1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,642 (BOTH SlNGlNG) 4 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:29,379 Bull's-eye, yeah. 5 00:01:29,672 --> 00:01:30,881 (LAUGHS) 6 00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:34,301 -Here, have a swig, man. -No, it's okay. Thanks. 7 00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:36,720 Come on, it's just beer, you pussy, have a drink. 8 00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:38,388 All right, fine. 9 00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:41,892 (COUGHlNG) 10 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:46,647 -l love beer. -Yeah, l can tell. 11 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:52,236 l thought l told you to ditch all this monster movie crap. 12 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,322 -What's wrong with it? -Jesus, Jeff. 13 00:01:55,406 --> 00:01:56,865 When are you gonna grow up? 14 00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,242 Getting you laid is hard enough 15 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:01,995 without having to explain the whole Bruce Campbell factor. 16 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,540 What's wrong with Bruce Campbell? 17 00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:07,501 Death of the Dead? 18 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:08,919 Maniac Cop? 19 00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,214 Moonwarp? 20 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:14,424 (TlRES SCREECHlNG) 21 00:02:16,427 --> 00:02:20,013 Bruce Campbell is the greatest actor of his generation! 22 00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:22,182 Man with the Screaming Brain. 23 00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:23,433 Alien Apocalypse. 24 00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:26,145 Oh, here's a good one, Cave AIien. 25 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,688 That is a good one! 26 00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:30,232 Yeah, "Bruce Campbell is Lieutenant Jack Stryker, 27 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:34,611 "a rogue clone warrior and mankind's last hope against the deadly cave aliens." 28 00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:36,446 Yeah. So? 29 00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:40,284 Dude, forget thumbs, Ebert wouldn't wipe his crack with this trash. 30 00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:41,493 Get out of the car. 31 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:44,163 -What? -You don't like Bruce, you walk! 32 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,123 Hey, take it easy, man. 33 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:49,918 Besides, l kind of liked Bubba Ho-tep. 34 00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:52,462 Everyone liked Bubba Ho-tep! 35 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:53,839 Calm down. 36 00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,468 Okay. All right, fine. 37 00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:03,307 -Now, can we please go get laid? -All right. 38 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,466 Holy shit. 39 00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:43,889 Boo! 40 00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,015 Dick! 41 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,851 (LAUGHlNG) Dude, just fucking with you. Come on. 42 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,728 What the hell? 43 00:04:08,122 --> 00:04:09,623 (SCREAMS) 44 00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:10,916 (GlRLS LAUGHlNG) 45 00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:14,127 You scream like a girl. 46 00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:16,213 Jeff, Little Debbie. 47 00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:17,464 Hey. 48 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,217 Clayton, Big Debbie. 49 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,427 -Hey. -Hey. 50 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:25,806 Come on, let's go check out this creepy graveyard. 51 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,057 (LlTTLE DEBBlE WHOOPlNG) 52 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,935 When l told the mascara queen about this old graveyard, 53 00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,896 -she practically dry humped me on the spot. -GlRLS: Yeah. 54 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:36,358 -She's sort of cute. -Yeah. Don't worry, hard on. 55 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,776 Morticia's all yours. 56 00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:41,822 l'm gonna go practice my human fly on little Miss Skyscraper over there. 57 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,407 (CLAYTON WHOOPlNG) 58 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,243 (COUGHlNG) 59 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,583 -Hey. -Hi. 60 00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:57,296 They look ancient, historic. 61 00:04:57,380 --> 00:05:01,758 Yeah, these graves have been around since the cave-in of... 62 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,593 A long time ago. 63 00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:06,263 Must have meant a lot to these people. 64 00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:09,766 Let's break something. 65 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,562 As long as it's not my heart. 66 00:05:13,604 --> 00:05:15,605 What do you say? Give me some sugar, baby. 67 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,607 -What? -Hey, look. 68 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,028 We can play the hard to get all night, 69 00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:25,699 but if this game's called eye-tag, your lips say l'm it. 70 00:05:25,783 --> 00:05:26,783 (SPlTS) 71 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:27,826 (GROANS) 72 00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:29,286 (LlTTLE DEBBlE LAUGHlNG) 73 00:05:31,956 --> 00:05:33,582 Your loss, baby. 74 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:35,917 Your loss. 75 00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:40,547 (CLATTERlNG) 76 00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:45,135 So, why haven't l seen you around school? 77 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,804 -That's 'cause l'm never there. -Cool. 78 00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:52,059 -You seeing anybody? -No. 79 00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:53,226 Cool. 80 00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:55,979 (BlRD CAWlNG) 81 00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,221 Groovy. 82 00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,396 Christ! Shit! 83 00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:41,691 (ROARlNG) 84 00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:43,985 (JEFF EXCLAlMS) 85 00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:46,029 JEFF: Run! Get the hell out of here! 86 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,240 Freak. 87 00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:50,117 (GROWLlNG) 88 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,331 (EXCLAlMlNG lN STRANGE LANGUAGE) 89 00:06:57,375 --> 00:06:58,375 (BlG DEBBlE SCREAMS) 90 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:01,420 Shit, Clayton, run! 91 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,338 Yeah, right, Romeo. 92 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,262 (BlG DEBBlE SCREAMlNG) 93 00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:16,143 Shit! 94 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:23,066 -What's up with that fucking lightning? -That's heat lightning, baby. 95 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,359 (LAUGHlNG) 96 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:25,902 (CLAYTON GROANS) 97 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,487 (SCREAMS) 98 00:07:28,364 --> 00:07:30,574 (BOTH SCREAMlNG) 99 00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:35,954 (SCREAMlNG) 100 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:39,082 -Jeff, don't leave me! -Come on, Clayton, run! 101 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:43,295 Jeff! Jeff, don't leave me, man! 102 00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:44,838 Come on, man! 103 00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,923 Don't fucking leave me! 104 00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:50,343 (CLAYTON GROANlNG) 105 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:53,096 No! No! 106 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:55,765 Shit! 107 00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:01,771 (GUAN-Dl ROARlNG) 108 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:08,445 What did l do? 109 00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,828 Hold it right there. 110 00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:22,501 What's wrong with you, Stryker? We've got the cave alien cornered. 111 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:25,629 Okay, so transmit the scans up to Delta Baker, 112 00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:28,173 plant some bio blasters and send out for Chinese. 113 00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:31,218 -Colonel Parker's still trapped down there. -Cry me a river, toots. 114 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:35,096 Last time l ran into Colonel Parker, he had me in front of a firing squad! 115 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,766 Coward! 116 00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:40,477 l should have left you on Regula Nine. 117 00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:44,314 You know you couldn't do that, baby. 118 00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,733 Yeah. That's right. 119 00:08:46,817 --> 00:08:51,321 You knew they built me out of your old man's DNA, don't you? 120 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:54,991 So l say we keep in the family and start swapping some spit, ASAP. 121 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,494 -You're disgusting. -l'm a man. 122 00:08:57,578 --> 00:09:01,081 And l've wanted to do this ever since we landed on this rock. 123 00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,960 (ROARlNG) 124 00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,639 Damn it! We're surrounded! 125 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,350 BRUCE: Behind you! Look out! 126 00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:21,851 Get down! 127 00:09:24,188 --> 00:09:27,274 Watch out, watch out! Take him out! Take him out! 128 00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:30,694 Can't you die? 129 00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,365 (CREATURE GROANlNG) 130 00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,242 (EXCLAlMlNG) 131 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,080 Cut! Cut! 132 00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:43,290 Cut! 133 00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,000 (BELL RlNGlNG) 134 00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:48,336 (PEOPLE CHATTERlNG) 135 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,426 -Dude, light me, don't fight me. -Hey, bite me. 136 00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,097 Bruce, that was sweet. 137 00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:01,558 Don't you think it was just, l don't know, a little over the top? 138 00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:04,352 No, no, no. lt was very CaIiguIa meets The Apple Dumpling Gang. 139 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:05,729 That's not an answer. 140 00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:08,732 lt was perfect for Cave AIien 2. Moving on! 141 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:15,322 Hey, Tiny, fetch me another lemon water, will you? 142 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:18,408 -They just ran out, man. -Well, then, dude, you run out, capiche? 143 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,201 Come on, now. 144 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,497 (EXCLAlMS) 145 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,416 Nice job, baby. 146 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,710 l'll tell you, what a relief, on these down-and-dirty shows, 147 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:30,003 to be working with a pro. 148 00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:31,671 l wouldn't know. 149 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:36,760 Good. 150 00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:40,805 God damn it. "Get me some lemon water. Give me some sugar, baby." 151 00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:44,768 Perfect. 