1 00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:06,205 [ Mac ] Okay, it's 2:30 on a Wednesday. Philadelphia, P.A. 2 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,806 Hello, America. Mac here... 3 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:10,609 with another installment of Project Badass. 4 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:15,247 As you can see, the ramp is about 40 feet down there. 5 00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,783 I will now light the pyrotechnics... 6 00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:23,322 which are attached at the arms and back and all over my pants. 7 00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:26,258 Totally and completely badass. 8 00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,659 Here we go! 9 00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:30,462 Three, two, one. 10 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:34,233 [ Man ] ♪ Here I go again on my own ♪ 11 00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:36,835 - [ Mac Laughing ] - Ooh! 12 00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,170 Yeah! Oh, Jesus! 13 00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,472 You see what I was going for, right? How badass is that? 14 00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:43,542 You know what, man? I actually found that to be pretty goddamn entertaining. 15 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:46,712 I gotta be honest. You have more of those? I got a shitload of those. 16 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,680 Yeah? I've been working my ass off on these videos. 17 00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:52,284 Has Charlie seen these? I bet he would love 'em. I showed it to him. 18 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,218 Yeah? He acted like he liked it. 19 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:56,455 In fact, he even asked me to keep one of the videocassettes for multiple views. 20 00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:59,224 And then when I wasn't around, I saw him smashing one. 21 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,593 Smashing it? Dude, I don't know what his problem is, 22 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,829 but he's been completely pissing me off recently. 23 00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:07,199 I worked so hard on those tapes. Why? 24 00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:09,401 Hmm? Why? 25 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,871 To show how badass I am. [ Charlie ] Code red. Code red! 26 00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:16,608 Code red, guys! Guys, we got a code red on our hands! 27 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,177 What? [ Panting ] Oh, my God. Check it out. 28 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:22,748 Now according to my sources in the field, the waitress is seeing somebody. 29 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,350 Do you know who this guy is? No. I have no idea, man. 30 00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:28,754 I just got, like, a shady readout on the guy. Look, I tell you what, Mac. 31 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:32,124 Seeing how you're my best friend, maybe you can look into it for me. 32 00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:36,128 Go down there. Snoop around the shop. Can I stop you for a second? 33 00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,429 I'm sorry. I'm a little confused here. 34 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:41,266 You just said he was your best friend? How is he your best friend over me? 35 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:44,670 Well, I mean... you banged the waitress. 36 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:49,141 Do I even have to explain that to you? That kind of rubbed me the wrong way, dude. 37 00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,209 Okay. I mean, you know, 38 00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:53,745 I don't see how that should factor into whether we're best friends or not. 39 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,981 To be honest with you, man, I'm a little shocked. 40 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,183 I'm kinda-- I'm thunderstruck. 41 00:01:58,185 --> 00:02:00,285 Oh, well, I'm sorry, man. But I didn't mean to hurt you. 42 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:03,222 I didn't mean to thunderstrike you. But I don't know what to tell you. 43 00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:08,527 I need for you to explain to me how it is that you consider Mac to be a better friend to you. 44 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:10,796 This is just becoming awkward when I have a real problem! 45 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,564 All of a sudden it's about some weird feelings thing! 46 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:16,468 It's not about your feelings now! It's about my feelings 'cause I have a problem. 47 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:19,905 Mac, please, do you think you can find this guy and kick his ass for me? 48 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,875 Absolutely, bro. I will find this guy and I will kick his ass. 49 00:02:22,877 --> 00:02:27,045 You know why? Because you and I are best friends. 50 00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,515 [ Doorbell Rings ] 51 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,650 He's onto us. 52 00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:03,782 [ Doorbell Buzzes ] 53 00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:06,451 Hey, hey! Hey. 54 00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:08,020 Hey, what's up, buddy? How are ya? ÷ ÷Good. 55 00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,622 So, look, I'm only gonna be here a night or two... 56 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,558 until Mac and I take care of a little business. 57 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,494 You stay as long as you want to, man, 'cause that's what friends do. 58 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:19,498 They let each other stay at each other's apartments. They hang out with each other. 