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Transcript: SimonP
Synchro: swsub.com
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And then Peter said, "Brie,
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"that's my favourite cheese as well."
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And that was when my bag...
I don't know what happened,
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it just kind of split open.
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Apples and oranges everywhere.
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And we tumbled about.
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Yeah. Like a pair of
confused little kittens.
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And when Peter had helped me
pick everything up, well...
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it just seemed rude not
to give him my number.
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Hey, you asked for my number!
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I'm not a slut.
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Oh, is that the end of the story?
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OK, are we all set for tonight?
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Yes. Can you please bring me some wine?
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That was some...
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Buying the same sort of cheese!
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You made a 20-minute story
out of it.
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Have you thought of adapting it
into a film?
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No.
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Well done, you've bagged a normal.
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Yes.
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He is proper normal, isn't he?
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He's taking me to Paris this weekend.
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Ah, Paris...
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- Have you been to Paris, Moss?
- No.
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No. I've heard of it.
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- Brie?
- Yeah, what?
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Nothing. I had you down
a Double-Gloucester-type person.
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Yes, I know what you mean.
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It's been ages
since I had a mini-break.
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Not only that but all of my friends
are single
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and so are all of his,
so tonight, we're gonna have
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a big dinner party and...
It's gonna be brilliant.
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Or perhaps that should be "brie-lliant".
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Do you know, it is really
important to me that you like him.
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No, honestly, it is...
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I know we had some rocky beginnings
but I really think of you now
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not just as my workmates,
but as friends.
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- Stop it!
- No, I... I mean that.
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I really do.
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You're really important to me.
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Listen, Jen, I've got some bad news,
Colin can't make it tonight.
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Oh. But Steve and Jake
are still coming?
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Colin was bringing them.
I don't know them well,
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it'd be uncomfortable without Colin.
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I suppose we'll have to call
the whole thing off.
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Unless you can find
three guys to replace them.
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I... Bit of dust.
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I'm gonna...
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... definitely later phone the...
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Strange... Oh, look at that...
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Oh, I can't... I can't...
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It's my home, it's my special place,
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I can't let you nut-jobs
into my special place!
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"Nut-jobs"?
I hope you're not including me in that.
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Wait a second, we were all
"brilliant friends" a minute ago.
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Yes, yes,
I meant friends in a different way,
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in a kind of special way that
means you can't come into my home.
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Right, so sort of like
not being your friends at all.
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Yes, yes, sort of like that
but in a really special way.
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This is your lowest moment, you know.
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I think I can live with it.
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Roy, can you look at my PC, please?
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It keeps freezing.
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Did you hear something, Moss?
I thought I heard a noise.
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I didn't hear anything, Roy. Unless
it was some kind of stupid mouse.
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Yeah, or... Or a rat.
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Yes, I think it did sound more
like a rat.
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I know I was horrible. I'm sorry.
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Richmond...
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Oh, Richmond, not you too.
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I'm sorry, Richmond...
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Hello!
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I smell food!
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What are you doing? Don't sit down yet.
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Why not? I'm tired.
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That's the rules.
We stand around a bit first.
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- We have drinks.
- Where's Peter?
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In the kitchen.
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- Can I go to the toilet?
- Yes, you may. You don't need to ask.
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It's just down there to the left.
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There you go.
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Thank you, Roy.
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How lovely. White wine.
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Never seen a wine actually called
"White Wine".
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- Thank you, Roy. What are you drinking?
- Red wine, please.
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- Richmond?
- Do you have absinthe?
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- No.
- I only drink absinthe.
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Absinthe, no.
Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg?
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Carlsberg, perfect.
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That was quick.
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I washed my hands!
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- What do you want to drink?
- White Russian.
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A white Russian?
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Oh, for God's sake!
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Documentaries...
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Balsamic vinegar...
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Conversation...
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I heard one of Jen's friends
is a model.
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I bagsy the model!
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We discussed it as a group,
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and we think it would be best
if I were to sit beside the model...
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Because...
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I would like to ask her how I would
go about becoming a photographer.
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Or... a model.
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Paula?
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She'll appreciate that.
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She's just had reconstructive
face surgery
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so she'll be happy
to have someone to talk to.
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Right.
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It's really brave of her to come out
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because she was in
a really bad car accident
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so you have to be extra nice to her.
