1
00:00:01,687 --> 00:00:03,276
<i>Hey, you guys,
what are you doing tonight?</i>

2
00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:04,546
<i>What the hell kind
of question is that?</i>

3
00:00:04,628 --> 00:00:06,431
<i>Yeah, you're asking us
to predict the future, Dee.</i>

4
00:00:06,515 --> 00:00:07,828
How can I predict the future?

5
00:00:08,636 --> 00:00:10,694
Well, there's a new martini
bar opening up downtown.

6
00:00:10,777 --> 00:00:12,471
I thought maybe we could do
something different tonight.

7
00:00:13,260 --> 00:00:14,424
Where is this shit coming from?

8
00:00:14,506 --> 00:00:16,439
She just watched that stupid
"Sex and the City" movie.

9
00:00:16,598 --> 00:00:18,723
Oh, my God,
when will that show die?

10
00:00:18,813 --> 00:00:19,708
Never, apparently.

11
00:00:19,792 --> 00:00:22,670
Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago
when that show first came on the air.

12
00:00:22,751 --> 00:00:24,433
Nobody wants to play
"Sex and the City" with you.

13
00:00:24,515 --> 00:00:25,787
Come on, Charlie.

14
00:00:25,873 --> 00:00:26,858
You know you did it.

15
00:00:26,965 --> 00:00:28,813
- Fess up!
- I did not poop the bed!

16
00:00:30,301 --> 00:00:31,588
- Rewind.
- What?

17
00:00:31,676 --> 00:00:32,514
I'm sorry.

18
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:34,878
Did you say something about
pooping in a bed?

19
00:00:35,043 --> 00:00:37,537
Yeah, there was some poop
in our bed this morning.

20
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:38,326
Oh, Jesus.

21
00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:39,361
And Charlie did it.

22
00:00:39,445 --> 00:00:40,174
That is bullshit!

23
00:00:40,848 --> 00:00:42,539
Guys, hold on a second.
Relax!

24
00:00:42,622 --> 00:00:44,584
Walk us through what happened.
Nice and slow.

25
00:00:44,668 --> 00:00:47,130
Well, yesterday we wake up and
there's a piece of poop right

26
00:00:47,224 --> 00:00:48,482
in the middle of
me and Frank, okay?

27
00:00:48,571 --> 00:00:50,529
Wait a minute, so this happened
two nights in a row?

28
00:00:51,407 --> 00:00:54,199
So we threw the first piece of
poop out 'cause big deal, whatever.

29
00:00:54,283 --> 00:00:55,590
Accidents happen, right?

30
00:00:55,675 --> 00:00:58,169
But then this morning, there's another
piece of poop in the exact same spot.

31
00:00:58,255 --> 00:00:59,681
Now, Frank says it's not him.

32
00:00:59,766 --> 00:01:02,388
I say it's not me, but you bet
your ass it's one of us.

33
00:01:02,474 --> 00:01:03,672
This is a lot to handle.

34
00:01:03,758 --> 00:01:05,625
Now, the second poop,
you held onto it, right?

35
00:01:05,714 --> 00:01:06,981
Brought it along.

36
00:01:07,478 --> 00:01:09,929
Dee, when we said we can't
predict the future, how could we

37
00:01:10,023 --> 00:01:11,330
possibly have seen something
this awesome coming?

38
00:01:11,416 --> 00:01:13,095
Yeah, we're going to have
to clear our schedules.

39
00:01:13,182 --> 00:01:13,639
What?!

40
00:01:13,731 --> 00:01:14,923
This is going to require
a lot of attention.

41
00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:16,184
You're not going to go out
with me tonight 'cause

42
00:01:16,270 --> 00:01:18,110
these idiots found
two poopies in a bed?

43
00:01:18,836 --> 00:01:20,414
But it's not the poop.

44
00:01:20,499 --> 00:01:23,194
It's the mystery
behind the poop.

45
00:01:59,189 --> 00:02:00,167
Hey, girlfriend!

46
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:01,819
Oh, my God, you scared me!

47
00:02:01,905 --> 00:02:03,062
Did I? My bad.

48
00:02:03,238 --> 00:02:04,747
Why did you jump out from
behind a car?

49
00:02:04,831 --> 00:02:06,895
- Were you stalking me?
- Girlfriend, you're crazy.

50
00:02:06,979 --> 00:02:08,406
- Stop calling me "girlfriend."
- So check it:

51
00:02:08,494 --> 00:02:10,003
Putting together
a girl night out.

52
00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:10,921
Want you to come.

53
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,301
Oh, my God, why would
I ever go out with you?

54
00:02:13,397 --> 00:02:13,841
I hate you.

55
00:02:13,927 --> 00:02:16,028
I know. I hate you, too.

56
00:02:16,111 --> 00:02:18,251
That's the way girls are.
We're catty.

57
00:02:18,337 --> 00:02:22,014
We backstab and talk about each
other behind our backs and stalk.

