(CONFESSION ROOM WINDOW SLIDES OPEN)
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been, uh, 24 hours since my last confession.
Son, it's so late.
Yeah, Father. Work has just...
(SIGHS)
I lied to Connie. Uh, to my wife.
This is very serious.
I know.
I promised her I'd quit smoking.
She thinks it's bad for me.
And I'm trying, but...
I snuck a couple of cigarettes.
Maybe three.
(THUNDER RUMBLING AT DISTANCE)
Yes.
It's so hard.
Yes.
But I'm trying.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
NARRATOR: It is 5:00 a. m.
Still shank of night for some.
(CAMERA CLICKING AT DISTANCE)
But for Eddie Mannix, beginning of a new work day.
The movie studio for which he works manufactures stories,
each its own day-lit drama or moonlit dream. (WOMAN LAUGHING)
But the work of Eddie Mannix cares not for day or night.
(WOMAN EXCLAIMING)
And cares little for his rest.
PHOTOGRAPHER: That's right, doll face. Churn that butter for me.
Atta girl.
Oh, Jesus Christ on a scooter!
You here?
EDDIE: The studio has the rights to Gloria's likeness, Falco.
Give me the negatives and things will go easier on you.
These are for private use, Eddie.
Come on.
Oh, boy.
Can't a girl take a few pictures, have a few laughs?
Jeez, Eddie! What an old stick in the mud.
(GASPS)
Now, you listen to me.
You were at a party, had too much to drink.
Somebody brought you here, you don't remember who.
You're going home now.
Your name's Mary Jo Scheinbrotte.
(SOBBING) Okay, Eddie. COP: So, Eddie Mannix.
Saw your heap outside.
Got a call. Loud, disorderly.
Possible French postcard situation.
Someone was pulling your leg.
Mary Jo here was just at a costume party.
It's not really her dirndl.
She wants to contribute something to your pension fund.
Sorry to drag you out in the rain.
Well, say, no problem at all.
Aren't you Gloria DeLamour?
No, no, I'm Mary Jo
something.
Scheinbrotte.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Say, Brian.
Can I bum a cigarette?
(SOLDIERS MARCHING)
NARRATOR: Ancient Rome.
Twelve years into the rule of Tiberius, Ruler Maximus.
Rome's legions are masters of the world.
The stomp of its sandals heard from
the Iberian Peninsula in the west,
through the halls of the great library of Alexandria in the east.
As oppressed people everywhere writhe under the Roman lash,
freeman and vassal are united in one compulsory worship.
(GRUNTS)
The emperor, Caesar, is Godhead.
Lord of every man's body and spirit.
For those who will not submit,
the galleys, the arenas, even crucifixion await.
But there is a new wind blowing from the east,
from the dusty streets of Bethlehem,
that will soon challenge the vast house of Caesar,
that edifice wrought of brick and blood
which now seems so secure.
(HORSE SNORTS)
Ha!
There she is, Gracchus.
Ah, what a beauty.
GRACCHUS: Aye, Autolochus. Rome.
Suckled by a she-wolf and nurturing us, her sons, in turn.
Tonight I bathe in Caracalla
and wash away the dust of 300 miles of Frankish road.
To Rome.
To Rome! (HORSE NEIGHING)
NARRATOR: Yes, to Rome!
Glorious center of Caesar's rule.
But far away in Palestine, another man is coming home.
Saul, humble merchant of Tarsus
is about to be struck down by a vision.
What thing is this?
NATALIE: Gloria DeLamour has been checked into
Our Lady of Perpetual Rest to dry out. EDDIE: Uh-huh.
NATALIE: You have a 10:00 a. m. with Monsignor O'Reilly
at the Wallace Beery Conference Room,
and he's bringing in a Lester Silkwood
from the Legion of Catholic Decency.
And we've also invited Patriarch Vlassos for the Eastern view.
Have they read the script? Roger.
Let's also invite a rabbi and a Protestant padre of some sort
so we can get everybody's two cents.
Check.
How's production on Tucumcari?
Principal is on schedule,
but second unit has been idle
in Gallup, New Mexico for four days.
Heavy rain.
Forecast? Not good.
Send an insert truck,
have them shoot driving plates for Came the Rain.
Check.
Jonah's Daughter still behind?
Yes. Uh, director says the problem is DeeAnna,
and she's getting worse.
I know what it is. I'll drop in on her after my 10 o'clock.
All right, let's call New York.
(LINE BUZZES) NATALIE (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Schenk's office, line two.
Hi, Dorothy. Eddie Mannix. The old man in?
Natalie, I want the box office
on The Debonaires and on Blessed Event.
Can you also... Yes! Good morning, Mr. Schenk.
Very well. Thank you.
Proceeding. You know, proceeding.
Yeah, Merrily We Dance starts shooting today.
Beardly Auberon gave us a draft
that's extremely classy.
Joan Van Vechten's playing Dierdre,
but we need a male lead and we need him now.
No, Jack Hogarth is drying out at Cedars.
Metro won't lend us Gable
unless we give them the Comiskey twins.
Of course not. I agree.
What?
Hobie Doyle? Do you really think so?
After all, he's a dust actor.
The man barely knows how to talk.
Yes, of course, Mr. Schenk, I agree,
but I don't know if Hobie Doyle
has the (STUTTERS) poise in a dinner jacket.
Yes, we do need someone pronto.
No, I don't, that's very true.
But let me talk to Laurence Laurentz, the director.
It could work. It could work.
Hobie Doyle is a very promising idea.
(GRUNTS)
(GUNSHOT)
(MEN GRUNTING)
(WHISTLES)
HOBIE: Whitey!
(GUNSHOTS)
(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)
(WHISTLES)
(WHINNYING)
DIRECTOR: And cut!
Great, Hobie.
I can do the handstand smoother
if you give me another shot at her.
We got four good ones, Hobie, and Whitey's tired.
Okay, you're the boss man.
If that's lunch, I'm gonna grab me a plate of beans.
(BEVERAGE FIZZING)
All right, kids, this is Rome.
You're over at this guy's house for a revel.
And in comes Antoninus.
Lots of energy.
What are you doing at the table of viands?
Huh? You're supposed to be reclining with the lyre.
I'm sorry, I was just...
Recline with the lyre.
Don't sit on the pediment. Recline.
Relaxed, festive.
CREW MEMBER: Extras set? Set!
CREW MEMBER: Roll sound!
I got my eye on you.
CREW MEMBER: Roll camera. Fountain!
(BELL RINGING)
Hail, Caesar! Ten-apple, take 10.
DIRECTOR: And action!
(HARP PLAYING)
SENATOR SESTIMUS: Autolochus!
I had heard rumors of your return to Rome.
(HARP PLAYS OUT OF TUNE) AUTOLOCHUS: More than rumors, noble Sestimus.
I see that you are the same worshipper of Bacchus.
What gaiety.
There is still truth in the adage
"What pleasures cannot be found
"in the villa of Sestimus Amydias
"cannot be found in Rome!"
(ALL LAUGHING)
But seriously,
there is talk the Senate will send our legions out again,
and this time not on a short march to Gaul.
What truth to these mutterings, Sestimus?
The matter has been taken up in the Senate.
It seems that there is unrest in Palestine.
Palestine?
(SIGHS) That backwater!
They'll hardly be sending the sixth legion
to that godforsaken patch of desert!
(ALL LAUGHING)
MAN: Palestine!
WOMAN: (CHUCKLING) Palestine!
Ah.
Holding for a dissolve...
Still laughing...
Holding...
And cut!
Fine, boys. That was just fine.
BAIRD: Was I okay? Was I all right?
(BELL RINGING) CREW MEMBER: That's a cut!
DIRECTOR: We're gonna move on to the brazier scene.
Was I all right with the "mutterings"? It felt a little...
No, no, no, no, it's fine.
Moving on, brazier scene, 20 minutes.
Popping over to the trailer.
