l'm Hannah Montana.
Jake?
Leslie?
Just give me a second, okay?
lf it helps, you're doing better than Oliver.
He fainted when l told him.
Jake Ryan doesn't faint.
Leslie, on the other hand, is a little woozy.
Listen...
lf you're gonna be mad, don't be mad at Miley.
- She wanted to tell you, but... - But what? Hannah wouldn't let her?
Well, you know, she's a pop star. You know how they can be.
Total divas. l try to avoid them.
So it's just the two of you, right?
l mean, you're not also the Dixie Chicks, are you?
No. Just Miley and Hannah. Two chicks here.
Well, if that's the case, then l think you're both pretty great.
- Really? - Really.
Oh, man, paparazzi.
- They follow me everywhere. - They follow me everywhere.
l think they're following me, you know, a big movie about to open.
Hello! Millions of albums already sold.
- Okay, we'll just go ask them then. - No.
You're not dating Hannah. You're dating Miley.
You can't get caught cheating on me with me.
??
Keep up, movie star. Ain't rocket science.
come on!
Helicopters, movie stars, forbidden love?
lt's all so romantic.
lt would be even more romantic
if you would chew with your mouth closed.
So when you told him you were Hannah, he didn't faint?
- Not once? - Nope. Steady as a rock.
All man.
Well, so am l. l just hadn't eaten that day.
You know what the best part is?
Now l can finally be myself with a guy.
No more secrets. Just a normal boy-girl relationship.
Why don't you all take a picture? lt'll last longer.
Hello, people, it's just an expression.
Miley, relax. Just ignore them.
- Why don't l get us some drinks? - Okay.
Wow, l'm kind of thirsty.
Do you want water, fruit juice or ice-tea?
Are you sure you're not mad l made us leave early?
That's okay, it gives us more time to...
Who wants lemonade?
...say hi to your dad.
Yes, sir. Sweet lemonade.
Refreshing and as close to puckering as anybody's gonna get around here.
Excuse me, Jake.
- Daddy, can l talk to you in private? - Sure, doll.
Listen, Dad, l don't know how to tell you this.
Go away!
Okay, l can take a hint.
l'm gonna step out and let you two kids have a little chat,
but just remember,
the heating ducts have ears.
l swear, we'll never be alone.
- We are now. - No, we're not.
- Right, Dad? - Right, bud.
Don't worry, Miley.
Your Dad's just being a responsible parent
and l admire him for that.
Won't work, boy, but nice try.
lt's not my nosy, annoying Dad l'm worried about.
lt's your fans.
They wouldn't leave us alone all night.
Come on, fans are just a part of the territory.
l thought Hannah Montana would be used to that.
She is, but Miley isn't.
That's the reason l made up the secret,
so l could go out in the world like a normal person.
And that's kind of hard to do when you're dating me.
A little bit.
Does this help?
A little bit.
How about a little bit more?
l'm not hearing any chatting.
Sonny, this cheese jerky is fantastic. You have to give me the recipe.
Oh, sorry, ma'am,
my mom's jerky and his dad's cheese recipe, they're top secret.
But l'm a grandmother.
You can trust me.
You know, we would, but we weren't born yesterday,
and neither was this baby.
Rico!
This isn't over! That cheese jerky will be mine!
??
Oh, man, it's packed. This is gonna be a disaster.
No, it's not, if Oliver orders the chilli dog pizza again.
We'll just sit by the window.
Actually, l'm not hungry. l'm all cheese jerkied up.
Which brings us right back to the window.
Stop worrying about Oliver. l'm thinking about Jake.
No matter where we go, it's like a zoo.
The beach, the movies, the mall.
Everybody just does this.
Okay, that's creepy.
Oh, and by the way, easy on the liner,
looking a little trampy.
She look very nice to me.
Thanks. Appreciate it, but l have a boyfriend.
Big coincidence, because l have American girlfriend
and her name is Miley.
Weirdo, say what?
Miley, it's me.
- Jake? - Jake?
lt's Milos.
You like?
Look, now l'm just a regular guy. l'm a nobody, like Oliver.
Brilliant!
Hey!
- You did this for me? - l did this for us.
Oh, you're so sweet,
but could you please be sweet without the accent?
l don't like.
lf it makes you happy, sure.
Just a normal guy, with normal friends,
eating normal pizza.
Excuse me, people, l'm ready to order.
- Hey! - Hey, man!