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Car accident.
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Brilliant. Just my luck.
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I'll be honest. The reason
I got you round a bit early
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is to go over some ground rules, OK?
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If this evening is gonna work
in any way,
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you need to pretend
to be normal people, yeah?
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Keep the conversation about things
that would interest everybody.
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You know, nothing about memory
or RAM.
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Memory is RAM!
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Oh, dear!
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If you stray into areas
I don't think appropriate, I'll...
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I don't know... I'll cough.
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Coughing is the signal.
Richmond, did you hear that?
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- What?
- If Jen coughs we have to stop talking.
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Fine.
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Moss, this is important,
I'm sitting you beside Margaret.
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Margaret, from her name
I presume she's a lay-dee?
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Yes.
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She's nice. She got divorced
recently but I should say
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when she's had a few drinks
she tends to get a bit...
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over excited.
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Needs to go to the toilet a lot.
That happens to me.
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I try to think of something dry,
like the desert or...
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Shredded wheat.
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You don't understand.
What I'm saying is she's kind of...
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She's kind of on the look out for a man.
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I see. What does he look like?
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He wouldn't come here,
not with all these people around.
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What's this about?
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- Jen's friend has got a stalker.
- Cool.
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God, maybe I could just kill myself.
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Here they are, so look normal.
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Look more normal, more normal!
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Relax!
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Forget it!
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Hello. Come in.
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Hello. I'm Roy.
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I'm sorry about the accident.
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Hello.
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This is Paula.
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Yep, I know.
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I was talking to her.
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Did you think I was talking to you?
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This is Jessica.
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Hello, everybody!
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Oh, my God. Social situations!
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Oh, bloody hell, I think this is my one.
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These are my workmates.
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They're not my usual friends.
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I work with them, they're my workmates.
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Oh, yes.
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"IT department... does not compute."
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Oh, my God!
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- You must be Roy.
- Yep.
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00:10:00,206 --> 00:10:01,515
Hello, everybody!
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I have had a few drinks already,
so, no-one take advantage of me.
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Oh, go on then!
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I was very pleased
with my last campaign.
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I just started running it today.
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00:10:34,018 --> 00:10:35,018
That's you!
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00:10:41,327 --> 00:10:42,327
So...
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... how bad was the accident?
177
00:10:46,366 --> 00:10:49,670
Well, a motorbike jumped the lights
and so I swerved into a lamppost.
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00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:52,375
The airbag didn't deploy
so I hit the dashboard.
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00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:54,938
- With your facial area.
- I hit it full in the face.
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Of course you did!
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Speed?
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I was doing about 75.
183
00:11:03,114 --> 00:11:04,137
That's fast!
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00:11:06,215 --> 00:11:08,117
When you regained consciousness,
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00:11:08,733 --> 00:11:11,321
did you look in the mirror and think,
186
00:11:11,557 --> 00:11:13,284
"Oh, God, my face is ruined"?
187
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They didn't let me see
my face after the accident.
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I see.
189
00:11:21,497 --> 00:11:24,231
They said it might not be
as symmetrical as it once had been,
190
00:11:24,408 --> 00:11:26,075
but symmetry isn't everything.
191
00:11:26,376 --> 00:11:28,041
Yeah... I like symmetry.
192
00:11:29,269 --> 00:11:33,162
Stop it! Stop it!
I'm trying to eat my dinner!
193
00:11:36,030 --> 00:11:37,903
Gosh. Oh dear!
194
00:11:38,081 --> 00:11:41,154
Look at us having a conversation. Yikes!
195
00:11:43,041 --> 00:11:46,308
Getting to know you,
getting to know all about you!
196
00:11:48,188 --> 00:11:51,040
Eating! Hello, how are you?
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00:11:51,370 --> 00:11:53,488
"Oh, I'm a fish.
Help, I'm being eaten!"
198
00:12:01,403 --> 00:12:04,624
You know when you laugh,
I can see the outline of your skull.
199
00:12:06,405 --> 00:12:07,954
You have a beautiful skull.
200
00:12:18,428 --> 00:12:19,621
So the surgeon...
201
00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:21,042
- Yeah?- Good man?
202
00:12:21,182 --> 00:12:22,683
Very. He did his own nose.
203
00:12:24,304 --> 00:12:26,648
And did you meet him
before the operation?
