1
00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:04,003
[ Mac ]
He really has an ugly face.
2
00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:05,337
[ Dennis ]
Mmm, he does.
He is certainly ugly.
3
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,873
But you know what?
That's not really what
bothers me about this.
4
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:10,376
What bothers me is that he
looks like an old woman.
Right!
5
00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:12,578
[ Dennis ] Yeah.
[ Mac ]
Well, he is wearing...
6
00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:13,912
a lot of blush
on those cheekbones.
Right!
7
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:16,849
But I feel like that
was the look of the times.
It's not just that though, Mac.
8
00:00:16,851 --> 00:00:20,386
It's not. I mean,
a lot of presidents somehow
end up looking like women.
9
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:21,620
I mean, look at
Ronald Reagan. Right?
Mm-hmm.
10
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,390
- He looks--
- Why would you hang a painting
like this on your wall?
11
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:27,493
It's the historical society,
bro. They have to hang it up.
Right. Yeah.
12
00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:30,662
We gotta suffer just because
some old dude who looks
like Meryl Streep...
13
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:32,931
chopped down a cherry tree
10 million years ago?
14
00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:35,934
It's just--
He looks terrible!
15
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,569
You know what?
Let's take it down.
16
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:41,540
It's just gonna distract us
through the meeting.
Yeah. Let's get it down, man.
17
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,108
Let's take it down.
I'm gonna tear it down.
18
00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:46,779
[ Mac ] It's gonna distract us.
Unbelievable.
It's bolted to the wall.
19
00:00:46,781 --> 00:00:49,815
That proves our point, man.
We're not the first people who
tried to take that thing down.
20
00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:53,652
Yeah, but we're gonna be the
first ones to actually succeed.
Let's tear it down, Charlie.
21
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:56,088
Let's just rip it
off the wall!
Whoa! Guys, guys, guys!
22
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:59,992
I got a pocket knife.
Just cut it out of the frame.
[ Dennis ] That's a good idea.
23
00:00:59,994 --> 00:01:03,962
I've had enough of this dude.
Just cut it
right out of the frame.
24
00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:06,598
What are you doing?
25
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,967
Oh. Uh--
26
00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,903
Do you want this up?
27
00:01:10,905 --> 00:01:12,438
Yes. Yes, I do.
Really?
28
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,874
- Uh, may I help you gentlemen
with something?
- Yeah. Yeah.
29
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:19,578
Actually, we're here because
we want to get our bar certified
as a historic landmark.
30
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:23,749
We want tourists to be able
to come by Paddy's Pub as part
of the walking tour of Philly.
31
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:27,753
You know, they can come by,
soak up some history,
do some shots, get blasted.
32
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:30,989
In order to be considered
as a historical site,
33
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:34,793
your bar would have to have
some historical significance.
34
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:40,132
Trust us when we tell you that
Paddy's Pub played an extremely
important part in history.
35
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:43,068
Mm-hmm. And what part
of history might that be?
36
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:46,472
The cracking of
the Liberty Bell,
of course.
37
00:02:18,671 --> 00:02:21,140
So you're claiming
that your bar...
38
00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:25,177
had a direct role
in the cracking
of the Liberty Bell?
39
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:27,246
- Absolutely.
- Then tell me about it.
40
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:30,816
Well, the year was 1412--
Oh, ooh. Oh, ooh, no.
41
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:31,917
Really?
Let Dennis-- Let Dennis--
42
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,686
-Let me tell the story, Charlie.
-Okay. [ Clucking Tongue,
Imitating Hoofbeats ]
43
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:41,026
Yeah. The year was 1776.
And Paddy's Pub, then known,
of course, as Patrick's Pub,
44
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:43,428
was a hotbed
of revolutionary activity.
45
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:49,168
Revolutionaries from all over
the country had come together
to gather at Patrick's Pub...
46
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:52,070
to speak of war
and revolution.