59 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,466 Absolutely. And we can do that. Do some bonding. 60 00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:24,836 Maybe go over the best friend thing a couple more times. Uh, bro. 61 00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:27,239 Where are you going with that? 62 00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:31,577 Well, I was gonna throw your sleeping bag in my room 'cause you can stay with me. 63 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:35,714 Ooh, yeah. Uh, I was gonna stay in Mac's room. 64 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,717 Oh, I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Hey, my room's a lot bigger. 65 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,720 I'm just gonna stick with the plan here. Oh, okay. 66 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:47,492 Listen, man, since you're here and you got all this beer, let's crack a couple of 'em open. 67 00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:52,331 Let's get tipsy. Yeah, but the beer is for me and Mac. You know? 68 00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:55,734 It doesn't have to be, though. Celebrate the ass kicking. 69 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:59,805 Well, I mean, there's 24 beers there if I'm counting right. 70 00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:02,007 Twelve for me and 12 for Mac. Twelve for Mac. 71 00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,542 That's sort of our thing that we do. 72 00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:06,878 You guys are really gonna drink that many? Just the two of you? 73 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:07,980 Tonight? Yeah. 74 00:04:07,982 --> 00:04:11,383 We could do something else. Let's do something else! Hey, board games, man! 75 00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:14,419 Let's have a board game night. Chinese checkers. 76 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:17,389 That's kinda foreign to me. I got-- I got Clue. 77 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:21,393 We could solve a mystery together. Complicated stuff there. 78 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,462 What about Connect Four? Connect Four's a fun game. 79 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:26,531 Lot of counting. It's not that much counting. 80 00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,867 It's just one, two, three, and then four you win. 81 00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,370 But a lot of times you gotta count that much. 82 00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:34,740 Not that many times. If you get it once, you've won the game. 83 00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:39,611 So, you're kinda in-- Have you ever spent any-- 84 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,981 I'm in your way. I'm in your way. My way. 85 00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:46,685 Yeah. Cool. 86 00:04:48,388 --> 00:04:52,858 Uh, hey, let's watch a movie. That's simple. That doesn't require any-- 87 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:56,795 We can just sit down and like watch-- I bought a bunch of new DVDs. 88 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,665 Yeah, I got a lot of work to do. 89 00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,400 Whoa! What are you-- What is that? 90 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:05,437 Oh, nothing. I just got a couple long-range walkie-talkies. 91 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:09,541 Oh, cool. Did you get one for me? Uh-- 92 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:13,312 I... did... not. 93 00:05:13,913 --> 00:05:17,883 Look, that's all right. I mean, we could probably just-- [ Beeps ] 94 00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:21,153 Who has-- Who has the other one? 95 00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:23,789 [ Beeps ] Mac probably. 96 00:05:29,629 --> 00:05:32,798 - All right, let's do this. - What are you doing? 97 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,599 Popping my pants off. Why? 98 00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:35,367 Because we're gonna bang. 99 00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:39,137 Shove it in Charlie's face for smashing my tape. How many times do we have to go through this? 100 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,839 Dude, look. I know what your little plan is. 101 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,575 But if I am going to bang you, it's gonna be on my own terms, okay? 102 00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,777 There's some things that I need from you. [ Grunts ] 103 00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:48,447 All right, whatever. I'll wear the goddamn condom. But I am not psyched about it. 104 00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:53,418 This isn't about condoms! Do you really not wear condoms when you have sex with strangers? 105 00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:54,753 Why would I wear a condom if I-- Okay, I don't care. 106 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:59,624 I just need you to get me in Dennis's house alone so I can get something back from him. 107 00:05:59,626 --> 00:06:01,727 What? None of your business. 108 00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,862 Is it a sex tape? No. 109 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,932 Yes. How do you know that? Because he videotapes every chick he bangs. 110 00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,134 He's got, like, a thousand of them. I don't like 'em though. 