1 00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:03,435 [ Dee ] Hey, guys, what are you doing tonight? 2 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:04,670 [ Dennis ] What kind of question is that? 3 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,072 [ Mac ] You're asking us to predict the future Dee. 4 00:00:07,074 --> 00:00:08,607 How can I predict the future? 5 00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,142 There's a new martini bar opening up downtown. 6 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:12,211 I thought maybe we could do something different tonight. 7 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,113 Jesus. Where is this shit coming from? 8 00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,981 She just watched that stupid Sex and the City movie. 9 00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:19,284 Oh, my God. When will that show die? Never, apparently. 10 00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,621 Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago when that show first came on the air. 11 00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,656 Nobody wants to play Sex and the City with you. 12 00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:27,726 Come on, Charlie! You know you did it! Fess up! 13 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:29,261 I did not poop the bed! 14 00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,497 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rewind. What? 15 00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:34,933 I'm sorry. Did you say something about pooping in a bed? 16 00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:37,736 Yeah! There was some poop in our bed this morning. 17 00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,671 - Oh, Jesus. - And Charlie did it! 18 00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,273 That is bullshit! Charlie-- 19 00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:42,541 Guys, hold on a second. Relax. 20 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:43,709 Walk us through what happened. Nice and slow. 21 00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:48,480 Yesterday, we wake up and there's a piece of poop right in the middle of me and Frank. 22 00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,549 Wait a minute. So this happened two nights in a row? 23 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,385 Yeah, man! So we throw the first piece of poop out. 24 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,820 Big deal, whatever. Accidents happen, right? 25 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:58,257 But this morning, there's another piece of poop in the exact same spot. 26 00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,392 Frank says it's not him. I say it's not me. 27 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,794 But you bet your ass it's one of us. 28 00:01:01,796 --> 00:01:05,798 This is a lot to handle. The second poop-- you held on to it, right? 29 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,666 - Brought it along. - Oh, no. 30 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,168 Dee, we said we can't predict the future. 31 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,203 How could we possibly have seen something this awesome coming? 32 00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:13,939 We're gonna have to clear our schedules. This is gonna require a lot of attention. 33 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:18,377 You're not gonna go out with me tonight 'cause these idiots found two poopies in a bed? 34 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,512 Yeah, Dee. But it's not the poop. 35 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:24,216 It's the mystery behind the poop. 36 00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:02,921 Hey, girlfriend! Oh, my God! You scared me! 37 00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:05,524 Did I? My bad. Why did you jump out from behind a car? 38 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,759 - Were you stalking me? - Girlfriend, you're crazy. 39 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,595 - Stop calling me "girlfriend." - So check it. 40 00:02:09,597 --> 00:02:11,864 Puttin' together a girls' night out. I want you to come. 41 00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:15,033 Why would I ever go out with you? I hate you. 42 00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:18,470 I know. I hate you too. That's how we girls are. 43 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,938 We're catty, we backstab... 44 00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:22,941 and talk about each other behind our backs and stalk. 45 00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:25,978 Don't you remember how Samantha and Carrie and the dykey redhead... 46 00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,412 used to do that kind of fun stuff? 47 00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:30,782 I don't know who you're talking about. Sex and the City! 48 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:33,552 You are the worst. I know you're gonna be alone tonight. 49 00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:36,622 I read all about it in the notebook Charlie keeps of your whereabouts. 50 00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:38,957 You don't have any friends. I have a ton of friends. 51 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,959 Name one friend. Frederick. 52 00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,962 Frederick is your cat, and he died three weeks ago. It's all here in the notebook. 53 00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:46,732 Stop busting my balls, and let's go meet some men. Give me that notebook. 54 00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:50,469 I'm not gonna give you the notebook. Don't reach for the notebook. 55 00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:53,739 I'll give you the notebook if you come out with me tonight. 56 00:02:55,642 --> 00:02:59,378 Fine. Fun! See you tonight! 57 00:03:16,796 --> 00:03:18,463 You want me to do what? 58 00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:21,767 Well-- We want you to examine our poopy. 