152 00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:48,021 Get a load of this, bitch. 153 00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:49,439 (TRlCKLlNG) 154 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:53,401 Hey, l know this bar off Cahuenga where the drinks are cheap, 155 00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,445 and, well, l'll be there. 156 00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:57,072 (CELL PHONE RlNGlNG) 157 00:10:57,948 --> 00:10:59,449 Hello? 158 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,743 Oh, hello. 159 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,037 No, you're not interrupting anything. 160 00:11:04,121 --> 00:11:05,872 At least think it over. 161 00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,500 Mr. Campbell, that refreshing lemon water you asked for, sir. 162 00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:10,335 Thanks. 163 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:11,461 Hey. 164 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,799 -This is warm. -Sir, l'm sorry. 165 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,927 l'll make sure you get an ice-cold case of it in your trailer by the morning. 166 00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,303 All right. 167 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,806 You're lucky. See to it. 168 00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:26,851 (CHUCKLES) Man, that's good. 169 00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:28,645 (GULPlNG) 170 00:11:32,316 --> 00:11:33,400 Boo. 171 00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:34,818 You're on. 172 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,736 (LAUGHlNG) 173 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,531 (FANS CLAMORlNG) 174 00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:42,617 Hey, guys, how you doing? Here you go. One for you. One for you. 175 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,160 -Mr. Campbell? Mr. Campbell? -Yeah. 176 00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,830 When you were in Army of Darkness, when you were stuck down in the pit, 177 00:11:46,914 --> 00:11:48,164 how did you get your shotgun back? 178 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,666 Talk to the writer, man, l don't know. 179 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,459 Hey, when you worked with Ellen, did it turn you gay? 180 00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:53,044 No, but your stupid question did. 181 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,671 Why did you do Serving Sara? 182 00:11:54,714 --> 00:12:00,009 Why did l do Serving Sara? For the money, mouth breather, why else? 183 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,804 For the love of God, what is that stench? 184 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,517 Here, it's called deodorant. Look it up on your lnternets. 185 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,228 See you, boys. Late for a soirée. 186 00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:12,355 -Hey, Mr. Campbell? -Yeah. 187 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,315 Give me your autograph. 188 00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:19,195 -Got a pen? -Why, you ain't got no pen? 189 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,784 -What's your name? -Gerard. 190 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:26,870 Okay. 191 00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:29,539 Here you go, Gerard. Have a good one, buddy. 192 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,792 Yeah, hey, hey, hey. That's Gerard with a "G." 193 00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:39,799 Here you go, Gerard. Have a good one, buddy. 194 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:45,054 Yeah, hey, Mr. Campbell, come on. You got a more recent picture than this? 195 00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,389 Let me ask you something. 196 00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,099 -Ever see Rawhide? -Yeah. 197 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:49,517 -You like it? -Yeah. 198 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,895 Well, then you know you gotta keep them doggies rolling. 199 00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,271 Hey! 200 00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:54,355 (CARS HONKlNG) 201 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,440 Freak. 202 00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:56,858 (CRASHlNG) 203 00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:20,673 (MEN LAUGHlNG) 204 00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:23,134 MAN: Nice rack. 205 00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:26,721 MAN 2: All right! 206 00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:27,764 (WHlSTLlNG) 207 00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:28,890 (GLASS BREAKlNG) 208 00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:30,558 MAN 3: Yeah, baby! 209 00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:36,773 Yo, baby cakes, how about a bourbon with a loaded revolver back? 210 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,359 How about you wait your turn, jerk? 211 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:45,281 There's more where that came from. Okay. All right. That's it. 212 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,283 Good girl. 213 00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,873 You. You, give me some sugar, baby. You. 214 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,376 Okay. 215 00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:57,877 Huh? 216 00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,964 -How you doing? -Good. Good. 217 00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,423 -Hey, good news. -Yeah? 218 00:14:02,466 --> 00:14:04,801 Yeah, l made the trades today. 219 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,427 -Really? -Yeah, check the obituaries. 220 00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,847 You'll find my career there. 221 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,474 You know, Bruce, l just talked to the studio. 222 00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:15,353 They saw the dailies for Cave AIien 2. They said you have never been better. 223 00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:17,897 Yeah, that's because unlike most action stars, 224 00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,984 l can speak... What's the word? English. 225 00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:23,194 -Will that be cash? -Oh, yeah, that'll be cash, all right. 226 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:26,114 My friend and agent, Mr. Mills Toddner, here will take care of that. 227 00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:28,658 That's perfect. You keep the change. Don't be a stranger. 228 00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:31,494 -Sure, it's a special occasion. -Yeah, it's a special occasion. 229 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,997 lt's the night l fire your polyester ass. 230 00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:37,166 Bruce, l'm sensing a little hostility coming this way. 231 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,002 Yeah? You think so? Maybe that's because l've spent 232 00:14:39,086 --> 00:14:43,464 the last six days of my life making a sequel to one of the crappiest movies ever. 233 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,884 -You make lots of crappy movies. -Oh, that doesn't help. 234 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,677 Liquor! Liquor, please! 235 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,847 Look, the customer reviews on Amazon were great. 236 00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:53,683 Yeah, the ones you posted. 237 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:57,520 BC, l sense that you wanna unload. 238 00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:01,107 l sense that you have a lot on your mind. 239 00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:03,860 So, l'm here. Give it to me. 240 00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:06,362 lt's just that l think that... 241 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,655 (PHONE RlNGlNG) 242 00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:10,033 Excuse me. Gotta take this. 243 00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:14,078 (SPEAKlNG FRENCH) 244 00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,712 Go on. l'm sorry. 245 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:28,009 lt's just that l think l'm losing my muse. Do you know what l mean? 246 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:32,388 The childlike, innocent quality that all great artists tap to create. 247 00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:37,226 Now, if an actor's life is like a painting, then it's a work in progress. 248 00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:41,689 But how can l create my great masterpiece if my paint is drying up, 249 00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:42,982 my canvas is cracked 250 00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:46,361 and all my brushes are covered with a fake monster blood? 251 00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,737 -lt's Cheryl, isn't it? -No. 252 00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,072 -lt's Cheryl. -l said no. 253 00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:51,115 -You can't stop thinking about her. -lf l say no three times, 254 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,450 will the Candyman come out? 255 00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,911 You were fired before, you're twice as fired now. 256 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:58,581 Okay, you'll never know what l got you for your birthday. 257 00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,042 My birthday? 258 00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:03,962 You actually remembered my birthday? 259 00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:07,215 Compadre, hello. Loco. 260 00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:11,719 l am your agent. You are my number one client. 261 00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:15,765 -lf this is another Matthew Perry movie... -Better. 262 00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:17,850 -Give me a hint. -But you fired me so... 263 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,269 God damn it, Mills! Just tell me. 264 00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:22,438 Okay. 265 00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:27,860 Let's just say this is gonna be the best birthday present you've ever had. 266 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,112 -Nice. -You're crazy. 267 00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:30,780 -No, you are. -We're celebrating. 268 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,532 l love you, man. How about it? 269 00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:33,741 (PHONE RlNGlNG) 270 00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,201 Excuse me. l gotta take this. Sorry. 271 00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:36,452 Hello? 272 00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:40,081 (SPEAKlNG GERMAN) 273 00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:42,250 Movie. Movie, movie. 274 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,131 (BlRD CAWlNG) 275 00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:56,764 This bean curd's kind of watery and gross. 276 00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,808 Well, you did get the winning goal, didn't you? 277 00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:01,310 -Yeah. -Finish your bean curd. 278 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,979 lt's still gross. 279 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:11,362 -What was that, Mom? -l'm not sure, Skippy. You stay here. 280 00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:37,388 Must die! 281 00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:42,810 (EXCLAlMlNG) 282 00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:49,942 Sorry. 283 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,086 BRUCE: l don't know why l'm complaining. 284 00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:10,421 (LAUGHlNG) l'm a lucky guy. 285 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,090 l've got my health. 