47
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:54,273
Will you look at that?
Sons of Liberty--
48
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:58,076
patriots meeting in our bar
speaking of revolution
and freedom.
49
00:02:58,078 --> 00:03:01,113
Can you believe it,
dear Brother? We're witnessing
history in the making.
50
00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:05,017
I do not give a shit, Deandra.
Now get me a flagon of ale.
51
00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:08,220
Get your own ale, dick.
Uh-uh!
You are my slave.
52
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:09,855
You have to get me
flagons of ale.
53
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:12,224
I saved you from being
burned at the stake
for being a witch!
54
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:15,661
You're the one who
accused me of being a witch
in the first place, Dennis!
55
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:17,563
Oh, well, what's done is done.
That's all in the past now.
56
00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:22,234
So you can either be a slave
witch in the bar or you can be
a burned-up witch outside.
57
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:24,102
Up to you!
Flagon of ale now?
58
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:28,273
Guys, guys, guys!
I've got some news.
I've got some terrible news.
59
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:30,776
Oh, MacDonald,
how goes it?
Not good.
60
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,844
You know that chick
I've been banging
down at Independence Hall?
61
00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,580
- Mmm, the fat one.
- Well, she's not that fat.
62
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,848
She's pretty fat, dude.
Good one, witch. [ Laughs ]
Pretty fat.
63
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:38,717
Well, whatever.
She told me
in complete confidence...
64
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,720
that a bunch of old dudes
down there are drafting
a declaration--
65
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:46,592
a declaration of independence.
Wait. Why would we want
to be free from the British?
66
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,093
This declaration is gonna
start an all-out war.
67
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,762
We have to make sure we are
not on the losing side!
Definitely.
68
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,431
Okay, clearly the British
are gonna win this thing.
Clearly.
69
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:56,602
All right. We have to make
sure that the crown knows
that we're on their side.
70
00:03:56,604 --> 00:04:00,172
We have to make
our own declaration.
Yes.
71
00:04:00,174 --> 00:04:04,876
Yes. We need to make
a declaration of dependence.
72
00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:08,814
[ Chattering ]
73
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:13,752
Buy your pelts here.
We have raccoon.
We have foxes.
74
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,288
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Ho there, sir.
75
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:20,292
Now, my good gentleman, what
says you of my fine furs here?
Mmm!
76
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:24,663
Merrily, I be able to guide you
towards some interest
in some purchase?
77
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:28,267
I can't understand
what you're saying.
You wanna buy a fur?
78
00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:29,801
Yeah!
In July? No, thanks.
79
00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:32,638
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Not so fast now.
80
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,773
It's a nice-looking cart
of pumpkins you got here.
Mmm!
81
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:41,313
Uh, what says you we maketh
some trade, hmm? All of my furs
for all your pumpkins?
82
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:45,284
No.
All right.
I-I-I-I-I-I--
83
00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:47,185
One pumpkin.
Deal.
84
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:50,222
All right then! [ Chuckles ]
Wait, wait, wait!
Whoa, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!
85
00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:52,924
We're not traders, Charlie.
We're thieves.
86
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:56,928
You want his pumpkins?
We kill him
and take his pumpkins!
87
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,097
This is 1776!
88
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,667
We'll get away
with it!
I can hear you.
89
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:05,270
Yeah, all right. Very good.
This is how it will go down.
I will beat the man...
90
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:08,907
about the face and the neck
and maybe the chest area
and possibly the groin--
91
00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:11,310
Eh?
until he's no longer
consisting of life pulse.
92
00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:16,648
And then you can collect up
the man's cart.
I shall findeth a stick.
93
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:20,218
Yes! Well, we'll need
a stick to do the bashing.
Sit tight, sir.
94
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,087
Pick a stick.
Any stick you like.
All right.
95
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:25,957
Methinks the rod to be the most
suitable for our purposes.
Ahh! Very nice rod.
96
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,860
Go with that rod.