59 00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:23,769 We just want to know who it came from. That's it. 60 00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:26,538 We don't presume to be scientists. That's why we brought it to you. 61 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,441 We assume there's some kind of test you can run with these machines. 62 00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:30,943 Actually, you don't have to do any tests, 63 00:03:30,945 --> 00:03:33,612 'cause I already know it's Charlie's poop and not mine. 64 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:36,615 Plus you have a hole in the back of your pajamas. 65 00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:39,751 It's not my poop! You've been sleeping in a giant dress shirt! 66 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,687 It probably fell out of the bottom of it! 67 00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,622 We need to figure this out before it tears us apart. 68 00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,390 The only way for us to get to the bottom of this... 69 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,693 is for you to tear that poop apart and tell us what's inside. 70 00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,061 Just take a look at it. Get inside there. 71 00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:54,433 You want me to examine a plastic container full of feces? 72 00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:58,604 I feel like you were gonna say something else right there, and then you stopped. Right? 73 00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:01,440 - Please get out of my lab. - That wasn't what he was gonna say. 74 00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:04,576 Why do you have to go there? There's no reason to be harsh. 75 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,111 [ Charlie ] Tiny little simple poop test. [ Frank ] Just look at it. 76 00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:09,715 You just missed out on an extraordinary adventure. Let's get outta here. 77 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,718 Yeah, there's other ways to figure this out. 78 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,419 Pussy! 79 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,854 Yeah. 80 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,958 Hey. Hey. 81 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,860 Hey, you got a turd? 82 00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:26,031 - Yeah. We got a turd. - I'll take a look at it. 83 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:31,770 Okay. Well, it's definitely poop. 84 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,539 Uh, yeah. We know that, guy. 85 00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:38,410 Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper. 86 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:39,645 Well, now we're getting somewhere. 87 00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,747 Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper? 88 00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,949 It's gonna go both ways, dude. Really? 89 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:44,983 Sorry. Yeah. What else? 90 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,519 This appears to be a piece of a credit card. 91 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:48,720 Shoot. Inconclusive. 92 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,489 How is that not specific to one of you? 93 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,058 I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive. 94 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:55,494 Oh, boy. There's a good deal of blood in this stool. 95 00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,796 Of course there is. Whoever's it is should see a doctor. 96 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,899 Don't give us judgments. Just tell us what's in there. 97 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,668 What's in there? What else? 98 00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,436 This is wolf hair? Wolf hair, mm-hmm. 99 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,937 Also inconclusive. Jesus Christ! 100 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:08,640 - You knew there was wolf hair? - There is so much wolf hair in our apartment. 101 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:11,109 But why are you eating it? It gets in everything. 102 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,745 Both of you are eating wolf? We had a wolf in our apartment. 103 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:17,482 Guys! This is getting us nowhere. Can we move on to the D.N.A. test? 104 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,818 Can you do a D.N.A. test? That's a good idea. 105 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,620 I can't do that. What do you mean? 106 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:22,988 Aren't you a scientist? Yeah, do it. 107 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,757 No, I'm an econ major. I just wanted to look at some poop. 108 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,759 [ Guys Groaning ] You're not a scientist? 109 00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:31,630 I never said I was a scien-- Bro, you have wasted our time! You have ruined our turd. 110 00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:34,700 That's the only piece of evidence we have. Put it back together! 111 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:38,103 ♪♪ [ Electronic Dance ] 112 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,740 Who is she again? That's Artemis. 113 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,176 She's the sassy one who always plays by her own rules. 114 00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:46,645 Those guys are playing hard to get. 115 00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:48,480 I'm gonna take off my bra, blast my nips. 116 00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:52,551 Let's hold on that. I think what we need to do is just talk and have fun. 117 00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:54,052 Bring 'em to us, you know? Mm-hmm. 118 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,254 So, Artemis, where'd you get that great top? 119 00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:59,124 Burmington Coat Factory. I got it on sale. 120 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,859 It's irregular. 