1
00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:03,435
[ Dee ]
Hey, guys, what are you
doing tonight?
2
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:04,670
[ Dennis ] What kind
of question is that?
3
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,072
[ Mac ] You're asking us
to predict the future Dee.
4
00:00:07,074 --> 00:00:08,607
How can I predict
the future?
5
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,142
There's a new martini bar
opening up downtown.
6
00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:12,211
I thought maybe we could do
something different tonight.
7
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,113
Jesus.
Where is this shit
coming from?
8
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,981
She just watched that stupid
Sex and the City movie.
9
00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:19,284
Oh, my God.
When will that show die?
Never, apparently.
10
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,621
Dee, you tried this shit
30 years ago when that show
first came on the air.
11
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,656
Nobody wants to play
Sex and the City
with you.
12
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:27,726
Come on, Charlie!
You know you did it!
Fess up!
13
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:29,261
I did not poop the bed!
14
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,497
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Rewind.
What?
15
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:34,933
I'm sorry. Did you
say something about
pooping in a bed?
16
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:37,736
Yeah! There was some poop
in our bed this morning.
17
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,671
- Oh, Jesus.
- And Charlie did it!
18
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,273
That is bullshit!
Charlie--
19
00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:42,541
Guys, hold on a second.
Relax.
20
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:43,709
Walk us through
what happened.
Nice and slow.
21
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:48,480
Yesterday, we wake up and
there's a piece of poop right
in the middle of me and Frank.
22
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,549
Wait a minute.
So this happened
two nights in a row?
23
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,385
Yeah, man! So we throw
the first piece of poop out.
24
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,820
Big deal, whatever.
Accidents happen, right?
25
00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:58,257
But this morning, there's
another piece of poop
in the exact same spot.
26
00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,392
Frank says it's not him.
I say it's not me.
27
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,794
But you bet your ass
it's one of us.
28
00:01:01,796 --> 00:01:05,798
This is a lot to handle.
The second poop-- you
held on to it, right?
29
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,666
- Brought it along.
- Oh, no.
30
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,168
Dee, we said we can't
predict the future.
31
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,203
How could we possibly have seen
something this awesome coming?
32
00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:13,939
We're gonna have to clear
our schedules. This is gonna
require a lot of attention.
33
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:18,377
You're not gonna go out with me
tonight 'cause these idiots
found two poopies in a bed?
34
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,512
Yeah, Dee.
But it's not the poop.
35
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:24,216
It's the mystery
behind the poop.
36
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:02,921
Hey, girlfriend!
Oh, my God!
You scared me!
37
00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:05,524
Did I? My bad.
Why did you jump out
from behind a car?
38
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,759
- Were you stalking me?
- Girlfriend, you're crazy.
39
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,595
- Stop calling me "girlfriend."
- So check it.
40
00:02:09,597 --> 00:02:11,864
Puttin' together a girls' night
out. I want you to come.
41
00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:15,033
Why would I ever go out
with you? I hate you.
42
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:18,470
I know. I hate you too.
That's how we girls are.
43
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,938
We're catty, we backstab...
44
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:22,941
and talk about each other
behind our backs and stalk.
45
00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:25,978
Don't you remember
how Samantha and Carrie
and the dykey redhead...
46
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,412
used to do that kind
of fun stuff?
47
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:30,782
I don't know who you're
talking about.
Sex and the City!
48
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:33,552
You are the worst.
I know you're gonna
be alone tonight.
49
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:36,622
I read all about it in
the notebook Charlie keeps
of your whereabouts.
50
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:38,957
You don't have any friends.
I have a ton of friends.
51
00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,959
Name one friend.
Frederick.
52
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,962
Frederick is your cat,
and he died three weeks ago.
It's all here in the notebook.
53
00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:46,732
Stop busting my balls,
and let's go meet some men.
Give me that notebook.
54
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:50,469
I'm not gonna
give you the notebook.
Don't reach for the notebook.
55
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:53,739
I'll give you the notebook
if you come out with me tonight.
56
00:02:55,642 --> 00:02:59,378
Fine.
