1
00:00:01,420 --> 00:00:03,631
What were you even doing
in that crawl space, Charlie?
2
00:00:03,744 --> 00:00:06,185
Well, for starters,
I was minding my own business.
3
00:00:06,298 --> 00:00:07,985
I was also trying to do a little
light reading,
4
00:00:08,098 --> 00:00:09,642
and then I was putting some
cheese in the rat traps.
5
00:00:09,755 --> 00:00:10,952
You were putting
the cheese in the rat traps?
6
00:00:11,065 --> 00:00:12,208
- Can I smell your mouth?
- Why?
7
00:00:12,321 --> 00:00:13,765
You were eating the cheese,
weren't you, outof the rat traps?
8
00:00:13,878 --> 00:00:16,564
No! Well, yes. I mean, I
was eating the old cheese
9
00:00:16,677 --> 00:00:18,213
to test it, see why
the rats weren't eating it.
10
00:00:18,328 --> 00:00:20,001
Why are you always doing such
weird things, Charlie?
11
00:00:20,115 --> 00:00:22,843
I do weird things? Name another
thing that you think is weird.
12
00:00:22,965 --> 00:00:25,932
I caught you stealing a bunch of coins
out of the fountain at Logan Circle.
13
00:00:26,045 --> 00:00:29,341
I was acquiring a little bit
of cash to pay my spy, Dee.
14
00:00:29,458 --> 00:00:31,640
- Why do you have a spy?
- To spy the waitress.
15
00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:33,991
- Of course I have a spy.
- Is that normal to you?
16
00:00:34,104 --> 00:00:35,640
Shut up and give me
my book back, please.
17
00:00:35,754 --> 00:00:37,481
Hey, guys, what book
you keep going on and on about?
18
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:38,830
It's nothing.
You don't need to see it.
19
00:00:38,953 --> 00:00:40,828
My God! Whoa!
20
00:00:41,293 --> 00:00:44,018
These are my... these are my memoirs.
Charlie, you found my book!
21
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:47,519
I wrote a memoirs. Hey, guys,
Charlie found my memoirs!
22
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:48,638
Your memoirs?
23
00:00:48,753 --> 00:00:50,616
I've been keeping track
of all my sexual exploits,
24
00:00:50,732 --> 00:00:54,716
and I was going to unleash them on the
world in a fiery blaze of eroticism.
25
00:00:55,141 --> 00:00:56,835
Slow down a second, Dennis.
26
00:00:56,950 --> 00:01:00,044
- You wrote a book?
- It's more of a tale of redemption
27
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,545
- told through my erotic travels.
- Giddyup, man! That's amazing.
28
00:01:03,659 --> 00:01:04,885
That's good stuff, right? Yeah.
29
00:01:05,011 --> 00:01:07,286
But then, one day, the book just
sort of went mysteriously missing.
30
00:01:07,398 --> 00:01:08,685
Charlie, what the hell
were you doing with it?
31
00:01:08,808 --> 00:01:12,194
Well, since he can't read, I'm guessing
he was masturbating to your pictures.
32
00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:14,182
- Goddamn! Jacking off to my...
- No, no!
33
00:01:14,297 --> 00:01:16,494
That's... Not at all! You
know, what are you doing to me?
34
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,661
Why are you doing this?
You've been riding me.
35
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,883
Now you're accusing me of things.
You just don't get it.
36
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:22,811
You don't know why I
do the things that I do.
37
00:01:22,927 --> 00:01:25,041
It's nuts! You don't know
how hard I got it, Dee.
38
00:01:25,155 --> 00:01:26,902
You've got it pretty tough?
Your life is pretty hard?
39
00:01:27,026 --> 00:01:28,999
How would you like to walk a
mile in my shoes, huh?
40
00:01:29,117 --> 00:01:30,761
Try your old buddy Charlie on for size.
41
00:01:30,887 --> 00:01:32,119
You want me to walk a mile in your shoes
42
00:01:32,234 --> 00:01:34,028
'cause I can't handle
your big, tough life? I will.
43
00:01:34,145 --> 00:01:35,409
That sounds fine to me.
I will do that.
44
00:01:35,524 --> 00:01:37,101
Oh, my God! Shut up!
45
00:01:37,216 --> 00:01:39,028
Dennis, what's the name of this book?
46
00:01:40,122 --> 00:01:43,736
Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life.
47
00:02:17,614 --> 00:02:20,204
"I removed my robe and
stood before her..."
48
00:02:20,509 --> 00:02:23,941
taut, nubile, proud.
49
00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:27,806
"She was much, much older than
me, but her breasts"
50
00:02:28,179 --> 00:02:29,794
were awesome.
51
00:02:30,138 --> 00:02:34,900
"I felt reborn, baptized in
erotic majesty."
52
00:02:37,130 --> 00:02:39,973
- Yeah!
- This is some sweet smut!
53
00:02:40,180 --> 00:02:41,901
- I'm all boned up over here.
- Me, too!
54
00:02:42,027 --> 00:02:43,479
Dennis, we should try
and sell this book.
55
00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:44,997
Personal memoirs are huge right now.
56
00:02:45,122 --> 00:02:46,887
Yeah, yeah. No. I'm going
to sell the book, okay,
57
00:02:46,999 --> 00:02:48,332
but I'm not going to let
you guys be involved
58
00:02:48,448 --> 00:02:51,092
because, every time you're involved,
you get all excited about something,
59
00:02:51,217 --> 00:02:53,319
and then you give up the minute
we hit the first speed bump.
60
00:02:53,442 --> 00:02:55,646
You need us, Dennis.
