1 00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:04,003 [ Mac ] He really has an ugly face. 2 00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:05,337 [ Dennis ] Mmm, he does. He is certainly ugly. 3 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,873 But you know what? That's not really what bothers me about this. 4 00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:10,376 What bothers me is that he looks like an old woman. Right! 5 00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:12,578 [ Dennis ] Yeah. [ Mac ] Well, he is wearing... 6 00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:13,912 a lot of blush on those cheekbones. Right! 7 00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:16,849 But I feel like that was the look of the times. It's not just that though, Mac. 8 00:00:16,851 --> 00:00:20,386 It's not. I mean, a lot of presidents somehow end up looking like women. 9 00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:21,620 I mean, look at Ronald Reagan. Right? Mm-hmm. 10 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,390 - He looks-- - Why would you hang a painting like this on your wall? 11 00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:27,493 It's the historical society, bro. They have to hang it up. Right. Yeah. 12 00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:30,662 We gotta suffer just because some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep... 13 00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:32,931 chopped down a cherry tree 10 million years ago? 14 00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:35,934 It's just-- He looks terrible! 15 00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,569 You know what? Let's take it down. 16 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:41,540 It's just gonna distract us through the meeting. Yeah. Let's get it down, man. 17 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,108 Let's take it down. I'm gonna tear it down. 18 00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:46,779 [ Mac ] It's gonna distract us. Unbelievable. It's bolted to the wall. 19 00:00:46,781 --> 00:00:49,815 That proves our point, man. We're not the first people who tried to take that thing down. 20 00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:53,652 Yeah, but we're gonna be the first ones to actually succeed. Let's tear it down, Charlie. 21 00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:56,088 Let's just rip it off the wall! Whoa! Guys, guys, guys! 22 00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:59,992 I got a pocket knife. Just cut it out of the frame. [ Dennis ] That's a good idea. 23 00:00:59,994 --> 00:01:03,962 I've had enough of this dude. Just cut it right out of the frame. 24 00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:06,598 What are you doing? 25 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,967 Oh. Uh-- 26 00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,903 Do you want this up? 27 00:01:10,905 --> 00:01:12,438 Yes. Yes, I do. Really? 28 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,874 - Uh, may I help you gentlemen with something? - Yeah. Yeah. 29 00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:19,578 Actually, we're here because we want to get our bar certified as a historic landmark. 30 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:23,749 We want tourists to be able to come by Paddy's Pub as part of the walking tour of Philly. 31 00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:27,753 You know, they can come by, soak up some history, do some shots, get blasted. 32 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:30,989 In order to be considered as a historical site, 33 00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:34,793 your bar would have to have some historical significance. 34 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:40,132 Trust us when we tell you that Paddy's Pub played an extremely important part in history. 35 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:43,068 Mm-hmm. And what part of history might that be? 36 00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:46,472 The cracking of the Liberty Bell, of course. 37 00:02:18,671 --> 00:02:21,140 So you're claiming that your bar... 38 00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:25,177 had a direct role in the cracking of the Liberty Bell? 39 00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:27,246 - Absolutely. - Then tell me about it. 40 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:30,816 Well, the year was 1412-- Oh, ooh. Oh, ooh, no. 41 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:31,917 Really? Let Dennis-- Let Dennis-- 42 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,686 -Let me tell the story, Charlie. -Okay. [ Clucking Tongue, Imitating Hoofbeats ] 43 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:41,026 Yeah. The year was 1776. And Paddy's Pub, then known, of course, as Patrick's Pub, 44 00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:43,428 was a hotbed of revolutionary activity. 45 00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:49,168 Revolutionaries from all over the country had come together to gather at Patrick's Pub... 46 00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:52,070 to speak of war and revolution. 47 00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:54,273 Will you look at that? Sons of Liberty-- 48 00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:58,076 patriots meeting in our bar speaking of revolution and freedom. 49 00:02:58,078 --> 00:03:01,113 Can you believe it, dear Brother? We're witnessing history in the making. 50 00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:05,017 I do not give a shit, Deandra. Now get me a flagon of ale. 51 00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:08,220 Get your own ale, dick. Uh-uh! You are my slave. 52 00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:09,855 You have to get me flagons of ale. 53 00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:12,224 I saved you from being burned at the stake for being a witch! 54 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:15,661 You're the one who accused me of being a witch in the first place, Dennis! 