286 00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:13,216 (HACKlNG) 287 00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,342 (SPlTS) 288 00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:16,052 Jesus! 289 00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:18,054 My divorce is final. 290 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,056 Lousy whore. 291 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:24,393 And l got my loyal fans, who hated my last movie. 292 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,146 Hated my last five movies. Yeah. 293 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:30,858 Me and my wonderful, wonderful fans. 294 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,028 (PANTlNG) 295 00:18:39,159 --> 00:18:40,326 (MUTTERlNG) 296 00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,078 (KEYS JlNGLlNG) 297 00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,088 (DOOR CREAKlNG) 298 00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,257 (EXCLAlMlNG) 299 00:18:59,596 --> 00:19:01,472 That was easy. 300 00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:11,357 Hey, buddy. 301 00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:13,568 Hey, little Sam'nRob. 302 00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,945 Come here, boy. Come on. 303 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,113 (WHlNlNG) 304 00:19:17,197 --> 00:19:18,906 What's the matter? 305 00:19:19,074 --> 00:19:21,033 (LAUGHlNG) 306 00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:23,828 You thought l forgot about you, didn't you, huh? 307 00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:26,247 Time for some hooch. Come on! 308 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:27,957 Hooch for the pooch. 309 00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:29,458 (LAUGHlNG) 310 00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:35,464 There you go. And some for Dad. 311 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,216 (LAUGHlNG) 312 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,053 (GROANS) 313 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,140 What's on the boob tube? 314 00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:48,936 (TНEME MUSlC PLAYlNG) 315 00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:54,525 FEMALE NARRATOR: And now part nine of an ongoing, exclusive, investigative series. 316 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,611 Oh, who wants to watch that horseshit? 317 00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:58,654 Next, we take a scary look 318 00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:02,575 at the life and times of B-movie horror star Bruce Campbell. 319 00:20:02,659 --> 00:20:04,493 Hey, l know that guy. 320 00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:07,830 Yeah, that's entertainment. l'll drink to that. 321 00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:11,709 Campbell, best known for his parts in the horrific Evil Dead films, 322 00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:14,503 appears to have disappeared from the entertainment scene. 323 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,340 What? 324 00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:21,052 Tonight, our "Where Are They Now" reporter, Charlie Payne, 325 00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:22,762 takes an affectionate look back 326 00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:27,516 on a promising career that many feel was squandered on low-budget trash. 327 00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,352 You shut your face. 328 00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:30,645 (GLASS SHATTERlNG) 329 00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:37,193 They're treating me like l'm a has-been! 330 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,908 Like l'm... Like l'm all washed up. 331 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,918 They're trying to make me look pathetic. Yeah, they are. Not me. 332 00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:57,380 Not me! 333 00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,924 (BRUCE LAUGHlNG MANlACALLY) 334 00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:08,516 (CHUCKLlNG) 335 00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:10,101 (LAUGHlNG) 336 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,352 (PHONE RlNGlNG) 337 00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:12,770 CHERYL: Oh, God. 338 00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:21,195 -Hello? -(SLURRlNG) Hello, Cheryl. lt's me. 339 00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:22,905 (GROANS) 340 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:28,119 -Bruce, what now? -Oh, l was just, you know, 341 00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:31,122 celebrating the almost wrap of my latest movie. 342 00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:34,166 You know, just one more day. 343 00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:36,252 You got into the dog's bowl again, didn't you? 344 00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:37,336 (DOG BARKlNG) 345 00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,171 Shut up, you selfish mutt! 346 00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:40,506 (GROWLlNG) 347 00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:42,591 lt's your birthday, isn't it? 348 00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:46,554 Every year, it's the same old "poor me" routine. 349 00:21:46,596 --> 00:21:50,433 Oh, come on, can't a guy get bombed and call his ex-wife at 3:00 in the morning 350 00:21:50,475 --> 00:21:52,768 without it meaning something? 351 00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,938 Bruce, l talked to Mills today. 352 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:58,941 Yeah? What did old "Ten Percent" have to say? 353 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:01,277 Oh, just that you were depressed. 354 00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:02,445 (SCOFFS) 355 00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:05,406 So he's planning something special for your birthday. 356 00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:08,242 Yeah? Did he say what? 357 00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:09,910 No, no. lt's a surprise. 358 00:22:09,953 --> 00:22:14,498 (WHlNlNG) Oh, come on, Cheryl. Tell me. Tell me, please, please, Cheryl. 359 00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:17,460 -l'm hanging up. -No, no, no, don't. Don't, baby! 360 00:22:18,378 --> 00:22:19,754 I'm sorry. 361 00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:23,132 How did things get so messed up between us? 362 00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:24,300 Oh... 363 00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:27,011 You slept with the dog sitter, Bruce. 364 00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:29,180 One lousy mistake. 365 00:22:29,264 --> 00:22:32,350 -All of them. -Okay, 1 2 lousy mistakes. 366 00:22:32,434 --> 00:22:36,520 But come on, baby. l was confused then. l'm fine now. 367 00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:39,607 God, l miss you and the kids. 368 00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:42,485 What kids? 369 00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:45,363 The ones we would have had if you'd just hung on! 370 00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:47,823 You wanna know the truth about us, Bruce? 371 00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:50,826 lt wasn't the cheating, or the boozing, 372 00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:54,246 or even the endless whining that killed our marriage. 373 00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:55,956 You just couldn't commit, 374 00:22:55,999 --> 00:23:00,336 to your career, to our relationship, to much of anything. 375 00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:03,964 So, the cheating, boozing and endless whining were okay? 376 00:23:04,007 --> 00:23:05,299 (CHERYL HANGlNG UP) 377 00:23:05,342 --> 00:23:07,009 (LAUGHlNG) 378 00:23:07,094 --> 00:23:08,177 (EXCLAlMS) 379 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,848 -Who was that, baby? -Oh, nobody. 380 00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:18,687 Come on, Millsy, introduce me to big Jim one more time. 381 00:23:18,730 --> 00:23:21,065 l already set up the meeting. 382 00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:22,733 (BOTH LAUGHlNG) 383 00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:25,528 Let me make a call. 384 00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:26,987 (BOTH LAUGHlNG) 385 00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:40,000 What could you possibly want at 4:30 in the morning? 386 00:23:40,043 --> 00:23:43,504 -Mr. Campbell, we need your help. -l need my sleep. 387 00:23:43,547 --> 00:23:46,841 Sir, Gold Lick needs you. 388 00:23:46,883 --> 00:23:49,885 A group of teenagers unwittingly unleashed Guan-Di, 389 00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,888 the Chinese god of war and protector of the dead. 390 00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:56,058 And unless you help us stop him, he will kill every one of us. 391 00:23:56,143 --> 00:23:59,520 Okay, settle down. l'm gonna give you some advice, okay? 392 00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,481 Keep it under a-million-and-half, get one name actor, 393 00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:05,734 and if you go straight to DVD, you might break even. 394 00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:08,028 -Now, fuck off! -Mr. Campbell! 395 00:24:08,572 --> 00:24:12,283 (LAUGHlNG) Oh, man, l've heard some lame pitches in my day, 396 00:24:12,367 --> 00:24:14,201 but that takes the cake. 397 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:15,744 (BANGlNG ON DOOR) 398 00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:19,248 l said get lost, you little... 399 00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:25,379 Huh. A quarter. 400 00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:34,096 (BOTH SlNGlNG) 401 00:25:23,772 --> 00:25:26,232 (CAR RUNNlNG) 402 00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:29,818 (GROANlNG) 403 00:25:33,073 --> 00:25:34,615 What the hell? 404 00:25:35,659 --> 00:25:38,702 Hey! Hey, let me out of here! 405 00:25:39,162 --> 00:25:41,288 JEFF: Mr. Campbell, are you okay? 406 00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:44,875 -Who... Who are you? -This is Jeff. 407 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:48,212 Look, l'm sorry about the whole baseball bat thing. 408 00:25:49,464 --> 00:25:52,132 Look, l left some Twinkies back there. 409 00:25:54,135 --> 00:25:57,012 And there's a flashlight next to the spare. 410 00:25:57,973 --> 00:26:02,268 Oh, l also left an empty bottle back there, if you need to, you know... 411 00:26:04,187 --> 00:26:07,940 Look, Mr. Campbell, l know you're probably tired and sore, 412 00:26:08,024 --> 00:26:10,526 and suffering from a concussion, 413 00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:14,113 but is it true you're making a sequel to Cave Alien? 414 00:26:14,197 --> 00:26:17,116 Oh, my God. He's a fan. 415 00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:20,953 lt finally happened. 416 00:26:21,037 --> 00:26:23,247 Help! Help! 417 00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:28,711 Oh, for God's sake, kid, at least go easy on the bumps! 418 00:26:28,795 --> 00:26:31,088 l'm sorry, Mr. Campbell, l'll do my best. 419 00:26:31,172 --> 00:26:33,048 (BRUCE GROANlNG) 420 00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,186 (LAUGHS) 421 00:26:47,897 --> 00:26:50,816 -Gin. -Dang it. 422 00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:52,234 That's three in a row, Edna. 423 00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:53,652 (ROARlNG) 424 00:26:53,737 --> 00:26:56,614 -What was that, Hank? -l don't know. 425 00:26:57,574 --> 00:26:59,575 Sounded like something out by the barn. 426 00:26:59,659 --> 00:27:00,826 (THUNDER CRASHlNG) 427 00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:01,910 (GASPlNG) 428 00:27:06,082 --> 00:27:07,791 (ELECTRlClTY BUZZlNG) 429 00:27:11,713 --> 00:27:13,547 You close that door. You lock it. 430 00:27:13,590 --> 00:27:15,591 But, Hank, what if you need to come back in? 431 00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:19,637 You just close that door, and don't open it, no matter what you hear! 432 00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:29,897 (GUN FlRlNG) 433 00:27:29,981 --> 00:27:32,107 (SCREAMlNG) Oh, Lord! Lord! 434 00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:36,820 Open the door! Open the door, Edna! 435 00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:39,615 But, Hank, you said don't open the door! 436 00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:42,117 For Christ's sake, woman, we've been married for 35 years! 