Okeydokey-dokey-doo!
Uh-oh! He's gone.
97
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:33,598
What! He stole our furs!
Yep. Yep, yep, yep,
yep, yep, yep.
98
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,402
You shithead!
Hey, look on
the bright side, Franklin.
99
00:05:37,404 --> 00:05:39,871
We got ourselves
a pumpkin.
100
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:42,674
[ Dennis ]
This is gonna work.
101
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:47,713
[ Mac ] I can't believe
you dressed like that, bro.
Excuse me. This is a good plan.
102
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:50,048
Okay? If we're gonna
get this declaration
into the hands of the queen,
103
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:53,185
we need to dress the part.
That's not the way
the British dress, bro.
104
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:56,321
They dress like this.
No. British commoners
dress like you're dressed.
105
00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:59,358
British peons. Okay?
I'm dressed like a nobleman,
okay?
106
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,093
These people respond
to royalty.
107
00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:02,160
[ Dee ]
Hey. Hey, guys.
108
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:05,997
- Come on. Please help.
- Just use your witch strength,
slave.
109
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:08,367
Yeah. It's not
that much further. God!
110
00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:10,402
Uh, pardon me.
Pardon me, good sirs.
111
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:16,174
Which of you gentlemen happens
to be the highest-ranking
military officer here?
112
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:18,677
That would be me.
113
00:06:20,179 --> 00:06:23,448
Cricket.
Colonel Cricket.
114
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,417
- Hmm.
- What is your business, sirs?
115
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:31,156
Ah, well, Colonel, we are
the owners of the fine local
establishment, Patrick's Pub.
116
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,992
Ahh. Patrick's Pub.
Yeah.
117
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,961
Yes, of course.
Of course.
118
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:39,731
The liberty bar, huh?
You harbor patriots.
119
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,099
Oh, whoops.
No, no, no.
No!
120
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,467
No, nayeth.
Nayeth.
Bad intel there.
121
00:06:42,469 --> 00:06:44,369
Yeah, bad intel.
Bit of a miscommunication.
Yes. Yeah.
122
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:47,973
Actually,
that is why we're here.
Uh, we drew up this declaration.
123
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:52,477
We also included
an illustration that we
had hoped would illuminate...
124
00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:55,280
our intentions
towards the queen, huh?
125
00:06:55,982 --> 00:07:01,019
This appears to be
a rendering of the two of you...
126
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,821
sodomizing the king--
Huh?
127
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:05,323
whilst the queen
is forced to witness.
Oh!
128
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:08,427
Goodness gracious, no!
No! No! Look. I'm holding
homeboy's arms back.
129
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:11,229
Yeah.
Dennis is ready
to jam him in the face.
130
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:13,398
The queen is impressed.
Yeah. That's a bad guy.
That's not the king.
131
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,334
-We're doing bad stuff
to the bad--
-Give me this. You don't get it?
132
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:19,504
Let's get the ale. The ale.
Wench, now the ale.
Presenteth it.
133
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,174
Okay, set that down
in front of him.
And yes, good Colonel,
134
00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:29,448
we present this ale to you and
your men in hopes that it will
fuel the British to victory.
135
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:31,082
Madam.
136
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,617
- Whoa! Hey!
What the hell are you doing?
- Come on!
137
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:37,088
- Get out of here! You're making
things worse! Flee! Fly!
- Get back to the bar!
138
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,391
I'm really sorry.
That was huge.
Yeah.
139
00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:42,627
- That hit you right in
the face, didn't it? Oh, man.
- Yeah, you know what?
140
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,628
We don't condone
that sort of thing, okay?
No.
141
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:48,233
We're gonna tar and feather
the shit out of her when
she gets back. Don't worry.
142
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:52,270
I pray you,
who is that fiery wench?
143
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:55,874
Her? Oh, that's just
my sister, Deandra.
She's our slave.
144
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,042
Yeah. And a witch.
