07,980
Tonight?
Yeah.
74
00:04:07,982 --> 00:04:11,383
We could do something else.
Let's do something else!
Hey, board games, man!
75
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:14,419
Let's have a board game night.
Chinese checkers.
76
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:17,389
That's kinda foreign to me.
I got-- I got Clue.
77
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:21,393
We could solve
a mystery together.
Complicated stuff there.
78
00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,462
What about Connect Four?
Connect Four's a fun game.
79
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:26,531
Lot of counting.
It's not that much counting.
80
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,867
It's just one, two, three,
and then four you win.
81
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,370
But a lot of times
you gotta count that much.
82
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:34,740
Not that many times.
If you get it once,
you've won the game.
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00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:39,611
So, you're kinda in--
Have you ever spent any--
84
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,981
I'm in your way.
I'm in your way.
My way.
85
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:46,685
Yeah. Cool.
86
00:04:48,388 --> 00:04:52,858
Uh, hey, let's watch
a movie. That's simple.
That doesn't require any--
87
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:56,795
We can just sit down and
like watch-- I bought
a bunch of new DVDs.
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00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,665
Yeah, I got a lot
of work to do.
89
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,400
Whoa! What are you--
What is that?
90
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:05,437
Oh, nothing.
I just got a couple long-range
walkie-talkies.
91
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:09,541
Oh, cool.
Did you get one for me?
Uh--
92
00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:13,312
I... did... not.
93
00:05:13,913 --> 00:05:17,883
Look, that's all right.
I mean, we could probably just--
[ Beeps ]
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00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:21,153
Who has--
Who has the other one?
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00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:23,789
[ Beeps ]
Mac probably.
96
00:05:29,629 --> 00:05:32,798
- All right, let's do this.
- What are you doing?
97
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,599
Popping my pants off.
Why?
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00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:35,367
Because we're gonna bang.
99
00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:39,137
Shove it in Charlie's face for
smashing my tape. How many times
do we have to go through this?
100
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,839
Dude, look.
I know what your
little plan is.
101
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,575
But if I am going to bang you,
it's gonna be on my own terms,
okay?
102
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,777
There's some things
that I need from you.
[ Grunts ]
103
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:48,447
All right, whatever.
I'll wear the goddamn condom.
But I am not psyched about it.
104
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:53,418
This isn't about condoms! Do
you really not wear condoms when
you have sex with strangers?
105
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:54,753
Why would I wear
a condom if I--
Okay, I don't care.
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00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:59,624
I just need you to get me in
Dennis's house alone so I can
get something back from him.
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00:05:59,626 --> 00:06:01,727
What?
None of your business.
108
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,862
Is it a sex tape?
No.
109
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,932
Yes. How do you know that?
Because he videotapes
every chick he bangs.
110
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,134
He's got, like,
a thousand of them.
I don't like 'em though.
111
00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,837
It's mostly that horrible angle
that you see in porns,
112
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:15,807
where it's all balls
and male ass just--
113
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:19,411
That is disgusting.
Who likes that?
Who finds that sexy?
114
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:22,114
Are there balls
and asshole men that like--
Please stop doing that.
115
00:06:22,116 --> 00:06:24,783
[ Charlie ] Best Friend 1
to Best Friend 2,
come in. Over.
116
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,184
Eesh.
I'm gonna take this.
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00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:30,756
Then maybe later
we can do some hand stuff.
Are you in junior high?
118
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:31,990
Mouth stuff?
Oh, my God.
119
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:34,259
Mouth stuff.
Best Friend 1 to
Best Friend 2, come in.
120
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:38,997
- Hey, buddy. What's up?
- What's the status? You make
contact with the target?
121
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:44,069
Yeah. Affirmative.
I totally kicked his ass.
Good, man!
122
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,805
Hey, what was
this jerk's name?
123
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,940
His name? Um--
124
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:52,477
Don.
Don. Typical.
125
00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:54,780
You get a last name
on this chump?