437 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,328 Open the goddamn door! 438 00:27:45,955 --> 00:27:47,790 (LAUGHlNG) Got you! 439 00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:50,334 There weren't nothing out there. l was just funning with you. 440 00:27:50,418 --> 00:27:54,505 You old fool, l can't believe you got me like that. 441 00:27:54,589 --> 00:27:56,632 You should have seen the look on your face. 442 00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:58,092 (LAUGHlNG) 443 00:28:02,138 --> 00:28:06,517 (SCREAMlNG) 444 00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:11,814 "Hey, Luigi, paint the sign." 445 00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:14,817 l tell you something, you paint the damn sign. 446 00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:16,568 (SlGHlNG) But l do. 447 00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:23,117 Hmm. 448 00:28:35,672 --> 00:28:37,923 l paint a beauty sign. 449 00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:48,016 (PEOPLE CHEERlNG) 450 00:29:02,615 --> 00:29:04,616 (ALL CHEERlNG) 451 00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:15,544 ALL: Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! 452 00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:17,963 Welcome to Gold Lick, Mr. Campbell! 453 00:29:18,882 --> 00:29:22,301 -Gold Lick? Where the fuck is Gold Lick? -Hey, easy, man. That's the mayor. 454 00:29:22,385 --> 00:29:24,720 l don't give a shit if he's the king of kiss-my-assy. 455 00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:29,391 l just spent the last six hours in a trunk and l want some answers chop-chop, and l... 456 00:29:36,357 --> 00:29:37,941 Well, hello. 457 00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:41,028 (CHUCKLES) 458 00:29:41,988 --> 00:29:45,908 Consider yourself officially exempt from my wrath, sweet cakes. 459 00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:49,578 And if you're lucky, a little later, l'll let you play with my boom stick. 460 00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:51,246 What? 461 00:29:51,289 --> 00:29:56,794 (CHUCKLlNG) Now, l don't imagine you get moving pictures here in this farthole, 462 00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:58,921 so let me explain something. 463 00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:00,798 What you just did, 464 00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:04,092 you just kidnapped a movie star, you got that? 465 00:30:04,177 --> 00:30:06,762 So you didn't just commit a crime against me, 466 00:30:06,846 --> 00:30:09,014 which was pretty freaking huge! 467 00:30:09,098 --> 00:30:12,059 You committed a crime against art itself. 468 00:30:12,101 --> 00:30:16,980 ln fact, l was due back on the set of my latest motion picture hours ago, 469 00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:18,982 and you can bet your bottom dollar 470 00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:22,194 they're gonna be doing everything they can to get me back. 471 00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:25,280 What are we waiting for? 472 00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:29,368 A-hole Campbell didn't show up. On to plan B, my friend. 473 00:30:29,452 --> 00:30:30,577 (BELL RlNGlNG) 474 00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:33,247 Okay, people, big energy. Let's go! 475 00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:34,540 DlRECTOR: Action! 476 00:30:38,044 --> 00:30:39,795 That's good. 477 00:30:40,463 --> 00:30:42,214 (CREATURE ROARlNG) 478 00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:46,593 So as much as l'd love to hang around here 479 00:30:46,636 --> 00:30:49,972 until the FBl rips you grit-eaters a new one... 480 00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:54,226 Mr. Campbell, l don't understand. Your agent said you were free. 481 00:30:54,310 --> 00:30:56,353 What does my agent have to do with any of this? 482 00:30:56,437 --> 00:31:00,649 Well, he just said not to book you on your birthday, or something like that. 483 00:31:00,733 --> 00:31:02,150 My birthday? 484 00:31:05,738 --> 00:31:07,155 My birthday. 485 00:31:08,783 --> 00:31:10,242 (LAUGHlNG) 486 00:31:10,785 --> 00:31:12,369 My birthday, that's it. 487 00:31:12,453 --> 00:31:14,413 Mills, you magnificent bastard. 488 00:31:14,497 --> 00:31:18,625 When you said there was a surprise in store, holy moley... 489 00:31:18,668 --> 00:31:20,168 That's a great tie, by the way. 490 00:31:20,211 --> 00:31:21,461 (LAUGHlNG) 491 00:31:21,504 --> 00:31:24,172 l gotta make a phone call. l'll be right back. 492 00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:25,841 Don't do anything quaint until l return. 493 00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:27,092 (BRUCE LAUGHlNG) 494 00:31:27,176 --> 00:31:28,510 (ALL CHATTERlNG) 495 00:31:33,808 --> 00:31:35,392 (DlALlNG) 496 00:31:35,476 --> 00:31:36,560 (PHONE RlNGlNG) 497 00:31:36,644 --> 00:31:39,688 -SECRETARY: Mills Toddner's office. -Yes, Mills Toddner, please. 498 00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:42,190 -Who's calling? -Bruce Campbell. 499 00:31:42,275 --> 00:31:44,443 -Who? -Bruce Campbell. 500 00:31:44,527 --> 00:31:47,404 -He's not here. Voicemail okay? -Yeah, voicemail is fine. 501 00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:50,782 -MlLLS: (RECORDlNG) Mills, thrill me. -Mills, listen, Campbell here. 502 00:31:50,867 --> 00:31:52,242 l gotta tell you, pal, 503 00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:53,619 this is, without a doubt, 504 00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:56,121 the most outrageous birthday present l've ever gotten. 505 00:31:56,205 --> 00:31:57,706 So thanks, man. 506 00:31:57,790 --> 00:32:01,919 You're beautiful, and that whole firing thing, what are you, crazy? lt's a joke, come on. 507 00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:04,755 (LAUGHlNG) 508 00:32:05,214 --> 00:32:07,758 Now, l know you guys probably can't break character, 509 00:32:07,842 --> 00:32:09,635 but l gotta tell you, 510 00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:12,804 man, you really had me going. You really did. 511 00:32:12,889 --> 00:32:15,140 -l don't understand. -Well, for a minute there, 512 00:32:15,224 --> 00:32:17,392 l thought l was in the sequel of DeIiverance, you know, 513 00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:19,686 and someone was about to say, "Squeal like a pig, boy." 514 00:32:19,729 --> 00:32:20,938 (BRUCE LAUGHlNG) 515 00:32:22,565 --> 00:32:25,567 Yes, there's no reason beating around the bush, 516 00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:28,028 and l realize this is rather unorthodox but... 517 00:32:28,071 --> 00:32:31,448 Say no more, Mr. Mayor. My hero senses are tingling. 518 00:32:32,116 --> 00:32:33,825 (HUMMlNG) 519 00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:37,079 l sense that the town of Gold Lick is in trouble. 520 00:32:37,163 --> 00:32:40,415 Huh? Big trouble and you need my help. 521 00:32:40,541 --> 00:32:41,708 Hmm? 522 00:32:41,751 --> 00:32:43,961 Do you? You need my help, Mr. Mayor? 523 00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:45,253 -Yes or no? -That's exactly right. 524 00:32:45,338 --> 00:32:47,506 How about that? Put the words right in your mouth, didn't l? 525 00:32:47,590 --> 00:32:50,092 But not just any help, huh? 526 00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:52,427 You need someone special, 527 00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:54,930 someone who can take on a heinous monster 528 00:32:55,014 --> 00:32:58,767 and stop him in his tracks and take him to justice. 529 00:32:58,851 --> 00:33:00,435 That would be me. Whoa! 530 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:01,853 (LAUGHlNG) 531 00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:05,107 Mr. Mayor, your worries are over 532 00:33:05,149 --> 00:33:08,860 'cause there's a new sheriff in town and he's gonna clean up this mess. 533 00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:12,406 Gold Lick, it's a good day. l'm here to help! 534 00:33:12,448 --> 00:33:14,449 Let's hear it for Mr. Bruce Campbell. 535 00:33:14,534 --> 00:33:19,538 ALL: Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! 536 00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:22,791 Now, it's just another day in the life of a hero. 537 00:33:23,418 --> 00:33:26,628 Mr. Mayor, tell us what's next. 538 00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:30,257 We'd like to show you exactly what you're up against. 539 00:33:40,685 --> 00:33:41,935 (FEEDBACK) 540 00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:45,647 (PEOPLE CHATTERlNG) 541 00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:05,250 Leather, red leather, yellow leather, red, yellow, red leather, yellow leather. 542 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:08,962 MAN: Ow! 543 00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:11,381 -My foot! -Pardon me there, Gomer Pyle. 544 00:34:11,466 --> 00:34:13,925 -Jesus! -Oh, excuse me, Goober. 545 00:34:14,010 --> 00:34:15,177 (LAUGHS) 546 00:34:16,137 --> 00:34:18,388 Boy, this is exciting, huh? 547 00:34:18,473 --> 00:34:21,099 -Think they'll give me the key to the city? -l doubt it. 548 00:34:21,184 --> 00:34:22,893 How about the key to your place? 549 00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:26,188 l'm sorry, we haven't met. l'm Kelly Graham. 550 00:34:26,230 --> 00:34:29,649 Graham? Well, l'll bet all the boys go cracker over you. 551 00:34:29,692 --> 00:34:30,734 (BOTH LAUGHlNG) 552 00:34:30,818 --> 00:34:33,361 That was funny when l was six. 553 00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:36,031 Well, l was six once. Hey, we already have something in common. 554 00:34:36,115 --> 00:34:37,240 (CHUCKLES) 555 00:34:37,992 --> 00:34:42,204 Oh, heck. l'm... l'm Bruce. Bruce Campbell. 556 00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:46,124 Yes, l'm well aware of that. Jeff's been bragging about you for years. 557 00:34:46,209 --> 00:34:47,334 Ah... 558 00:34:47,376 --> 00:34:50,629 -Uber fan's connected to you, huh? -(CHUCKLlNG) l'm afraid so. 559 00:34:51,297 --> 00:34:54,674 -Younger brother? -(CHUCKLlNG) Son. 560 00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,637 -Young mother. -lt's a country thing. 561 00:34:58,721 --> 00:35:00,180 Oh, hey, a MlLF is a MlLF. 562 00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:01,473 (LAUGHlNG) 563 00:35:02,725 --> 00:35:04,851 But l don't see a wedding ring. 564 00:35:04,894 --> 00:35:07,145 Are you married or happy, Kelly Graham? 565 00:35:07,230 --> 00:35:10,107 l'm not sure l'm comfortable answering that. 566 00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:12,567 Mr. Campbell, if you're ready. 567 00:35:12,610 --> 00:35:16,029 Yeah, knock yourself out, chief. Showtime, huh? 568 00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:18,824 Mr. Treppin, let's start the slide show. 569 00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,498 As we all know, Gold Lick is a mining community. 570 00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:31,253 ln the late 1 850s, 571 00:35:31,295 --> 00:35:35,674 hundreds of Chinese immigrants came to our shores to help work the claims. 572 00:35:35,758 --> 00:35:37,050 (SNORlNG) 573 00:35:41,180 --> 00:35:43,765 At her height, the Triple-T mine 574 00:35:43,850 --> 00:35:46,768 employed hundreds of Chinese immigrant laborers. 575 00:35:46,811 --> 00:35:50,105 They worked long hours, in primitive conditions, 576 00:35:50,148 --> 00:35:52,983 surviving on rice and bean curd. 577 00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:54,609 (BLOWS) 578 00:35:54,735 --> 00:35:55,735 Oh! 579 00:35:56,070 --> 00:35:57,612 (LAUGHlNG) 580 00:36:11,586 --> 00:36:13,795 Then disaster struck. 581 00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:15,046 You want disaster? 582 00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:17,132 Anyone here seen AssauIt on Dome 4? 583 00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:19,301 -That's probably my favorite movie... -Don't answer that. 584 00:36:19,343 --> 00:36:21,136 A mine shaft cave-in. 585 00:36:21,804 --> 00:36:27,142 Over a hundred Chinese were buried alive and remain there today. 586 00:36:28,102 --> 00:36:31,479 Gold Lick has never been the same since. 587 00:36:32,857 --> 00:36:35,358 That guy's pretty good. Did he come from dinner theater? 588 00:36:35,443 --> 00:36:36,860 No, lowa. 589 00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:41,239 You know, they go to all that trouble to kidnap somebody, 590 00:36:41,324 --> 00:36:44,951 l'd have kidnapped that Jake character from Evil Dead II. 591 00:36:44,994 --> 00:36:47,412 My money'd bet on that blacksmith from Army of Darkness. 592 00:36:47,496 --> 00:36:50,165 -Now, that's one stud. -(CHUCKLlNG) Damn straight. 