111 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,837 It's mostly that horrible angle that you see in porns, 112 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:15,807 where it's all balls and male ass just-- 113 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:19,411 That is disgusting. Who likes that? Who finds that sexy? 114 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:22,114 Are there balls and asshole men that like-- Please stop doing that. 115 00:06:22,116 --> 00:06:24,783 [ Charlie ] Best Friend 1 to Best Friend 2, come in. Over. 116 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,184 Eesh. I'm gonna take this. 117 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:30,756 Then maybe later we can do some hand stuff. Are you in junior high? 118 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:31,990 Mouth stuff? Oh, my God. 119 00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:34,259 Mouth stuff. Best Friend 1 to Best Friend 2, come in. 120 00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:38,997 - Hey, buddy. What's up? - What's the status? You make contact with the target? 121 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:44,069 Yeah. Affirmative. I totally kicked his ass. Good, man! 122 00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,805 Hey, what was this jerk's name? 123 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,940 His name? Um-- 124 00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:52,477 Don. Don. Typical. 125 00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:54,780 You get a last name on this chump? 126 00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:56,181 Yeah. Johnson. 127 00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:57,682 Yeah. Sounds like a real sucker. 128 00:06:57,684 --> 00:07:02,020 Actually, no. He had some pretty sweet moves. But I totally roundhoused him. 129 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:05,957 Took him out. My form was pretty perfect. I'm sure you did. 130 00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:08,427 I'm sure you did. That's my man. That's my best friend right there. 131 00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:14,933 Why don't you head back to the nest for some pizza and beer. Best Friend 1, over and out. 132 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,002 [ Static Humming ] 133 00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,838 He forgot to say "over and out." I can't believe that. 134 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,974 - He's lying. - Huh? 135 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,911 He's spinning you a web of lies, Charlie. 136 00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:28,647 What are you talking about, dude? 137 00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,782 Don Johnson? 138 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,518 You don't find that a little suspicious? 139 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,220 No. Should I? 140 00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:39,925 Don Johnson's the dude from Miami Vice, Charlie. 141 00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:44,262 I'm sure there's plenty of Don Johnsons running around Philly, dude. 142 00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,163 I don't think so. 143 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,999 Then maybe he beat up the Don Johnson you're talking about. 144 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:51,903 No, it's something else. Something stinks here, bro. 145 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,573 And it is not just Mac's dirty socks. 146 00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,741 - They do stink, don't they? - They smell really bad. 147 00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:59,711 Really bad! I'm surprised you've been able to be in here for this long... 148 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,346 without cracking a window or something. It has not been easy. 149 00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:05,317 I should crack a window. I tried. It's like they're sealed shut or something. 150 00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:11,156 I hate to say this, bro, but I think Mac's banging the waitress. 151 00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,992 What are you talking about? Hey, hey, hey. 152 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,094 I can't say for sure. I don't have any hard evidence. 153 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:19,231 But that's just what it feels like from where I'm standing, man. 154 00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:21,633 And he's gonna break your heart, man. 155 00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:22,968 And when he breaks your heart, 156 00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:27,305 I'll be here to pick up the pieces and put you back together. 157 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:31,877 'Cause that's what a real best friend does. 158 00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:36,615 You know where to find me. 159 00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,951 Over and out. 160 00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:45,724 Oh, my God. 161 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,303 Jesus Christ, dude. You scared the shit out of me. 162 00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,872 [ Slurring ] A little late, isn't it? 163 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:05,544 Uh, yeah. Yeah. What are you still doing up? 164 00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:11,650 Oh, well, you know, I was just waiting for my-- 165 00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,118 my best friend. 166 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:17,789 Right. Well, um, I went on a long walk. 167 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,324 Hey, here's an idea for you. 168 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:24,696 How about you take your mind off of it with some pizza... 169 00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,831 and some beer. 170 00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:29,200 Oh, that's right. 171 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,270 I ate all the pizza and I drank all the beer. 172 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:36,207 You must be wasted, dude. Twenty-four beers by yourself? 173 00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:38,076 And... I'm very wasted. 174 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,812 Right. Okay. Why don't you come to bed, bro? 175 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:45,684 Oh, I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping in your bed tonight. 