[coyote howling]
- SHAWN, WE SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT OUR TROOP.
- DUDE, THIS IS A CHANCE TO PUT OUR SKILLS TO A REAL TEST.
[eerie noises]
- OKAY, WHAT WAS THAT?
- IT WAS NOTHING.
YOUR LITTLE LIL' CHIEF SENSES ARE OFF.
[eerie noise]
- OKAY, TELL ME YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
- PROBABLY JUST A GIANT BEAVER. [heavy breathing]
- A GIANT BEAVER?
DAGNABBIT, SHAWN, WHAT IS IT?
[animal snarling]
- RUN!
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHOA.
WANDERING OFF IS ABOUT THE DUMBEST THING
YOU'VE EVER DONE, SHAWN.
DO YOU KNOW HOW DENSE THIS FOREST IS?
- DENSE ENOUGH FOR A WEREWOLF TO RUN AMOK
AND SWALLOW ME LIKE A ROLLO.
- WEREWOLVES, HUH?
- YEAH, DIDN'T YOU HEAR THEM?
- WELL, THE MIND CAN CONVINCE ITSELF
OF ALMOST ANYTHING WHEN FEAR IS INVOLVED.
BUT FEAR DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS DOJO, DOES IT, BOYS?
[animal howling]
- [meekly] HELP ME.
- OKAY... WE'RE OUTA HERE.
- THE FOLLOWING IS THE ROYAL RUMBLE!
[fans cheering on television]
- [shouting] LET'S GOOOOO!
OHOOOOOO!
- "HACKSAW" JIM DUGGAN.
- WINNER OF THE FIRST-EVER RUMBLE IN 1988.
OLD SCHOOL.
- YOU EVEN GOT THE 2x4. ALL RIGHT.
- LOOK AT YOU. WE BOTH WENT RETRO.
ALTHOUGH HE SHOULD HAVE A VAST AND UNRULY BEARD.
- I DIDN'T WANT TO DRAW ON HIS FACE, SHAWN.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THE MOST IMPORTANT COMPONENT
IS STILL INTACT.
- [both] WHAAAAAT?
- SYLVESTER RITTER, AKA: JUNKYARD DOG.
THE MOST PROLIFIC AND ELECTRIFYING WRESTLER
OF HIS TIME.
MAY HE REST IN PEACE.
- AMEN.
- IS IT A LITTLE WEIRD THAT WE STILL--
- YEAH, THIS MIGHT HAVE TO BE THE LAST YEAR FOR THE DOLLS.
- KINDA CREEPY.
- LET'S COVER THEM WITH SOMETHING.
- ALL RIGHT. - HURRY.
- HELLO?
HELLO.
PLEASE SAY YOU'RE THE PSYCHIC DETECTIVES--PLEASE.
- I'M THE PSYCHIC DETECTIVE. HE JUST HAS A MAGIC 8-BALL HEAD.
- OKAY, TERRIFIC. OKAY, THIS IS GOOD.
MY NAME IS STEWART GIMBLEY.
I NEED YOU TO LOCK ME UP AND OBSERVE MY BEHAVIOR OVERNIGHT.
YOU'RE MY LAST HOPE.
- WHOA! - HEY, DUDE! DUDE!
- NO, IT'S FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.
- ARE THOSE SILVER BULLETS?
- LOOK, I WENT TO THE COPS, AND I TOLD THEM
TO PUT ME IN A CELL.
AND THE DETECTIVE I SPOKE TO SAID,
"JAIL IS FOR CRIMINALS, NOT DELUSIONAL WHACKADOOS."
- HE SAID "WHACKADOOS"?
- UH-HUH. AND THEN HE PINCHED HIMSELF
AND TOLD ME TO COME SEE YOU GUYS.
- AND WHAT, EXACTLY, DOES THIS DETECTIVE LOOK LIKE?
- IMAGINE ROBERT GOULET DRESSED LIKE MR. BEAN
PLAYING THE SCARECROW IN A SUMMER STOCK PRODUCTION
OF THE WIZARD OF OZ, DEDICATED TO TONY RANDALL.
- UH-HUH.
- SO, STEWART, WHY DO YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO BE
LOCKED UP AND OBSERVED?
- I'M ALMOST POSITIVE I'M A LYCAN.
- LICHEN? LIKE SEAWEED?
- NO, A LYCAN.
- OH, YOU MEAN A LYCHEE. LIKE SHEEP'S WOOL.
- LYCHEE IS A DRUPE FRUIT, SHAWN.
- A LYCAN. LYCANTHROPE. A--A--
- WEREWOLF? - YES!
- WHAT?
[clears throat]
"DEE'S NUTS." I DON'T GET IT.
- I THINK I DID THAT LAST NIGHT.
- YOU THINK YOU KILLED A LITTLE LAMB?
- YES. TONIGHT COULD BE MUCH WORSE.
I WAS GONNA ASK MY SISTER TO WATCH ME,
BUT I LOVE HER AND CLEARLY FEAR FOR HER SAFETY.
- RUMBLE'S ABOUT TO START ANY SECOND.
- RUMBLE'S ON. - I DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE--
- I CAN PAY YOU THRICE YOUR NORMAL RATE.
- [softly] I'M DEFINITELY NOT DOING IT FOR HALF PRICE,
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
- THAT'S THREE TIMES THE AMOUNT, SHAWN.
- I'VE HEARD IT BOTH WAYS. - NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
- IT'S STARTING. - THE RUMBLE'S ON.
- WE CAN THROW HIM IN THE CORNER.
- IT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
- IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S REALLY A WEREWOLF.
HOUSE RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS. ONE...
- NO TALKING DURING THE RUMBLE. TWO...
- YOU LEAVE HERE AT SUNRISE,
NEVER EVER, EVER COME BACK AGAIN. AND THREE...
- TOUCH THE QUATRO QUESO DOS FRITOS
AND I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN USING BASIC,
TRADITIONAL BEGINNER'S KARATE.
- DEAL.
YOU ARE TRULY LIFESAVERS.
NOW, PLEASE, BIND MY EXTREMITIES
AS BEST YOU CAN.
[crowd roaring]
- HO!
- PROVING TIME AND AGAIN HERE TONIGHT,
HACKSAW IS JUST HAMMERING AWAY.
- HE'S HITTING EVERYBODY IN SIGHT.
- HO!
- YOU SURE YOU GUYS CAN HANDLE THIS?
- PLEASE, STEW, WE'RE PROFESSIONALS.
- AS HACKSAW...
[eerie music]
[eerie music intensifies]
[glass shatters] both: AAH! AAH!
[filmstrip running through projector]
[howling]
[woman screams]
[The Friendly Indians' I Know You Know]
- * I KNOW YOU KNOW
* THAT I'M NOT TELLING THE TRUTH *
* I KNOW YOU KNOW
* THEY JUST DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF *
* EMBRACE THE DECEPTION
* LEARN HOW TO BEND
* YOUR WORST INHIBITIONS
* TEND TO PSYCH YOU OUT IN THE END *
* I KNOW YOU KNOW *
[animal howling] - I GOT SOMETHING.