121 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,929 Oh. Okay. 122 00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:05,564 Excuse me. Hi. 123 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,666 Can we get three Cosmos, please? Make mine a water. 124 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,102 Water? We're in a bar. I have a drinking problem. 125 00:06:10,104 --> 00:06:13,138 Wow. That's a horribly unattractive thing to announce to everybody. 126 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,841 I'd like a water, please. She'll take a Cosmo, and she'll just hold it in her hand. 127 00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:19,778 That is a terrible idea. That's a pretty good idea if you want to get that notebook back. 128 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,748 Yeah, I'll take a Jãgerbomb. No. No Jãgerbombs. 129 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,716 Okay. Fine, Irish car bomb. No. 130 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:25,617 Sake bomb? Okay, no! 131 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:28,520 Nothing with bombs in the name. Okay? Please, the Cosmos. 132 00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:31,022 Go get the Cosmos. Thanks a lot. 133 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:32,557 Goddamn it! 134 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:35,727 Hottie alert at 2:00. Here they come. 135 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,262 Incoming. Okay. Let me do the talking. 136 00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:40,866 What's up, ladies? Not much. Just enjoying the view. 137 00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,801 Name's Artemis. 138 00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:46,138 I have a bleached asshole. 139 00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:50,976 Okay, it's time to move on to the reenactment and dramatization. 140 00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:54,045 - Jesus Christ, Frank. You sleep in that? - My legs get hot. 141 00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:57,015 I definitely see how something could've slipped out of there. Absolutely. 142 00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,384 That would've fallen right out in the middle of the bed. 143 00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:00,919 What about Charlie's hole? What? 144 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,821 Just get into the bed and show us how you sleep. 145 00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,489 All right. [ Mac ] Thank you. 146 00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:08,827 Right off the bat, there's a clear solution. Could've prevented this entire thing. 147 00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,595 You guys need to get two beds! 148 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,331 Maybe I'll get two TVs and two refrigerators. 149 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:16,768 Do we come to your house and tell you how to sleep? 150 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,103 I sleep in a king-size bed by myself. 151 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,071 When I have to go to the bathroom, I use a toilet. 152 00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,641 Look at King Dennis on his bed made for kings, 153 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,543 with his toilet made out of gold! 154 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,344 Okay, guys! Everybody calm down, please! 155 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:29,781 This is not about lifestyle. This is not about judgments. 156 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:30,782 This is about truth, okay? 157 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:34,453 Charlie and Frank, show us how you were positioned the night of the incident. 158 00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,655 Excuse me. Incidents. [ Charlie ] All right. 159 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:39,658 Well, I'm pretty sure I was sleeping like this that night. 160 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,326 So there's no way it could've been me. 161 00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:44,296 Charlie, we sleep ass to ass. You know that. 162 00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:47,666 Oh, great. Okay, clearly we're having a problem with honesty here. 163 00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:48,767 Turn around. Dennis, a word. 164 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:53,238 I hate to say it, bro, but I think we're gonna have to do an overnight observation. 165 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:57,342 To be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing how this whole situation really works. 166 00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,845 It's fascinating. 167 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,815 You're-- [ Mutters ] 168 00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:07,018 [ Cats Meowing ] 169 00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:12,924 Well, this just gets weirder and weirder, man. 170 00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,192 Yeah. [ Muffled Fart ] 171 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:17,095 Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Anything? Hey? 172 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,997 Uh, no, nothin'. False alarm. 173 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:22,167 Damn it, dude. We can't keep doing this all night. Oh, I know. 174 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,803 You know what? Why don't we sleep in shifts? 175 00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:26,371 I'm not saying this isn't important work. 176 00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,907 But I can't keep my eyes open, man. I hear you. I hear you. 177 00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,209 I'll tell you what. You go ahead and go first. 