Okay. In the brazier scene,
they changed "passion" to "ardor. "
What? Why? I liked "passion. "
It's strong. It's passion!
BAIRD: "Such is my greeting after three months' sojourn in Gaul?
"Not so, Ursulina. "
(GROANING)
"My ardor...
"My ardor is yet as warm
"as the embers of this brazier.
BAIRD: "Embers of this brazier. "
We're ready for you, Mr. Whitlock!
BAIRD: "Not so, Sperm-ulina. "
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(GRUNTS)
EDDIE: Gentlemen, thank you all for coming.
I know you have parishes, flocks and temples
making enormous demands on your time.
But I'm sure you appreciate also
that great masses of humanity
look to pictures for information and uplift
and, yes, entertainment.
Now, here at Capitol Pictures, as you know,
an army of technicians and actors and top-notch artistic people
are working hard to bring to the screen the story of the Christ.
It's a swell story.
A story told before, yes,
but we like to flatter ourselves
that it's never been told
with this kind of distinction and panache.
Perhaps, sir, you forget its telling in the Holy Bible.
Quite right, Patriarch. The Bible, of course, is terrific.
But for millions of people,
pictures will be their reference point for the story.
The story's embodiment, the story's, uh...
Realization.
You "realize," of course, that for we Jews,
any visual depiction of the Godhead is most strictly prohibited.
Oh.
But, of course, for us, the man Jesus Nazarene is not God.
A- ha!
Who plays Christ?
Oh, a kid we're all very excited about.
Todd Hocheiser.
Wonderful young actor we found in Akron, Ohio, in a nationwide talent hunt.
But Hocheiser is seen only fleetingly
and with extreme taste.
Our story is told through the eyes of a Roman tribune.
Autolochus Antoninus.
Ordinary man, skeptical at first,
but who comes to a grudging respect
for this swell figure from the East.
And Autolochus is played by
Baird Whitlock.
Oh, my.
Well, he is certainly a great talent.
Now, Hail, Caesar! is a prestige picture,
our biggest release of the year,
and we're devoting huge resources to its production
in order to make it first-class
in every respect.
Gentlemen, given its enormous expense,
we don't wanna send it to market except in the certainty
that it will not offend any reasonable American
regardless of faith or creed.
Now that's where you come in. You've read the script.
I wanna know if the theological elements of the story
are up to snuff.
I thought the chariot scene was fakey.
How is he going to jump from one chariot to the other
going full speed?
Uh-huh.
Well, we can look at that.
But as for the religious aspect,
does the depiction of Christ Jesus cut the mustard?
Well, the nature of Christ is not quite as simple
as your photoplay would have it.
How so, Father?
It's not the case simply that Christ is God, or God Christ.
You can say that again.
The Nazarene was not God.
He was not not-God.
RABBI: He was a man. Part God.
RABBI: No, sir.
But, Rabbi, all of us have a little bit of God in us, don't we?
Well...
It's the foundation of our belief
that Christ is most properly referred to as the Son of God.
It's the Son of God who takes the sins of the world upon himself
so that the rest of God's children, we imperfect beings,
through faith, may enter the Kingdom of heaven.
So God is split? CATHOLIC CLERGYMAN: Yes.
And no.
EASTERN ORTHODOX CLERGYMAN: There is unity in division.
And division in unity.
I'm not sure I follow, Padre.
Young man, you don't follow for a very simple reason.
These men are screwballs.
RABBI: God has children? What, and a dog?
A collie, maybe?
God doesn't have children.
He's a bachelor. And very angry.
No, no, he used to be angry.
What? He got over it?
You worship the God of another age.
Who has no love.
Not true. He likes Jews.
God loves everyone.
God is love!
God is who he is.
This is special? Who isn't who is?
But how should God be rendered in a motion picture?
God isn't in the motion picture!
Then who is Todd Hocheiser?
Gentlemen, maybe we're biting off more than we can chew.
We don't need to agree on the nature of the deity here,
if we could focus on the Christ, whatever his parentage.
My question is, is our depiction fair?
I have seen worse.
Reverend?
There is nothing to offend a reasonable man.
EDDIE: Father.
CATHOLIC CLERGYMAN: The motion picture teleplay was respectful
and exhibited tastefulness and class.
Who made you an expert all of a sudden?
And what do you think, Rabbi?
Eh...
I haven't an opinion.
How did we do? I don't...
Fine. What's up?
Can't find Baird Whitlock.
He left the set over an hour ago,
said he was going to his dressing room,
but he isn't there.
Out on a bender? Middle of the day? Am I crazy?
You're not crazy, but, no.
I checked the Til Two, Dan Tana's, Rusty Scupper. No soap.
Home, maybe? Called his wife? Yep.
What did Laura say?
"He's not home, he's never home.
"He's a louse. Try one of his chippies. "
Called that script girl, what's her name, Francie?
Uh, check.
Any of the gals missing from the set?
Nope.
EDDIE: All right, gone an hour? We won't worry yet.
STUDIO ASSISTANT: Hobie?
The studio says you're finished here,
and you're to report back to the lot.
How come?
They're changing your image.
Okay.
And the studio says you're escorting Carlotta Valdez
to your premiere tonight.
How come? I don't know her.
The studio's arranging it. They're changing your image.
(WOMAN SINGING OPERATICALLY)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GONG RINGS)
Damn it!
(MUSIC STOPS)
(DRESS STRAINING)
(GRUNTS)
(DRESS POPS)
You have gas again, ma'am?
Ma'am? Miss. Do I look married?
No, miss. No! Yeah, "Gas again. "
Ask him. He knows.
All right. Scram.
How are you, DeeAnna?
How am I? Wet.
I don't think I'm gonna fit in that fish-ass after this week.
Oh, we should have the water ballet in the can after tomorrow.
In the nightclub scene,
wardrobe will have a gown for you that's more forgiving.
Any more thoughts about who you might marry?
(SCOFFS)
I ain't doing that again. I had two marriages.
It just cost the studio a lot of money to bust them up.
Well, we had to have those annulled.
One was to a minor mob figure...
Vince was not minor.
And Buddy Flynn was a bandleader
with a long history of narcotic use.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. They were both louses.
Marrying a third louse ain't gonna do me no good.
We've offered you some very suitable, clean young men.
Pretty boys, saps and swishes!
What, you think if there wasn't a good, reliable man,
I wouldn't have grabbed him?
What about Arne Seslum? He is the father, isn't he?
Yeah, yeah.
The marriage doesn't have to last forever.
But, DeeAnna, having a child without a father
would present a public-relations problem for the studio.
The aquatic pictures do very nicely for us.
So you go and strap on a fish-ass and marry Arne Seslum.
The pictures do well for all of us,
and it's a tribute to you.
The public loves you because they know how innocent you are.
That's true.
Let me see if Arne is open to matrimony.
You're sure he's the father?
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, he's the father, yes!
Pretty sure.
Hey, Maxie, bring me my ass back.
Hey, hey, buddy, come here!
How you doing, Hobie?
Hello there, Scotty.
They got you shooting on the lot?
Uh, well, Mr. Mannix pulled me off the western.
Says I'm doing a movie on a sound stage.
They built a drawing room.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
CREW MEMBER: He's here.
Oh, my dear boy. Welcome.
Laurence Laurentz.
And you look wonderful, wonderful. How do you feel?
Uh, well, this here collar is a little tight.
No, no, no. It's nicely fit, looks a marvel.
Oh. Just takes a little getting used to.
Now, Hobie, here is our set.
And, in fact, that's right, yes, you enter from there,
having just seen Biff's valise in the foyer,
in spite of Allegra's claim that he hasn't been to the house.
I'm sweet on Allegra. Indeed you are.
But I seen Biff's grip.
Indeed you have.
And so here we find you, Hobie...
We find you haunted by unspoken suspicions.
Haunted. By Biff's grip.
By his valise, yes.