RIGHT THERE.
[sighs]
- LET'S SEND BAMBI BACK TO MAMA.
ON MY WORD. READY...
NOW!
[gunshot]
- [whimpering]
RED? RED?
WHAT THE-- WHO'S THERE? WHO'S THERE?
I--I WILL BLOW YOU TO KINGDOM COME.
YOU HEAR ME?
YOU--YOU--YOU ARE MESSING WITH THE WRONG SON OF A B--
[screams]
- DAMN IT, SPENCER, I TOLD YOU TO STOP DOING THAT.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING SOMEONE WHILE THEY SLEEP.
- WHY WERE YOU READING THAT FILE LIKE MR. PEANUT?
- I WAS CURIOUS.
SEVERAL DISTINGUISHED MILITARY STRATEGISTS THROUGHOUT HISTORY--
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT,
I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO THE LIKES OF YOU.
"DEE'S NUTS"?
- STEWART GIMBLEY. RING ANY BELLS?
- GIMBLEY? HMM.
ABOUT YAY HIGH, YELLOW EYES, HOWLS AT THE MOON.
- LASSIE, THIS GUY SPENT LAST NIGHT
CHAINED UP IN OUR OFFICE UNTIL HE ESCAPED
AND JUMPED THROUGH OUR DOUBLE-PANED WINDOW.
- IT'S NOT EVEN SORT OF DOUBLE-PANED.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. HE BROKE THROUGH HIS CHAINS?
- FIGURATIVELY, YES.
LITERALLY, IT WAS DUCT TAPE AND KITE STRING.
- YES. - LET ME GUESS.
HE CHEWED HIS WAY OUT WITH HIS BIG, BAD TEETH,
ALL THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH.
- WE WERE SLEEPING, SO WE CAN'T CONFIRM
HOW POINTY HIS EARS WERE, LASSIE.
- I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HIS EARS.
- THAT'S WHAT I HEARD. - ME TOO.
AND NOW WE HAVE A BROKEN WINDOW THAT YOU SHOULD PAY FOR.
- FAT CHANCE. HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU GO LOOK FOR YOUR LOST PET
AT HIS PLACE OF BUSINESS.
- [both] "OCCULTOPUSS"?
- YEAH. EVEN THOUGH I WOULDN'T LOCK HIM UP
BECAUSE HE WAS FROM THE PLANET WOLFEN,
HE STILL TOLD ME TO COME DOWN AND HAVE MY PALM READ
BY HIS SISTER...WILLOW.
- YOU'RE SAYING YOU'VE WORN THAT SHIRT
FOR AT LEAST TWO DAYS IN A ROW.
- REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THIS PLACE.
- YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO TAG ALONG?
- I WOULD RATHER ADOPT A CHILD.
- COPY THAT.
- OCCULTOPUSS? - YES.
BUT FIRST...JULES?
- SORRY, SHAWN, NO TIME FOR YOUR TOMFOOLERY AND SILLINESS.
- ACTUALLY, WE-- - THAT ALSO GOES FOR
YOUR NONSENSE, MALARKEY, AND SHENANIGANS.
- WE NEED A FAVOR, IT'S LEGIT, AND WE PROMISE TO OWE YOU BIG.
- YOU BETTER MAKE IT QUICK.
- I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE SANITARY.
- OH, I USED TO HAVE ONE OF THESE
WITH WONDER WOMAN'S FACE ON IT.
- ME TOO. - IT'S A HAIR.
CAN YOU RUN IT? WE NEED TO KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM.
MORE SPECIFICALLY, WHETHER IT CAME FROM A WOLF
OR A WERE-HYBRID.
- A... - WERE-HYBRID.
- PLEASE, JULES, THIS COULD BE A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
OR MANGE.
- OKAY.
- SWEET! USE THE BAT PHONE.
- HEY.
- [chuckles] BOOK OF SHADOWS.
HEY THERE. MY NAME IS SHAWN SPENCER.
THIS IS MY ASSOCIATE RON DAVIS, AKA BOB ADAMS.
KNOWN TO HIS COVEN SIMPLY AS RICH FINGERLIND.
- YOU'RE A WARLOCK?
- NO, BUT HALLE BERRY CALLS ME "BLACK MAGIC."
- YOU'RE NEVER MET HALLE BERRY. - YES, I HAVE.
ON THE SET OF GOTHIKA.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT, I ALWAYS FORGET.
HE DIRECTED GOTHIKA. - MAY I HELP YOU?
- THAT DEPENDS. ARE YOU WILLOW GIMBLEY?
- I AM. - GREAT.
WE JUST SPENT THE EVENING WITH YOUR BROTHER STEWART
AT OUR PSYCHIC DETECTIVE AGENCY.
AND IT TURNS OUT THAT HE MIGHT BE A LYCAN.
- NOT THE DRUPE FRUIT.
RATHER, THE HAIRY BIPED THAT HUNTS AND MAULS.
- YES, I WAS AFRAID THAT COULD BE THE CASE.
EVER SINCE HE WAS BITTEN,
HE'S BEEN ACTING PECULIAR AND BLACKING OUT.
ALL SIGNS POINT DIRECTLY TO THE MARK OF THE BEAST.
- UH, DID YOU JUST SAY "BITTEN"?
- YES. WE WERE ON A MYSTICAL MARCH
IN THE DICK SMITH WILDERNESS IN SANTA YNEZ A FEW WEEKS AGO.
WE GOT LOST, AND HE WENT OFF-TRAIL
TO MAKE WATER IN THE DARKNESS-- THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.
- SURE HOPE HE FINISHED HIS BUSINESS.
- HE SAID HE SAW TEETH, FUR, AND A SNOUT.
NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER.
HE'S BEEN SO ELUSIVE THIS PAST WEEK.
HE WON'T LET ME OR ANY OTHER OF THE SHAMANS
IN OUR HEALING RHOMBUS HELP HIM
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT US IN DANGER.
WOW, IT'S REALLY STARTING TO SINK IN.
MY BIG BRO.
- WILLOW, ANY IDEA WHERE HE MIGHT BE NOW?
- WE'RE FEARLESS, WE'RE TRYING TO HELP,
AND ONE OF US IS SINGLE.
- AND CLEARLY GOTH-CURIOUS.
TRUST US, YOU DON'T WANT THE COPS TO FIND HIM
BEFORE WE DO.
- WELL, I SUSPECT HE'S HIDING AND SCARED TO DEATH,
WHAT WITH THE THIRD AND FINAL FULL MOON.
WHICH ISN'T EXACTLY FULL, JUST ESPECIALLY GIBBOUS.
HIS NEED TO FEED TONIGHT WILL BE MORE INTENSE
THAN ANYTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.
- I SEE. WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE, AND WHY?
- FRIENDS, AND A COUPLE OF THE OTHERS
FROM STEWART'S THERAPY GROUP.
THEY'RE VERY CLOSE.
STEW'S BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR.
- IS THAT SHANGRI-LALA'S?
- STEW KNOWS SOMEONE WHO WORKS THERE.