204
00:12:26,911 --> 00:12:29,055
Yeah, he ran me through it.
He was really nice.
205
00:12:29,232 --> 00:12:31,671
- Confident?
- Why are you so interested?
206
00:12:33,346 --> 00:12:34,744
My... mother...
207
00:12:35,544 --> 00:12:39,419
is thinking of having
a breast augmentation.
208
00:12:39,762 --> 00:12:43,156
- I see.
- Yeah. Always wanted them bigger!
209
00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:46,413
But I promised I'd get them
for her birthday.
210
00:12:47,978 --> 00:12:50,128
- Her 60th is coming up.
- Right.
211
00:12:52,568 --> 00:12:56,411
Well, I think a round of applause
is justified for that dinner.
212
00:12:59,959 --> 00:13:02,545
Yes, and thanks, Peter, for making it.
213
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:05,957
So, who's for dessert?
214
00:13:06,423 --> 00:13:09,172
- Isn't this dessert?
- No, that's tartare sauce.
215
00:13:10,829 --> 00:13:12,383
- Can I have some dessert?
- Yes.
216
00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:15,484
I'll have the tartare sauce.
Stop it! Stop it!
217
00:13:15,644 --> 00:13:17,114
Look how ticklish he is!
218
00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:18,942
- Stop it!
- Come on!
219
00:13:21,543 --> 00:13:23,599
Jen, do something about that woman!
220
00:13:23,741 --> 00:13:25,292
- I warned you about her.
- When?
221
00:13:25,443 --> 00:13:27,048
I spent 10 min trying to warn you.
222
00:13:27,188 --> 00:13:29,888
I can see why she's divorced.
She's very divorceable.
223
00:13:30,044 --> 00:13:32,570
You can't wait to take her to court
to get rid of her!
224
00:13:32,710 --> 00:13:34,220
What are you doing?
225
00:13:34,557 --> 00:13:37,160
Well, not that
it's any of your business,
226
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:39,436
but I was planning to have a little poo.
227
00:13:40,969 --> 00:13:43,148
No, no, I mean with Paula.
228
00:13:43,369 --> 00:13:46,239
You keep asking her all those
questions about her accident.
229
00:13:46,382 --> 00:13:48,341
- I'm interested!
- You're wondering
230
00:13:48,483 --> 00:13:50,986
- what state her face is in.
- Was that obvious?
231
00:13:51,314 --> 00:13:54,681
I suppose I better go back in there
and see what Judy Finnegan's up to!
232
00:13:54,985 --> 00:13:57,612
If this keeps on going on
I will divorce her.
233
00:13:57,906 --> 00:13:59,205
You're not married to her.
234
00:14:00,243 --> 00:14:02,257
No, I suppose... I suppose I'm not.
235
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:04,236
Come on, behave yourselves.
236
00:14:04,457 --> 00:14:06,633
There's still a chance
to save this thing.
237
00:14:07,076 --> 00:14:08,352
Oh... why...
238
00:14:21,362 --> 00:14:23,012
Sorry, I couldn't hear you.
239
00:14:28,230 --> 00:14:31,844
I said, "Do you think you'd die
if you drank wee?"
240
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:35,370
I don't know, but it's
a bloody good question.
241
00:14:35,566 --> 00:14:38,978
Here's a question - who here
would eat a spider? I would.
242
00:14:39,694 --> 00:14:43,693
I ate an eel in New York but I was
on stage so it doesn't count.
243
00:14:44,104 --> 00:14:47,137
Ah, New York, the city of apples.
244
00:14:48,397 --> 00:14:51,103
Peter, I got that link
for the Firefox extension.
245
00:14:51,245 --> 00:14:52,780
What's your e-mail address?
246
00:14:53,169 --> 00:14:55,160
- Do you have a pen?
- I'm recording.
247
00:14:55,426 --> 00:14:57,622
It's filepeter@hotmail. com.
248
00:14:58,319 --> 00:15:00,328
"Filepeter"? And why "filepeter"?
249
00:15:00,574 --> 00:15:02,487
Well, File is my second name.
250
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:05,080
Right, I see. Peter File.
251
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:06,461
Who's a paedophile?
252
00:15:07,942 --> 00:15:10,472
No, no, his name is Peter File.