But here is Dierdre
harboring deep feelings for you,
and sensing opportunity.
Dierdre. Dierdre, yes.
So at her importuning, you join her on the couch
and conversation ensues.
Um...
So, she's gonna importune, Mr. Laurence?
Laurentz.
Oh, I'm sorry.
She's gonna importune, Mr. Laurentz?
Is that something I should be concerned about?
No, she'll simply ask you to join her
on the couch, is all I mean to say,
and then conversation ensues.
Okay. Okay. I gotcha.
Very good, very good. Let's try one, shall we? (CLEARS THROAT)
Sure. (CHUCKLES) I'll give it a go.
Wonderful, splendid.
Now, the only thing I would suggest is,
before your first line, you respond to her line
with a mirthless chuckle.
A mirthless chuckle.
Yes, I think given your unspoken suspicions
about Allegra,
a mirthless chuckle.
Uh-huh. Okay, Mr. Laurence, I'll give it a shot.
Laurentz.
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Laurentz.
I'll give it a shot.
(DOOR RATTLES)
(BELL RINGING)
CLAPPER BOY: Merrily We Dance. 27-apple, take one.
LAURENCE: Action.
(RATTLING)
DIERDRE: Oh, Monty.
Come join me on the divan.
(FOOT THUMPS)
It seems Allegra's a no-show,
which is simply a bore.
But I'll partner you in bridge.
Why the pout?
Ha!
Would that it were so simple.
Uh, cut.
(BELL RINGING) CREW MEMBER: That's a cut. Back to one.
Very good. Wonderful, in fact.
But, um, let's try it a little differently this time.
Sure. Let's try...
Let's see, first of all, why don't we
dispense with the mirthless chuckle?
No mirthless chuckle.
No, no need, really. It was a bad idea. It was bad directorial.
My fault overthinking the thing.
If you say so, but I'm happy to do another,
maybe try her one more time.
I mean, if you want that chuckle, I sure wanna give her to you.
No, no, no. Completely unnecessary under the circumstances.
I think the audience can, to that extent,
they can read your thoughts,
and they will assume your mirthlessness.
Okay, you're the boss man, Mr. Laurence.
Laurentz.
Oh, gosh. I am so sorry, Mr. Laurentz.
Also, this time, let's try actually
looking at Dierdre as we speak.
Looking into her eyes and speaking our line
with a certain ruefulness.
Ruefulness, okay.
Yes. Because it's not so simple, you see.
Not so simple as she suggests.
Okay.
Your feelings are not so simple.
No, sir. Okay.
(BELL RINGING) CREW MEMBER: Roll camera.
Merrily We Dance. 27-apple, take two.
(SIGHS) Action.
DIERDRE: Oh, Monty.
Come join me on the divan.
Seems Allegra's a no-show, which is simply a bore.
But I'll partner you in bridge.
Why the pout?
(SLOWLY) Would that it were so simple.
Cut.
(BELL RINGING)
Very good, very good.
Um... (CLICKS TONGUE)
Come, come.
HOBIE: All right.
(EXHALES)
All right, let's try this.
Your line, just say it as I say it.
Say your line exactly as I'm about to.
Just as I'm about to do.
Sure, okay.
Would that it were so simple.
Um...
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
My dear boy, why do you say that?
Why do you say "twuuuuuuh"?
You said, "Say it like I said it. " Yes.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it... Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple?
No, no, watch my mouth. Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
Keep your head still. Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it were so simple.
I'm trying to say that, Mr. Laurentz.
Laurence. Mmm.
I thought...
A minute ago it was Laurentz.
No, we can use Christian names, my good dear boy.
Laurence is fine, just as I call you Hobie.
Okay.
So, would that it were so simple.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so...
Keep your hand down, now! Would that it were so simple. Trippingly.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple. Trippingly.
No, don't say "trippingly," say the line trippingly.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh... Would that it... (CLEARS THROAT)
Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple. Rueful, rueful, rueful.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple. Rueful.
Would that it were so simple.
Rueful "simple. " Would that ih twuuuuuuh...
Soulful "simple. " Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
Or soulful. You could say soulful.
Rueful, soulful. Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
What are you doing this for?
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so...
Your hands! Just keep still!
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR) (DOG BARKING)
PRODUCER: Stall? For how long?
What do I tell the director?
EDDIE: That we're looking for him.
But we don't want it in the gossip columns.
Baird on a bender, in a love nest,
or wherever we end up finding him.
And as far as the set is concerned, it's business as usual.
Tell the ADs Baird is out briefly with a high ankle sprain.
Fine, but what do we shoot without him?
We got the brazier scene up this afternoon.
Could you get through it shooting around him?
Maybe use his stunt double, Chunk Mulligan?
Chunk can't act.
Get the writer to trim his speeches.
Well, maybe, but then what do we do?
All we got left is the final scene.
Autolochus' speech at the feet of the penitent thief.
It's the emotional climax of the entire picture.
We gotta see Autolochus has absorbed the message of the Christ.
Yeah, I can see that.
We need Baird's star power, his charisma.
Sure, his emotional, uh...
This can't be faked! It's the heart and soul of the picture.
I understand. End of the film!
We can't just give the speech to some...
Some
Roman schmo!
No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.
But his benders can last a day or two.
What does it cost to shut down?
Plenty. You know how big this picture is?
We're on Stages 5 and 14.
If we're carrying everybody in the final scene
who's up on crucifixes
that's $3.40 an hour hardship pay, eight hour minimum.
Yeah. Plus we lose...
NATALIE: (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Mannix, I'm sorry... Not now.
We lose Todd Hocheiser to Fox at the end of the week.
We should have made him exclusive.
Who knew? (PHONE BUZZES)
NATALIE: I'm sorry, sir. Not now!
It's Mr. Laurentz. I can't stop him!
Mannix, I won't have it! NATALIE: No! No!
For two decades the words "Laurence Laurentz Presents"
have meant something to the public.
It's all right, Natalie. Okay, Walt, let me know.
(SIGHS)
What's on your mind, Laurence?
Hobie Doyle cannot act!
Hobart Doyle is one of the biggest
movie stars in the world.
On horseback.
But this is a drama, Mannix, a real drama.
It's an adaptation of a Broadway smash!
It requires the skills of a trained thespian,
not a rodeo clown!
I begged you for Lunt!
Mr. Mannix, I'm sorry, but you wanted me to make sure
you didn't miss your lunch at the Imperial Gardens.
You never told me who with.
Nuts.
Look, no one wants to see Lunt.
We're not recasting. This came from Mr. Schenk himself.
It's Hobie Doyle. Is the boy game?
No, he's game. And gamey!
Well, if he needs help, it's your job to help him.
I'll have a talk with Hobie and take a look at what you've shot,
but right now I've got a lunch.
"Truth to these mutterings, Sestimus. "
(GROANING)
(MUMBLING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(DOG BARKING)
(INDISTINCT)
Quiet, Engels!
How pleasant to see you, Mr. Mannix.
Your table is right over here.
Thank you, Arthur.
How you doing, Mannix?
Mr. Cuddahy.
They mix a hell of a Mai Tai. I like this place.
Sorry to keep you hanging. It's a tough decision.
Nothing to apologize for. We said the deal was on the table for a week.
Oh.
Go ahead.
No, I'm trying to quit.
I just wanted to visit again
to see if there was some impediment we could help with,
or if something in the offer isn't clear?
No, the offer's very clear. And very generous.
We want to make it easy for you to say yes.
Mannix, we need a guy with your talents in management,
problem-solving.
And you need to think about the future.
Lockheed is booming.
Everyone's riding in airplanes,
and we're moving into jet airplanes.
It's a new age, Mannix, and we're part of it.
The industry you're in, what's the future there?
What happens when everybody owns a television set?
Will they still be going to pictures every week?
Well, we like to think that families...
I don't mean to denigrate.
I'm sure the picture business is pretty damned interesting.
But it's also pretty frivolous, isn't it?
