1 00:00:01,420 --> 00:00:03,631 What were you even doing in that crawl space, Charlie? 2 00:00:03,744 --> 00:00:06,185 Well, for starters, I was minding my own business. 3 00:00:06,298 --> 00:00:07,985 I was also trying to do a little light reading, 4 00:00:08,098 --> 00:00:09,642 and then I was putting some cheese in the rat traps. 5 00:00:09,755 --> 00:00:10,952 You were putting the cheese in the rat traps? 6 00:00:11,065 --> 00:00:12,208 - Can I smell your mouth? - Why? 7 00:00:12,321 --> 00:00:13,765 You were eating the cheese, weren't you, outof the rat traps? 8 00:00:13,878 --> 00:00:16,564 No! Well, yes. I mean, I was eating the old cheese 9 00:00:16,677 --> 00:00:18,213 to test it, see why the rats weren't eating it. 10 00:00:18,328 --> 00:00:20,001 Why are you always doing such weird things, Charlie? 11 00:00:20,115 --> 00:00:22,843 I do weird things? Name another thing that you think is weird. 12 00:00:22,965 --> 00:00:25,932 I caught you stealing a bunch of coins out of the fountain at Logan Circle. 13 00:00:26,045 --> 00:00:29,341 I was acquiring a little bit of cash to pay my spy, Dee. 14 00:00:29,458 --> 00:00:31,640 - Why do you have a spy? - To spy the waitress. 15 00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:33,991 - Of course I have a spy. - Is that normal to you? 16 00:00:34,104 --> 00:00:35,640 Shut up and give me my book back, please. 17 00:00:35,754 --> 00:00:37,481 Hey, guys, what book you keep going on and on about? 18 00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:38,830 It's nothing. You don't need to see it. 19 00:00:38,953 --> 00:00:40,828 My God! Whoa! 20 00:00:41,293 --> 00:00:44,018 These are my... these are my memoirs. Charlie, you found my book! 21 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:47,519 I wrote a memoirs. Hey, guys, Charlie found my memoirs! 22 00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:48,638 Your memoirs? 23 00:00:48,753 --> 00:00:50,616 I've been keeping track of all my sexual exploits, 24 00:00:50,732 --> 00:00:54,716 and I was going to unleash them on the world in a fiery blaze of eroticism. 25 00:00:55,141 --> 00:00:56,835 Slow down a second, Dennis. 26 00:00:56,950 --> 00:01:00,044 - You wrote a book? - It's more of a tale of redemption 27 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,545 - told through my erotic travels. - Giddyup, man! That's amazing. 28 00:01:03,659 --> 00:01:04,885 That's good stuff, right? Yeah. 29 00:01:05,011 --> 00:01:07,286 But then, one day, the book just sort of went mysteriously missing. 30 00:01:07,398 --> 00:01:08,685 Charlie, what the hell were you doing with it? 31 00:01:08,808 --> 00:01:12,194 Well, since he can't read, I'm guessing he was masturbating to your pictures. 32 00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:14,182 - Goddamn! Jacking off to my... - No, no! 33 00:01:14,297 --> 00:01:16,494 That's... Not at all! You know, what are you doing to me? 34 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,661 Why are you doing this? You've been riding me. 35 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,883 Now you're accusing me of things. You just don't get it. 36 00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:22,811 You don't know why I do the things that I do. 37 00:01:22,927 --> 00:01:25,041 It's nuts! You don't know how hard I got it, Dee. 38 00:01:25,155 --> 00:01:26,902 You've got it pretty tough? Your life is pretty hard? 39 00:01:27,026 --> 00:01:28,999 How would you like to walk a mile in my shoes, huh? 40 00:01:29,117 --> 00:01:30,761 Try your old buddy Charlie on for size. 41 00:01:30,887 --> 00:01:32,119 You want me to walk a mile in your shoes 42 00:01:32,234 --> 00:01:34,028 'cause I can't handle your big, tough life? I will. 43 00:01:34,145 --> 00:01:35,409 That sounds fine to me. I will do that. 44 00:01:35,524 --> 00:01:37,101 Oh, my God! Shut up! 45 00:01:37,216 --> 00:01:39,028 Dennis, what's the name of this book? 46 00:01:40,122 --> 00:01:43,736 Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life. 47 00:02:17,614 --> 00:02:20,204 "I removed my robe and stood before her..." 48 00:02:20,509 --> 00:02:23,941 taut, nubile, proud. 49 00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:27,806 "She was much, much older than me, but her breasts" 50 00:02:28,179 --> 00:02:29,794 were awesome. 51 00:02:30,138 --> 00:02:34,900 "I felt reborn, baptized in erotic majesty." 52 00:02:37,130 --> 00:02:39,973 - Yeah! - This is some sweet smut! 53 00:02:40,180 --> 00:02:41,901 - I'm all boned up over here. - Me, too! 54 00:02:42,027 --> 00:02:43,479 Dennis, we should try and sell this book. 55 00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:44,997 Personal memoirs are huge right now. 56 00:02:45,122 --> 00:02:46,887 Yeah, yeah. No. I'm going to sell the book, okay, 57 00:02:46,999 --> 00:02:48,332 but I'm not going to let you guys be involved 58 00:02:48,448 --> 00:02:51,092 because, every time you're involved, you get all excited about something, 59 00:02:51,217 --> 00:02:53,319 and then you give up the minute we hit the first speed bump. 60 00:02:53,442 --> 00:02:55,646 You need us, Dennis. You're going to need some legal help. 61 00:02:55,859 --> 00:02:58,025 Legal help? What the hell you talking about, man? 62 00:02:58,138 --> 00:03:00,771 Bro, half the stories you just read us are total bullshit. 