WE GOT HALF OFF THE PARTY PACKAGE,
AND WE GOT TO BRING OUR OWN VAMPIRE GEISHA.
- NOW, THAT'S A PARTY.
THANK YOU, WILLOW.
PLEASE CALL US IF STEWART SHOWS UP.
OUR NUMBER'S ON THE BACK, IN PENCIL.
BUT FEEL FREE TO USE MY WORK CELL ON THE FRONT.
- PLEASE FIND MY BROTHER BEFORE HE EATS AN INNOCENT.
- "BITTEN," SHAWN?
IF SHE'S TELLING THE TRUTH, THE MAN WAS BITTEN BY A BEAST.
THIS MAY BE ABOVE OUR PAY GRADE.
- GUS, DON'T BE THE THIRD THOMPSON TWIN WITH THE DREADS.
THIS IS EXACTLY AT OUR PAY GRADE.
PLUS, WE'RE HIS ONLY HOPE.
IMAGINE BEING HIM RIGHT NOW?
OF COURSE, THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GET JIGGY
WITH HIS SISTER.
- DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT, SHAWN.
SHE'S CLEARLY IN EMOTIONAL PERIL,
AND HER HEART IS HEAVY.
AND ALL THAT WEIRD, SEXY MAKEUP
IS JUST A CRY FOR HELP
FROM A STRONG MAN WITH A SOLID JOB.
- LOOK AT YOU CRUSHING ON VAMPIRA.
OH... [cell phone rings]
WHO IS THIS?
HEL--
- [quietly] SHAWN, I NEED YOU TO COME TO LEADBETTER BEACH
AND BRING ME A 36-HOUR SURVIVAL BASKET.
- LOOK, DAD, I'M A LITTLE TIED UP RIGHT NOW.
- SHAWN, THIS IS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE THAT INVOLVES
A FORMER NEMESIS AND SOMETHING I DESERVE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
- NOT EVEN SORT OF.
- BRING ME TWO HAM SANDWICHES ON STONE GROUND WHEAT--
MUSTARD, NO MAYO. PLENTY OF ELECTROLYTE LIQUIDS,
AND A FLASHLIGHT.
ASAP.
- OKAY, FOLKS, HERE WE GO.
KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THIS BRAND NEW BEAUTIFUL TRUCK
AND SEE HOW LONG YOU CAN LAST.
LAST MAN STANDING DRIVES IT HOME.
- NO MERCY, SPENCER.
- OH, GOD.
- HOT OFF THE WIRE, ANOTHER POSSIBLE ANIMAL ATTACK.
ABOUT SIX MILES FROM WHERE THAT POOR LITTLE LAMB
WAS RIPPED APART TWO NIGHTS AGO.
- HUNTERS? - MUST'VE BEEN LOUSY SHOTS.
- SON OF A BITCH. - WHAT IS IT?
- MY WORST NIGHTMARE.
SPENCER'S GONNA BE CALLING ME ANY SECOND.
LET'S GO. - UM, RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
I'M JUST GONNA STOP OFF AT THE LADIES' ROOM FIRST.
- UNBELIEVABLE. THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS.
- DUDE, HE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT HIS BAG.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SHAWN?
- PREPARING TO PLAY HOT CROSS BUNS ON THE RECORDER.
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING?
- YOU CAN'T JUST GO RIFLING
THROUGH ANOTHER MAN'S STUFF, SHAWN.
[high-pitched squeak]
- PRETTY SURE THE PRIVACY BARRIER WAS BROKEN
WHEN YOU DUCT-TAPED HIS THIGHS TOGETHER.
- IT HELPED RESTRICT THE FLEXIBILITY
IN HIS HIPS, SHAWN.
- "ONE CAPSULE BEFORE BEDTIME."
WHAT IS HALOPERIDOL PRESCRIBED FOR?
- SCHIZOPHRENIA.
IT ALSO REDUCES AGGRESSION TOWARDS OTHERS.
AND USED IN COMBINATION WITH CHLORPROMAZINE,
CAN CONTROL HICCUPS.
- WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT DR. KEN TUCKER?
- PSYCHIATRIST. HE'S NOT ON MY ROUTE.
BUT HE IS DOING WELL FOR HIMSELF.
HE JUST MOVED HIS PRACTICE INTO NEW DIGS ON ARTHUR AVENUE.
- NO KIDDING. I THINK THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
WE'VE HAD A CASE WITH A DOCTOR WHO WASN'T ON YOUR ROUTE.
- ALL STREAKS ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN, SHAWN.
- WELL, IF THIS GUY THINKS STEW NEEDS HELP
CONTROLLING HIS AGGRESSION,
WE SHOULD PROBABLY PAY HIM A VISIT, DON'T YOU THINK?
- WHOA, YOU WEREN'T KIDDING.
THIS GUY'S FEELING GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF, HUH?
- HIS OFFICE IS THIS WAY, SHAWN.
- OH, YEAH, LOOK AT THAT. RIGHT ON THE DOOR THERE.
HELLO THERE, MYRTLE.
MY NAME IS R.P. MCMURPHY. THIS IS MY PARTNER CHESWICKE.
WE BOTH HAVE SOME FAULTY WIRING UP IN OUR NOGGINS,
AND I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TALK TO THE DOC.
- NO CAN DO, SAILOR. PUSH ON!
- [whispering] SHE TOTALLY SHOT ME DOWN.
- [whispering] I GOT IT.
MYRTLE, WHEN IS DR. TUCKER'S NEXT AVAILABLE SESSION?
- APRIL 25, 2011. NOW HIT THE BRICKS, WOODPECKER.
- MYRTLE, IS THERE A STANDBY OPTION
FOR EXTRA-CRAZY PEOPLE WHO VERY WELL
MAY POSE A THREAT TO OTHERS?
- YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO MAKE LIKE MY THIRD HUSBAND
AND DISAPPEAR.
- [quietly] I DON'T THINK WE CAN HANG WITH THIS OLD BIRD.
- NO. [intercom buzzes]
- YES, DR. TUCKER?
HEAVENS TO BETSY! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
- DON'T TOUCH ME!
- POLEXIA, CALM DOWN. - DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN.
- MYRTLE, GIVE ME SOME HELP HERE.
- OH, DEAR.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SHAWN?
GET FROM BEHIND THAT DESK.
THAT WOMAN IS GONNA KILL YOU. - PATIENT INFO.
- GIVE ME YOUR PHONE. I'LL TAKE A FEW PICTURES.
- USE YOUR OWN PHONE.
- I LEFT IT IN THE CAR. - TOO BAD FOR YOU.
- JUST GIMME YOUR PHONE! - SHE'S GONNA BREAK MY PHONE.
- SHE'S GONNA BE BACK OUT HERE! GIMME THE PHONE ONE TIME!
- HURRY UP.
- DUDE, ARE MY EYES SEEING WHAT MY BRAIN IS
TELLING MY EYES THAT THEY'RE SEEING?
- THAT'S ME AND RUIZ THE KOALA.