You're going to need some legal help.
61
00:02:55,859 --> 00:02:58,025
Legal help? What the hell
you talking about, man?
62
00:02:58,138 --> 00:03:00,771
Bro, half the stories you
just read us are total bullshit.
63
00:03:00,885 --> 00:03:02,209
They're not bullshit.
What are you saying?
64
00:03:02,324 --> 00:03:06,005
Dennis, you were never the personal
sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi!
65
00:03:06,121 --> 00:03:09,241
And you never woke up in a rehab
facility with the wounds of Christ
66
00:03:09,365 --> 00:03:11,818
miraculously appearing on
your hands and feet!
67
00:03:11,932 --> 00:03:13,745
Yeah, man, but I did... I
banged that girl in the fountain.
68
00:03:13,862 --> 00:03:15,896
That story was true... the hot
dog, the oatmeal, everything.
69
00:03:16,011 --> 00:03:18,703
Dude, you don't want to end up like
that Million Little Pieces guy, okay?
70
00:03:18,814 --> 00:03:20,759
Oprah made him look like a total dick.
71
00:03:20,873 --> 00:03:22,769
That guy was a turd.
I mean, come on.
72
00:03:22,891 --> 00:03:25,074
Just take some of those stories out.
73
00:03:25,190 --> 00:03:27,153
You can't take those
stories out. That's the rub!
74
00:03:27,266 --> 00:03:28,731
That's why he needs us.
75
00:03:28,847 --> 00:03:32,596
Because the public loves those crazy
celebrity stories and rehab shit.
76
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:33,875
Okay, well, so what are you thinking?
77
00:03:33,989 --> 00:03:36,700
I'm thinking we take some of
the really good stories,
78
00:03:36,827 --> 00:03:39,740
you know... the Jon Bon Jovi, the
Christ wound stigmatas...
79
00:03:39,855 --> 00:03:41,165
and we recreate them.
80
00:03:41,283 --> 00:03:43,943
We make them true so that people
can't prove that they didn't happen!
81
00:03:44,059 --> 00:03:46,463
My God! Recreate some of
the better stories in here,
82
00:03:46,577 --> 00:03:47,821
- and then we have proof!
- Yes!
83
00:03:47,935 --> 00:03:49,169
Holy shit, man!
That's a good idea.
84
00:03:49,292 --> 00:03:53,273
Now, first things first. We got to
figure out how to get you into rehab.
85
00:03:55,645 --> 00:03:57,760
Charlie, do I really have to
sleep here?
86
00:03:57,875 --> 00:03:59,586
Dee, if you're going to walk
a mile in my shoes,
87
00:03:59,702 --> 00:04:01,854
this is a pretty big part of
that mile, don't you think?
88
00:04:02,049 --> 00:04:03,284
- Here. Put these on.
- No.
89
00:04:03,398 --> 00:04:05,752
I don't want to wear one of
your dirty sleeping outfits.
90
00:04:05,876 --> 00:04:07,987
I'm sorry, Dee, but my
"outfits," as you like to call them,
91
00:04:08,112 --> 00:04:09,476
serve a very specific
purpose, all right?
92
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,016
This isn't just for fun.
93
00:04:11,129 --> 00:04:12,824
I don't have any heating ducts
in this apartment.
94
00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:14,580
It gets freezing in here at
night, all right?
95
00:04:14,695 --> 00:04:17,537
Now, in case you have to pee-pee,
I got this for you, all right?
96
00:04:17,873 --> 00:04:20,027
- Oh, my God!
- Goddamn it!
97
00:04:20,141 --> 00:04:21,384
Frank was supposed to empty that.
98
00:04:21,509 --> 00:04:22,971
Totally, no wonder!
It reeks in here!
99
00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:24,829
You have open cans of pee
everywhere!
100
00:04:24,945 --> 00:04:27,906
Well, I'm sorry, but you do
not want to use that bathroom!
101
00:04:28,021 --> 00:04:29,275
Now, eat one of these, all right?
102
00:04:29,388 --> 00:04:31,662
You're going to want to huff
a little glue and drink some beer.
103
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,979
- This is cat food, Charlie.
- Dee, I can explain it, all right?
104
00:04:35,094 --> 00:04:37,236
There's some sort of weird
chemical reaction that happens
105
00:04:37,350 --> 00:04:39,054
when you combine cat food,
beer and glue.
106
00:04:39,169 --> 00:04:41,152
It makes you feel, like,
extremely sick and tired.
107
00:04:41,268 --> 00:04:43,140
- You're able to fall asleep.
- Why would I want to make myself
108
00:04:43,265 --> 00:04:44,378
extremely sick and tired?
109
00:04:44,494 --> 00:04:46,188
'Cause there's going to be
about 50 cats howling outside
110
00:04:46,313 --> 00:04:49,893
that window all night long, and you
have no idea how loud 50 cats can be.
111
00:04:50,019 --> 00:04:52,080
Okay, maybe there wouldn't be
cats surrounding your building
112
00:04:52,195 --> 00:04:53,680
if you didn't have open cans of
cat food everywhere.
113
00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,717
I have 50 cats howling
outside my window
114
00:04:55,832 --> 00:04:59,072
because I have 10,000 rats running
around my building, Dee, okay?!
115
00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,151
- Stop yelling.
- I'm not an idiot!
116
00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:02,430
There's a reason to do the
things that I... oh!
117
00:05:05,351 --> 00:05:06,704
It's starting right on time.
118
00:05:06,818 --> 00:05:09,642
If I were you, I'd start
wolfing that shit down.