126
00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:56,181
Yeah. Johnson.
127
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:57,682
Yeah.
Sounds like a real sucker.
128
00:06:57,684 --> 00:07:02,020
Actually, no.
He had some pretty sweet moves.
But I totally roundhoused him.
129
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:05,957
Took him out.
My form was pretty perfect.
I'm sure you did.
130
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:08,427
I'm sure you did.
That's my man. That's my
best friend right there.
131
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:14,933
Why don't you head back to the
nest for some pizza and beer.
Best Friend 1, over and out.
132
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,002
[ Static Humming ]
133
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,838
He forgot to say "over and out."
I can't believe that.
134
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,974
- He's lying.
- Huh?
135
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,911
He's spinning you
a web of lies, Charlie.
136
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:28,647
What are you
talking about, dude?
137
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,782
Don Johnson?
138
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,518
You don't find that
a little suspicious?
139
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,220
No. Should I?
140
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:39,925
Don Johnson's the dude
from Miami Vice, Charlie.
141
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:44,262
I'm sure there's plenty
of Don Johnsons running
around Philly, dude.
142
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,163
I don't think so.
143
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,999
Then maybe he beat up
the Don Johnson
you're talking about.
144
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:51,903
No, it's something else.
Something stinks here, bro.
145
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,573
And it is not
just Mac's dirty socks.
146
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,741
- They do stink, don't they?
- They smell really bad.
147
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:59,711
Really bad!
I'm surprised you've been able
to be in here for this long...
148
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,346
without cracking a window
or something.
It has not been easy.
149
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:05,317
I should crack a window.
I tried. It's like they're
sealed shut or something.
150
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:11,156
I hate to say this, bro,
but I think Mac's
banging the waitress.
151
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,992
What are you talking about?
Hey, hey, hey.
152
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,094
I can't say for sure.
I don't have any hard evidence.
153
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:19,231
But that's just what
it feels like from where
I'm standing, man.
154
00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:21,633
And he's gonna break
your heart, man.
155
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:22,968
And when he breaks your heart,
156
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:27,305
I'll be here
to pick up the pieces
and put you back together.
157
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:31,877
'Cause that's what
a real best friend does.
158
00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:36,615
You know where to find me.
159
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,951
Over and out.
160
00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:45,724
Oh, my God.
161
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,303
Jesus Christ, dude.
You scared the shit out of me.
162
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,872
[ Slurring ]
A little late, isn't it?
163
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:05,544
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
What are you still doing up?
164
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:11,650
Oh, well, you know,
I was just waiting for my--
165
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,118
my best friend.
166
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:17,789
Right. Well, um,
I went on a long walk.
167
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,324
Hey, here's an idea for you.
168
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:24,696
How about you take your mind
off of it with some pizza...
169
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,831
and some beer.
170
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:29,200
Oh, that's right.
171
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,270
I ate all the pizza
and I drank all the beer.
172
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:36,207
You must be wasted, dude.
Twenty-four beers by yourself?
173
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:38,076
And... I'm very wasted.
174
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,812
Right. Okay.
Why don't you come to bed, bro?
175
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:45,684
Oh, I don't think I'm gonna be
sleeping in your bed tonight.
176
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:48,219
Doesn't really feel right.
177
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:52,724
I feel like it might be
a little bit better for me...
178
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:55,193
if I spent the night
on the couch.
179
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,629
Okay. That's cool.
Just make sure you go
to the bathroom...
180
00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:01,166
before you fall asleep
'cause I don't want you
to piss on the couch again.
181
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:05,003
Oh, well, we wouldn't
want that now, would we?
182
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,371
No, we wouldn't.
183
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:11,810
'Cause that would be
a terrible thing to do.
184
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,111
Terrible and--
185
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,280
Seriously, bro,
if you piss on the couch again,
you're gonna buy us--
186
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:18,783
- I'm not gonna piss--
- You're buying us a new one
if you piss on the couch.
187
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,286
- I can control myself.
- Just don't piss on the couch.