176 00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:48,219 Doesn't really feel right. 177 00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:52,724 I feel like it might be a little bit better for me... 178 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:55,193 if I spent the night on the couch. 179 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,629 Okay. That's cool. Just make sure you go to the bathroom... 180 00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:01,166 before you fall asleep 'cause I don't want you to piss on the couch again. 181 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:05,003 Oh, well, we wouldn't want that now, would we? 182 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,371 No, we wouldn't. 183 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:11,810 'Cause that would be a terrible thing to do. 184 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,111 Terrible and-- 185 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,280 Seriously, bro, if you piss on the couch again, you're gonna buy us-- 186 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:18,783 - I'm not gonna piss-- - You're buying us a new one if you piss on the couch. 187 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,286 - I can control myself. - Just don't piss on the couch. 188 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:27,359 - You've done it before. All right, good night. - I can control myself. 189 00:10:30,896 --> 00:10:32,731 Hmm. 190 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,867 Didn't sound like best friend talk out here to me. 191 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:39,404 No, it-- it really wasn't. 192 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:43,274 Hmm. You want to come in my room? 193 00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:46,478 I think that sounds just fine. 194 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,248 Come on, Charlie. Come to your real best friend. 195 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,084 Yeah. You're my friend. I'm your friend. 196 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:57,088 Oh, my God! Your breath is horrible. Sorry. I'm like so drunk. 197 00:10:57,090 --> 00:11:00,792 Oh, Jesus. Just get in the bed. 198 00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,662 Oh, my God. 199 00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:07,065 [ Charlie Snoring ] 200 00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:10,135 [ Whispers ] Dennis? 201 00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,037 Dennis, wake up. 202 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,705 Wake up. [ Grunts ] 203 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:16,441 What time is it? Shh. It's really late, dude. 204 00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:19,010 There's a certain situation developing between myself, 205 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:23,048 Charlie, and the waitress that I need to talk to you about. 206 00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:24,115 Proceed. Okay. 207 00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:28,386 Well, as you know, Charlie thinks that he and I are best friends, 208 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:29,154 which is total bullshit. 209 00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:33,091 Because you know that what we have is much stronger than that. You and I are blood brothers. 210 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:37,462 Oh, most definitely. So as my blood brother, I need to confide a secret to you. 211 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,664 You've been banging the waitress? How'd you know that? 212 00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:43,168 You're my blood brother, man. I know more about you than you know about yourself. 213 00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:45,470 Listen, bro. I need you to do me a favor. 214 00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:48,940 Can you get Charlie out of the apartment tomorrow? Why? 215 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:51,976 'Cause she wants to bang in your bed. I don't know. 216 00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:54,813 She's obsessed with you or something. She's a total freak. 217 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:55,980 I don't give a shit either way... 218 00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:58,950 because I want to rub it in Charlie's face for smashing my Project Badass tape. 219 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,920 Whatever it's gonna take to finally get you two banging. Yeah. 220 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:05,256 Dennis, I got you something. You got me something? 221 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:08,059 What? I got you a walkie-talkie. 222 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,828 Dude, that's great. 223 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:13,932 That way we can communicate better. We'll use a different channel than Charlie and I use. 224 00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:16,267 That's awesome, man. Yeah, it's good, right? 225 00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:18,803 Thank you. [ Laughs ] 226 00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:21,206 [ Grunts ] Shh, shh. 227 00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,842 Well-- 228 00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:26,778 Hey. Hey, Charlie. 229 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:29,380 Well, what is this? 230 00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:31,249 Uh-- 231 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,383 What am I seeing? 232 00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:36,554 Nothing, man. You're having a dream right now. Yeah. Just a dream. 233 00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,389 I'm dreaming? Yep. 234 00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:40,125 Yeah, dreaming. Yep. 235 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,227 You sure? 'Cause I feel like I'm awake. 236 00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:46,231 No, man. You're-- This is a dream that you're having. 