58
00:02:22,099 --> 00:02:25,469
Don't you remember how Samantha
and Carrie and the dykey redhead

59
00:02:25,566 --> 00:02:26,535
used to do that kind of fun stuff?

60
00:02:26,619 --> 00:02:27,564
I don't know who you're
talking about.

61
00:02:28,184 --> 00:02:29,563
Sex and the City.

62
00:02:30,769 --> 00:02:32,048
You are the worst.

63
00:02:32,132 --> 00:02:33,654
Look, I know you're going to be
alone tonight, okay?

64
00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:36,026
I read all about it in the notebook
Charlie keeps of your whereabouts.

65
00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:37,792
- You don't have any friends.
- I have a ton of friends.

66
00:02:37,877 --> 00:02:38,656
Name one friend.

67
00:02:40,592 --> 00:02:42,513
Frederick is your cat and he
died three weeks ago.

68
00:02:42,601 --> 00:02:44,238
Look, it's all here in the
notebook, so stop busting

69
00:02:44,322 --> 00:02:45,734
my balls and let's go
meet some men.

70
00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:46,354
Give me that notebook.

71
00:02:46,439 --> 00:02:47,245
I'm not gonna give you the
notebook.

72
00:02:47,330 --> 00:02:49,101
Don't reach for the notebook.

73
00:02:49,468 --> 00:02:52,589
I'll give you the notebook if
you come out with me tonight.

74
00:02:55,033 --> 00:02:56,992
- Fine.
- Fine! See you tonight!

75
00:03:16,556 --> 00:03:17,915
You want me to do what?

76
00:03:18,571 --> 00:03:20,743
We want you
to examine our poopie.

77
00:03:21,058 --> 00:03:22,878
We just want to know
who it came from.

78
00:03:22,963 --> 00:03:23,438
That's it.

79
00:03:23,526 --> 00:03:25,302
I mean... Now, we don't
presume to be scientists.

80
00:03:25,387 --> 00:03:26,336
That's why we brought it to you.

81
00:03:26,430 --> 00:03:28,362
We assume there's some kind of test
you can run with some of these machine.

82
00:03:28,446 --> 00:03:31,227
You don't actually have to do
any tests 'cause I already know

83
00:03:31,313 --> 00:03:32,731
it's Charlie's poop and not
mine.

84
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:36,253
You have a hole in the back
of your pajamas.

85
00:03:36,348 --> 00:03:36,895
It's not my poop!

86
00:03:36,980 --> 00:03:38,429
You've been sleeping
in a giant dress shirt.

87
00:03:38,522 --> 00:03:40,404
It probably just fell out
the bottom of it.

88
00:03:40,489 --> 00:03:43,309
Okay, clearly, we need to figure
this out before it tears us apart.

89
00:03:43,397 --> 00:03:45,356
The only way for us to get to
the bottom of this is for you

90
00:03:45,441 --> 00:03:46,930
to tear that poop apart and tell us
what's inside of it.

91
00:03:47,015 --> 00:03:48,732
You know, get inside there.

92
00:03:49,060 --> 00:03:52,432
You want me to examine a
plastic container full of feces?

93
00:03:54,953 --> 00:03:56,552
I feel like you're going to
say something else right there

94
00:03:56,639 --> 00:03:57,948
and then you stopped, right?

95
00:03:58,134 --> 00:03:59,101
Please get out of my lab.

96
00:03:59,295 --> 00:04:00,393
That wasn't what
he was going to say.

97
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:01,578
Man, why'd you have to go there?

98
00:04:01,673 --> 00:04:02,609
Look, it's a simple job.

99
00:04:02,692 --> 00:04:04,373
By the way, there's no
reason to be harsh.

100
00:04:04,459 --> 00:04:05,868
Tiny little simple poop test!

101
00:04:05,953 --> 00:04:08,276
You just missed out on an
extraordinary adventure, pal.

102
00:04:08,358 --> 00:04:09,134
Let's get out of here.

103
00:04:09,222 --> 00:04:11,169
There's other ways to
figure this out.

104
00:04:11,438 --> 00:04:12,201
Pussy!

105
00:04:20,288 --> 00:04:21,366
You got turd?

106
00:04:21,452 --> 00:04:22,833
Yeah, we got a turd.

107
00:04:23,068 --> 00:04:24,406
I'll take a look at it.

108
00:04:26,073 --> 00:04:30,240
Okay, well... it's definitely poop.

109
00:04:30,326 --> 00:04:32,637
Uh, yeah, we know that, guy.

110
00:04:34,437 --> 00:04:37,075
Whoever it was seems to have
been eating newspaper.

111
00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:39,342
All right, well, now we're
getting somewhere.

112
00:04:39,438 --> 00:04:41,107
Which one of you idiots was
eating a goddamn newspaper?

113
00:04:41,191 --> 00:04:42,311
It's gonna go both ways, dude.

114
00:04:42,395 --> 00:04:43,433
- Really?
- I'm sorry, yeah.

115
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:44,417
What else? What else?

116
00:04:44,509 --> 00:04:45,828
This appears to be a piece
of a credit card.