63 00:03:00,885 --> 00:03:02,209 They're not bullshit. What are you saying? 64 00:03:02,324 --> 00:03:06,005 Dennis, you were never the personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi! 65 00:03:06,121 --> 00:03:09,241 And you never woke up in a rehab facility with the wounds of Christ 66 00:03:09,365 --> 00:03:11,818 miraculously appearing on your hands and feet! 67 00:03:11,932 --> 00:03:13,745 Yeah, man, but I did... I banged that girl in the fountain. 68 00:03:13,862 --> 00:03:15,896 That story was true... the hot dog, the oatmeal, everything. 69 00:03:16,011 --> 00:03:18,703 Dude, you don't want to end up like that Million Little Pieces guy, okay? 70 00:03:18,814 --> 00:03:20,759 Oprah made him look like a total dick. 71 00:03:20,873 --> 00:03:22,769 That guy was a turd. I mean, come on. 72 00:03:22,891 --> 00:03:25,074 Just take some of those stories out. 73 00:03:25,190 --> 00:03:27,153 You can't take those stories out. That's the rub! 74 00:03:27,266 --> 00:03:28,731 That's why he needs us. 75 00:03:28,847 --> 00:03:32,596 Because the public loves those crazy celebrity stories and rehab shit. 76 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:33,875 Okay, well, so what are you thinking? 77 00:03:33,989 --> 00:03:36,700 I'm thinking we take some of the really good stories, 78 00:03:36,827 --> 00:03:39,740 you know... the Jon Bon Jovi, the Christ wound stigmatas... 79 00:03:39,855 --> 00:03:41,165 and we recreate them. 80 00:03:41,283 --> 00:03:43,943 We make them true so that people can't prove that they didn't happen! 81 00:03:44,059 --> 00:03:46,463 My God! Recreate some of the better stories in here, 82 00:03:46,577 --> 00:03:47,821 - and then we have proof! - Yes! 83 00:03:47,935 --> 00:03:49,169 Holy shit, man! That's a good idea. 84 00:03:49,292 --> 00:03:53,273 Now, first things first. We got to figure out how to get you into rehab. 85 00:03:55,645 --> 00:03:57,760 Charlie, do I really have to sleep here? 86 00:03:57,875 --> 00:03:59,586 Dee, if you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, 87 00:03:59,702 --> 00:04:01,854 this is a pretty big part of that mile, don't you think? 88 00:04:02,049 --> 00:04:03,284 - Here. Put these on. - No. 89 00:04:03,398 --> 00:04:05,752 I don't want to wear one of your dirty sleeping outfits. 90 00:04:05,876 --> 00:04:07,987 I'm sorry, Dee, but my "outfits," as you like to call them, 91 00:04:08,112 --> 00:04:09,476 serve a very specific purpose, all right? 92 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,016 This isn't just for fun. 93 00:04:11,129 --> 00:04:12,824 I don't have any heating ducts in this apartment. 94 00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:14,580 It gets freezing in here at night, all right? 95 00:04:14,695 --> 00:04:17,537 Now, in case you have to pee-pee, I got this for you, all right? 96 00:04:17,873 --> 00:04:20,027 - Oh, my God! - Goddamn it! 97 00:04:20,141 --> 00:04:21,384 Frank was supposed to empty that. 98 00:04:21,509 --> 00:04:22,971 Totally, no wonder! It reeks in here! 99 00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:24,829 You have open cans of pee everywhere! 100 00:04:24,945 --> 00:04:27,906 Well, I'm sorry, but you do not want to use that bathroom! 101 00:04:28,021 --> 00:04:29,275 Now, eat one of these, all right? 102 00:04:29,388 --> 00:04:31,662 You're going to want to huff a little glue and drink some beer. 103 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,979 - This is cat food, Charlie. - Dee, I can explain it, all right? 104 00:04:35,094 --> 00:04:37,236 There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens 105 00:04:37,350 --> 00:04:39,054 when you combine cat food, beer and glue. 106 00:04:39,169 --> 00:04:41,152 It makes you feel, like, extremely sick and tired. 107 00:04:41,268 --> 00:04:43,140 - You're able to fall asleep. - Why would I want to make myself 108 00:04:43,265 --> 00:04:44,378 extremely sick and tired? 109 00:04:44,494 --> 00:04:46,188 'Cause there's going to be about 50 cats howling outside 110 00:04:46,313 --> 00:04:49,893 that window all night long, and you have no idea how loud 50 cats can be. 111 00:04:50,019 --> 00:04:52,080 Okay, maybe there wouldn't be cats surrounding your building 112 00:04:52,195 --> 00:04:53,680 if you didn't have open cans of cat food everywhere. 113 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,717 I have 50 cats howling outside my window 114 00:04:55,832 --> 00:04:59,072 because I have 10,000 rats running around my building, Dee, okay?! 115 00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,151 - Stop yelling. - I'm not an idiot! 