I'm Wayne Malloy. My family and I are Travellers.
Our kind has been living in this country for 150 years.
We're not listed in the phone book. We don't have Social Security numbers.
We live off the grid.
Some call us gypsies. Others call us thieves.
- Cael! - Most, though, don't even know we exist.
I've got three kids: a boy, a girl and, um--
My wife, Dahlia, is just out of jail on parole.
We took her home to the Traveller camp.
The family gave her a warm welcome.
- Oh. - I, on the other hand, got a different type of welcome.
I am the new boss. He is the old boss.
- [ Bell Ringing ] - Get over it.
[ Wayne Narrating ] Sometimes it takes a beating to make you realize it's time to move on.
So where are we gonna go?
Life's a river, kid. You gotta go where it takes you.
[ Wayne Narrating ] So, with a loan from the family bank,
I packed up the R.V. and went out in search of something better,
something we could all be proud of. [ Linda ] Wayne!
Something with a bit more substance.
Look, Dale and I had a disagreement.
- [ Dahlia ] ...goddamn birthstone! - Take 'em off!
[ Wayne Narrating ] It wasn't that long before the family tried to stop us.
Wrong lane, asshole! Mick! Look out!
[ Linda ] Shit. Stop!
[ Wayne Narrating ] Unfortunately, they stopped someone else instead.
And then they ran.
Knowing that we couldn't go back to our old home, we decided to visit their new home,
Edenfalls, as the Riches.
[ Dahlia ] Now, who buys a house on the Internet?
- Come and meet our new neighbors. - Doug, meet Hugh Panetta,
- biggest asshole east of the Mississippi. - [ Chuckles ]
- You flatter me, Jim. - You're sleepin' out here, huh?
Yeah. [ Wayne Narrating ] I'm proud to say...
my family is finally on the grid and surrounded by substance.
I've taken many things in my life,
but I'm on my way to taking something I never thought possible.
[ Wayne's Voice ] The American dream. We're gonna steal it.
What are you doing? Practicing.
Practicing what?
Being her.
Why don't you come practice being her with me?
You want to do it like a buffer, Wayne?
Oh, you know how buffers do it?
How? Once a year, in a cave,
standing up like polar bears.
[ Laughs ] Polar bears? Yeah. That's it.
I think they fake it. What, a polar bear?
A lot. Oh!
I wanna fake it, Wayne.
I wanna fake it like a buffer. Oh!
Oh, Wayne! Wayne! Mmm! Mmm!
Oh, goddamn it, Wayne!
Oh!
[ Sighs ]
[ Crickets Chirping ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Cael ] It's me. Where are you?
I can't say.
Far.
You didn't even say good-bye.
Couldn't.
When am I ever gonna see you again?
I don't know.
I don't even know what we're doin' here.
I miss you. [ Woman ] Tammy!
Shit. Ma's comin'. I gotta go. I love you.
[ Buzzing ]
Oh.
Man's gettin' calls in the middle of the night, baby. Can't be a good thing.
Maybe it's Ed McMahon.
Maybe Doug's already a winner.
Don't be stupid. Ed McMahon don't call. He'd come to the house.
Promise me you won't answer this.
Baby, I-- Promise me.
All right, all right, all right. Ow.
[ Inhales, Exhales Deeply ]
We can do this.
People do it all the time.
Oh, they do?
They move into dead people's houses, steal all their stuff and pretend to be them?
Baby, this-- all this-- is manifest destiny.
It's meant to be.
You're my queen, baby.
But, Wayne,
what if I like it?
Nothing wrong with liking it.
When I was a girl,
I always wanted to go to a prom,
wear one of them big old fancy dresses.
Have some of those-- What you call 'em?
Shoes?
[ Giggles ] You asshole.
No, one of them flower things.
Think of the life we can have.
Think of the kids.
It's not real, Wayne.
We can make it real.
Hmm.
I'm gonna go check on the kids.
Okay.
Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Okay.
Eight from the door and to the left of the tree.
[ Grunting ]
[ Buzzing ]
[ Garbage Disposal Whirring ] Where do you think it all goes?
You know, I don't know, Sam, but it sure does make a lot of noise gettin' there.
[ Grinding ] Stop it, Sam.
This guy's got crap taste in music, but he's got cool shit.
[ Dahlia ] Hey. Listen to this. "When you follow your bliss,
"doors will appear where there would not have been...
doors before and where there wouldn't be doors for anyone else."