Fun! See you tonight!
57
00:03:16,796 --> 00:03:18,463
You want me to do what?
58
00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:21,767
Well--
We want you to examine
our poopy.
59
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:23,769
We just want to know
who it came from.
That's it.
60
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:26,538
We don't presume to be
scientists. That's why
we brought it to you.
61
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,441
We assume there's some
kind of test you can run
with these machines.
62
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:30,943
Actually, you don't have
to do any tests,
63
00:03:30,945 --> 00:03:33,612
'cause I already know
it's Charlie's poop
and not mine.
64
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:36,615
Plus you have a hole
in the back of your pajamas.
65
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:39,751
It's not my poop!
You've been sleeping
in a giant dress shirt!
66
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,687
It probably fell out
of the bottom of it!
67
00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,622
We need to figure this out
before it tears us apart.
68
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,390
The only way for us
to get to the bottom
of this...
69
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,693
is for you
to tear that poop apart
and tell us what's inside.
70
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,061
Just take a look at it.
Get inside there.
71
00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:54,433
You want me to examine
a plastic container
full of feces?
72
00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:58,604
I feel like you were gonna say
something else right there,
and then you stopped. Right?
73
00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:01,440
- Please get out of my lab.
- That wasn't what he was
gonna say.
74
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:04,576
Why do you have to go there?
There's no reason
to be harsh.
75
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,111
[ Charlie ]
Tiny little simple poop test.
[ Frank ] Just look at it.
76
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:09,715
You just missed out on
an extraordinary adventure.
Let's get outta here.
77
00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,718
Yeah, there's other ways
to figure this out.
78
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,419
Pussy!
79
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,854
Yeah.
80
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,958
Hey. Hey.
81
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,860
Hey, you got a turd?
82
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:26,031
- Yeah. We got a turd.
- I'll take a look at it.
83
00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:31,770
Okay. Well,
it's definitely poop.
84
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,539
Uh, yeah.
We know that, guy.
85
00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:38,410
Whoever it was seems to have
been eating newspaper.
86
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:39,645
Well, now we're
getting somewhere.
87
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,747
Which one of you idiots was
eating a goddamn newspaper?
88
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,949
It's gonna go
both ways, dude.
Really?
89
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:44,983
Sorry. Yeah.
What else?
90
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,519
This appears to be a piece
of a credit card.
91
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:48,720
Shoot.
Inconclusive.
92
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,489
How is that not specific
to one of you?
93
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,058
I wish it was, man,
but that's inconclusive.
94
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:55,494
Oh, boy. There's a good deal
of blood in this stool.
95
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,796
Of course there is.
Whoever's it is
should see a doctor.
96
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,899
Don't give us judgments.
Just tell us what's in there.
97
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,668
What's in there?
What else?
98
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,436
This is wolf hair?
Wolf hair, mm-hmm.
99
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,937
Also inconclusive.
Jesus Christ!
100
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:08,640
- You knew there was wolf hair?
- There is so much wolf hair
in our apartment.
101
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:11,109
But why are you eating it?
It gets in everything.
102
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,745
Both of you are eating wolf?
We had a wolf
in our apartment.
103
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:17,482
Guys! This is getting us
nowhere. Can we move on
to the D.N.A. test?
104
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,818
Can you do
a D.N.A. test?
That's a good idea.
105
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,620
I can't do that.
What do you mean?
106
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:22,988
Aren't you
a scientist?
Yeah, do it.
107
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,757
No, I'm an econ major.
I just wanted to look
at some poop.
108
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,759
[ Guys Groaning ]
You're not a scientist?
109
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:31,630
I never said I was a scien--
Bro, you have wasted our time!
You have ruined our turd.
110
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:34,700
That's the only piece
of evidence we have.
Put it back together!
111
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:38,103
♪♪ [ Electronic Dance ]
112
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,740
Who is she again?
That's Artemis.
113
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,176
She's the sassy one who always
plays by her own rules.
114
00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:46,645
Those guys are playing
hard to get.
115
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:48,480
I'm gonna take off my bra,
blast my nips.