116 00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:02,430 There's a reason to do the things that I... oh! 117 00:05:05,351 --> 00:05:06,704 It's starting right on time. 118 00:05:06,818 --> 00:05:09,642 If I were you, I'd start wolfing that shit down. 119 00:05:10,506 --> 00:05:12,170 I got to go to sleep. 120 00:05:13,233 --> 00:05:15,625 Oh, I'm not feeling good at all. 121 00:06:20,341 --> 00:06:23,371 Come play with us forever 122 00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:26,158 and forever, and forever... 123 00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:30,946 Occupado. 124 00:06:45,534 --> 00:06:48,084 Wake up! Let's go! Time to start the day! 125 00:06:48,201 --> 00:06:50,034 - Time to get up! - Charlie! Oh, God! 126 00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:52,132 Oh, God! There's evil twins in the... 127 00:06:52,247 --> 00:06:53,739 in the hallway, and a twitching junkie in... 128 00:06:53,865 --> 00:06:55,556 What? How much of that glue did you huff? 129 00:06:55,670 --> 00:06:56,865 I don't know. As much as you did. 130 00:06:56,979 --> 00:06:58,884 As much as me? Really? 131 00:06:59,359 --> 00:07:01,561 Well, that's probably way too much glue for you, Dee. 132 00:07:01,674 --> 00:07:04,197 Hey, check it out. You just had yourself a glue O.D., 133 00:07:04,313 --> 00:07:05,647 and those are pretty regular in my life, 134 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,854 so you learned another lesson: Don't do too much glue or your night sucks. 135 00:07:08,979 --> 00:07:11,260 Hold on a second. You're saying that your life is so terrible 136 00:07:11,384 --> 00:07:14,675 because you eat rat cheese and cat food and huff glue all day long? 137 00:07:14,791 --> 00:07:15,854 Uh... yeah. 138 00:07:15,972 --> 00:07:17,732 Those aren't real problems, Charlie. 139 00:07:17,847 --> 00:07:19,133 What do you mean, they're not real problems? 140 00:07:19,246 --> 00:07:21,841 You make those problems up. You choose to do that stuff. 141 00:07:21,956 --> 00:07:23,759 - Those are solutions to problems. - Oh, my God! 142 00:07:23,874 --> 00:07:25,753 You know what? Hold on a second. 143 00:07:26,087 --> 00:07:27,515 We're going to turn the tables here. 144 00:07:27,626 --> 00:07:29,632 You're going to walk a mile in myshoes now, 145 00:07:29,814 --> 00:07:31,709 and you're going to see what it's like to live in the real world 146 00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,275 and have actual problems. 147 00:07:33,393 --> 00:07:35,366 Okay. You got some glue on your face, Dee. You might want to wash it off. 148 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:36,664 Damn it. 149 00:07:41,095 --> 00:07:42,725 Okay, plan is simple. 150 00:07:42,841 --> 00:07:44,966 You're gonna hang out at the rehab facility for a couple a days 151 00:07:45,081 --> 00:07:47,163 while we get the ball rolling with Bon Jovi. 152 00:07:47,276 --> 00:07:49,080 Uh, yeah, I gotta say I'm a little skeptical 153 00:07:49,195 --> 00:07:52,655 about you guys being able to get in touch with Jon Bon Jovi. 154 00:07:52,771 --> 00:07:55,014 What? What do you mean? He's from New Jersey. 155 00:07:55,136 --> 00:07:57,692 - Piece of cake. - Have a little faith in us, please. 156 00:07:57,804 --> 00:07:59,716 Plus, it's easy. We just get you into a room with him, 157 00:07:59,841 --> 00:08:02,354 snap a couple of photos, we got proof, bing-bang-boom, we're done. 158 00:08:02,470 --> 00:08:04,553 Now let's talks stigmatas. 159 00:08:04,679 --> 00:08:07,011 Right. Do we have to do the stigmatas? 160 00:08:07,193 --> 00:08:10,327 Dennis, you know that this publisher is gonna have a fact checker, right? 161 00:08:10,442 --> 00:08:11,507 - Yeah. - You don't want to end up like 162 00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,104 the Million Little Pieces guy, do you? 163 00:08:13,217 --> 00:08:14,621 I brought a nail gun. 164 00:08:14,738 --> 00:08:17,148 Is that what that is? Look, you're not gonna shoot nails in me. 165 00:08:17,263 --> 00:08:19,326 No, I think a couple of severe burns 166 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,534 from the cigar is what's gonna do the trick. 167 00:08:21,659 --> 00:08:23,243 No, no, no, you need deep wounds. 168 00:08:23,588 --> 00:08:25,741 - This'll give you deep wounds. - Hold on a second, no! 169 00:08:26,084 --> 00:08:29,267 - Nobody's gonna burn me! - Dennis, calm down! Calm down! 170 00:08:29,382 --> 00:08:31,044 You focus on your art, okay? 171 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,074 Frank and I will handle the business end of things. 172 00:08:33,199 --> 00:08:35,320 If you guys really want to do the stigmata thing... 173 00:08:38,002 --> 00:08:39,345 Okay, good work, Frank. 174 00:08:39,460 --> 00:08:42,102 Now I think we should just probably leave the body right here, right? 175 00:08:42,216 --> 00:08:43,620 And then in the morning, they'll come out and find him. 176 00:08:43,734 --> 00:08:45,231 All right, give me his hands. 