- What the hell does that mean? - [ Cael ] I think it's what we're doin' here.
- What? Bliss? - [ Sam ] What's bliss?
Bliss is passion.
If you live your life with passion, fortune follows you.
Yeah. It works real well if it's in a house behind a big-ass gate.
[ Wayne ] Maybe. Maybe we're following our bliss.
Okay. Listen up, team. We got a lot to do today.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
- [ Knocks ] - [ Gasps ]
- Sajick! - Shit, Dad.
All right. Split up. Hey, no. You guys stay together.
Hey! No, no. Steash! Stop!
The Riches are law-abiding citizens.
Everyone stay where you are. I'll handle this.
Hide.
Morning, Officer.
What can I do for you?
Mr. Rich? Mr. Douglas Rich?
Is there a problem?
Well, that depends on what you call a problem.
I notice you don't have a system.
A system?
An alarm system.
Officer Lloyd Shrage. Spartan Security.
I would like to welcome you...
and congratulate you on moving to the safest community in Louisiana.
Uh-- [ Stammers ] Thank you very much, Officer.
I am so glad to, uh-- to hear that.
Uh, my family's very precious to me.
At Spartan, we provide for all our residents' security needs--
alarm systems, 24-hour patrol dispatch and armed patrol.
Oh. Well armed?
You bet. We all carry assault weapons.
No shit. Well, you-all get settled in,
and you give us a call.
'Cause you can't be too careful these days.
No, I noticed that. So, uh, yeah. I will do this.
Officer Shrage. Excellent.
Armed weapons. Keep 'em locked and loaded.
Good.
[ Breathes Deeply ]
Easy-peasy Japanesey.
Hello?
You people have got to relax.
Buffers are not afraid of cops. Cops are our friends.
What if that had been a cop?
What if that had been someone comin' to find them?
Do you know what happens if they find us? You know what happens to me?
I go back to prison. You go to prison. Kids go to foster homes.
You want that?
We run if we have to.
Somehow you're gonna have to trust me.
Oh, I heard that before.
Okay.
So listen up, troops.
We're gonna dig into these buffers' lives until it bleeds.
I want to know about their friends, their families, their jobs, their hat size.
Cael, get into those gadgets, please.
Just get those messages. Read those e-mails. Will you do that?
Thank you very much. Very kind.
Di Di, grab that big laundry basket full of mail...
and pull out any preapproved credit card applications.
- Dougie's gonna need some new credit cards. - Okay.
- Um-- - What can I do, Dad?
Sammy, I want you to get my bag of tricks and make us out some new I.D.'s, okay?
Okay.
Baby, if you could get Doug's calendar, hers too.
Just find out any relatives, friends, things about that, any stuff.
Sex slaves. Whatever.
And anybody who does good work gets to shove something down the sink.
Try "Rich" with two R's. Already did. No go.
Honestly, who spends $450 on one pair of shoes?
Try "really rich guy." And she buys three or four at a time.
I know, and every one of them butt ugly.
Seriously. No taste.
Try "rich dead guy." Surprisingly, no.
What date is it today? Uh,
it's the 23rd. [ Dahlia ] Okay.
Well, yesterday was apparently...
- his secretary's birthday. - [ Phone Beeping ]
Are you-- Yes! Ow!
Well, hi there. Is this the Javitz Hair Salon?
No? You're a law firm?
Okay. Well, I have the wrong number.
Silly me. Bye. [ Beeps ]
Got it.
Doug is a Republican. His best friend is Pete.
Pete's a mortgage broker from Dallas. He's e-mailed twice about a golf trip,
and Doug is waiting for Big Momma's House 2 on Netflix.
Damn, I'm good.
Well done. Okay. Uh, e-mail him straight back.
Uh, tell him you got a contagious disease-- illness.
[ Dahlia ] Mono. Chlamydia.
Fun but female. Okay. Mono. Mono.
And sign it the way Doug would. "Weasel."
Would I make that up?
[ Chattering ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Beeps ]
Shit.
Damn it. [ Engine Starts ]
Where you goin', Tammy?
- What the hell? Get out the way. - No.
- Move your ass! - I know what you're up to. I'm goin' with you.
The hell you are.
I'm not happy, Dale.
You promised a marriage for Ken. What do you think I am doin', Ginny Dannegan?
You're followin' Tammy Simms. I know about her and Cael.
Oh, yeah? I know everything.