I MAKE A YEARLY DONATION TO THE "BEAR WITH ME" FOUNDATION
TO HELP PROTECT THE LIVES
OF THESE PRECIOUS AND UNIQUE CREATURES.
- YOU'RE CUDDLING THE ANIMAL?
- WE'RE NUZZLING.
AND RUIZ MADE THE FIRST MOVE, SHAWN.
[camera clicking]
HERE SHE COMES.
- OH, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.
- THOSE BOYS ARE DUMB AS RAIN.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
- ACTUALLY, YOU WON'T.
I HAVE TO GO. I'M LATE FOR WORK.
- DON'T DO ANYTHING YOU MIGHT REGRET, GIRLY.
REMEMBER WHY YOU CAME TO US IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- EXCUSE US.
[clicks tongue] MYRTLE...
[clears throat]
WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR US TO SPEAK WITH THE DOCTOR
IN A NON-THERAPY CAPACITY?
YOU KNOW, LIKE GENTLEMEN. - BEAT IT.
- THAT WAS A DISASTER. - I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.
SO IF I WAS TO NUZZLE WITH A NON-DOMESTICATED ZOO DWELLER,
I THINK I'D GO WITH A GIRAFFE.
- GIRAFFES ARE CHRONIC SPITTERS.
- I'D CLIMB UP AND RISK IT.
THEY'VE GOT THOSE GIANT DOUGHNUT LIPS.
- WOW, LIKE TWO CHRISTMAS HAMS KISSING UNDER MISTLETOE.
- DID THAT SMOKIN' HOT MESS LOOK FAMILIAR TO YOU?
- NO, I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THAT.
- WELL, WELL.
- ALL RIGHT. FINE.
I DESERVE THIS ONE. LET'S HEAR IT.
- FOR WHO? THE BOY?
THAT'S ON GUS' iPOD. IT'S BACK AT THE OFFICE.
- WH--? - DON'T SAY A WORD
ABOUT DENISE WILLIAMS. - WHO?
- THERE WAS ANOTHER ANIMAL ATTACK LAST NIGHT.
AND THIS TIME IT WASN'T A POOR LITTLE LAMB.
- OH, NO. - OH, YES.
- SEEMS YOUR DELUSIONAL LITTLE BUDDY'S UPGRADED
TO HUNTERS.
- WELL, LOOK WHO'S SUDDENLY ON THE BLACK AND TAN EXPRESS.
- NO, I DON'T THINK WE'RE CHASING A WEREWOLF, SPENCER.
JUST ANOTHER CUCKOO WHO'S SEEN TOO MANY MOVIES.
- UPDATE: WE DON'T HAVE ANY ACTUAL PROOF THAT STEWART--
- SPENCER, HE PRETTY MUCH CONFESSED TO BOTH OF US,
AND HE HAS NO ALIBI, REMEMBER?
- GOOD LUCK GETTING BY DR. TUCKER'S PIT BULL
OF A RECEPTIONIST.
- MAYBE YOU JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT TOOLS.
- I DON'T THINK THE MONOCLE
IS GONNA HELP YOU IN THIS SITUATION.
- I'M TALKING ABOUT ONE OF THESE. IDIOT.
- HEY, JULES,
ANYTHING BACK YET ON THE FOLLICLE?
- NO, BUT KEEP YOUR PHONES ON, AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
THIS IS OUR CASE NOW TOO.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD LET THEM TAKE IT FROM HERE.
- GUS, IF WE TURN AWAY EVERY WEREWOLF CASE
THAT COMES THROUGH OUR DOORS, PEOPLE ARE GONNA START TALKING.
BESIDES, DO YOU REALLY THINK STEW IS
SPROUTING HAIR AND FANGS,
UNABLE TO RESIST SOME SORT OF BLOOD LUST
WHEN THE MOON IS FULL?
- IF HE ISN'T, THEN HE'S SOME CRAZY DUDE WHO THINKS HE IS.
BUT WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE IF HE'S OUT THERE
KILLING PEOPLE AND PRECIOUS WOOLY ANIMALS?
- NONE, I GUESS.
- I HAVE TO GO. I'M LATE FOR WORK.
- HOLD ON. - WHAT IS IT?
- CHECK OUT THOSE PICTURES I TOOK WITH YOUR PHONE.
DUDE, I KNEW I'D SEEN THAT CHICK BEFORE!
SHE'S A BARTENDER AT SHANGRI-LALA'S.
TELL ME I'M RIGHT. AM I RIGHT?
- SHE SURE IS. HER NAME IS POLEXIA.
- WASN'T THAT ANNA PAQUIN'S NAME IN ALMOST FAMOUS ?
- ANNA PAQUIN WAS IN ALMOST FAMOUS?
- LET'S GET A DRINK.
- I'M GONNA NEED TO SPEAK WITH A DR. KEN TUCKER IMMEDIATELY.
- WELL, IF IT AIN'T LITTLE DOROTHY
AND HER PAL SCARECROW.
WHERE'S THE TIN MAN AND THE COWARDLY LION?
- WELL, HERE'S THE TIN MAN...
AND HERE'S TOTO.
- FOLLOW ME.
- OBVIOUSLY THIS IS VERY TROUBLING.
- WELL, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE SORT OF THING
GIMBLEY'S CAPABLE OF, IN YOUR PROFESSIONAL OPINION?
- STEWART HAS A VERY ACTIVE IMAGINATION.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED. - I HEARD WHAT YOU ASKED.
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME SAY? I TOOK AN OATH.
MY JOB IS TO HELP PEOPLE LIKE STEWART
TO OVERCOME THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HURDLES
THAT IMPAIR THEIR DESIRE TO LEAD WHAT WE CONSIDER
TO BE NORMAL, EVERYDAY LIVES.
TAKE A LOOK AROUND, DETECTIVE.
MY SUCCESS RATE IN THIS AREA SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.
WOULDN'T YOU AGREE?
- WE'RE JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE.
TWO MEN ARE DEAD, AND TONIGHT'S ANOTHER FULL MOON.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT.
- MY OPINION IS THAT YOU'RE DEALING WITH
A VERY TROUBLED YOUNG MAN.
- NO KIDDING.
- A FEW WEEKS AGO, STEWART TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORSE.
IT IS POSSIBLE HE IS BLURRING THE LINES
BETWEEN REALITY AND A MUCH DARKER FANTASY.
AT THE END OF OUR LAST SESSION, HE EVEN BECAME EMOTIONAL
AND, UH...GAVE ME A HUG.
- WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
- IN THE EVENT HE NEVER SAW ME AGAIN.
- YEAH, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE HE MIGHT BE?
- I WISH I KNEW.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF.
- HELLO, GENTLEMEN. WHAT'LL IT BE?
- WELL, HE WOULD LIKE A ROY ROGERS.
THAT MUCH WE KNOW FOR CERTAIN. - WHAAAT?
- YOU LOOK REALLY FAMILIAR TO ME.
- YEAH, I'VE JUST GOT ONE OF THOSE FACES, I GUESS.
- NOPE, I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK SO.
I'M ALMOST POSITIVE I'VE SEEN YOU BEFORE.