177 00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:50,398 So I don't go to a therapist. I just go to bars. 178 00:08:50,515 --> 00:08:53,289 If you walk up to the nearest drunk guy and bup him from behind, 179 00:08:53,413 --> 00:08:55,157 he always turns around and goes, "Hey, man, 180 00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,047 what's your problem?". 181 00:08:57,315 --> 00:08:59,109 Dee, this guy is great! 182 00:08:59,222 --> 00:09:01,776 Do you come here every night? Every night, huh? This is great. 183 00:09:01,904 --> 00:09:03,986 Hey, do the have food, too? 'Cause I could go for some food. 184 00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:06,114 No, no, no food. I don't eat when I'm here. 185 00:09:06,241 --> 00:09:07,793 - Well, when do you eat? - I don't. 186 00:09:07,912 --> 00:09:10,016 Why don't you eat dinner, Dee? You got to eat dinner sometime. 187 00:09:10,142 --> 00:09:12,272 Because when you perform, your nerves make you dry heave, 188 00:09:12,399 --> 00:09:14,755 and you'd better hope that you don't have any food in your stomach. 189 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,624 - You gonna perform? - All right. 190 00:09:17,168 --> 00:09:20,353 Now this next lady you all know because she's here almost every night. 191 00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,753 Let's hope she's got some new jokes this time. 192 00:09:22,917 --> 00:09:24,462 Everybody, put your hands together 193 00:09:24,584 --> 00:09:26,973 for Deandra Reynolds! 194 00:09:30,997 --> 00:09:34,330 Howdy, howdy, howdy. How's everybody doing tonight? 195 00:09:36,753 --> 00:09:40,749 So, you guys, what's the deal with those hands-free headsets 196 00:09:40,862 --> 00:09:43,509 that everybody's wearing in their ears, right? 197 00:09:47,542 --> 00:09:49,884 It's, like, "Hey, everybody, look at me. 198 00:09:50,010 --> 00:09:52,663 I'm one part robot, three parts asshole". 199 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,865 Jesus Christ! 200 00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:01,202 I mean, am I right... 201 00:10:01,409 --> 00:10:02,981 That's good. 202 00:10:05,386 --> 00:10:09,012 Well, at least it was short and dry this time. 203 00:10:09,573 --> 00:10:13,511 Dee, what are you doing to yourself? That is terrible! 204 00:10:13,627 --> 00:10:14,950 Why would you do that? 205 00:10:15,062 --> 00:10:16,597 You just gotta put in your dues, Charlie, you know? 206 00:10:16,714 --> 00:10:18,738 You gotta take it one step at a time when you want to be an actor. 207 00:10:18,864 --> 00:10:20,058 Just climb to the top. 208 00:10:20,172 --> 00:10:21,427 What? This is about being an actor? 209 00:10:21,542 --> 00:10:23,697 Why in God's name are you still trying to be an actor? 210 00:10:24,130 --> 00:10:25,907 Okay, we all have our hopes and dreams, Charlie. 211 00:10:26,034 --> 00:10:27,355 You're still trying to get with the waitress, 212 00:10:27,471 --> 00:10:29,875 I'm still trying to act. We just do whatever we need to do. 213 00:10:29,993 --> 00:10:31,876 Is it funny? You'd better get ready, guy, 214 00:10:31,990 --> 00:10:33,005 'cause you're next. 215 00:10:33,129 --> 00:10:36,947 ...for a newcomer here tonight, Mr. Charlie Kelly! 216 00:10:40,261 --> 00:10:41,662 So, you guys, you ever eat cheese? 217 00:10:41,777 --> 00:10:43,412 Cheese is funny thing. Cheese is a strange thing. 218 00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:46,542 I always wonder, like, "What is cheese? Where does it come...? 219 00:10:52,167 --> 00:10:54,239 We gotta figure out how to get you into rehab. 220 00:10:54,356 --> 00:10:55,909 Let's talk stigmatas. 221 00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:58,448 Deep wounds. 222 00:10:58,572 --> 00:11:01,877 Get you in rehab... Rehab... Rehab... 223 00:11:02,464 --> 00:11:05,539 Yo, punk, wake up, punk. 224 00:11:07,031 --> 00:11:08,058 Yo, punk. 225 00:11:09,841 --> 00:11:11,118 Wake up! 226 00:11:11,441 --> 00:11:13,687 - What the hell? - Yeah, you in hell, all right! 227 00:11:13,808 --> 00:11:17,326 Know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house! 228 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,884 When you in Sinbad house, you my bitch! 229 00:11:21,107 --> 00:11:23,055 Yeah, you know who that is, huh? 230 00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:26,383 That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. 231 00:11:26,496 --> 00:11:28,444 Sing a song. Shut up! 232 00:11:28,817 --> 00:11:30,580 Matchbox 20, ooh. 233 00:11:30,976 --> 00:11:32,272 You the man, huh? 234 00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:33,750 - You gonna punk him like that? - No-no-no! 235 00:11:33,875 --> 00:11:36,539 Stay back, man. No, matter of fact, unleash the fury. Get his shoe! 236 00:11:36,656 --> 00:11:38,090 - What? - Beat his testicles! 