You don't know shit. [ Laughs ] I know Wayne Malloy stole the family bank.
I know that you are up to your eyeballs in shit if you don't get that money back.
I know none of this is helping your position here. I know all that.
Get out. No.
Get out of my truck!
Aaah!
Aaah! Let--
- [ Grunts ] - Let go of me.
Let go of me. You hog!
Sorry excuse for a man.
[ Groans ] I am pregnant,
asshole. Easy, Dale.
You okay, Ginny? Mind your own business.
Oh, goddamn it.
I lost her.
[ Laughs ]
That's real nice, hittin' a pregnant woman.
What did you say to me? Nothin'. Dickhead.
[ Groans ]
Aaah! You broke my leg. You son of a bitch.
God! Broke my leg!
[ Mocking Groan ] Pussy. [ Groans ]
[ Engine Starts ] Goddamn it.
Doug Rich was a litigator.
A securities lawyer, whatever that is.
Cherien was his dental hygienist.
They fell in love during a gum scraping and were married two years ago.
In Tampa. Took a long honeymoon around the world.
Kept a blog of their trip. Doug doesn't seem to have too many friends,
except that guy Pete, who gave the toast at his wedding video, so he could be trouble.
- Cherien? - Cherien's dad is dead,
and her ma's in a nursing home in Biloxi.
Okay. Apart from Pete,
not gonna have much trouble from family or friends.
So it looks like Doug and Cherien's monthly expenses are about $7,500 a month.
We gotta find about eight grand a month for this new life.
And by "we," I mean you. Thank you.
Well, I mean, yeah, if we don't want the credit collectors on our asses.
Judging from his tax returns, Doug was raking in the koosh.
- Doug had to be planning on making a living here. - Funny you should mention that,
because Dougie was looking for work... as a lawyer,
and you've got a lunch interview today.
Yeah? Let me have a look at that.
[ Deep Voice ] Hi. Doug Rich.
[ High-pitched Voice ] Yeah. Uh, uh, Doug Rich.
Hey. How you doing? Doug Rich.
Hi, I'm Doug. I'm Doug.
[ Deep Voice ] I'm Doug. Hi. Doug.
Doug Rich. [ High-pitched Voice ] Doug Rich.
You like that? Mm-hmm.
It's pretty, huh?
- Hello. - [ Cael Laughs ]
Di Di. [ Laughs ]
[ Cael ] You're looking good, Dad. You're looking good.
Oh, Lord. You are really gonna do this?
It's not like I'm gonna get the job.
Just gotta turn up. Doug doesn't turn up,
someone's gonna wonder why, and we don't want that, do we?
- Why don't you just call in sick? - Too late.
Wouldn't look right. You don't know the first thing about the law.
Oh, yeah? Well, I talked my way out of that Nashville thing.
- The judge was drunk. - Bullshit is bullshit.
Oh, I know bullshit, Wayne.
And right now, you are full of it.
You just want to play.
You just want to see if you can get this job.
Why don't you just let me do my thing?
You just sit there and look pretty.
Don't break any laws. Don't break any windows.
Don't break anything.
Come on, Cael.
You son of a bitch!
You, get out!
Go on!
Just like your dad. Don't you smile at me!
Asshole. [ Door Closes ]
"Break anything." Break your ass.
One pill.
Well, that ain't gonna do it.
Goddamn it, Di Di! Damn it!
Put the cookie down.
Put it down, half-pint. Put the cookie down!
But I want one. Put the cookie down. You're gonna have to make your own.
[ Beeps ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Door Closes ]
Hi, Nina. I made you some cookies.
Give me some drugs?
Hi, Nina. I made you some cookies.
You got any more of them little pills?
Hi, Nina. Got any drugs?
Shit, shit, shit.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Well, hi there, Dahlia. Hi, Nina.
I made you some cookies.
Thank you for my hand and everything.
[ Chuckles ] Well, thanks, hon.
So you want to come in.
Oh, yeah.
I saw your two girls out ridin' their bikes today.
My girls? Uh,
Di Di and the-- and the little one.
Oh, Sam.
Yeah.
She's cute. Real cute.
Yeah, she is.
Real cute.
What school you got 'em in?
Oh-- Oh, we haven't decided yet.
So, Nina. Mmm?
Oh, Nina,
you know those little pills you gave me yesterday?
I was just wonderin', like,
if you just had, like, a few more.
Gave you five, hon.