55 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:17,563 Oh, well, what's done is done. That's all in the past now. 56 00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:22,234 So you can either be a slave witch in the bar or you can be a burned-up witch outside. 57 00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:24,102 Up to you! Flagon of ale now? 58 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:28,273 Guys, guys, guys! I've got some news. I've got some terrible news. 59 00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:30,776 Oh, MacDonald, how goes it? Not good. 60 00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,844 You know that chick I've been banging down at Independence Hall? 61 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,580 - Mmm, the fat one. - Well, she's not that fat. 62 00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,848 She's pretty fat, dude. Good one, witch. [ Laughs ] Pretty fat. 63 00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:38,717 Well, whatever. She told me in complete confidence... 64 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,720 that a bunch of old dudes down there are drafting a declaration-- 65 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:46,592 a declaration of independence. Wait. Why would we want to be free from the British? 66 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,093 This declaration is gonna start an all-out war. 67 00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,762 We have to make sure we are not on the losing side! Definitely. 68 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,431 Okay, clearly the British are gonna win this thing. Clearly. 69 00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:56,602 All right. We have to make sure that the crown knows that we're on their side. 70 00:03:56,604 --> 00:04:00,172 We have to make our own declaration. Yes. 71 00:04:00,174 --> 00:04:04,876 Yes. We need to make a declaration of dependence. 72 00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:08,814 [ Chattering ] 73 00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:13,752 Buy your pelts here. We have raccoon. We have foxes. 74 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,288 Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Ho there, sir. 75 00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:20,292 Now, my good gentleman, what says you of my fine furs here? Mmm! 76 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:24,663 Merrily, I be able to guide you towards some interest in some purchase? 77 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:28,267 I can't understand what you're saying. You wanna buy a fur? 78 00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:29,801 Yeah! In July? No, thanks. 79 00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:32,638 Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast now. 80 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,773 It's a nice-looking cart of pumpkins you got here. Mmm! 81 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:41,313 Uh, what says you we maketh some trade, hmm? All of my furs for all your pumpkins? 82 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:45,284 No. All right. I-I-I-I-I-I-- 83 00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:47,185 One pumpkin. Deal. 84 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:50,222 All right then! [ Chuckles ] Wait, wait, wait! Whoa, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie! 85 00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:52,924 We're not traders, Charlie. We're thieves. 86 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:56,928 You want his pumpkins? We kill him and take his pumpkins! 87 00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,097 This is 1776! 88 00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,667 We'll get away with it! I can hear you. 89 00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:05,270 Yeah, all right. Very good. This is how it will go down. I will beat the man... 90 00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:08,907 about the face and the neck and maybe the chest area and possibly the groin-- 91 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:11,310 Eh? until he's no longer consisting of life pulse. 92 00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:16,648 And then you can collect up the man's cart. I shall findeth a stick. 93 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:20,218 Yes! Well, we'll need a stick to do the bashing. Sit tight, sir. 94 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,087 Pick a stick. Any stick you like. All right. 95 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:25,957 Methinks the rod to be the most suitable for our purposes. Ahh! Very nice rod. 96 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,860 Go with that rod. Okeydokey-dokey-doo! Uh-oh! He's gone. 97 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:33,598 What! He stole our furs! Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. 98 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,402 You shithead! Hey, look on the bright side, Franklin. 99 00:05:37,404 --> 00:05:39,871 We got ourselves a pumpkin. 100 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:42,674 [ Dennis ] This is gonna work. 101 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:47,713 [ Mac ] I can't believe you dressed like that, bro. Excuse me. This is a good plan. 102 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:50,048 Okay? If we're gonna get this declaration into the hands of the queen, 103 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:53,185 we need to dress the part. That's not the way the British dress, bro. 104 00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:56,321 They dress like this. No. British commoners dress like you're dressed. 105 00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:59,358 British peons. Okay? I'm dressed like a nobleman, okay? 106 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,093 These people respond to royalty. 107 00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:02,160 [ Dee ] Hey. Hey, guys. 108 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:05,997 - Come on. Please help. - Just use your witch strength, slave. 