WAIT A SECOND.
ARE YOU A PATIENT OF DR. KEN TUCKER?
- NO.
- I KNEW IT! I TOTALLY KNEW IT.
WE WERE JUST THERE EARLIER TODAY.
TRYING TO GET MY BUDDY HARRY MONROE HERE AN APPOINTMENT.
HE'S ABSOLUTELY STIR CRAZY.
- YEAH, AND SKIP HERE HAS ROMANTIC DREAMS
ABOUT FIREMEN WHO LOOK LIKE DOLPH LUNDGREN.
- WHAT? YOU CHEEKY SCREWBALL.
WHAT'D I TELL YOU, HE'S WACKO.
- NO, YOU SAID IT WAS LATE, AND YOU WERE IN A FIREHOUSE,
AND YOU SLID DOWN THIS LARGE POLE--
- WHAT ARE YOU--WHY? - YOU STARTED IT.
- OKAY, FINE.
HAVE YOU ENJOYED YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH DR. TUCKER?
HE COMES HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BY A FELLOW NAMED
STEWART GIMBLEY.
- STEWART GIMBLEY. YEAH, I KNOW THAT LITTLE WEIRDO.
I DIALED HIM UP WITH A GREAT DEAL
ON OUR BIRTHDAY PACKAGE LAST YEAR.
GOD, WHAT A FREAK.
YOU KNOW, HE TOLD ME ONCE
THAT HIS FATHER IS SOME SORT OF DEMON RABBI.
- YEAH, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
BUT AS FAR AS THE DOC GOES,
I MEAN, IF WE REALLY WANTED AN APPOINTMENT--
- LOOK, I'M PROBABLY NOT THE BEST PERSON TO ASK
ABOUT DR. TUCKER.
- AND WHY IS THAT?
- 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK I'LL BE SEEING HIM ANYMORE.
I'M NOT SURE ANYONE WILL, ACTUALLY. CAPICHE?
- NO, I...NOT REALLY. NO. - NO.
- UH, COULD YOU ELABORATE?
- I SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING ELSE.
LOOK, THERE ARE PLENTY OF SHRINKS IN THIS TOWN.
TRUST ME.
DID YOU DECIDE ON SOMETHING TO DRINK OR WHAT?
- UH, YES. YES, I HAVE.
I'D LIKE A SLOE GIN FIZZ, PLEASE.
HOLD THE GIN, EXTRA FIZZ.
- AND I'LL HAVE SOME MORE CHERRIES.
[suspenseful music]
*
- AAH!
- HELP ME. PLEASE.
HELP ME.
- OKAY, THIS IS REALLY, REALLY-- [balloon pops]
REALLY NOT GOOD. - OF COURSE IT'S NOT.
I WOKE UP NEXT TO A PAIR OF DEAD HUNTERS
WHO WERE TORN TO SHREDS.
- I'M SORRY, I CAN'T FOCUS UNTIL WE HANDLE THIS WARDROBE ISSUE.
[loud pop]
- AGREED.
- YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU CAN USE MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME FROM LAST YEAR,
WHICH JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE IN STORAGE HERE.
- REALLY?
- IN THE BACK ROOM THERE'S A BANKER'S BOX
WITH A HAND-DRAWN JACK-O-LANTERN ON IT.
COSTUME'S INSIDE.
SHAWN, WE NEED TO CALL LASSITER AND JULIET
AND MAKE A CITIZEN'S ARREST NOW, WHILE HE'S DOCILE.
- SINCE WHEN DO WE MAKE CITIZEN'S ARRESTS?
- SINCE A GUY SHOWED UP IN OUR CLOSET NAKED,
COVERING HIS JUNK WITH A BUNCH OF BALLOONS,
SAYING HE WOKE UP SMACK NEXT TO THE VICTIMS.
- SOMETHING FEELS OFF. - WHAT FEELS OFF?
- I DON'T KNOW YET.
- THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLY FAST.
- WHOA, YOU EVEN PUT ON THE GLASSES.
- WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BE?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU DIDN'T WATCH TELEVISION AS A KID?
- NOT AFTER POLTERGEIST.
- YOU ARE NONE OTHER THAN DWAYNE CLEOPHUS WAYNE
OF A DIFFERENT WORLD.
A LADIES' MAN WITH A PLAN. WHAT?
- NO.
- STEW, YOU KNOW YOU'VE PUT US
IN A TOUGH SPOT COMING BACK HERE.
- I KNOW. I'LL TURN MYSELF IN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I COULD HAVE DONE.
I WARNED EVERYONE. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS.
I'VE NEVER HURT ANYBODY MY WHOLE LIFE.
- STEW, LOOK AT YOURSELF, MAN. I MEAN, YOU'RE YOU.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE DOING THESE THINGS.
- I KNOW, BUT THERE ISN'T A SINGLE SHRED OF EVIDENCE
TO SUGGEST THAT I'M NOT.
- CAN YOU THINK OF ANYTHING YOU HAVEN'T TOLD US?
I MEAN, NOTHING CAN HURT YOUR CAUSE AT THIS POINT.
- OKAY. WELL, WILLOW DISAGREES,
BUT I HAVE LONG SINCE SUSPECTED THAT OUR FATHER, RABBI GIMBLEY,
IS ACTUALLY A DYBBUK,
AND THAT WE MIGHT BE THE SPAWN OF DEMON SEED.
KEEPING IN MIND, OF COURSE, THAT NOT ALL DEMONS ARE BAD.
TAKE HELLBOY, FOR INSTANCE. HE'S...NICE.
- POLEXIA WASN'T KIDDING.
- POLEXIA? WHAT--YOU... TALKED WITH THE BLACK WIDOW?
- YOU CALL HER "THE BLACK WIDOW"?
- NOT JUST ME.
ALL OF US IN THE GROUP.
SHE WAS ONCE MARRIED TO THIS GUY
WHO COULDN'T GROW HAIR... WHAT'S THAT CALLED?
- BALD. - ALOPECIA.
- THAT'S THE FEAR OF BEANS.
- SO ONE DAY, POLEXIA TIES HIM UP TO THE BED
AND GAGS HIM AND ALL THAT, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE SHE WAS INTO SOME VERY KINKY BUSINESS.
- SURE. - GO ON.
- AND THIS POOR GUY HAD A HEART ATTACK AND CROAKED.
BUT ALSO, SHE USED TO TOTALLY DOMINATE OUR SESSIONS,
LIKE HER PROBLEMS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN OURS.
BUT WE PUT UP WITH IT, FOR THE MOST PART,
BECAUSE SHE HAS VOLUPTUOUS BUTTOCKS.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "USED TO DOMINATE" YOUR SESSIONS?
- WELL, SHE ONCE THREATENED DR. TUCKER
DURING A NEO-JUNGIAN SHARING EXERCISE,
AND EVER SINCE THEN, SHE ONLY DOES ONE-ON-ONES WITH HIM.
- REALLY? STEW...
WE'RE TAKING YOU TO YOUR SISTER AT OCCULTOPUSS.