593 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:54,920 l wish l could quit you. 594 00:36:55,546 --> 00:36:59,007 Soon after, rumors began to spread of a curse. 595 00:37:01,093 --> 00:37:04,304 Okay. When did my ex-wife start modeling? 596 00:37:04,347 --> 00:37:06,181 Mom, that's it. That's the thing. 597 00:37:06,224 --> 00:37:09,643 MAYOR: Legend has it that a Chinese demon was summoned 598 00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:12,979 to protect the spirits of all those who had died. 599 00:37:13,522 --> 00:37:15,649 (STRANGE MOANlNG) 600 00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:17,359 Mom. 601 00:37:18,653 --> 00:37:20,362 (WOMAN SCREAMlNG) 602 00:37:20,738 --> 00:37:22,739 (ROARlNG) 603 00:37:23,324 --> 00:37:24,866 A warning. 604 00:37:25,451 --> 00:37:28,203 He who would confront Guan-Di, 605 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:32,832 would also confront death itself. 606 00:37:33,709 --> 00:37:37,045 -Well, hello, Mr. Plaitpoint. -His name is Wing. 607 00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:41,049 He's one of the last surviving descendents of the dead laborers. 608 00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:45,095 Guan-Di has been unleashed from his grave. 609 00:37:45,888 --> 00:37:48,765 (MOCKlNG CHlNESE ACCENT) l'm sorry, was that "unreashed"? 610 00:37:48,849 --> 00:37:50,600 Unleashed, unleashed. 611 00:37:50,685 --> 00:37:53,561 What's the matter? Don't you speak English? 612 00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:58,358 Guan-Di, great warrior. Guan-Di, protector of dead, 613 00:37:58,401 --> 00:38:03,238 savior of the innocent and the bean curd. 614 00:38:04,156 --> 00:38:05,865 Bean curd? What... 615 00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:10,078 Bean curd's a popular Chinese dish. You... 616 00:38:10,121 --> 00:38:13,081 You chatter like monkey. 617 00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:15,709 l call you Chattering Monkey. 618 00:38:15,751 --> 00:38:19,754 (CHATTERlNG) 619 00:38:22,383 --> 00:38:24,634 His grave has been disturbed. 620 00:38:25,219 --> 00:38:28,263 And Guan-Di will not stop until every last relative 621 00:38:28,347 --> 00:38:32,559 of the one who did this lay rotting in the earth. 622 00:38:32,601 --> 00:38:36,104 Well, hell, what could be so bad about that? 623 00:38:36,188 --> 00:38:38,940 Okay, blood relatives, raise your hand. 624 00:38:40,484 --> 00:38:43,653 Guan-Di knows that you and l are not related, right? 625 00:38:44,572 --> 00:38:47,282 l shall do an ancient Chinese dance, 626 00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:50,869 which will rid you all of the curse of Guan-Di. 627 00:38:53,205 --> 00:38:58,793 (SlNGlNG lN MOCK CHlNESE) 628 00:39:00,838 --> 00:39:03,298 Has he been dispelled? No? 629 00:39:03,382 --> 00:39:05,759 Okay, you're all going to die. 630 00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:07,761 But know this, 631 00:39:07,803 --> 00:39:11,765 Guan-Di grows stronger with every person he kills, 632 00:39:11,807 --> 00:39:16,478 until all of you will die! 633 00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:19,647 (PEOPLE CHATTERlNG) 634 00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:23,943 Will die! 635 00:39:27,907 --> 00:39:29,491 (ALL CHATTERlNG) 636 00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:31,910 He's gone! 637 00:39:33,496 --> 00:39:35,997 No, no. Actually, he's... He's right... 638 00:39:37,666 --> 00:39:41,711 Well, folks, it looks like the presentation is over. 639 00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:46,758 Just be careful on your way home, and look out for your neighbors. 640 00:39:48,677 --> 00:39:50,553 Boy, that was exciting. 641 00:39:53,349 --> 00:39:57,268 As you can see, Mr. Campbell, the future of Gold Lick rests in your hands. 642 00:39:57,353 --> 00:39:59,187 We sure appreciate you being here. 643 00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:01,940 We were thinking you might want to freshen up and get a bite to eat 644 00:40:02,024 --> 00:40:03,441 before you lead us into battle. 645 00:40:03,526 --> 00:40:05,318 Mr. Mayor, that's a good idea. 646 00:40:05,361 --> 00:40:09,072 'Cause l always freshen up before l go into battle and kill monsters. 647 00:40:09,156 --> 00:40:13,201 -You don't want to leave a bad impression. -Lordy, you're good people. 648 00:40:13,953 --> 00:40:15,412 (WHlSPERlNG) 649 00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:19,207 You're welcome to wash up at my tavern. 650 00:40:19,250 --> 00:40:22,585 Well, that's good 'cause, as you can see, l'm a dirty little boy. 651 00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:25,463 Oh, oh, yeah, and l've got a nice little place upstairs. 652 00:40:25,548 --> 00:40:28,133 You can wait there until dinner and no one will hassle you or anything. 653 00:40:28,217 --> 00:40:31,052 Well, Jeff, if you insist. 654 00:41:20,769 --> 00:41:23,480 l'd say the only thing missing is the stool sample. 655 00:41:23,564 --> 00:41:27,025 -Yeah, l guess l am kind of a fan. -Yeah, do you think? 656 00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:33,740 -That's not familiar. -Hey, hey. That's personal. 657 00:41:33,782 --> 00:41:37,577 Look, Mr. Campbell, l fixed you up a room back here. 658 00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:41,080 l gave you some fresh towels and clothes and... 659 00:41:41,123 --> 00:41:44,083 Look, l know this is a big imposition for you so 660 00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:47,921 whatever l can do to make feel you at home, just let me know, okay? 661 00:41:50,132 --> 00:41:54,636 First of all, kid, Mr. Campbell makes soup. My name is Bruce. 662 00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:56,471 Secondly, you wanna get on my good side, 663 00:41:56,555 --> 00:41:59,641 you'll dig up a bar of soap and a bottle of Jack, 664 00:41:59,725 --> 00:42:01,059 and not in that order. 665 00:42:01,143 --> 00:42:02,727 (TOlLET FLUSHlNG) 666 00:42:03,395 --> 00:42:06,314 Nothing like a shower to wash the blues away. 667 00:42:10,319 --> 00:42:13,655 Jeff, where the heck did you find this EviI Dead shampoo? 668 00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:16,824 Bruce, that's drain cleaner. 669 00:42:16,909 --> 00:42:18,159 Oh... 670 00:42:18,202 --> 00:42:21,287 Maybe that would explain the burning sensation. 671 00:42:22,331 --> 00:42:23,456 (CHUCKLES) 672 00:42:23,832 --> 00:42:25,083 What? 673 00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:29,462 Well, it's just that you're going up against Guan-Di tonight 674 00:42:29,505 --> 00:42:32,006 and you're not even scared. 675 00:42:32,091 --> 00:42:34,884 (CHUCKLES) You don't know fear, kid. You never worked with Sam Raimi. 676 00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:39,305 You know, compared to most hell spawn, this Guan-Di cat's no biggie-mo. 677 00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:40,890 -Really? -Nah. 678 00:42:40,975 --> 00:42:42,684 You know, in the hero business, 679 00:42:42,726 --> 00:42:44,852 you only really have to remember two things. 680 00:42:44,979 --> 00:42:48,022 One, most monsters are just a guy in a rubber suit. 681 00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:51,150 Two, you can't fight a guy in a rubber suit on an empty stomach. 682 00:42:51,193 --> 00:42:54,362 So this particular hero needs some food and some drink. 683 00:42:56,407 --> 00:43:00,326 (PLAYlNG COUNTRY MUSlC) 684 00:43:06,667 --> 00:43:08,585 MAN: There's Bruce Campbell. 685 00:43:08,669 --> 00:43:10,920 (ALL CHEERlNG) 686 00:43:18,637 --> 00:43:19,887 (LAUGHlNG) 687 00:43:19,972 --> 00:43:23,308 -Pick your poison, Mr. Campbell. -Oh, l hardly ever touch the stuff. 688 00:43:23,392 --> 00:43:25,018 -lt's on the house. -Well, in that case, 689 00:43:25,060 --> 00:43:27,812 l'll take a slow screw against the wall and make it a double. 690 00:43:27,896 --> 00:43:29,606 Maybe this is all a big joke to you, 691 00:43:29,690 --> 00:43:31,232 but Jeff's talked the whole town into thinking 692 00:43:31,317 --> 00:43:33,359 you're gonna save us from this Guan-Di. 693 00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:34,652 Yeah, and? 694 00:43:34,737 --> 00:43:37,405 And as far as l can tell, you're pretty much full of shit. 695 00:43:37,489 --> 00:43:39,449 Sounds to me like you're wandering from the script, sister. 696 00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:41,826 Didn't you read the fine print? Never piss off the hero. 697 00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:43,911 Hey, hey, Kelly's been known to speak her mind. 698 00:43:43,996 --> 00:43:47,582 Sounds to me like she needs to be recast. She adlibs too much. 699 00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:49,917 Walk with me, Mr. Campbell. Walk, walk with me. 700 00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:52,378 You know, if l wanted to take shit from a bunch of bogus actors, 701 00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:54,088 l'd go back to LA. 702 00:43:54,173 --> 00:43:57,258 -Get that out of my face. -Sure, sure, l understand, Mr. Campbell. 703 00:43:57,343 --> 00:43:59,177 But you see, Kelly's been through a rough patch. 704 00:43:59,261 --> 00:44:02,263 Her whining, cheating, boozing husband left her and Jeff in the lurch, 705 00:44:02,306 --> 00:44:04,057 and she just hasn't been herself lately. 706 00:44:04,099 --> 00:44:05,099 Go ahead and have a seat. 707 00:44:06,101 --> 00:44:09,103 We're gonna treat you so many ways, you're bound to like one. 708 00:44:09,146 --> 00:44:10,897 And we appreciate you being here. 709 00:44:10,939 --> 00:44:13,399 Yeah, you could have spelled my name right. 710 00:44:19,448 --> 00:44:22,575 Hey, Kelly, like it or not, that man is our salvation. 711 00:44:22,618 --> 00:44:24,744 Good gravy, you've got to play ball. 712 00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:27,246 He's talking like he's crazy, like none of this is real. 713 00:44:27,289 --> 00:44:30,833 You know, great warriors are often on a different plane than you and l. 714 00:44:30,918 --> 00:44:32,502 Service, please. 715 00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:37,423 Eccentricity is often the brother to greatness. 716 00:44:37,466 --> 00:44:40,093 And obnoxiousness is often the brother of a black eye. 717 00:44:40,135 --> 00:44:42,470 Oh, l admit, he is bit of an odd duck, 718 00:44:42,554 --> 00:44:46,140 but hopefully, he'll be gone lickety-split and we can get back to our normal life. 719 00:44:46,183 --> 00:44:47,558 l just hope you're right. 720 00:44:47,643 --> 00:44:49,936 Could it possibly get worse? 721 00:44:49,978 --> 00:44:51,813 May l have another sarsaparilla? 722 00:44:55,526 --> 00:44:57,026 (GUAN-Dl MOANlNG) 723 00:45:07,329 --> 00:45:09,122 (COUNTRY MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RADlO) 724 00:45:09,581 --> 00:45:10,998 (HONKlNG) 725 00:45:12,668 --> 00:45:15,044 Ding, ding. Can you fill her up, buddy? 726 00:45:20,801 --> 00:45:23,344 Oh, for crying out loud. 727 00:45:26,306 --> 00:45:28,850 Hey, sometime today would be great. 728 00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:36,399 Hey, you old ball sack, l've been honking for you. 729 00:45:36,483 --> 00:45:38,067 l want some gas. 730 00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:45,867 Oh, l got you. 731 00:45:45,951 --> 00:45:49,036 You're still upset about your little sister, Wanda. 732 00:45:49,079 --> 00:45:53,666 Well, truth is, it was late, she was lonely, 733 00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:55,960 and l was using my wrong head. 734 00:45:57,045 --> 00:45:59,213 (SCREAMlNG) 735 00:46:04,178 --> 00:46:05,553 Jesus Christ. 736 00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:08,097 Please! 737 00:46:13,061 --> 00:46:15,646 (BAND PLAYlNG COUNTRY MUSlC) 738 00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:19,567 (SlGHS) 739 00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:20,860 (LAUGHlNG) 740 00:46:21,653 --> 00:46:23,571 Can't a guy get something to eat around here? 741 00:46:23,655 --> 00:46:25,031 (LAUGHS) 742 00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:30,787 Time for some dancing. 743 00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:36,751 (CLEARS THROAT) 744 00:46:37,586 --> 00:46:40,338 Ma'am, may l have this dance? 745 00:46:40,422 --> 00:46:42,882 -Do you believe in reincarnation? -Why? 746 00:46:42,925 --> 00:46:45,301 Because it's not gonna happen in this lifetime. 747 00:46:45,385 --> 00:46:48,846 Well, there's a cold wind blowing in Gold Lick tonight. 748 00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:49,931 (CLEARS THROAT) 749 00:46:51,350 --> 00:46:54,894 (STAMMERlNG) What's the matter? Can't you take a joke, Mr. Actor Boy? 750 00:46:56,396 --> 00:46:58,815 l'd love to dance with you. 751 00:46:59,942 --> 00:47:02,902 -Do you really mean that? -Like my life depended on it. 752 00:47:12,704 --> 00:47:14,914 Now, l've gotta warn you, l'm not a very good dancer. 753 00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:17,542 Oh, l'll bet all you country girls say the same thing. 