188
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:27,359
- You've done it before.
All right, good night.
- I can control myself.
189
00:10:30,896 --> 00:10:32,731
Hmm.
190
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,867
Didn't sound like best friend
talk out here to me.
191
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:39,404
No, it--
it really wasn't.
192
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:43,274
Hmm. You want
to come in my room?
193
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:46,478
I think that sounds
just fine.
194
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,248
Come on, Charlie.
Come to your real best friend.
195
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,084
Yeah. You're my friend.
I'm your friend.
196
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:57,088
Oh, my God!
Your breath is horrible.
Sorry. I'm like so drunk.
197
00:10:57,090 --> 00:11:00,792
Oh, Jesus.
Just get in the bed.
198
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,662
Oh, my God.
199
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:07,065
[ Charlie Snoring ]
200
00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:10,135
[ Whispers ]
Dennis?
201
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,037
Dennis, wake up.
202
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,705
Wake up.
[ Grunts ]
203
00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:16,441
What time is it?
Shh. It's really late, dude.
204
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:19,010
There's a certain situation
developing between myself,
205
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:23,048
Charlie, and the waitress that
I need to talk to you about.
206
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:24,115
Proceed.
Okay.
207
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:28,386
Well, as you know, Charlie
thinks that he and I
are best friends,
208
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:29,154
which is total bullshit.
209
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:33,091
Because you know that what we
have is much stronger than that.
You and I are blood brothers.
210
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:37,462
Oh, most definitely.
So as my blood brother, I need
to confide a secret to you.
211
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,664
You've been banging
the waitress?
How'd you know that?
212
00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:43,168
You're my blood brother, man.
I know more about you
than you know about yourself.
213
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:45,470
Listen, bro.
I need you to do me a favor.
214
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:48,940
Can you get Charlie out
of the apartment tomorrow?
Why?
215
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:51,976
'Cause she wants to bang
in your bed. I don't know.
216
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:54,813
She's obsessed with you
or something.
She's a total freak.
217
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:55,980
I don't give a shit
either way...
218
00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:58,950
because I want to rub it
in Charlie's face for smashing
my Project Badass tape.
219
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,920
Whatever it's gonna take to
finally get you two banging.
Yeah.
220
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:05,256
Dennis, I got you something.
You got me something?
221
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:08,059
What?
I got you a walkie-talkie.
222
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,828
Dude, that's great.
223
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:13,932
That way we can communicate
better. We'll use a different
channel than Charlie and I use.
224
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:16,267
That's awesome, man.
Yeah, it's good, right?
225
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:18,803
Thank you.
[ Laughs ]
226
00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:21,206
[ Grunts ]
Shh, shh.
227
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,842
Well--
228
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:26,778
Hey.
Hey, Charlie.
229
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:29,380
Well, what is this?
230
00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:31,249
Uh--
231
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,383
What am I seeing?
232
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:36,554
Nothing, man. You're having
a dream right now.
Yeah. Just a dream.
233
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,389
I'm dreaming?
Yep.
234
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:40,125
Yeah, dreaming.
Yep.
235
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,227
You sure?
'Cause I feel like I'm awake.
236
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:46,231
No, man. You're--
This is a dream
that you're having.
237
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:49,300
All right. Am I peeing?
[ Liquid Streaming ]
238
00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:51,336
Are you peeing? Oh!
He's pissing
all over the bed!
239
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:54,372
He's peeing!
I told him he was gonna do it!
He drank too much!
240
00:12:54,374 --> 00:13:00,011
Goddamn it!
Hey, guys,
if I'm peeing, wake me up.
241
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:04,916
Yeah, bro. But that had to
change your mind about who your
real best friend is though.
242
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:08,419
I'll give you this much, dude.
The guy's acting very weird,
okay?
243
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:11,389
But I need proof if I'm gonna
sell him down the river.
244
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:13,358
Proof?
He told me he was
gonna bang her, man.
245
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,261
Maybe the two of you
are plotting against me.