253
00:15:10,903 --> 00:15:12,319
His name is paedophile?
254
00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:16,738
Don't say it like that!
It sounds like "paedophile".
255
00:15:16,993 --> 00:15:19,950
- That what he just said.
- No. "Peter File".
256
00:15:20,325 --> 00:15:22,653
- Paedo File?
- PETER... File.
257
00:15:23,119 --> 00:15:24,899
- Who's a paedophile?
- No one.
258
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:27,343
Right. It just sounds like "paedophile".
259
00:15:27,483 --> 00:15:28,623
No, it doesn't.
260
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,582
Does a bit. "Peter File. "
261
00:15:30,759 --> 00:15:32,156
"Peter File"? It does.
262
00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:37,360
Yes, I suppose it does!
263
00:15:40,254 --> 00:15:42,382
I hadn't noticed so...
264
00:15:43,487 --> 00:15:45,412
It doesn't worry you, does it?
265
00:15:45,882 --> 00:15:46,882
No, no.
266
00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:50,139
Of course it doesn't.
267
00:15:52,168 --> 00:15:55,765
They say "PED-o-phile" in America.
Maybe you should move to America!
268
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:57,705
He's not moving to America!
269
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:02,718
Raiders Of The Lost Ark?
270
00:16:05,795 --> 00:16:07,113
Circle Of Friends?
271
00:16:07,427 --> 00:16:09,741
- It's so obvious!
- No speaking!
272
00:16:09,905 --> 00:16:11,556
I've been standing here for 10 min.
273
00:16:11,713 --> 00:16:14,565
- Where's Richmond and Jessica?
- Pirates Of The Caribbean!
274
00:16:15,077 --> 00:16:16,706
Why Pirates Of The Caribbean?
275
00:16:16,922 --> 00:16:20,649
I don't know but it was a great movie!
Johnny Depp, what a revelation!
276
00:16:21,529 --> 00:16:22,752
It's Crash!
277
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:24,832
It's very obviously Crash!
278
00:16:24,998 --> 00:16:27,652
Here's a car crashing into another car,
279
00:16:27,835 --> 00:16:30,964
there's people screaming
and blood... Oh, Paula!
280
00:16:33,207 --> 00:16:35,593
Let's play Spin The Bottle!
281
00:16:35,758 --> 00:16:36,973
Oh, for God's sake!
282
00:16:37,118 --> 00:16:38,487
- Oh, what?
- Nothing.
283
00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:41,498
- I'm embarrassing him!
- You're making a fool of yourself!
284
00:16:41,819 --> 00:16:44,903
- He's a delicate flower.
- You are drunk!
285
00:16:45,078 --> 00:16:47,254
If you paid more attention to me...
286
00:16:47,415 --> 00:16:49,185
Tell me, Margaret, tell us all,
287
00:16:49,362 --> 00:16:51,797
how could we pay
any more attention to you?
288
00:16:52,092 --> 00:16:53,275
You've changed.
289
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,264
You're not the same man I liked
when I came into the party.
290
00:16:56,937 --> 00:16:58,393
We've all changed, Margaret.
291
00:16:59,550 --> 00:17:00,857
We all have.
292
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:17,683
For God's sake!
293
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:21,761
Night, Jen. Roy's gonna walk me home.
294
00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:23,119
Oh, lovely.
295
00:17:23,321 --> 00:17:24,792
It's just in case any kind
296
00:17:24,950 --> 00:17:26,937
of Elephant man mob situation kicks off.
297
00:17:30,881 --> 00:17:33,165
Sorry about Margaret,
it won't happen again.
298
00:17:33,815 --> 00:17:35,136
Fiddly-do.
299
00:17:35,443 --> 00:17:37,164
Come on, let's get you home.
300
00:17:40,328 --> 00:17:41,880
- Goodbye, Jen.
- Bye, Jen.
301
00:17:42,599 --> 00:17:43,605
Bye.
302
00:17:44,507 --> 00:17:45,602
Oh, my God!
303
00:17:53,518 --> 00:17:55,921
Nightmare! An absolute nightmare.
304
00:17:56,195 --> 00:17:57,344
What do you mean?
305
00:17:57,580 --> 00:18:00,685
Well, I always have this theory
that if you let your work life
306
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:04,954
mix with your personal life,
then somehow, something will go wrong.