119
00:05:10,506 --> 00:05:12,170
I got to go to sleep.
120
00:05:13,233 --> 00:05:15,625
Oh, I'm not feeling good at all.
121
00:06:20,341 --> 00:06:23,371
Come play with us forever
122
00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:26,158
and forever, and forever...
123
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:30,946
Occupado.
124
00:06:45,534 --> 00:06:48,084
Wake up! Let's go!
Time to start the day!
125
00:06:48,201 --> 00:06:50,034
- Time to get up!
- Charlie! Oh, God!
126
00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:52,132
Oh, God! There's evil twins in the...
127
00:06:52,247 --> 00:06:53,739
in the hallway, and a
twitching junkie in...
128
00:06:53,865 --> 00:06:55,556
What? How much of that glue
did you huff?
129
00:06:55,670 --> 00:06:56,865
I don't know.
As much as you did.
130
00:06:56,979 --> 00:06:58,884
As much as me? Really?
131
00:06:59,359 --> 00:07:01,561
Well, that's probably way too
much glue for you, Dee.
132
00:07:01,674 --> 00:07:04,197
Hey, check it out. You just
had yourself a glue O.D.,
133
00:07:04,313 --> 00:07:05,647
and those are pretty
regular in my life,
134
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,854
so you learned another lesson: Don't
do too much glue or your night sucks.
135
00:07:08,979 --> 00:07:11,260
Hold on a second. You're saying
that your life is so terrible
136
00:07:11,384 --> 00:07:14,675
because you eat rat cheese and cat
food and huff glue all day long?
137
00:07:14,791 --> 00:07:15,854
Uh... yeah.
138
00:07:15,972 --> 00:07:17,732
Those aren't real problems, Charlie.
139
00:07:17,847 --> 00:07:19,133
What do you mean, they're not
real problems?
140
00:07:19,246 --> 00:07:21,841
You make those problems up.
You choose to do that stuff.
141
00:07:21,956 --> 00:07:23,759
- Those are solutions to problems.
- Oh, my God!
142
00:07:23,874 --> 00:07:25,753
You know what?
Hold on a second.
143
00:07:26,087 --> 00:07:27,515
We're going to turn the tables here.
144
00:07:27,626 --> 00:07:29,632
You're going to walk a mile in
myshoes now,
145
00:07:29,814 --> 00:07:31,709
and you're going to see what it's
like to live in the real world
146
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,275
and have actual problems.
147
00:07:33,393 --> 00:07:35,366
Okay. You got some glue on your face,
Dee. You might want to wash it off.
148
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:36,664
Damn it.
149
00:07:41,095 --> 00:07:42,725
Okay, plan is simple.
150
00:07:42,841 --> 00:07:44,966
You're gonna hang out at the
rehab facility for a couple a days
151
00:07:45,081 --> 00:07:47,163
while we get the ball
rolling with Bon Jovi.
152
00:07:47,276 --> 00:07:49,080
Uh, yeah, I gotta say
I'm a little skeptical
153
00:07:49,195 --> 00:07:52,655
about you guys being able to
get in touch with Jon Bon Jovi.
154
00:07:52,771 --> 00:07:55,014
What? What do you mean?
He's from New Jersey.
155
00:07:55,136 --> 00:07:57,692
- Piece of cake.
- Have a little faith in us, please.
156
00:07:57,804 --> 00:07:59,716
Plus, it's easy. We just
get you into a room with him,
157
00:07:59,841 --> 00:08:02,354
snap a couple of photos, we got
proof, bing-bang-boom, we're done.
158
00:08:02,470 --> 00:08:04,553
Now let's talks stigmatas.
159
00:08:04,679 --> 00:08:07,011
Right. Do we have to do
the stigmatas?
160
00:08:07,193 --> 00:08:10,327
Dennis, you know that this publisher
is gonna have a fact checker, right?
161
00:08:10,442 --> 00:08:11,507
- Yeah.
- You don't want to end up like
162
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,104
the Million Little Pieces guy, do you?
163
00:08:13,217 --> 00:08:14,621
I brought a nail gun.
164
00:08:14,738 --> 00:08:17,148
Is that what that is? Look,
you're not gonna shoot nails in me.
165
00:08:17,263 --> 00:08:19,326
No, I think a couple of severe burns
166
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,534
from the cigar is
what's gonna do the trick.
167
00:08:21,659 --> 00:08:23,243
No, no, no, you need deep wounds.
168
00:08:23,588 --> 00:08:25,741
- This'll give you deep wounds.
- Hold on a second, no!
169
00:08:26,084 --> 00:08:29,267
- Nobody's gonna burn me!
- Dennis, calm down! Calm down!
170
00:08:29,382 --> 00:08:31,044
You focus on your art, okay?
171
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,074
Frank and I will handle the
business end of things.
172
00:08:33,199 --> 00:08:35,320
If you guys really want to do
the stigmata thing...
173
00:08:38,002 --> 00:08:39,345
Okay, good work, Frank.
174
00:08:39,460 --> 00:08:42,102
Now I think we should just probably
leave the body right here, right?
175
00:08:42,216 --> 00:08:43,620
And then in the morning,
they'll come out and find him.
176
00:08:43,734 --> 00:08:45,231
All right, give me his hands.
177
00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:50,398
So I don't go to a therapist.
I just go to bars.
178
00:08:50,515 --> 00:08:53,289
If you walk up to the nearest
drunk guy and bup him from behind,
179
00:08:53,413 --> 00:08:55,157
he always turns around
and goes, "Hey, man,
180
00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,047
what's your problem?".