237 00:11:38,216 --> 00:11:40,218 No, no, no, don't, don't! 238 00:11:40,855 --> 00:11:42,938 Come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, 239 00:11:43,312 --> 00:11:46,786 look, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here, I'm in a lot of pain. 240 00:11:46,903 --> 00:11:48,238 I just don't know what's going on. 241 00:11:48,352 --> 00:11:49,479 Oh, it's the pain, huh? 242 00:11:49,602 --> 00:11:51,655 My bad, I didn't know you was hurting like that. My bad. 243 00:11:51,770 --> 00:11:54,225 'Cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. 244 00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:57,065 So I'm just gonna break it down. I introduce myself right. That was wrong. 245 00:11:57,191 --> 00:11:58,774 I'm Sinbad. That's my head shot. 246 00:11:58,898 --> 00:12:00,794 I'll autograph it for you a little later on. 247 00:12:00,907 --> 00:12:04,073 And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch! 248 00:12:04,189 --> 00:12:07,094 - And I'm gonna show you... - Everything okay in here? 249 00:12:07,208 --> 00:12:08,281 Hey, what's up, Jerome? What you doing? 250 00:12:08,407 --> 00:12:10,041 He keep throwing his shoe. He crazy. 251 00:12:10,156 --> 00:12:12,673 Okay, well, let's go. Everybody should be in bed with the lights off. 252 00:12:12,785 --> 00:12:15,242 We trying to go to sleep. He keep throwing shoes at us. 253 00:12:16,625 --> 00:12:19,200 Man, you about to get me jacked up, man. Is that what you're trying to do? 254 00:12:19,316 --> 00:12:21,329 Shut up! Man, I'll poke your eye out! 255 00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:24,750 See this? This one you, this one Rob Thomas. 256 00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:27,239 I own both of y'all. 257 00:12:28,742 --> 00:12:30,616 Watch your ass, new-meat! 258 00:12:36,530 --> 00:12:39,665 All rightie, then. See you soon. Bye-bye. 259 00:12:41,191 --> 00:12:43,073 - Hey, dude. - I just made a date 260 00:12:43,199 --> 00:12:45,803 - with that girly rock star's people. - Bon Jovi?! 261 00:12:45,919 --> 00:12:49,442 Yeah, he owns the Philadelphia Soul, the arena football team. 262 00:12:49,558 --> 00:12:50,964 I just offered to buy it. 263 00:12:51,078 --> 00:12:53,869 Awesome! All right, now I'm gonna pretend that I have terminal cancer 264 00:12:53,984 --> 00:12:55,942 and get him to do an acoustic set on my deathbed. 265 00:12:56,057 --> 00:12:57,522 Wait, wait, why would you do that? 266 00:12:57,635 --> 00:12:59,192 - You don't have to do that. - No, it's great bro. 267 00:12:59,306 --> 00:13:01,488 Rock stars do the cancer-kid thing all the time. 268 00:13:01,604 --> 00:13:04,700 Look, Frank, you got us into a room with Jovi's people, right? 269 00:13:04,814 --> 00:13:06,808 I'm gonna get us into a room with Jovi himself. 270 00:13:06,924 --> 00:13:09,149 I'm sorry. That's a stupid idea and I don't want you to do it. 271 00:13:09,265 --> 00:13:10,596 Well, I already got a bald-cap guy and everything. 272 00:13:10,711 --> 00:13:12,086 You're just confusing everything. 273 00:13:12,203 --> 00:13:13,978 There's nothing confusing about it, Frank. It's very... 274 00:13:14,092 --> 00:13:17,386 Shut up! Shut your big mouth right now! 275 00:13:17,591 --> 00:13:20,084 I will put my foot down right now. 276 00:13:20,201 --> 00:13:22,854 You are not going in there with that cancer thing, 277 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:26,344 I don't care what you say! So get it out of your head! 278 00:13:26,649 --> 00:13:29,483 Okay. Jesus, dude, won't do the cancer thing. 279 00:13:29,987 --> 00:13:31,290 Relax. 280 00:13:33,419 --> 00:13:36,971 So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team? 281 00:13:37,085 --> 00:13:39,940 Big time! But I want to do business 282 00:13:40,057 --> 00:13:42,519 with Mr. Von Joni himself. 283 00:13:42,633 --> 00:13:44,171 - Bon Jovi. - Yeah, 284 00:13:44,284 --> 00:13:47,270 Mr. Bovine Joni himself. 285 00:13:47,396 --> 00:13:50,270 I'm offering $40 million for the team. 286 00:13:50,785 --> 00:13:54,225 Well, that is a very generous offer, but, uh, 287 00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:57,236 I must admit I'm a little bit confused about one thing. 288 00:13:57,354 --> 00:14:00,374 What's confusing about $40 million? That's a shitload of money. 289 00:14:00,489 --> 00:14:01,397 It is, it is. 290 00:14:01,512 --> 00:14:04,656 I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen to involve 291 00:14:04,830 --> 00:14:06,206 this gentleman here. 292 00:14:07,439 --> 00:14:10,112 Well, if I may, I'd like to explain to you why I'm here. 293 00:14:10,510 --> 00:14:12,732 Ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer, 294 00:14:12,856 --> 00:14:15,512 and I would like to request a private bedside concert 295 00:14:15,626 --> 00:14:16,930 from Mr. Bon Jovi. 296 00:14:17,046 --> 00:14:19,342 Now, Sambora's presence is not necessary, 297 00:14:19,455 --> 00:14:22,002 but it would be nice if he was involved. Question: 298 00:14:22,117 --> 00:14:23,218 Is this a laser pointer? 299 00:14:23,346 --> 00:14:24,751 - Yes. - Can I have it? 300 00:14:25,204 --> 00:14:26,231 No. 301 00:14:26,355 --> 00:14:28,318 - I'm gonna take it anyway. - Please don't listen to anything he says. 302 00:14:28,532 --> 00:14:31,638 - I'll give you $60 million for the team. - Frank, Frank? Thank you. 303 00:14:31,754 --> 00:14:33,538 I got it. We're talking about cancer. 