Look, it doesn't matter.
246
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,930
I got a plan to prove it
to you, anyway.
What's this plan of yours?
247
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:23,034
Walk with me. I planted that
walkie-talkie that Mac gave me
in my bedroom.
248
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:25,970
We're gonna switch your walkie
to that channel and we're gonna
listen to the whole thing.
249
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,506
We're gonna catch that son
of a bitch red-handed.
Oh, my God. That'll work.
250
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,109
Yeah, it's gonna work.
And the whole thing's
gonna be on tape too.
251
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:34,345
You know that video camera
I keep in my bedroom?
No.
252
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:39,117
I got that bad boy running 24/7.
It's like a security cam.
Except it's for banging.
253
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,786
Weird.
Come to the office with me.
254
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:45,990
Yeah, he keeps that camera
running nonstop, just in case.
255
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,392
Yeah! Here we go.
"W" through "Z"!
256
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:51,496
- You should be under "W," yeah?
- No. My name doesn't start
with a "W."
257
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,998
"Waitress." Here we go.
"Waitress, coffee shop."
258
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,701
One star. Not good.
Oh, just give that to me.
259
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:59,904
One star.
Okay. Well, I guess
a deal's a deal.
260
00:13:59,906 --> 00:14:01,873
So pop those knickers off
so we can jam.
261
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,042
Not just yet.
I need one more thing from you.
262
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:07,045
Jesus Christ. I just want
to bang at this point
just to get it over with.
263
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:11,349
I want to get it over with too,
but I want you to bang me at
Charlie and Frank's apartment.
264
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,985
You want to bang in Charlie
and Frank's apartment?
Yes.
265
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:17,522
Yeah, that'll be good.
We can rub his face in it.
Oh, yeah.
266
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,190
If we're gonna do that,
we gotta be very careful.
267
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:22,961
'Cause I don't want to get
caught slipping in and out
before the coitus.
268
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:24,529
Let's make a plan.
Okay.
269
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:27,232
Goddamn it. This doesn't
make any sense. We should
be hearing them by now.
270
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:30,001
- Why aren't we hearing them?
- 'Cause I turned it off.
271
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:33,304
What do you mean
you turned it off?
I don't want to listen to this!
272
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,540
You gotta listen to it,
Charlie.
I don't think I can.
273
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:36,674
You need to hear him
sexing her...
274
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,977
because the video alone
won't be evidence enough
because of the angle.
275
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:43,248
What's wrong with the angle?
Let's put it this way. You won't
be able to see anybody's face.
276
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,450
Oh, it's the lowdown--
You got it.
277
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:46,251
That's a--
I know.
278
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:49,387
[ Mac Over Radio ]
If we're gonna do this,
the only way it's gonna work...
279
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:53,124
is if you're dressed
like a man.
Dressed like a man?
280
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,225
[ Waitress ]
You want me to dress like a man?
281
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:57,962
Yeah. The only way it's
gonna work for me is if you're
dressed like Dennis or Charlie.
282
00:14:57,964 --> 00:15:00,999
I should probably
dress like Charlie
'cause he's kinda my height.
283
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:04,235
No. No.
I'm gonna be Charlie.
You're gonna be Dennis.
284
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,438
That's gonna be much better
for me. Trust me. We'll dress
you up in his clothes.
285
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:12,076
That way we can slip you in
and out with ease 'cause
we gotta be very careful.
286
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,579
This could be a very,
very messy situation.
287
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:18,216
So I want you to stay
behind me. Get behind me
and stay behind me.
288
00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:19,484
No. I want to be
in front of you.
289
00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:22,387
No, no. You gotta be behind me.
I gotta have you behind me.
290
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:25,123
What the hell is that
all about, man?
I don't know.
291
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:28,660
Now from here on out,
I'm gonna refer to you
only as Dennis.
292
00:15:28,662 --> 00:15:32,397
When we slip in, you're gonna
start banging me... hard!
293
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:35,099
Okay.