178 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,777 I still got a little energy left. 179 00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:35,680 I don't know about this floor. It's covered in sand or something. 180 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,883 It smells like some kind of spice blend or pesticide... 181 00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,218 or some other kind of sandy poison or something. 182 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,087 I wouldn't sleep on the floor though. 183 00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:44,089 I gotta sleep with them? You gotta. You gotta. 184 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:47,058 Are you sure you're all right? I'm fine. I got it. 185 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,793 You sure? Yeah, I'm good. 186 00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,962 I'm just gonna sleep for, like, 15 minutes. 187 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,999 And then you wake me up, and we'll switch it off. 188 00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:56,768 You good? I'm fine. 189 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,370 Oh, gosh. 190 00:08:58,372 --> 00:09:01,640 [ Snoring ] 191 00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:06,344 [ Birds Twittering ] [ All Snoring ] 192 00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:10,048 [ Sniffing ] 193 00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:14,219 [ Gasping ] 194 00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:19,991 My God! 195 00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:29,067 If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, we need to start acting with class. 196 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:32,103 We cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes. 197 00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:34,205 He was gonna find out anyway. Oh, my God. 198 00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:37,242 And you, you shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store. 199 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,411 You shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store. 200 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,012 What is the matter with you? I told you to pace yourself. 201 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:45,083 I have a drinking problem. Then you should know how to hold your booze a little better. 202 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,986 I'll hold your boobs a little better. Oh, good one. 203 00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:51,122 - Ladies, can I help you? - Hello. We are here for the Manolos. 204 00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,891 And what's your shoe size? Thirteen. 205 00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:56,294 Oh, my. Uh, we don't carry shoes that large. 206 00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:59,431 Perhaps you'd like to try the "big and tall" store down the street? 207 00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:04,869 You know what? I don't like this bitch's attitude. 208 00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:06,037 Hmm. Oh! 209 00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:06,738 [ Glass Breaks ] 210 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:10,241 Did she just try and break a bottle over my head? 211 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:11,876 No. Of course she didn't. 212 00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,979 Girls, I'll meet you outside. 213 00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:15,347 Huh? Get her. 214 00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:16,381 Oh. Hey. 215 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,383 [ Straining ] Okay. 216 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:22,487 Just the littlest bit snug, aren't they? 217 00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:24,189 Uh! There we go. 218 00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,324 Cute though, huh? How much? 219 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,793 700. 700. Yes. 220 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,362 I tell you what. You pay for quality. 221 00:10:30,364 --> 00:10:33,098 There's so much crap out there these days. 222 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:37,435 Man, I am excited to bust my dogs out in these tonight. 223 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:38,503 We're going to a French restaurant. 224 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:42,941 Le Bistro. It's five star. I don't know if you've been to it. Probably not. 225 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,876 Sounds great, but this has been declined. 226 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,845 Declined? You're kidding me. 227 00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,480 [ Sighs ] It makes me so mad. 228 00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,916 You know, the credit card companies-- the way they waste your time. 229 00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:54,486 Probably protecting me. I spent a lot of money today. 230 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:57,355 Try that one. Uh-huh. 231 00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,257 Excuse me! 232 00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:03,028 Oh! [ Car Alarm Shrieking ] 233 00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:05,330 [ Groaning ] 234 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,931 [ Dee ] Oh, God. 235 00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:10,168 [ Alarm Continues ] Did it not go through? 236 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:15,140 What motive could a man possibly have for pooping where he sleeps? 237 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,776 - I love that bed. - Don't buy this act. 238 00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:20,512 I will jam that poop right back up your ass where it came from! 239 00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:22,514 - You know I-- - Guys, guys, guys! 240 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:25,784 Clearly, we're exhausted and full of emotion. 