- WE ARE? SHAWN, THE MAN IS WANTED
FOR A DOUBLE HOMICIDE AND FIRST-DEGREE LAMB SLAUGHTER.
- I KNOW THIS, GUS. YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THIS?
LOOK, I'M TAKING A HUGE LEAP OF FAITH HERE, OKAY?
YOU ARE TO STAY PUT AT OCCULTOPUS
UNTIL YOU HEAR FROM US-- DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
- NO, I CAN'T PUT WILLOW IN HARM'S WAY--IT'S UNBROTHERLY.
- LISTEN, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA TURN INTO
A GIANT DOG HEAD TONIGHT, OKAY?
I'M GETTING SERIOUS VIBES THAT YOU ARE PART
OF SOMEONE ELSE'S NEFARIOUS PLAN.
- WHY? - 'CAUSE YOU'RE VULNERABLE.
AND YOU LOOK LIKE THAT. AND YOU BELIEVE IN WEIRD THINGS.
HAVE WILLOW LOCK YOU IN THE BATHROOM,
JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
WE'RE GONNA GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
IT ALL ENDS NICE.
- YOU REALLY THINK SO? - I DO.
I MEAN, YOU'RE STILL A WEIRD LITTLE DUDE,
AND YOU'LL PROBABLY BE SINGLE FOR QUITE SOME TIME.
BUT I THINK WE CAN KEEP YOU OUT OF JAIL. DEAL?
- DEAL.
- MY MAN.
- BE CAREFUL. - DON'T WORRY, I GOT IT.
- ALL RIGHT, YOU DROP THAT COOLER IN YOUR BACKSEAT
OFF AT THE BEACH TO MY DAD,
THEN WE LAY LOW UNTIL DR. TUCKER'S OFFICE CLOSES.
- THEN WHAT? - WE FINESSE OUR WAY IN.
WE FIND SOME EVIDENCE THAT STEW'S NOT A HAIRY MONSTER,
AND THAT IT'S ACTUALLY POLEXIA THAT'S BEHIND
ALL THIS NEFARIOUSNESS.
AHH... [cell phone rings]
HELLO. - SHAWN, IT'S WOLF HAIR.
AUTHENTIC WOLF HAIR.
AND WE SPOKE TO DR. KEN TUCKER.
HE SAID STEWART IS A VERY TROUBLED YOUNG MAN.
- NO PROBLEM. - UM, UH...OKAY.
- I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THIS, SHAWN.
WHO WAS THAT? - IT WAS A WRONG NUMBER.
- TWO HOURS TILL SUNDOWN. ONLY TEN OF YOU LEFT.
WHO'S GONNA WIN THIS BABY?
- DAD.
- SHAWN, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- LOOK, GUS AND I ARE WORKING ON A CASE,
THE LIKES OF WHICH OUR FIRM HAS NEVER SEEN.
- THAT'S EVERY WEEK.
WHAT'S TRULY EXTRAORDINARY IS THIS TEST OF ENDURANCE.
BOTH MIND AND BODY HAVE TO BE VERY STRONG.
VERY STRONG.
- HERE YOU GO, DAD. IT'S EVERYTHING YOU ASKED FOR.
PLUS A COUPLE EXTRAS...
- AWW, DADDY GOT A CARE PACKAGE.
- YOU'RE WASTING YOUR BREATH, ZIELINSKI.
- MUST BE YOUR BOY.
KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR CHAKRAS, EVERYBODY.
- HE'S A 5'10" PSYCHIC DETECTIVE,
WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR THAT
MEAN-SPIRITED DAUGHTER OF YOURS.
- WHAT DOES MY HEIGHT HAVE TO DO WITH IT?
- SHE'S AN UNCOMPROMISING CHEF.
- SHE MAKES SANDWICHES AT SUB-ZERO,
AND SHE REFUSES TO HEAR ME WHEN I SAY "NO MAYO."
- [chuckles] THAT'S MY GIRL.
- DAD, AM I SENSING A BITTER HISTORY BETWEEN YOU
AND SAM ELLIOTT'S YOUNGER BROTHER HARLAND?
- HE'S MY OLD NEMESIS FROM THE FORCE, SHAWN.
BUTCH ZIELINSKI. I TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT HIM.
HE USED TO STEP ON MY TOES, STEAL MY THUNDER.
- YOU COULD TAKE HIM, MR. SPENCER.
- THANK YOU, GUSTER. - AGREED.
NOW, THE GUY WE'RE WORKING FOR
THINKS HE'S A WEREWOLF.
- WHIP SOME GARLIC AT HIM, SHAWN.
- THAT'S FOR VAMPIRES. - THAT'S ALL I GOT.
LOOK, I SIMPLY CANNOT AFFORD ANY DISTRACTIONS.
TODAY IS ALL ABOUT ME, ME, ME...
AND THAT HEMI V-8, WHICH, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW,
CHURNS OUT AN ASTONISHING 390 HORSEPOWER, GUSTER.
CAN'T YOU SMELL IT? - I DRIVE AN ECHO.
- ALL RIGHT... [clears throat]
HERE'S A FEW FREEBIES.
CASEY KASEM HERE WITH THE MANICURE,
CLEARLY NOT A TRUCK GUY.
YOU KNOW HE'S EARLY-EXIT FODDER.
WOMAN BY THE SIDE MIRROR IS A GERMAPHOBE.
SNEEZE IN HER GENERAL DIRECTION, SHE'S OUT OF HERE.
AND THE YOUNG BUCK STARING ACROSS THE BED
AT MOUNDS MCCLINTOCK THERE
WOULD LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN TO TAKE HIS HANDS
OFF THE HARD BODY, AND PUT IT ON THE SOFT ONE.
- I'LL BE DAMNED. I DIDN'T CLOCK THE GERMAPHOBE.
- YOU'RE WELCOME. HIGH FIVE.
JUST KIDDING. FOCUS.
GO GET 'EM, POP.
WAIT FOR IT.
- SHAWN...
YOU TOOK A PICTURE OF THE MAN'S SCHEDULE.
THERE'S NOTHING IMPRESSIVE ABOUT KNOWING ROUGHLY
WHEN HE'S EXITING THE BUILDING.
- * WAIT FOR IT
BOOM.
[clears throat]
LET'S DO THIS.
- DO WHAT? WE STILL DON'T HAVE A PLAN YET.
- WOULD YOU STOP BEING A BABY?
WE JUST HAVE TO STASH OURSELVES SOMEPLACE INCONSPICUOUS
UNTIL MYRTLE LEAVES.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE MEN'S BATHROOM?
- DUDE, WE'RE MEN. HOW'S THAT NOT OBVIOUS?
- MYRTLE IS A WOMAN, SHAWN.
IF SHE HAS TO USE THE BATHROOM, SHE'S COMING IN HERE.
[door opens]
- THINK YOU'RE READY FOR THIS NIGHT TRAIN,
JOHNNY MURDOCK?
[zips purse] THINK AGAIN.
- [whispering] DUDE, YOU WISH YOU WERE JOHNNY MURDOCK.
- SHUT UP, SHAWN!
- NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE SWISS!
- I WAS UNDERESTIMATING YOU, SHAWN.
NOW, WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR, EXACTLY?
- POLEXIA'S FILE.
AND ANY SNACKS YOU CAN FIND.
- AAH!
- LET'S JUST PRETEND THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
- FOR THE RECORD, I'M ONLY DOING THIS
BECAUSE STEWART MIGHT BE INNOCENT.
MIGHT.
- WELL, THAT AND YOU WANT TO HAVE
A HALF-BLACK FAIRUZA BALK BABY WITH HIS SISTER.
QUESTION IS, WHATEVER WILL YOU NAME IT?
- WELL, IF IT'S A GIRL, LAVENDER, OF COURSE.
IF IT'S A BOY, DEANDRE PRIDE GUSTER.
DUDE. - WHAT?
- POLEXIA'S FILE IS GONE. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN "GONE"?
- MEANING THERE'S A TAB HERE THAT SAYS "POLEXIA LI,"
BUT THE FILE IS GONE.
- THAT'S A MAJOR BUMMER. GIMME THE SWISS.
SEE IF YOU CAN FIND STEW'S FILE.
- OKAY, HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.
HERE IT IS.
LET'S SEE, UH...
"I FEAR THAT STEWART'S CONDITION IS WORSENING.
"HE'S COMPLETELY RAVAGED BY DELUSIONS
AND UNCONTROLLABLE HOMICIDAL IMPULSES."
- GUS, I DON'T THINK SHE WAS WEARING UNDERWEAR.
- "HE MAY POSE A GRAVE DANGER TO HIMSELF AND OTHERS.
"I'M AFRAID THERE'S ONLY ONE RECOURSE.
"HE MUST BE COMMITTED TO A FULL-TIME
PSYCHIATRIC FACILITY."
SHAWN, ARE YOU HEARING THIS?
DR. TUCKER WROTE THIS AT STEWART'S LAST SESSION.
WE HAVE TO GO. WILLOW'S IN GRAVE DANGER.
- WAIT. - WHAT?
- DO THESE LOOK RIGHT TO YOU?
- WELL, THE LABEL SAYS HALOPERIDOL, BUT--
- I KNEW IT!
ONLY FOR THE LAST 11 SECONDS, BUT STILL...
WHAT'S ACTUALLY IN THE BOTTLE? - I DON'T KNOW.
HORSE TRANQUILIZERS, MAYBE. - HORSE TRANQUILIZERS?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT TAXIDERMY?
- WHAT DON'T I KNOW ABOUT TAXIDERMY?
I'M A PART OF THE LARGEST CAMPAIGN ON THE INTERNET
TO ABOLISH THE PRACTICE COMPLETELY.
- COULD THAT OWL HAVE COST FIVE GRAND?
- NO WAY. - WHAT ABOUT THE BEAVER?
- NO BEAVER IS WORTH THAT MUCH, SHAWN.
IT WOULD TAKE A MUCH LARGER GAME.
A MOOSE HEAD, OR POSSIBLY A COUGAR.
OR--OR A GRAY WOLF.
OH, NO...IT'S NEITHER STEWART NOR POLEXIA.
- EXACTLY. WE GOTTA GET BACK TO OCCULTOPUSS.
- WILLOW!
- BLACK MAGIC. IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- PLEASE TELL US STEW IS STILL HERE.
- OKAY, I KNOW THAT YOU SAID TO WAIT FOR YOU GUYS
TO GET BACK,
BUT DR. KEN TUCKER CAME BY, AND HE WAS VERY GRIM.
HE SAID THAT STEWART MIGHT TRY TO HARM HIMSELF, AND/OR ME,
AND THE HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW HOW TO HELP HIM.
- WAIT, YOU LET DR. KEN TUCKER TAKE YOUR BROTHER?
- YES.
- NO. - I'M SORRY.
DR. TUCKER HAS BEEN LOOKING AFTER STEW
FOR OVER A YEAR. I JUST MET YOU GUYS TODAY!
- WHAT DOES THIS MEAN, SHAWN?
- IT MEANS SOMEBODY'S ABOUT TO DIE.
[coyote howls]
- [quietly] PERSONAL ADDRESS...
- I KNOW, SHAWN. I SAID I'VE GOT IT.
- WELL, FIND IT.
- SOMEBODY WANT TO TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
- [quietly] 119 LINCOLNWOOD PLACE.
- 119 LINCOLNWOOD PLACE.
- SWEET. JULIET, WRITE THAT DOWN.
- THIS WOMAN, POLEXIA LI, IS TONIGHT'S UNLUCKY VICTIM.
- I KNOW POLEXIA.
- WASN'T THAT ANNA PAQUIN'S NAME IN ALMOST FAMOUS ?
- ANNA PAQUIN WAS IN ALMOST FAMOUS?
- 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK I'LL BE SEEING HIM ANYMORE.
I'M NOT SURE ANYONE WILL, ACTUALLY. CAPICHE?
- YES! AND SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH DR. KEN TUCKER.
NOT ANNA PAQUIN, POLEXIA. SHE WAS HIS PATIENT.
HE TRIED TO END IT, AND SHE WENT BALLISTIC.
SO SHE'S GONNA SPILL THE BEANS AND COST HIM HIS MARRIAGE.
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, I SUSPECT,
HIS THRIVING PRACTICE, AND HE CAN'T HAVE THAT.
WORST OF ALL, HE'S METHODICALLY SET UP STEWART
TO TAKE THE FALL.
- HOW? - IT'LL SOUND RIDICULOUS.
IT MAKES MORE SENSE TO CATCH HIM IN THE ACT,
AND THEN LET ME DO MY THING-- TRUST ME.
- WHERE IS SHE NOW?
- YOU WROTE DOWN WHERE SHE LIVES.
SHE TENDS BAR AT SHANGRI-LALA'S ON STATE STREET.
IT'S A 15-BLOCK RADIUS.
SHE COULD BE AT EITHER PLACE OR ANYWHERE IN BETWEEN
BECAUSE...THE BUSES STOPPED RUNNING AN HOUR AGO,
SO I'M GETTING A VERY SERIOUS VIBE
THAT SHE WALKS HOME FROM WORK.
- FINE, YOU TWO HIT SHANGRI-LALA'S,
AND WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THE REST. LET'S GO.
- I'M COMING TOO. - NO.
- I'M RIDING SHOTGUN!
[tires screech]
- [sneezes]
- OH, WE ARE DOWN TO TWO.
IT IS DOWN TO BUTCH AND HENRY, MANO A MANO.
- EXCUSE ME. WHERE'S POLEXIA?
- SHE FELT SICK, SO I LET HER GO.
- POLEXIA!
[cell phone ringing] SPENCER.
STRIKE TWO, THEN. SHE'S DEFINITELY NOT HERE.
LET'S ROLL. YES, I HAVE THE RIGHT ADDRESS.
IT'S THE ONE YOU DIVINED!
[rustling]
- HELLO? HELLO, IS SOMEONE THERE?
[bushes rustling]
[cocks gun]
- HELLO?