Yeah.
145
00:07:57,044 --> 00:08:00,912
- You keep your sister
as your slave?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Aye.
146
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:03,448
[ Laughs ]
So are we good here now?
What's the deal?
147
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:08,453
Gentlemen, you have both proven
to me in the very short time
that I have known you...
148
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,989
that you are both
slanderous perverts...
149
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,158
lacking any semblance
of moral fortitude.
150
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:18,563
However, I do desire to seek
further counsel with the lady.
151
00:08:18,565 --> 00:08:21,500
The... lady?
Uh, the-- the witch?
152
00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:23,468
The same girl we've
just been talking about?
153
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,805
You don't really think
she's a-- a witch, do you?
154
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,974
Yeah. Yeah,
she's a witch.
155
00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:32,143
I-- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Pretty sure.
156
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,845
All right, look.
157
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:37,249
I wish to court her
in some manner,
158
00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:42,554
and I could use your help,
because I'm not, admittedly,
159
00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:45,156
very good with women.
160
00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:47,125
Good "with" women?
You mean, good at women?
161
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,928
Like you can't catch them
when they run away from you?
Bro, it's 1776.
162
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:53,164
They don't have any rights.
You can just take 'em and force
'em to do whatever you want.
163
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:59,471
I do not wish to take her.
I would like to win her favor,
like a gentleman does a lady.
164
00:08:59,473 --> 00:09:01,039
That just does not
compute with me.
165
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,240
I don't understand
what you're saying.
166
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:05,911
Diggin' the accent
but don't understand you.
Are you saying you're gay?
167
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,579
All right!
Escort them out!
168
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:10,348
Oh, no. We-We-We-- Okay.
Are you gonna
drink the beer?
169
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:11,983
No. Leave it. Out.
Just drink the beer.
170
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,452
Maybe you'll get some balls
and you can take the woman.
Yeah.
171
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,855
All right.
Well, I'm just saying.
172
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:21,560
Higher.
Ready?
173
00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:22,360
Yes.
All right.
174
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:25,030
Shoot.
One, two--
175
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:26,331
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
three.
176
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:29,501
Do not shoot
that pumpkin!
What are you doing?
177
00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:33,004
I stole a bunch of guns.
I'm testin' 'em out,
Charles.
178
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:35,340
This revolution
is gonna make us a fortune.
179
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:38,510
All right. Well,
leave the pumpkin out of it.
The pumpkin's innocent.
180
00:09:38,512 --> 00:09:40,478
[ Frank ]
Shoot the pumpkin.
181
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,414
Do not shoot the pumpkin,
please.
Okay.
182
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,182
Give me the gun.
Fine.
183
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,984
And why is the witch slave
shooting at you anyway?
184
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:51,089
- Maybe she used her sorcery.
- Sorcery? Your dumb dick
partner walked into the bar,
185
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:55,327
said he stole a bunch of guns
and asked if I wanted to shoot
a pumpkin off his head.
186
00:09:55,329 --> 00:09:57,128
Of course I did,
so here we are.
187
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,697
Damn your necromancy,
woman!
Oh, my God.
188
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:01,967
Maybe if we shoot you,
you won't feel it anyway, witch.
Yeah. Shoot her.
189
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:04,202
You know what? Okay, you guys.
I tell you what. You win.
190
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:10,909
I'm a witch, okay? I'm a witch,
and I curse both of you
and all of your stupid guns.
191
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:13,411
[ Clicks ]
[ Screams ]
Charlie! Goddamn it!
192
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:16,281
Give me that gun!
It didn't work!
She cursed the gun!
193
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,415
She cursed the gun.
[ Clicks ]
194
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:21,186
She put a curse
on the gun!
Let's try this one.
195
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,854
[ Clicks ]
Nothin'!
196
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:25,290
Try me!