237 00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:49,300 All right. Am I peeing? [ Liquid Streaming ] 238 00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:51,336 Are you peeing? Oh! He's pissing all over the bed! 239 00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:54,372 He's peeing! I told him he was gonna do it! He drank too much! 240 00:12:54,374 --> 00:13:00,011 Goddamn it! Hey, guys, if I'm peeing, wake me up. 241 00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:04,916 Yeah, bro. But that had to change your mind about who your real best friend is though. 242 00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:08,419 I'll give you this much, dude. The guy's acting very weird, okay? 243 00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:11,389 But I need proof if I'm gonna sell him down the river. 244 00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:13,358 Proof? He told me he was gonna bang her, man. 245 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,261 Maybe the two of you are plotting against me. Look, it doesn't matter. 246 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,930 I got a plan to prove it to you, anyway. What's this plan of yours? 247 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:23,034 Walk with me. I planted that walkie-talkie that Mac gave me in my bedroom. 248 00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:25,970 We're gonna switch your walkie to that channel and we're gonna listen to the whole thing. 249 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,506 We're gonna catch that son of a bitch red-handed. Oh, my God. That'll work. 250 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,109 Yeah, it's gonna work. And the whole thing's gonna be on tape too. 251 00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:34,345 You know that video camera I keep in my bedroom? No. 252 00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:39,117 I got that bad boy running 24/7. It's like a security cam. Except it's for banging. 253 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,786 Weird. Come to the office with me. 254 00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:45,990 Yeah, he keeps that camera running nonstop, just in case. 255 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,392 Yeah! Here we go. "W" through "Z"! 256 00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:51,496 - You should be under "W," yeah? - No. My name doesn't start with a "W." 257 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,998 "Waitress." Here we go. "Waitress, coffee shop." 258 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,701 One star. Not good. Oh, just give that to me. 259 00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:59,904 One star. Okay. Well, I guess a deal's a deal. 260 00:13:59,906 --> 00:14:01,873 So pop those knickers off so we can jam. 261 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,042 Not just yet. I need one more thing from you. 262 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:07,045 Jesus Christ. I just want to bang at this point just to get it over with. 263 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:11,349 I want to get it over with too, but I want you to bang me at Charlie and Frank's apartment. 264 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,985 You want to bang in Charlie and Frank's apartment? Yes. 265 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:17,522 Yeah, that'll be good. We can rub his face in it. Oh, yeah. 266 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,190 If we're gonna do that, we gotta be very careful. 267 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:22,961 'Cause I don't want to get caught slipping in and out before the coitus. 268 00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:24,529 Let's make a plan. Okay. 269 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:27,232 Goddamn it. This doesn't make any sense. We should be hearing them by now. 270 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:30,001 - Why aren't we hearing them? - 'Cause I turned it off. 271 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:33,304 What do you mean you turned it off? I don't want to listen to this! 272 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,540 You gotta listen to it, Charlie. I don't think I can. 273 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:36,674 You need to hear him sexing her... 274 00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,977 because the video alone won't be evidence enough because of the angle. 275 00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:43,248 What's wrong with the angle? Let's put it this way. You won't be able to see anybody's face. 276 00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,450 Oh, it's the lowdown-- You got it. 277 00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:46,251 That's a-- I know. 278 00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:49,387 [ Mac Over Radio ] If we're gonna do this, the only way it's gonna work... 279 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:53,124 is if you're dressed like a man. Dressed like a man? 280 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,225 [ Waitress ] You want me to dress like a man? 281 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:57,962 Yeah. The only way it's gonna work for me is if you're dressed like Dennis or Charlie. 282 00:14:57,964 --> 00:15:00,999 I should probably dress like Charlie 'cause he's kinda my height. 283 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:04,235 No. No. I'm gonna be Charlie. You're gonna be Dennis. 284 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,438 That's gonna be much better for me. Trust me. We'll dress you up in his clothes. 285 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:12,076 That way we can slip you in and out with ease 'cause we gotta be very careful. 286 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,579 This could be a very, very messy situation. 287 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:18,216 So I want you to stay behind me. Get behind me and stay behind me. 288 00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:19,484 No. I want to be in front of you. 289 00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:22,387 No, no. You gotta be behind me. I gotta have you behind me. 290 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:25,123 What the hell is that all about, man? I don't know. 291 00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:28,660 Now from here on out, I'm gonna refer to you only as Dennis. 