241 00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,318 But we should not be threatening each other... 242 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,988 with jamming feces into each other's assholes, okay? 243 00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:31,489 Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. 244 00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,825 What if we had them produce another sample... 245 00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,960 and we cross-reference the samples? 246 00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:39,531 They'd have to do it in front of us so that there's no foul play. 247 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:40,999 Yeah. 248 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,968 I can't go now. Really? 249 00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,970 I could probably squeeze something out. 250 00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:49,474 I'll get some newspaper. This is exciting. This is very exciting. 251 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,843 [ Dee ] Why, of all places, are we here? 252 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,112 Because it's your bar, and we're gonna drink for free. 253 00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:56,047 Damn it, Waitress. That is not what I wanted. 254 00:11:56,049 --> 00:12:00,085 How-- How do you still not know what my name is? Oh, I'm sorry. 255 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,054 I'm supposed to be expected to remember everyone's name at all moments of the day. 256 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:06,558 Oh, my God. This is the opposite of where we're supposed to be. 257 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,293 [ Straining ] 258 00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:09,894 [ Mac ] I see it. It's comin'. 259 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,463 It's-- Oh! Whoa! [ Dennis, Mac, Groan ] 260 00:12:11,465 --> 00:12:14,532 Dee! We were just on the verge of a major breakthrough! 261 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:16,401 He was turtle-heading! Turtle-heading! 262 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,569 There was no turtles anywhere. 263 00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:20,472 Were you just pooping on the floor? No, I was not. 264 00:12:20,474 --> 00:12:23,108 That was an endurance contest, which I won, by the way. 265 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,176 You're paying for that. She doesn't have to pay for that. 266 00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:26,244 Yes, she does. Bite me, asshole. 267 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,846 You have a bad attitude when you're drinking. 268 00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:32,383 You have a bad attitude when you're drinking, you huge-footed slut. 269 00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:35,153 You know what? I'm just gonna go get more wasted, 270 00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:36,921 and then I'm gonna bang some random dude. 271 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:40,325 - Could it be this guy? - No, it can't. But it could be Dennis. 272 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,227 - Pass. - Whatever. 273 00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:46,097 You know what? I'm gonna take this. Whoa! 274 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,399 I'm gonna take this. And I'll see you assholes later. 275 00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:50,368 That is my notebook. Free coffee for a year. 276 00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:52,137 Wait a second. Where did she get my note-- 277 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,505 I have backups. It's cool. What is with her? 278 00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:56,674 Something about drinking. She just won't stop talking about it. 279 00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:57,709 What's with the plates of shit? 280 00:12:57,711 --> 00:12:59,911 Somebody pooped the bed. Whatever. Let's get out of here. 281 00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:02,380 We could use a fresh set of eyes on this if you don't mind. 282 00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:06,951 No, thank you. I think that Artemis and I have much better things to do. 283 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,621 Uh, actually. I'm just gonna stick around. 284 00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,489 Excuse me? Are you kidding me? 285 00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:14,125 You know what? Forget it. Okay? I'm gonna do this by myself. 286 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:18,029 I'm gonna go find some classy, sophisticated people who can hold their booze, 287 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,198 who don't talk about their bleached assholes... 288 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,067 and who aren't obsessed with poop. 289 00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:26,571 Okay. Bring me up to speed here, boys. 290 00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:34,145 ♪♪ [ Background: Vivaldi The Four Seasons ] 291 00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:39,617 [ Clears Throat ] This is an interesting piece. 292 00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,486 Mmm. I love his use of space. 293 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,122 The space-- that's what I loved about it. 294 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:47,258 What do you think the chunky earth tones represent? 295 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,626 Uh-- 296 00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:51,496 Look at the rich texture, the dimensions. 297 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,464 It's almost as if you can smell it. Oh, God. 298 00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:57,535 This is the piece I was telling you about. It's unbelievable. 