Hey, buddy, who do you think you are?
- Well actually, l'm... - Just a normal guy.
And here in Normalville, we take a normal number
and wait our normal turn.
Oh, right. No sweat.
l did this in an episode of zombie High.
''Haunted Deli,'' take a number and wait
to die.
- So, what number are we? - Thirty-two.
Number six.
- Are you kidding me? - Milos!
Oh, sorry. Got it. Normal people wait.
l'll wait.
This is endless! You know, let's go.
Look like Milos has a little bit of temper.
How do people do this? lt's agony.
How long have we been here?
Well, in one minute it'll be exactly a minute and a half.
Thanks for letting me cut in front of you, sweetie.
My boyfriend just got his tonsils out. He can barely talk.
Honey, what's taking so long?
Did l say tonsils? l meant kidney.
My mom has a TASER.
Okay, then, bye.
- There you go, just what you ordered. - ls it all better now?
Totally.
And doesn't it taste much better knowing that you had to wait for it?
Not really.
You know, this ice cream is making me thirsty.
Oh, boy.
l said, this ice cream is making me...
Normal people get their own water.
Really?
Thanks, kid. See you at the movies.
Mommy!
- Run. - Why?
Soccer mom with a TASER.
l've never felt this way before.
And l know you've only been in my life for a short time, but...
Heck, l'm just gonna say this.
l love you.
That's right, l love you, super-secret cheese jerky recipe.
Silly, silly boy.
Well, as long as l'm here...
Man, that's good.
What a rush. All night and no one recognised me.
And l gotta admit, l wasn't really sure
if l could do this whole normal thing.
l mean, l've been famous since l was the face of Wonder Diapers.
''The only diaper endorsed by astronauts.''
Did l tell you that already?
You might have mentioned it once or twice.
Or 30 times.
Anyway, it was a great night.
Except for this wig.
l mean, it's worse than the one l wore on Teen Bigfoot.
''The only thing bigger than his foot...''
''...was his heart!''
- Still gets to me. - lt's getting to all of us.
- Where can l take this wig off? - Upstairs, first door on the left.
- Okay. Be right back. - Can't wait.
Miley, we don't exactly know how to tell you this...
- Jake's horrible. - Yeah, that's pretty much it.
l don't understand.
l mean, Hannah Montana's a star, too,
but underneath Hannah is a real person.
- And underneath Jake is... - More Jake?
l really liked him. How could l not see this?
Miley, none of us saw it.
Come on, it's the first real time you guys have spent together.
Now that l have...
So, what are you gonna do?
Learn to love his flaws?
Right. Like the adorable way he steals water from little girls.
l have to break up with him, don't l?
l think so.
What if gets mad? He could tell your secret.
Guys, come on, Jake's a lot of things, but he's not evil.
l'll tell you what, next time you people give me an itchy wig,
l'll spread the word and put you out of business.
People try to mess with Jake Ryan, Jake Ryan plays hardball.
So, what'd l miss?
- Nothing! - Nothing!
Oh, guys, come on. Let's watch me on Tv.
Look how cute Jake is.
Why did you have to talk and ruin everything?
Okay, l've been thinking about your problem
and l got a couple of ideas that'll fix it.
This isn't going to be something stupid like, ''Move to Peru,'' is it?
No!
Please tell me you don't have ''face transplant'' on there, too.
Well, l wasn't...
Fine!
And now, l have to go to another premiere with him
and act like he's not the most obnoxious person l've ever met.
l just wish l could find a way to get him to break up with me.
l know. He'd break up with you in a second
if you were half as obnoxious as he is.
- Lilly, you're a genius. - Oh, thank you.
Wait, was this about the Peru or the face transplant?
- Peru. - l knew it, l just... Sometimes.
Oh, sorry, folks, we're all sold out.
But don't worry, come back tomorrow, there'll be plenty more.
Yep, that's right, Rico, l'm turning them away.
And look...
lt's raining money, yeah.
l can't watch this any more.
Wait, wait. Look, look, look. l'm rolling in money.
What are you doing?
Laughing like Rico and rolling in money?
- You should try, dude. lt's fun. - Oh, cool.
Oh, but first, my mom gave me the receipts
for all the supplies she bought and we gotta settle up.
Please tell me the big one's for us.
You might want to look away.
Make it quick.
- Jackson... - Just go.
Why, why, why?