Aviation is serious. Serious business, serious people.
You won't be babysitting a lot of oddballs and misfits,
shouldering a lot of crackpot problems for...
We have some kooks, sure, but...
(CHUCKLES) Of course they're kooks! It's all make-believe.
(CHUCKLES)
I told myself I wasn't gonna
badmouth the competition, and look at me.
Sorry, Mannix. I'll stick with what we're about.
Let me show you something.
Ever heard of the Bikini Atoll?
No.
Test site.
Just couple of rocks in the middle of the Pacific,
until a few weeks ago,
when we blew the H-erino.
I shouldn't be telling you this.
It's the real world.
Hydrogen bomb.
Fusion device.
Armageddon.
And Lockheed was there. We had a... (BEADS JANGLING)
Call for you, Mr. Mannix.
Oh, thank you.
Hello?
Yeah, he has it now?
No, have him stay on set, I'll go to him.
Sorry, Cuddahy, work emergency.
Still do work there, for the day anyway.
You make a good case. I'll let you know.
(DEVICE WHIRRING) (THUD)
(THUDDING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTS)
(THUD)
(VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)
Uh...
You one of the Hollywood people?
Maybe.
They're in there.
(VACUUM CLEANER STARTS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CHATTER GROWS LOUDER)
(DOOR CREAKING)
Please, enter. All are welcome.
(GRUNTS)
Those things are a nuisance.
Thank you.
We'll have sandwiches in a minute.
Tea?
Uh, okay.
Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT) And, uh...
And what's going on?
Yeah.
Well, we've just read the minutes.
And Alan was about to bring up new business.
Well, I missed the minutes.
I wouldn't worry about it.
They're usually pretty boring.
What kind of a meeting is this?
HEAD WRITER: Well, it's not a meeting
so much as a...
It's, uh, more of a study group.
And you're studying?
All sorts of jolly stuff.
History. Economics.
WRITER 1: Same thing, isn't it?
History, economics.
Don't you agree?
I'm not really a student of history.
(DOG BARKING)
WRITER 2: Quiet, Engels!
BAIRD: Thank you.
Man is split?
Well, Man's functions are split.
There's the little guy, the regular Joe who works for a living.
He's the body, body politic.
Then there's the brain, the boss, the owner.
The boss is not the brain.
No, no! The boss is parasite!
HEAD WRITER: Well, it's true that the boss doesn't work, but he has a function.
He controls the means of...
Production. Sure, but that's not a function, that's...
Parasitism! On the... Shut up!
On the body politic. Of the regular Joe! WRITER 3: Shut up!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Man is unitary.
A simple economic agent.
Man's institutions are split,
expressing contradictions that must be worked through.
And they are worked through in a causative, predictable way.
History is science.
This is the essence of the dialectic. (WRITERS AGREEING)
You see, if you understand economics,
you can actually write down what will happen in the future.
With as much confidence as you write down the history of the past.
Because it's science. It's not make believe.
We don't believe in Santa Claus.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Another finger sandwich?
Thank you. Now if I follow this correctly... (CAMERA CLICKS)
Who's that guy?
Uh, Mr. Smitrovich takes pictures for our newsletter.
Our understanding of the true workings of history
gives us access to the levers of power.
Your studio, for instance, is a pure instrument of capitalism.
As such, it expresses the contradictions of capitalism
and can be enlisted to finance its own destruction.
Which is exciting.
It can be made to help the little guy, the regular Joe.
The body politic! Shut up!
Even though its purpose is to exploit the little guy.
WRITER 4: And the body politic.
You're for the little guy? (CAMERA CLICKS)
For the little guy or against, it doesn't matter.
History will be what it will be,
and we already know what it'll be.
But yes, we're for the little guy.
Aren't you? Shut up!
Are you joking? Me, for the little guy?
Of course I'm for the little guy.
What, is this guy a comedian?
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Listen, I better get back. The studio's gotta be going nuts.
Can we cut it off now and pick it up right here
at the next study session?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, well, see...
I'm afraid it's not that simple.
NARRATOR: And so, Baird Whitlock found himself in the hands of communists.
Meanwhile, far from the crashing surf of Malibu,
Eddie Mannix, torn from his lunch with a Lockheed man,
hurries back to the vastness of Capitol Pictures,
whose tireless machinery clanks on,
producing this year's ration of dreams
for all the weary peoples of the world.
Hey, numbskull. Didn't you see the rolling light was on?
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Mannix. Can I help you find someone?
No.
URSULINA: Autolochus! AUTOLOCHUS: Yes?
Why do you present yourself in my chambers in such humble fashion?
Do not look upon me, Ursulina.
The fires of the brazier of Sestimus
have latterly burned my face!
Though the unguents of Arkimideus
promise shortly to undo the damage.
Autolochus, you know that my love is for you,
not for your station.
AUTOLOCHUS: And my ardor for you... (STAMMERING)
CHUNK: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
"We are the Future. "
What does that mean?
Beats me.
Somebody slipped it under my door
sometime after we broke this morning.
Mention it to anyone?
Nope.
Okay, well, let's keep it that way.
Hey, by the way, Chunk sounded good in there.
Natalie, could you please get me Stu Schwartz, Accounting?
(LINE BUZZES) NATALIE: Stu Schwartz on two.
Stu, how are ya? I need some petty cash.
$100,000.
I'm sorry, did I say petty?
Well, it's a long story, and I'll tell it to you some time.
You have that much in the office?
Yeah, how much space will that take up?
Uh, Mr. Mannix?
All right, this might do it.
Uh, Thora Thacker just came in.
Wonders if you have a moment.
Thora Thacker.
Tell her I'm stuck on a call.
I'll leave through the patio.
Call didn't take so long then.
Yes. No. Fast talkers.
What can I do for you, Thora?
Well, I'll be fast, too.
I only wanted to notify you as a courtesy
that I am running my Baird Whitlock story.
Yeah? What's the story?
The story. I have a credible source and I am going to run it,
and I think you know what story I mean.
I have no idea.
There's nothing going on with Baird. I would know, wouldn't I?
Don't play dumb, Eddie.
I am talking about
On Wings as Eagles.
What?
Running it tomorrow.
First of all...
First of all, there's nothing to that story.
I've heard it, it's been around forever,
and it's never been confirmed.
And secondly, you can't print that.
Even if you could print it, you couldn't print it.
And you wouldn't want to, Thora. It's beneath you.
The facts are never beneath me.
People don't want the facts, they wanna believe!
That's our great industry, mine and yours, too.
They wanna believe that Baird Whitlock
is a great star and a good man.
You're admitting he isn't.
No, I'm saying he is, though it's beside the point.
There's nothing to it, nothing to the gossip.
I am not a gossip columnist!
No, no, no, of course not.
Don't confuse me with my sister!
Hardly. But look, do you have to run it tomorrow?
It's my entire column.
I'm happy to talk to Baird for comment,
but it will have to be this afternoon.
Baird's unavailable right now. Wait one day.
Ha!
Thora, wait one day and I'll give you
a true story for tomorrow's column.
A little something
about Hobie Doyle.
My readers don't care about Hobie Doyle.
He wears chaps!
Do they care about Carlotta Valdez?
They're sweet on each other.
You should see the two of them together. Like peas in a pod.
Trade the story of my career for a puff piece on Hobie Doyle?
I don't think so.
You're not trading anything, you're waiting one day
on a story that's years old.
Wait one day. I can let you talk to Baird,
show you your story's the bunk.
If I'm wrong, no skin off your nose. You run the column.
In the meantime, you have an exclusive.
No one else knows about Hobie and Carlotta.
No kidding. You're it.
What kind of name is Thora, anyway?
It's a name that 19 million readers trust.
Don't play games with them, Eddie.
Oh, nobody's playing games here.
(BAG STRAINING)
Is that big enough?
(LOCKS LATCHING)
Hello, Eddie. I'm notifying you as a courtesy
before I run tomorrow's story.