299 00:13:57,537 --> 00:14:01,339 It's so raw, so base, so utterly human. 300 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,541 It's almost as if it exploded out of the artist. 301 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:07,145 [ Groans ] Well, I think it's crap. 302 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,081 [ Voice Echoing ] Crap, crap, crap. 303 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,416 No! 304 00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:12,217 [ Gasps ] 305 00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:15,019 [ Voice Echoing ] Crap, crap, crap. 306 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,155 Oh, no! [ Gasping ] 307 00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:20,058 - Crap, crap, crap. - No! 308 00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:23,394 No! No! No! 309 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,763 No. What-- Oh, God! 310 00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:28,399 Oh, God! Why are you pooping? 311 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,034 [ Gasping ] 312 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:33,638 [ Screaming ] 313 00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:38,076 [ Thunderclap ] 314 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:41,713 You know what, guys? Let's just wrap up the evidence and start again fresh tomorrow. 315 00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:44,649 You think it'll keep, or should we put 'em in the fridge? 316 00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:47,285 Nah. [ Sniffs ] They'll keep fine. 317 00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:50,221 [ Thunder Continues ] 318 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:53,625 Okay, you know what? You guys win, all right? 319 00:14:53,627 --> 00:14:55,226 Are you happy? Win what? 320 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:58,196 [ Guys Exclaiming ] [ Charlie ] Heart failure. 321 00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,598 [ Frank ] Check the circuit breaker. 322 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,568 [ Screaming ] 323 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,270 Whoa! Whoa! 324 00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:07,005 Nobody move! 325 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,540 Everyone here is a suspect. 326 00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:13,311 Put on another pot of coffee. 327 00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:16,381 It's gonna be a long night. 328 00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:20,518 [ Thunder Continues ] 329 00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:27,492 Four turds, five suspects, 330 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:32,063 so many, many nameless victims. 331 00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:37,535 The first poop was obviously Frank. 332 00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,570 Old and weak, he had an accident. 333 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:42,373 That's why he was so intent on destroying it. 334 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,509 There were many turds before this, weren't there, Frank? 335 00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:47,211 This was just the first time you got caught, wasn't it? 336 00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:51,683 And then you went and did it again the next night. 337 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,518 Or did you? 338 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,620 Two poops in two nights? 339 00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:58,489 Tall order for such a short man. 340 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:03,561 No. The second poop belonged to Charles. 341 00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,563 He wanted to get back at Frank, 342 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:07,265 but, due to his poor diet, couldn't produce a turd. 343 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:13,338 So he called Mac, who jumped at the chance to see Frank humiliated one more time. 344 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:18,543 But Charlie overlooked the fact that Dennis listens to Mac's phone calls, 345 00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:19,610 and he heard every word. 346 00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:24,482 Dennis was jealous that Charlie had chosen Mac to help instead of him. 347 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,985 He swore to have his revenge. 348 00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:29,687 That's why he encouraged Mac to sleep while he stayed up. 349 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:33,191 He was gonna put the frame on Mac by pooping next to him. 350 00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:38,129 But he didn't realize that a futon slept on by the weight of three men... 351 00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:42,367 would be off its axis and slope to the center. 352 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,235 And like a small brown snail, 353 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,571 it crept to the middle... 354 00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:50,208 between Charlie and Frank. 355 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:51,709 Deandra! 356 00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:55,780 You wanted in on this poop war from the start. No, I didn't. 357 00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:58,416 The outcast, the slut, 358 00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:00,752 the bitch, the whore. 359 00:17:00,754 --> 00:17:03,254 The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. 360 00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:06,491 You sat on the sidelines while these four titans battled it out. 361 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:10,695 You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. 362 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,697 That's why, when the lights went out, 363 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,732 you unleashed some thunder of your own! 364 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:18,436 Thunder of the... chocolate variety. 