109 00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:08,367 Yeah. It's not that much further. God! 110 00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:10,402 Uh, pardon me. Pardon me, good sirs. 111 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:16,174 Which of you gentlemen happens to be the highest-ranking military officer here? 112 00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:18,677 That would be me. 113 00:06:20,179 --> 00:06:23,448 Cricket. Colonel Cricket. 114 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,417 - Hmm. - What is your business, sirs? 115 00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:31,156 Ah, well, Colonel, we are the owners of the fine local establishment, Patrick's Pub. 116 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,992 Ahh. Patrick's Pub. Yeah. 117 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,961 Yes, of course. Of course. 118 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:39,731 The liberty bar, huh? You harbor patriots. 119 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,099 Oh, whoops. No, no, no. No! 120 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,467 No, nayeth. Nayeth. Bad intel there. 121 00:06:42,469 --> 00:06:44,369 Yeah, bad intel. Bit of a miscommunication. Yes. Yeah. 122 00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:47,973 Actually, that is why we're here. Uh, we drew up this declaration. 123 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:52,477 We also included an illustration that we had hoped would illuminate... 124 00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:55,280 our intentions towards the queen, huh? 125 00:06:55,982 --> 00:07:01,019 This appears to be a rendering of the two of you... 126 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,821 sodomizing the king-- Huh? 127 00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:05,323 whilst the queen is forced to witness. Oh! 128 00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:08,427 Goodness gracious, no! No! No! Look. I'm holding homeboy's arms back. 129 00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:11,229 Yeah. Dennis is ready to jam him in the face. 130 00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:13,398 The queen is impressed. Yeah. That's a bad guy. That's not the king. 131 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,334 -We're doing bad stuff to the bad-- -Give me this. You don't get it? 132 00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:19,504 Let's get the ale. The ale. Wench, now the ale. Presenteth it. 133 00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,174 Okay, set that down in front of him. And yes, good Colonel, 134 00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:29,448 we present this ale to you and your men in hopes that it will fuel the British to victory. 135 00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:31,082 Madam. 136 00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,617 - Whoa! Hey! What the hell are you doing? - Come on! 137 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:37,088 - Get out of here! You're making things worse! Flee! Fly! - Get back to the bar! 138 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,391 I'm really sorry. That was huge. Yeah. 139 00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:42,627 - That hit you right in the face, didn't it? Oh, man. - Yeah, you know what? 140 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,628 We don't condone that sort of thing, okay? No. 141 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:48,233 We're gonna tar and feather the shit out of her when she gets back. Don't worry. 142 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:52,270 I pray you, who is that fiery wench? 143 00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:55,874 Her? Oh, that's just my sister, Deandra. She's our slave. 144 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,042 Yeah. And a witch. Yeah. 145 00:07:57,044 --> 00:08:00,912 - You keep your sister as your slave? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Aye. 146 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:03,448 [ Laughs ] So are we good here now? What's the deal? 147 00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:08,453 Gentlemen, you have both proven to me in the very short time that I have known you... 148 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,989 that you are both slanderous perverts... 149 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,158 lacking any semblance of moral fortitude. 150 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:18,563 However, I do desire to seek further counsel with the lady. 151 00:08:18,565 --> 00:08:21,500 The... lady? Uh, the-- the witch? 152 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:23,468 The same girl we've just been talking about? 153 00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,805 You don't really think she's a-- a witch, do you? 154 00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,974 Yeah. Yeah, she's a witch. 155 00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:32,143 I-- Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure. 156 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,845 All right, look. 157 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:37,249 I wish to court her in some manner, 158 00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:42,554 and I could use your help, because I'm not, admittedly, 159 00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:45,156 very good with women. 160 00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:47,125 Good "with" women? You mean, good at women? 161 00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,928 Like you can't catch them when they run away from you? Bro, it's 1776. 162 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:53,164 They don't have any rights. You can just take 'em and force 'em to do whatever you want. 163 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:59,471 I do not wish to take her. I would like to win her favor, like a gentleman does a lady. 164 00:08:59,473 --> 00:09:01,039 That just does not compute with me. 165 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,240 I don't understand what you're saying. 