That's enough to last you four more days.
I know, but...
would you believe I dropped them all in the toilet?
[ Laughs ] Darlin', maybe you need to ask yourself...
why you need 'em in the first place.
[ Laughing ]
On second thought, it's really none of my business.
But what-- what I can do is give you the name of a nice doctor in town.
[ Clears Throat ]
Dr. Salhanny?
He's a sensitive man who understands the sometimes...
distressing nature of modern life.
Mm-hmm.
How long will you be needing a rental car, Mr. Pratt?
A couple of weeks. My 740 is in the shop.
Chip here took it out for a drive, got it sideswiped.
- It was some dickwad in a Corvette, Chuck. - Dude.
- So Chip won't be driving for a while. - Well, Chuck,
it wasn't exactly my fault, was it?
Troy, could you tell Chip to tell that to Allstate?
Well, geez, uh, if you're used to driving a 740,
you'll probably be interested in renting a car from our Prestige Collection.
Jaguar, Rover,
Mercedes.
[ Woman ] Sure. We can-- We can pick you up. Yes, we would.
Come on, Mom! I'm comin'.
You're so slow.
[ Di Di ] Somebody's tired. [ Sam ] Hurry up.
[ Groans ]
Come on. I'm gonna snag my panty hose on this bike chain.
Who the hell wears panty hose?
Stuck in Bufferville, circa 1954.
Oh, man. [ Sam ] Come on!
Wait up!
- Di Di. This sucks! - [ Both ] Hey!
[ Di Di ] Stop!
Hey! Hey!
[ Di Di ] Stop! [ Sam ] Stop!
[ Di Di ] The R.V.! Stop it!
[ Dahlia ] Aw, shit. I knew we shouldn't have parked there.
That's right. Y'all are trespassin'. Hi there.
You're on my lands. I'm telling my husband we need a fence.
So, what, you just had it towed?
How'd y'all get in the front gate?
We live here. Yeah, in that...
really big house just right over there.
I've never seen you before.
[ Scoffs ] So you know everyone then?
Well, as a matter of fact, I do.
I'm Hartley Underwood, president of EHA, the Edenfalls Homeowners Association.
Great.
And who are you?
I'm Cherien Rich. This is Di Di. This is Sam.
My husband's Doug Rich.
He's a securities lawyer.
- He's a Republican. - The Riches?
I was told there wouldn't be children. Yeah.
Condoms ain't what they used to be. Huh.
Well, it was real nice to meet you, "Sharlene."
Oh, and by the way, we are not zoned for boat or R.V. parkin' here in Edenfalls.
Guess you're gonna have to make other arrangements.
It's Cherien, you stupid ludney bitch.
What about my colored pencils?
Hey. Hey, we're gonna get 'em back, all right, honey?
Don't worry about it. I promise. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
What is wrong with her now?
[ Sam ] Come on, Mom. Okay.
Eight from the door, which would be here.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Oh. W--
Which tree was it?
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
- Hey. Mom. - Yeah?
- What are you doing? - Nothin'.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Okay. Let's go.
[ Dahlia ] $235?
[ Man Exhales ] 175 for the towing,
plus $60 for the ticket. Well, all right.
This has just been a big old stupid mistake.
Plus I'm gonna need to see a valid driver's license and proof of ownership.
Proof of ownership?
Uh--
Well, we just moved here,
so I don't know where my husband keeps all the documents.
So, if you'll just-- It's not my problem.
For all I know, you could have stole it.
May shit rain down on these honest buffer ways.
- Yeah. I told you. - We gotta go with a different plan.
You game?
[ Sighs ] Sure.
Let's get Sam his colored pencils back. Hey. Wait up.
Hold on.
I know your boy Dale has been a great disappointment to you, Earl.
Well, he's disappointed me too.
Earl. Earl!
Mmm? Mmm? Hi.
Tea?
Now, us Dannegans-- we've been wantin' a relationship with you Malloys...
ever since that Di Di was a young un.
I even offered Wayne $50,000 to take Ken on,
but it just don't look like that's gonna happen.
Dale just ain't strong enough to be the boss.
I mean, he isn't. You know that. And what I've been noticin'...
is that a lot of folk around here--
well, they respect Ken a whole lot.
So, with your blessing, I-- [ Door Opens ]
Hi, Ginny-Gin.
Nice of you to visit Daddy, but he's a little tired right now.