365 00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,772 [ Thunderclap ] 366 00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:23,541 All of that would be fine and dandy... 367 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,276 if any of it were true. 368 00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:28,513 Can we wrap this up at some point? 369 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:32,417 In due time, pretty face. In due time. 370 00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:36,487 Frank, isn't it true you thought you've been pooping the bed for months now? 371 00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,857 You chalked it up to your old plumbing and penchant for spicy foods. 372 00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:44,295 Morning after morning, you'd bury your poop after you rose to hide it from Charlie. 373 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:47,098 But convinced that Charlie had discovered his dirty little secret, 374 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,734 [ Screaming ] Frank pooped the bed again the next night as revenge. 375 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:53,237 Only a lot more came out than he expected. 376 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:56,908 He had gone too far. I've gone too far. 377 00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,576 Due to the size and severity of the poop, 378 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,678 Frank concluded that Charlie had been pooping the bed all along. 379 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:04,382 And so he cleaned up the mess and wandered the streets looking for someone... 380 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,452 who could replicate Charlie's small and malnourished turd. 381 00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:11,656 And that's where he came upon his old friend Rickety Cricket. 382 00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:12,090 Get up! 383 00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:15,960 Known the world over for his ability to replicate any man's stool, 384 00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:20,631 Cricket came back and committed fecal forgery. 385 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:21,799 Which leads us to the third turd. 386 00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:26,270 Dennis and Mac thought it'd be funny to put the frame on Frank and Charlie. 387 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:26,838 And so they both pooped. 388 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:32,610 But as so often happens, the poop rolled together, and two became one. 389 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,446 - ♪♪ [ Heavenly Choir Sings ] - A turd merger. 390 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:39,617 Fused together by fear and hatred and hair. 391 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,353 But on to the final poop-- 392 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:45,223 a poop that can be traced back to Dee! 393 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,326 But not to her butt. 394 00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,428 The Waitress-- drunk out of her mind... 395 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:54,298 and furious that Dee had pushed her back into the arms of the bottle-- 396 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:58,536 pooped in Dee's purse while Dee's back was turned. 397 00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,705 [ Laughing Maniacally ] 398 00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:02,206 And Dee carried it unknowingly... 399 00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:05,910 until she arrived here and the lights went out and she was startled, 400 00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:09,447 knocking her purse to the floor, causing the turd to tumble... 401 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:13,284 where it stands before us right now! 402 00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:15,686 Ha! Huh? 403 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:18,256 So as you can see, 404 00:19:18,690 --> 00:19:22,627 the mystery of who pooped the bed has been solved. 405 00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:25,530 And yes, my friends, [ Dennis Sighs ] 406 00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:28,900 in a way, oh, you're all guilty. 407 00:19:28,902 --> 00:19:31,769 Huh? What? 408 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:34,205 Oh! 409 00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:40,011 Nah. I did it. 410 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,480 [ Thunderclap ] What? 411 00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:43,881 I did 'em all. I did all the poops. 412 00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:46,384 - Really? - Yeah. I did-- I did every one of 'em. 413 00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:49,320 I even did one while she was wrapping up right here. 414 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,355 Look. [ Laughing ] [ Others Groan ] 415 00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:52,690 Dude! Jesus! 416 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:53,925 [ Charlie ] Oh, my God. [ Laughing ] 417 00:19:53,927 --> 00:19:58,329 - Why did you do that, dude? - Because poop is funny. 418 00:19:58,331 --> 00:19:59,864 [ Laughing ] 419 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:03,067 - Well, I guess poop is pretty funny. - Poop is funny. 420 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:05,336 Poopin' on the floor like that-- That was a good one. 421 00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:09,974 You know what? Well played, my man. Very well played. 422 00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:12,610 [ Laughing ] That's funny. 423 00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:14,545 I hate my life. Yeah. 424 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,415 Seriously, dude. Don't ever poop in our bed again. 425 00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:58,823 [ Voices Speaking Backwards ]