181
00:08:57,315 --> 00:08:59,109
Dee, this guy is great!
182
00:08:59,222 --> 00:09:01,776
Do you come here every night?
Every night, huh? This is great.
183
00:09:01,904 --> 00:09:03,986
Hey, do the have food, too?
'Cause I could go for some food.
184
00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:06,114
No, no, no food.
I don't eat when I'm here.
185
00:09:06,241 --> 00:09:07,793
- Well, when do you eat?
- I don't.
186
00:09:07,912 --> 00:09:10,016
Why don't you eat dinner, Dee?
You got to eat dinner sometime.
187
00:09:10,142 --> 00:09:12,272
Because when you perform,
your nerves make you dry heave,
188
00:09:12,399 --> 00:09:14,755
and you'd better hope that you
don't have any food in your stomach.
189
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,624
- You gonna perform?
- All right.
190
00:09:17,168 --> 00:09:20,353
Now this next lady you all know
because she's here almost every night.
191
00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,753
Let's hope she's got
some new jokes this time.
192
00:09:22,917 --> 00:09:24,462
Everybody, put your hands together
193
00:09:24,584 --> 00:09:26,973
for Deandra Reynolds!
194
00:09:30,997 --> 00:09:34,330
Howdy, howdy, howdy.
How's everybody doing tonight?
195
00:09:36,753 --> 00:09:40,749
So, you guys, what's the deal
with those hands-free headsets
196
00:09:40,862 --> 00:09:43,509
that everybody's wearing in
their ears, right?
197
00:09:47,542 --> 00:09:49,884
It's, like, "Hey, everybody,
look at me.
198
00:09:50,010 --> 00:09:52,663
I'm one part robot,
three parts asshole".
199
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,865
Jesus Christ!
200
00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:01,202
I mean, am I right...
201
00:10:01,409 --> 00:10:02,981
That's good.
202
00:10:05,386 --> 00:10:09,012
Well, at least it was
short and dry this time.
203
00:10:09,573 --> 00:10:13,511
Dee, what are you doing to yourself?
That is terrible!
204
00:10:13,627 --> 00:10:14,950
Why would you do that?
205
00:10:15,062 --> 00:10:16,597
You just gotta put in your dues,
Charlie, you know?
206
00:10:16,714 --> 00:10:18,738
You gotta take it one step at a
time when you want to be an actor.
207
00:10:18,864 --> 00:10:20,058
Just climb to the top.
208
00:10:20,172 --> 00:10:21,427
What? This is about being an actor?
209
00:10:21,542 --> 00:10:23,697
Why in God's name are you still
trying to be an actor?
210
00:10:24,130 --> 00:10:25,907
Okay, we all have our hopes
and dreams, Charlie.
211
00:10:26,034 --> 00:10:27,355
You're still trying to
get with the waitress,
212
00:10:27,471 --> 00:10:29,875
I'm still trying to act.
We just do whatever we need to do.
213
00:10:29,993 --> 00:10:31,876
Is it funny?
You'd better get ready, guy,
214
00:10:31,990 --> 00:10:33,005
'cause you're next.
215
00:10:33,129 --> 00:10:36,947
...for a newcomer here tonight,
Mr. Charlie Kelly!
216
00:10:40,261 --> 00:10:41,662
So, you guys, you ever eat cheese?
217
00:10:41,777 --> 00:10:43,412
Cheese is funny thing.
Cheese is a strange thing.
218
00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:46,542
I always wonder, like, "What is cheese?
Where does it come...?
219
00:10:52,167 --> 00:10:54,239
We gotta figure out how to
get you into rehab.
220
00:10:54,356 --> 00:10:55,909
Let's talk stigmatas.
221
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:58,448
Deep wounds.
222
00:10:58,572 --> 00:11:01,877
Get you in rehab...
Rehab... Rehab...
223
00:11:02,464 --> 00:11:05,539
Yo, punk, wake up, punk.
224
00:11:07,031 --> 00:11:08,058
Yo, punk.
225
00:11:09,841 --> 00:11:11,118
Wake up!
226
00:11:11,441 --> 00:11:13,687
- What the hell?
- Yeah, you in hell, all right!
227
00:11:13,808 --> 00:11:17,326
Know what? My name is Sinbad.
This is Sinbad's house!
228
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,884
When you in Sinbad house,
you my bitch!
229
00:11:21,107 --> 00:11:23,055
Yeah, you know who that is, huh?
230
00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:26,383
That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20.
231
00:11:26,496 --> 00:11:28,444
Sing a song. Shut up!
232
00:11:28,817 --> 00:11:30,580
Matchbox 20, ooh.
233
00:11:30,976 --> 00:11:32,272
You the man, huh?
234
00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:33,750
- You gonna punk him like that?
- No-no-no!
235
00:11:33,875 --> 00:11:36,539
Stay back, man. No, matter of fact,
unleash the fury. Get his shoe!
236
00:11:36,656 --> 00:11:38,090
- What?
- Beat his testicles!
237
00:11:38,216 --> 00:11:40,218
No, no, no, don't, don't!
238
00:11:40,855 --> 00:11:42,938
Come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad,
239
00:11:43,312 --> 00:11:46,786
look, I'm pretty confused about what
I'm seeing here, I'm in a lot of pain.
240
00:11:46,903 --> 00:11:48,238
I just don't know what's going on.
241
00:11:48,352 --> 00:11:49,479
Oh, it's the pain, huh?
242
00:11:49,602 --> 00:11:51,655
My bad, I didn't know you was
hurting like that. My bad.