[ Clicks ]
197
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,359
[ Chattering ]
198
00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:29,661
[ Chattering ]
199
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:33,264
Man, those Sons of Liberty
sons of bitches, Dennis.
200
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,634
Those guys are gonna get us
in so much trouble.
Let's do this.
201
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,435
No, no, no, no!
You hang back.
What? Me? Why?
202
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:41,706
[ Teeth Whistling ] Because
we need to get as much intel
from these guys as we can...
203
00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:42,574
for that
Colonel Cricket.
Yeah?
204
00:10:42,576 --> 00:10:45,977
This fop thing's gonna
totally blow our cover.
What's goin' on with your mouth?
205
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,278
I got some
wooden teeth put in.
Did ya?
206
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,481
Yeah. All the patriots
are doing it,
including Washington,
207
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:51,683
which is why it makes sense,
okay, if we're going undercover!
208
00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:56,388
Not this fop bullshit!
No. The fop thing's good, man.
I got a plan with it. Yeah.
209
00:10:56,390 --> 00:10:58,657
Got an angle.
Fine. Okay, listen.
210
00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:01,259
You let me
take the lead, okay?
Yeah, okay.
211
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:04,129
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You son of a bitch.
212
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:09,234
Fellas! How you doin'?
A couple of flagons of ale
for ya.
213
00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:12,604
[ Chuckling ]
So I just want to say we love
what you're doing over here.
214
00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:14,873
I mean, taxation with
representation, right?
215
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:18,810
So, uh, what's the buzz, huh?
What are we all talking about,
huh?
216
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:22,213
[ Effeminate
British Accent ]
Surrender maybe?
217
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,649
W-We speak of revolution.
218
00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:26,284
Revolution? Revolution?
219
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,687
That's great!
I'm completely on top of that!
[ Laughs ]
220
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,288
Hey, fellas, who's taking
the minutes here?
221
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:33,324
'Cause I feel like I could be
an asset to you as a secretary.
Yes.
222
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:37,395
Let's start by taking down
all of their names,
first and last, please.
223
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:42,367
- Son of a bitch.
- Gentlemen, I think
this meeting is adjourned.
224
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,569
Huh?
225
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,237
[ Clears Throat ]
Son of a bitch, dude!
226
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,640
What are you doing with
the accent and the Briti--
Goddamn it!
227
00:11:48,642 --> 00:11:51,509
No, I just decided to go
a different way. The spy thing
wasn't really working.
228
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:55,146
Yeah? What way was that?
Your wooden teeth, whistle-y
tooth thing? That was bad.
229
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,248
I think my teeth
were a smashing success.
We are in dire straits here.
230
00:11:57,250 --> 00:12:00,752
We need a change of plans.
I think the only way we're gonna
convince these people...
231
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:04,289
that we're on their side
is to become
a hundred percent British.
232
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:06,391
Become British?
We gotta commit
to the fop thing.
233
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:10,161
That actually seems
pretty sensible, Dennis.
Yeah. No more S's for you.
234
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:11,663
[ Mouths Words ]
235
00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:13,164
It's just
so cramped in here.
236
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:17,535
I mean, you'd think people
who came here so many years
before the English--
237
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:19,204
You'd think they'd
build bigger houses.
238
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,606
- Yeah, you'd think they'd
have huge homes, right?
- Yeah!
239
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:23,975
What is the sleeping situation
in here? You think this father
and son are sleeping...
240
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:27,345
on the same bearskin together?
Probably. Where else
are they gonna sleep?
241
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:31,816
What a bunch of losers!
Oh, I'm telling you.
It's a bunch of inbred savages.
242
00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:36,154
I speak English.
Oh, shit! For real?
243
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:38,423
- Yes.
- Oh, that's not good.
We didn't mean to--
244
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:43,194
Our bad then. Hey, so tell me.
How much land are you gonna give
away for a pumpkin these days?
245
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:49,167
W-Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Charlie, Charlie, listen. What
we need is your magical powers--
246
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,303
Yeah.
to lift the curses
from our guns.