- HEY, I HAVE MACE!
- POLEXIA. - [gasps]
OH, YOU JUST ABOUT GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK,
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SO INSENSITIVE.
- YEAH, IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT.
- NO, IT'S NOT TOO LATE. WE CAN WORK IT OUT.
I LOVE MY WIFE, BUT I REALLY DO ENJOY
HAVING SEX WITH YOU.
- [laughs]
THAT'S THE BEST YOU'VE GOT?
PRETTY SOON, EVERYONE WILL KNOW
JUST HOW PATHETIC YOU REALLY ARE.
- I'M AFRAID I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN.
IT DIDN'T HAVE TO END THIS WAY.
- AAH! - FREEZE!
SBPD. HANDS IN THE AIR!
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. SHE'S VERY SICK.
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP. - I DON'T THINK SO.
AND WOMAN TO WOMAN,
IT'S TIME TO IXNAY THIS SHORTCUT.
- WAY TO BE, PARTNER! PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK.
- CHECK UP THERE.
GREAT WORK FROM THE WHOLE TEAM!
HE'S BOUND TO HAVE STEW STASHED UP THERE SOMEWHERE.
- WHAT IS THIS?
I HAVEN'T SEEN STEWART IN OVER A WEEK.
- [shouting] I'VE GOT STEW!
- THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLY FAST.
- WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SICK CHARADE
WERE YOU PLANNING OUT HERE, TUCKER?
- SHAWN...
- YOU SEE...
HE COULDN'T JUST KILL POLEXIA IN COLD BLOOD.
SHE WAS BOUND TO HAVE TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THE AFFAIR.
HE NEEDED A PATSY, AND IN WALKS STEW.
OVER THE EDGE AND CONVINCED HE'D BEEN BITTEN BY A WEREWOLF.
EVIL BLACK LIGHT BULB GOES OFF.
FIRST, DR. KEN TUCKER GAVE STEW THE WRONG DRUGS
TO ENSURE THAT HE'D BE PASSED OUT AT THE WITCHING HOUR.
THE NEXT NIGHT, HE WALTZED INTO OUR OFFICE,
WHERE WE SLEPT UNDER WHAT WE THOUGHT WAS
THE BLANKET OF PROTECTION A DOUBLE-BOLT LOCK PROVIDES.
- YOU NEVER LOCK THE DOOR.
- HE SMASHED OUR WINDOW, STOLE STEW,
AND KILLED TWO GRIZZLED HUNTERS WITH AN INJECTION
OF SOMETHING I PRESUME IS UNTRACEABLE.
THEN HE ACTUALLY PROCEEDED TO WOLF THEM UP,
USING THE TASTELESSLY MUMMIFIED CLAWS
OF THE BEASTLY PELT THAT I NOW WEAR ON MY HEAD
AS A TRIBUTE TO ITS POWER AND GRACE.
- IT'S AN AWFUL ACT-- TAXIDERMY!
AND, OF COURSE, THE MURDER THING TOO.
- AND FINALLY, HE BRANDED STEW WITH A PENTAGRAM,
AND LEFT HIM UNCONSCIOUS AT THE SCENE.
ALL LEADING TO TONIGHT, WHEN HE WOULD KILL POLEXIA
AND LET POOR STEWART CONFESS TO EVERYTHING.
- FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I ONLY WENT INTO THE WOODS
TO KILL A DEER.
THE HUNTERS WERE A MERE CRIME OF OPPORTUNITY.
A HAPPY ACCIDENT.
- OH. THAT'S WORTH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
- YOU'RE THE SICKEST OF US ALL.
- WELL, SPENCER, I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU.
OF COURSE, NO ONE ELSE WOULD HAVE EITHER, SO...
- DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR OUR WINDOW?
- [chuckles] YEAH, RIGHT. THAT'S RICH.
- UHH...
- GUS GAVE THEM TO ME. JUST IN CASE.
- OF COURSE HE DID.
- GOOD THINKING.
- YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE.
- STEW.
STEW.
- WHERE AM I?
I FEEL LIKE A BABY.
- THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE WEARING A DIAPER.
BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY, BIG BRO.
THANKS TO THESE GUYS.
HOW CAN WE POSSIBLY REPAY YOU?
- MAYBE YOU AND BLACK MAGIC HERE COULD GET TOGETHER
AND DO SOME CAULDRON STIRRING SOMETIME.
- I'D LOVE TO. - SOUNDS GOOD.
- I THINK WE SHOULD ALL GO OUT AND CELEBRATE.
AS SOON AS I AM NOT NAKED ANYMORE.
all: AGREED.
- YOU'RE RUTHLESS, HENRY.
YOU ARE STRONG OF MIND, BUT MEAN OF HEART.
- WE REAP WHAT WE SOW, ZIELINSKI.
TIME TO PAY THE PIPER.
- MY PLIGHT IS NOBLE, HENRY.
THIS VEHICLE'S NOT FOR ME, BUT FOR THE PARENTLESS CHILDREN
OF ST. THOMAS OF THE APOSTLES ORPHANAGE OF GOLETA.
- OH, COME ON.
- DUDE. - OH...
- WHERE DID-- - LOOK.
IT'S LIKE PIPPI LONGSTOCKING'S LITTLE SISTER,
PATCHES LONGSTOCKING.
- YOU DON'T LOOK MUCH LIKE THE ORPHAN TYPE, BUTCH.
- AS AN INFANT, AFTER I WAS ABANDONED
AND LEFT LAKESIDE, ONLY TO BE FOUND BY BIG-FLY FISHERMEN,
IT WAS THE FINE SISTERS OF ST. THOMAS OF THE APOSTLES
THAT RAISED THE MAN YOU SEE BEFORE YOU TODAY.
AND WHEN THAT OLD STATION WAGON CAUGHT FIRE
AND THE KIDS DIDN'T HAVE NEW WHEELS
TO TAKE 'EM ON THEIR FIELD TRIPS,
I SAID, "BUTCH... YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOTTA DO."
SO HERE I AM.
IT'S BIGGER THAN US, HENRY.
AND DON'T WORRY, I'M GONNA HAVE THIS THING FITTED
WITH A CUSTOM CAMPER SO THE KIDS CAN'T FALL OFF THE BACK
ONTO THE FREEWAY AT HIGH SPEEDS.
YEAH! YEAH!
[cheering]
YEAH! YEAH!
- DAD, ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?
YOU JUST GAVE UP YOUR DREAM MACHINE
TO A GUY YOU SAID YOU PUNCHED ONCE IN A BOWLING ALLEY.
- HE BROUGHT A NUN, SHAWN!
SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA GIVE ONE UP FOR THE TEAM.
- YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, SHAWN, THOSE WERE SOME CUTE KIDS.
- NO DOUBT. YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD,
THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY NICE THING YOU JUST DID.
YOU OUGHT TO BE PROUD OF YOURSELF.
- I'M TIRED. I WANT WAFFLES.
- I COULD EAT SOME WAFFLES.
- I'M BUYING. - WHICH MEANS I'M BUYING.
- YOU KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.