304 00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,366 Nobody cares about arena football anymore. 305 00:14:35,492 --> 00:14:36,486 You're not negotiating shit. 306 00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:38,087 We're onto the cancer thing now, 307 00:14:38,203 --> 00:14:40,097 and that is the way it's gonna go from here. 308 00:14:40,210 --> 00:14:42,278 Okay, I'm just gonna throw this out there. 309 00:14:42,570 --> 00:14:44,536 I don't think you have cancer. 310 00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:45,836 What? What are you talking about? 311 00:14:45,949 --> 00:14:47,945 No, that's chemo, that's chemotherapy right there. 312 00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:50,813 For the record, when you go through chemo, 313 00:14:50,928 --> 00:14:52,793 - your beard hair falls out, too. - Are you sure? 314 00:14:52,919 --> 00:14:54,164 - I told you... - I asked a lot of people. 315 00:14:54,279 --> 00:14:57,042 - ...not to do the cancer thing. - I asked my bald-cap guy. 316 00:14:57,158 --> 00:14:59,933 But it was working until you got in with the bullshit numbers. 317 00:15:00,048 --> 00:15:00,983 Goddamn it. 318 00:15:01,096 --> 00:15:02,491 You know, I'm not even really bald? 319 00:15:02,815 --> 00:15:05,158 I have a full head of hair. Not like him. 320 00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:09,447 Not only do I consider it magnificent, 321 00:15:09,572 --> 00:15:12,159 but I have a sneaking suspicion it's pretty good. 322 00:15:15,101 --> 00:15:16,427 His eyes. 323 00:15:16,543 --> 00:15:18,406 Shine it on his dick. Shine it on his dick. 324 00:15:22,732 --> 00:15:24,674 Oh, that's me, that's my phone. 325 00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:28,394 Hey, dude, where you been? 326 00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,734 - I'm in rehab, dude. - Oh, yeah. 327 00:15:30,851 --> 00:15:32,186 Hey, that whole Jovi thing went south, 328 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,493 so I think we're just gonna scrap the whole book ordeal. 329 00:15:34,907 --> 00:15:36,311 What are you talking about? 330 00:15:36,709 --> 00:15:38,444 - I got another call, buddy. - No-no, no, don't...! 331 00:15:38,996 --> 00:15:40,181 Hello. 332 00:15:40,298 --> 00:15:42,024 Yo, Bill, what's happening? 333 00:15:42,147 --> 00:15:44,123 - Who you looking for? - Bill. Who's this? 334 00:15:44,245 --> 00:15:45,712 This is Mac. You got the wrong number. 335 00:15:45,837 --> 00:15:48,020 - Oh, my bad. - Yeah, no, it's no problem. 336 00:15:48,137 --> 00:15:49,661 What number were you trying to call? 337 00:15:52,016 --> 00:15:53,867 - Hello. - Frank, you got to get me out of here. 338 00:15:53,983 --> 00:15:55,208 Where are you? 339 00:15:55,326 --> 00:15:56,796 I'm in rehab, goddammit! 340 00:15:56,913 --> 00:15:59,328 Well, I'm in a movie, and this broad's about to get naked, 341 00:15:59,445 --> 00:16:01,649 - so I got to go. - Yeah, no, that's okay. 342 00:16:03,822 --> 00:16:06,038 - Yeah, I thought it was some chick. - Who are you talking to? 343 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,095 I'm talking to Bill. 344 00:16:07,210 --> 00:16:09,176 - And anyway, so... - No, no, no, I'm not Bill, I'm Terry. 345 00:16:09,299 --> 00:16:10,357 Oh, I'm sorry, no, it's Terry. 346 00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,253 Sorry about that, Terry. Anyway, this cat people... 347 00:16:12,379 --> 00:16:14,842 Terry? What number did he want? 348 00:16:14,968 --> 00:16:16,925 Will you please shut up?! 349 00:16:17,039 --> 00:16:19,055 - What's that? - I got some dick in a movie theater 350 00:16:19,168 --> 00:16:20,892 - giving me shit. - Why are you turned around like that? 351 00:16:21,005 --> 00:16:22,291 - Nice talking to you. - Yeah, call me back. 352 00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:23,663 I'll talk to you afterwards. Bye. 353 00:16:23,786 --> 00:16:25,992 Give me the laser pointer. Just give me the laser pointer. 354 00:16:26,105 --> 00:16:27,211 - What a jerk. - I know, but watch this. 355 00:16:27,327 --> 00:16:29,250 I'm gonna do it right in the back of his head. 356 00:16:30,816 --> 00:16:33,151 Bro... you wore the battery down. 357 00:16:33,264 --> 00:16:37,499 Well, how am I supposed to use it now? 'Cause you... jerk. 358 00:16:37,684 --> 00:16:39,668 - I'm a jerk? - Yeah, you're a jerk. 359 00:16:39,951 --> 00:16:42,986 You're walking around with that bald cap on all day and I'm a jerk. 360 00:16:43,112 --> 00:16:45,656 It was expensive. I'm sorry, I want to get my money's worth. 361 00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:47,178 Will you please be quiet?! 362 00:16:47,291 --> 00:16:49,724 Who talks like this in the middle of a movie theater? 