247
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:55,206
[ Imitates Gunshots ]
Okay?
We're gonna pay ya.
248
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:58,309
Oh, yeah.
We gotta pay ya.
We'll give you this.
249
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,378
- We brought this for you.
- Booze!
250
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:03,181
Booze.
Right? Makes you feel good.
Helps you sleep.
251
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:06,584
Brings the tribe together.
252
00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:10,121
[ Speaking Native Language ]
253
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:16,528
Ooh! Oh! That young Indian
was fast with the tomahawk.
254
00:13:16,530 --> 00:13:19,831
And he really lobbed a big
hunk off your head up here.
Oh, yeah.
255
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:21,866
It's gonna make me
look deformed.
Yeah.
256
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:24,269
You're gonna be deformed
for the rest of your life.
Gimme that skunk pelt.
257
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:29,808
I'll use it for hair. Don't
push, don't push, don't push!
[ Dee ] All right.
258
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:31,876
Does it look cool?
It looks pretty good.
259
00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:35,880
- Lady Deandra.
- Yes? Can I help you?
260
00:13:35,882 --> 00:13:39,350
Colonel Cricket.
261
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:42,287
We met the other day?
262
00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:45,924
I was the one
you delivered the keg to?
263
00:13:46,091 --> 00:13:49,627
You spit in my face.
Oh, yep, yep.
There it is. Mm-hmm.
264
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,329
[ Chuckles ]
Indeed.
265
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,899
Forgive my rather
unadorned approach, but--
Mm-hmm.
266
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:57,735
from the first moment
I laid my eyes on you--
Mmm.
267
00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,704
I was smitten.
Mm-hmm.
268
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,840
Perhaps my impatience
has gotten the best of me,
269
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:07,612
but if you will have me,
I would be most honored...
270
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:10,515
to call you my wife.
271
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:15,620
Oh! [ Coughs ]
A simple "no"
would have sufficed.
272
00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:17,388
[ Laughing ]
Hey, hey.
273
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:20,124
Okay. All right.
That one got in my mouth.
That's really not cool.
274
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:25,296
You listen to me, you pale-faced
English dick-hole.
You got a revolution coming.
275
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:31,669
And pretty soon all
of the slaves are gonna be free,
and I will be owned by no man.
276
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:32,737
I am a fool--
Yeah.
277
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:38,610
having allowed myself to imagine
us back in my sprawling manor
in England.
278
00:14:38,612 --> 00:14:43,381
You on my arm adorned
in magnificent garments, dressed
in the finest jewels, and--
279
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:47,619
Whoa, whoa, Cricks. Back it up
a little bit. You're talking
about garments and jewelry?
280
00:14:47,621 --> 00:14:51,489
But alas,
my love cannot mend
our differences.
281
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,758
Oh, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Your love-- Your love can.
282
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:57,495
Your love is-- Your love
is currently doing that.
So you just--
283
00:14:57,497 --> 00:15:01,432
You didn't mention anything
about the sprawling manor
and all the garments.
284
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,201
That was stupid.
I thought you
just said that you--
285
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:06,671
Yeah, I di-- I did, I did.
But it's-- Your love,
it's like-- [ Grunts ]
286
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:09,641
It's filling me up with
all kinds of stuff, and--
Is it?
287
00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:12,310
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is!
Let's do this!
What?
288
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:14,612
Let's get married!
Yeah!
[ Chuckles ]
289
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:15,914
Oh, Lady Deandra.
Yes!
290
00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,750
You have made me
the happiest man alive!
Eww!
291
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:21,786
We're gonna have
to work up to that, though,
'cause you are crazy ugly.
292
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:25,523
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Keep your pants on, curly.
Yeah.
293
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,927
You want the slave?
You gotta pay
for the slave!
294
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,295
What?
I'm sorry?
295
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,530
We're not gonna give her
to you for free.