Get your hands off me. No one talks to Daddy unless I say.
No one. Get the hell away from me. I'm done with you.
I wouldn't go talkin' up that dumb-ass brother of yours.
Somethin' bad might happen to him...
and you.
Real bad. And no one will give a shit.
Don't mess with me. I know things.
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
How do people go about their day in shoes like these?
Hmm?
[ Grunts ] Ow. Sh--
I got things to do. I can't do shit in these shoes. Shh!
Take my purse. You can't keep it.
I like the shoes. You can keep 'em.
Really? Come on.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
[ Sighs ] You know, I-I wasn't even parked there that long.
[ Man ] Oh, so you think it was towed, huh?
[ Di Di ] Yeah. Yeah. Towed. I guess that's probably why I'm here.
[ Chuckles, Sighs ]
You know, I had this, uh-- this scale model of ancient Rome in my trunk,
and if I-- if I don't find it, I am really so dead.
I-- It's really my last chance to get a "C."
I made these little emperors and gladiators and...
vestal virgins and stuff.
I mean, I really worked my ass off.
Wh-What kind of car was it again, hon?
Um,
a brown Corolla.
You think y'all could help? Well, sure.
[ Man ] Let's go look for it. Thank you so much.
Oh. Oh, my God. That's it. That's-- That's my car right there. That one.
Uh, I'm pretty sure that's not it, hon. Uh, that's a Malibu.
Oh. Wow. They look extremely similar. Yeah.
Well, that's a Malibu. Okay. All right.
[ Engine Starts ] Well, maybe we should just keep lookin' then?
Well, yeah. Okay.
- Hey! Hey! What the hell! - Hee-hee!
Hey, stop! Stop, you! Hey!
Whoo!
What do you want to do? Do it, Mom!
- You got it. - Stop! Stop right there!
Hey!
[ Tires Squeal ]
[ Man ] That girl.
Mom, why did we park here?
It's a free country, ain't it? You heard her. We're not supposed to.
Oh, ask me if I care.
You know,
Roy Lidge could not find a single good word to say about you, Doug.
Well, Roy Lidge could not find a single good word to say about Gandhi.
Actually,
he went completely nuts when he heard you were comin' in.
Ah, well, that's Roy. What a nut.
I understand Lidge is an animal.
Yeah, he is. Every day we'd rattle his cage, toss him a steak.
Why are you interested in Hayden-Javitz, Doug?
Well, I know you're a bunch of tough sons of bitches...
who don't stop until you bring an opponent to their knees.
But I also know you won the Client Choice Award, which means that--
This means no matter how hard you screw 'em, they still love you in the morning.
And I want in on that.
Lot of lawyers do, Doug. What makes you right for us?
Napoléon used to say, "I know he's a brilliant general, but is he lucky?"
He used to say it in French.
But I'm the lucky guy.
Je suis lucky.
I'm like a racehorse. That's better. Like, uh, Seabiscuit.
The Seabiscuit of the non-Seabiscuit world. You know?
I just work very hard. At Kerriman Fox,
I billed more hours in a month than most guys do in-in a year-- in 10 years.
Well, a year is more realistic. I just work like an idiot.
I just don't have any life outside the firm. That's all.
I'm like an animal. Like a nocturnal animal. Like an owl.
Or like a-- uh, one of those, you know, thing--
I'm like a tiger. A saber-tooth tiger, at night.
You know? A big, nighttime tiger. That's me.
You know?
But, Bob, I didn't come to Louisiana for the étouffée.
Well, well, well. The tightest assholes in the club.
[ Clears Throat ] I sure as hell hope you didn't come here for these Bubbas.
[ Laughs ] How you doin', Doug?
Good to see you. Bob.
** [ Humming ] Hey, Tommy!
How you hittin' 'em? [ Tommy ] Hi there, Hugh.
You know Panetta?
No.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, just enough to kick his ass on the golf course.
[ Laughs ] Good.
Panetta's a scumbag. Biggest thief in the real estate biz.
Can't tell you how many lawsuits we've filed against that prick.
Yeah? How many you won?
See, the thing about guys like Panetta...
is he's got weaknesses which can be found if you know what you're looking for.
You've gotta beat him at his own game.
I already have.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Hi, Di Di. Is your mama home, 'cause I'd li--
Hey, Mom.
- Well, hi, Miss Hartley. - Who the hell do you think you are?
Excuse me? I told you not to park that shit heap on my lands.