117
00:04:46,546 --> 00:04:47,882
Inconclusive.

118
00:04:47,968 --> 00:04:49,989
How is that not specific
to one of you?

119
00:04:50,073 --> 00:04:51,584
I wish it was, man, but
that's inconclusive.

120
00:04:51,669 --> 00:04:52,837
But you've got to...

121
00:04:52,922 --> 00:04:55,191
There's a good deal
of blood in this stool.

122
00:04:55,289 --> 00:04:56,035
Of course there is.

123
00:04:56,122 --> 00:04:57,528
Whoever's it is should see a doctor.

124
00:04:57,613 --> 00:04:58,783
Well, don't give us judgments.

125
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:00,515
Just tell us what's in there.

126
00:05:00,604 --> 00:05:01,170
What else?

127
00:05:01,907 --> 00:05:03,172
- This is wolf hair.
- Wolf air.

128
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,049
Also inconclusive.

129
00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:05,990
Jesus Christ!

130
00:05:06,074 --> 00:05:08,295
There is so much wolf hair in
our apartment right now, man.

131
00:05:08,382 --> 00:05:09,438
But why are you eating it?

132
00:05:09,524 --> 00:05:10,953
Well, you ingest everything.

133
00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:12,276
Both of you are eating wolf?

134
00:05:12,362 --> 00:05:13,500
Have you tried it before?

135
00:05:13,587 --> 00:05:14,532
All right, guys!

136
00:05:14,969 --> 00:05:16,085
This is getting us nowhere.

137
00:05:16,170 --> 00:05:17,401
Can we move on
to the DNA test, please?

138
00:05:17,487 --> 00:05:18,452
That's a good idea.

139
00:05:18,537 --> 00:05:19,256
DNA's good.

140
00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:20,185
Yeah, I can't do that.

141
00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:20,890
What do you mean?

142
00:05:20,982 --> 00:05:22,553
- Aren't you a scientist?
- Yeah, do it.

143
00:05:22,827 --> 00:05:23,916
No, I'm an Econ major.

144
00:05:24,004 --> 00:05:25,539
I just wanted to look
at some poop.

145
00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:28,017
You're not a scientist?!

146
00:05:28,101 --> 00:05:29,090
I never said I was a scientist.

147
00:05:29,174 --> 00:05:30,472
Bro, you have wasted out time.

148
00:05:30,556 --> 00:05:31,564
You have ruined our turd.

149
00:05:31,650 --> 00:05:33,072
That's the only piece of
evidence that we have.

150
00:05:38,478 --> 00:05:39,738
Who is she again?

151
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,162
Oh, that's Artemis.

152
00:05:41,256 --> 00:05:44,177
She's the sassy one who always
plays by her own rules.

153
00:05:44,265 --> 00:05:45,753
Guys are playing hard to get.

154
00:05:45,836 --> 00:05:47,990
I'm gonna take off
my bra, blast my nips.

155
00:05:48,074 --> 00:05:49,289
Okay, let's hold on that.

156
00:05:49,378 --> 00:05:51,855
I think what we need to do
is just talk and have fun.

157
00:05:51,953 --> 00:05:53,470
Bring 'em to us, you know?

158
00:05:53,568 --> 00:05:55,807
So Artemis, where'd you get
that great top?

159
00:05:55,893 --> 00:05:57,423
Burmington Coat Factory.

160
00:05:57,509 --> 00:05:59,729
I got it on sale.
It's irregular.

161
00:06:03,272 --> 00:06:04,208
Excuse me!

162
00:06:04,415 --> 00:06:06,024
Hi, can we get
three Cosmos, please?

163
00:06:06,109 --> 00:06:07,257
Actually, make mine a water.

164
00:06:07,343 --> 00:06:08,691
Water? We're in a bar.

165
00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,133
Yeah, well, I have
a drinking problem.

166
00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:12,921
That's a horribly unattractive
thing to announce to everybody.

167
00:06:13,007 --> 00:06:14,597
I'd like a water, please.

168
00:06:14,681 --> 00:06:16,199
She'll take a Cosmo and
she'll just hold it in her hand.

169
00:06:16,284 --> 00:06:17,593
- That's fine.
- That is a terrible idea.

170
00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:19,567
It's a pretty good idea if you
want to get that notebook back.

171
00:06:19,652 --> 00:06:21,043
Yeah, I'll take a Jager Bomb.

172
00:06:21,127 --> 00:06:22,536
No Jager Bombs.

173
00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:23,879
Fine, Irish Car Bomb.

174
00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:24,833
Sake Bomb?

175
00:06:24,916 --> 00:06:26,988
Nothing with "bombs"
in the name, okay?

176
00:06:27,083 --> 00:06:28,322
Please, the Cosmos.

177
00:06:28,405 --> 00:06:29,442
Go get the Cosmos.

178
00:06:29,529 --> 00:06:30,599
Thanks a lot.

179
00:06:30,683 --> 00:06:31,679
Goddamn it!

180
00:06:32,616 --> 00:06:34,485
Hottie alert at 2:00.