116
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:52,551
Let's hold on that.
I think what we need to do
is just talk and have fun.
117
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:54,052
Bring 'em to us,
you know?
Mm-hmm.
118
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,254
So, Artemis, where'd you
get that great top?
119
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:59,124
Burmington Coat Factory.
I got it on sale.
120
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,859
It's irregular.
121
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,929
Oh. Okay.
122
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:05,564
Excuse me. Hi.
123
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,666
Can we get three Cosmos,
please?
Make mine a water.
124
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,102
Water? We're in a bar.
I have a drinking problem.
125
00:06:10,104 --> 00:06:13,138
Wow. That's a horribly
unattractive thing
to announce to everybody.
126
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,841
I'd like a water, please.
She'll take a Cosmo, and she'll
just hold it in her hand.
127
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:19,778
That is a terrible idea.
That's a pretty good idea if you
want to get that notebook back.
128
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,748
Yeah, I'll take
a Jãgerbomb.
No. No Jãgerbombs.
129
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,716
Okay. Fine,
Irish car bomb.
No.
130
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:25,617
Sake bomb?
Okay, no!
131
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:28,520
Nothing with bombs
in the name. Okay?
Please, the Cosmos.
132
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:31,022
Go get the Cosmos.
Thanks a lot.
133
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:32,557
Goddamn it!
134
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:35,727
Hottie alert at 2:00.
Here they come.
135
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,262
Incoming.
Okay.
Let me do the talking.
136
00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:40,866
What's up, ladies?
Not much.
Just enjoying the view.
137
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,801
Name's Artemis.
138
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:46,138
I have a bleached asshole.
139
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:50,976
Okay, it's time to move on
to the reenactment
and dramatization.
140
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:54,045
- Jesus Christ, Frank.
You sleep in that?
- My legs get hot.
141
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:57,015
I definitely see how something
could've slipped out of there.
Absolutely.
142
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,384
That would've fallen right out
in the middle of the bed.
143
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:00,919
What about Charlie's hole?
What?
144
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,821
Just get into the bed
and show us how you sleep.
145
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,489
All right.
[ Mac ]
Thank you.
146
00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:08,827
Right off the bat, there's
a clear solution. Could've
prevented this entire thing.
147
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,595
You guys need
to get two beds!
148
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,331
Maybe I'll get two TVs
and two refrigerators.
149
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:16,768
Do we come to your house
and tell you how to sleep?
150
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,103
I sleep in a king-size bed
by myself.
151
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,071
When I have to go
to the bathroom,
I use a toilet.
152
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,641
Look at King Dennis
on his bed made for kings,
153
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,543
with his toilet
made out of gold!
154
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,344
Okay, guys!
Everybody calm down, please!
155
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:29,781
This is not about lifestyle.
This is not about judgments.
156
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:30,782
This is about truth, okay?
157
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:34,453
Charlie and Frank, show us
how you were positioned
the night of the incident.
158
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,655
Excuse me. Incidents.
[ Charlie ]
All right.
159
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:39,658
Well, I'm pretty sure
I was sleeping like this
that night.
160
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,326
So there's no way
it could've been me.
161
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:44,296
Charlie,
we sleep ass to ass.
You know that.
162
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:47,666
Oh, great.
Okay, clearly we're having
a problem with honesty here.
163
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:48,767
Turn around.
Dennis, a word.
164
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:53,238
I hate to say it, bro,
but I think we're gonna have
to do an overnight observation.
165
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:57,342
To be honest, I wouldn't mind
seeing how this whole situation
really works.
166
00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,845
It's fascinating.
167
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,815
You're--
[ Mutters ]
168
00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:07,018
[ Cats Meowing ]
169
00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:12,924
Well, this just gets weirder
and weirder, man.
170
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,192
Yeah.
[ Muffled Fart ]
171
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:17,095
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Anything? Hey?
172
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,997
Uh, no, nothin'.
False alarm.
173
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:22,167
Damn it, dude. We can't
keep doing this all night.
Oh, I know.
174
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,803
You know what?
Why don't we sleep
in shifts?