Yeah.
296
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:36,501
You gotta sweeten the pot.
Huh?
[ Blows Raspberry ]
297
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:39,437
How'd you like
to buy some guns?
Yeah.
298
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,573
Guns?
299
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,643
- I shall buy your guns.
- [ Dee ] Yes!
300
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,445
I shall buy your guns!
No, no, no, no.
301
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,581
Not yet. Not yet.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
302
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,016
[ Spits ]
[ Groans ]
303
00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:54,886
Why does he keep
spitting in my mouth?
[ Spits ]
304
00:15:54,888 --> 00:15:57,722
Who is this man?
[ Spits ]
305
00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:02,560
[ Squealing ]
[ Dennis ]
Ah, hello to you, sirs.
306
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:05,697
And to you, ladies.
These heels are almost
impossible to walk in.
307
00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:08,366
Get over it, dude.
You gotta walk in them, okay?
Now let me hear the voice.
308
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:11,336
[ Teeth Whistling ] No. I don't
think the voice is entirely
necessary. I'm not gonna do it.
309
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:14,005
Bro, if we're gonna wipe away
all traces of our colonial
background and blend in...
310
00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:16,641
with British culture,
we need to walk the walk
and we need to talk the talk.
311
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:22,347
Fine. How do you do it?
Your voice needs to come off as
elegant as your clothing, okay?
312
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:27,618
So try this. [ Clears Throat,
British Accent ]
Would you like a spot of tea?
313
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:31,622
You: Ye-e-e-e-es!
314
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:35,960
[ British Accent ]
Would you like
a spot of tea? Ye-e-es!
315
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:38,029
Draw it out more.
Draw it out
more than that?
316
00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:42,266
Oh, yes. Ye-e-e-e-es.
More than that.
Ye-e-e-e-es!
317
00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:43,434
Yeah, but--
That's good.
318
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,803
You know what?
Those wooden teeth are
killing me. That lisp is stupid.
319
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:48,006
I think the wooden teeth
are the whole thing
that's saving this thing.
320
00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:50,041
You sound ridiculous.
No, I don't. I think
it sounds pretty good.
321
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,944
I'm not losing the teeth.
Let's just move past that.
Let's keep walking.
322
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:55,480
Okay, try it again,
try it again.
323
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,648
Ye-e-e-e-es!
324
00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,451
Ye-e-e-e-es!
[ Laughs ]
325
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,652
Ye-e-e-e-es!
[ Laughs ]
326
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:05,990
Ye-e-e-e-es!
Good, good, good.
Now flourish the pinkie.
327
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,892
Flourish the pinkie.
Ye-e-e-e-es!
328
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:11,829
Ye-e-e-e-es!
Well, what have
we got here?
329
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:15,433
A pair of poofs
about town.
330
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:18,703
Sodomites
in frilly lace.
331
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,571
Oh! No, no!
No! Nayeth!
332
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:21,939
Oh, nayeth, nayeth! No!
Nayeth, no!
333
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:25,843
We are simply two noble
British men out on a stroll.
Yes, yes, yes.
334
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,578
Good day, sir.
Good day!
335
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:29,981
Oh, goodness.
Oh.
[ Chuckles Weakly ]
336
00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:35,620
- Boys, get the tar.
- [ Both Chuckle ]
337
00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:36,487
Shit.
338
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:40,758
- [ Gunfire In Distance ]
- Deandra, come and help me
count my gold.
339
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:41,893
I'm not your slave anymore,
Franklin.
340
00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:46,631
I'm about to go live like
the goddamn queen of England and
never see you two bitches again.
341
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,467
Charles, I told you
the revolution pays.
342
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,469
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But look at this, huh?
343
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:55,073
Guys, there is a full-fledged
revolution happening outside
right now!
344
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:59,444
- It is a bloodbath!
We have got to do something!
- Whoa! Whoa!
345
00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:01,612
What?