Thessaly? Yeah, I just saw your...
Ah, never mind. How you doing? What's the story?
It's about Baird Whitlock.
There's absolutely no truth to that old story, believe me.
Old? Old, stale, rotten and...
I'm talking about today.
What?
A little bird told me that he disappeared from the set today.
Oh, that! No, no.
Yes, he did have to take a break.
Minor injury. High ankle sprain.
What did you think I meant?
No, nothing. I saw your sister earlier.
She was trying to resurrect some old gossip about Baird.
Oh, I'm sure she was, that cow!
She wouldn't know a news story if it bit her on the posterior.
Yeah, well, she's... High ankle sprain?
Is that really the best you could come up with?
We all know about the womanizing and the drinking jags
and those trips to San Berdoo.
Baird is a good family man.
He has a high ankle sprain.
Mr. Mannix?
What's up, Peanut?
Natalie told me to find you PDQ.
I know it sounds screwy, but she said
someone's calling from the future.
Good Lord! Thessaly, I have to run.
If you do know where Baird is, you must let me talk to him.
Sure. I'll find out where he is right away, Thessaly,
and I'm sure...
Say, what kind of name is Thessaly, anyway?
It's a name that 20 million readers trust.
They want the truth, Eddie.
The truth, yes. Mmm-hmm.
We're gonna give it to them.
On three. And Hobie Doyle is in there.
Hey. HOBIE: Hello, Mr. Mannix.
EDDIE: Thanks for coming, Hobie. One second.
Hello, Mannix... (DIAL TONE)
Damn.
Hung up, Natalie. Tell me the second they call back.
NATALIE: Yes, sir.
What's going on there, Mr. Mannix?
Looks like you're expecting rain.
No, it's nothing.
How's the first day on the picture?
You getting comfortable?
Oh, I guess it's going pretty good.
Uh, that Mr. Laurentz, he's an awful good man.
He's helping me get through it.
I give him all the credit in the world,
me being the new hand in the bunkhouse.
They got me talking a lot,
which takes a little getting used to,
talking with the camera looking at me, but, heck, I enjoy.
Oh, good, that's fine.
Usually on a picture, I just say, "Whitey" or "Whoa, there. "
But this one here, it's talking.
And it's people listening.
That threw me a little at first,
but I think I got my leg up on her now.
That's fine. Laurentz came by this morning
to tell me how well you're doing.
You just continue to do whatever he says.
He knows how to make a quality picture.
That is true. He will not quit on a take until it has quality.
(LINE BUZZES) That them?
NATALIE: Sorry, sir, no.
Do you want Mrs. Mannix on one?
Hiya, hon.
You know, busy.
Uh-huh.
I thought he asked to play infield.
I see.
Maybe we should make him honor that commitment.
That's true. No, of course, you're right.
Okay. Okay, I'll call the coach.
Sure.
I love you, too.
Mr. Mannix, you want me to run out
and get you a bigger grip?
That one looks a little bit snug.
(LOCKS CLICKING)
Hobie.
There's $100,000 in that attaché case.
Ransom money.
Baird Whitlock has been kidnapped.
This is bad.
Bad for movie stars everywhere.
And you got no idea who's mixed up in this thing?
I would look at the extras.
The extras? Why?
Well, you just never know about an extra. They come and go.
Everyone else, I'm on the set, I see the guy setting the 5K,
I think, "Why, there's old Bud setting the 5K."
Script girl, wrangler, same thing.
Extras, that's different.
Not making a blanket call here.
I mean, there's good extras and bad extras.
All I'm saying
(CLEARS THROAT)
you look at an extra,
you got no idea what he's thinking.
(LINE BUZZES)
NATALIE: He's back! Line two.
Hello. You have the money?
Yes, I have it.
Stage 8?
Behind the electrical box? Just leave it there?
And when do I get Baird? When we have the money.
I'll do it right now.
Can I use your belt?
(SHIP HORN BLARING)
(BELL DINGING)
The Swingin' Dinghy is closing, folks.
Time for me to clean up, time for you to clear out.
So long, fellas. See ya in eight months.
GIRL 1: Toodle-oo. GIRL 2: See ya later, boys.
Eight months?
Yeah, we're shipping out in the morning.
Golly! Eight months without a dame.
Can you beat it?
You're gonna have to beat it!
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
(SIGHS)
(SINGING) We are heading out to sea
And however it'll be
(PIANO PLAYING) It ain't gonna be the same
'Cause no matter what we see
When we're out there on the sea
We ain't gonna see a dame
We'll be searching high and low
On the deck and down below
But it's a crying shame
We'll see a lot of fish But we'll never clock a dish
We ain't gonna see a dame
No dames
We might see some octopuses
No dames
Or a half a dozen clams
No dames
We might even see a mermaid
ALL: But mermaids got no gams
No gams
(FEET TAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Hey! Off of there!
Hey, come on.
Hey! Come on.
Hey!
Oh, come on!
Oh, Christ! Climb up and tappin'.
Ah, come on!
(METALLIC CLINKING)
(BELL RINGING)
SAILOR 1: Have we got a girl for you!
SAILOR 2: (SINGING) Out there on the sea
Here's how it will be
I'm gonna dance with you, pal
You're gonna dance with me
ALL: When we're out there on the sea
We'll be happy as can be
Or so the captain claims
But we have to disagree 'Cause the only guarantee
Is I'll see a lot of you And you'll see a lot of me
ALL: And it's absolutely certain that we'll see a lot of sea
But we ain't gonna see no dames
SAILOR 2: No dames!
We're gonna see How will it be?
No dames! With no dames!
We're gonna see How will it be?
No dames! No dames!
We're gonna see And how will it be?
We ain't gonna see no...
This place looks open!
(SAILORS CHEERING)
What the...
You, out!
(EXCLAIMS)
Stop it! Hey! Hey!
Quit it! Cut that out!
This ain't that kind of a place!
ARNE: Cut!
Yeah, okay. CREW MEMBER: Okay, kids...
Okay.
Come here, Burt Gurney. We go again.
Anything different, Mr. Seslum?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.
Mostly pretty good, but this time
don't put dishrag on bartender's head.
You're a big star, Burt Gurney.
Who cares about the bartender?
You are the star. (SCOFFS)
That's my whole character, the slow burn.
Gosh, Mr. Seslum, I don't mind if he wants to...
It is decided. Hello, Burt.
Hello, Mr. Mannix.
Arne. Hello.
Listen, I don't wanna stick my nose in other people's business,
but, uh...
Well, I understand you've been associating with DeeAnna Moran?
Yeah, yeah, we associated.
Yes.
But no more, no more. Don't you worry, Eddie Mannix.
But, Arne, you are aware that she's...
This must not be in movie magazines, that we are associated.
No, no, of course not.
My wife cannot read this.
Your... Excuse me?
llsa Pflug.
llsa Pflug-Seslum.
In Malmö.
I was not aware of that.
ARNE: Yeah, two children.
And a third on the way, apparently. Mmm-hmm.
Do you enjoy physical culture, Eddie Mannix? Do you ski?
No. I never took it up. Seems like a lot of fun, Arne.
I no more associate with DeeAnna Moran.
I hug you.
Goodbye.
BAIRD: I spent the night.
So, I feel somebody poking at me, and I wake up and it's Clark.
And he says, "Well, your keys aren't in there, so I guess we're walking. "
(ALL LAUGHING)
This was back before Gable was Gable.
Yeah, we used to go up to San Berdoo every weekend.
Bob Stack would come up sometimes.
Blue Grotto was still open.
Dave Chasen was a busboy.
Quite a place. Yours?
Gracious, no. It belongs to a member of our study group.
He couldn't be here this afternoon.
He'll be sad to have missed you.
He's a fan.
Uh-huh. That's swell.
So, I black out, I wake up here...
(WINCES)
And I say to myself,
"Baird, you gotta stop doing this. " (ALL LAUGHING)
But you're saying, actually, technically, I was kidnapped.