181
00:06:34,582 --> 00:06:35,741
Here they come. Incoming.

182
00:06:35,823 --> 00:06:37,015
Okay, let me do the talking.

183
00:06:37,108 --> 00:06:37,916
What's up, ladies?

184
00:06:38,002 --> 00:06:40,300
Not much, just enjoying the view.

185
00:06:40,385 --> 00:06:41,586
Name's Artemis.

186
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,030
I have a bleached asshole.

187
00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:51,148
Okay, it's time to move on to
the reenactment and dramatization.

188
00:06:51,235 --> 00:06:53,003
Jesus Christ, Frank,
you sleep in that?

189
00:06:53,138 --> 00:06:54,265
My legs get hot.

190
00:06:54,353 --> 00:06:56,101
Well, I definitely see how something
could have slipped out of there.

191
00:06:56,187 --> 00:06:56,794
Absolutely.

192
00:06:56,889 --> 00:06:58,737
That would have fallen right
out in the middle of the bed.

193
00:06:58,825 --> 00:07:00,440
What about Charlie's hole?

194
00:07:00,679 --> 00:07:02,931
Just get into the bed, please, and
show us how you sleep, guys.

195
00:07:05,401 --> 00:07:07,288
Well, right off the bat,
I think there's a clear solution

196
00:07:07,377 --> 00:07:08,652
could have prevented
this entire thing.

197
00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:10,007
You guys need to get two beds.

198
00:07:10,092 --> 00:07:12,865
Oh, maybe I'll get two TVs
and two refrigerators.

199
00:07:12,951 --> 00:07:14,027
What are you talking about?

200
00:07:14,112 --> 00:07:15,884
Do we come to your house
and tell you how to sleep?

201
00:07:15,976 --> 00:07:18,017
I sleep in a king-sized bed
by myself.

202
00:07:18,112 --> 00:07:19,983
When I have to go to the
bathroom, I use a toilet.

203
00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:22,499
Look at... He... Dennis on
his bed made for kings

204
00:07:22,583 --> 00:07:24,003
with his toilet made out of gold.

205
00:07:24,090 --> 00:07:26,110
Okay, guys, everybody calm
down, please.

206
00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:27,792
This is not about lifestyle.

207
00:07:27,890 --> 00:07:29,258
This is not about judgments.

208
00:07:29,342 --> 00:07:30,983
This is about truth, okay?

209
00:07:31,068 --> 00:07:33,716
Now, Charlie and Frank, show us
how you were positioned

210
00:07:33,812 --> 00:07:34,780
the night of the incident.

211
00:07:34,866 --> 00:07:36,583
Excuse me. Incidents.

212
00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:39,502
All right, well, I'm pretty sure
I was sleeping like this that night.

213
00:07:39,587 --> 00:07:41,188
It's just, like, no way it
could have been me.

214
00:07:41,281 --> 00:07:44,644
Charlie, we sleep ass to ass,
you know that.

215
00:07:44,731 --> 00:07:45,427
Oh, great.

216
00:07:45,513 --> 00:07:47,525
Okay, clearly, we're having
a problem with honesty here.

217
00:07:47,619 --> 00:07:48,635
Dennis, a word.

218
00:07:50,745 --> 00:07:52,235
I hate to say it, bro, but
I think we're gonna have

219
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,659
to do an overnight observation.

220
00:07:53,744 --> 00:07:55,655
Yeah, well, to be honest with
you, I wouldn't mind seeing how

221
00:07:55,738 --> 00:07:57,117
this whole situation really works.

222
00:07:57,202 --> 00:07:58,281
Fascinating.

223
00:08:08,972 --> 00:08:11,945
Well, this just gets weirder
and weirder, man.

224
00:08:15,550 --> 00:08:16,516
Anything?

225
00:08:16,754 --> 00:08:17,610
Nothing.

226
00:08:17,906 --> 00:08:18,932
False alarm.

227
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,471
Damn it, dude, we can't keep
doing this all night.

228
00:08:21,555 --> 00:08:22,751
Oh, I know. You know what.

229
00:08:22,839 --> 00:08:24,265
Why don't we sleep in shifts?

230
00:08:24,352 --> 00:08:26,153
Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying
this isn't important work

231
00:08:26,237 --> 00:08:27,714
- but I can't keep my eyes open.
- No, I hear you.

232
00:08:27,812 --> 00:08:28,787
I hear you. I hear you.

233
00:08:29,024 --> 00:08:30,122
All right, I'll tell you what.

234
00:08:30,216 --> 00:08:32,467
You go ahead and go first.
I still got a little energy left.

235
00:08:33,074 --> 00:08:34,674
I don't know about
this floor, Dennis.

236
00:08:34,759 --> 00:08:36,028
It's covered in sand or something.

237
00:08:36,121 --> 00:08:38,034
No. It smells like some
kind of spice blend or pesticide,

238
00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:40,209
or some other kind of
sandy poison or something.

239
00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:42,294
I don't know. I wouldn't sleep
on the floor, though.

