Look at the size of this bad boy.
He put up quite a battle, too.
It was him, then it was me,
then it was him, then it was meâ¦
Dad, you got him at the fish mart.
Yeah, but you should've seen the size of the lady that tried to take him from me.
It was her, then it was me,
- then it was... - All right-All right-All right,
Dad I get it.
So what's it gonna be, Bucky, pan-fried or barbecued?
Dad, remember what we said about namin' the fish?
What?
It makes them a little harder to eat.
Dad, I know I have mid-terms Monday,
but the new Ashton Kutcher movie is previewing tonight.
How many "prettys" do I have to put before "please" for you to let me go?
Mile...
Pretty-pretty-pretty-pretty-prett- y-pretty-pretty-pretty-pretty-pretty
please, Dad, please!
Whoa!
I can go?
No, you can stop.
You know you gotta study.
Yes, Dad but if you think about it,
mid-terms are a halfway to finals, so I only need to study about as half as hard.
And since I study twice as hard as everybody else,
I only need to study a quarter.
So I'm done. See how that works?
No, and you know what? I'm the dad.
And you lose. See how that works?
You see, little sister, Dad, as a single parent,
is just trying to make sure that you have the proper guidance.
And I for one, commend him on his commitment to education.
Son, I'm glad you see it that way.
Because I'm committing you to staying home and studying this weekend, too.
Ha. Ha.
But my mid-terms were last week!
Yeah, no kiddin'.
I had to wrap the fish in something. See?
Minus.
I know, Dad, but what I'm sayin' is,
who really needs history?
It's so... yesterday. And
I'm about the future!
Yeah, and so am I.
And right now I see you at thirty-five, living with me.
No job, still stealing my change off the counter.
This is a book. Go forth and learn.
Remember my, um, "ha, ha" from before?
I now add one more "ha," making it a full, "ha, ha," wait for itâ¦"ha."
Anybody seen my PDA?
Here.
Thanks.
Now Dad, I-I know you already said no,
but I've been studying a lot since then.
I sneezed a while ago and algebra came out.
Well next time, sneeze a little smart on your brother.
He could use all the help he could get.
I'm heading out for my meeting.
I should be back around eleven.
I'll be on my cell if anybody needs me.
So, try not to need me.
I don't know,
you guys think I'm being too tough on you?
Yeah.
Good. Then that means I'm doing my job right.
Study hard now.
Wow. Eight minutes already.
Yup. Time to turn in.
Good thing I'm not an outtie.
Cover him up, we've got company.
Aw, she don't like me.
So what's the deal? Your dad say yes or no?
Yeah, let's get those feet movin'!
My Mom's in the car "groovin' to the oldies"
and it's getting uglier by the decade.
- Lilly, my dad said no. - Zzitt!
You think he said no, he really said go.
No, go, it's a mistake anybody could make. Come on.
I just can't go.
I heard Ashton Kutcher's gonna be there.
Okay, now you're just being cruel.
But that's good, it's working, keep going.
Do it, do it!
Ashton, do it...
Uh... just one more time.
Do it!
Okay.
Okay, now all we gotta do is sneak you out without Jackson knowing.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Oh, he'll never notice.
He's got a friend over.
Gotcha.
I didn't hear. Got what?
Milk. I'll tell you in the car.
Oh, ho, gotta go.
Straight home to drink some milk.
How am I doing?
Shut up.
Well, I'm just gonna go upstairs and study.
Well, I'm just gonna stay down here and not care.
Oh yeah, big dawg,
What's up, Cooper?
Hey check this out, J-Man, I just found out that...
Wait, hold on one sec...
Theater three?
I'm guessing it's very close to theater two.
Can't you see I'm on the phone?
I swear people get dumber and dumber every day.
Hello! You're costing me minutes here!
You gotta get down here.
And I'm telling you this on the D.L...
Keep the walker moving, lady.
If you were supposed to hear, it'd be on a speakerphone...
There is a very hot rumor that Mr. Ashton Kutcher is dropping by here tonight.
And I should care about this because...?
Because, this place is gonna be crawling with
fine ladies trying to get next to Ashton.
And when they can't find him...
...They'll settle for us! Oh, yes!
Don't you feel me on this?
Uh, I don't know-I don't know, Coop.
I mean if I split, Miley's just gonna tell my Dad.
Of course,
she is in her room for the rest of the night.
And she's such a goody-goody, little Miss Perfect.
Always kissing up to Dad.