- Well, I didn't. - Huh.
Well, these two tires are nine inches on my property.
Oh, honey. You wouldn't know nine inches...
if it jumped in your bed and smacked you upside the head.
Oh, don't you talk trash to me.
I will have that thing towed to the junkyard this time.
You touch my R.V., I will kill you.
Really? Well, maybe I should call the police right now.
- Well, uh-- - Well, you can call goddamn Jesus Christ--
Oh, don't you take the Lord's name in vain with m--
Don't you mess with me, you stuck-up little bitch!
It will not end pretty.
Oh!
You only got one arm!
You're crazy.
You just made a big mistake, Sharlene.
Thank you.
You just beat up a one-armed woman.
Well, how was I supposed to know?
I ain't never--
I ain't never seen anything like that before.
"The issuer of any security...
"upon which a restriction or transfer has been imposed,
"pursuant to section 260.102.34,
"shall cause a copy of this section...
to be delivered to each 'issuee.'"
Have you any idea what that shit means?
No, sir. I'm sorry. I have no idea.
Bobby, Bob, Bobby, just call me Wayne.
Or call me Doug.
Wayne's my middle name.
- Okay. Doug. - Yeah. Right.
Who am I kiddin'?
Oh, no. This won't do.
Man should never drink alone. What happened to your friends?
Well, you know, Hugh. Places to go, people to sue. [ Chuckles ]
Oh, I could have used you out there on that course today, Doug.
Got my ass kicked.
Happens to the best of us, Hugh.
You're not payin' for this shit, are ya? I haven't yet.
Just put it on my tab, Bobby. Come on.
Let me buy you a real drink.
Come on. His tab.
[ Birds Chirping ]
** [ Headphones: Rock ]
Hey.
[ Exhales ]
Mom's crazy.
Yeah.
I guess we're staying here, huh?
I guess so.
[ Sighs ]
Pool's cool.
Yeah.
I guess you're gonna be sleeping in the house now.
We never had a pool before.
[ Chuckling ] Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah, huh?
[ Gunshots ]
Limbaugh, you freakin' drug addict!
[ Grumbles ] I tried everything.
[ Grumbles ] Vitamins.
I tried Lipitor.
Tried aromatherapy. Tried jumpin' off a cliff.
Tried strappin' electric wires to my nads. Nothin' worked.
My numbers were just-- Blood pressure numbers--
Shit. Flyin' off the charts.
The only thing that works...
is right here.
Isn't that Jim, my neighbor?
[ Clears Throat ] Sure is.
Neighbors, friends, employees, people I know.
Shit. Some of 'em are even people I like.
See this?
It's modeled on Hermann Göring's summer place.
Yeah. I noticed you have the same patio furniture. Yeah.
You should see the bunker. [ Laughs ]
Hey, Doug. Hugh.
Want to try the next one?
Sure.
[ Gunshot ]
Not bad.
Nice groupin'.
[ Laughs ] You're a shooter, aren't you, Doug?
Shot a few in my time, Hugh. Mm-hmm.
A few what? [ Clears Throat ]
A few trespassers, hostile witnesses.
So what were you doin' with those Hayden-Javitz pricks?
Just listening to what they had to say, Hugh.
[ Target Whirs ]
[ Gunshots ]
Miss Schleewee, fourth grade.
I loved her. You ask me, I wouldn't work at any one of those joints.
[ Clears Throat ] Too many assholes.
Observing you, watching you.
Can't even take a dump without everyone knowin' about it.
They've all tried to get a piece of me at one point or another.
I shoved those lawsuits right back up their asses.
Can't touch this.
They're amateurs.
Ever done in-house?
In-house. As in in-house counsel.
It's a lot more interesting.
Lot less bullshit. [ Clears Throat ]
Nope. I think I've decided to retire, Hugh.
Get an R.V. and travel the country.
Since when?
Since now.
[ Gunshots ]
Feels good, don't it? Who is that? Dershowitz? Come here, you liberal scum.
[ Cael ] It stays there.
[ Di Di Scoffs ] It's 'cause your nose is bigger, you weirdo.
[ Cael ] Yeah? Yeah? [ Di Di Laughs ]
[ Cael ] Hold on.
[ Dahlia ] Oh, you're just in time.
- You cooked. - I did.
Am I here? Yeah.
[ Di Di ] Just sit you down.
[ Exhales ] Maybe we should say grace?