Well, technically, yes.
There's gonna be a ransom?
I'd hardly call it a ransom.
Benedict there. That's Benedict de Bonaventure.
He wrote The House of Ahasuaris.
Enormous hit. Made the studio millions of dollars.
Did you see any of those millions of dollars, Ben?
I did not.
Dutch over there.
Dutch Zweistrong wrote All The Way To Uruguay.
I wrote all the All The Way pictures.
All successful. You see any of the profits, Dutch? (SCOFFS)
See, all of us here are writers.
The pictures originated with us. They're our ideas.
But they're owned by the studio.
I'm not saying only writers are being exploited.
I mean, look at yourself, Baird.
The studio takes pretty good care of me.
What are you, a child?
I think what Herschel's trying to say is,
just because the studio owns the means of production,
why should it be able to take the money, our money,
the value created by our labor,
and dole out what it pleases?
That's not right.
So, no. No. I wouldn't call it ransom.
Payback. WRITER 1: That's right.
Now, until quite recently our study group had a narrow focus.
We concentrated on getting communist content into motion pictures.
Always in a sub rosa way, of course.
And we were pretty darn successful.
You remember in Kerner's Corner
the town hall scene where the alderman
overturned the rotten election
and made Gus the mayor?
Yeah.
Well, I like to think we've changed a few minds.
But then Dr. Marcuse came down from Stanford, joined the study group
and started teaching us about direct action.
Praxis. Action.
We each pursue our own economic interest.
We ourselves are not above the laws of history.
But in pursuing our interests with vigor,
we accelerate the dialectic
and hasten the end of history and the creation of the New Man.
Plus, we make a little dough. DUTCH: Shut up!
We're not even talking about money!
We're talking about economics.
Sure, good.
Good stuff.
So, now, uh, do I get a share of the ransom?
No. (ALL LAUGHING)
No, Mr. Whitlock, you can hardly share in your own ransom.
That would be unethical.
I don't know. That doesn't seem fair, fellas.
I mean, the whole setup only works if I play along, right?
If I don't let on that I know who kidnapped me.
Well, yes, that's right.
What if I name names?
If I just tell the truth.
Uh...
I don't think you'll do that, Mr. Whitlock.
What if we told the truth about On Wings as Eagles?
EDDIE: Sid.
We have to work something out for DeeAnna Moran.
She get married again?
No, that's the problem. Having a child, not married.
Whew. Tough.
Yeah, no father.
Well, of course there is one somewhere.
But who knows? Exactly.
So is there any way...
I'm just spitballing here.
Any way she could adopt her own child?
Interesting. As a single... Mmm-hmm.
She disappears for a while, reappears. Uh-huh.
She wants to share her blessings, adopt a child.
Sure. She's always yearned to be a mother.
That's it.
Well, I don't see why not.
Nothing in the California statute
prohibits adoption by one's own parent. Mmm-hmm.
This is new ground.
Technically, she'd have to give up the baby
to a third party.
Joe Silverman.
Joe Silverman. Exactly.
He's the foster father for a few days.
She hands the kid to Joe, he hands it back.
I'll do some research.
All right.
NATALIE: Mr. Mannix, it's 5:30.
This is exciting.
NATALIE:... and asked all of the assistant directors, and one of them said
that an extra in the courtyard of Sestimus Amydias seemed jumpy.
All right. Get Walt the name of the extra
so he can bring him in and sweat him.
Walt should tell him that we won't press charges
if he tells us where Baird's been taken.
NATALIE: Check.
And if he plays dumb, or the AD's wrong and he is dumb,
check the other extras.
Check. Thessaly Thacker called, (SIGHS)
said you promised her an interview with Baird today.
Check that. It was Thora Thacker.
No, it's Thessaly.
Tell her he was at the doctor longer than expected,
and she can see him on the set bright and early tomorrow.
Check. And is that last part true?
Let's hope so. Oh, that reminds me.
I need a list of everyone who worked on
On Wings as Eagles who's still at the studio.
On Wings as Eagles? That's a while ago now.
Aside from Baird and the director, it won't be a long list.
Yeah. Get it for me. That it?
Uh, no. One more thing.
A Mr. Cuddahy called,
said you know him. Yeah, yeah.
He said it's urgent, he'll see you one last time,
suggested same place, 7:00 this evening.
Why? Never mind.
Okay, tell him I'll be there.
CAD: Back to your place?
WOMAN: What a bore.
Hello, C.C.
WOMAN: I rather thought we might go to Lake...
Oh, hi, Eddie.
Wanna lace up what you got on Merrily We Dance?
It's up now. I'll put some music on it.
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
CAD: Taxi!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Back to your place?
What a bore.
I rather thought we might go to Lake Onondaga for the weekend.
Just the two of us.
Don't have my valise. I left it in your foyer.
Oh, you'll get by without a change.
Suits me.
If you don't mind skipping out on your own party, Allegra.
Suits me.
And skipping out on Monty.
That suits me as well.
Oh, poor Monty. (BOTH CHUCKLING)
What Monty doesn't know...
Won't hurt Monty.
DIERDRE: Oh, Monty.
Come join me on the divan.
It seems Allegra's a no-show, which is simply a bore.
But I'll...
(C.C CALHOUN CHOKING)
(FEEBLY) Reverse.
(STRAINING) Reverse! Reverse!
(EXCLAIMING)
Whoa!
(CHAIR THUDS)
I shouldn't wear scarves.
It seems Allegra's a no-show, which is simply a bore.
But I'll partner you in bridge.
Why the pout?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
It's complicated.
How pleasant to see you again, Mr. Mannix.
Thanks for coming back, Mannix.
EDDIE: Sure.
You're taking us down to the wire, aren't ya?
It's not a ploy, it's a big decision.
Absolutely. No foul.
But the board was concerned
when I couldn't give them a yes this afternoon,
so they authorized me to say this.
You sign on, your term of contract is 10 years.
(WHISTLES)
Yeah. You get it, right?
That means your stock options are guaranteed to vest.
You'd never have to work again
if you chose to retire after your term.
Think about it.
Lifetime employment.
You wouldn't be a glorified working stiff like you are now,
and you'd be running a business, not a circus.
Drink?
Cigarette?
No, no. I gotta run.
I should talk this over with my wife.
Of course. Talk it over, think about your family,
let us know in the morning.
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
If you think this is a bribe,
you're absolutely right.
You have two kids, right? A boy and a girl?
That's right.
They love this stuff. Used to be trains.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
CARLOTTA: Hello, Hobie.
Oh, hello, Carlotta.
Am I late?
Oh, no, it ain't nothin'.
Thanks an awful bunch for coming to this picture with me.
I don't know if you like livestock,
but I think it's got moments, I really do.
You look very purty.
Thank you, Hobie!
I'm sure I'll like the picture.
I like all of your pictures.
Well, I like yours, too.
They are just the craziest things.
Uh, is it hard to dance with all them bananas on your head?
Oh, no. Anyone can do it.
It's all in the hips and the lips and the eyes and the thighs.
(DOOR OPENING)
Little Eddie wanted me to tell you about his baseball game.
They won.
That is terrific.
(SIGHS) Gosh, I never called the coach.
Eddie played at shortstop?
Mmm. And he did so well, he wants to stay there now.
That's great.
Took care of itself.
And Darlene did very well on her Spanish test.
That's good. She was worried about that.
Hey, thanks for heating up the roast, hon.
Warm glass of milk?
Uh, no, thanks, hon. Coffee.
I gotta run back to the studio.
A few things to take care of.
Gee, another late night. Hmm.
You know, Lockheed improved their offer.
Darned good money,
and the hours wouldn't be crazy like this either.
It's nice to be wanted.
Yeah. Sure, but...
What do you think? They wanna know tomorrow.
(SIGHS)
I like the shorter hours.
But what do you think, honey? You know best.