Just once in her life you'd think she'd go out on a limb or something.
But will she?
Mm-mmm! Because she is gutless.
You know what?
She won't even know that I'm gone.
I just talked me into it!
Cooper, you are a genius.
- It's like cheerleader tryouts. - Right.
Except we don't have to wear those itchy man-sweaters or do splits.
You know I still can't ride a bike.
Ah, the things we do for love.
Oh, yeah!
Now. How to proceed is the question.
Watch and learn.
Hey, Ashton! Mister Kutcher!
My man!
The Kutchinator! Kutchy, Kutchy you!
What's that, my close, personal friend?
Come to your party tonight? Sure.
I'll just find myself a little hottie, and we will party like it's 19...
Hello? Hey, Barry.
Can I maybe give you a call back... ladies?
Very smooth.
You know I was watching and learning and what I learned was,
I should not have watched.
All right, uh, have a little patience, my man.
It's just a minor setback.
Uh, prepare to be impressed.
So... Mr. Kutcher! The Kutchking! Volcanic Ash!
Oh!
Oh at this rate, I got a better chance with the lady with the walker...
I bet she hasn't passed theater five yet.
What are you doing here?
Me! What about you!
I'm telling Dad!
No, you're not.
Because we're not really here right now.
Right.
But Dad is.
Oh!
What can I say, Dad? She snuck out,
I followed her here; I'm just as disappointed as you are.
What are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting ready to sell you out.
Listen, buster, if I go down, I'm taking you with me!
What's he doing here? He said he had a meeting.
All right, just calm down. All we have to do is wait till he goes in.
He'll never know you were here.
Lilly?
Miley?
Miley's dad's here.
Great.
He doesn't know we're here.
And we're gonna try to keep it that way.
I don't think we're off to a good start.
We have gotta get out of here.
Wait, my bag.
Don't answer it. Keep moving.
I have to answer it. He thinks we're at home.
Hey, Dad! We're home!
Studying at home.
Where we are. Home...
Sweet home!
Home!
Yeah, I just called to check in on you guys
and let you know that whatever it is that you're doing
that you don't want me to know you're doing,
stop doing it.
Study hard now. Bye.
I hate lying to him.
You're on your hands and knees in a movie theater!
The honesty ship has sailed.
I just can't figure out one thing:
Why are we hiding?
Oh, Oliver, you naive, simple boy...
With a very good point!
Best of luck.
Perfect. Could this night get any worse?
Depends on how you feel about that.
I don't believe it.
I know,
the old man can get a date and I can't?
Why would Dad do this?
Why did he go on a date and not tell us?
I don't know.
Please stop stuffing your face?
I'm eating away the pain.
Doesn't this bother you?
Miley, it's been three years,
he's probably lonely.
Well then, we'll get him a puppy!
I hear him!
Look, uh, just remember that,
that whatever happens he can't know we were there.
So just, just play it cool.
I will, I will. He won't suspect a thing.
Where have you been?
We agreed home by eleven. And it's...
Eleven o' three?
Exactly! Three minutes of pure agony!
Yes, but the important thing is that, while you were out, we weren't.
Right. And, uh, you were at, um, a meeting.
How did that go?
Fine.
Fine? One syllable?
That's all I get?
Okay, it was really fine.
Three syllables. Keep the change.
Daddy, you're always talking about
how we don't share enough, and you're right.
We should.
Starting now.
You go first.
Okay. It was a very...
productive meeting and who knows,
in time it could amount to a little som'n-som'n...
Like, what-what?
I don't know.
You know how if you talk about things too early it might jinx it.
But don't worry,
if it keeps going the way it's going,
I'll tell you all about it.
Love you guys.
Good night.
Good night, Dad.
Love you, too.
Well, great.
This is terrible. He's happy!
I just wish I knew something about this woman.
What does she do for a living?
Does she have any kids? Any dogs?
A soundproof basement where no one can hear our scream?
I don't even know her name.
Margo Diamond.
What?
Movie, Saturday night...
Margo Diamond.
Hey, isn't she that real estate lady,
you know, the one on the bus bench in front of the library?
Your dad's dating a homeless real estate lady?
Whoa, that's weird, she sells houses,
but she doesn't have one.
I meant the ad on the bench, Miss Einstein.
This is perfect.
Now you can go meet her. Jackson can drive you.
Let me paint you guys a little picture here.
"Hi, I'm Miley Stewart,"
and I'm her brother Jackson.