754 00:47:17,626 --> 00:47:19,752 Come on, show me some stuff. 755 00:47:20,796 --> 00:47:22,046 (LAUGHlNG) 756 00:47:22,506 --> 00:47:23,798 Hey! 757 00:47:23,882 --> 00:47:25,007 Whoa! 758 00:47:25,133 --> 00:47:26,342 (SCREAMlNG) 759 00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:28,177 MAN: Hey! 760 00:47:33,475 --> 00:47:36,519 Why, you weren't kidding. You really suck. 761 00:47:36,603 --> 00:47:38,771 Oh, well, let's see how the city boy fares. 762 00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:41,566 All right. Yeah. Round we go! 763 00:47:43,193 --> 00:47:45,444 Watch us go! 764 00:47:49,408 --> 00:47:51,117 You all right, honey? 765 00:47:51,159 --> 00:47:53,995 l've heard of break dancing, but this is ridiculous. 766 00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:56,205 Oh, l hope you're a better actor than you are a dancer. 767 00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:58,040 Obviously, l have no idea what l'm doing. 768 00:47:58,125 --> 00:48:01,502 -Maybe we should try something together. -You better lead. 769 00:48:04,172 --> 00:48:06,966 BRUCE: Okay, now we're getting somewhere. 770 00:48:07,009 --> 00:48:09,302 Hey, everybody, we're dancing! 771 00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,057 (COUGHlNG) 772 00:48:15,851 --> 00:48:18,853 Hey, lady, 1 0 cents a ride, no exceptions. 773 00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:21,856 -Hey, what was that? -Nothing. 774 00:48:21,940 --> 00:48:25,484 Oh, no. Corners of your mouth turned up at the edges. 775 00:48:25,527 --> 00:48:27,653 There's an old lndian saying for that phenomena. 776 00:48:27,696 --> 00:48:29,572 (lMlTATlNG lNDlAN LANGUAGE) 777 00:48:29,865 --> 00:48:34,410 That's Cherokee for "She who smiles at one she no longer continues to hate." 778 00:48:34,494 --> 00:48:36,454 Oh, shut up and dance. 779 00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:46,505 Well, l don't know about you, but l could use some fresh air. 780 00:48:46,548 --> 00:48:49,759 -Oh, me, too, and just fresh air. -Of course. 781 00:48:51,261 --> 00:48:55,097 Even after everything that's happened, God, l love this place. 782 00:48:55,182 --> 00:48:58,726 Yeah, l grew up in a town just like it. Little Place in Michigan. 783 00:48:58,810 --> 00:49:00,478 -Ever hear of it? -Michigan? 784 00:49:00,562 --> 00:49:04,106 -No, Little Place, it's just north of Flint. -(CHUCKLlNG) Oh, sounds nice. 785 00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:06,525 l made my first movie there when l was still in high school. 786 00:49:06,568 --> 00:49:07,693 Really? 787 00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:10,029 Oh, we were young and naive, 788 00:49:10,072 --> 00:49:13,908 and we wanted to make a movie that represented our hopes and dreams. 789 00:49:13,992 --> 00:49:17,078 -What was it called? -Blade of the Skull Ripper. 790 00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:20,831 -That's when l got the acting bug. -Oh, you've come a long way since then. 791 00:49:20,916 --> 00:49:22,875 You haven't seen much of my recent stuff, l guess. 792 00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:25,753 Well, believe it or not, Jeff has shown me a couple. 793 00:49:25,837 --> 00:49:29,423 l don't know about the plots, but you're usually pretty good in them. 794 00:49:29,466 --> 00:49:33,427 -You really mean that? -l wouldn't say it if l didn't. 795 00:49:33,512 --> 00:49:36,180 Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you, Kelly Graham? 796 00:49:36,264 --> 00:49:38,265 Well, here's one for you. 797 00:49:39,518 --> 00:49:44,522 l actually think l'm a little shy. That's why l come on so strong. 798 00:49:44,606 --> 00:49:47,400 Oh, hey, l came on kind of strong myself. 799 00:49:49,444 --> 00:49:51,654 lt's not easy for me to... 800 00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:53,364 Yes? 801 00:49:54,992 --> 00:49:57,910 ...express my true feelings. 802 00:50:01,289 --> 00:50:03,416 You want to move that hand? 803 00:50:05,752 --> 00:50:06,836 (CHUCKLES) 804 00:50:07,879 --> 00:50:12,633 -Yeah, sorry about that. -Yeah, well, l'll let it slide, this time. 805 00:50:17,848 --> 00:50:19,181 (MAYOR COUGHlNG) 806 00:50:19,808 --> 00:50:21,392 Mr. Campbell. 807 00:50:21,476 --> 00:50:24,770 Sure, Mr. Mayor, of course. Just give me five minutes. 808 00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:25,855 lt's time. 809 00:50:25,939 --> 00:50:28,649 For the love of God, l can smell her ChapStick! 810 00:50:31,486 --> 00:50:34,113 l'm so gonna take a rain check. 811 00:50:34,156 --> 00:50:35,906 All right, come on. 812 00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:44,832 All right, small-town America, show me what you got. 813 00:50:44,875 --> 00:50:47,918 Well, no matter which way you wanna go, Mr. Campbell, 814 00:50:48,003 --> 00:50:50,421 -l think we got you covered. -All right. 815 00:50:50,505 --> 00:50:53,674 You might want to slip this little Beretta .22 in your pocket. 816 00:50:53,717 --> 00:50:57,011 lt's for that close range, last-minute desperation stuff. 817 00:50:57,054 --> 00:50:58,971 -What's your name? -Frank. 818 00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:01,390 Frank, nice gun, for a girl. 819 00:51:01,475 --> 00:51:04,310 -You want to step it up a bit, do you? -Hello. 820 00:51:05,854 --> 00:51:09,190 This .45 long-slide "Widow Maker." 821 00:51:09,858 --> 00:51:11,859 l think it'll be just right for you. 822 00:51:11,902 --> 00:51:13,861 Close, Frank, but no cigar. 823 00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:16,697 -Well, if it's accuracy you want... -Duh. 824 00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:20,159 That's a Marlin 336. 825 00:51:20,202 --> 00:51:23,537 Shoot a pig's eye out from 1 ,000 yards. 826 00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:25,581 And who wouldn't wanna do that? 827 00:51:25,665 --> 00:51:27,666 Frank, you're holding out on me. Come on. 828 00:51:27,709 --> 00:51:30,544 Well, then again, if you're taking out the Chinese god of war... 829 00:51:30,629 --> 00:51:32,379 And we are. 830 00:51:32,464 --> 00:51:36,717 ...wrap your hands around this Parker 1 2-gauge, double-barrel beauty. 831 00:51:36,843 --> 00:51:38,177 (PEOPLE SCREAMlNG) 832 00:51:39,471 --> 00:51:42,098 That's for people that don't call 91 1 . 833 00:51:42,182 --> 00:51:43,557 (LAUGHlNG) 834 00:51:43,600 --> 00:51:46,227 l think we get the idea, Frank, and thanks for that, 835 00:51:46,311 --> 00:51:49,563 but l'd be willing to wager that Mr. Campbell is more than capable of telling us 836 00:51:49,606 --> 00:51:52,399 which weapons should be used under the circumstances. 837 00:51:52,442 --> 00:51:55,945 -Of course. l'm sorry, Mr. Campbell. -That's okay. 838 00:51:56,029 --> 00:51:58,989 Go ahead, Mr. Campbell, tell us exactly what we need. 839 00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:04,954 Well, l... Don't you think Frank really said it all with the guns and everything? l... 840 00:52:05,038 --> 00:52:08,124 Of course, for personal protection, you may have never heard of this gun, 841 00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:14,046 (MUMBLlNG) but l always use a...permanent press. 842 00:52:14,756 --> 00:52:17,091 But l can see that you obviously don't have that gun here, 843 00:52:17,134 --> 00:52:21,595 so l'll just have to limp along with this .31 long-bow. 844 00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:22,972 .45 long-slide. 845 00:52:23,056 --> 00:52:27,101 Long-slide, like l said. So, come on, Gold Lick, get your guns. 846 00:52:27,185 --> 00:52:29,436 MAN: Give me a big one. FRANK: Take it easy. 847 00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:30,980 One at a time. 848 00:52:31,064 --> 00:52:33,732 -Bruce, can l show you something? -Sure. 849 00:52:33,775 --> 00:52:36,402 We got you covered. All right, look at us. 850 00:52:36,444 --> 00:52:38,028 My goodness me. 851 00:52:38,989 --> 00:52:43,742 -Now we can slide off to San Francisco. -And l'm riding shotgun. 852 00:52:46,621 --> 00:52:49,123 l thought you might wanna use this. 853 00:52:53,628 --> 00:52:55,588 l had it made special. 854 00:52:55,964 --> 00:52:59,884 Briggs & Stratton two-stroke, half-inch claw. 855 00:52:59,968 --> 00:53:03,846 -What do you think? -Wow, it's really something. 856 00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:07,057 You know, Jeff, 857 00:53:07,726 --> 00:53:11,020 l've gotten a lot of use out of chainsaws over the years, 858 00:53:11,104 --> 00:53:15,149 killed a lot of zombies, saved a lot of lives. 859 00:53:16,318 --> 00:53:19,737 But at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, 860 00:53:19,821 --> 00:53:21,405 they're just too damn heavy. 861 00:53:21,489 --> 00:53:24,909 So thanks just the same, kid. See you out there. 862 00:53:27,204 --> 00:53:30,039 -Yeah. -Don't be late. 863 00:53:31,041 --> 00:53:32,124 (DOOR CLOSES) 864 00:53:33,668 --> 00:53:34,668 (CAR STARTlNG) 865 00:53:34,836 --> 00:53:36,086 (PEOPLE CHEERlNG) 866 00:53:36,504 --> 00:53:38,005 BRUCE: All right. 867 00:53:38,089 --> 00:53:39,673 -You guys ready for some violence? -MAN: Yeah! 868 00:53:39,716 --> 00:53:41,675 That's right. All right. 869 00:53:41,718 --> 00:53:42,968 (CAR HONKlNG) 870 00:53:43,178 --> 00:53:45,763 -Sure you're ready for this, Bruce? -Kid, l made a movie in Bulgaria. 871 00:53:45,847 --> 00:53:49,683 l'm ready for anything. Put yourself on ice, sugar lips, 872 00:53:49,726 --> 00:53:51,518 because when l come back, l'm gonna lay claim 873 00:53:51,603 --> 00:53:53,979 to the prettiest pair of green eyes l've ever seen. 874 00:53:54,022 --> 00:53:55,731 MAN: Let's do this thing! 875 00:53:55,815 --> 00:53:57,274 Be careful. 876 00:53:58,109 --> 00:54:00,319 And my eyes are brown! 877 00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:01,695 Dumb shit. 878 00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:12,581 BRUCE: All right, folks, listen up. 879 00:54:12,666 --> 00:54:14,833 lt could get ugly out there tonight. 880 00:54:14,876 --> 00:54:16,627 Real ugly. 881 00:54:16,711 --> 00:54:20,214 So if something happens and you don't think you're gonna make it, 882 00:54:20,257 --> 00:54:21,674 just remember this, 883 00:54:21,716 --> 00:54:23,842 even though you don't have medical insurance, 884 00:54:23,885 --> 00:54:26,053 emergency rooms are mandated by federal law 885 00:54:26,137 --> 00:54:27,680 to treat critically-injured patients. 886 00:54:27,722 --> 00:54:31,141 So, technically, you got nothing to worry about. 887 00:54:31,226 --> 00:54:33,352 Aside from that, Bruce Campbell's got your back. 888 00:54:33,395 --> 00:54:34,895 -ALL: All right! -Yeah! 889 00:54:34,938 --> 00:54:38,399 Now, come on, Gold Lick, let's kick some Guan-Di butt! 890 00:54:38,566 --> 00:54:40,901 (ALL CHEERlNG) 891 00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:48,575 (ON RADlO) Oh, yeah. This is Henderson. l'm crossing Old Stage Road. 892 00:54:48,660 --> 00:54:50,286 No sign of the demon, over. 893 00:54:50,370 --> 00:54:52,788 BRUCE: Oh, my God, Henderson, he's right behind you. 894 00:54:52,872 --> 00:54:53,914 (HENDERSON EXCLAlMlNG) 895 00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:55,040 Oh, Jesus! 896 00:54:55,083 --> 00:54:56,083 (BRUCE LAUGHlNG) 897 00:54:56,209 --> 00:54:58,752 -Just kidding, chief! -That ain't funny. 898 00:54:59,129 --> 00:55:01,213 (ROARlNG) 899 00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,424 (PEOPLE CHATTERlNG) 900 00:55:03,675 --> 00:55:06,510 BRUCE: Jeff, after this is over, l gotta meet your sound guy. 901 00:55:06,594 --> 00:55:07,928 JEFF: We don't have a sound guy. 902 00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:10,014 All right, we're gonna try and smoke him out. 903 00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:12,808 -HENDERSON: He's got a sword, over! -Stay your course, Chicken Little. 904 00:55:12,892 --> 00:55:14,476 Oh, he's a big sucker! 905 00:55:14,561 --> 00:55:16,603 Well, what do you expect? He's the Chinese god of war. 906 00:55:16,688 --> 00:55:20,024 Oh, no, he's spotted me. He's coming to fight! 907 00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:21,817 No! No! 908 00:55:21,901 --> 00:55:23,277 (SCREAMlNG) 909 00:55:23,361 --> 00:55:25,321 Give it a rest, Shatner. 910 00:55:29,326 --> 00:55:31,118 (THUNDER CRASHlNG) 911 00:55:33,455 --> 00:55:35,956 Bruce, do something! 912 00:55:37,625 --> 00:55:39,209 (GROWLlNG) 913 00:55:39,502 --> 00:55:42,004 -What the fuck is that? -lt's Guan-Di! 914 00:55:42,088 --> 00:55:45,883 -You mean the son-of-a-bitch is real? -Shouldn't we shoot it? 915 00:55:49,012 --> 00:55:52,473 No! No! No! 916 00:55:52,515 --> 00:55:54,266 Retreat! 917 00:55:54,309 --> 00:55:55,809 (SCREAMlNG) 918 00:55:55,894 --> 00:55:57,186 (ALL SCREAMlNG) 919 00:55:57,354 --> 00:56:01,523 -JEFF: Bruce, where are you going? -Shoot it! Shoot it! 920 00:56:01,608 --> 00:56:05,819 (GUN FlRlNG) 921 00:56:06,154 --> 00:56:07,654 (SCREAMlNG) 922 00:56:08,698 --> 00:56:13,452 Daddy? 923 00:56:13,953 --> 00:56:14,995 (GUN FlRlNG) 924 00:56:15,038 --> 00:56:18,499 MAN: My ear. MAYOR: Stop shooting! Stop shooting! 