240
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:44,299
- You got to sleep with them?
- You got to, you got to.

241
00:08:44,384 --> 00:08:45,703
You sure you're all right?

242
00:08:45,788 --> 00:08:47,658
- Yeah, I'm fine. I got it.
- You sure?

243
00:08:47,741 --> 00:08:50,756
Okay, I'm just gonna sleep for,
like, 15 minutes, right?

244
00:08:50,961 --> 00:08:53,560
And then you wake me up, and
then we'll switch it off.

245
00:08:53,838 --> 00:08:55,586
- You good?
- I'm fine.

246
00:08:56,654 --> 00:08:57,611
My God.

247
00:09:17,318 --> 00:09:18,276
My God!

248
00:09:25,574 --> 00:09:27,901
If we're going to be
meeting sophisticated men,

249
00:09:27,986 --> 00:09:29,475
we need to start
acting with class.

250
00:09:29,557 --> 00:09:32,182
We cannot be telling people that
we have bleached assholes.

251
00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:33,856
He was gonna find out anyway.

252
00:09:33,950 --> 00:09:34,455
Oh, my God.

253
00:09:34,557 --> 00:09:37,201
And you, you shouldn't be
drinking in a shoe store.

254
00:09:37,289 --> 00:09:39,834
You shouldn't be drinking
in a shoe store.

255
00:09:39,927 --> 00:09:41,746
What is the matter with you?
I told you to pace yourself.

256
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,250
I have a drinking problem.

257
00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:45,218
Well, then, you should know how
to hold your booze a little better.

258
00:09:45,303 --> 00:09:47,571
I'll hold your boobs
a little better.

259
00:09:47,657 --> 00:09:48,436
Oh, good one.

260
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:49,621
Ladies, can I help you?

261
00:09:49,707 --> 00:09:51,328
Hello. We are here for the Manolos.

262
00:09:51,408 --> 00:09:53,209
- And what's your shoe size?
- 13.

263
00:09:54,537 --> 00:09:56,634
We don't carry shoes that large.

264
00:09:56,866 --> 00:09:59,842
Perhaps you'd like to try the
Big and Tall store down the street?

265
00:09:59,935 --> 00:10:01,068
You know what?

266
00:10:01,331 --> 00:10:04,154
I don't like this bitch's attitude.

267
00:10:07,814 --> 00:10:10,370
Did she just try and break
a bottle over my head?

268
00:10:10,451 --> 00:10:11,823
No, of course she didn't.

269
00:10:11,918 --> 00:10:13,683
Girls, I'll meet you outside.

270
00:10:14,009 --> 00:10:14,891
Get her.

271
00:10:17,875 --> 00:10:21,216
Okay. Just the littlest bit snug,
aren't they?

272
00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:23,713
There we go.

273
00:10:23,947 --> 00:10:24,921
Cute, though, huh?

274
00:10:25,014 --> 00:10:26,055
How much?

275
00:10:26,141 --> 00:10:27,778
- 700.
- 700?

276
00:10:27,863 --> 00:10:29,470
Yes, well, I'll tell you what.

277
00:10:29,557 --> 00:10:32,250
You pay for quality 'cause there's
so much crap out there these days.

278
00:10:33,192 --> 00:10:36,704
Man, I am excited to bust my
dogs out in these tonight.

279
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:40,127
We're going to a French
restaurant... Le Bistro.

280
00:10:40,213 --> 00:10:40,954
It's five stars, so...

281
00:10:41,037 --> 00:10:42,606
I don't know if you've been to it.

282
00:10:42,693 --> 00:10:44,343
That sounds great, but
this has been declined.

283
00:10:44,427 --> 00:10:45,439
Declined?

284
00:10:45,523 --> 00:10:47,012
You're kidding me!

285
00:10:47,376 --> 00:10:48,914
Oh! Makes me so mad.

286
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,347
Like, the credit card companies...
the way they waste your time.

287
00:10:52,435 --> 00:10:54,242
Probably protecting me.
I spent a lot of money today.

288
00:10:54,334 --> 00:10:55,206
Try that one.

289
00:10:56,836 --> 00:10:57,964
Excuse me.

290
00:11:05,449 --> 00:11:06,352
Oh, God.

291
00:11:08,451 --> 00:11:09,938
Did it not go through?

292
00:11:11,467 --> 00:11:14,921
What motive could a man possibly
have for pooping where he sleeps?

293
00:11:15,490 --> 00:11:18,116
- I love that bed.
- Don't buy this act.

294
00:11:18,201 --> 00:11:20,775
Frank, I will jam that poop right back
up your ass where it came from.

295
00:11:20,908 --> 00:11:21,810
You know in that bed...

296
00:11:21,895 --> 00:11:25,108
Guys, guys, guys, clearly, we're
exhausted and full of emotion,

297
00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:27,597
but we should not be
threatening each other with

298
00:11:27,692 --> 00:11:29,790
jamming feces into
each other's assholes, okay?

299
00:11:29,873 --> 00:11:31,432
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait. Hold on a second.