243
00:11:51,770 --> 00:11:54,225
'Cause I've hurt before, you've
hurt before, we all hurt.
244
00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:57,065
So I'm just gonna break it down. I
introduce myself right. That was wrong.
245
00:11:57,191 --> 00:11:58,774
I'm Sinbad. That's my head shot.
246
00:11:58,898 --> 00:12:00,794
I'll autograph it for you a
little later on.
247
00:12:00,907 --> 00:12:04,073
And this is Sinbad's house,
and you my bitch!
248
00:12:04,189 --> 00:12:07,094
- And I'm gonna show you...
- Everything okay in here?
249
00:12:07,208 --> 00:12:08,281
Hey, what's up, Jerome?
What you doing?
250
00:12:08,407 --> 00:12:10,041
He keep throwing his shoe.
He crazy.
251
00:12:10,156 --> 00:12:12,673
Okay, well, let's go. Everybody
should be in bed with the lights off.
252
00:12:12,785 --> 00:12:15,242
We trying to go to sleep.
He keep throwing shoes at us.
253
00:12:16,625 --> 00:12:19,200
Man, you about to get me jacked up,
man. Is that what you're trying to do?
254
00:12:19,316 --> 00:12:21,329
Shut up!
Man, I'll poke your eye out!
255
00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:24,750
See this? This one you,
this one Rob Thomas.
256
00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:27,239
I own both of y'all.
257
00:12:28,742 --> 00:12:30,616
Watch your ass, new-meat!
258
00:12:36,530 --> 00:12:39,665
All rightie, then.
See you soon. Bye-bye.
259
00:12:41,191 --> 00:12:43,073
- Hey, dude.
- I just made a date
260
00:12:43,199 --> 00:12:45,803
- with that girly rock star's people.
- Bon Jovi?!
261
00:12:45,919 --> 00:12:49,442
Yeah, he owns the Philadelphia
Soul, the arena football team.
262
00:12:49,558 --> 00:12:50,964
I just offered to buy it.
263
00:12:51,078 --> 00:12:53,869
Awesome! All right, now I'm gonna
pretend that I have terminal cancer
264
00:12:53,984 --> 00:12:55,942
and get him to do an
acoustic set on my deathbed.
265
00:12:56,057 --> 00:12:57,522
Wait, wait, why would you do that?
266
00:12:57,635 --> 00:12:59,192
- You don't have to do that.
- No, it's great bro.
267
00:12:59,306 --> 00:13:01,488
Rock stars do the cancer-kid
thing all the time.
268
00:13:01,604 --> 00:13:04,700
Look, Frank, you got us into a
room with Jovi's people, right?
269
00:13:04,814 --> 00:13:06,808
I'm gonna get us into a room
with Jovi himself.
270
00:13:06,924 --> 00:13:09,149
I'm sorry. That's a stupid idea
and I don't want you to do it.
271
00:13:09,265 --> 00:13:10,596
Well, I already got a
bald-cap guy and everything.
272
00:13:10,711 --> 00:13:12,086
You're just confusing
everything.
273
00:13:12,203 --> 00:13:13,978
There's nothing confusing
about it, Frank. It's very...
274
00:13:14,092 --> 00:13:17,386
Shut up!
Shut your big mouth right now!
275
00:13:17,591 --> 00:13:20,084
I will put my foot down right now.
276
00:13:20,201 --> 00:13:22,854
You are not going in there with
that cancer thing,
277
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:26,344
I don't care what you say!
So get it out of your head!
278
00:13:26,649 --> 00:13:29,483
Okay. Jesus, dude, won't do
the cancer thing.
279
00:13:29,987 --> 00:13:31,290
Relax.
280
00:13:33,419 --> 00:13:36,971
So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested
in buying our arena football team?
281
00:13:37,085 --> 00:13:39,940
Big time!
But I want to do business
282
00:13:40,057 --> 00:13:42,519
with Mr. Von Joni himself.
283
00:13:42,633 --> 00:13:44,171
- Bon Jovi.
- Yeah,
284
00:13:44,284 --> 00:13:47,270
Mr. Bovine Joni himself.
285
00:13:47,396 --> 00:13:50,270
I'm offering $40 million for the team.
286
00:13:50,785 --> 00:13:54,225
Well, that is a very
generous offer, but, uh,
287
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:57,236
I must admit I'm a little bit confused
about one thing.
288
00:13:57,354 --> 00:14:00,374
What's confusing about $40 million?
That's a shitload of money.
289
00:14:00,489 --> 00:14:01,397
It is, it is.
290
00:14:01,512 --> 00:14:04,656
I'm a little confused as to why
you've chosen to involve
291
00:14:04,830 --> 00:14:06,206
this gentleman here.
292
00:14:07,439 --> 00:14:10,112
Well, if I may, I'd like to
explain to you why I'm here.
293
00:14:10,510 --> 00:14:12,732
Ma'am, I am dying of very
terminal cancer,
294
00:14:12,856 --> 00:14:15,512
and I would like to request
a private bedside concert
295
00:14:15,626 --> 00:14:16,930
from Mr. Bon Jovi.
296
00:14:17,046 --> 00:14:19,342
Now, Sambora's presence is
not necessary,
297
00:14:19,455 --> 00:14:22,002
but it would be nice
if he was involved. Question:
298
00:14:22,117 --> 00:14:23,218
Is this a laser pointer?
299
00:14:23,346 --> 00:14:24,751
- Yes.
- Can I have it?
300
00:14:25,204 --> 00:14:26,231
No.
301
00:14:26,355 --> 00:14:28,318
- I'm gonna take it anyway.