925 00:56:23,671 --> 00:56:25,339 GUAN-Dl: Must die! 926 00:56:27,342 --> 00:56:29,134 BRUCE: Keys! Keys! Come on, it's the country. 927 00:56:29,177 --> 00:56:31,345 Don't you keep your fucking keys in your trucks? 928 00:56:31,471 --> 00:56:33,347 (GUAN-Dl ROARlNG) 929 00:56:36,476 --> 00:56:37,559 All right. 930 00:56:39,521 --> 00:56:41,980 Coil wire to the ignition. 931 00:56:42,607 --> 00:56:44,691 What could possibly go wrong? 932 00:56:44,734 --> 00:56:46,527 (GROANlNG) 933 00:56:47,695 --> 00:56:49,363 Oh, man! 934 00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:51,073 That always worked in the movies. 935 00:56:51,199 --> 00:56:52,449 (BELL DlNGlNG) 936 00:57:00,708 --> 00:57:02,584 Hey! Hey! Hey! 937 00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:04,044 Thank you. 938 00:57:05,004 --> 00:57:08,882 Give me back my bike, you old prick! And McHaIe's Navy sucked. 939 00:57:14,931 --> 00:57:16,056 (CAR HONKlNG) 940 00:57:16,141 --> 00:57:17,391 (EXCLAlMlNG) 941 00:57:22,897 --> 00:57:25,274 Young man, are you all right? 942 00:57:26,067 --> 00:57:29,278 Lady, you gotta give me a ride out of here right now. 943 00:57:29,362 --> 00:57:33,073 -l'm sorry, but there's no room. -Oh, yeah, there is. 944 00:57:33,116 --> 00:57:37,411 Oh, yeah. Get out of there. Get out of there! Get out of here! 945 00:57:45,503 --> 00:57:48,297 Oh, my kitty! My kitty cat! 946 00:57:48,590 --> 00:57:49,923 (CAT SQUEALlNG) 947 00:57:51,176 --> 00:57:52,926 Oh, you horrible man! 948 00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:55,554 And you were the worst thing about Moontrap! 949 00:57:57,557 --> 00:58:01,310 "Yeah. Come to Gold Lick. Help us fight a monster." 950 00:58:01,394 --> 00:58:03,854 What the hell were they thinking? 951 00:58:04,230 --> 00:58:07,191 Now the supernatural son-of-a-bitch is after me. 952 00:58:07,275 --> 00:58:10,360 Oh, man. l gotta blow this pop stand fast. 953 00:58:10,445 --> 00:58:11,612 (ENGlNE FALTERlNG) 954 00:58:11,779 --> 00:58:12,946 Oh! 955 00:58:14,073 --> 00:58:17,618 l'm so screwed! Oh, that cheapskate old lady. 956 00:58:23,041 --> 00:58:24,666 Hey, guys. 957 00:58:26,878 --> 00:58:28,462 l need a car, pronto! 958 00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:31,798 Hey, ain't you that demon-fighting son-of-a-bitch? 959 00:58:31,925 --> 00:58:33,300 Yeah, l am. 960 00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:35,844 l came back 'cause l needed some garbage bags 961 00:58:35,929 --> 00:58:37,638 and shovels 'cause we killed... 962 00:58:37,722 --> 00:58:40,682 Hold that thought, guys. Nice talking to you. 963 00:58:42,143 --> 00:58:45,562 Suckers! You won't have me to kick around anymore. 964 00:58:45,647 --> 00:58:50,317 You can take this little crappy-ass town and shove it right up... 965 00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:52,444 Hey, hey. What... 966 00:58:56,658 --> 00:58:58,283 -Bruce. -Yeah? 967 00:58:58,326 --> 00:58:59,826 -Where's Jeff? -Jeff... 968 00:58:59,869 --> 00:59:01,620 What, you just left him out there? 969 00:59:01,663 --> 00:59:03,747 Well, that depends on what the definition of "out there" is. 970 00:59:03,831 --> 00:59:07,167 And you know, lady, you never told me that this monster was real! 971 00:59:07,210 --> 00:59:08,585 Shoe lace. 972 00:59:10,797 --> 00:59:13,173 MAN: There he is! MAN 2: Stop that truck! 973 00:59:14,717 --> 00:59:16,510 (ALL CLAMORlNG) 974 00:59:19,514 --> 00:59:20,847 Mom! 975 00:59:22,767 --> 00:59:24,309 Where's Bruce? 976 00:59:25,436 --> 00:59:27,229 MAN: Stop that truck! 977 00:59:39,701 --> 00:59:41,702 MAN: He's just a damn coward. 978 00:59:45,540 --> 00:59:48,750 l've been here five years, nobody die. 979 00:59:48,835 --> 00:59:50,877 Now, everybody die. 980 00:59:58,052 --> 01:00:01,888 Nobody else better die. You're gonna have to answer to Luigi. 981 01:00:01,973 --> 01:00:03,223 (BlRD CAWlNG) 982 01:00:03,266 --> 01:00:04,933 Oh, shit. 983 01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:08,270 There's some crazy shit going down in this town. 984 01:00:09,355 --> 01:00:11,064 (THUNDER CRASHlNG) 985 01:00:14,527 --> 01:00:16,695 What are you gonna do with that? 986 01:00:18,156 --> 01:00:20,490 (GROANlNG) 987 01:00:26,080 --> 01:00:27,080 Huh? 988 01:00:42,472 --> 01:00:44,139 (BOTH SlNGlNG) 989 01:01:21,803 --> 01:01:22,969 (GROWLlNG) 990 01:01:24,555 --> 01:01:26,932 Cute little Sam'nRob. 991 01:01:27,183 --> 01:01:28,350 (CHUCKLlNG) 992 01:01:28,518 --> 01:01:31,561 At least l still have you. Come here, boy. 993 01:01:31,646 --> 01:01:32,646 Come on. 994 01:01:32,689 --> 01:01:33,855 (WHlSTLlNG) 995 01:01:34,232 --> 01:01:36,024 You son-of-a-bitch! 996 01:01:39,028 --> 01:01:41,321 Maybe l'll feel better after breakfast. 997 01:01:41,364 --> 01:01:44,324 lt's the most important meal of the day. 998 01:01:44,367 --> 01:01:47,160 (ON ANSWERlNG MACHlNE) This is Bruce Campbell, actor eхtraordinaire. 999 01:01:47,203 --> 01:01:50,789 If you're young, female and not currently incarcerated, 1000 01:01:50,832 --> 01:01:54,918 page me at star-998, otherwise, leave a message after the tone. 1001 01:01:55,002 --> 01:01:56,002 (MACHlNE BEEPS) 1002 01:01:56,087 --> 01:01:57,671 Bruce, it's Cheryl. 1003 01:01:57,714 --> 01:01:58,797 Cheryl? 1004 01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:01,049 There's something I've been meaning to tell you, 1005 01:02:01,134 --> 01:02:04,219 something that's been weighing on me ever since our divorce. 1006 01:02:04,303 --> 01:02:05,762 Well, of course l forgive you! 1007 01:02:05,847 --> 01:02:08,724 It's the alimony payment. It's just not cutting it. 1008 01:02:09,517 --> 01:02:10,517 Huh? 1009 01:02:10,601 --> 01:02:13,061 So my lawyer's filed a motion to have it increased, 1010 01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:15,147 along with a fresh restraining order, 1011 01:02:15,189 --> 01:02:18,650 so don't even try returning this call, you fuck head. 1012 01:02:19,819 --> 01:02:24,489 You heartless hell-spawn! Get the fuck out of here! 1013 01:02:25,491 --> 01:02:28,160 Sleep with the scorpions, bitch! 1014 01:02:29,454 --> 01:02:31,830 Who does she think she is? 1015 01:02:31,873 --> 01:02:36,918 Think l'm some low-budget, two-bit actor? Tell you what... 1016 01:02:41,966 --> 01:02:44,760 "From the desk of Mills Toddner. 1017 01:02:44,844 --> 01:02:48,054 "Pack your bags, baby. Back-to-back in Bulgaria. 1018 01:02:49,182 --> 01:02:53,477 "Cave Alien 3 and 4." 1019 01:02:54,979 --> 01:02:56,229 Oh, no! 1020 01:02:57,190 --> 01:02:59,900 No! 1021 01:02:59,942 --> 01:03:01,193 Help me! 1022 01:03:08,326 --> 01:03:09,993 Hang on a second. 1023 01:03:10,077 --> 01:03:11,536 (GRUNTlNG) 1024 01:03:17,251 --> 01:03:18,710 What the hell do you want? l'm busy. 1025 01:03:18,753 --> 01:03:21,755 Hi, l'm Kasey, the famous singing prostitute. 1026 01:03:21,798 --> 01:03:24,716 I'm here to offer birthday greetings and wish you lots of luck 1027 01:03:24,759 --> 01:03:26,968 And if you're really, really lucky I'll even toss in a... 1028 01:03:27,053 --> 01:03:29,346 Oh, God, whoa, whoa. Who sent you? 1029 01:03:31,265 --> 01:03:35,310 "From your friend and agent, Mills Toddner. Here's some birthday sugar, baby." 1030 01:03:35,394 --> 01:03:38,438 That's it? That was my special gift? A woman? 1031 01:03:38,481 --> 01:03:41,942 Actually, l'm only half-way through my transgender surgeries, so technically... 1032 01:03:41,984 --> 01:03:44,694 Whoa, whoa, whoa! For the love of God, just stop! 1033 01:03:44,779 --> 01:03:46,488 (PHONE RlNGlNG) 1034 01:03:53,496 --> 01:03:56,540 -Campbell residence. -Bruce, it's Jeff. 1035 01:03:57,667 --> 01:03:59,292 You little bastard. 1036 01:03:59,335 --> 01:04:00,961 You're the one who dragged me into this nightmare. 1037 01:04:01,003 --> 01:04:04,256 Now, what, are you calling to chew my ass out for taking a powder? 1038 01:04:04,298 --> 01:04:08,009 No, l... l just wanted to thank you. 1039 01:04:08,094 --> 01:04:09,803 Thank me? For what? 1040 01:04:09,846 --> 01:04:12,264 For teaching me the meaning of courage. 1041 01:04:12,306 --> 01:04:15,851 -l ran like cheap mascara. -Well, that's just it. 1042 01:04:15,935 --> 01:04:19,396 While l was trying to dodge my responsibilities by dumping them on you, 1043 01:04:19,480 --> 01:04:22,691 you showed me l have to face this thing on my own. 1044 01:04:23,484 --> 01:04:24,693 Yeah. 1045 01:04:25,152 --> 01:04:28,613 l'm glad you learned the error of your ways, kid, yeah. 1046 01:04:28,656 --> 01:04:31,992 l'm the one who unleashed Guan-Di. lt's up to me to kill it. 1047 01:04:32,702 --> 01:04:36,329 Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're gonna take on Toshiro McFuckhead solo? 1048 01:04:36,372 --> 01:04:38,331 Thank you, Mr. Campbell. 1049 01:04:39,417 --> 01:04:41,585 All l needed was a push. 1050 01:04:43,963 --> 01:04:45,046 No, no! Kid! Kid! 1051 01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:46,298 (DlAL TONE) 1052 01:04:46,507 --> 01:04:48,675 -Son-of-a... -Boyfriend troubles? 1053 01:04:48,718 --> 01:04:49,885 No! 1054 01:04:50,678 --> 01:04:53,388 Stupid kid's gonna get himself killed! 1055 01:04:53,472 --> 01:04:56,433 What do l care? l got problems of my own. 1056 01:04:58,269 --> 01:05:01,479 -Who are you? -l'm your good nature, Bruce. 1057 01:05:01,522 --> 01:05:03,273 Now, you heed my warning. 1058 01:05:03,357 --> 01:05:06,568 lf Jeff goes up against Guan-Di all by himself, 1059 01:05:06,694 --> 01:05:08,194 oh, he'll be cut to ribbons. 1060 01:05:08,279 --> 01:05:10,780 You've got to help the dear boy! 1061 01:05:10,865 --> 01:05:14,200 Oh, don't listen to him! Kid's an asshole! 1062 01:05:14,285 --> 01:05:16,828 Fuck him! Nobody lives forever! 1063 01:05:16,871 --> 01:05:20,373 How can you say such a thing? You awful devil. 1064 01:05:20,416 --> 01:05:23,168 l got something for you right here, angel. 1065 01:05:23,210 --> 01:05:25,545 Bruce, you've got to help Jeff. 1066 01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:27,672 He's your biggest fan! 1067 01:05:27,715 --> 01:05:29,341 (MOCKlNG ANGEL) 1068 01:05:29,467 --> 01:05:32,385 -BRUCE: Get out of here, you freaks! -l'm flying! 1069 01:05:33,012 --> 01:05:37,265 You, Nurse Ratched, how would you like to make $1 00? 1070 01:05:37,725 --> 01:05:39,476 Story of my life. 1071 01:05:40,645 --> 01:05:43,897 -No, no, no. l need a ride. -That's why l'm here. 1072 01:05:43,940 --> 01:05:45,398 ln your car. 1073 01:05:46,651 --> 01:05:50,236 -Kinky. -No, l need a ride to a town called Gold Lick. 1074 01:05:51,906 --> 01:05:54,032 l need to kill me a Guan-Di. 1075 01:06:06,963 --> 01:06:09,839 -MAN: Keep away from him, honey. -All right. Now, stay here. 1076 01:06:09,924 --> 01:06:12,634 Try not to blow anybody till l get back. 1077 01:06:30,277 --> 01:06:31,569 Hey, Kelly! 1078 01:06:32,822 --> 01:06:34,447 Why don't you go home? 1079 01:06:34,490 --> 01:06:40,120 Go find yourself some fake Hollywood girl 'cause you and me were never real. 1080 01:06:40,162 --> 01:06:42,414 Kelly, please. 1081 01:06:42,456 --> 01:06:46,626 l'm not one of those shallow sex machines like all those other Hollywood types. 1082 01:06:46,711 --> 01:06:49,295 KASEY: Hey, mister, you still owe me $1 00! 1083 01:06:49,714 --> 01:06:51,965 And we still have to have sex! 1084 01:06:55,136 --> 01:06:57,887 Would you excuse me forjust a second? 1085 01:06:59,598 --> 01:07:02,684 For the love of God, just take the money and go. 1086 01:07:02,768 --> 01:07:06,646 Oh, l'll take a rain check on the ex-say a little ater-lay. 1087 01:07:06,731 --> 01:07:08,273 Whatever, dude. 1088 01:07:12,194 --> 01:07:15,613 Kelly, look, we don't have much time... 1089 01:07:15,656 --> 01:07:17,323 Hey, that's all my stuff. 1090 01:07:17,366 --> 01:07:20,660 Yeah, well, Jeff asked me to purge his loft. 1091 01:07:20,703 --> 01:07:22,287 lt was my pleasure. 1092 01:07:22,329 --> 01:07:25,206 Oh, sweet Jesus! That's a limited edition! 1093 01:07:26,083 --> 01:07:28,543 Plenty more where that came from. 1094 01:07:28,919 --> 01:07:32,005 Are you still here? Don't you have a bad movie to make? 1095 01:07:32,089 --> 01:07:35,800 Listen, l know l let you down and l'm sorry. 1096 01:07:36,677 --> 01:07:39,012 But the callow movie star who came into your life yesterday 1097 01:07:39,096 --> 01:07:42,057 is not the same man who's standing here today. 1098 01:07:43,392 --> 01:07:48,021 lt took the faith of a teenager and the decency of a good woman to open my eyes. 1099 01:07:48,105 --> 01:07:52,984 Believe me, in the last 24 hours, l've learned a lot about decency, respect, 1100 01:07:54,612 --> 01:07:57,906 (STAMMERlNG) even...love. 1101 01:07:59,366 --> 01:08:02,869 A man's isn't much of anything unless he can learn from his mistakes 1102 01:08:02,953 --> 01:08:05,080 and make them right. So... 1103 01:08:05,873 --> 01:08:08,208 Look, l'm here to say l'm sorry. 1104 01:08:08,876 --> 01:08:11,878 But more importantly, l wanna make it right. 1105 01:08:12,713 --> 01:08:15,799 So l'm not asking you for a second chance, Kelly. 1106 01:08:15,883 --> 01:08:17,550 l'm begging you. 1107 01:08:17,635 --> 01:08:22,514 Now, maybe it doesn't make much sense because we don't know each other but... 1108 01:08:22,556 --> 01:08:23,932 l think l... 1109 01:08:26,185 --> 01:08:28,394 -l think l... -Move the hand. 1110 01:08:31,482 --> 01:08:32,690 Sure. 1111 01:08:34,276 --> 01:08:37,487 Well, even if we're over, at least help me rescue Jeff. 1112 01:08:37,571 --> 01:08:39,072 What, Jeff needs to be rescued? 