Hmm.
How's it going with the smoking, dear?
Oh, you know...
NARRATOR: The denizens of Los Angeles make ready for nightlife, or for sleep.
But Eddie Mannix will have neither.
Even in westerly Malibu, the sun has moved on,
leaving the vast and tireless sea
to heave itself blindly upon the shore.
The communists welcome a rare moment of leisure.
Brief surcease from struggle.
Baird Whitlock has become their acolyte,
a convert to their cause,
his belief compelled but not grudging.
He now seeks to learn more from Professor Marcuse
and becomes ever more committed
to the quest to hasten an end to history
and bring on the New Man.
Herb, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
That's what happened to me when I went to Reno with Danny Kaye,
and he asked me to shave his back.
The exact same thing.
Because I'm thinking, "Who benefits?"
Also, I gotta tell ya, everybody thinks that Danny is a jerk.
He's not really a jerk.
It's just the theory generating its own anti-theory.
Anyway, there we were, it's me and Danny,
and I'm wondering what the hell am I doing
with a razor in my hand.
And he says it's for a Norman Taurog picture.
But Judy Canova is there, and she knows Norman.
She says, "Danny's not doing a Norman Taurog picture.
"He just wants you to shave his back!"
And that's who benefits.
NARRATOR: In livelier precincts,
the swells of Dreamland gather to inspect
the completed weave of another piece of gossamer.
Another movie,
another portion of balm
for the ache of a toiling mankind.
CURLY: Where is she?
Hold your horses, I'm right here.
What's on your mind, Curly?
CURLY: It's not my fault you saw me take
that pie off the sill, Ms. McGraw.
Not your fault? Whose fault was it, Curly?
Why, that crazy, lazy full moon!
Two weeks ago, you'd never seen me take it.
(CHUCKLES)
Darn you, moon! What good are you anyway?
Don't know about this part.
They only give me one shot at the song.
I wish there never was no moon.
I wish there weren't no bossy old women!
Don't blame that moon, Curly. She can't do nothin' but shine.
(SINGING) Lazy ol' moon, keep shinin'
Darn you.
HOBIE: Shinin' down on me
You turned Curly Strimlin in to the authorities for the last time!
HOBIE: Lazy ol' moon, keep shinin'
Shinin' just to be
On that ol' plantation where I used to roam
Light my weary way back home
Darn! Where'd she go?
HOBIE: Lazy ol' moon, keep shinin'
Shinin' down for me
(SIRENS WAILING)
NARRATOR: Another part of town, another cast of characters,
another task for Eddie Mannix.
We're just getting started.
I've been taking DeeAnna through this.
So Joe has done
just a whole lot of good work for us in the past.
Whenever we've needed a witness or a third party for...
I don't know, a petition of grievance or alienation of affection.
And he's reliable?
I'm bonded, miss.
Joseph Silverman is the most reliable human being
on the planet in our experience.
When Chubby Cregar was intoxicated
and hit that pedestrian on Gower,
we had the vehicle title transferred to Joe's name,
and Joe did six months in LA County lockup.
But you're off the sauce now?
I never touch it. It was a legal fiction.
That's right.
When the studio needs someone who meets
the legal standard of, uh...
How did you put it, Sid?
Personhood.
Joe steps in and acts as the person.
So you're a professional person?
That's right, miss. Initial here and here.
SID: Joe will be the foster parent until such time as
you adopt the child,
which you can do as soon as Joe takes possession of it.
And he's reliable?
I'm bonded, miss.
The release papers you're signing
will not be a matter of public record.
All these documents will be sealed until the year 2015.
And no one's the wiser.
SID: No one the wiser.
No fans, no press, no court officials, not even a notary public.
EDDIE: Joe himself is the notary.
You must have very strong forearms.
Is it hard squeezing it like that?
It's part of the job, miss.
Late night, Mr. Mannix?
Late night for both of us.
Will you call Projection Seven and have them
lace up yesterday's dailies on Hail, Caesar!
Sure thing. Yesterday's?
Thanks, Scotty.
(GRUNTING)
AUTOLOCHUS: Romans before slaves! Make room, you fools!
Romans before slaves!
Make room!
How's that? What do you think? DIRECTOR: Cut!
CLAPPER BOY: 27, Baker two.
DIRECTOR: Action.
Go ahead, I'm listening.
Walt talked to the extra. Right guy.
No info. Doesn't know where they took Baird,
but described the truck they put him in.
DIRECTOR: Cut! Good!
Walt found the guy who owns the truck and is talking to him.
CLAPPER BOY: Baker four.
Walt's a problem-solver. He's a good man. DIRECTOR: Action!
What else?
PR just called in their report on the Hobie Doyle premiere.
Warm reception.
I got something... I had spittle. Good.
CLAPPER BOY: Baker six. DIRECTOR: Action.
Okay. He's terrific.
DIRECTOR: Squint! Squint against the grandeur.
It's blinding! Blinding!
(MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
HOBIE: Now, let's see what we can do here.
Okay.
Well, I don't think it's regulation size, but it'll have to do.
You ever heard of origami, what the Japanese do? Uh-huh.
This here's Italian origami.
Yeah?
See, now you just... Whoop!
Let's see how she does now.
Oh, she's peekin' back.
Oh! There she goes.
(LAUGHING)
She's bawlin'.
Clear! Ah!
This is why I never order it with meat sauce.
How'd you get into pictures, Hobie?
Got roped into it.
(LAUGHING) Stop!
Don't play with your food.
Food!
You're the one playing with it.
Stop it!
Pictures. Well, I wrangled for a while,
and then they saw I could say a line or two,
and I was Bad Clem or Deputy Number Two
or a guy's buddy for a couple of years,
and then someone heard me sing and they made me the guy.
You're awfully cute.
Oh, heck, you ain't seen the half of it. I'll show you cute.
Just a second here, a little souvenir from my rodeo days.
(LAUGHING)
Tell you what, I was steer-bustin',
and I went down and the steer went up,
and my teeth headed off for east Texas.
Here, it's coming around again.
Whoo!
(SINGING) You gotta give a little
Take a little
BOTH: And let your poor heart break a little
That's the story of...
CARLOTTA: That's the glory of love
You gotta laugh a little, cry a little
And let the clouds roll by a...
Well, now, this is interesting.
I didn't know you two were friends.
Oh, heck, yeah.
We just caught my picture Lazy Ol' Moon, and I guess we're...
Yes, we're friends. We're...
We're fixin' to be friendly, tell you that.
That's good.
"Fixin' to be friendly. "
That can be my column headline.
Oh, I guess that'd be okay.
Have a good evening.
(EXHALES)
I mentioned the name of my picture.
I think we're supposed to do that.
Well, now, this is interesting.
I thought I was getting an exclusive on this.
I'd like to know what the hell is going on here.
Oh, well, like I said, we just saw Lazy Ol' Moon, and...
And Hobie and I are fixin' to be friendly.
What? HOBIE: We're just...
THORA: Friends, my foot!
What's the matter, Hobie?
I gotta skedaddle. So sorry. Oh!
Have to catch one of your pictures next time.
I'm looking forward to it.
CARLOTTA: Bye, Hobie.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, toss me them keys, pard.
I'm taking the car.
Hobie Doyle?
You're a communist, too?
So, it's commies.
You ever been in this place? Pretty nice, huh?
It's Burt Gurney's.
He sings, he dances, he's got taste.
You here alone?
Everybody else went down to the beach.
Well, all right, pard.
Let's us head on back to town.
You got Mr. Mannix worried sick.
(DOG BARKING)
Easy.
Here!
(EXHALES)
(WATER GURGLING)
(SONAR BEEPING)
(BARKING)
Take care of him.
Comrade. Comrade!
We salute you.
You are going to Moscow to become Soviet Man
and help forge the future.
We stay behind, continuing to serve in our disguise
as capitalist handmaidens.
But the money should go to the cause,
not to the servants of the cause.