175
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:26,371
I'm not saying
this isn't important work.
176
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,907
But I can't keep
my eyes open, man.
I hear you. I hear you.
177
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,209
I'll tell you what.
You go ahead and go first.
178
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,777
I still got
a little energy left.
179
00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:35,680
I don't know about this floor.
It's covered in sand
or something.
180
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,883
It smells like some
kind of spice blend
or pesticide...
181
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,218
or some other kind
of sandy poison
or something.
182
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,087
I wouldn't sleep
on the floor though.
183
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:44,089
I gotta sleep with them?
You gotta.
You gotta.
184
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:47,058
Are you sure
you're all right?
I'm fine. I got it.
185
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,793
You sure?
Yeah, I'm good.
186
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,962
I'm just gonna sleep
for, like, 15 minutes.
187
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,999
And then you wake me up,
and we'll switch it off.
188
00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:56,768
You good?
I'm fine.
189
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,370
Oh, gosh.
190
00:08:58,372 --> 00:09:01,640
[ Snoring ]
191
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:06,344
[ Birds Twittering ]
[ All Snoring ]
192
00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:10,048
[ Sniffing ]
193
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:14,219
[ Gasping ]
194
00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:19,991
My God!
195
00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:29,067
If we're going to be meeting
sophisticated men, we need
to start acting with class.
196
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:32,103
We cannot be telling people
that we have bleached assholes.
197
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:34,205
He was gonna find out
anyway.
Oh, my God.
198
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:37,242
And you, you shouldn't be
drinking in a shoe store.
199
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,411
You shouldn't be drinking
in a shoe store.
200
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,012
What is the matter with you?
I told you to pace yourself.
201
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:45,083
I have a drinking problem.
Then you should know how to hold
your booze a little better.
202
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,986
I'll hold your boobs
a little better.
Oh, good one.
203
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:51,122
- Ladies, can I help you?
- Hello. We are here
for the Manolos.
204
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,891
And what's
your shoe size?
Thirteen.
205
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:56,294
Oh, my. Uh, we don't
carry shoes that large.
206
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:59,431
Perhaps you'd like to try
the "big and tall" store
down the street?
207
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:04,869
You know what?
I don't like
this bitch's attitude.
208
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:06,037
Hmm.
Oh!
209
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:06,738
[ Glass Breaks ]
210
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:10,241
Did she just try and break
a bottle over my head?
211
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:11,876
No. Of course
she didn't.
212
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,979
Girls,
I'll meet you outside.
213
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:15,347
Huh?
Get her.
214
00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:16,381
Oh. Hey.
215
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,383
[ Straining ]
Okay.
216
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:22,487
Just the littlest bit
snug, aren't they?
217
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:24,189
Uh! There we go.
218
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,324
Cute though, huh?
How much?
219
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,793
700.
700. Yes.
220
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,362
I tell you what.
You pay for quality.
221
00:10:30,364 --> 00:10:33,098
There's so much crap
out there these days.
222
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:37,435
Man, I am excited to bust
my dogs out in these tonight.
223
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:38,503
We're going
to a French restaurant.
224
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:42,941
Le Bistro. It's five star.
I don't know if you've
been to it. Probably not.
225
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,876
Sounds great,
but this has been declined.
226
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,845
Declined?
You're kidding me.
227
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,480
[ Sighs ]
It makes me so mad.
228
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,916
You know,
the credit card companies--
the way they waste your time.
229
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:54,486
Probably protecting me.
I spent a lot of money
today.
230
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:57,355
Try that one.
Uh-huh.
231
00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,257
Excuse me!
232
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:03,028
Oh!
[ Car Alarm Shrieking ]
233
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:05,330
[ Groaning ]
234
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,931
[ Dee ]
Oh, God.
235
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:10,168
[ Alarm Continues ]
Did it not go through?
236
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:15,140
What motive
could a man possibly have
for pooping where he sleeps?
237
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,776
- I love that bed.
- Don't buy this act.
238
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:20,512
I will jam that poop
right back up your ass
where it came from!