300
00:11:31,527 --> 00:11:33,422
What if we had them
produce another sample,

301
00:11:33,508 --> 00:11:35,396
and we cross-reference the samples?

302
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:40,206
They'd have to do it in front
of us so that there's no foul play.

303
00:11:41,258 --> 00:11:42,458
I can't go now.

304
00:11:42,540 --> 00:11:43,483
Really?

305
00:11:43,565 --> 00:11:45,255
I could probably squeeze
something out.

306
00:11:45,340 --> 00:11:47,167
I'll get some newspaper.

307
00:11:47,252 --> 00:11:47,976
This is exciting.

308
00:11:48,057 --> 00:11:49,419
This is very exciting.

309
00:11:49,723 --> 00:11:51,389
Why, of all places, are we here?

310
00:11:51,474 --> 00:11:54,110
Because it's your bar, and
we're gonna drink for free.

311
00:11:54,197 --> 00:11:55,814
Well, damn it, waitress,
that is not what I wanted.

312
00:11:55,996 --> 00:11:59,517
How? How do you still not
know what my name is?!

313
00:11:59,614 --> 00:12:00,315
Oh, I'm sorry.

314
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,858
I'm supposed to
be expected to rember

315
00:12:01,943 --> 00:12:04,337
everyone's name
at all moments of the day.

316
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:07,187
This is the opposite of where
we're supposed to be.

317
00:12:10,786 --> 00:12:13,760
Oh, Dee, we were just on
the verge of a major breakthrough.

318
00:12:13,844 --> 00:12:14,848
He was turtle-heading.

319
00:12:14,931 --> 00:12:15,685
Turtle-heading!

320
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,733
No, there was no turtles anywhere.

321
00:12:17,830 --> 00:12:19,378
Were you just pooping on the floor?

322
00:12:19,461 --> 00:12:20,136
No, I was not.

323
00:12:20,221 --> 00:12:22,604
That was an endurance contest,
which I won, by the way...

324
00:12:22,690 --> 00:12:24,568
- You're paying for that.
- She doesn't have to pay for that.

325
00:12:24,739 --> 00:12:25,902
- Yes, she does.
- Bite me, asshole.

326
00:12:25,985 --> 00:12:28,001
You have a bad attitude
when you're drinking.

327
00:12:28,096 --> 00:12:32,087
You have a bad attitude when
you're drinking, you huge-footed slut.

328
00:12:32,261 --> 00:12:33,011
You know what?

329
00:12:33,108 --> 00:12:36,669
I'm just gonna go get more wasted,
and then I'm gonna bang some rim, dude.

330
00:12:36,754 --> 00:12:37,994
Really? Could it be this guy?

331
00:12:38,079 --> 00:12:39,646
No, it can't, but it could be Dennis.

332
00:12:39,729 --> 00:12:40,531
Pass.

333
00:12:40,628 --> 00:12:42,506
Whatever. You know what?

334
00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:43,840
I'm gonna take this.

335
00:12:45,308 --> 00:12:48,413
I'm gonna take this, and
I'll see you assholes later.

336
00:12:48,506 --> 00:12:50,263
- That is my notebook.
- Free coffee for a year.

337
00:12:50,359 --> 00:12:51,716
Wait a second.
Where did she get my note?

338
00:12:51,801 --> 00:12:53,231
- You know what? I have backups.
- What is with her?

339
00:12:53,317 --> 00:12:54,537
Something about drinking.

340
00:12:54,632 --> 00:12:56,059
She just won't
stop talking about it.

341
00:12:56,156 --> 00:12:58,033
- What, the plates of shit?
- Somebody pooped the bed.

342
00:12:58,128 --> 00:12:59,048
Whatever. Let's get out of here.

343
00:13:00,107 --> 00:13:03,002
We could use a fresh set
of eyes on this if you don't mind.

344
00:13:03,096 --> 00:13:03,750
No, thank you.

345
00:13:03,832 --> 00:13:06,787
I think that Artemis and I have
much better things to do, thank you.

346
00:13:06,882 --> 00:13:09,096
Actually, I'm just
gonna stick around.

347
00:13:09,192 --> 00:13:09,722
Excuse me?

348
00:13:09,808 --> 00:13:10,969
- You know.
- Are you kidding me?

349
00:13:11,063 --> 00:13:13,083
You know what?
Forget it, okay?

350
00:13:13,176 --> 00:13:14,196
I'm gonna do this by myself.

351
00:13:14,281 --> 00:13:16,526
I'm gonna go find some classy,
sophisticated people who can

352
00:13:16,613 --> 00:13:19,098
hold their booze, who don't talk
about their bleached assholes,

353
00:13:19,183 --> 00:13:21,225
and who aren't
obsessed with poop.

354
00:13:22,538 --> 00:13:25,180
Okay, bring me up
to speed here, boys.

355
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:38,868
This is an interesting piece.

356
00:13:39,579 --> 00:13:40,887
I love his use of space.