Let's back up and talk
about what this is.
346
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:05,149
No, this is not
important right now!
Oh, I think it's very important!
347
00:18:05,151 --> 00:18:06,851
There's a war
happening outside.
348
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:09,387
We were acting like British
nobleman. Then he couldn't
drop the she-male thing.
349
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,589
[ Gunfire Intensifies ]
So we got tarred and feathered
for being sodomites!
350
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,425
Well, it is not--
[ Stammers ] a she-male thing.
[ Mocking Stammer ]
351
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,928
It's about-- Goddamn it!
We don't have time for this!
352
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,697
[ Gasping ]
Help!
353
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:21,499
- Help me!
- Are you okay? Are you dying?
354
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:25,103
No, no! Don't die yet!
Don't die yet until you
get me to your mansion!
355
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:28,206
No. I'm unscathed,
my darling.
Oh, thank God.
356
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,007
This is the blood
of my men.
Yeah.
357
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:34,479
We suffered
too many casualties.
All our guns jammed!
358
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:37,548
Blame that
on your witch wife.
Let me see that.
359
00:18:37,749 --> 00:18:41,586
Permit me to hide out here till
British reinforcements arrive...
360
00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:44,555
and massacre
the entire lot of rebels.
361
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,892
Then shall we escape
safely together, my darling.
362
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:50,228
Oh! Okay. I'm gonna
go get you some water.
363
00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:54,132
Hey, Cricks? When the
reinforcements get here,
Dennis and I are cool, right?
364
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:57,735
We're not on your shit list.
Yeah. Like we got tarred
and feathered for your ass. So--
365
00:18:57,737 --> 00:19:04,742
Protect me and I shall make sure
that all of you are safe
from the mighty sword of Bri--
366
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,411
- [ All Gasp ]
- Oh, shit!
367
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:11,949
Goddamn it, Frank!
You just ruined
my whole life!
368
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:13,684
Wait, wait, wait.
Check his pulse.
369
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,052
[ Dee ]
He doesn't have a head!
[ Mac ] Oh, my God!
370
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:17,955
If the British come in here and
find this body, we are screwed!
Jesus, God, he's right!
371
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:21,492
We gotta get rid of this body!
How are we gonna do that?
Maybe we could bury it out back.
372
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:22,994
No, there's no time.
We gotta burn that body.
373
00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:24,228
Burn? It's gonna call
too much attention!
374
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:28,199
Let's chop it up
into a million pieces!
I got an idea.
375
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:31,169
Careful man. Steady.
376
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,070
[ Grunts ]
It's heavy.
377
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:38,042
- [ Front Man ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [ Bell Clangs ]
378
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,644
Shit!
379
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:41,712
Bro, we just broke
the Liberty Bell.
380
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:45,149
I'll get you, my pretties!
[ Cackling ]
381
00:19:45,151 --> 00:19:48,553
Pretties!
[ Cackling ]
It's totally broken!
382
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:51,689
Stop... this... story!
383
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:56,661
- Okay?
- We weren't quite finished yet.
We were just climaxing there.
384
00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:58,629
I've finished listening.
385
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,498
Have you now?
[ Both Groan Softly ]
386
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:04,068
Uh, okay.
Well, that's fair.
Uh, the end, I guess.
387
00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:07,805
Uh, so are we
an historical landmark now?
388
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,741
- No!
- You gotta be kiddin' me.
389
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,109
It's such a good story.
Yeah.
390
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,512
Maybe she didn't
understand the story.
Maybe we skimmed too much.
391
00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:18,316
Well, let's tell the full story
this time. Let's-- We won't
leave out any details.
392
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:20,551
A lot more details.
You know what? Sit back.
Get comfortable.
393
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,787
This is gonna take
a little longer this time.
Okay.
394
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,555
You ready?
It starts the same.
395
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,892
Okay.
The year was 1776--
396
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:05,963
[ Voices Speaking Backwards ]