166 00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:05,911 Diggin' the accent but don't understand you. Are you saying you're gay? 167 00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,579 All right! Escort them out! 168 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:10,348 Oh, no. We-We-We-- Okay. Are you gonna drink the beer? 169 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:11,983 No. Leave it. Out. Just drink the beer. 170 00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,452 Maybe you'll get some balls and you can take the woman. Yeah. 171 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,855 All right. Well, I'm just saying. 172 00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:21,560 Higher. Ready? 173 00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:22,360 Yes. All right. 174 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:25,030 Shoot. One, two-- 175 00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:26,331 Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! three. 176 00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:29,501 Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing? 177 00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:33,004 I stole a bunch of guns. I'm testin' 'em out, Charles. 178 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:35,340 This revolution is gonna make us a fortune. 179 00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:38,510 All right. Well, leave the pumpkin out of it. The pumpkin's innocent. 180 00:09:38,512 --> 00:09:40,478 [ Frank ] Shoot the pumpkin. 181 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,414 Do not shoot the pumpkin, please. Okay. 182 00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,182 Give me the gun. Fine. 183 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,984 And why is the witch slave shooting at you anyway? 184 00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:51,089 - Maybe she used her sorcery. - Sorcery? Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, 185 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:55,327 said he stole a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. 186 00:09:55,329 --> 00:09:57,128 Of course I did, so here we are. 187 00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,697 Damn your necromancy, woman! Oh, my God. 188 00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:01,967 Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch. Yeah. Shoot her. 189 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:04,202 You know what? Okay, you guys. I tell you what. You win. 190 00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:10,909 I'm a witch, okay? I'm a witch, and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns. 191 00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:13,411 [ Clicks ] [ Screams ] Charlie! Goddamn it! 192 00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:16,281 Give me that gun! It didn't work! She cursed the gun! 193 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,415 She cursed the gun. [ Clicks ] 194 00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:21,186 She put a curse on the gun! Let's try this one. 195 00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,854 [ Clicks ] Nothin'! 196 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:25,290 Try me! [ Clicks ] 197 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,359 [ Chattering ] 198 00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:29,661 [ Chattering ] 199 00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:33,264 Man, those Sons of Liberty sons of bitches, Dennis. 200 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,634 Those guys are gonna get us in so much trouble. Let's do this. 201 00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,435 No, no, no, no! You hang back. What? Me? Why? 202 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:41,706 [ Teeth Whistling ] Because we need to get as much intel from these guys as we can... 203 00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:42,574 for that Colonel Cricket. Yeah? 204 00:10:42,576 --> 00:10:45,977 This fop thing's gonna totally blow our cover. What's goin' on with your mouth? 205 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,278 I got some wooden teeth put in. Did ya? 206 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,481 Yeah. All the patriots are doing it, including Washington, 207 00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:51,683 which is why it makes sense, okay, if we're going undercover! 208 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:56,388 Not this fop bullshit! No. The fop thing's good, man. I got a plan with it. Yeah. 209 00:10:56,390 --> 00:10:58,657 Got an angle. Fine. Okay, listen. 210 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:01,259 You let me take the lead, okay? Yeah, okay. 211 00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:04,129 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You son of a bitch. 212 00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:09,234 Fellas! How you doin'? A couple of flagons of ale for ya. 213 00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:12,604 [ Chuckling ] So I just want to say we love what you're doing over here. 214 00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:14,873 I mean, taxation with representation, right? 215 00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:18,810 So, uh, what's the buzz, huh? What are we all talking about, huh? 216 00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:22,213 [ Effeminate British Accent ] Surrender maybe? 217 00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,649 W-We speak of revolution. 218 00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:26,284 Revolution? Revolution? 219 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,687 That's great! I'm completely on top of that! [ Laughs ] 220 00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,288 Hey, fellas, who's taking the minutes here? 221 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:33,324 'Cause I feel like I could be an asset to you as a secretary. Yes. 222 00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:37,395 Let's start by taking down all of their names, first and last, please. 223 00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:42,367 - Son of a bitch. - Gentlemen, I think this meeting is adjourned. 224 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,569 Huh? 225 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,237 [ Clears Throat ] Son of a bitch, dude! 226 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,640 What are you doing with the accent and the Briti-- Goddamn it! 227 00:11:48,642 --> 00:11:51,509 No, I just decided to go a different way. The spy thing wasn't really working. 