- Please don't listen to anything he says.
302
00:14:28,532 --> 00:14:31,638
- I'll give you $60 million for the team.
- Frank, Frank? Thank you.
303
00:14:31,754 --> 00:14:33,538
I got it.
We're talking about cancer.
304
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,366
Nobody cares about arena
football anymore.
305
00:14:35,492 --> 00:14:36,486
You're not negotiating shit.
306
00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:38,087
We're onto the cancer thing now,
307
00:14:38,203 --> 00:14:40,097
and that is the way it's gonna
go from here.
308
00:14:40,210 --> 00:14:42,278
Okay, I'm just gonna throw
this out there.
309
00:14:42,570 --> 00:14:44,536
I don't think you have cancer.
310
00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:45,836
What? What are you talking about?
311
00:14:45,949 --> 00:14:47,945
No, that's chemo, that's
chemotherapy right there.
312
00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:50,813
For the record,
when you go through chemo,
313
00:14:50,928 --> 00:14:52,793
- your beard hair falls out, too.
- Are you sure?
314
00:14:52,919 --> 00:14:54,164
- I told you...
- I asked a lot of people.
315
00:14:54,279 --> 00:14:57,042
- ...not to do the cancer thing.
- I asked my bald-cap guy.
316
00:14:57,158 --> 00:14:59,933
But it was working until you
got in with the bullshit numbers.
317
00:15:00,048 --> 00:15:00,983
Goddamn it.
318
00:15:01,096 --> 00:15:02,491
You know, I'm not even really bald?
319
00:15:02,815 --> 00:15:05,158
I have a full head of hair.
Not like him.
320
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:09,447
Not only do I consider it
magnificent,
321
00:15:09,572 --> 00:15:12,159
but I have a sneaking
suspicion it's pretty good.
322
00:15:15,101 --> 00:15:16,427
His eyes.
323
00:15:16,543 --> 00:15:18,406
Shine it on his dick.
Shine it on his dick.
324
00:15:22,732 --> 00:15:24,674
Oh, that's me, that's my phone.
325
00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:28,394
Hey, dude, where you been?
326
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,734
- I'm in rehab, dude.
- Oh, yeah.
327
00:15:30,851 --> 00:15:32,186
Hey, that whole Jovi thing went south,
328
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,493
so I think we're just gonna
scrap the whole book ordeal.
329
00:15:34,907 --> 00:15:36,311
What are you talking about?
330
00:15:36,709 --> 00:15:38,444
- I got another call, buddy.
- No-no, no, don't...!
331
00:15:38,996 --> 00:15:40,181
Hello.
332
00:15:40,298 --> 00:15:42,024
Yo, Bill, what's happening?
333
00:15:42,147 --> 00:15:44,123
- Who you looking for?
- Bill. Who's this?
334
00:15:44,245 --> 00:15:45,712
This is Mac.
You got the wrong number.
335
00:15:45,837 --> 00:15:48,020
- Oh, my bad.
- Yeah, no, it's no problem.
336
00:15:48,137 --> 00:15:49,661
What number were you trying to call?
337
00:15:52,016 --> 00:15:53,867
- Hello.
- Frank, you got to get me out of here.
338
00:15:53,983 --> 00:15:55,208
Where are you?
339
00:15:55,326 --> 00:15:56,796
I'm in rehab, goddammit!
340
00:15:56,913 --> 00:15:59,328
Well, I'm in a movie, and
this broad's about to get naked,
341
00:15:59,445 --> 00:16:01,649
- so I got to go.
- Yeah, no, that's okay.
342
00:16:03,822 --> 00:16:06,038
- Yeah, I thought it was some chick.
- Who are you talking to?
343
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,095
I'm talking to Bill.
344
00:16:07,210 --> 00:16:09,176
- And anyway, so...
- No, no, no, I'm not Bill, I'm Terry.
345
00:16:09,299 --> 00:16:10,357
Oh, I'm sorry, no, it's Terry.
346
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,253
Sorry about that, Terry.
Anyway, this cat people...
347
00:16:12,379 --> 00:16:14,842
Terry?
What number did he want?
348
00:16:14,968 --> 00:16:16,925
Will you please shut up?!
349
00:16:17,039 --> 00:16:19,055
- What's that?
- I got some dick in a movie theater
350
00:16:19,168 --> 00:16:20,892
- giving me shit.
- Why are you turned around like that?
351
00:16:21,005 --> 00:16:22,291
- Nice talking to you.
- Yeah, call me back.
352
00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:23,663
I'll talk to you afterwards.
Bye.
353
00:16:23,786 --> 00:16:25,992
Give me the laser pointer.
Just give me the laser pointer.
354
00:16:26,105 --> 00:16:27,211
- What a jerk.
- I know, but watch this.
355
00:16:27,327 --> 00:16:29,250
I'm gonna do it right in the
back of his head.
356
00:16:30,816 --> 00:16:33,151
Bro... you wore the battery down.
357
00:16:33,264 --> 00:16:37,499
Well, how am I supposed to
use it now? 'Cause you... jerk.
358
00:16:37,684 --> 00:16:39,668
- I'm a jerk?
- Yeah, you're a jerk.
359
00:16:39,951 --> 00:16:42,986
You're walking around with that
bald cap on all day and I'm a jerk.
360
00:16:43,112 --> 00:16:45,656
It was expensive. I'm sorry,
I want to get my money's worth.
361
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:47,178
Will you please be quiet?!
362
00:16:47,291 --> 00:16:49,724
Who talks like this in the
middle of a movie theater?