[ Mac ]
Good.
294
00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:38,102
Well, Mac's gay.
295
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,605
[ Mac ]
Blood Brother 1 to Blood
Brother 2. Are you there?
296
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,440
Yeah, this is
Blood Brother 2.
Go ahead.
297
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:45,343
My mission's extremely
close to being complete.
But I need a favor.
298
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:48,413
I need you to get Frank
and Charlie away from
their apartment, okay?
299
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,715
I need to get in there
without being detected.
300
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:53,217
Blood Brother 1,
over and out!
301
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:56,387
Now he says "over and out."
I can't believe he just said
"over and out."
302
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,256
What do you think he wants
over at your apartment?
303
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:01,492
I don't know what's going
on with him.
Shit, I know what it is.
304
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,528
Oh. Oh. This is sick,
but hear me out.
305
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:08,266
I think he wants to be you
getting banged by me
in your apartment.
306
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:11,202
[ Groans ]
It's like role play!
307
00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:14,472
Oh, God.
He's got some sick, twisted
obsession with us, man.
308
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,306
He's totally obsessed with us.
309
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:18,042
That's why he's showing us all
those videos and trying to prove
to us he's a badass.
310
00:16:18,044 --> 00:16:21,212
He wants to impress us
because he's in love with us.
Oh, my God.
311
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:23,314
He's so in love with us.
Oh, my God.
312
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,083
Ew, dude!
This is twisted.
313
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:29,754
This is dark.
We definitely need to get
to the bottom of this.
314
00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,691
- Let's just find
a hiding spot, okay?
- Okay, good.
315
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:37,362
I'm thinking if I get
in the bed, and I get
real low and flat,
316
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:40,631
and maybe you're underneath me
or on top of me,
they won't see us.
317
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:44,002
How does that work?
Okay. Well, see,
here's the problem.
318
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:46,170
If I get all balled up
and small, I get too high,
319
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,373
and you'll see
that there's someone
in the bed.
320
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,475
Now the further
and wider I go,
321
00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:53,277
Uh-huh.
the flatter I become,
like a starfish, you know?
322
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:57,248
What in the hell are you
talking about? Why would we
want to look like a starfish?
323
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,283
It's just the best hiding spot.
I don't have a lot.
324
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:04,789
We need to find another one
'cause we're not hiding
in the bed.
325
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:10,528
These things are covered in
piss. All right, come on.
326
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,663
Come on!
Stay behind me.
Why are these jeans so tight?
327
00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:17,602
Because Dennis takes
them all in at the thighs
to accentuate his female form.
328
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:22,240
I would never say it
to his face, but Dennis
has great thighs.
329
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,208
All right.
Now let's stop talking
and start banging.
330
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:27,145
We busted you!
We busted you!
Caught! You are busted!
331
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:29,580
Oh, we're busted?
Because you look pretty busted.
332
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,283
Well, no.
This is the best way to hide
in my apartment.
333
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:35,186
Goddamn it, Charlie!
I knew we shouldn't have done
this in the bed!
334
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,521
Why did you have to get
on top of me?
335
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:40,191
That's the only way to hide
and have it not be noticeable
in my apartment!
336
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:42,560
There's nowhere
to hide in here!
What are you doing?
337
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:43,828
- What are you doing?
- Huh?
338
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:46,564
Coming in here talking about how
in love with my thighs you are.
339
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:50,601
Why isn't it my creamy thighs
you're after? I see you've
taken to wearing my clothes.
340
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:55,106
- You heard him talking about
my thighs when he came in.
- It was my thighs, dude.
341
00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,842
Were you guys humping
when we came in?
No!
342
00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,677
Oh, my God!
Where is the tape?
What?
343
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:03,448
- The sex tape that Frank made.
Where is it?
- Frank made a sex tape too?
344
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:09,620
Yes. Apparently he made a tape
of us having sex when I banged
him to get back at Dennis.
345
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,489
Oh! Oh, no.
That's gone.