- Okay. - Uh--
Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts,
for which we are about to receive through Christ our Lord, amen.
Amen. [ Di Di ] Amen.
So, Dad, how'd it go?
Well, the good news is I got the job.
You did?
[ All Chuckling ]
- Well, what's the bad news? - The bad news is I got the job,
and I don't know shit about the law.
Dad, there's so many books on law upstairs. I can help you brush up if you need help.
That's very sweet, baby, but, uh, you gotta know something before you can brush it up.
-You talked your way through the Nashville thing. You're fine. -Yeah.
That was a misdemeanor. I can't con my way into a court of law.
A court of law is a court of goddamn law.
Who am I kidding? I-- I don't even know what a securities litigator is.
So, what are you gonna do? Don't know.
I'll think of something.
Yeah. You always do.
Least we've got the money.
For now we can use that to pay the bills.
Ow! Goddamn it!
This is useless, Wayne! We are never gonna find it!
Tell me once again. Which tree did you think it was?
I don't know. I wasn't thinking straight.
- Yeah. You know what, Ma? I wonder why. - Would you shut your mouth?
- Why don't you shut your mouth? - Damn it! This is 40 grand!
We can't go back home now, Ma. That is not home!
This is the only home we got now.
We could paint driveways again.
We don't have to live in some big-ass house like that, Dad.
[ Dahlia ] What are we doin' here, Wayne?
We don't have any money.
You ain't never gonna be a lawyer.
We're Travellers, baby. We're thieves.
We gotta stick with our own kind. We are with our own kind.
That's why we're gonna stay right here.
Together. Us.
I'm gonna get us all the life we deserve, whether we want it or not.
- Where you goin'? - To war.
[ Dog Barking In Distance ]
Doug. Hugh.
[ Sniffs ] Almost midnight, Doug.
You the Ghost of Christmas Past?
Yes, I am.
Nice gun. Thank you.
Why are you in my house, Doug?
[ Sighs ]
Why are you here?
Why am I talking to you? [ Clears Throat ]
[ Groans ]
We're discussing my package, Hugh.
Your what? My compensation package.
For my services. As what? My pool boy?
As your in-house counsel.
I didn't offer you a job.
- I think you did. - Is that right?
I'm worth 150 million on paper, Doug.
I run Panco. I run Techcurrents. I run a lot of things.
Not bad for a guy who used to clean septic tanks, huh?
So, you want a shot to be my in-house counsel,
you gotta be the best.
'Cause I wipe my ass with those Hayden-Javitz pricks.
You understand? So, are you the best, Doug?
Or are you just middlin'?
What do you think? I tell you what I think.
I think you're an asshole, Hugh.
[ Laughing ] You really are.
And your numbers-- they're not that high.
Your blood pressure. It's normal.
I think you simply like to shoot your friends and neighbors in the face.
Put down my gun.
Now, I know this because I use my powers of deduction.
I assess and deduce.
It's what a good lawyer does, Hugh.
He assesses and deduces.
A good lawyer...
makes you believe the truth.
Holy shit.
But, Hugh-- [ Exhales Deeply ]
you know what a great lawyer does?
Doug. Whoa. A great lawyer...
makes you believe the lie.
[ Clicks ] Oh, shit.
Ah.
[ Chuckles ]
- You crazy bastard. - Thank you.
You're a sick mother, Doug.
Yes. Yes, I am.
And I like that in a liar.
[ Wheezing Laugh ]
[ Squealing ]
Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
Hey, baby. Don't splash Mommy.
Baby, you really gonna get paid $200,000 a year?
- $200,000. - With benefits!
[ Wayne ] With benefits! [ All Laughing ]
Yeah! [ Wayne ] Uh-oh.
[ Dahlia ] What? I gotta pee.
Oh, my God. I gotta pee.
You can't pee in the pool, Dad. We're buffers now.
We don't swim in the toilet. Y'all can't piss in our pool.
I am a shark.
I got $200,000.
Don't pee in the pool. [ Squeals ] Dad, no!
[ Di Di ] Don't get in here. It's hot. [ Buzzing ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Di Di ] Don't come in here. It's hot.
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Buzzing Continues ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Buzzing Continues ]
[ Beeps ]
[ Chattering ] [ Woman On Phone ] Doug?
I know you're there.
Say somethin'.
Don't you hang up on me, Doug.
Doug?
Doug.
[ Beeps ]
[ Phone Thuds ]