And here comes Jake Ryan with his not-famous girlfriend, Milkey.
lt's Miley.
Anyway, how does it feel to be a regular girl dating a big star?
Hang on, Bri, l got a throat itch.
Oh, yeah, much better. You were saying?
Wow, Jake, this one's a keeper.
Oh, man, these lights are warm. l'm just gonna air myself out.
l guess we know what happened to the ugly duckling.
- Maybe we should just go inside. - Oh, that's a good idea.
But first l gotta...
Oh, yeah, that feels nice.
Anybody got a lawn mower?
There's a breeze in Pittsburgh, if you get my drift.
- Put your arms down. - Why?
Oh, man, that's embarrassing. l meant to braid those.
Oh, my gosh, l just forgot.
We forgot to feed the cat. Let's go home.
We don't have a cat, you silly goose.
Maybe we can build one with your armpits.
Jake, you haven't said a word the whole ride home.
Did l do something wrong?
Stop it, okay? l know exactly what you're doing.
You do?
Yeah, of course l do. l'm not an idiot.
Okay, fine.
Maybe l went about it the wrong way, but...
Little Miss Hannah Montana can't handle it
when it's all about Jake Ryan.
What?
Yeah, you'll do anything to steal my spotlight.
- Face it, you're jealous of me. - Jealous of you?
Why, yes, l am.
l am a jealous egomaniac and you should dump me right now.
You know what? l'll make it easier on you.
Goodbye.
l'm not gonna break up with you.
Miley, we can get through this.
You'll learn to not be jealous just like l learnt to be a normal guy.
Oh, sweet niblets.
You don't know what a normal guy is.
What are you talking about?
Okay, maybe l'm not normal on the outside,
but inside beats the heart of a kid just like you.
That's from Teen Bigfoot.
- So? - So?
That's exactly what l'm talking about.
Normal people don't say things that other people wrote for them.
Normal people don't steal water from little girls.
Excuse me if l didn't know that.
Okay, the only reason l did this stupid normal thing was for you.
You know what? l'm out of here.
??
Being normal's not stupid.
lt lets me have real friends
and it reminds me that l'm just like everybody else.
And you like that?
l love that, and l thought you did, too.
Remember when we met?
You said that sometimes you wish you had a normal life.
Where's that guy?
That's the guy l want for my boyfriend.
Not this.
So, how was the movie?
Good night, Nurse Nickel. What are you wearing?
Daddy, not now.
Ain't seen that many feathers
since your Uncle Earl and Aunt Pearl had their annual pillow fight.
Well, if you didn't want to go out with me any more,
why didn't you just tell me,
instead of going all woolly mammoth at the premiere?
Because l was afraid that if l dumped you
you'd get so upset and you'd...
What? Tell your secret?
Well, if that's the kind of guy you think l am,
then maybe l will tell your secret.
Here you go, doll.
Fudge ripple's like a heartbreak airbag.
Doesn't stop the hurting but it sure cushions the blow.
l don't get it.
l lie to my boyfriend and feel horrible.
l tell him the truth and it blows up in my face.
Maybe l should just give up guys for good.
Oh, honey, not for good. Just until l'm dead.
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
lt wasn't the truth or the lies that caused all this.
lt was the boy. He just wasn't the right one.
l guess you're right.
But you know what's weird?
Now that Jake's gonna blow my secret,
l don't know which one l'm gonna miss more,
my normal life or the guy l thought Jake was.
Well, honey, no matter what happens, we're gonna make it through this.
We always do.
At least l know one big, handsome guy who will always love me.
Who that?
Oh, me.
- Hello? - Back here.
- Delivery for Miley Stewart. - Really?
Thanks.
Now, who would be sending you flowers?
Dear Miley, l thought about what you said and you're right.
l do wish l was a normal person sometimes.
i just don't know how to do that yet.
But when l figure it out,
l hope l'll be worthy of someone as terrific as you.
And don't worry,
your secret will always be safe with me.
''Love, Leslie.''
Who in the Sam Heck is Leslie?
A friend.
A very good friend.
Well, let's hope it's not another actor.
What are you doing here?
What are you talking about? l work here.
- But l fired you. - No, you didn't.
Sure l did, and then you opened that shack.
What shack?
But... But it was right over... And you...
And... And Oliver... And cheese jerky...
And l was in a baby stroller...
lt's gonna be okay. Let me take you home.
But you rolled in money.
Sure l did.