346
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,557
Yeah, all right.
Here's what happened, guys.
347
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:16,661
I thought it was one of Mac's
Project Badass tapes, so I
pop it in the VCR to watch it.
348
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:20,731
I see what it is.
I become violently ill.
Then I start smashing.
349
00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:22,200
And I smash good.
350
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,502
So that's what
you were smashing.
Oh, my God, bro.
351
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:27,605
I thought you were smashing
my Project Badass tape
because you hated it.
352
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,441
What, dude?
I love Project Badass! I watch
those tapes all the time.
353
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:33,878
So the sex tape is gone then?
Yeah. I smashed the
crap out of it. Gone.
354
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,548
- Great. Good.
Thank you, Charlie. Thanks.
- You're welcome.
355
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,350
Kind of don't know
what else to say.
356
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:41,519
Say, "I will have dinner
with you and thank you
for this."
357
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,254
That doesn't make any sense.
Just say the words--
358
00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:45,656
I will never go out with you.
Oh, my God!
359
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:49,026
I will say them for you.
You should be more grateful!
360
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:50,495
Hey. Charlie, I'm sorry.
361
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:53,831
I was gonna bang the waitress
to get back at you because I
thought you smashed my tape.
362
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,267
I'm glad I didn't now, right,
'cause that chick is the worst.
363
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:58,736
Oh, yeah, man.
She's terrible. Gross.
Only got one star from me.
364
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:02,240
I saw that.
You're watching my tapes again?
What'd you think?
365
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:03,608
You got weird balls.
366
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:06,677
You should see Frank's balls.
They're like planets.
367
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:10,181
Ew.
You know what this all
makes me realize though?
368
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:14,252
Is that maybe the three of us
were meant to be best friends
together.
369
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,455
That would cause a lot less
problems if we just
called it even.
370
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:20,758
Said we're all best buds and
no more turning on each other.
371
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,962
You can have more
than one best friend, right?
Absolutely!
372
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,797
We're three best friends.
373
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:28,733
The three amigos.
Yeah!
374
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:30,635
All right!
The three, um--
375
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,770
Musketeers!
Blind mice!
376
00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:33,838
- The Three--
- Stooges.
377
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,208
I don't want to be
associated with those.
I want to get one.
378
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:38,809
There's another one out there.
379
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,178
- Move past it.
- I can't get it.
380
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,780
Let's put it behind us, guys.
Let's put it behind us.
381
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:46,717
And let's concentrate
on what's really important.
382
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:50,254
Hello. And welcome
to Project Badass,
volume 16.
383
00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:52,957
As you can see, the mattresses
are stacked three high,
384
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:57,461
creating a safe
but still amazingly
badass landing zone.
385
00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:58,930
I will now light the fuse...
386
00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:03,467
that is attached
to the pyrotechnics
all over my jacket and pants.
387
00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:05,603
Here goes.
388
00:20:08,006 --> 00:20:11,542
One, two, three.
Badass.
389
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:15,880
[ Man ]
♪ Here I go again on my own ♪
[ Groans ]
390
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,782
Wow.
Yeah!
391
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:18,916
[ Moaning ]
Hey, man.
392
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:22,286
Do you still get the feeling
he wants to bang us?
Oh, yeah. Definitely.
393
00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:24,288
That's what this
is all about, right?
I think so.
394
00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:26,724
I think so.
Oh, yeah.
395
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,859
[ Firecrackers Popping ]
396
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:32,730
[ Man ]
♪ I've made up my mind ♪
397
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:37,668
♪ I ain't wasting
no more time ♪
398
00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:43,341
♪ I'm just another heart
in need of rescue ♪
399
00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:48,613
♪ Waiting on love's
sweet charity ♪
400
00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:54,819
♪ And I'm gonna hold on
for the rest of my days ♪
401
00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:58,723
♪ 'Cause I know
what it means ♪♪
402
00:21:01,226 --> 00:21:04,762
[ Voices Speaking Backwards ]