292 00:15:28,662 --> 00:15:32,397 When we slip in, you're gonna start banging me... hard! 293 00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:35,099 Okay. [ Mac ] Good. 294 00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:38,102 Well, Mac's gay. 295 00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,605 [ Mac ] Blood Brother 1 to Blood Brother 2. Are you there? 296 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,440 Yeah, this is Blood Brother 2. Go ahead. 297 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:45,343 My mission's extremely close to being complete. But I need a favor. 298 00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:48,413 I need you to get Frank and Charlie away from their apartment, okay? 299 00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,715 I need to get in there without being detected. 300 00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:53,217 Blood Brother 1, over and out! 301 00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:56,387 Now he says "over and out." I can't believe he just said "over and out." 302 00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,256 What do you think he wants over at your apartment? 303 00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:01,492 I don't know what's going on with him. Shit, I know what it is. 304 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,528 Oh. Oh. This is sick, but hear me out. 305 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:08,266 I think he wants to be you getting banged by me in your apartment. 306 00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:11,202 [ Groans ] It's like role play! 307 00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:14,472 Oh, God. He's got some sick, twisted obsession with us, man. 308 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,306 He's totally obsessed with us. 309 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:18,042 That's why he's showing us all those videos and trying to prove to us he's a badass. 310 00:16:18,044 --> 00:16:21,212 He wants to impress us because he's in love with us. Oh, my God. 311 00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:23,314 He's so in love with us. Oh, my God. 312 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,083 Ew, dude! This is twisted. 313 00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:29,754 This is dark. We definitely need to get to the bottom of this. 314 00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,691 - Let's just find a hiding spot, okay? - Okay, good. 315 00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:37,362 I'm thinking if I get in the bed, and I get real low and flat, 316 00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:40,631 and maybe you're underneath me or on top of me, they won't see us. 317 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:44,002 How does that work? Okay. Well, see, here's the problem. 318 00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:46,170 If I get all balled up and small, I get too high, 319 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,373 and you'll see that there's someone in the bed. 320 00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,475 Now the further and wider I go, 321 00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:53,277 Uh-huh. the flatter I become, like a starfish, you know? 322 00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:57,248 What in the hell are you talking about? Why would we want to look like a starfish? 323 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,283 It's just the best hiding spot. I don't have a lot. 324 00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:04,789 We need to find another one 'cause we're not hiding in the bed. 325 00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:10,528 These things are covered in piss. All right, come on. 326 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,663 Come on! Stay behind me. Why are these jeans so tight? 327 00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:17,602 Because Dennis takes them all in at the thighs to accentuate his female form. 328 00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:22,240 I would never say it to his face, but Dennis has great thighs. 329 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,208 All right. Now let's stop talking and start banging. 330 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:27,145 We busted you! We busted you! Caught! You are busted! 331 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:29,580 Oh, we're busted? Because you look pretty busted. 332 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,283 Well, no. This is the best way to hide in my apartment. 333 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:35,186 Goddamn it, Charlie! I knew we shouldn't have done this in the bed! 334 00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,521 Why did you have to get on top of me? 335 00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:40,191 That's the only way to hide and have it not be noticeable in my apartment! 336 00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:42,560 There's nowhere to hide in here! What are you doing? 337 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:43,828 - What are you doing? - Huh? 338 00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:46,564 Coming in here talking about how in love with my thighs you are. 339 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:50,601 Why isn't it my creamy thighs you're after? I see you've taken to wearing my clothes. 340 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:55,106 - You heard him talking about my thighs when he came in. - It was my thighs, dude. 341 00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,842 Were you guys humping when we came in? No! 342 00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,677 Oh, my God! Where is the tape? What? 343 00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:03,448 - The sex tape that Frank made. Where is it? - Frank made a sex tape too? 344 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:09,620 Yes. Apparently he made a tape of us having sex when I banged him to get back at Dennis. 