1113 01:08:39,156 --> 01:08:41,032 Yeah, he's going after Guan-Di. l thought you knew. 1114 01:08:41,075 --> 01:08:42,617 Oh, my God! 1115 01:08:43,035 --> 01:08:44,202 l... 1116 01:08:51,585 --> 01:08:52,752 Hey! 1117 01:08:58,217 --> 01:09:00,969 Hey! Wait! Wait! 1118 01:09:18,404 --> 01:09:21,739 Okay, maybe this was a bad idea. 1119 01:09:21,907 --> 01:09:23,241 (GUAN-Dl EXCLAlMlNG) 1120 01:09:23,409 --> 01:09:25,493 (THUNDER CRASHlNG) 1121 01:09:27,246 --> 01:09:29,831 Okay, this was definitely a bad idea. 1122 01:09:32,501 --> 01:09:35,628 KELLY: Big ass, self-obsessed movie star. 1123 01:09:35,671 --> 01:09:39,966 -Haven't you ever heard of a telephone? -Look, l am not self-obsessed. 1124 01:09:40,509 --> 01:09:43,136 Do you really think l have a big ass? 1125 01:09:43,846 --> 01:09:46,598 Do you even know where we're going? 1126 01:09:46,640 --> 01:09:50,018 Jeff's friends were killed outside an old Chinese graveyard. 1127 01:09:50,102 --> 01:09:52,645 l'm guessing that's where they went. 1128 01:09:54,982 --> 01:09:58,651 -Move the hand. -Okay, okay. My God. 1129 01:10:08,454 --> 01:10:11,331 Jeff! 1130 01:10:12,249 --> 01:10:13,917 He's not in there. 1131 01:10:14,668 --> 01:10:17,295 Well, if he has any sense, he's probably hightailing it back to town. 1132 01:10:17,338 --> 01:10:19,672 lf he had any sense, he wouldn't have called you. 1133 01:10:19,715 --> 01:10:20,882 Jeff! 1134 01:10:20,966 --> 01:10:22,800 (GUAN-Dl ROARlNG) 1135 01:10:25,512 --> 01:10:29,224 Stand back, Kel. Mr. Winchester is itching for some action. 1136 01:10:30,643 --> 01:10:31,809 (CLlCKS) 1137 01:10:31,852 --> 01:10:34,771 What? What? What am l... Oh. 1138 01:10:34,855 --> 01:10:35,855 (CHUCKLES) 1139 01:10:35,898 --> 01:10:36,898 (ROARlNG) 1140 01:10:38,317 --> 01:10:41,694 Hey, you big son-of-a-bitch, pick on somebody your own size! 1141 01:10:41,737 --> 01:10:43,321 Jeff, come on! 1142 01:10:43,614 --> 01:10:44,864 (EXCLAlMlNG) 1143 01:10:44,907 --> 01:10:47,200 -You okay, baby? -Yeah. 1144 01:10:47,284 --> 01:10:50,411 Yeah, l'm okay in a scared-to-death kind of way. 1145 01:10:55,251 --> 01:10:56,876 Okay, here's the deal. 1146 01:10:56,961 --> 01:10:59,921 l'm gonna stall the one-ton wonton, which should give you, oh, l don't know, 1147 01:11:00,005 --> 01:11:02,382 maybe 30 seconds to find a way to stop him 1148 01:11:02,424 --> 01:11:06,636 before he rips my head off and shoves it in my face, so better get busy. 1149 01:11:06,720 --> 01:11:08,554 -Bruce. -Yes, Kelly? 1150 01:11:09,640 --> 01:11:11,557 -Before you go... -Yes? 1151 01:11:13,602 --> 01:11:15,270 You'll need ammo. 1152 01:11:16,689 --> 01:11:18,064 l knew that. 1153 01:11:19,233 --> 01:11:22,235 Okay, Jeff, you know this stuff way better than l do. 1154 01:11:22,278 --> 01:11:24,279 -How do we stop it? -Okay. Okay. 1155 01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:26,447 Hollywood writers have spent countless hours 1156 01:11:26,532 --> 01:11:29,409 writing stories about defeating monsters. 1157 01:11:29,493 --> 01:11:32,036 There's gotta be something we can use in here. 1158 01:11:32,496 --> 01:11:34,747 Hey, stay where l can see you! 1159 01:11:38,043 --> 01:11:40,253 Okay, doofus, here l am! 1160 01:11:41,630 --> 01:11:45,425 -How we doing, team? -Okay. Bruce, l think this might work. 1161 01:11:45,509 --> 01:11:48,094 Where's the nearest oceanic oil-drilling platform? 1162 01:11:48,137 --> 01:11:49,762 Oh, about 1 ,000 miles away. 1163 01:11:49,847 --> 01:11:51,264 (GUAN-Dl ROARlNG) 1164 01:11:53,726 --> 01:11:55,101 JEFF: Okay. 1165 01:11:56,270 --> 01:11:59,814 Do we have any abandoned steel mills with giant vats of molten metal? 1166 01:11:59,898 --> 01:12:01,399 Oh, come on. 1167 01:12:01,442 --> 01:12:02,442 (EXCLAlMS) 1168 01:12:02,818 --> 01:12:04,694 (GUAN-Dl ROARS) 1169 01:12:04,778 --> 01:12:08,698 Okay, how about extensive mine shaft systems 1170 01:12:08,782 --> 01:12:10,658 with cannibal bats underneath active volcanoes? 1171 01:12:10,743 --> 01:12:12,452 You gotta be shitting me. 1172 01:12:12,536 --> 01:12:14,037 (ROARlNG) 1173 01:12:20,669 --> 01:12:22,920 "Protected for those who 1174 01:12:27,092 --> 01:12:28,384 "died." 1175 01:12:33,390 --> 01:12:34,974 Be patient. 1176 01:12:35,851 --> 01:12:37,060 Oh! 1177 01:12:37,269 --> 01:12:40,605 You can't bowl for shit. You should go back to Dayton. 1178 01:12:41,357 --> 01:12:42,482 Oh! 1179 01:12:42,524 --> 01:12:45,151 -Hello. -Hello. 1180 01:12:46,111 --> 01:12:47,695 You here for me? 1181 01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:54,118 No, this and this. Thank you. 1182 01:12:56,413 --> 01:12:58,998 (EXCLAlMS lN FRUSTRATlON) 1183 01:12:59,333 --> 01:13:01,000 You tricked me! 1184 01:13:01,627 --> 01:13:04,087 An island full of giant, mutated gorillas? 1185 01:13:04,171 --> 01:13:06,339 Oh, wait, no, you died in that one. 1186 01:13:06,423 --> 01:13:10,134 Jeff, Hollywood writers spend all day in dark rooms by themselves. 1187 01:13:10,177 --> 01:13:12,178 They have no concept of reality whatsoever. 1188 01:13:12,262 --> 01:13:16,182 So you'd better think of something else and pretty damn fast. 1189 01:13:18,352 --> 01:13:19,602 Bruce! 1190 01:13:22,356 --> 01:13:25,566 The sign. He's also the protector of bean curd. 1191 01:13:30,489 --> 01:13:33,616 (CHUCKLES) l'll be a horse's ass. Pardon me, big guy. 1192 01:13:38,247 --> 01:13:42,125 Well, it's nice to know that tofu really is good for your health. 1193 01:13:43,127 --> 01:13:45,253 -There he is. -WlNG: Hey, lady! 1194 01:13:45,337 --> 01:13:49,382 l'll get you. Give me back my bean curd. 1195 01:13:51,885 --> 01:13:54,637 You afraid of Wing, huh? 1196 01:13:54,721 --> 01:13:55,721 (GROWLlNG) 1197 01:13:55,848 --> 01:13:57,390 (WlNG CHUCKLlNG) 1198 01:13:58,392 --> 01:13:59,934 Wing powerful. 1199 01:14:00,060 --> 01:14:04,439 More powerful than Guan-Di, who is Wing's servant 1200 01:14:04,523 --> 01:14:07,066 and must listen to anything Wing say. 1201 01:14:07,151 --> 01:14:08,484 Right, Guan-Di? 1202 01:14:09,319 --> 01:14:11,070 Guan-Di! 1203 01:14:12,156 --> 01:14:13,614 Bean curd. 1204 01:14:13,740 --> 01:14:16,075 (GUAN-Dl EXCLAlMlNG) 1205 01:14:25,419 --> 01:14:27,253 -Hey, that's gives me an idea. -What? 1206 01:14:27,337 --> 01:14:29,547 Look, l know l'm throwing a real Hail Mary here, 1207 01:14:29,590 --> 01:14:31,507 but have you got any dynamite in this truck? 1208 01:14:31,592 --> 01:14:32,592 Of course l don't have any dynamite. 1209 01:14:32,676 --> 01:14:35,428 -What kind of a freak would have dynamite... -l do. 1210 01:14:39,433 --> 01:14:43,352 Bruce, l've got dynamite, wire and a plunger. 1211 01:14:45,647 --> 01:14:47,440 What? l was going up against Guan-Di, Mom. 1212 01:14:47,524 --> 01:14:50,485 l brought all kinds of shit. l mean, stuff. 1213 01:14:50,569 --> 01:14:53,946 Good. You get the dynamite, meet me at the entrance of the mine shaft. 1214 01:14:54,031 --> 01:14:56,616 -What, you're gonna use yourself as bait? -Well, yes and no. 1215 01:14:56,658 --> 01:14:58,993 We're gonna get a little help from my friend here. 1216 01:14:59,077 --> 01:15:00,828 When Guan-Di spots my ass on his doorstep, 1217 01:15:00,913 --> 01:15:02,580 he's gonna go totally Pearl Harbor. 1218 01:15:02,623 --> 01:15:04,665 That's when we drop the mountain on his demon ass. 1219 01:15:04,750 --> 01:15:09,086 -lt sounds a little risky. -You're telling me. This is our only standee. 1220 01:15:09,129 --> 01:15:10,296 BRUCE: All right. Now, look, 1221 01:15:10,339 --> 01:15:14,175 when hari-kari Larry takes a dirt nap, we take this sacred amulet, 1222 01:15:14,259 --> 01:15:18,262 you know, the entire reason why we're here, we put it right back where it belongs. 1223 01:15:18,305 --> 01:15:21,140 That way we can all get back to our normal, miserable lives. 1224 01:15:21,225 --> 01:15:24,143 (GUAN-Dl ROARlNG) 1225 01:15:27,731 --> 01:15:29,357 Well, this is it. 1226 01:15:29,441 --> 01:15:33,110 l'll keep him away from the entrance until you give the signal. 1227 01:15:34,321 --> 01:15:38,908 Now, look, no matter which way this goes, l want you both to know one thing. 1228 01:15:39,826 --> 01:15:42,954 l'll never forgive you for dragging me out here. 1229 01:15:50,879 --> 01:15:53,464 Okay, just you and me, Top Ramen. 1230 01:15:53,924 --> 01:15:57,176 You're the protector of bean curd. Get busy. 1231 01:16:00,764 --> 01:16:02,431 Nice catch. 1232 01:16:08,230 --> 01:16:09,855 Hey, grounder. 1233 01:16:10,857 --> 01:16:13,317 That's gonna mean some extra runs! 1234 01:16:16,238 --> 01:16:18,030 Oh, another one! 1235 01:16:18,991 --> 01:16:20,866 Oh, bad hop. 1236 01:16:20,909 --> 01:16:22,535 KELLY: Almost ready. 1237 01:16:22,703 --> 01:16:25,496 (EXCLAlMlNG) 1238 01:16:35,465 --> 01:16:36,674 (LAUGHlNG) 1239 01:16:39,303 --> 01:16:41,596 -Good to go, Mom. -We're ready! 1240 01:16:47,394 --> 01:16:49,145 (BRUCE LAUGHlNG) 1241 01:16:49,354 --> 01:16:52,064 Just walking along, minding my own business. 1242 01:16:52,149 --> 01:16:54,066 Oh, look, a mine shaft. 1243 01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:57,820 (BRUCE LAUGHlNG) 1244 01:16:58,614 --> 01:17:00,114 Hey, asshole! 1245 01:17:00,824 --> 01:17:02,533 Go fuck yourself! 1246 01:17:13,045 --> 01:17:16,464 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Let him get all the way in. 1247 01:17:25,724 --> 01:17:29,018 -He's not buying it. -That's weird, l approved that likeness. 1248 01:17:29,102 --> 01:17:30,728 Bruce, what do we do? 1249 01:17:30,771 --> 01:17:33,105 Well, looks like we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way, 1250 01:17:33,190 --> 01:17:36,359 -mano a monster. -But that's suicide. 1251 01:17:36,443 --> 01:17:39,236 Only if l die, kid. Wish me luck. 1252 01:17:39,279 --> 01:17:41,614 -Bruce. -Yes? 1253 01:17:43,241 --> 01:17:44,617 For luck. 1254 01:17:48,622 --> 01:17:51,957 -You wanna move that hand? -That's not my hand. 1255 01:17:58,715 --> 01:18:00,174 (EXCLAlMlNG) 1256 01:18:00,884 --> 01:18:02,343 (GUAN-Dl ROARlNG) 1257 01:18:03,804 --> 01:18:07,264 -Okay, Jeff, do it. Now! -Mom, l can't! 1258 01:18:08,809 --> 01:18:10,976 BRUCE: Not the face! Not the face! 1259 01:18:11,812 --> 01:18:13,145 lt is Bruce Campbell! 1260 01:18:13,230 --> 01:18:15,773 Look, l know how much he means to you, 1261 01:18:15,816 --> 01:18:18,859 how much he means to all the audiences across the world, 1262 01:18:18,944 --> 01:18:20,653 how much he means to me. 1263 01:18:20,696 --> 01:18:24,115 But look, you've got to just think of one question right now. 1264 01:18:24,157 --> 01:18:26,701 What would Bruce Campbell do? 1265 01:18:26,785 --> 01:18:28,536 -Run away? -No! 1266 01:18:40,590 --> 01:18:42,633 (BOTH COUGHlNG) 1267 01:19:03,655 --> 01:19:05,698 l can't believe he's gone. 1268 01:19:06,199 --> 01:19:07,783 (BRUCE GROANlNG) 1269 01:19:27,637 --> 01:19:29,180 Stay there. 1270 01:19:31,850 --> 01:19:35,352 Bruce. 1271 01:19:35,395 --> 01:19:38,147 Well, l'm glad that's over. 1272 01:19:38,273 --> 01:19:39,440 (LAUGHlNG) 1273 01:19:39,608 --> 01:19:42,443 -Jeff, l just have one request. -Anything, Bruce. 1274 01:19:42,527 --> 01:19:46,071 Next time you unleash an ancient demon, call that Buffy chick. 1275 01:19:46,156 --> 01:19:47,656 (ALL LAUGHlNG) 1276 01:19:54,664 --> 01:19:56,749 (ROARlNG) 1277 01:20:00,921 --> 01:20:02,254 (ALL SCREAMlNG) 1278 01:20:02,881 --> 01:20:04,548 BRUCE: Stop! Stop! 1279 01:20:05,759 --> 01:20:08,135 What's the problem, Bruce? 1280 01:20:08,887 --> 01:20:11,764 Look, l'm sorry, but these shock endings are a rip off. 1281 01:20:11,848 --> 01:20:15,768 l mean, we just killed the creature like 30 seconds ago, and now it's back? 1282 01:20:15,811 --> 01:20:17,520 The fans deserve better. 1283 01:20:17,604 --> 01:20:22,233 And come on, for once, could we please have a happy ending to a horror film? 1284 01:20:22,776 --> 01:20:26,570 -Yeah. A happy ending is a great... -l'll think about it. 1285 01:20:26,613 --> 01:20:28,531 Think about it, though. 1286 01:20:36,581 --> 01:20:39,625 Oh, l never knew life could be so swell. 1287 01:20:39,709 --> 01:20:43,462 Well, once you've made love the Bruce Campbell way, you never go back. 1288 01:20:43,505 --> 01:20:47,299 Father, Mother, l've just been accepted to Harvard. 1289 01:20:47,342 --> 01:20:48,384 (LAUGHlNG) 1290 01:20:48,468 --> 01:20:50,678 l told you that C average was nothing to worry about. 1291 01:20:50,762 --> 01:20:51,762 (ALL LAUGHlNG) 1292 01:20:51,805 --> 01:20:53,430 Group hug. 1293 01:20:54,975 --> 01:20:56,225 You happy? 1294 01:20:56,309 --> 01:20:57,518 -You happy? -Oh, yes. 1295 01:20:57,602 --> 01:21:00,813 -We're all happy. -One big happy family. 1296 01:21:00,939 --> 01:21:02,356 (ALL LAUGHlNG) 1297 01:21:04,609 --> 01:21:06,110 (LAUGHlNG) 1298 01:21:10,782 --> 01:21:13,909 Now, l ask you, what could be a better ending than that? 1299 01:21:13,994 --> 01:21:15,160 (SCREAMlNG) 1300 01:21:15,203 --> 01:21:16,662 Oh, my God! 1301 01:21:25,046 --> 01:21:27,298 (BOTH SlNGlNG) 1302 01:22:33,949 --> 01:22:35,157 Bean curd.