239
00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:22,514
- You know I--
- Guys, guys, guys!
240
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:25,784
Clearly, we're exhausted
and full of emotion.
241
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,318
But we should not be
threatening each other...
242
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,988
with jamming feces into
each other's assholes, okay?
243
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:31,489
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
244
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,825
What if we had them
produce another sample...
245
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,960
and we cross-reference
the samples?
246
00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:39,531
They'd have to do it
in front of us so that
there's no foul play.
247
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:40,999
Yeah.
248
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,968
I can't go now.
Really?
249
00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,970
I could probably
squeeze something out.
250
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:49,474
I'll get some newspaper.
This is exciting.
This is very exciting.
251
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,843
[ Dee ]
Why, of all places,
are we here?
252
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,112
Because it's your bar,
and we're gonna drink
for free.
253
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:56,047
Damn it, Waitress.
That is not what I wanted.
254
00:11:56,049 --> 00:12:00,085
How-- How do you still
not know what my name is?
Oh, I'm sorry.
255
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,054
I'm supposed to be expected
to remember everyone's name
at all moments of the day.
256
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:06,558
Oh, my God.
This is the opposite of where
we're supposed to be.
257
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,293
[ Straining ]
258
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:09,894
[ Mac ]
I see it. It's comin'.
259
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,463
It's-- Oh!
Whoa!
[ Dennis, Mac, Groan ]
260
00:12:11,465 --> 00:12:14,532
Dee! We were
just on the verge
of a major breakthrough!
261
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:16,401
He was turtle-heading!
Turtle-heading!
262
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,569
There was no turtles
anywhere.
263
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:20,472
Were you just pooping
on the floor?
No, I was not.
264
00:12:20,474 --> 00:12:23,108
That was an endurance contest,
which I won, by the way.
265
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,176
You're paying for that.
She doesn't have
to pay for that.
266
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:26,244
Yes, she does.
Bite me, asshole.
267
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,846
You have a bad attitude
when you're drinking.
268
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:32,383
You have a bad attitude
when you're drinking,
you huge-footed slut.
269
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:35,153
You know what? I'm just
gonna go get more wasted,
270
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:36,921
and then I'm gonna bang
some random dude.
271
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:40,325
- Could it be this guy?
- No, it can't.
But it could be Dennis.
272
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,227
- Pass.
- Whatever.
273
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:46,097
You know what?
I'm gonna take this.
Whoa!
274
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,399
I'm gonna take this.
And I'll see
you assholes later.
275
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:50,368
That is my notebook.
Free coffee for a year.
276
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:52,137
Wait a second.
Where did she get
my note--
277
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,505
I have backups.
It's cool.
What is with her?
278
00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:56,674
Something about drinking.
She just won't stop
talking about it.
279
00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:57,709
What's with the plates
of shit?
280
00:12:57,711 --> 00:12:59,911
Somebody pooped the bed.
Whatever. Let's get out of here.
281
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:02,380
We could use a fresh
set of eyes on this
if you don't mind.
282
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:06,951
No, thank you. I think
that Artemis and I have
much better things to do.
283
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,621
Uh, actually. I'm just
gonna stick around.
284
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,489
Excuse me?
Are you kidding me?
285
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:14,125
You know what? Forget it. Okay?
I'm gonna do this by myself.
286
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:18,029
I'm gonna go find some
classy, sophisticated people
who can hold their booze,
287
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,198
who don't talk about
their bleached assholes...
288
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,067
and who aren't obsessed
with poop.
289
00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:26,571
Okay. Bring me
up to speed here, boys.
290
00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:34,145
♪♪ [ Background: Vivaldi
The Four Seasons ]
291
00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:39,617
[ Clears Throat ]
This is an interesting piece.
292
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,486
Mmm. I love
his use of space.
293
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,122
The space-- that's what
I loved about it.
294
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:47,258
What do you think
the chunky earth tones
represent?
295
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,626
Uh--
296
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:51,496
Look at the rich texture,
the dimensions.
297
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,464
It's almost as if
you can smell it.
Oh, God.