228 00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:55,146 Yeah? What way was that? Your wooden teeth, whistle-y tooth thing? That was bad. 229 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,248 I think my teeth were a smashing success. We are in dire straits here. 230 00:11:57,250 --> 00:12:00,752 We need a change of plans. I think the only way we're gonna convince these people... 231 00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:04,289 that we're on their side is to become a hundred percent British. 232 00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:06,391 Become British? We gotta commit to the fop thing. 233 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:10,161 That actually seems pretty sensible, Dennis. Yeah. No more S's for you. 234 00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:11,663 [ Mouths Words ] 235 00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:13,164 It's just so cramped in here. 236 00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:17,535 I mean, you'd think people who came here so many years before the English-- 237 00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:19,204 You'd think they'd build bigger houses. 238 00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,606 - Yeah, you'd think they'd have huge homes, right? - Yeah! 239 00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:23,975 What is the sleeping situation in here? You think this father and son are sleeping... 240 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:27,345 on the same bearskin together? Probably. Where else are they gonna sleep? 241 00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:31,816 What a bunch of losers! Oh, I'm telling you. It's a bunch of inbred savages. 242 00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:36,154 I speak English. Oh, shit! For real? 243 00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:38,423 - Yes. - Oh, that's not good. We didn't mean to-- 244 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:43,194 Our bad then. Hey, so tell me. How much land are you gonna give away for a pumpkin these days? 245 00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:49,167 W-Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Charlie, Charlie, listen. What we need is your magical powers-- 246 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,303 Yeah. to lift the curses from our guns. 247 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:55,206 [ Imitates Gunshots ] Okay? We're gonna pay ya. 248 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:58,309 Oh, yeah. We gotta pay ya. We'll give you this. 249 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,378 - We brought this for you. - Booze! 250 00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:03,181 Booze. Right? Makes you feel good. Helps you sleep. 251 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:06,584 Brings the tribe together. 252 00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:10,121 [ Speaking Native Language ] 253 00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:16,528 Ooh! Oh! That young Indian was fast with the tomahawk. 254 00:13:16,530 --> 00:13:19,831 And he really lobbed a big hunk off your head up here. Oh, yeah. 255 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:21,866 It's gonna make me look deformed. Yeah. 256 00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:24,269 You're gonna be deformed for the rest of your life. Gimme that skunk pelt. 257 00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:29,808 I'll use it for hair. Don't push, don't push, don't push! [ Dee ] All right. 258 00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:31,876 Does it look cool? It looks pretty good. 259 00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:35,880 - Lady Deandra. - Yes? Can I help you? 260 00:13:35,882 --> 00:13:39,350 Colonel Cricket. 261 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:42,287 We met the other day? 262 00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:45,924 I was the one you delivered the keg to? 263 00:13:46,091 --> 00:13:49,627 You spit in my face. Oh, yep, yep. There it is. Mm-hmm. 264 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,329 [ Chuckles ] Indeed. 265 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,899 Forgive my rather unadorned approach, but-- Mm-hmm. 266 00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:57,735 from the first moment I laid my eyes on you-- Mmm. 267 00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,704 I was smitten. Mm-hmm. 268 00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,840 Perhaps my impatience has gotten the best of me, 269 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:07,612 but if you will have me, I would be most honored... 270 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:10,515 to call you my wife. 271 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:15,620 Oh! [ Coughs ] A simple "no" would have sufficed. 272 00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:17,388 [ Laughing ] Hey, hey. 273 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:20,124 Okay. All right. That one got in my mouth. That's really not cool. 274 00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:25,296 You listen to me, you pale-faced English dick-hole. You got a revolution coming. 275 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:31,669 And pretty soon all of the slaves are gonna be free, and I will be owned by no man. 276 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:32,737 I am a fool-- Yeah. 277 00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:38,610 having allowed myself to imagine us back in my sprawling manor in England. 278 00:14:38,612 --> 00:14:43,381 You on my arm adorned in magnificent garments, dressed in the finest jewels, and-- 279 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:47,619 Whoa, whoa, Cricks. Back it up a little bit. You're talking about garments and jewelry? 280 00:14:47,621 --> 00:14:51,489 But alas, my love cannot mend our differences. 281 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,758 Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Your love-- Your love can. 282 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:57,495 Your love is-- Your love is currently doing that. So you just-- 283 00:14:57,497 --> 00:15:01,432 You didn't mention anything about the sprawling manor and all the garments. 