307
00:18:05,494 --> 00:18:08,430
But nothing has, has it?
I think it all went rather well.
308
00:18:08,633 --> 00:18:11,926
They all seemed to pair off. It's what
you want from an evening like this.
309
00:18:12,103 --> 00:18:13,248
I suppose so.
310
00:18:13,766 --> 00:18:15,616
You're gonna have to face the fact
311
00:18:15,813 --> 00:18:18,852
you run a very successful
dinner party, Jen Barber.
312
00:18:19,570 --> 00:18:22,568
You didn't do too badly yourself,
"paedophile".
313
00:18:28,631 --> 00:18:31,474
- Thanks for walking me home.
- That's OK. Goodbye.
314
00:18:38,448 --> 00:18:39,985
- You live here?
- Yeah.
315
00:18:42,305 --> 00:18:43,729
That's a big telly.
316
00:18:45,011 --> 00:18:48,050
And all the consoles.
You've got all of the consoles.
317
00:18:48,722 --> 00:18:50,034
Why having them all?
318
00:18:50,174 --> 00:18:53,057
I'd hate it if a game came out
on one and I couldn't play it
319
00:18:53,369 --> 00:18:55,442
so it's best to get them all.
Don't you think?
320
00:18:55,619 --> 00:18:56,622
I do think.
321
00:19:00,077 --> 00:19:01,868
And a man doesn't live here?
322
00:19:02,188 --> 00:19:03,345
No, just me.
323
00:19:10,696 --> 00:19:11,955
I'm gonna gamble.
324
00:19:12,195 --> 00:19:13,200
What?
325
00:19:14,801 --> 00:19:17,106
Would you like to come
for a drink some time?
326
00:19:18,093 --> 00:19:19,658
You know, like a date?
327
00:19:19,854 --> 00:19:20,923
What the hell?
328
00:19:21,065 --> 00:19:22,462
Roy, I'm very flattered...
329
00:19:22,654 --> 00:19:24,915
Good. Of course you are. Thursday?
330
00:19:25,092 --> 00:19:26,605
... But you're not my type.
331
00:19:27,990 --> 00:19:28,993
What?
332
00:19:29,152 --> 00:19:30,540
I mean physically.
333
00:19:31,425 --> 00:19:32,673
Physically?
334
00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:35,580
Hello!
335
00:19:37,295 --> 00:19:38,787
I think I can do better.
336
00:19:55,496 --> 00:19:57,123
- Can I have a lend of this?
- No.
337
00:20:04,701 --> 00:20:05,967
Listen, Jen.
338
00:20:07,723 --> 00:20:10,822
When we get back, maybe we should
think about, I don't know,
339
00:20:11,530 --> 00:20:14,966
moving your stuff over to my place,
vice versa, I don't mind but...
340
00:20:15,594 --> 00:20:18,105
I think it's time we moved
onto the next level,
341
00:20:18,321 --> 00:20:20,968
- don't you?
- Yes. Yes, definitely.
342
00:20:22,056 --> 00:20:23,067
Great.
343
00:20:23,836 --> 00:20:26,212
If there is a Peter File
in the terminal building
344
00:20:26,354 --> 00:20:28,382
could he please make his way to gate 24?
345
00:20:28,715 --> 00:20:30,466
We are looking for a Peter File.
346
00:20:31,524 --> 00:20:33,387
24... we're at the wrong gate!
347
00:20:34,541 --> 00:20:37,216
Could Peter File please make himself
known to ground staff?
348
00:20:37,814 --> 00:20:39,059
I'm Peter File!
349
00:20:39,216 --> 00:20:41,194
We are looking for a Peter File.
350
00:20:41,456 --> 00:20:42,750
I'm Peter File!
351
00:20:42,966 --> 00:20:44,544
Wait here! I'm Peter File!
352
00:20:44,732 --> 00:20:47,261
Hold on! Come on, Jen. I'm Peter File!
353
00:20:49,992 --> 00:20:52,740
It's "Peter File" not "paedophile".
354
00:21:09,782 --> 00:21:12,054
It's very loud, mind if I turn it down?
355
00:21:12,363 --> 00:21:13,996
I wouldn't do that!
356
00:21:19,116 --> 00:21:22,519
Oh, dear! Look at me, having an orgasm!