363 00:16:49,848 --> 00:16:53,634 Hey... hey, you don't know how hard I got it, pal. 364 00:16:53,750 --> 00:16:55,922 You don't know how tough it is being me. 365 00:16:56,046 --> 00:16:57,193 What? 366 00:16:57,459 --> 00:16:59,043 It's not that tough to be you, Frank. 367 00:16:59,159 --> 00:17:01,764 What is so difficult about your life? 368 00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:06,442 Try walking a mile in my shoes once in a while and then talk to me. 369 00:17:10,914 --> 00:17:14,260 "Our eyes locked, our hands touched, 370 00:17:14,373 --> 00:17:16,567 and she whispered in my ear, 371 00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:20,939 'Dude, your balls totally rule'". 372 00:17:21,285 --> 00:17:22,716 What the hell you think you doing, man?! 373 00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,106 I heard about this shit! 374 00:17:24,221 --> 00:17:25,986 This gonna stop! Take his book, Rob. 375 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:27,538 Whoa, wait, man, what... 376 00:17:27,881 --> 00:17:30,596 Come on, man, I was just in the middle of some really erotic stuff. 377 00:17:30,711 --> 00:17:33,595 Yeah, I heard about that shit. You trying to write "memoirs," erotic shit. 378 00:17:33,711 --> 00:17:35,425 You know what? You don't write it, bitch, 379 00:17:35,549 --> 00:17:38,222 - I write it! - What is your problem, Sinbad? 380 00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:40,304 Think you Jesus? You think you Jesus? 381 00:17:40,430 --> 00:17:42,561 Ain't no Jesus here... except 382 00:17:42,676 --> 00:17:44,214 me, I'm Jesus. 383 00:17:44,328 --> 00:17:46,512 What the hell, man?! You stole my thing. 384 00:17:46,629 --> 00:17:47,950 No, no, it's my thing, it's bigger. 385 00:17:48,075 --> 00:17:50,122 Rule of the land: bigger. It's my thing now. 386 00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,621 Took it. Bam. Mine. 387 00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:54,249 Fine, but what is Rob Thomas have to do with any of this? 388 00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,028 You know, Rob, know what he got to do with it? 389 00:17:56,145 --> 00:17:59,310 He do whatever I tell him to do 'cause he's my bitch, bitch! 390 00:17:59,903 --> 00:18:01,939 Let's get up out of here, man. Get that, we're gonna read some smut. 391 00:18:02,053 --> 00:18:03,958 - Oh, come on, man... - Shut up! Give it to him. 392 00:18:04,075 --> 00:18:05,645 No, I'm playing! 393 00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:09,187 I got to get out of here. 394 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:15,255 This is my day, and this is where I come at the end of the day 395 00:18:15,370 --> 00:18:16,907 before I head off to Paddy's. 396 00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:19,313 Why do you come to the fountain? The fountain's my thing, Dee. 397 00:18:19,430 --> 00:18:21,153 Well, I'll tell you why I come to the fountain, Charlie. 398 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,534 I come every single day to throw money into this thing 399 00:18:23,649 --> 00:18:26,482 to wish for a better life. Money that you apparently steal 400 00:18:26,596 --> 00:18:28,824 for spys. Okay? So essentialy, Charlie, 401 00:18:28,946 --> 00:18:32,261 you're stealing my dreams, and if you don't mind, I'll go get those dreams back. 402 00:18:32,375 --> 00:18:34,670 That was my spy coins. That's my money anyway. 403 00:18:34,787 --> 00:18:36,111 That wasn't your money. 404 00:18:36,227 --> 00:18:37,998 I mean, that's what I have to go through 405 00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:39,101 - to get laid. - Frank, shut up. 406 00:18:39,147 --> 00:18:41,327 You're just pissed off because I pooled it of better than you. 407 00:18:41,522 --> 00:18:42,840 You don't pooled it of better than anyone. 408 00:18:42,885 --> 00:18:45,548 You better not loose your hair, you ugly bold-hair. 409 00:18:45,712 --> 00:18:47,575 I was ugly as you bitch. 410 00:18:47,812 --> 00:18:50,788 - What are we doing here? - This is the time of de day 411 00:18:50,910 --> 00:18:52,994 - when I come to the fountain. - Why? 412 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,867 When I was a kid, I used to swim in this fountain. 413 00:18:55,981 --> 00:19:00,805 A bunch of bowlings, kick me out. So I waited to this time of the day, 414 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,916 and come back, and pissed in the fountain. 415 00:19:04,030 --> 00:19:06,503 I've been pissing in the fountain for 50 years. 416 00:19:06,627 --> 00:19:08,453 Why are you still pissing in it? 417 00:19:08,876 --> 00:19:10,324 To get back at their kids. 418 00:19:10,446 --> 00:19:13,111 - Crazy, crazy... - You can have a good life with... 419 00:19:13,457 --> 00:19:15,081 Isn't Dee and Charlie? 420 00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:17,489 - Hey, guys, what are you doing? - What the hell... 421 00:19:17,607 --> 00:19:20,738 These are my dreams. They mean something to me. 422 00:19:22,905 --> 00:19:25,367 - Charlie and Dee! Dee! - Hey! 423 00:19:25,482 --> 00:19:28,837 - What are you doing? - I'm taking my dreams back. 424 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,026 - What are you guys doing? - Frank is here to piss in the fountain. 