357
00:13:40,974 --> 00:13:43,199
The space... that's what
I loved about it.

358
00:13:43,285 --> 00:13:46,149
What do you think the chunky
earth tones represent?

359
00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:50,051
Look at the rich texture,
the dimensions.

360
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:51,953
It's almost as if
you can smell it.

361
00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:53,109
Oh, God...

362
00:13:53,203 --> 00:13:55,430
This is the piece
I was telling you about.

363
00:13:55,517 --> 00:13:56,916
It's unbelievable...

364
00:13:56,999 --> 00:14:00,490
and so raw, so base,
so utterly human.

365
00:14:00,785 --> 00:14:03,041
It's almost as if
it exploded out of the artist.

366
00:14:04,061 --> 00:14:05,709
Well... I think it's crap.

367
00:14:07,198 --> 00:14:08,012
Crap...

368
00:14:11,422 --> 00:14:12,383
Crap...

369
00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:13,469
Crap...

370
00:14:15,654 --> 00:14:16,485
Crap...

371
00:14:38,232 --> 00:14:38,956
You know what?

372
00:14:39,042 --> 00:14:41,699
Guys, let's just wrap up the evidence
and start again fresh tomorrow.

373
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,389
You think they'll keep, or
should we put them in the fridge?

374
00:14:45,113 --> 00:14:46,357
They'll keep fine.

375
00:14:50,443 --> 00:14:51,649
You know what?

376
00:14:51,733 --> 00:14:53,108
You guys win, all right?

377
00:14:53,203 --> 00:14:53,952
Are you happy?

378
00:14:54,046 --> 00:14:54,830
Win what?

379
00:14:56,393 --> 00:14:57,412
Heart failure!

380
00:14:57,715 --> 00:14:59,210
Check the circuit breaker.

381
00:15:04,424 --> 00:15:05,839
Nobody move!

382
00:15:06,426 --> 00:15:08,201
Everyone here's a suspect.

383
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,873
Put on another pot of coffee.

384
00:15:12,767 --> 00:15:14,503
It's gonna be a long night.

385
00:15:22,860 --> 00:15:26,513
Four turds, five suspects,

386
00:15:27,248 --> 00:15:30,723
so many, many nameless victims.

387
00:15:34,627 --> 00:15:37,204
The first poop was obviously Frank.

388
00:15:37,289 --> 00:15:39,987
Old and weak, he had
an accident, that's why

389
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:42,077
he was so intent on destroying it.

390
00:15:42,272 --> 00:15:44,287
There were many turds before
this one, weren't there, Frank?

391
00:15:44,373 --> 00:15:46,946
This was just the first time
you got caught, wasn't it?

392
00:15:47,032 --> 00:15:49,969
And then you went and did it
again the next night?

393
00:15:51,113 --> 00:15:52,318
Or did you?

394
00:15:53,025 --> 00:15:54,621
Two poops in two nights?

395
00:15:55,193 --> 00:15:58,029
Tall order for such a short man.

396
00:15:58,373 --> 00:16:03,260
No. The second poop belonged
to Charles.

397
00:16:03,424 --> 00:16:06,319
He wanted to get back at Frank,
but due to his poor diet,

398
00:16:06,416 --> 00:16:07,812
couldn't produce a turd.

399
00:16:07,895 --> 00:16:11,330
So he called Mac, who jumped
at the chance to see

400
00:16:11,417 --> 00:16:13,441
Frank humiliated one more time.

401
00:16:13,669 --> 00:16:17,962
But Charlie overlooked the fact that
Dennis listens to Mac's phone calls

402
00:16:18,048 --> 00:16:19,933
and he heard every word.

403
00:16:20,389 --> 00:16:23,805
Dennis was jealous that Charlie had
chosen Mac to help instead of him.

404
00:16:24,069 --> 00:16:26,782
He swore to have his revenge.

405
00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:29,905
That's why encouraged Mac
to sleep while he stayed up.

406
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:33,286
He was going to put the frame on
Mac by pooping next to him.

407
00:16:33,578 --> 00:16:37,295
But he didn't realize that
a futon slept on by the weight of

408
00:16:37,378 --> 00:16:41,246
three men would be off its axis
and slope to the center.

409
00:16:42,019 --> 00:16:43,925
And like a small brown snail...

410
00:16:44,954 --> 00:16:48,745
it crept to the middle between
Charlie and Frank.

411
00:16:50,421 --> 00:16:54,207
Deandra! You wanted in on
this poop war from the start.

412
00:16:54,294 --> 00:16:55,090
No, I didn't.

413
00:16:55,263 --> 00:16:55,877
The outcast?

414
00:16:56,393 --> 00:16:57,287
The slut?

415
00:16:57,595 --> 00:16:58,539
The bitch.

416
00:16:58,792 --> 00:16:59,748
The whore.

417
00:17:00,263 --> 00:17:02,787
The lonely, sad, slutty,
bitchy whore.

418
00:17:03,285 --> 00:17:06,898
You sat on the sidelines while
these four titans battled it out.