363
00:16:49,848 --> 00:16:53,634
Hey... hey, you don't know
how hard I got it, pal.
364
00:16:53,750 --> 00:16:55,922
You don't know how tough
it is being me.
365
00:16:56,046 --> 00:16:57,193
What?
366
00:16:57,459 --> 00:16:59,043
It's not that tough to be you, Frank.
367
00:16:59,159 --> 00:17:01,764
What is so difficult about your life?
368
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:06,442
Try walking a mile in my shoes
once in a while and then talk to me.
369
00:17:10,914 --> 00:17:14,260
"Our eyes locked, our hands touched,
370
00:17:14,373 --> 00:17:16,567
and she whispered in my ear,
371
00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:20,939
'Dude, your balls totally rule'".
372
00:17:21,285 --> 00:17:22,716
What the hell you think you
doing, man?!
373
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,106
I heard about this shit!
374
00:17:24,221 --> 00:17:25,986
This gonna stop!
Take his book, Rob.
375
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:27,538
Whoa, wait, man, what...
376
00:17:27,881 --> 00:17:30,596
Come on, man, I was just in
the middle of some really erotic stuff.
377
00:17:30,711 --> 00:17:33,595
Yeah, I heard about that shit. You
trying to write "memoirs," erotic shit.
378
00:17:33,711 --> 00:17:35,425
You know what?
You don't write it, bitch,
379
00:17:35,549 --> 00:17:38,222
- I write it!
- What is your problem, Sinbad?
380
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:40,304
Think you Jesus?
You think you Jesus?
381
00:17:40,430 --> 00:17:42,561
Ain't no Jesus here... except
382
00:17:42,676 --> 00:17:44,214
me, I'm Jesus.
383
00:17:44,328 --> 00:17:46,512
What the hell, man?!
You stole my thing.
384
00:17:46,629 --> 00:17:47,950
No, no, it's my thing, it's bigger.
385
00:17:48,075 --> 00:17:50,122
Rule of the land: bigger.
It's my thing now.
386
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,621
Took it. Bam. Mine.
387
00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:54,249
Fine, but what is Rob Thomas
have to do with any of this?
388
00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,028
You know, Rob, know what he
got to do with it?
389
00:17:56,145 --> 00:17:59,310
He do whatever I tell him to do
'cause he's my bitch, bitch!
390
00:17:59,903 --> 00:18:01,939
Let's get up out of here, man. Get
that, we're gonna read some smut.
391
00:18:02,053 --> 00:18:03,958
- Oh, come on, man...
- Shut up! Give it to him.
392
00:18:04,075 --> 00:18:05,645
No, I'm playing!
393
00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:09,187
I got to get out of here.
394
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:15,255
This is my day, and this is
where I come at the end of the day
395
00:18:15,370 --> 00:18:16,907
before I head off to Paddy's.
396
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:19,313
Why do you come to the fountain?
The fountain's my thing, Dee.
397
00:18:19,430 --> 00:18:21,153
Well, I'll tell you why
I come to the fountain, Charlie.
398
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,534
I come every single day
to throw money into this thing
399
00:18:23,649 --> 00:18:26,482
to wish for a better life.
Money that you apparently steal
400
00:18:26,596 --> 00:18:28,824
for spys. Okay?
So essentialy, Charlie,
401
00:18:28,946 --> 00:18:32,261
you're stealing my dreams, and if you
don't mind, I'll go get those dreams back.
402
00:18:32,375 --> 00:18:34,670
That was my spy coins.
That's my money anyway.
403
00:18:34,787 --> 00:18:36,111
That wasn't your money.
404
00:18:36,227 --> 00:18:37,998
I mean, that's what
I have to go through
405
00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:39,101
- to get laid.
- Frank, shut up.
406
00:18:39,147 --> 00:18:41,327
You're just pissed off because
I pooled it of better than you.
407
00:18:41,522 --> 00:18:42,840
You don't pooled it
of better than anyone.
408
00:18:42,885 --> 00:18:45,548
You better not loose your hair,
you ugly bold-hair.
409
00:18:45,712 --> 00:18:47,575
I was ugly as you bitch.
410
00:18:47,812 --> 00:18:50,788
- What are we doing here?
- This is the time of de day
411
00:18:50,910 --> 00:18:52,994
- when I come to the fountain.
- Why?
412
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,867
When I was a kid,
I used to swim in this fountain.
413
00:18:55,981 --> 00:19:00,805
A bunch of bowlings, kick me out.
So I waited to this time of the day,
414
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,916
and come back,
and pissed in the fountain.
415
00:19:04,030 --> 00:19:06,503
I've been pissing in
the fountain for 50 years.
416
00:19:06,627 --> 00:19:08,453
Why are you still pissing in it?
417
00:19:08,876 --> 00:19:10,324
To get back at their kids.
418
00:19:10,446 --> 00:19:13,111
- Crazy, crazy...
- You can have a good life with...
419
00:19:13,457 --> 00:19:15,081
Isn't Dee and Charlie?
420
00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:17,489
- Hey, guys, what are you doing?
- What the hell...
421
00:19:17,607 --> 00:19:20,738
These are my dreams.
They mean something to me.
422
00:19:22,905 --> 00:19:25,367
- Charlie and Dee! Dee!
- Hey!
423
00:19:25,482 --> 00:19:28,837
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking my dreams back.
424
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,026
- What are you guys doing?
- Frank is here to piss in the fountain.
425
00:19:32,141 --> 00:19:35,246
- I do it every day.
- Hey, I like you haircut, man.
426
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:39,185
- That's a great look.
- You can't tell that I'm bold.