And we snuck out to the movies last night and
saw that you were on a date with our father.
Now why are we telling you this?
Out of some insane desire to wanna get caught
"and be grounded for the rest of our natural lives!"
Okay, how come you always get to be the apple?
Wait a minute.
Belly button boy makes sense.
Okay, maybe you are right.
Maybe we can't go down there and talk to her.
Ooh, but I know somebody who can.
This is the dumbest thing I've ever done for you.
This is the only thing you've ever done for me.
And don't pretend you're not the least bit interested
in our future possible stepmom.
Well, of course I am.
You're not the only one who cares about Dad.
I want him to be happy too.
And if she happens to have a hot daughter
who likes to invite her friends over for pillow fights,
well everybody wins!
Hello! Back to earth, Captain Hormone.
All right, let's do this.
Just remember you're my chauffeur.
Um.
Hi. I'm Hannah Montana, and I'm looking for a house.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Lady, you're not gonna sell many houses with that attitude.
Uh, uh, we'll talk later.
Sorry, uh, telephone.
Hi. Ah, what a thrill to meet you.
My niece is a big fan of yours.
Really? Well how old is she?
What does she look like and do you happen to have a picture of her?
Not why we're here.
But if we are going to be in business together,
I need to know a little about you first.
For example, who's this?
Your husband! Does he know you're dating?
Wait a minute.
That's my brother.
A likely story. Who keeps a picture of their brother on their desk?
He gave me a kidney.
So you're scarred?
You know, that's getting a little personal.
Can we just stick to houses?
Certainly.
What's yours like? Um, any kids running around?
Ah, daughters who like pillow fights?
Uh, you know... oh, you know,
maybe I am not the right person to be selling you a house.
Oh! Let me put you in touch with Habib,
Prince of the West Side.
You're gonna love him.
Hey, I'm not finished yet.
On second thought, yes I am.
Ms. Diamond, excuse me and my chauffeur,
we have to confer in private.
And I must insist that you let no one know that I was here!
Absolutely.
I'm trying to forget about it myself.
Ah, I don't know what to say, Dad.
It was her idea.
I tried to stop her.
I'm just as disappointed as you are.
I am amazed that you can stand without a spine.
Hi. I brought you these.
Oh, I think we can spend a little more money than that!
I don't think that's hardly fair, I mean there was the movie last night...
popcorn... you wanted the big drink.
No, no! I'm on the phone.
They're lovely. Thank you.
Uh, yeah, yeah. Habib, let me call you back.
Jackson, you're on my foot!
I can't move. I've got a For Sale sign...
in my backyard.
I had a nice time last night.
So did I.
Man, he really likes her.
Well, you know, Miles, she does seem pretty nice.
I don't care how nice she is,
she ain't ever getting any of my kidneys!
I would love to go out for coffee.
Let me just get someone to cover for me.
You're not gonna believe this,
but I have got Hannah Montana hiding in my closet.
Huh?
Yeah, she's what we call a half bath short of a condo.
I blame the parents.
Yeah, me too.
Let me get my coat.
All right, come on out
now.
Oh, Dad, what a relief.
You'd never believe how lost I was.
Would it help if I said I was happy for you?
How could you?
Whoa, now hold up little girl.
How'd you find out?
Well, you didn't tell me.
I can explain.
Okay, explain this:
Why are you dating someone without telling me?
Explain how you could ever think
that there's someone out there who could ever replace my Mom?
That was awkward.
That's a beautiful song, honey.
I like coming out here at night.
It's a good place to try and figure things out.
Maybe we could figure things out together?
Why didn't you tell me?
I guess I was hoping to tell you at the just the right time and...
Just the right way,
so you'd understand and...
Not end up out here on the deck all alone.
I guess there was no right time, was there?
I just can't picture you with anybody else but Mom.
Neither can I.
What she and I had was special.
I can't replace that.
Then why are you dating?
Because life goes on and...
We gotta try and figure out some way to go on with it.
Don't you think your mom would've wanted that for us?
Yeah.
I guess she would've.
She was pretty smart that way.
I really miss her, Daddy.
I miss her too, kiddo.
What's this rope ladder doing here?
Now Dad, let's not ruin the beautiful moment.
You're right.
I'll ruin it tomorrow.
So what do you wanna do?
Oh, I don't know.
What do you wanna do?
Can you believe that we don't have dates on a Saturday night?
If only they knew what they were missing.
Sorry I ever taught you that, son.