298
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:57,535
This is the piece I was
telling you about.
It's unbelievable.
299
00:13:57,537 --> 00:14:01,339
It's so raw, so base,
so utterly human.
300
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,541
It's almost
as if it exploded
out of the artist.
301
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:07,145
[ Groans ]
Well, I think
it's crap.
302
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,081
[ Voice Echoing ]
Crap, crap, crap.
303
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,416
No!
304
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:12,217
[ Gasps ]
305
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:15,019
[ Voice Echoing ]
Crap, crap, crap.
306
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,155
Oh, no!
[ Gasping ]
307
00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:20,058
- Crap, crap, crap.
- No!
308
00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:23,394
No! No! No!
309
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,763
No. What--
Oh, God!
310
00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:28,399
Oh, God!
Why are you pooping?
311
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,034
[ Gasping ]
312
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:33,638
[ Screaming ]
313
00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:38,076
[ Thunderclap ]
314
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:41,713
You know what, guys?
Let's just wrap up the evidence
and start again fresh tomorrow.
315
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:44,649
You think it'll keep, or should
we put 'em in the fridge?
316
00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:47,285
Nah.
[ Sniffs ]
They'll keep fine.
317
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:50,221
[ Thunder Continues ]
318
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:53,625
Okay, you know what?
You guys win, all right?
319
00:14:53,627 --> 00:14:55,226
Are you happy?
Win what?
320
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:58,196
[ Guys Exclaiming ]
[ Charlie ]
Heart failure.
321
00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,598
[ Frank ]
Check the circuit breaker.
322
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,568
[ Screaming ]
323
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,270
Whoa!
Whoa!
324
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:07,005
Nobody move!
325
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,540
Everyone here
is a suspect.
326
00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:13,311
Put on another
pot of coffee.
327
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:16,381
It's gonna be
a long night.
328
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:20,518
[ Thunder Continues ]
329
00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:27,492
Four turds, five suspects,
330
00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:32,063
so many, many
nameless victims.
331
00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:37,535
The first poop
was obviously Frank.
332
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,570
Old and weak,
he had an accident.
333
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:42,373
That's why he was so intent
on destroying it.
334
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,509
There were many turds before
this, weren't there, Frank?
335
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:47,211
This was just the first time
you got caught, wasn't it?
336
00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:51,683
And then you went and did it
again the next night.
337
00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,518
Or did you?
338
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,620
Two poops in two nights?
339
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:58,489
Tall order
for such a short man.
340
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:03,561
No. The second poop
belonged to Charles.
341
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,563
He wanted to get back
at Frank,
342
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:07,265
but, due to his poor diet,
couldn't produce a turd.
343
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:13,338
So he called Mac, who jumped
at the chance to see Frank
humiliated one more time.
344
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:18,543
But Charlie overlooked the fact
that Dennis listens
to Mac's phone calls,
345
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:19,610
and he heard every word.
346
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:24,482
Dennis was jealous that Charlie
had chosen Mac to help
instead of him.
347
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,985
He swore to have his revenge.
348
00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:29,687
That's why he encouraged Mac
to sleep while he stayed up.
349
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:33,191
He was gonna put
the frame on Mac
by pooping next to him.
350
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:38,129
But he didn't realize
that a futon slept on
by the weight of three men...
351
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:42,367
would be off its axis
and slope to the center.
352
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,235
And like a small brown snail,
353
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,571
it crept to the middle...
354
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:50,208
between Charlie and Frank.
355
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:51,709
Deandra!
356
00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:55,780
You wanted in on this poop war
from the start.
No, I didn't.
357
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:58,416
The outcast, the slut,
358
00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:00,752
the bitch, the whore.
359
00:17:00,754 --> 00:17:03,254
The lonely, sad,
slutty, bitchy whore.
360
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:06,491
You sat on the sidelines
while these four titans
battled it out.
361
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:10,695
You were jealous
that a few pieces of poop
got more attention than you.
362
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,697
That's why,
when the lights went out,
363
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,732
you unleashed some thunder
of your own!
364
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:18,436
Thunder of the...
chocolate variety.