425 00:19:32,141 --> 00:19:35,246 - I do it every day. - Hey, I like you haircut, man. 426 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:39,185 - That's a great look. - You can't tell that I'm bold. 427 00:19:39,299 --> 00:19:42,234 - Oh, my God! - You can't tell, uh?! 428 00:19:42,350 --> 00:19:45,343 Time out. Did you see where I pissed in the fountain? 429 00:19:46,097 --> 00:19:49,122 Hey, Dennis! What's up buddy, come here! 430 00:19:49,468 --> 00:19:50,733 What you doing? 431 00:19:50,848 --> 00:19:53,282 Oh, I use this fountain for killing powers. 432 00:19:53,396 --> 00:19:56,431 Plus, it's very good for my skins. But that's not the point right now. 433 00:19:56,546 --> 00:19:59,399 You aren't gonna believe this. Sinbad tried to kill me. 434 00:19:59,914 --> 00:20:02,341 - What? - Sinbad, and the other comedians 435 00:20:02,454 --> 00:20:04,419 were in the rehab center and tried to kill me. 436 00:20:04,535 --> 00:20:07,597 And then Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbox 20, was there too. 437 00:20:07,714 --> 00:20:09,727 Did it make sense? 438 00:20:09,844 --> 00:20:11,166 No. 439 00:20:11,281 --> 00:20:12,999 Time out. Time out. Time out. 440 00:20:13,114 --> 00:20:16,666 - Did you, or did you not meet Sinbad? - Yeah, I met Sinbad. 441 00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:20,238 - Can you prove that stuff? - Yeah, it happens minutes ago. 442 00:20:20,352 --> 00:20:23,434 Memoires are back. The story with the doush bag, 443 00:20:23,549 --> 00:20:24,926 the public eats that shit. 444 00:20:25,041 --> 00:20:26,934 - The memoire thing is gone. - You have to go back there. 445 00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:29,073 No, we can go back. That's too dangerous. 446 00:20:29,187 --> 00:20:32,570 No, Dennis, we have to prove, we have to make photos, we have to sign documents. 447 00:20:32,688 --> 00:20:36,372 - I'm a huge Sinbad fan. I've all his... - Sinbad is not the man that... 448 00:20:36,975 --> 00:20:39,670 I am not going back there. 449 00:20:39,785 --> 00:20:42,382 I hope he's writting something on a windbreaker. 450 00:20:43,757 --> 00:20:46,019 - Okay guys, this is it. - What the hell is this? 451 00:20:46,134 --> 00:20:47,547 It's the rehab center. 452 00:20:47,662 --> 00:20:50,749 That's not the rehab center. That's the rehab center. 453 00:20:52,414 --> 00:20:54,568 Well, this is where they drop me after you guys drop me off. 454 00:20:54,694 --> 00:20:55,967 Everybody, you stay close to me. 455 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,268 Okay? You have to protect me. 456 00:20:57,429 --> 00:21:00,096 Because like most comedians, Sinbad is very angry on the inside. 457 00:21:00,430 --> 00:21:03,224 - Come on, come on. - You think he will autograph my shirt? 458 00:21:03,338 --> 00:21:07,374 He will autograph your face until it gets bloody. 459 00:21:08,589 --> 00:21:11,942 It's like... What is this place, dude? 460 00:21:12,057 --> 00:21:14,783 Hey! Oh, hell, no! 461 00:21:15,246 --> 00:21:17,743 We told you to not come back here, freak! 462 00:21:17,856 --> 00:21:19,243 Where is Sinbad? 463 00:21:19,356 --> 00:21:21,782 You call me Sinbad one more time, 464 00:21:21,897 --> 00:21:24,361 - I will knock you out. - What the hell is going on here? 465 00:21:24,475 --> 00:21:29,571 This dude broke in here, running around, talking about memoires and Sinbad. 466 00:21:30,983 --> 00:21:32,699 So you lied to us, Dennis? 467 00:21:32,822 --> 00:21:36,617 No, I didn't lie. I sware to God, it was all real, Sinbad was here, I swear. 468 00:21:36,733 --> 00:21:39,168 - That's it, I'm calling the cops. - You thought that dude was Sinbad. 469 00:21:39,281 --> 00:21:41,664 Maybe that load in the head did more damage that we thought. 470 00:21:41,780 --> 00:21:44,036 - That's not Sinbad, dude. - I know that's not Sinbad. 471 00:21:44,150 --> 00:21:45,775 Is that a sort of sick fantasy? 472 00:21:45,889 --> 00:21:48,795 No, it's not a fantasy, I didn't make it up, Sinbad was here, I sware. 473 00:21:48,910 --> 00:21:51,723 Guess what guys, the memoires is dead, again. 474 00:21:51,848 --> 00:21:53,895 I can believe you didn't meet Sinbad. 475 00:21:54,090 --> 00:21:56,084 You realize how excited I was to meet Sinbad? 476 00:21:56,619 --> 00:22:00,213 That wasn't a comedian, that was some dude in green pants. 477 00:22:00,325 --> 00:22:03,230 I don't know how all this happened, it all seemed so real. 478 00:22:03,605 --> 00:22:05,570 I need to see a doctor. 479 00:22:07,286 --> 00:22:09,681 No, you don't, bitch! 480 00:22:10,964 --> 00:22:12,606 Wake up! Yeah, you in hell, all right! 481 00:22:12,722 --> 00:22:15,379 - I'm Jesus. - What the hell, man?! 482 00:22:16,121 --> 00:22:18,546 You call me Sinbad one more time... 483 00:22:23,653 --> 00:22:25,634 Yeah, I should definitely see a doctor.