419
00:17:06,983 --> 00:17:10,370
You were jealous that a few pieces
of poop got more attention than you.

420
00:17:10,466 --> 00:17:14,273
That's why when the lights went out,
you unleashed some thunder of you own.

421
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:15,862
Thunder of the...

422
00:17:16,314 --> 00:17:17,942
chocolate variety.

423
00:17:20,238 --> 00:17:22,312
Oh, well, that would be
fine and dandy...

424
00:17:22,887 --> 00:17:24,414
if any of it were true.

425
00:17:24,966 --> 00:17:27,512
Can we wrap this up at some point?

426
00:17:27,791 --> 00:17:29,255
In due time, pretty face.

427
00:17:30,138 --> 00:17:31,404
In due time.

428
00:17:33,709 --> 00:17:36,967
Isn't it true you thought you'd been
pooping the bed for months now?

429
00:17:37,059 --> 00:17:40,227
You chalked it up to your old
plumbing and penchant for spicy foods.

430
00:17:40,308 --> 00:17:42,516
Morning after morning, you'd
bury your poop after you rose

431
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,147
to hide it from Charlie.

432
00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:47,526
But... convinced that Charlie had
discovered his dirty little secret,

433
00:17:47,621 --> 00:17:49,827
Frank pooped the bed again
the next night as revenge,

434
00:17:50,042 --> 00:17:52,636
only a lot more came out
than he expected.

435
00:17:52,932 --> 00:17:54,436
He had gone too far.

436
00:17:54,521 --> 00:17:55,867
I've gone too far.

437
00:17:56,144 --> 00:17:58,457
Due to the size and severity
of the poop, Frank concluded

438
00:17:58,543 --> 00:18:01,048
that Charlie had been pooping
the bed all along.

439
00:18:01,133 --> 00:18:03,498
And so he cleaned up the mess
and wandered the streets,

440
00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:06,120
looking for someone who could
replicate Charlie's small

441
00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:07,688
and malnourished turd.

442
00:18:07,774 --> 00:18:11,461
And that's where he came upon
his old friend, Rickety Cricket.

443
00:18:11,556 --> 00:18:12,180
Get up!

444
00:18:12,263 --> 00:18:15,581
Known the world over for his
ability to replicate any man's stool,

445
00:18:15,666 --> 00:18:19,421
Cricket came back
and committed fecal forgery.

446
00:18:20,024 --> 00:18:21,840
Which leads us to the third turd.

447
00:18:22,526 --> 00:18:24,920
Dennis and Mac thought it'd be
funny to put the frame on Frank

448
00:18:25,017 --> 00:18:26,672
and Charlie,
and so they both pooped.

449
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:33,373
But, as so often happens, the poop
rolled together and two became one.

450
00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:34,843
A turd merger...

451
00:18:35,076 --> 00:18:39,043
fused together by fear and
hatred... and hair.

452
00:18:39,643 --> 00:18:41,614
But on to the final poop!

453
00:18:41,931 --> 00:18:44,674
A poop that can
be traced back to Dee!

454
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:47,103
But not to her butt.

455
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:52,737
The waitress, drunk out of her
mind and furious that Dee had pushed

456
00:18:52,822 --> 00:18:55,817
her back into the arms of
the bottle, pooped in Dee's purse

457
00:18:55,914 --> 00:18:57,649
while Dee's back was turned.

458
00:19:00,291 --> 00:19:04,419
And Dee carried it unknowingly
until she arrived here and the lights

459
00:19:04,506 --> 00:19:07,558
went out and she was startled,
knocking her purse to the floor,

460
00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:09,886
causing the turd
to tumble where it stands

461
00:19:09,975 --> 00:19:12,230
before us, right now.

462
00:19:14,834 --> 00:19:16,188
So, as you can see,

463
00:19:18,274 --> 00:19:22,182
the mystery of who pooped the bed
has been solved.

464
00:19:23,066 --> 00:19:28,261
And yes my friends, in a way,
you're all guilty.

465
00:19:38,358 --> 00:19:39,324
I did it.

466
00:19:41,508 --> 00:19:42,826
- What?
- I did 'em all.

467
00:19:42,921 --> 00:19:43,776
I did all the poops.

468
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,086
- Really?
- Yeah, I did everyone of them.

469
00:19:46,169 --> 00:19:49,166
I even did one, while
she was rappin us, right here.

470
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:52,335
- Dude!
- Jesus!

471
00:19:52,429 --> 00:19:55,249
God! Why would you do that, dude?

472
00:19:55,423 --> 00:19:57,025
Because poop is funny.

473
00:19:59,754 --> 00:20:01,677
I guess poop is very funny.

474
00:20:01,913 --> 00:20:03,635
- Poop is funny.
- He pooped on the floor.

475
00:20:04,381 --> 00:20:06,759
You know what,
well-played my man!

476
00:20:07,074 --> 00:20:08,446
Well-played!

477
00:20:12,396 --> 00:20:13,699
I hate my life.

478
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:16,281
Seriously dude, don't ever
poop in our bed again.