284 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,201 That was stupid. I thought you just said that you-- 285 00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:06,671 Yeah, I di-- I did, I did. But it's-- Your love, it's like-- [ Grunts ] 286 00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:09,641 It's filling me up with all kinds of stuff, and-- Is it? 287 00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:12,310 Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is! Let's do this! What? 288 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:14,612 Let's get married! Yeah! [ Chuckles ] 289 00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:15,914 Oh, Lady Deandra. Yes! 290 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,750 You have made me the happiest man alive! Eww! 291 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:21,786 We're gonna have to work up to that, though, 'cause you are crazy ugly. 292 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:25,523 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Keep your pants on, curly. Yeah. 293 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,927 You want the slave? You gotta pay for the slave! 294 00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,295 What? I'm sorry? 295 00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,530 We're not gonna give her to you for free. Yeah. 296 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:36,501 You gotta sweeten the pot. Huh? [ Blows Raspberry ] 297 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:39,437 How'd you like to buy some guns? Yeah. 298 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,573 Guns? 299 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,643 - I shall buy your guns. - [ Dee ] Yes! 300 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,445 I shall buy your guns! No, no, no, no. 301 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,581 Not yet. Not yet. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. 302 00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,016 [ Spits ] [ Groans ] 303 00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:54,886 Why does he keep spitting in my mouth? [ Spits ] 304 00:15:54,888 --> 00:15:57,722 Who is this man? [ Spits ] 305 00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:02,560 [ Squealing ] [ Dennis ] Ah, hello to you, sirs. 306 00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:05,697 And to you, ladies. These heels are almost impossible to walk in. 307 00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:08,366 Get over it, dude. You gotta walk in them, okay? Now let me hear the voice. 308 00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:11,336 [ Teeth Whistling ] No. I don't think the voice is entirely necessary. I'm not gonna do it. 309 00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:14,005 Bro, if we're gonna wipe away all traces of our colonial background and blend in... 310 00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:16,641 with British culture, we need to walk the walk and we need to talk the talk. 311 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:22,347 Fine. How do you do it? Your voice needs to come off as elegant as your clothing, okay? 312 00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:27,618 So try this. [ Clears Throat, British Accent ] Would you like a spot of tea? 313 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:31,622 You: Ye-e-e-e-es! 314 00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:35,960 [ British Accent ] Would you like a spot of tea? Ye-e-es! 315 00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:38,029 Draw it out more. Draw it out more than that? 316 00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:42,266 Oh, yes. Ye-e-e-e-es. More than that. Ye-e-e-e-es! 317 00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:43,434 Yeah, but-- That's good. 318 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,803 You know what? Those wooden teeth are killing me. That lisp is stupid. 319 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:48,006 I think the wooden teeth are the whole thing that's saving this thing. 320 00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:50,041 You sound ridiculous. No, I don't. I think it sounds pretty good. 321 00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,944 I'm not losing the teeth. Let's just move past that. Let's keep walking. 322 00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:55,480 Okay, try it again, try it again. 323 00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,648 Ye-e-e-e-es! 324 00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,451 Ye-e-e-e-es! [ Laughs ] 325 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,652 Ye-e-e-e-es! [ Laughs ] 326 00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:05,990 Ye-e-e-e-es! Good, good, good. Now flourish the pinkie. 327 00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,892 Flourish the pinkie. Ye-e-e-e-es! 328 00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:11,829 Ye-e-e-e-es! Well, what have we got here? 329 00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:15,433 A pair of poofs about town. 330 00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:18,703 Sodomites in frilly lace. 331 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,571 Oh! No, no! No! Nayeth! 332 00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:21,939 Oh, nayeth, nayeth! No! Nayeth, no! 333 00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:25,843 We are simply two noble British men out on a stroll. Yes, yes, yes. 334 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,578 Good day, sir. Good day! 335 00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:29,981 Oh, goodness. Oh. [ Chuckles Weakly ] 336 00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:35,620 - Boys, get the tar. - [ Both Chuckle ] 337 00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:36,487 Shit. 338 00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:40,758 - [ Gunfire In Distance ] - Deandra, come and help me count my gold. 339 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:41,893 I'm not your slave anymore, Franklin. 