345 00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,489 Oh! Oh, no. That's gone. 346 00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,557 Yeah, all right. Here's what happened, guys. 347 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:16,661 I thought it was one of Mac's Project Badass tapes, so I pop it in the VCR to watch it. 348 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:20,731 I see what it is. I become violently ill. Then I start smashing. 349 00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:22,200 And I smash good. 350 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,502 So that's what you were smashing. Oh, my God, bro. 351 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:27,605 I thought you were smashing my Project Badass tape because you hated it. 352 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,441 What, dude? I love Project Badass! I watch those tapes all the time. 353 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:33,878 So the sex tape is gone then? Yeah. I smashed the crap out of it. Gone. 354 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,548 - Great. Good. Thank you, Charlie. Thanks. - You're welcome. 355 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,350 Kind of don't know what else to say. 356 00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:41,519 Say, "I will have dinner with you and thank you for this." 357 00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,254 That doesn't make any sense. Just say the words-- 358 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:45,656 I will never go out with you. Oh, my God! 359 00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:49,026 I will say them for you. You should be more grateful! 360 00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:50,495 Hey. Charlie, I'm sorry. 361 00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:53,831 I was gonna bang the waitress to get back at you because I thought you smashed my tape. 362 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,267 I'm glad I didn't now, right, 'cause that chick is the worst. 363 00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:58,736 Oh, yeah, man. She's terrible. Gross. Only got one star from me. 364 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:02,240 I saw that. You're watching my tapes again? What'd you think? 365 00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:03,608 You got weird balls. 366 00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:06,677 You should see Frank's balls. They're like planets. 367 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:10,181 Ew. You know what this all makes me realize though? 368 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:14,252 Is that maybe the three of us were meant to be best friends together. 369 00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,455 That would cause a lot less problems if we just called it even. 370 00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:20,758 Said we're all best buds and no more turning on each other. 371 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,962 You can have more than one best friend, right? Absolutely! 372 00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,797 We're three best friends. 373 00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:28,733 The three amigos. Yeah! 374 00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:30,635 All right! The three, um-- 375 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,770 Musketeers! Blind mice! 376 00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:33,838 - The Three-- - Stooges. 377 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,208 I don't want to be associated with those. I want to get one. 378 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:38,809 There's another one out there. 379 00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,178 - Move past it. - I can't get it. 380 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,780 Let's put it behind us, guys. Let's put it behind us. 381 00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:46,717 And let's concentrate on what's really important. 382 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:50,254 Hello. And welcome to Project Badass, volume 16. 383 00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:52,957 As you can see, the mattresses are stacked three high, 384 00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:57,461 creating a safe but still amazingly badass landing zone. 385 00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:58,930 I will now light the fuse... 386 00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:03,467 that is attached to the pyrotechnics all over my jacket and pants. 387 00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:05,603 Here goes. 388 00:20:08,006 --> 00:20:11,542 One, two, three. Badass. 389 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:15,880 [ Man ] ♪ Here I go again on my own ♪ [ Groans ] 390 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,782 Wow. Yeah! 391 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:18,916 [ Moaning ] Hey, man. 392 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:22,286 Do you still get the feeling he wants to bang us? Oh, yeah. Definitely. 393 00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:24,288 That's what this is all about, right? I think so. 394 00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:26,724 I think so. Oh, yeah. 395 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,859 [ Firecrackers Popping ] 396 00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:32,730 [ Man ] ♪ I've made up my mind ♪ 397 00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:37,668 ♪ I ain't wasting no more time ♪ 398 00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:43,341 ♪ I'm just another heart in need of rescue ♪ 399 00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:48,613 ♪ Waiting on love's sweet charity ♪ 400 00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:54,819 ♪ And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days ♪ 401 00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:58,723 ♪ 'Cause I know what it means ♪♪ 402 00:21:01,226 --> 00:21:04,762 [ Voices Speaking Backwards ]