ALL: Yes! That's right.
We... Well...
Our modest contribution to the Comintern.
They will be pleased.
(ENGELS BARKING)
No! No!
Engels!
(ALL GASPING)
(WHIMPERING) No.
(ALL SIGHING)
(SUBMARINE SIRENS BLARING)
(MEN GRUNTING)
(SONAR BEEPING)
Oh.
BAIRD: Oh, boy! It's late. I'm in the doghouse.
Better forget about my place.
Drop me off at the Beverly Hills Hotel. (POLICE SIRENS BLARING)
HOBIE: All righty.
Huh.
Who are you?
Todd.
You get a hot breakfast or a box breakfast?
I don't know.
Are you a principal or an extra?
I think I'm a principal.
Yeah.
BAIRD: I'm thinking, "What the hell?"
Woken up in some strange houses before,
but never without a broad next to me.
Mmm-hmm. These guys are pretty interesting, though.
They've actually figured out the laws that dictate everything.
History, sociology, politics, morality, everything.
It's all in a book called Kapital, with a "K."
That right?
Yeah. And you're not gonna believe this.
These guys even figured out
what's going on here at the studio,
because the studio is nothing more
than an instrument of capitalism. Hmm.
Yeah, so we blindly follow these laws like any other institution,
laws that these guys figured out.
The studio makes pictures to serve the system.
That is its function.
That's really what we're up to here.
Is it? Yeah.
It's just confirming what they call the "status quo. "
I mean, we may tell ourselves that we're creating
something of artistic value,
or there's some sort of spiritual dimension to the picture business.
But what it really is, is this fat cat,
Nick Schenk, out in New York,
running this factory, serving up these lollipops to the...
What they used to call the bread and circuses for the...
What...
(GRUNTS)
Now, you listen to me, buster.
Nick Schenk and this studio have been good to you
and to everyone else who works here.
If I ever hear you bad-mouthing Mr. Schenk again,
it will be the last thing you say
before I have you tossed in jail
for colluding in your own abduction.
Eddie, I wouldn't... I would never do that!
Shut up!
You're gonna go out there and you're gonna finish Hail, Caesar!
You're gonna give that speech
at the feet of the penitent thief,
and you're gonna believe every word you say.
(GRUNTING)
You're gonna do it because you're an actor
and that's what you do,
just like the director does what he does,
and the writer and the script girl
and the guy who claps the slate.
You're gonna do it because the picture has worth!
And you have worth if you serve the picture,
and you're never gonna forget that again.
(MUMBLING)
I won't forget, Eddie.
You're damn right you won't.
Not as long as I run this dump.
(DOOR OPENS) Baird.
Go out there and be a star.
NATALIE: Mr. Mannix!
Since you're going to your car,
I thought you might wanna take this.
What is it?
From DeeAnna Moran.
Thank you, and she doesn't need to
adopt her baby after all.
Huh?
She asked Joe Silverman out for dinner last night,
and I guess it went well.
They drove to Palm Springs
and were married at 3:00 this morning.
Huh. (SIGHS)
Will you be gone long? Today's call list to go through.
No, less than an hour. Personal errand.
It's a nice arrangement.
She charged it to the studio.
Right. (GASPS)
Just coming to see you.
Good morning. Uh...
Sorry about last night, Thora. I didn't know your sister would show up.
Well, that's as may be, but I certainly learned my lesson.
Whatever you say today, Eddie Mannix,
my column tomorrow is about
On Wings as Eagles.
Thora, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
I'm sure you wouldn't.
No, no, no, you don't understand. Let's sit down.
I'm telling you not to run the column, Thora, for your own good.
(LAUGHS)
I can judge my own interest.
This will be the story of the year.
And it so happens the Hearst syndicate
are looking to pick up a Hollywood column.
And you think this will cinch it for you?
You know it will.
Baird Whitlock, your biggest star,
got his first major part in On Wings as Eagles
by engaging in sodomy
with the picture's director, Laurence Laurentz.
Oh, we've all heard the story.
But here's something you haven't heard.
Your source is a communist.
If you print it, it'll be dismissed
as a commie smear tactic,
and you'll be dismissed as a commie stooge.
Burt Gurney has left the country.
The cell he was part of has been smashed by the police.
Might have thought he was credible
because he's Mr. Laurentz's current protégé,
but you don't want to be seen as Burt Gurney's mouthpiece after this.
How did you know Burt was my source?
Late last night, I talked to Laurence,
put two and two together.
Well, no reason to send this since I ran into you.
It's my way of apology for Thessaly horning in last night.
I do value our friendship, Thora,
but I'm late for something important.
(GOAT BLEATING)
(WOMAN SOBBING)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Why on your knees before this Hebrew, Autolochus?
I encountered him before, Gracchus.
Beside the well of Jehosaphat.
And what manner of man.
He's a priest of the Israelites,
despised even by the other priests.
No.
On yesterday's march,
punished by the dust of the road,
I sought to drink first at the well,
before the slaves in my charge,
whose thirst was far greater than my own.
A Roman drinks before a slave.
This man was giving water to all.
He saw no Roman, he saw no slave.
He saw only men, weak men, and gave succor.
He saw suffering, which he sought to ease.
He saw sin, and gave love.
Love, Autolochus?
He saw my own sin, Gracchus, and greed.
But in his eyes, I saw no shadow of reproach.
I saw only light.
The light of God.
You mean, of the gods.
I do not, friend Gracchus.
This Hebrew is a son of the one God.
The God of this far-flung tribe.
And why shouldn't God's anointed appear here
among these strange people, to shoulder their sins?
Here, Gracchus, in this sun-drenched land.
Why should He not take this form,
the form of an ordinary man?
A man bringing us not the old truths,
but a new one.
A new truth?
AUTOLOCHUS: A truth beyond the truth that we can see.
A truth beyond this world.
A truth told not in words, but in light.
A truth that we could see if we had but...
If we had but...
Cut! Cut! "Faith! Have but faith!"
(BELL RINGING) "Faith. "
"Faith. Faith!" God damn it!
Go one again. Isn't it...
They changed it.
You got most of it, man. You're all right.
All right, hang on. (SIGHS)
Can I get a pat down? I'm sweating like a pig in this thing.
Ah, son of a bitch!
(SIGHS)
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
How long since your last confession, my son?
It's been, what, 27 hours.
It's really too often, my son.
You're not that bad.
I don't know, Father.
I snuck a cigarette. Or two.
I didn't make it home in time for dinner.
(SIGHS)
And I, uh, struck a movie star in anger.
All right.
Five Hail Marys.
Okay.
Father?
Yes, my son.
May I ask you something, Father?
Of course, my son.
If there's something that's easy,
is that wrong?
Easy?
Yeah, easy to do.
Easy to...
Like, an easy job.
No, it's not a bad job. It's not bad.
But, then, there's this other job that's not so easy.
No, in fact, it's hard.
It's so hard, Father...
Sometimes I don't know if I can keep doing it,
but it seems right.
I don't know how to explain.
God wants us to do what's right.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course He does.
The inner voice that tells you what's right,
it comes from God, my son.
Yeah, I got it.
That's His way of saying that...
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
NATALIE: Still raining in Gallup, New Mexico.
And the Tucumcari crew has shot all the plates
we need for Came the Rain.
Well, just shoot the showdown in the weather and we'll retitle it.
Tucumcari Tempest, Desert Squall, Hold Back The Storm.
NARRATOR: The stories begin, the stories end.
I don't know, bounce it off the writers.
NARRATOR: So it has been.
Here's today's call list.
Add a call to a Mr. Cuddahy at the Lockheed Corporation.
Long call? Short?
"Thanks, but no thanks. " How long was that?
NARRATOR: But the story of Eddie Mannix...
Who do we call first?
...will never end.
New York first.
Time to check in with Mr. Schenk.
NARRATOR: For his is a tale written in light everlasting.
(SIRENS WAILING)