365
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,772
[ Thunderclap ]
366
00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:23,541
All of that would be
fine and dandy...
367
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,276
if any of it were true.
368
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:28,513
Can we wrap this up
at some point?
369
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:32,417
In due time, pretty face.
In due time.
370
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:36,487
Frank, isn't it true you thought
you've been pooping the bed
for months now?
371
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,857
You chalked it up
to your old plumbing
and penchant for spicy foods.
372
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:44,295
Morning after morning, you'd
bury your poop after you rose
to hide it from Charlie.
373
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:47,098
But convinced that
Charlie had discovered
his dirty little secret,
374
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,734
[ Screaming ]
Frank pooped the bed again
the next night as revenge.
375
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:53,237
Only a lot more came out
than he expected.
376
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:56,908
He had gone too far.
I've gone too far.
377
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,576
Due to the size
and severity of the poop,
378
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,678
Frank concluded that Charlie
had been pooping the bed
all along.
379
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:04,382
And so he cleaned up the mess
and wandered the streets
looking for someone...
380
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,452
who could replicate Charlie's
small and malnourished turd.
381
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:11,656
And that's where he came upon
his old friend Rickety Cricket.
382
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:12,090
Get up!
383
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:15,960
Known the world over
for his ability
to replicate any man's stool,
384
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:20,631
Cricket came back
and committed fecal forgery.
385
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:21,799
Which leads us
to the third turd.
386
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:26,270
Dennis and Mac thought it'd
be funny to put the frame
on Frank and Charlie.
387
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:26,838
And so they both pooped.
388
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:32,610
But as so often happens,
the poop rolled together,
and two became one.
389
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,446
- ♪♪ [ Heavenly Choir Sings ]
- A turd merger.
390
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:39,617
Fused together by fear
and hatred and hair.
391
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,353
But on to the final poop--
392
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:45,223
a poop that can be
traced back to Dee!
393
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,326
But not to her butt.
394
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,428
The Waitress--
drunk out of her mind...
395
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:54,298
and furious that Dee
had pushed her back
into the arms of the bottle--
396
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:58,536
pooped in Dee's purse
while Dee's back was turned.
397
00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,705
[ Laughing Maniacally ]
398
00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:02,206
And Dee carried it
unknowingly...
399
00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:05,910
until she arrived here
and the lights went out
and she was startled,
400
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:09,447
knocking her purse to the floor,
causing the turd to tumble...
401
00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:13,284
where it stands
before us right now!
402
00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:15,686
Ha! Huh?
403
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:18,256
So as you can see,
404
00:19:18,690 --> 00:19:22,627
the mystery of who pooped
the bed has been solved.
405
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:25,530
And yes, my friends,
[ Dennis Sighs ]
406
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:28,900
in a way, oh,
you're all guilty.
407
00:19:28,902 --> 00:19:31,769
Huh? What?
408
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:34,205
Oh!
409
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:40,011
Nah. I did it.
410
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,480
[ Thunderclap ]
What?
411
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:43,881
I did 'em all.
I did all the poops.
412
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:46,384
- Really?
- Yeah. I did--
I did every one of 'em.
413
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:49,320
I even did one while she
was wrapping up right here.
414
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,355
Look.
[ Laughing ]
[ Others Groan ]
415
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:52,690
Dude!
Jesus!
416
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:53,925
[ Charlie ]
Oh, my God.
[ Laughing ]
417
00:19:53,927 --> 00:19:58,329
- Why did you do that, dude?
- Because poop is funny.
418
00:19:58,331 --> 00:19:59,864
[ Laughing ]
419
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:03,067
- Well, I guess poop
is pretty funny.
- Poop is funny.
420
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:05,336
Poopin' on the floor
like that--
That was a good one.
421
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:09,974
You know what?
Well played, my man.
Very well played.
422
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:12,610
[ Laughing ]
That's funny.
423
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:14,545
I hate my life.
Yeah.
424
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,415
Seriously, dude.
Don't ever poop
in our bed again.
425
00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:58,823
[ Voices Speaking Backwards ]