340 00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:46,631 I'm about to go live like the goddamn queen of England and never see you two bitches again. 341 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,467 Charles, I told you the revolution pays. 342 00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,469 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But look at this, huh? 343 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:55,073 Guys, there is a full-fledged revolution happening outside right now! 344 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:59,444 - It is a bloodbath! We have got to do something! - Whoa! Whoa! 345 00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:01,612 What? Let's back up and talk about what this is. 346 00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:05,149 No, this is not important right now! Oh, I think it's very important! 347 00:18:05,151 --> 00:18:06,851 There's a war happening outside. 348 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:09,387 We were acting like British nobleman. Then he couldn't drop the she-male thing. 349 00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,589 [ Gunfire Intensifies ] So we got tarred and feathered for being sodomites! 350 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,425 Well, it is not-- [ Stammers ] a she-male thing. [ Mocking Stammer ] 351 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,928 It's about-- Goddamn it! We don't have time for this! 352 00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,697 [ Gasping ] Help! 353 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:21,499 - Help me! - Are you okay? Are you dying? 354 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:25,103 No, no! Don't die yet! Don't die yet until you get me to your mansion! 355 00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:28,206 No. I'm unscathed, my darling. Oh, thank God. 356 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,007 This is the blood of my men. Yeah. 357 00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:34,479 We suffered too many casualties. All our guns jammed! 358 00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:37,548 Blame that on your witch wife. Let me see that. 359 00:18:37,749 --> 00:18:41,586 Permit me to hide out here till British reinforcements arrive... 360 00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:44,555 and massacre the entire lot of rebels. 361 00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,892 Then shall we escape safely together, my darling. 362 00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:50,228 Oh! Okay. I'm gonna go get you some water. 363 00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:54,132 Hey, Cricks? When the reinforcements get here, Dennis and I are cool, right? 364 00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:57,735 We're not on your shit list. Yeah. Like we got tarred and feathered for your ass. So-- 365 00:18:57,737 --> 00:19:04,742 Protect me and I shall make sure that all of you are safe from the mighty sword of Bri-- 366 00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,411 - [ All Gasp ] - Oh, shit! 367 00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:11,949 Goddamn it, Frank! You just ruined my whole life! 368 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:13,684 Wait, wait, wait. Check his pulse. 369 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,052 [ Dee ] He doesn't have a head! [ Mac ] Oh, my God! 370 00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:17,955 If the British come in here and find this body, we are screwed! Jesus, God, he's right! 371 00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:21,492 We gotta get rid of this body! How are we gonna do that? Maybe we could bury it out back. 372 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:22,994 No, there's no time. We gotta burn that body. 373 00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:24,228 Burn? It's gonna call too much attention! 374 00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:28,199 Let's chop it up into a million pieces! I got an idea. 375 00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:31,169 Careful man. Steady. 376 00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,070 [ Grunts ] It's heavy. 377 00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:38,042 - [ Front Man ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - [ Bell Clangs ] 378 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,644 Shit! 379 00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:41,712 Bro, we just broke the Liberty Bell. 380 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:45,149 I'll get you, my pretties! [ Cackling ] 381 00:19:45,151 --> 00:19:48,553 Pretties! [ Cackling ] It's totally broken! 382 00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:51,689 Stop... this... story! 383 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:56,661 - Okay? - We weren't quite finished yet. We were just climaxing there. 384 00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:58,629 I've finished listening. 385 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,498 Have you now? [ Both Groan Softly ] 386 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:04,068 Uh, okay. Well, that's fair. Uh, the end, I guess. 387 00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:07,805 Uh, so are we an historical landmark now? 388 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,741 - No! - You gotta be kiddin' me. 389 00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,109 It's such a good story. Yeah. 390 00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,512 Maybe she didn't understand the story. Maybe we skimmed too much. 391 00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:18,316 Well, let's tell the full story this time. Let's-- We won't leave out any details. 392 00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:20,551 A lot more details. You know what? Sit back. Get comfortable. 393 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,787 This is gonna take a little longer this time. Okay. 394 00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,555 You ready? It starts the same. 395 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,892 Okay. The year was 1776-- 396 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:05,963 [ Voices Speaking Backwards ]