427
00:19:39,299 --> 00:19:42,234
- Oh, my God!
- You can't tell, uh?!
428
00:19:42,350 --> 00:19:45,343
Time out. Did you see where
I pissed in the fountain?
429
00:19:46,097 --> 00:19:49,122
Hey, Dennis!
What's up buddy, come here!
430
00:19:49,468 --> 00:19:50,733
What you doing?
431
00:19:50,848 --> 00:19:53,282
Oh, I use this fountain
for killing powers.
432
00:19:53,396 --> 00:19:56,431
Plus, it's very good for my skins.
But that's not the point right now.
433
00:19:56,546 --> 00:19:59,399
You aren't gonna believe this.
Sinbad tried to kill me.
434
00:19:59,914 --> 00:20:02,341
- What?
- Sinbad, and the other comedians
435
00:20:02,454 --> 00:20:04,419
were in the rehab center
and tried to kill me.
436
00:20:04,535 --> 00:20:07,597
And then Rob Thomas, the lead singer
of Matchbox 20, was there too.
437
00:20:07,714 --> 00:20:09,727
Did it make sense?
438
00:20:09,844 --> 00:20:11,166
No.
439
00:20:11,281 --> 00:20:12,999
Time out. Time out. Time out.
440
00:20:13,114 --> 00:20:16,666
- Did you, or did you not meet Sinbad?
- Yeah, I met Sinbad.
441
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:20,238
- Can you prove that stuff?
- Yeah, it happens minutes ago.
442
00:20:20,352 --> 00:20:23,434
Memoires are back.
The story with the doush bag,
443
00:20:23,549 --> 00:20:24,926
the public eats that shit.
444
00:20:25,041 --> 00:20:26,934
- The memoire thing is gone.
- You have to go back there.
445
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:29,073
No, we can go back.
That's too dangerous.
446
00:20:29,187 --> 00:20:32,570
No, Dennis, we have to prove, we have to
make photos, we have to sign documents.
447
00:20:32,688 --> 00:20:36,372
- I'm a huge Sinbad fan. I've all his...
- Sinbad is not the man that...
448
00:20:36,975 --> 00:20:39,670
I am not going back there.
449
00:20:39,785 --> 00:20:42,382
I hope he's writting
something on a windbreaker.
450
00:20:43,757 --> 00:20:46,019
- Okay guys, this is it.
- What the hell is this?
451
00:20:46,134 --> 00:20:47,547
It's the rehab center.
452
00:20:47,662 --> 00:20:50,749
That's not the rehab center.
That's the rehab center.
453
00:20:52,414 --> 00:20:54,568
Well, this is where they drop me
after you guys drop me off.
454
00:20:54,694 --> 00:20:55,967
Everybody, you stay close to me.
455
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,268
Okay? You have to protect me.
456
00:20:57,429 --> 00:21:00,096
Because like most comedians,
Sinbad is very angry on the inside.
457
00:21:00,430 --> 00:21:03,224
- Come on, come on.
- You think he will autograph my shirt?
458
00:21:03,338 --> 00:21:07,374
He will autograph your face
until it gets bloody.
459
00:21:08,589 --> 00:21:11,942
It's like...
What is this place, dude?
460
00:21:12,057 --> 00:21:14,783
Hey! Oh, hell, no!
461
00:21:15,246 --> 00:21:17,743
We told you to not
come back here, freak!
462
00:21:17,856 --> 00:21:19,243
Where is Sinbad?
463
00:21:19,356 --> 00:21:21,782
You call me Sinbad one more time,
464
00:21:21,897 --> 00:21:24,361
- I will knock you out.
- What the hell is going on here?
465
00:21:24,475 --> 00:21:29,571
This dude broke in here, running around,
talking about memoires and Sinbad.
466
00:21:30,983 --> 00:21:32,699
So you lied to us, Dennis?
467
00:21:32,822 --> 00:21:36,617
No, I didn't lie. I sware to God, it was
all real, Sinbad was here, I swear.
468
00:21:36,733 --> 00:21:39,168
- That's it, I'm calling the cops.
- You thought that dude was Sinbad.
469
00:21:39,281 --> 00:21:41,664
Maybe that load in the head
did more damage that we thought.
470
00:21:41,780 --> 00:21:44,036
- That's not Sinbad, dude.
- I know that's not Sinbad.
471
00:21:44,150 --> 00:21:45,775
Is that a sort of sick fantasy?
472
00:21:45,889 --> 00:21:48,795
No, it's not a fantasy, I didn't make
it up, Sinbad was here, I sware.
473
00:21:48,910 --> 00:21:51,723
Guess what guys,
the memoires is dead, again.
474
00:21:51,848 --> 00:21:53,895
I can believe
you didn't meet Sinbad.
475
00:21:54,090 --> 00:21:56,084
You realize how excited
I was to meet Sinbad?
476
00:21:56,619 --> 00:22:00,213
That wasn't a comedian,
that was some dude in green pants.
477
00:22:00,325 --> 00:22:03,230
I don't know how all this happened,
it all seemed so real.
478
00:22:03,605 --> 00:22:05,570
I need to see a doctor.
479
00:22:07,286 --> 00:22:09,681
No, you don't, bitch!
480
00:22:10,964 --> 00:22:12,606
Wake up!
Yeah, you in hell, all right!
481
00:22:12,722 --> 00:22:15,379
- I'm Jesus.
- What the hell, man?!
482
00:22:16,121 --> 00:22:18,546
You call me Sinbad one more time...
483
00:22:23,653 --> 00:22:25,634
Yeah, I should definitely
see a doctor.